#i still think fanfic is lovely but i felt so stagnated in my writing and unable to finish anything
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Update - 2nd year anniversary! (plus a reflection, and future plans).
Hi everyone! π here.
Today, May 13th, is the day I officially opened up this blog and began writing degenerate and immoral stories! 2 fucking years have passed, how time flies. So much can change in a year, and so do some of the stats!
First work: Sandwich - Red Velvet Wendy (published 05/13/21, 4:03 a.m.)
Highest note count: Awards after-party affair - Itzy Yuna (published 10/23/22, 1167 notes)
Number of works published: 80 fics (1 fic every 9.1 days)
500 followers: June 18, 2021 (36 days or 1 month, 5 days)
1,000 followers: October 12, 2021 (152 days or 4 months, 30 days)
2,000 followers: June 18, 2022 (401 days or 1 year, 1 month, and 5 days)
3,000 followers: November 12, 2022 (548 days or 1 year, 5 months, and 30 days)
Follower count: 3,953 followers (5.4 followers a day)
I wish I had something awesome lined up to celebrate this milestone, but I don't have anything prepared XD I've been busy and lazy at the same time. (Is that even possible?)
Actually, yeah, I do have a whole week's worth of cool things lined up this week! If I can even follow through with this one...
Monday: AMA
Tuesday: Reader Poll
Wednesday: ???
Thursday: ???
Friday: ???
I don't want to make the fun section of the update elaborately long, so I just want to say thank you so much to everyone for the support! Even though I'm not as active or as productive as I used to be, your eagerness never wavered, and you guys enjoy me talking about random shit on the side, whether it be song lyrics, Pokémon, or literally posts without any context to them. I love you guys. Here's to another year 🧡
Everything else from this point is a brief reflection and introspection of what I've been feeling since then. You can ignore this if you wish to do so.
So today marks the second anniversary since I opened up this Tumblr and became a degenerate writer. The work I've been putting up is getting worse—in a sexual and filthy way, not objectively—and my mental health has been getter much, much better! When I made the same anniversary post around this time a year ago, I was at an all-time low, mentally speaking. I really felt like I had not much left to give at that point, my skill has stagnated, and I thought there wasn't much for me to improve on. If you asked me if I had any future plans for this blog, I'd say I'd be done by the end of 2022, if not sooner.
It's now 2023, and I believe I'm as good as I can be right now. Slumps happen for a reason, and you can't always win, but it's how you bounce back from the lowest of lows that you reach highest of highs. And I believe I can still get better.
Genuinely, not to sound arrogant, because Lord knows I'm not the best fanfic writer—fuck no—I'm not anywhere close, even in a theoretical top 1000 list, but I do think some of my finest work have come up in my most recent fics. I don't know, it feels more polished and there was more effort and deliberation put into it. The numbers don't lie, either; every single work I published since May 2022 has over 400+ notes, and I've even passed the 1000+ note barrier twice! It goes to show that you guys are enjoying what I'm putting out as much as I love making them, slow and difficult it may be. I can fondly smile at last year's additions to my masterlist and say, "I can't believe I did that."
I do want to apologize if my output rate has drastically slowed down, and if I'm not as active as I was before. It's unfortunately part of the sacrifice needed for better quality control, and also because I have more personal commitments to attend to. 2023 has been fantastic for me so far in almost every department, except maybe physically—I could use more exercise—but that can be worked upon.
I do believe I'm on borrowed time. Again, look at the gap between fics over the past six months ago, and it's only going to widen once I enter my third year of college. I also have to begin considering what hobbies and other things I should do to occupy my free time, so I can be more productive as a person. This isn't to say I'm definitely quitting, but I expect more responsibilities to be shouldered onto me in the future, and having time for myself is going to be pretty much a birthday gift with how rare it might be given, and I'd prefer spending my time off recharging and relaxing instead of stressing over inconsequential or 'fun' things.
There's a lot of people I want to thank specifically, because while I was struggling with my own personal battles, they've been encouraging me to continue fighting and have been absolute lads—and lasses—throughout the past year. When I needed someone to talk to that wasn't my therapist, they were there, and I took solace in their comfort and companionship. I can't tag you guys, but if you're reading this—Chunk, Raf, Peach, Aaron, Sol, V1n, Iz, Ddeun, C.o, Kaede, Frisky, Smite, Shaun, Sins, Jett, Eros, Prael, Ken, Cray, CJ, Sooya, Gray, Svn—I sincerely thank you. God bless each and every single one of you. And to Tim, I really hope you can see this, but I'm truly, truly sorry. I hope we can find a way to bury that fracture in our relationship in the past, and we can reconcile. If not, then I just want closure and peace for the both of us.
So in closing, I want to thank you so much for sticking with me through the bad times and prospering with me through the good, and I'm always humbled that you've taken a chance on me when I started, when I was a hopeful newbie, two years ago. Now here we are. I appreciate every single one of you, be it a fellow writer, a reader, or a lurker.
With grace,
Peter / π
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Saw @garbagechocolate post one and realized I had enough art to actually do one of my own! (also artist ramble/struggle journey/discussion/new years thingy below the cut if you care to read that sort of stuff)
It was a good year, and not just that but a productive one for me for art. For the longest time, I rarely finished pieces because I simply lacked the enjoyment or satisfaction of getting it done.
I spent a lot of time between 2018 and 2022 stuck in the "no one likes my art, why bother" spiral and when I saw others drawing always, all the time, and loving it I realized I lacked a certain passion for my own work. I was very jealous of so many artists, not because of skill, as I knew I had the technical ability to draw very well...
But because I didn't know how to draw for myself, and stayed in what I knew. I stagnated myself due to depression I didn't recognize was actually depression. I wondered and marveled at how anyone could draw their own content so obsessively--that others cared and loved to see their stuff--because I lacked that feeling myself; I actively hated my own content--my own OCs--at times. I couldn't draw to be "trendy", but also couldn't draw what I wanted; my soul was dark, and struggling financially wasn't helping. I told myself I lacked time, lacked money, lacked this and that to make excuses rather than just be gentle with myself.
Once in a while I got a flurry of energy, but it always snuffed out just as quickly as it came, and so the next dry spell came.
Then, I got a job. A good job. A well-paying, consistent job that I felt safe in, got back on my feet, and lost two of my excuses. Suddenly, I had a schedule, and I had my bills paid; I had a job that I couldn't easily lose to the next monkey in line if I underperformed.
I felt just a little bit safer.
Yet I still didn't have that passion. Instead of stress on it, though, since I wasn't dragging at the unfeeling internet to buy my art to pay my bills anymore, I felt less pressure to try and grind (I was bad at it anyway) and so I was finally, finally able to relax. Recover.
Heal.
And then, Security Breach came out.
I've always been a FNAF fan--OG first game train, let's gooooooo--yet I didn't do anything in the fandom; but Security Breach was... different. Generally I avoid actively engaging with fandoms because I simply don't have the time or patience, but now, I did.
I wanted to enjoy it--enjoy the weird spin off content it created, at least a bit. I started an AU of my own. However, I still wasn't quite... 'there'. The true passion was only flickering embers in a dirty, worn out hearth.
So, early 2023, I indulged myself. I told myself "cringe is dead and I deserve to be happy". I collected Tiktoks, made OCs again, and just let myself have fun. I cleaned out the fireplace like Sophie in the Moving Castle.
I joined a fan server of a SB spin off series I enjoyed at the time. Some of you might know which one by the art, recognizing the pieces or my name.
I immersed myself in a fandom for a short time. I let myself be weird, happy, indulgent...
And suddenly, I was free.
I spoke to fellow artists inside and outside the server, helped younger artists with their fundamentals, drew fanart not for money but for love of the content, made fanfics and stories, revisited my AU I'd been chipping away at off and on... I remembered how I loved drawing to draw, to spread joy and support, not for money. I remembered how to create, not just make. Gained confidence in my choices and ability to write and layer characters.
Learned to love them with their flaws instead of hate them for just existing because they weren't "good enough".
I started to enjoy my own things again, and how to embrace being self-indulgent. To draw what I wanted because I want it, not because it was needed or expected. To take risks, be experimental again--to lean into my strengths of what my art is rather than force it to what I think it should be.
I also came to terms with the fact that, despite what my mind was trying to tell me, I was not a bad person at heart. I was cringy and cared a lot, sure, but drawing for myself wasn't selfish, wanting to be self-indulgent wasn't toxic--that I, fundamentally, was an imperfect person but that didn't mean I was bad or evil. Wanting validation for my effort wasn't wrong, but how I went about it before was detrimental to me.
"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source."
I took uncle Iroh's words to heart for the first time and worked to curbed my own ego, which had been the source of my artistic ennui (thanks Inside Out 2, for giving me that word) the entire time. By stepping toward the the edge where my pride had been holding me back, I realized I was not on the top of some great cliff where everyone could look up at me, but rather on a plateau no more impressive than a welcome mat on a porch. I had to accept I had quit climbing and settled in order to find the reason to climb again; once I stopped feeling like it was a race or competition to vie for attention from others, I could pace myself, avoid the exhaustion that had landed me on that plateau to begin with, and accept that I will reach the top when I'm ready, not when I think I should.
Now, at the end of 2023, I am basking in the satisfaction of having enjoyed myself, my art, in a way that healed me. Stopped me from despising my "talent".
I got to enjoy a few hours of going micro-viral on tiktok for Christmas, because I made something I actually wanted to make--something I cared about enough to share. It was unexpected, unplanned, but getting to see those numbers shoot up for something so small was like a stamp from the universe that proved what my best friend has been telling me all these years that my ego refused to latch onto.
"People can tell when you care about what you make, and when it's soulless trend fuel."
So, in conclusion, thank you.
Thank you, @quilandscroll for putting up with me and my dumbass artist ego all these years.
Thank you, Security Breach, for being the spark that reignited my rebirth as an artist, and to all the funny little blorbos I've met and talked to because of that fandom.
And thank you Sun and Moon, the silly, lanky bois that took that spark and turned it into a beacon with which I could navigate my own darkness with; for creating a safe space where I could be 13 again and just embrace my weirdness without fear of punishment.
2024 will hopefully be a big year as well. My goals are to learn to animate on Clip Studio and be comfortable with the system, to get the assets and refs prepped, and to release the first part of Legacy.
I want to share this project.
I want to bring inspiration and joy to the fandom that saved me from myself.
Oh, and if any of this sounded familiar or relatable to you...
I see you, and I love you.
See you all in 2024.
#security breach#year in review#artist journey#self discussion#got deep in my feels today#new years#holidays#struggle bus#looking back#hindsight is 20/20#relatable#artists on tumblr#cringe is dead
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Annabeth is a good person,but not a nice or pleasant one,IMO.
YES.
That’s it. That’s the post. Pack it up everybody, we just cracked the case and cleared up one of the most compelling fights in the PJO fandom since forever. Good job everybody, clap it out and there’s the door! Don’t forget ordering the drinks at Starbucks, Mitch! They’re on me!
Okay, but on a more serious note: YES. YES EXACTLY.
And before some of you roll your eyes or grab your pitchforks – put your biases aside and hear me out for once. I like Annabeth. She’s my in my top three characters only second to Percy himself. I love Percabeth. It’s my favorite ship in the entire series and to be frank, the only ship that I care about PJO wise. Hell, I spend my time creating my own headcanons or writing my own fanfics with Percabeth being the star in them.
But that is not to say that I’m unable to see how certain things have developed over the years or where they stand now in regard to Annabeth. I’m not here to ignore things that have been said and/or done due to or in the name of Annabeth and I’m not here to vilify anyone that doesn’t like her. And I’m here to admit that I’m guilty of some of the things that may be addressed in this meta essay that you will read in just a second. However, I try my best to assure you, that I’m for once able to recognize my own bias.
Warning: a monster essay lies right upon you.
This should count as a paper of its own.
Back to the statement on top: I would go out even further to reframe your claim, anon:
Annabeth Chase is a good character but not a nice or pleasant person.
Annabeth is a wonderful character but she isn’t a nice one. Or at least not nice to everyone. She is (construction wise if I dare say) the best character out of the series. She has her positive traits (she’s caring, she’s emotional, she’s encouraged and volunteers, she fights for what she believes in, she forgives (even if doing so begrudgingly)) but she also has her negative traits (she’s stubborn, she’s brash, changing her mind takes forever, she is prejudiced, she baits others). That balances things out. She is branded as the intelligent kid but does irrational things (like I’ve just said a) she’s a kid and b) she’s not a robot). She should probably know better, but we all make mistakes and hopefully grow and learn from them. The clouds in the sky do blur and cover our visions sometimes.
Annabeth had clashes with other characters or was about to have fights due to her stubbornness or jealousy (Rachel, Reyna, etc.) and has of course her problems with the mortal world and her family but she also found new friends, some things cleared up throughout the narration and she was/is quite popular in Camp Half-Blood.
The thing is: she doesn’t have to be nice or pleasant (as a character). Or at least not all the time. Her character is humanized. That is what or who she is. Human. She does stand out as a character, not just because she’s the (future) love interest. She feels like someone you could meet in real life and either adore from the top to the bottom or declare as your biggest enemy. And that’s totally okay if you lean either way – liking or disliking her. Or even feeling indifferent about her. Also great!
To say that she has been the best character that Riordan has crafted is easy to say, because she has been sculpted after Riordan’s wife. He had a model he could rub some of real-life events or traits on. That’s not the problem. The problem truly doesn’t lie on Riordan’s side for the most part for once.
The problem is inherently on the fandom’s side. What the fandom does, how it acts and how it treats Annabeth as a character is the problem. The problems vary but it’s mostly the mischaracterization of Annabeth, starting fights and fan/ship wars, internalized misogyny (in some cases) and how some of the Annabeth stans lash out (ha, got firsthand experience in that field among many of my friends and mutuals!). There is a reason why many people are wary of people that have Annabeth or Percabeth related URLs.
The fact that we see Annabeth mostly through Percy’s lens and (until the Heroes of Olympus saga hits) we never really see her in chill everyday situations is essentially Riordan leaving the back door of the house open, ready for all of you asshats to rob his mansion in Boston. Because a frame on a character means that we don’t get to see the character in its entirety (unlike we do with Percy in PJO for the most part). That means a bunch of stuff is left open for interpretation which is the reason why Annabeth gets so many polarized headcanon and opinions tossed around. I think that is one of the true appeals of Annabeth. You can add on stuff and it necessarily doesn’t have to contradict itself.
We have people calling her abusive due to a (n admittedly stupid and unnecessary) judo flip and we have people that act like she’s never done anything wrong. People sorta use this excuse to form and shape Annabeth however they want and distort her characterization.
People in the fandom act like Annabeth is some weird prized possession. We perceive Annabeth mostly through the eyes of others (Percy, Apollo, etc.) and when we had some sort of insight in her ways (MOA, HOH) it felt… weird? Somewhat? Like Riordan left two bullet points of her characterization and told the ghostwriter: aight, fuck it up, gringo, see you on Tuesday and greet Fred the next time you see him for me.
There have been many posts lately (by Tharini, Simi, Sawasawako, Jewishpercy and Annie I believe?) that HOO Percabeth felt weird. That they felt weirdly constructed, that there was no conflict, no growth. It felt stagnating, like we’re turning back. We had five books prior where we had Annabeth and Percy slowly shifting from disliking to liking and crushing each other. True development. And when we finally got the cake it felt… dissatisfying. Like the cheap box stuff and not the delicious exquisite taste that we were promised.
I said it previously in my Percabeth ship roast, but let me repeat myself: many Percabeth related things are straight up fanon. Some of it is very old fanon so that’s been unable to distinguish unless you’ve read the books recently and subtract nearly 99,9% of things you see on Tumblr (and occasionally the other shitty parts of the fandom like Reddit, IG, Twitter. Although they mostly steal and recycle tumblr stuff oh well. But back to the topic).
The way people treat Annabeth is so strange. She’s either an innocent fluffy smush baby that’s never harmed a fly and all that she wants for Christmas is being Percy’s lapdog or she’s the devil incarnate, broke into your house, killed your parents Batman style, kicked your puppy and didn’t flush the toilet on the way out. I think this is what mostly makes people hate her or the ship Percabeth. And both extremes are wrong and right at the same time? She is multifaceted so both stereotypes are true and untrue and sorta cancel each other out in the same way.
The true reason why people dislike Annabeth is because the stans are doing the most. (The haters as well, don’t get me wrong, but oh boy. Piss of a stan and you’ll know what I mean). That isn’t inherently new. Are you guys old enough to remember the ship wars that have happened cross platform? Perachel vs. Percabeth? Oh boy, oh boy. I saw some kids on tumblr a few months ago trying to infiltrate both tags and start shit (and also fail). The fact that Rachel still gets used as the bitchy (ex) girlfriend in fanfics? It’s 2020 guys. I know this apocalyptic year is far from perfect and over but I think we can let this trope die, right? Right? I thought we’ve established that Rachel is a pretty chill charcter by now… right?
If you posted your stuff on FFN back in 2010-2013 and it wasn’t the typical cutesy Percabeth story (Goode High, the gods read TLT, punk/prep Percabeth, college AU, etc.) people would’ve come for your fucking throat. Not because the story or the narration was shit. But because the pairing wasn’t Annabeth and Percy (in the sense that Annabeth had to be paired with Percy. I mean Percy gets shipped with everyone and their mother but for Annabeth it was strictly Percy. As annoying as this whole Connabeth thing is – the people behind it actually had a point. She never had a different love interest unless it’s a Percy centered story and he goes off dating Athena, Artemis and Zoe at the same time for some odd reason. Yeah, FFN Percy ships are something). Or it wasn’t the action filled canon compliant story or it wasn’t an AU that was popular.
People were really stubborn, snobbish and wanted their stuff in the four five boxes that were the most popular ones and that’s it. People have been bullied off the site in many fandoms, so it’s not a PJO-only thing but it’s still sad that it happened. (Off-note: most of these FFN tropes are still alive and well and thriving on AO3. Don’t be so snobbish and pretend that every piece you’d find there is a holy grail. There’s a lot of trash you have to waddle through. Same with Wattpad, Tumblr or anywhere else where fanfics get posted. Also had this discussion with Annabeth stans. Sigh).
And Tumblr back then? Forget it, wasn’t much better.
That view has sorta changed (at least for people that have been in the fandom for several years or have managed to find a way to navigate through it) but some of the negative sentiment from back in the day has survived. Be it by new fans coming in or from old fans that never let their stance die. The aggression feels differently and somewhat not. (I don’t know if the anon function had been abused that much back in the day. I was an observer not a participant in the fandom).
Crack a joke at Annabeth’s expense (Kal’s famous “Annabeth is a Republican” post or Dee Dee’s and many others “Annabeth has the education of a second grader, chill with the college plans, girlie” stance) and you have people insulting you, making callout posts, unfollowing and blocking you (based on only that? Okay, honey), making aggressive counter-posts, etc. in a minute. If you respond with “It’s a joke, it’s not real” you have a 50/50 chance of either getting blown off or embarrassing them so that they apologize for once.
This isn’t just about jokes. You can make a headcanon that’s not the cozy cute convenient mainstream saga and people would react the same way. Or art piece (no, not including the whole Tannabeth Blackchase shtick done by Viria and others) or fanfics.
People project so much onto the unfinished canvas that is Annabeth Chase that any form of negative sentiment as little as someone not liking her to straight up criticism, regardless of how tiny it may be, seems like an affront. Like an invitation to a fight. Like an insult to them, their character, everything they believe in. Let me state something:
You are NOT Annabeth Chase. Annabeth Chase IS NOT you. Annabeth Chase is NOT real. Her feeling cannot be hurt. Someone criticizing, disliking, joking about her or even insulting her will not bother her. Someone making a statement about her is not an insult to YOU.
Let me repeat that:
Annabeth Chase isn’t real. Annabeth Chase isn’t you.
So think a little before you act? I get it when you’re a kid and new to fandoms or haven’t been up with fan cultures in the past and are back in the scene. But if you’re in your late teens or even older as an adult and you’re unable to understand that you aren’t what you like – you aren’t the extension of a fictional character – I feel incredibly sorry for you. Because that’s just incredibly sad. Someone disliking something you like isn’t an attack of your character. It shows you that you are you and the other person is a human just like you. That they just have different taste. Disliking something you like isn’t a crime, you know? But me feeling sorry for the way some of y’all act won’t mean that that’s even remotely okay. Especially if you’re no longer in the intended audience for PJO age wise and should know better.
This isn’t a “white stans” only thing. I’ve seen and witnessed firsthand how people of color, mainly women of color, act the same or not even worse when it comes to her character. People have projected their problems and real-life occurring events into her character (I’m sure that she isn’t the only character nor that this is the only fandom where this is happening) and in some cases like I’ve said cannot separate their own personality from the fictional world. Fights with woc happened because of Annabeth fucking Chase. So many things have happened in the fandom the past few months, mostly due to people being forced staying at home because of the quarantine but I’d say it’s 10% on quarantine and 90% on people for acting up like this.
So here’s a little story: There was the act of Riordan blowing the fandom up because of his own stupidity and being unable to apologize for his mischaracterization and lack of research (the whole Piper fiasco) back in June (?) and admits the upset fandom, people on Twitter, Tumblr and Discord legit thought that none of that mattered and that the outcry was destroying Annabeth Chase’s birthday. That’s right. People thought that Annabeth Chase’s non-existing birthday because she’s a fictional character had a higher priority than the rupture and prevalent racism in the fandom. Okay. This isn’t a great look, Annabeth stans. And this of course pissed a lot of people off. I made a post about it and someone not only berated three other people on said post but no, we had a mighty argument which had disrupted many friendships in our circle which haven’t recovered until this very day. We both had our parts in it and no one is innocent. But the cause of this still remains Annabeth Chase or how people prioritize her non-existing well-being. Anyway. I’m getting agitated just thinking about it.
Let’s go back to the characterization thing with Annabeth. Let me remind you:
Annabeth Chase is an asshole. There I’ve said it in a post ages ago (too lazy to look it up, sorry) and I’ll say it again. And that’s not me insulting her. That’s me actually loving that about her. Annabeth is one of the very few unapologetic female characters that really showed all young readers across the world that you can be a girl, a badass, smart, strong, standing up for yourself and what you believe in. You don’t have to be nice. You don’t have to hide your feelings. You don’t need a man in all cases but it’s also okay to accept help and defeat.
A large reason why I think she’s an incredibly important character in children’s literature/YA because many other novels (mostly (sadly)) have the “Oh, I’m a white skinny dark-haired girl that likes unconventional things like READING. I’m not like the other girls, that take care of themselves and pamper themselves by enjoying shopping and wearing make-up. No, I’d rather be one of the boys but a sweet cute little boy and not the jock fuck that drank vodka shots out of a filthy shoe once. Despite me calling myself hideous every man in a 10-kilometer radius falls in love with me and tells me I’m oh so sexy and by the way I’m only 16 years old” shit going on for no goddamn reason.
Yes, I do blame Twilight for this mostly in recent years, but this trope isn’t by any means knew. Pretty sure that you could even use classics as Pride and Prejudice and dissect them in the same manner (Bold statement: Lizzy Bennet is the OG Bella Swan. There. Go fight somewhere in the corner, people). The new wave of YA focuses on girls belittling themselves and only starting to believe in themselves because someone else (mostly the male love interest) tells them they’re worth it. And these books hit the mainstream because they’re incredibly bland and picture perfect white.
With Annabeth it’s different. She shows up for the job and is done with it. (Brie Larson would probably be the perfect in real life version of her. You either like or dislike her. Or you really don’t care). That is what is so refreshing about her. Her unapologetic nature. Can it be off-putting? Yes. Is it annoying? Yes! Hell, every time I read The Lightning Thief, I want to rip her goddamn head off. And it’s just so well written. Her shift from mistrusting Percy but secretly still believing in him to her opening up. Wow, Riordan did something right there.
Annabeth Chase isn’t a young character. She has existed along with PJO for 15 years. She’s on her way to the second decade. I’m pretty sure that with the success of Percy Jackson (and Harry Potter) many lives have been warped and shaped.
But when I say the problem lies mostly in the fandom, it doesn’t mean that Riordan’s completely innocent. The only problem that I have with Annabeth lies not truly with her but the fact that Riordan is only able to produce three variations of female characters:
The sweetheart (Hazel, Silena, Calypso, Hestia)
The strong feminist (Annabeth, Piper, Thalia, Reyna, Artemis)
The bitch (Drew, nearly every female goddess in the goddamn Riordanverse next to every female monster)
And these female characters only know three endings:
End up married with a mortgage, three kids, two dogs and a cat somewhere in Connecticut by the age of twelve
Get dumped into the hunt
Chill on Mount Olympus and only come down to be a nuisance and/or give a cryptic message before going back and doing a godly rave party or something
We know Annabeth as the badass strong female first (or the bitchy character we’re supposed to actually like. Choose your approach), the blueprint so to speak, so some of the other characters feel almost pale in comparison and almost not needed? Doesn’t mean that other characters can’t behave similarly, but it feels kind of redundant especially if their character arcs end in a rather anticlimactic way (Thalia, Reyna). The new additions are the much needed woc as the main story with PJO was inherently white (anyway stan black!Percy and Grover, folks). So it’s not to bash on the new characters, it’s more Riordan’s fault more than anything.
Since Riordan only knows three female character arcs it feels like he tried to copy the formula several ways with different nuances. Some more or less successful. This is where fandom actually comes in handy and helps create more distinguished and fleshed out characters in form of headcanons or fanfiction.
But even in these cases people still make it about Annabeth when it’s time for characters of colors to shine. Remember that whole spiel and discussion that broke out when people (Kal, diver-up, Caitlyn, Bee, reynaisalesbian, etc.) joked about or criticized that Annabeth thinks that she’s having it harder because she’s a blonde? In front of Hazel and Piper? If she would’ve been a real person that’s an invitation for getting decked. And then all hell broke loose because Annabeth stans couldn’t accept the fact that in the real world and/or in fictional worlds the woc/coc have it harder? That the white woman wasn’t the victim that needed the coddling? Yeah, that was mad pathetic.
I hope you people get my point?
Well fuck. I wrote so many things and have the feeling I’ve said nothing. Anyway, I hope I made sense. This is way too long.
TLDR: Chill about Annabeth please. She’s an important character but that doesn’t mean that everyone has to like her, regardless of being a character in the books or a reader/fan of PJO in real life. She isn’t nice or a sweetheart all the time. She also isn’t the monstrous asshole that some try to make out of her.
Peace out.
#Mel answers#pjo#percy jackson#Annabeth chase#percy jackson and the olympians#Percabeth#pjo Meta#Heroes of olympus#hoo#trials of apollo#toa#hazel levesque#piper mclean#reyna avila ramirez arellano#rachel elizabeth dare#pjo fandom#coc#rick riordan#riordanverse
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☕️ + megumi and hojo?
(Give me a ☕️ + a character/ship and I’ll ramble off whatever thoughts and opinion I have about it)
Oho, interesting! Thanks for the ask!
Megumi Tadokoro
Megumi is a character I love and adore. She has given me no choice in that matter, lol. I cannot possibly dislike a character who portrays such a huge amount of real, genuine kindness. Adding to that, she's incredibly easy to relate to (I know that I am not the only one who does).
In my opinion Megumi has had some of the very best moments in all of Shokugeki, especially in it's earlier parts. The Shokugeki against Shinomiya in Trainings Camp is still my favorite battle in the whole manga after all. Her performance in the Autumn Election Premlins was also really satisfying and sweet to see. (Monkfish Preperation Scene Supremacy)
Tsukuda really did great on making Megumi a character that I really want to see succeed.....But that is where the problem comes in.
The problem is that Tsukuda struggles with the Show, Don't Tell-Rule from Central Arc onwards.
Pre-Central, Megumi's character development was solid in my opinion. It was believable and not too fast-paced. But once focus was shifted to Azami-Drama, Megumi and other characters had to take a little step back from the action. And Megumi's character arc started to stagnate.
Through Training Arc. Autumn Elections and Stagiares, Megumi had visibly gained some more confidence in herself and her stage fright problem from the beginning of the series was ceasing. However there was something missing: pay-off. Her character arc lacks proper pay-off.
You see, throughout all of Central Arc Megumi has not won any single fight on-screen. She was given one victory against Shigemichi Kumai but not even second of that fight was actually shown to the reader. But when it's time for a more detailed fight against Momo, she looses.
In her fight against Momo, the judges do find the time to point out tho that Megumi might hasn't been able to beat Momo however there is quote unquote ✨potential✨.
Thing is that the "potential"-thing has been getting old at that point. It felt very reminiscent to Megumi's fight against Ryo back in the Autumn Elections. Ryo was able to win, however it was made clear through multiple dialogue-lines that Megumi did give him a good fight, defying the expectations the audience had from her. So basically that fight was like: Yes, she lost now. But she is on the right path. There is a lot of potential.
The issue is that time has progressed ever since the AE and it was about time for us, the readers, to see that potential unfold.
But we never got that.
We get a lot, a lot of talking about Megumi's potential throughout Central Arc but never an actual showcase of it. And it does not get much better with BLUE Arc either (I mean, what do you expect from that trainwreck of an arc anyway?)
First off, despite all of her potential and her participation in the Regiment de Cuisine & the retaking of Totsuki as a whole Megumi somehow ends up with the lowest seat in the Neo-Elite 10??? And I'm just: Why??? Why is she the only explicitly ranked below Eizan & Nene (who got a massive downgrade) with everyone else far ahead? (Tho the Neo-Elite 10 Ranking as a whole is one confusing mess and I should probably stop trying to bring sense into it if I do not want to go insane, lol.)
The infamous Hot Spring Fight against a Noir is where we finally see Megumi shine a little on-screen (at least in the manga). And well....I enjoyed seeing that but...
It is still not the proper pay-off she deserves, I'm sorry. Because ultimately that Noir-Guy is some random One-Off we never saw again. And that's a problem.
This character had no time establishing himself to us. We barely know him.
To put it into perspective: Satoshi Isshiki beating Julio Shiratsu in the RdC did not feel like a very impressive thing. Because we have only come to know Julio in that one fight and had absolutely no judgement on how powerful he may be (not to mention, that he was mostly placed in a very ridiculous light). It would have been a lot more impressive to the reader had Satoshi won his later fight against Eishi Tsukasa, because Eishi is a character who we have spent a lot more time with and who has repeatedly been portrayed as absurdly skillful and an actual threat.
See what I mean? As much as I loved seeing Megumi being an absolute badass in that Hot Spring Saga...It was not the satisfying pay-off I want for her.
The few victories she gets are always against random One-Offs while her fights against the more important characters are always a loss for her. Case in point: BLUE. She gets anOTHER off-screened match against some Noir in Chinese clothes, whose name I won't bother looking up if he even has one, where all characters talk about how talented she is but once it's time for her to go up against big bad bitch Asahi she looses. And that sucks.
Not to forget the fact that Megumi always gets strung along to every big event but we never get much justification for her participation (other than the obvious Meta-Reason that she's a main character).
Think about it, her and Takumi got extremely lucky in Train Arc by having Rindou giving them a free pass just for the lulz, while everyone else got expelled. Then a good number of messy chapters later, Megumi and Takumi get invited into BLUE without even a shred of reasoning behind it. Why them? How random is it to invite the 1st, 7th and 10th seat but no one else? Meanwhile when BLUE Arc was first mentioned in the manga they told Jouichiro that it's actually extremely rare for a student in that age to get into this tournament. And Jouichiro was a 3rd year back then, what are those three 2nd Years doing there??
The anime at least addressed that by having Totsuki's students fight for the participation (I appreciated that, if only the episode that covers it wasn't so lazily done)
I'd have much less of an issue with that if they actually gave Megumi something to work with in that arc. But really in RDC and even more so in BLUE, she's mostly just there I feel. She barely really impacts the story meaningfully in both of these arcs, I feel.
And it's one big shame.
As I said, I love Megumi and Tsukuda set her up as someone who I wanted to see succeed and defy expectations. Her journey up till Central Arc was a lot of fun and very compelling but then it just...came to a halt. And her arc never got any real, proper closure I feel. She was instead pushed more and more into the background and she just did not deserve that, man.
Never forget that she is one of the mains after all and she should have been treated as one.
damn I did not think this would get this long ahhdhdf
Miyoko Hojo
When realising that Miyoko's speciality is Chinese cooking, I was super excited for her! I really love Chinese food and I've been waiting for it to be covered in Shokugeki up till that point.
I like Miyoko quite a lot, she's definitely one of my faves from the...well, I don't think "secondary" cuts it...the tertiary cast. Unfortunately we've got to see so painfully little of her.
I like that Megumi, in the most Megumi-ways, made her learn a lesson like "Feminism =/= You can not possibly get along with a man. Ever.", but it was also interesting to see acknowledgement of the inequality of men and women within the culinary business through Miyoko.
Miyoko's friendship with Megumi is something I adore and I would have very much liked more of it please. I enjoy the thought of Miyoko, this tough, unapproachable woman, having her face soften whenever this pure, little angel approaches her. Also 100% sure Miyoko would drop-kick whoever gives Megumi a funny look.
I also would have liked to see Miyoko interact more with Kuga, because I imagine it could have been a lot of fun. From the one, tiny interaction they've had I feel that Terunori actually respects Miyoko quite a bit. Which I think is interesting, because Terunori otherwise seems to enjoy bitching at people.
Honestly? If you ask me??? Miyoko should have been in the Regiment de Cuisine.
I'll never get over how she's shown in the audience, alongside Nao, smiling when the rebels are about to snatch victory. Like ahdhFJG, excuse me Ma'am what business do you have just watching??? You can not tell me that from what we've seen about Miyoko that she would not be up to kick Azami's ass out of Totsuki. I generally think it's stupid for the Rebels to go up against the Elites in a number even to them.
Azami. Explicitly told you guys. That you can bring more than that.
You were up against the Elite 10 Council.
YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED ANYONE YOU CAN GET!
YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED MIYOKO
(and Nao as well tbh)
(The Regiment de Cusine could have been a lot better to buy for me if the Rebels had shown up with more participants tbh but that's a different subject)
Anyways, as I said I wish we could have seen a lot more of Miyoko. But it just wasn't meant ot be :( I mean, when characters like Alice and Akira get pushed to the side, what chances does the tertiary cast have?
I'm at least glad that she is sort-off shown being the new president of the Chinese RS in Les Dessert 1? I like that for her.
But yes, ultimately...another criminally underused character. I look forward to write her being a cool mom in my fanfic tho.
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Hey Everyone,
As you have probably noticed, I have neglected this blog for a long time now. I haven’t been on any fandom related social media at all actually. But I figured since I am currently in a good mindset, I want to write a post just outlining some things which basically boils down to a goodbye letter to Supernatural fandom.
Long rambling post below the cut...
This year (and the last) has just taken it out of me in terms of general negativity online both in fandom and in the real world. At first I got tired of fandom (mostly because Twitter is a cesspool of policing and bullying) and then I got tired of everything else (the world sucks right now, and my mental health basically stopped me from being able to participate in any form of online activism – just because I’m not blogging about something, doesn’t mean I don’t support the cause ya know?). Earlier this year, right around the time of the UK lockdowns, I had surgery and a recovery period in which I spent a lot of time with family, and just reacquainted myself with the real world. I think perhaps the coronavirus pandemic made me realise that long before lockdown began I had already been isolating myself from my real life and diving further and further into an online black hole.
It was years in the making. Supernatural fandom preoccupied my thoughts for such a long period of time it got to the point where every moment of my non working time seemed to be spent either online scrolling my tumblr dash or twitter feed, or reading fanfic or doing something fandom related. I invested so much of myself into this show and fandom that I think I forgot who I was before I was a Supernatural fan completely.
After my wake up call in late 2019, which lead me to break free from an extremely nasty clique, I have tried to re-enter fandom on my own terms, as well as attempt to enjoy the source material and the fandom creations to ignite some new spark of love and interest in the show. Yet as much as I have tried, I have failed to do so.
I was thinking recently about someone I used to follow years ago before I ever created a blog. When I was still just lurking in the tumblr shadows and followed the likes of Mittens, Lizbob, and other meta writers of the period, there was a blogger whose name I can’t remember but she was the funniest blogger I had come across. But when the show killed off Charlie Bradbury, she quit. I had never even interacted with her, as I was barely getting my blog started at the time, but I’ll never forget a post she wrote about her feelings on the show. She had recently started watching something else (I think it was Sense8 but can’t recall entirely), and that this new show had given her everything she had never thought she could have from her fave before. She wrote about how her relationship with Supernatural had become abusive. That for years the writers of Supernatural continued to throw punches at fans like her – women, LGBTQ+ people, people of colour, and yet she continued to give it all her time and attention, brushing off the punches because she was so damn devoted to the characters. Then this new show had come along, and it was like she had seen the light. The killing of Charlie Bradbury was the last straw, and she dumped Supernatural’s ass and fled into the arms of her new love.
I hope she is doing fantastically today.
What she wrote has resonated with me for years. I was a fairly new Supernatural fan at the time, and therefore didn’t really understand what she meant. A TV show can’t be abusive. Can it?
Of course, we are speaking in metaphor here, and in no way are these metaphors meant to reduce or limit the truly serious situation of actual abusive relationships, but every now and then, when a new episode of Supernatural has left me feeling upset, disappointed, frustrated and grossly let down, in some cases affecting my mood for days at a time, and therefore my mental health. I have thought back to those words she wrote and quietly agreed with them in my head. Yes. This is a metaphorically abusive relationship.
When I discovered earlier this year that Castiel was most likely going to be killed off in some sort of bullshit self sacrifice before the end of the show, I was extremely distressed. When I found out that my favourite person of all time Misha Collins, supported this ending for Castiel, and may have even been the one who pushed for it, I was more than distressed, I felt betrayed by the person I cared about most. I’ll admit to you all now that in my weakest moments I have fantasized about standing in front of Misha and screaming at him exactly just what kind of affect his “ideal ending” for Castiel will have on his fanbase, on their mental health, and potentially their own safety. This fantasy has me guilt tripping him and doing everything in my power to make him feel utterly shit about the decision. I know what you are thinking – don’t blame Misha, the guy has his own problems and we all know he projects his own self esteem issues onto Cas – and yes, I know this, like I said its only a fantasy to get me through my darkest moments. I don’t hate Misha at all. But perhaps I do love him a little less nowadays than I did back at the height of my fandom life. That’s at least still a little bit more than my feelings for Jensen and Jared which now I can only describe as complete indifference.
I am admitting all of this now knowing full well it will ignite shock and anger among the more die hard fans of J2M, to explain why I need to just leave this fandom completely, or more accurately, why I have already left fandom.
Over the past 10 months of 2020, I have watched a lot of TV (there isn’t much else to do during a lockdown when you are on crutches with your foot in a cast!) and the one thought that occurred to me over and over again was “this show is so much better than Supernatural”.
I kept comparing everything I watched, from the quality of the scripts, the actors, the special effects, to the inclusiveness of the shows. Just so many beautiful and interesting stories that seem to understand their audience, and understand how to entertain and impress without resorting to cringe humour, outdated jokes, and prejudice, not to mention misogyny and queerbaiting – yup, I said it.
The thing is, I think these thoughts have been creeping over me slowly for longer than just this year, but I have been desperately batting them away the way Dean Winchester bats away his own gay thoughts. Unlike Dean though, eventually I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I cannot continue to carve out space in my own soul for this show, which incessantly beats me down regardless of my devotion. The creators, the network, the writers, and sometimes even the cast, have all shown that they don’t care about me as a fan. I’m not some gun toting dudebro living in middle America, so why should they give a damn about me? I’m clearly not their target audience, nor have I ever been.
I know many of you will vehemently deny my personal opinion of Supernatural now. That is absolutely fine. I am sorry to be admitting it, but I had to. I feel like once I finally write out these words, I have got it off my chest and can close and lock the door on Supernatural for good.
Without Supernatural, I am able to focus on my real life, I am able to find pleasure in other things, new things, interesting things, that bring me joy and joy alone – not disappointment and frustration. I found a new job this year, which has been a huge accomplishment as I was stagnating in my old one, and several new hobbies under my belt. I moved to a new flat, I have a lovely flatmate who has been a godsend throughout lockdown, and I have rekindled friendships that I was neglecting due to my Supernatural obsession.
All in all, I am finding post-Supernatural life far more rewarding and content than my life in fandom. It has taken me a while, but I am over the show. And whilst I will always hold a special place in my heart for Castiel, it will be as I know him in my own mind; as the wonderful, strong, powerful and determined angel with a soul, who loves so strongly, and who is worth so much more than his own creators give him credit for. He is up there with Aziraphale and Crowley, with The Doctor, and Buffy, as one of the greatest characters of all time.
So the Supernatural writers and creators can take whatever ending they have decided upon, and shove it up their asses. I am sorry to say that Sam and Dean Winchester are also lost to me. Any love I had for them was destroyed by their later season depictions. Castiel alone is the only character worthy of that space in my heart now. If in time he longs for a companion, I will find one for him, but it won’t be the Dean Winchester of the canon show. Canon Dean hasn’t been deserving of Cas for a long time now.
Perhaps I am still a little bitter about the ending. Perhaps the finale won’t be the disaster I expect it to be, perhaps Dabb will somehow turn it all around last minute following whatever travesty Bucklemming have given us in 15x19. Either way, I won’t be watching.
So this is me saying goodbye to this blog, at least until I have decided what else to do with it. It certainly won’t be a Supernatural fandom blog anymore. It wasn’t all wasted though. I did get a wonderful friendship group out of this fandom, and I have certainly expanded my knowledge of film and television analysis, as well as having enjoyed a great many memes.
I guess in the end, my internal war with my inner bitter Cas girl finished with her winning, and writing this post. Once it is posted however, I will put her to sleep with thoughts of a happy Castiel, who has swapped his wings for a beating human heart, and is living on a beach somewhere beautiful, refurbishing an old Victorian house, and greeting his kindly elderly neighbours. There’s a gay bar on the main strip, and the bartender is quite a dish. Green eyes and light brown hair with a killer smile. Castiel thinks he looks familiar, like a memory from a past life, but they’ve definitely never met, because this man is kind.
Now that she is asleep, there is nothing left for me here. Goodbye everyone. Whether you manage to enjoy the finale or not, I truly hope you too, find your peace.
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2020 Creator’s Self-love Extravaganza
Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 8 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!
I’ve been tagged for this a couple of times in the last few weeks, but haven’t had time/brainpower to work on it until now (but I love you all, and thank you for the tags!!!!)
This is probably going to be filled with nothing but my Tales of Arcadia stuff, as that was where I think my creativity really peaked during 2020. I’ll try to split the list evenly between fanart pieces and fanfics, but honestly, I’m most happy with the fics I published in 2020, especially the 6 parts of the still-ongoing Immortal Bonds series.
8. This doodle of Douxie, Archie, and Nari
One of the only scribbles I did in the month of August that I do not now cringe at whenever I look back at it, haha. It’s pretty rough, I’ll admit, but I really like the feeling it conveys--that this small found family is looking towards an uncertain future together.
7. “You will not touch him!”
This was an experimental sketch in a few ways. It was the first really “thematically intense” doodle I ever tried, featuring an injured Douxie and his absolutely furious Bean Sister. But it was also a fun experiment with hybrid art. After finishing the traditional sketch and scanning it into my computer, I played around a bit with touching it up digitally. All the green in the picture was added in digitally. The actual physical sketch in my book is completely colorless. I later decided that I preferred sticking to exclusively traditional methods, but it was fun to play around with something different for a bit.
6. These Douxie & Archie sketches
The first (and so far, only) piece of art I ever did that broke 100 notes. Apparently, people really love Soft Kitty Snuggles, haha. But I do genuinely love how these two side-by-side doodles show the relationship between Archie and Douxie--how it’s evolved, and how it’s stayed the same.
5. Glitter Wings Nari
Drawing Nari with her glitter wings for the first time was one of the best creative experiences of my year. Up until that point, I’d been putting a lot of pressure on myself to make stuff that looked “good,” and that meant all of my doodles were colorless because...well, I can’t color things “professionally.” But it hit me one day that “Hey. My art is stagnating, and it’s not very fun anymore.” So I ditched all my aspirations of making something “objectively good” and went nuts just making something I loved. I do colored pieces all the time now, and I love them, even though nobody would ever describe them as “professional.”
4. A Moment to Breathe
Moving on to fics now (which is really my area of expertise), A Moment to Breathe is just a wonderfully soft moment of relationship-building between Douxie and Nari. I felt that Nari’s dialogue here was especially good, capturing that dichotomy of ancient wisdom and childlike trust that makes her character so appealing to me. Also a good example of Niki just going absolutely nuts with headcanons regarding magic and the physical sensations that accompany it.
3. Feline Paralysis
This piece was inspired by a prompt from my very, very dear friend @poetryinmotion-author, and was extra special to me because I was able to pull a lot from my own life experiences. Writing from Archie’s perspective for most of the fic was incredibly fun, and I particularly love his stand-off with Merlin in the latter half of the fic.
2. The City Never Sleeps
My first ever ToA fic, and the one that really launched my fandom career here. It was sort of a therapy-fic for myself, a way of dealing with the intense emotions left by the ending of Wizards. It basically just poured out of me in a rush of passion, and somehow, remarkably, is still one of the best pieces I’ve ever done. It’s also, as far as I can tell, the first post-canon Wizards fic published Ao3, so I guess that’s something, haha.
1. A Shot in the Dark
My followers are probably getting tired of hearing me harp on about this one, but A Shot in the Dark was by far the greatest project of my 2020. Unlike my other fics, which were mostly slice-of-life stories about the characters dealing with personal problems and relationships, this was a higher-stakes plot with a slow-burn buildup of dread and apprehension. I was able to push that sweet sweet Hurt/Comfort to the absolute max with this one, and I am so, so proud of how it turned out. It may have underperformed in terms of Kudos/Hits, but I still consider it to be my current Magnum Opus, and definitely one of the highest points of my 2020 as a whole.
I am quite late in getting to this post, so I think most of my fellow creator friends have already been tagged by now. But here’s a couple No Pressure tags: @a-s-levynn and @sergeantsporks. Anyone else who sees this is welcome to jump on board, and make sure you @ me if you do. ✨
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swanto - downfall (nightclub)??? ;👀👀👀
ALRIGHT SO. (i’m grinning just thinking about this stupid au). This all started like nearly 2 years ago when my coworker invited me to go to a club with them. I’d never been to a club before (not my scene and with experience still isn’t). So I go home at a reasonable morning hour but I can’t get to sleep cause on the way back my brain is full of Eli/Cygni brainrot with the silliest idea that basically. what if Eli was undercover in a nightclub (because fanfic plot reasons). And Cygni was there. and then they flirt and hook up. and that was meant to be it. that was the plot. i just wanted random cute one-shot swantos.
and then my brain made angst happen by giving thrawn a bigger role and slapping in some one-sided thranto. so then the fic kept going and we have thrawn meeting eli in the hotel the next morning and being Concerned but also jealous and hurt. and so thrawn confesses he’s got feelings for Eli but eli basically has none of it cause he’s kinda fed up with the manipulation schtick. in this au Pryce and Thrawn never meet and thus never help one another and so eli is stuck as an ensign and we get a lot of thranto angst and possibly some very vindictive space cowboy. it was initally titled “nightclub au” for ages before I gave it the temp. name of “downfall”. I have a playlist for this au also. i just checked and there are 18k words i don’t remember writing all of :’) it’s really fun writing eli/cygni interactions with cygni being a lil snarky and eli getting riled up but also getting snarky right back at him. and also being soft n cute. and also thrawn just pining really hard. and also eli’s frustration at a stagnated career path.
uhhh select snippets under the cut?
- - -
Cygni shrugged. "Spice, Dust, people... not my modus operandi."
"And I'm to believe you?"
"I told you - I'm in no position to lie. Besides, why would I? Is it that difficult to believe I'm not keen on those who profit off of the stuff? I've seen what it does to people. And I'm just me tonight."
"Just 'you'?" A flat statement more than a question. He didn't understand Cygni's words.
"Yes." The damn smirk was equal parts infuriating and attractive and infuriatingly attractive. Clearly there was a punchline he wasn't getting. Whatever. Eli pushed it aside, not caring for games. He cleared his throat.
"So," Eli ventured. "Whatever you're doing, it's not some kind of play. Or trap."
"Of course not. How would I even know you were to be here tonight?" Cygni smiled wryly. "You think if I knew I would show up, considering our previous encounter?"
"No. I don't think you'd be that bold. Or that stupid."
Cygni snorted from across the table. "Well, I'm glad you think so, at least. I'd say we're getting along just fine, wouldn't you?"
-
(at the hotel)
He watched as Cygni shuffled backwards to sit cross-legged on the wide bed. He followed suit and made himself comfortable facing him. The way he leant back and propped himself on his hands was very appealing. Eli let his gaze wander, down along the scrunched creases of his shirt at the shoulder, his arms, a little more muscular than he'd first thought, pale scars catching on his dark skin that gave Eli a twinge of cold uneasy recognition, of remembrance, and to those solid hands that had felt so good on his scalp. He dropped lower down to the drape of his shirt - really if he'd wanted to blend in at the venue he could have worn something a little more... exciting - past the strained fabric of his trousers, nicely fitting, quite tight, actually, and a strange blue-green colour that Eli wasn't sure blended well whatsoever with the pale shirt or dark skin but really he was just focussed on the want for their absence; and then with rising heat down elsewhere, to Cygni's feet. Eli suddenly felt very strange for wearing his shoes whilst on the bed. He gulped, getting back to the matter at hand - that being the growing desire inside of him for the man before him. He raked his eyes back up to Cygni's wry grin, though not entirely free of tension.
He must've had a strange expression on his face because Cygni spoke up in a jovial tone. "Not going to try and weasel some information out of me are you, Vanto?"
Eli huffed quietly, tension lifting. "As if you'd fall for that. And it's Eli," he said, and leant forward to kiss him again. "You can call me Eli."
-
(thrawn confronting eli the morning after. which is very rude of him)
"You are well aware it is against protocol--"
"I know, sir," Eli muttered, pained.
"--and more so it was unwise. There is conduct to follow, Ensign."
Eli flinched. He knew better than to try answering that.
"However, I do not expect any individual to solely rid themselves of any desires they have. As you said, the path of duty can oft impede or interrupt chances at proper rest or indeed.. indulgence. What I wish to understand is that it seems there are those on the Thunder Wasp who would respond positively from such an advance from yourself, and despite regulations I see no reason why you could not engage in sexual activity with those you wish to, whoever they may be,//such colleagues albeit within appropriate timeframes, provided it does not impact your work. Yet you have chosen to ignore this in favour of a different party. I do, of course, notice these things."
Gods what the fucking weirdest thing Thrawn was saying.
"Oh yeah," Eli replied sarcastically, unable to help it now. "I'm sure the Empire’s finest are dying to get a shot at screwing a Wild Space hick who barely made the cut at the Royal Academy and is getting such special treatment – all for being bilingual. Care to name a few?”
"I myself, am one such example."
"What."
-
(after thrawn and eli’s fallout)
Oh right - Thrawn was talking to him. Of course he was. And didn't seem to care that Eli wasn't listening. It's not like he wouldn't notice. He just expected Eli to pay attention to him. Like usual, he expected Eli to give him every waking moment. No time to think for himself, about himself, lest it lead to foolishness.
"Sir?" Eli said bitterly. All of this clamouring in his head was driving him mad. He felt sick. He couldn't remember half of what he'd been driving round and round in his skull, and from the rest of it he couldn't tell if it was his own spiteful hyperbole or if it was truthful. He didn't know which was worse.
A small flicker of something crossed Thrawn's impeccable features. Eli didn't know and didn't care what. He supposed he should. He paid attention. "I was suggesting, Ensign, that you be taken as ill. I have noticed your demeanour becoming--" he paused. muttered something, or maybe just mouthed it. Eli was frowning at him, hardly trying to stop himself, and could see the word was Sy Bisti. Still on translation duty after all these years. Only useful because it wasn't worth the hour programming a droid. Eli's existence could be quantified in a measly number of credits in that regard. And yet he hadn't even bothered to say the word, to ask Eli for that translation. Was he trying to be nice, or polite? What a first. Or maybe he wasn't even worth that anymore.
-
tldr: what if... we hooked up in a nightclub while i was undercover on a mission... and the encounter really gets to some hidden emotional part of me for reasons unknown... and then it turned out my commanding officer has been madly in love with me the whole time but my head’s too busy with whatever spell you put on me when we had sex that one time to even look his way... haha jk.... unless..?
#confuzing#swanto#thranto#listen.... nightclub au is good.... i just need to write it#thank u for asking about it...#i need to express my feelings for this ship somehow#mine#voidfic
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Johnlock and the million-dollar question
The fact is, I hesitate to say anything. That's where I am. I'm not ready to really engage with fandom the way it is now, or possibly ever.
The worst part of the TJLC breaking thing for me is the confusion. Like, I was always invested, obviously, but the main thing is that I felt strongly this subtext and the arc and all that stuff about romance and references to Sherlock's sexuality (like, ASiP, ASiB, TSoT and TAB) were important to the show. Not just there for shits and giggles, or even for representation. I'm not talking about subtext or code: sexuality, romantic attachment and embodiment are actual textual themes in the show. That's the 'rifle on the wall' Ivyblossom references being left in TLD in her recent post, but there's any number of such rifles. Way, way too many for coincidence or anything other than intent. That's the heart of TJLC, to me: that assertion that the show is consistent, that it follows its own continuity. Letting that go is more than letting go of a subtextual gay romance; it's letting go of things in the text *making sense*. My point, however, is that I don't necessarily need to *predict* or to be right about *how* all this works. Am I disappointed there's no kiss, no explicit Johnlock? Obviously. But what I really need is a sense that things *make sense* again. So many tiny plot things led to the 'Redbeard as Victor Trevor' thing, for example, you just *know* Mofftiss are well aware of the queer narrative and take it seriously like all the other aspects of the subtext. So, the million-dollar question: what happened?
Anyway, after Ivy said that about the last conversation in TLD vis-à-vis the situation in TFP.... I had one of my Moments. That special sense of enlightenment, haha. And like, so my *initial* read of the sex reference in TFP was to shrug and dismiss Eurus as being wrong, even though she's set up as not wrong by nature ('cause obviously it's like, not true? who exactly would he have had sex with, and when?), but. Irene's theme and Irene in general is definitely tied in with sex, symbolically, so if Sherlock plays it differently, that's a big deal. So we have that plus the John being 'family' to Sherlock thing, plus John inviting Sherlock to watch the video in the first place.... It adds up. Not to mention the odd, easy and mischievous intimacy of planning that Mycroft caper together after TLD. John pretty much bragged about convincing Sherlock to do it. Like... dude. This is presented very casually, matter-of-factly, but it's no casual thing, y'know? John wasn't speaking to Sherlock not so long ago. And yet... so easy, so suddenly. Hmmm. And, of course, there's Mary making that reference to what they 'could be' together, wrapped up in some spiel about how their private lives and selves don't matter *for the story*, for their public 'legend'. And to all this, they didn't bat an eye. And most viewers apparently assumed this all meant there's nothing else there... never a safe assumption on this show. But regardless, you'd think John, at least, would react somehow, or maybe take the opportunity to bluster or roll his eyes or something, which he always had done before.... Always.
But no. Nothing like that. Ho hum, Mary thinks we're in love and both she and Eurus (and Irene, and Mrs Hudson, etc etc)... possibly everyone we've ever met at this point thinks we could be fucking and probably are already. John reliably reacts to this somehow. Outright denies it sometimes (unless Sherlock is there). Unless it's actually true this time, in which case, you know, it's all fine, isn't it? (Well, obviously? But who cares? It's old news, really.)
Anyway, this placid 'invisibility' of their relationship in TFP happens after their talk in TLD, and we know Gatiss thinks that's the ideal 'married couple'-type relationship for a queer detective.... To me, it definitely adds up, as I said. The narrative works beautifully with that reading. It is consistent! Voila! The test is passed. We have continuity lift-off.
Note that this bare bones approach to character development hasn't been unusual in BBC Sherlock; quite the opposite. They *love* using implicit stuff, hints and hidden corners. ASiB is full of it, and so is TAB and TSoT. Moffat is obsessed, obviously, and he wrote TFP. We know what kind of men they are, don't we? Oh, we do. They barely ever have anything be straightforward, honestly. Would they have Johnlock happen implicitly, almost entirely in the interstitial spaces, depending on the fans to fill in the blanks? Yes. You have to admit they would. Certainly they're both pretentious enough, indifferent enough about people's understanding their intent, and just about big enough trolls for that. And as Ivy also said, they *did*, I think. Essentially, I feel like this level of implicitness is their idea of canon Johnlock, though I'm not without hope we'll get a kiss one day in a Special. After the level of subtext-as-text we see in TAB, I'd say it's definitely possible.
Anyway, Ivyblossom generally sees the surface plus the first few layers of Johnlock subtext, which... is the show. And it struck me that this exact line, that type of reading, *this* is closest to the apparent intent for Mofftiss as of Series 4 (given a full canon and hindsight, since Ivy's overall reading of S3 still works mostly unbroken too). Remember, consistency is important, both in the text and the interpretation. And this is just so like them. To literally have Johnlock happen in the empty space between TLD and TFP is... absolutely like them. It makes sense, *given* you don't assume that the nature of the show would or *could* change dramatically after canon Johnlock, more or less, and given you refuse to believe TSoT and TAB are somehow episodes in an entirely different show.
That vision of BBC Sherlock as an actual romance was always a jump, an assumption made because we, the fans, know that most people are heteronormative and we know they *need* to see 'proof'. But would Mofftiss *care* about heteronormative people and their assumptions, about proving them wrong? No. They've often undermined these assumptions, and they may tease them, they have fun with them, but ultimately I get the feeling they don't care about people who're essentially not smart enough to see what they mean to show them (see their attitude re: TAB). So... it *works*. And you literally see it-- that change, that equilibrium-- in TFP, just like Ivy said. Instead of overt intimacy, John and Sherlock just... click. Hilariously, it's just like all those fanfics had it: no sex during cases, more or less. God, that little twinkle in John's eye, though. There was just that tiniest bit more relaxation; a more confident, mischievous mood, just a bit softer and more open, as appropriate to the circumstances. So subtle. So... John. For example, we know there's increased emotional intimacy between them outside casework 'cause he asked for Sherlock when he found Mary's other CD, but he also supported Sherlock emotionally during the case, reminding him of the need for 'soldier mode' along with a subtle hand on Sherlock's elbow. God. I *thought* that John was back in old-school form in TFP. That was my immediate response! And what would magically bring the old John back...? Two options: bad writing... or renewed and increased emotional intimacy with Sherlock. I vote Sherlock.
God, it's so subtle, so subtle, but they don't *do* casual touching, you know? They never have, really, from the very beginning. They don't touch intentionally but casually, even when they're drunk off their asses in TSoT. Their legs nearly but never quite made contact, remember, and we all thought John's deliberate, not-so-casual famous knee-grope was like a strip tease for them. Both their hugs were a huge deal, and even their handshake was a production. It's certainly not something to do sober, during a case. Remember when Sherlock grasped John by the head and seemed to go a bit fuzzy in TBB? Yeah. Not casual. Oh my God, I'm crying and not falling asleep. I'm seriously, literally crying 'cause that tiny, casual elbow touch is equivalent to canon Johnlock. That's Martin Freeman for you, isn't it? That's Gatiss, too. Wow. Wow. Wow.
My only dangling reservation is about the John characterization in TLD and TST, to a lesser extent. I wasn't as thrown by the violence at the morgue as some, and I accepted his irrational rejection of Sherlock after Mary's death, but it took me awhile to see the importance of their last conversation about Mary and romantic relationships to the two of them. I mean, I could tell not all was as it seemed and we were being heterobaited, but I wasn't clear what was being communicated. I hoped and expected TFP would clarify this, but of course it didn't, really (though honestly, stagnation or regression is actually often the initial, surface appearance of emotional development between Sherlock episodes. I mean, we've had apparent regression between TSoT and HLV, and an empty space within John and Sherlock's relationship between that beginning conversation in TEH and their stable relationship at the start of TSoT). So my initial read of TLD and the conversation was optimistic but confused; it was painful and didn't *obviously* go anywhere. Of course I had hoped for more from The Conversation we all expected in Series 4, though (just like with The Kiss). I had a very hard time actually imagining how it would actually go that was 100% stylistically consistent with what came before, however. Remember, we'd have to go beyond TSoT... and TSoT itself was an aberration stylistically. Anyway, I thought this was my lack of imagination. More likely, my instincts in the past were just saying a conversation that went 'full Monty' or an actual kiss would... break genre or existing show convention, maybe, in some indefinable way. Just instinctual on my part, apparently. So, we get just enough conversation to suggest the 'sort of thing' they'd talk about (romance! Irene! who they really are! hmmm) and the 'sort of thing' they'd do afterwards (cry and hug... Hmmmmm....)
I still hesitate about the extent of John's seeming hatefulness in much of TLD. I wouldn't say his behavior really shocked me personally at any point, but it's hard to entirely cast away other people's understanding of John if I respect their opinion, even when it's significantly fluffier than mine. Most people's interpretation of both John and Sherlock seems to go either a lot more or much less fluffy, in equally extreme measure. Either people seem to believe John (or Sherlock) is an abusive asshole and/or sociopath, or they're harmless babs. It's not like I was ever in danger of thinking John was a harmless bab, but he went pretty far in Series 4, even further than Series 3, and people could barely tolerate *that* much as in-character. So it definitely helped when I saw @thecutteralicia's last response on TLD!John, which brought up his adrenaline-driven violence against Sherlock in ASiB. Obviously, yeah, TLD is much more extreme, 'cause John's at the very end of his rope and convinced Sherlock's literally about to lose it and go rogue drug-abusing vigilante. He's already called Sherlock a monster and yeah, seen him kill a man that he probably shouldn't have. And he really isn't a hero in an absolute sense any more than Sherlock is. The entirety of TLD was about breaking that down narratively, and *then* having Sherlock accept him anyway, the way he finally accepts Sherlock.
So does this mean their relationship is abusive and Sherlock is martyred? I agree with the TLD!John post on that, too. They're both messed up characters, and the show has not been shy about this; it's not subtext, and in fact it's part of the very last few things the show tells us about the two of them (the two junkies solving cases for ulterior purposes, etc). It doesn't go one way only, regardless of the tally of their respective offenses against one another, which character fans are so fond of. Besides that, on a more abstract level, suffering for love is not the same thing is being abused, in the context of romantic angst within its genre. That's how it works. You take it or leave it if it's not your bag, more or less. Anyway... this sort of reasoning always came naturally to me, though as I said, I know too many people who've got a much softer interpretation of John (even John at the end of his rope). It's easy for me to connect the dots now that I've started. It's obvious, really.
I'm happy. As far as I'm concerned, we did get canon Johnlock, suuuuper implicit as it is. For all my gushing about loving the cases this series, I'm all about the boys. Of course I'm happy. Am I *satisfied*? Well... such is not the nature of humanity. People think we're crazy now more than ever before, obviously, so I resent Mofftiss just a bit for that. Partly, it's just being seen as insane and/or brainwashed indefinitely, which you could argue I've grown used to in fandom (... not really; actually, it sure gets old, lemme tell you). Yeah, that really sticks in my craw, no way around it. Aside from that, it's a shame that most fans as well as casual viewers-- and even many TJLCers now!-- simply won't appreciate that this is a beautiful love story. Maybe not even in 20-50 years when heteronormativity seems quaint, if they still watched the show, because people will always prioritize the surface narrative. Granted, of course, some special 10 years from now doesn't settle the matter, finally, when no one cares anymore. That seems like Mofftiss, doesn't it? But I'm still the person who wrote all those posts about how I need John to be declared bisexual, after all. I think I've processed a lot of that with my feelings about the representation of Adam Parrish in The Raven Cycle, another undeclared bisexual. I'm sympathetic to both sides of the debate, but the fact remains that I really love the portrayal of both Ronan and Adam in The Raven Cycle, so this can't help but influence my feelings. It works, it's consistent and I enjoyed it: that seems to frequently be enough for me. Obviously, there's a significant difference in that The Raven Cycle actually has an explicit, canonical relationship and an actual kiss between Adam and Ronan (though plenty of people in the fandom still thought they were robbed compared to the het couple). So... that sucks. If you think that's not acceptable, that's certainly a valid way to feel. As *representation*, BBC Sherlock definitely sucks the big one. There's no way around that. As a *story*, though, it's as frustrating and wonderful but as consistent as ever (which... suggests there's plenty of plot holes and/or dangling threads to go around, surely, but not about the things that really *matter*).
Basically, I understand if it's not enough for others, and there's good reason for that. But this is where I am. Not quite thankful, but definitely relieved. And maybe not hysterically blissful, but certainly happy, just because I know that's how Sherlock and John Watson canonically feel... as of the end of TLD and into their future as partners, with their private life remaining firmly private, it would seem. Partners in detectiving, in romancing, and-- God help me-- parenting, too. A family in every way.
PS: because *this* is the thought literally haunting me at night (and it's almost 6am, man): Jesus Christ, I can't believe they've done the do! OMG. John, you dog you. hehe I really wanna see how it all went down, but. I guess if you wanna see something done right, ya gotta do it yourself. Again and again and again (.... right, John?)
PPS, even later at night: hopefully @ivyblossom will write it before I have to take such extreme measures, particularly before breakfast, ehehehehe.
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Hey, not a question but I just wanted to tell you that I'm currently reading your Iron Man fanfic and I love it so much! I hope you've seen Endgame already. So you know how much I needed to read something like it.
Hiya!
Yes, I‘ve read your amazing review. Thank you so much for taking the time to write a review (and such a long one at that!). I want to address a few things that you’ve mentioned in your review.
First, I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to write only 15 chapters. College was time-consuming and muse-draining. Now, I’m out of college, I’ve just moved countries (I live in London) and I’m looking for a job in publishing/media. I’ve got a lot more time on my hands but unfortunately, the muse is still fickle and Endgame broke me. I went to see it on the day it came out in France and god, the heartbreak, the tears, the PTSD. It’s just... I have no words. My grief was terrible. I remember coming home and just crying. Isn’t it strange that a fictional character can have so much impact on a normal person? But then, I’ve been living with Tony and Pepper since 2015, trying to write the rest of their story, so I suppose it makes sense that I can’t stay indifferent to their fate.
To go back to your question about college, I’m happy it’s behind me. It’s not that I didn’t love studying English literature, I really did, but I stayed seven years in college and I just couldn’t take it anymore. It felt like I was stagnating. I did an internship in a publishing house in Paris after leaving college but it was for school books so, not it wasn’t very exciting but I learned a lot and my former boss was super nice. So now I’m in London, looking for something in publishing. I hope I’ll find soon because looking for work is not my favourite activity, by far.
Anyway, let’s stop talking about my life before I bore you to death. I am so glad you like the story. I have (metaphorically) bled for this story and I’m just so grateful when somebody tells me it’s one of their favourite. Means I’m not fooling myself trying to finish it. By the way, just so you know, I’ll never abandon the story. It’s taking me ages to write and all but I absolutely adore writing it and I’ll definitely give it a proper ending. Also, my beta reader (who’s a good friend of mine now) would hound me till the ends of the earth if I didn’t finish it. So there you go. My advice for all readers is to set an alert on the story. So that you can move on and get back to it when I’ve finally managed to update. Speaking of updates, I’m editing the next chapter as we speak, so ch.16 should be uploaded in the coming days. (Yay!)
I have to say, I did not think of Pepper becoming Iron Woman at all. I suppose it could have happened but no. In my head, Pepper is too logical to think of ever becoming a super-hero. Although that does not mean she never would, she’d only do it because she’d seen it done before. Like in Endgame. I literally punched the air when I saw her as Rescue. She was SO BADASS. I fell in love all over again with her character. I think Tony did too (cue for tears).
Writing in English means more readers, yes. It also means I get to practice my English in a way I didn’t get to in college (they don’t do Creative Writing courses in France, which is a shame.) And kudos for you for learning French. It’s really not the easiest of languages (compared to English at least) and that’s awesome that you’re learning it. Courage! Tu peux le faire!
I wish you luck with your studies and your writing.
Love,
opheliahamlet
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