#i just wish i could fix myself and i just cant nothing fucking works
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sorry to keep posting sad shit but like....i was wrong in my last post actually like it really is just fucking awful not to have friends and not to talk to anyone like as soon as it starts to feel better and maybe okay everything hits again and it hurts even more
#its just not fair like why cant i be someone that gets to be loved and is able to love in return why is it all so much harder for me#all i really want is to be understood and held and to not be alone but i just cant have that#like im so afraid to be around ppl now i cant make new friends like i can barely leave the house outside of work and family stuff#and i know all my friends left for a reason and i know its my fault and im the reason im alone and im choosing this#and i dont deserve to be hurt or sad bc im the villain here im the one that was so selfish and awful that i drove everyone away#and i cant do that to more ppl even if i could go out and meet ppl it would just end the same and i cant do that again#i just wish i could fix myself and i just cant nothing fucking works#its just not fair that other ppl get to leave me and have lives and love and friends and im just trapped here in my own brain with nothing#i get its what i deserve and i get im doing penance for all the hurt ive caused and i know i have no right to complain and im sorry
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(Long vent that may mot be ordered right or make sense bc im tired rn)
I’m so fucking done with this life tbh. Like from the bottom of my heart. I wish i can kill myself but im too scared. Thats that damn problem though, im still forcing myself to suffer because im a coward, i cant even make ip my mind to end it. I cant get therapy, or any type of medication because my parents dont care enough to notice even tho my symptoms are very bad. and even when i become an adult, id probably not be able to. I have no dreams for the future, i have no money, nothing. ill probably have to live with them for way longer. And im still not going to be able to kms ofc, im going to live very long and THATS THE PROBLEM. I cant fucking tell snyone irl about my mental issues because im too ashamed. In fact, im so fucking embarrassed that i fake a personality everyday to make myself as perfect as possible. Everyone thinks im really nice, kind, and patient. When in fact im really a fucking shitty person who just pretends to be cool and shit. All because im too fucking embarrassed to admit im mentally ill. How could anyone like me for who i actually am?? Hell, I cant even admit im autistic, even though its nothing to be ashamed of. I just know my parents will laugh at me and id rather die than hear it from them
Im at my fucking limits everyday, and im tired all the time even if notbing even happened. I have anxiety attacks weekly for no reason at all, and no one knows. I hate being this good at masking.
I cry in my room all the time, and sometimes i have to force myself to let it out because im so numb. I hate it when im breaking down and my parents are in the kitchen laughing and enjoying themsleves like its just another day.
I feel so apathetic and nihlisitic. I have felt lonely my entire life because i cant relate to anyone. I know people only like the person they see on the surface, not the person i am inside
Ive told many people online about my issues, and i dont know if its not helping much or im too numb to feel any good emotions. But either way, ive realised that it might hurt me too. Im just normalising living this way more because im able to vent to people without actually getting any professional help. And this is just one out of the billions of unhealthy coping mechanisms i have. But i have no other choice. I need to cope somehow because i cant get treatment, and if these mechanisms dont work, i need to try harder and make myself more ill. Its not like i can be fixed anymore, so oh fucking well.
yesterday, my parents confronted me abt how i always looked tired, they asked me if i was being bullied at school. That pissed me off. Why?? Have they ever took the time to realise they maybe theyre the ones causing it?? No, i am not being bullied, and the only reason for that is my good masking skills. Do i need to get bullied to be ill enough? Am i still not bad enough for you to care??
-🌟
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#borderline culture is#borderline personality disorder#bpd culture is#bpd safe#bpd culture#bpd#actually bpd#actually borderline#tw suicide#cw suicide#tw vent#cw vent#- 🌟
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You have no idea how hands-shaking, looking-down-off-a-cliff scared I was to scroll down when Catra began to say sorry and got cut off. I had to take almost a full minute to brace myself cuz I was so afraid Glimmer would do the thing so many other protags have done where they just accept the apology for the sake of expediency or compassion or their own regrets or to focus on moving forward. Or to excuse away the apologizers actions as not their own because of manipulation or emotion. I've been waiting since Day One for this hoping it wouldn't be like those, especially considered canon didnt even attempt it and that left my love for this series feeling like it was missing a piece.
I could never expected it go this hard. Glimmer's grief and guilt and cold rage feels so tangible, and the sheer strength it feels like it took to both acknowledge and honestly deliver those feelings to Catra with no sugarcoating while not full-on attacking her with them and driving a wedge into the only refuge either of them have from Prime breaks my heart. Acknowledging Catra feels sorry but telling her flat out no apology or atonement could heal this, so if she feels sorry thats her own damn problem. A perfect interstice of emotional fortitude and frailty. I could never have dreamt of a moment this great.
Glimmer was always my fave in canon but this catapulted her into the fucking celestial firmament. The catharsis I'm feeling right now makes me feel like I could jump the goddamned moon. This moment alone is my favorite exploration of grief and forgiveness ive seen in a fandom like this since ATLA's The Southern Raiders. I cant wait to see your spin on the rest of this arc if its even a fraction this good. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this and for this project. Thank you.
This was such a hard scene to write. I'd had some ideas written down for this scene for quite a while, and we almost got a scene where they discussed what they would say to Adora instead, but I thought it would perhaps be more impactful to tackle the subject of Angella head on.
I'm not completely oblivious to the fact that many people wished Glimmer and Catra had approached the topic of what happened to Angella in canon. And again, I'd never say that this blog is a 'fix-it' for the stuff people didn't like, but sometimes there's stuff that I wish had been in the show - this was one of those things.
But knowing I wanted to put in a scene and actually writing it are two different things. I was so nervous when this one went out, because I worried that people would react negatively to it (but you didn't, thanks everyone!). You're right that having Glimmer go "Oh, sure, don't worry about it" would have felt hollow and really undercut the whole 'Angella is dead' thing. But equally, if Glimmer had said "Sorry isn't enough, I hate you and will never forgive you", it would have been hard to reconcile that level of sheer hatred with them working together later on.
I chose Glimmer's words quite carefully here. I wanted to show that her opting to take her mother's actions as one of heroic sacrifice rather than a desperate last-ditch attempt to save Etheria from Catra's mistake was for her own benefit, not Catra's. Glimmer makes that choice to discard Catra's part in it every day because that's the only way she can manage her grief (especially when face-to-face with Catra), not because she wants Catra to feel better. And that rejection of the apology was not so much a "Your apology means nothing" as it was "Don't try and complicate the way I'm dealing with this." Sorry means she has to reconcile that Catra feels guilt. Sorry upsets her grieving process. She doesn't want it.
I'm so excited for everyone to see the rest of this arc, particularly how things develop through Corridors. We'll soon be seeing Horde Prime step up his manipulation of Catra's depression, and more about how that is affecting her and driving her to desperation. But we also get those bittersweet flashbacks, the reminders that Adora has always been on her side - even when they've been on opposing sides of a war. And finally, the climax of the episode where Catra saves Glimmer, and (at least here) leaves Adora with some chilling words. I always feel like I become a better writer with every episode, and I am so proud of some of the stuff you're about to see.
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I swear to god that I'm gonna kill myself soon ughhhh
I wish I could kill myself but like not die
I want everyone around me to cry over little bitch boy max while I continue living
I don't wanna be gone I just want everyone to love me
and the only way they will ever fucking love me is if I get up out if bed and down a aspirin bottle
But I'm to fucking lazy to do that huh?
I'm already snuggled up in bed and warm and to lazy to go one door down and grab a pencil sharper
I'm do depressed to be depressed lmao
And tomorrow I'll see my family,and I'll smile, and I'll tell myself that life's worth living, then I'll see my girlfriend hit me again, then ill be ashamed for my hyperfixations again, then my mom will tell me I have nothing to be depressed about even when she knows a can and will make myself bleed again.
And I cant even let myself bleed
Her and her friends have been talking about me, even though it's been a year since she put words in my mouth
Apparently I show off my self harm even though when I sh I had gym and couldn't help it.
They expect me to cover up and be ashamed
But im not
You can't even see it anymore
And I'm too scared because I don't want her to hate me even though I have not said a single fucking word to her.
I don't want to because when my friend broke up with her girlfriend it was "because she self harms" EVEN THOUGH ALL SHE DID WAS OPEN UP TO YOU
AND ALL YOU DID WAS BLAME HER
AND EVERYONE BLAMES HER
EVERYONE WILL BLAME ME
AND EVERYONE WILL HATE ME
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY
I'm so tired
I want this to be over
I'm so fucking unoriginal
I'm a depressed tean ranting on TUMBLR IN 2022 WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have this bitch looking like the get out of my head poem or all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
And I hate it
I hate that I can't talk to anyone
I hate that no one will read all of this
I hate that I have to convince my girlfriend to even look me in the eye, yet I left a love letter in her locker
Fuck I'm lying now
We don't have lockers
I left it in her art shelf
Which means she probably didn't see it
Why am I writing this?
Shouldn't I just go back and fix the line?
I don't want to
I'm so lazy to do anything
I can't even scroll up and just fix the goddamned line
I can't do anything right
I can't fucking breathe anymore without someone judging me
And if I am anything other then happy I will lose my girlfriend
I'll lose my friends
Again
I worked so hard for friends
New friends I mean
After she blamed me everyone sorta split
One friend stayed with me
4 friends stayed with her
The others sit in the middle
I'm only allowed to interact with them with she's not around
I can say hi to my friends in 7th period
But heaven forbid I even look at their table during art
Ooo she gets mad over that
She tells off my friends for doing stuff with me even though we have theater
I HAVE TO FUCKING PRACTICE
And I ruin their lives too
My in the middle friends I mean
I ruin everything
But I'm not allowed
One of my friends about 2 years back or so had a online friend.
He is (mostly) aroace, but he had a massive crush on his friend.
Then they killed themselves
Then he tried to kill himself
4 times
I got the idea of cutting from him actually
I saw is arm one day
A month later as I was yelling over contacts (fucking pathetic ik) I got the idea
I still had my sharper from the beginning of the year
I'd grab some scissors
Take the blade out
And cut my self
I think my mom knew that night
She kept my out in the living room long enough for it to die down
When I did it I wasn't blinded by rage or sadness
I was entirely sober
Which made it worse
Now I cant be anything but happy
Or he will get sad and make is 5th or 6th attempt
And if I lose him I'm killing myself
One of my friends is my girlfriends identical twin.
We met first actually
And she is definitely jealous I care about her sister more
And of course everything is wrong in her perfect world
Her schedule 'sucks' and that was enough for her to try to kill herself
Twice
And I'm so tired to deal with someone who randomly makes suicide letters in art class and someone who have brake downs after the first mention of suicide
So I have to support her
And him
It sucks
But I have to
Or she'll attempt again
And if I lose her im killing myself
Alright im out of my fit mostly im probably gonna go read smut or watch porn or something
I don't even like porn lmao
If you read this you are a slay 💅
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How am i doing (mainly studies)
I dont fucking know, sometimes im happy often im not. Emotions are sorta vague i feel. Its not that i dont have fun things to do or dont do things that i enjoy its just "meh". Maybe i just lack bigger goals to work towards. Not sure that would fix anything as i dont have a work ethic in the slightest, i cant get shit done even when its like a couple hours till the deadline. I have a general plan in that i am getting a degree(hopefully), but none of the classes do i really pay attention to. I do the mandatory shit and show up for the exam. I couldnt pick out half the lecturers ive had from a lineup just because i cant make myself go to the lectures. Would love to blame it on someone else but i might just need to fucking suck it up and start doing it. Ive tried doing some more work volunteering hoping it would kick my ass into gear, but nothing really yet. It did help sorta with social things tho (might cover that in another post). I just cant make myself focus on a given task for more than a couple minutes before spacing out. I can however spend hours then procrastinating by doing specific activities and feeling awful when i havent done the things i shouldve done. I can even stretch my procrastination over several days. I'll have some big project and three weeks and realize that if i start early i wont have to do too much per day, then wait until two days before do the bare minimum and get a barely passing grade. Its not that i dont know better i just cant make myself fucking do it. Dont get me started on how many times i go out for a walk for several hours in a day rather than being productive either. I just walk the same cycle for like an hour/90 mins and then go inside and dont do work either way. Ill be walking and dreaming of how good things could be if i did my shit and then promptly refuse to do them once i can. I dont see it as self destructive either, it snot some wish i have to fuck up my life i just dont do the things i should.
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i want help.. but i cant ask for help… i have to be big and do things on my own… but i need help… i need help i need help….. i do wish i had a partner who could help me… my friends.. cant… they are all too dependent like me… i’m the one always offering help to them… sometimes they will help me with big things like moving house but its the little things that i need support in… i have a social worker but he doesnt offer the kind of help that i need… UAAAARGH i want my mother. and i want her to be different and to help me. i wish she’d continued to smother me like when i was little… it hurt so bad when she detached that codependency… its a good thing but i never really learned how to do things on my own…… its not fair. i want my old life back why is it so hard to be here. i feel so alone and it all feels so wrong and it feels like there should be an answer or a solution but i cant see it and everything feels so wrong and i cant move and feel my body like i used to it feels so heavy and wrong and i cant see it i cant feel it it feels so wrong i’m so detached i thought i missed the delusions but i can feel them coming and it feels so wrong… fuck this isnt going to work is it i cant live here. i want to fix this so bad i want to be a real person. nothing comforts me anymore. only maybe my phone. which sucks so bad and is why i cant get anything done. i wanted to puke and cut myself so bad last night for the first time in a long time, i mean sometimes i get those feelings but it was really strong. maybe its a good thing. ive been more impulsive lately and maybe its a good thing. feels like when you start taking meds and finally have the enwrgy to try and kill uourself. i feel so broken though and like i cant move. i wish i had my room again. my soul is fucking disintegrating without four walls to keep it contained. i didn’t realise i was so depressed i guess it caught up with me. i guess this is just one single moment in time and these feelings dont have to be permanent at all i can let them go. i can let them go i can let them go i can let them go. i managedto soothe myself yesterday… but then we had to go out and it was horrible i almost could have had a meltdown in public which NEVER never ever happens. maybe its a good thing too. i think ive been masking less lately. it doesnt feel good though. feels horriblw and embarrassing to be myself. this self. it seems so weak and so tiny and so stupid. i want to live alone. i want help. i hate myself for these contradictions. why have i been the same for so long. why did i let it all go one like i had no power over it. when i always did. it makes me really angry to think how easy it has been to almost give up smoking this past week. its been several years of sameness. will it be this easy when everything else suddenly changes as well ? have i always held the power to do so ? why’d i have to ruin my teenage years like this then ? it feels horrible. it feels cruel. why cant i make better choices for myself why cant i take my life i to my own hands. ?!! its horrible. i wish i was anyone else. i feel so close to understanding everything i need to to make the most of life but i just hold myself back every single step of the way. i hate my family for letting me be like this. they had so much more than me. now they don’t even appreciate it. they just teach me all the wrong things and enable my neurosis. i dont know. thats cruel to say. but its how i feel. i want help but ill never let anyone in becuz i cant make anyone understand me. i know its all my fault. i just don’t know how to fix it. i wish i was anyone else. i want to crawl up into the inside of my own brain and die. like a sick old cat. all alone.
#no one should read this (youre allowed it just is awful) i just need to post it for some reason its not good enough just saving to my drafts#i need this shit out of my head and into tje air#self harm#emeto#sorry let me know if this needs more tags
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tw: derealization/dissociation, suicide
mostly venting, but also looking for advice
the past few months have been really hard for me. i realized my favorite person was abusive and toxic and lost him and all but one of our friends, then got very suddenly got into a relationship with my remaining friend. while i was in that relationship for two months, my mental health kind of crashed really horribly and i had a lot of episodes of derealization and suicidal thoughts. i guess that was too much for my partner to handle though, because we broke up and she called me toxic for only reaching out to her when i was in crisis. which, idk what to think about that really, because i kinda get where she was coming from but she was also the only person i had.
and now i have no one but my brother, but its different with him because we dont really get vulnerable around each other and im older than him so i feel like i cant break down around him.
ive felt so incredibly lonely. i have no friends and im haunted by the feeling that its all my fault. that i ruined it and lost all my friends because im selfish. i feel so guilty.
along with that, ive been not really feeling like myself and hating who i am. i want to be a different person. i want to start over. i want to start over so badly and not even to just fix what i fucked up i just want to have a completely different life.
and i know its really bad and fucked up but i wish there was more wrong with me. i wish something bad would happen to me. i want a reason to give up and scream and sob. sometimes i even wish my dissociation was worse so at least i could escape or live in my own head or wherever the fuck just so i dont have to live my stupid life.
and i know its even worse but i think most of all i want something wrong with me so people will help me and give me the attention i want. and i know im selfish but i just want someone to be able to take care of me. i dont want to work anymore im already so tired. i just want to do nothing all day i want to lay down i want to sleep.
Hi anon,
I'm really sorry to hear about the difficult time you've been going through. It sounds like you've experienced multiple losses and have been struggling with your mental health, feelings of loneliness, and a desire for a fresh start.
It's understandable that you feel lonely after losing your favorite person and friends. It's important to remember that relationships can be complicated, and sometimes people may not have the capacity to support us in the way we need. It's not necessarily your fault that these relationships didn't work out, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Loneliness can be incredibly challenging, but there are steps you can take to help build new connections and find support.
When it comes to wanting to be a different person or have a different life, it's natural to feel that way during difficult times. However, it's important to remember that personal growth and change can happen without completely starting over. Exploring new interests, setting small achievable goals, and focusing on self-care can all contribute to a sense of renewal and positive change.
It's also important to address the thoughts you mentioned about wishing something bad would happen to you or wanting attention from others. These thoughts can be a sign that you're in need of some additional support and care. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you explore your emotions, process your experiences, and develop healthy coping strategies.
Please know that you're not alone, and there are people who care about your well-being. While it may feel tough right now, with time, support, and self-care, it's possible to find healing, create meaningful connections, and discover new possibilities in life. Remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.
I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.
-Bun
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im tired im tired im tired im tired
it is an ache that echoes deep in my chest and ive been felling the pulses of sound for years. it will never stop ringing, i will never be free. but i dont even want to because it would feel too empty without it and i wouldnt know what to do with myself, i dont even know what that would feel like but god im tired im so so tired and nobody can tell and i cant find the words to express it to translate those pulses into speech and get some fucking assistance over here
but no no no cant have meds because all i need apparently is just suck it up and let it go and use coping mechanisms to cope and cope and cope until fucking die because its not that bad and you just want to get doped up and hope it fixes your problems.
well excuse me if im tired of this.
excuse me if its been so long that i dont even remember what it felt like to not feel like this and i thought it was better to feel nothing because the anger sorrow despair was horrible, but this is a whole new evil. its fucking agonizing. at least even if it felt horrible i could feel and now even sorrow feels like a relief because at least its something and i feel thankful.
i feel thankful that its gotten so bad that my brain allowed me to feel and the worst part is that theres whispers in my mind tell my its not that bad because youve been worse. youve dont have it as bad. you can get up in the morning and get dressed and go outside and smile at the cashier in the grocery store. you can sit on the phone with your friends and help them. you can do your school work. you can pay attention during class. you can get apply for jobs. you can take care of yourself. you can do all of that, you are capable of it.
but every step feels draining all the time and i cant muster the energy or the motivation to see the point. whats the fucking point it. i can run it over in my head over and over, endless lists of reason as to why i should give a shit but nothing clicks.
i wondered why its suddenly been so hard over the past few years and i realized that my shitty way of maintaining my drive is gone. ive grown numb. its always been hard but i had the gut wrenching fear and anxiety to push me into action, or else, and i thought that was just how i worked and i was fine but now thats gone and im at a loss
im fucking drowning because im out of my depth. its that sudden fear when youre swimming in the ocean and the floor just drops and you cant see beneath you and thats not supposed to happen and god knows what could be lurking beneath
theres no shiny resolution, theres no tidy conclusion
its just ragged tattered remains of a kid who got dealt a shitty hand and now im left to pick up the pieces and put them back together with popsicle sticks, spit, and a wish for hope thats draining by the second
im tired im tired im tired im tired
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i have a really hard time grappling with like. hmm. idk. im bad at talking to people, and communicating, and staying in touch, and this is a problem that ive had for as long as i can remember.
i moved a lot when i was a kid, and was generally just bad at making friends to begin with, so i didnt really maintain relationships at all past maybe a few months. the first time i kept in touch with a friend who i was no longer going to school with was the summer between fifth and sixth grade, when i moved back in with my biological father. my friend katie and i would talk on the phone every couple weeks and i recall really struggling with that. i never had anything to say, so i always just kind of hoped she would talk the whole time. eventually we did stop talking altogether and i feel like thats almost entirely on me. i remember my dad complaining as well about how little i talked on the phone when he wasnt able to see us.
i really dont understand how other people do it! its hard to decide if theres something wrong with me or if this is a behavior that i have that i could condition myself out of with enough work or what.
there was a period of time when i was trying really really really hard to keep in touch with my adopted parents on a regular basis, but even when i did call and talk to them and i didnt have anything to say. how do people ever know what to say? where do the words come from? and it felt so bad to call someone and just yeah uh huh the whole time that i stopped doing it. and text doesnt make it any better! anyone who has ever tried to be friends with me for more than 2 minutes knows that sometimes i just fucking. cant talk. ive got nothing. and its so frustrating to have nothing to say to someone that you actually like and want to talk to. is my brain broken? am i stupid? am i just an asshole?
but its so hard to pick apart, and i can never tell if its a normal thing or not. idk how to fix it. i feel like it is perhaps my single greatest flaw, but im not sure im in a position to make that call accurately. its certainly the thing that has historically pissed people off the most about me.
any its not even something that i can wrap my head around enough to change! like, that image thats like "i wish i wasnt like this" "then dont be" "it isnt that simple" "it really, really is" like i cannot even conceptualize the alternative - i dont understand what is so different about me? what do people say to each other? how do they talk? is everyone else having an entirely different experience of life behind my back somehow? i dont get it! where do the words come from! why are mine different from everyone elses!!!! like what does it even mean to be good at talking? what does it mean to have a conversation? i just *dont get it* and its so fucking infuriating like. why is the shape of this so hard to define. what could possibly be making this so difficult. what the fuck.
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Im doomed and This is my final destination..
Some people are born to set examples while others grow to be made an example of and im becoming one and i dont wanna see how thats going to end for me, other than suicide. Either ways.
My life is so colorless and i can barely get out of my bed to pee
I dont drink water anymore
Or eat much
I haven’t had food in 4 days and im not even phased
Im so unbelievably ill
Its like my depression is so bad it literally paralyzed me, mentally numbed me that i dont even care about my eating disorder, or my manic episodes anymore, everything is meaningless now even my anxieties and nightmares.
I never catch up until the damage is done good.
Nothing ever matters to me.
Mostly because nothing is ever under my control
Ive always felt like an outsider everywhere i went, maybe its cos im fat maybe its cos im black maybe its because im dumb and ugly or just chemically unbalanced.
I have fought to be normal and to belong every single day of my life just to end up failing at every simple little task i dealt with, just like how i failed every single thing in my life, somehow ill always mange to end up being the weirdo and the target.
I don’t understand how people can stand to be in a room with me.
Im the worst friend, the worst person I’ve known all i do is self destruct
Ruin relationships
Make everyone feel so fucking awkward and uncomfortable
Lie lie lie lie
Im so fucking ugly inside and out I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise but ifs impossible to ignore the truth.
Badly wired like shit
Im so sorry for all of this and what i am
I hate myself so much
I cant even look in the mirror without breaking down i don’t recognize myself anymore
Not even photos
I shaved my head and its so grown and i missed all of it
I’ve missed on major life events, mine and my friends unfortunately i cant take that back
It eats me up alive because there is no excuse for disappearing from thr people i love without notice, there is no way i can bring the days back. The hopes and dreams that we had, the lives we thought we were going to lead once we grew older together, your life is going to be much more better than the dreams weve dreamt once upon a time my friend and knowing that makes me the happiest person alive. Im so sorry to any friend i hurt and i might hurt. Im sorry.
I feel like someone ought to understand why im doing what im doing
nobody deserves to be burden with my stupid meaningless issues.
I have no memories or attention spam anyways
I dont remember anything
Ive been erasing who i am
I just thought this was rock bottom yet i somehow still manage to dive deeper to the lowest point
And the drugs dont work anymore and when the music starts to sound more like background noise without any significance to the words, i know my time is near.
Mental illness, lack of religion, brainwashed im probably going to be called all that but for once in my life i want to not care, call me that so fucking what ill be dead anyways we’re all going to die. Isnt life meant to be a test? This is it.
For once in my life i want to have a say in anything, i want to make a decision on my own and i want that to be my first and last decision i make, just once please.
I do miss believing. When i had religion i had peace and sometimes i wish I listened to my parents and never questioned anything, it would’ve been so much better, different, drastically different than this, different waves of depression but with more stability, anything but this. I wanna believe in something again but it’s kinda too late for me because i can barely look at my reflection and believe what i see.
Im so sorry mama n baba, i would kill myself to give you a better life and a different prodigy wannabe daughter but i just keep taking from you im just a waste of money and resources and i cant bare the guilt anymore, I thought I could fix it but im in too deep. The truth is so disappointing and embarrassing i think i would rather do anything than to face you after you learning about who i am, i dont know what to say than im really so sorry from the bottom of my heart the entirety of my being im sorry snd I love you and i love you and im so fucking sorry that i am the way that i am. Thank you for always being attentive thank you for giving me unconditional love and for making me feel the safest ive known, i know its not easy being my parent, you’ve done amazing and youre doing amazing still. You were just kids who didn’t know anything yourself, i wish that you can somehow forgive me. I fear a lot of things in this world but knowing that my parents could disown me and hate me if they learn my truth, it cripples me. I love you so much mama i love you so much baba. I wish i could give you one last hug one last time but youre a thousand miles away.
To my sisters,
My 2 beautiful sisters, you know.
Im the luckiest person to have had my sisters with me in this life. What a ride, The definition of the word sisterhood. I would take a bullet for my sisters in a heartbeat. Im so sorry
About everything, i hope you can forgive me, i know it grows conflict in your religion, but know that i am going to be at peace now and you dont have to worry about your baby sister anymore. Im not your liability anymore. I hope you grow old to become everything you both ever wanted. I love you so unbelievably much. I love you so much and im sorry. Im going to miss you like crazy. Im going to hug you both again someday somehow.
I dont know when but soon ill be gone, i have a lot to say but i dont feel like leaving anything behind because i dont want to be remembered or cried upon, im selfish for thinking that no one would think to shed a tear for me I know its not true but I don’t want to think about it, once again im a lesson to be learned. Its going ti be better for everyone in the long run. I’ll be more beneficial when im gone<3
I remember i was 12 thinking about suicide, then 15 attempting suicide, promised myself that i would take my life by 18, now 22 surprise surprise im still here.
I’ve always been fascinated by death, I’ve always planned my death it became so normal i would daydream about dying before going to bed and I remember when i was younger during my religious phase, I thought that i could kill myself ages 12-15 so all my adulthood responsibilities and the sins that accompanies that gone avoided too.
I remember thinking it wont count id be tried as a child that god will understand why i killed myself and will somehow sympathize and send me to heaven as if “god” is the highest judge in some sort of fancy supreme court or something that id have to defend my soul for that. I was a fucking child but it was smart. I wish ive done it tho; shouldve listened to the voices huh.
Whatever, im just lonely and bored out of my mind, I feel so old worthless and unaccomplished like I became everything i didnt wanna be, and there’s no going back.
Waadeena, you know that i would give you the world x
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I need some help. You know like nobody can get through to me. The thought of another day of this life I'm in. I gotta finish this mothers day card and say goodbye to eliot then I am going to go see if I can find out the final mysteries. You know cuz nobody is listening and turns out this whole thing was for nothing. Like there ain't no drake and I guess eliot isn't God and e he never liked me anyways. So like I cant take care of myself. There ain't nobody want me around I just you know I wish my mom never had me. I mean I don't know what else to say the people around me I mean they hurt so bad too and they aim their guns at me and now I'm so self conscious and anxiety never goes away all my hope is gone i can't God you should just shut this whole world off
It's not gonna work. I want to leap off the overpass freal. I don't want help anymore. Once people help u they think you owe them. And eliot I loved you the most and you just ruined my entire life. For nothing I Haye even 5alking about anything to anyone anymore. Shit just don't even matter. YOU KNOW IM TRYING TO FALL ASLEEP AND NOT WAKE UP MY GUY. U KNOW LIKE FENTYNLNL IS A BEAUTIFUL THING. I TRY TO TEACH THESE FOOLS. THEY DONT LISTEN THEY DONT WANT. Savior they want a scapegoat. U know i could have fixed everything but ya'll to scared and proud to give me credit or save my ass. It's not worth to you to even try my top theory. Please me and make my dreams come true and everyone's will too. Just one girl. Just me and the rest will nah fuck yall imma give up on you guys like there's no more me. I really really liked lionel too. Bye lionel.
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Huuh
I feel so empty rn I might just get rid of myself, how come nothing brings me joy anymore, I cant talk to anyone I know without feeling they despise me, so I just don't speak to anyone. I can't do anything all day, what used to make me happy doesn't make me feel anything anymore. I can't do art at all, I try to pick up a pen and do anything but itll be the same boring thing over and over again. I used to at least have cool ideas. I can't think of anything anymore, I still love hlvrai, a lot, but I can't produce anything that'll bring me the same joy out of it anymore. And even if I did I don't have anyone to share it with, so I'll probably just forget about it and leave it behind.
Something must be wrong with me cause everyone just stops talking to me all the time. I don't even know how to improve. Maybe it's because I'm always busy and can't do things with people, I guess that's fair, but I can't really control that with all the school work I get. I always end up exhausted for some reason and can't hang out with anyone.
Maybe I need to start approaching people myself, I always wait for others to do so, maybe if I wasnt such a pussy I could start a good convo and have people to hang out with again. But I'm not sure how that works so I just, feel like I always do it wrong and people think I'm weird, and I know it's not a good mindset but i don't know how to get out of it. I'm sure the people I look up to reaching won't mind it at all, but I feel like I was so left behind with my knowledge on stuff I won't get many things and mess up, I feel like I know too like for being 15, I don't want to annoy people by asking so many questions. And I don't think I'm funny either, I always end up mimicking whatever other people say to be funny, and sometimes they've gotten annoyed, but I can't really control that either. I tried to, and it kept happening anyway.
I wish I was born as a different person, I've always found hiding behind the facade of a different person comforting, maybe that's why I took benreys name and always think of myself more as if I was him than the real person I am (but still aware I'm my own different person, ofc), but recently the whole benrey thing feels as if Its been messed up for me, after the last person I talked to left, he was forzen, i was benrey, we had this whole connection i think, I felt like we were perfect for eachother, we both agreed on that. and now he's gone. I'm scared I will get as attached to a person again and it's gonna fuck me up. For like the 3rd time now. I feel like it's something stupid to be upset about. I don't want to be that's for sure
I really want friends that don't leave. Even if we don't talk all that much, I want friends I'd safely feel they won't leave me. I don't know if it's my fault or I just keep hanging around the wrong people, I don't want to whine about it. It feels pathetic, but here I am, ig. I would seriously end it all if it wasn't for that fact I was so terrified of death. I'm not even good at dying. Really funny tbh.
I hope someday I get up and make tons of cool art and get brave enough to try and be friends with all the people I look forward to meet and I can come up with cool concepts again and show everyone. Someday, I'll fix myself. Right now, i need to do my homework and be good at school, so I don't have time for that, I guess.
Sorry to anyone reading this shit I just. I am so tired.
#vent#ig#yeah.#sorry to ppst this shit here#i dont want to directly bother anyone and i had to put anything at all somewhere#to feel in the slightles better#i dont know#ill be fine anyway#so it doesnt matter
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Why is everything always going wrong?
I'm starting to slip back into my disordered eating because I've decided the only way I'll get to be loved like I want to is by being skinnier. But my boyfriend is always good to me.
I just looked through his messages and I regret it. He's not cheating on me, I doubt he ever would, but I'm so unbelievably jealous whenever he says a single word to someone that isn't me. It so painful. I'm crying in his bed while he builds a puzzle in the next room because I can't do anything about it. I am so unbelievably unfit for my life and I hate it. I want to die So bad But I'm so scared of death. I'll live even if it means this sort of pain. Feels like I'm always burning with some sort of emotion.
Why won't my friends talk to me anymore? I wonder if I never texted first ever again, would we ever talk? I doubt it by now. I doubt everything. I doubt everyone. I just want to trust people and love people but everything I do is with such intensity that I have to forbid myself. Even the fact that I don't trust anyone is with such high intensity that it hurts. I cant trust anyone. Not my friends. Not my boyfriend. Not myself. When did I last honestly trust someone?
I wish I could swap my brain out for a different one. Life with this one hurts too bad. I can't live a normal life and I can't be cured either. Meds don't work and neither does therapy. I'm just gonna have to be like this forever and hopefully not kill myself, but the average life expectancy for my kind is 20, 3 more years and we'll see I guess.
I love my boyfriend. I love him so intensely but he doesn't have the same to say. That should be okay, most people aren't like me. It shouldn't be expected, I still do though. I cannot regulate my feelings or emotions at all, there is 0 stability in my head and its so scary. Even I don't know what's happen next, the slightest thing will set me off, even my own behaviour, and yet I can do nothing except watch it unfold no matter who it hurts. I just want to die.
And half the time it is actually my fault, half the time I'm the one hurting people, it's always my fault. And I don't know how to fix it. I've fucked up too much I think, not much I can do anymore. I want to make everyone regret ever hurting me. Please look at me. I'm so sad. I'm so tired. I'm so hurt. Please look at me! Please play with me! Please hold me and don't let go first! Please help me! I can't help myself. The lord doesn't see that fit. This is why I deserve to die. I make my problems everyone else's.
A blaming finger will always find someone to point at, everyone except a mirror. Story of my life, I can't take any accountability. This is all my fault. I should've killed myself back when i actually would've had the guts to. None of this would've happened. I should get it over with. But I'm far too frightened now.
I kinda wish he'd cheat on me. Then I could leave and people would feel bad for me. He'd be the bad guy. I want him to be the bad guy so bad. I want to be validated in my iraational feelings and thought. I want justification. It's killing me. And yet ironically, my death wouldn't be justified. I'm disappearing slowly and I cannot wait for the day I lose myself, I'll finally be able to become free then maybe.
He said yesterday that he didn't want to hang out and I ended up having a panic attack and forcing him to hang out with me. I'm so utterly lonely and broken inside that I cannot be away from the only person I lobe for more than a couple hours. Yet the next 2 nights I'll sleep alone and I have no idea how ill handle that, probably another attack. I really do wish I could be a happier girlfriend but there is such a deep and rotten sadness in me that I don't think I'll ever achieve that, this is why I love the broken girls I read about and watch, I understand them, I don't blame them, I woukd take care of them. That's all I ask fof
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sorry for the fuckin vent but idk where else im supposed to put this bullshit
trigger warning, pls scroll past this post if u want, theres a lot of yucky/sensitive topics
man whenever i remember some shit i just start fuckin sobbing man
i had this friend, this friend was like a parent to me and then this fuckin asshole just,, ruined me. mf ruined me and i didnt see through that until like, what, a few months ago? ive had countless breakdowns when i remember the damage and one of those instances is right now hahh i fuckin hate this hoe sm. the worst FUCKIN PART is that they got away with it. and i just. man. i hope the road to hell is agony for this son of a bitch. i need to stop talking about the situation, nothing will come out of it. nothing will fix the wound. if i called this hoe out it wouldnt do shit. it'd be like putting a bandaid on a huge wound. the fact that she made me so ashamed and disgusted with myself that i nearly fuckin relapsed and almost tried to hurt myself. i fucking hate this. i really fuckin do. i have to live with the constant guilt. the constant fuckin guilt. i thought i was smart and didnt think i could be taken advantage of. but i was wrong. so fucking wrong. i fucking hate myself so fucking much right now. i wish i didnt become friends with this fucking degenerate. i wish i didnt have to live with that constant empty feeling in my chest, that huge fucking weight on my shoulders, carrying the damage that theyve caused me. i feel empty right now. i feel so fucking shitty. i fucking. god. i cant do this anymore. my old work is just awful relics, constant painful reminders of the shit i did because of them. when i see my old work i see a horrible person. i see degeneracy. it legit shit feels like a stab in the heart when i remember why they exist. i wanna fucking dox them. i wanna fucking HURT THEM. i hate how much i played it off as "i was just cringe" but no this son of a bitch hurt me so fuckin bad. i hate this. i fuckin hate them. god i fucking hope she dies.
update i wanna be a fucking mari kinnie right now.
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TW: idk what to put here i judt know i say shit
Also i managed to lose my cashaop card through this so idk i think im just bound to be a fuck up the rest of my life. A bumbling mess of a nigga. I dont even know if i can call myself a nigga. Like i still like the ssme shit i been liked i just kinda do it more openly with some feminine shit. Back wuen we first broke up and inwas disconnecting some stuff from the tv, i saw the fabled breakup playlist he made. I saw something like "He wasnt man enough" or in that branch of stuff. And like. I guess you're right. Be like that idk what to tell you. Maybe i just dont know myself and its crazy that i even try to act like anything.idk what im saying. I just cant talk to the person i want to about shit. Just ruins a mood and nothing happens. I keep saying i dont need him to wanna get back together. But honestly my heart bleeds for that niggs every day like i do. I really hope its just me having bi-polar or whatever because i hate the feeling i have everytime i pour out my feelings just to get some dry dead response. But i also hate that that bothers me. Like if the person i love doesnt love me that hurts, but also what am i gonna do? I can't force shit. I dont wanna force shit. I wish we could just openly talk about everything for once and actually fix it even if it meant a long term thing we'd be working toward separately for a while. I just feel so fucking thrown away, like a fucking stand in. Im the first ex? Thats a finality talk. Thats "not a chance in hell" from the nigga who beilieved in fate bringing us together. I guess it works the same in breaking apart. Im not mad. Im not botter but Goddamn does it all hurt. The roles arent reversed. When i tried to break up with you while mad, you said "ok" i took it back immediately because inhad only ssid it whike made and in the heat of shit but it was a angry but calm "ok". It was the beginning of the end and i knew it then. And tried to do better. Shit got worse. I got worse. I tried drowning nyself in alcohol. I smoked tobacco heavily because honestly i hated everything. Him not apsrt of that hate but also getting it because it was so much. If i felt he was snspping on me or targeting me in some way, now in a fucking dick. I get in trouble while were at work or they ask me about something hes doing or didnt do, im upset I DONT CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT SHIT. I JUST WANT MY PARTNER BACK.
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I feel so fucking annoying right now I just want to go home I want to go back to only knowing them online this was a fucking mistake im bothering them so fuckjng much everything is coming. Back to haunt me. I’m going to lose them next I wish I could say something but I fucking cant everyone feels like shit and I want to make them feel better but I’ll only bother them thats all I can fucking do I shouldn’t have joined the server I should have just stayed alone like I was supposed to im like this for a reason it’s pointless to try to fix it I can’t go back to who I was no matter how ingrained it is into who I am as a person I’m just broken I can’t help anyone I can’t help myself I just want to go home and never talk to anyone again it’s not their fault but I need them to stop being mad because believe me I fucming know every single flaw about myself already and there’s nothing I can fucking do and I feel so bad because I’m trying so hard but I can’t all I can do is bother everyone I miss the first few hours of the park yesterday it was so nice we all had fun I didn’t feel totally hated yet this is just like high school I’m about to fucking lose everyone and everything f again i cant do it I don’t know if I can I can’t handle losing everything again I worked so fucking hard i care about them all so much and I hate it so much I feel so bad for everything about myself I want to continue being friends but I think it’s too late I can’t help anyone
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