#i should have gone tonight
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Gonna go running tomorrow!!!! Gotta hype myself up because i know once my alarm goes off at 6am i will not be as excited anymore ((((: BUT I'LL GO RUNNING!!!!
#i just#need to get some actual exercise#where i can completely exhaust myself#i mean. i get some pretty exhausting 10 minutes every morning on my hike to class#but i want something a bit longer and something that will end in a nice shower and not in a seminar room#I'm just a bit scared of how it'll go because so far the paths where people exercise are also occupied by other people#and then there's bikes that might kill you if you don't watch out#so i wanna go early so i hopefully avoid random people taking a painfully slow walk in the middle of the path#so you can't pass them#but I'll be moving!!! fast!! i cannot wait tbh#i should have gone tonight#(watch me oversleep and be too unmotivated to go tomorrow morning... istg if i don't get up at 6#I'll still go at 8 or 9 or 10 am and have to live with the consequences of the paths being crowded#I'd go to bed early but my neighbors keep me up until 2am every night so that's fun#but the running will be worth it#(I'm not even a runner ㅠㅠ i just need to substitute my usual high intensity workouts with something other than pilates and yoga#i mean it's definitely not bad to be forced to do something out of my comfort zone but i really miss my jumping around time)#void screams
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he made a friend :)
#using every brush to sketch with tonight#but alas I probably should have gone to bed like 3 hours ago#eh#doodle tag
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I hope people remember.
When Gaza is razed to the ground I hope people remember those who were lost. When the rest of the Palestinians who are being massacred all across Palestine are gone I hope the world remembers them all. I hope those who loved them celebrate their memory.
I hope the people whose hands are coated in the blood of these beautiful, brave people remember. I hope they are haunted by their actions every single moment of their entire lives. I hope they feel the suffering that every single Palestinian felt every second of their lives. I hope it's the last thought in their head when they die.
I will remember. I will never forgive.
#palestine#current events#the entire sky is red in gaza tonight#im trying so hard every day to keep it together but every single day this continues a piece of me is carved out#everytime I think it cannot get worse it does#im so worried that my friend will stop replying to my messages bc shes gone and I wont know it until later#shes a school teacher there#shes the most beautiful soul and im so sickened to think of her being gone#if she is taken from me I'll hate the entire world#and now they've e n tered the west bank and i have family there and I cannot stop thinking every day I'll get the news they are gone too#just like the 50 familes ENTIRE familes that were slaughtered#im so stressed everyday that im physically sick#and like I should be used to this bc this happens every year and im always hearing about someone dying but its never been like this before#never like this#they never saw us as humans and now they are exterminating us#ive looked into those soldiers eyes as a child and I saw no humanity for me there#tw: genocide
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Cordelia: I’m in love with your best friend.
Matthew: You’re in love with Thomas? The gay man?
Cordelia: No, the one that’s like your brother.
Matthew: Charles? Charles.
Cordelia: No, that’s a Fairchild-
Matthew: Oh, I’m a Fairchild. You’re in love with me? Me!
Cordelia: I’m in love with James.
Matthew: My best friend?
#anyway this is how paris should have gone#the fact that fairstairs was even humored. I have to laugh.#tsc#the shadowhunter chronicles#tlh#the last hours#chain of thorns#chot spoilers#cot spoilers#matthew fairchild#cordelia carstairs#james herondale#jordelia#btw I’m setting up my queue tonight so posts will be back on
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I have a funny feeling I won't be able to talk tomorrow my throat is agony
#like it hurt a little earlier but its been getting worse and worse as the evening has gone on#talking isn't easy#there's a part of me that hopes I'll just be knocked flat tomorrow because then I won't have to do the 'should I go to church or not' thing#because I DO want to go but if I'm sick I shouldn't but if I feel better it'll be fine#blah blah you know#rambles from the floor#gosh I've been talkative tonight
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disordered eatings cw
just realized i haven't experieienced haunger in like a week and therefore i keep forgetiting to eat and that is prorbably nogt helping with my energy prohblems...turns out hunger is good for something eafter all. but i just have literally no appetite whatsoever like where did it go??
#i've gone through periods before of not being very hungry or not having much of an appetite but this is#next level like i can't rememebr feeling at all hungry in any way for sevral days running#maybe i should take my sleeping pill that stimulates appetite tonight#not sure how wowrried about this i should be because like the biggest problem is that i'm not eating#because i'm not hungry and time has no meaning so i forget. and i should be eating#so maybe i don't need to solve the appentite problem if i just solve the eating problem in steqaed?#but how to solvd tghe eating problem?#i will tell my friend to text me three times a day#wow i am such a smartypants
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hehe —
nice.
#✯ — [ ʰᵒʳˢᵉˢ ᶤᶰ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵃᶜᵏ ] ⨯ ooc#not nice actually#get your fuckin shit together reiikon oh my fuckin GOD —#sorry for my absence i am burned out.#not from this.#but work.#i've had to save the last of my pto for my upcoming trip next week. so it's been a minute since i've had an actual break from it all.#heading up to indi for my grandparent's memorial thing#i'll be gone for about a week.#BUT I'LL HAVE INTERNET. and a lot of down time i think. so i'm hoping to be around some.#so look forward to that i guess.#i have tomorrow off#and then i work one day#and then i'm heading out.#just so y'all know — but otherwise i should be around for a little bit tonight#and a lotta bit tomorrow.#tbd
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What if Thenas past visits them once again? This time they asks for Gil’s service for a whole day to chop some wood for them. Maybe he meets Eros while he is at the castle?👀
For the runaway bride au
"I've heard a lot of you and your work."
Gil kept his head down and forward, chopping at the thick log, just enough to leave marks in it.
"The townspeople revere you--say you've helped every single one of them with something from a baby's crib to half their house."
He swiped at his forehead with his sleeve, moving to make a divet in the middle of the length of wood.
"When they said we would need a workman to help with me moving into the castle, I said why not find this lumberjack fellow?"
Yes, and Gil was honoured to be chosen. That was his official statement anyway. He certainly couldn't say that he loathed the idea of being here and working for not only Thena's tyrannical father, but her supposed 'fiance' as well.
It was actually Thena who had insisted he take the job. He was ready to turn it down, even if they offered him all the money in the world. But she was right when she said it would be more suspicious of him to turn down the work, especially considering they had suspected him once before.
So, he was here, working for the king and the idiot prince. But he had still insisted Thena not be in the cabin today, just in case they had sent men there to spy on it while he wasn't around.
"So, how's it coming?"
Gil grunted, pulling his personal axe out of the tree and sheathing it beside him. He had been here, chattering away at him, hadn't he? He sighed, "well, your highness."
"Use the saw to cut here and here," Gil directed some of the other workers present to assist him in the busywork, "then strip the bark. Call to me when you're done so I can inspect it. Then we'll move onto the next part."
"Yes, sir."
He wasn't used to - or comfortable with - people calling him that.
"So, Mister Lumberjack," the prince started up again, not paying the slightest attention to the break in his ceaseless talking. "I hear you have a lovely little cabin out in the woods."
Who would he have heard that from? Gil turned, trying not to seem overtly wary of this man he detested just from heresay. "Oh?"
"I've been out in those woods myself," Eros finally paused, looking out past the castle gates and gazing into the surrounding woods. "I've set foot in those woods in search of...something."
That was a very mysterious way of saying he had hunted Thena like an escaped animal.
Gil attached his axe to his belt again and went to the drinking water set out for him. "The woods are dangerous, your highness. Best not to let yourself get lost in them."
"Indeed," the prince agreed, again drifting along with Gil as if he had found a friend in his reluctantly listening ear. It wasn't as if he had much a choice. "You may never return, I take it."
Gil left it at that, maybe even hoping Eros would just shut up and let him continue his work. The sooner he was done, the sooner he could go home to Thena.
Thena and her smiles, so happy to see him. Thena and her horribly chopped vegetables, and her blueberry cobbler, and her tea--either far too weak or far too strong, but he loved it both ways.
"I am moving to Lord Arishem's castle because I am looking for my wife."
Gil bristled, not that he expected Eros to notice it. But it was one thing to hear Eros go on and on and on about Thena, despite them knowing each other all of what--a month? And 'knowing each other' was already a generous term for it.
But to hear Eros call Thena his wife was a new kind of slight.
"She...went missing," Eros sufficed to say.
Gil nodded, trying to think of what a normal person might say in such a situation. Someone who wasn't in fact living with the missing in question. "I'm sorry to hear that, your highness."
"But I will not stop until I have found and retrieved her," Eros stated with a renewed sense of determination. He eyed Gilgamesh, "would you let anything stand between you and the woman you love?"
"No," Gil answered quickly and firmly. Maybe a little too quickly and too firmly, but it was honest. He looked at the prince, with his shoulders squared and drawn back, all perfect posture and thick hair and a prim and spotless suit. He looked at the forest as well, "no, I wouldn't."
"Y'see?" Eros put on his smile once again, and Gil swore he could see that the veneer of it only got thinner and thinner the longer he was around this charlatan. "You and I are of the same ilk, sir Lumberjack."
Gil sincerely hoped not.
"Have you ever seen anything in those woods?"
Gil took another sip from the bucket before throwing some over his head to cool off. "Like what, your highness?"
"Like something - or someone - that doesn't belong there."
Gil ruffled his hair with the linen also provided, "no, sire, I can't say I have."
"What is your name, again?"
He wouldn't have expected the guy to remember his name. "Gilgamesh, sir."
"Gilgamesh," Eros looked at him, as if looking him in the eyes didn't make his skin crawl. "I would like to confess something to you."
"Uh," Gil shifted on his feet before grounding himself. He swallowed down his anxiety. "S-Sure, your highness."
"I have heard whispers that there is a beautiful wood sprite in that forest," Eros whispered, and yet it came out much more sinister in Gil's eyes. "I know it's her. I know she couldn't have gotten that far. And I will find her."
Gil had half a mind to ask what kind of threat that was. But he rested his hand on his axe and forced a smile on his face, "I'm sure you will, your highness."
Eros turned a more suspicious eye on him. Gil froze, waiting for whatever he was going to say next. "You're a strapping fellow, Gilgamesh. You've never married?"
Gil squirmed again, thoughts bubbling up about a certain blonde 'wood sprite' picking berries in a sunlit glen. "Lumberjacking is solitary work, your highness. I, uh, don't get out much."
Eros nodded with a completely nonplussed expression, "my sympathies."
Gil looked at the other workmen; couldn't they saw any faster?!
"I'm sorry, Gilgamesh," Eros lamented, sighing loudly. "It must seem terribly haughty of me to come here and complain about my woes while you fashion my room furnishings."
Yes, it was. "Not at all, your highness."
"I miss her."
Of all the things Eros had said, this made Gil the most uncomfortable. He didn't want to look at the expression Eros was making, but he had to know. He looked behind him, finding a wistful, almost sad expression on the younger man's face.
Gil unsheathed his axe again, moving to another piece of wood. "Did you...did you know her long, your highness?"
"No," Eros admitted freely as Gil started chopping again, "but the time I did know her was more than enough to inspire love."
Gil knew how unfortunately true that was. He swung his axe again. He was out of sympathies for this pampered rich boy.
"Thank you, Gilgamesh, for listening to my woes," Eros brushed off his shoulders, adorned in gold. "I will leave you to your work, sir."
"Yes, your highness," Gil muttered. This couldn't be over soon enough.
"I'm sure we will see each other again."
That also sounded ominously like a threat. But he kept that to himself. He refused to give anyone here any reason to suspect him, no less go sniffing around in the woods again.
#Thenamesh Runaway Bride AU#I love this ask thank you so much!#Gil carries on with his work#trying not to think about having to be all buddy-buddy with Thena's ex#in a sense of the word that is#Eros is like I liked talking with you we should do this again#Gil thinks he'd rather cut down every tree in the forest singlehanded#but he just goes yeah sounds great#when he gets home he looks like he's been gone for a month straight with no sleep or food or water#Thena asks if he's okay#what happened out there?!#he just leans on her and says he needs to go to bed early tonight
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need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw 😭😭
I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO
#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl#i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads#but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice''#practice is not going to fix the dissociation 😭😭 practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl#it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits#and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot#but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road#i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH.#he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit#and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ????#also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl#and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper#its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ???#ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town#and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times#MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL#im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord#IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING#i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think#so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly#during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone#but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us#so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl#AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM#driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl#after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad#but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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im awful at taking hiatus’ srsly but just as i did at the top of last year, its time again to take a break away from hellsite. there’s stuffs that i need to prioritize first! will return at the back end of feb 💛 queue will cont on as usual but pls tag me (#userjjessi) in all your edits
— see ya around ✨
#this is jessi#ill still be catching a few shows live while im away#lll be watching todays gap later tonight and then every live ep coming up#and i should be caught up on msp by mid feb so ill def be back before the finale#ill pop in a few times once im caught up to lurk the tag#who will keep the bots away while im gone tho lol#theyll have to keep you company until im back#they dont say much anyways
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nothing like being an autistic with pigsty room habits and hearing your landlord say 'i need to go into your room tomorrow to do something'.
suddenly my motivation is at 100% and i just cleaned most of my room (or hid stuff i couldn't get out atm) non stop for an hour and a half straight. tfw when your sole life motivation is fear of immediate consequences :')
#all i need to do is some more laundry tonight (i did laundry yesterday and the day before)#so The Pile is almost at acceptable levels#find somewhere to store my sheets chucked on the chair#vacuum#and make my bed#record time bruh#for the laundry if i delicate wash the knits like i've been meaning to forever#the majority of the bulk should be gone#the desk and my vanity can stay messy that's fine#as long as i have removed the garbage and it's all actual STUFF not bottles and receipts and empty tissue boxes
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Depression be like have I not showered in a week?????
#i was like i should try to shower tonight i guess#then i was like cause i did not shower yesterday or the day before or the day before....or the day before....or the day before#and now i just dont even know when i did shower#it might have been 8 days ago dawg im not even sure#my hair doesnt look 8 days gone though#idek#maybe i took a morning shower that i dont remember#mental health#depression
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.
#we had to put my dog down tonight and my chest hurts so bad ohhhhh my god#ok not really looking to get into it but i just need to type it out....and then post it on my tumblr#i dont know#its just so hard because you know she was fifteen and having bowel issues and her muscles were weak etc#but she was also still with it and playful and she was still trying to run around the yard tonight#and it doesnt even feel like she's really gone like it feels like i should wake up tomorrow and she'll be back in her bed#and she had a mass on her paw that had come back again after it had been removed before so i know it would have only been a matter of time#but a part of me just feels so torn like she could have still lived longer#i dont know sorry this is a lot for a monday evening i am just having a moment#and also i am incredibly weird about death
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health anxiety/hypochondria is insane bc you will hear a weird noise in your ear and 5 minutes later will have fully convinced yourself that you're about to have an aneurysm and have come to terms with your own death
#jess speaks#vent#i should NOT have googled my symptoms btw. mistake number one when you have health anxiety#anyway the noise is gone now and i hope it doesn't come back#anxiety is bad tonight for some reason :/
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I’m gonna try something
I’m currently staying with a male partner. Something about this week has got me thinking.
Later tonight, I’m going to sternly give him a direct instruction and see how he responds. See how /I/ feel about it too. We have good boundaries; he’ll say no if he wants to.
I wanna see what happens though 👀
#text#personal#k!nk#spicy#I have bossed him around before#but I’ve been actively trying to be less bossy#and I think maybe#with him specifically#I should have gone the other direction#so tonight I’m gonna test this theory#see how bad he wants to be bossed around
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those kool aid commercials are crazy faded and have a light blue tone but i've been playing around with color correction... here's a slightly better looking version just for funsies
#also im uploading everything NOWWWW it should hopefully be in the monkees google drive later tonight :-) (i'll post when it's done)#i hope ppl enjoy it. it's a massive massive treasure trove and i haven't even gone through all of it myself#a lot of individual clips have been on youtube but having stuff in actual archival quality is just... wow#monkees#oc
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