#i wanna better myslef
Text
.
#I love you my baby xbloodiedxkneesx so much#im glad that the blog is still up#and i hope that we'll be able to talk again on discord soon#i hope she sees this#and i hpoe she knows how muhc i love and miss and adore and need her#i hope she knows how important she is#how beautiful adn wonderful she is#how perfect she is#and how much i think she's the most precious and valuable life on this planet#she deserves to smile#she deserve all the happiness in the world#she deserves the very best of firend#adn she deserves better htan i gave her last night#but i love hre#and i wanna work on this#i wanna better myslef#i wanna be the godsend she alawys thoguhts i was#i wanna make her the happiest girl in the world#and i just hope we get to talk today#i love her#i love her so fuckin much#i miss you tracy#please come home#i love you <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
1 note
·
View note
Text
i am a terrible terrible person
#like GOD why am i so selfish#i distracted myself but now i'm feeling bad again oh my god what if i die#the voice in my head is just a constant “i can't do this anymore” “i hate myself”#i should've payed more attention i HSOULD BE BETTER#it feels bad to feel like this and i don't wanna do it anymore.#i want to go somewhere quiet where i can cry all alone and NOBODY can hear me and nobody will ask and i'll be all by myslef for ever and ev#please that's all i want i just want to cry i can't do it properly anymor e#i'ts so scary to feel like this i don't want to#i don't want to feel like i'm falling forever#sinking#drowning#help
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
omg uhmmmm. yeah ok my counseling situation is less than ideal rn. im grateful to have it at all bc i wasn’t even expecting to have counseling until september and like i will literally take what i can get given that things are so bad rn bc it’s a genuine fucking miracle i was able to get it at all. but also i need and deserve a good experience and like.. this is the 2nd session and we ended with like 20 minutes to spare yet again and also spent several of the 40 minutes talking abt her own situation and she said we were gonna talk abt the gr*ef of all this and process it a little bit we didn’t and basically repeated what we talked about last week. uhm
#i don’t mind her talking abt her own experience. or really i don’t want to mind it bc im endeared by it and i do want this to feel more like#personal / conversational and not clinical and sterile and whatever. and she is really nice and her stories are relevant and stuff. but also#it’s counseling which is.. Different and idk how to tell her i need more from this than she’s giving me. erm 😐 and she also keeps cutting me#off at the end of every sentence which is like. sigh. and we can’t even meet next week bc she’s going on vacation but next week is going to#be the most intense and insane bc that’s when * leaves… idk. sighhhh. again i will take what i can get i really will but also.. 🫠#purrs#having the same issues w my timesheet sort of. like i obviously need to get paid every cent i am owed but i feel bad advocating for it and I#got myslef in a little bit of trouble last week bc i didn’t speak up when i knew my timesheet still said i was a student / was set to the#minimum wage pay rate bc i didn’t wanna be a burden and ask abt it during a stressful time AND right after getting the late timesheet notif#to boot. and it blew up in my face bc the. we had to scramble to fix it and i felt so bad but it’s like i know this is a lose lose situation#but i am physically incapable of asking you to do what i need you to do so i get paid in a timely manner and appropriate amount bc i know#you need to not be burdened by one more logistical crisis and that to me is worth losing however much money i am risking losing bc of that.#and with my counselor it’s like … that’s a little different bc she isn’t someone i know closely but she’s going thru a rly tough situation#too and liek i can’t NOT tell you to not talk about it i. our sessions or end our sessions 20 minutes early you are one of the most stressed#out individuals i have ever encountered and if i have to sacrifice some catharsis so you can get some peace at the end of the long day then#i will do that. but i know neither of those things is fair to me but i don’t know how to speak up abt it. and yet again i feel no better abt#the whole situation for a second session in a row. but maybe i wouldn’t have anyway bc of the whole nature of it and where we are in it rn#like with the transition about to happen. idk. all of this fucking sucks i am so…….. 😐
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
scrolling thru the sans and mann we really all r having a bad night huh
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
itd be so cool if the shitty people in my life were not shitty and were actually slightly decent
#the bin#:/ i wanna stop feeling horrible abt shit with my sister but it makes me so angry and upset ALL the time#im so fucked up abt this. how could i not be. i guess. hhhhh. i dont know what to do. it sucks so much.#its so hard to deal with the aftermath of a deeply abusive relationship in general. and when you cant talk to anyone about it or tell#anyone who knows that person. and you have to continue to be nice or at least civil with them. probably forever.#that SUUUUCKS. she is so awful. shes always been awful. i want to heal from that experience but i feel like im still stuck#probably mostly because im literally physically stuck 1000 miles away from everyone else i know in a place where shes the only person i know#but even after that i think ill still feel so stuck. theres a lot of things she has that i really need to get from her before i do anything#that might make her mad at me. i want to delete our stupid chat full of uncomfortable shit vut thats gonna piss her off#she has a lot of pictures of me from when i was younger and those are pretty much the only pictures of me from then#i can barely even remember those years. id like to get those if i can. also i wanna see if i can convince her to delete all the weird videos#she took of me without my consent while i was having psychotic episodes bc like. what the fuck. AND i know she literally just shows them#to her friends and laughs at them bc shes told me she does. which is very upsetting. and if i can get her to delete them id feek so much#better and not be upset over that all the time#i just cant get iver how much she fucking sucks. she does so much fucked up shit and its so awful. why would she ever think its ok ti record#me when im not in a good headspace. without telling me. and then upload it to her snapchat also without telling me#i only found out about her doing that originally because she decided to show me some of the funny things people said about me on the#video i didnt even know existed and had no memory of what happened. she loves to claim shes so chill and nice and good about mental#illness and she understands it so much and would never ever do anything weird and ableist like that. and then does that.#i feel so much worse abiut myslef and all the behaviors i have caused by my myriad of mental shit specifically because of her#ugh i am so not looking forward to being in a car with her for 20 hours when i move. but thats how it has to be.
0 notes
Note
I know this probably isn't the point of the blog but I need help and don't know where else to turn.
My sister has autism. And pretty severe autism at that. She basically can't talk, amd doesn't understand most of what you say to her. She's 10. She also has behavioral problems
First some context: She has a habit of breaking or ruining my stuff, especially things like face creams, serums amd things like that. I'll go to use them and she that she's poured them into the sink or slather the rug with them.
Or just this week she broke 2 crochet hooks. And I can't keep replacing all my stuff, and I can't constantly lock all my stuff up, I forget. (i have adhd, staying organized has never been my strong suit). And I know that's it's my fault too, for putting thungs where she has access to them.
And over time I can feel a resentment building up. I know it's not her fault, but I can't help how I fell and it's making me feel horrible about myslef aswell.
I've never had good mental health but this is just really f*cking me up lately.
What can I do?
Your feelings are 100% vaild! its natural to be mad at ANY little sister OFTEN but of coarse this is even more challenging and no you gatta try to not yell or punish her when she messes up, that never helps but going into another room and screaming into a pillow may help.
.
.
and btw if you have "adhd" and your sister is autistic I'd give you by the biological numbers an 80% chance of being autistic yourself just so u know.
.
.
if you can afford it amazon and wayfair.com have some super cheap doesn't look horrible easy to put together "tube" shelves - If you don't think your sister will try to climb them of push them over....you might be able to anchor them to the wall? yup out of reach is I'm afraid the best idea...actually "floating shelves are usually even cheaper and easy to install and less likely for your sister to get into things.
.
.
and hopefully your sister has been on a refined-sugar and gulten free diet? and is she going to occupational therapy? occupational therapy should be coverd by insurance if she has a formal autism dignosis - it's rare but SOME autistic people even severely autistic 10 years old or up can learn to speak in movie quotes or use a board to point to what she wants/ needs on a board....
.
have you also gotten her a swing she can safely use by herself and a big cardboard box she can fit in?
.
I once asked a store that sells refrigeratorsfor such a big box for my birthday and it helps my autism symptoms A LOT! they even gave it to me for free!
.
you may see a DRAMATIC difference in behavior.
.
.
also, I always try to go "drug free" there IS THC-free cannabis oil you can put on the bottoms of her feet, these are great for seizures an/or autism/ autism meltdowns/ getting them to sleep, you may even get it covered by insurance she may have?
.
.
and does she have a weighted blanket? that can make u HUGE difference as well.
.
.
I hope this helps ask me anything anytime or if you have and specific recommendation like WHICH weighted blankets or WHICH sensory swings I recommend let me know!
.
.
one LAST THING are you doing brushies and squeezies with her daily? they say you have to do it EVERY FOUR HOURS for it to work but I personally do it once or twice a day and I'm good. and they sometimes say "only do it when a trained professional can show u how to do it -which is NONSENSE!
.
I learned it myself , do it to myself bought my own sensory brushes you might wanna try it on yourself too to see if you feel better more calm and focused just do push ups on the wall and 5 jumping jacks to get the compression if you do it to yourslef! <3
.
Wilbarger Brushing Protocol (OT Brushing & Joint Compressions)
youtube
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
weld nooooo ure not being charismatic enough!
omg mom im on tv
whos nilbog..
i remember the case fifty threes tho at least
no… how could u tell….
maaaybe itd be a little fucked but ummm could amy help?
well im gonna guess this is what were tlaking abt if he reached out to her
yknow she looks to have less curls in fanart ive seen of her
curls retocn
retcon
damn rip new wave
oh yeah ur bf died…
and poor browbeat…
yuuup
awesome
well thats kinda robophobic
metalphobic
u upset the kid..
damn u conviced shadowstalker..
oh damn
wadahell
trickster kinda op damn
that must be crazy to experience as a metal man
thats craazy high
goodbye clockblocker…
its cuz ure not a THINKER lol
hi kid win
well ure lucky that they dont wanna kill yet
yea it would have probably been better if u didnt get rid of that hoverboard
welp
holy shit trickster not the kid
oh shit
neurodivergent moment
i wouldnt be surprised if i had dyscalculia myslef im kinda shit at simple numbers off from the head
eh
woww when powers make me more fucked abt adhd
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
bpd. bpd bpd bpd bpd bpd. I HATE BPD SO FUKXUSNF MUCH IVHATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS –Prince.
—Ivhate it so uxkdiebg much i want to end muself so fuxking bAD. when. wheb fp probably feels better with another person. HAHH. AHHH!!!!! I HATE THUS. i hate myslef i want to kill myself so fueking bad nothings new nothings gonna get better it'd be better if i exploded or something. spill out my ♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡ & fucking ♡♡♡
—I'M NOT as likeable as thisother pwdosn i am probably a burden to fp i hate this i hate this so much o wanna die i wanna ♡♡♡♡ my ♡♡♡♡ on a ♡♡♡♡ until i ♡♡♡♡♡ horribly & fuekiebg ♡♡♡
—imgonna isolate myself i can't handle this anymore i dont wanna do this anymore i wanna ♡♡♡ i wanna ♡♡♡♡ myseld I'm not good enough imjust a burden to fp I HATE THIS SO MCUCH.
0 notes
Text
im feeling very pathetic today
my head has hurt so much today. i hate having chronic migraines:/ and what i hate most is that i gotta eat food with the ibuprofen
oh well. i went outside and exercised despite is being -8 degrees with -26 wind chill because theres something wrong with me. not even the ed stuff. i just simply cannot function if i dont go outside and skip around a daydream sometime everyday.
recalculated all my tdee stuff to check everything. 1460 for sedentary and with my usual exercise its between 2000-2100. thats about how much i eat without restricting or anything. just eating whatever i want whenever. i just exercise a whole lot.
i feel wrong for picking high numbers but i exercise far more than the average person and lower numbers are very difficult bc of that bc i will not compromise and exercise less. exercise is usually more effective anyway.
well. anyway. im going to do a gradual lowering bc i work and i dont wanna suddenly cut out a bunch of calories and have problems at work bc of it. its really not a big deal if its slow anyway. its most likely to still and be maintainable if i go slow. im trying to convince myself its ok. not like anybody is actually saying to me high res is evil. its just my own brain.
i dont understand why i so badly want to be disordered and why i have for so many years. im already underweight. its not enough though. well. i dont wanna make it about the calories i do eat. i wanna make it about the numbers i lose and the deficit.
honestly. most of my actual real care about how much i eat has always come from if other people are aware of it. otherwise its just me and to me if its just my opinion then id rather just exercise more and get the deficit that way. and i dont think theres anything bad about going slowly for myself.
but then i think about other people seeing it and like. i desperately want other people to see me as someone who barely eats. someone who lost a bunch of weight quickly. someone who they wish would stop losing weight. i want them to just be able to tell something is wrong. ofc since i only have 15 pounds to lose that wont ever happen. going below 85 is much more dangerous so im really gonna try not to let myslef want that. instead i wanna maintain 85. and i wanna be seen as that person who never eats and is super small and frail and pretty.
but i dont know anyone. im not going to know anyone. there is nobody to notice or think this. so whats the point in tryna make it happen immediately. might aswell do it the slower better way. and then i can maintain the weight easier. and its less miserable.
honestly im aiming for a below 15 bmi i should stop being mad at myself for not being anorexic enough. literally shut up stupid
0 notes
Text
just trying to enjoy myslef for at least once, and i walk past a group of people at the yuletide village thing at where the rnaissance festival is, and a girl in the group is talking loudlyand describing how she just recently had the most horrific hell of a time with stomach flu, ive ever heard, which set off the rest of the evenining to be nothing but hell for me. i walked past her reallly quick as soon as i heard it but i still feel terrified. theni went after eating something tried to go warm up by the lil campfires they have to keep warm, and there was a big puddle of whatever the fuck on the ground, and other placesi tried to sit had the same thing. im trying so hard to just relax and try to enjoy the moment but every single moment is nonstop hell for me and im afraid how ill be through the night/next day/ next fewdays/week
i cant even stand how christmas is coming up and how a family member was around my family during thanksgiving after having stomach flu. i cant handle this i cant handle myself, i dont know what to do, theres no comfort in the world for me. every hting i do to try to get better and enjoy life to the simplest i cant. nothing is working out for me. i dont wanna be here anymore. im so tired of trying. i dont remember when i was happy or how i used to be. im so tired.
#shutupcici -#i dont know what to do anymore i just dont wanna be here anymore#emetophobia /#if i can be offered any bit of reassurance i would really appreciate that right now because i dont know if i cant make it right now#no i will not be going to he hospital right now because thats the worst place to be in the holidays and heigh t of flu and sotmach bugseaso
1 note
·
View note
Text
I have no hobbies I want yo say “I’m no longer interred in my hobbies” but no I have no hobbies at all not even fucking gaming I’m just generally not interesting my only way of conversation is to lie my way to be interesting or say some dumb shit people find entertaining. I can’t sleep anymore yet I can’t get out of bed I’ve lost all motivation. I’m an I can’t be bothered talking to people anymore yet i hate being alone. Everything and everyone is posing me off sometimes even people just breathing pisses me off I can’t be in a room with to many people or I get mad of no reason. My hands are shaking so bad it’s part of the reason I did horribly on my exam and failed another. I thought it was my anxiety making my hands shake but I can’t control or try and stop/minimise it like I use to be able to. I don’t take care of myself I can’t even find the motivation to move or shower, I don’t do my insulin leaving me with high ass glucose levels for hours effecting my legs even more I’m losing blood flow to my legs and it’s hurts me to walk to far without MASSIVE rest breaks. My dad is a bipolar dick who makes me feel crazy I can’t even trust my own thoughts I can’t trust anyone with what he’s been saying and it’s affecting other people I’m reading to deep into messages and over analysing words and punctuation in messages. I feel hopeless I feel like a failure I failed one exam and did mediocre on other and I know that when I see my mum next I’m going to get yelled at for a subject she wanted me to be in one I’m not great or even good at I want one person to KNOW me like one of those cringe fluff fanfics that the love interest knows all of their lovers little things and shit they do or how they react to stuff but it’s so selfish and hypocritical because I don’t think I could ever know someone that deep I have been feeling nothing for years and I know it’s not normal but it’s easier to act the way I need to be socially accepted then to feel how I normally feel. I what someone to listen when I say no, no I don’t wanna go out, no I can’t hang out today, no I can’t have a sleepover stop asking just NO, just fucking no it’s never enough I need to have a good enough reason to say NO, I’ve waited for it to get better and maybe I’m impatient but I’m sick of waiting I’ve waited for everything else in my else and I’m done this is one thing that needs to hurry the fuck I’m up like please or not time I drive I will crash. The trucks next to me are trying really hard to seduce me and it’s low key working
I swear I want someone on my side that isn’t actively trying to make me hate everyone I know or turn on other people for reasons that only affect them or trying to make me hate myslef and second guess everything I say and do. Every time I’ve had a friend and a good one I’ve fucked it up and yes maybe it’s because I was younger but now I am so lost in what’s going on I can’t keep up like drama genuinely confuses me it fucks with my head I forget important things and I mix up things making the whole thing worse sometimes I haven’t mad connections nor real ones i feel like if I killed myself I wouldn’t be remembered highly or even for a long time no one but my family would be deeply effected and it hurts but at the same time I don’t want to die and make people upset even my family I feel like they would move on quickly. Is it just me talking and I have no idea, yeah, but I can’t help it my mother is an immigrant from a third world country which is considered one of the most dangerous in the world and yet here I am complaining that life sucks I can’t say shit I’m meant to be an example for my siblings and a good daughter a good successful daughter that can nearly pass English and belay handle school work. I wanna do vcal idc wnat anyone and I’m not letting people talk me out of it I’m done. BRO don’t even get me started on the gay daughter thing I’ve been brainwashed as my ‘amazing father’ would say idc what my dad says but my mum she would be so disappointed and my brother he would hate me be discussed with me I can’t do that to him. Him and my sister all I have left if they do well I’m doing well if they are happy I am I can’t have one or even both hate me
I can’t have the kid I failed hate me even more
I’m a horrible person
A horrible friend
A horrible daughter
A horrible sister
This once again got kinda off track which is cute and if I have spelling miss takes please don’t point it out I will cry 🫶
1 note
·
View note
Text
just got in my cara nd broke down after work ik so fuckjng tired ik sick and i can’t get better caus what can’t afford to miss a day of work it’s endless i want to die just to get a way from it but then i rember this is my life i cana leah’s leave right but now i can’t mh health insurance and everything is tied to my job and everyone says oh jsut try not to let it get to you! well guess fucjing what that doesn’t fucking work for me okay! IT DOESNT WORK. i’ve been trying my whole fucking life. it doesn’t work. i’m done. the problem with this is the job not me. i can’t do this anymore. i wanna kill myself in the middle of the cafe to prove a fucking point in the stupidest way possible. i hate this i hate lievi g like this i fucjing hate everyone around me because of how exhauste and stressed i am i can’t fucking do this but nothings going to change i keep saying i can’t keep doing this and everyone pretends it’s not happening i need fucking help and genre jsut ain’t any i can’t fucjing do this like i jsut cht i think i need to give up like i can’t fucking keep doing this i wnat tk kill myslef so bad i jist break down sobbing thinking about it i barely ever cry but i jist fucjing break at the idea of never escaping this i don’t want to live the rest of my life like this even when my life is better than it was it’s still hell it never fucjing stops nothing ever let’s me fucking rest i jsut wang to rest it’s supposed to snow early in the morning and i have half a mind to just call out cause i’m fucjing sick but i know i can’t b and i don’t know how else to express how much i’m fuckjng doen and cang do this anymore at work aside from straight up quitting like i just can’t fucjing handle this shit anymore i can’t do it i can’t fucjing do it i cang di thh in anymore
0 notes
Text
Its funny. After two boys left the class when they finshed their exam they started cheering😂 And I had just finished mine and i wanted to hear what they were saying. So i walked outside to hear them talk about how how many missing assignments are they didnt turn in and about getting beer together after......I walked to my car. Made me realize how i didnt bother to make a friend in class and was so focus in finishing assignments. And to make it even more pathetic i tried making myself feel better by texting my friends group chat. Then once again realize that these people were my sisters friends first and i was always just a tag along. Because our father didnt want her going alone to places. Asked them if they would wanna go to a event from my school tomorrow. I already know the awnser but i still like to ask because i dont want to go alone. They havent responded. And I can only think the reason is that i have been texting a lot in the group chat for them to just think "its just comic-l texting again". Feel like it would be better to just go to the event myslef to not have anything to think about them, but i know im going to be feeling these exact feeling again tomorrow.
1 note
·
View note
Text
WHY CANT I JUST HAVE A NICE N NORMAL N NON SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP W A MAN. SO MAD
i have a total of abt 7 straight male friends. n i love them all n i dont blame them for this bcs its normally me who sexualides myslef first but like what
a breakdown:
1 & 2 blocked me for a day bcs i didnt send them nudes
3 (who ive been sorta ‘talking’ to for like a yr) now only texts me when i post photos of my ass n he only texts me abt my boobs. comeon ur better then this 🙏
4 one has made jokes abt taking advantage of me when i was drunk, always makes pervy comments, complains to me abt his boners n how no one will do anything abt it
5,6,7 wouldnt talk to me for a while bcs i said i didnt wanna sleep w them.
idk if i just happen to meet a lot of shiity guys? if i make them shitty? or if js most guys are like this??
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
gents-prefer-redheads
gentlemen prefer redheads
itsmeemeanne-blog
MeMe
doctorguilty
Worst Doctor Syndrome
jascurka
zwinka
fruitfox2
Без названия