#i posted this on twt but i thought i should share here because it was fun to write
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alright gonna be so ill about this scene rq and why its so incredibly amazing for Kanna’s character
Kanna understands the power of emotions and how it can drive people to do things they normally wouldn't, while other characters cannot quite grasp the concept. She's the only one confirmed going through it with hallucinations, (Sara, Keiji, and arguably Shin,) but isn't letting them deter her in any way, and in fact accepts the people who died trying to protect her and is living for her; which is obviously not the case with the other three.
Sara lets the memory of Joe completely consume her in chapter 2, and in the emotions route, while she no longer struggles with hallucinations of Joe, it's still evident that his death changed her motivations. This is different from Kanna, who already learned this lesson with her sister’s death in chapter 1-2; she learned from Reko and Sara to not let her sister’s death completely consume her and then learned from Shin's death how to recognize what compelled them to sacrifice themselves for her
The difference doesn't seem like a lot but it’s 'living for yourself, learning your strength from the people who loved you and could see it when you couldn't' vs 'living to not have someone's sacrifice in vain' y’know? It says a lot about Sara and Kanna's self worth in relation to the deaths of their loved ones.
Looking at Shin, while his hallucinations are more implied, I think it's fair to believe that at the Very Least he would struggle with delusions revolving Kanna's death.
^This scene specifically showcasing how if its not struggling with the reality of Kanna’s death, he’s ignoring it to cope. It’s easier to pretend the people he has to be allies with didn’t have as big of a role in her death as they did. - (this dialogue from Shin and Keiji is some of my favorite but that’s for another day)
Back to the topic at hand, after Kanna's death, Shin's motivations completely shift. One of my favorite scenes in 3A is when the gang uses the elevator for the first time and whichever one Sara decides to use, Shin uses the opposite. Of course, this can read as him just being petty, but before this, Shin typically followed people with high percentages- he usually wouldn't go somewhere for the first time by himself unless he goes with someone with a high percentage, or at least scoped out by someone with a higher percentage. This is such a character defining moment because this illustrates he is no longer desperate for his own survival.
Chapter 3 and on, Shin is only motivated by revenge. Revenge for Kanna, revenge for everything he's lost. His motivations went from 'cheat the death game, beat the odds. just survive, fuck everyone else' to 'revenge for Kanna, I don’t care if I die anymore, just as long as these people go down with me, how dare these people kill someone innocent' (how logical of him to throw his own survival....)
And finally Keiji- Keiji, like Kanna, went into the introduction scene already struggling with the death of a loved one, but he went into it knowing how to suppress his emotions way better. He, of course, lost Mr Policeman a while before the death game and is not a 14 yr kid who just lost her sister. Arguably, Keiji is one of the most, if not is the, most logical character in the game. He does a lot of cruel things for the sake of his, or someone he care's abouts’ survival - which is why he is able to vote for Kanna, or go behind Saras back for all the card trading in mg 2. Both cruel, but both helped him and Sara's chances of survival.
Keiji lost a kind part of himself after Mr. Policeman’s death. I'm not saying he’s evil, or cant feel emotions, but he is kind of .. empty. He’s been going through this death game motivated by his primal urge to survive. The only times his emotional side comes out is when his grief is pulled out and is used against him, like with Everything with Midori in 3A or all the gun discussions. Which due to the suppression of this grief and him not healing from Mr. Policeman’s death, it completely overwhelms and consumes him.
Joe, Kanna, and Mr.Policeman's deaths all communicated to the people that wanted to save them that they were Too Weak to save them. Something they did, or failed to do, caused their death. It is Sara/Shin/Keiji’s fault.
And now why Kanna's 'Kind Hallucinations' are amazing - she's the only character to willing to accept her weakness, and realize that she is surviving because the people before her saw her strength. Kanna knows she’s stuck in a death game and has little-to-no control over almost everything around her. But despite that, she stands up to characters like Midori in chapter three, not because of Shin or Kugie, but because she is strong; she is doing it for herself, and of course she has the world's best cheerleaders behind her, if only in spirit.
#i posted this on twt but i thought i should share here because it was fun to write#i was going through the wiki and saw this cg labeled smth like 'kanna and her kind hallucinations' and i was like REAL?#i remembered the cg but like . i thought shin and kugie were there for like artsy fartsy reasons#not that they were hallucinations r u kiddin me !!!!!#insanity#i used to do a lot of yttd analysis dunno if i posted them here or not but wth y not post this here#lemme know if u want more or analysis on specific characters or scenes because im insane#i used to be smart about these things but i took a year and a half break when i didnt know how to read but i am back#yttd#your turn to die#kimi ga shine#yttd analysis#your turn to die analysis#kanna kizuchi#shin tsukimi#kanna yttd#Sara Chidouin#keiji shinogi
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i was hoping to make a post like this under happier circumstances, but here goes.
as some of you know, everything with the cancellation and renewal campaign has happened right on top of the worst part of my mom's cancer treatment (plus the show was cancelled on my actual birthday 💀). i won't go into details, but it's been tough. lots of ups and downs, mostly downs, luckily ending (for now) on as much of an up as circumstances allow. the whole thing has been weirdly tied to the cancellation for me, kind of amplifying every feeling. the grief got mixed up, and there was so much of it - mourning the loss of the kind of future i thought i'd have with my mother and the time we might not get, mourning the end of a show that means so much to me and is such a big part of my life. different types of grief, sure, and of different magnitudes, but in one big ugly swirl. i sort of had a breakdown right at the start of february, and it was because of news about my mom, but it morphed into my brain telling me everything i'd ever written was shit and wanting to delete it all. stuff like that, spilling over.
anyway. i was holding off on writing this post to see if the show got picked up by someone else. but i still want to say it. because what also spilled over was the support and community from this fandom, and being in this space (despite the rough times and high emotions) helped me through it, because of all of you here. whether we talk regularly, or you left a comforting reply or simply a like on one of my posts about having a hard time (i tried to keep them few), or wrote a nice comment on a fic, or said something funny or nice or insightful in the tags of a gifset, or was active here (or on twt) in any way, talking/sharing/creating stuff about the show - THANK YOU.
you all helped me through all the ups and downs, and i am so grateful. thank you for being here, listening, distracting, helping me feel some joy despite the horrors. i love you and i love this incredible show and all it has brought and will continue to bring and inspire, and although it should go without saying, i'm not going anywhere. just do me a favor and give yourself a big ol' hug from me, and know that you made a difference for some random guy on the internet (but in reality for many more, and for this fandom as a whole, just by being here and being you) 💕
#🐭📓#oh wow this got long#i grieved so much in january and never truly got my hopes up even though i of course wished something would happen#that the second “cancellation” message did not hit me as hard as it did for others - like i'd already absorbed that reality#but no matter what. all the effort was worth it - even for just the slightest chance of renewal and showing the cast and crew all the love#and seeing the fandom rally and all the fun moments we found along the way in a shitty situation none of us wished to be in#and for the record - i don't think this means there is no possibility of anything happening in the future#i just think the current/immediate negotiations fell through due to the current streaming landscape#you never know what can happen even if nothing happens for years#it's just that it's not happening right now and we shouldn't be at the edge of our seats. but instead settle into long term fandom mode#instead of constant campaign mode. keep showing all our love for the show and letting it inspire us and move us#and keep supporting the cast and crew in their next works#there is so much more to come from the same creative minds#and i for one am looking forward to experiencing it with you all 💗#ok i will stop rambling now skdjfhdjks
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I already posted this on twt and bsky but I need to start cataloguing my thoughts here too kfhkhk
I'm trying to get through Jaheira-relevant subquests before I punt her back to camp with her buddies Minsc and Boo, and then I'll go ransack Cazador's place for horny VelliCazStar spice, BUT FIRST!! THE NINE-FINGERS KEENE CONFRONTATION IF YOU HAVE JAHEIRA WITH YOU...
There's history between these two that goes back years, but never actually comes up in BG3 itself in detail, and I wish it did because there is such a TENSION between them here... Like you can tell there is such a heavy weight of shared time together, for good or for ill. In the teasing way Keene calls Jaheira "grandmother," to the way she dances around outright saying she was worried for her, but...
One of the first things Keene says to Jaheira is that, after Jaheira ran off headfirst into likely death with her Harpers and everyone assumed she was dead, Keene made an offering of a gold coin to Kelemvor for her..... which I feel like says a lot given the kind of person Keene is, and how they're polar-opposites when it comes to morals, what they deem acceptable when it comes to "ends justifying the means."
And honestly Keene DOES sound miffed that Jaheira vanished without a word and left her feeling EMOTIONAL about this stubborn woman's apparent death? The "After Jaheira warned me- and then disappeared-" just screams "yeah not that I was worried or anything, you ASSHOLE," like the only other character so far I think talk like this to her are her own KIDS. So to me it just says something about their relationship, that Keene was so concerned about this woman who should be a reluctant ally at best.
This too: "if you actually cared for her as much as a friend should, you'd be telling her to think about her own life for once" are you implying that you see yourself as a better friend to Jaheira, Keene...
AND THEN JAHEIRA BREAKING OUT KEENE'S FIRST NAME, HER PRE-CRIMELORD NAME!!! dsjgjhjh And we know they met after Keene was already in the Guild, I can't remember if it's AFTER Keene came to control it but? It's well after her adopting her Nine-fingers Keene moniker for business, so where did Jaheira learn the Astele, and when did she start breaking it out in arguments where she desperately wants Keene to listen to her?
Also I just love that Keene is so insistent Jaheira takes a break. She can't talk her down from running headfirst into yet more peril, from feeling responsibility to always take on as much of a burden as she can, but she can at least try to wrangle the woman into even a short rest.
But also, when you talk to her while playing as Jaheira, and Keene says "Anything I can do to take that wrinkle from your brow?" am I the only one whose brain immediately fizzled out thinking how sexual it sounded... Not necessarily in tone, but just... the word choice... Yes, Jaheira, is there anything this equally-stubborn, needling younger woman with an ocean of respect for you can DO to help you unwind and loosen up....?👀
If they haven't fucked in the past I'll eat my hat.
Thank you for coming to my TL;DR rambling nonsensical Jaheira/Keene thoughts.
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ive taken the past few days to gather my mental bearings and try to properly formulate my thoughts. as a survivor of csa, i do not take these topics and criminal allegations lightly.
- starting with the two (2) threads that i wrote on twitter: writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I began writing on Twt, rather than just post on this blog, for a reason. It was separate from the the friends i’ve made on here. I’d be able to write things that about trauma that i’m too ashamed to admit. I could discuss topics that have been prevailing factors in my own real life without feeling worried about being shamed. I get that these are taboo topics (and for good reason), but I don’t know where the conclusion formed that just because i was discussing / consuming these topics through fiction, automatically meant that i was getting off on the idea of it happening in real life; especially compared to the possibility that maybe i was using it to cope.
Everybody has lines they’re not willing to cross. I get it; I have those too, believe it or not. for me— as a survivor, discussion of underaged content falls into the same category alongside of noncon, stepcest/incest and cannablism. None of which i support in real life yet all of which i have at some point consumed via fiction. Now obviously, these standards aren’t the same for everyone, but in my mind there is no difference. I would never accuse someone of being a r*pist if they wrote noncon. I would never claim that it’s dangerous for them to interact with women in their real lives.
People deal with trauma in different ways. When I first started to write dark content on my old blog, i dipped my feet into dubcon. I didn’t care much for it. But then in the months following, i was SA’ed by my best friend. I then began to write graphic noncon. And i felt a bit better— a bit more in control. I was now choosing when and where i was viewing and consuming fiction with these topics, rather than when i had something i did not want forced onto me.
It’s taken me a long time to begin to process certain things that took place in my childhood. Having to process something, that happened more than a decade ago, entirely alone with zero support from anyone i know is difficult. I found a way to help myself cope. My methods may have been unsavory and uncomfortable for people, but not to the extent of graphically telling me how to k*ll myself in my inbox. Yes, I did write and consume underaged fiction in order to cope with my personal trauma. I fully own up to that. At the end of the day, fiction is just fiction.
Concerning the ‘expose’ post, the OP also claims that this was not to start a witchhunt, just to shed light to the situation; all the while, they were in my inbox telling me to kill myself before even making a post. Alright. People have had no issues calling me the f slur, making transphobic remarks/purposely misgendering me, and of course, graphically telling me how i should end my life. They’ve sent hundreds of asks claiming they care about the situation, when in my opinion—which might not mean much, no matter how you feel about me, if you resort to threatening, hate mobbing and threatening me irl, you are not handling things in the right way either.
In regards to the minor in my following list, i don’t know who she was or if her pinned post had changed. when i read the expose post i immediately unfollowed her and checked to be met with the fact that she didn’t follow me and we had shared a total of zero messages between the two of us. I am unsure if her pinned post changed or if I had foolishly followed her without checking to a full extent. Either way, we had no interactions. That might sound like a copout but unfortunately, i have no other commentary i can share on the matter.
at the end of it all, i can only control my own boundaries. i tag everything accordingly and that is the most i can do. drawing and fictional pieces cannot be considered cp.
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Babes. I really appreciate all the asks about Daughter of Fire! It makes me happy to see that people love it as much as I do, I just gotta ask something of y’all. Please leave a review before sending an ask here! I noticed a lot of you don’t do that (not to mention the anon asks that I can’t possibly know if they did comment or not) and I just wanna explain a bit why it matters. I don’t know if u guys have been around here for as long as I have but the fandom culture changed a lot over the years, not all of it for the better. Five, ten years ago, it used to be the norm to comment on almost every single fic you read, in every chapter. There used to be discussions in the comment section, readers answering readers and sparking conversation… just genuinely a lot more interaction than nowadays. I’ve mentioned this before but I felt like writing another post about it.
Please notice that I’m not saying “don’t ever send me an ask about DoF again” or “you should be giving me comments NOW!!!”. I’ve just been scrolling through my endless unanswered asks and noticed that there were a lot like those I mentioned.
Now, I know sometimes it’s hard to send a review. I, myself, sometimes get so anxious just by the thought of writing a comment that I just don’t even read the fic/chapter. But notice how this is aimed towards the people who already took the time off their day to sit down on Tumblr and send me an ask. It would take the same amount of time to drop a review! And you can even do it anonymously too!
Anyways, this isn’t a complaint, I’m just always a bit sad to see that this is the way we led fandom culture? I know it might seem a bit disingenuous to be saying that when DoF has the reach it has but keep in mind that I also write other fics and most of them only get a little bit of engagement. It’s honestly disheartening because while I don’t write fanfiction for the comments, I do share it for them. I could just write them and satisfy that need and keep it to myself, never putting myself out there so others might judge me but I do because I love the fanfiction community and I love interacting with it.
I also noticed that authors who don’t have their social media linked tend to have more engagement in the comment section and that’s kinda what this post is about. Although we don’t comment as much as we did back in the days, it’s still the way some people choose to give fics their time of day, they see if there’s a lot of hits/kudos/comments before even giving it a try. So it does matter in a way that the engagement gets through other media only like some of the asks here! I’m not saying stop interacting with me here and keep only to the comment section, even because I chose to link all my social media because I love interacting w y’all in a deeper level here and on twt and other platforms but like. If you do choose to reach out to me, don’t forget to leave a review!
As I’m writing this I’m already regretting it lmao I don’t want to seem ungrateful and nitpicky but in the end I’m forcing myself to post this because it might spark some conversation and I do know a lot of authors feel like I do. We’re seeing how much writing isn’t being valued in our society and that’s kind of the same in fandom culture imo and I dunno. What do y’all think?
Love u to bits and I’ll see you soon 🖤
Oh, btw! Regarding the next DoF update!!! I can’t, and really it’s more like I don’t want to, give you guys a precise date. I struggled for quite some time with feeling like DoF was a chore, a job I had to keep up otherwise I would let everyone down and that (and some other stuff) led me to the biggest writer’s block I’ve ever had in my life. I’m just now trying to reconnect with that part of me that loves writing and finds actual enjoyment in tackling this huge and complex fic (and any and all writing tbh), so I don’t want to slip back into that same pattern I had before. I don’t like the term hiatus for fanfiction because it gives me this notion that the author is obligated to go back to the fic when in fact they’re not (unless the fic has a set update schedule and the author is letting u know when they’ll be back). No one is getting paid for this and most of us study and work full time jobs before coming and sharing something that can be really personal with strangers on the internet. If an author wants to drop their fic and never come back to fandom life than that’s their prerogative. We as fanfic readers kinda sign that unwritten contract that when we start reading an unfinished fic we might never get to see the end of it. However, I like the term hiatus because it illustrates my point with this which is: I’m not done with Daughter of Fire. I just don’t know when I’ll update next. Rest assured that if I ever decided to let it go, I would let everyone know. I would release all the chapters I have written, I would give y’all all of my notes and unfinished drafts and lone scenes, I would give you the document where I tell you step by step what would happen until the very end of the fic (and the sequel I have planed for it 👀). And I would also leave it open to anyone who wants to continue it to pick it up and give it a try. As it stands, I’m nowhere near done with Daughter of Fire 🖤
#daughter of fire#dof#kakasaku#fandom#fandom life#fandom culture#fanfic culture#fanfic#fanfiction#just me being silly#and talking mostly at myself lol#i love y’all
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twitter bylers consume all our analysis, but bully us to pass as good/non-crazy bylers.
other day they were making fun and spreading false rumors about kendra, even though they share her analysis all the time without knowing it's hers, since she changed username....... lol
REAL!!!! Smh all byler twitter users know is mcdonalds, charge they phone, eat hot chip, steal analysis, and lie. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄😬😬
Like there’s that one big byler twt acct that drives me a little Insane because they take tumblr analysis (and specifically theyve taken my analysis multiple times), type it into a tweet as if they came up with it, and then stick the credit in the replies. They don’t add a single original thought to it. Which, while I do appreciate the credit in the replies, the way they do it makes it seem like the tweet is 100% their original thought and you can tell that its intentionally worded that way and it’s just. Frustrating. Like damn at least add SOME extra input or something instead of just taking what I wrote and pretending you did it.
And then all the comments are “wE nEeD tO gEt yOu iN tHe wRiTeRs RoOm” and im like…. Why? So that they can sit in the writers room and copy paste more tumblr posts and pretend they thought of them?
And exactly, I’m not a fan of Kendra after some fallout between her and I on here, but the posts about her on twt are bullshit. Like if youre gonna shittalk someone at least do it for genuine reasons instead of making shit up.
I will say, though, it is a LITTLE funny to see people calling kendra’s analysis production errors/saying she’s looking too far into it after she did the exact same thing to me.
And it’s also funny to see people talking about how Kendra should be humbler after Kendra made those condescending posts telling people (including me) to humble themselves.
Like obviously twitter is wrong and these choices ARE intentional/it IS that deep/not production errors & they shouldnt be bullying kendra but also… you reap what you sow. if youre gonna mock people for being confident in their analysis & for looking deep into things, then its gonna be funny when the same thing happens to you. Like damn kendra have fun being on the other side of the production error allegations 🫡🫡🫡
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missing your live reaction thread of Between Us on twt...
Thank you, Anon, sincerely. That really means a lot to me.
So, I erased Twitter off my phone a few days ago. I haven’t opened it on my computer since Thursday, I think? I don’t know when I’ll open it again. I think I need time away from it.
Nothing in particular happened. I’ve just been really unmotivated and discouraged by fic engagement in the last six months or so, and I never used to value that kind of thing, so I wondered if the amount of time I was spending on Twitter could be related. Sure enough, since I stopped opening the app, the urge to “compete” and the obsession with numbers and kudos and comments has been diminishing rapidly. I think I was spending too much time on Twitter and depending on it for serotonin boosts instead of dealing with general life stress in a more constructive way.
I felt really guilty about not continuing my live reaction thread. I’m doing it for myself as well as to connect with the fandom, to have a memory of this first experience, but having just sat on the sofa and watched it on TV without pausing to take screenshots on my computer was really, really nice. I’ve needed to take a step back, and I think Twitter’s fast-paced system has been consuming too much of how I measure my self-worth.
Writing WinTeam fic has been the greatest joy of the past nearly three years, and over the past month, I’ve started and discarded about ten fics because “what if they don’t get the same or higher amount of kudos as the last”. I can’t think like that or the joy of it will die, and I don’t want to think of this as a competition. Twitter’s algorithm-based system just…makes me feel competitive, and that bled over into AO3, too.
I wasn’t sure if I should say anything, and I don’t like making “I’m leaving/taking a break/hiatus” posts. I wasn’t planning on doing it. I just woke up and thought, “Maybe I should see if I feel differently if I don’t open it all day,” and then it continued until today, and I don’t really want to open it at the moment.
I’m honestly a lot happier here for the time being. I like the longer posts, I like talking about WinTeam, and I like not feeling the need to chase likes and retweets. I just want to vibe and have organic ideas come to me for WinTeam fics and to write them and share them without worrying about how many people will leave kudos or comments. I don’t know if Twitter was the culprit for all of that, but I do feel a lot calmer and more like myself right now than I have in a long time.
When I rewatch episode five next, I’ll make a li’l document of my reactions and upload them whenever I open Twitter next.
Once I feel less anxious and, like, scattered? then I’ll probably open it again.
Thank you again, Anon. This was definitely more than you were expecting, I’m sure. It makes me smile that someone missed the thread. :’)
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ABYSSAL LOVE ☆ ROUGH DRAFTS
these are the things that never saw the light of the day didn't made it in the story's final line-up. contains major spoilers !! also this is vv cringe and this is just me rambling
let's start off easy. they were originally supposed to be in highschool because i wanted scaramouche to be that 16 he/him typa guy on twt but i scratched that idea because it's stupid.
friend groups: ever wonder why y/n's friend group was named "explosive hoes"? that's because yoimiya (yoimiya, hu tao, and xiangling were all pyro characters so... ygwim??) was supposed to be included in their friend group but it was already big enough so i... kicked her out :((
the main conflict was supposed to be the miscommunication trope but i actually hate miscommunication and couldn't bear to write it (although, i will be doing that for my next smau/s) so i settled for the one you've read
scara and y/n were supposed to date then break up bc of a certain miscommunication/misunderstanding (i already considered the fatui high prob at that time but still) but i wasn't sure on how to execute it properly.
second lead — top contender *drum rolls* A L B E D O. i considered it, yk, i considered it but i scratched that idea because NOT EVERY FANFIC NEEDS A SECOND LEAD ig AND I'M GOING TO BE GIVING A CERTAIN CHARACTER THE SECOND LEAD SYNDROME IN MY KAZUHA SMAU (no, it's not albedo) but actually, its bc albedo was supposed to comfort y/n after the breakup with scara (yuck cringe ik) but i wanted the conflict to focus between scara and yn only so . . the idea was t r a s h e d
“WHAT WAS THAT AETHER X KAZUHA AND WHY DIDN'T THEY END UP TOGETHER?” ok, first of all, that was a last minute addition. i didn't made them end up together J U S T B E C A U S E. ok?? ok
the party childe held was also a last minute addition but i'm glad i wrote that lmao
also... have i ever mentioned that i didn't really thought of a title and i was playing spiral abyss atm so i thought, " why not a b y s s a l l o v e " yeah im p much stupid lol
i didn't even thought of this smau at all like ?? hellaur i don't even know how i finished this. but dw, i'm will be planning my next(?) smau veryyyy well because i will be hurting all of you with my kazuha smau.
i think that's all? not much rlly. here are my notes when writing abyssal love and yes they are very messy but i thought i should share them with all of you !
also dyk that i didn't even plot this shit because i didn't bother but like i said i'll do better on my next one mwa
after rereading my notes i am now shy and embarrassed but i will still post them here so i can delete them already. 🤩 also don't mind the small details like, "the sun rose" etc etc because that's just one of my way to piss myself of then actually write 'em properly Σ(Ｔ▽Ｔ;)
i never bothered updating the gdocs bc i was too lazy. and, i deleted some of my notes for the chapter outlines already because i might run out of storage :') yes i use very small fonts . . sorry
warnings: c r i n g e , the words "idk", "ok", and "listen" were used A LOT. i also forgot to remove the thingy that crosses them out whoops
#◇ーsmau: abyssal love#🧪ー calx's experiments#i sAiD tOo mUCh...#pls ignore my stupid ugly messy notes 🙏
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found a thread made by a japanese mlm about the fujoshi label, in response to a tweet that's now deleted. thought it provided some insight so i'm gonna share it anyway. thread was originally from twitter on august 3 2020. he also linked resources in the thread as well as a poll from JP twt about if they should keep the label or not, which i didn't include here but you can find by accessing the post source.
obvs disclaimer, communities are not a monolith and one person isn't the end all be all of a discussion, but i think we should consider and listen to what he says anyway. especially if we're not from japan. op uses he/they according to their twitter bio.
@/matchamallow from twitter: "As a japanese mlm... Please don't spread more misinformation about the word fujoshi. 😅 It's simply a woman who likes BL. It's also a reclaimed word in Japan so making it a bad word again is not nice. Plus BL is very important to LGBT movement in Japan."
@/bokutosbooty replies: "I’m sorry!! i didn’t mean to start fujoshi discourse or try to change its meaning. It’s just that in the west i’ve been seeing a LOT of western mlm be uncomfortable w the term bc of its negative implications and associations set by those who fetishize mlm."
@/matchamallow replies: "Don't worry! And yes I know many self proclaimed fujoshi in the west behave very poorly. I think we should fight the behaviour and not the word, you know? Because of course I don't agree with how they act, but I also dislike seeing a word from my culture with so much history be associated with that. I don't blame anyone for conflating the two! I'm just trying to show resources so we can fight misinformation and bad behaviour together without demonizing a word."
@/bokutosbooty: "yes!! THANK YOU for leaving your thread and pointing out the real problem of fighting the behavior rather than fighting the word!! it saddens me to see fujoshi has such a negative undertone in the west bc thats very disrespectful to japanese otaku who have reclaimed the term"
@/matchamallow: "Yes, that's why I think we should recognize its origins and context. There's nothing inherently wrong with being or calling yourself a fujoshi - the wrong thing is being disrespectful to real people. We should strive to educate them and clear up the meaning of fujoshi."
@/matchamallow: "Again I don't blame anyone for being uncomfortable with the word or disliking some of their behaviour. That's very understandable. I just want to clear up misunderstandings how I can and focus more on the behaviour, not the word. And thank you for listening!!"
@/bokutosbooty: "thank you for sharing your information!! hopefully all of the fujoshi discourse ends and the focus solely on fixing bad behaviors as we both stated!! pls take care and have a good day!!"
#keeping reblogs open so hopefully more people can see this#op is very understanding about people's discomfort about the word—#—but i think what they say about fighting the behaviour more than the label is very important#especially since it's a label that has much history in japan and has been appropriated by the west.#i think westerners especially owe it to listen to japanese LGBT+ about this#anyway i'm not tagging this with anything#i just wanted to share it bc i know i probably have a lot of mutuals who don't like the fujoshi label#this isn't to change your mind or anything it's just to keep its history and context in JP in your mind#it pays to look at things from non westerners within the perspective of the culture they came from#op
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Honestly, originally I wasn't going to bring up the convo about what's going on drag twitter & that specific part of Denali's GITMS ep because I wasn't bother/affected by it and I'm not one of the blogs on here that has those types of discussion much.
But I did get anons about it and chose not to ignore them because I know I'm known here as that obnoxious nali stan and didn't want it to seem like I have a bias for my fave. Had it been another queen's story I would've felt the same about the whole thing tbh.
I'm also aware that maybe I shouldn't have opened up that can of worms. But anyway, there's maybe 2-4 people that engaged with it/sent me stuff and I sorta wanted to wrap all my thoughts up before I continue posting and reblogging like normal.
I had 2 more anons by the time I woke up, none hostile or mean, which I appreciate!
One of them provided the deleted tweet along with 2 responses and quote tweets from other people which I do agree with. The other was speaking about their own personal thoughts on the whole situation as someone who struggles with substance abuse and doesn't think Denali intended to stir the pot but could've worded it better when it comes to twt, which I agree with too.
Additionally, one of my mutuals responded to one of the asks I posted last night which could be read a few posts down. They speak as someone who works in the nightclub business.
I do want to thank those two that shared their input and felt comfortable enough to talk about their experience or past with substance abuse. Congrats on your guys' recovery!
Overall, I think that this discussion isn't all black and white the way some people make it seem. There's many points to be made on both sides but I think especially on social media its hard to have a discussion like that because people are quick to jump on each other.
I don't think there should be such a stigma or shaming on either sides, but unfortunately there is. I'm going to quote Fallon (fall0nxx on twt) response because I really liked the way they had articulated it and think it's the perf way to wrap this post up, "I think people who do certain things + people who don't should just respect one another's decisions without imposing their stances on one another. As well as understand that people have boundaries when it comes to certain substances."
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the hongmullet needs to come back seriously 😭 mullets and wolf cuts became popular so i guess that's the reason lots of newer fans love it! as they should. hongjoong the trendesetter, lol.
twt is a cesspool so i barely used it nowadays, can't say shit on there without people twisting your words. i would say that there's a thin line and many people masquerade themselves as heavily biased, but they're in fact solo stans, i met a few and they definitely lack self-awareness. i think it's fine to be a solo FAN, but a STAN is too much. there are a few idols i really like, but unfortunately their group don't interest me, so i'm a fan, but not a hardcore one.
honestly you're not the only one who exclusively/primarly writes for specific member(s), and it's okay. i also noticed less and less people take requests, cause it can be overwhelming. awww, the numbers can be a lot, but you deserve them! i noticed you don't talk a lot about yourself which is okay, but i'm glad this account opened you up a bit so you could meet some nice people.
omg, you've already posted the christmas fic! and excuse me not hwa jerking off in someone's house with the door ajar, and stealing a dress huh? 😳 man violated that piece of clothing lol! anyways i thought it would be a one shot, so i'm pleasantly surprised and looking forward to the next part
i'd die if hj brought back the mullet but he doesn't seem to revisit hairstyles so i think the chances are pretty low. and for my own mental health, i kinda hope seonghwa doesn't ever dye his hair red again because he had red hair for like ten seconds and i ended up writing addicting kitten cuz of it and my life still hasn't known peace lol. i associate hwa's red hair with that fic so much that i've never written another fic where he has red hair lmao.
i have a lot of friends on twitter so i use it to talk to them/shitpost with them but i don't use it nearly as much as i used to because it's just a total drain. it's funny cuz now i prefer tumblr over any other social media site because it feels the most laid back. on twitter, its just like you can't say even the most normal shit without pissing someone off. did you see that tweet where a woman just shared her joy at drinking coffee every morning with her husband and got a ton of hate tweets sent her way? like wtf.
i don't take requests cuz i never have a lack of ideas, my problem is i simply have TOO many ideas and not enough time for them all. i also used to freelance write for a long time and had to write what other ppl wanted so fics were a way to write whatever i wanted in a relaxing manner and i just stuck with that. (i stopped freelancing cuz it was a lot of work for shitty pay.)
yeah, i struggle a lot with talking about myself in general and on this account in particular i am aware 99 percent of people follow it just for my smut fics, not because they have any interest in the person actually writing them (which is absolutely fine). i've had some people curious about who is writing these fics and have reached out to me and i've made close friends through their efforts. i also worry if too much of myself is shown, it might interfere with reading the fics. (for ex if i listed off my influences, dived into why i wrote something in a scene a certain way, etc, then the reader might have that in mind when they read something from me and it might cloud the story so i try not to state any of those things unless someone asks directly.)
the christmas fic was entirely supposed to be a one shot. i told myself after arrow to take a break with multi chapter fics for my own sake but of course i ended up with multiple smut scenes for this idea and simply must write them all and now here we are with a three part fic lol sigh. that's how it always goes with hwa.
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Just a little complaint about "rescoring" and "rejudging"
Feel free to disagree...
Everytime I stumble upon new "rescoring" or new "analysis" from a certain department of fans of the Beijing scores...I am at a loss...because I think rescoring or analysis barring any major bias is impossible at this stage. The competitions happened - months ago even - the circumstances of the judging (namely a program just happens before your eyes, you saw everyone not only the couple chosen ones to rescore and not knowing what placement would happen is simply never to be undone) and there are always multiple judges on each panel, so one person doing a rescore is just making no sense as not one person only decides the places in the end. Also at this point there have been so many different opinions and rescores of the matter that you cannot be not influenced by it at all depending on whose fan analysis or rescores you read.
All those "results" that appear just now are just from fans and even if you are a trained judge the things listed above still play a part.
This is not to say that looking at the scoring and possible changes in placements makes no sense or shouldn't be done, because sure it should be done because you can learn and reevaluate the things that happened (btw I am the first to say scores should be open to be revalued at the competition directly (like in artistic/rhythmic gymnastics where inquiries can be done about scores)), but my feeling is that "rescoring" is only then at play when ppl assume the "wrong" skater gets the medals. It's not free of bias, it's not free of favoritism and in the end it doesn't change anything at all.
I am not saying at all judges are always right - there happen lot of questionable things - BUT in the end the situation of the competition cannot be returned. And thus I think analyzing is fine if it's done for the WHOLE competition, but rescoring is so dependent on personal bias of the person "rescoring ", it just cannot be seen as "proof" for different results. So pls take any "rescoring" you see with a big chunk of salt (remember this supposedly certified ISU judge on Twt which tweet got a lot of attention? It turned out to be just a big Yuzu fan account known for hating on other skaters who lied about being a judge)
And lastly everyone is free to be displeased at results or see things differently, we can always discuss about it, but don't disrespect the skaters who earned the medals, because your opinion isn't the only valid one and in skating I have yet to see a day where everyone judges and all viewers, fans etc. have the exact same result for any competition. I also share my opinion on scoring but I don't think that my opinion is of more value than those of others.
....
Why am I writing this? Well...after months and months after Beijing I am tired of the ppl nullifying the results as some unfair scandal as like in 2002 Salt Lake City, because it's not scandalous. Are there different opinions on the results, yes totally, but a big fat scandal? No.
Look I love Yuzu with all my heart, but even as his fan you have to admit that Nathan had the better competition and fairly won the Gold.
Btw same goes for the stupid discussion that somehow started about Sochi 2014 and Yuzu's Gold medal. Same goes there. Devaluing Yuzu's Gold medal in Sochi is the same bs as devaluing Nathan's in Beijing.
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Btw I am not in for restarting a discussion about it here on Tumblr I just needed my thoughts to be shared somewhere
And I have already posted a lengthy analysis myself about the men competition at Beijing 2022 BUT without rescoring.
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This was in my drafts for a while but well I just post it now...don't expect me to answer any questions about it I am seldomly checking my blog atm
#figure skating#yuzuru hanyu#nathan chen#beijing 2022#scoring discourse#I also kinda never agree with Yuzu's scores and ofc i would have loved yuzu to win#But in Beijing I think the results are ok#I don't like them either but it is what it is#personal#personal rant
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(reposting bc the last one got messed up)
part 1 of some precanon changelily thoughts which i will try my best 2 explain under the cut
so basically copy-pasting what i said on twitter: (this isnt any kind of theory this is just headcanon stuff that spiraled into a whole thing i spent way too much time thinking about)
also everyone should read this thread from mr damato about travis and margaret and fate and luminaries first its rly tasty and i pulled a lot from it (not gonna link it bc tumblr will eat the whole post but heres the first twt in case yall wanna search for it which u should)
and! this isnt necessarily taken directly from characterizations in the show as much as it is like, stuff i thought would be a fun precursor to the versions of them we have now
with what we know abt margarets view of fate as duty and travises view of it as loss of agency its fun 2 think the first time their story played out as margaret trying to live up to a kind of protagonist heroism and travis sorta stuck in the role of distressed love interest. we also know they both knew the changelings tale and were probably kind of aware of their own role in some iteration of it, but i think travis was genre savvy in a “i can understand the story conventions at play here and use them to my advantage” way and margaret was narrative aware like this
more on the travis thing. a lot of his Deal has to do with a sense of narrative, cosmic powerlessness that he flips between broodingly resigning himself to, lashing out against by being impulsive and self destructive, and playing up around others when its useful
in the gencon eps he says since starfall hes gotten by getting people to help him out by lying and making up tragic backstories for himself but we learn in ngoni hes never even tried to learn anything abt his whole changeling situation. he’ll seek help from people but not for himself AS himself, only as whatever pitiable but charming role hes inhabiting at any given time because vulnerability sucks so much ass!!! and its easier and also very much safer to accept shelter from people while keeping them at arms length by making them think youre something youre not so you can cut when they stop being useful
so idk knowing even before margaret entered the picture he was always kinda Like That i have a hard time imagining hed just like, get a crush on some rando in the woods. also i think romances based in several layers of artifice and performance that accidentally develop something genuine are fun
and like, if morningstar saw enough in him as a child to decide he shouldve gotten sent to the shadow realm, we like 2 joke abt travis being the Worst Guy but in addition to puppeting the captains body around and rigging the crew vote what else is on the heavier side of the spectrum of shitty things he could do? find some kind snake-pitying mortal and use her willingness to help him and their shared knowledge of story conventions to pull her into a doomed fable just to spite tfq and test the limits of his own power as a/the Changeling? idk maybe. i think it was to orimar that travis said when youre alive for so long you have to make little games to keep yourself sharp
so at least at first he doesnt seek margarets help against tfq as himself, he does it as The Changeling, or as Tam Lin, or as William the mythological archetype, as someone who can be saved by The Maiden and play a part in her story to make her feel important and useful because he knows thats what she wants. like ig in a way trying to kickstart your own insisting-on-itself luminary myth in such a way that you can keep a certain level of self awareness and control over it. learning the rules to break them and all that
but genre savvy and wont save you!! you changeling in the game you changeling in real life!!!! and now youre in love love with the mark of your con because unfortunately part of her whole thing is being very easy to fall in love with
but then like. what if she only cares about you for the image of yourself youve tailored to her lure her into helping you? isnt that what you wanted? what if she realizes your deception and leaves? what if she doesnt and dies here?
and theres a bitterness with someone taking for granted freedoms you dont have, throwing them away to be with you and for what? because she pities you? because she thinks she can save you? because doing so would serve her own self image? how dare she. pictures unrelated (im sorry women specifically crane wives mabel podcast and mitski for taking contextless bits for scraps to apply to little podcast guys)
so where does the tragic changeling performance as an emotional manipulation tactic end and the genuine cry for help self-justified as a narrative 4d chess power play begin? idk
will get more into my thoughts abt margarets whole deal later but i have finals this week so that might not happen for a minute egehge
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Guessing NCT's rising signs: Huang Renjun as a Cancer rising
Welcome to my first post where I write all about why I think this idol is X rising sign! I don't know how many of these I'll do because it heavily depends on how confident I feel in my guess of their rising lol for Renjun's rising sign, it's something I've been sitting on for a loooong time just to see if anything else comes into my head. At the end of the day we really have no way to know for sure, even if the idols gives us their birth time it still has to be taken with a grain of salt! But it’s still fun theorize and to test your skills while learning at the same time. So for now I feel pretty confident sharing my thoughts on Renjun as a cancer rising.
Let’s ✨explore✨ why:
*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧long post! *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
✦ Before I even decided to look up his chart layout, there were 2 characteristics of Renjun that initially led me to think he’s a Cancer rising. His eyes and his physique. His eyes aren’t necessarily as big as idols we’ve seen with moon in 1st, but they’re still very notable features of his physical appearance that he’s very well known for. They’re bigger, soft and dreamy, and sometimes look like he quite literally holds stars in his eyes. The biggest physical feature though is his, well, petite frame. Next to his eyes, renjun is also really well know for his smaller build. It’s even a well known inside joke amongst NCT, they all him “big shoulders renjun” (lol) because “for a guy” his shoulders a on the smaller side. Both of these physical attributes can also be identifying characteristics of cancer risings.
✦ So, in general I think he is a Cancer rising. But if we want to be more specific; I do think he is a 3rd decan Cancer rising which is the Pisces/Neptune ruled decan. I initially chose this because his house and planet placements just make so much more sense to me when the rising is in the 3rd decan (I'll get into that below), but after reading about the 3rd decan I also think it fits his personality really well! With the Neptune and Pisces influence, he's more on the open side of Cancer rising but more notably, 3rd decans are a lot more inclined to art/creativity and sometimes, music specifically. These people also have a very dreamy attraction about them. He also has his Venus trine ASC which can further add to this kind of creative vibe he gives off, but is also drawn to! It emphasizes the importance of aesthetics, art and creativity in his life. If you've never been on Renjun stan twt then you might not know that a lot of his fans see him as this incredibly dreamy and ethereal boy (as they should) and I can see why!
*:･ﾟ✧house and planet placements *:･ﾟ✧
Scorpio moon, Sagittarius Pluto in 5th:
✦ yea... just yes. Okay but actually, if you read my NCT Dream Hexaco x Birth Chart analyses, I talked a lot about his chart already because I really like it. As someone with a Scorpio moon, I can't help but be really interested in how his plays out. And I have to say, I am quite attached to this theory because I think his scorpio moon in 5th just. makes. sense. I'm not going to go much into the descriptions of the placements, I'm mostly going to stick to the house influence. We know that Scorpio moons have really intense emotions, they internalize everything and are just highly sensitive people to their environments. Renjun has been incredibly open about his mental and emotional struggles ever since being a kid. I've honestly never heard an idol talk about their struggle like he has. He even opened up recently about how a few years ago he had an art therapist that really helped him and lowkey changed his life. I feel like a lot of this can be reflected in his 5th house. The house of creativity, expression, creation. His 5th cusp is also in Scorpio. 5th house in water tend to be really drawn to arts and music. Having a Scorpio moon, a moon sign that can be quite guarded, in a fire house can also explain his readiness/openness to share his emotions and art. Also let's not forget his chart ruler is his Scorpio moon in 5th! What I've wrote above are big themes in his life, which we've seen.
✦ As for the Pluto in 5th. Because his 5th house is in Scorpio this would mean the 5th ruler is in 5th. I know it might not make sense at first because it's pluto and pluto is misunderstood. But it makes perfect sense to me. Pluto in 5th is a deeply passionate and creative placement. It bring so much energy to this house, and can even create a borderline obsession with themes of this house. With creating and expressing. But I could also see having this and his scorpio moon in this house bringing so much energy, it just kind of adds to the confusion and intensity of a scorpio moons emotions and processing abilities, like, emotionally overwhelming. Scorpio moons always need an outlet and they usually figure that out the hard way at some point in life. The outlet can vary based off the chart, his is without a doubt connected to his art; whatever that may be to him.
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Aquarius Uranus in 8th:
✦ This part is brief because it's more of like, additional details to what's already in his chart. Something that is really well known about Renjun too is how much he is into space and aliens and stuff like that. He, once again, has been very open about it lol on variety shows I've seen him light up every time its briefly mentioned and he'll comment on how much he finds that stuff interesting. The 8th house is weird, it can manifest in a lot of different ways. The biggest point here for me is that the house is in Aquarius with Uranus here. I know someone with this placement too and, while they're open minded to astrology and tarot etc. it's a bit more focused on logic. I can't say for sure because I don't know him, but he kind of strikes me as the kind of person that would fight to death over aliens existing, but draws the line at astrology lol. I actually do think he would be open to astrology and tarot, but he'd need the right introduction to it. Anyways, yea this placement to me explains a lot of his interest in space and things we don't understand. He's expressed his curiosity in it. I think a lot of this is coming from his Scorpio moon and Pisces mercury/venus which is why I think it's just additional support.
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Pisces Mercury/Venus in 9th:
✦ THIS HOUSE right here... so much to say. Firstly, Pisces in 9th is probably one of the main culprits for his creativity, deep thinking and curiosity in the world. And more importantly: his imagination. I've mentioned this a lot when I talk about renjun but, he's very well known for his creativity, but I want to make it clear that there is a distinction between creation and imagination. His imagination is truly... on another level. Well, planet actually since it's pisces! Again, amongst fans it's really well known his imagination is just so unqiue. This is less about the 9th house and more about the fact that he has 2 pisces placements but it still affects it lol. He's very open about his imagination and speaks about it so naturally. He shared his drawing of a bird, hybrid, thing? and how it's an animal that steals your dreams in your sleep. Anyways, Pisces in 9th aren't necessarily the travelers we'd see with an air or fire sign here, but they like to travel mentally. He's also talked about how he's just in general a very curious person and you can tell his thoughts probably travel far and wide in his down time.
✦ What's really interesting to me about this house is his mercury is here and Mercury in 9th is a very specific kind of placement. It almost always guarantees an interest and talent in learning languages. I don't know if languages are necessarily a passion for him but he definitely is interested and cares about learning language and other cultures. He also did pick up on Korean and English with ease. Which also reminds me that, he actually was exposed to Korean at a young age because I'm pretty sure he went to a bilingual school (chinese and korean). This is also a big deal to me because planets in 9th, especially sun/mercury often indicate very early exposure to languages or other cultures... so yea that checks out. This can also be proved by looking at his IC in Virgo, which puts the ruler in 9th. His mercury is also sextile Jupiter. I also wanna comment that he has his Mercury in the 5th degree, I'm not great at degree theory yet but that feels significant to me. Of course we cannot forget his absolutely angelic voice. Renjun is also very well known for his stunning vocals. Not only are Pisces placements musically inclined but Pisces mercury are known for their sweet voices.
✦ As for the venus is 9th, I feel like I have more to say on his venus being in Pisces because that's where so much of his artistic creativity and imagination come from. But venus here adds to a lot of what I've written above, adding to his curiosity of the world. What I find most interesting about venus in 9th though, is it brings another inclination to art! He might really like art from different places in the world, or just exploring all types of art being very open minded to its different forms etc. Venus here also brings ease to language learning, and these people will naturally have other cultures and people from them as a big part of their life. I feel like, in general it's not surprising at all to me that as a foreign member (being from China), that he would have 9th house influence! It can often manifest as like.., travel, other languages, cultures and parts of the world etc. are just very naturally a part of their life. Some people never really contemplate life overseas or in another country. But for 9th housers, it's never not been an option. His 9th house influence can also make him a great teacher, mentor and just overall supportive person. We've seen some of this in the content he's made with NCT. Like trying to teach his members chinese with Chenle, except he was taking it way more seriously lol but was so supportive. He's also tried to get Jeno and Jisung involved in his art making, but keeping the process very open and fun.
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Aries sun, Taurus mars in 10th:
✦ This is the last part I'm going to cover because it is really just the icing on the cake to finish this up. The 10th house is considered pretty important when looking at celebrities/idols because it's very likely a lot of what we see from them is their 10th house influence. In the chart model I'm using for Renjun, it puts his MC in the very last degrees of Pisces, so there's a chance it's in Aries but either way with his sun and mars here they are still playing a big role. So for that reason, I'm opting for Pisces MC. I also think Pisces MC fits though because first it puts the ruler in his 7th house. Meaning he could really benefit and work well in something that involves a group! Because it's Pisces in Neptune, it also adds to his very ethereal vibe and how people just seem to love him wherever he goes. He's very magnetic and can come off as artistic and sensitive. He's known for being dreamy, unreal, artistic, sensitive.
✦ Again, we know he has an aries sun and taurus mars so I'm not going to explain them here, just how they affect the house, but having his these here makes so much sense to me too. Having planets in 10th also influences what kind of "vibe" people get from you, and what you're "known" for. Mars and Sun bring similar energy of being well known for for energy, drive, and even stage presence. Not being afraid to be on stage, being good with attention and spotlight. He's known for his kind of playful and childish behavior at times. He is charismatic, bold, brave, happy and upbeat. With the sun, he is again known for his creativity and creations and also self-expression.
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Thank you to anyone who read all this. I don't really expect many people to because I'm mostly writing this for my own curiosity and to finally just put this theory out there! Anyways, stan Renjun best boy <33
Thoughts and feedback are always welcome <3
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#tldr I love renjun#the way this is a whole essay and took hours to write#but there’s literally nothing else I’d rather spend my time doing#it’s my time I decide how to waste it lmao#NCT#kpop astrology#NCT astrology#NCT rising#astrology#zodiac signs#kpop#NCT dream#huang renjun#renjun#NCT 127
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Another twt threadfic import!
Wangxian, 9k, post-CQL getting together
Explicit, No Warnings
POV switches wildly at will, and LWJ gets drunk but nothing happens at that point! Proceed for humor, tension, sweetness, and spice.
Anybody else think about what would happen if post-CQL, pre-relationship wangxian were traveling and Lan Do-Not-Indulge-In-Pleasure Wangji walked in on his very good friend Wei Wuxian...
...Indulging In Pleasure?
First, he would Run. Door slammed shut. Possibly colliding with a few walls while he tries to figure out how to Get Away to Meditate Immediately.
Wei Wuxian comes after him asap to apologize. There is a lot of overlapping apologizing, and little to no eye contact.
Maybe after, though, Wei Wuxian would feel a little...frisky. And a tiny bit defensive. "Lan Zhan, everybody does it!! It's not THAT upsetting!"
Lan Wangji cuts a glare at him. "Everyone does not do it."
Wei Wuxian suddenly has a lot of new things to think about.
(This is only ONE interpretation of Lan Wangji's relationship to self-pleasure...but it's a pretty fun one imo)
Wei Wuxian can't stop thinking about it. Has Lan Wangji really never...like NEVER never...is that. How could he even ask that? He can't, right? It'd be weird.
It Eats At Him. He loses sleep.
Coincidentally, so does Lan Wangji. They both lie awake at night in their shared room, very determinedly Not Thinking About the things they have learned.
Lan Wangji recites rules for hours trying to get the image of what Wei Wuxian looks like when he's doing THAT out of his mind.
Maybe, ages after Wei Wuxian thought Lan Wangji had fallen asleep, he hears him shift. It's a small sound but Wei Wuxian knows Lan Wangji doesn't move at all when he's really out.
"Can't sleep?" He says into the dark.
Lan Wangji takes a long time to answer. He's debating pretending not to hear. "No."
Wei Wuxian sort of thinks he knows why, but isn't sure exactly WHY why...like. Is Lan Wangji freaked out and disgusted? Is he confused? Is he...intrigued?
"It's because of the rules, right?" He asks instead. "It's a Lan thing."
Again, Lan Wangji takes a long time to answer.
It is only partly true. It is a rule, in a way. At least, that's how Lan Wangji had interpreted it when he was young. But it became a mixture of habit and shame, of self-disgust. And then after Nightless City, it simply did not occur to him. His body did not seem to work that way anymore.
He can't say any of that.
"Yes." It's not entirely a lie.
The horrible inconvenience of his body working that way, again, now, is another thing entirely. He does his best to ignore it. He does not want to address it. Meditation is his best friend once again.
"I really thought you'd started bending rules," Wei Wuxian muses aloud. "That's such a...specific one to stick to."
Lan Wangji has no answer for this. He honestly agrees.
After a pause Wei Wuxian goes on. "You never even thought about it? What about if you marry? Or what if you NEVER marry?"
Even in the oddly comforting unreality of the dead of night, Lan Wangji can't begin to discuss most of this.
"You said yourself no woman would want to marry me," he deflects.
"Ugh, did I?" Wei Wuxian says. "I suppose I did. Stupid. Anybody would be crazy not to want to marry you."
The silence after this declaration is particularly loud. Wei Wuxian covers it with an awkward laugh. "Anyway, I guess you probably think it's just another way the rest of the world is...gross. And...debaucherous. Huh."
Lan Wangji hears the self-effacement in his tone. "No. It is natural."
Wei Wuxian goes silent for a long moment. "Then why the rule?"
"It is...easier," Lan Wangji struggles to merge truth with the fib. "To deny one's—it is not a question of judgment. Do not worry, Wei Ying."
Wei Wuxian huffs. "I'm not worried, Lan Zhan." Well, he's not anymore. But then he processes the rest of it. "So. Then, it's less of a rule? And...more of...a...guideline?"
Lan Wangji says nothing. He's already said too much. He should be asleep. He should have pretended he was.
Wei Wuxian doesn't know why he's pushing this so hard. He can't make his mouth stop saying words, carried forward on a tide of morbid curiosity and an abstract sense of unjust wastefulness. If Lan Wangji is going to miss out on the natural pleasures of life, he at least wants to understand.
"That's a lot of years of dedication to a not-rule," he says.
Lan Wangji is silent, again.
"Must be difficult," Wei Wuxian insists.
Lan Wangji resists the urge to say both "it isn't" and "it is."
"You're not even curious?"
Lan Wangji is not. He understands the concept. Understands the truly unsettling ferocity of his own feelings, his own desire. Understands that some things, once begun, have a way of getting under one's skin and living there. The combination of these things is unthinkable.
"You could ask, if you were," Wei Wuxian goes on, unperturbed. "I don't mind."
This is not what Lan Wangji thought he meant. His mind is suddenly bursting with the most inappropriate of questions: mainly, horribly, "What do you think of, when you do it?"
"I would not," he manages to say.
"No, you wouldn't, would you," Wei Wuxian concedes. He is aware, distantly, that he is trying to cover up the acute awkwardness of being caught with his dick out with the hazier, less severe awkwardness of talking too much. It doesn't stop him. "You're not made of jade, but you do like to pretend you are."
He knows, immediately, even before Lan Wangji's sharp intake of breath, that he's said the wrong thing.
"Ah, Lan Zhan, I didn't mean that. I didn't." The silence is accusing, unforgiving. "I'm sorry. That was wrong."
Lan Wangji just lies there, silently blindsided. This is how Wei Wuxian sees him. Not as the bloodless statue of a man others see, but as a man desperately trying to realize that vision. And this...all of this, has only reinforced it.
"No," he says quietly. "You are right. It is easier."
"You keep saying that," Wei Wuxian says after a thoughtful silence. "Easier than what?"
This, Lan Wangji does not have the words to explain. There is no way to encompass the depth and breadth of it.
"It is time for sleep," he says.
Wei Wuxian chuckles darkly. "It was time for sleep ages ago. But alright. I can take a hint."
Neither of them sleep.
~~~
Days pass, and they do not speak of the incident again, though neither of them find themselves capable of forgetting it. The next time it comes up is completely by virtue of a series of accidents.
At dinner Wei Wuxian, in the habit of adding more food to Lan Wangji's bowl every time Lan Wangji adds some to his, does so without looking at what he is doing. When Lan Wangji hurries to douse the fire on his tongue with water, the nearest cup to his grasp contains something else entirely.
Wei Wuxian fortunately catches him before his head hits the table, this time.
When he wakes, bleary and unsteady, Wei Wuxian hustles him up and over to the stairs before he can get loose and wreak havoc. He learned his lesson the last time.
He helps Lan Wangji up to their room with an arm around his waist, and it's necessary but still feels a little bit like a violation. Lan Wangji does not like to be touched. It is probably a blessing that he won't remember this come morning.
Wei Wuxian is proud that they only stumble once before he figures out how to hold up the hems of both their robes with his one free hand, even with the distracting, warm weight of Lan Wangji's head on his shoulder. Once in the room, however, Wei Wuxian begins to regret his strategy of supervised confinement. There is nothing to do but sit while Lan Wangji stares at him, unfocused but intent.
"Lan Zhan...are you in there?"
Lan Wangji nods but doesn't break his stare. The room feels uncomfortably warm.
Wei Wuxian rolls his head back to look at the ceiling. Maybe a couple of petty crimes are worth ending this...but no. It wouldn't do to have rumors of Hanguang-jun vandalizing farms across the land. As funny as it would be, it wouldn't do at all. Wei Wuxian groans.
He stands and begins to putter around the room, pacing when that fails. Lan Wangji watches him with his silent, heavy gaze. The room really is far too warm.
Wei Wuxian unbuckles his belt to get rid of his thick outermost layer. Lan Wangji makes a small noise and laboriously turns himself around to face the wall.
"Lan Zhan? You alright?"
"Mn," comes the reply, with an exaggerated nod.
"What are you looking at over there?" He's irrationally half afraid Lan Wangji could start hallucinating.
"Away."
"A what?"
"Looking away."
"From?"
Lan Wangji glances over his shoulder, slow and shy, his heavy-lidded eyes falling on Wei Wuxian's hands at his belt.
The room gets warmer.
"Ah...hahaha...Lan Zhan. I'm just feeling a little hot, okay? Don't spit blood."
He takes off his belt. Lan Wangji faces the wall. When he shrugs off his long, thick vest, Lan Wangji starts wobbling, and it takes Wei Wuxian a confused minute before he realizes he's trying to stand up. He rushes to help.
"What now??"
"Leaving."
Wei Wuxian sighs. It has begun.
"You can't leave, Lan Zhan, it's late. Where will you go?"
"Outside." He's tugging insistently against the hand holding onto his arm.
"Okay," Wei Wuxian relents. He does sort of want to get out of this room. Get some fresh air. "Alright. Let's go."
Lan Wangji makes a distressed noise and tears his arm away. "Alone."
Wei Wuxian stares. "You can't—why?"
"Privacy."
"You—what do you need—" Wei Wuxian deliberately drops the question. "Sorry, Lan Zhan, you can have privacy in here, OR you can go outside. Not both."
Lan Wangji pouts. It's horrible. Wei Wuxian is not equipped to handle it. He opens his mouth to distract him.
Lan Wangji speaks first. "Not me. You."
"Me what?"
"Privacy."
Wei Wuxian's brain stalls, unable to follow Lan Wangji's logic. "What for?"
Lan Wangji makes a gesture at him that manages to be sloppy, elegant, and vaguely suggestive all at once. Wei Wuxian's face heats.
"I'm--I'm not. Doing. I wasn't going to do anything, Lan Zhan. I was just taking off one layer, see? To be more comfortable."
Lan Wangji blinks, unfocused, and sways. He's silent long enough that Wei Wuxian starts to relax and hope that he might just fall asleep. Which would be a blessing, given how difficult his heavy stare and softly parted lips are making it for Wei Wuxian not to Think Bad Thoughts.
Lan Wangji, however, is trying very hard to think thoughts with very limited success.
"Why?"
Wei Wuxian frowns at him. Which is bad.
"Why not?" He tries again. His words are not very good at present.
"Why am I not comfortable? It's a warm night."
Wei Wuxian is speaking slowly, like Lan Wangji is a child who does not understand such things. Lan Wangji frowns. He understands plenty.
He shakes his head and makes the motion again, the one Wei Wuxian understood. "Why not?"
Wei Wuxian is silent a long while, his face screwed up strangely. Lan Wangji wants to pat it smooth but knows he should not.
"It's..hah, Lan Zhan, it's not like people are always...you're not always...in the mood, you know?"
Lan Wangji does not know. He cannot, at this moment, conceive of not being at least slightly aroused. And besides there is nothing different now from the time he had seen—no, he does not think of that.
"Why?"
Wei Wuxian sighs. He almost looks sad. That's bad.
"Sometimes you're thinking of other things, or busy, or lonely, or..."
Wei Wuxian keeps speaking, but Lan Wangji has stopped listening. Wei Wuxian need not be lonely. He is here. He can help. He can help with this and Wei Wuxian will stop looking sad.
"Not alone," he says. "’M here."
Wei Wuxian stops talking, and smiles at him. Good.
"That's true."
Lan Wangji nods. Good. Wei Wuxian smiles some more, and shakes his head.
"Don't you think it's time to go to bed, Lan Zhan?"
Lan Wangji's ears heat. He would like to. He did not expect Wei Wuxian to ask. He nods and takes Wei Wuxian's wrist, pulling him toward the bed. Wei Wuxian makes an odd sound when they get there, and Lan Wangji looks down at where he's holding onto him, to make sure his grip is not too tight.
"Lan Zhan, I'm not sleepy," Wei Wuxian says. "You can...you can sleep though."
Lan Wangji stares at him with that same, open-mouthed stare. Wei Wuxian's own mouth is very dry.
"Not sleepy."
"Okay," says Wei Wuxian, jittery. "Maybe. You could just try lying down. And see if you get sleepy."
Lan Wangji looks at the bed. And then looks at Wei Wuxian.
"Not sleepy."
"...Okay."
Lan Wangji tugs on Wei Wuxian's wrist. Wei Wuxian's stomach lurches. He clears his throat.
"What is it?"
Unsteadily, Lan Wangji turns toward him. He reaches for the ties of Wei Wuxian's robes.
Wei Wuxian grabs his wrists and holds them away from himself as if they're on fire. A nervous laugh fights its way out of his mouth.
"Ah, Lan Zhan, I...I'm good. I'm not warm anymore. I'm fine. Happy. Like this. Okay?"
"Happy," Lan Wangji repeats.
"Yeah."
Lan Wangji seems to consider this.
Eventually, he relents, and goes to sleep.
Wei Wuxian sits up all night wondering if Lan Wangji was actually trying to do what it seemed like he was trying to do, and what it might mean if he was.
~~~
The time after that, it is Wei Wuxian's fault entirely.
It has been three days since Lan Wangji's accidental drunken night, and Wei Wuxian can't stop thinking about the intent in his drowsy gaze, or the brief second Lan Wangji's hands were at his waist. Every night when they go to bed, the room, the inn, are different. But the tension created in his spine by the memory of wanting and being so close but so far, is the same.
Wei Wuxian wants to drink.
But he knows that he probably should not under any circumstances get tipsy alone with Lan Wangji if he wants to preserve their friendship. So drinking is out. But he needs...he feels like he's going crazy. He needs some kind of...release. And it's been days, he's been too keyed up to try jerking off since The Incident. Plus Lan Wangji has just always been nearby. Which is great, actually, he would gladly go on forever this way, but it's also not ideal when being around him at all has been getting him half hard with no way to take care of it.
But they're two mature adults. They fight monsters every day. Wei Wuxian has been dead for crying out loud. It shouldn't be hard to ask for some privacy. It's understandable that he should need some, sometimes. Lan Wangji had seemed to understand even when he was drunk out of his mind. Of course he understands—Wei Wuxian has only gone a few days and he's starting to fray, imagine Lan Wangji going all these years without. Imagine if he ever did...it
would probably be. It'd probably be...really...
He doesn't think about it. He doesn't ask.
He decides to sneak off into the woods, instead. Except, when he gets up to leave, Lan Wangji gets up as well.
"Ah...are you. Going out too?" Wei Wuxian asks.
Lan Wangji blinks at him, and backs up a step in that unconscious way of his. "Apologies. I assumed, from the hour, that you had deemed it was time for us to eat."
"Oh. We could do that."
Lan Wangji shakes his head. "I would not infringe on your plans."
Wei Wuxian cringes internally. "You're not. I was just...I was just. Going. Out. To...to walk."
Lan Wangji stares at him with new suspicion. Wei Wuxian crumbles.
"I needed some privacy."
Lan Wangji's ears heat, and his eyes slip to the ground. "I see."
Wei Wuxian turns as if to leave again, and suddenly Lan Wangji realizes that he has nowhere to go.
"Stay. I will go."
"Ah, you don't have to, Lan Zhan, don't worry about it."
"Nonsense. It is more comfortable here."
He barely gets through the sentence once it registers what he is saying. What they are discussing happening in this room. His ears are on fire.
"Yeah which is why you should just stay here, comfortable."
Lan Wangji shakes his head and moves to brush past him.
"Or we could both say."
Wei Wuxian has no idea what makes him say it. He's playing with fire, and this was not the plan. But he keeps hearing Lan Wangji's sad voice saying it is easier. The loneliness in it. A twisted part of him doesn't want Lan Wangji to be left out in the cold. Literally or metaphorically.
Lan Wangji has frozen. He does not know what Wei Wuxian is suggesting. Does not want to assume. Does not want to even entertain the idea that he might mean—
"I don't mind if you don't," Wei Wuxian goes on.
Mind? Lan Wangji does not mind. That is not the cause of the white noise now roaring in his head.
"It's up to you. We both stay, or I can go,” says Wei Wuxian.
It is childishly manipulative, transparently so. On reflex, Lan Wangji cuts a glare at him, but quickly looks away. It feels lewd to look at him at all, just now.
"You could...play a song, or something, if..."
Lan Wangji has to look at him then. He wants him to play for him while he...while he...
Wei Wuxian's face scrunches up. "That...that's probably. This is probably weird. You probably don't want to be aware of—this was weird. Forget it. You can go, I can go. I just thought you might not mind, since—"
He cuts off as if he's said something he didn't mean to.
"Since?" Lan Wangji prompts. He has no idea where the sentence was meant to lead.
"Ah..." Wei Wuxian rubs the back of his head. "That night you drank my wine," he starts.
Lan Wangji's stomach drops.
"Ah, it's nothing bad!" Wei Wuxian hurries to say. "Don't look so upset."
"What did I say?"
Wei Wuxian has been acting distant the last few days. This explains everything. He must have said something untoward. Unacceptable.
"You didn't really say anything much."
Lan Wangji's alarm heightens.
"Did I—do—"
"Don't worry!" Wei Wuxian almost shouts. He can't handle the stricken expression on Lan Wangji's usually calm face. "You didn't do anything bad."
"Then what—"
"You...sort of. You. You wanted to help, is all."
Lan Wangji's eyes widen further. He looks absolutely horrified. Wei Wuxian wants to kick himself.
"I—it wasn't—"
Except it was sort of like that. But not in...not in a bad way. It was sort of...weirdly cute. He doesn't think he can say that. He takes a deep breath.
"It wasn't bad. Nothing happened. You just seemed...you weren't upset by the concept."
Lan Wangji stares at him.
"...But you clearly are now, so."
There is a long, awkward silence. Lan Wangji stares hard at the wall.
"It does not upset me," he hazards. He wants to be clear on this. Does not want Wei Wuxian to think him judgmental, or a prude.
"Okay."
"It is natural to require privacy for such things."
"Yes."
"Therefore I shall leave you."
"...If you like."
That strange opening, once again. The offer to...to share space, while he—
"What would you like?" Lan Wangji finds himself saying. His breath leaves him with the words.
"I'd like to know what really keeps you from doing it, even now."
Lan Wangji looks at him, shocked.
"If you just didn't want to, or didn't feel like it, that would be one thing," he goes on, "but that's not what you said."
Lan Wangji curses himself for speaking so freely, that night. "Why does it matter?"
Wei Wuxian frowns at him, thinking.
"Because sometimes, I think you find little ways to punish yourself. You don't deserve that. Especially not like this."
It feels like a physical strike, and Lan Wangji flinches from it. The worst part of it is that it might even be true.
"Pot. Kettle. Black," he counters.
Wei Wuxian huffs. "That's fair. Yeah, that's fair."
"So is your point," Lan Wangji is forced to concede. "Possibly."
Wei Wuxian's eyebrows shoot up. "Well, that...that's unfortunate."
"If you say so."
"We should do something about it."
The both of them go very still.
Wei Wuxian did not mean it to sound like such a pointed suggestion.
Lan Wangji does not know what to do with it.
Wei Wuxian laughs again, but it trails off pitifully.
"I didn't mean—" he starts at the same time Lan Wangji says,
"Alright."
They both snap their mouths shut.
Lan Wangji knows he has said the wrong thing, now. Knows he has given away a weakness, read the wrong thing into their situation, making it hopelessly awkward between them at last.
Wei Wuxian takes stock. It's rare for Lan Wangji to express himself like this. He can't shoot him down. He can't let that wounded look stay on his face.
"You could try it," he says. "I could...whatever you need." That sounds wrong. He tries again. "I could answer...questions. Or I could. Be moral support." Everything he says sounds stupid.
Lan Wangji is turning slowly pink. It's extremely fetching. Wei Wuxian can't help but try to deepen the shade, an old reflex.
"I could show you how."
It's a joke, and it's not. He meant to tease, probably. It did not come out that way at all. He can't take it back.
Lan Wangji thinks he should probably feel patronized, but his heart is thudding too hard for him to think clearly. He should say no. Of course he should. He knows what this would do to him, knows he would never be able to look at Wei Wuxian the same. He is already tortured constantly by the glimpse he accidentally stole. This would make things exponentially worse.
But at the same time, contrary to popular belief, he is only a man. How is he to deny something so close to what he has always wanted, freely given? No matter that it means nothing. He cannot quite refuse outright.
"I understand the mechanics," he says instead. Neither a yes nor a no.
Wei Wuxian smiles crookedly. "There's a little more to it than that."
This is somewhat of a genuine surprise. It must show on his face.
"Tips and tricks," Wei Wuxian says, "I know a few."
Lan Wangji can feel his face flushing now, hot and likely obvious. It is not a usual occurrence.
"I've had way more practice than you, you have to admit."
Lan Wangji generally tries not to think of it. "I suppose."
"Ah, Lan Zhan, are you mad there's something I'm better at than you?"
"Of course not," Lan Wangji replies, automatic. "You are very skilled at many things."
Wei Wuxian is grinning at him now. It feels more natural. He realizes he's been baited into relaxing somewhat.
"Alright," says Wei Wuxian, his grin fading a little, "if it's too awkward, then forget it. But the offer stands."
Lan Wangji feels very much pulled along by Wei Wuxian's current. It is a familiar feeling. He does the only thing he knows how to do any longer: he gives in.
"Alright."
Wei Wuxian blinks. In absolutely no part of his mind had he expected Lan Wangji to accept. He doesn't know what he thought. He wasn't actually thinking.
And now...
He. Well. Now he has to do as he said he would.
"Alright," he echoes back. "I...then. Alright."
It should be easy, in a sense. Once he'd become an official Jiang disciple and entered the dorms, it had become a necessity to tune out the presence of other people. But other people aren't Lan Wangji. And he can't remember anyone ever watching. That's certainly...something else.
He goes back into the bedroom, stripping off layers as he goes. He leaves most of them on—he's pretty sure this isn't supposed to be that kind of show.
Unless it is.
But it's not.
He turns to find Lan Wangji hovering, eyes averted, very much visibly embarrassed, and he has a very genius, very stupid idea.
As a teacher, he has come to appreciate that interactive learning is a powerful tool.
"Lan Zhan," he says, "learning by doing works best, sometimes."
"That is true," Lan Wangji says slowly.
Wei Wuxian shrugs. "Just an idea."
"Clarify." He does not want to misunderstand again.
Wei Wuxian fights his own blush at being made to say it. "We could do it at the same time. I could show you and you could try it. That way I could...you could. It might help."
Help what, he's not sure. He knows how all of this sounds. And yet here they are. He just can't stop himself.
Lan Wangji is having trouble deciding which of Wei Wuxian's suggestions should be accepted and which should be dismissed. He is unversed in what parts of this might cross the line of friendship.
But Wei Wuxian is offering. And in a deep, secret place, deeper even than his hopeless love, a part of him not only wants to see Wei Wuxian this way, but wants to be seen by him. He wants Wei Wuxian to have this part of him, whether he would care to keep it or not. He wants to give it to him more than he wants to have it himself.
"How?"
Wei Wuxian has once again not thought that far ahead. He scans the room, mind scrambling.
"Well. I...could sit. Here. And then you could also...you could sit."
He's staring at his bed, trying to think of a way this is not just him asking Lan Wangji to climb into bed with him. It occurs to him that's what he's been doing this entire time. He almost panics, but then...
Lan Wangji has been agreeing.
He looks at him again. Really looks. He's embarrassed, yes. A little lost. But underneath that, he looks determined.
For whatever reason, Lan Wangji wants this.
It settles the disquiet in Wei Wuxian. There's something Lan Wangji needs, here, and he's in a position to figure out how to let him have it. That's as worthy a cause as any.
"Get comfortable first," he says. "No Hanguang-jun allowed, this lesson is for Lan Zhan only."
Lan Wangji reaches up to take down his elaborate set of hair ornaments, and Wei Wuxian turns to consider the bed. It doesn't look very comfortable to lean on any part of it, so sitting is probably not ideal. It might be a hard sell, but he sees only one option.
"Lan Zhan—"
Lan Wangji is standing behind him, undone and soft. Smaller, without his tall hair and his billowing layers. Vulnerable. Wei Wuxian's heart does something complicated but familiar, and then picks up its pace. He'll have to tread carefully. To be careful with him.
"We'll just lie down first," he says. "Get used to that and go from there."
He expects A Look at the concept of getting used to lying down. But Lan Wangji only nods at the floorboards.
It's a little bit heartbreaking. Wei Wuxian is fairly certain a comforting touch wouldn't help. He stretches out and shimmies over to the side, as far as he can go to leave room. Lan Wangji only hesitates a moment before following suit. It's unfair how graceful he is, even in moments like this.
"Alright?" Wei Wuxian keeps his voice as soft and unobtrusive as he can.
Lan Wangji nods at the ceiling this time, his hands folded over his chest as if ready for sleep.
"It's really not a big deal, once you're used to it," he says, letting his mouth run. "It's like eating, or playing music. You figure out the ways you like to do it, and
try to get better at them."
He feels silly, giving a lecture on this, but he thinks the chatter is having the desired calming effect. Lan Wangji's breathing looks deeper. More even. But maybe he shouldn't be staring at him so much just now.
He turns to the ceiling, too.
"It's good to start slowly," he says. "Relax, get your body tuned into touch the way you want it to be. Don't just dive straight in."
There is a beat of silence, of stillness.
He actually has to do this now.
He takes a breath and pulls open his robes. Sets a hand on bare skin.
"Like this."
Lan Wangji can barely hear him over the rushing, pounding blood in his ears, in his mind, in his everywhere. He is aware of movement beside him, and the awareness that Wei Wuxian is undressing further, is bare, is touching himself, floods him with something like burning slush.
"Whenever you're ready," Wei Wuxian says, and the rustle of fabric sounds lewd in the silence. "Just touch your stomach or something. Ground yourself."
Hastily, jerkily, Lan Wangji unties his robes and tunic, opening them just enough to lay fingertips on flesh.
He cannot get enough air.
"When that feels nice, you can try something else. Like finding other places that feel particularly good. You know."
Lan Wangji has vague ideas. He does not really know. Does not think he could find them now, like this, strung so tightly.
"And whenever you feel like it, you can move on to more things. Or even The Thing, depending on how it feels."
Lan Wangji hears the slide of skin on skin. Hears Wei Wuxian's hand moving lower. The displacement of the waistband of his trousers.
He has never been so hard in his life. He wonders if it is possible to die from such a thing. He feels as if he might.
"How is it?" Wei Wuxian asks. His voice is breathier than it was a moment ago.
Lan Wangji feels dampness bloom in his own trousers. He clenches his fists and shuts his eyes.
"Lan Zhan?"
Wei Wuxian glances over, and sees the pained look on Lan Wangji's face. He stops the light, tentative touch he's been using on himself.
"What is it?"
Lan Wangji shakes his head. Wei Wuxian frowns.
"We can stop this right now," he says. "I'm sorry if I pushed it too far. I..."
"No," says Lan Wangji. "You did not. It is not your fault. I should not have agreed."
"Why not?"
Lan Wangji does not know where to begin.
"I should have known I would not be able to."
Wei Wuxian considers this. "There's nothing wrong with not being able to...perform. Under pressure. That—"
Reflexively, he glances down at him, and learns with immediate, brain-melting clarity that performance is not the issue. The sight chokes off the rest of his words. He tries to compose himself. He’s supposed to be helping, not panting like a dog. That's just taking advantage.
"Or. Ah...Do you feel like trying to tell me what the problem is?"
Lan Wangji shakes his head and blows out a frustrated breath. "I am sorry."
"Don't apologize," Wei Wuxian says, resisting the guilt that wants to spring on him. He can troubleshoot this. It's Lan Zhan. He deserves to feel good. "Is it just because I'm here? I can go."
"No," Lan Wangji says quickly. "I will go."
"Lan Zhan..." Wei Wuxian says gently. "You can't go out in public like that."
Lan Wangji knows this. And he has had this problem before, to a lesser extent. He is very good at getting rid of it. Only just now, with Wei Wuxian's warmth palpable beside him, he finds himself unable to concentrate.
Embarrassment and frustration are rolling off of Lan Wangji in waves. Wei Wuxian casts about, desperate for a solution to the distress he has inadvertently caused.
"Lan Zhan, relax. It's only me. We have time to figure it out. Take a deep breath."
Lan Wangji breathes. It shudders out of him.
"Can I help?" Wei Wuxian asks.
He means it in a general way.
Lan Wangji's eyes snap open and fix him with a disbelieving stare, and he hears, then, how it sounded.
But Lan Wangji looks so...helpless. Almost pleading.
He doubles down.
"Let me help."
Lan Wangji stares at him with confusion just on the edge of fear. Wei Wuxian reaches out to hover a hand over his arm.
"Can I touch you?"
He sees Lan Wangji's throat bob as he swallows hard. He gives the slightest of nods. Wei Wuxian presses down on his bicep in what he hopes is a comforting way, and sweeps his thumb back and forth. Lan Wangji is so warm, even through his remaining layers.
"It's only me," Wei Wuxian says again. He runs his hand down to the fist curled tightly on Lan Wangji's stomach and gently pries it open. He wraps his fingers around his hand and rubs the back of it with his thumb until it relaxes. "It's just us. You trust me, and I trust you, right? Nothing to worry about."
Every word Wei Wuxian says is like another blade to Lan Wangji's gut. He should not be allowing this. In the name of trust, he should not let Wei Wuxian touch him with kindness, with the assumption of pure friendship. He should stop this.
But Wei Wuxian's hand is warm on his. A gesture so simple, reducing Lan Wangji to a hopeless, lovestruck fool. He cannot pull away from it. He could not bear to.
But then Wei Wuxian is moving their hands to rest on the bed between them, and letting go. He slides his hand back up Lan Wangji's arm to his shoulder, then down just slightly. Almost to his chest. Lan Wangji cannot breathe.
Wei Wuxian goes up on an elbow, looking down at him. His robes fall open just slightly, revealing a slice of skin. Lan Wangji looks away.
"Can I show you?" Wei Wuxian asks softly. His hand is a heavy weight. He is asking...he is asking to...
Lan Wangji should say no.
He cannot say it.
He nods.
When Wei Wuxian's hand moves, when it slides to the center of his chest and beneath the fabric there, Lan Wangji closes his eyes. The first touch is a shock. With considerable effort, he does not flinch. He does not gasp. He keeps still and quiet as the small, shivery waves of sensation roll across his body, growing and fading as more of Wei Wuxian's hand comes in contact with his skin. It rests there, then, and Lan Wangji is grateful for the pause. He needs it to calm himself, to keep from shaking out of his body and into the ether.
But then it begins to move, a slow caress, and Lan Wangji feels all of his hair stand on end.
He did not know touch could feel like this.
"Alright?" Wei Wuxian asks, his hand petting up and down the center of Lan Wangji's chest, gradually widening into oblong circles.
The bright softness of it is beginning to overwhelm Lan Wangji, the sharp awareness it brings to his body unfamiliar and heady. He nods.
They have come this far. He does not know what it would do to him to stop, now. The only way out is through.
Wei Wuxian brushes his fingers out deliberately farther, catching across a nipple. Lan Wangji does not manage to stop his shocked intake of breath at the difference in feeling, at the very pointed, very intense pleasure. Wei Wuxian circles his fingertips almost casually, and does it again. As if it is directly connected, his cock jerks, the damp spot in his trouser spreading. Again, and he clenches his teeth against the sounds working up in his throat.
"Is that too much?" Wei Wuxian asks. He feels unsteady, jittery with adrenaline and determination. He can't believe Lan Wangji is letting him do this. He knows he has to make the most of this one chance.
Lan Wangji shakes his head, and Wei Wuxian gives his nipple a gentle squeeze. At that, Lan Wangji does gasp quietly, his hands fisting tight in the bedding.
"Enough," he forces out, hoarse.
Wei Wuxian's fingers still. "You want—you want me to—"
Lan Wangji nods, his skin flushed with embarrassment and arousal in equal parts. Wei Wuxian moves his hand to rest low on Lan Wangji's stomach, and all his muscles jump and tense in response. It is too intimate, this touch, somehow. More intimate than the others. His cock aches, and leaks, and he is nearly tempted to take it in hand himself. But he is paralyzed still by fearful embarrassment, and now also by his ferocious desire, empowered by all this unexpected fulfillment of distant, illicit hopes.
He waits.
"Lan Zhan, look at me," Wei Wuxian murmurs. He doesn't think he can do this without looking into his eyes and knowing he's really alright.
Lan Wangji's eyes open with a flutter of dark lashes, and their darkness, their intensity, shocks straight through to Wei Wuxian's own arousal. He had expected discomfort and uncertainty. The nerves are there, the slight fear, too, and the embarrassment, yes. But these are nearly subsumed by stormy, determined desire.
Wei Wuxian sees now, he thinks, what Lan Wangji meant. How simply not giving in to the slightest temptation might prove easier than keeping such fierce feeling leashed. He had not realized Lan Wangji might contain such heat, such extraordinary worldly needfulness.
It's insanely arousing. Wei Wuxian struggles not to fall upon him and ravish him on the best of days, but this...
He clears his throat. "Ready?"
Eyes still locked on Wei Wuxian's, Lan Wangji nods, clear and careful. Wei Wuxian slips his hand down, beneath his waistband, immediately hot and slick. He can feel Lan Wangji's hard muscles twitching beneath smooth skin and coarse hair. He lifts his fingers to skim his knuckles along his length, and holds back a shiver. Lan Wangji is hard, and hot, and smooth as silk. And big. Really big.
Wei Wuxian's mouth waters, and that is...a new response to this type of information. He files it away to think about never again.
Lan Wangji can only breathe in short, shallow pants. The light touch is driving him to distraction, too much and not nearly enough. His hips jerk unconsciously. His focus, his restraint, is beginning to drift out of his grasp.
Wei Wuxian wraps his hand around him loosely, and strokes him once from root to tip.
A long breath shudders out of him along with a small, pained sound he does not mean to make. He shuts his eyes tight, but then Wei Wuxian lets go. Lan Wangji makes another sound. Quieter, yet more embarrassing.
"Not enough room," Wei Wuxian says, his hand flat on Lan Wangji's stomach, between his hips.
Lan Wangji does not understand how a touch that was so overwhelming a moment ago could be so grounding now. He is able to fill his lungs easier, for a moment, even though he aches for the touch to return.
"These—can I—” Wei Wuxian tugs at his trousers.
Lan Wangji nods without looking, without thinking. He does not care. Not now.
Wei Wuxian shoves them down. Lan Wangji knows he is shifting, straining for him, but cannot do anything to stop. He is bare and pleading, and he finds he cannot mind at all.
Wei Wuxian knows he shouldn't stare, but it really is impossible not to. Lan Wangji's cock is huge, beautiful, and dark with need. It looks almost painful, honestly, and Wei Wuxian very purposely does not think about how that might be particularly turning him on. Instead he does what he's here to do. He helps.
He touches him gently at first, then more firmly, each stroke coaxing another pulse of precome from his tip. Wei Wuxian didn't even know you could get this wet. But then, he hasn't really taken stock of the state of his own trousers. All of this is very new. He's honestly happy to be surprised.
Lan Wangji is shifting under his hand, breath erratic and noisy, his face contracted in an ecstatic, agonized expression. It's so beautiful Wei Wuxian wishes he could paint it. Wishes he could paint it across the backs of his own eyes and look at it forever.
"Come on, Lan Zhan," he hears himself saying. His voice sounds like a stranger's. "That's good, just let go."
Lan Wangji groans. It's low, and quiet, but it makes Wei Wuxian's cock twitch so hard he gasps.
"Come on," he breathes. "That's right."
Lan Wangji tosses his head to the side and gasps, then visibly bites back another noise. Wei Wuxian tightens his grip and focuses on twisting his hand at the right time, adding and releasing pressure in the right places.
Lan Wangji cuts off a louder sound, sweat breaking out across his skin.
"Wei Ying," he murmurs then, as if dreaming.
Wei Wuxian knows he will be hearing it in his own dreams for the rest of his life.
With one more aborted cry, Lan Wangji's perfectly muscled stomach tenses up in a shallow crescent, and he comes. Head thrown back, throat working with the ragged sounds forced through it. He comes, and comes. Wei Wuxian has never seen this much come in his life. He strokes him, and pulls him through it for what seems like forever. Finally, he quiets, and the ribbons of white shorten and then cease entirely.
Lan Wangji's breaths come hitched and wet, almost like little sobs. Wei Wuxian stares. His mind is entirely, screamingly blank.
At length, Lan Wangji's eyes blink open and look at him with bleary shock. He looks drunk. He looks fucked out. He looks incredible. His eyes are big and damp, his mouth full and red and open. Wei Wuxian wants to—but no. He can't, because—but then Lan Wangji's gaze cuts down to Wei Wuxian's lips, and—
Wei Wuxian leans down and crashes their mouths together. No finesse, no care, no gentleness. He just needs to taste him, to feel him.
Lan Wangji makes a soft, wanting sound and kisses back, sluggish but no less enthusiastic for it. He grabs him with both hands and holds on tight. Wei Wuxian licks into his mouth, hot and soft and insistent, and Lan Wangji hears himself make another awful sound. He tries to keep up, wants distantly to be good at this, feels as if maybe, somehow, if he were, he might be allowed to have it again.
This need collides with the more present one to feel the give of Wei Wuxian's lower lip between his teeth.
Wei Wuxian is the one to make a sound now, sudden and cut-off but needful nonetheless. His fingers dig into Lan Wangji's waist, slippery with come. This combination reawakens Lan Wangji's briefly calmed desire. Now that the dam has burst, he finds himself wanting all sorts of filthy things, most urgently for Wei Wuxian's spend to mix with his own on his skin.
He tries to focus on the kiss. Tries to make Wei Wuxian make that sound again.
Wei Wuxian is losing the struggle not to rut against Lan Wangji's hip. This all started because he was already going out of his mind, and now that the barrier between them has crumbled, what he has wanted hopelessly and what he needs immediately have become the same thing.
"Lan Zhan," he pants against his open mouth, "I...I need. Can I—"
Lan Wangji's fingers dig into his arms. "Yes." His voice is low and shredded. It's so hot Wei Wuxian is surprised he doesn't just come from the sound. "Please."
"Oh, fuck," Wei Wuxian mumbles, and fumbles his trousers down.
He gets a hand around himself—the same hand, still wet, and fuck, oh fuck—but Lan Wangji puts an arm around him and pulls him close, against his side. He sees, out of the corner of his eye, that Lan Wangji is—he's still—
They lock eyes. Wei Wuxian swallows hard. "Do you...do you still need..."
Lan Wangji blinks rapidly, then nods mutely.
He does not actually know. He has no idea what he needs, other than to see what Wei Wuxian might do next.
What he does is push himself up, thighs astride Lan Wangji's hips.
Lan Wangji is not prepared for it. All his breath leaves him once more.
"Is this—too much?" Wei Wuxian asks, leaning over him, breathing hard, pink with his own flush.
Lan Wangji tries not to do anything too extreme, like gripping Wei Wuxian's bare, muscled thighs with both hands.
"It is not," he manages roughly.
Wei Wuxian grinds down against him, and his curse is drowned out by Lan Wangji's sudden, anguished oh.
"Is it—Lan Zhan—is it—"
Lan Wangji's hands are fisted tightly in the bedding, his eyes squeezed shut and turned away. The pale column of his throat is exposed, tense and lovely.
"Please," he breathes.
"Oh, Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian chides softly, an odd pang in his chest. "It's alright."
He brushes damp hair from Lan Wangji's face, careful not to touch his ribbon. He leans down close and kisses the corner of his mouth. He's so perfect. Wei Wuxian hates to see him seem so conflicted about something so good.
"You can let go," he says again. He doesn't know how to make him understand. "With me, you can, if you want to. I want you to. I really...if you need—whatever you want. I'm here."
As he speaks, he can't seem to stop his hips from moving, little catches of almost-friction between their cocks making Lan Wangji's breath hitch beneath him.
He doesn't know what he's doing. He could be ruining everything. But he can't stop. He's never been this close to anyone, or wanted anyone this much. And it's not anyone, it's Lan Zhan. He wants him. He wants to make him feel good. He wants to be the person to do that. Preferably forever, but he'll take just this for as long as he can have it.
He kisses Lan Wangji's jaw, his perfect throat.
"Is this good? Do you want it?" He has to ask.
"Yes."
Breathless, the both of them undone. He kisses farther down.
"Do you...do you want to touch me too?" He tries not to sound too hopeful.
A pause, then the hoarse reply. "Yes."
"Then touch me."
Another pause. Hesitant fingertips at his knee, sliding upward. The barest touch of a palm on his thigh. He places his own hand over it and presses it down.
"Hold on," he says.
Then he thrusts against him and bites down gently at the same time.
Lan Wangji grips him hard and gasps, chest heaving against Wei Wuxian's.
"Yeah," Wei Wuxian goads, thrusting again. It feels so good. It feels better than anything he's imagined. "Yeah, like this, Lan Zhan, oh fuck."
It's incredible, and yet he needs more. He does his best to line them up and take them both in hand, but his hand is only so big, and between the two of them he's pleased to say neither of them would be considered small. He tries though, and it's almost perfect. Lan Wangji beneath him, writhing and panting, his helpless little noises and upward thrusts. The slick drag between them as he holds them together. He knows he's not going to last, but he almost doesn't care. The best part is watching him.
Lan Wangji is coming apart. He is reduced to sensation, overcome entirely by the sharpness, the omnipresence of pleasure. The only thing anchoring him to the world is Wei Wuxian's soft voice in his ear, Wei Wuxian's hands on his body. He has no idea if a second release is possible, but for now he is blissfully, mindlessly tossed in the ceaseless current.
He is aware of Wei Wuxian taking his hand and moving it, and then the hot, slick mess of them pressed together in his hand.
"Ah," Wei Wuxian pants against him. "That's—good. Together, like this—oh, fuck, Lan Zhan, your hand is—I—"
He groans right under Lan Wangji's ear, and it's so obscene, so honest, that Lan Wangji's climax drags him under with no warning. It feels like every vein, every nerve bursting, filling his limbs, his mind, his mouth with something bittersweet. Like something breaking in him beyond repair.
Lan Wangji moans, long and low and pleading, as he comes. The sound, the sight, the tightening of his hand around them, are all too much. It sends Wei Wuxian over the edge after him, jolting and groaning. He looks down to watch, awed where he might've thought he should be disgusted. In the height of it, he wants to smear his hands through their spend on Lan Wangji's perfect skin, to paint their names in it.
He doesn't do that. This has already pushed through too many boundaries. He collapses into the mess instead, an unsubtle compromise, and then finds himself too weak to move.
When the euphoria fades, it hits him. What they've just done. What he's done, really. Mad with want and lacking any impulse control whatsoever, he may have just done what demonic cultivation and 16 years of absence couldn't manage. He may have just driven Lan Wangji out of his life for good. He...he thinks, probably, the effect won't be quite that drastic. But he's suddenly afraid it could be.
Lan Wangji comes back to himself warm and pleasantly weighed down. Slowly, as his breathing evens out, the comfort bleeds out of him leaving only exhaustion and nerves.
He is not sure how much he has given away, in this. How much of what he has just done can be excused. He tries to still the tremors that are still pulsing through his muscles. Tries to regain his footing, to think. It is nearly impossible with Wei Wuxian still draped over him, boneless and pliant. But he would not trade it away, not a single moment of it.
Eventually, unfortunately, Wei Wuxian lifts up and off. Lan Wangji feels a moment of stark, certain grief, and turns away from him.
"We should clean up," Wei Wuxian says quietly.
Lan Wangji nods. They should. There is...much to clean.
A hand grasps his arm, sudden and solid.
"Lan Zhan, we're okay, right? I didn't. I didn't...this wasn't wrong."
Lan Wangji shakes his head. It was far from wrong.
"Okay...okay. Then, are you okay?"
Lan Wangji does not want to lie. It is a difficult question. It is possible he is alright. He simply does not know.
"Did you know?" Lan Wangji asks suddenly, without premeditation of any sort.
He wishes he could shove the words back into his mouth. But he cannot help but wonder. How much of this was...a knowing kindness? How much of this was pity, born of his own horribly obvious desires?
"Know what?"
Lan Wangji takes a breath. As much as he wishes he could, he does not think he could go back. Back to before he had this, knew this, felt this.
"That I wanted you."
There is a stunned silence. The hand on his arm tightens painfully.
"No," Wei Wuxian says. "You—how long?"
Lan Wangji shakes his head. That, he is not sure he can make himself say.
"Did...did you know?"
"Know?" Lan Wangji repeats, confused. Of course he knew his own desires, as unfortunate as they were.
"That I wanted you."
The silence then is suspended. The moment before a fall. Lan Wangji turns.
"You what?"
Wei Wuxian blinks at him. He really is an unparalleled mess. Lan Wangji aches with how much he loves him.
"Lan Zhan," he says, covering sheepishness with a reprimanding tone. "You didn't really think you were the only one, after that?"
Lan Wangji feels as if he is making rather a habit of complete and utter breathlessness. He stares at him, at the earnestly hopeful look in Wei Wuxian's eyes.
"I did not know."
"Well," Wei Wuxian says. "You do now. In case...in case that matters."
Lan Wangji does not know what is happening inside him, but it is riotous. He shoves it down, out of the way. This is something, but it is not...he cannot. He has lied by omission, he feels, too much now. He cannot continue.
"Then you should know," he says, measured as he can, "that what I feel is more than wanting." Wei Wuxian continues to stare at him. Lan Wangji has to look away. "In case that matters."
"It matters," Wei Wuxian says, a thin croak. "It—Lan Zhan, how much more, exactly, could you be, ah, specific? Because I don't want to say the wrong thing, but—"
Lan Wangji cannot bear to speak of it anymore. He unties his ribbon and lays it across Wei Wuxian's palm, at which point Wei Wuxian stops speaking and stares at it, instead of him, for a long moment.
"Lan Zhan..."
Lan Wangji's heart is heavy even as anxiety sparks through his overtired veins. But then, suddenly, he is horizontal again, and there is a riot of a different sort, of heat and limbs and lips, and he is being kissed all over his face.
"How long?" Wei Wuxian is saying again, between sweet pecks and lingering presses. "You wouldn't say. How long?"
"Wei Ying?"
Wei Wuxian can tell Lan Wangji hasn't yet caught up, and it's adorable and sad at the same time. He takes pity.
"I'll go first. I think I've probably loved you since forever, but I didn't know until, well, until I thought I'd lost you, back then. How stupid is that? Now you. Tell me how stupid we both are, how long we could have been doing this."
Lan Wangji is staring at him with unadulterated awe. It's cute, but it also makes Wei Wuxian feel squirmy and uncomfortable. He kisses him again, deep and slow, a new way they haven't tried. It's extremely good.
He manages to tear himself away. "Tell me or I'll stop kissing you," he says. He doesn't even know if it's a good threat. He hopes it is. It'd get him to speak if their places were reversed.
"Always," Lan Wangji breathes, still awed, still wide-eyed and sweet. It gives Wei Wuxian pause.
Lan Wangji sees him looking back through his spotty memories, trying to fit this information into them. He feels a stab of regret that he never made it clear before now. He resolves to make it abundantly clear every moment from here on out. He surges up to kiss those memories away.
It takes a long, long time before they clean up and do anything else.
In the future, Lan Wangji still doesn't make a habit of engaging in self-pleasure. He doesn't have to. Except, of course, when Wei Wuxian realizes he's rather sad he missed out on watching.
~The End~
If you enjoyed this, you can keep up with new threads as they happen on my twitter. If you want to see me in Real Writing Mode, check out my works on ao3!
#my fic#mdzsnet#theuntameddaily#the untamed fanfiction#wangxian fanfiction#this escalated very quickly#but still managed to be 9k words in three days#threadfics are both a blessing and a burden#they're quick and messy and fun#this one got called wholesome a lot#if i had a dollar for every time my smut has been called wholesome......#i work SO hard to take it as a compliment hahaha
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I loved what if! ep 4 and everything about it, but my cleastrange heart wishes that there should've been Clea rather than Christine. Even though the story makes more sense with a helpless innocent human and wouldn't have worked this well with a powerful magic user like Clea herself. I just wish there would've been a Clea×stephen episode. Because the way mcu is pushing Christine more and more into this role of strange's "True love" (even though she isn't in main timeline or in comics), the more people would refuse the idea of Clea×stephen if she gets introduced in the MCU movies. Just like what happened with poor Sharon Carter, the girl deserves to be the main female lead in CA movies but since Peggy was introduced first and pushed a lot more than needed, people became more comfortable with Peggy and hated Sharon.
Greetings, anon, and thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I'd love an episode like this starring Clea, but sadly she was not introduced yet - and I fear that they'll indeed push the Clea = Christine agenda, which I personally hate.
We still have to wait and see what they'll create with this but for the episode, I really don't mind to see more on Strangepalmer. I find her a very interesting character and to be honest with you, I don't really believe that everything that is settled in the MCU will be reflected on the same storylines in alternate universes. For instance, if we think about NWH, just take a look at Garfield's Spidey and how he was in love with Gwen, while Holland's Spidey fell directly into MJ's arms (I know Garfield's Spidey never had the chance to meet MJ but let's make an effort haha).
This is why I don't believe that every alternate Stephen is in love with Christine. That would be soooo boring. And What If? is here to expand the possibilities.
This is merely my opinion, of course. I could be wrong and Christine will be forever Stephen's only love interest (boooooring).
As for the main public, I hate the toxic part of the MCU fandom (which is pretty much the whole MCU twt and TikTok, you know I'm right) and I don't really care what they'll think about Clea. Excuse my language but I really, really, really don't give a damn about their stupid opinions. I had this sudden realization that, since they started crying on Stephen's personality, they're just unreasonable. Not to mention that Clea is already target of hatred (it happened once in this blog) but my love for her knows no shame. She's the queen of my dimension and I won't listen to crybabies.
As for Sharon and Peggy... once they started with the Peggy agenda, they should never have pushed the Sharon agenda after that. I'm sorry for the comic book stans but it was utterly disgusting to think that Steve would do something like that - also I'm sorry for the way the MCU treated Sharon. I still don't like the plot twist but I digress.
Clea and Christine on the other hand... as long as they're completely different characters (NOT RELATED, THIS IS IMPORTANT), then all is fine to me. MCU has this habit of pushing the same couple to the bitter end and honestly, it's so boring. To be fair, I don't have any hopes. I'm just... numb. Never been a hardcore fan (and I never get tired of stating that), so it will be easier for me to let go of whatever bs they bring on Stephen's lore. Hopefully, it doesn't come to that.
I'm just gatekeeping Cleaphen forever ~ehehehe
Also my apologies for my tone as I replied to this post. I'm really bitter when I have to discuss such matters. Been doing this for years and I can't take any more of Christine/Clea discourse.
#how can the sorcerer supreme be of assistance?#ask#doctor strange#stephen strange#clea#cleaphen#christine palmer#strangepalmer#no i'm not tagging that word
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