#i hope i dont have to go to school tomorrow
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chat im sick this is like a sickfic in real life except i have no one to take care of me so i will die now
#did i ever tell you guys how much i love sickfics#or just fics in which characters take care of another character#like.... hell yeah........#so awesome......#blergh i feel so odd#i hope i dont have to go to school tomorrow#fuckkkkkkkkkk i have a math test#ugh#UGH!#im so mad what the f#owls nonsense
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hello new self portrait just dropped which means this is officially what i look like now
#i have glasses now!!!! i’m not very good at drawing them but i sure have them on my face at all times shdhdf#and i recently started growing out my hair!!!! my distinctive bowl cut had a good run but i’m officially moving forward#i’ve also started exaggerating my big droopy sad eyelashes a LOT in pictures lately it’s part of my core identity now or something#(that’s not true shdhdf but i think my face knew about my puppydog destiny long ago and gave me puppydog eyes)#anyway i just haven’t drew anything in forever like i think i’ve drew four things that weren’t JUST notebook doodling. all this school year#(and one of those was vent art on paper and the other one was coloring with my little sister. so i’ve drew two things on ibispaint at all)#anyway i think my glasses suit me really good and i’m also really excited i can see the world really good now#i still have some vision problems from POTS that aren’t fixed but like. i can see detail in brick walls now and i’m obsessed#house fucker behavior i’m so sorry shdhdhdff (THIS IS A JOKE AND LIE. I DONT FUCK HOUSES)#(and i’m apparently a house m.d. kinnie so i wouldn’t fuck him EITHER cause we’re the same person i could never)#ANYWAYS i can see well finally and that’s good. and in conclusion i’m real tired and should go to bed#i took my meds at 9:30 then started drawing at 10 finished at 11:30#and now it’s midnight and i’m long overdue to be asleep already. so goodnight world!!!!#i have a sleepover tomorrow night which is very exciting. and also work and homework as usual shdhdf#but in the meantime i get to sleep. for up to 12 hours!!!! here’s hoping#ok anyway!!!! goodnight!!!!#P.S. text or call if you need anything!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later (probably)
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happy bday to me! 🎂🥳🎉
for this very special day i wanted to list and compare the presents and interactions i got in the mobile games ive been playing consistently lmao
under cut cause the pics are big
Time Princess
A letter with 10 golden tickets, 100 stamina, and 10000 coins
Obey Me! Nightbringer
1 UR+, UR, and SSR Joker each
3 Demon Vouchers
30 Karma Points
200 AP
30000 Grim
50 Devil Points
Along with a bday video, birthday calls from the characters throughout the day and a UR guarantee for a 10 pull
There's half-off on Devil Tree unlocks
There's also special birthday dialogue in the Surprise Guests:
-- the first Surprise Guest I did gave me 30 more Devil Points
-- and you can press anywhere on the boys and get max hearts :]
What in HELL is Bad
They haven't implemented bday stuff yet so nothing (´。＿。｀)
Twisted Wonderland
A Happy Birthday from the character you have set as your favorite card and a Tenfold Key Set (for rolls)
and last but not least.....*drum roll* 🥁🥁🥁
Love and Deepsace!
Special Happy Birthdays from each guy which include them singing happy birthday to you :3
Birthday Dialogue on the home screen
Presents from each one (items you can use to decorate their desks)
500 Diamonds
5 Empyrean Wishes
1 Bottle of Wishes: SSR
1 Energy Capsule: Powerful
And 2 birthday stickers
#so whb is technically in last place but since its a newer game ill let it pass this year#so time princess is next in line for last place#its a fine gift but since they dont have any characters saying happy birthday it doesnt do much for me#nightbringer kinda surprised me!#i was expecting a call and some devil points#but this is a lot more then i expected :3c#also i go crazy for free UR+ Jokers#i was thinking of adding regular obey me but decided to skip it since i only really just log in for dailies for the most part#(and i dont even do that everyday if im not feeling it)#also theyre practically the same minus the calls (but i have the old ones that i havent listened to yet still)#twst was cute nothing too crazy#(thank you for ur presence lilia)#i liked love and deepspaces happy bdays from the characters a lot because they sang lmao 😭#also i feel very special from them saying all this nice stuff about hoping that i get what i want and that i stay healthy and stuff dwsiiws#it feels like obey me has more in character interactions BUT when i think it about it more#deepspace has the models actually hand you gifts#also the moment you have with the characters feels more personal#but tbf theres more obey me characters and you do get those calls throughout the whole day! (also they give more stuff imo)#so i cant really pick which one i liked more :d#dutp#obey me nightbringer#twisted wonderland#love and deepspace#im now 26....#oh jeez#long post#still doing the same shit i was doing in middle school uashusha (i mean playing dating games)#my personality has refined over the years tho#anyways im gonna celebrate tomorrow with my family :]#this is the end of my post tho ill probably post about the asmo phone call later
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update: i am becoming more and more sick as we speak
#kinda makes sense tbh considering ive allegedly been around two sick people for like a week now#and by allegedly i mean definitely#but still picture me doing the shocked pikachu face#or like the confused tom from tom and jerry face#whichever you prefer#anyway yippie if i get worse im not gonna go to school and im gonna get some work done maybe unless i collapse#like maybe i could wrap myself in a blanket and take my tablet and work on the posters in peace or draw ocs or work on my-#animation assignment some more#finally a good excuse to stay home#and im only half joking#if i still could do school online i would#not having to use public transit saves me so much time and energy#anyway hoping i dont wake up tomorrow dying but also i will embrace that possibility if it comes#but also i could force myself to go to school even if im sick and push thru#but also like maybe i dont want to make other people sick??#anyway#personal
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2/3 tours done‼️
#I SURPRISED HER‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#her school kinda sucks though :/ like i get why she loves it but idk its too deep in appalachia for me to feel safe#i saw like i didnt fall in love with a school like 30 minutes further north#main issue with going to school in tbe actual appalachian mountains is that my ears dont adjust to altitude changes correctly#anyway im going to a 70k a year school tomorrow lets hope they offer me a full ride bc im cool and totally have a super high gpa (3.4)#im so much more impressive in state 😭 are you sure you dont want my 4.2 😭
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I love going on Tumblr because I can't sleep hoping to get cheered up by the fandom blogs I follow and then having to clear out my following tab because my feed is nothing but "the world is ending everyone is horrible DNI list donate to the 50th person that can't afford rent".
I fully understand even making this post is hypocritical but I don't have the energy to fight with my phone constantly crashing to draw a doodle to justify the post otherwise I just wish I could find a blog that doesn't appear to be a normal art blog only to suddenly find myself overrun with depressing reblogs. Why do people actively look for and repost depressing things on the internet aren't most people nowadays complaining about being overstressed. Maybe don't search out sources of stress m8 that's the main reason I don't use Twitter or Instagram like cmon man anyway. Uh feel free to send an ask if you want me to draw something, don't reblog this post to say it because that would mean you just did not fuckin have reading comprehension at all
#im so aware my tone is dry#i cant find my earbuds so im cursed to not fall asleep and i have school tomorrow and i just wanted to see sonadow fanart man TT#and intead my carefully selected following tab is fuckin ruined because people who i LOVE their art suddenly decided to go and reblog the#idek whatever fuckin tag brings up posts about how news networks are shit and about drama and sa and just. everything ever#people can do what they want thats what tumblr is for its a personal sobox and im still friends with the people i unfollowed on discord#but i Also am allowed to do whatever the fuck i want with my soapbox so i am going to unfollow people and then get sad about it#i completely get that making a side blog just for actisivism or whatever kind of defeats the point and is stupid but thats why i just dont#fucking reblog that shit in the first place. like are you showing yohr friend at work these posts??no???why are you pushing them to others#then?? thats just how i look at it dont fuckin reblog things you wouldnt show someone in person#talk talks#literally right after i posted this another person ive been following for 1+ year started spam reblogging depressing shit god dammit what is#with people lately. i hope people stop and i can refollow them sometime in the future
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...
#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage#everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me#bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check#and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info#and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less#expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school#which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there#like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away#or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town#and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown#but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets#its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn#or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep#i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time#so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b#agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling#like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult#cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive#allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity#unrelated
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tomorrow is such an important day, im a mcfucking nervous anxious wreck already gOD
#got the school interview tomorrow#i just. really want this. something needs to change in my life and getting to study something im genuinely interested in#and something i genuinely like and i know i could do as a career would mean everything to me#unfortunately if i do become a student thats gonna put a terrible dent on my finances as well as i have to move and thats gonna be#the next four years of my life. but i also just REALLY want this#my life needs a meaning. and this could hopefully be it#i have no idea what they are gonna ask in the interview but apparently its gonna be scored from 0 to 60 points which. nerve wracking#the other assignments were 0 to 20 so its total out of a 100. i know i have at least ten points so far if i got to the interview lol#but yeah im. i just really hope it goes well. i really need this. im tired of not going anywhere not doing anything not having a future#please. i dont ask for much. ive had enough rejections this year already idk what im gonna do if i dont get this or any of my backup plans#just.. yeah. im tired but i gotta set up stuff tomorrow oof. pull my assignments up and set up my laptop for the interview and hhhh#im just. nervous#idk what im gonna do if i fail this#and thats fucking terrifying#god i hope i can sleep tonight mmm#night is an absolute mess on main
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forever wishing sam fender would unrelease dead boys
#it’s like the moment I get a glimmer of hope for my hometown it reminds me of how awful it is#I feel like I’m screaming underwater at people like there’s something actually insidious about that town#and I’ve BEEN saying it and it keeps getting written off as youthful angst#bc of COURSE you hate your hometown! everyone hates their hometown!#but now I’m going to another funeral for a boy in my year and it’s another suicide and I don’t even know him#i havent seen him since primary school I have no right to be so upset by this#but I’m just trawling his ig bc he looks the same#he looks the exact same and he hung himself. he was twenty#and ofc he’s connected to my family bc everyone is in that fucking town hes like a v distant cousin#so we know the news first like so many of his friends are out having a nice night rn#and I’m here with this knowledge despite not knowing him. like tomorrow someone is going to find out their best mate killed himself#the police are literally still at his house and my mum is telling me she loves me because it’s ALWAYS the boys in my year group#like off the top of my head alone bc i KNOW it’s more ive already lost six boys in my year and I’m 20#how many kids have to die before my hometown stops being such a shithole#sorry for the vent post i dont even know why this has gutted me so much#maybe bc the only memory i have of this boy is between the ages of 5-11 so I literally ONLY know him as a child#like he was so happy I can only remember him smiling and just. what went so wrong after that? he had spiky hair and gap teeth#and now I’ve been told that he hung himself and I just#god. i don’t even know anymore#I’ll never forgive that town#hella goes home
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had a nice long cry over the fact that the tour I've been waiting to go to with my best swiftie friend for four years is no longer selling any tickets. almost puked a few times in the process. now I'm gonna spend the money I would've spent on concert tickets ordering delivery for chicken tenders instead.
#i turned off every twitter notification except for taylor‚ taylor nation‚ ticketmaster‚ and tom hiddleston#ive contacted the DOJ and signed a govt petition about TM's unfair business practices/its monopoly on the industry#and i plan to email my representatives over the next few days to urge the doj into investigating them#but i dont expect it to do any good. a judge ruled in their favor in the 90s and they'll do the same in the 2020s#i can't return all the rhinestones i bought on etsy for my Bejeweled costume for tour but ill return the corset i was gonna use...#... and the things i got from Michaels on Saturday. ill keep the shorts i was gonna use to make her The Lucky One outfit tho#maybe ill finally get to make and wear it when im 40#i guess I didn't have to pick up all those extra ahifts after all :/#im just waiting for Taylor Swift (or even her management team) to acknowledge this. I don't have high hopes that they will.#I'd like for her to add more shows but idk if i see that happening. she's already got 52 and she hasn't even announced international ones#idek if i want more shows because if i sit in the TM queue for four and a half hours and leave empty-handed again idk what id do#I really dont want to go to school tomorrow. idk how im supposed to study for my test like this#if id known when i was seven what i knew now maybe i would have picked a different favorite artist
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what if for once in my life i just have a nice time
#we're going to a cabin in upstate new york tomorrow#for the long weekend#w two girls from high school (i dont rly know them but van was closer w them back then)#but i'm. so autistic and insane and depressed. i'm nervous.#i . just. i really hope i can get in a decent headspace and have a nice time.#i'd really like to just have a nice time.#izzy.txt
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falling asleep worked i did it for three hours. now what i’m still tired i just also wasted the day and looked stupid to my roommate….
#like im glad i slept but also. same problems as before#although my french teacher emailed me back said i should go to office hours. which is a proper response to my email#wikipedia guy texted me back with details like an hour after i texted but also like two or three hours ago#gonna settle the score by bringing a $20 bill tomorrow then i won’t feel so weird and guilty#but no i feel so fucking stupid and gross for like. i was crying so close to my roommate so i had to fall asleep#or else i’d be standing up with tears in my eyes next to my roommate which is worse#but i just. i dont know. like he thinks i’m just lazy. i’m always asleep i never tell him why#i dont know. good morning i hope everyone is doing well#there are two people i usually get dinner with and one is out of town and the other i think his parents are here and also things are weird#translation things aren’t weird i’m just weird and feel guilty for being such a weird person#anyway i just. college?? what am i doing here????#i talked to my mom this morning she says that she felt the same way during college and that she should have dropped out way earlier#which. not helpful?? what do i do after i drop out?? i am someone who can’t hold a normal part time job and my only HOPE is ending up being#i mean anything really just something that requires a lot of prior experience!!#and the college is paying me really good to go to school but only if i stay full time#so i cant just lower my course load because that will actually make everything worse instead of better#idk. going to french teachers office hours tomorrow and will figure out time for linguistics teacher too and will get my LIS grade back up#(that one is just simple that one is i missed two discussion posts but there are ten more to come and also tests and stuff. i’ll be ok)#idk. and i still want to go to my LIS teachers office hours and ask how he became professor of rare books print culture and information bias#that is a good set of things to be a scholar for. and he’s curating collections at the same time as being my teacher#so idk. professors don’t seem as stupid and uppity as they used to. and i think i want to do that someday#plus with the salary jump from librarian i can feasibly become a major donor to local libraries to keep that influence around shdhdf#(although. if i get paid by the school (!!) to get a phd in print culture who says i don’t become a fancy librarian with that??)#i dont know. this is so stupid because i get so excited about the prospects and then i go back to the present and i’m flunking out of school#my grades haven’t been this bad since the height of COVID i thought something about me had gotten better but apparently not#like literally who went and made me traumatized?? why did you have to do that?? now i can’t be a normal person?? shut up!!!!#idk. just feel like if i weren’t having panic attacks about the fact that people are safe and kind here (and therefore must be hiding their#true intentions and taking advantage of me) then maybe i would have remembered to take my french test#idk. i’m tired and want to go home. sorry for venting all day i hope everyone is doing okay#vent cw
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finally had to give in and make a school purchase (<- sick to its fucking stomach)
#wind howls#SOBBING AND WAILING#80 DOLLARS.................................................................#its so stupid that im so heartbroken over this bc my mom will return the money for me bc its a school purchase but.#80 dollars.................. is still 80 dollars.............................#for a stupid external drive -_- im going to milk that fucking terabyte you better believe it#sigh.............sigh....... and tomorrow i have to buy some stupid pencils at school and theyre so expensive for no reason...........#tomorrow during my break ill make a compilation of my expenses and hope my mom can return it all to me soon.... sob sob#AND I HAVE TO BUY MYSELF MY BUS PASS. HEAD IN MY HANDS#at least its cheaper than last year since i dont have as many zones to move between... sob sob#alright. 8 am tomorrow sleepies time
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the only time today i manage to let out a genuine smile is while watching return frank doing a silly little dance while onstage during vampire money <333 dilfs are the only things protecting this country
#THAT ALMOSY TYPED OUT CUNTY#also yeah todsy was absolutely horrid ans terrible wnd i dony deserve to be alive idk#i was very upset. And it showed near loved ones ans i wish i wasnt alive i dont deserve literally anything im so terrible<333#and i ended up napping early bc i was rllytired frommy walk#and on that walk i just really thought about how my ....Undiagnosed Ocd is literally ruining my life#bc atfirst i considered it anxiety and rumination and etc etc but now that im doingba bit of research it is almost perfectly#in the box of obsessive compulsive disorder#this has basically ruined my life since i was roughly 16 and ages 16 - 20 are a massive blur <33 no real goddamn memories#my life is terrible i just want to go back to when i was in middle school when i was just depressed but also happy at times#if i struggle make it so that i can at least feel like im here lol#but yea i got some clarity abt it all and i think its making sense#i just want to live again#i dont feel real and i wanna go offline too bc its showing on here too#me being like more grumpy and posting way less about frank#i feel like i lost my passion for mcr/frank a bit and rn its just me being depressedand letting my thoughts control me like they have#since i was in the 11th grade#whatever. i just hope tomorrow reflects the clarity i have and i dont end up so insanely sad#hhhhh<333 i hate mysekf so much i. an undeserving of so much especially my parents#i dont deserve a roof over my headim just some disabled idiot who is stuck in constant rumination <3333 idiot idiot die
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i am so exhausted i barely have anything to do for the rest of the school year as in. just a few more projects. and then done. but i'm already Finished af. anyway i hope you all are okay, take care okay <3
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#RAGHHHHhhhhhh ..... i have napped an abnormal amount (personally) the last few days#the exhaustion of. everything ig is getting to me. sobs#uh... i'll finish this one hw and then my parts for this group task and then the test is. ??#notes to myself sorry but i won't even look back to this ik but yeah.#so. message group mates tomorrow for those two tasks. one in the morning b4 class one during free period#i have to deal w the thesis presentation stuff too wtvr the fuck's going on i hope everything will be alright#after this one hw and then my parts for that ... recheck them ofc but afterwards.#nah i should sleep after that... at T__T anyway my goal is to finish basically everything that i can do by tomorrow. which is doable i think#should fix my sleep sched esp b4 june... review for june... follow daily routine everyday properly...#okay. finish this one task finish parts for that one other task. and recheck both.#sleep and message groupmates in the morning. present. message and discuss with other groupmates during free period.#by then i only have... two tasks left for the whole school year + one quiz later. but i gotta fix up thesis stuff w group#alr. okay. i got that.#and i'll work on as much as i can tomorrow (and if i need to. lay off a bit/rest. until sunday)#hopefully hang out with friend on monday. concert on thursday. last day friday#i won't think about reviewing just yet until i finish my#priorities but i need to make sure im at my fucking best then and in advance#anyway hi ... i dont think anyone will read this which idm at all bcs why would you#but if u did uhm hi. hello. have a good day LMFAO i hope everyone has a good day or night or whatever aaa i go now..... sobs#i am very exhausted i think esp since i dont think ive had a proper rest in Ages. and by ages i really mean ages#i dont like napping i dont like wasting time i try to wake at a certain time but often fail but still distrupt sleep#uh i let myself rest on sundays only when going out but it's Going Out and not. just relaxing and doing literally nothing. never#negative thoughts begone!! i refuse to entertain them for now lmfao#there's a lot i want to get to and a lot i need to do but i'll focus on what i need to
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Oh god
#im about to do the most rebel thing in my life#aka go to school but not Attend the first lesson#god#but i know i cantvlearn this shit now because i Also have a biology test tmrw#soo#Man i hope my parents dont suddenly Deicide to check the online thing tomorrow#so i can excuse my absence by myself from their account#grrrrr
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