#i just needed to went
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The problem of boobs
So I'm translating a part of the novel The Holy Man of Mt. Koya (高野聖) by Izumi Kyoka for my final paper this year. And the thing about Kyoka is, he chooses his words in ways so eccentric it makes your head spin.
One thing that had me thinking recently is his usage of the kanji 乳 when speaking about a man's chest. There are 2 instances of that in the opening chapters of the novel:
In Chapter 7, the narrator says (about himself), "うむとこの乳の下へ念仏を唱え込んで [...]". In the english translation Charles Inouye renders this as, "and, with the nenbutsu on my lips, [...]". More literally it means something like, "and, humming the nenbutsu towards my chest [i.e. under my breath, presumably]".
In chapter 8, the narrator says (again describing his own experience), "乳の下へ潜んで帯の間にも一疋", which Inouye translates as, "another [leech] had worked its way into my kimono and was hiding on my chest".
There is no denying that normally 乳 is the word for 'breasts' and is used specifically in relation to women. Kyoka himself uses it in that meaning in later chaplers.
I'm nothing even close to a native speaker, but i have formed the impression that in modern japanese the basic option in both cases above would be 胸, 'chest' (also, figuratively speaking, 'heart'). If there's a specific word for male boobies, i'm not aware of it. So, why 乳?
The first thing that occurs is that for some reason Kyoka wanted to avoid the word with a hint of a double meaning (胸), but this idea doesn't hold up as Kyoka thrives on layered meanings and making the reader guess. And 乳 doesn't mean precisely the same.
Having read even a few chapters of Kyoka's work, it's easy to see his peference for unconventional spellings. For instance, he always writes the word for a person's head as 天窓 (あたま) instead of standard 頭 (this seems to be consistent across different works). Note the reading written beside in kana: it needs to be specified bacause the word 天窓 normally has a different reading. My favourite case of this kanji/reading disparity is this: 停車場 (ステイション). Here Kyoka basically writes the (probably rather recently coined) kanji compound for 'train station' and then breaks out katakana to explain it with a loanword of the same meaning.
Maybe, the reason behind 乳 is simply that Kyoka felt fond of it in some way. The only trouble I find with this explanation is the lack of an explanatory reading above.
Speaking of readings, in this article Izumi Kyoka and Language Inouye quotes recollections of some Kyoka's relative, describing his "eccentric regard for certain sounds". For instance, he avoided the syllable ge, as to him in sounded "vulgar" and was in turnd comforted by the syllable na. This might be a bit far-fetched, but perhaps something in the reading of 胸 was unpleasant to Kyoka and he had to create a work-around.
Finally - and this IS too far-fetched, but I'm just making things up off the top of my head here so bear with me - the use of 乳 for a man sort of fits with the themes. The main character/narrator of the story is a monk. His narrative foil is a brash, almost toxically masculine tradesman. This conforms to Kyoka's favorite archetype (as described in his only english-language biography "The Similitude of Blossoms", again, by Charles Inouye): his sympaties lie with the unassertive, emphatic young man. In this light the lexical grafting of a female form onto the protagonist may be read as an attempt to further soften his image by way of feminizing it. Certainly, the opposite transformation - that of the violent masculine body into (literally) bestial - is a crucial part of the story.
Of course, neither does this supposed feminine transformation of the hero appear in the right place in the plot to make any such impact, nor is Kyoka's feminine unequivocally good and gentle. This idea requires further thought to fit into the world of the story properly.
Meanwhile, instead of thinking I'd like to suggest my personal favourite reading: literal. The narrator has boobs. He's trans. There, I won diversity for you.
(Alternatively, call this the Eowyn Solution. Oh, the character escaped the witch who turns all men into animals? well that's cause they are no man.........)
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Read The Holy Man of Mt. Koya in "Japanese Gothic Tales", trans. by Charles Shiro Inouye, 1996
Also, in addition to previously mentioned pieces by Inouye, you can check out Metamorphosis: Fantasy and Animism in Izumi Kyoka by Cody Poulton - a (repulsively Freudist) article about transformations in Kyoka's prose
#音topic#izumi kyoka#koya hijiri#this is almost certainly won't make it into the final paper itself#i just needed to went#i love reading the story it's really good very beautiful#but also most of the time i sit there 1.5 sentences into translating the newest chapter like wtf is that supposed to mean????#btw just to make it clear i'm translating the original into my native language#and use the english translation as the second opinion when i see no other way to understand what a phrase means#and even then it sometimes is of no help bc it is only a literary translation#also bc Kyoka was the king of using words in ways previously unknown to dictionaries and also just plain words unknown to dictionaries
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I know one of my strengths is accepting when I made a mistake and accepting the blame for it without pointing fingers. I actually know some attendings appreciate it, but even if they didn't, I pride myself on this.
But maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't be so quick to accept all the blame.
Here's this patient. They are going to die. I forgot to do a Clotpro or any other POC clotting test, and according to protocol, I really should have. Logically, I'm profusely aware that it wouldn't have made such a difference. And that it wasn't my fault, I gave my best and actually gave the patient a second chance even if it was oh so slim.
The patient was high risk, for one. There was a massive surgical bleeding, which bloodloss by all means is causing the patient's death. I started treating them the right way. And there's also the fact that after it was evident that it's an "oh shit" moment there were and attending and an almost-attending right there in the OR with me, helping me with this patient and effectively taking over the case, and even they didn't think of ordering a clotpro.
I know it's not my fault. I've probably made worse mistakes than this before, without even noticing those.
But then someone asks, "Why didn't you order that test? Now it's too late for that." And I just nod and say "Sorry, I didn't think of it" and feel like crying for the rest of the night.
#medblr#residency chronicles#might delete later#not sure yet#i just needed to went#so that maybe i will listen to myself for one#i had a tough week#so glad i have tomorrow off time to drown these kinds of thoughts#death mention
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the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.
three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.
two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.
their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.
one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.
i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.
i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.
and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?
you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.
a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.
someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.
#writeblr#warm up#this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru#but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist#ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school.#like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it.#was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes.#but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create''#when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work#part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just#like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent.#speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r#ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week#this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice.#''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism#imagine if we said that about literally any other profession.#''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt?#u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky''#we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY#''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''
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*proceeds to drink the whole bottle*
Yeah Alastor you're gonna be loved and appreciated wether you want it or not :)
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel fanart#hazbin alastor#hazbin rosie#radiorose#platonic radiorose#qpr radiorose#even tho they have no idea what label to put on their relationship at this point#hazbin comic#comic#my art#autodesk sketchbook#it probably looks ooc from alastor to react like this but poor man has only learned his whole life that relationships have a hierarchy#“marriage > a simple friendship” in his brain and it's confusing for him that Rosie would put her friendship with him over that#also Rosie was pissed of how terrible her date went and as soon as she comes home Alastor sides with her ex husband#just to explain why she got angry so quickly basically they couldnt really understand each other that's why they got angry#I love cute fluffy radiorose but its good to see them argue sometimes eheh#I needed to get this idea out of my system and made it into a whole comic
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touching grass is not enough i need to see the night sky as it looked to an ancient greek
#tagamemnon#recently went to a talk on practical astronomy in ancient greece and i just.#i need to travel somewhere without light pollution GOD!!!!! I WANT TO SEE THE SKY AS PEOPLE LISTENING TO THE ODYSSEY#queueusque tandem abutere catilina patientia nostra
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they should go on a fishing trip pt.1
#DONT COMMENT ON THE BACKGROUND I KNOWWWWWWWWWWWW#anyway this is day 1. they take a bus. the bakugo household has fishing gear so ´deku is wearing bakugo's onesoe (?) and bakugo is wearing#his dad's. and notices he has grown :')#anyway they take a BUS and don't feel like doing this at all it's awkward for so many reason#also trying to relax after everything is neurologically just really hard they might be hyperivgilant dik#and there's so much they never got to unpack bnut they have to and they have to start somewhere and with someone#deku makes that flower crown while bakugo preps everything and they both look at it and are thrown back into their childhood 🧍♀️🧍♀️🧍♀️#and at first they just sit and wait for the bavarian fish to bite (rody should make a cameo tbh) but then bakugo breaks the iceeee.#and he starts with their moms because their moms have been such a stubbron connection between these two :')#and deku answers with the usual 'good :) how's your mom :)?' and to everyone's surprise he actually opens up#and tells deku about his mom's insomnia because she watched her son die (that shit was live streamed tpo 10 bnha tweets btw)#idk i love to think of their moms being a very easy subject to connect through i think it's easier for them that way to be more vulnerablei#and then some fish biteeeeeeeeeeee#but like 3 small ones so they have to gather berries and mushrooms and make stew (dw there's an aldi this is bavaria after all)#but yeah day 1 is a bit weird like it's just them in the woods with no distractions#which is so different from whatever went on during their 1st year of high school#don't read this i will throw up i just need this somewhere this is my public scrapbook#bnha#deku#midoriya izuku#bakugo katsuki#the flower crown on their knees makes this a bit homosexual but fishing is always homosexual im not fighting against that#au:#fishing
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I like to imagine Husk takes Alastor to the movies when he's pissed at him cause he knows nothing else could ruin his night like a bad movie.
#hazbin hotel#alastor#hazbin hotel husk#radiohusk#hazbin hotel fanart#once again i spent far too long just to illustrate a headcanon but its okay i don't need sleep#niffty went with her but they forgor her al was just fuming too much
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more funny things that happened on my first watch of nimona
ID by @peachygos
[ID: A comic juxtaposing screenshots from Nimona 2023 and drawn panels of two people on a couch, one wearing a cap and the other glasses. First is Ballister kneeling in front of the Queen, as she says "Congratulations, Sir Boldheart." Cap says, "OK!! Calling it right now! Queen's gonna die & they're gonna think he did it." Glasses says, "You think?" Cap continues, "Yup! Said in the summary that he's accused of a tragedy. They're gonna find her stabbed w/ his sword by the morning. Maybe during a party or smth." Glasses says, "Hm... Maybe-"
The second image shows just the two on the couch, washed in green light from the screen as the Queen dies. They look at the screen in gaping shock, then at each other.
The next screenshot is of Ballister clutching at his shoulder with a grunt of pain. Both people lean forward in focus. Glasses says, "Wait- did he cut off his whole arm-?" Cap says, "No! Nah, he just knocked the sword out of his hand, I think. Maybe his shoulder got hurt & he's holding his arm back?" Glasses says, "Dude I don't think-"
The final screenshot is a continuation of the previous shot, the camera zooming out to show Ballister clutching his shoulder, and his severed arm laying in the foreground. Both characters silently watch the screen in shock. Glasses gasps and covers their mouth with their hand. /end ID]
#nimona#nimona movie#nimona spoilers#my art#THE FIRST TEN MINUTES OF THE MOVIE GODDAMN#i need to reiterate we went into this completely blind#this was such a fun movie we were laughing so fucking hard in some parts#these are just the moments that stood out to me lmao#edit: thank u so much for the ids! i really appreciate it!!! :)
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The heart of the universe 💫
A speedpaint video of this will be available at my Patreon on december 1st!
#doctor who#dr who#DW#tenth doctor#david tennant#my art#okay maybe on december 2nd at this rate because I just came back home from a trip a few hours ago and I have a ton of work to get done stil#I also went straight to the doctor (the actual one) because of the swollen face and turns out they don't know what it is and I need a MRI#great wonderful fantastic I'm not scared at all I'm so brave about it.. anyway here is my comfort little man
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the way that one line from the new epilogue in an astarion romance is going to HAUNT me
just. what a profoundly intense thing to confess to someone.
like, just these six months of newfound happiness with you exerts a force on his heart equal and in direct opposition to two centuries of endless torment, the gnawing hunger and exploitation. this flashbulb-bright fraction of his long life holds the same gravity to him as years upon years of darkness and suffering.
in all likelihood, he hasn’t even known his lover for as long as his worst memory lasted, that year sealed away to go mad from starvation and sensory deprivation, yet he still tells them this brief time has been so fundamentally and powerfully important that the weight of even that unimaginable hell is vanishingly small compared to this present he has now and the future ahead of them both.
how am i supposed to act normal about this.
#i need to lay down#just drop this in there right at the beginning why not!#that’s INTENSE. and completely sincere considering his demeanor at the party. god#he’s so… nice. in the romanced epilogue. i expected him to be a little smug and jokey#if tav told him the others weren’t doing so hot without the two of them around#but he takes it so genuinely and with visible disappointment?? literally shocked me#i thought he would say oh of course their lives have taken a turn without our impressive leadership lol!#and then redirect into something a little less flippant#but man. he just gets sad. astarion six months into a loving relationship is like a stray cat that instantly gets cuddly when you adopt it#dude went cotton candy marshmallow saccharine sweet in a HEARTBEAT#bless the others with your presence he says. i’ll always be here he says. we have forever after all he says.#head in my hands. how could they do this to me#astarion ancunin#astarion bg3#astarion#bg3 epilogue spoilers#bg3 spoilers#baldur’s gate 3 spoilers#bg3
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posting a gift wip since I know my siblings aren't on here haha
#rug hooking#wip#purely personals#fabrication#older sis is getting a swan and bb sis is getting an otter#went out today and donated a bunch of yarn at an art supply swap thing#was nice that they had small amounts of yarn/not full skeins that other people donated#because I don't really need a whole ass skein especially if it's solid color#I just want bits and pieces so I can do stuff like the swan background#like this a lot more than latchhook; like latchhook would be pixel art and rug hooking is more like drawing/more freeform#oH it's also nice that all that yarn I prechopped for latchhook I can still use for rug hooking haha#also went to a fabric store and it was crammed full of stuff and the yarn selection was actually really nice#will def go back
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Hot take maybe but I think Bertie would be FAR more likely to survive the first two months of Dracula than Jeeves would be. Bertie has a healthy sense of self-preservation. Jeeves consistently underestimates how dangerous a situation might get (Steeple Bumpleigh, the club book) because he’s overconfident about his level of control over any given situation. He'd handle Dracula masterfully if they faced off in England, but on Dracula's home turf? Much more doubtful.
I realize this might be a tough sell, so I will explain further (or it's not a tough sell, and I'm going to explain further because I want to). (criteria taken from @canyourfavesurvivecastledracula) Without further ado.
Would Jeeves and Wooster survive Castle Dracula?
Jeeves
Jeeves' survival will depend on how long Dracula finds him more entertaining than irritating. On that basis, I don't think he's long for this world. On the one hand, he has a huge wealth of knowledge about English society and culture that he can recite perfectly from memory. That should buy him at least a little time with noted teaboo Dracula.
On the other hand, he would be absolutely no fun as a vampire plaything. Jeeves cannot be got. Sneaking up on him while he's shaving will yield zero reaction (though that's at least good for his short-term survival--given that, although he DID take the crucifix from the old woman out of politeness, he certainly isn't going to wear it. The rules of fashion don't go out the window just because you're in a spooky castle). Then, although managing the whims of rich jerks is not an insignificant part of a valet's job, Jeeves usually does this by bending his employers to his will. Dracula is not the sort of employer this will work on. It'll just add insult to injury when on top of being impossible to scare, NOW Jeeves is telling Dracula that his favorite cloak is several centuries out of fashion and he's not allowed to wear it anymore.
Jeeves will 100% go exploring in the areas he was told not to go-- though to be fair, he MIGHT actually get away with this, what with his superpower of appearing in rooms without being seen or heard. Said superpower might save him from the brides as well (though this is by no means guaranteed). Since I find it doubtful that Dracula would come to rescue his annoying ass, not being noticed is his best defense.
There are a couple other things working in Jeeves's favor; the question is just whether they'll be enough to save him.
He DOES know shorthand, and could try to send coded letters. He might even have the foresight to squirrel away some extra stationary where Dracula can't find it. But could he get them posted? Would it even do him any good?
He certainly has enough cultural literacy to figure out what his new boss is pretty quickly. If he didn't chuck the crucifix out the carriage window, he might start carrying it around in his pocket.
Psychology of the individual, sure, but the individual in question is a 400-year-old vampire who lives in an isolated castle in a foreign country and is regarded as a terrifying mythological figure in the surrounding villages. Jeeves has never come up against anything this alien before, he's cut off from his normal resources, and opportunities to play people against each other are limited.
He probably has enough upper body strength from all that shrimping and fishing to climb the wall, so he COULD escape if he wanted to, if he survived long enough. It's just, again, that overconfidence, and also Dracula has a vast library full of rare old books that are entirely at his disposal. He's keeping his eyes and ears alert for potential escape strategies, of course, but I don't see him being as desperate to get out as Jonathan was.
There are just a lot of "depends on"s here, and I'm not convinced that luck would shake out in Jeeves's favor, all things considered.
Bertie
Bertie is so perfect for the job of Castle Dracula Prisoner it's like it was made for him. Think about it. Being held against his will in big manor houses comes more naturally to him than breathing. He's afraid of things that are scary. A lifetime of dealing with Aunt Agatha has made him the world's preeminent expert in "curl[ing] up in a ball in the hope that a meek subservience [will] enable [him] to get off lightly." He will NEVER go exploring in places he's been warned away from if nobody is forcing him to (Rev. Aubrey Upjohn's office notwithstanding. There were biscuits in there). He's both fun to talk to and easy to toy with (and extremely English). A+ prisoner. Dracula adores him.
In my opinion, Bertie is at Castle Dracula either because Aunt Agatha got some wires seriously crossed and thinks he’s going to meet an eligible potential bride (I mean, there are certainly brides there), or because Dracula has something Aunt Dahlia wants him to steal (far less likely, given that one of Dracula’s THINGS is famously not owning anything silver). Either way, he's shown himself entirely willing and able to escape down drainpipes if a sitch gets too scaly.
He DOES take the crucifix, and DOES wear it (which is what will save him during the shaving scene, because you KNOW he's going to jump a foot and cut himself like the dickens). He's read enough supernatural goosefleshers to be genre savvy about terrified old women cryptically pushing crucifixes into one's hands. I also think his sunny disposish endeared him to the villagers, and they were particularly vehement about urging him not to go. He doesn't speak German or Romanian, but he's empathetic enough to recognize Pure Terror. So by the time he actually gets to the castle, his imagination is already running wild and he's plenty aware that he is in imminent danger.
I think the biggest risk to Bertie will be the brides; whether or not he's susceptible to trances, if he thinks they're trying to marry him, it's against the code of the Woosters to turn them down. But that only becomes an issue if he comes face to face with them, which, luckily, I think is unlikely on account of the aforementioned "won't go exploring" (and if he did, Dracula would definitely rescue him).
I'm inclined to say due to his drainpipe-escape habits that he WOULD be able to climb the wall and MAY attempt to sneak into Dracula's room to look for the keys if his desperation grows to outweigh his fear. Whether he does or not, though, he does NOT have the stomach to attempt shovel murder, and therefore won't get magic brain fever, and may very well simply walk out the front doors when the people come to take the boxes away. OR he climbs his way out like Jonathan did. Either way.
When Bertie tells this story at the Drones later, Tuppy will say that no doubt it's been greatly exaggerated and all that probably happened was that he spent a couple months in an oldish house entertaining a weird loner.
#do YOU think jeeves and wooster would survive castle dracula? let me know in the comments!#they're in the castle separately instead of together because those are the rules ok#the isolation is key#though if anyone wants to speculate about what would happen if they went together i will NOT complain#i don't even know what's going on with the tenses in this post i'm sorry#//#jeeves and wooster#reginald jeeves#bertie wooster#dracula#do i need to tag dracula spoilers?#sure there are some people new to receiving letters from our good friend jonathan harker#here it is just in case:#dracula spoilers#i have done my due diligence
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One wedding and three funerals
Background paintings under the cut
#tomgreg#succession#tom wambsgans#greg hirsch#shiv roy#roman roy#kendall roy#yeah no im not tagging everyone thats too much#this is me going 'how much implications themes and symbolism can i fit in one painting'#yes i gave rose shivs haircolor. if we ever find out how she looks like and its not like this im just gonna pass away i guess#but yeah i hope yall connect the dots#i put waaay too much thought and work into this. i was googling pictures of all the actors as kids just for reference (sigh)#honestly kinda wanted to make tom and greg link pinkies as like. a pinkie promise. but that was too hard to draw in this angle#at least not without obstructing the view of the ring which is important to see so ya#my fave is actually the tomshiv wedding pic i went off with that. i love them... they should have run away to become sheep farmers fr fr#anyway im so glad im done with this UGH!! finally i can draw smth else without being like oh noooo i need to finish this#i see a lot of you wondering why there is no portrait of logan but one of ewan#it's bc the placement of the painting represent their standing. logans portray would not hang next to the stairs#his present portrait hangs at the end of it. all the way up at the top. alone and withering away#basically the picture you see underneath ewan to the right? its where toms parents would be. the right side of the wall is tom and gregs#and the left one is the roy siblings theirs. since they grew up rich rich. and tom and greg didn't#but ya thats why ewan hangs here and logan does not :)
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so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.
first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.
it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.
and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.
you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.
and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.
your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.
in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.
in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.
so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.
you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.
once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.
and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"
you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?
hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!
you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.
we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?
#where's the word woman in this u might wonder if u suck#good news i am nonbinary and have a uterus so that is something that can happen#im also gender fluid tho which means im immune to certain psychic damage bc if u call me a woman i'll be like <3 okay <3#writeblr#the tightrope of ''ppl need access to this''#and like also#''what the fuck is going on over there'' is like. so difficult as an activist#i was <3 punctured <3 during mine#and almost bled out on the table :) they didn't have anyone standing by bc it's ''just a little insertion''#so i started crashing and i vaguely remember apologizing for the fuss as i heard my heart rate monitor start going <3 tachycardic <3#she wasn't even a bad doctor tbh#ps btw the reason i even HAD a heart monitor is that i have a genuine heart condition and they knew GOING IN that there was a chance#i'd crash on the table#like my heart just likes to do fun little tricks and <3 stop working <3 (i do not want to discuss the specifics ty i am okay im ontop of it#and they were like 'oh u will be fine' and then she did do a puncture thru my uterus . pop!#and im sitting there dizzy and feeling my heartrate start to drop bc it feels almost. beautiful. like. the whole ground just#woosh! out from under you. and shit is like grey's anatomy. i'm looking up at her grey eyes#she's old she wears this nice shawl she's like got Cool Lesbian vibes and people are sprinting into the room#from other parts of the clinic unrelated to me. while the monitor is like a little aria singing#and shes like hey youre okay stay awake stay with me something went wrong we have to keep trying#and i remember thinking - i was trying to think of nice things. i have so many beautiful places that now overlap#with this terrible memory#i became dimly aware that there was too much on her wrists and hands. like#that was too many liters#and then when they had finished all this. i packed up and drove myself home#i have had (bad thing) happen to me. and the same feeling happened after#that numb almost lamblike bleating. you cry without noise. like. ur body is so shocked and ur mind so empty#you just stare at the road and everything everything is happening behind glass and static and you are standing so far away from it#while you hold ur hands at 10 and 2. and something in ur brain is SCREAMING at you - IT WAS BAD AND IT SHOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED#and ur just watching the alarms in your body going off and youre thinking. a little pinch! ha. i think i just lost something important.
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truly this one's just for me. I can do what I want foreverrr
#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year#adaine abernant#figueroth faeth#kristen applebees#riz gukgak#gorgug thistlespring#fabian seacaster#việt phục#tbh the thing Im the proudest of in these sets is the skirt hike+áo tấc flap combo. and of course that went to riz lol#will use that again for other things later down the line. for now we play dressup. come play dressup game with me#some of these couldve done with more cookin time maybe... I feel like. for example adaine's gorgug's and fabian's silhouettes are#a bit too similar for my taste#esp. adaine and gorgug. fabian I feel like I just need to make his waist more apparent#and I really like what Ive got with adaine rn... just gotta rethink gorgug#lmao. the dilemma with using áo tấc is it's generally a rectangle#this never stops me however. if I like a guy enough I Will give them a set#it's not about them it's about me. its for me babeyy#also I love the way scabbards are worn in wuxia. like its just dangling back there#guess the amount of fabrics those characters have on mostly immobilize it. just a real good cushion
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astarion studies because i can never get the bastard’s face right
(my boyfriend also contributed)
#art#bg3#baldur's gate 3#astarion#i traced over screenshots and just went with it#i needed to get his level of cuntyness just right#his smile lines are so special to me
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