#i really need to get back on anxiety meds maybe my levels of anxiety are becoming disabling perhaps | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

suzukiblu · 6 months

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excerpt from the one where Tim Drake goes to an alternate reality and decides to get his other self laid via the local Kon's bisexual awakening:

"Hey, remember when you saved my life earlier?" Tim asks.

"Yeah, kinda," Kon replies in amusement. "Seeing as it was about two point five seconds after you rigged the evil alien robot army to self-destruct and helped save our entire literal reality's life, so I was definitely paying attention."

"Flatterer," Tim says with a smirk even as he waves him off. The self-destruct function wasn't even that hard to hack, comparatively. That time he'd downloaded Lex Luthor's active IP files from his personal office while the asshole had been on his damn computer–now that'd been tricky. Interdimensional alien invaders barely compare. And the Brainiac incident still gives him stress migraines when he thinks about it for too long.

Metropolis sucks and Tim frankly has no idea how his own Kon can stand the place.

But like, getting off-topic here.

"Well, I was gonna say you should let me pay you back for that," he continues. "But since you bring it up I'll also accept a show of gratitude on behalf of your reality, whichever gets you off harder.”

Kon laughs, because he is apparently adorable enough to have assumed that was a joke. Precious little moron, Tim thinks fondly.

"You know, you're a lot less uptight than our version of you is," Kon says, grinning down at Tim before flashing Tim's other self a smirk. "No offense, Rob. Dude's clearly just doing more yoga than you or something. Maybe drinking more tea? Taking the occasional bubble bath?"

"Silly me, if only I'd invested in more bath bombs in my life," Tim's other self says dryly.

"It's probably my sex life, actually," Tim himself puts in with an easy shrug. Turns out when you stop pretending you don't have a ridiculously high libido and actually just indulge the thing, a lot of life's little annoyances become a lot easier to handle. Go figure. "Plus my boyfriend Bernard is really great, just his entire existence does wonders for my mood in general and he also makes me eat real food on occasion and monitors my caffeine intake much more reliably than I'm capable of doing on my own. The man is a living antidepressant and I don't even mean that in a fucked-up way, he's just that good."

"Boyfriend?" Kon blinks at him, then puts on another grin. It takes, Tim cannot help but notice, exactly two beats longer than his real grin would've. "Ohhhhh, okay, so the problem is just that you're not getting laid hard enough?"

"It is not," Tim's other self says dubiously, watching Kon just a little bit warily and obviously worried about his potential reaction to the word "boyfriend". Well, Tim never claimed to be emotionally intelligent about Kon, so no surprise his other self is also a dumbass there.

"It kinda is, actually," he tells his other self. "I was tracking my cortisol levels the last time I went on a solo away mission and let's just say they were . . . concerning? Like really concerning. Like by the time I got back I was kiiiiind of convinced I was going to need to go on anti-anxiety meds again. But then I jumped my Kon in the Titans Tower med bay instead and that pretty much solved the problem."

Kon . . . pauses, sort of. Tilts his head. Tim's other self looks a lot warier.

"'Jumped'," Kon repeats carefully. "Like . . . what, you dragged him to the gym to spar or something?"

"Like I blew his back out so hard that when he came his TTK fritzed out and disassembled my recovery bed," Tim clarifies helpfully. "It really helped with the cortisol levels issue."

Kon blinks. Tim's other self looks pained, but also desperately envious. Tim would also be desperately envious if their situations were reversed and so does not blame him for said envy in the slightest.

"I thought you said you had a boyfriend?" Kon says after a moment, sounding a little odd in a very telling way. Or at least very telling to Tim, anyway.

As is the way that he's not looking at Tim's other self at all anymore.

"Open relationship," Tim says. "Also Bernard thinks you're stupidly hot and really likes hearing about the kind of stuff you let me do to you. I've actually been debating inviting you over for his birthday so he can watch us live for once but I haven't asked you yet."

"What, so your Kon is the side chick?" Kon jokes, awkwardly putting on another just barely belated grin.

"More like my kept boy, functionally speaking, but he's having a 'weird about commitment' phase right now so I've just been making a lot of sugar baby jokes to soften him up," Tim replies with a shrug. It's only sort of been working, but it has been working, and he's willing to take his time on it. It's not fair to expect Kon to only be easy, after all. "Long-term goal is to marry Bernard and ideally get Kon to 'live-in boyfriend' status somewhere in there, but that would also require him not being weird about commitment and also figuring out how well he and Bernard get along in the same space, so we'll just have to see how that one goes."

"Uh," Kon says. "Why?"

"Because you are incredibly important to me and also look like a very horny Renaissance sculptor made you out of calacatta marble," Tim tells him matter-of-factly, gesturing meaningfully at him. "Frankly it's criminal that you ever put clothes on."

#timkon #tim drake #dc robin #kon el #conner kent #superboy #rinfic #wip: interdimensional whoring for timkon #long post #somehow I still haven't written any sex scenes for this fic #just a lot of Tim terrorizing his alternate self and flustering alternate Kon #'Tim'-orizing his alternate self?

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heartbeat-eras · 5 months

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~Intro Post ~

Hi everyone!

Long time cardiophile in the community but just discovering tumblr for the first time. Please bear with me while I work this out 😅

About me:

My first memory was me, maybe 3 years old, with my head on my Mums chest asking her what that was. Ever since then it’s always been a thing I’ve been fascinated in.

My cardio-interest can be many things and have evolved over the years. I have the curiosity about what certain things make it do. How it reacts to exercise or caffeine or nicotine or standing different ways. How holding your breath makes it skip and slow down. I love seeing the reactions to different things. This was the era I started in.

Then there is the emotional side. The heart can’t lie. If you had a stethoscope on my chest right now, while these words could be trying to portray confidence - you you hear her thrashing in my chest with nervousness / excitement. (Talking about hearts, even anon, gives me anxiety). It’s one of those things that in my real life I would love to be more open about but the level of trust to do that is something that needs to be earned.

And the dark / …. Adult side… if you asked me years ago I would have said hell no. It depends on the day, month, mood, etc. I’m more open to it these days. Electro, breath play and cpr is what I would lean into, but I’m either in the mood or definitely not. There’s no in between.

RP / Messages - I’ve never RP before. Maybe I want to try? I’m not sure. I need to be comfortable to talk about hearts so it would have to be a slow intro into it. I also never know how to answer a blind message saying “how’s your heart?” It kinda feels intrusive and personal so unless it’s a comment about a post PLEASE just start how you would any message to any friend 😊

About my heart

My heart wasn’t all the exciting. Sleeping she gets into the high 40s - low 50’s. Just sitting around working she’s chill around 68. It’s the exercise that gets her. I’ve been a smoker for about 16 years (the last 3 of those vaping instead). When I exercise she shoots up and stays in the 170-188 range on a run. Her recovery is ok considering nic. Slows down initially pretty quickly but says just about 100 for a while. She doesn’t throw many skips and I can induce a couple from a breath hold / push but usually will just beat really slowly after that.

… well all that was until 6 month ago. Yo girl was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and started on stimulants. Now she feels completely different. I needed to go through the full heart check prior to this, I wanted so bad to see the ECG and see her beating but I was mentally not in a good place and didn’t get to.

They say that Dexadrine is meant to only increase your resting by 5-7 beats. I would end up sitting at my desk and her beating away happily in the 90s. I haven’t exercised yet but when they wear off at night I can definitely feel her pounding a bit harder and faster than she used to. I’ve now noticed late at night she will occasionally get skippy and throw 5 or 6 beats in a row. But only occasionally and then goes back the normal pounding rhythm.

Last night I wore my chest strap to bed to see how she was behaving. When she would usually be around 50, last night she didn’t get lower than 65. Today I decided to test her and record her without getting up and taking my meds. A true resting test. She was steady around 68 for 45 mins. Then she increased to about 72 as they kicked in. So maybe they weren’t lying. Maybe just being up is enough to jack her up into the 90s 🤔 she is pounding really forcefully though. I think I’m going to continue monitoring and see if this the norm.

Anyway, you’ve made it this far you probably deserve some of her sounds. After she didn’t take off into the 90s like I thought she would I decided it was time to have my morning nicotine. This is where the changes took place. A short sound for you to hear hear speeding up. This is before I’ve stood up still.

What do you hear? How fast is she beating? What do you think she’s feeling?

Soon I’ll try some exercise and we will see how that goes. 😅

#cardiophile #pounding heart #cardiophilia #fast heartbeat #beating heart #female heartbeat #self stething

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lifblogs · 3 months

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Better Late Than Dead

Fandom: The Bad Batch Rating: Teen and Up Audiences Pairing: Tech/Phee Word Count: 1268 Summary: Tech arrives on Pabu for the first time since he was rescued from Dr. Hemlock, and put his mind back together (mostly). A special someone is there waiting for him. AUTHOR'S NOTE: Disclaimer, I have PCS (Post-Concussion Syndrome) so this story could be a mess, it could be great. I don't know, but I tried, and I had fun. First story I've written since I hit my head. I am sooooo nervous about it for some reason. This fandom seems like nothing but kind, though. If you read it, thank you. READ ON AO3

Tech paused getting off the ramp. Once he stepped off onto Pabu he would no longer just be on the Marauder with his family. He would exist in a public space, with people who… might not understand, who would see him differently. He was different.

There were some stares from the crowd, but he couldn’t track all of them, faces blurring and disappearing as he watched. But maybe those eyes were still on him.

Subconsciously, he touched the back of his head, feeling the metal plate there that replaced part of his skull, felt the lines where his scalp had split, where either through injury or one of his many surgeries his brain had been exposed. His new and enhanced left eye (replacing the gouged one from Plan 99) searched the space before him frantically, but he tried to take in what the right saw first: bright, blue skies with white, puffy clouds; a calm ocean for kilometers on end; happy people in colorful clothing—survivors, every one of them. How could such a place exist when he’d been through such horrors in Hemlock’s dark labs? Now it was like this beautiful place only half-existed.

The beauty was what his right eye saw. The left one… He hadn’t had a chance to reprogram it yet. Most of what he saw through it was a dizzying array of heat signatures, structural integrities, and the best places to shoot a target. According to his eye, everyone was a target. This was all superimposed over his regular vision from his right eye. The confusing signals to his brain usually left him with the feeling as if his eyes were being scooped out (half a phantom pain and reminiscent of his real horrors), and it would throb up into his head. With the metal plate added in, he had more headaches than he could manage on most days.

Still feeling anxiety churning in his gut; cold, clammy fear gripping the back of his neck and stripping him bare, he held up his new datapad. Tech decided to do a quick check of his metabolic system, and the absorption levels of his various injected pain meds, and their half-lives. This was done through a chip implanted at the base of his skull. Unfortunately that had required an extra surgery, seeing as that hadn’t fit in the area where he’d needed his skull repaired.

His datapad beeped quietly, and a yellow bar showed up near the top. He’d need to re-inject his left hip soon.

Tech glanced up, the real galaxy around him becoming too real. Coming towards the ramp with a hesitant smile and shining eyes was Phee.

His heart suddenly seemed too big, blood somehow beating hard all across his torso, even as it crawled up his throat. Phee. He really had thought of her, even remembered one instance of Hemlock torturing him for mentioning her name. He shuddered, his mechanical left leg shifting in a way that seemed too obvious and inhuman to him.

Tech wasn’t the same.

Am I even Tech?

No, no. You’ve… you’ve been over this already. Done the work. I. Am. Tech.

And he had thought about Phee in what he had thought would be his last moments. He’d surprisingly had the time to think about a lot of people.

He’d thought about his last-minute realization, and he’d mourned what could have been. And now… there she was. Here he was. Pabu. Safety. Phee.

Tech took a deep breath, tried to swallow back his fear, and stepped down the ramp, all too aware of how he looked now. Feeling clumsy with this changed body, he struggled to put his datapad back on his belt. One last thing to put between this moment and the next, the inevitable.

Phee met him at the bottom of the ramp, letting him step off. For a moment the voices around them dimmed, but neither of them spoke.

Oh no, she’s horrified. She’s disgusted. She’s—

“You look different.”

Blunt, as always.

“Oh.”

“I think I like it.”

“You… do?” Tech asked, caught off guard as he usually was with her. (How could anyone script conversations with a flirtatious, bold pirate?)

She shrugged. Was she… crying?

Some of his vision blurred. His eye malfunctioning? No. His right one. He was crying.

Hesitantly, she touched his shoulder. Tech jumped a little, but let her warm, assuring touch stay there. He wondered what that hand felt like—strong, calloused.

“It’s you, isn’t it?”

Was this him? All these differences, and injuries, and modifications?

Well, he was still Tech, so he supposed that made the plate in his skull him, the chip, the cybernetic leg, and eye. Still… Tech. Just different. A new Tech.

“I suppose.” He was surprised to hear himself speak.

“Then of course I like it! But I have a bone to pick with you.”

Tech almost backed away, startled, as her finger prodded against his chest.

What bone?

What—Oh!

“Seven months?!” she went on, voice raised and rough. “I don’t see you for seven months?! And all I could get out of Mr. Face Tattoo was that you were ‘indisposed.’”

“Sorry I’m… late,” he got out, as if that somehow summed up everything that had changed his life, that had even affected hers.

That’s when a sob left Phee, and her tears spilled, and she cupped Tech’s scarred face in her hand. It was calloused, just like he’d thought it’d be. Something about her touch was reassuring and invigorating all at once.

And it was kind.

Tech hadn’t realized how much he’d needed someone outside his family to support him until that moment. It left him weak in his right knee, and he might have trembled.

Phee sobbed again, and then got out with a smile bright enough to rival the stars, “But still—better late than dead, I always say.”

Tech held her hand against his face for a second, marveling at the feeling, her words. Then he wasn’t sure who pulled who into an embrace, but suddenly she was flush against him, her heart beating fast, chest moving with her sobs, a wild scent of ocean salt, island fruit, and some kind of warm spice surrounding him. With his chin tucked against her shoulder, and her head resting against his he learned her hair was a softness he’d never felt before.

“Though of course you had to lose one brown eye on me,” she joked. He was surprised when it didn’t hurt, not from her.

“I’ll try not to lose the other one.”

“You’d better. What am I supposed to call you now? ‘Brown Eye’ doesn’t sound romantic.”

“We could… make it romantic,” he ventured, voice a soft murmur against her.

Phee laughed, and pulled back, patting his cheek. “Honey, I’m not sure you know what romance is.”

For the first time since Plan 99, months and months ago, Tech laughed—something he’d thought he would never be capable of again. And, he thought, maybe he’d like to do it again. With Phee.

“I’m smart,” he assured her, watching as she wiped away her tears, wishing he could do it for her. He went on, surprising himself, “I’m sure I can learn.”

Phee took his hand in hers, and Tech was startled by how much he enjoyed that her hand was smaller than his.

“Well, come on then,” she said, starting to drag him along, towards society as a whole new person. “You’re gonna have a lot of studying to do.”

Tech smiled, somehow, as he followed her, leaving just a little bit of that dark lab behind him.

#star wars #the bad batch #tbb #tbb tech #phee genoa #tech x phee #techphee #techphee fanfiction #tbb fanfiction #the bad batch fanfiction #star wars fanfiction #star wars tbb #star wars tbb fanfiction #fanfiction #tech #writing #my writing

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jtl-fics · 1 year

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Fluent Freshman - Part 24

“What do you MEAN Smithy is in the hospital with a stab wound to his stomach?!” Nicky’s own voice is agony for his hangover but honestly, how the fuck else was he supposed to respond when he had asked Andrew where FF was and gotten that as a response.

“Calm down.” Andrew says and he looks tired, looks stressed, and maybe even just…a touch nervous?

Nicky isn’t as good as Neil at reading Andrew Minyard. He doesn’t think anyone will ever be as fluent in the language of Andrew Minyard as Neil Josten but Nicky has picked up some key phrases.

He can see when he’s making a joke that is a step too far. He can see when his cousin wants to kiss Neil but is holding back. He can see when his cousin is stressed.

He can see a guilty curve to Andrew’s spine.

“Andrew, answer me honestly, did you stab my sweet baby freshman?” Nicky asks and he’s not sure if the nausea he feels anymore is from horror or from the sheer number of drinks he had put in his system the night before.

Roland usually cuts him off before he gets this level.

Roland also has a habit of pouring heavier when he’s stressed.

Roland also also tends to make complicated fruity drinks that Nicky likes when he’s stressed.

Andrew’s jaw tenses but it’s Neil who speaks up, “It was an accident. It happened during a fight.” Neil says and Nicky throws his hands up in the air.

“You got into a FIGHT with my sweet baby freshman? Sweet little Smithy? The boy who made brownies that made me feel kinda straight for a dead woman?!” Nicky exclaims and sees Andrew and Neil open their mouths to say something but, “I promised him that if he wanted I’d get him something hard that’d mess his GUTS up but this isn’t what I MEANT.” He lets himself collapse dramatically over the table.

“Nicky, shut up!” Kevin hisses from his spot on the couch.

“When the fuck did Kevin get here?!” Because seriously, how fucked up was Nicky last night that he doesn’t remember Kevin coming on this Columbia trip? Where’d he sit? He couldn’t really remember coming over after Thanksgiving. Had Andrew put Kevin in the trunk? Had Andrew put Nicky in the trunk?

“He came with Wymack.” Neil cut in before Nicky started testing reality. “Wymack is at the hospital since he’s…uh…he’s the…”

“Medical Power of Attorney” Andrew answers.

“Yes! Thank you, the Medical power of attorney for Smith. He needed surgery and Wymack wanted to be nearby in case he had to make any pressing decisions.” Neil explains and yeah that tracks, he knows a little bit about FF’s family and knows that aside from his grandma on his dad’s side the rest can go take a long walk off a short volcano observation platform

“Okay, that explains why Kevin is here….how?! Despite all of the unwarranted advice, Kevin is not a medical professional.” Nicky says before turning to Kevin, “So Kevin, what insane Exy-related reason are you here? Don’t lie and say it’s because you want to sign the get well soon card.” He hisses.

“Fuck you!” Kevin spits, “I need to know how long Smiths is going to be out of commission and what his PT is going to look like. He was supposed to be starting during the spring season.” Kevin growls.

“There it is!” Nicky throws up his hands.

“Nicky, just calm down!” Neil pleads.

“How can I stay calm? Andrew stabbed Smithy! So not only is my favorite freshman in the hospital Andrew’s going to end up back on those god forsaken meds again!” Nicky shouts and buries his face in his hands.

“Smith isn’t going to say that.” Andrew’s voice is calm but Nicky can hear the slight edge.

“Oh yeah?” Nicky asks because he could see FF promising to never mention who stabbed him if Andrew would just spare his life. FF was going to be even MORE of a disaster when it came to his anxiety around Andrew. Nicky wouldn’t be surprised if his friend just straight up dropped out after this. His cousin is safe but he’s absolutely going to lose his friend.

“Because he’s saying Romero Malcolm stabbed him.” Andrew finishes.

Nicky sits up.

“Wait, what?” Nicky asks.

“Last night Romero Malcolm was at Eden’s.” Neil says voice even in a way that lets Nicky know that he’s trying to stay calm, “Smith recognized him, heard he wanted to grab,” Neil swallows thickly, “…grab one of my friends and saw them looking at…” Neil trails off and looks to Andrew who shakes his head, “…around for someone to grab.” Neil seems to decide and Nicky knows when something is being hidden from him but he’s more interested in the story than what Neil is hiding at the moment, “He got Romero’s attention so that he wouldn’t do anything bad in Eden’s and let Roland know to call help. He went out alone into the alley but Romero didn’t follow him.” Neil explains.

“Oh thank god.” Nicky sighs.

“Because he’d alerted Jackson Plank was lying in wait to ambush him.” Neil continues.

“Oh dear god.” Nicky exclaims.

“He uh…” Neil looks to Andrew who shakes his head again, “okay we don’t know exactly HOW Smith managed to do it but he beat Jackson up pretty bad.” Neil explains.

Nicky feels his brain stop working.

He has watched FF trip over his own feet, walk into four different trees, and almost sprain his ankle walking across a flat surface. He knows FF has been watching self-defense videos and had even gotten some pointers from Matt but even Matt had told him his better bet was probably just to yell “WOW WHAT’S THAT OVER THERE?!”, point behind the attacker, and run as fast as humanly possible away from a fight.

Neil is still talking.

Nicky boots back up quickly.

“…a gun. He tackled Romero into Andrew and Andrew’s knife ended up in Smith’s stomach on accident while they were wrestling for the gun. Smith is the one who said he’s going to tell everyone who asks that it was Romero. He even said it to me.” Neil says with an awkward laugh.

“And you believed him.” Andrew says and there’s warmth in his cousin’s eyes as he looks at Neil and teases him.

“And I believed him.” Neil confirms.

“Okay, so you swear to me that you did not INTENTIONALLY stab my BFF?” Nicky asks looking at Andrew seriously.

“BFF, seriously?” Kevin asks.

“Best Freshman Friend.” Nicky answers quickly, “Don’t worry Kevin, you lose out to Matt in all regards for my Best Senior Friend.” He says.

Kevin just flips him off but Nicky turns his attention back to Andrew, “Andrew, I need to hear it.” He says .

“I did not intentionally stab Smith.” Andrew confirms.

Nicky lets the horrified nausea leave him with only his hangover nausea.

“Okay, we can work with that.” Nicky leans back. “Have you heard from that Agent?” he asks looking at Neil.

Neil nods but then looks nervous and shoots a look towards Kevin, “The FBI is sending Browning and a field office agent to talk with us but…Ichirou also contacted me.” He says and Nicky watches as Kevin perks up.

“He did?!” Kevin squawks looking around like he expected the head of the Moriyama family to appear from the shadows.

“He wants to make sure we do our part to keep the Moriyama name out of this. He is going to deal with Romero and Jackson himself.” Neil says looking nervous.

Nicky clenches his eyes shut, “Well you’re not going to mention them right?” he hears Kevin ask.

“Of course not Kevin.” Nicky hears Andrew hiss.

“Good.” Kevin says.

There’s silence in the wake of Neil’s statement.

Nicky takes a deep breath and wishes his head was a little less agonizing. “Why aren’t we at the hospital to see Smithy?” he asks because he has nothing he can do about Ichirou so he may as well put it out of his mind.

There is some grumbling.

“Wymack said that he’ll just make us sit in the waiting room without any updates.” Neil says. “We’re picking up Smith’s grandma from the airport and she’s our ticket to getting an actual update beyond ‘not dead yet’ from Wymack.” He adds.

“What, you really can’t get updates without Wymack?” Nicky asks.

Andrew looks at Nicky and Nicky can’t read a single thing his cousin is thinking.

“What’s Smith’s first name Nicky.” Andrew asks.

“Oh God fucking Dammit.” Nicky’s head hurts too bad for this.

MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU

Per your requests:

@i-have-three-feelings

@blep-23 @dreamerking27 @andreilsmyreligion @belodensetdust @rainbowpineapplebottle @yarn-ace @iwouldlikesometea @lily-s-world @obscureshipsandchips @booklover242 @whataboutmyfries @sahturnos @pluto-pepsi @dreamerthinker @passinhosdetartaruga @leftunknownheart @aro-manita-muscaria @hologramsaredead @Chaoticgremlinswishtheycouldbeme @tntwme @tayspots @nick-scar @crazy-fangirl2524 @blue-jos10 @stabbyfoxandrew @splishsplashyouropinionistrash @sammichly @the-broken-pen @bitchesdoweknowu @very-small-flower @ghostlyboiii @its-a-paxycab @bisexual-genderfluid-fan @cheesecookie @theoneandonlylostsock @foxsoulcourt @blueleys @adverbialstarlight @elia-nna @can-i-just-stay-in-the-corner @nikodiangel @foxandcrow-inatrenchcoat @hallucinatedjosten @satanic-foxhole-court @vexingcosmos @chalilodimun @insectsgetcooked @angry-kid-with-no-money @queer-crows @lillyndra @themundanemudperson @readertodeath @apileofpillows @mortalsbowbeforeme @hellomynameismoo @next-level-mess @youreonlylow @interstellarfig @notprocrastinatingatalltoday @percyjacksonfan3 @queenofcrazy27 @bsmr261 @ghostlyscares @spencellio @adinthedarkroom @harpymoth @sufferingjustalilbit @anxietymoss @oddgreyhound @ohno-myhyperfixation-itsbroken @ken22789 @atiredvampire @isoldescorner @not--a--pipedream @azure-wing @bushbees @roonilwazlib-main @crumplelush @foldedaces-paperbirds @thesenseinnonsense @let-tyrants-fear @ketchupandfries @legowerewolf @deadlydodos @but-we-respect-his-craft @cariniqe @zanypersonapricotbiscuit @lesbian-blackbeard @lesbiansupernatural @silvermasquerade @thepeachfuzz @minniemariex @kazoo-the-demjin @gaypomegranate @ji-nk-ies @neilimfinejosten @omgrubelangel @itsyouitsmeorpheuseurydice @percabethotplove @cozyrosykay @foxyatlas

The requests to be added to the tag list keep being spread out across a few different areas. If I missed you please just ask again in the replies I promise I just missed you.

As stated before if you’re up here and I spelled it right but you didn’t get a notification there might be something switched around in your settings that won’t let me tag you properly?

#Fluent Freshman AU #I'm almost positive the next chapter will involve Grandma Smith actually #like 90%#Maybe even 95%#Aaron walks out 10 minutes later #Aaron: I feel like someone is stabbing me in the stomach #Nicky: You and Smithy both!#Aaron: ?????????#Neil: I think that it is too soon to make that joke #Andrew: At least give it 24 hours Nicky #Andrew: He might still be in surgery for all we know #Aaron: !!!!!??????#Kevin: I've been researching and it could be 4-6 weeks before Smith can be back on the Court.#Kevin: At least he'll only really miss 2 fall season games and he should be healed up by the time we start the spring season games #Aaron: What the FUCK happened and why is KEVIN here?#Andrew: We're not explaining it again figure it out yourself #GS is in the air right now #She's got a middle seat because it was a last minute booking #But the young man next to her is a real sweetheart #He speaks polish! what a small world #AFTG #AFTG OC #AFTG AU #My Fics #Andreil #Fluent Freshman - Part 24

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angelsanarchy · 9 months

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Glass Houses: Jack Thurlow x Y/N Series CH 11 -> CH 12

"Are you knocking over a pharmacy?”

“Medication alternatives.”

Tagging: @roryculkinluvr @thatsthewrongwallcraig @icarus-star @cc-luvr @madamemaximoff06 @shady-the-simp @quicksilversg1rl @s-0lar @kristennero-wallacewellsver @ophelialaufey @mayathepsychic1999

Jack made sure to get up at a decent hour so he could shower and give Ace an impromptu bath. Nothing special, just a quick rinse and fluff. Jack wouldn't exactly say he was trying to earn some brownie points but he hoped that if he returned Ace in top condition, maybe Y/n would bring him by more often to stay.

Jack was sitting on a lawn chair in the backyard tossing the ball to Ace when Y/n came around the corner, sunglasses pushed up to hold her hair back.

"Well look at you two, looking especially fluffy." Y/n handed Jack his coffee and took the seat across from him.

"I gave him a quick rinse this morning." Jack nodded as Ace jumped up on the seat giving Y/n kisses.

"Ah yes, thank you for washing the stench of your lust from my dog. I'm sure my mom would appreciate that." Y/n tossed him the burrito and he kissed the aluminum it was wrapped in.

"You are my new favorite neighbor. Have I told you that?" Jack complimented.

"Considering you don't talk to literally any other neighbors, I will accept that begrudgingly." Y/n reached in the bag and pulled out her own breakfast burrito so they both could eat.

"Oh I also brought you this." Y/n reached into her bag and pulled out a slip of paper, handing it over. Jack eyeballed it unsure of what he was reading.

"Are you knocking over a pharmacy?" Jack joked and she shook her head with a mouth full of food.

"Medication alternatives. I don't know what your exact ailments are but if they're psychological, these can absolutely help with negative side effects." Jack examined the list and noticed she had put little notes next to certain medications.

"Wow this is...extensive. You must think I'm really fucked up." Jack tried to play it off as a joke but she shrugged.

"The whole world is mentally ill, Jack. The only truly sane people are the ones smart enough to realize they need the help. There's nothing wrong with that." She took another bite of her burrito.

"I've been fucked up since I was a kid so medication has always been a part of my life. As you get older, shit changes and you've got to adjust some things." She roots around in her bag and pulls out a pill bottle.

"I've had manic depression since I was about 15 but by the time I was 18, I had asked my doctor about the longevity of the pills and he acted like a fucking prick about it. Who was I to question his methods as an actual doctor. The bastard took me off the meds cold turkey and I spiraled. It was fucking hell." Y/n had no hesitation explaining her medical history.

"After I changed doctors, I had to start taking medication for an extreme anxiety disorder that was caused by the bullshit he put my body through, which in turn completely shut off all sexual desires until I was at least 21." Jack's attention piqued.

"You had zero sexual desires going into your 20's? I feel like I fucked more at 20 than I have in my whole life." Jack commented.

"It just wasn't there. I would watch porn, read it, try different kink scenes and nothing even got me remotely turned on. Plus the anxiety meds dried my pussy out to an insanely uncomfortable level. It was like sandpaper just trying to masturbate." Jack winced.

"Jesus...what did you do?" He was enthralled now. She was so open with him and it felt good to be able to talk to someone who experienced some shitty medication side effects. He felt less alone in the struggle.

"After being sexless for almost 6 years, I finally said enough. Told my doctor it had to change because I was too young to not get off and I was tired of feeling like my cunt was a wasteland for tumbleweeds." Jack almost spit his coffee from a chuckle.

"Slight medication adjustment and you'll be happy to know I broke the sexless streak and have never been wetter." She held up her coffee cup and Jack clinked his cup to hers.

"Well I'm happy that you've regained a wet pussy and all the sex a nurse has the time for." Jack smirked and she tossed a hash brown at him.

"No pressure obviously. I just think it's stupid to put yourself through bullshit for no reason. We have mental illness but they don't have us. Fuck those stupid chemical imbalanced bullshit. Take back your life, man." Y/n continued to encourage and Jack nodded.

"I really appreciate this. Thank you. You didn't have to do all this but I really do feel like I might be able to use it." Jack tucked the paper into his pocket and Y/n nodded feeling accomplished.

"I will not only commend you on the strides of being able to finally jerk off but to be able to multitask while doing so is pretty impressive." Y/n continued to pick at her food and Jack pinned his eyebrows together confused.

"Multitask? It's pretty simple: point and shoot." Jack chuckled.

"No I meant jerking off while smoking. I would probably set my bed a blaze." She teased making crimson creep up Jack's neck.

"You...how did-"

"Smoke rises sweetheart. The window was open and you weren't exactly being a church mouse." Y/n crumpled her trash and threw it into the brown bag. Jack covered his face with his hands and wanted to silently melt into the chair.

"You're welcome by the way for the free show. I was going to buy you a new ashtray but since you said you were able to cum, I feel like I've completed my job on that one." Y/n reached out and tugged on Jack's elbow.

"Don't be embarrassed. Next time don't be such a tease and get naked yourself." Y/n waited until Jack looked at her before smiling.

"Yeah...I'll be sure to do that...if I don't just throw myself out the window first." Jack scoffed as she got to her feet and whistled to Ace.

"Where's the fun in that?" She smirked giving him a wink.

"Enjoy your day, Thurlow." She called over her shoulder as Ace followed closely behind her. Jack watched her hips sway as she walked away, ass bouncing in light washed jeans. It was the little shake she gave that made him shake his head.

She knew he had seen her. She had seen him. She still got naked. He owes his doctor a fruit basket.

#Jack Thurlow #Jack Thurlow x Y/N #Jack Goes Home #Glass Houses #Glass Houses Series #One Shot Series #Rory Culkin #Culkin Cult #11/38

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macgyvermedical · 2 months

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Hi! I am working on a fic in which the main character (superhero in the MCU) gets hit by a villain's unknown gas that causes extreme and irritational fear/paranoia/anxiety (sort of similar to the DCU's fear toxin, I guess). I'm just wondering how this would work medically, as the character will obviously see a doctor after the fact. I'd like the conclusion to essentially be "you'll just have to let the toxin/drugs run their course," but what kind of tests would be run, and would they be able to determine what exactly is in the character's system? (Since it's a reality-flexible universe, there can be elements of the toxin that aren't actually real or familiar/recognizable to make it cause some of the reactions I'm wanting.) Is there any sort of meds they might give the character? Any insights you might have to make the conversation with the doctor at least a little realistic would be very helpful, thank you! :)

Sounds like a pretty standard day on my observation unit haha.

There are lots of drugs, particularly stimulants, club drugs, and THC, that can cause paranoia and anxiety. The thing is, none of them do it consistently enough that you could easily make them into a chemical weapon like you're describing.

The closest IRL chemical weapon to a fear toxin is called QNB (aka BZ). QNB is a deliriant/incapacitant, meaning that it causes incapacitating confusion, hallucinations, and probably paranoia and anxiety as well without causing death. There is no antidote that has been identified, and the drug really does just need to run it's course.

Let's say your character went to the emergency room. They'd probably draw some blood and take a urine sample. The blood would mostly be used to see how the person was doing physically (what their electrolyte levels were, how many red and white blood cells they have, what their blood glucose is, etc...) and maybe get an alcohol level. The urine would be used to do a urinalysis (basic test to determine whether someone has a UTI or has things in their urine that shouldn't be there, like blood or mucous) and a urine tox screen.

Unlike what most people think, a urine tox screen won't identify everything. It will just identify the top 10 commonly abused drugs. It's the same test that they run when people start a new job. If the fear toxin is a common problem in-universe, though, they might have a specific test for that that could also be run on the blood or urine. We don't have a specific test for QNB.

Once they got all the tests back and they were normal, they would know this was probably either a drug they couldn't identify or a psych problem. They might gets seen by a psychiatrist in the emergency department, but if intoxication was suspected (as in, the patient reported that their symptoms started when they were exposed to a drug), psych would probably want to wait until the person was sober.

For this they may be admitted to an observation unit to let the drug run its course. They might also be given an antipsychotic medication like olanzepine or haloperidol, or a benzodiazepine like lorazepam to decrease agitation/paranoia/anxiety.

If the person was a flight risk due to their paranoia and it was deemed that they couldn't make good decisions for themselves, they might also have a 1:1 sitter or a video sitter to stay with them and stop them from leaving (or in the case of a video sitter, alert nursing staff to them trying to leave).

#whump reference #writing reference #superheroes #fear toxin #psych #paranoia #anxiety

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whentherewerebicycles · 8 months

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hoo boy it’s Tuesday and what a week it’s been already. Pip was up all night demanding to be let out to hork down grass and then hork it back up again, so nobody in this house slept much 😩 I also started getting so anxious last night I was short of breath and then had those awful choking dreams where I wake up gasping for air, which I haven’t had for years. at one point I just woke up and sobbed for a while and then went right back to sleep. I feel a little better this morning but in general I think there may be something Not Right about my current levels of panic/dread/despair. like yes I have some reason to worry based on past experience but the intensity of the feelings is outside my normal range of emotional ups and downs. I have always been suuuper sensitive to anything that messes with my brain chemistry and I wonder if this is a “surge of new intense hormones” + “suddenly not being on the meds that have been regulating my brain chemistry for the past 12 years” kinda thing.

like if I step back from the anxiety and try to look at it objectively when I am calmer, I know:

my HCG numbers and rate of rise are at the very top end of the normal range, which is strongly associated in the literature with ongoing pregnancy and live birth

my numbers and rate of rise last time were NOT in the normal range and were in fact one of the fairly textbook patterns for an ectopic pregnancy

I am not experiencing any of the classic symptoms of miscarriage—no pain, no cramping, no bleeding

I have never been all that physically sensitive to HCG—the trigger shot has consistently just given me mild GI symptoms whereas other women experience full-on early pregnancy symptoms. last time my levels eventually reached 18,000 before the surgery (which is close to where I am right now) and I still was having zero symptoms. it seems possible my mild symptoms are not a Harbinger of Doom but are just my body not being that reactive to HCG. my mom says that in four healthy pregnancies she never had morning sickness or any really marked symptoms of pregnancy so maybe there’s a genetic basis to it

I can tell I’m ignoring the symptoms I am experiencing (or dismissing them as unimportant/meaningless) in favor of fixating on the ones I am not experiencing and according those the greatest significance. this feels like classic anxiety brain

having one ectopic increases your risk of having another one but as far as I can tell the odds are higher if they open the tube and then stitch it back up as opposed to removing it entirely. I know my right tube seemed to have a weird little kink in it that showed up in the HSG exam and that was indeed where the ectopic took place. my remaining tube is totally clear/open so there is no particular reason to think I will have a recurrent ectopic.

most women do not have access to this level of data about their pregnancies at six weeks! I need to remember it’s not normal to have so much information so early to obsess over. if I weren’t undergoing fertility treatments and had just gotten pregnant naturally I wouldn’t be going in for a first scan until 8-10 weeks and probably wouldn’t even know my HCG numbers. the intense levels of anxiety I am feeling are probably Brain Stuff gone awry but also I think are a product of having too much info too soon, which partly gives me the illusion of control but much more strongly makes me aware of how little control any of us have over this process. this entire journey has been about just the extreme agonies of waiting through long stretches of time where you literally cannot do anything to influence what is happening inside your body. that is a hard thing to do! and a hard thing to accept! I am doing the best I can in the circumstances I am in!

but also I can probably help myself out a bit by asking about SSRIs and/or cognitive behavioral therapy sigh

#IUI tag

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neverluckygoldfish · 4 months

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48 -

I’m really proud of myself lately.

have not called in sick to work because of depression - haven’t needed to! It is SO nice to have a job that doesn’t make me die inside a little every day and fill me with dread.

gotten up every morning and taken my dog out

been trying some “biohacking” for my energy levels - Vitamin D, B12, waiting before screen time in the AM, light exposure & cold exposure. Maybe some of it is total bologna but hey, at least I’m problem solving

on that note, feeling motivated to try new things and take care of myself

was sick but I made myself rest & didn’t beat myself up about a “lack of productivity”

haven’t been bingeing on sugar (except last night because it was vday, sue me)

have been drinking water

have NOT been drinking alcohol! yay me, day 11 round 2.

have been going to bed consistently at 10pm

have been able to talk myself out of negative ruminating thoughts

I haven’t been taking my ADHD meds and I have significantly less anxiety. Though I am back to my wee little space cadet ways. But I’ll take the absentmindedness over the constantly worrying or tightness in my chest.

However, still taking my ssri & it really does make a world of difference for me

I have health insurance! And a consistent paycheck!!!

have caught up & made things right with a good friend

am applying to esthetician school!!

can i just say my skin has been GIVING lately. I am feelin’ myself.

it’s not that serious, seriously

also not shopping impulsively - like actually being frugal….me? Ok but yesterday I did find a cute top at aritzia on MEGA sale. Rules are bendy, don’t tell my husand

eating my veggies like the good little rabbit I am

have been getting ready every day

can actually visualize my future/long term goals (well a year out)

actually using my planner again

excited to hit some goals??? WHO AM I

content with who I am & trusting in how I show up

slooowwwly, but surely - releasing expectation of perfection from myself.

slooowwwly, but surely - accepting, forgiving and embracing every part of me

love my human & my dog & my people

2024 is my year or at least I’m determined to make it so because I am tired of being sad and disappointed and depressed and unconfident scared and melancholy and apathetic.

I want a life that brings me joy so this is the year I finally achieve that.

I believe I can! Each day, a little better & brighter :)

#self love #healing #recovery #mental health #sobriety #healing journey #alcoholism #addiction recovery #depression recovery #love your life #love yourself #self compassion #higher self #baby steps #i am worthy #i am going insane

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unicornachos · 1 year

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personal post!

hey hi I’m alive sorry for abandoning my blog for like 1.5 yrs??? I had a bunch of health issues and mental health stuff too :’)

Like very full on... god what HASN’T happened.

My body had a weird reaction to the covid vaccines in 2021? I ended up in hospital etc and was sick with mystery fatigue and shit for months and months.... I think I went to hospital like 4-5 throughout 2021? My body seems fine with the MRNA boosters I’ve gotten so maybe something in my body just hated the astrazeneca vaccine?? I’m kinda bitter about it bc of the ambulance bills I had to pay, but still, thank god for vaccines amirite

then, the apartment I was living in and loved got bought by someone who then wanted to move in, so I had to leave the place I loved living to somewhere still nice but way more expenno, and my health issues kinda continued?

then I started a new job

then my mental health got REALLY bad over the 2021/2022 christmas period to the point where I had to call an ambulance for myself bc my mind was in such a bad place.

Then I started taking SSRI’s for depression/anxiety, but I had this weird reaction to the drugs and we think I had serotonin syndrome because of its interaction with the asthma meds I’ve been taking all my life? But at the time no doctors would listen to me and basically gaslit me into thinking all the pain was just a physical manifestation of my anxiety. Anyway, it caused some of the most horrific pain i’ve ever experienced in my life, in particular nerve and muscle pain in my legs, and I had to shower sitting down for weeks, couldn’t walk much around the house, and needed super strong meds to knock me out so I could sleep.

I slowly healed and could walk again and do normal stuff for me around... late April?

While I was recovering I stayed with my mum but still paying rent in Sydney bc all my shit was there, so in June I killed my lease, put most of my shit into storage with a friend’s parent’s mini warehouse they use for their business (absolute legends and wholesome humans and I sent them money every month lol) and moved back home.

I started studying a certificate level course I’d been wanting to get over and done with for ages, so at the end of June I started studying.

Then once again mental health got bad, I tried SSRIs again, thinking it was me who was the problem last time I took them. BUT ACTUALLY, NO. Same physical reaction to the meds as last time, if not worse. It wasn’t my brain making shit up, it was an actual fucking drug interaction issue that ppl had tried to tell me was my anxiety and/or imagination!!! Queue horrific pain, weird symptoms, and once again the inability to walk or clean or work from anywhere but the couch.

Dr and I decided any meds that effect my serotonin levels are a no-go probably forever, and so I’ve been looking into CBD oil over the past few months to see if that will work for things instead.

Now I’m about... 2 months from that reaction, and started CBD oil 2 weeks ago (no reaction, side effects, or really anything yet) and can work at my desk as long as I have a big ass XL foot rest under my legs to keep them propped up, because I get nerve pain if I sit normally :’) I still can’t really go anywhere or walk anywhere other than around the house and for super short periods of time.

Also I powered through and finished my course just last week, so that’s out of the way at least!

Other than that, I’ve just been like. Sleeping, reading, watching shows, napping, sleeping more, trying to eat well.... my job is a bitch but I’m trying rly hard to skill up so I can do more of what I’m interested in! I kind of don’t have energy for much else at the moment??

I have no idea if I’ll post again as regularly as I did a few years back, but I love Tumblr and I always feel glad coming back here and spending time in this place for a bit. These days I mainly only post stuff on my locked private twitter lol. But I have always preferred Tumblr’s longer format and vibes hehe.

ANyway that’s all for now! I hope anyone reading this has been doing ok. These past few years have been fucking tough and if all you have energy for is working and sleeping... you’re valid, dude.

And if you plan to take SSRIs for your mental health, just be wary of serotonin syndrome!!!! Not enough ppl talk about it and a lot of doctors seem to have no idea it exists or also know little about it, but there are lots of cases of it in settings where ppl have been taking other meds and been given SSRIs! I’m not saying don’t take meds if you need them, but just reaaaallllyyy do your research first if you can about adverse reactions and interactions :’)

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fearecia · 1 year

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Ah yes, the incompetence of the medical field.

See the PCP to try and get appropriate referrals because I really need one person managing my HRT and hashimotos, since the former directly affects med dosages of the latter. I also want to try and get a handle on the constant inflammation issues that are most likely not related to the hashimotos.

Doc is running behind. No one gets a medication update from me. Manage endo referral and get inflammation panel ordered, but get rushed back out of office without half the things on my list addressed.

Doc runs blood work. Blood sugar comes back a little elevated, cholesterol is completely whacked, WBC count is, as usual, nicely elevated, and inflammation makers are pissed off as expected.

I get a call stating that they are all concerned about the blood sugar and the cholesterol. Want to repeat labs in a week. Oh, and they ordered an A1C.

Bitch, I'm on accutane. That shit fucks your cholesterol. I also have needle poke anxiety, so the blood sugar always spikes. Chill. It's fine. Please redo my T labs because they came back stupid high, and it's probably because I had applied the gel maybe an hour before having blood drawn.

A1C comes back pre-diabetic. Huh. That's odd. I'm usually really darn good on that one. Oh hey, look at this. Turns out that accutane will raise your A1C noticeably around the 5 month mark (hi, that's where we're at). Well that makes sense. Cool.

Repeated CBC comes back with yet further elevated WBC. Surprise surprise.

Get a call from the assistant. "You're in pre-diabetic levels. Doc wants you to eat a low carb diet and we'll recheck in 3 months."

"I'm on accutane. It will raise the A1C. Yeah, sure, we'll redo labs. Whatever."

Bitch, I've been on a low carb diet for at least the last 5 years. Like, cool it. And maybe have half a brain. If you'd bother to look at the previous recorded result, you'd see that I'm usually golden. Also maybe look at things a bit more holistically? Like, I'm losing weight, for gods' sakes. Did you bother to notice that I weigh less than last time you saw me? Did ya? Nah. Didn't think so.

I'll let you run labs in 6 months. One, because I probably have another month of accutane left. Two, the A1C reflects the last three months of blood sugar, so we need to give my body time to recover. Three, because chronic inflammation also affects all that shit, and my body needs time to calm down.

Also, how about you address the elevated WBC and inflammation markers like I asked you to? HMMMMMM?

All this followed by an automated email from planned Parenthood stating that my hormone levels came back high and they want a SHBG run.

We ran the SHBG alongside the testosterone. 🤦

And yes, the second round of T labs did come back lower, but still higher than I was expecting. Combined with the SHBG, things are a little high, but we'll adjust and be fine.

Nothing like having to educate and manage your own damn doctors. Constantly. And nothing like having to wrangle referrals from said doctors because you need specialists for your care, and said specialists won't take new patients without said referrals.

I'm annoyed and bitching. Because chronic health conditions also means chronic doctor management. And I'm tired of it.

#chronic health issues #hashimotos #accutane #side effects #stupid doctors #ranting #chronic pain

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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Hi, I mainly need someome to tell me that I am not alone in my experience. Tw panic attacks

I don't really know where to start... I have heard, from many different mental health specialists in many different situations, that you just need to confront scary situations long enough, until they don't scare you anymore. Like that nurse in the psychiatric ward who, when I had a panic attack, forced me to sit through it and hindered me from doing my usual, calming, panic attack-shortening stuff. Because she said "You need to see that nothing can happen." but I still have panic attacks, for 8 years now and I am torn between 'those people are idiots' and 'I am doing something wrong or I am wrong'.

I also had bad experiences with doctors. I still visit mine regularly to get my meds, but I enter with a high anxiety level and need to calm myself down constantly. For years. It is not getting any easier. And some doctors I completely avoid.

I always planned to go to therapy and get my general anxiety level down. Or maybe it's the hypervigilance, whatever, I am always tense af. So maybe it is that, that those people treated me like someone with anxiety and not someone with cptsd (because I wasn't diagnosed back then) but still. I feel like a failure, because whatever I do, I seem to be unable to fix it by myself...

Hello anon,

Thank you reaching out to us so we have an opportunity to validate your experiences - you're definitely not alone, I have c-ptsd as well.

From what you shared, it sounds like some people had tried to use specific therapeutic tools to treat a symptom versus the diagnosis, and were focused on “fixing” it (the sense of panic), and not teaching you coping skills on how to live with c-ptsd.

Unfortunately, because you have an understandable layered history with the medical community, you might not be getting the help you deserve and therein lies the vicious cycle of c-pstd. Mental illness often lies to us, declares we are unworthy of help, and that’s where I want to push back against the inner critic: this isn’t something you can “fix” by yourself, because if you could, you would have by now and there is no shame in that, it just sadly is.

I want to tack on a few articles, and posts regarding what c-pstd is (I’m sure you’ve already looked up similar) but just to really reiterate, that it’s literally labeled “complex” - and that doesn’t mean it’s so complex it can’t be tackled, but that it’s complex enough that you deserve the help of trained professionals to help manage your symptoms, because we all deserve to life our own lives on (at the bare minimum) a functioning level.

I think the first step is to consider talking to a professional about your generalized anxiety, especially when it comes to the medical community and building up from there. One step at a time, and with the support you have always deserved.

Either way, I hope things ease <3

- Mod Kat

#trauma talks #mod kat #tw panic attacks

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undeadorion-archive · 2 years

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Bodies are just so goddamn weird.

Back in 2015/2016 I started to sort out a crap ton of health issues. Coming out as trans dragged me out of a deep dark hole I’d been in for probably a decade. Part of that adjustment was drastically altering my diet as I was in the early stages of a binge eating disorder and ate a lot of garbage food. The biggest change was drastically reducing how much sugar I had. Over the course of a year or so I managed to lose 60lbs. It was the best I’d ever felt.

Then in 2017 I ended up living with my mom. History time. She was the source and catayst of my eating disorder. Prior to a gastic bypass surgery she’d been over 400lbs at just 5′6. And to make herself feel better pushed her eating habits onto me and my sisters. She was also extremely controlling and couldn’t stand when I didn’t follow her everywhim. So my losing weight on my own was not something she could handle. Despite not being able to eat much herself anymore, she’d bake large batches of cookies and desserts then insist I have “just one.” Constantly. So I lied and said my doctor told me I had to go full no sugar.

At first it was fine, just a small step down from what I’d already done. And I lived by it because I thought it was a step I needed to take. At first I felt just fine. But I got a huge life unheval in which I came home one day to find my mom had moved out (but that’s another story I’ve shared before). So I had to drop out of school and find a job and a place to live. And I chalked all of my exhaustion up to depression and stress.

Only it really never went away. My energy level was just constantly low, with a minor spike here and there. But I also had a number of other problems, like needing massive amounts of emergecy dental work and working in a soul crushing job.

Eventually I moved in with my dad in 2019, and thought maybe. Finally. I’d feel better. Only I didn’t. Maybe it was jumping back into school before I was ready. Maybe it was taking on a job that I was underqualified for. But then the pandemic hit, and I lost my job but got on unemployment. Finally. Minimal stress and all the recovery time I needed. Only...I never felt completely better. Every day was a dice roll on whether or not I’d have the energy to do anything.

I kept trying to be active, but I could manage 1 or 2 days of bike riding or going for a walk before I’d crash. And I gained all the weight back.

Okay, maybe it was the anxiety causing me problems. Stress was a big thing, and anxiety is just stress, right? Talked to my doctor finally, got on anxiety meds. I felt better for a little bit, then a minor injury set me back. I mean, the anxiety was better but now I was just tired 24/7.

I figured it was a matter of excercise. So I tried and tried and tried. I’d get a few days in, then crash. Or I’d be so tired that trying to exercise made me feel ill. Finally, I asked my doctor about it and we decided fibromyalgia might be a likely cause (mostly due to other factors like chronic pain). But she ordered bloodwork to rule out things like diabetes.

The reason I cut down on sugar to begin with was a blood test that showed I was prediabetic. After nearly 7 years of maintaining a healthy, low sugar diet...the needle hadn’t moved at all. I was still prediabetic.

I spent that night mulling over “why am I even doing this, then?” cause a sugar free diet is no fun. It’s expensive and nothing tastes right. And there’s sugar in EVERYTHING.

So the next day, out of sheer spite for my own body, I made a batch of full sugar muffins. And proceeded to eat 3 of them through the day.

I expected to feel like utter garbage. Every other time I’d unexpectedly gotten sugar (usually ordering a diet soda and getting regular), I would feel like crap for like 2 full days. But...I didn’t. I felt better. So I proceeded to add sugar back into my diet, bit by bit. And each day I had more and more energy.

I thought it was all temporary when I started to feel like crap again. But it resolved in a few days to be a cold. And I was prepared to be sick for weeks on end, as had been the trend. But it passed in just a few days.

Over the course of the last few weeks, a ton of little mysterious issues have been clearing up. Like I was constantly dehydrated but drinking more water would just pass right through me. My heat intollerance got worse every year, anything over 68 degress and I’d feel like I was dying. Stuff like that. It turns out your body needs energy to actually do anything properly. And I guess mine can’t extract enough energy from other sources.

So now I’m required to have sugar. Little treats are now medically necessary.

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casspurrjoybell-26 · 1 month

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Too Old For This - Chapter 18 - Part 2

*Warning Adult Content*

"So, it's normal? Common? Expected?"

"Well," the older man started, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I guess it is normal enough."

There was silence in the car after that.

"I see..." the younger man trailed, frowning to himself.

"What do you do when it happens? When your sister isn't home..."

Zachery shrugged.

"I wait for it to go away. I eat something. I sleep..."

"That's what you do when you have a cold, not when it looks like you're dying..." Leroy trailed, cutting the older man off.

"Don't just sit home and wait for yourself not to faint. What the hell? Do you know how what you said sounds?"

Zachary wasn't sure if he was being scolded or sympathized with.

Maybe Leroy was just stressed out or he heard something from a nurse that had overblown the situation.

Zachary Looked over at the younger man, noticing how tight his grip on the steering wheel had been.

"Well, it's been my life for as long as I remember, so maybe I don't know what it sounds like," Zachary said, watching as Leroy's grip softened on the wheel.

"I get sick, Leroy and if I went to the doctor every time, I felt a little bad I'd be in the emergency room every other business day. I had to learn to handle some of it at least..." Zachary trailed, sighing a bit.

"Also, I would have called a cab if I thought I absolutely needed to see a doctor. It's just chronic pain and exhaustion, there's nothing you can really do but take care of yourself and hope it goes away if you throw enough pain meds at it."

"We didn't talk for a bit and I got careless. I cried a lot and didn't eat normally or get enough sleep. I also overdid things I was supposed to do in moderation, like staring at my cell-phone or pacing around..."

Zachary folded his hands under his blanket.

"I thought I could avoid crashing but I did anyway. It's preventable, I just wasn't being self-conscious enough..."

"So, you don't sleep or eat well for a few days, so you then faint?" Leroy asked, a little confused.

"I get why it sounds weird but different people have different tolerance levels. Mine is just extremely poor due to compounding factors. It's why I can't do a lot of things. No one trusted me to go to college in person and actually tough it out. It's fine, I don't think I could have done it either..." Zachary trailed, resting his head on the passenger seat.

Leroy stayed quiet for a bit, not sure what to say.

He didn't want to come off as too worried or personal.

He didn't know Zachary very well even though the older man had become such a big part of his life in a short while.

Also, he didn't want to upset whatever it was they had by acting like a boyfriend when they were barely even friends with benefits, so he swallowed down all the worry and anxiety about the whole morning and reached out a hand, touching Zach's knee through the ugly hospital blanket.

The older man looked down, with a puzzled look on his face but he took his hand from under his blanket to rest it over Leroy's.

Their fingers interlocked and the younger man gave his hand a squeeze.

"I know you know yourself better than I do but if you ever need a ride to the hospital or just need someone to be at home with you while you pull yourself together, you can always call me..."

Zach's gaze softened at the younger man's words.

"Leroy..."

"Even when I'm at work, you can call me. I'll come to get you," Leroy said, not letting Zachary finish.

"It's okay. I want to help you handle it."

Zachary nodded, looking down at their entwined bass.

"Leroy."

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry for scaring you," Zachary mumbled under his breath and the younger man smiled, nodding his head.

"It's okay. It's not your fault," Leroy said, pulling his hand away so he could change the gear.

The two sat in silence for the rest of the ride and when Zachary was lying in bed that night, he thought about what Leroy had said.

'You can always call me,' the words echoed in his head as his heart fluttered.

He'd always been afraid of asking for help.

He hadn't wanted to get his parents out of work when he was in elementary school and middle school.

He had not wanted to bother his teachers in high school or college by constantly asking for accommodations and he didn't want to inconvenience his sister or make her feel like she couldn't foster her relationship outside the state by being needy.

He never wanted to feel like a burden but here was Leroy, strangely upset that he hadn't been asked for help.

Zachary sighed, staring up at the ceiling as he realized that his feelings for Leroy were growing at a rapid pace.

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toinfinitywinning · 3 months

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Yes a Dog Post.

Currently he’s snoring—loudly. God Love him. A few words. Your kids don’t have to be homosapians. He’s a mammal.

Happy 12th born Day, Andy! 3/1/212. For the 2nd time. ✔ my math or I’ll just have AI do all my hw assignments. Finally found his adoption papers frm Lex Humane Shelter or Society—can’t remember exactly but either place it was full of dogs…if we’re talking positives we’ve gotten just crazy close. In fact sometimes he gets closer than I’d like. Like a Heeler trait, RIP Jessie. He old man grunts when I nudge him to pls give me some space on my full not Q sized bed w/ a 60lb Dog thinking he’s a kitten when I need to stretch my bad knee. I politely remind him it’s actually my bed & he has 12. But truly he’s had 2b so patient & extra empathetic. Like innate endorphins. I’d never fully seen this intense loyalty Velcro-y type behavior. B/c of this, I half taught 50% him how to open and shut cracked doors w/ His nose. This was well beyond his Lane 2 years ago but there have been times when he’s already eaten & watered & been out when he starts buckin’ around & I’m like ur gon have 2 figure it out I can’t get up.

learned 2 shake w/ with his L hand. learned new words & phrases like “stay” & “let me see your dirty toes”, “Gentry has some meds let me see ur eyeball (Allergies)”, “Andy—did u scratch all my pillows onto the ground?” (only does this when I’ve Left the bldg, pipes up an attitude & surrounds himself w/ my pillows pushing them away)?”, “u need 2 wait I came to the kitchen for me”, “Gramma & Pop are here get in the car”, “gentry’s sick right now”, “I do not feel comfortable you following me so closely so you Go”, “ok that’s enough Stop sniffing, Stop”, “ok now you don’t get a biscuit every time you Go to the bathroom.” I must have really confused him. also an attitude if I smell like mi casita & don’t present him w/ a tortilla.

I’d never given him the credit but he is not as semi-impaired I once thought he might b-just crippled w/Anxiety like his Mom time 2 time. I read when dogs make eye contact w/ u & hold it that shows the deepest level of Love. He sees Right through me & he knows something hasn’t been Right. He’s been an Angel. the reason I’m somewhat not 100% lifeless b/c he still needs 2 Exercise 2. @ this point idk whose level of codependency is more tragic.

Someday maybe the excess pandemic 4 me will End only if he promises me he won’t. Every1 always says they have the best Mom, Dad or Dog. Well I actually do so let me win this 1. ღ this sweet Boy. He trusts me so much more. Go hug a loved 1 something. Never kno when ur Life & sanity might depend on their presence and affection. Dogs are so much better than humans most days.

a’ight 10% battery warning & UK plays @ 1:30 lay back down. Gosh I ღ this kid.

#dogs #happy Birthday #Dog #best friend #Andy #Lab mix #12 #HBD #adogisagirlsbestfriend

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lifeafteratransplant · 5 months

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Health Anxiety & Trying to Get Into a Routine

Life, is hard. No doubt about it, and having a crazy, stressful schedule is not making it any easier, obviously.

No I don't have kids, but I have a husband, two animals, and myself. Lab/blood draw appointments every Monday, grocery shopping, taking my photography classes, taking my dog to vet for whatever reason, taking him to the groomers, making sure I visit with my mom, and talk to my family back in Iowa, it all comes down on me, and yeah it might not seem as hard as raising a kid, but it is hard for me.

I am double organ transplant recipatant. Which means that I have health anxiety through the roof sometimes. I have to check my blood levels every week just tp make sure I am ok. I hope that it isn't like that forever but I have been through 3 rejections in the 2 years since I had my transplant. Every time was terrifying. This last time was the scariest thought, cause it wasn't just my pancreas it was my kidney too. The thought of loosing my kidney made me sob, and my heart jump out of my chest. My pancreas has been touchy since the get-go. If I loose that I would become diabetic again, which I can handle. Loosing my kidney would me I would have to go back on dialysis and for me that isn't an option. They have used the strongest rejection drugs on me as the possibly can, 3 times now. Meaning that I cannot take them again. Imagine that in the back of your head 24/7, not fun.

This anxiety that I carry makes it hard to make plans, be in public, affects relationships, and causes deep depression and loneliness. I live in a state where this not a lot to do. With my multiple rejections, I haven't been able to hold a job, So basically I am a stay home wife, and that is not something I thought I would ever be. I'm not saying that is bad by any means, but I NEED to have a job to feel like I am contributing to society some how. It becomes very lonely and I fall into a state of depression where it is hard to get out of sometimes.

That is where the second half of the title of this blog post comes in. Trying to have a routine is so important. You have better sleep, which helps your mood, and you energy levels, which helps you get done that shit that needs to get done. I wake up about 8:30-9 every morning, and as of recently try to have breakfast. Whether it be a smoothie, toast and fruit, eggs and bacon. Something in my stomach always helps. Also I take a lot of meds so that is important to have food in your system when taking those. From there, I usually get on the computer check my emails, scroll Facebook, and then look at what I need to do around the house. I am ALWAYS cleaning it seems, I have two pets, both who shed like crazzzzy! Vacuuming every day or every other day is a must, and moping at least once a week. I cooke a lot so constantly loading and unloading the dishwasher, and cleaning the stove and counter tops. The list goes on. After the cleaning is done, I watch my photography courses, do some laundry, make myself lunch, and as of recently I had to put together a whole list of documents for my husband's immigration lawyer so he can get his 10 year green card. Some days I run into town to run errands, like doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, pick up medications, and as of recently furniture shopping. (I'll explain that in another post) I find that just having a list of things to do and crossing them off really helps me.

Everyone's life is different, so that means every routine will look different. Don't model your life after someone else's, you do what works best for you and your schedule. Know your limits, take the time to rest and take care of yourself and life will start to get, maybe not easier, but let's say peaceful. Find solitude and happiness in the little things, and don't take yourself so seriously. Always take care of YOU first, then you can give your best self to the ones you love.

Much love,

Karli

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