If you're a trans guy and you feel like you're not manly enough and are ashamed of the what is considered "girly" traits, toxic masculinity isn't exclusive to cis guys, and it can and will have devastating effects on your mental health, you're perfect the way you are and you don't need to prove your masculinity to anyone, and that includes yourself, because you're not just a floating consciousness in the earthly soup you're also someone and anyone.

Talking as a fandom old, I can't begin to tell you how tired I am, in almost every single fandom I cross paths with, to find the gaslighting, anti-shipping discourse. It's aimed at queer ships and het ships--it's beyond specific issues related to heteronormativity, it's an entire no-romo, anti-romance mentality that often uses performative virtue signaling and moralizing to try to shame shippers and the ways shippers talk about their ships and point out why they see it as romantic.

There's dialogue going on that I think has developed as a defense because of anti-romance, no-romo gaslighting. Defensive dialogue from the shippers' side, and I haven't seen that pointed out a lot. How much of it arises from gaslighting being flung at ships in the first place, and that it's defensive dialogue, not aggression designed to force everyone into seeing it.

There's often the assumption that shippers are insane/reading too much into things.

Or, that shippers cannot possibly comprehend how valuable platonic bonds are, or that fandom's emphasis on shipping is somehow part of some nefarious societal bias that doesn't value platonic bonds. That hasn't been the case in my experience with fandom, and it's not true of myself. Shippers often have platonic bonds along with romantic ships that they love. I do. In fact, platonic bonds--siblings, friends, team building, found family--are actually the strongest thing that draws me into a story, initially, and sometimes I also ship things. Rarely, I sometimes intensely latch onto an OTP.

And I'm just so tired of seeing romantic bonds devalued. Fandom keeps going too far to over compensate for societal norms that over-emphasize romance, but romantic bonds are not less important than platonic bonds and platonic bonds are not less important than romantic bonds.

I'm still burned raw from a certain show I loved ending not by saying love matters, connections between people matters, instead its ending said: only platonic bonds matter. It gives me joy when there's stories that emphasize all kinds of bonds. That say love matters--platonic bonds matter, friendships matter, blood bonds matter, found family matters, and romantic bonds matter. It all matters.

The virtue signaling about the progressiveness of platonic bonds in media very often (and I'm not saying it's always, but it happens a lot) turns out to be a tool of anti-shipping--the authors of the posts have one particular ship they're against and so utilize no-romo moralizing as a tool.

Anti-romance biases and the devaluing of romance also carries a misogynistic tinge to it. Romance isn't exclusively appealing to women, but heavily appealing to women, and has a long history of being written and supported by women, and there's default biases of romance=weak=women, because women=weak, therefore romance is perceived as silly, trivial, not deep, unlike platonic bonds, which often get associated with manliness and what male audiences want, and with "story" and "plot" as if romance cannot be key to character depth and story power. Platonic bonds are often assumed as far more substantive than those oh so silly romances and those oh so silly shippers.

So. I am so very tired of it, and tired of seeing it aimed at ships, even ships I don't even feel one way or the other about, things I don't even ship, no horse in the race. Not just my ships getting targeted.

Leave the shippers alone to ship how they ship.

my mate had her first breakup less than a week ago. it didn't teach me shit. currently trying my VERY best to make sure she doesn't get too attached to another guy. he's my age. my mate's a year younger than you.

it was weird. it'a the first time i've ever seen it so close. i've never really had a friend like her before. physically there and just as weird as i am. two borderlines causing our nation to need financial compensation.

i jokingly threatened i'd text you if she started dating him. she sounded hurt. like you're the worst that has ever happened to me. and that's funny 'cause she's seen me have a psychosis and also be in the ward. maybe i looked very cool doing it. i did have dyed hair and dead eyes. still do. maybe being unmedicated made me hotter.. thoughts..

i don't stalk your socials. haven't in a long ass while. well the tumblr doesn't count. it's tumblr. hey- i even blocked your Spotify! that's something. i'm not going to cross the boundaries. i'll stop looking at the homer ass pfp in wonder. also.. v good music taste.

sometimes i wish we could just talk. no strings attached. no one but us would know. and i'd finally be able to hear your perspective on things again. i know it's bad but i wish we could just talk things out. clear things out. hit it and quit it. no strings attached.

i don't know if you're still with him but i hope he's doing better and is treating you good. i choose to just assume that. it feels better to imagine you loved and cared for. by the way, Project Zomboid? so good. i died very quickly and maybe cried a bit. in a manly way. so manly. with a little shriek at the end.

it's hard to like other people. i don't compare them to you. but i do compare the way i'm feeling. i don't know.. there was this one girl. Linda. she was sweet, helpful and had an admirable perspective.

she was deported.

yeah that was a little weird. maybe a sign i should let the whole crush/love thing go. it's just not as interesting without the way you made me snort.

i had a dream a few months back that you moved here. and i took you home and we just talked. it sucked a bit to wake up. i know it's bad that i still feel this way. but i don't want to feel bad about that. there are other things to regret. i don't regret ever loving you. and god how good it felt to love you. with every cell of my fucking being.

i think i'm scared you'll forget me. but i also really hope you will. be fully moved on. have that wall down and not even remember my name. the thought is painful but it also makes me smile.

so pissed and petty i'll never get to show you my apartment or who i am now. but hey.. in another life, eh? no, not really. i'm glad i had you in this one. and yeah, sometimes i itch with how much i miss you, but that's fine. just biology and psychology rawdogging. idk. science words.

i'll never be able to be your guy friend. that makes me want to eat drywall. really rip into that shit with me teef.

do you ever think of me? probably not. i think of you mostly when drama happens. did you hear about the Watcher thing? so insanely hilarious and also sad.

i know you won't see this. random people probably will. i guess i should be talking to them instead.

hey, there's still girl. i don't know her anymore but i used to. the way she talks about the world.. her perspective on things - it makes you care for the world so much more. and her humor? it hurts how much you laugh. she's the entire field of vegitation around that large fucking tree on a sunny day. running to that tree is what it's like to come back to her. video it and call it pure cinema. don't be an ass to her if you ever meet her. and you will know when it's her. she'll take your attention away fron whatever you'll be doing, and you'll instinctively want to get her attention. that's how i met her. and that's been every day since.

yeah take your meds if you're mentally ill. don't be an asshole. go to therapy. don't hold childhood grudges. and don't tell your friends how you feel! they'll make you do dumb things for your mental health. grr grrr woff why the FUCK was i talking about things when i was episoding i shouldvr been smocking crack fucking fucc

anyways

:)

yeah. well this sucks.

jib 6 breakdown and analysis

standard disclaimer: i am not gonna be linking to every single thing i talk about, but i will try my best to link to the moments that stand out to me the most. i have read long posts about this panel before, so not everything in this post is gonna be original or said for the first time ever, simply because there is a good chance that information has stuck in my mind and has subconsciously formed my view of this panel. this is also in no way, shape or form gonna be coherent, unfortunately. i’m just gonna hope that the cockles hivemind will be able to make sense of this regardless. love and light. and lastly, this is all in good fun, so don’t come at me if you think this is too out there please and thank you.

if i would have to give this panel a signifier, i would say this is the panel of the inside jokes. it’s the panel that shows us how well they know each other, to the point that they finish each other’s sentences and start telling the same punchline to a joke at the same time. 

but besides all of that, it was also the panel of the shoulder touches, husband behavior, and rescuer misha. let’s dive into it.

-

i adore the fact that they are laughing and joking with each other from the first second they get on stage. the way that they tell that story about how they planned to have misha nap and have jensen drink whisky and humm, really reminds me of something that i mentioned a lot during my jib 7 analysis: they are very much in sync.

jensen slinging his arm around misha of course had to be compensated with a manly face and manly grip. the rituals… i know they are intricate.

it’s kind of cute how misha tried to both encourage jensen to try that step, and wanted to make sure he wouldn’t hurt himself lmao. dare i say husband behavior? (i do dare and i will do it again, bam bam!) 

something about the way they talk about j*red just makes me feel like they are such a team, if that makes sense? like, they both think the same things about j*red’s antics and talk in such a united way about it (“and jensen and i were like…” “i don’t even care. he [points at misha] doesn’t care.”) that it just sounds kind of coupley to me. *whispers* husband behavior.

i love that jensen’s first instinct after talking about missing j*red was to go over to misha, put his hand on his shoulder, and talk about his fucking flirting way of pranking misha versus j*red’s painful pranking of misha. “with you it’s like my friend and protector is....” i truly wish the audience wasn’t as loud as they were in that moment because i would love to fully hear that sentence. 

the look on jensen’s face when misha says “save it for when we take off our pants” is just priceless. ‘oh god here we go again, when will he ever learn’ but the funny thing is, he will make the same face later on in the panel, after talking about riding a dragon. that’s the face he makes when one of them goes slightly too far. just thought that was interesting.

what stands out to me the most is his reaction when misha turns around just as he is ‘fake unbuttoning’ his pants like: ‘i’m just kidding i’m innocent’ literally no reason to respond like that if misha is just his buddy.

misha’s “what are you doing?” as jensen is tying his flannel around his waist also stands out to me. he clearly does not like the look and can’t keep his mouth shut (“that was bothering me too”). why would you find the need to comment on your buddy’s fashion choice. (....husband behavior.)

just wanna take a moment to say that it’s very fucking funny that jensen said “don’t take selfies” when you know that just a few years later he would take the chest to chest selfie with misha. oh, jensen. 

we have all heard the “jensen pranks misha on set by flirting with him” story countless of times, but it’s still funny to me how flustered misha seems to get by the fact that jensen can get to him that easily. and jensen’s laugh here is so cute, he fully knows what he is doing. 

misha jokes that he spends more time sunning on rocks now as a merman than he used to, and jensen immediately starts to walk to the apple juice, something i have noticed that he does whenever he wants to avoid something (be it a question or a situation that’s happening on stage). it almost feels like he is stopping himself from making a comment or something. it’s interesting, because he just turns right back around and starts telling the grasshopper joke without getting anything to drink.

which leads to one of my favorite moments between them: misha, beaming, says that he has heard it before but he wants to hear it again, and mouths the words to the punchline along with jensen. he looks at the audience as if to say ‘good one, right?’ and when jensen goes “is this thing on?” misha immediately tries to distract him from his failed joke by using an inside joke (the first inside joke of the panel) with him. aka good husband behavior.

something tells me that “i’ll see you again, grasshopper” is another inside joke, so we’re counting it: number two. 

jensen. jensen pspsps come here. can you please explain to me why you are so horny for misha’s indianrussian accent? i cannot believe him (i can), trying to get him to use the accent to ‘help the girl in the audience’. 

so uhm. i think i just heard something while i was rewatching this panel that i never caught before. when misha reads what is on the box that was put on stage, he says: ‘please take this box and open later in private - daniella.’ and jensen goes: ‘yeah that’s from me’ with a flirty Look on his face like. hello??? why have i never seen anybody talk about this??? i’m??? internally screaming??? rest assured i had to take 5 when i saw this shit. 

can we take a second to appreciate the fact that jensen gave misha a once over when misha says the glitter is everywhere, and then jensen said “fairy herpes”. why did your mind go to a sexual reference jensen? why? (we know why).

“i hate when you get that look in your eyes. don’t! i’m sorry!” is one of the most coupley things to say, ever. just wanted to point that out. 

i love the playful vibe they have during this portion of the panel: jensen asking misha what he will do for the audience (thinly veiled excuse for wanting misha to do something that jensen will also enjoy), throwing the rings at misha, both of them “panicking” and lapping up the spilled apple juice.

look, i couldn’t not include the shirt lift. i had to. especially because of the way he looks at misha afterwards lmao and misha, darling misha, tries to defuse the situation by making a joke and it works because of course jensen does his signature unicorn laugh. sidenote: how cute is jackles when he grabs the guitar, begging people to erase the picture jsfhs. gotta love that man.

“you done messed up” inside joke number 3.

you know what is funny to me? the fact that jensen and misha often pretend not to know certain things about each other when they are on stage together. one example of this is during the underbear debacle, when jensen asks misha to proof he wears orange underwear and pretends he is shocked, even though the whole world knows that misha wears orange underwear. 

in this panel, it happens twice. the first time is here, when misha asks jensen ‘do you actually not smell?’ as if he isn’t one of the people in this world who would know that best. and then he, of course, immediately takes this opportunity to sniff jensen’s armpit. i mean. okay. which is extra funny because jackles doesn’t play along with the whole ‘i have no clue’ bit and just goes “yeah you’re not a stinker” without checking because, clearly, he already knows. 

i love jensen’s little smirk when he hears misha’s dragon would be pink + misha’s reaction to it.

before i read this post i always thought jensen meant that his own dragon would be salmon colored. but now i think that it’s not far fetched to believe jensen was actually thinking about the fact that he has stated he was wearing a salmon shirt. which means that, in this moment right here, he was implying that instead of pink, misha’s dragon (aka jensen) would be salmon. which makes his reaction (looking down, laughing but shaking his head as if he can’t believe himself) very understandable. remember what i said about that being the face he makes when one of them takes it too far? yeah.

but then, something happens that is quite remarkable to me. instead of backing down from what he said, he fully commits to it. he turns to misha, and goes “if i could ride a dragon”. listen to the way he puts extra weight behind “ride” and “dragon”. 

then he asks if he understands the question correctly and repeats “what would it look like?”, the girl in the audience says “yes, but also any special abilities…” but jensen just ignores that because obviously, in his head the dragon is misha and he is not gonna shake that thought process any time soon. so naturally, he goes “i think my dragon that i would want to…” but stops JUST before saying “ride”, the guy KNEW what he was sounding like. lmao jensen i gotta give it to you buddy, good effort. you did well. you came far. you even said “look, i’m just gonna go for it here” even though misha’s face speaks volumes. i love you for that. because everything that came out of your mouth right then sounded very not straight.

in fact, it’s only because of misha’s interference (a reoccurring thing during these panels) that he stops himself completely and goes to talk with misha. i really wonder what would have happened if misha didn’t stop him. i also REALLY wonder what misha and jensen discussed when they turned their backs to the audience. sigh. 

now we get to the juicy stuff. jensen’s little slip up here is really really strange, when you think about it. he says “i have kids” before quickly covering that up with “i have a kid now.” i’m not saying the ackles and the collins are one big happy family or anything like that, but i do think that they are close enough for him to slip up like this. maybe the kids hang out together a lot. maybe they have given each other enough support during those early days of raising kids that it sometimes feels like he had multiple kids at that point in time. idk. but in any case, i don’t think that’s a slip up you’d make unless there was some sort of truth in it. he also kind of stumbles over his words right after that. [before anybody runs to my inbox to tell me that j/2 tinhatters think this is about him and j*red raising their kids together: trust me, i know, but we’re not talking about that.]

misha’s cheeky “i thought you were talking about danneel” followed by the both of them simultaneously saying that jensen does not tell her what to do, made me grin like a fool. that is all. 

the way jensen says “misha, apparently you were looking pale and you need some sugar. there you go.” is so SOFT AND CUTE idek how to explain what i am feeling but it’s just. a lot. oh wait a minute, i do know what to call it: HUSBAND behavior.

“by the way we’re gonna pay so dearly when we get home” “yeah we are” lmao the jdmv vibes are strong in this one. 

look. i know it’s possible that misha woke up alone after that dream, thought to himself ‘i miss her’, went for breakfast, saw jensen, and told this story to him verbatim. but misha is literally telling the story from the pov of waking up from a dream and saying that out loud. it would make sense that he would explain that dream to the person who he woke up with, and that he would follow the dream explanation up with “i miss her”. plus jensen is REPEATING IT as if he was right there when misha said that. add to that the way jackles stumbles over his words here and gets flustered and sits down? and misha’s face? yeah. you done messed up jackles, part 2. 

jensen doesn’t know what to do with himself. just look at his face right after he sits down. and misha, once again, comes to the rescue, trying to continue the conversation about poop in order to distract both jensen and the audience. bless his soul. 

it leads to the second instance of misha pretending that he doesn’t know something about jensen, namely that jensen can’t stand poop even from his own daughter. misha goes: “no? not for you?” as if he didn’t already know that. 

round of applause for the jib team, for putting on ‘this thing called love’ to get jensen and misha to dance……. just saying.

jensen’s little nod to misha right here? husband telepathic communication at its finest. even their silly dad dances are in sync. 

jackles you are NOT being slick we can SEE you tossing the mic to your other hand so you can pull misha in by the waist (or honestly maybe his hand landed lower idk idk it’s possible).

it really is something special, though, what happened right here: jensen, macho masculine grumpy performative jensen, is smiling and laughing and enjoying dancing on stage, doing some ballet moves, all because of misha (and by some extent felicia). not just with felicia or by himself, but with rob, osric, etc. honestly it’s heartwarming to watch. it makes me smile so much. 

-

and that was jib 6. thanks for reading everybody <3 

McBrendon

Second Person

Brendon x Female Reader

Unspecified Era

Smut Oneshot

NC-17

3.2k Words

Warnings in order of appearance: RPF, language throughout, not pre-discussed roleplay scene, medical roleplay and language, sex

Author's Notes:

So, basically, I was re-watching Grey's Anatomy, and I was like, "What if Brendon was here?" and then this was born. I have no idea if someone who's never watched Grey's Anatomy would understand or appreciate this, but basically what I think you need to know is that Derek Shepherd and Mark Sloan are sexy manwhores (in the earier seasons), and a common recurring joke in the earlier seasons of the show is putting "Mc" in front of adjectives to describe love interests. The fic is supposed to be more silly than sexy, but maybe it's sexy too, I don't really know.

"Wait, what about those two?" He asks, and you sigh exasperatedly.

"Brendon, just assume that all of the doctors on the Doctor Sex Show have slept together. That's the whole point."

He groans and slumps back in his chair, "Remind me why we have to watch this overdramatic doctor smut in the theater? The theater should be a sacred space for Disney movies or action movies with boobies and explosions, not 'ohhhh does McCreamy only like Natalie because she hooked up with Appendectomy?.'"

"It's my week on laundry duty, and whoever's folding laundry gets to watch whatever they want wherever they want. That's the rules, but you can go watch something in the living room or on your computer or on your phone if you don't like it," you offer, trying to get rid of him. You love Brendon, you love him so much, but sometimes you need to sit in the dark and fold laundry with no other noises except your soapy little doctor show.

"Fine. The men of the house are going to go watch something manly, don't bother us. Come on, Bogart!"

Brendon's little Jack Russell turns to look at you as if asking to stay, but you pat his back and send him off to go snuggle with his dad. You don't think you could handle Brendon's betrayed gasps if you let Bogart finish the episode with you. You and Penny will be fine ogling at Patrick Dempsey while file-folding Brendon's 68 pairs of gray and black sweatpants alone. Brendon kisses your cheek before he leaves. "Have fun with the boobs and explosions, babe," you tell him on his way out of the room.

"Oh, you know I will!"

•••

Two weeks later, it's your turn to fold laundry again, and you're back to watching Grey's, this time in the living room. The dogs are sitting next to you, eyes glued to the screen. Brendon's also in the room, bitching about "introducing this drivel into our home," but you're ignoring him because you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

He finally quiets down, and you appreciate the five minutes of peace. Until… "Are you unsatisfied with our sex life?" He asks out of the blue.

You're taken completely aback for a second before you scramble to pause the tv. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what? Where did this come from?" you ask him. What the fuck? Is he unsatisfied with your sex life?

"Well, we haven't had sex in weeks practically." Three days actually. It's been three days, but you don't interrupt him. "And you keep watching this sexy doctor show, so I don't know, maybe you're feeling like a bored housewife," Brendon explains.

You laugh at him, and he looks offended. "You're overthinking it, baby boy. It's just a show! Sure, the sexual tension between the entire hospital and Mark Sloan is spicy and exciting, but I'm not trying to compensate for anything lacking in my life. If anything, all that spice just translates into better sex for both of us. Okay?"

He looks very skeptical. "Hm, sure. I totally believe you."

You don't necessarily think you properly got your point across to him, but Meredith just made another bad decision, and you need to see how it pans out. "Okay, great, now go watch a manly show with Bogs in our room if you're going to keep whining."

Brendon does not, in fact, go into your room to watch a manly show on his laptop. Instead, he and Bogart start watching season 1 of Grey's Anatomy, immediately getting highly invested in the lives of the ambitious-yet-messy surgical interns. He's trying to figure out what exactly appeals to you about the show.

•••

It's his turn to fold the clothes, and he's doing it wrong, but you're resisting the urge to do it for him because you're a feminist, damnit. He's still letting you watch Grey's Anatomy because he's a doll (and you don't know this, but he's also become a bit of a fan.)

"Do you think I'm more a Mark Sloan or a Derek Shepherd?" He asks.

You scoff, "You're a George."

"I am not! I'm way sexier than George!"

"You're just jealous because I'm an Addison."

"Pshh, you're a Bailey. You wanna know how I know?" He asks.

"Fine. Tell me." You give in.

"You desperately want to correct my laundry technique."

•••

"Meet me in the on-call room in five," Brendon whispers against the back of your neck while you're drying the dishes from dinner. What is this man doing? "Meet you where?" You ask, but he's already walked away. You're not sure whether to actually wait the five minutes or just try to go find him.

You give him three minutes before going to the bedroom. You honestly don't know what you were expecting, but it wasn't Brendon laying on his side in the middle of your bed, shirtless under a white coat. He has on a pair of navy blue scrub pants that aren't particularly flattering, but they still look nice on him.

"Explain to me what's happening here, homie," you tell him.

"I'm being sexy for you! So sexy! I'm Dr. Brendon "McKinky" Urie, I'm a general surgery attending, but my real specialty is pleasure."

You visibly cringe for him. "You're a McDoofus, and your real specialty is probably malpractice."

He pouts. "Play along. Come on. Please? Be Dr. Y/N Sexy."

You roll your eyes. "Why do you get your real last name, but I'm Dr. Sexy?"

"Because we're not married in this fantasy! We're both cheating on our spouses but not in a tragic way, in a sexy way! Come on! Let yourself have fun," he pleads.

You feel yourself start to cave. "Fine, I'll play along, but I'm stopping this the minute I feel weird, okay?"

"Of course. And, babe, if you don't want to do this, you absolutely do not have to," he says, serious now.

"No, no, Brendon. I'm down for this. I think you're a total goof for doing it, but I trust you."

He brightens, "Great! Now it's time for your examination." He waggles his eyebrows, climbing off the bed and gesturing for you to take his place.

"Exam? Am I a patient? Why am I in the on-call room if I'm a patient?" You ask.

"Doctors need exams too, y'know. We're both doctors, but I don't know, you need a routine exam for like moles or something. Take your clothes off." He says, and you take a split-second to be grateful that Brendon got discovered for his musical talents and will therefore never be an actual doctor.

You stifle back your laughter and strip down to your underwear, lying on your back on top of the white sheet he put over the comforter to protect the bed from any potential messes. He stands over you next to the bed, and you're happy that you at least get to stare at his body during this little experiment. The whole "doctor" thing may not be driving you wild on its own, but your half-naked husband always will.

"Thank you for coming to this appointment, Dr. Y/N Sexy," he says. Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh, you chant in your head. "First," he says, making his voice husky, "I need to test your reflexes." Something tells you he won't be using one of those little hammers. He bends down and breathes against your neck. You shiver, and goosebumps appear on your arms. You're glad you wore your front clasp bra when he unclips it and has immediate access to your breasts. He circles around your nipple with his finger, and they harden quickly. "Mmm, good reflexes indeed. Very responsive," he purrs. "I don't think your test results are conclusive yet. You should keep going," you encourage. He rubs your scalp, and your head rolls back. You're worried that you'll start drooling.

Brendon smirks at you a little, and his smugness is slightly infuriating. Yes, you like him touching you, but that hardly proves that his weird roleplaying was a good idea. "Just like I observed, fantastic reflexes. But I now must move on to the chest exam." He rests his head on your chest, and you're beginning to suspect that this whole thing was just a ploy to touch your boobs a lot. "Is your heart rate always this fast or just when your hot coworker is touching you?"

"Normally only my husband, also named Brendon… for some reason, can get me so worked up, but now I'm thinking of leaving him for you, McCrinkly."

"It's McKinky, and your husband sounds gorgeous and super smart. You should keep him around," he says, climbing onto you and groping your breasts. "In my professional opinion, these are nice tits."

You have to bite your lip to resist the urge to laugh again. You wouldn't quite say you're aroused, but you are having fun at least. "Okay, okay, doc. Enough of the preliminary exam; I need five and a half inches, stat."

"You couldn't round up to six while we're playing!?"

"Oh, come on, you're lucky I rounded up to five and a half!"

"Rude! So rude!"

You kiss him to shut him up. "Sorry, baby, I won't bully you anymore. Now, how about a cervical exam?" You suggest, craving his thickness inside you.

That cheers him up. Brendon resumes his doctor roleplay. "First, let me complete the dermatological examination. If you could remove your undergarments, please."

You throw your bra on the floor and take off your underwear.

He admires the small amount of newly-exposed skin. "So many marks on your breasts and pubic region. Did your hot husband leave these too, or should I investigate for a skin condition?" He asks, ducking between your thighs to add some more.

"Yeah, he left them there. My sexy husband is kind of the best, but enough about him," you say.

New dark spots pop up after he finally moves his mouth from the sensitive skin of your thighs. "Oops, I think I just burst a couple of capillaries."

Well, someone did some light googling. "Do you think I'll make it?" You ask, faking drama.

"Yes, but you'll need someone to pay lots of attention to the area between your thighs."

He never mastered the art of subtly, did he? "I don't think that will be an issue. My husband will be thrilled."

"Great, that's taken care of. Shall we commence with the cervical exam then?" He asks, rolling off you to tug off his scrubs and underwear. He keeps his dumb coat on, which is more goofy than sexy without clothes underneath, but you don't tell him that. "And we can test your motor skills at the same time. Hands and knees, please."

You obey, and he moves behind you to enter you. He pushes into you quickly and hard, just like you like it. "God, there's so much blood in my, hm, um corpus cavernosum… I think," he says.

"Your what? Are you trying to cast a Harry Potter spell? because that's a whole different roleplay," You crane your neck back to see him, and your eyes widen. "Brendon, are you," you need to pause to choke back your laughter, "are you reading from a flashcard? While inside me?"

He's on his knees behind you, squinting at a white notecard. He flips the card over and reads from it, "the corpus cavernosum is, um, the main erectile tissue in the genitals. So, uh, I was trying to say that I'm hard for you."

That's it, you can't contain your laughter. You can't even bear to look at Brendon without cracking up. Tears are streaming down your face. He hisses, and you think it's because you've upset him, but you turn back to look at him, and he's biting his lip, his head tilted back.

"Are you good, B?" You ask, a little worried.

He's breathing hard. "Yeah, just your laughing caused contractions around my cock, and I was not prepared. Felt good, just unexpected." He pulls almost all the way out and then jerks back in, not quite slamming but gearing up to it.

"Faster, please. Careful still, but faster," you request.

He speeds up perfectly, finally filling you up and relieving the ache inside you. You relish each time his hips meet your body, feeling close to him, even if the position isn't as intimate as he usually likes. You suppose successful Dr. Kinky, notorious womanizer, wouldn't necessarily want to make loving, passionate eye contact with all of his conquests.

"So, Dr. Kinky-"

"No, it's doctor Urie, McKinky."

Jesus, you need a script. "So, Dr. Urie, do you have enough energy after all those lobotomies or whatever to rub a girl's clit? I bet my husband, the other Brendon, would touch me."

"Well, I would never even bother to compete with such a stellar man, but I can still try to get you off." His hands move between your thighs to touch your cunt. "Oh no, so much excess fluid here. I hope nothing's wrong." He puts a finger on your throbbing clit and feigns a sigh of relief, "Good, I've found a pulse." His touch is feather-light as he slowly strokes you. The contrast between his fast, hard thrusts and delicate strokes somehow enhances both of his actions.

"Oh, that's nice," you moan.

"You mind if I have you roll over? I still have to test your flexibility, and I'd love to do that with your legs on my shoulders."

"Fuck yeah."

He pulls out, and you get on your back; he gets you ready by situating the pillows underneath you. You rest a leg on either shoulder, and he thrusts in again. You don't want to admit it to him, but you feel like you'll need to come soon. The spikes of pleasure pulsing between your legs have been getting stronger and closer together, and now that you can see what you do to him, rather than just hearing his occasional grunts, you feel even closer to crossing that finish line.

"I'm observing some rapid contractions, Sexy. Should I note in your chart how close you are to coming all over me? Because it seems to me that you're failing your stamina and endurance evaluation," Dr. Urie teases.

You close your eyes to try to eliminate a source of the arousal, but you still feel painfully close to the edge.

Brendon inadvertently shifts a bit, and that does it. Your arousal peaks intensely, and you try to restrain your reactions on the off chance he doesn't notice. However, you're pretty sure he does notice your orgasm when his movements slow to a stop, and that's confirmed when he outright says it. "You just came," he states. It's not a question.

You nod, not bothering to deny it.

He pulls out, and you finally get to see his still-hard cock soaked with your wetness. "Well I suppose, we can run… further tests to reach a full diagnosis," he practically croons, pulling his scrub pants back on, and a wave of lust spreads from your stomach. Fine, the doctor thing is a little hot. "It's up to you though, I defer to your professional opinion."

"I think my exam is complete, actually, but I know you've been complaining of some pain in this region," you give his crotch a quick squeeze. "Do you mind stripping so I can investigate?"

He immediately takes off his coat, obviously excited, and gives it to you, so you put it on. "So, can you describe the pain?" You ask, putting a hand on his thigh.

"Kind of an ache, I guess?"

You squeeze his thigh, "And you'd say the pain is mainly here?"

"No, uh, um, to the right."

You squeeze his other thigh, "Oh, I see, right here?"

"No, not, um, my thigh."

"Sorry, I understand." You lay your hand flat on his stomach, still carefully avoiding his cock. "Your stomach must be hurting."

"Still not quite."

You clench your jaw in fake frustration. "Well, could you just show me where you need my attention, Doctor Urie?"

He shoves down his pants and grasps his leaking cock, groaning in relief when he starts to tentatively touch himself.

"Yes, very good, thank you. Would you say the ache subsides with stimulation?" You ask professionally.

Brendon nods and smirks a bit, "Yeah, you could say that."

"Well, I think you just need to achieve ejaculation," you diagnose.

"Is that, ah, covered under my insurance?" He asks cheekily, still jerking himself.

You laugh, going to dig the lubricant out, "Okay," you nudge his hand away, "leave this to the professionals." You pour the clear lube into your hand. "This may be a bit cold," you warn. He doesn't really need the lube, he's both leaking profusely and still slick from being inside you, but you want to keep up the "doctor vibes." You grasp him firmly and stroke quickly, trying to get him off as soon as you can. You kind of want to use your mouth, but you can't think of a good reason to within the roleplay. That's mostly fine, though, because you can tell he's about to come.

He comes all over your hand without warning a minute or so later. He shudders and groans, spurting twice more. You didn’t realize how worked up he was. Of course, you saw how hard he was, but to come this much from just jerking him off means he was really turned on. "Outstanding sperm production, sir," you say, crudely wiping him up with a tissue.

"Okay, no more doctor talk. My brain is too mushy," he groans.

You take off the coat and get into bed, cuddling against him. "If your brain is mushy, you probably should see a doctor."

He giggles. "So, would you do this again?"

You think for a second. "Well, I'd roleplay with you again, but you have to warn me next time. And probably not the doctor thing again. It was hot playing with you, but thinking about actual medical procedures is not my thing."

He yawns, "Noted about the warning you next time, and that's too bad. I was really looking forward to the oral exam. How big is your mouth? How's your swallow technique?" He says, half-jokingly.

"Hey, don't push it, or we're doing a prostate exam, and due to budget cuts to the hospital, we're going to be low on lubricant."

He cringes, "Point taken. I don't need a doctor roleplay; the next time I want a blowjob, I'll just ask."

You get out of bed and put on your pajamas. "Well, if it's in the next 45 minutes, your request is getting denied because Penny Lane, Bogart, and I are watching the real Grey's Anatomy in the theater while you're still too weak to complain about it. And this is a good time to tell you that my character is not actually a medical doctor. I have a PHD in film studies. I’m a fraud.”

His mouth drops open, "You're telling me that wasn't an official medical handjob?!"

"I trust that you'll get over this. Love you, babe."

He scowls but still mutters a quiet, “I love you too.”

William and Catherine

by fanoffiction / 2011-2013

Chapters 9-17 below. Earlier chapters are not available.

Chapter 9

William took the familiar drive from St. James Palace to Kate’s flat. He was thinking about the last few months and how their relationship was going great. Kate was getting more comfortable about talking to William and vise versa. William also wanted her to spend more time with his family so she could understand him better and what his life is really like. There was no rush and no pressure. He didn’t want to end up like his parents. It had been almost 3 weeks since he saw Kate. As he got out of the car and headed to the flat he rubbed his face and wondered if she would like it or hate it.

Kate opened the door and her eyes almost popped out of her head. She hugged him as he gave her a big hug and lifted her up and wrapped her legs around his waist. William headed to the bedroom without any hesitation. Kate tried to unwrap her legs but William was not letting her get down as he held her legs close to his body and kissed her neck. Kate pleated in his ear, “Wills, let me down please.” William kept walking and looked up into her eyes. Kate knew that look and he was not going to let her go. William said, “Hi, I missed you, I love you, I need you, and I want you.” He let her down on the bed and took off his jacket and shoes. Kate looked up at him and smirked she noticed the hair on his face and smirked but didn’t say a word, she didn’t care at that point, he was here. He kissed her and she started to giggle as his whiskers tickled her. Kate unbuttoned his shirt and took it off as he kissed down her neck and she was trying to control her giggles as his whiskers tickled her once again. William sat up and said, “What is so funny?” Kate looked at him with a look of confusion and said, “its your manly hair you have grown on your face that is tickling me.” William said, “so you don’t like it?” Kate said, “no its not that its just I’m not use to it and it tickles.” William said, “do you want me to shave it?” Kate smiled and said, “no, I’ll try anything once, besides this could be fun.” William tickled her and started to rub his face all over Kate to make her giggle. He missed the sound of her laugh.

William was enjoying Christmas with his family but he kept wondering what Kate was doing and how her Christmas was going. He already texted her 3 times in the past hour. He was trying to get hints out of her about his present. She was not giving in, she new exactly what he was trying to do and it wasn’t going to work. His grandmother came up to him and said, William what are you doing. William said, “sorry just texting Kate about New Year’s Eve Party.” She said, “o, how are things going?” William said, “good”. She asked “what does Kate think about your beard?” William says, “she doesn’t mind it, but she thinks I am compensating for lack of hair on my head.” She laughs and says, “William no woman likes facial hair it tickles.” William was in shock and finally said “really thanks for the advise.” She replied, “she must really love you.”

Kate headed to the party and was excited to see William they had a few hours alone together before anyone else got there. Kate walked up to the room they shared when they stayed there together. She opened the door and saw tons of flowers and candles. William had presents sitting on the bed and was hiding behind the door when she opened it. He reached from behind her and said “Merry Christmas.” She turned and hugged him and gave him a big kiss. She pulled away and said, “Merry Christmas to you too.” She gasped and said, “you shaved.” He smiled and said, “Happy New Year.” She smiled and giggled then started kissing him all over his clean shaven face, then said, “do you want one of your presents right know.” She started to take her shoes off and unbutton her shirt. Williams eye lit up and said, “uh yea.”

As they laid in bed William asked “so how did you really feel about my beard?” Kate hesitated, “well at first, I wasn’t too sure it tickled me, then it was kinda fun, but to be honest I think I like you clean shaven better, but if you like it I could live with it.” William smiled and kissed the top of her head, it was the answer he was hoping for. William said, “OK, you need to open this present first and they all sort of go together so be patient.” Kate smiled and said, “OK” Kate opened the first present, it was a huge binder and the outside read “How to be Princess”, she opened it up and saw empty page and looked at Wills. William said “you remember how we have been talking about doing this our way well, I think we should write down all the stuff that works and doesn’t work, you know kinda like a guide or a journal of how to handle all this stuff.” Kate was still looking down. William continued and said, “you don’t like it?” Kate looked up and quickly said, “no, I love it, it’s a great idea, but… no rush, no pressure right? William smiled and said, “Right.”

William handed her another package, she opened it, it was a smaller binder with William schedule for the next year. William said, “this is my tentative schedule for the next year, look its all color coded, Have to royal duties are in red, Charities are in blue, Military training is in green, personal stuff is in purple, orange and yellow.” Kate looked at it and asked what some of the abbreviations meant, “what is OH?” William said, “ Office hours.” Kate asked, “FW?” He replied, “friend or family wedding.” Kate asked giggling“MM, is that your chocolate fix?” William giggled and said, “sort of MM stands for Miss Middleton.” Kate blushed and said, “Wow, I made Prince Williams schedule…, do you really schedule time with me? William said, “no, its not like that, when we got back together last year, Jaime and I talked about not pushing you out of my life and making time for you so we need a way to keep in stone our plans. William saw that Kate was confused so he continued, “See before Jaime only handled my public, military and family schedule and I did my private one. So he came up with the abbreviations and color coding to keep it organized.” “Trust me this works so much better, its not like if you are not on the schedule I can’t spend time with you.” William handed her another box and it was big. She opened another it was a box of DVD’s, she started reading the covers. They were royal engagements of his family from the past 40 plus years, his grandparents, his parents, aunts, uncles, Harry and himself. William said, “I think we should start watching these together.” Kate smiled and said, “you will do just about anything for a chance to watch TV won’t you.” William laughed because he knew she was right. He handed her the last box, it was small and wrapped in beautiful red and green paper with a white bow. Kate upwrapped the box and then opened the box and found a set of keys, she was confused. William said, “O, part of your present isn’t quite ready yet but those keys go to it, so when it is ready I will show it to you, OK.” Kate smiled and said, “thank you I love my presents, and I love you.” Kate ran and got her presents and William ripped them all open like he was a kid again.

Chapter 10

The new year brought a new outlook for the future. William was excited about his search and rescue pilot training. He loved flying helicopters and a chance to actually have a real job and having the ability to help someone was exciting. William also knew that Kate worried about him, training was dangerous but especially flying helicopters. He needed to stay focus on flying and not about how Kate was feeling. This was hard, but if he didn’t the unthinkable could happen.

Kate started the new year with another birthday and the keys that William got her were to a new car. Part was a Christmas present, part was a birthday present. It was to drive and meet William on weekends during his training. Kate again had added more duties to her job and was busy again. She often wondered if her parents kept her busy to keep her mind off William and his dangerous training. Either way it worked, at least for a while.

By April they had a schedule worked out and spent as much time as possible together. William was leaving a lecture ready to begin a training exercise when some of the guys started joking around about the weekend they had with their girls. Some were married and some had girlfriends and some just had a girl. He laughed and responded with a joke of his own. All the guys hesitated and then looked at each as if they were all shocked that he was so normal, then after a long silence, they all laughed together.

William headed out to the helicopter and was thinking about the past weekend with Kate, it was great, he loved her so much. The exercise was almost done and then he started to think about Kate. The instuctor took over the helicopter as William was in a trance. He asked if he was Ok, and with a confused and worried face he said, “yes of course”. The instructor took the heli back to base. As they shut down he instructed William to hit the showers and then come to his office. William new this was not good, as he got back to his quarters he noticed he had a text from Kate. “I had a great time this weekend, hope training is going well, and keep save, love you.” He sat down on the bed and rubbed his head, thinking how can I keep save if I can’t focus. William texted Kate back and said, “Training is not going good, I am going to stay next weekend to work on few exercises.”

William walked into the office knowing what was about to come. The instructor asked him to close the door and have a seat. The instructor said “So William it has been about 16 weeks since you entered the program correct.” “Yes, sir.” He continued, “so tell me how do you think you are doing?” “I really like flying, but today sir, I am not sure what happened, I lost focus.” The instructor said, “No that’s OK, its good that it happened know rather than later.” William was confused and said, “What, what do you mean, you knew I was losing focus?” The instructor explained, “don’t worry it happens to everybody, or at least the good pilots, see I think to be a good pilot you have to have a moment if you will, of lack of control. A lot of pilots will say that everytime there mind wonders they remember that first moment and how it felt. For some reason it makes them focus better, to be honest I am quite impressed that you have lasted this long without losing focus, I am sure you have lots of distractions.” William was silent and had his eyes fixed on his instructors pen holder. The instructor continued “look William I am going to give you a piece of advise my instructor gave me, find someone who you trust and can talk to about this sort of stuff, someone not on base. A family member, friend, but also make sure they can handle the stuff that you tell them and its not going to hurt your relationship.” William shook his head and headed out of the office and back to his quarters.

Kate was running errands and saw the text from William she was confused, was he hurt, did he hurt someone else, why didn’t he say love you. Kate finished her errands and headed back to her parents for the night. Her mom was out of town for a few days and it was just her and her dad. Kate was at her computer when her father walked in, he went upstairs to change and then asked Kate if she wanted to go to the pub for dinner. She agreed. Mike new there was something wrong with Kate. After ordering Mike asked, “so are you going to tell me what is bothering you or are you going to make me quess?” Kate smiled and said, “I am not sure what it is, William and I had a great weekend, and I texted him and he texted back that he was staying on base this weekend to practice.” Mike said, “and what is wrong with that, look Kate fly is hard work and takes lots of practice, and if he doesn’t practice then well he could get hurt.” Kate had worried on her face, “I know that, and that scares me, but it was the way he said it, something is wrong and I can’t talk to him, to help him, he pushed me away when he should be talking to me.” Mike laughed and said, “Kate he needs to focus on flying.” “He needs to separate his private life, from flying if not he can lose focus.” “Look Kate I need to tell you something but you need to hear me out and I am only telling you this because I love you very much.”

“I was actually shocked when you told us about dating William and I didn’t really like it, but I saw how happy you were and how you too looked at each other.” “I don’t want you in the media, I want you to have a good life, I want you to be successful, I judged William on his family not on his own merits.” “However, over the years I have realized its not about what I want anymore for you, its about what you want.” “When you two broke up William came to see me about making a formal complaint, he said something and I am not sure he if knew he said it. Kate said, “what did he say?” He said, “when I get Kate back, not if.” “I knew he was really serious about you then and if two really loved each other you would find a way back to each other.” “The same is here, you have to work thru this together, support a loved one in the military is hard and it has to take a back seat to ensure there safety.” Kate new her father was right.

As Kate got ready for bed she stared at her phone wondering what to do, she picked it up about 4 times before putting it down, finally on the fifth time she said to herself just do it. Kate wrote a text to William, “OK, focus on your training, stay safe, I love you.” Kate plugged her phone in and went to bed.

William heard his phone beep and he debated to weather or not check to see who it was. He finally picked it up, it was Harry. He answered, “Hi Harry” Hi Wills.” How’s it going?” Harry you have great timing.” Harry said, “why what is wrong?” William said, “well I was in an exercise today and I lost focus.” Harry said, “what were you thinking about? William hesitated “I was thinking about Kate.” Harry said, “Have you talked to her about it?” William said, “no, she is the reason why I lost focus, Harry are you even listening?” Harry said, “yes, I am and most men who get hurt say they aren’t focus because they weren’t honest and truthful with their girl.” “You need to tell Kate what is going on, trust me Wills.” “Guys I have talked to tell me they feel a lot better after they talk it out, plus it makes for a better relationship, girls love that stuff.” William thanked Harry for the advice and hung up. Just as he was about to put his phone down he saw he had a message, it was from Kate, he thought she would be upset that they would not be seeing each other this weekend. He read the text and was amazed, maybe Kate was the person he could trust and confide in about his fears, all of his fears. William sent a message back, “Thank you for your support it means the world to me, I love you too.”

Chapter 11

Time was starting to move quickly, Spring was here and Summer was just around the corner. This usually meant more royal duties, vacations and of course Polo matches. It had been so long since William and Kate had spent any time alone together. The last time they saw each other it was only a couple of hours at her parents’ house. They didn’t have much alone time but at least they got to see each other. They were talking almost every night since they couldn’t see each other, flirting on the phone could only go so far but it was fun and exciting.

William was rushing out of the base to attend a polo match, he gathered all of his stuff and headed out. As he got to the match he finished getting dress and started looking for his boots. Harry started to laugh and said, “you forget them didn’t you?” William walked away rubbed his head and let out a frustrated moan. William said “Harry what am I going to do, do you think anybody has extra boots?” Harry laughed, “not in your size big guy.” “Where are they anyways?” William was thinking about were they were. He finally said, “they are at the apartment.” Harry said, “call Kate, she can pick them up on her way.” William said, “she can’t come today, she has to work.” William was thinking who he could call to get his boots, a lot of people he knew were already at the match or on their way. He had to think fast, his phone began to ring, it was Kate. William answered saying, “Hello.” “Kate I’m sorry I can’t talk I forgot my boots, and I have to find someone to bring them to me.” “OK, I will call you back.” Kate interrupted and said, “Wait, I am coming to the match, my meeting got cancelled.” “Wear are your boots?” William said, “I love you, they are in my closet on the left at the apartment. I love you .” Kate said, “yes, I know you already said that.” “I should be there in about 45 minutes or so OK?” William smiled and said, “thank you, how much is this going to cost me? Kate laughed and said, “we can settle up later big Willie.” William replied, “oh I might actually like paying for this.” Harry was shaking his head in the back ground wishing not to hear any of this conversation.

Kate made her way into the apartment and headed back downstairs to her car. As she went out the door she saw a car pull up and started to slow down. The window came down and Kate was wondering who it was, she thought everyone else was at the polo match. As the car got closer she heard a familiar voice. “Why hello Miss Middleton.” “Aren’t those boots too big for you?” Kate smiled and giggle out of nerves, “yes, they are, William forgot them for his match today.” He replied looking at his watch, “well you better get going I am sure William is already pacing.” Kate thanked him and she was off.

William was ready to go except for his boots, thankfully he was able to do warm ups with his shoes he had, but it just didn’t feel right let alone look silly. Harry rode by about 10 times with some smart comment about his attire. Finally, Kate pulled up and started to call William on his phone when Jaime found her and motioned her over. Kate put her head down and hurried over to the tent as she opened it she found William pacing. He was so nervous about his boots, it was so adorable she just watched him for a split second before she said, “William here are you boots, special delivery.” William looked up he didn’t even notice the boots, he saw Kate’s eyes and face, he missed her so much. He ws not use to kissing William in public and started to pull away a little, William deepened the kiss and pulled her even closer. William opened his eyes and saw wonderful kind,beautiful and caring person. William said, “Thank you” Kate said, “Wow, you must of really wanted those boots.” William started to put the boots on and said, “you have no idea, but that was not your payment, that was because I missed you.” Kate smiled and said, “aww, I missed you too.” Harry was standing in the doorway, “would you two love birds hurry up, we have a match to play.” Kate wished them both good luck and headed to the stands to watch.

After the match William and Kate drove back to London together. They were catching up on everything that they could not talk about on the phone, plus they were flirting with each other. As Kate opened her apartment she heard William’s boats hit the floor. She turned and saw William smiling and giving her a smirk. Kate said, “O no, you still owe me payment for delivering your boots.” William started to walk closer to her and said “Yes, I am prepared to pay my bill, but can I get on a payment plan, you know a little now a little later, and later. Kate was smiling and laughing at William’s attempt to flirt.

William was starting get undress and kiss Kate down the neck. Pippa came out from her room. She said “Wow, that was quick.” Kate pushed William away and they both looked up. William was a bit confused. Kate said, “OK now its time to settle up mister follow me.” William was a little terrified what was about to happen. As he entered into Pippa’s room he realized they needed help. William smiled and pointed, so this is… Kate was shaking her head yes and smiling. William said, “OK.”

Kate made them all dinner and had brought it into Pippa’s room so they could finish putting together a computer desk. After 3 nights of running to the hardware store to get all the tools to put it together, they were finally finished. Pippa thanked them both and said, “well I am off to the movies and guys can continue to whatever you were doing earlier, I won’t be back till later we are going for drinks after.”

Kate was looking at the desk and said, “um, Big Willie, I think your craftsmanship could use some work, it looks a little crooked.” William replied and said, “well we can take it apart and start over again, but that might take all night, won’t you rather be doing something else instead.” Kate looked at William trying not to smile, “why what else do we have to do tonight.” William was done with the flirting and started to take off his clothes and said, “well actually I smell and I need to shower, so your coming with me.”

Kate was staring at William taking off his clothes and started to smile with joy. William chased Kate around the apartment until she let him catch her. She loved showering with William.

Chapter 12

Kate finished putting on her make up and saw William out of the corner of her eye. She new he was coming over to kiss her and put his arm around her, and maybe he even had a sarcastic comment to attempt flirting. He had done it a hundred times before. But, what she didn’t expect was a conversation that he started.

William came up behind her and had a smile on his face, he put his arm around her and kissed her on her cheek, he said, “you look beautiful.” “I am going to miss you next week.” Kate looked back at him in the mirror and said with a half smile “I am going to miss you too, but its just 10 days, I’ll see you when you get back we have a wedding that Saturday remember?” William said, “yes, I remember.” “Kate I want to ask you something and there is no pressure or rush but I was just thinking, how do you feel about tours?” Kate was confused and asked “what do you mean tours, you going away, I know its something you have to do, and you always seem to enjoy them and meet new and different people.” William said, “yes, but I mean for you, is it something you can see yourself doing someday.” Kate was done with her make up and turned to look at William with a nervous look. The silence seemed to be filling the air and kept getting longer, finally, Kate said, “to be honest I have never really thought about it, but I understand the concept and why you do it.” William said, “this is my life and it will always be my life so you really need to start thinking about this sort of stuff and if you can handle it, or want to do it, OK?” Kate new what he meant and said, “yes, I will start to think about it and… “ There was a knock on the door, a familiar voice, “Are you two ready yet? William gave Kate a quick kiss and said, “yes, Harry we are ready we will be right out.”

As Kate sat for dinner the thoughts of the conversation in the bathroom were coming back to her. She quickly came out of her trance as William’s father asked her about her parents. As she engaged in conversation over dinner they laughed and talked about what has been going on in each of their lives. She had become more and more comfortable each time she spent time with William’s family. After dinner they said goodnight and went back to their rooms. Harry, William and Kate headed back to the apartment. Harry asked if they were going out, and if they wanted to come, William quickly answered, “no I think I am going to stay in tonight, I have a long week ahead of me.” Harry turned to Kate and asked her, she looked at William and said, “no, I think I will stay in as well, thank you though Harry.”

William got back to his room and turned to Kate and said, “you know you can go out with Harry if you want you don’t have to stay with me, I know how much you love to dance.” Kate walked over to William and started to undo his tie and unbutton his shirt as she said, “yes, I do love to dance, but I love you more, and I want to spend time with you.” William knew what Kate was applying and he loved the fact that she wanted him and how she told him she loved him, but more than that he loved how she showed him how much she loved him.

Kate laid on William’s chest and sighed at the warmth of William’s body and his soft touch, he always stroked her back softly while they were cuddling. It was the little things that made her fall in love with William and those little things still made her love him as well. Mourning came quickly and they said there goodbyes. William left for his tour and Kate headed to her parents she was going to spend a few days working in the office helping out her parents.

Kate got home the first night and put in one of the videos for a tour from his parents. Kate watched it and soon began to cry, thinking to herself, what am I doing, if she couldn’t do this, I can’t do it. A knock came at the door, Kate wiped her face and tried to compose herself and then said, “come in.” Kate saw it was her dad and they locked eyes and Kate began to cry again. He sat on the bed with his daughter and hugged her and asked “Kate sweetie, what is wrong.” Kate turned the TV back on and said “this.” Mike looked with a sadden face and said, “why are you watching this if its going to upset you?” Kate explained William’s Christmas presents to her and she watched this video because William had asked how she felt about tours, so she decided to watch a video to get a better idea. Her father hugged her again as she began to cry again.

Her father said, “you know Kate you and William are not his parents, she was really young when they got married and they didn’t know each other very long before they got married.” “You and William have to figure this out yourselves, I know you love William and he loves you but he is right you both need to look at this as more than just a personal relationship.” Kate was confused, “What do you mean?” Her dad explained, “ He will always have a public life and if you get married you will also be in the public life, I think he wants to make sure you are willing to do that and are ready for it.” “I think you already know supporting William in his military career is part of him, but supporting his royal duties and the future King of England is different and a lot more demanding.” “I think that his mother was not ready for that and he wants to make sure that you are.” Her father looked thru the tapes and found a different video, he turned it on and they watched a few minutes. He looked at his daughter and said, “see its not all bad, tours I am sure are demanding with everyone shouting your name and yelling, shaking hands, planting trees, unveiling plaques, visiting with people.” “But also being in that position you can do so much as well, for the good.”

Her father said, “look Kate, I don’t want what happened to William’s mother to happen to you, and I would prefer you not to marry a prince, but just some regular guy you are in love with.” “I just want you to be happy.” Kate smiled and said, “Dad, William is just a regular guy to me, he does make me happy and I do love him.” “I can totally see us having a life together, its just that I am not sure if I will be very good at all the other stuff.” Her father laughed a little and said, “Kate you really need to have confidence in yourself, you have accomplished so much already with work and charities, you have great friends and you have a wonderful gift of kindness and caring for others.” We all see this, but you have to see it as well.” Kate was shocked by all the kind words that were easily flowing out of her father and said, “thank you daddy.”

Kate finished up work and headed back to London she had a dinner party to attend the next night and she had to get ready. As she was laying out her clothes she noticed she was missing the shoes she needed to match her dress. She realized the last time she wore them was dinner at Clarence House a few days back, they must be still there. She rang Harry to see if it was OK, to stop by the apartment to pick them up. As he answered Kate her a lower voice than usually so she said, “Harry is that you?” He answered, “yah, its me, I am sick, I have a bad cold.” Kate replied, “O I am sorry to bother you but I left a pair of shoes there the other night do you think it will be OK if I come over and pick them up?” Harry said, “yea, no problem.” Kate said, “Thanks, do you need anything while I am on my way over?” Harry replied, “yes, actually I am out of medicine, thanks.”

As Kate walked in she noticed Harry had some old soup cans open and crumbs from toast all over. She knocked on Harry’s door and he answered in his pajamas, Kate took one look at him and said, “Harry why don’t you get in the shower, and change your clothes, I’ll make you some soup.” Harry tried to say something, but Kate turned him around and pointed to the shower and said, “you are just as stubborn as your brother, now march.”

Kate made some fresh soup and put it on a tray with some OJ, water, cough drops, medicine, tissues, and movies from William’s room. Kate knocked and Harry said, “come in.” Kate saw he was showered and had fresh PJ’s on. She set the tray down on the table and showed him what she had. Harry thanked her and said “Wow, this is great thanks, but you didn’t have to do all this.” Kate replied, “Harry don’t take this the wrong way but you look like crap and if you are anything like your brother your helpless when your sick.” Harry laughed and said, “yea, your absolutely right.” Kate said, “well I have to get going, I have dinner plans tonight.” “Let me know if you need anything in the next couple of days, I have a couple of meetings in town this week so I am working from my apartment.” Harry replied, “OK, I will, thanks Kate.” Kate replied, “no problem, feel better.”

William called Kate on the plane and she was running late, they were suppose to meet up at Clarence House, but she had a meeting that ran late. William walked into the apartment and found Harry packing his bags to head back to training. They had a quick chat and then said there goodbyes, on his way out Harry said, “O thank Kate again for me for the other day.” William was confused, “what are you talking about?” Harry answered, “O she came over and took care of me when I was sick last week, she is a really good nurse.” William had a smile on his face and nodded his head “yes Harry, she is a very good nurse.” William was proud of Kate for helping Harry.

Chapter 13

The summer had came and went and a week in September had already gone by. William was busy with training and planning his next step towards a real job and a normal life. He new that he wanted to have privacy with Kate but also to be safe. Kate was given even more responsibility at work since her parents had decided to do some traveling that fall. She had moved a lot of her stuff back home since she would be spending so much time their.

Kate was leaving work and her phone rang, she saw it was Will. Kate started to drive home back to her parents house and continued to talk to William on the phone. As she got to the house and opened the door she realized that the door was unlocked, had she forgotten to lock it this morning. She stepped back and realized there were cars in the driveway, they weren’t her parents or Pippa’s or James’. She said “Will, I think somebody is in the house….” William replied, “I know come in.” Kate remembered were she had seen the cars before, it was the security officers. Kate walked in the house set her stuff down and could smell something cooking in the kitchen. As she headed towards the kitchen she noticed the table was set for two, candles lit and flowers.

William looked up from cooking and saw Kate with a huge smile on her face. Kate walked over to him slowly and said, “William are you trying to impress me again with your cooking?” William giggled and said, “actually no, I wanted to surprise you since we haven’t been able to spend to much time alone lately.” “Then I realized that after work you would probably be hungry, so I was going to take you out, but then realized that we wouldn’t be really alone, then I thought about take out, but there is not many choices and I didn’t really feel like it, so I stopped and got a few things.” Kate put her hand on William’s back and realized he was rambling and was trying to tell her something, “William what’s up?” William stopped cooking and looked at Kate and put his arms around her and said, “Nothing, I came over to see my beautiful girlfriend and spend some quality time with her.” Kate simply replied, “William?” William plated the food and said, “lets eat I am hungry.” “I do have something to talk to you about, my father called this morning and asked if we could come and visit him while on holiday.” Kate said, “Wills, this just isn’t a good time with my parents gone, I just can’t leave.” William said, “yes, I know, but my father said we can come anytime, even if its just for a short time. He wants you to be around the family so they can get to know you better. William took a bite of food and said, “and I want you to get to know them better as well.”

Kate went and got her phone and looked at her schedule for the week and said, “William I am really busy this week, and I have to work Saturday morning as well.” “I have nothing going on Saturday afternoon and Sunday.” William said, “good so will you come?” He was almost begging. Kate said, “Yes, I will, so who is all going to be there?” William replied, “Dad, Camilla, grandma, grandpa, Harry, Bea, Gene, Andrew, Edward, Sophie, Louise, Anne, Tim, Zara, Peter and Aut, and maybe a few others not sure…”

They finished up dinner and did the dishes, William asked if she wanted to watch a movie or just TV. Kate said, “It’s getting late don’t you have to get back to the base?” William smiled and said, “no, I got an overnight pass, because we don’t have PT in the morning.” William was already on the couch flipping thru the channels, he stopped at one of their favorite shows, but realized it was a rerun. Kate leaned over to William and kissed him on cheek and then down his neck, putting her hand in between his shirt buttons. Kate said, “that’s OK, I don’t think I want to watch much TV.” William put down the remote and put his hands on Kate.

William woke up in Kate’s bed and stared at her, he could look at her forever. Kate’s alarm went off and she reached over to turn it off without even opening her eyes. William giggled and said, “did you forget I was here?” Kate said with a smile, “No, I didn’t forget, what time do you have to leave?” William replied, “I have about an hour, are you trying to get rid of me or something?” Kate pulled him for a kiss and a hug and said, “no I am just wondering if we have time for a shower…” William jumped out of bed and started to the bathroom with Kate in hand.

As they finished getting ready William was starring again at Kate and thought, this feels good, this feels right, this is what I want, this is normal. William never thought that having a quite evening in cooking dinner, doing dished, talking, flirting, and making out on the couch, sleeping side by side and getting ready in the morning to go to work would feel so good, so real, so amazing. His heart was filled with joy and so much love. William and Kate said their good byes with a hug and kiss and said, “have a good day at work.”

Chapter 14

Kate had spent a lot of time that fall with William and his family. He got to know them much better and even attended a few public outings with William and Harry. William was wondering what to get Kate for Christmas and for lack of ideas he asked Kate what she wanted. Kate responded by saying that all she wanted was to spend sometime with him at some point over the holidays. Kate asked him the same question and he jokingly said, a helicopter.

On his way back to the base he knew of the perfect gift for Kate, but he would have to do a lot of planning and only had about 2 weeks left till Christmas. William did research if Kate would like it and agree to it. On the other side Kate was obviously not getting William a helicopter, but it did give her a great idea for a gift.

William was about to leave base and head to the countryside to spend the holidays with his family and he realized he didn’t have a pair of dress shoes with him, all he had was sneakers and his military issue boots. He decided to stop by in London to pick them up himself plus he might also get a chance to meet up with Kate before she left. William got his shoes and headed to Kate’s flat, he wanted to make sure she was there and gave her a quick text. After a few minutes he had confirmed she was still at her flat and she had no idea that he was in town. As William headed by a store he got another idea and pulled over quickly and ran in the store to make a quick purchase. He was beaming with a huge smile with anticipating the reaction he was going to see on her face.

Kate was just finishing up some wrapping before she headed out to spend the holidays with her family. She heard a knock on the door and wondered who it was since most of her friends had left to spend the holidays with their families. She peeked to see who it was and she opened the door and said, what are you doing here, I thought you were headed to Sand…. He had pulled her close and gave her a passionate kiss before she could finish. He pulled apart and said, “I wanted to give you part of your present now.” William looked down at his chest and so did Kate, she didn’t notice it at first. Kate saw a big bow on William’s chest, he pulled her close again and started to kiss her and put his hands under her shirt. Kate giggled and pulled slightly apart from William and took the bow off his chest and said, “I think you put the bow in the wrong place” She placed just below his belt and said, “it should go here.” They both laughed and shared a passionate kiss.

Christmas was over and William was pacing as he had planned to meet Kate at the base and head to a quiet town in the middle of no where to show her the best present he had gotten her yet. Kate pulled up and William greeted her with a hug and quick kiss, he threw his bag in the car and said, “I’ll drive.” Kate got in the passenger side and was wondering where they were going so she asked, “so where are we going again?” William laughed as he knew how clever Kate could be in trying to find something out. William replied, “it’s a surprise and by the was I never told you.” As they drove they caught up with stories of what when on over Christmas.

Kate noticed they were out in the country and in Anglessey. William turned down a long drive and when he stopped the car, they got out and walked around a bit. They headed inside and William realized he didn’t know how to start the conversation or ask her. He started to ramble about the house from what the realator had told him. Kate opened the frig and noticed that it had all of there favorite foods in it. William had finally stopped rambling about the house and Kate said, “Wills this is perfect, how long are we staying here again?” William smiled and walked towards her and said, “well for right know just two nights, but after I graduate next month, I am going to be transferred here to the RAF Valley in Anglessey.” Kate replied, “Wow, that’s great, but don’t you have to live on base or something.” William replied, “well I could if I wanted to but this is just a 9 month training before I get my operational training assignment but I was thinking about doing it out here since its so isolated and quiet.” “But I want to make sure you would like it out here first, and I know that you like London, but we wouldn’t be here all the time, I will have days off and we can be back in London on those days, and you could work from here just as you do from London. You would have to travel a bit more and….” Kate interrupted and said, “Wills what are you trying to say your jumping all over the place.” William sighed and smiled and said, “Kate Middleton I would love it if you moved out here and live with me in this house….Please.” Kate was starting to smile and said, “William Wales I would love to live with you.”

Kate woke up and found herself in William arms, she slipped out of his grip and went downstairs and made some dinner for her and Wills. She was starving and as the aroma of food made its way upstairs it woke William up. He came downstairs to see Kate in the kitchen cooking. William walked over and asked “did you cook enough for me too, or are you going to make me cook my own?” Kate giggled and said, “yes, I made enough, I was hungry weren’t you?” William said, “yes I was.” Kate got back up just as they sat down to eat. She came back with two presents, and she said, “open this one first.” William looked at the presents and said, “my gift this year is living together again.” Kate smiled and gave him a quick kiss. Kate said again, “come on open this one.” William opened the first package and saw what it was, he had a huge smile on his face. Kate said, “you wanted a helicopter.” William said, “Kate this is amazing I saw this on TV, these things are really cool, but I think it has to charge first.”

After about an hour or so of playing with the toy, William realized he had one more present from Kate. He started to open it, and he noticed it was her diary. William looked up and said, “um do you want me to read this, are you sure, cause this is big, are you sure.” Kate said persistently, “yes, Wills I am sure, I would not have given it to you if I didn’t want you to read it, its just from the past year, I think if this is going to work we have to be completely honest about everything.” Kate started to clean up and do the dishes, William brought the book over and started to read it out loud while he dried and put the dishes away. The first few entries made him laugh, then he read one were Kate wrote about the papps and missing Wills. William leaned over and said, “I miss you too.”

After two days of peace and quiet and getting to know the town a little bit, he was time to head back to London. William said, “I think we should stop by your parents and let them know about us living together.” Kate put her hand to her mouth, and William looked confused and said, “what, what’s wrong.” Kate said, “um, my parents might not like this idea.” “I mean, they like you in all but, I am not sure they realize how serious this is.” William laughed and said, “don’t worry about it, it will be fine.” Kate said, “really how do you know that?” William said, “I just do trust me, relax.” Kate replied, “are you going to tell your father?” William said, “actually he already knows it was he who helped me find the house.” “Kate look at me are you happy about this.” Kate replied without hesitation, “yes, I am.” William said, “then your parents will be happy for you as well because that’s what a family does.”

Chapter 15

Kate was packing up the last of her things that she would need for her over night stay with William. Over the past month they had come up with a schedule between both their work schedules and everything else going on in their lives. Kate would stay with her parents during the week and split time between Angelsy and London on the weekends. She new she could work from home still so it didn’t matter were that was as long as she had a computer. As she pulled up to the house she saw that William was not home yet. She walked in and found a bare and smelly house. William had been there two weeks already off and on and by the looks of the place he had been busy. As she scanned the house to see were the awful smell was coming from she found two culprits, dirty sweaty laundry and the garbage. Kate put a load of laundry in and tidy up the rest, she took the garbage out and put a fresh bag in. She looked in the frig and found a six pack of beer, a carton of milk, jam, peanut butter, bread and leftover pizza. She decided to run to the grocery store to get some supplies and something for dinner.

Kate entered the store and got a ton of supplies, keeping in mind William’s cooking capabilities and busy training schedule. She bought of few candles and cleaning supplies to tidy up the house a bit. As she got home she continued to do laundry, cook some dinner and dessert. William was driving home and a smile crept over his face as he realized that today when he got home Kate would be there. William stepped out of the car and headed in the house. He opened the door to a wonderful aroma of food and burning candles. He looked around and didn’t find Kate, so he called out jokingly “O Mrs. Wales, I’m home.” Kate came down the stairs and in a stern voice said, “follow me Mr. Wales.” William was thinking he was going to get lucky so he bounded up the stairs like a little kid ready to eat cake. However, when he got up stairs she was not in the bedroom, but the bathroom, so he thought shower or tub. William took a peek in with a smile on his face, but when he saw Kate’s face and her hand on her hip he knew she was not thinking what he was. William’s face went from a smirk to concern and was not sure what was wrong or what to say, but he knew she was not happy.

Kate broke the ice first, “Ok, mister come here for your first lesson, she holds up a box of cheerios and takes a few out and puts them in the toilet and says please aim for the center of the cheerios, since you have such trouble hitting the inside of the toilet.” William looked at her and wasn’t sure if she was joking or serious but he decided to just be compliant and say “OK, I think I got it.” He leaned into kiss her and she ignored him and said, “follow me.” William followed her back to the bedroom and pointed to the dresser and said “this is a dresser and is used for clean laundry when your not wearing it, use it by putting the clothes in it, not on top of it as a decoration.” William opened a drawer and noticed she put all of the clothes that had collected on top of his dresser the past two weeks found there way back into the drawers and the dirty ones were clean and put away. Kate checked for understanding as if she was talking to a child, “got it?” William shook his head while still looking at the dresser afraid to make eye contact with her and said, “got it.”

Kate headed out of the bedroom and said, “keep up Wales, lesson 3 is down stairs.” William was starting to wonder what else she had in store for him. Kate headed into the hallway and opened up the closet were the vaccum cleaner was, she pulled it out and said, “if you drop it pick it up, if you spill it wipe it up, if its dirty vaccum it up.” William puts two thumbs up, and says “OK.” William started to speak and Kate cut him off and said, “we are not even close to being done, lesson 4.” “This is a hamper dirty, sweaty, smelly clothes go in here and when it full or smells horrible wash them.” William new the clothes smelled and he should of done them but he was busy, and nodded his head yes, and said, “yea, I know how to do laundry, I had a good teacher once before.” William smiled and started to put his hands toward Kate. Kate tried to hide a smirk because she knew he was talking about her. She pushed his hands away and said, “lesson 5 is dishes.” William interrupted and said, “know wait I did do the dishes.” Kate tried not to smile and said, “yes, I notice however look at this knife.” William looked at it and saw a crud of old jam left on it. William debated, “come on I tried don’t I got some points for that.” He had his puppy dog eyes out and dying to touch Kate and kiss her lips. Kate gave a sarcastic giggle and said, “lesson 6, these are garbage bags when they are full, pick them up and take them outside and put a new one in.” William was getting frustrated and said, “did I do anything right?” Kate said, “yea, apparently you made it to level 7 of your new video game.” William said, “yea, I know, you didn’t unpause it did you?” William ran over to the TV to turn it on and noticed it wasn’t. He sighed and said, “thank god.”

Kate headed up stairs and William questioned her “wait were are you going?” Kate replied without even turning around, “I am tired and going to bed.” William wasn’t sure what to do but he still smelled dinner, so he fixed a plate and ate, he cleaned up after himself and headed to bed. He layed down next to Kate who was sleeping, he didn’t want to disturb her. He thought that night about how Kate must of felt about walking into the house the way it was, and he was starting to feel guilty. This was not the way he pictured it.

Morning came and William rolled over to talk to Kate but she was gone, he looked all over the house and then found a note that she went for a run. William looked at his watch he had to get to work. He was hoping that she got back before he had to leave, but she wasn’t. So he wrote her a quick note, saying he had to get to work and to call him when she got to her parents. Kate called when she got to her parents and told him that she got there save but had to get going because she had a meeting. William said before she hung up, “see you next weekend.” Kate replied, “yep, bye.” William new by her shortness she was still upset.

William worked all week and thought about what Kate had said, she never raised her voice, she never joked, she was calm and firm about what she wanted to get across. Every night William went home and looked around the house. He noticed the candles that Kate bought, the frig was stocked and so was the cupboards. She made a few meals for him to eat during the week for when she wasn’t there. He knew that she loved him but she got frustrated with how William could sometimes be such a child about some things. He knew that he needed her and how she must of felt like a housemaid. That was not his intentions at all, he just wanted to live with his girlfriend. He wasn’t sure how to make it up to her but he knew he had to do something.

Kate was driving and hoping that the house was not in the same shape it was last week, she was also wondering if she was too hard on Will, he is just a guy and he always had things done for him. She got out of the car and took a deep breath. She walked in a found a complete 180 from last week. She headed over to the table with a note, it was from Will. It read, Kate, I am sorry about last weekend. It was my fault. I love you… Please follow the arrows. Don’t worry I will pick them up later. Love Wills. Kate laughed and followed the arrows.

The first set lead upstairs to the bathroom, another note which read, “lesson 1, put toilet seat down after your done.” She also noticed that on the back of the toilet he wrote out “I heart u” in cheerios. She had a tear running down her cheek. She followed to another note in the bedroom, it was on the dresser and it read, “lesson 2, I emptied out some drawer so you could put some clothes in as well, you should be living out of a bag.” Kate was really feeling bad about how she was last weekend. Kate followed another set of arrows back downstairs. “Lesson 3, don’t put red shirts in with white shirts because you get pink shirts.” She followed the arrows again, “Lesson 4, Eating food with nutritional value should not be underestimated.” “Thank you so much for the food.” She followed the signs again, “Lesson 5, Rinse dishes after using them because they are easier to clean.” She followed another sign, “Lesson 6, Making it to level 7 isn’t as important as making someone you love happy or feel loved.”

William opened the door and he knew Kate was there. He walked in and found Kate sitting on the sofa. He wasn’t sure how she was going to react to his gesture. He took off his shoes and hung up his coat, and put his dirty clothes in the hamper. He walked over to the sofa to find Kate sleeping with all of the notes he wrote her in her hand. He let her sleep and covered her up with a blanket. He went into the kitchen and warmed up one of the dinners Kate had made and put in the freezer the week before. William made a few calls to catch up on his charities. Kate woke up and heard William’s voice, she headed to the kitchen and William smiled and said, “did you get my notes.” Kate smiled and shook her head yes. William said, “are you still upset or are you going to forgive me.” Kate replied, “no, I am not upset with you anymore, I do forgive you, can you forgive me? I wasn’t very nice to you last weekend, and I am sorry, I just got so frustrated.” William took Kate’s hand and pulled her onto his lap, you have nothing to be sorry for, I was busy and totally neglected the house, that wasn’t how I planned it, plus I actually like the fact that you call me out on things like this, it keeps me grounded.” Kate looked into his eyes and saw love, she leaned in and kissed him. William moaned and said, “I missed you.” Kate replied, “I missed you too.” William kissed her and put his hands on Kate’s back and pulled her closer. Kate broke from the kiss and said, “do you want to go make up?” William picked Kate up and carried her to the stairs, he turned around and went back into the kitchen and Kate asked, “where are you going?” William said, “turn the oven off, I already burnt one thing this week.” Kate laughed and William joined in. Make up sex if great, enough said.

Chapter 16

It had been almost a month of living together and a lot of the kinks had been worked out about the living arrangements. William and Kate had their schedules on the side of the fridge. They always new were each other were or going to be, if something came up they updated it themselves. On February Kate noticed that William had to work on Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t a big deal, it was just another day, they could do something another day. Kate got up one day and looked at the calendar, she noticed William had put something new on Feb. 15th, it read, “Hot date with Handsome Prince.” Kate giggled.

William came downstairs sat at the table and started to eat breakfast with Kate. William new that Kate looked at the calendar every morning but, he wanted to make sure she saw his note so he asked, “anything new going on in the next week?” Kate smiled and said “yes, actually I have a hot date with a handsome prince later this week…. William was trying not to smile and nodded his head. Kate continued with “I will have to call Harry later to see where we are going and what time.” William laughed out loud and said, “sorry to disappoint you but, I think Harry is busy, but I’m free, unless your holding out for a better offer.” Kate smiled at their banter with each other and said, “well that depends what are you plans and intentions Mr. Wales?” William said with a straight face, “I was thinking dinner at the old pub, then a movie in because my intentions later are not going to be gentleman like.” Kate coughed a little with a bit of a chuckle and said, “wow, aren’t we quite confident this morning.” William replied quickly and with a smile, “I aim high, that’s how I got you right?” Kate smiled and said, “aww” “I would love to be your date.” She reached out and touched his leg, for two reasons, one the bantering of flirting was over and she wanted to steal a kiss. William leaned in and gave her a soft kiss and then another. William wanted to get one last gab in so he said, “make sure you let Harry down easy.”

William and Kate headed back to the apartment to watch a movie, William gave Kate two choices, “ You, Me, and Harry.” And “I know pronounce you William and Harry.” Kate laughed and said, “that is so not the names of the movies.” William replied, “yes it is look at the covers.” Kate looked as he put paper over the real title with his version. Kate wasn’t in the mood to banter, so she said, “OK, fine You, me and … Harry.” The movie was funny and put both of them in more of a flirty mood, but William had other plan after the movie. Kate leaned over after the movie and said, “thank you for the dinner and movie, it was perfect.” She leaned over and gave him a soft kiss, hoping for more, but William was being a perfect gentlemen.

William said, “I have something else for you wait here.” Kate replied quickly, “William, I thought we weren’t going to do gift, just a date?” William handed her a bag, and said, “I know, but its just something for the both of us.” Kate pulled out a book and read the title, “Marriage for dummies.” William started to explain the gift with such excitement Kate couldn’t say a word. “look its got all these questions about what to discuss before you get married, and concerns, and making decisions. Plus stuff for after marriage too. I am not saying we are dummies, but its got a lot of things we still need to talk about in here.” Kate opened the book to the first page and started to read it “When it comes to marriage, I suppose we are all dummies….” William took the book and said, “Ok, lets get to the good stuff.” Kate smiled on how excited and eager he was to talk about marriage. They read the book and talked about different topics that came up. It was going really well. Finally Kate couldn’t take anymore and said “William, I really think this is a good idea, and I am so happy you want to do this but, can we read some more later….” William new exactly what she was thinking and he closed the book and said, “absolutely.” He picked her up and thru her over his shoulder and headed into his bedroom. Kate said, “William I don’t think carrying me fireman style is in the book.” William laughed and said, “what I am about to do isn’t in that book either.” Kate replied, “William!!!” She slapped his ass and said, “Naughty Prince.” William said, “you got that right baby.”

Chapter 17

I have not written in a very long time.  I am sure its not very good but I wanted to continue this as I left it unfinished.  Hope someone enjoys.  I am not the best writer.

William was getting ready to make a trip to Africa with his brother for a charity that their mother had started years ago. There were many reasons why he loved going to Africa and this time was no different than any other time. He loved the pure beauty of the land, the wildness of the animals, and of course he loved the fact that no one knew who he was. William was truly just another visitor to a foreign land taking in the sites. He was passionate about protecting Africa and what it was all about.

As William packed, his phone beeped. It was a text from Kate, “Just getting into London…dinner?” William didn’t even hesitate he knew she meant do you want me to pick up some take out or stop at the grocery store. He knew what she wanted to do tonight, stay in, talk, maybe watch a movie….It was always the same when he went on trips…..time alone together. Its what Kate needed and even though William didn’t like to admit to it he needed it too. After William sent his text, he called Jaime to make sure everything was all set for the trip and some last minute questions.

Kate checked her phone and saw William’s reply “Chinese food # 12 and #7 meal, and #2 lo mein please….Red or White?” Kate laughed as she shut off the parked car and ran into the restaurant. She thought to her self, he will never change. He has been so excited and nervous about this trip that he forgot to eat. Kate pulled up to park and gathered her bag and the food and headed into the apartment. As she headed down the last hallway she saw William’s father coming towards her headed into the apartment as well. He stopped and waited for her. Kate smiled as she was more at ease with him than ever before almost laughing to how silly it was to be nervous when they first met. Charles said “I see you brought William dinner, what ever will he do without you?” Kate replied “ He would probably go hungry.” Charles replied before she could even finish “Let’s hope we never have to find out.” Suddenly the door opened and William said, “well are you two going to chat out here all night or come in.” They walked in and Kate retorted “He also gets moody when he doesn’t eat.”

Charles knew that they wanted to be alone but he just wanted to say fair well to his sons’ before they left. Harry came out of his room when he heard the sound of his father’s voice. Charles said “good you are both here.” Harry gave a smile and said, “of course I am here Kate brought food, she is a God sent.” They all laughed cause it was kinda true, he came out for the food not his father. Charles continued shaking his head “ I just wanted to wish both of you a good trip and good luck, your mother really loved helping people and she was very good at it. I hope the two of you keep carrying out what she would have wanted.” William and Harry looked at each other and shook their heads in agreement. Harry and William thanked there father and bid him fair well.

Kate went to the kitchen and got out some forks for the food and brought them to the table. William got the wine and the glasses. Harry knew that they wanted to be alone so he grabbed the food and left the money on the table. Kate saw this and said, “wait Harry where are you going, your not eating that in your bedroom are you?” Harry said, “Thanks but I think I will leave you two love birds alone.” Kate said quickly “No, don’t be silly, William grab 3 glasses.” Harry sat at the table a bit reluctantly but after a few minutes they were all talking and laughing. After they finished dinner William and Harry did the dishes quickly. William gave Harry a look and a nudge that said it all, OK dinner was great but get lost I want to be alone with my girl. Harry thanked Kate for the food and said goodnight as well.

William headed into the bedroom to finish up packing quickly since he left his room a mess from before dinner. Kate entered the room and giggled to see William hurrying to finish packing and attempting to clean up his room. She asked if there was anything he needed help with and William replied “yes you can tuck me in when I am done packing.” Kate smiled and went over to her bag and changed out of her clothes into something more comfy. William didn’t pack much longer then he hoped into bed with Kate and cuddled up next to her and said eagerly “OK, I am ready for my tucking honey.” Kate rolled over and leaned in like she was going to kiss him but all she did was tuck the sheet and blanket under him just like he asked for earlier, even though she knew that was not exactly what he meant. Kate loved to tease William every chance she got. William gave a smirk and fought her tucking and started to tickle her. They wrestled for a bit and William found himself on top of Kate pinning her arms up over her head. Kate had her legs wrapped around William’s waist. He loved how playful their relationship had become it was anything but a bore. He leaned down to kiss her and they both loosened up on their grips to concentrate on other matters.

Later, as he laid there holding Kate he realized he loved her for her pure beauty, wildness and the fact that she never treated him like a prince. This was something that he wanted and had been craving all of his life. He never thought it would happen and know that it has he knew he had to protect that.

the entire shrek script is going to be my first post in 2021

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.

The Entire Script of Shrek ‘cause why not

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.

Alan’s Crossdressing & Laughing Stock

Dear @aurorashenanigans,

First of all, thank you for your interesting prompt and your permission to use a screenshot of your comment.

Your question is very worthy of discussion in my opinion, because in theatre, even with the exact same script, one could still be watching an entirely different show if an actor has a different interpretation, and manages to express their interpretation.

This ⇊ post is an expansion to this post wherein I discussed the strikingly transphobic script and performance in ‘The Most Beautiful Death in the World’ (MBD).

Note: Please do read the post I referred to beforehand for a better and more complete understanding of this post, though this post will also contain a lot of overlapping information. If you are only interested in the conclusion of this post, please scroll all the way down to the 4th header ‘4. In Conclusion’.

So, let us unpack the differences between the scenes of MBD 2010 and 2013 wherein the characters prepare for the crossdressing-infiltration.

1. Premise of the Plot

The mystery around which the plot of the musical is based has its setting in the Crystal Palace where a masquerade is held which only permits the attendance of adult men - if - one is accompanied by a woman.

With most of the main characters being male, the key to solving this problem became ‘crossdressing’.

Grell in this musical was given the role as ‘a professional at crossdressing’ by making her criticise Ciel’s crossdresssing, which was given some weight (more or less) by making her use jargon such as ‘Clothes Language’. Herewith, the scriptwrights put Grell’s transgender identity on the same level as simple ‘crossdressing’.

2. Comparing Performances - 2010

In the 2010 of MBD, Alan makes his entrance in crossdress, starting with a traditionally feminine performative which is met with a roar of laughter from the audience. Only after having ‘successfully’ induced laughter from the audience, he drops the femininity and assumes a more neutral performative. Alan speaks the following line with a neutral voice:

皆さん、準備は整いましたね　行きましょう！

Mina-san, junbi wa totonoimashita ne, ikimashou!

Everyone, all the preparations are ready right? Let us go!

Grell is absolutely enraged, and challenges Alan as follows:

“なんでアンタまで女装する必要あるのヨ?”

“Nande anta made josou suru hitsuyou aru no yo?”

“Why do even you need to cross-dress as a woman?”

By saying this, Grell sends two messages: 1. that Alan does not acknowledge her femaleness as sufficient to get Alan through the security’s screening, and 2. herewith the script equates Grell’s dress to Alan’s crossdress.

Then, Alan explains why he resorted to crossdressing and speaks the following line with a deeper voice:

“俺  エリックと話さなければ　そのためなら… どんな屈辱でも甘んじてうけてみせる！”

“Ore, Eric to hanasanakereba. Sono tame nara… donna kutsujoku demo amanjite ukete miseru!”

“I need to speak to Eric. For that sake… I will resign myself to any humiliation!”

Instead of just walking down the stairs, Alan jumps down in an incredibly unrefined and masculine manner. However, is is entirely unnecessary to jump because the stairs connect to the ground normally. As such, it is safe to assume that Alan is trying to “compensate” for his crossdress with more pronounced masculinity. This is further confirmed by the line “resign myself to any humiliation”, which makes it explicit that Alan considers wearing a dress something a man should be ashamed of.

3. Comparing Performances - 2013

This script for the same scene in the rerun of BMD remains mostly unchanged. Just like in 2010, Alan enters the scene in crossdress. Unlike the previous however, 2013Alan speaks the line “everyone, all the preparations are ready right? Let us go!” in a high pitched voice. Instead of a slightly raised pitch however, he uses the type of exaggerated high pitch men conventionally use to mock women. Not unlike in 2010, Alan’s feminine performative is welcomed by a wave of laughter from the audience. This performative is so ‘funny’, that even Sebastian - who according to canon doesn’t give a damn about human gender norms - finds it hard to suppress the urge to laugh. Really, Sebastian, really?

After Crossdress!Alan’s introduction, both Grell and Alan are given a new line in the 2013 version before the scene proceeds like before.

Upon seeing Alan’s dress, Grell challenges as follows:

ちょっとアンタ！何を、それ！？

Chotto anta! Nani wo, sore!?

Hey you! What (the hell) is this about!?

“One roar of laughter at men in dresses was not enough, let’s get an encore!” thought however came up with the following line:

Alan:

巻いたほうがよかったかしらっ？

Maita hou ga yokatta kashira?

Should I have curled my hair instead?

Grell: “No! Why do even you need to cross-dress as a woman?” 

Then, instead of jumping down the stairs, Alan walks down normally, but strikes a dominant stance wherein he shows off his triangular MANLY chest and muscular arms. Not unlike 2010!Alan, 2013!Alan also feels the need to ‘compensate’ for the dress as he speaks the line “I will resign myself to any humiliation!”

In both versions of the musical, Grell responds with the following line:

“だからそんな屈辱受ける必要ないわよ!”

“Dakara sonna kutsujoku ukeru hitsuyou nai wa yo!”

“But there is no need for you to endure that humiliation!”

Using Grell’s reply the script reconfirms that what Alan said is right. By making Grell echo Alan’s opinion, the script effectively makes her agree that ‘a man wearing a dress is indeed a humiliation’.

After some petty-fighting, Sebastian decides to put an end to this fight, and says:

Sebastian: “まぁ女性は何人いても良いでしょう。それに　グレルさんよりもお似合いですし。”

“Maa, josei wa nannin ite mo ii deshou. Sore ni, Grell-san yori mo oniai desu shi.”

“Well, it does not matter how many women there are. And moreover, [the crossdressing] suits [Alan] better than Grell-san.”

Here, Sebastian acknowledges how there is no such thing as ‘too many women’. Herewith, he effectively confirms how a man can be turned into a woman using a mere dress. By having Sebastian say: “the crossdressing SUITS Alan better”, Sebastian invalidates Grell’s gender identity by reducing her to ‘a lesser crossdresser’ than Alan.

4. In conclusion

In conclusion, in both versions of BDM, Grell’s dress as well as EVERYONE’s crossdress is a joke and a source of ‘humiliation’, and EVERYONE’s crossdress except maybe Ciel’s is a laughing stock.

Alan‘s crossdress is, as extensively explained above ⇈, the script’s tool to shame ‘men’ in dresses, and delegitimise transgender identity. Alan’s character is normally rather neutral and certainly does not ooze with toxic masculinity. The moment he put on a dress however, he plays his masculinity up, as though to assure both the audience and himself that his ‘precious male identity’ is unharmed, despiiittee wearing a dress that’s not for men!

Likewise, Aberline and Hanks are established comic reliefs in the Kuromyu universe, so it is not hard to see how their crossdressing is also the laughing stock of the show. The moment they are crossdressed, the jokes they make suddenly all surround their failure to ‘pass as women’. Just like Alan, they are “proper men whose masculinity remains unthreatened.”

Only Ciel’s dress does not seem to be something that the writers wrote as a active shaming-tool. Ciel is still a child, and unlike adult men’s masculinity, a boy’s masculinity does not need to be protected at all cost. As boys are ‘lesser men’ or ‘not men yet’ anyway, gender-nonconforming behaviour by them are not considered a threat to society’s gendered order, and do not need to be punished immediately. However, I could still argue the pink dress to be a laughing-stock, albeit a smaller one. While the audience is still supposed to find Ciel in a dress funny, this joke is supposed to appeal to a sense of endearment, and maybe even from a type of pity because Ciel obviously hates wearing the dress.

Finally, we can conclude that even though 2010!Alan is slightly less demeaning towards transgender women and men in dresses, his small-dick-energy/fragile masculinity is still very obvious.

Soooo,

🥇 The gold medal goes to 2013!Alan for being 1. transphobic, 2. demeaning towards women, 3. playing the cross-dress-joke up to 11, and 4, not even having bothered trying to be respectful about it!

🥈 The silver medal goes to 2010!Alan for first making us think that despite being a bit transphobic, you were somewhat respectful towards men in dresses... and only THEN backstabbing us.

🥉 The bronze medal goes to Sebastian for being complacent in reinforcing transphobia and laughing at men in dresses, even though you really should know better after 3000+ years history of laughing at humans and their ridiculous social standards.

🎖️🎖️Aberline and Hanks get honourary mentions for their participation in the Small-Dick-Energy Cup🏆.

5. Epilogue

I am very aware that this musical is very dear to many people. But I beg you. Please do not wilfully unsee the problematic aspects just because you like something. One can like the musical for what it is, namely a show with flaws that some people enjoy.

Liking a problematic thing does not automatically make you look bad, justifying the problematic aspects does!

[TRANSLATION] NYLON Korea Magazine November 2015 issue x GOT7 JB

You mentioned you used to be a rebel?

JB: From before I was a trainee, I liked dancing. I wanted to be a dancer and I wanted to be a b-boy. With the advice of people around me, I went for the audition without much consideration and managed to get through, and, by luck, got first place. I lived through practicing and rather than being thankful, I was stubborn in not wanting to be a dance-type performance singer. I also skipped lost of vocal lessons. (Laughs) And then, I listened to some music and suddenly wanted to become good at singing. I looked at myself and realized that I lacked in so many areas. From then on, I stopped dancing and focused on practicing my singing.

What music was it?

JB: It was D’Angelo’s Brown Sugar. It was the type of music that really stood out to me and to be that goos at singing (referring to D’Angelo) was something I though to be impossible from the beginning. I wanted to have a voice that’s “sticky” and seductive like that.

Is that why you became less rebellious?

JB: My personality is not the type that doesn’t listen to other people’s opinions or thoughts. If there is something I want, I’m the type to become stubborn. Now, I’ve really cut down on just doing whatever I want. Up until I was a high school students, I was really irresponsible. Even though I’m not a grown-up yet, at I turned twenty and became and adult (legally, in this context), I feel a strong need to become more responsible. So I try and be careful with my words and actions. At our company, if there is clashing opinions, I don’t just say “I am definitely no doing that,” but I share my opinion in a civil manner.

Do you get “autumn fever”? (Asking if he’s affected in any way by autumn)

JB: I used to think that I don’t, but then when the seasons change from summer to autumn, and then from autumn to winter, I feel that I’m sensitive to the dropping temperatures of the air. I get distracted, and I also think more. [Because] that kind of air is something that always comes around once a year. As I take in that air, I think about the things that happened the previous year during the same season. There are times hone I feel a sense of longing, or sometimes I will reflect. Just because it’s autumn doesn’t mean that I feel lonely.

Then, are you the type that eats well? Or the type that likes to read?

JB: Not just because it’s autumn now, but I like both (eating and reading). I like Korean food and going around searching for good Korean restaurants. As for books… I like crime fiction and self-development/inspirational books. I find profound ones so-so.

So do you find self-development/inspirational books helpful?

JB: Honestly, I don’t find them to be very helpful. (Laughs) Even though you can’t become someone notable/famous just by reading books, after I read them, it becomes like a trigger for me to look back on what I’ve done.

It hasn’t been long since Just Right was released and now you guys are back with Mad.

JB: We started preparing when Just Right promotions were about to end. We recorded and practiced our choreography simultaneously. The concepts for Just Right was very clearly defined, and the concept for If You Do is also very clearly defined, so we really wanted to quickly show a completely different image.

Do you enjoy being busy?

JB: Its not good to rest too much, It’s not about being anxious when we’re resting (i.e. not doing anything), but that if we rest too much, we let go of our thoughts. After resting, we need that driving force to trigger us to move. That’s why we have to properly adjust ourselves.

What’s something that makes you “move”? (i.e. inspires him, keeps him moving forward, etc.)

JB: Even though this is something obvious, it’s the wish for many people to listen to and like our music. Even though it’s important that people like our music, how much I am able to properly show is important as well.

What do you do when you rest?

JB: When I have time on my hands, I practice my singing and write songs in my work space. Sometimes I go to the Han River and enjoy the wind or sometimes I go to a cafe to meet a certain hyung who, music-wise, matches well with me and we just listen to music and chit-chat. That’s all.

When is the time for you to just go out and play as much as you want?

JB: In front of our dorm, there are lots of famous clubs. When I see the people who gather in from of the clubs on Fridays, there are times when I too want to go out and play/enjoy myself. However… I’m not too sure. The same goes for playing… it seems we need to have various experiences so as to not have any regrets, but right now for me, making music and signing is more enjoyable, and I’m more comfortable with it.

Ah yes, congratulations. You guys won first place for the first time, right?

JB: We were really so happy. I though that I would shed tears if we won first place. Even though winning first place isn’t important, it’s not something we can excluded from our desire for results. I thought that the feeling we’ll get when we won would be like compensation for all the hard work we’ve put in so far. However, at that moment we were so shocked, the only thing we could do was say thank you. I spent [the] entire day (he means the night they won) on cloud nine, but then when I opened my eyes the next morning, I ate to the realization. From now on we have to work even harder.

[Translator note: When he said “I thought that the feeling we’ll get when we won would be like compensation for that the hard work we’ve put tin so far, it sounds a little underwhelming, but no. He means that he thought they would be overcome with so much emotion that amounts to how much they’ve worked thus far, but in the end they were just shocked and in some much disbelief that they couldn’t really feel much.]

Did you guys have a party?

JB: As we had a schedule the next day, we immediately went back to our dorm and slept. The members and myself. We were in such disbelief that we had blank expressions on our faces as we sat in the car on the way home. (Laughs) [Because] we are still in the midst of promotions, we said we’ll complete it (promotions) and then have the party after that.

Is it going to be very elaborate and grand?

JB: The party? Actually, when we say we’re having a party, we just go to the meat restaurant to grilled eat meat. (Laughs) I don’r know much about playing, so I’m not sure what there is for us to do. Something like getting a hotel room and having fun with the members? We will probably go eat meat and then go to the Han River to enjoy the breeze (in the end).

Just Right [has a] cute image. If You Do [has a] manly image. Which one are you more similar to?

JB: If my face is expressionless, I appear extremely fierce. Then when I smile, I appear gentle, It’s hard for me to be cute. I find it hard to adjust myself as I’m not sure how far I should go (how cute he should try to be). When I want to appear cite, I have to let go of myself (pride/ego). (Laughs) Anyway, I’m more comfortable being expressionless.

When you are Lim Jaebeom and when you are JB… is there a clear division?

JB: I am only JB on stage. Even after getting my makeup done and putting on my stage outfits, I am Im Jaebum right up to the moment I go up on stage. Besides the time I’m on stage signing and dancing, I’m just an ordinary person who does not worry at all about have to put on a “concept” or having to appear cool.

Amongst the members, is there anyone you want to live as of a day?

JB: I think my current self is just right. That doesn’t mean that I would hate to swap lives with anyone for a day. It’s because I’m satisfied with myself and am not curious about anything else.

Flowers and a disco ball (props for the photoshoot). Which suits you more?

JB: Flowers. They’re more animal-like, and even though there are times I have burning passion, I’m usually meek/gentle.

[Translator note: When he said “animal-like,” he meant that flowers are more natural, soft, etc.]

Translated by @yerines_

Up the mountain and down again: A Kiribaku Jealousy Fic

Tags: Fluff and Smut Orgasm Delay/Denial Blow Jobs Mutual Pining Established Relationship Angst with a Happy Ending Aged-Up Character(s) Canon Universe

Words: 9,560 Chapters: 1/1

It was 8pm on a Friday night. Typically, that meant playing video games with Kirishima, or watching a movie together until they both passed out.

Today, however, Kirishima had decided to bail on him. Again. For the sixth time in two weeks. Movies, study sessions, sparring matches – nothing seemed to hold Kirishima’s interest anymore.

Not that Bakugou was keeping count, or anything.

This in itself would’ve been bad enough. But to make matters worse, Bakugou’s room was right next door. The walls were paper thin, and he could hear every snort, murmur and snore from his boyfriend’s room. It also meant that he could hear, with perfect clarity, when sometime around 9 or 10pm, that shitty faced nerd would come sneaking in with all the stealth of an elephant on stilts.

Six nights in two weeks, Kirishima had opted to be with Midoriya over Bakugou.

As far as Bakugou could tell, nothing they did warranted anger. According to Kirishima, it was just two bros hanging out and discussing manga, nothing weird. If Midoriya was trying (and failing) to sneak in, it was only so as to not disturb Bakugou’s sleep.

Not that he was getting much sleep, Bakugou wanted to snap. As much as he hated to admit it, he’d spent the past week tossing and turning, trying to figure out why he was losing Kirishima. Bakugou had thought, really believed, up until this point, that he was a pretty good boyfriend. Sure, maybe he wasn’t the best at communication, or flirting, or romance in general; and maybe he wasn’t the most outgoing person – he could never muster the same talent for making friends that Midoriya could – but he compensated for it. Waiting every morning for Kirishima to gel his hair, staying up late to help with his homework, buying any and all Red Riot merchandise he stumbled upon: sure, it wasn’t the most conventional way of showing affection, but it was the only way Bakugou knew how. Maybe after three years of dealing with that same emotional constipation, Kirishima had grown tired of it. Bakugou had become boring. His explosions, his flashy quirk – they weren’t impressive to anyone anymore. He was outdated, an expired novelty.

Bakugou shuddered. From across the wall, he could hear the long awaited clumsy crash of Midoriya’s stealthy entrance. Soon enough, he knew he would be forced to listen to the boys’ hushed whispers, their quiet giggles mixed into the stillness of the night. And he would be laying here, alone, trying to figure out what he was doing wrong.

He wasn’t a jealous person, normally. But tonight he couldn’t help the ugly pit of doubt gnawing at his stomach, nor the all-consuming fear eating at his chest. In a lot of ways, Midoriya just made the more appropriate fit for Kirishima’s partner. He was kind, empathetic, selfless to a fault; when he smiled, it was a genuine show of affection, one which warmed the hearts of the civilians and gained quick affection from anyone watching. He resembled Kirishima in that sense. Plus, they shared similar histories, similar fears – anxieties that Bakugou could never really sympathize with. With Midoriya by his side, Kirishima would finally have someone to talk to. Properly. Not the tense, almost forced conversations that Bakugou provided.

Midoriya had shown himself to be superior in practically every aspect of hero work since their first year. Bakugou had come to terms with it, didn’t mind it so much anymore – but realizing that Midoriya might beat him at his own relationship, too? The revelation cut him deeper than he’d ever been before. It hurt him in ways he didn’t know someone could hurt.

Kirishima was the highlight of his day. The highlight of his nights. The highlight of three years at UA, his proudest accomplishment and largest goal in life. If Bakugou had improved at all, it was only thanks to Kirishima’s role in helping him get there. Bakugou couldn’t bear the thought of losing that.

Around midnight, Bakugou finally heard Kirishima’s door close a second time, signaling Midoriya’s leave. As the lights switched off and Kirishima’s snores began to drift through the open balcony, he resolved to fix things in the morning. He would confront Kirishima about Midoriya. Whatever the answer would be, he’d respect it.

With a restless mind and heavy heart, Bakugou eventually fell asleep.

-

As it turned out, Bakugou never got the opportunity for any confrontation. He was too stunned and dazed to even begin his pre-planned speech.

At 4:30 in the morning, early enough that his dormitory was still eclipsed in pitch blackness, Bakugou was rudely awakened by the sudden slamming open of his bedroom door. “Katsukiiii!” A moment later, he was tackled into the mattress by a very wide-awake Kirishima. The redhead planted a sloppy kiss to Bakugou’s nose, laughing softly at his boyfriend’s disgruntled confusion.

“Fucking hell, Shitty Hair,” Bakugou grumbled, shoving him off. “What time is it?”

“I dunno, 4?” Kirishima buried himself into Bakugou’s side, wrapping himself in the other boy’s arms. “Why? I didn’t wake you, did I?” There was amusement in his voice, laced with excitement and childish glee.

“Fuck off, you jackass,” Bakugou groaned, pulling Kirishima closer. “It’s too early for this. I’m going back to sleep.”

“Nooooooooo,” Kirishima whined, flailing his limbs in a halfhearted attempt to escape his boyfriend’s grasp. “You can’t. You’re the one who told me to start my days earlier, so here I am.”

“I didn’t mean 4 in the fucking morning, you–”

“Besides, I have a whole day planned for us!” Kirishima cut him off, finally wriggling free and sliding off the bed. “So you better get up now, before I make you.”

Before Bakugou could protest, he found himself scooped up in two manly arms, being carried bridal style out the door.

“Let’s go! Shower first, and then change into something warm. We can eat breakfast on the way there. I’ve already booked our cab.”

Bakugou opened his mouth to argue, and then stopped himself. This was what he wanted after all, right? More attention from Kirishima? Plus, maybe this was a way to prove himself a better boyfriend than Midoriya. He would be so romantic, so kind, so empathetic to Kirishima, even if it killed them. Whatever Kirishima wanted to do, he would do. If he wanted to wake up at the hell hour of dawn and eat shitty pre-packaged breakfast? Fine. He could do that too.

Read the rest: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17539274 

Please drop a kudos/comment if you liked it! :) Thanks!!

Studying Watts to replay his message

So it turns out all that I'm doing here is trying to get the message out, the message that was already crafted by the greatest word technologist to ever live. The polarity message. The nature message. The money and class and wealth message. The message about being a civilized social unit of people, not individual nomadic clans at war with one another. My Narration stream idea was only abstract at first, but now I have done several streams and studied some of the messages about declining the social status game in order to fully embrace our inseparability from nature. The message about Society, Nature/Mankind unity, Trust/Love, Money/economy and class / the social game as pertains to Zen as the full exit from that version of the game of life is what I need to replay to my friends and followers, and to a society whose authority I refuse, in search of educational sovereignty. I have clarified the opening module to be directly focused on my GRIPE with a society that demands we subscribe to the king-grandfather obsession of social structure with Authority coercion built in to the minimum transaction. Here I am gathering transcripting so that the totality of that message in his words can be brought together in a single post that I can share with my friends who I am not able to go directly to and live share the hours of content that this comprises, with my own commentary and interaction with them. The talk titles as they exist in my youtube playlists is as follows 1- The spectrum of love https://www.alanwatts.org/1-5-7-spectrum-of-love/ - Trust (Life is willingness to die) https://www.organism.earth/library/document/trust Interlude / tangent - Zen tales and legends -- zen poetry / interlude with some musical aspects, helps establish the ground for the conclusion items. filler info. 2- Words and emptiness talk - if you don't use words, you don't have any problems. the big problem here is that we are bewitched by words, there is actually only one Thing. one ultimate suchness, which is nature. The reality that is nature. all religious/philosophical problems are problems created by words. 3- the talk that goes into man's inseparability from nature and the defuse of aggression as the way of conveying manliness. "And the great symbols of our culture are the rocket and the bulldozer. The rocket--you know, compensation for the sexually inadequate male. So we're going to conquer space. You know we're in space already, way out. If anybody cared to be sensitive and let outside space come to you, you can, if your eyes are clear enough. Aided by telescopes, aided by radio astronomy, aided by all the kinds of sensitive instruments we can devise. We're as far out in space as we're ever going to get. But, y'know, sensitivity isn't the pitch. Especially in the WASP culture of the United States. We define manliness in terms of aggression, you see, because we're a little bit frightened as to whether or not we're really men. And so we put on this great show of being a tough guy. It's completely unnecessary. If you have what it takes, you don't need to put on that show. And you don't need to beat nature into submission. Why be hostile to nature? Because after all, you ARE a symptom of nature. You, as a human being, you grow out of this physical universe in exactly the same way an apple grows off an apple tree. So let's say the tree which grows apples is a tree which apples, using 'apple' as a verb. And a world in which human beings arrive is a world that peoples. And so the existence of people is symptomatic of the kind of universe we live in. Just as spots on somebody's skin is symptomatic of chicken pox. Just as hair on a head is symptomatic of what's going on in the organism. But we have been brought up by reason of our two great myths--the ceramic and the automatic--not to feel that we belong in the world. So our popular speech reflects it. You say 'I came into this world.' You didn't. You came out of it. You say 'Face facts.' We talk about 'encounters' with reality, as if it was a head-on meeting of completely alien agencies. And the average person has the sensation that he is a someone that exists inside a bag of skin. The center of consciousness that looks out at this thing, and what the hell's it going to do to me? You see? 'I recognize you, you kind of look like me, and I've seen myself in a mirror, and you look like you might be people.' So maybe you're intelligent and maybe you can love, too. Perhaps you're all right, some of you are, anyway. You've got the right color of skin, or you have the right religion, or whatever it is, you're OK. But there are all those people over in Asia, and Africa, and they may not really be people. When you want to destroy someone, you always define them as 'unpeople.' Not really human. Monkeys, maybe. Idiots, maybe. Machines, maybe, but not people. So we have this hostility to the external world because of the superstition, the myth, the absolutely unfounded theory that you, yourself, exist only inside your skin." ~Alan Watts. 4- the hypocrisy around money - the invention of system "economic utopia" is not wishful thinking - the system to distribute money for work done by machinery on the humans behalf is THE ONLY REAL ALTERNATIVE to self-destruction -- Finally I said, "The trouble with you gentlemen is you still think money is real.” And they looked at me and sort of said, "Oh ha ha ha, someone who doesn't think money is real. Cause everybody knows money is money and it's very important." But it just isn't real at all because it has the same relationship to real wealth, that is to say to actual goods and services, that words have to meaning - that words have to the physical world. And as words are not the physical world, money is not wealth. It only is an accounting of available energy - economic energy. Now what happens then when you introduce technology into production? You produce enormous quantities of goods by technological methods but at the same time you put people out of work. You can say, "Oh but it always creates more jobs. There will always be more jobs." Yes, but lots of them will be futile jobs. They will be jobs making every kind of frippery and unnecessary contraption, and one will also at the same time have to beguile the public into feeling that they need and want these completely unnecessary things that aren't even beautiful. And therefore an enormous amount of nonsense employment and busy work, bureaucratic and otherwise, has to be created in order to keep people working, because we believe as good Protestants that the devil finds work for idle hands to do. But the basic principle of the whole thing has been completely overlooked, that the purpose of the machine is to make drudgery unnecessary. And if we don't allow it to achieve its purpose we live in a constant state of self-frustration. So then if a given manufacturer automates his plant and dismisses his labor force and they have to operate on a very much diminished income, (say some sort of dole), the manufacturer suddenly finds that the public does not have the wherewithal to buy his products. And therefore he has invested in this expensive automative machinery to no purpose. And therefore obviously the public has to be provided with the means of purchasing what the machines produce. People say, "That's not fair. Where's the money going to come from? Who's gonna pay for it?" The answer is the machine. The machine pays for it, because the machine works for the manufacturer and for the community. This is not saying you see that a... this is not the statist or communist idea that you expropriate the manufacture and say you can't own and run this factory anymore, it is owned by the government. It is only saying that the government or the people have to be responsible for issuing to themselves sufficient credit to circulate the goods they are producing and have to balance the measuring standard of money with the gross national product. That means that taxation is obsolete - completely obsolete. It ought to go the other way. Theobald points out that every individual should be assured of a minimum income. Now you see that absolutely horrifies most people. “Say all these wastrels, these people who are out of a job because they're really lazy see... ah giving them money?” Yeah, because otherwise the machines can't work. They come to a blockage. This was the situation of the Great Depression when here we were still, in a material sense, a very rich country, with plenty of fields and farms and mines and factories...everything going. But suddenly because of a psychological hang-up, because of a mysterious mumbo-jumbo about the economy, about the banking, we were all miserable and poor - starving in the midst of plenty. Just because of a psychological hang-up. And that hang-up is that money is real, and that people ought to suffer in order to get it. But the whole point of the machine is to relieve you of that suffering. It is ingenuity. You see we are psychologically back in the 17th century and technically in the 20th. And here comes the problem. So what we have to find out how to do is to change the psychological attitude to money and to wealth and further more to pleasure and further more to the nature of work. And this is a formidable problem. It requires the best brains in public relations, in propaganda, in all that kind of thing, in all the media: television, radio, newspapers, everything...to try to get across a message to the vast general public about what money is. You see the difficulty is this. When the public suspects that the money that is being issued, the dollar bills being issued by the government are only paper, and stand only for paper, they start putting up prices so you get an inflationary situation where the more paper money there is, the higher and higher and higher the prices go… which is a very stupid psychological maneuver. And people have to be persuaded. The least effective way of persuading people is passing laws, but they have to be persuaded somehow not to put up the prices, but to play fair with each other and keep some sort of standard correspondence between how much is produced and how much credit is issued. - 5- escaping societies brainwashing the function of a Zen teacher is to put his students in all kinds of situations we're in the normal course of social relations they would get stuck by asking nonsensical questions by making absurd remarks by or always of unhinging things and above all keeping them stirred up with impossible demands: to hear the sound of one hand to without moving stop a ship sailing out on the water or to stop the sound of a train whistle in the distance magic- to touch the ceiling without getting up to amongst chair -to take the four divisions of Tokyo out of your sleeve -to take Mount Fuji out of the Kobach's all these impossible questions are asked and in the ordinary way of interpreting these questions we think well now be how could we do that? see that's the very difficult question that's been asked and you have to think what would I do to do that because we are caught up in a certain way of discourse which the language game that we play and the social game the production gains and the survival games that we play are good games but we take them so seriously that we think that that is the only important thing and this is to unstick us from that notion and realize that it would be just as good a game to drop dead now as to go on living is a lightning flash bad because it lives for a second as compared with the Sun that goes on for billions of years you can't make that sort of comparison because the world is like mingoes also with the world rebels of son and vice versa so long-lived creatures and shortness creatures go together that's the meaning of that saying flowering branches grow naturally some short some long so this n is a scene in in a zen community where the spontaneous behavior is encouraged within certain limits and as the student becomes more and more used to it those limits are expanded until eventually he can be trusted to go out on the street and behave like a true Zen character and get by perfectly well you know what occasionally happens on the street when two people are walking down the sidewalk straight at each other and they both decide to move to the right together and then to the left together and they somehow get stuck and they can't pass each other then teachers will pull just exactly that sort of stunt when going down a path and meet one of their students to see if they can get him in a tangle and can you escape from it and you will find in everyday life that there is a very clear distinction between people who always seem to be self possessed and people who are desiring and nervous and don't quite know how to react in any given situation always getting embarrassed because they have their life to strongly programmed you said I mean this is a common marriage argument you said you would do such and such a thing at such and such a time and now you've changed your plans not that they really the change of plans really caused any inconvenience just the feeling that when you say you will do something at a certain time you ought to do it at that time come hell or high water well that's being very unadaptable that's being a stone kind of sticky thing if it after all doesn't matter when we do it and as if somebody is offended because the time instant chase that's simply because they are attached to punctuality as a fetish and this is one of the great problems this is causes many automobile accidents men rushing home to be on time for dinner when they stayed late either working or they had to stop for a drink of some bar or when the girl feels that she has to if she has a fussy husband and she feels she has to have the dinner ready at exactly a certain moment she ruins the cooking he'd rather have a faithful wife and a bad cook how about not riding on your toes so you see we spend an awful lot of energy trying to make our lives fit images of what life is or should be which they could never possibly sit so then practice is in getting rid of these images but it's it's so explosive socially to do that and it's so various people they get vertigo they get dizzy they don't know which end is up and this happens you know if you've ever been in one of those blab blab sessions where they call them tea groups I think it's all something like that where the people gather together without any clear idea of what this gathering is about they know it's somehow self-exploration but just how do you begin on that and so somebody starts to push his idea and then somebody else says well why you tried to push your idea on us and then they all get into an argument about the argument and the most amazing confusion come about that sometimes they all see what idiots they're being and then they learn to live together in a they open and spontaneous way there was a very interesting dinner party once where the Zen master was present and there was a geisha girl who served so beautifully and had such style that he suspected she must have some Zen training and after a while he when she paused the silly sake cup he bowed to her and said I'd like to give you a present and she said I would be most honored and he took the iron chopsticks that are used for the hibachi with charcoal brazier moving the charcoal around he picked up a piece of red hot charcoal and gave it slip well she instantly she had very long sleeves on her kimono she weld the sleeves round her hands and took the hot charcoal withdrew to the kitchen dump it and changed her kimono because it was thought through then she came back into the room and after a suitable interval she stopped before the Zen master and bowed to him and said I would like to give you sir present I would be very much honored of course he was wearing a kimono or something like this and so she picked up a piece of coal I've offered it to him he immediately produced a cigarette and said thank you that's just what I need it now you know in the same way that we have this in our culture certain people who are communal who know how to make jokes and gags in a completely unprepared situation face them with anything and they somehow come through so that is exactly the same thing in a special domain as then only it will be master of them does this in every life situation but the important thing is to be able to do this this is the secret you must remember you can't make a mistake now that's a very difficult thing to do because from childhood up we have had to conform to a certain social game and if you'll go to conform to this game you can make mistakes or not make mistakes so this thing is gone into it all the time you must do the right thing there's certain conduct appropriate here a certain context appropriate there and that sticks in us and gives us a double self all our lives long because we never grow up! - --- you realize that the whole of life plays a game - which is a childhood game - **There are three kinds of people top people middle people of bottom people and there can't be any middle people and let's to the bottom people and top people accompany any top people unless to the middle and bottom people and so it goes and everybody's trying to be in a top set well if they're going to be there has got to be someone on the bottom set and the people who do the right thing and people do the wrong thing you hear in Sausalito we have this very very plainly there are the right people nice people who live up on the hill then there are the nasty people who live down here on the waterfront and they grow beards and they wear blue jeans and they smoke marijuana and whether the other people on the top of Hill Drive Cadillacs and have wall-to-wall carpeting and nicely mowed lawn and their particular kind of poison is alcohol now the people who live on the top of the hill know that they're nice people but they wouldn't know they were nice people unless they had some nasty people to compare themselves with every in-group requires an output whereas the nasty people think they are the real far-out people whereas those people those Hillbillies the squares and they wouldn't be able to feel far out unless there were squares see these things simply go together but when that is not seen we play the game of getting on top of things all the time and so we're in a constant state of competition as to if it's not I'm stronger than you it's I'm wiser than you I'm more loving than you I'm more tolerant than you I'm more sophisticated than you it doesn't matter what it is that this constant competition is going on in terms of that competition we can of course lose place and in that sense make mistakes but what a Zen student is is a person who is not involved in the status game that's the real meaning of a monk he is not keeping up with the Joneses and to be a master he must get to the point where he's not trying to be a master the whole idea of your your being better than anybody else simply doesn't make any sense at all it is totally meaningless because you see everybody manifesting the Marvel of the universe in the same way as the Stars do and the water and the wind and the animals and you see them all as being in their right places and not being able really to make mistakes although they may think they're making mistakes or not making mistakes and playing all these competitive games but that's their game now I only say if that game begins to boil and it begins to trouble you and give you alphas and all kinds of things then you raise the problem of getting out of it and therefore you start to become interested in things like then that is simply a symptom of your growing in a certain direction where you are tired of playing a certain kind of game you are as naturally flowing in another direction as if a tree were putting out a new branch so because you say oh well we people are interested in higher things you see that depends still on the differentiation of rank between the superior and the inferior people but when you begin to see through that and grow out of that you don't think anymore of this superior and inferior classification you don't think we are spiritual people who attend to higher things as distinct from these morons are only interested in beer and television this is simply our particular form of life like there are crabs and there are spiders and there are sharks and there are sparrows and so on the trouble with the human being is like the trouble with certain animals like the dinosaur who evolved to the point where he was so big did he have to have two brains a higher self in the head and a lower self in the rump and the difficulty was to get these two brains coordinated but we have exactly the same trouble and we are suffering from a kind of jitters that comes from being two brained now you see I'm not saying that that jitters is bad it's a potential step in evolution and an opportunity of growth but remember in the process of growth the oak is not better than the Acorn because what does it do it produces acorns or you could say just I like I sometimes enough to say that a chicken is one eggs way of becoming others so an oak is an acorn way of becoming other acorns where is the point of superiority the first verse of that time I just quoted the flowering branches grow naturally some short some long the first verse is in the landscape of spring there is nothing superior and nothing inferior the flowering branches are naturally some short some long so that's the point of view of being an outcast in the sense of being outside the taking seriously of being involved in the social game and therefore being threatened by making mistakes of doing the wrong thing that is to say of carrying into adult life one's childhood conditioning where somebody is constantly yammering at you to play the game so therefore the preachers and the teachers take the same attitude towards their adult congregation the parents take two children and lecture them and tell them what they should do and judges in courts feel also entitled to give people lectures because they say those criminal types haven't grown up but neither have the judges it takes two to make a quarrel so one can begin to think in a new way in the polarity thinking instead of being stuck with the competitive thinking of the good guys and the bad guys the cops of the robbers the capitalists and the Communists the all these things which are simply childishness now of course you recognize that if I at the moment I say that it's like talking in English in order to show that the English language has limitations and I am talking in a language that seems competitive to show that the competitive game has limitations if I was saying to all you cats here look I have something to tell you that if you get this you will be at a better position than you were before you heard it but I cannot speak to this group or the society or this language speaking culture without using the language the gestures the customs etc that you have the Zen masters try to get around this by doing things suddenly that people just don't get well what is this therefore that is the reason why this is a real reason why then cannot be explained you have to make as it were they jump from the valuation game of better people and worse people in-groups and out-groups and you can only make it by seeing that they all are mutually interdependent so if we take this situation let's say I would be talking to you and saying look I have some very special thing that you've got to take notice of therefore I am the in-group and I'm the teacher and you are the out-group I know perfectly well that I cannot be the teacher unless you come in and so that my estate is in my position is totally dependent on you it isn't something you see therefore I have first and then you get these things arise mutually so if you wouldn't come I wouldn't talk I wouldn't know what the same hahaha because I borrowed your language so that that is the insight that things go together then when you see that and aren't in competition then you don't make a mistake because you don't do this when I first learned the piano and played these wretched scales the teacher beside me had a pencil in my hand and she hit my fingers every time I made a lot wrong note consequent was I never learned to read music because I hesitated too long to play the note on time because I was always business if his pencil gonna land see that gets built into your psyche and so people are always although they're adults and nobody is clubbing them around and screaming at them any longer they hear the echoes of that screaming mama all that bum been aiding Papa in the back of their heads all their life long and so they adopt the same attitudes to their own children and the fast continues because there is no I mean I don't say that you shouldn't lay down the law to children if you want them to play the social game but you if you lay down the law to your children you must make provision later in life for them to be liberated to go through a process of curing them from the bad effects of Education but you can't do that unless you two grow up you see as we grow up as I including myself so that is the fig now therefore in the Zen scene you would think that the master as we know even as we read about him is an extremely authoritarian figure that's the way he deliberately comes on at the beginning he puts up a terrific show of being an awful dragon and this screams out all sorts of people who don't have somehow the nerve to get into the work but once you are in a very strange change takes place the master becomes the brother he becomes the affectionate helper of all those students and they love him as they would a brother rather than respect him as they would have father and therefore the students and masters they make jokes about each other they have a very curious kind of social relationship which has all the outward trappings of the authoritarian but everybody knows on the insides of that to joke liberated people have to be very cool otherwise in a society which doesn't believe in equality and cannot possibly practice it they would be considered extremely subversive therefore great their masters were purple and gold and carries scepters and fitted Thrones and all this carried on to cool it the outside world knows are there all right this has been their order they're perfectly fine

Cooterblaster contest

This is my participation for @cooterblaster contest. English is not my first language. I had fun and am happy to have participated. Good luck to all the others paticipants. 

An other sleepless night.

Hikory/Edge (my own interpretation of them), fluff, pregnancy, pregnant skeleton.  no warning in particular.

Summary : pregnancy sucks, but there's always some good sides in it.

The ocasional sound of an animal in the garden like a frog or an owl. The faded light of the full moon outside. The persistant tic tac of the clock marking the 60 seconds of the minute, the 60 minute of the hour for now 2 hours. The light breathing beside him. The slow and calm pulse of the soul of his partner, not even succeding to bring him sleep. The anoying bump he has as a stomac preventing him to have a full, deep and restfull night of sleep. Once again would the night be boring and tiring. Edge had tried help him making his pregnancy easier by cooking his weird stuff or buying a lot of pillows but Hikory started finding it hard to keep a smile on his face. It wasn't like he didn't wanted to have a child, none of that. It was more like he wasn't prepared enought for this. The tiredness, the weird hunger, the growing bump under his ribs, the sleep deprived nights.

Hikory tried to shift his position from his back to one of his sides. It wasn't comfortable. He moved to his other side, now facing his husband who instinctively embrace him in his arms in a strong hug. Hikory looked at him for a long time. Starting from the scar a dog inflicted on his right eye, then tracing the line to his sharpened teeth then his angular jaw. The egstinguished eyelights and relaxed expression were unusual. The other skeleton was accustomed to wear a brash, overbearing and sassy mask. He only communicated his true feelings throught his eyes even if he used his facial expressions more for some times, maybe since the begining of the pregnancy, to show more of his emotions. Whatever Edge prefered anyway Hikory was good at reading him. His pretentious patner was no secret to him. As a matter of fact, Hikory's back was hurting him. He still wasn't comfortable enough.

The pregnant skeleton decided he would try occupy himself. He pushed the covers aside, and put a pillow where he would be for his husband to cuddle during his sleep. It was cute and funny how the edgier changed during their relationship. At first he tried to impress the other by being manly, then discovered the kindness needed in a reationship for finally becoming the most tender person Hikory ever met. The pregnant skeleton loved his husband and knew how much this being inside him meant for him, that's why he was happy being pregnant. But sometimes it was so desperately difficult for him. So he did his best being joyfull. He was an insomniac and never had much sleep, making him worn out most of the time but he compensated with naps. Now he was quite simply exhausted. Theses sleepless days and nights wouldn't stop and all he wanted now was a long and restfull sleep.

Sighing and brething as soundlessly as possible Hikory worked his way out of bed trying not to wake his partner up. He ended panting and had to rest a little caressing his stomac. It was big enough that his caring husband almost couldn't close both his arms around the belly anymore. After getting up Hikory lighted up a little lamp and sat in his roking chair to carry on his lastest work, a knit scarf for his brother. Hikory wanted to finish it before his birthday and was sure to make it in time if his nights remained as they were, that's to say sleepless. He rocked in his chair while wondering how he should do the next patern of knots when the baby decided to kick. He shushed the kid and started to hum softly. The little one usualy kicked less when he was doing so. When Edge is awake that's him who sing to the little demon, it always make them both calm down, the baby and Hikory.

He didn't know how much time had passed when Edge sudently sit on the ground and hugged his belly, putting lovingly his head on top of it, startling a little the one holding the not-so-well-knit scarf. Edge mumbled someting the pregnant monster didn't even tried to understand. "-Honey, you work tomorow, if you stay awake you won't make it through your day." Edge muttered more before raising the big shirt of the swapfell monster, put it above his own head and started kissing each centimeter of ectoflesh he could reach, making the other one giggle. When all the bump was kissed properly, Edge retract and used his sweetest and deepest voce to say a single thing which always made the tallest one shiver. "-I love you more than anything, shugarplum." After a little while, he added. "You are the beautifullest creature in this world and I am the lukiest, because you choosed me." Hikory rested his hand on the other's head and stoke it smiling lightly at the fond words. Edge almost purred and stayed here to keep company to his precious lover. He would stay awake all the night if needed. He didn't want Hikory to feel lonely tonight, or any moment of their life. It was his wish.

Get to Know Chanyeol

Light Astrology Analysis

Chanyeol has a bowl chart with all planets located towards his interactions with others

Very Outgoing person

Is lacking inside, may have a lot of  internal struggles

Saturn is his Dominant planet but it gets almost completely negated by his tightest aspect (in other posts about that) and the 2nd most dominant planet - Jupiter

Jupiter also makes him optimistic, able to see the bigger picture

Jupiter dominants are usually tall, “extra” and lucky

As Capricorn dominant always has the internal conflict between public exposure with their great need for privacy

LOVES talking about the subjects of interest (mysterious, weird, taboo things, music, animu and whatever else he likes)

loves company of intelligent, well read and fun people

Jupiter dominants tend to be a bit lazy and all over the place

with Mars Cancer he tends to play the victim in arguments

self-pitying himself

always thinking “why me?” inside

very emotional about conflicts,

takes them very poorly

long recovery period, hold grudges

usually is very sensitive about close friends'/family matters

internal anxieties

most conflicts tend to come from the past

wants security (in money, relationships, job... )

can’t deal being ignored

also doesn’t usually tell others what he wants and expects others to simply know what he wants

Scorpio mind is definitely scary, especially in the 8th house (the dark house of secrets, sex, death) and plus that tight Pluto conjunction (planet of extremes and darkness)

his Pluto hides his geniusness from everybody

so you’ll see his actual brain VERY rarely

heretic, born strategist

he notices every tiny detail

loves playing detective in his mind (and he’s Hella good at it)

such a sharp mind, fearless about going where others fear to thread

literally human surveillance camera

but not so interested in school or the traditional concept of “intelligent”

tends to romanticize death, destruction and law breaking (gangs, crime, sinful mind overall)

often has weird, “dark” thoughts about sex

can we just talk about his dirty lyrics. Even with that hardcore censorship he manages to write dirty songs

seeks the Truth and he WILL find it

masks, lies and illusions don’t work on him

a born detective A Concept: Intelligence Agent/Hacker Chanyeol

don’t try to win an argument with him

also he’s not very tactful

stubborn, will hang onto a subject until satisfied

will do all he can to avoid an uninteresting subject

can be manipulative and very secretly controlling

likes to possess the ones he cares about (he feels it’s a way to protect them)

will be tempted to use his mind for evilish goals

I can see him loving monster concept

SO this boy’s got Sagittarius sun (ego, character) and it’s made even stronger with Jupiter dominant 

he wishes to be respected and heard more than anything

but doesn’t care about what other people want

such an optimistic free spirit

loves independence and adventures

don’t suffocate him if you want a good relationship with him

faithful, if all needs met but his restlessness would probably create distance (both physically and mentally)

lucky in many aspects of life

needs constant action

wants to learn everything he can (especially with that sharp mind) (no wonder he knows how to play so many instruments)

loves to travel and to make friends while he’s at it (am I the only one being reminded of all those insta posts with different people every time)

his acceptance of everybody and optimism simply draw people in

although easy going as a fire sign has a quick and fierce temper

while usually accepting and positive

if you manage to make this boy angry

run.

absolutely doesn’t sugar coat anything or tell white lies

honest, sometimes a little too honest

might come off as rude and insensitive because of it

sagittariuses usually swear a lot

likes people who join him in athletic as well as intellectual activities

an excellent organizer and usually successful at any project he takes on

lives for himself

but if you can keep up and follow along he’ll show you an exciting and cheerful side of life ~ 

With Cap Moon emotional matters is just not his strong suit

actually frightened by his emotions and is not sure how do deal with them

needs to feel useful and productive

his own worst critic and can be really hard on himself

painfully aware of his weaknesses and tries very hard to compensate for them

wants to be respected in others eyes

finds it difficult to relate to people who have different values

witty and self-focused

wants to have realistic goals

loyal friend but awful at texting back

he doesn’t shit talk unless that person in REALLY REALLY shit

most cap moons are weebs or furries (if they say they’re not - they’re lying)

likes to get their way

pretty down to earth, knows his goals, looks at them realistically

he’s funnier than you

deal with it

hides sensitivity with jokes

hates dealing with emotions

but there’s always a point where they just pile up and explode (esp if includes close friends/ family Mars Cancer)

Bonus

venus cap makes him a very traditional boyfriend

neptune cap makes his dreams very realistic

the two aspects above explain why Chanyeol idealized Jongin from the very first days.

he’s attracted to both of these signs

as his ideal lover from dreams and fantasies (neptune) is capricorn and Jongin is Capricorn king if I’ve ever seen one

with Jupiter(abundance) quintile (talent) Mars (sex, manliness) this guy is DEFFINETLY packing down there and is especially talented in bed

I give you my word (btw, quintiles are actuary rare to have in a table, so to have one in this aspect... oh boy)

if it ends up wrong, I promise I’ll quit astrology

[Masterlist]

“The life that Madame led at the Court of France varied, necessarily, during the fifty and one years that she spent there; she could not live at the age of sixty as she had done at twenty. But at all times, before and after the death of Monsieur, she had managed to make for herself a retreat and a sort of solitude. The exaggerated and incongruous sides of Madame's nature being now sufficiently visible and well known, I desire to neglect nothing that witch show the firm and elevated parts of her soul. 

From Saint-Cloud June 17,1698, she writes thus: —

“I do not need much consolation in the matter of death; I do not desire death, neither do I dread it. There is no need of the Catechism of Heidelberg to teach us not to be attached to this world; above all in this country where all things are so full of falseness, envy, and malignity, where the most unheard of vices are displayed without reserve. But to desire death is a thing entirely against nature. In the midst of this great Court I live retired, as if in solitude; there are very few persons with whom I have frequent intercourse; I am whole, long days alone in my cabinet, where I busy myself in reading and writing. If any one pays me a visit I see them for only a few moments; I talk of rain and fine weather or the news of the day; and after that I take refuge in my retreat. Four times a week I send off my regular letters: Monday, to Savoie; Wednesday, to Modena; Thursday and Sunday I write very long letters to my aunt in Hanover; from six to eight o'clock I drive out with Monsieur and my ladies; three times a week I go to Paris, and every day I write to my friends who live there; I hunt twice a week ; and this is how I pass my time.”

When she speaks of solitude we see it is a Court solitude and much diversified. Still it was remarkable that a woman of so grand a station and a princess should spend so many hours daily alone in her cabinet in company with her desk. After the death of Monsieur, Madame could live more to her liking. She regretted being obliged to dismiss her maids of honour, whose youth and gayety amused her; but she gave herself a compensation after her own heart, by taking to herself, without official title, two friends, the Maréchale de Clérembault and the Comtesse de Beuvron, both widows, whom Monsieur had dismissed with aversion from the Court of the Palais-Eoyal, but to whom Madame had ever remained faithful in absence. They were the “friends in Paris” to whom she wrote continually. Becoming free herself, she wanted them near her, and henceforth enjoyed, almost as a simple private person, that united constant friendship iwhich she trusted.

Hunting was long one of Madame's greatest pleasures, or rather passions. I have said that while a child at Heidelberg she gave herself up to all manly exercises. Her father, however, forbade her to hunt or to ride on horseback. It was in France, therefore, that she served her apprenticeship, and her impetuosity often made it dangerous. Twenty-six times was she thrown from her horse, without being frightened or discouraged. “Is it possible”, she says, “that you have never seen a great hunt? I have seen more than a thousand stags taken, and I have had bad falls; but out of twenty-six times that I have been thrown from my horse I never hurt myself but once, and then I dislocated my elbow.

The theatre was another passion, which, in her, was derived from intelligence and her natural taste for things of the understanding. It was the only pleasure (except that of writing letters) which lasted to the end of her life. She was not of the opinion of Bossuet, Bourdaloue, and other great religious oracles of the day in the matter of theatres; she forestalled the opinion of the future and that of the most indulgent moralists. 

“With regard to the priests who forbid the theatre”, she says, rather irreverently,“I shall say no more, except this, that if they saw a little further than their own noses they would understand that the money people spend on going to the play is not ill-spent; in the first place, the comedians are poor devils who earn their living that way; and next, comedies inspire joy, joy produces health, health gives strength, strength produces good work; therefore comedies should be encouraged, and not forbidden”

She liked to laugh, and the “Malade Imaginaire” diverted her to such a degree that one might think in reading her letters that she was trying to imitate all that is most physical and unfit for women in its style of pleasantry. And yet “the ‘Malade Imaginaire’ is not the one of Moliere's plays that I like best” she says; “Tartuffe pleases me better”.

And in another letter: “I cannot write longer, for I am called to go to the theatre; I am to see the 'Misanthrope, the one of Molifere's plays that gives me the most pleasure.”

[...] “I live here quite deserted (May 3, 1709) for everybody, young and old, runs after favour. The Maintenon cannot endure me, and the Duchesse de Bourgogne likes only what that lady likes”. She became at last absolutely a hermit in the midst of the Court. “I consort with no one here, except my own people; I am as polite as I can be to everybody, but I contract no intimate relations with any one, and I Uve alone ; I go to walk, I go to drive, but from two o'clock to half-past nine I never see a human face; I read, I write, or I amuse myself in making baskets like the one I sent my aunt”. 

Sometimes, however, to enliven this long interval from two o'clock to half-past nine, her ladies would play at home or beside her writingtable. 

The regency of her son brought the Court again around Madame; and her more frequent residence in Paris allowed her less retreat than she was able to make at Versailles. Sometimes, in the morning, half a dozen duchesses would take up her time and cut short her correspondence.

She detested their conversations of mere politeness, in which they talked without having anything to say. “I would rather be alone than have to give myself the trouble of finding something to say to each of them; for the French think it very bad if you do not talk to them, and go away discontented; one must therefore take pains to say something to each; and so I am content and tranquil when they leave me to myself.”

She made exception with less annoyance when it was a question of Germans of high rank, who all wished to be presented to her, and whom she greeted very well. At times there were as many as twenty-nine German princes, counts, and gentlemen in her apartment.”

Introduction.  “The correspondence of Madame, Princess Palatine, mother of the regent; Marie-Adelaide de Savoie, duchesse de Bourgogne and of Madame de Maintenon, in relation to saint-eve.” Contains introductions made by C.-A Sainte-Beuve. Selected and translated by Katherine Prescott Wormeley. 1899.