#i literally have not slept my god | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chrisbangs · 1 year

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oke im not giffing the stage even tho i took down timestamps... if theres motivation ill do it tmmr bc i have nawt fucking slept and ihave to go out in like 30 minutes lol

#gotta go drop off some tracked packages at my post office #i literally have not slept my god #im gonna sleep like i died when i get home please TT __ TT #li.txt

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synthshenanigans · 19 days

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You Sound Like Louis Burdett is a banger song I wish it was real 💔 [looking at you spotify]

skeleton-less & textless versions ✨ wahoo ✨

#over 40 hours & 300 layers later an my wrist pains are at an all time high #seriously my wrists are killing me agh #wrist pains are great when youre an artist aren't they?????#head in hands #i sketched a very very loose idea of this like 10 minutes after the song came out #passed out [cos it was 6am] & then spent the next 3 days working on this #and its still not out on spotify #song is prooooolly coming out today at least #just assuming by the k.k. suite as a standard #it again 6am. i have not slept so i will go do that now #preferably not face down on a lawn like a certain other pansexual floating around here somewhere #chonny jash #cj ysllb #i still dunno what to tag the song tbh #-atlas art-#tw sui imagery #bright colors #bright lights #cw bright colors #lmk if this needs anymore tag warnings!!!#also chonny please give us an outfit photo for stuff #the tights were driving me insane #same for the shoes #literally can only see the god damn BOTTOM of them in one photo #what do i draw man

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rainymoodlet · 1 year

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taking anaya’s advice, dallas decided to forgo the stress of another blind date and treat themselves to a drink! 🌵 and just when they weren’t looking to meet anyone… in walks mr. anjelo morlind 👀

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youremyonlyhope · 2 years

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Weird intense sertraline dreams are super real side effect.

#zoloft #sertraline #i just took a nap from like 9pm-ish to 11pm #i had a dream with a whole bunch of youtubers in it and i have no clue why #i think i made up like half of them just from names i've heard while others were people i either still watch or just used to watch #and there were LEVELS to this dream that i didn't even fully realize until like 30 minutes after waking up #like one youtuber was being called by another name yet they still had drama with another who was there #and it took me remembering the dream to realize that that drama was somewhat real but the different name made me not notice at first #it was WEIRD. also at one point i was living in like a campus or something but there were different climates like every 20 feet #like snow but also multiple pools and a weird like rollercoaster but you walk/slide in it... this is vaguely still coming back to me #also a weird sauna i was in then someone helped me out of it #and LITERALLY as if i was playing the sims i felt my consciousness almost like press buttons to change the POV #and the 'camera' left my eyes and moved to the outside of the sauna so i watched the person carry my sleeping body out #and i'm just NOW remembering that part and being like... what... i mean i literally intentionally changed the camera controls of my dream #guys i am hennaing my hair i was supposed to rinse it out at like 10:30ish but slept through that so i've had it in for an extra hour #which is fine. i like the more intense color. but i've been slowly remembering bits and pieces of this dream #for the last 45 minutes and it's so weird i need to somewhat document it #because it was like 4 different plotlines and the youtuber one was only one of them and the campus thing was another #oh my god i just remembered clark baxtresser from starkid was in the campus part and he was singing and i was like chasing him #through the rollercoaster (or maybe just sliding behind him?) and singing along and i think i dreamt that part due to VHS Christmas Carol #that JUST came back to me. that was such a weird aspect. i think i thought it was weird even in the moment.#i haven't remembered most of the weird sertraline dreams so i'm glad i put down bits of this one

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chl3borzoi · 2 months

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You should never feel dread about intimacy. It should be a pain-free and enjoyable thing. You should feel held by your partner. Your partner should defend you to others and make you feel wanted, in many more ways than just sexually. If this clicks with you, i encourage you to leave. Heartbreak and being alone is sad, but it's better than bad.

#i feel like too many people taking dating way too seriously.#if things are bad and youre not comfortable or happy #and if you do indeed try to voice yourself and address things. to not be heard or understood. or respected. LEAVE leave leave #leeeavvvveeeeee regain confidence recognize your charming character qualities take care of yourself.#you should never ever ever put up with feeling scared in the bedroom #because apologies cannot fix that level of trust breaking #p #yeah i slept through therapy yeahh im binge drinking again lmfaooo. love yourself because i don't love myself.#OH a liar is something we don't entertain.#if youre partner is a liar ESPECIALLY a pathological one RUNNNN AWAY #wrong your oh look i picked up a bad habit lmfao. god. have enough self love and worth to date someone whos fucking literate.#feeling [REDACTED] Today may record vocals for my friends album later

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glitter50000 · 1 year

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Fic inspiration

Ulla ducks her head and gives a humorless chuckle. “It was never the mother, was it?”

Her father regards her with a pained smile. “No, it wasn’t.”

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He loved Ulla, truly, grey skin and all, she was still his child. Her laughs and giggles would fill the air with a joyous melody. He knew Ulla showed more promise as a baby than most sildroher ever have during that age.

On dark days a small, ugly part of him thinks of taking her back to shore, finding her birth mother, and thrusting the baby in her hands without a word as she did him, never visiting again.

During the times when Ulla’s wails would bounce across the walls and make the flowers shrivel and rot. He didn’t have a problem with it, she had a strong voice after all, but when the others complained it was a different story. How they glared at the two of them or sneered at the baby for the tone of her cries.

The times when his wife would look at Ulla with an odd look, something akin to fear, repulsion, or pity. When that specific look would be on him instead. He remembers squashing down the hurt at the time she recoiled at Ulla reaching her little hands out to her or having just stood there as the baby cried.

He would never want to give Ulla away though, for he never regrets her in the first place.

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“You can hold her if you want.”

She’s broken out of some trance by his voice as he comes over to the crib. He chuckles a little at that, recalling the occasions when she would hold Ulla with a smile on her face, entertaining her with a song almost as if she forgets about the baby’s heritage. Though now it seems she remembers the other half.

“She won’t bite,” he says amusedly.

“I know that,” she mumbles, glancing at Ulla’s tail and his. He sighs and moves to pick Ulla up instead, scooping her up in his arms.

“You must think I’m a whore.” He tells her bluntly. Sometimes he sees her looking at him with what could be a trace of disgust. Remembers how uncomfortable she seemed when they were courting each other and she first met Ulla and he confided in her about Ulla’s true parentage. Still, she wanted to marry him and look after her like she was her own, despite it all.

“What,” she’s taken aback, “no, no I don’t think that's all, it’s just…” she trails off, gripping the edges of the crib tightly. It’s silent for a moment before his wife speaks again.

“I wish she had been mine.” She whispers.

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He still thinks about her at times, the shadow summoner, either with anger or nostalgia. Looking back to when she made him sing symphonies during their lovemaking.

Sometimes he wonders if he ever would’ve met Ulla had she not been born with a tail. Or would she have taken her away wherever she went and he would still be waiting for the bell to ring?

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Brave little Ulla. Coming home on the bad days when there’s too much teasing with tears in her eyes, yet still acting strong and holding her head high.

#You know if someone gets inspired to make this an actual fic or something I wouldn’t mind #Cause I’ve had scenes like these stuck in my head and I would make the fic myself but for the love of god I cannot figure out a way #To stitch these together and also I’m stuck on how to end it like I know someone could write this better then me #Me looking at Ulla’s parents: oh they could be sooo dysfunctional #Rereading wwsf and seeing how the sildroher say it’s the mom who went up and slept with a human when it was actually her dad who did that #Is kinda humorous but also I’m like “how could I make this angsty”#Cause the sildrohers saw humans as beneath them so he’s probably over here like “they don’t know I literally slept with a human”#I was gonna have a line talking about how Ulla’s cries could be so desperate and loud the song filled people with grief and they hated it #And that when sildroher babies cried the songs were melancholy and made ppl’s heart ache and Ulla’s wasn’t always like that #but I was having trouble wording it to fit #Also I like the idea of the mother meeting him after he’s taking care of Ulla cause I think that could give for some fun potential #just thinking about how her mom treats Ulla makes me feral #This all started when I reread wwsf and saw how the her parents especially her dad reacted to Ulla wanting to go ashore #Got the cogs turning you know #grishaverse #the language of thorns #when water sang fire #ulla morozova #my wriitng

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lostusagis · 2 days

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He really wasn't expecting her to kiss back, suppressing his selfish thoughts was going to become increasingly harder now.

#IC. Kamui #DASH COMM.#( he was fine with her not liking it but then that happened )#( His reaction was literally 'Oh...............' )#( then Namida asked him what else he wanted to do and his immediate thought was 'I wanna kiss you again actually :D' )#( I HAVE NOT SLEPT AT ALL AND IM LOSING MY SHIT OVER THAT REPLY GOD )#( hOly fuck )#jiraipink

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binders-and-beanies · 19 days

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.

#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated #can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all #tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump #hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much #and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context #it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten #literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch #which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed #literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is #it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night #I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired #and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled #in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout #and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do #it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back #I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them #and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe #and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos #but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications #both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking #and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me #I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it #this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening #just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours #PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends #this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this #personal #mine #vent post

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beelzzzebub · 1 month

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guess who is so absolutely shit at everything that they are failing at school, won't have the gpa to keep their financial aid at the ridiculously expensive institution they attend, and is probably gonna have to move back home next semester

#boink #it's me #lol #nothing feels real #i just slept for 15 hours #god i hate myself so much #i am such a fucking piece of shit #i was finally starting to settle in here #god im supposed to be in charge of my music group and im literally abandoning them #i finally started to feel like i maybe fit in with them #and now im going to be back at my house #like im in high school #because i cant be trusted to handle myself #things are hard here but at least i started to feel like a person #god i mean i started to feel like an individual #i went to a party this week an i had a good time #i asked someone out on a date for gods sake #these are things that i absolutely never could have done a year ago #and now im going back home #and i wont even be able to say i have school like i used to #that was who ive always been and its just fucking not now #obviously #its like i had the most terrifying realistic nightmare #and when i wake up its actually real #i am going to have to leave all of this #i dont even deserve it anyway #i wish i did #the world is getting so much smaller again

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1ovestay · 1 month

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i made it btw i have officially moved to canada

#not without struggle omfg.. almost missed my last flight cuz the one air nz put me on after they delayed my other flight 6hrs didn’t give me #like any time to get thru immigration lmfao lucky the guy at the counter just stamped us #he didn’t even ask to see any of my documents or anything lmfao #he was like there’s a lot of u and i’m sure u have connecting flights to get to #like GOD BLESS cuz my flight was literally mid boarding when i got to my gate #and i had a moment cuz i had to go out and check in for my last flight manually and then it made me pay $90 for my bags 🤡#so i need to contact air nz about that #i was like fucking whatever i’ll just pay i dont have time for this and ive been travelling for like 26hrs already just get me thereeee #but i’m here nowww i literally slept 12hrs lmfao #p

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anaalnathrakhs · 2 months

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...i'm starting to wonder if i wasn't actually pretty often failed by the adults in my life as a young kid tbh.

#i'm always doubtful where to put the blame #in a morally neutral causality kind of way to be clear #because like. i dont know. if i was the adult. confronted to the opaque behavior of a child. would i have done better?#but also i can't help but think #why the fuck did they make me skip a grade (last grade of primary on top of that) when i was notorious for never doing my homework #and was incredibly inconsistent across topics #like i sucked at math. like ''needs to count on fingers to do a simple addition or substraction'' sucking at math.#like i never learned any multiplication tables sucking at math #like i never got how to pose divisions and still can't at age 18 because logicomathematics are completely counterintuitive to me #and just. the work was never done to make me Get It. my work or teachers' work who knows. but perhaps skipping a grade wasnt the solution #or like #apparently when i was three years old the pediatrician suspected smth was up with me #either autism directly or ''generally suspicious child'' we're not clear on that #but he told my parents. and everybody said ''we better test that'' and then. nothing. idk.#they filled a parental report of behaviors questionnaire for... adhd i think? autism maybe. and that's it. never fucking heard about it.#god. i just remembered my mom saying proudly they almost never put me in the nursery as a kid.#always either with a parent or family or a nanny.#and perhaps mother. you could have foreseen that a kid with no siblings no pets no kid neighbors no playdates. would end up socially fucked #i remember the teachers scolding late students and showing us that we were supposed to be in bed by 9:30 or something #and internally i was like BUDDY AT 9PM WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER #MOM'S BEEN HOME FOR LESS THAN AN HOUR #and shit. i don't know. i was scared of the dark as a child. to the point that even with the compromise #of keeping the door ajar and lights in the hallway (which i had to fucking advocate for btw)#i still slept curled up in the bathroom on a towel sometimes when it got too scary #and i would cry and scream before going to bed. i would beg my mom for sleeping pills from a young age.#i would often find myself in the morning sleeping with my face smushed between the pages of the book i literally fell asleep on #because i read until my eyes gave out #and a couple years later when i got a 3ds i'd play at night and if my dad caught me he'd storm into my room and i'd hide under the comforte #and he'd punch a couple times and whisper-yell at me not to do that and go to sleep #it took until i was about 15yo for me to see a sleep specialist

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invinciblerodent · 4 months

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i am never fucking moving to an apartment that's not on the top floor of a building again

#squirrel speaks #i've not slept more than four hours a night in about three weeks now #because the upstairs neighbor decided that the best time to start walking around and SLAMMING her feet down is 3 am #it's technically not loud enough for us to be able to legally submit a complaint and when confronted she ofc lies and denies it #“it's not me; i was sitting here quietly; that room is empty” bullshit. she's thumping along DIRECTLY above our bedroom.#the whole CEILING is pulsing #i can feel the bed SHAKE UNDER ME with her footfalls #for HOURS AT A TIME #and it's not just me being oversensitive because my partner can feel it too; we're both near-equally agitated by it #tonight the stomping woke me up at 2 am and when it quieted down around 4:30 i went back to bed for a bed #sure enough in about 30 minutes it started AGAIN #so i just. had to sit there and have a little cry #by which i mean about 20 minutes of exhausted wailing #it feels like she's fucking beating my brain with a hammer #i'm overstimulated i'm sleep deprived i'm anxious and depressed and it's just too much #and i'm paying out the NOSE for this shitty apartment with the shitty loud fucking liar neighbors #and the tiny-ass kitchen where i can barely turn around #and the badly assembled hideous ikea furniture that's literally falling apart #ugh don't mind me venting i'm just. exhausted #so bloody exhausted my god #it feels like my brain is leaking out my ears

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polaraffect · 4 months

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current state of politics really got me swerving wildly between "yes I want to present as a man" and "oh god is this even worth it maybe I'm not even really trans" and it's bringing me to my limit