#i started to share things on tumblr about it my investment for it got smaller | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

matan4il · 3 days

Note

Im currently doing a simple poll on my other account what Tumblr thinks of a Free Palestine and I say the results so far are a little concerning

And then two comments so far:

ardwolff: That's like saying we give a small chunk of land back to the indigenous American people and keep the rest for ourselves while we "live in peace" -- y'all do realize a Palestine historically was home to Jewish people and can be again if we abolish the Israel - backed apartheid ethnostate. No theocratic ethnostates should exist. They are inherently unjust

beigale-shtuchim: hey buddy what happened to the jewish population in MENA states?

Hi! First off, sorry that it took me so long to reply, I am getting so many asks, and I do not have as much time to reply as I would like, despite doing my best to find it... But I hope you know that I appreciate everything you do!

Thank you so much for doing this poll, and for sharing the temporary results. Do you have the final ones? If so, I hope you consider adding a link to them here.

There are different strategies researched in psychology about how to persuade people to come around to your position. It actually started out with marketing, but can be applied to any campaign aimed to get the public to subscribe to a specific position. One of them is the "foot in the door" strategy, a term that comes from those salespeople who show up on your doorstep, trying to sell you stuff you weren't even looking to buy. Their first challenge is how to keep you from slamming the door in their faces. If they right away offer you to buy something big and expensive, which you don't even need, you're likely to do exactly what they don't want. But if they get you to agree to something small, then they "got their foot in the door," you won't slam it in their faces 'coz you agreed to something small, and now they have you engaged. And the more engaged you are, the more invested you become. If you've already said yes to the small thing, you're now invested, and they can start talking you into why, if you're gonna buy this thing anyway, a bigger and more expensive version makes more sense.

The way it is defined here: "The foot-in-the-door technique (or FITD) is a strategy used to persuade people to agree to a particular action, based on the idea that if a respondent will comply with a small initial request then they will be more likely to agree to a later, more significant, request, which they would not have agreed to had they been asked it outright."

That's what the anti-Israel movement basically did. They started out with a smaller, more reasonable request, for people to care about the "Palestinian problem" (which means they were getting more and more people invested in it), and agree to a Palestinian state alongside a Jewish one. That wouldn't be as hard for people to agree to, especially since Jews themselves had agreed to that notion back in 1947, when they accepted the UN partition plan. Then, once people are invested in caring about the Palestinian problem, the discourse switched to how Israel has no right to exist as a Jewish state, and the only solution is to destroy it. Now all of a sudden, if you really care about Palestinians, then it's not enough to support a two state solution, you have to be against Israel, you have to be against Zionists, you have to be against the Jewish right to self-determination, anything less than that, and you are failing the Palestinians (who by now are depicted as the world's greatest victim, even though there is plenty of comparison data to refute that notion). And you do care about the Palestinians, right? So you gotta be against the Jews. Sorry, Zionists.

Also, I would love to hear what chunk of the land @ardwolff lives on they gave away to native people, while they're so willing to distort the history of Israel and erase the native rights of Jews here, making us the only native nation to have returned to its ancestral land, only to discover the world wants to displace it again. First it was done by the Romans 2,000 years ago through colonialism, now it's "in the name of" anti-colonialism (as its been packaged by your friendly FITD seller), but by punishing a native population, it's playing right into the hands of colonialists still...

I hope you're doing well! xoxox

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

80 notes · View notes

authortobenamedlater · 2 years

Note

Um, hi, hello. I was just wanting to know. I was reading your Keeping Up With the Raptors series (sorry, that gives me a little giggle because the Raptors are the basketball team in Canada so I still have trouble connecting 'Raptors' and 'hockey', sorry, anyway) on Ao3, and I was just curious to know if you ever think you'll write more? For that series? Cause I think it's really cool and quite well written. And I'd love to know how it's supposed to end. No pressure if it's something you've abandoned, just wanted to know. Thanks.

Also, thank you, because it's rewoken my love for my original works and characters and I'm going crazy about them all over again, and I'm actually writing about them again. A little, anyway. So thanks for that. :)

Sorry that sound you just heard was my body hitting the floor in shock that anyone is reading that series.

You know, I think I’d planned to make a joke about the Toronto Raptors sharing a name but I never got around to it?

If I did continue KUWTR, I’d have to do a bit of a reboot on it. Especially considering Seattle has a hockey team now. That’s why I orphaned the series; it was cluttering my profile and probably not continue-able in its current form.

Honestly, the lack of engagement with KUWTR and original work in general killed my motivation (hence my shock at getting a message on it, haha). I started writing it to prove to myself that I was a “real” writer after doing mostly fanfic for my entire life. But after awhile I felt like I was just writing into a void. With almost no feedback, I didn’t know what was working for the audience or if I even had an audience. I also floundered with trying to write a long-form/novel story, as that’s never been my strength.

KUWTR also required a lot of legwork. I had to dig pretty deep into the inner workings of the NHL and hockey culture and shotgun several things I couldn’t find. It was just plain exhausting and I wasn’t getting a whole lot in return. Once I got married and had kids I couldn’t dedicate the time anymore, hence my return to fanfiction where I could have fun writing with less time investment—and a lot more engagement on my stories. I’m not as active in sports fandom as I was before kids either, and I live in an area now where professional sports aren’t much of a thing (college football, on the other hand…) so it’s easy to lose touch.

I do, however, still think about KUWTR a lot. I love those characters and it means so, so much to hear that someone else loves them too even 10-ish years after the last update. I’d planned to have the series end with Hank’s retirement. But then I had some ideas for his daughter’s adventures playing for the US national team. 😂 So who knows when it would really end? If I rebooted the series, I think I’d make it a smaller focus on Hank and his family. Trying to include half the team as main characters was overwhelming and looking back, I’m sure it contributed to the series’s decline.

I can’t thank you enough for this ask. For real. It’s made my whole day to know even one person likes that universe I spent so much time crafting. Now that I’m “established” on tumblr and AO3, maybe KUWTR would get some more readers? It’s certainly worth thinking about. ❤️

#ask box open #asks #hockey #nhl #keeping up with the raptors #original fiction #my writing #writing #hockey fic

5 notes · View notes

inthecarpets · 3 years

Text

What’s the fandom you wish you forgot every memory of so you could actually enjoy the content once again instead of feeling reluctance?

#(by fandom i mean people liking the beloved series/game/whatever of choice)#carpet talks #idk for me its dmc which is like. hnnn nothing extraordinary happened but then i remember it was my fave game of all series and once #i started to share things on tumblr about it my investment for it got smaller #and some of shippers made it burn out even faster #similar with OSR tho i never got that much into it fandom-wise i guess? My fave anime from the childhood tho. i just somehow got burn out #after joining OSR discord server (which wasn't even a bad server bc i actually liked it and even met someone there)#:v

1 note · View note

lunarfortune · 3 years

Text

busts open tumblr's door, I'm gonna crosspost both of my threads from twitter for convenience and make them considerably wordier. This is not solely my own ponderings but shared brain thoughts with @tahthetrickster

STRAP IN because I’m going to take the League tag on a wild ride involving these three gals and how relationships form between them.

Long post under the cut! 2.5k+ words

(updated 13 june 2023 to add fic)

We start with the most important part of this entire thing, developing the relationship between Sarah Fortune and Shyvana. Why would they even interact?

Because Ruination.

Wait, no, come back, not that one.

Very important note here that what kicked off this entire thing was literally me seeing Ruined Miss Fortune get revealed and thinking, hmm what if Ruined MF/Ruined Shyv, would be a shame if I thought too hard about that and got invested...

Much of this plotting was prior to Sentinels of Light event launching, so if you hated that, good news! It has zero bearing here.

So let's actually get to the girls. There are certain visual headcanons to take note of

For heights, Sarah is about 178cm and Shyvana comes in at a respectable 201cm. (Kat will come into this later but she is 181cm).

There are several things about Shyvana's design that irk me, so for the purpose of this au her traits are adjusted to emphasize her half dragon nature. She has digitigrade clawed feet, because giving her clawed heels is massively dumb, just make her digitigrade Riot. She leaves her Dragonguard armour behind under Jarvan's recommendation, so rather than the large, impractical "horns" from the helmet, she has much smaller real horns that are about 8-10cm large. She also bears a tail about \~91cm long in human form. Also her ears are pointed! Ruined Shyvana has pointed ears but base Shyvana does not, which should be a crime.

* These values are rough estimates bc frankly I'm just ballparking

Worth noting! Being a half-dragon and considerably more reptilian than a human, Shyvana does not have breasts.

First row 1) Official splash 2) LoR promotional key art

Second row 1) LoR Lv2 art 2) LoR lv1 art

Second image promo art that appears on patch notes sometimes

Barring one outlier (the key art) we can agree she is mostly depicted with some sort of hard plate scaling on her chest? So put a bit more emphasis on her being somewhat flat-chested, it will make more sense if Tah ever posts any writing referring to Shyvana's chest/pecs.

also she doesn't have external genitals but anyway this is just relevant for Tah's Kinktober collection

During her stay in Bilgewater, Shyvana wears mostly casual garb appropriate for the region, so attire such as this, with digitigrade style boots/sleeves (things like this) for traversing around the city with. Would you roam Bilgewater without some sort of footwear? I didn't think so.

Post-Harrowing many of those under Viego's possession retain some sort of visual indicator of what he did to them. Often this can be a streak of white hair left behind from their possessed form. For Sarah, she has a bold splash of white near her left temple. Shyvana bears one near the nape of her neck.

These are actually not too important in the long run, but immediately following the Harrowing and for Sarah's case especially, they are marks of betrayal and distrust. It leaves Sarah largely stuck at home and unable to conduct business as normal in Bilgewater proper for some time because its citizens are too volatile and it's better to just allow time for things to settle down and not rile them up further.

***

Shyvana finds her way to Bilgewater as a result of the intense distrust Demacians hold for her after the incident with Viego. She arrives as a sort of political refugee, Jarvan having petitioned to Sarah for her safety while Demacia struggles to restabilize. Many in Demacia want to see Shyvana permanently imprisoned or worse for her role in Viego's Ruination, and so Jarvan privately sends a missive to Sarah seeking asylum for Shyvana until it's safe for her to return.

Bilgewater isn't exactly the optimal choice but realistically there aren't too many people Jarvan can approach about "hey can you potentially host the half dragon that was involved in that disastrous near cataclysmic event we all just went through recently?" What with having been involved as well, Sarah understands. As previously noted, Sarah herself also faces an elevated level of distrust for her among Bilgewater denizens, resulting in her delegating affairs mostly from her own residence with Rafen's assistance.

Given that Sarah is for the most part stuck in her own home, you could say she's... experiencing a bit of boredom. This winds up being part of why she agrees to Jarvan's request, like okay, sure, send the dragon over, it couldn't end up being any worse for me than it is right now. A temporary housemate could give her something else to focus on. Both Shyvana and Sarah are initially told this could be months at most (but stabilization and rebuilding in Demacia takes longer than Jarvan anticipated so this ends up being over a year).

Sarah and Shyvana both suffer trauma from Viego's possession. Reminded of the cold, dark grip of the Mist, neither finds sleep easy to come by. While Viego may be gone, in some respects part of Sarah and Shyvana's minds are still trapped in the Harrowing, fearing that they could abruptly become aware that they are still possessed, that Viego was never defeated. They can't trust themselves, and they can't trust others. Being somewhat of a soldier and having the extended endurance of being half-dragon, Shyvana is able to make do with what little bits of rest she can catch. Sarah meanwhile is running on empty.

Exhaustion eats at her, she hasn't slept other than periods of time her body simply gives out, and she knows she can't deal with this for much longer. For the first few nights after Shyvana comes to Bilgewater, she lays awake listening to Sarah wandering restlessly through the villa. Only by sheer coincidence does Sarah (and Shyvana shortly after) find any sleep, abruptly passing out in Shyvana's grip after venting her frustrations in a fit of exhausted delirium. Realizing the following morning that she fell asleep at all, she latches onto a theory. It's silly, she realizes as she relays it to Shyvana, but so far it's the only lead she's got. If the terror of the Mist's cold embrace is what keeps her awake, would Shyvana's inherent warmth combat that? Could she rest without waking in fear that she's still controlled by the Mist? Shyvana doesn't mind entertaining this theory; if one of them can sleep at all she'll consider it beneficial. Being human though, Sarah gives off comparatively little body heat, unlike the elevated body temperature of a half-dragon.

Something something "there was only one bed" trope, except make it "we are deeply traumatized and sharing a bed out of necessity so we may feasibly get some rest and feel comforted by the warmth we give each other, otherwise the sleep exhaustion will eventually end us." So this mutual bed sharing frames much of how their relationship develops in the months following, because it's awfully hard to literally sleep with someone and not come to get to know them and grow close to them.

The closeness is not really a problem, until one Sarah Fortune abruptly realizes that her typical casual flirting is decidedly crossing into more... genuine territory, though thankfully Shyvana is seemingly oblivious, which was fine up until "oh gods am I pining." Add to her later mortification the fact Shyvana liked her as well but just assumed the flirting didn't mean anything since people don't typically like her and Sarah is a notorious flirt anyway, so she just kinda humoured it and inadvertently led Sarah to think she wasn't interested. Finally realizing their feelings are mutual though, the two do agree to trying a romantic relationship.

I know Kat's tattoo and scar are backwards, Shyvana's LoR key art is just goofy looking and looks worse flipped, accept it for the aesthetic

So with setting up Sarah and Shyvana out of the way, we move to Katarina and Shyvana. These two inherently cannot be a thing without developing Sarah and Shyvana first. All of this is set up with background Sarah/Kat; they have known each other for some years, and Kat is known to drop by Bilgewater on occasion in her downtime. They deny being anything more than friends with benefits at best, which.. will change later lol. But Sarah/Shyv is important because the relationship Sarah has with Shyvana affects a lot of how Kat treats her afterward, and Sarah's trust for Kat is what drives Shyvana to in turn pay more attention to Kat and regard her favourably later. Sarah's encouragement of Shyvana embracing her draconic nature rather than forcing herself to be more human is also a large part of what later sparks Kat's interest.

Since Sarah will never know ahead of time when Kat decides to pop by, the first time she does so while Shyvana is staying in Bilgewater goes quite.. disastrously, to say the least. The two have no respect for one another, and squabble frequently. Try as she might to put the presence of an infamous Noxian assassin currently in the house with her out of mind, Shyvana realizes that Kat does certain things with deliberate intent to rile her up. Several days of this is enough for Sarah finally to snap.

Snippet courtesy of Tah. (THIS IS OUTDATED NOW I THINK BUT YOU GET THE IDEA)

Kat is content to take "be silent" to heart and just ignore Shyvana outright. She has no reason to play nice with a good little loyal Demacian. As far as she's concerned, there's nothing to be said between them that wouldn't get her angry. She does question Sarah as to why she cares so much of this little fling of hers, which Sarah regards with some confusion. It's certainly not a fling, and in fact, Sarah may not even be around now if Shyvana hadn't come to her when she did. The long period of sleep deprivation had been taking its toll on her, and she had been very much near the end of her rope.

Listening to how fondly Sarah speaks of the half-dragon, it is with great horror that Kat realizes she had been wrong about certain assumptions (namely telling Shyvana that she was nothing more than a toy Fortune would eventually tire of) and she has to make an apology (largely for Sarah's sake, of course). While not.. impressed by this debacle, Kat apologizing at all (and seemingly in great pain doing so) does leave Shyvana curious and she decides maybe there is something to her after all.

The two don't inherently get along after this but over the months they warily regard each other and come to find a sort of kinship in both being disillusioned soldiers, that neither is the mindless loyal soldier that the other thought. Being in neutral ground at Sarah's residence and finding common ground with each other, gradually they relax around one another. Kat's visitations no longer puts Shyvana on guard, and Shyvana's presence is one Kat accepts without ridicule. Sarah could not ask for a better outcome! With this slowburning friendship of sorts the two start to develop, Shyvana realizes that when she thinks about the things she has learned over the months, there is certainly more to Kat that interests her.

She likes her, in fact.

It's a simple thought, and Shyvana chews on it for a while. Kat intrigues her, provides a good sparring partner and is clearly physically attractive but if Shyvana approaches this carelessly then Kat could very well rebuff her instantly. So she waits patiently. She lets their relationship, both the budding one between herself and Kat and the three way one with Sarah, flow naturally, until one day seeking advice from Sarah on the prospect of potentially courting Kat.

***

It really is hard to condense months worth of discussion and character exploration into a single post but this sure is an attempt. There is so much more we have discussed but also like... ultimately this is our big headcanon playground we have built up, this thing is essentially our baby there will be one of those too

. When the Kat/Shyv aspect forms, it in turn drives Sarah and Kat to accepting there is more between them than they've ever allowed themselves to think. It's a very slow process of the three of them, each with their own baggage and hang ups, learning to slowly trust one another with the pieces of themselves they can't entrust to anyone else.

This has been absolute HELL for me to type up but if anyone else enjoys it then worth ✌

Tah's currently posted works involving this pair:

Manicure - Sarah/Shyvana, Teen+

My Favorite Most Dangerous Fascination - Misc pairings, Explicit, Kinktober (slow updates but planned Kat/Shyv and Sarah/Kat/Shyv at a later date) (MAYBE)

I HAVE FINALLY UPDATED THIS 13 JUN 2023 WITH SOME OTHER STUFF WAHOO

Morning Routine - Sarah/Shyana, Teen+

Redolent of Romance - Misc, Teen+, Twitter prompt drabbles

Animal Oddity - Sarah/Shyvana, Mature, THE BIG ONE THE MAIN EVENT THE LONGFIC (Chapter 2 up!) ✨✨✨

Miscellaneous tidbits that are not chronological:

While Shyvana may be called Ana by some Demacians like Jarvan and the Dragonguard, Sarah and others call her Shyv. Rather region appropriate because a shiv is also a homemade knife, and Bilgewater isn't lacking those

Bilgewater simply does not care in regard to Shyvana being half-dragon. They have fish and reptile people and all manner of oddities, Shyvana is frankly just another day of the week. It's something that surprises her initially, being so used to being regarded unfavourably in Demacia simply for existing, though she understandably comes to find it a relief.

Sarah likes braiding trinkets into Shyvana's hair, including ones bearing her own crest. She's not claiming Shyvana, what makes you think that

Stretching dragon peets

Shyvana tends to workout and do some personal training sessions in the morning to stay in shape since she's not on duty for the time being.

Kat and Shyvana's first spar was Kat looking to prove a point and getting her ass handed to her. While a bit shameful (Kat is Not Immune to strong buff women!), it's been a long while since either had had a strong opponent so sparring becomes a habit when Kat drops by. Which she also complains about because she is also off duty, Fortune your dragon is making me work 🙄

Sarah took one look at Shyvana's Dragonguard armour once and laughed her ass off. Oh hun, no, who made this, you're better off just relying on your natural dragon scale. She later had some more appropriate styled armour made. She has her own forge and has a better eye for metalwork than.. whatever that red mess was.

While the Sentinels event never happened here, the skirmish between Shyvana and Vayne did in some aspect, and Shyvana retains some scarring from Vayne's bolts that sometimes ache with incoming bad weather.

Shyvana does make periodic visits back to Bilgewater when she returns to Demacia, and she and Sarah exchange letters while they are apart. Curiously she experiences feelings of homesickness despite being home and it takes her a while to realize that sometimes home is not necessarily the place you live, but the person you love. (Sarah is absolutely NOT acknowledging the deep pining she was struck with after Shyvana left, Rafen will say it was quite sad and pathetic to watch though) This eventually leads to Shyvana making arrangements to relocate to Bilgewater as a sort of ambassador.

Sarah has several pets: a three-legged cat named Scurvy, a spectral shark named Atlas, and a spiderling (roughly the size of a housecat) named Mila. Mila is one of Elise's spiders and is part of... an entirely different can of worms I'll have to explain sometime 😭 but she grew on Sarah. Sarah knows when they've spotted a fly because both cat and spiderling will sit together watching patiently. (GUESS WHAT RUINED KING SAYS MY HC OF ELISE SOMETIMES HUNTING IN BILGEWATER IS VALID THO)

Some years down the line and through the aid of some magics that took a lot of work to find, the three have a daughter together named Adeline Fortune. Addie bears genetics and characteristics of all three of her mothers; it's a fantasy world, don't think too hard about it.

#League of Legends #Miss Fortune #Shyvana #Katarina du Couteau #drops my 'half dragon and her two feral redheads' agenda #also rafen is gay #i'm going to be honest i'm mostly putting this on tunglr for tah #anyway i spent a century on this and the post editor is so different to me help #guess what tag i can add to this now #gunblaze #emberlotus #edited 13 jun 2023 #the only thing i added was tah fic everything else is still my ugly original post

51 notes · View notes

skaylanphear · 3 years

Note

Hi there! Do you have any advice on improving traction towards a fanwork/fic? I love writing—and it's not for notoriety by any means—but having validation and feedback also feels nice (I hope that's not conceited). What would you recommend to someone without a large audience/follower base? I do "advertise" on tumblr when my work is written/updated on AO3. How did your journey start? Thank you!

This is an interesting question and I doubt most people are going to like the answers, but here we go:

So, first and foremost, you need to be realistic about why you're creating in the first place. If you're doing work in a fandom that is older, where content has stopped coming out, or that is simply smaller, you're not going to get much engagement, period. There will, of course, be activity in these fandoms, but it will be far less and the people involved—while they may view your work—will be less likely to comment/spread it around simply because there's not much going on. So if you're creating in that sort of environment (which can be a really good environment if you're looking for something chill with no pressure), then you have to be prepared for low engagement, even if the people you do meet and who are willing to talk about your work are more regularly in your sphere. You can probably make better/closer friends in these sorts of fandoms, if you're willing to try.

But, on the other end of this, if you're coming into a huge fandom late, it's also going to be harder to wade through the massive following to get your stuff out there. For example, in both the Miraculous and Sk8 fandom, I started work pretty early on, when the shows were still gaining traction, and so my "name" as a creator gained traction parallel to that growth, as opposed to when I started writing in the Voltron fandom. With Voltron, I came in super late and so what few fics I had that did gain traction took a lot longer to get there because people already had their fav content creators in the fandom, etc. It's not impossible to get popular in this situation—far from it—but it does take longer.

You'll also benefit from having finished works early on in a fandom's lifespan, at least with writing. This is because there's less competition for views and so more people will be filtered to your work, initially. This means that you have a better chance of getting those comments and kudos. Having a finished work increases this engagement because people look for finished works before works in progress. Generally, the length of a fic doesn't matter much for popularity, so long as it's DONE. When I was writing in the ML fandom, quite a few of my earlier fics were shorter, and they compete in popularity with my longer fics, because people care more about having a finished story, not a long story. That's why when it came to Only Practice Makes Perfect in the Sk8 fandom, I worked hard to get that shit done, because it was the most popular story I had in the fandom and I decided—like an idiot—to make it a long fic. Which, yeah, means people probably love it/remember it more in the long run, but if I hadn't finished it in 2 to 3 months, I'd have lost considerable traction as far as making a name within the fandom.

This leads into one of the most important points, if not THE MOST IMPORTANT point in gaining an audience—consistency. If you do want to be a successful creator, you Have To Be Consistent. This is the most difficult hurdle for all creators, and it is oftentimes impossible to make happen. If you want to aim for professionalism, which a lot of fandom creators don't care about (which is fine), then consistency is how you get there. Nobody wants to read a fic or follow an artist who doesn't stick to creating what they start (RIP all my unfinished works and the people who left me as a result, LOL). Using my most recent works as an example, I very, very, very consistently updated Only Practice Makes Perfect multiple times a week. To the point where people got comfortable expecting it, which is the key variable here. When people become comfortable that you will regularly create content, they not only stick around, but will be more interactive with you and your work. Nobody likes the disappointment of getting involved with a work only for that work to rarely get updates. Most people don't have the attention span to care. I'll admit, if I read a fic that's not finished and the writer takes one week to update, then one week, then THREE weeks, I probably will, like, forget about it. That's just life.

The best thing you can do is schedule. And again, this is the HARDEST thing to do, because it holds the creator to a deadline. Most people who create in fandoms don't want that kind of pressure—and that's fine. I go back and forth on when I have scheduled releases and when I don't, depending on what I'm aiming to do. But if you to retain your audience, telling them that you will update a work regularly on such and such a day and such and such a time, it creates something for them to remember. If they're invested in your work, they will think, "oh, it's Friday, that means such and such is coming out with something new." But, with that in mind, you also have to commit to a schedule that people will remain invested in. Which basically means you can't put things out more than a week away from each other, unless you're really, really famous, lol. If I told people I was going to go on a two week update schedule, I would lose most of my audience. But a week is long enough for people to both still remember and anticipate. That's just how the scheduling of the world works. And if you're an artist that's working on a big project, then you have to share progress, or pieces of what you're doing on a regular basis. That's what generates "buzz" and keeps you relevant. And, yeah, that's a really hard schedule to commit to, because it's a lot of work. BUT this consistency is where you see people being successful. Popular youtubers may not have gained their popularity by being consistent, but most sure do retain it that way. And again, there are outlying exceptions, but they generally ARE exceptions.

Speaking of hard work, here's probably the second hardest thing to accomplish—you have to be prolific. Especially as a writer. You have to write A LOT if you want to gain an audience. And yeah, that means you have to work, a lot. I love my work, so I enjoy that "grind," and I also have developed a lot of strategies to work around writer's block and every other obstacle that tends to catch people up. I work in a very professional manner—I do outlines, and drafts, and plan. I do a lot of stuff that people who do this kind of thing for fun can't be bothered with (and that's fine), but that's because I find it to be what works best in creating an efficient environment. I'm also very, very NOT lazy, lol. I was raised in an environment where you have to work for everything that you want. My parents didn't buy me my first computer, or snowboard, or what have you. We were tight on money and if I wanted something, they couldn't help me—I had to get that shit on my own. And I also grew up on a farm, where hard work was a staple of how you did things. You did things the right way, even if it was the hard way. You can't cut corners and it's the same with this. If you want it, you have to actually do the work, that's it. Some people get lucky with popularity, most don't. Most famous actors didn't become well-known off their first efforts, they had to keep trying and keep working and then they have to continue to do that to stay relevant. So if that doesn't sound great to you, then you might want to not focus on your audience and just create because you enjoy it, lol. Sometimes that's what I do too, when I don't wanna deal with the pressure.

Moving on, here's another point that nobody is going to like. Simply put, you also have to be good at what you do. I think some people don't realize that I've been writing fic for over fifteen years. I currently have nearly 2 millions words worth of fics on AO3 and that doesn't include a majority of the stuff I've ever written. I practice A LOT. I write every day. And I'll tell ya, when I started out in middle school, my stuff was not good. But I worked hard, I ignored the hate, and I kept going. That is the only way you will ever get better at anything. There's no quick way to become a better writer, or artist. And a vast majority of people are only going to pay attention to your stuff if it's quality work. Getting to that point is a process, on top of then creating stuff that fits into popular molds. Not only am I good at what I do (and I don't care how arrogant that sounds—I've worked my ass off), but when it comes to fandoms, I rarely write "rare pairs" and "crack ships." Generally, if it's popular, that's where I am. That makes a big difference and I honestly don't have sympathy for people who write rare pairs and such and then complain about lack of engagement. You knew what you were getting into (it's mostly the Miraculous fandom that gave me this bitterness). If you're not writing what people WANT to read, then your audience is simply going to be smaller. And that audience doesn't owe you their attention, no matter how frustrating it is or how good your work is. I could be the best writer in the world, but if I'm writing RekixCherry fic, I have nobody to blame but myself when nobody reads it. BUT if that's your passion, and writing a certain unpopular thing makes you happy, then, again, you need to not be concerned with traction and your audience.

The last point I'll make is that it matters HOW you present yourself online. A good chunk of the well-known creators in any fandom are, simply put, older people. And those that aren't, and are able to connect with those older creators, have generally created a bubble around themselves of maturity and, like, of being nice, lol. A lot of creators are skittish these days, and if you're an asshole (anti) or fight a lot over stupid shit, you may get a bigger audience, but you will isolate yourself from other creators. And this is important because oftentimes it is your exposure to other creators that will get your work circulating. The reason I got popular in the ML fandom? I wrote a short angst fic and a really popular artist shared it/talked about it and the rest was history. But if I'd had a habit of being an asshole, probably wouldn't have happened. And, granted, I'm not saying don't voice your opinions, but if you're loud all the time, it does turn people off. Especially creators because they are oftentimes the ones being attacked. They don't want to pull more of that negative bullshit into their lives. I'll admit, when I was in the ML fandom, I was down for a fight, but then that's what people came to expect, and it probably did turn others off, and then when I didn't fight, or didn't think the way my audience thought I should, it, again, turned people off. It's really not worth it unless being that type of person IS your platform.

So, that's all the advice I can give, I suppose. And even if you do all this stuff, that still doesn't mean you're going to be popular. At the end of the day, the thing that I stick to is this—I do what I want, I love what I do, and I work hard. If I'm in a position to worry about all that other stuff, then sure, I do, but otherwise… There's no easy way to become popular and, quite frankly, it's better to just "live" working hard and being a decent person than it is to focus on all this bullshit. I've created a working environment where I function within these "points" quite naturally, so it's not something I think about (except for schedules, lol). Sometimes I get popular in fandoms, sometimes I don't. At the end of the day, it comes down to how much work you're willing to do, because you will always be giving more than you are getting back, so you have to at least enjoy what you're doing.

Seriously, just do it because you love it. And if the pressure of everything above is something you don't love (I like a good, high pressure situation, lol), then don't do it that way—it's not worth the grief.

#skaylanphear replies #anonymous

53 notes · View notes

duskwoodraven · 3 years

Note

You're appalled by the lack of fandom. I was happy that the fandom is small 😂 don't get me wrong, I love to be involved with community that share the same interest as me but usually the smaller the better. I have an app fandom I was in years ago, it was small and I was very happy. Everyone just screaming about how they love the game and discussing theories, making fan arts and fics. Then the game got more popular and the fandom grow, sigh, of course some drama happens. There's this antis things, unwarranted discourse and everything. I'm not that involved with it anymore but sometimes when it goes trending, I open the tags and yup, full of antis post. It's a game my God. I wish nothing like that happen with Duskwood 😔

😆 I completely agree with you in the niceties of smaller fandoms, it definitely feels like you are more closely woven with every member (at least on which ever social media site you prefer, Tumblr fans are slightly different then Reddit fans, as Reddit fans are different from Instagram fans, etc.).

But for explaining my bio, it was created when the fandom for Duskwood as a whole, especially on the English speaking side, was no where to be seen, the most I had found was a few fan arts, a post calling out Lilly on her bs, memes in Portuguese, and one animatic on YouTube. I thought it was all criminal to have so little considering I’ve never been so invested in a mobile app story before and I find it to be one of the best in its genre! So I started this blog, creating overused incorrect quotes, templates, and fan art in the hopes of making people feel comfortable and welcome to talk about Duskwood. Also because I can’t stop gushing over this game. 😉

I am so happy and so surprised the fandom has grown so quickly in the span of a year (yes this blog is going to be a year old soon 🥳) with way more fanfics and theories to read and memes/videos to view. It’s absolutely fantastic!

I too hope to never have a toxic fandom yet I also truly believe many people here don’t want any form of negativity to spread. Just remember to respect the creators and your fellow fan members, don’t fall into the traps of bigger fandoms and be civil. I’ve seen flares of potential drama before yet I’ve also seen everyone’s need to keep it peaceful in our little community, let’s uphold that to the bitter end!

#duskwood #duskwood everbyte #duskwood game #everbyte #duskwood fandom #small fandom

34 notes · View notes

yamayuandadu · 3 years

Text

Rider of Clouds

A a loose adaptation of the Ugaritic Baal cycle of myths, with some changes and the holes patched up with other myths and historical trivia. It will probably go on and on as some sort of silly “myth crossover” thing. Mount Saphon, the spiritual center of a large but poorly defined area spanning from the Mediterranean Sea to the Euphrates and the residence of many gods, needs a new king. While the former king of the gods, El, favors his distant relative Yam, this decision is not popular with the other deities and would be a disaster for their human followers; however, few dare to question El decisions in public. The exception is Baal, the heir(ess) of El's popular but not very ambitious rival Dagan, determined to take Mount Saphon to the bright future of the late bronze age.

Protagonists

Baal (Hebat) – the eponymous Rider of Clouds (a real title used in myths and cult texts), a young weather deity born to Dagan and Shalash (not pictured), semi-retired agricultural gods who settled in Tuttul on the Euphrates shortly before Baal's birth. Dagan hails from Mesopotamia proper, while Shalash is Hurrian. While the mythical Baal Hadad is male, my version is a woman – the idea started as a joke about conflating Baal from the Baal cycle with Baalat Gebal, a female figure associated with another levantine bronze age city (BG's actual identity is an object of much scholarly debate) being more valid than conflating him with much later Baal Hammon from Carthage (or rather with Roman hot takes about this deity), which happens a lot online, but I got attached to it o now here we are. She nonetheless uses a male title inherited from her father, much like a few historical female rulers did. In my version “Hadad” is only a title (or rather a me, eg. divine attribute), and her real name is actually Hebat. Irl Hebat was, among other things, the name of a goddess mentioned in one inscription as Dagan's daughter, and thus a featureles sister of Baal. As the levantine/syrian Hebat lacks a defined character in real mythology (”another” Hebat was regarded as the Hurrian storm god's wife but was at times replaced in this role by the more interesting sun goddess of Arinna and that's about it; I'm not going to use that one in my story) it should be fine to conflate her with Dagan's best attested divine child, I think? Baal is impulsive and follows a moral code which, depending on the point of view, might be either naive or heroic, which means she's not exactly the optimal person to get involved in n-dimensional divine politics (the ideal person to be the protagonist of an Ugaritic epic poem, as evidenced by history), but that's not enough to stop her from trying; the popularity with humans helps, too. The story documents her rise to the position of the head god of the pantheon residing on Mount Saphon, ruling over Ugarit and other surrounding areas.

Astarte (it should be Ashtart for maximal accuracy but everyone knows the later form of the name better so...) – a goddess of humble origin and no particularly well defined attributes, who attaches herself to Baal initially in hopes of advancing own career, though the two eventually develop a more genuine relationship. She patterns herself after the much more famous Mesopotamian Inanna, seeing her as an ideal to strive for. While Baal has the name recognition and disposition fitting for a major deity, Astarte is the part of the duo actually capable of navigating politics, and takes the title of Face of Baal, negotiating support for Baal's bid with other gods. The image of Baal she projects differs slightly from reality, though not enough for most onlookers to notice. Astarte is also a connoisseur of foreign clothing (as pictured above) and art.

Anat (art courtesy of my girlfriend who sadly isn’t on tumblr but who helped a lot with figuring out a lot about this story) – the younger daughter of the ruling couple of Mount Saphon. Her philosophy differs greatly from her parents' and as a result she isn't really seriously considered for succession. Her hobbies include bladed weapons, gambling and heroic epics; in the past she attempted writing her own self insert one. Her temperament means she was never considered for succession, which she doesn't particularly mind. She's deeply invested in Baal's ascendance, and is probably the god Astarte wants to recruit for their cause the most.

Gupan and Ugar – two minor gods who might be some of the only allies Baal recruited herself rather than with Astarte's help. They play a minor role in the story as her messengers and heralds (just like in the real myth!). They're also a couple. The cuneiform on their coats says “Baal.”

Kothar-wa-Khasis – a craftsman god who, by own admission, only works part time in Ugarit and travels the world for the rest of it. He's kind and dependable and his wares are both affordable and of great quality, but his real motives are hard to ascertain. His real identity is likewise a subject of much speculation among other gods – while his preferred manner of clothing hints at an egyptian origin, nothing is known for sure. His true name is that of the god Ptah of Memphis; he spends most time outside it and incognito because he thinks smaller pantheons on the periphery of Egypt's influence offer more artistic freedom. He speaks in a very poetic pointlessly complex way (basically... imitating the style of ancient poem translations). While an architect first and foremost he a reneissance man - architect, sculptor, engineer, armorer, musician. He isn't very fond of Yam due to the latter's lack of aptitude for art and cost cutting suggestions.

There are actually two gods hiding behind the title “Kothar-wa-Khasis,” with the second one hailing from Caphtor (Crete) from where Kothar arrives when commissioned to build Baal's palace in the real myth. She's shy and refuses to reveal her real name and hides behind the title “Mistress of the Labyrinth” and the labrys symbol. Her arrival is generally a sign of the duo taking a project particularly seriously.

Shapash – El's firstborn daughter, serving as “the torch of the gods”, a royal herald and solar deity. She also handles her parents' “foreign policy” on their behalf, which in practice means figuring out how to placate neighbors whose decisions aren't guided by the need to avoid angering various reviled figures.

Antagonists

Yam (right) – a sea monster more than a god, presiding over the nearby section of the sea and all that dwells in it, including the commercially significant sea slugs. He's also the son of the formerly influential Anatolian god Kumarbi, banished to the underworld by the current head god Teshub due to his many past misdeeds. As a result of his father's past influence over the world (and current influence over the ruling couple), Yam gained El's support and received many titles, which de facto makes him the most likely to succeed El as the king of local pantheon. He's capricious and inconsiderate, but maintains a larger than life public image meant to make him palatable to potential backers. The exact circumstances of his arrival in Ugarit are shrouded in mystery, and may or may not be responsible for his unusually strong hatred of Baal. Mot (left) – profoundly unpleasant and unsociable being kept around by Anat's parents for unclear reasons. He resides in the great offering pit in the abandoned city of Urkesh, formerly the center of Kumarbi's sphere of influence, reduced to a ghost town. While his equivalents in neighboring areas generally view themselves as impartial or as a necessary evil, Mot gets his kicks from posing as a personification of death itself, and is notoriously corrupt. El and Athirat – the ruling couple of Mount Saphon and parents of Anat and Shapash, currently pondering retirement, which stirs many contenders to the throne into action. El is a lifelong opportunist changing views and allegiances as he sees fit, though he pretty consistently favors his distant relative Yam as his main underling ever since the latter arrived in the area.

El was originally Amurru, a courtier of the sky god Anu, overthrown by the nefarious Kumarbi. For unclear reasons Kumarbi made Amurru his vassal and bestowed the name Elkunirsa, or El for short, upon him.

Athirat is largely responsible for El maintaining his title for so long, and is a much craftier politician than he is. She comes from an influential dynasty of sea gods, but lacks dominion over the sea herself.

She and Yam are related, as seen here.

Abduyam – an attempt at developing an obscure figure from the original myth, Yam's nameless and seemingly rather rude and infuriating messenger, into a full blown character. The theophoric name he uses (there are real theophoric names invoking Yam, surprisingly) is just a pseudonym, and his real identity is a mystery. He interned under a variety of famous mythical villains in order to gain a greater understanding of their ways, and currently serves as Yam's messenger, adviser, doorkeeper and punching bag.

Ashtar – a feeble opportunist who sides with Yam, hoping to receive a share in the gains he's making thanks to El's blessings. He's pretty content with playing the role of a toady though his aspirations might be different, as Baal and Astarte suspect due to his love of gaudy imported textiles. Megalomania doesn't necessarily equal malevolence, though. He also loves sea slugs.

Foreign dignitaries

(ignore the ?, it’s just Baal) Marduk (right) – the tutelary deity of Babylon, a prominent and internationally renowned god. While technically the area encompassing Mount Saphon, where the events of the story take place, isn't directly under the control of the Babylonian pantheon, as one of the oldest in the world and the source of the writing it nonetheless has a tremendous impact on smaller neighbors. Formally Marduk is merely a representative of his father Enki and the assembly of the gods in Nippur, but as the old gods are not very mobile, he's the de facto acting head of the pantheon in foreign relations. He doesn't have a unified mythical narrative about himself yet at this point in time, despite his position, which is a source of insecurity for him. During travels, he's assisted by his personal aide and biographer, Nabu (not pictured), and his pet mushussu, Tishpak. Seth (left) – in real life, ancient Egyptians equated many gods of their neighbors with Seth; therefore in Rider of Clouds Seth serves as an ambassador of the Egyptian pantheon, usually residing in Gebal near Mount Saphon – a city whose gods (and human rulers) take pride in trying to be more Egyptian than the Egyptians themselves, and regard Seth as their spiritual liege (under the title “Lord of Lebanon”). While ultimately Marduk's judgment matters the most, Seth gets the right to veto his decisions when it comes to validating claims to local thrones. On good terms with Kothar-wa-Khasis, which is a subject of much gossip among other gods. Teshub (center) – the head of the Hurrian pantheon, technically capable of projecting the most power in Mount Saphon politics due to the Hurrian influence on huge number of other local pantheons, including that of the Hittites, thanks to his marriage to the Hittite sun goddess of Arinna; however, as the local gods for the most part share closer affinity with Mesopotamia than Hatti, he competes with Marduk for political influence. As he and Baal are a very similar type of god, he's the most outspoken supporter of Baal's ascension to the throne out of all 3 foreign dignitaries. El’s support for his nemesis is probably a factor, too.

Kubaba – the head goddess of Carchemish; much like the king of Carchemish served as a Hittite viceroy taking care of affairs of the vassals irl, she acts as Teshub's ambassador in the southeast, mediating between the Anatolian and Syrian gods. She hopes that Baal's rise will normalize foreign relations to the benefit of her human followers – El's erratic behavior and sympathy for a number of widely detested figures made that rather difficult. While she's not much older than Baal, she poses as an ancient deity and dresses like someone twice her age. She also seeks opportunities to insert herself into suitably ancient narratives. In another time and place she'll be known as Cybele, and eventually as the Roman Magna Mater, but this is not the story about it.

Plot-relevant but not present in the story physically

Inanna – the celebrity superstar of every pantheon from Hatti to Elam. After being elevated to one of the foremost positions among the gods she started a profitable franchising business, offering help with setting up own cult system and the right to use the title of “Ishtar” and the eight pointed star emblem in exchange for a share in potential profit and a spot in the franchisee' home pantheon. As her fame is unique even among the greatest of the gods, this isn't that bad of a deal. Other benefits of the franchising program include free tickets to the annual Ishtar meetup in Uruk and a 24/7 tech support line ran by her sukkal Ninshubur. Asides from Astarte, prominent members of the franchising program include the Hurrian Shaushka, the Elamite Pinikir, and the night goddess of Kizzuwatna.

Kumarbi: an agricultural god of the Hurrians who seized the kingship of their pantheon violently before being overthrown himself by Teshub and his allies. Now he resides in the underworld and plots, aided by a network of allies – some opportunistic, some stupid, some simply malevolent. His will is usually carried out by an unspecified number of identical fate goddesses, possible to differentiate only by the numerals on their veils. At the core he and Baal's father Dagan are very similar gods in function, but not in temperament.

#Rider of Clouds

22 notes · View notes

space-malex · 3 years

Note

There's lots of back and forth on who Victor should be with, but all s1 and s2 showed me is that Victor isn't cut out to be anyone's partner at this point in his life. He did Mia dirty and couldn't even properly apologize for it in s2 and the Victor who actually prioritized Benji's happiness and tried to take all responsibility for their kiss with Derek so they can keep dating disappeared in s2. He couldn't even articulate that breaking Benji's trust was wrong with spilling his secret to Rahim, let alone understand him at any point during the season. I don't know if it's supposed to be an international character flaw to be worked on or if the writers think having everything from Victor's POV is a good excuse, but it bothers me a lot. I really thought Malex was the height of showrunner bias and uneven writing, but Venji is so much worse. Alex at least always had a POV and a well-defined personality I could easily empathize with. You can't pile a ton of trauma on a character and never explore it, especially if it's supposed to be half of your main ship. I don't know how reflective a Twitter poll is of the audience split (the one they did on Instagram was much more overwhelmingly in favour of Venji, but they also don't show how many people voted), but it's not surprising that a dynamic that was basically written to be pretty much perfect so far and a fun alternative for the main ship's drama is appealing to so many people. They could have easily sold Venji better this season as a couple. They can lay a better foundation for future romantic them if they spend real time together platonically in s3 and stop putting each other on pedestals. They can also ruin what's appealing about Vahim with drama in s3. It's anyone's guess how s3 is going to play out. All I know is if Venji is still the endgame, I don't want a redo of s1 with Victor trying to work harder at a relationship he ultimately doesn't want to be in than he ever tried to make it work with the guy he's supposedly in love with. That's a recipe for disaster. A lot of shows are guilty of never showing us an endgame ship actually working on screen before putting them back together at the end of the show. I really want better here.

A lot to unpack

Victor did apologize to Mia, said he loves her and never meant to hurt her. It’s a bit complicated because Victor never went into the relationship with bad intentions and it took him the majority of the season to come to terms with his sexuality. Yes, he should’ve ended it right away when he figured it out, and he shouldn’t have kissed Benji when he was still with her. But still, there is a fine line here because there’s only so much of an apology Victor can give without it feeling like he’s apologizing for who he is, for being gay, and that’s not something he needs to feel sorry for. I think we should also keep in mind that Mia had her little thing with Andrew at the same time and never told Victor about it. She didn’t cheat or anything (or when he kissed her she stopped it) but she had obvious feelings for Andrew that she hadn’t dealt with. Luckily they finally got resolved in s2 but they were definitely there when she was still with Victor.

Now, what is it with this Victor slander in my house? He and Benji were pretty much constantly arguing or making up, but I’ve rarely seen people apologize to someone else as many times as Victor did to Benji about things that weren’t even his fault. He spent all season apologizing for his mother, even though he has no control over what she thinks or does, but also assured Benji that she is trying and that she is getting better. And he would know that better than Benji because he knows his mother and Benji does not. Or apologizing for not being ready to come out to everyone. And then turned around and did it anyway, which was what he wanted to do, but it also felt a lot about Benji and something he was doing for him as well. Which, fine, it’s Victor’s decision and he didn’t regret doing it. But then when there were consequences that hurt him by his team being homophobic, Benji first shrugs them off and then encourages Victor to quit the team so that he’s not around homophobic people. Which okay, first of all homophobes exist everywhere but I digress. Victor was miserable after he quit the basketball team. It’s not actually what he wanted to do, and he loves basketball, and Benji had no respect for that either. He acted like basketball with some kind of leftover heteroness that needed to be expelled from Victor. And he talked shit about it with his friends right in front of Victor. In fact, every time Victor tried to express himself, he would be essentially shut down by Benji and end up apologizing. Until episode 6 with the birthday and episode 8 after Isabel caught them together.

So look, I don’t think Benji had to tell Victor anything about his alcoholism because it’s his personal business and it’s really difficult to talk about something like that and it was definitely up to him when he wanted to open up. But then he turned around and was basically pissed at Victor for knowing even though Victor found out by accident. And then he refused to talk about it. And then when Victor expressed his hurt that Benji didn’t want to talk to him, Benji responded by completely attacking Victor and straight up saying it was exhausting work being with him bc he’s got a religious homophobic mom and is newly gay. Like….what??

Benji judged Victor for 1) being a jock 2) his mother and 3) being a baby gay. Victor never once judged Benji for his alcohol problems, he was just hurt Benji didn’t share with him. He didn’t judge Benji for anything else for that matter. He definitely shouldn’t have told Rahim about Benji, even though I do understand he needed someone to open up to and he trusts Rahim, it was a violation of Benji’s trust and not okay. But that’s like…the only bad thing Victor has done all season.

As for the pov thing- it wouldn’t be such a big deal if they actually developed Benji as a character, which they have not. We get no moments of him where he’s not with Victor (except the one conversation with Isabel, which was about Victor). If you’re going to have a character not share about their life to the protagonist, you need to find another way to share it with the audience. It leads to a disconnect and lack of emotional investment in Benji for many people. The fact that I feel I know Rahim better after 5 episodes than I do Benji after 20 is saying something. But the writing has given Rahim development that it hasn’t given Benji. It’s not surprising a lot of people in the audience are feeling more connected to Rahim as a result. Polls are never the most reliable thing since it depends on who sees them and how many people (twitters was about 20k respondents iirc but no idea about ig). I see a lot of vahim shipping on twitter and ig, tumblr not so much. But I will say I’ve seen people coming around on vahim who are watching the season now, as opposed to the smaller number who immediately watched the moment it came out, went in shipping Victor and Benji and had a knee jerk reaction about the possibility of another romance for Victor.

This is not comparable to malex in any way so I have no clue why you’re bringing them up.

And personally, I was never invested in Victor and Benji’s relationship. Even in s1 I was like 🤷🏻‍♀️ And now, with or without vahim, I think Victor and Benji should break up. They’re just not a great couple and I feel like the show would do well to make it okay for your first relationship to not necessarily be right for you. Especially for a gay couple because that like…NEVER happens on tv. It doesn’t take anything away from what v*nji mean to each other. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. I didn’t start shipping vahim bc of anything with v*nji directly, I just loved their dynamic. I love seeing Victor light up. I love seeing him comfortable instead of constantly feeling insecure and apologetic. To me, vahim connect in a way v*nji do not.

Victor did not develop feelings for Rahim just because he was having issues with Benji. Just like Benji did not develop feelings for Victor just because he was having issues with Derek. Implying that does a disservice to both relationships and kinda takes agency away from a character and their feelings. But I want him and Benji to end things for real before anything happens with Rahim. Which might mean trying to make it work for a while longer.

We will see!!

#anon #shut up kelli #vahim #ship drama #lv discourse

7 notes · View notes

arofili · 4 years

Note

how’d u get into writing? like, writing fic and being part of the silm community, being Known, that stuff? i’m really new to being a silm cc and i’d love to know ur advice! also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs? bc i have a Lot of hcs and meta ideas but also i’m really anxious abt posting them bc yknow anxiety is like that

these are some great questions, anon! I’m gonna go through them one by one :)

how’d u get into writing?

not to be like, super cliche, but I’ve...kind of always been a writer? as long as I can remember I’ve been telling stories, and when I was too young to read or write I would dictate them to my mom, who would type them up for me and help me choose clipart illustrations to accompany them. when I got old enough I would always be writing; I attempted my first novel at age 9, and while that never really went anywhere I did finish the darn thing and it had some pretty sophisticated plot twists for a 9-year-old!

like, writing fic

around the same time I got into fandom! I was deep into Warrior cats (like. really deep) and I believe I started writing my first fics when I was like? 10 or 11? my memory is kind of fuzzy on the order of things, but I know I got an account on the Warriors forums when I was 9, and that I was already posting my fic there when I made my FFN account. I believe I was 12 when that happened, but who knows. I haven’t the faintest idea of what happened with those forums, but uhhh pretty much all of my Warriors fic is still up on FFN lmao. you could probably find that if you want to but um...maybe don’t?

my first Big Fic was a self-insert of...my entire 5th/6th grade class into the then-current timeline of the Warriors books...well. I honestly think that might still be my most popular fic of all time l m a o though I try not to think about it because Hashtag Cringe. though as much as I look back on that time with a “yikes,” I am very grateful for the Warriors fandom in a way? that place was so accepting and encouraging of OCs, of AUs, of completely disregarding canon, of worldbuilding that is completely alien from canon - it was a fantastic sandbox to begin with, there were so many ways to write stories and practically all of them were accepted and had fellow fans invested in them!

and being part of the silm community,

soooo I wrote Warriors fic until my freshman year of high school (wow sdjfhkdsjfh), which was when BOTFA came out, and I was absolutely wrecked by the ending and immediately started writing my own fixit fic. I was also super hooked on Kiliel! so that was my intro to the Tolkien fandom; and simultaneously, I joined tumblr, and, well, the rest is history tbh.

I honestly do not remember when I first read the Silm, but I kind of got into the more obscure parts of the Tolkien fandom through fandom osmosis, and I do have a vague memory of doodling the Finwean family tree in geometry class so it might have been later on in freshman year? that was also the same time I was having my Queer Awakening, and Russingon definitely contributed to me unlearning my internalized queerphobia, so probably around then.

anyway - queer awakening, tumblr, Tolkien, transitioning from FFN to AO3 - all of that was happening around the same time. I know I dipped my toes in the Silm fandom then, but I was still primarily a Hobbit fic writer focusing on Kiliel. toward the end of high school I kind of shifted to LOTR and (qp) Gigolas...but somehow the Silm fandom is the most active of the Big Three within the Tolkien fandom, and I was getting dragged further and further in.

it wasn’t until @backtomiddleearthmonth 2019, my freshman year of college, that I really dove into writing Silm fic! I picked some Silm-specific bingo cards and never looked back :D that was really not all that long ago but I am obsessed in a way I don’t really remember being even with TH/LOTR, I obviously cannot see the future but I anticipate hanging out here for a long time. the Silm fandom is great overall and there’s just so much material to work with!! <3

being Known, that stuff?

so I don’t really have a whole lot of context on how “well known” I am in the fandom?? definitely within the past year and a half or so I’ve noticed that I like, get asks like this, and get a significant amount of notes on my posts, and I’ve made a lot of fandom friends especially since I joined some Silm servers on Discord (hmu if you want invites; I’m on the SWG server and 2 general Silm servers and the Russingon server) this past year. and I have 3,000 followers as of this month - and while ever since I hit 1k I don’t particularly pay attention to my follower count I can definitely say that I have more engagement now than I used to! but it took me a long time to build this “audience,” I suppose; I’ve been around the Tolkien fandom since late 2014, so nearly 6 years of this, lol.

really the best way to build a following, in my experience, is to just post a lot of stuff. when I started making edits I got a lot more engagement, because for a long time I would post one every day! (I made them in batches and queued them; I didn’t actually make one every day lol...and now I’m too busy to do that, so I just make edits for events and whenever I feel like it) And I have [checks ao3] 145 works in the Silm fandom as of today - I’m fairly prolific! I’ve come to generally expect 3-10 comments on most of my oneshots, which is a lot more than I used to have back in the day. consistency and quantity are more likely to attract people to your work - and quality, of course.

also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs?

I’ve been writing since I was very young, and I’ve been writing fic for like...11 years? I think? in that time I’ve produced a lot of garbage, but imo most of that was in my Warrior cats phase, so I came into the Tolkien fandom with confidence in myself and my writing. I’m also working on original fiction on the side (I hope to eventually become a published fantasy author, but right now school takes up most of my time that I don’t devote to fandom, which gives me more immediate gratification and also is just Very Fun) and I know I’m a good writer.

basically, I’ve been doing this for like...half my life, and I’m still fairly young, so I’ve had time to build up my skill and confidence and I know I’m only going to get better with time. you will get better with practice. like I said, I’ve written a lot of terrible stuff, and it’s only through sucking for a long time that I’ve gotten to the point I am now. and I am far from perfect; I know I still have lots of room to grow!

for meta and headcanons specifically, I started with writing fic, and then when I didn’t think I could stretch something into an entire fic I would just make a hc post. I have a vivid memory of writing my first meta in a notebook during driver’s ed because it was so goddamn boring and I had Thoughts about Tauriel and Thranduil!

in my experience, meta comes from having Opinions and wanting to share them and most importantly to back them up - you need to have sources! you need to have reasons! you need to have justification! otherwise it’s not meta, it’s a headcanon or an AU. which is fine!! I love hc/AU!!! but they are not the same as meta, and I’m a stickler for being accurate when it comes to meta. if you have sources and shit to back you up, that will help you build the confidence to share your meta.

sharing disinformation and passing it off as meta instead of just coming out and saying this is a headcanon/baseless theory/AU or whatever is such a fandom pet peeve of mine; it’s not bad for something to not be Accurate! you just have to have that disclaimer - and even when you’re writing meta, you’re offering an interpretation of the text, and you need to acknowledge that other interpretations also exist and are valid.

um. I hope this answers your questions? and sorry for basically word-vomiting my entire life story, lol. this post got long; the main reason I’ve written so much fic is because I really just cannot shut up for the life of me. sooo if you can tear of that filter of being shy and just. say shit. you can go so far~!

OH and one more thing - I can’t believe I almost forgot this - but part of being a writer is participating in the community. this is code for LEAVE A DAMN COMMENT IF YOU LIKE A FIC. that’s how I made most of my fandom friends before Discord! I follow @ao3feed-silmarillion and stalk that blog for new Silm fics; I read the ones that interest me and comment on them.

I know this is not really the most common way for folks to find fic but it’s so rewarding to interact with new fic, new writers, new commentors, new stories - you can find gems that don’t rise to the top of the kudos/bookmark lists; you become friends with your fellow writers; you can watch people grow and change; you support smaller content creators. yeah, you might not be getting Just The Best Stuff, but it’s so so so worth it!!

and if you make friends in the comment section of other people’s fic - I guarantee you some of them will go to your AO3 profile and check out your fic, too! and they’ll leave comments! this is a fic community, and that’s what I cherish about fandom most of all, tbh.

anyway - again - sorry for rambling so much, but I hoped this helped! feel free to send in another ask, or to come talk to me off anon if you’d like! and definitely send me your stuff if/when you decide to share it; I would love to support you!!! <3

#silm #silm fandom #silmarillion #fan culture #tmi anna #(for real this time sjdfhdkfh)#tefain nin #long post #anon #answers

64 notes · View notes

livefromphilly · 3 years

Text

The Good and The Bad, 04.22.21 - 05.20.21

None of this shit is amazing or especially significant.

I already mentioned it, but apparently my X100V suffered water damage. Since it was out of warranty and deemed unfixable, it would have just been $1220 for a replacement. That was almost the same cost as buying a new one so I just told them never mind. I’m honestly a bit disappointed; I didn’t baby the camera, but I also would expect a camera that’s advertised as weather sealed to hold up better than it did. I started using my Micro Four Thirds camera as my general walk around camera and it’s been ok in that regard, especially once I added the Panasonic Leica 15mm. I just wish the shutter wasn’t so damn loud.

Moving was a pain in the ass. I finally feel settled in here, at least, but man I don’t ever want to move again.

After all the costs of moving, I only had enough money to get a new computer or a new TV but not both. The computer was a more pressing need so I went with that. My old TV is relatively new (and nice), but I got it when I lived in a much smaller apartment where the couch was a lot closer to the TV. My eyesight is horrible and now it’s kind of hard to see the TV from that distance.

I keep telling myself this but I think I'm really going to try to get back to using Flickr more. Instagram and Tumblr are nice for sharing photos, but I think I want a more photo-centric place. Somebody I follow on Insta did a copy/paste thing about the platform being a place for friends to connect and it kinda hit like "yeah, I guess it really isn't just about photos anymore". At least not primarily. Apparently the last thing I posted on there was in 2020, but it was just photos from a roll of film I shot in 2018.

Speaking of film, I haven't shot a roll of that stuff in a while. I haven't finished one roll so far this year, and May is definitely the furthest I've made it into a year without shooting film since I got back into shooting film in 2012. I'll definitely have to fix that this weekend.

It’s been nice hanging out with friends again. So far the only bar I’ve hit up has been Local 44 but I’m hoping to visit Bob & Barbara’s soon. I had planned to go last Saturday but forgot it was my sister’s birthday.

I saw my mother and sister for the first time without masks in over a year last Saturday for said birthday. She and my parents came over for BBQ and cake. As much as I missed spending time with friends I definitely missed my fam more.

The Apple event was interesting in a way that I like what they showed, but it also made me decide to save money, skip the iMac, and just get the Mac Mini. So far I’m happy with the investment. I also got a 27” monitor to go with it, and it does 120 fps so I can hook my Xbox Series X up to it and play certain games at the higher frame rate .

I downloaded a demo for some photo editing software called DXO PureRAW and it’s hands down the most amazing photographic software I ever used. You just drag and drop a raw file and it spits out an incredibly clean DNG even on super noisy high ISO pics. It almost makes the micro four thirds photos look like they came out of a full frame camera with the lack of noise. The only problem is it doesn’t work on Fuji X-Trans based files, so a lot of the photos I took in the last few years with my X100V and X100F can’t take advantage of it. It also, for some odd reason, doesn't work with the Fuji XF10 files, which is strange considering that's a regular Bayer sensor.

I’m HYPE for the NBA playoffs. I really think the Sixers have a shot to win it all this year. I mean, I think that every year but especially this year.

#The Good and The Bad

9 notes · View notes

thoseindarkness · 4 years

Text

DtD News Nov 2020

Thank you to anyone who came back for this nonsense. For brevity I have an announcement that I want to make up front. I didn't have room for it last month so I pushed it back, but I can't anymore. I had to make one major revision to the published story. I want people to know about it.

This is the TLDR version. I tell a more in-depth story at the end.

ANNOUNCEMENT

The summary: I had a bad outline walking into writing Mistrust Goes Both Ways. I ran into a problem mid-story. Instead of stopping and taking the time I needed, I challenged myself to creatively solve my way out of my problems. I re-started with about half of what I'd written, published Mistrust Goes Both Ways, and restarting my outline with high hopes. I was proud of myself for rising to the challenge.

Despite my best efforts, it didn't work out. In the end, I had to scrap my outline. I was able to structure the end I was going for and spent the end of 2019 trying to link the first two stories to the ending I wanted. It wasn't working. Then TRoS. Then COVID. Here we are. In June, I started experimenting with scrapping Mistrust and restarting from Read Between.

Mistrust Goes Both Ways will not be part of the finished story when I'm done. I know some of you love it. I love it. I have no intention of taking it down. I might, for a short time, when I'm posting the final story. I'll let you know if that happens and it will go back up afterward. I don't have specifics as there's no point planning for it now.

For right now, nothing is changing on my AO3 account. Feel free to read and comment to your hearts content. I promise it will stay up forever to remind me that some mistakes are worth sharing with others. I learned good lessons from this mistake. It stays.

That being said I think I owe you an actual update on the progress of this story.

WHAT THE HELL I DID THIS MONTH

After my first update I needed to re-integrate with Reylo friends. Funnily enough, that pulled me into another fic. I've been working on that between following this election. Now that it's called I can get back to writing. I tried a couple of times since I voted on Oct 30th, but I knew it wasn't what I wanted to be thinking about.

Thankfully, I've also begun doing more social/political essays lately. I'm not sure what overall form or shape those may take and I haven't published any. Still, I was creative and I did plenty of writing. Interestingly, all this political focus is good for Deceive the Deceiver. Spinning and listening to conspiracy theories is a big part of weaving a world like this one. A great deal comes from my thoughts and perceptions of the real world.

WHERE DTD IS

As of right now I am in the process of first drafting the entire story with Read Between as the starting point. That is, every one of the short stories in the series. What I'm doing is somewhere between a history, an outline and random scene writing. All of these elements are currently strung together in one long, continuous, chronological, first draft. It's everything from the history before Read Between (which starts in the 1930's), all the way to the final scene of DtD.

I'm taking all the good ideas I've created in the last couple of years and re-organizing them into a first pass. It's the skeleton and some of the meat now. I'm slowly building out now that I have a blank-er slate. It's about choosing what works and what doesn't.

I call it accordion writing. It just gets bigger and bigger. This outline will later level up into the first full story drafts for each part. I've got so much history when I finish this I might… I'm getting ahead of myself. Don't want to give too many clues away.

Another interesting thing that's happened recently is I've started pulling bits of other fic ideas that I’m just not gonna finish. A big chuck of the history I stole from a modern/academia AU where Ben and Rey are history students specializing in the ancient Jedi religion. Another was a complication between characters came from a canon story where I wanted to paint the relationship with a new layer. We'll see if I can pull that off.

I spent a lot of time prior to this year focusing on the heroes but my villains hadn't gotten much love. Filling in the history has given me a chance to flesh out the villains. All their moves and countermoves, woven through the bits I already have, are spinning a pretty tapestry. Oh, the villains are so much fun to write!

This other fic came together in the same sort of accordion fashion and it's been fun working through the kinks in the process now that I've seen some of the weak points on a scale like DtD. I think I've mentioned, but this is a writing experiment for me and I'm most invested now in improving my process and clue-threading with DtD. This other fic is helping me test it on a smaller scale.

Not that this needs to get any longer, I'm just going to throw pretense out the window and go with complete vanity. If you don't give a wet shit about my life (and I don't blame you) you have reached the end of your journey. I hope to see you next month. If not, then I leave you with this parting:

May we meet again in our next fandom, through mutes and not as rival shippers.

The following is the ridiculous story of my ups and downs with Deceive the Deceiver. I figure if I explain to you how much I'm invested in this story some of you will stop worrying that I'm going to abandon it. Trust me. I'm not.

This tale stretches from NANOWRIMO 2018 and the prompt that started it, through the ups and downs of 2019 and 2020, to the writing of last month's letter. Buckle up. I love bumpy rides.

DtD: from NANO '17 to COVID-19

This story truly starts in December 2017 when I drenched the seat beneath me during Last Jedi. I'm a TLJ shipper. I got caught on the thirst train. It hit a time when writing was becoming a really big part of my life. I've been writing since I was a kid. I stopped for a while and came back to it. It's a long story. Ultimately, I'd started writing a lot a few years earlier. A mix of fic and originals but I was running into problems so I start reading a bunch of books to get better. TLJ lit the fires. NO joke TLJ came out on the 15th. I have pages of writing from the 20th.

2018 was Reylo year! I was already on Tumblr for my previous fandom (Batman comics). I found Reylo AU week which is in August. I submitted a story for that. It was the first fic I published for Reylo. Fast-forward August to November. I'm in the Writing Den on Discord and someone throws out this spy prompt. People start running with. Throwing ideas around. One of those was the snuggie in Mistrust! I have that conversation saved and story spots for each crazy thing they threw out. Finally, I said I'd do it!

Mind you, this is November 2nd. Nano has just started and the event is about "turning off your internal editor." This prompt consumed me. I was trying to keep up with SpaceWaffleHouseTM that first year. I did, btw. We both crested 100,000. It was my first Nano. Word count is not my problem. Organizing my crazy ambitious ideas is my problem. Some of that 100k was other stories, like Custard which I wrote half of in November and the other half Jan/Feb 2019. Most of it… probably 80k of it… was DtD.

Read Between the Lies is currently 33,710. I wrote at least 20k of that during that first Nano, as well as outlines and scenes for what I thought would be the starting point. I remember wanting to write Read Between to "get into their headspace" by writing their first meeting. I didn't think it would become a whole story. I was just going with it then. Any idea that came to mind.

I took December 2019 off for a few reasons. Some personal. Some burnout. I'm one of those people that can use writing to relieve stress, but I was so exhausted from that month-long writing sprint. By the last week I was dragging to get the final four or five thousand words to hit 100k.

Also, what I had by the end (no internal editor) was a bird nest of ideas that had too many beginnings, not enough middles, and endings to go around. I knew one thing right away: I knew I had more than one story. There were so many fun ideas. I figured, what the hell. I knew another thing right away: the prompt was at the end of the story. Like, the very end. Like, the last short story. Or the second to last short story, at the earliest. That hasn't changed. Ever. That's just where it ended up.

Between January and April of 2019 I touched DtD a few times. I kept coming back to it, reading through it, trying to untangle it. I made new notes on the stories. Expanded ideas. Tried to structure it. I figured out a bunch of good notes, but no real substance. The hardest thing was figuring out where to start! Did I:

(1) Start shortly before the prompt with Ben/Rey's relationship established and fill the story with the history?

(2) Start a lot earlier and build Ben/Rey's relationship from the beginning I'd written in Read Between?

If I'm being honest, Read Between was a lot better than I thought it would be and I didn't want to get rid of it. For a while I was thinking of publishing it last as a "prequel" if people liked the series.

Funny enough, the turning point happened May fourth weekend 2019…

In the week leading up, I was struggling through another story and decided to take a break for the weekend. I'd start writing again on Sunday when I met with my writing group. I met them through Nano. We used to meet at Panera. Now they meet on Discord. They mostly sprint though and I'm not a sprinter. I miss Panera. Anyway.

May 4th was a Sunday (look it up). I gave myself a writing break for the weekend and marathoned Star fucking Wars. It was nerd weekend. I was going to nerd out. I wore exclusively SW gear all weekend. I remember it well. It was the start of something fucking magical in my life.

Have I mentioned recently I really love this story. Trust me I will fucking finish it. Oh my god the demons won't leave until I do. Get them out of my head…

I had a pretty rockstar weekend. I believe the reason I skipped the PT that weekend was because I'd watched it the month before or so. Right after finishing the Clone Wars animated series (which is awesome and I strongly recommend both it and Rebels). I skipped them and SOLO.

Starting with R1, I went through in chronological order. I stopped at RotJ. I was with my family on Saturday and they were playing RotJ in the living room during the party. We talked about my marathon. My mom came over to my apartment after. We watched RoTJ properly. Then Force Awakens. It was too late by then to watch TLJ. I know I went straight to bed after my mom left on Saturday night.

Somewhere during or right after TFA I started thinking about Deceive the Deceiver. I don't remember what sparked it. I went to bed thinking about DtD. I know this with 100% certainty because I woke up thinking about again on Sunday and I thought it was quite odd.

I dream about this story in a way I have only dreamt about a precious few. Technicolor folks. It keeps me up at night.

I went to my writing group with (a) no plan for what to write, (b) a gordian knot that I had yet to untangle, (c) a sudden urge to re-read it. I opened my notes and read DtD through all our sprints. I read most of it during that writing session. We go about three hours.

That night I had Game of Thrones at my parent's. It was the (spoiler alert) episode where Arya kills the Night King. I remember because two minutes into the episode my brother's car broken down a few blocks from our apartment and we had to go help him. Derailed the whole night (this is foreshadowing).

Side note: I live with my younger brother and he's the best roommate I've ever had in my 35 years of life. Love you, Mo!

The episode was recording so we ran out. Had to leave the car in a parking lot. Someone had already helped him push it out of a puddle but my brother was soaked to mid-calf and the engine was shot. We dropped him off at home and I rode back to my Momma's crib to watch GoT. It was only the beginning of a wild night.

I went to bed late. I had to get up a few hours early to deal with the car before work started for either of us. I guess we were both hoping to avoid taking the day off. That wasn't going to happen. I drove home but I couldn't sleep. That crazy episode and the fact that my brain was already on fire with DtD.

I spent the wee hours finishing my re-read through the rough draft of Read Between the Lies. It saw my starting place. I started writing. I wrote through waiting in a parking lot, for the tow truck, in my car, at 6 am, with no sleep. I did a voice recording as I drove from the parking lot to the mechanic where the driver was taking my brother's car. I thought about it the whole way back. I sat on the sofa a wrote some more when we got home. I went to bed at 11 am and I'd written 10k more words for Read Between the Lies.

Somewhere between the chaos of May 5th and the official publish date on June 5th, Read Between got written. I know it didn't take too long. I remember sending it off to beta (by my amazing beta team on 1 & 2: Em, Jen, and Sai) and immediately pivoting to my outline. I slapped that together far too hastily and kept moving. I was going on holiday in the UK (I'm American and I'm ashamed) in early August so I planned on trying to publish Part 2 when I got back. At the very least I wanted it ready for beta.

Also some to admit, around the middle of 2019 I was fatigued with the fandom. We were hitting a lull. I was psyching myself up for the end and the exit. I was trying to clean house. I wanted to push out unfinished fics. To make them work. There was a lot of that mood from me in 2019. I was trying to make everything work. It's why Read Between came out, and that was a good thing. It's also why Mistrust came out, and that was a bad thing.

With that mentality looming, tough outline in hand, I started writing Mistrust before the end of May. I hit my snag sometime during the period I was publishing Read Between because by the time it was all done I knew I wasn't going to have a finished story by the time I left for London. I would figure it out when I got back. I picked up another project to distracted me from my problems for a little while. That is going to be an original if it's anything. One day…

At some point after I got back I started focusing heavily on problem solving. I had two stories already and a number of plot threads I had to resolve. I have heavy, heavy, heavy notes from September to December of 2019. Lots of possible ways to run this story. It sucks that a lot of that stuff isn't going to make it, but I'm recycling shit every day and I learned so much about the characters/story in that four month period. It really shaped the finished product in an important way.

This period is where I started to look at the bigger structure and how I was going to solve specific plot problems in each short story to bring the whole together. That focus on the different parts is important because it was the last thing on my mind when TRoS happened.

December 20th (the release date) is my birthday. My ass drove up to one of those Reylo-only screenings and I was surrounded by amazing people as I watched a movie that ruined my 35th birthday. Thankfully, I spent it in incomparable company. Thank you to all the hosts and super special thanks to Jen. Not only was she a DtD beta on both, she invited me. Thank you love! You are the reason I still remember that trip with joy.

Side note: I no longer hate TRoS. I've made my peace with it. I'm a far happier person now.

Needless to say, the only Reyloing I did in January of this year was venting frustration. Then I took a few weeks away from the fandom. I'd done my purging into the void. I knew other people still needed the space to vent but I had to get away. Once the toxin is out I couldn't let it back in.

What occurred starting in February of 2020 was a series of situations in which, every time I logged into Twitter I was faced with the kind of vitriol in the fandom that I don't need in my life. Some of it was still TRoS stuff, even as late as May. I'm not judging, I'm just saying, with the world on fire (literally), I didn't need it.

I don't think I have to explain why I've avoided social media like the plague since early this year. I live in America. If you heard anything about our recent President I don't have to explain any further what this year has been like. That has been par for course all over the world.

So here's my secret to happiness. I don't fux with the trolls. Do not engage. Sometimes that means radio silence. I'm breaking that silence because I want you to know 2020 has not destroyed DtD. It's only leveled shit up.

I have pretty much been working on this story consistently since March of this year. I go back and forth with reading, history, documentaries. I'm learning to wield many new weapons. They take time to settle in. DtD is the de-stressor I go to in between the real shit.

Sometime in June I was screwing around with the order of the parts. I had worked out the end but I was trying to bridge the gap between the ending I was certain I needed to get to and the two beginning stories I'd already published. I couldn't bridge the gap. It had been a year since I published Read Between and it wasn't working. Then I had an epiphany.

What if I got rid of Mistrust? Read Between is a pretty blank slate. I didn't want to re-write it and I still don't. I have no intention of getting rid of Part 1. I may clean it up and add some stuff at the very last minute, but it will be right before the new stuff drops as a pre-cursor to the flood of subsequent stories. I may add a few new clues or alter a scene or two, but I have plenty of room to move with it exactly the way it is.

What does that mean for Mistrust Goes Both Ways? To make a long story short, there was no good way for me to continue with what I'd published and still write the story in my head. I'm sure there are cool places to take the existing story, but that's not what I'm trying to do. In truth, I should have left 1 and not published 2 when I hit a snag. Lesson learned.

In June I basically threw Mistrust out and asked myself, "Now what?" I have months of great ideas rife for reshuffling and no restrictions on how to bridge the gap from 1 to the ending I wanted. But the end had shifted.

That brings us up to speed. The last thing I did before taking a much needed break was get through 90% of the history in my accordion outline/draft. I poured the foundation that was missing. I walked away in early October and let it set. I'm going to button up this other fic I'm working on and then go back to DtD and check the foundation I laid.

I'm very confident that not only will it hold, but that with fresh eyes and the fun side stories I've had the chance to lay to rest, I will finally be able to start building the finished products on top of it.

IN CONCLUSION

I'm still as excited as I've ever been for this story. It frustrates me all the time, but that means the medicine for my soul is working its magic. Change it painful, but pain is transformative. I've embrace changed. That ache is just a sign the muscles are getting stronger. Growing pains. As I learn to live with them in my family, my country, and my job, I find that life's lesson's often end up reflecting in every place in our life if we but open our eyes to look.

Growing pains exist in my writing process too. They are as transformative in this corner of my life as they are in every other. They have revealed as much about me as a person in my writing as they have in my politics. They have taught me how to compromise with my family as I learn to compromise with my characters. As I consider how people treat each other I am reminded that struggles in understanding our fictional counterparts may shine a light on our struggles to understand our truer selves.

Take care of yourselves. Once you've got that covered, if you can, take care of each other. Feel free to poke me and say hi. If not, until next month.

Fari.

#deceive the deceiver #reylo #reylo fanfic #reylo fan fiction #modern au #spy au #fan fic #fan fiction

4 notes · View notes

kai-keda · 3 years

Text

So something on twitter got me rambling this to someone who I don’t even know whether or not they’re involved in the same communities as me or not and I kinda just realized this is actually a big problem.

Why are fandom spaces having age wars? Or would it be more appropriate to call it generational wars?

Basically what I’m going on about is how now that I’m 25 years old and have joined and become super involved with a relatively much newer community than any other I’ve been in before I’m seeing a lot of hostility.

Hostility thrown at me by complete strangers.

Okay, so, if you’ve known me for long enough you’d know that I’m used to people not liking me because of actions I did or words I said. Specifically I’m referring to that mega dark time in the Dragon Ball fandom when my mental health was unchecked, I was overly emotional and stupid.

When I say “Hostility being thrown at me by complete strangers” in this context I don’t mean it in that same sense. I mean people who only know my age and that I’m in their fandom.

With my previous fandoms they were things that a lot of adults were in as well because they initially joined said fandom as children themselves. This includes Dragon Ball and Naruto. So I never really had a problem with people hearing my age and running for the hills screaming since they were used to seeing adults. There were also communities with source materials that were geared more towards adults like Trigun.

Heck I was still more often than not on the younger side of any particular group discussion. At most I would be more in the middle of the groups age range and never the oldest.

That is until now.

See I’ve recently gotten really excited, obsessed, hyperfixated or whatever you want to call it with the MCYT content creators. I’m talking of course specifically about the Dream SMP stuff but also the creators individually.

I love the Sleepy Bois Inc group and the Dream Team and Fundy and Ranboo and Niki and BBH and Tubbo and just the whole lot of them in the right contexts honestly.

To me this wasn’t really anything new. I mean, once upon a time I enjoyed Yogscast but I was really young and not involved in the internet’s current world of fandom culture. Also, I never obsessed over them and their story. I was into other things at the time.

When I get really invested in something I tend to immediately go searching for a community to share it with and I’ve started following on tumblr and twitter a lot of wonderful fan-artists and analysts and shitposters and man the lot of you are so great. And I’m also subscribed to a LOT of animators on YouTube. I’ve been leaving as many positive comments ranging from pointing out the finer details of a piece of work to fully emotional responses as I can possibly leave.

And it seems like you guys are really awesome and open and friendly! You guys tend to reply to my comments and even if you don’t (which is totally fair! Don’t feel pressured, my comments are to make you feel good not a trap to make you interact with me!) you’ll leave a like or heck a heart on my YouTube comments to y’all’s animations.

Seeing my positive energy getting returned with positive energy gave me the courage to join some discord servers and I started, of course, with the official ones. Wilbur Soot was the content creator of this group of people that I watched first so of course by this point I was subscribed to him on Twitch. I was also subbed to TommyInnit so I joined their servers. I’m in a few other servers including SAD-ist’s server and Techno’s members only server.

I started out joining vc’s and chatting in text channels but it’s been quite a long time since I’ve done either of those two things (not including a stray opinion here or there being thrown into the DreamSMP Boundaries discord).

I’m pretty sure it’s been since early December since I’ve really interacted in ANY of these servers - including the much smaller non-official fan ones!

Why is that?

Honestly, I got tired of the hostility thrown my way at any mention or reminder of my age.

I’m 25 years old and when people in these servers hear that, a good chunk legitimately feel really awkward.

I was asked not once, not twice, but FOUR TIMES in a single night from FOUR DIFFERENT PEOPLE in the SAME VOICE CALL “Why are you in a fan server for a sixteen year old Minecraft streamer (referring to TommyInnit) if you’re 25?” with NO trace of irony and with complete seriousness and out of all those times only ONE PERSON defended me because they were in the call for the third instance only for them to leave, someone else to join and it to happen again.

And each time, the call went quiet and everyone waited silently for my answer. They were all legitimately concerned for the fact that I happen to be a fan of a streamer who happens to be younger than me.

And when I pointed out what I THOUGHT was obvious which was “90% of the other streamers he’s with and openly calls friends are also adults including Wilbur who is only one year younger than me and Philza who is seven years OLDER than me” only a portion of people responded with “yeah that’s true.”

The rest said “That’s not the same.”

I tried again to “explain myself” (we’ll get to how shitty THAT is in a minute) by detailing how I just genuinely think Tommy, and Tubbo as well, are fun to watch. They’re entertaining, they’re funny, they’re energetic, they work well off the other streamers and I also find them adorable the same way I find puppies and kittens adorable. Heck, I love referring to Tommy as a Chihuahua because he’s a tiny little child with a really loud bark. It’s funny and cute and that’s the appeal.

That got a few other people to relax but there were still some people who at this point just said “well, I still think it’s weird but whatever.” and continued on only with an awkward air of nervousness around them.

Alright so it’s really important for me to stress that being a fan of a content creator does not equate wanting anything romantic or sexual with them in any capacity and therefore there is nothing inherently “creepy” or predatory about an adult being a fan of a content creator who happens to be a minor. I get that that seems like a hard concept to grasp but it’s true.

I’m sure there’s plenty of musicians and actors y’all absolutely adore who you don’t want to marry and/or bang. Heck, I’m positive there’s a good chunk of you who love Miyazaki films. You love his work, you’re a fan of what he does, of his content and you’re a fan of him yet you don’t want to marry and/or bang him. I’m sure a lot of you also have really close platonic friendships that you enjoy.

Assuming I’m only a fan of Tommy to get closer to him and his fans who are minors for some gross reasons is really shitty. NEVER assume the worst in someone like that. Be cautious around adults on the internet in general, sure, but this particular attitude I’ve described is disgusting.

Anyways, beyond that though this rabbit hole goes deeper.

It’s not just people being concerned that an adult is a fan of a content creator who is a minor. People have actually openly shamed and mocked me for being 25 years old in these other servers. Including the one you have to pay monthly to get into in the first place!

And now I go on twitter and I see a post pointing out how silly it is for minors to push adults out of fandom spaces that are based on content created BY ADULTS and the replies are people arguing FOR THE EXCLUSION OF ADULTS?!?!

HELLO?!?!

Are you guys okay?!?!

How is me being a fan of Philza and wanting to interact with other fans of his weird and creepy?? THE MAN IS LITERALLY SEVEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME AND MARRIED WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

I heard that there’s been a lot of drama in the JoJo fandom recently where minors are trying to say the whole fandom needs to be purged of adults??? That it’s meant to be a safe space for children and teenagers?? THE ANIME JOJO’S BIZZARE ADVENTURE?!?! DO Y’ALL KNOW HOW OLD THAT FRANCHISE IS?!?! IT’S OLDER THAN SOME OF YOU!!

Should teenagers have safe spaces in fandom where they don’t have to worry about strange adults if they’re uncomfortable with that? Absolutely.

Should adults be shamed and kicked out of fandom as soon as they become an adult? Should “20” be the age where fandom must stop? Absolutely fucking NOT!

I want so bad to make friendships and be a part of a community of people who enjoy these dorky Minecraft streamers as much as I do. It kills me to open Discord, see all the activity in these servers and shy away at the last minute from joining in because of my age.

I’m rusty on this quote so forgive me if it’s not exact but this has been my life motto since I became an adult and accepted my place in fandom. I think a lot of you guys can learn from it:

“When I became an adult I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”

- C.S Lewis

#long post #mcyt #might as well tag the fandom in specifically talking about the most #you guys seem like so much fun to talk and hang out with #i want to be a real part of this community #y’all are so nice and awesome until my age is discovered or brought up #fucking hell #and don’t say oh just don’t mention your age #cause then I just feel dishonest and like I’m being fake #fandom #discourse #I guess #Kairi Yajuu rambles #Kairi Yajuu rant

4 notes · View notes

sunshinexlollipops · 4 years

Note

ooh do you have time to share some headcanons for an acw modern au where arthur is an art professor and wolf is a new professor and they catch each other’s eye ...

Uh, YES I DO ANON.

OKay so I did start typing this earlier and my phone geeked and crashed tumblr so LETS TRY AND DO THIS AGAIN SHALL WE?

Arthur, as mentioned in the ask, is a popular art professor. Not only is he good at his job, he is known as the heartthrob of the school.

Most online reviews of his course not only compliment his class, but also his ass. And everything else ofc.

One review used the golden ratio about the proportions of his shoulders and hips and since then the staff jokingly calls Arthur “Ponyboy.”

One day, during a staff meeting, Dutch, the dean of the school, informs Arthur and his coworkers that they are getting a new Animal Sciences teacher.

Apart from needing space, the best open location for this new teacher is in the building beside Arthur.

It’s spacious, and Arthur asks why this new professor needs so much space (as he takes up a lot with kilns and other things like drying racks or weaving stations.)

Turns out this new professor has some animals that she is bringing, and so she needs the space for the pets she is bringing into her classroom. Which— oh. Okay.

Arthur doesn’t think anything more of it until the day the animal sciences teacher arrives.

He’s outside, having his class throw paint at canvases to create abstract outlines by using stencils to cover up areas. It’s messy.

Arthur is covered in paint, his denim jeans and shirt splattered all over, and because of the heat, he has some of his shirt’s top buttons undone on his chest, as well as his sleeves rolled up.

(One girl almost faints. Arthur fears heatstroke but in reality it’s Arthur who is too hot.)

Still, he’s in the process of throwing a balloon for a student with an arm cast when Wolf arrives.

Students notice her and they immediately go: wtf are all of our professors gonna be fucking hot or????

He doesn’t see her at first, but he notices that a woman dressed in blouse and fancy dress pants is looking at him.

She’s beautiful. So much so that Arthur drops a balloon without throwing it and gets even more paint all over himself.

The woman chuckles at him and says, “So is this the art course I keep hearing so much about?”

And Arthur be like:

Wolf goes to shake his hand, uncaring for the paint on his palm as she touches him, introducing herself.

She then points to her building and says, “I’m the new Animal Science teacher, the one taking over the neighboring building?”

And Arthur is just like oh yes right right, Dutch mentioned this.

He’s very awkward, flushed and stuttering and rubbing at his neck. But Wolf doesn’t react or judge his nerves.

She smiles at him and tells him “well, I’m getting a look at the place, and I’m moving most of the stuff in tomorrow...” and she pauses, looking Arthur over, “And you know, I think you’d be perfect for helping me, if you could.”

And Arthur’s thirst now be like:

Ofc he agrees to assist Wolf with her move, and she bids him goodbye.

While some are jealous, the students notice Arthur’s reaction and they are IMMEDIATELY invested.

Arthur tries to ignore them, but he can’t get helping Wolf out of his head.

The following day Arthur doesn’t exactly have classes. In fact, it’s supposed to be his day off, but your word is your word and it really isn’t a bad incentive to have someone like Wolf being the one you owe it to.

Still, when he shows up in a worn Johnny Cash shirt and jeans, Wolf is happy to see him.

She’s dressed in sweats and a v-neck and OOF she looks like art in anything.

“Oh thank god you’re here,” she says, “I have a ton of tanks to set up and I need the extra arms.”

“Tanks?” Arthur questions.

“Yes. I have a few animals that I brought here for my class. I have u-haul behind the building— I would be grateful if you helped me unload!”

Arthur, internally: there is another load I could give you but alas I am gentleman first and awkward man second.

Nevertheless, Arthur helps Wolf get her items. He see some vivariums and other enclosures, and he scowls at her supplies, not recognizing any of it for what it is.

“Uh, what’s all this stuff for?” he slides one tank that’s taller than it is wide onto a counter, and he looks inside, taking in the sight of the bromeliads and moss, “You grow plants?”

“That’s my crested gecko’s enclosure!” Wolf chirps, and to Arthur’s surprise, he finds Wolf coming close to him, their shoulders brushing as she unlocked her phone, showing the art professor her lock screen of some lizard, “This is her! This is D’or!”

“D-D’or?” Arthur fucking BUTCHERS the name and almost slaps himself in the face.

Wolf chuckles, “It’s French for golden. She was my first reptile, and she’s the reason I went into animal science as a profession.”

Arthur blinks, “... first reptile?”

“I own others. Another crestie, a leopard gecko, a beardie, a ball python—“

“A python???”

Wolf laughs, “scared of snakes?”

“N-No, just... ain’t big, is it?”

“No. It’s a boy, so he’s smaller. Just a regular too, nothing fancy. Didn’t want to risk getting a morph and end up with something akin to the spider wobble.”

Blinking, Arthur hums, “I’m gonna pretend I just understood what you said...”

“You’re cute,” Wolf tells him, and Arthur??

He be like:

“Come on, there’s a few more things to grab,” Wolf ushers them to the door, and Arthur just follows after her.

While offloading a few more tanks, Wolf makes small talk. She asks about Arthur and his course, and she seems interested.

“I took IB art in high school,” she mentions casually, “Just didn’t pursue anything with it.”

“Really?” Arthur asks, shocked.

“Yeah, animals are more of my thing... but you seem to really love it.”

“Yeah,” he hums, “I do...”

Arthur gets to tell Wolf about what his kids are currently studying— from watercolor techniques to pottery glazes and masking making in Africa.

Wolf seems genuinely interested as they finish emptying her u-haul, and as she closed the tailgate, she smiles at him.

“You know, I need to check your building out. See what you have going on over there. Sounds so cool!”

Arthur blushes, “Y-Yeah... I need to learn more about what you do. Not just for the sake of offerin’ up better conversation, just that... seems cool too.”

Wolf beams at him, “Well, you’re welcome any time... But, I couldn’t have gotten my room set up today without you. You’re a life saver!”

Arthur smirks, ducking his head, “I dunno ‘bout that...”

“Well, I owe you,” Wolf tilts her head at him, smiling ruefully, “What do you say about having dinner together?”

Arthur blinks. Dinner?

We hydratin’ now bitches—

“Oh... I’d... I’d love that.”

“Me too,” Wolf hums, “Do you have any classes later today?”

Shaking his head, Arthur replies, “No. it’s my off day.”

Lightly striking his bicep, Wolf gapes, “Arthur Morgan! Don’t tell me you came on your off day to help me out!”

“Well, when a pretty woman asks you for your help, you don’t say no.”

Wolf smiles with some heat his way, and she crosses her arms over her chest.

“Well, guess I owe you something more than just a dinner.”

Feeling brave, Arthur comes a step closer, “And what would that be, miss? Got another idea of a meal for me?”

“You ass!” Wolf playfully hits his bicep again, but they both laugh.

However... she doesn’t deny it.

“Well, since you’ve been so kind to me today, where would you like to go?”

Smiling, Arthur replies: “With you on my arm, sweetheart? Really don’t matter to me.”

They have dinner and maybe SOME OTHER THINGS and it quickly becomes known that the art and animal science professor have a thing.

Wolf heard about the Ponyboy nickname but Arthur cannot fess up to why it’s a thing. Karen, the business professor, tells her and Wolf can’t stop laughing.

At one point, Arthur uses D’or for a live reference in an art project.

Wolf also catches a wild corn snake that was enjoying the warmth of his kiln in his art room and helped to properly relocate it. (Arthur did not scream, he yelled, okay?)

Arthur may or may not have sketched Wolf a couple of times. (He has. They’re in his sketchbook at home.)

Wolf may or may not have gotten him the new set of paintbrushes he uses during lessons. (She totally did. He didn’t want to spend any of the class’ budget on himself.)

Either way, they’re a package deal, and everyone ships that shit like UPS baby. ;)

#luffy asks #acw #amidst a clash of worlds #acw headcanons #acw ask #wolf acw #arthur acw

12 notes · View notes

rayonfrozenwings · 5 years

Text

Hey mutuals, followers and p0rn bots,

Its my blogs 3rd birthday!

I’ve been lurking, posting, ranting in the SJM fandom on tumblr for three years and that’s kinda Crazy to me.

So here are some fun Facts that kinda evolve into an appreciation post… and then an anecdotal history of this fandom I’ve been a part of. So thanks for hanging round and talking shit with me. :D

if ur tagged it’s just like a thanks or when I met you - lol you don’t have to read the whole thing...

and the rest is under the cut....

I only liked posts for the First month, I never reblogged. It was my first time on tumblr.

I’ve had the same URL since the start

The first post I reblogged and commented on was @miladyaelin ‘s post about a Volcano in the Frozen Wastes - such a wasted opportunity for World destruction that was not used to full potential at all in KoA hahaha - maybe a spin off series? joke.

The first person to reply to one of my asks was abookandacoffee or @bookofmirth 3 months after I joined tumblr and that’s kinda scary because that means we have been speaking longer than we realised.

@propshophannah thanks for letting me go nuts about theory with you!

The Big blogs in the SJM fandom change, and it's cool that being in the fandom for so long means that I get to talk with all these people and make some real friends.

I made read friends from reading books and talking about them - How Cool Is That!

I had fun making shit posts about Dorian’s couch, Rowan’s relationship status after EoS and seeing my friends come up with some pretty clever memes too.

The Art is amazing, and actually getting to talk to artists about their art is something I didn't think would happen ever. So I’m so grateful to tumblr for that.

I want to tag a lot of people but - having been here so long means that urls change and I lose touch - plus I think I would go over the “50 tag limit” easily.

The first kiwi blog who I talked to was @verifiefangirl and we bonded over the Old El Paso advert of “why not both”.

I want to thank those who encouraged me to write my theories, and I did that for the first year on here.

I want to say thank you to the people who told me “You know, you can write your theories as fic and people don't get as angry.” Because you were right! And so that started my writing of fan fic, and thank you to those people who wanted to be tagged and let me know what was up - sorry I haven’t written in a while.

Thank You to @faenet and my Faenet Fam. I joined to share theories, switched it up to write fic, and then evolved into Edits. I was able to learn how discord works and be a part of a team and learn new photo editing skills - I knew nothing before I joined and it's so cool to have become a part of that community.

Thanks to my BookClub brotp - It’s been the best getting to know you all over the last year, discuss books and life. And just have fun. I honestly wouldn't have connected with you guys if we just relied on tumblr because it often requires me to say something first, and i'm not good at that. @theyretheirthere sorry I had to tag you twinnie. :P

Some Fandom History for those who have been here a while ... (well for as long as I have been in the fandom, I know there was a time before this).

Phase One - POST EOS Theory and Beach Scene Debate, Elorcan exists now even tho People still HATE Lorcan (not me but lots of people did). ACOMAF love, nickname of Tam the tampon takes off.

Phase Two - PRE ACOWAR, Moreil Hype, Fandom super excited, Acomaf love, Rhysand love.

Phase Three - ACOWAR IS AWFUL - Dumpsters on Fire, lots of fandom people left. The ones who stayed had discourse about Moriel, Mor’s sexuality, Nessian, the ending and how it was rushed, Azriel is a smol cinnamon roll who deserved better - lots of Az fics and the birth of Elriel started here.

Phase Four - TOG FANDOM ARE MAD because Chaol’s novella turned into a Novel. Cyber bullying of Chaol lovers in fandom led to a lot of blogs leaving - just be kind to one another, you can talk about stuff without personal attacks.

Phase Five - WE ARE ALL GOING STIR CRAZY, Someone released a TOD mock cover and there was a lot of ableist stuff going on. Bad time in fandom.

Phase six - TOD Came out - Lots of people refused to read, other people felt vindicated about theories, other people were shocked about Maeve. Praise and Hate towards the book and for how SJM handled race and disability. Was she being sensitive or appropriating? Mixed Reviews, again fandom got a little smaller. Acotar Fandom was taking off in terms of fics.

Phase Seven - Acotar Fandom PRE ACOFAS Fan Fic Mania. Most of us re-read acotar, acomaf, acowar and Fix-it fics, Nessian Fics, Feysand Fics, Lots of Fics. Lots of Art. I noticed the ACOTAR fandom kinda took off while the TOG one floundered.

Phase Eight - A New Novella for ACOTAR, ACOFAS - lots of hype. Lots of mixed reviews - “it had no plot” or “I love it” or “I don't like how the first pov changed depending on the character” or “Yay christmas!!!” or “boo wall scene” or “yay Wall scene!!” Again - more fics and art came from it. Snowball fight was a highlight, art was gorgeous, Amren as a snowball was also good. Fandom was flourishing again, yes we lost some people but we also had a resurgence in creative content.

Weird non-phase - Catwoman: Soul Stealer, was released but wasn't a “must read” for many people.

Phase Nine - Pre KoA, Fandom was Hyped! We were all doing our re-reads, theories came out again, discussions about favourite quotes of things we had forgotten were shared. Again - Some good ToG fic came out because people had it fresh in their minds again - we were preparing. Edits were great, lots of Edits, Lots of Art.

Phase Ten - KoA Came out and destroyed us. Fandom was relatively quiet while people abandoned tumblr to read it. Anti’s came out in force, they had more to say about it that the fans did. Fans didn't see this immediately because they weren't on tumblr. About a month after release, We got Meta and discourse on KoA and what it means and what Aelin’s story has meant to us personally. Edits started taking off again. This Phase is still ongoing even a year later. Personally I am in Awe of that book and what it managed to achieve, I wanted to re-read it straight away but it still has so many parts that HURT to read.

New people slowly trickle into fandom, or pick up the books, its sweet, but as a veteran sometimes seeing the same arguments gets tiring and so I dont comment as much as I used to. I’m still here reading, but I don't really want to write another essay like the ones I've previously written to defend a point so i’m quiet.

Where I think it will go next?

Most of the people who remain in the fandom are good at looking at things with a critical eye but saying “I can still enjoy a book”, which I like.

We will get hyped as a fandom for Crescent City which was pushed back to March 2020, even if we are unsure it’s what we want, I don't think we can help ourselves.

ACOTAR 4 is in the works with no confirmed release date, just vague mention that it was being pushed back - twas supposed to be 2020 but I'm doubtful, especially if other titles are pushed back first like CC:HOEAB - it was by three months from Jan to March.

WOTOG was also pushed back, first from release with EoS, then from release with ToD and now from release with KoA (those are all goodreads dates as I was waiting for it and keeping an eye out, but we also had novels added and other books like acofas - goodreads also isn't the best at staying on top of release dates)…. we have had mention of it that it will include art and is co-authored by Lynette Noni, so It is still being made at least - I mean I don't have to cry about it being cancelled just yet. And So I have to stay around for those. I became invested in the World building of TOG to not wait for WOTOG.

So yeah, it’s been a wild 3 years. <3

#you dont need to read all this i just started writing and couldnt stop #obviously its my own experience as we all take highlights from things differently #renee rambles #renee rambles about her three years on tumblr #i might do another post for how im gonna celebrate but i need to organise it and i havent yet so something is kinda in the works #i only realised two days ago that i had been here so long #perks of not deleting my 52000 unread emails #so yea #i really want to tag everyone but wont #because if i miss someone ill be so sad #nice fandom is nice #sjm fandom #to scared to tag it with other fandom tags

33 notes · View notes

dont-reblog--i-moved · 5 years

Text

Thank you, little side of tumblr.

This post might be pretty heavy for some so tw for depression/mental illness/abuse uwu

It's also really long. Sorry. 😅

🌸

As many of you already know, I struggle a lot with my mental health. Especially living at a time and place where I can't really get the help I desperately need to handle it appropriately. As some of you may not know, I have struggled with my mental health throughout my entire life, stemming from disorders I was born with to several different sources of trauma and abuse during my childhood alone. This all went unchecked and untreated in me until it accumulated into an intense, months long breakdown in 2015/16. It was so bad that I am still very slowly recovering from the nothingness I filled my days with, which caused my brain to lower its tolerance a huge amount to everyday things like fatigue and typical life obstacles. I am so meek and timid compared to how I used to be. Not that I was super confident by any means, but you get my drift.

Now, one of my biggest coping mechanisms has always been little stuff. I never knew anything about littlespace or cgl growing up, so I never had a Daddy or anything like that when I was younger, I can promise you that much. But I did naturally enjoy doing (ns) little stuff like watching Blue's Clues and wearing Yo Gabba Gabba t-shirts in middle school and similar stuff. I did, however, feel like a freak for always really wanting to watch even smaller shows unironically or playing with baby toys and the like. So I avoided getting too deep into it. Still, little things were a very strong and reliable source of comfort for me for most of my life.

That's why I was so ecstatic to find out about cgl a couple years ago. I was already learning about bdsm and d/s dynamics in general, and was already calling my bf Daddy in bed bc it felt good, so connecting all these dots in my life really helped make me feel whole. It made me feel like I wasn't a freak. That I belonged somewhere, and that there were people just like me, who just need a little extra help bc of the cards life had dealt them being so shitty.

Anyway, one of the things I struggle with a lot more now than in the past (or maybe I'm just more aware of it) is sensory overload. I mostly get it from light/sound, but I get it from things around or in front of me moving too quickly as well. Especially if I'm forcing myself to keep up. I sometimes can get to where I can move on that level, but then I can't shut it off when I step away from the fast moving whatever and my anxiety is fucked for a while. Sometimes a long while.

When I got into sex work back in August, I was enjoying it a lot, but Daddy got uncomfortable so I took a break for a bit. He got more comfy with it after I explained some of the aspects in more detail and promised not to overwhelm myself by offering services I wasn't fully confident in doing. This helped me enjoy it a bit more when I got back into it in December. The bad thing tho, is that this is when the nipple purge happened on tumblr, so I was forced to move to Twitter. I deleted my old blog soon after for many reasons, one of the biggest being all the stolen porn I had on there from when I didn't understand the severity of sharing it. :/ So having only my sex work and littlespace Twitter really started eating at me when I realized that it moves so incredibly fast compared to other sites (esp tumblr) and the fact that on Twitter, you are just you. You are not hidden behind a page of pretty aesthetics unless you really work at it. It's catered much more to people who love to blab all day long about whatever they want to talk about. This made me feel pretty vulnerable, and I wound up deleting my ls Twitter bc I disliked it and (some of) the people on it so much.

I was already struggling a lot with a rough seasonal depression on top of my normal disorders, and Twitter littles were really alienating me from littlespace bc of how personal each of them took the different ways people would be little. It was very discouraging, to say the least.

Now that I've stepped away from sw and Twitter for a bit, and plan to stay away for a while, I've found myself falling in love with littlespace things again. Seeing all the cute things here on tumblr, especially seeing how littlespace can help so many of you with your personal issues, has really made me feel closer to home with being little. I'm drawing and coloring more, I'm talking little more, but most importantly, I'm feeling little again. I was so scared I was losing that side of me due to that depression. But more than anything, I think I was investing myself in the wrong type of community. I can't stand the toxic hostility of Twitter. Everything is a witch hunt there. While we do have strong antis here on tumblr, we have what I believe to be an incredibly strong support system as well. I love my fellow littles who show respect, follow rules, and work to educate others, even just thru reblogs. You guys really make me feel like I belong. And when I see y'all talking about handling your stress better thru being little, it makes my heart so very happy and filled with hope. I'm so proud of you all. But I'm also so proud of me, for stepping away from something I thought I needed, and coming back to where I feel needed and appreciated.

So thank you, little friends. Your cute pictures and drawings and colorings and stories and ask games and littlespace ideas are such a huge source of inspiration for me! And I hope my content can be inspiring for you as well.

Let's all love being little together, forever. :) 💖

#Katie blabs #Looong #I love my little friends #Tw: depression #Tw: mental illness #tw: mental health #tw: mental disorder #tw: mental breakdown #tw: abuse #tw: child abuse #tw: trauma

7 notes · View notes

closetcasefabray · 5 years

Text

Blue + Yellow (1 / 2)

@coeurdastronaute’s “colors” soulmates au inspired me to write a different take. thank weird tumblr app crap for the formatting and two parts. still a rather unedited & rushed drabble/fic, but i had to write it and wanted to share so here’s this messy, sappy thing. (forever a sucker for this sort of stuff. also clexa.)

Blue + Yellow

Part 1 / 2

“The leaves are green, Daddy,” you say, skipping through the park on a rare September afternoon your dad has off from work. You don’t think much of your comment, really, because you’re too busy taking in the world now to talk about it, but this simple statement makes him stop in his tracks as you skip ahead.

He clears his throat and picks up his stride again, so you keep skipping along. “Did you learn that in school, hon?”

“Well, yeah,” you say with a roll of your eyes at the memory of tedious flashcard lessons with your classmates, all of you droning back the colors and pairing with an object that color, “but now I don’t have to memorize everything,” you add with pride.

“When did you start seeing colors?” he asks, his voice soft as you take his hand, opting to walk beside him instead. When you look up at him, he’s looking at you with shining eyes, and you feel a hundred nervous butterflies in your stomach, wondering if you should have said something sooner.

“Yesterday morning, just a little,” you say, feeling less worried when your dad gives your hand a little squeeze. “Today it’s all super bright, though.”

“Yesterday at school?”

“Before school, when I woke up? ... I think.” You remember your head hurt at school the day before, and you were tired as soon as you got home from Kids’ Club after school. You don’t remember seeing any colors though, not until the next morning. “Like... some of my cereal was green... and the limes in the fruit bowl!”

″That’s good, Clarke,” your dad says with a bright smile, picking you up into a tight hug. You both growl into your “bear hug” like always.

“So does that mean I’ll meet someone like you or Mommy? Or I’ll fall in love like you and Mommy?” you ask as your dad adjusts his arms to carry you like when you were smaller. You try to remember what your parents told you about seeing colors some day, so you close your eyes to think because what was once mindless, dreary gray is now a loud, growing spectrum of color.

“It means you’ve already met them.”

“I don’t feel like I’m in love.”

“It just might take time, hon.”

You’re quiet for a moment as you think about this new information. After a few moments of silence, you open your eyes and look at your dad with eyes like yours. “Ewwww, I hope it’s not that boy, Bellamy. I like his sister, Octavia. She’s in my class. But he plays too rough at recess.”

You’ll always remember the sound of your father’s laughter at that, three perfect laugh lines at the corners of his blue eyes. You laugh too, and you feel his deep chuckle rumble in his chest against yours. You wrap your arms around him tighter as you pass under a row of trees on the path, and the green leaves rustling in the wind seem to laugh with you both—everything easy and gentle.

A week passes, and now you can see the colors of the rainbow and everything in-between R.O.Y.G.B.I.V. Your art teacher, Mr. Kane, lets you stay in the art room during Kids’ Club after school. He cleans and prepares lessons while you mix the few paints he has in search of your new favorite color. Because of your immediate gravitation toward art, you parents invest in a paint set. You know they’re expensive and for grown-ups because most paint sets aren’t made for kids; painting is a skill mostly adults learn.

Your parents never seem concerned about their five-year-old having met her soulmate, but you do overhear parts of one hushed argument. Your dad insists on asking other parents at the school, and your mom says something about it making sense “in due time.” They both conclude they’re “old-fashioned,” and you’re not sure what that means, but you hear them kiss and decide to go back to bed.

You know it isn’t common for children to see colors so early and you know you’re the youngest in your small town to have found their soulmate... kind of. Out of curiosity, you start asking your classmates if they see in color too, but they all say no. Some even tease you because grown-ups see colors, and they kiss and have coodies.

You learn to be more subtle about it after.

It’s a Friday, so your mom picks you up to go to the park instead of Kids’ Club. She’ll work late, overnight into Saturday evening, sometimes well past Sunday afternoon, so she spends the time she can with you.

It’s been almost a month since you started school and began seeing the world in color. It makes you tired, trying to explain it and understand it. You're pretty sure you’ve learned all you need to know as a five-year-old and no one in school sees what you do, so you dramatically asked your dad, “What’s the point?” and threw yourself back onto your bed when he tried to get you up for school this past Monday. He had to explain that school lasts basically forever, but some day you can go to a grown-up school and just study art if you want, “if you work at it.” So you fill your nights and weekends with coloring and drawing and painting, which is much more exciting than learning math and the alphabet.

You played tag for a bit with Wells and Octavia, but they had to go home and right now you’re happy sitting at a picnic table with your crayons and activity book. Your mom talks with another mother nearby, waving and coming over to see what you’re coloring every so often. Crayons aren’t very fun; they don’t blend well and they’re made cheap and in weird hues that starkly contrast each other for kids who only see in greys, but they’re all you have since your mom won’t let you bring your paint set or special paper and brushes anywhere but art class or home.

“What are you doing?” a voice asks.

"Coloring,” you say, finishing the last petal of a sunflower. “Do you wanna color with me?” You look up and you remember her from a few weeks ago. You remember her pretty face and dark hair and the same skirt she had on for school. Now you can see her skirt is charcoal—boring and almost exactly the same as before—but her hair is brown, almost auburn in the early evening sunlight. Most of all, you notice her eyes—green like those laughing leaves.

“I’m not very good,” the girl says timidly.

You’re used to this; most kids like tracing or doodling because coloring is like schoolwork—you have to memorize everything, like, “the sky is blue, the sun is yellow, the grass is green.” You decide the grass nearby is a much uglier green than you see in this other girl’s eyes.

“That’s okay,” you say, scooting over to make room on the bench. “I can help.”

She takes off her backpack to sit at the picnic table. “Your name is Clarke, right?” she asks as she settles beside you.

You nod.

“I’m Lexa,” she says to remind you.

You appreciate it because you didn’t remember it. You feel your cheeks get warm and repeat Lexa in your head over and over so you’ll remember for next time. You notice she kept on her school skirt but changed out of the white polo private school kids wear, opting for a soft-yellow t-shirt with a sun in sunglasses on it. “You go to St. Mary’s, don’t you?”

“Mhm.” Lexa picks up a crayon and fiddles with it nervously as she looks at it for a moment.

“You use that one for the sky,” you say, ripping out a page from your activity book for her to color—a sailboat on the water with the sun in the sky.

″I know,” she replies quietly, beginning to color the sky, careful not to get blue in the lines of the sun or sailboat.

“Sorry,” you say, unsure if you should ask if she knows her colors from school or sees them like you. Instead you decide to say, “I know you from that coffee place.“

“Mhm.”

“Our moms were sleepy and getting coffee before school.”

“She’s not my mom,” Lexa says. She doesn’t sound upset, but she keeps her attention focused on coloring the sky.

“Oh, well she was a nice lady,” you say with a shrug, “and you were in your uniform. Is it weird wearing a uniform?”

“No, but I can get ready for school real fast.”

“Hm... It just seems kind of boring to me.”

Lexa laughs and you smile at the sound and sight of her grin. “It is,” she agrees.

You chew your lip nervously before asking, “What’s your favorite color?”

Lexa looks at the half-colored paper before turning toward you to sit criss-cross applesauce. She tilts her head and hums as she thinks for a moment. “Blue... or yellow. I haven’t decided. What’s yours?”

“Blue plus yellow.”

“Equals green. Like pine trees.”

“What are pine trees?”

“Christmas trees but without the lights and stuff hanging on them.”

“Oh, yeah! I like that green. I like all kinds of green!”

“Lexa,” a voice calls, interrupting your smiles and conversation, “we have to go back to the house to pack.” A girl appears beside the table and picks up Lexa’s backpack. She looks much older and cooler than you, and also like she could scare Bellamy. Before you can say a word, the girl huffs and starts walking off.

“Sorry. That’s my sister. I’ve gotta go,” Lexa says, setting down her crayon. “Thanks for letting me color with you.”

You pout and you think your heart knows what’s happening more than you have words for. “Will you be here tomorrow?”

“Let’s go, Lexa,” the other girl demands; despite the frustration in her voice, she mostly seems sad.

Lexa shakes her head. “Today was my last day at St. Mary’s. We’re moving to New York City tomorrow with my new family.”

“Oh...” the sound seems to fall out of your chest. “I’ll see you again some day though,” you manage with a smile. “My dad and Mr. Kane say if I work hard enough and paint, one day I could make art in a city or go to school there.”

Lexa smiles back. “OK.”

“You want your coloring?” you ask, offering her the unfinished page.

“You keep it. Paint something yellow or blue for me when you come to New York. Like a sunset or your hair... or your eyes. I like your eyes,” she pauses before adding, “Yeah, I think blue is my favorite. but yellow is my second favorite.”

“OK, I promise.”

“See you later, Clarke.”

You wave goodbye and some minutes later, when you’re by yourself and can’t seem to color because the sunset looks too golden, your mom comes over to check on you. “Did you make a friend, Clarke?”

“Yeah. I think so.”

Part 2 / 2

#clexa fic #clexafic #ccf fic #closetcasefabray #ccf drabble #clexa au #fic: blue plus yellow #fic: bpy #clexa #soulmates au

19 notes · View notes