#i just love when awful terrible people are awful terrible people but they have these pockets of genuine and deep care and affection
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when i was drowning - [p.jackson]
wordcount: 0.7K
warnings: almost drowning
requested: yes!! @thegirlwhosimpstoomuch6190
I should have known going swimming on my own would become a disaster. But technically, it was also the best day of my life.
Being a daughter of Hades is hard. Being the sister of Nico di Angelo is hard. Being a demigod is hard. But being in love with Perseus Jackson? That is the opposite of hard.
His sea green eyes that sparkle when he laughs. How he runs his hands through his scruffy black hair, making it even messier. How he fights with his shiny sword like nobody's watching. How he cares for the new campers, jokes with his friends, and always eats blue food if he can manage it.
I think it’s impossible not to fall for Percy Jackson. It’s the easiest? most natural feeling in the world.
Anyways, I’m a bit of a loner. Most campers don’t tend to want to hang out with the creepy death twins, so both Nico and I decide to be alone most of the time. Over the years here at camp, Nico has been in and out a lot, shadow travelling all over the world and even into hell once.
I’ve stayed here at camp all this time. I spend my time alone. I’ve tried to redecorate the Hades cabin (Nico made some terrible decisions as a young child and I am desperate to fix it). I do classes alone or sometimes with the Apollo kids (Will Solace is dating my brother, and he is like a brother to me).
Sorry, I’m getting off topic. Solangelo does that to people.
So on that shiny summer morning, Im walking down the dirt path to the lake. I’m glad I’m alone. I’d never dare to swim with someone else. No that anyone would want to do that with a Hades kid. We’re “creepy and dark and mysterious” or whatever. Which isn’t true. Yeah, I’m a introvert, but so are a lot of other people.
I have the weirdest feeling someone is watching me. I whirl around, but see nothing. Huh. I decide to ignore the strange feeling and just relax a little.
I wander down to the canoe lake, strip down to my sports bra and bike shorts, and dive off the end of the pier.
Unfortunately, I misjudged my dive. I landed wrong, felt my leg bend weirdly, and plummeted into the water. My head hits something hard, and everything goes black.
The next time I open my eyes, they see the somewhat blurry ceiling of the infirmary. Yellow light fills the room, warm and sunshiny and very Apollo cabin themed. I’m not sure I like this aesthetic so much.
“Y/n!”
It’s Nico. He rushes over and sits down on a stool beside me. “Damn, are you okay?”
I groan, my head suddenly spiked with pain. “Um. I think so? What the hell happened?”
Nico raises an eyebrow. “Y/n, you almost freakin drowned. What were you thinking? Going to swim alone?”
“I’m sorry,” I say, wincing. “So… what happened?”
Nico gives me a look. “You hit your head, we think. You would’ve drowned, you know. Except for Percy…”
I’m immediately paying attention. “Percy?” I ask curiously.
Nico looks slightly amused, and also annoyed. “Yeah, Percy Jackson. You were gonna drown, but he saved you. Lucky he happened to be walking past, which is weird, cause he was supposed to be at archery practice then.”
I flush slightly. “He… he saved me?”
Nico nods. “Gods, you’re hopeless. Stop getting all flustered over him.”
“Hey!” I complain. “Says you, whenever Will walks in the door.”
“Shut up.”
I smirk, and even though my head hurts something awful, Percy Freaking Jackson saved me in a canoe lake today. And that’s enough to make this my best day ever.
#percy jackson#pjo#fanfiction#to read#fanfic#walker scobell#percy jackson and the olympians#percy jackson x reader#percy jackson fanfic#daughter of hades#nico di angelo
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this episode made me love kipperlilly
i think it is very important to remember that kipperlilly copperkettle is a child. she's 16 years old and being manipulated by an authority figure who she should've been able to trust
yes, she was angry and jealous and immature before allying with ankarna. but she was also a 14 year old girl with anger issues
as a person who has had anger issues my whole life and was very violent as a child, i fully feel for kipperlilly. i was literally the worst version of myself when i was 14. i was rude and mean and had shitty opinions and i hurt people. i was truly awful, like genuinely bigoted and just hateful. i'm still trying to forgive myself for some of the things i did because it wasn't fucking okay.
i got out of that headspace thanks to my friends, and i ended up losing a lot of them along the way, deservedly so. im 18 now, im better and still bettering myself, and i cannot in good conscience hate kipperlilly any more than i can hate my young self
she's a kid. she's an angry little girl who instead of getting the support and help she needed to be able to better herself(bc jawbone is not able to treat her like she deserves), she was tricked and presumably killed by jace stardiamond so that he could use her to resurrect a dead rage god. she has done truly terrible things but she is a child and isn't irredeemable.
i honestly didn't see myself in her before, because our expressions of rage are completely different(hers is more passive aggressive, im more loud and outright aggressive), but this episode made her on of my favorite npcs ever.
she's a kid, and she's wrong and immature and a total asshole who thinks she's so fucking righteous standing on her stupid fucking high horse claiming "fairness" and all that bullshit. she's so realistic and awful and i know that makes her worse to most people but to me it just makes me think of another shitty teenager who was just as bad(minus a few murders) and 100% convinced she was righteous and justified in all her horrible actions.
i love kipperlilly, and i have faith in her. if there was a chance for me there's a chance for her, and when that chance presents itself i hope she takes it
#kipperlilly copperkettle#dimension 20 fhjy#fhjy spoilers#fhjy#d20 fhjy#d20 spoilers#d20 fantasy high#nydias post#fantasy high#jace stardiamond#ankarna#the rat grinders#postig again bc it didn't show up in the tags
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🖤💚
for the unpopular opinions asks
:DD Thank you! You get Percy rambles because that's where the brain goes past midnight <3
🖤: Which character is not as morally good as everyone else seems to think?
Very, very quietly: my yearly reminder to everyone that Percy knew what he was doing when he invented Gun. The entire character concept, per Taliesin, is 'what the fuck could motivate someone to make something this awful'. He did not invent Gun to free Whitestone, he did not invent Gun to rid the world of terrible evil, he invented Gun because he was a terrified and hurt and furious teenager who did not care what consequences there were to his actions so long as he maybe, possibly, might be able to kill some of the people responsible for his family's deaths. Once it does hit him that he will have to live with the consequences, that others will live with this same pain because of the havoc firearms can sow, he definitely feels awful! And wants to undo it as best he can! But it remains that he was a deeply selfish character.
And still is! No Mercy Percy is a fun meme and all, but he really leans into a lot of needless cruelty when he's scrambling for control. Which pops up again even after the Briarwoods arc is all done with - he is absolutely furious at Scanlan and some of what he mildly brings up to Vex is horrifying shit to say you'd do to a friend.
Anyways he's perfectly in character in C3 and I will die on this hill. And get raised as an undead by Delilah because PERCY WAS FUCKING RIGHT ABOUT THE WHOLE THING -
💚: What does everyone else get wrong about your favorite character?
OK, so I know we (by we I mean me) all love to point at Percy and go 'this man is autistic please let him infodump about the Feywild/clocks/engineering stupid dragon traps'. But there is a really good reason why everyone was shocked by his backstory reveal in C1, and why he's got so few lines in the first two episodes of TLOVM, and that's because he's pretty fucking quiet. And it's something I didn't fully appreciate until recently, so it's really understandable how often it trips people up!
The main thing is that while Lord de Rolo is usually a man of few words, those words are fucking bangers. While a lot of Vax's famous lines tend to be part of a long Shakespearian ramble (which I love), Percy, as a Taliesin character, is a master of the one-liner. Which tends to get over-represented in our memory compared to how often he says very little at all!
Percy often gets wordy when he has a space to do so (a debate with Keyleth, a bit of Whitestone lore Taliesin wants to yell about, nerding out with Tary who is importantly nerding out right back)... and when he's talking to Vex. God he will not shut up when he's one-on-one with Vex. In his conversations with other characters (Vax and Keyleth namely) he usually keeps his input short unless he's doing some arguing. But with Vex? Just won't stop.
So while I do think infodumping can be compliant with canon Percy, he needs to either be doing it in tandem with someone else (he and Keyleth or Tary being little weirdos), he has to have a solid excuse to indulge in it and feel justified, or he and Vex are alone. (Cass can probably get him to infodump, but given her nature as an NPC there isn't much textual evidence alas.)
Ask me about my unpopular opinions!
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2.12 Night Shifter
-Although Dean is impersonating an FBI officer when the jewelry counter girl asks him what it’s like, his answer is a truthful description of his life: “it’s dangerous, and the secrets we gotta keep…but mostly it’s lonely.” This wouldn’t be anything wincest except that he looks guiltily over at Sam twice while getting her number. The theme of loneliness between them and the brothers’ yearning for closeness from each other has come up several times this season, most obviously from Sam needing Dean to open up to him. But Dean is feeling it too. Sam was hanging off of him drunk last episode and Dean walked away from him so it makes sense that he’s trying to get someone else in his bed, and clearly thinking about Sam while he does it.
-Sam lies to Ronald. In the past he’s been the one who wants to tell civs the truth, while Dean lies. Dean’s instincts appear to be right here, and Sam’s sour impression with Ronald becomes an obstacle moving forward in this episode. It serves to highlight that Sam is still just not as experienced at this. They’re both really good with people and have high interpersonal intelligence, just in different ways.
-Dean feels “naked” without weapons. He’s been living in fear since he was four so that makes sense but it’s so bleak.
-Dean takes control of the situation with Ronald and Sam looks scared for him, then miserable when he’s locked in the vault and separated from Dean.
One of the bank employees asks “who is that man?” and Sam says “he’s my brother” as if that answers her question even a little bit. She wistfully says he’s brave and Sam looks even more miserable. He’s so sick of women fawning over his brother.
-a second scene of this woman fawning over Dean at Sam! I could watch this all day. Sam becomes increasingly perturbed with each passing moment. Listening to someone wax on about the person you’re secretly and wretchedly in love with but can’t have is terrible but especially when it’s someone who doesn’t even know them. He looks like he’s holding back on an emotion. Sam could just be irritated by the way Dean is overshadowing him, but I would expect him to respond by rolling his eyes or looking irritated rather than conflicted and sad.
Sam looks up to Dean. He doesn’t admit it until later on in the series, but Dean is his hero. His hero and guardian and brother and the only one who can kill him.
-Sam bumps his shoulder against Dean’s on his way out of the bank vault. He didn’t need to do that, there was space. People like to accidentally touch their crushes. And right in front of the fawning woman, like a cat rubbing its cheeks against its human’s legs to mark him.
-Sam points out that Dean is wanted by the police and is visibly upset. I love that Sam is the one panicking about this. Dean is too but he’s trying to be brave and save face for Sam.
-oh this is where they walk up to each other like they’re going to kiss. They’re making eye contact as they get really close and Sam kind of half circles Dean, looking into his eyes. It has the same vibes as the scene from Silver Linings Playbook where the love interest is teaching the main character a dance and instructs him on how to walk to her like he’s in love with her. You can see Dean moving his lips telling Sam he knows who the shifter is, but no sound, making this moment feel even more private
-the way Hendrickson says “there’s a monster in the bank” and then it cuts to Sam gives me chills
-Hendrickson mentioning that Sam is “the bonnie to your Clyde” makes Dean smirk. Sam is his wife. “That part’s true”. They could’ve said the butch cassidy to your Sundance or something but they went with a romantic couple and had Dean smile like aw yeah, that’s us, like he’s still so happy to have his baby back with him on the road.
-“they’re dangerous, smart, and expertly trained” god they really ARE. This show really earns their reputation.
-Dean is mid-action bringing a knife down on what he thinks is the shifter when Sam says in a near-whisper “Dean waitwaitwait”and Dean pauses to look over his shoulder. He’ll do anything Sam says. Sam’s gentle protest is more important than killing the shifter.
-Sam fights the swat team duo and wins. They escape and drive away knowing that they’re fucked and being hunted by the FBI. Their ascension from petty criminals to most wanted outlaws is so good because they are dangerous and fucked up and doomed and yet they’re together. I also love that Sam solved Dean’s problem by getting the uniforms and gear off of the two SWAT guys. He’s protective of Dean.
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TMAGP Live Reaction - Ep 13
This probably won't be a regular thing since I usually listen to the new episodes on my way home from school, but I wanted to do it today and no-one can stop me
Pre-Episode
Aw this dedication is so nice, reminds me of how I used to sign off on social media when I was younger
Pre-Statement
omg samcelia date samcelia date
they're so cute omg
"she also said that you dont know how cute you are" alice dyer youre not fooling anyone
i wanna hear what this interaction sounded like between alice and celia
"nobody, i'm mysterious" this isnt gonna come back to haunt us im sure
omg samcelia dating reveal already
JACKS HER SON OMG
"wild couple of years after i moved here" does this mean that celias way of coping with being dropped in a different universe was to just fuck... iconic
either that or jack got brought along with her and shes just covering it up. or jack has some mysterious origins that we dont know about
omg a horror protagonists with loving, alive parents wow
i was not expecting sam to be this relatable oh no
sam :(
oh no an "incident"
alice :(
i love celia just being "i know we're on a date and thats great and all but what do you think about the Horrors"
ofc you know theyre real you lived through the apocalypse
ah hello lena and gwen
ah gwen is learning about the consequences of delivering a random address to a living mr blobby knockoff
ooh are we gonna get some exposition
yes we are
these are our Fears i presume
you work in the government responsible for discarding peoples experiences and traumas gwen you werent exactly one of the good guys to begin with
guys i dont think shes gonna sort it
Statement
hold music?? hello?? do we recognise this voice?? needles??
i cannot understand what the name of this company is but i do not like them
the autoresponder sounds so cunty who are they i must know
oooh a scottish guy we love a scottish guy
"i pay your wages" sounding ass. telling the autoresponder that youre the highest investor in a gambling app isnt the flex you think it is dude
i think if a website that directly involves the handling of your money does "weird background checks" and has a "janky interface", staying is less of a feat of loyalty and more a feat of stupidity
oh this guy does nfts for sure
are you allowed to blame the warning you didnt listen to for the consequences?
oh his friends suck too
damn all jokes aside i feel bad for this dude
ohhh so is this like the dice where things can only get so good before they go terribly? or is it like a "when your life gets bad your money goes up" thing
ah its the second option
tbf if its not against the law its not against the law
this guy is the definition of "20 pounds is 20 pounds"
suddenly i dont feel as sorry for this guy
i have a sneaking suspicion that this guy did not get his money
oh nevermind
OOOOOOH NEVERMIND THAT NEVERMIND
huh
HUH
DID THEY SEND A CREATURE TO GET HIM WHAT
Post-Statement
Alice!!
Ooooh he got pished
Alice really out here dissing every kind of date I've ever been on
oh no :(
sam no :(
sam apologise please
shes right tho youre in the wrong place if you don't want weird
alice :(
this is why a polycule would fix everything
alice i love you
sam i love you but you deserved that
#tmagp#the magnus protocol#samama khalid#celia ripley#alice dyer#gwendolyn bouchard#lena kelley#tmagp spoilers#tmagp reaction
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tw stepfamily fantasy, age difference. Human AU.
I promise this is Dreamling, stay with me lol
When Time dies, Night is eager to find herself a strapping young husband. Enter Hob, who has heard that the widow Endless is filthy rich. Don't get him wrong, Night IS a beautiful woman, but it's the money he's after. He charms her easily enough, and in less than 6 months they're married and living together in her huge mansion... it's only then that Hob gets to know her kids.
He knew she had 7 of them, of course, but, well, this is a lot. The eldest two seem well-adjusted enough, sort of, but they're early 20's and out of the house already? The youngest boy ran away from home and no one bothered to look for him. Del and Despair aren't getting any mental health care they seem to badly need. And then there's Desire and Dream.
Desire is beautiful and charming and smart as a whip, but they change sexual partners more often than most people do underwear and they're only 16. They love their twin but are awful to their other siblings and downright cruel to Dream.
And Dream... he's a piece of work, yes. But he's pretty. Just as pretty as his sibling, if not more. He's got a bratty cruelty that echoes Desire's but could still be corrected by a firm hand... He mocks Hob mercilessly for his humble origins and because Hob married for money, and to Dream's heartless mother of all people! He's so closed off to affection, shouts at Hob even while bursting into tears when Hob tells him Hob could at least be a friend to him, since 34 is a bit young to be a father figure to a teen. But oh, Hob can tell: this boy is so, so lonely. Dream wishes someone would take him, even if only for money...
Desire, of course, immediately figures out that Hob isn't actually in love with Night and promply tries to seduce him. Hob gently rejects them, of course, but they try again. And again. And again. And... well. And it's hard. It's really hard to resist them. They're really really beautiful, of course, and they're so good at this... but Hob's one braincell that's still getting blood knows better than to fuck a 16-year-old with that huge a cruel streak. That's just asking for trouble. And besides, Hob likes a challenge. Desire is just... too easy.
Dream, however... what a little temptation he is. He's so reserved. He tries to focus on his art. He tries to pay Hob little mind, but can't help to listen and smile at Hob's tales. He's gotten his heart broken more times than anyone should have any right to at his age, and is just as depressed as Despair and only marginally better at hiding it... Now, that's a challenge. And such an easy target at the same time. Seducing him would be so fun! Hob can just imagine how outraged Dream would be at first... but Hob can be convincing, and Dream so badly needs someone to want him. And Hob is so horny, with Desire touching him all day, whispering filth in his ear, trying to sext him and send him nudes. You see, Night has a pretty low libido, too low if you ask Hob, and Hob's hand is a poor substitute for sex with another person.
Hob doesn't want Night to divorce him, of course, so he's wary of looking for sex outside the house, afraid to get caught if he's out too long with no explanation (he doesn't need to work now after all) and he wouldn't stoop so low as to take advantage of the house staff...
Isn't it so convenient that Dream just turned 18?
-PA
(reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated)
Oh fuck oh FUCK this is hot. AND HEY PA ANON I MISSED YOU <333
Hob feels like he's living inside a powder keg, honestly. He thought that marrying for money and living a life of luxury would be wonderful, but now he even longs for a job that would just get him out of the house. He's trapped in horny hell and he's sure that he's going to do something terrible and/or stupid. As a last ditch attempt, he sweetly suggests to Night that the two of them could take a little vacation - just the two of them, to the gorgeous little tropical vacation spot that the family owns. Death and Destiny can watch over the kids, and Night can have a well deserved break!
Alas, she just smiles and kisses Hob’s cheek. Unfortunately she's far too busy for a holiday right now. But she encourages Hob to go and soak up the sun - he's starting to look pale and stressed, and she can't have her toyboy husband looking under the weather. Her one request is that Hob should take Dream with him. She's noticed that Dream and Desire's fights have been getting more and more serious recently, and she's tired of the screaming matches. Some time apart will be beneficial for the siblings. And it will make Night's life a lot quieter.
Hob can't backtrack now, so he agrees. And he's even more glad to get away, because when Desire finds out that Dream has been sent off on holiday with Hob, they throw an absolute fit. Naked. In Hob’s bedroom. Hob’s single braincell really needs to get out of there.
It's not like Dream is even pleased to be forcibly packed off on holiday with his "step-father". He spends the whole journey in snide silence, occasionally muttering under his breath about Hob being a total creep. (And he's right, because Hob is still shamefully horny about the beautiful 18 year old. He nearly embarrasses himself completely when Dream grabs his hand because they hit turbulence.)
But it's funny how you can hate someone and still want to fuck them. Older men were always Desire's territory, but Dream is starting to see the appeal. He's starting to think that his mother is a fool for letting Hob out of her sight. When he catches his first glimpse of Hob on the beach in his swimwear, Dream makes up his mind: he's going to be a bad person.
Hob fucks him for the first time on the beach-house balcony. There are stars above them, possibly - Dream doesn't really recall. He's sure that Hob recalls even less. He's desperate, primal, unhinged. He cums, and just keeps going until both of them are exhausted. Obviously somebody needs to take care of him properly, if this is how wound up he gets.
Well. The Endless family have always been fucked up. This is just another chapter in the story. Maybe Night will even be grateful to her son, for keeping her husband happy...
#the sandman#dreamling#nsft#cw toxic relationship#cw dubcon#cw dubious consent#cw stepcest#cw age gap#tagged dubcon because of age issues only.
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hi frienddd❤️ (im totally gonna spam your ask box but feel free to choose whichever lyric you wanna use)
guilty as sin
messy top lip kiss , how i long for our trysts
without ever touching his skin , how can i be guilty as sin
Also for @galvanizedfriend who asked for these lyrics too
-
She wasn’t doing anything wrong.
In fact, she wasn’t even doing anything. It wasn’t as if she had acted upon any of the… interesting ideas her brain had decided to come up with to torment her late at night. She would chalk it all up to some temporary insanity and, honestly, given the amount of trauma and stress she had gone through ever since she had literally died and come back as a creature of nightmares… it wasn’t as if she could be blamed.
Right?
Caroline held back a sigh, slumping in her chair as she gripped tight onto the table, careful not to break it in her frustration. She could leave. She should leave. Except… she had decided being home all alone was too dangerous given the directions her mind had started to wander, and she could really use the distraction of being around other people.
If only the person she was trying to distract herself from hadn’t decided on a night out as well.
Klaus was shooting pool, out of all things. His siblings playing against him. It seemed almost unreal watching these creatures who seemed to be older than time squabbling and bickering. But what looked very real was Klaus’ backside every time he leaned towards the table.
She bit her lowerlip, her traitorous eyes refusing to look away. God. This was getting ridiculous.
Awful, despicable men who ran her (now ex) boyfriend out of town should not have perfect shoulder-to-waist ratio. Their shirts should not cling to their biceps like that. And they most definitely weren’t allowed to have curls like an angel’s falling over their forehead like that.
She watched as he threw some barb or another after a perfect shot, transfixed. And her gaze must have been burning holes into his back, because he turned around, searching her. And curving his lips into the most sinful smirk when he caught her staring.
Caroline bit down a groan.
He was awful. Terrible. Disgusting. She had to remember that.
Even if Tyler was off to god knows where with god knows who. Even if he had broken up with her through a phone call. Even if her bed felt far too empty and lonely and cold. And even if her mind had become particularly creative and convincing and really, what would a thousand years of experience even feel like?
And maybe, if she just went there once to get this itching done with, she could get this out of her head and move on and-
Nope. Not going there.
She forced herself to close her eyes, even as her breath quickened, images pouring in her brain in flashes of kisses and entangled limbs and the overwhelming scent of him. And-
Caroline opened her eyes to find Klaus sitting across from her at her table, a knowing smile on his lips.
“Good evening, love.”
#klaroline#klaroline fanfic#klaroline fanfiction#heatherstyles#thank you so much for the prompt ❤️#guilty as sin was the first song in the album I immediately thought was PERFECT for kc#and yep still doing these 😭#i just havent had much time
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im ngl I don’t think ppl should be mad about ppl shipping macden because it’s “romanticizing abuse” in a show about like the absolute worst ppl imaginable
#like I’m sorry they’re ALREADY terrible people#while Mac and Charlie are leagues less horrible than the Reynolds#they’re still pretty bad man#I’m just saying like#you’re watching the show about AWFUL people#so why are u getting mad that the awful people are being awful#or that people might ship something when the show literally has one being in love with the other#and are like deliberately set up to be homoerotic#do I think they would EVER have a healthy romantic relationship? no#would I like Mac to get a boyfriend that isn’t just Dennis catfishing him? most certainly#but come on y’all do this in a different show where they haven’t been using slurs and offending everyone#for 16 straight seasons#macdennis
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i think some of u need to calm down and remember this is a game. i did not pay [redacted amount of money] for a game to not explore all the options, and if you did, i think you're stupid and should have just watched a playthrough on youtube.
#objecting to the lack of dialogue/response options. in a game notorious for a breadth of dialogue and response options. is like. not a crime#when 500+ people are like 'man i wish i could've done x or had a chance to say x' and ur response to that is 'well doing x just makes you#a piece of shit and [other black and white thinking options here]' like.#joining the war on lack of nuance on the side of lack of nuance. embarrasssinggggggg#'u are a piece of shit for--' i love Narratives. i love Stories. i love writing characters who do awful and terrible things and are 100%#convinced they're right in doing it. i love that they get mad and upset when people they care about don't agree with their insanity.#great that u have ur perfect fairytale playthroughs. i want blood and guts and heartbreak and messiness#i want a story that rips my spine out. i want character arcs that make me want to die. and then i want to be told Making A Bad Decision#is not the end of the fucking world. actually. it doesn't mean the end of everything and the only option for u now is death. etc etc#like great you're out here writing perfect protagonists who never do anything wrong. i'm out here writing protags one bad day away from#becoming a villain. i'm out here writing protags who ARE villains and are really convinced they're the heroes. i'm out here writing heroes#that the world is convinced is a villain. go write your coffee shop aus and get out of my corner of fandom lol#tbd
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there’s something so sacred about sharing what you love with others: whether it be a song or food or clothes, a show or a movie or pictures. it's just... such a deep and personal thing, you know? having someone carve out a little part of their heart and gift it to you with an abundance of joy and excitement and passion... yeah.
#i lowkey had an awful day today lol#and it was my first day taking over as teacher so that's a great way to start it#there are people in seventh period who literally despise me and maybe that's an exaggeration but i looked over their creative writing for#the day and one of those kids literally wrote about how he was having a good day but then it turned into a bad day when i started the#creative writing with them so that was great and other stuff happened idk and one of my tics was really... uh... present today and i was so#aware of it and i feel like everyone was laughing at me because of it even tho ik that was just me being self-conscious but God i wanted to#cry and i shared a piece of my heart with them today for the creative writing exercise and so many of them just. told me how awful it was#like someone straight up started with 'this song is terrible' and then proceeded to write a paragraph about how bad it was#idk. it made me feel like a young kid again - sitting by myself on the playground and reading books. like i was in middle school and#everyone was telling me that the things that i loved were stupid. like i was a kid getting teased just lowkey enough that the teachers#couldn't tell because it wasn't necessarily outright bullying but they were making fun of what i loved which Hurts and then i was in high#school having to defend what i love and then in college hearing 'you ruined this for me because you liked it too much' and it just. idk.#it hurts. i find sharing passions and what i love with others so sacred and important and it Hurts when they just tear it and you down and#ik they're juniors and ik there will always be people like that but it was constant and idk. i'm just sad lol#so anyways even if someone shares something with you that you don't like there is literally No reason to be rude about it. you're allowed#to say you dislike it but it's not okay to just tell them straight up it's stupid or awful or you'd rather get hit by a car than hear the#song again. hm. ig i have some unresolved trauma lol#sorry for the rant y'all i just. needed to rant ig idk
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Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"
People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"
Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"
#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse#like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont#ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean#i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun#lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly#oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well#the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that#oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour#as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little#so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends!#ha ha. this is agony.#i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone#which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one#also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse#i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy#its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking#yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much#im also just really snappy sometimes#I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine#they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them#i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents#they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them#sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone#i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it#sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay#I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor#again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon#if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed#personal rambles#vent tag
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I don't think my pothead neighbor actually knows how to smoke weed. He's out on his porch with a blunt and is straight up hacking his lungs up. He sounds like he's severely ill. But nope. This is just the morning routine. Wake up and inhale that pot smoke in, apparently, the most painful way, tears in his eyes, SoundCloud rap in his (and everyone else's because goddamn does this guy not understand he lives in an apartment) ears, hope in his heart. Or something.
#weed#marajuana#pot#blunt#my mans is so bad at smorking the bunt#he clearly does not have 3 weed smoking girlfriends#in fact. he only has one. and she yells at him fucking constantly and it's awful.#these are two white kids who obviously come from money living in income restricted housing bc they don't want to live on campus#taking up space adults who need the apartment could occupy bc they're too good for student housing#i talked to the guy's dad when i moved in and that's kinda what he said#his prescious baby boy and his girl couldn't stand how rude and loud people were in student housing#so they moved outside student housing and are now rude and loud around a bunch of people struggling to pay bills#this kid has also hit my car but refused to take accountability. despite being the only person here with a white car.#they dump trash outside all the time. just get out of their cars and yeet their trash whichever way#they're terrible#I'd love nothing more than for them to get evicted
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#really genuinely disheartened by the news about the latest toh ep leaking weeks before it was supposed to premiere#because like i would never watch an episode early when it's not what the creators want. that's a terrible thing to do#but it seems like a lot of other people just do not care#and so instead i have to just sort of. lock myself out of the fandom for a while#which given how few things i have to get excited about these days.... eurgh#i was really excited about the timing of this one; it's right after tlovm comes back and right around the time the semester starts#and i'm sure it'll be fun to watch when it actually comes out but#not the same as the whole fandom being hyped about it#which for the penultimate episode of a show that was cancelled early? sucks#and i hate how many people seem to not care or think it's okay to watch the leaked episode just because other people are doing it#like i don't hang out in fandom tags fortunately (for many good reasons)#but going 'well. guess i have to avoid ao3 or checking out new followers' blogs' and things like that is :/#even the little fanwork discord server i'm in that i usually feel like is a nice space has folks that just... don't seem to care#and i like that space a lot but i'm considering muting it which makes me sad#i just don't get how people could be so disrespectful to the folks creating stories they love. that's awful#idk. guess i'm glad i have other fiction to care about right now#anyways! that's me done being sad about something relatively silly!#but :/
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i have to contemplate gortash and stigma's relationship before the game starts
#the thing is i do looooove the idea of a genuine mutual respect between them#perhaps a partnership born with the intentions of manipulation and betrayal but grows into genuine respect and trust and fondness#certainly not far from the way it seems canonically#but i certainly need to dig deeper into it.#i just love when awful terrible people are awful terrible people but they have these pockets of genuine and deep care and affection#just for each other#people love the idea of coldhearted and selfish bastards and i do too but...#you make a coldhearted manipulative selfish bastard feel Love and it's instant insanity. madness. i'm obsessed.
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i am once again overwhelmed by love for humans as a whole
#just. fuck#oh my god. oh my god. i love humans. i love humans and i love life and i love that i get to be a part of it#it sucks sometimes and there are awful terrible things that happen and im not going to deny any of that#but just. im thinking about all the strangers who've ever been kind to me and im overwhelmed with love#the girl ive never seen before who grabbed me to dance during my last homecoming with the biggest smile on her face#the kid who taught me where to dig for clay in a lake when i was 8 who told me he loved me when i said i had to leave#the stranger at the last show i went to who held onto my shoulder as we jumped and yelled and laughed together#the little girl who came into my workplace today that told me with the most starstruck face that she liked my hair#the older lady who helped me pick up all my things after i dropped them in a park after an incredibly hard day#the trio of teenage boys who played with me on the playground for hours one evening when i was 6 because they saw i was lonely#the random man who bought me the snack i tried to put it back when i realized i didn't have enough money for it#the teen girls who chased off some guy who tried to kick my head in and then ran back to hold my hands and make sure i was okay#fuck. i love people. i love human beings so much.#i love being alive and im so so glad i made it past middle school even though i thought i wouldn't#i get to look at sunsets and sunrises and i get to pet dogs and i get to wade around in lakes and pools and ponds#i get to hug and hold people and i get to laugh so hard my stomach hurts and i get to yell and scream in happiness#i get to eat good food and listen to good music and i get to run and jump and dance#i get to see beautiful things and i get to watch strangers live their lives around me and i get to be a part of it all#it's amazing!!! fuck!!!! i get to be a part of it all!!!!!#i love being alive and i love that ive made it this far#i don't know what the future holds but im just so glad im even here at all#sorry about the long sappy ramble and i know this probably looks weird but i could not care less#im just overwhelmed with love for everything
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just realised something random: I've always been kinda sad that there isn't any media that my parents liked and shared with me, that sort of thing. I know of things that they like, of course, but it was never something they showed me or anything.
and I just realised that's because it was never something nice, something fun, something they wanted to share - no, they only ever brought up things that they liked as a way to say that everything I liked was bad.
#like.... my dad loved musicals. but he only ever mentioned them when he was telling me how bad everything I like (and basically all modern#music really) is.#my mother likes whatever songs are played on the one radio station she likes#literally that's her taste in music. always has been.#but still everything I've ever liked is just awful.#especially movies and shows. I'd try to show her things I was watching when I was younger. I'd record episodes on VHS specifically to show#her when I'd visit her next.#and she never said a single nice thing about any of it#and then I *had to* watch movies that she liked with her because she'd say she was tired of watching all this stuff.#so it was never a good thing.#idk I just feel like that really sucks. first of all it's just mean as fuck. but also like. I'll never get to listen to a song and think 'aw#my dad loved that song!'. it's only ever 'he hated this one. said this one was terrible. hated this singer's voice.' etc#and my mother's shitty comments have ruined things that I used to love (can't watch corpse bride anymore because it was my favourite when I#was like 15 and I begged her to watch it with me and to this day she brings that up as an example of what a great mother she is - 'I watched#that HORRIBLE movie about the dead people with you and didn't complain about it once'#bitch you complained the whole damn time and you have been complaining about it for 17 YEARS NOW.#ugh shitty people shouldn't have children.
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