#i say whatever the fuck because everything i am feeling rn would trigger many people if i described it
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GOD i wish my psychiatrist would put me on antipsychotics again i miss good sleep and not whatever the fuck im feeling rn
#i say whatever the fuck because everything i am feeling rn would trigger many people if i described it#they should shoot me with a blowdart from 50 feet away thats filled with the most numbing thing known to man#i wish i could call out of work tomorrow i just wanna stay in bed#genuinely wondering how im gonna get through the work day tomorrow especially since i have to do extra bullshit#theyre making me cup everything in the hot bar and wing bar at 2:00 PM and then remake everything at 4:00#and then i get to cup up everything again at 6:00! its to minimize waste but the bosses are too fucking stupid to realize thats gonna double#and i worked my ass off til 11:00 PM cleaning for the audits and we passed for the first time and the managers didnt say shit to me#they gave all the praise to one of the coworkers but not me the person who did equally as much work#and now im dealing with 94739028392 traumatic memories and workplace drama and this household and school#and the alter without a name (not NoName) wants to let the impulsive thoughts win and i cant allow that to happen
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Madara and Obito... In SPACE
So the preface to this mess: I don’t know jackshit about Star Wars, so a lot of this went through friends who do know Star Wars (the primary of which does not have a tumblr).
(I have watched Episodes 7&8, and Rogue One. Of the first six movies, I remember watching maybe an hour total. I have not seen more than snatches of Clone Wars. Beyond that, nothing but fic.)
Anyway! Let’s go:
As y’all probably know by now, my favorite form of crossover is what I call “intrusive,” so... I'm enjoying the mental concept of "dump Madara on Coruscant and watch him go."
(Prequels, probably.)
Does Madara know what's going on? No. Can he understand a word that's being said? No! Is he going to fight the first person to aim a weapon at him, and every person after that? Yes.
Is Madara fighting fit?
Nnnnnnnnnnnnnno, not really, he’s old as balls. This is "I was on cave life support but I'm getting back up to kick ass out of pure spite" Madara.
[Image description: A screenshot of a panel of the Naruto Manga. Uchiha Madara is old and visibly ‘decrepit,’ with spiky white hair and an amorphous black robe. He is sitting on a pale throne, and there is a scythe visible to the side. He has a speech bubble saying “I am... a ghost of the Uchiha.” End Description]
Two wrinkly old guys, staring each other down: There ain't enough room in this universe for the two of us.
[Palpatine and Madara start fighting to the death]
Congrats, Palpatine! Your ass is getting kicked by a geriatric malcontent who doesn't speak any language you've ever heard or feel like literally anything in the Force. You may have Sith lightning, but do you have decades of frontline experiences and over half a century of cave-dwelling bitterness?
Both of them, simultaneously, in completely different languages: Get off my lawn, whipper-snapper.
Palpatine: Behold my mastery of the Dark Side, Foolish old man!
Palpatine: [shoots lightning]
Madara: Oh hey, you're like the seventeenth most dangerous person who can shoot lightning I've fought. Telekinesis? Fought that. Combat precognition? Fought that, have that, and let me tell you hwat, it doesn't help if you're opponent is just that much faster than you.
Now, I’ll take a step back and acknowledge that several people advised me that Palpatine would stand a chance against Madara, likely even win, if Madara just got hacked off of his life support and is down to one eye.
But. I want a shitpost, and also to clown on Palpatine, so Madara wins easily.
Madara also deserves to be clowned on, but the entire situation is clowning on him because he’s not in his cave anymore, and he really wants to go back to his Gedou Mazou statue.
Maybe Madara and Palpatine go Old Man Fight and then Obito just pulls a Ninja Move and kills Palpatine that way. Madara was ranting and Obito just. Ninjas behind Palpatine and slits his throat like “okay, you’re obviously evil so like... bye.”
(I just love causing "Wait what" reactions in characters that are used to having total control. Like. Have you read "Unexpected Guests"? The Bleach fic? Everything that happens in Hueco Mundo and after. That energy. I want that energy.)
Madara waves his scythe around like a cane. Obito just trails after like “Gramps, no” because it’s still pre-Sanbi, so he’s Mostly Innocent (you know, on the scale of how fucked up Obito is as a person), and just wants Madara to like. Stop.
Palpatine dies but nobody's sure what to charge Madara with since he did kind of expose a Sith? And Palpatine attacked first for [handwave] reasons?
Jedi: Well sir, in lieu of charging you with assassination of the emperor, we have decided to ask you politely to return to the elderly person's retirement home from whence you came. Please leave immediately. You are frightening the senate.
Madara: [incomprehensible raving]
Jedi: Yes yes, very interesting.
Jedi, whispering: Does anyone know his caretaker???
Obito looks increasingly put-upon as events progress. You need Obito there to... well, not translate. Nobody can translate. But to at least poke Madara into being Slightly Less Homicidal.
Anakin seems sad about his friend dying and being evil so Obito challenges him to a spar. Madara and Obito get pulled into the Jedi Temple to help train Padawans? My first thought was "they wouldn't trust someone so obviously Weird, Crazy, and Incomprehensible around the younglings" and my second thought was "well they let Yoda do it and he's all those things so I mean? YEAH."
What if they put Madara in the bacta tank and he just freshened up like a daisy because of hand-wave Hashirama cell reasons (Blame Sir Tiddyface).
From “Decrepit and Reliant on Cave Tube Life Support” to “Will Call Down Meteors With Ease”
How many eyes does he have? Whatever’s funniest. Let’s say one Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan and one Rinnegan, for maximum chaos.
Would "half my body is missing" Obito freak out if Bacta regrew his eye? Can bacta regrow something like that? When characters lose limbs they usually just get cybernetic replacements, but the person I spoke with said that apparently they saw somewhere that that kind of thing can grow back it just takes a really long time.
I want to imagine bacta would help Obito with the Zetsu integration.
Anyway! Yes. Have Madara help train people despite being... Madara about it. You know... kind of a dick.
(I’d put example gifs but I don’t feel up to it. Y’all know what Madara’s “weakness disgusts me” ass is like.)
Obito had to get his "these fools could never make me sweat" sass from somewhere, after all.
Do you think Obito could fight the baby Jedi that are around his age while recovering? I have no idea what their skill level is at fourteen, but I want to imagine Obito sparring the Padawans.
Obito + Zetsu + Bacta = he still needs physical therapy but he can spar again!
Madara is delighted to have a baby ninja to bully. He's too old to not bully baby ninjas, and Obito is the only baby ninja.
TBH Madara just makes Obito his assistant teacher.
Obito: What are we even doing here and how do we get home?
Madara: I'm still working on that.
Obito: But I want to go home and see Rin and Kakashi!
Madara, who was like two days away from triggering the Sanbi plan: I'm working on it.
Something sticking in my mind rn is Ahsoka&Obito, since Obito is still Baby.
I think Obito would be excited to have someone his age that thought he was Cool and Talented for being able to do Chakra Things instead of writing him off as "the dead-last." Like, Rin is friends with him, but she doesn't look up to him as someone more/differently talented. He'd be excited to get to be "The Mysterious Cool Big Bro" for once.
I feel I also just like the idea of Anakin not knowing what to do with someone Several Years Younger that is also. Ninja Skill.
Miscellaneous thoughts:
Madara is a grouchy old man even AFTER he gets effectively de-aged via bacta dunk, for the record. He's back in his prime and the Jedi have no idea how. They're all concerned about tiddyface*. (When are people not concerned about Sir Tiddyface, really.) The mokuton is a problem.
*Sir Tiddyface is that random Hashirama face that Madara had growing out of his pecs for like... convoluted bullshit reasons.
(Madara doesn't have mokuton, but he has enough Hashirama cells that it interacted very, VERY weirdly with the bacta.)
Obito spends the intervening weeks trying to learn the local language. He's very eager. Not particularly fast. Still doing it though!
I want Obito juggling kunai as physical therapy while he's waiting for Mads to get out of the bacta tank and just gains himself the adoration of a gaggle of small baby Jedi children.
Madara comes out of the bacta tank looking like he did in his prime (which I mentioned earlier but whatever), and it absolutely incites a yelling match of an argument that draws way too much attention.
Someone tries to teach Obito how to access the Force, just to see what happens. He almost turns into a statue because the philosophy behind Force meditation is only a few steps away from Sage Mode Meditation.
Anyway, Madara smacks him with a stick like Fukasaku to make sure Obito doesn't turn into stone.
Madara grumps about the lack of paper and brushes and ink. Bitches about it until someone hits up an antique store or something to get them for him. The day before he and Obito are dispatched on a mission with someone, probably Anakin for plot reasons, Madara very publicly seals things into a scroll and then tells them that no, they can't learn it, because the Force isn't chakra so fuuinjutsu won't work for them, so There.
Obito practices some Teen Rebellion (tm) and like, tries to teach the Padawan friends he's made how to do Chakra Things... but he's so bad at explaining things that nobody can get it to work even if it were possible.
In Obito's defense, language barriers. Not in Obito's defense, he's just really bad at words sometimes.
#Star Wars#Star Wars Prequels#Naruto#Uchiha Madara#Uchiha Obito#crossovers#Phoenix Posts#body horror mention
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hi! something has been really bothering me lately. i thought venting to a friend would help but i’m still angry & i don’t know how to cope with this or who else to go to about this that would understand. this will be really long. sorry.
since the pandemic i’ve been seeing so many posts on social media where people are saying things like “if all you did today was get out of bed, that’s enough” & “it’s okay if your best looks different, you’re doing great & i’m proud of you,” shit like that. i’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. for a lot of people these are unprecedented times (myself included, for certain reasons), & they deserve all that love & support. but a lot of what the world is going through rn, i went through that when i was younger & i went through it completely alone. a part of me is so happy that people have others who will listen to them & be there for them. everybody deserves to have that & they have the right to feel however they feel whenever they feel it. but the survivor part of me is furious. not only did i never have that support, but i was constantly dismissed. people never noticed something was wrong, & if they did they either used my anger issues & lashing out at others as a reason why i wasn’t worth listening to or being cared for, they chalked it up to me “having issues” & being the weird kid, or they simply didn’t know what to do (not blaming these people). i cried a lot when i was little, & all i got was “oh here we go again” & that i was too sensitive or overdramatic & oh it’s Kris of course she’s crying again. & now that it’s happening to everyone else, NOW they think to themselves “hmm, maybe we should start being kinder & more compassionate & start listening to each other.” ohh you think?! why did it take this fucking long?! you get all this support & love & the comfort of knowing that you’re not alone & that you’ll always have someone. what about younger me who had no one on her side, & if she did they all left eventually bc they found someone better? what about any other kids my age who were going through the same thing or something similar? we were always worthy of that & you all fucking know it. i feel so cheated. & another part of me also feels like i have to be this warrior or whatever & be an example bc i’ve gone through it but i’m so tired of being strong all the time & being told how strong i am bc it’s not fucking true. i mean okay yes i am strong bc i’ve survived everything but i’m not any stronger than the rest of you. i’m human, not superwoman. can i be strong & tired sometimes too maybe?? idk it’s just... it’s so triggering & i see it everywhere & i’m tired. i thought i would be able to connect with more people bc i felt like they finally understand what i was going through, but i feel more alone than i have in a long time.
hi kris, i'm really sorry i didn't see this ask sooner, i barely do anything online these days besides mindlessly scrolling and dissociating haha
i totally get what you mean though. it's already a very triggering situation for us, and to suddenly see people get support for things that we never got support for can be really bad. i often feel extremely angry when i read about the toll the pandemic has on people's mental health because these conversations never centre the already severely mentally ill, it's about how those who are usually rather healthy and stable are affected. it feels triggering because it's a reminder of our own disenfranchisement. i think many of us have experienced that everyone else seemed to be more important than us and that our problems weren't taken seriously, so this is a repetition of those traumatizing formative experiences. for me personally, i mainly feel a kind of jealousy and sensation of being overlooked, which causes anger.
i also relate to what you said about feeling more alone than before. i think hoping for community and then being disappointed by that stings more than just not relating to others in the first place, as it reaffirms our negative past experiences. plus how can i feel community with someone when i'm jealous of the care they get that i have been denied? or when i show understanding for them that they don't show for me? it absolutely is triggering and your emotional response makes complete sense imo.
my policy to deal with that is to try and not expose myself to what triggers me. i use block and mute functions liberally. i step away from group chats and social media. this seems like it would increase my feelings of isolation, but honestly, feeling like nobody understands me and constantly being angry at others is also pretty isolating, so at least this way i get to preserve energy.
it's definitely a very purposeful thing where you need to remind yourself to step away every time you get angry. i'm trying to be better at that anyway, less hate-reading, less getting into fights. what i try to tell myself is that my energy is wasted on these things, the anger isn't productive and it's not doing anything positive for me, i deserve better than that. and then i, like, block and delete and whatever is necessary to feel like i've done something to cut that stuff out of my life, and i try to listen to what i need in that moment to feel better - rest, distraction, venting to someone i trust, doing something that i enjoy - and do that. i try to acknowledge my reaction and give it the room it deserves, but not get so hung up on it and move on. idk, it's a process.
i hope this helped you somewhat and that you're feeling better than when you wrote your message.
all the best
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Doubts {Treebros}
A/N- This is for the DEH gift exchange! @sincerely-us They're @unoriginalurl77, and one of their prompts was Evan has a bad day, cue hurt/comfort.
Trigger Warning- mentions of cutting
The second Evan can't get out of bed, he knows it'll be a bad day.
He couldn't feel anything. Whatever emotion resigned from the day before had completely left, leaving him feeling numb. Well, emotionally numb. It felt like there was a giant weight of expectations and wants everyone expected from him but he just couldn't.
He couldn't even get out of bed.
"Evan? Aren't you going to get ready?" Heidi knew Evan usually got up early so he had plenty of time to eat and get ready to go. She was a bit worried, but she tried to have a little fun with him, for both their sakes.
"I— I can't," Evan choked out, bunching his blankets up and shutting his eyes tight.
"You can't?" Heidi asked slowly, almost to herself. "Is it one of those days?"
He was freaking her out, making her worry, just like always. She'd have to call in and waste her time. She could be resting but no, no Evan had to have issues, like usual. He had to keep bearing her down, keep being a burden, keep being worthless.
"I'll take that as a yes," oh, he hadn't said anything. Faintly, he registered her sigh and run her fingers through his hair. The familiar touch was grounding and nice. "I'll call in for you, okay?"
Evan could only nod as she pulled out her phone and called the school. He didn't catch everything she said, just that he wasn't going to school. Everything else was faded and a blur. It didn't feel real. Nothing felt real.
After Heidi left, Evan fell asleep for an hour. When he woke again, he saw some eggs sitting on his nightstand, and was reminded of the fact he hadn't eaten anything, from the emptiness of his stomach. He willed himself to slowly sit up from the confines of his blankets, and carefully took the plate onto his lap so he wouldn't spill it (even if he did, he didn't think he was in the right mental state to clean it up).
Heidi always made pretty much everything great, which was a shame she wasn't home as much, but it was a treat when she cooked for Evan. Part of his mind scolded him for making her use probably the last of the eggs when she could've given him pop tarts or something. Evan sucked in a breath and closed his eyes tight, trying to will away those thoughts. He fisted his blankets as he tried to stay calm and not spiral. They didn't use eggs much, anyways. There wasn't a lot of harm done, and they could go a week or two without them.
Once he managed to relax, he set the plate back on his nightstand to put away later and grabbed his phone, and well. He wasn't expecting a barrage of messages.
Con: hey were r u?
Con: r u ok? I'm hella worried
Con: should I get ur math??
Con: fuck it
Con: I'm getting ur math
Con: r u sick? I kinda just wanna skip and come see u
Con: evvvvv please answeeerrrr
Evan shook his head, finding those messages from his boyfriend just a bit endearing. Briefly, he knew it was around third hour and that class was still in session, but he couldn't ignore him, because would Connor get the wrong idea? Would he be bothered by what he'd say? He'd hurt him if he ignored the message because it'd seem like Evan didn't care enough to reply, which was not the case, he did care, almost too much, and then Connor would break up with him, his mom would see how heartbroken he was, get even more worried, and he'd end up being one of those guys that couldn't leave his house due to an overbearing family member.
It was extremely unlikely, but Evan's mind was all over the place that day. Deep down, he knew it was unlikely, but some parts were far too probable.
Evan: Just taking a mental health day. I'm okay.
Evan: You can come after school?? If you're not busy??
Evan: I just don't want to make you skip.
After an agonizing few minutes, he got a response.
Con: hell yeah i'm coming over. Gotta be crazy not to.
Ironically enough, that was enough to make Evan smile a little.
Con: and ur not a burden. Don't care how many times I have to say it, cuz I always will.
Con: I love u, Ev.
Con: <33333
Evan: I love you too, Connor. So fucking much <333
Evan tried to use Connor's words to motivate himself. He was loved, he was loved, he was loved, he stubbornly kept telling himself as he moved to sit on the side of the bed, and elevated himself upwards, stumbling only once to regain his footing. He took the plate and let out a breath.
'Small steps,' he thought to himself. 'Small steps. Take it at one, small step at a time.'
It wasn't anything big, but he made his way to the kitchen, washed his plate with a few others, and put it in the dishwasher for a more thorough rinsing later on (when it was full, at least). Afterwards, he walked out onto his backyard porch, in need of some fresh air.
Evan let out a small breath, leaning against the wooden railing as he gazed at the trees that stretched outwards beyond him. Normally, he would've been freezing, as he was only wearing grey shorts and a long sleeved blue t shirt, but in that moment, it didn't bother him. The only thing he could register was his own thoughts that made him spiral further and further downwards.
'He was completely worthless. It took him hours to get out of bed when it's supposed to come naturally. He can't talk to people, he can't do anything worthwhile. So many people have it worse than he does. He's just a burden on his mom and Connor. He's a burden on Alana, Zoe, and Jared. They don't care. Nobody does. It's all just an act, a sham. Why would they care?'
Evan spent almost an hour outside, crying softly as he held onto his arms. The bitter air was only warming up slowly and slowly, but it wasn't enough for his body. Deep down, he knew he had to go back inside. He assumed he was pretty much guaranteed to get a cold at this rate, but he didn't want anything worse.
Warmth cascaded all through Evan as he re-entered the empty house. His body felt like it was ignited as he got uncomfortably warm. He rubbed at his arms as he went to the bathroom to try and cool down.
He shed his clothes quickly and stepped into the shower, flinching at how cold it was. He didn't have the willpower to change it, though, because really, that was why he went in. To cool off, that was all.
Evan caught a glimpse of his hips and legs. They were barraged with various scars, some short and ending roughly while others were long and carefully planned out. He began to shake slightly, willing his eyes away as he curled his hands into fists. Despite trying to shake away the self deprecating thoughts that clouded his mind, he began to cry. He felt ashamed of those scars, and he wanted to heal so badly. While granted, none were very recent, there had been some lapses he wasn't proud of.
He spent a half an hour inside the shower, occasionally letting a couple of tears drop from his eyes, and once he's out, he feels awful about the time he took, and that the water bill would probably go up because of him.
Evan didn't feel like changing his outfit drastically, as he slipped on some sweatpants to forget about what caused his (second) breakdown in the first place. After he grabbed his phone and a blanket, he curled up onto the couch with said blanket and began watching whatever was on television. He didn't move from his spot, despite knowing he needed to eat lunch, but couldn't find the motivation to.
Con: hey Ev, I just got out and I'm coming to see u rn :3
Evan: You can just come in when you get here. Just ring the doorbell for a forewarning
Con: got it. Omw
About ten minutes after their short conversation, the doorbell rang, and a moment after, Connor stepped inside.
"Hey Ev. Doing okay?" His expression had worry printed all over.
When Evan attempted to reply, he realized he hadn't uttered a single word all day. So, he cleared his throat and said, "Kinda."
"Your eyes are red," one thing Connor was trying to work on was not jumping to conclusions, but he still slipped up more than he cared to admit.
Evan couldn't deny a statement like that. So, he just shrugged his shoulders.
"Can I— is it okay if I touch you?" Connor took a seat beside him, keeping a little distance.
Evan, who didn't feel like using his voice, just nodded.
Connor scooted closer to him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "You wanna talk about it?"
Deep down, he sort of wanted to, but at the same time, he couldn't because it was too much. "Um— later?"
"Okay," he whispered, giving his shoulder a little rub. "What'd you need right now?"
"A distraction, p-please?" Evan was shaking slightly, and leaning into his touch.
Connor seemed happy to oblige, as he began talking about stuff that happened at school. Heidi had apparently told his mom that Evan wouldn't be there, but he didn't learn this till fifth hour from Jared, after they'd already established that. He talked about how Alana apparently didn't take mental health days, but that she hoped he'd feel better. Apparently Zoe had been worried at first too, because she informed Connor of a small routine they had. When they were passing from first hour to second hour, they'd cross paths and wave. Connor surprisingly found it nice as they had their own thing.
He then launched into rant about the math teacher, how she didn't know what she was doing, and how easily she gave up on kids. Apparently she told Connor he just wasn't going anywhere in life (that was absolutely not true at all, she said that to other students), and he had to resist the urge to just scream at her with how wrong she was, because that'd just prove her point.
When he was done talking, Evan cleared his throat, "Er, I'm ready, now."
"Okay," Connor moved his arm from his shoulders to grab his hand. He was waiting for Evan to start.
He took a deep, slightly unsteady breath, and began, saying, "This morning I couldn't get out of bed. I just... c-couldn't face the world as the disappointment I am. I couldn't— I couldn't force myself up, everything was just— t-too much."
Evan spared a glance at Connor, who looked upset at this new information, but didn't say anything. He made a gesture for him to continue.
"I managed to fall back asleep. When I woke up uhm, mom l-left some eggs for me and you texted me. So I did all that.. s-stuff and went outside. It just... hit me, that I'm b-burdening everyone, that all of you would be better off without me," Evan feebly rubbed at his eyes. He didn't want to start crying for a third time that day.
He felt Connor's grip on his hand tighten. "Evan, no... that's not true at all. It's okay to need a break, or to break down, because I know you'll get back up. That's what you always do, and that's what makes you so strong. If you... were gone now, I'd be heartbroken. I wouldn't know what to do with myself, but mostly, I'd wonder how I could've helped.."
Evan sniffled, and rubbed his nose.
"You're my light at the end of the tunnel. You help me find my way and keep me going. If I lost you, I’d be lost,” he smiled sadly. “I love you, Evan, and I’ll try to be the same for you.”
He was crying again, but this time, it was happy tears. He pulled Connor into a hug and whispered, “Thank you, Connor. I love you, too.”
And as he felt Connor’s arms wrap around him, he finally felt okay.
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why does my brain keep saying very loudly and rapidly “i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die” even though i absolutely do not want to die right now i dont even have the motivation to scream but i wonder if a solid scream would be cathartic
theres just so many things i need to complain about my heart is pounding so hard im in pain and im shaking and everything feels bad and i cant change my meds bc i cant contact my psychiatrist from france or like... more importantly figure out the logistics
i dont wanna go back to the states though bc gburg is probably gonna be hella toxic for me again even though my schedule for next year is super good and im super looking forward to it
why did i send home all of my sheet music and why didnt i send home my jackets holy wow that’s gonna be a lot of weight i cant pay for with the luggage on my way home
what if im not mentally ill enough for meds i know i have to change them bc at this moment i am NOT feeling helped by them but what if another med will make me even worse and what if i am actually just shitty at managing symptoms and how come everyone else seems to be able to manage or hide or work through their shit and i have to go and make a big fucking deal out of it all and i literally even wrote my prof like “hi btw ive been suicidal thats why i havent been in class” and that’s just using mental health as a fucking excuse it’s not like an hour and a half of sitting through a class from which i glean approximately nothing would actually kill me, as it were lol
i have to get the key to christine but that means 20 min walk home and 20 min walk back and maybe the sunlight will be good for me but i also need to write the other two pages of my paper that im obviously not doing now since im complaining and making a bajillion zillion posts all over social media lol it is a cry for help how come i cant make myself do the things i need to do im literally in physical pain because i cant make myself do the paper that was due an entire week ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how the actual fuck did i even graduate high school how did i fucking survive
well i mean i didnt drink in high school but i also got apx 3h of sleep a night so idk
im not drinking today though like i refuse to do that today bc money and also i need to just uhh not drink for a while because that’s what healthy people do. not day drink on weekdays.
i thought i was better abt that this year than last year but i guess not as much as i thought but at least im not sleeping in my friend’s bed every other night?? which is an improvement
god i fucking hate that i cut myself out of the queermmunity like that even though it’s better for me i just wish i did it in a more mature way im so fucking angry at myself im not even homesick at all i miss like 4 or 5 people from the states in total and i feel fucking awful that theres a bunch of people who will message me like “omg miss u” and i know i miss them too but like i feel like im lying when i respond “miss u 2″ and that isnt fair at all and i hate it i hate feeling like im lying to my friends i hate that i dont miss them i hate that this semester is supposedly the best semester of my life and i still have to convince myself not to step in front of a bus sometimes and i hate that The Brain Demons are clawing my stomach out from the inside but at least i havent purged in a while so there’s that and usually i can talk myself out of other self harm shit
and putting the content of my complaining post in the tags is to warn people if they read it but also it’s gonna make some people like OH NO UR IN DANGER LET ME READ THIS and i dont ?? i dont want that???????? but i also do???? good fucking lord i hate being such an attention whore
i hate that im a whore in general
like i dont regret any sexploits ive had whatever but i hate that i feel jealous of some people because i dont want to monopolize their lives and i dont want to prevent them from sharing love w other people i jsut want people to cuddle and kiss and be romantic with and it hurts but i also cant ocmplain abt it with my friends bc they also are like dammit i want a partner and me i have a few consistent sex partners but i want romantic partners but i need to change the people with whom i spend my time because they are not great for my mental health and i hate that bc i love them dearly but im destroying myself just in a different way from last year
the people i loved last year are driving me up a goddamn wall and i hate that i hate that i hate that so much bc i still care about them but im such an idiot i cant stand up for what feels right or against what feels wrong to me bc ill jsut get yelled at and i know that means i shouldnt be close to them im so hurting today
everything feels like too much and im shaking and still avoiding responsibilities and idk if writing this post is gonna get it out of my head enough bc on one hand i might tire myself out and not feel the need to write about it more to people and not have to bother them or like idk continue distracting conversations or maybe having people worry and try to talk to me will give me something to ignore so i can make myself write my paper idfk!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand uhh what if this is just going to make me fixate even more on my problems im screaming in sid e
oh ps im realizing that my family dynamic, while much much miuchn much much better than so fuckin many other people (feels conceited to say but im grateful for it and feel i cant or shouldnt talk abt it in case it triggers something in those with shitty home situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) im recognizing that smth about the dynamic feels unstable as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if i finish my paper, turn it in, sit for 20 minutes of class, go breathe, come back for the end
idfk othe rstudents need to talk to the prof too i cant monopolize him with the same content from my email to him and the same “i need help but idk what help i need” statement from last week or whatever
idk
idk idk idk will summer help me at all? will i live at home? will that be better or worse for me? can i remove all the materialism from my life? obv no but i feel i need to get rid of everything i own to cleanse myself of whatever and also i feel like cutting my own stomach and other organs out of myself but i obv cant and promise i wont try that lol
what work will i have or internships i dont have money i feel trapped will i hate myself forever will i be stuck in loops forever i will absolutely live long enough to find out and i will overcome things but like jesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiist im Not Good rn im sorry
yells
#blah blah blah#negative#suicide tw#i dont want to die but i want my brain to shut up#self harm tw#ed tw
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I really need to get something off my chest. This is really, really long, so forgive me, in advance.
Please, keep in mind I'll be talking about mental illness here - specifically, anxiety and depression - and that might be triggering for you. If so, please, PLEASE skip this post (and if you're having suicidal thoughts, I've compiled a list of hotlines at the end of this post that you can call; skip to the bottom.) I don't want you to hurt yourself by reading this. Go look at some fanart, or watch funny videos, or something. I want you to be well. You deserve to be well, no matter what your mind may tell you; it's lying through its fucking teeth. Trust me.
That having been said: ya'll really need to start tagging posts with triggering subjects appropriately.
I'm saying this because I have been diagnosed with GAD and depression around 8 years ago. For 8 years, my mind was a fucking hellscape; I hated myself, every part of me. I felt like no one really gave a shit about me, like no one would care if I died or disappeared, and that I deserved to die anyway because I was such a shit person.
I've lost count of how many nights I cried myself to sleep; that was just something that happened to me, then. It became routine, just as routine as brushing your teeth is for most people. Speaking of which, I'd spend several days in bed, too, without showering, without brushing my teeth, without changing clothes, without getting up to do anything but go to the bathroom. Some days, I'd eat nothing.
I contemplated suicide several times. I researched ways to make it as painless as possible, the quickest way I could kill myself. I never self-harmed by cutting, or drugs, or alcohol, but I did it in other ways. I deprived myself of food, of water, of sleep, of showering. I beat myself up mentally, as much as possible, as often I could. I didn't want to talk to my friends; I was convinced they all only tolerated me. Whenever I did talk to them, I hid my state of mind so well they always convinced themselves I was fine. I was convinced I was ugly, undesireable and unlovable. This all was despite having been on meds and seeing a psychiatrist regularly.
But worst than the depression, in my opinion, was the goddamn fucking anxiety. Feeling afraid of everything all the time takes an enormous toll on you; it cripples you and stops you from doing things that are normal to most people; sometimes even initiating a conversation was, for me, a mountain impossible to climb. The anxiety made me want to kill myself just as much - if not more - than the depression, because, surely, death couldn't possibly be worse than what my fears turned into likely possibilities in my mind. I was convinced dying would hurt less. Death scared me less than the shit in my head 24/7.
The reasons I held on, were my parents, whom I logically knew love me dearly - even if my mind made me feel like they didn't - and the things I still wanted to experience. I wanted to go to Vegas, and Japan, and Germany, and Norway, and Mexico; I wanted to see the world. I wanted to play all of the games I was excited for, finish all of the ongoing shows and fics I was watching and reading, as well as revisit old media I used to love. I wanted to reread my favorite books. I wanted to have a girlfriend. I wanted to finish my fics in progress, as well as start the ones I'd been thinking about. I wanted to perfect my drawing techniques. I wanted to learn other languages. I wanted to listen to my favorite songs again. I wanted to go swimming again; I've always loved swimming. My parents, my hobbies and entertainment were what made me hold on despite how much I was screaming at myself to give up, and no matter how much people told me my hobbies and passions were worthless. I looked at childhood pictures of myself and saw how happy I was in them; I longed to be happy again. I thought about how sad that little kid would be if she knew her future self would be contemplating suicide. I wanted to believe being this happy again was possible, so I kept going.
Thankfully, I changed psychiatrists. I changed my meds. I got a therapist. Things started to look up again for me. Over two years, I managed to recover from a 8-year long crippling depression. I'm no longer suicidal. I no longer despise every bone in my body. Of course, I have bad days; depression never really goes 100% away. You just end up finding a way to deal with it and make it hurt much less. Meds and therapy are only two of the things that help you with that (though they are crucial.)
One thing that didn't really get better, though, was the anxiety. No matter how much I tried, I was never able to turn my catastrophic thoughts off. The meds suppress them a bit, but depending on the day, they're still way too overwhelming. Meditation doesn't help. Videos and games don't help. The thoughts are always screaming at me, gnawing at the back of my mind, and once they break through and make me notice them, it takes days for them to leave - and even then, they don't leave completely. It's especially worse because you can't control what other people say or do around you; a lot of them know you have an illness, and say triggering stuff anyway, because people don't really understand how debilitating a mental illness can be. I won't lie; sometimes there's still that little bitch at the back of my mind whispering, "if you killed yourself you'd be able to avoid all this scary shit, you know," but I manage to stomp it into nothing most of the time. Still, unfortunately, you can't avoid seeing or hearing triggering things all of the time.
Which brings me to the reason I'm writing this in the first place.
See, you can't control what people say around you, but you can control most of what you see on the internet. Tumblr has a tag filter. I myself use it a lot; to filter out NOTPs or topics I'm not interested in, but mostly, I use it to filter things that'll take away my sleep at night (I actually think there should be an option to completely hide posts containing filtered tags and pretend they don't even exist in the first place, instead of simply showing a message saying that they were blocked, since seeing the message alone already will make me anxious about what the post might contain, but I digress.)
So why is it that I'm still coming across a lot of triggering things on here?
I understand some things might slip. It's not as if I haven't failed to properly tag posts before; I get that you'll sometimes look at something you don't find triggering, and so it won't even cross your mind that it might trigger someone else; sometimes it's something that's, to you, so mundane or banal you can't fathom how it might send someone into an episode or a downward spiral. But mental illness is like that. Different things trigger different people.
I am BEGGING you: PLEASE tag your posts appropriately. It doesn't matter how minor a thing you think it is; if it's a dog post, put the tag "dog" in there. If it's a post about politics, tag it as "politics." If it contains insects, tag it as such. Even if it's a humor-centered post. Tag it anyway.
I know people need to stay informed about important things. That doesn't matter. A lot of people on Tumblr come here to relax or have some fun, and from my personal experience, a lot of us have a history with mental illness, or are struggling with it to this day; a lot of the time it's debilitating. I see a shit ton of suicidal people on here, venting. I used to be one of them.
I use Tumblr to distract myself, to see funny and cute shit. Most of the triggering things here are stuff people already know about anyway; in fact, they're probably bombarded with them everywhere else on the internet. You don't have the right to shove stuff down mentally ill people's throats because you think they need to know it and spread the word, no matter if you're mentally ill yourself. People have the right to choose what they want to see on social media during their leisure time. We know what we can and can't handle. And a lot of us can't handle the news right now. I never could, to be honest, so I always filtered my exposure to it very heavily, but now I find myself avoiding it entirely, because it just sends me into a fit and takes away my sleep. You're not doing us a favor by making us see this shit; you're making our illness worse. There's NOTHING wrong with us deciding that something is too much for us to deal with; we are not ignorant, we are not naive and we are not blissful. In fact, we're very aware of these issues; painfully so. They're probably already eating away at us, and are the reason we try to distract ourselves in the first place. We're avoiding this kind of shit to avoid harming ourselves even further than our mind already harms us. Some of us do this to avoid suicidal urges, even. You cannot take this right from people. You don't get to decide what we should and shouldn't see online; we do. And you don't get to scream at us when we decide not to look at something we KNOW will destroy us.
Of course I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T post and reblog these things; it's your blog. You have the right to post and reblog whatever you want, as long as it doesn't violate the terms of service (i.e. p*rn, gore, bigotry, etc.) But PLEASE have the mindfulness to tag your posts appropriately. It's hard enough for all of us to deal with all this shit every day, let alone right now, let alone during a year that has been, for the most part, a complete shitshow. You never know how many more straws it'll take to break the camel's back. And for the love of Christ, DO NOT yell at us if we decide to focus on the positive and ignore the negative on Tumblr. You never know what a person is going through; focusing on the positive on their social media might be the only way someone's found to fight suicidal urges.
I, unfortunately, felt forced to unfollow people I've followed for years, because the onslaught of posts - a lot of them untagged - that I found triggering, this year, were starting to become overwhelming for me. If any of you are reading this, please don't take it personally. You've done nothing wrong, and you're all wonderful people. I unfollowed you because I thought it best for my mental health and wellbeing, during such a trying time. I really don't have the mental or emotional strength to deal with bad news anymore. I just got better, and I intend to keep myself that way. Seeing all of that is just gonna make me fall into that old hole again, and I don't know if I'll be able to climb back out if that happens. I'll do what I can whenever I can, and, on Tumblr, I'll signal boost donation pages, awareness posts about racism, LGBTQphobia and privilege, and petitions, but when it comes to everything else, I'm focusing on the positive, and my goal with reblogs is to brighten my followers' day if only a little, and signal boost posts asking for help to those who need it. Regardless, I hope you all are doing wonderful, and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: please, PLEASE tag all of your posts appropriately if you think there might be anything even remotely potentially triggering to someone in them. Mental illness is a very insidious, irrational thing and the smallest crap can send us into a downward spiral that can last days or even weeks. Despite how the term "trigger" has become a meme, triggers are something very real and very debilitating to the vast majority of us who struggle with mental illness. There's nothing funny about real triggers. Please, take your followers' well-being and safety into consideration.
Finally, I feel like I really need to say this: if you're having suicidal thoughts of any kind, PLEASE do not hesitate to call for help. Below is a list of hotlines you can call if you're thinking about killing yourself. Please do not do it, I promise your death would negatively impact someone, and you would be missed. You are loved, you are valid, and you deserve to live and be happy. I know you're probably really fucking tired of hearing this, but it does get better. I thought it never would, but it did, for me. It will for you, too.
Algeria: 0021 3983 2000 58
Argentina: (54-11) 4758-2554
Armenia: (2) 538194
Australia: 131114
Austria: Telefonseelsorge 24/7 : 142 Rat auf Draht 24/7 : 147 (youth)
Bahamas: (2) 322-2763
Barbados: Suicide Hotline: Samaritan Barbados (246) 4299999
Belgium: Suicide Hotline: Stichting Zelfmoordlijn 1813
Bolivia: 3911270
Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05
Botswana: National Lifeline: 3911270
Brazil: 188
Bulgaria: 0035 9249 17 223
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
China: 800-810-1117
Colombia: 24/7 Helpline in Baranquilla: 1(00 57 5) 372 27 27 24/7 Hotline Bogota: (57-1) 323 24 25
Cyprus: 8000 7773
Denmark:4570201201
Estonia: 3726558088; in Russian: 3726555688
Finland: 010 195 202
France: 0145394000
Germany: 08001810771
Ghana: 2332 444 71279
Guyana: 223-0001
Holland: 09000767
Hong Kong: 852 2382 0000
Hungary: 116123
India: 8888817666
Indonesia: 1-800-273-8255
Iran: 1480
Ireland: +4408457909090
Israel: 1201
Italy: 800860022
Jamaica: 1-888-429-KARE (5273)
Japan: 810352869090
Jordan: 110
Latvia: 371 67222922
Lebanon: 1564
Liberia: 6534308
Luxembourg: 352 45 45 45
Malaysia: (06) 2842500
Malta: 179
Mauritius: +230 800 93 93
Mexico: 5255102550
Netherlands: 900 0113
New Zealand : 1737
Nigeria: 234 8092106493
Norway: +4781533300
Philippines: 028969191
Poland: 5270000
Portugal: 21 854 07 40 and 8 96 898 21 50
Romania: 0800 801200
Russia: 0078202577577
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines: (9784) 456 1044
Serbia: (+381) 21-6623-393
Singapore: 1 800 2214444
Spain: 914590050
South Africa: 0514445691
South Korea: (02) 7158600
Sri Lanka: 011 057 2222662
Sudan: (249) 11-555-253
Sweden: 46317112400
Switzerland: 143
Thailand: (02) 713-6793
Tonga: 23000
Trinidad and Tobago: (868) 645 2800
United Arab Emirates: 800 46342
United Kingdom: 08457909090
United States: (800) 273-8255
If you know of any I've forgotten, please don't be afraid to let me know. I'll add it to the list.
Stay safe, everyone.
#vent#long#personal#trigger warning#tw#triggers#tw: suicide#tw: depression#tw: mental illness#mental health#tags#tw: self-harm#tw: GAD#actually depressed#actually suicidal#actually anxious#Tumblr posts#serious#hotlines
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These are actually solid questions
1. First thing you wash in the shower?
my hair
2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
i can’t stand coffee. and alcohol might as well be my blood at this point
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
haha noooo. he was nice but i felt literally nothing. was like kissing a brick wall or something. tbh i never feel much when i kiss boys
4. Do you plan outfits?
YES. i’m a drama queen and a diva and flamboyant and i need to look good always. i have my graduation in 2 days and i still haven’t planned what to wear and it’s bothering me
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
tbh pretty numb. like not happy and not sad. just. .... chillin
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?
my track pants
7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body?
well with the mood im in now, i probably wouldn’t react. but the logical side of my brain would kick in and i’d phone it in to the police.
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
it’s still that one about the creepy old dude touching me in the car.
9. Three of your current feelings?
-introspective
-apathetic
-wistful
10. What are you craving right now?
tbh i would very much love to hug my stuffed pink harold. but he’s downstairs and i just don’t have the energy to walk haha
11. Turn ons?
not rly in the mood to answer these
12. Turn offs?
13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
this vine
14. When was the last time you cried? Why?
idk like over a month ago. i had to work a thursday night shift which is always super stressful. and that day my sister just started beating the shit out of me so the anxiety was like double
15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be?
ironman. any day. or spiderman because it’d be fun to just swing around the city listening to music peacefully
16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?
nope. she doesn’t even know that i know about half the shit she did. never ever apologised about the stuff she knows i know about. no acknowledgement. no apology. just pretends it never happened
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
lick it
18. Favorite movie ever?
idk i like frozen and pride and prejudice and the hunger games
19. Do you like yourself?
i like myself, but i can’t seem to justify why. i don’t really have an identity. i don’t know what i’m like. and so it’s hard to like myself when i don’t know what i like about my self, or why i do. but i enjoy being myself.
20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
i met stan walker once? he’s a minor celebrity in australlia
21. Could you handle being in the military?
part of me would thrive in the structure and forced exercise and socialisation. another part of me would completely crumble because like i have anxiety
22. What are you listening to right now?
i don’t give a ... - missio
23. How many countries have you visited?
india, america, canada, australia. so 4 i guess
24. Are your parents strict?
you betcha
25. Would you go sky diving?
sure yeah. i’m afraid of heights so the adrenaline would be wild
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
nah. i dont give a shit about him. maybe i’d go if he paid for the food.
27. Whats on your mind right now?
literally nothing. mostly thinking about endgame. i’m also thinking about taking my mum’s anti anxiety meds since she doesn’t use them and i have anxiety. but i don’t want to take them without professional advice. but also, i am a professional advice. and like what could happen? i’d get mentally ill?
28. Is there anything you want to say to someone?
nah i dont really feel like talking atm. i guess i’d ask if they wanted to go for a smoke. i would love a cig rn
29. Have you ever been in a castle?
no but i would love to!!
30. Do you rent movies often?
not really, i just watch stan/netflix
31. Whats your zodiac sign?
cancer sun, leo moon, libra rising
32. When was the last time you had sex?
i haven’t had sex
33. Name five facts about yourself.
i honestly don’t think i know enough about myself to do this but let’s give it a go
-i have short hair
-i love music more than literally anything
-i turn 21 this year and i have no idea what to do for it
-i’m thinking of getting a motorbike soon
-i’ve never broken a bone
34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened?
nope
35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny?
i used to. and i absolutely would love to believe in all that stuff. but not to sound angsty or whatever, i’ve had so many shitty things happen to me that it’s hard for me to believe that it’s all part of some big plan or that there is any justice in the world. i think people just do shit and that’s it
36. Brown or white eggs?
ive never had white eggs so..... brown?
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
nah we dont have it in australia
38. Ever been on a train?
yeah man i love trains
39. Ever been in love?
not mutually, no
40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it?
it’s a million bucks. absolutely. one night of terror to never have to worry about anything ever again. i’m a witch too so as much as i’d be scared, it’d be fine.
41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with?
someone rich and famous. maybe harry styles or freddie mercury. i’m sure they didn’t have it easy, but it’s certainly easier than things have/ever will be for me you know?
42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it?
absolutely
43. Whom do you admire and why?
i tend not to admire irl people. but i do admire tony stark a lot (GOD this is so lame ksajrsjkfs). i admire his charisma, his confidence, his humour, his good looks, his intelligence, his eyes. he embodies everything i feel like i can never be. but everything i’ll always want to be.
i admire freddie mercury. for his work drive and ethic. for his confidence and stage presence, his ability and talent in singing, songwriting, musical instruments. his flamboyancy, his sense of humour. again, these are all qualities i would love to have.
44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child?
oh i never really got read bedtime stories
45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do?
internally, i’d be like “that sucks for you” and walk away. but i can’t be a dick, so i’d assess the extent of the fire and see if there was a way to save the baby. i’d try if so, if not idk what i’d do. panic and call 000?
46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you?
nah man. gotta let kids live their lives
47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol?
alcohol: the night i just moved out of home 2 weeks ago. my roommate invited a friend over, and we all had fun and played never have i ever and i flirted with this really cute guy and had so much fun. i hadn’t really had any experiences like that before because i was - anyway. it was nice to feel like a normal 19 year old just for a second
weed: either the time i was drunk and high at our housewarming party and went to the park and felt like i was on a fucking rollercoaster, or the time i got super cooked after work and had a shower which felt amazing and then went back to my room and listened to beautiful people beautiful problems. i didn’t hallucinate per se, but i closed my eyes and could like see the lyrics “blue is the colour of the planet from the view above”. it was like i was in outer space and could see the earth and i was so relaxed and it was so magical
mdma: my halloween party! there were so many people and no one knew i was high and we had a mad dance party and i met some of our neighbours and i just had so much fun talking to everyone and Living.
48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol?
alcohol: being around boring people when drunk is boring. especially because when i’m drinking i really want to have a good and fun time.
weed: ahh i have anxiety so i used to get a few panic attacks when i was smoking
mdma: eugh it was my friends 21st at the time and we took mdma and i thought it wasnt kicking in because all we did was sit in bed and talk. literally so boring. im so mad that i wasted my first time like that
50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it?
nah, i’d probably hand it in to the police. actually, i dont trust the police so i’d probably google what to do with it. but probably police because i cant have stolen money or give it to someone else.
51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them?
not hanging out with someone because of that has literally never even crossed my mind
52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger?
nah. i’m actually going places now days
53. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
tba
54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires?
nope
55. If you could live forever, would you want to?
yeah probably. i’d like to give it a trial run though. i’m very anxious, so being lonely and immortal might make it worse. but at the same time, being immortal might make it easier to not give a shit and to be less anxious
56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are?
honestly i feel like jane villanueva or peter parker
57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit?
i would love to be a victorian bitch with a bomb ass dress and waist
58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it?
probably not. unless it was someone i really hated, i wouldnt give a shit
59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it?
i mean i wouldn’t be the best person for the job, but i also wouldn’t be the worst. if i could have time to properly study politics then yeah i’d consider.
60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to?
i’d probably want a girl but i dont really see any reason to not have a boy
61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy?
be wealthyyyyyy
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My dad is such a dickhole. It is 3:30 AM and he comes out to check on me and says, “you’re being manic right now. I’m just taking notes.”, then goes back to sleep in him room.
How about no! How about I’m too anxious to go to sleep because I watched way too many mandela effect youtube videos and am afraid, subconsciously of course, of the world falling in while I go to sleep.
I had crazy scary dreams last night for 12 hours. I’ve been depressive and now I feel a little better.
I always feel better when I’m alone. Maybe I like reveling int he time I get to spend alone with the world asleep and nobody to judge me, my appearance, anything!
I also have not showered for two or three days. I can’t remember. Dad also made a really big deal about me losing the second car key to escape which I swear I gave it to him.
He has terrible memory, but I have every reason not to trust myself because I have been having memory loss since my last full hypomanic episode. I guess this is the process my mind is taking in order to disassociate itself so I can function post trauma. I have traumatized myself and I don’t remember much of the episode aside from whatever I have written down. I’ll get flashbacks every so often tho.
I swear, it is like browning out when you are drunk or high and then trying to recall shit and then all of a sudden at the end of the day, you just remember random shit that has happened throughout the day.
Also, can calling me manic trigger mania? Also sounds are really creeping me out rn.
I tasted a meatball sub i my mouth for a little bit before. I have a little bit of ringing in my ears because it is that time of night when people’s brains to do that thing, but you are supposed to be sleeping, but I’m not sleeping.
how long have I been typing for? omg, I was so tired during the day but like I’m too anxious to sleep rn ugh. I don’t want to turn off the light. I want to fall asleep to something that my head can comprehend and not the sounds of the vents on top of my building.
I wish I at least was able to smoke weed rn, that shit would knock me right out, but my dad is micromanaging everything I do and thinks that everything is a symptom. He stresses me out to the point of being upset and anxious, he is such a huge part of the problem.
Now I’m anxious because my dad thinks I’m manic, but I’m not, just too anxious to go to sleep. He doesn’t make me feel comfortable enough to go to sleep even.
Everything is linked to anxiety which is hereditary on both sides. my dad is acting like a psycho. at this point I would rather sleep in the car than be in here. My dad is creeping me out so much. wtf, I slept so well yesterday, what happened???? I have been doing a lot better. My mom left and I’m stuck with my dad, my parents are so fucking toxic haaaaaalllppppp!!!
I want to go back to school now. I would rather have a hard time with my classes and fix myself by myself than have my parents be counter supportive.
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