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#i have to call them too i hate making calls this sucks :(
cordeliawhohung · 3 days
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Going off of him calling reader his wife, Ps! Gaz whose highest rated video with his favorite girl is a "Honeymoon" night concept where it's basically a really romantic lovemaking video.
Their natural chemistry is perfect and the romance feels real; they even joke around a little and take things slow.
And that vid is what confirms for the fans that there's something going on between them that goes beyond the cameras.
- 🦴
part 237423849 of kore writing a drabble/one shot when she probably shouldn't have. not edited because my brain is fried? idk save me, pornstar!gaz, save me
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It's late into the night when your phone screen illuminates your face.
A sleepless night quickly plagues you with a wandering mind that won't let go of the images that still haunt you from your last shoot with Kyle. The two of you have filmed countless times together, but there's something about this most recent one that refuses to let go of your mind. It overwhelms you so much that you've got your studio's porn site on your phone at nearly one in the morning. 
Usually, you hate watching the videos you perform in. It crosses an odd sort of boundary in your mind that makes you feel disgusted with yourself, but you can't help but watch the one you filmed with Kyle titled "Honeymoon Getaway." Before the video even starts, you notice the ratings. Tens of thousands of people have watched the video already, and it was only edited and published five days ago. The ratings are all positive, thousands of thumbs ups and bookmarks.
Your teeth sink into your lip once the video starts. Both you and Kyle are dressed in your "wedding" attire; a well fitted suit with the jacket removed for him, and a white slip that covers your bridal lingerie for you. It's... sensual. The way he kisses you. And really fucking weird watching it from a third person perspective. You vividly remember his breath against your face and the way his hand caressed your cheek, but it's not what you're looking for, so you skip ahead. 
When the video loads the next portion, Kyle's face is buried in your cunt. The angle they filmed it at is nothing compared to the view you had in real life. The way he kissed the side of your knee, keeping eye contact with you for as long as he could as he kissed all the way down your thigh until his tongue was on your clit… it’s a sensation that ghosts along the inside of your legs even as you lay there in bed. 
But the video? Fuck, it’s terrible. Focusing more on the side view, obscuring his pretty face with your thigh. At this point, you’re ready to take the camera and film everything from a first person point of view next time you film with Kyle. 
But that’s besides the point. You’re looking for something else. 
Once again, you skip ahead and the sound of your laughter emanates from the speakers on your phone. Kyle, who had been hovering over your body, had quickly rolled you on top of him, switching your spots. It was done so effortlessly, and you try your best not to gawk at the way his muscles flex as you straddle him.
"Kyle," your voice whines over the speakers.
"Better view this way," is all he responds.
You hate it. Hate the way he makes your stomach churn just from a video alone. It almost churns worse than it did when you were really filming with him, pretending to be love-struck newlyweds fucking one another in an expensive hotel room.
You skip forward again, a significant distance this time, and Kyle has you pinned to the bed on your back. With his hands underneath your knees, you're nearly kissing them as he ruts into you. You try not to pay too much attention as the camera pans to a view of your cunt sucking him in like the good little wife you pretended to be.
Luckily, you're not stuck watching it for too long before the film shoots over Kyle's shoulders, showcasing the way your tits bounce at his relentless pace. You grimace when they zoom in, but it's not much longer before you finally find what you were searching for.
"My sweet wife. I love you so fuckin' much."
You sit up straight the moment you find it, and your fingers are scrambling to rewind so you can hear him again. The breathlessness of his voice, the lilt in his tone. It feels like gold on your ears, yet it has your heart shredding into pieces in your chest. It feels real. Too real.
But it can't last forever.
You pause the video, ceasing the sound of your moans and Kyle's fake confession. Everything spins around you when you look up from the screen and at the darkness of your room. Lonely. So fucking lonely and cold. You shake your head as you look back at your phone, and you decide to make the terrible mistake of sleuthing through the comments.
The idea of it all, was finding something that would turn you off so that you could forget it all and go back to sleep. And there were plenty of disgusting comments:
>> need a submissive wife like this
>> great tits
>> too soft with her. you need to learn to put your bitch in place the first night.
It should have been enough. You should have stopped there, but you don't. You can't stop scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling. It's a vicious cycle that you can't stop, and you're stuck reading every single comment and speculation from anyone who still had living brain cells after jerking off to your video. Each and every one of them destroy you more than the last:
>> I feel like i'm ruining a special moment lmao
>> there's no way these two aren't together irl what the fuck
>> can't wait to see these two on OF together when they realize they don't want to fuck anyone else lol
>> nah, they really snuck in a whole crew on their actual honeymoon that's dedication
>> he sounds like he's about to cry when he says he loves her
You shut your phone off and fight the urge to toss it across the room as you slam yourself back against your mattress. All you want to do is sleep but your chest aches so furiously that it's all you can focus on. Everything feels so real with Kyle, and it's not fair that he's always out of your grasp. Always teasing you with the promise of fucking you off camera, of looking at you like you're the only woman in the world.
A tremble begins in your bottom lip as you shove your face into your pillow. Kyle Garrick is going to be the death of you, you're sure of it. Judging by the tears that soak your pillow that night, you know it's not going to be a kind death, either.
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aezuria · 2 days
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*ੈ✎ two lovers entwined, pass me by
"and heaven knows i'm miserable now" —the smiths
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content: leo valdez x roman! reader
╰┈▸ back cover: what if leo gets a little too tired of being the seventh wheel, wait- ninth wheel? (and meets a girl who is a d1 hater)
╰┈▸ warnings: leo and yn dont hate hate couples its a joke okay (unless its not a joke anymore pls give them love-) cursing, maybe ooc reyna? NOT canon compliant, a bit of angst but overall its silly
librarian's annotations: this is now my fav work if u guys dont like it then dont tell me pls 😣
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leo was tired. sick and tired of everyone's public displays of affection! can they at least have the decency to romance each other in the privacy of their own rooms!? he did not build ten of them for no reason! there was absolutely no way they needed to suck face at the dining table. like, right in front of his food!?
okay, he was being a bit dramatic. the most everyone was willing to do in public was hold hands. and maybe share a kiss. but that was a kiss too much! and wasn't reyna supposed to off doing (cool) praetor shit!? ever since her and jason made up, leo has not been able to catch a break! can they stop eyefucking each other already!? (they are simply staring into one another's eyes)
"guys." leo swept his gaze over the dining table. he was seated at the end, giving him an unwarranted view of everyone paired up. apparently, love is also deaf, since no one turned their head to him.
"guys!" leo raised his voice. would he be heard over the sound of their unspoken conversations? heads finally spun to look at him, as if they just remembered he was there.
"can you guys like, eat? or do this-" he gestured widely. "elsewhere? and by elsewhere i mean not in front of me."
they all managed to give him the exact same look that was a mix of embarrassment at being called out, and something that said "poor leo, he's so single!" oh come on! jason made it even worse by putting a—what was supposed to be—comforting hand on his arm. "it's okay, leo. i'm sure you'll find someone one day."
this was not funny at all. and leo would know; he's the funniest guy ever! he snatched his arm away with an utterly aghast expression. "ew! get your pity off of me!" he shuddered, playing up the theatrics and wiped his forearm over jason, giving him his couple-cooties back.
the blond reeled back, laughing at his best friend's antics. "what was that for!?"
"don't act like you don't know!" he sneered accusingly.
nights were always the worst for leo. they were quiet, and not the calm, peaceful quiet when he would stay out and watch the sun set, the time before his happiness came to an end. it was an empty quiet, devoid of the laughter he caused, his thoughts become louder to fill up the silence.
(it was night when his mother died, when he had burned down the warehouse. when he had killed her. it was night when he awoke to the front door slamming, the sounds of drunken yells and glass splintering were backing instruments in an interlude of impending misery as he waits for the sun to shine once again. it was night when he ran away, with nothing more than his heavy heart and some left over change.)
leo's thoughts ran rampant with the feelings he kept in a glass box. always there, always seen, very fragile yet rarely opened. sometimes he would shake it a little too hard, and it would come crashing down like a bottle of alcohol, spilling insecurities instead of wine.
tonight was one of those times.
he doesn't know what brought it on. well, he lied; it was the sight of everyone at dinner, looking happy and complete without him. but he was used to it. it shouldn't have bothered him this much. but the more he let it stew, the more it hurt. leo loved his friends, sure, but he couldn't help but have a little bit of resentment at how easy it was for them to make up, make out. hell, even piper got a girlfriend, a mortal one at that! between traveling and fighting monsters, he didn't even know that was possible. what about him was so unlovable?
as he tossed and turned to shake off the voices in his head, he knew that this would be another sleepless night.
today was going to be a good day; leo could feel it in his gut. the skies were clear, there were no monsters coming to wake them up, and the engine was running smoothly. he had time to work on his little projects all day today! he hummed a tune as he walked to the engine room, or his work room for today, and spun a wrench in his hand. maybe he had a little skip to his saunter, a pep in his step. something about today was just so-
his gut lied to him. (maybe he was hungry?) the wrench clattered to the ground as he came to an abrupt stop. "oh. my. gods." leo paused between every word to further emphasize his disdain.
the sight was scandalous, completely and irrevocably scandalous. like, i-need-to-wash-my-brain-out scandalous. and leo was so not being dramatic this time.
percy and annabeth flinched away from each other in a half-asleep fumble, trying to act as if they had not just been caressing each other's bodies mere moments ago. (okay, maybe he was being dramatic again) this wasn't even a romantic place to do that! and leo would know, he's such a romantic guy. what was the purpose of his hard work of making bedrooms if they were just going to sneak off and desecrate his beloved engine room!?
"frank catching you two once wasn't enough?" leo huffed and bent down to pick up his dropped tool. "now i have to see the two of you fraternizing in my domain!?"
"that's not even the proper word-" annabeth had tried to hold back, but the urge to correct him was too much.
"i don't care! shoo!"
leo was so done. his perfect day had been ruined first thing in the morning! now it was late, he was tired, and he was finally heading back to his room to get some much needed rest after holing himself up all day working on random knick-knacks. a soft noise caught his attention. it was dim, the lights low since him and annabeth wanted to save electricity. he felt the familiar dread in his stomach. there was absolutely no way this could be happening.
"we shouldn't do this here..." wait, was that reyna?
"i know.. but i'm gonna miss you when you leave." no. no. NO. the direction the two very very familiar voices were coming from was right in front of the hallway to his bedroom. "please?"
leo was torn. he didn't want to walk in on them, but he couldn't spend another night in the engine room! he wanted his comfy bed right now!
he slapped a hand over his eyes and stepped heavily on the wooden floorboards, giving them a much needed warning. he heard the sound of fabric and shuffling, a satisfied smirk gracing his face.
"are you guys decent?" leo asked, still squeezing his eyes shut under his hand.
jason huffed, no doubt red in the face. "it's not like we weren't in the first place."
leo dared to open his eyes, finding that not only was his face red, but there were bruises starting to dapple his neck. ew. he did not want to think about how that came to be. "uh huh. well go and canoodle somewhere not in front of my room, please and thank you."
"canoodle?"
"reyna i told you, i don't wanna go!" you grumbled akin to a toddler, despite your status as the centurion of the first cohort. you took off your armor, dropping it to the ground haphazardly. "i don't need to see you and mister perfect canoodling in front of me!"
the praetor snorted and shook her head. "'canoodling?' you're the second person i've heard use that word this week." she paused, a thoughtful expression passing over her face. "you guys would get along well, i think. anyways, i'm not asking as a friend, i'm ordering you as praetor."
oh that was so unbelievably low! "what!? reynaa!" you stretched out the end of her name in an embarrassingly childish whine. good thing it was just the two of you here, otherwise no one would let you live it down. "i thought they were supposed to be going soon anyway!?"
"you heard me. and no, they're staying for a couple more nights. something about the engine being broken again?" she shrugged, an amused glimmer breaking through her usually serious front. "besides, we have a lot to discuss about the whole gaea thing, and who better to bring than you? you're my right hand woman."
you tried to hide a smile at her words, but sweet-talk always won you over. "ugh, fine. i guess i'll go."
something was up. you knew that from the moment she asked you to "wear something other than purple for once." who even owned anything but purple!? heck, you didn't even know reyna had different clothes outside of uniform! was that even allowed? you'd only ever seen her wear the same shirt as you, and a toga if the event accounted for it.
you sifted through your wardrobe, digging through masses of violet and coming up blank. oh well, guess its uniform time again. not that you minded all that much.
"you are changing." reyna shook her head, giving you a disappointed look only a mother could offer. this wasn't even a big deal! what was so wrong with your shirt? you rather liked purple!
"but why!? what better way to represent rome than this?" you gestured to your clothing. "aren't we talking business? also this is like the only shirt i have."
"because-"
"you just wanna look all pretty for your boyfriend." you cut her off, faking a gag. "doesn't mean i have to look pretty."
her shoulders tensed and you drew back, already anticipating her near-fatal blow.
"reyna? you know i was just kidding- OW!"
"-wait this is so my color actually." you checked yourself in her mirror. who knew reyna had fashion sense? although not much was required for a simple shirt and jeans.
she nodded and got to her feet. "suits you well. consider it my apology."
"huh? apology for what? for hitting me? aww you're so-"
"no. for what's about to happen to you." a solemn expression took over her face. she was well aware of your exaggerated hatred for couples. maybe you were just a bitter single, but she wasn't about to tell you that. she hoped you would soon be taken (not literally) and stop harassing her for her romantic escapades.
that was ominous. should you be scared for your life? "what the hell does that even mean?"
oh. now you knew exactly what it meant. as the two of you boarded the argo ii, she was immediately swept into a bone-crushing hug by jason, as if he couldn't bear to let her go ever again. you almost threw up at the sight. how could your beloved best friend be reduced to a lovesick schoolgirl at the touch of a man!? a man that had forgotten her! (and remembered, and apologized, and confessed his love- okay, you were starting to see her side quite clearly)
you turned your head away entirely, not wanting to see all that. but everywhere you looked, a new couple seemed to pop up. it was like your worst nightmare come to life. percy and annabeth? piper and some girl? frank and hazel? holding hands? since when were they a thing!? sweet hazel and shy frank? they were—admittedly—adorable, but still!
your only respite was leo looking just as exasperated as you. he must have it way worse; he had to live here with all of them. you shuddered. you were glad you weren't in his place right now.
you stood awkwardly to the side as they reunited. do they do this all the time? and everyone's just cool with it? maybe they can relate, with their taken-ness and all. ugh.
leo peeked at you curiously from the corner of his eye. your expression was as clear as day, face scrunched up in disdain as he traced your gaze to the practically infinite amount of couples onboard. he nodded internally, knowing exactly how you were feeling. but hey, he couldn't just let a pretty girl like you stay unhappy on his ship, not if he could help it!
"hey there," leo said smoothly, or as smooth as he could be after he had almost tripped on the crack between the floorboards. "i'm leo."
finally! someone had the decency to entertain you. "i know you! you're the guy that made octavian throw a hissy fit for firing at new rome!" shit, was that a weird thing to say for a first time interaction? too late now.
the brunette cringed at the mention of his possession. "uh, that's not what most people know me by, but yeah..?"
"oh? and what do most people know you by?" consider yourself intrigued.
leo perked up at your question, having been given an amazing opportunity to charm you. "well obviously it's my rugged good looks, and ingenious inventions, and-"
"we're starting dinner now!" jason called out from the dining table, before recieving an elbow to the gut from reyna and a harsh whisper from piper.
you were lost in your thoughts, zoning out as everyone spoke around you. leo's actually kinda... a tiny part of you popped the idea into your head. he was kinda, indeed. gods, i hate couples. a much larger portion of your mind seemed to yell. do you, or do you just hate being single? you asked yourself. huh. well it's probably-
a cough to your left caught your attention. it was leo. when his brown eyes met yours, you couldn't see a trace of that same boy who was described a traitor and a freak for firing at new rome. maybe something really did possess him.
"wanna know how i built this ship?" he asked excitedly. it was clear that the argo ii was his pride and joy.
"yeah!" you grinned, his cheerfulness rubbing off on you. who cares if he fired on new rome anymore? that was so last tuesday.
"so first, i had this cool metal dragon..."
unbeknownst to you, annabeth whispered across the table to reyna. "i think it's working?"
so, the dinner wasn't anything about business. you did learn a ton from leo though! that was business enough wasn't it? still, you couldn't help the pang of guilt that came with not getting anything work-related done. it was practically in your genes as a roman.
"y/n! you should stay the night!" hazel encouraged from the sofa across you. she was met with choruses of yeahs! and you shoulds! by the other girls, including reyna.
"oh!" you laughed awkwardly, trying to think of a way to politely turn them down. as much as you would love to stay and get to know them, you had a job to do. even if that job was getting all the legionnaires in your cohort to bed by curfew. (like seriously, the amount of times you've had to reel in couples you caught sneaking out was crazy. maybe that's where your hatred came from.) "i'd love to, but i have... centurion duties and all that."
"but reyna has praetor duties and she's staying," annabeth argued. her gray eyes shone with an intensity you only saw on the battlefield. what was going on?
that was new information to you. "you're staying?" you questioned your friend, who looked away with a hint of embarrassment.
"jason's leaving soon," she coughed. after being apart for so long, you could hardly blame her for wanting a little more time with him. "but that's besides the point. you should stay."
you crossed your arms, trying to come up with another excuse. "uh, i don't have clothes to change into?" it was a weak attempt, but you hoped it would work.
"i can lend you some," hazel piped up from the side, obviously eager to make you stay.
aw. she was always so nice. but you had a feeling there was an underlying motive you just couldn't figure out.
you tried again. "i don't think there's a spare room for me to sleep in."
"there's an empty one by leo," piper pointed out.
well, that was it. they refuted all your claims and left you no choice but to stay. you heaved a sigh and relented. "fine."
you weren't sure how it happened, but you ended up with leo again. so much for girls night. but you couldn't complain, leo was good company. he never let the silence stew between you guys for too long, always switching between one topic to the next, until somehow, you were both talking shit about your pathetic love lives and the insufferable ones of those around you.
"you wouldn't believe how many times i've caught these people! i swear, they can never keep it in their pants for more than two seconds! it's like, trauma at this point!" you rolled your eyes, absolutely abhorring the new legionnaires in your cohort.
leo laughed, a sound that made your heart skip a beat. he looked over his shoulder, before leaning in as if telling you a secret. "like two days ago, i caught jason and reyna making out! he had hickies all over his neck!"
you gasped at the scandalous behavior of the two most serious people you knew. "what!? no way..."
the curly-haired boy nodded vehemently. "yes way! it was so gross."
eventually, it was time for the both of you to say your goodnights. leo led you to your room, giving you a cheeky wink before he retreated into his own. you shut the door, and threw yourself into bed.
maybe it was the unfamiliar environment, maybe it was the fact that you were way up in the air, or maybe it was leo running circles around your mind. whatever the reason was, you couldn't sleep. or maybe you chose not to, just to have an excuse to see the stars. the time when they were out was the only time you'd allow yourself a break.
you crept out of the room, careful not to make noise as you made your way out onto the deck. the air was crisp, a gentle bite against your skin. it seemed that the god of the sky was on your side tonight, for the clouds were nowhere to be seen, only the full moon of artemis and the familiar stars shone. you made yourself comfy on the floor, leaning back against the railing as you took a deep breath.
it would be another night of no sleep for leo, that much he could tell. he groaned into his pillow. he couldn't tell if it was the new crush already forming on you, or his angst from a few days before. regardless, his nervous energy made him get up and pace the room, fidgeting with a screw he found on the floor. with footsteps light, he traveled the small area, before something told him to get some fresh air. he obliged. it was better than being in his stuffy room.
as he went up the stairs to the upper level, he caught sight of a figure in the distance. leo's curiosity spiked. he walked closer, the image of you coming into view. your eyes locked on his, a soft smile gracing your face at seeing him. "hey."
"hey." leo dipped his head in greeting, and sat down beside you. "mind if i sit here?"
you shook your head and returned your gaze to the starry night sky, a comfortable silence settling between you two, with only the tapping of leo's fingers against the floor filling the air. it was different, being alone with him. he seemed different. he was quieter, more mellow.
"i hate nights." leo blurted out, breaking the peace you two had shared.
"really?" you asked softly. he braced himself with the condescending remark that was sure to come after, but it never came. instead he received a genuine interest from you. "why's that?"
the boy felt his heart beat a little faster. was he really going to tell you, a girl he barely knew, his whole life story? perhaps it was the late hour that made him want to spill everything out. or the feeling that stirred whenever he looked at you, like magnets attracting. and so he did.
and you listened without any interruption, never followed up with that remark he was waiting for, never gave him the pity he hated. instead, you followed up with your own story.
"i love nights. for me, it's the only time i really feel free. when everyone else is asleep, and it's just you and the stars. away from all the rules." you looked up. they seemed so close from here, way up in the floating ship. they twinkled like glitter, flashing heys and hellos and nice to see you agains. it was beautiful.
leo admired you the way you did the stars. they reflected off your eyes and made your irises shine, the same way fire casted a diffused glow on everything around it. maybe nights weren't so bad after all, if every one of them would be spent with you.
and when you leaned against him to rest your head on his shoulder, whispering secrets into his ear? oh, caligula would have blushed. (leo knows he sure did)
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"operation get leo a girlfriend, complete!"
"i thought we were calling it operation get y/n a boyfriend?"
"whatever. operation leoy/n is a success!"
"...you know we can hear you guys, right?"
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I need to get it out of my chest so here's some Striker theories/speculations fandom has come up with that I heavily dislike and why.
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Striker has some royalty blood from one parent or both.
Oh God that would suck so much if it became canon cause it absolutely defeats the purpose of his character so far, that of being a lower class imp hating royals with valid reasons even if his actions are violent and sadistic.
As he is he has such an interesting antagonistic role in the story and offers a bunch of good lines directly opposing and questioning the heroes values, choices and morality.
His mere presence and open bashing of the upper class is just good social commentary! If his hatred stems from a combination of his narcissistic nature and bitterness that being born an imp (even mixed or hybrid) robs him from ascending further into the social ladder or even if he survived a traumatic encounter with a royal as its implied and it's fuelled by anger or a combo of all those things all are good for telling a compelling story! All can be done in very interesting ways!
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But making him yet another character tied closer to royalty than just being a random person that got screwed over is honestly an underwhelming concept.
Getting screwed over for no good or justified reason should be common with Hell's racist and classist system as its been presented so far and we should get confirmation of that instead of having Striker added to the trend of each of the main characters having special connections with higher ups. It's not only redundant at this point but would make his motivation and social commentary that much weaker.
I swear if it just becomes another daddy or mommy issue imma rage quit so fast!
Striker is half shark demon
His sound design is explicitly constantly emulating the noises a rattlesnake makes. Since he's most likely a hybrid and he says to Blitzo how they are "superior to most of our kind" he's definitely part imp. So we got two halves and we got snake demon and imp, so it's basically covered? lol I don't know how this theory became so popular😅
He doesn't even look close to the design of the other sharks
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he only looks like Chaz a little bit.
And lots of characters share similar characteristics like that snout.
This one had some merit with the ringed eyes and imma be real I haven't noticed those elsewhere but like even if he had a grandpa shark what purpose would that serve?
Bah I just don't like it. Let the man be a slimy snake! Its more unique and it suits him better!
Striker is asexual cause he got grossed out by sex jokes
No...just no..
To be clear you could totally read him as asexual! But the reason being the damn sex jokes is giving me whiplash. Striker got flustered and frustrated at best cause the timing of each sex joke was inappropriate as all hell and cause everyone did it as he tried to be intimidating and threaten/kill them. If anything they were bruises to his ego not any indication to his libido.
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But like... In all seriousness asexual confirmation deserves more than a reaction to sex jokes.
Hellaverse does it better with Alastor. In his case it does tie in with his sexuality.
Same goes with all the theories that he's homophobic too.
He did the sexy villain thing trying to seduce Blitzo like so explicitly and smiled when Blitzo called it hot then! What are you talking about?
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Different situation, more receptive to sexual undertones and instigating them too. That's what I'm trying to say!
And again. Asexual reading can apply. But it can't be just the sex jokes alright?!😭
(yeah yeah it's a joke on itself. still valid I get it.)
Striker is related to Crimson and Moxxie.
Oh this one is the worst one and absolutely gives me a heart attack and thank goodness for the crew's soft confirmation that they aren't via strixxie fanart cause no joke I'd cry since its my favourite ship!
It's just similar horns!!! Striker was designed as a mix between Moxxie and Blitzo and that's the only reason why!
Striker also had sexual tension with Blitzo on screen are you gonna tell me they are related too cause he was designed with half of him in mind?
I hate this theory so much.
Granted purely for shipping reasons but holy shit it got popular and I hated that!
I've had enough with turning every ship into potential incest just cause and harassing fans over it!
Got such "Fizz and Blitzo are siblings" deja vu😬
Ahem...
Anyways yeah that's all.
To end it more positively I love the snake man! Didn't spot him on the trailer but still hope we see him in the upcoming episodes🥺
Preferably doing shit like this and traumatizing everyone lmao! (with no godawful statue jokes in sight thank you very much)
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Could we get a fic where Retro's sick?
I feel like after Retro came into the Vees' lives that the trio would basically forget how to do the tasks Retro took over and enter full blown panic mode if Retro ever got sick.
Not a fic, but here’s some ideas as to how it’d go!
-When Retro gets sick, they are dying from like, everything. Remember, sea bunnies have high tolerance to poisons toxins, and I’m pretty sure, germs. Like everything else with Retro, it doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it’s bad.
-they are super sensitive to everything. From touch, to sound, to smell, taste and seeing. The lights have to be dim.
-they hate bright lights (Vox has to dim his screen and Val’s not allowed to bring a lamp) silence will probably lead to crying, they’ll need some background noises. Static or ambience will do the trick.
-above all else? They cannot be trusted to be left alone.
-Retro wants food, but their stomach hurts. They specifically want the food that only they can cook, so they can’t even have the food they’re craving because they can’t cook because they’re sick.
-they want cuddles, hugs, and kisses but can’t have any because touching them is the equivalent to touching an actual sea bunny- which means you’ll be poisoned. Vox is the only one who’s immune because he’s biomechanical.
-They sleep walk and hum a bit, which terrifies Valentino. They’ll wander around and try to clean, but it’s just a bunch of stumbling and half hearted tunes. They try to take a shower but can’t manage on their own and end up calling Vox in for back up (He’d be watching the cameras in their room and realize when they’ve been in there for too long)
-Retro will probably be very clingy and whiny, on the verge of tears at all times. They want love and affection but they can’t have it! They just want love and snuggles. Being sick sucks.
-Alastor comes over when he finds out, much to Voxs dismay. He cooks, gets Niffty to help clean (Val is stuck in Voxs office, or leaves the tower altogether, trying to avoid her wrath) and Alastor stays with Retro a good amount of the time. He plays little show tunes and sets up a radio in their room so they always have some music or white noise to keep them company if he isn’t around.
-Vox visits as often as he can manage, trying to soothe Retro. He sings little lullabies sometimes, giving them little kisses and assuring them it’ll be okay.
-Retro likes the hum of Voxs TV static (and the noises his TV head makes in general) better than the same tunes playing on the radio on repeat. They’re grateful that Alastor is helping and was thoughtful enough to gift it to them, but the sound of Voxs static is more familiar and comforting to them.
-Velvette gets stuck with laundry, and she soon realizes why Retro is always complaining about Val’s outfits. She’s also very stressed and panicked and constantly asking Vox how Retro is holding up.
-Val is in charge of cooking and doing dishes, when Alastors not around. There are notably fewer glasses broken than usual when he’s cooking, since he’s making an attempt to keep calm and quiet so Retro can rest.
-Vox doesn’t take on many more responsibilities, he’s with Retro most of the time. If he’s forced to actually go to work, he’ll spend the entire time worrying and doing research to find out what he can do to help.
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Stuffed animals I think Dethklok would give each other
Not trying to infantilize, they all get them those fuckin man babies.
Probably cringe but I could care less honestly 😭
Not proofread suck a fart
Nathan
Pickles gets him a whale. It's a reference to the whale he'll see so maybe next time he can relate it to his stuffed animal and not worry. They also stand for strength, which adds to the overall meaning of getting over fears.
Murderface would get him a lion. He says it's a jab at how much of a perfectionist he needs to be to be proud of his work. They're also just hella fucking brutal. Lions for the win
Skwisgaar would get him some type of fish. It doesn't matter which one, just whichever he finds first. They won't be very big, just little plushies.
Toki would get him a German Shepherd. He thinks it's a cool dog and I like to think it's Nathan's favorite. He would probably get the black ones to match Nathan's hair. He likes how they're actually cute but look brutal.
Charles isn't a big giver, especially with stuffed animals. If he finds one of those brutally cute things like the baphomet plushies he'll get them. Other than that, he's just too busy to look for insanely interesting ones.
Skwisgaar
Nathan would get him that alien plush from Ikea. I don't know why that was the first thing I thought of, but it was. It's called like Aftonsparv I think. They just both find it chucklesome.
Pickles would get him a wolf. I like to think that he just obsesses over wolves sometimes and Pickles feels the need to add fuel to fire.
Murderface would get him an arctic fox. He likes to say that Skwisgaar is from the North Pole up with "Santy Claus". He also just likes them.
Toki would get him a polar bear. I just think that everyone collectively thinks that Skwisgaar is an arctic man. He's pale and has ice blue eyes so it makes sense to me.
Toki
Nathan would get him a bunny because it's his spirit animal. (Ie. The episode they aired Bloodlines, I can never remember the name)
Pickles would get him little sharks. Think Blåhaj and things related. He just thinks they're cute and Toki loves them.
Murderface would get him a tiger. He says it's better because it's like a house cat but metal. Toki would argue that house cats are quite metal, but to no avail.
Skwisgaar would get him big octopuses. He would either say it was the Kraken or Cthulhu. Whichever he felt like it being.
Pickles
Nathan would get him just that. Pickles. It would be like the Cat v Pickle plushies and if it was a cat he'd just give it to Toki or something. He thinks it's the funniest shit ever
Murderface would get him an orca. They're hella brutal and he thinks it's funny that they're actually dolphins (don't fact check me i'm pretty sure that's true)
Toki is getting him dolphins. They're the shark and dolphin duo and it's so fun. It's a gag at this point, they'll buy each other the ugliest ones.
Skwisgaar would give him a frog. He just think it fits Pickles's vibe and appearance. Not to say he's an ugly frog.
Murderface
Nathan would get him a pig. At first it seems like a jab at him, but pigs are cute! They're also known to be smart and clean, at least from what a teacher told me once.
Pickles would get him those plushies of his favorite chip bags because they're just so fun. they also crinkle because why wouldn't they.
Toki would get him lions because they're also brutal cats and he thinks he should get the same thing. Also he needs some strength in his life the poor guy.
Skwisgaar would get him a manatee. It's just an ongoing joke since the events of Doublebookedklok. They giggle about it when they get too high sometimes.
Charles
He's the gifter this time
He hates when the guys get him things because he thinks they should use their money on "more useful" things.
He'll get Nathan those Baphomet plushies. They don't have to be generally big, but if he sees one he'll get it.
Pickles would get a horse or two from him. Specially the white and black ones, considering those are the most metal horses.
Murderface would get a wrench from this son of a bitch. Not a real one like a stuffed one I hope that was clear. I think they'd both giggle a little bit.
He's also a Toki cat giver. Specifically Calico cats. If he finds one that looks like Really Cool Cat then he'll get it for sentiment.
He'll get Skwisgaar an owl. He thinks it matches him and is majestic like he is, while still kind of creepy. Also spirit animal mention.
That's it I hope you fucks enjoyed <33
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queenofmistresses · 16 hours
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subby velvette… she’s getting ready, or trying to, and gets really frustrated n just hates everything she tries on until she’s crying and worked up so reader comforts her and coddles her… then absolutely brutally fucks the thoughts out of her head til she’s dumb and ditzy n no longer caring about her outfit please please please n lots of dumbification cause it’s cute <333
Late night writing with no previous thoughts about it? Would you have it any other way babes? Hope you like it 😚 i tried to be mean but it’s not my strength
A/n everything they do has previous been established as okay in the relationship and everything is completely consensual. That being said- warnings: dumbification, reader slaps velvette, umm that’s all I can really think of. Not proofread!
Watching Velvette do this incessant routine every morning was honestly exhausting. Every morning she spends an hour deciding what to wear and always thinks she looks awful in all of them. She doesn’t. She looks fucking hot in all of them. And then eventually she settles on something and gets on with her work.
For some reason though, it seems to be taking a lot longer to get to that last step than usual. Her entire wardrobe is on the floor, and that’s impressive considering the size of her wardrobe. I watch her rip the last dress off and collapse on the floor as choked sobs suddenly come out of her.
I sigh and walk over to her softly, sitting on the floor next to her and pulling her onto my lap with ease. Her entire body curls into me, like she wants to be as close as she possibly can. I hold her close by the waist and stroke her hair with my other hand, letting her sob into my shoulder. It’s unusual for Vel to break down like this, this has obviously been building up for a while, with all of the stress Vox has been causing with Alastor back and Val being his usual dick self I can’t say I’m that surprised.
“Why do I look so fucking awful in everything I wear?” As she says it I realise exactly what she needs to get over this. I tug on her hair slightly, getting her to sit back slightly to look at me.
“You want my complete honesty here sweetheart?” I ask as kindly as I can. Seeing her stare up at me and nod, I smile. “You don’t look awful, you look gorgeous. But you have too much going on right now, and you’re far too dumb to handle all of it! So your stupid little brain is telling you that you look bad to try and avoid leaving to do your work.” Yes some of that is bullshit, she’s a fucking genius, but where’s the fun in that? I much prefer her dumb and stupid for me.
She sniffs and then blinks, the crying seems to have taken it out of her a bit. “You think?” She asks, and there’s an almost innocence in the way she does and it only spurs me on further.
“I know.” I correct, “You do a great job of pretending to be smart but we both know it’s not the truth. You can’t function on your own, I mean look at you! You can’t even get dressed without needing me to dry your tears.” I stroke her cheek gently before holding her chin to make sure she’s looking at me. “Quite frankly it’s pathetic how much you need me, fucking co-dependent. You’re lucky I’m so good to you.”
Apparently I made the right call, because the next thing I know she’s sat up and straddling me, her arms wrapped around my shoulders with an excited look on her face. “Uh huh you’re right mommy, I need you so fucking bad-”
I press my thumb against her lip, effectively shutting her up, and she opens her mouth, letting my thumb press against her tongue as she sucks on it. “Uh uh,” I chastise, “No more swearing for you.” She nods frantically as I press my thumb further into her mouth, watching as she practically drools over it.
I slowly pull my thumb out letting her talk again- though she doesn’t seem too pleased at the lack of something in her mouth. “Please mommy, I want you to take care of me please, I can’t do it anymore. Just want to let you take over.”
I know that a part of her actually means it, it’s not just an in the moment thing for her anymore, she really can’t handle it for much longer. And if what she wants is for me to take over her life for her, then I’m more than happy to, but that’s a discussion for another time.
“Don’t you worry my little princess, mommy’s gonna take care of everything from now on. All you need to worry about is being dumb and pretty, and letting mommy use you, okay?” She nods again, “Words baby.”
“Yes mommy, please.” She’s grinding on my lap now, her beautiful tits bouncing in my face from where she’s just wearing a bra and panties. It’s such a pretty sight, but it can only get better. I reach behind her with one hand and unclasp her bra, pulling it off her and watching her tits bounce even more. She lets out a sigh and just grinds against me even more, I know it won’t be long until she gets tired of this and needs me to take over, but it’s so pretty I let her keep trying to get herself off on me.
When I feel her slowing down, I stand up and take her with me, her legs quickly wrapping around me as she stops moving, “I didn’t say you could stop.” I look at her, raising my eyebrows as I can practically see her cheeks heat up as she nods and attempts to keep grinding against me. I can tell how humiliating it must be, especially as I can see her struggling, but I can also see how much she’s enjoying being humiliated like this. I carry her to the bedroom and lie her down on the bed, but she stays gripping onto me, desperately trying to get off on me. It’s cute. I pull her off me despite her whines of protest and begin to strip down, and get my strap on. She stops complaining once she sees that.
“You’re such a fucking whore princess aren’t you?” I tease as I bring myself onto the bed and play with her nipples, making her moan as she nods just barely. “Enjoying me telling you how fucking stupid you are? I know how much you love it when mommy takes control but this is pitiful. You’re such a needy bitch.” She practically groans at this.
I lie her down beneath me, pressing a hard kiss against her lips before trailing down to her neck. I slowly bring my hand down her body, making sure to pay attention to every part of her before my hand reaches her core. I slowly start teasing her clit, letting her close her eyes as her head leans back against the mattress, and I start to go faster.
She’s so needy it doesn’t take long to bring her close to the edge. “You better fucking ask before you cum you slut.” I practically spit at her, slowing down my assault on her swollen clit.
“Please, mommy please.” She tries but I don’t let her get away with it.
I slap her, not hard enough to leave anything permanent but the bright mark on her face is definitely hot. “That was pathetic, you ask properly or I leave you here to deal with yourself alone, is that what you want bitch?”
She starts to shake her head but quickly catches herself, “No mommy I-I don’t.” She swallows, “Please can I cum mommy? Please?” When I don’t immediately respond she quickly starts begging more, “Please mommy I’ll do anything, just wanna cum please, I’ve been so good.”
“Aw I suppose you have, haven’t you?” I rub my fingers faster against her clit watch her lose all trail of thought as she gets to the brink again and just as I can see she’s about to topple over I stop completely. “But I want you to cum on my cock baby.”
She pleads in desperation, a series of ‘please mommy’ and ‘was so close mommy’ chants leaving her pretty mouth. As she keeps talking I slide in 2 of my fingers to her mouth and watch as she starts to suck on them dutifully without a thought. I could watch that show for a very long time, but I’m in the middle of something.
I grab the lube from our side table and lather it on, making sure she won’t get actually hurt. Then I line my cock up with her pretty hole, watching it clench around nothing before I push myself inside with ease. Once I’ve given her a moment to get used to it, I pull out almost completely and slam back into her as she groans against my fingers.
As I set a fast rhythm in and out of her, I keep reminding her just how much of a slut she looks like, just how pathetic it is that she lets me do this to her.
This time when she gets to the edge I do let her cum, and fuck does she cum. When I pull out her legs are shaking and she looks so spaced out that I’d be surprised if she could form a sentence.
I clean her up with a towel and smile as she giggles at the feeling, then I lie down next to her and pull her into me, covering us in blankets and pressing a kiss to her as she dozes off
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obae-me · 8 hours
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Omg Hi!!! It has been so long since I have seen you on my dash! How are you doing love? I hope you are doing super well ^.^ I recently saw your Mc with trauma post. I loved it so much, and it has also given me a lot to mull over the past few days lol.
Honestly I love the idea of a traumatized Mc and the brothers feeling like absolute shit for the way they treated them in the beginning... but yk another part of me wonders when I imagine my own traumas in that scenario... that for people (the bros- literal demons) who have faced so many things and traumas in their own lives, whether my feelings or pain is even comparable to that. Ik you can't compare things like that and the brothers would probably even be mad if I think of my feelings this way since it's the "Ohhhh someone always has it worse. It's not even that bad so just suck it up" self-deprecating part of me. Despite knowing ALL THAT I can't help but think that I am not traumatized enough to deserve empathy lmao (I realize how stupid it sounds saying it out loud).
So that is what REALLY got me thinking. What about an Mc that is genuinely terrified of scrutiny, being a nuisance and just basically inconveniencing anyone for things that are just basic needs. Idk if I am explaining it well enough oof and a mc like that (like me lmao) certainly won't bode well with Lucifer. Atleast not in the beginning. I could hate him (I could never but if I did) but still be terrified of disappointing him. This is what I mean when I say I love him but he reminds me too much of my father habits wise 🤢.
I am thinking a Mc who is afraid of asking even their basic needs at the beginning once Lucifer mumbled about them being too much trouble. Mc who feels so extremely guilty when the brothers get anything for them, cuz they feel like they have to work for it or they don't deserve it. Mc whose blood freezes over when they break something and try to replace it as quick as possible so no one blames them. Mc who never expresses their concerns so as to not add to the brothers' already full plates or worry them. It hurts to bottle it all up but seeing the brothers' concerned faces with so much PITY is a thousand times worse. Mc who never complains and adjusts to even unfair situations so as to not be a bother. Mc who just takes, takes and takes everything bad and doesn't say a word cuz they feel like they deserve it. Mc who tells little white lies to hide their flaws and be the perfect exchange student and avoid scoldings and criticisms ; only to stew in shame, disgust, self-loathing when someone eventually catches up on one of the lies (the person probably didn't even make a big deal of it/ was only mildly disappointed but Mc feels their heart breaking in two as they think they have broken their trust forever and would never be trusted again)
Gosh this got way longer than I was expecting >.< and a lot of signs like these aren't really obvious until you are close to that person. I think so many of us are so hard and rutheless to ourselves when sometimes the thing we need the most is a little compassion and understanding ;-;
Hi! I love seeing you in my inbox and thank you! I've been in recovery mode for the last few months but am finally coming back out of that cave and working on my hobbies again (seriously going too long without writing almost feels like going without food for me)! I hope you've been doing well too!
And oof, yes, I understand what you're saying completely. I'm like that too in a lot of ways, keeping certain details or complaints to myself because "Oh surely what I've been to is really nothing". And sometimes I let something slip and people get very concerned. Which is validating in a way, not that I need to be validated for it, everyone goes through their own pain and awful things SUCK no matter to what extent it is and I've had to learn that through my life.
(Wow that MC really is just me, huh? Calling me out are you? /j)
Honestly this type of MC is just canon to me. (I mean, the more pithy responses the MC has in original OM might just be due to writing but to me it just seems like the calm and general response of someone throwing out NPC answers as a survival tactic.)
They suck things up and soak up everything that's been said to them and work hard to remain a normal functioning being.
And of course Lucifer is an interesting character to think about with this MC because on one hand the human could absolutely despise him for the way he treats them. Or on the other hand (if you're like me I guess, which I realize is hella unhealthy, oops) the MC could look up to him and work extra hard to try to gain his validation, because getting praise from someone like that means you must not be a failure, right?
And just...the dynamic of that is so appealing to me, because Lucifer loves when people work hard and do what they're told, but then if he finally comes to the realization that they're burning out and actually almost putting themselves in more danger and harm because of HIM? And at the end of the day he's doing more damage than any of his chaotic brothers? (I like to have him spiral and be humbled just a bit)
Just all of the brothers doing some deep introspection once they come to care for MC and needing to sit down and realize that probably made their human feel so much worse and then spending the rest of eternity trying to fix that. And then the "I can fix him" mentality from MC turns into the "I can fix them" from every other character. A special Uno Reverse, if you will.
Oops, this turned into a fairly long ramble of my own...
Thanks for popping into my inbox with your thoughts! Traumatized MC deserves some extreme love
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puppyeared · 4 months
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i feel shy talking here when i dont have anything worth sharing but i cant help feeling like ive said things in the tags that could be brought up in court
#im joking#i think i just get embarrassed saying smth that most ppl can see out in the open. its like when prey animals are grazing in a pasture#and then they hear a twig snap yk. im like that. but talking in the tags is more comfortable because it just feels more.. hidden?? quiet???#its kind of like how i prefer responding thru asks than DMs.. idk if it has something to do with space or less pressure#i also use these as an excuse to ramble a little abt recent events so. ive worked a little bit on shuffle and prestos backstories ^_^#i was thinking abt giving them a shared past where they knew each other as kids and forgot but i also though hmm.. idk if it would drive th#story i want bc i think itd be better if they bonded over similar experiences instead of the fact that they knew each other before. i get#that reconnecting and reconciling your idea of someone now and then is a good concept but id have to think abt it.. i dont want it to feel#like they owe each other to be friends again just bc they were as kids. ive experienced that a lot and all it did was make me feel guilty#so i think id want to write it as u can be friends with someone who had similar experiences and make u wish you knew each other then#i also know theyd hate each other but idk HOW. i suck at writing conflict so idk if theyd try to make each other eat glass and why#idk if itll ever come up but id also like to see if theres a way i could rationalize why they have animal ears.. normally i say aliens#but ive had an idea for a species and background for that too. although its very abstract and it probably has a lot of holes#smth abt peoples souls attaching themselves to smth they identify with.. although i dont know to what extent like if it can#be called a sona or if it can even be smth mythical like a unicorn or god itself.. its very weird rn#yapping#oc talk
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sonknuxadow · 5 days
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they werent lying that knuckles series barely has knuckles in it
#i pirated that shit Btw just so we're clear. also gonna talk about it a little bit in the tags#nothing too spoilery but also might not wanna read if you want to go in knowing absolutely nothing? idk#anyway he WAS a main character still he was present for a decent amount of the first couple episodes#but the amount of screentime he gets just starts dropping after that . hes barely there at all in the second half ???#and it feels like theres a lot of scenes mostly focusing on wade and his problems and not near as many for knuckles and his whole deal#overall it feels more like a wade show with knuckles in it than a knuckles show with wade in it. which sucks#and human characters having plot relevance isnt the problem here i dont mind human characters at all i think they can be really fun#its the fact that the human characters are taking over the story and spotlight when the show is called knuckles#and all the marketing makes it look like knuckles is the main focus#and i also would have preferred if they just went with a differnet character to be knuckles' human friend#because i dont particulraly care about wade. and the knuckles (and sonic and tails) i know would not be friends with cops </3#well at least the story wasnt knuckles training wade to be a better cop like a lot of people were expecting but thats like.the bare minimum#also aside from the issues relating to knuckles' screentime (or lack of screentime) i thought the ending was unsatisfying#regardless of all that though there WERE some parts i enjoyed or found kind of funny or whatever. because knuckles so cutesy as always#knuckles being a cute little guy is the most important part of the show actually#and i liked the parts with sonic tails and maddie even if they were only there for like 5 minutes#(i really wish those three had gotten more screentime. i feel like they could have easily worked in at least one more scene with them)#and its a minor thing but the opening sequence is cute. was honestly expecting just a title card or something#overall the show is just . kind of okay i guess. not the worst thing ive ever seen but still disappointing ? idk how to explain..#my expectations also werent very high in the first place#so maybe im being a bit more generous than i would have been otherwise. idk#and i definitely would not recommend this to anyone who already dislikes the sonic movies . youll probably hate this more#like people who thought the human characters got too much screentime in the second movie would lose their minds if they saw this
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strawberrysweater · 4 months
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watching an ongoing let's play of v3 and they just finished all of kiibo's free times and what they decided to take away from the fifth one is "wooow haha kiibo's a bad person shuichi has terrible taste in friends!! he sees shuichi as beneath him wow he's doing a terrible job being a person he's rude and he sucks that's so funny LOL fuck this guy" i think perhaps i will just stop watching this series :') they had so much great insight about all the characters and the plot but of course not about my fave :') of course they overlook the line where he literally admits that way of thinking was wrong and he wants to start over.... yes he's not perfect of course that was a jerk move but he's trying that's the whole point of his character is that he's learning and wants to learn.... i thought it was rlly funny the roundabout way he admits he was wrong, and how shuichi doesn't even take it badly he just wanted to know why kiibo used to talk to him like that.... but now every time he shows up they're probably just gonna insult him or whatever :')
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comradedanipedrosa · 10 months
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italictext · 1 month
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I desperately need to befriend a Death Note fan irl who likes Death Note the way I do.. The only DN fans I've met irl are anime only Near haters :'(
#I NEED someone to shake while I rant to them about Death Note pls pls pls#I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO GIGGLE WITH WHILE WE STARE AT DEATH NOTE PANELS PLS PLS PLS#My sister has seen Death Note but she's not really into it + anime only + Near hater </3#It sucks to remember that the Death Note fandom isn't just my mutuals.. Some people genuinely hate Near :((#I LOVE the anime the animation is beautiful the soundtrack is beautiful and OOOOO THE COLOR CODING EEEE but#It butchered the 2nd half soo so badly and changed Near's personality and I'm not a fan of the ending :(#THE MANGA ENDING IS SOOO SO GOOD AND BEAUTIFUL#OMGGGG when Light admits to being Kira and gives them his speech and calls himself god of the new world AND EEEE NEAR SAYS “NO YOURE JUST A#MASS MURDERER“#LIKE EEEE THAT ALWAYS ALWAYS MAKES ME GIGGLE NEAR WAS SOOO SO COOL FOR THAT LIKE HE'S LITERALLY FACE TO FACE WITH KIRA THE GUY WHO KILLED L#And Near REPEATS IT. HE CALLS HIM “JUST A MURDERER” TWICE.#Sorry but the anime made Near so stupid “lol just let him run away it's not like he'll survive”#I love Near and Light's dynamic so much they're so funny. They have the prettiest panels too#Maybe an unpopular opinion but Near vs Light was wayyy more entertaining that L vs Light#And it hurts me to see people say that it should've ended at the 1st half. I know people can have their own opinions or whatever but THEYRE#WRONG!! DN is SOOO much better with the 2nd half + if it ended at L's death that would've sucked. So glad L died midway#I wish I had a friend I could talk about DN to :( I'll just hope one of my friends decide to watch it because idk how to make new friends#Discord servers scare me and while I love my mutuals if any of you tried to message me I think I'd cry out of nervousness lol#Gosh this is long shoukd I even post this
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sonego · 5 months
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gonna get personal in the tags sorryyyyy
shit i ran out of tags to use GKBKGKDKKDBJDMBMN ok rest under a read more 😭
so okay basically my doctor said sure i'll write you the prescription and also wait should i add it to your regularly taken meds page (so i can request it with a click when i run out)? and i was like yeah that'd be nice and i tried to explain that i thought i would only need for a short period of time but i still need it after many months so... but like he didn't care about the why lol
and anyway now that this has happened i'm like. gonna try to Stop doing what i was doing. there is no good reason to be in pain all the time and make my life harder when taking that dose of my med was working okay and making things considerably better. i don't need to punish myself. this is like so so so hard for me to internalize. being disabled is not a fault. even if it might be my "fault", even if i lowkey feel like i might have contributed to the condition i am in with like, bad choices or whatever, it's still not right to punish myself for it. i'm already unwell, i'm already suffering, what's making it worse gonna do to help? why do i need to feel worse just so i can think i got what i deserve for being in pain in the first place?
so yeah. going back to the higher dose. i hope that makes me feel less pain. i hope i can work without hating every second of it again. i do still hope one day i can get better and not need this med anymore, it's not like i've given up on that bc tbh a lot's still unclear and i will try and see if i can find answers. but in the meantime, no more punishing myself. i need to be okay. i want to be okay.
#called my doctor the other day#bc i needed the prescription for the muscle relaxant i take for my back pain#and i've been needing it for like a while but i kept putting off calling him to get it#there's a few reasons for that one of which is that i hate phone calls in general but especially w doctors#just makes me v v anxious#which is related to another reason which is that i was so scared he'd tell me no bc this was was supposed to be a temporary “fix”#like a little help while i actually got better#which clearly hasn't happened so i still need it but like. i am so used to doctors trying to like decide what i need#not based on my symptoms and needs and what i tell them but just what they think i SHOULD need#bc i SHOULDN'T feel pain i SHOULDN'T need to take that i should just idk excercise and lose weight and try not to be s*icidal and try to#control my moods and oh i shouldn't have headaches almost daily cause they found no medical reason for it#also have i tried sleeping more? have i tried not having insomnia? have i tried smaller doses of x med?#etc etc it's never what i AM experiencing it's what i SHOULD be experiencing. and let me tell you that sucks so bad#my previous gp ruined me so bad and i'm only now realizing it#like every time i need to tell or ask my current gp something i get so anxious bc i'm convinced he'll put up a fight and say no without#listening or he'll write me the wrong prescription or he won't even answer my calls ...........#instead this gp is the opposite#maybe even like. too easily says yes lmao 😭 like i try to talk things thru w him a bit to explain why i need x and he'll just be like#yeah sure here it is and sometimes i feel he's not even listening 🧍🏻#but anyway like. i was kinda punishing myself i think?#i keep trying to lower my dose of muscle relaxant bc i think i shouldn't need it#and i don't want to need it i actually HATE that i need it. it makes me so mad w myself#so i keep trying even if every time i take less i am in so much pain#and these past couple of weeks? or something i did that even more bc i tried to lower it EVEN MORE#even if the 5th attempt to lower it a bit was unsuccessful and i was doing so badly#bc i was running out and i was killing two birds with one stone by trying to lower it so i would be a Better Stronger Nico#and was delaying having to call my doctor#end result: i wanna cry every time i stop (workiny#working* or studying or giffing or doing Whatever)#bc i'm forced to think of the fact i am in pain
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hauntedtotem · 3 days
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I think the biggest red flag for me regarding the hopelesspeaches and lio convoy stuff, their entire group (especially lio) has near identical speech patterns and dynamics as my mom's online friend group. Which is less of a red flag and more of a raging wildfire tbh
#I listened to all the calls when they 'leaked' but I didn't know they were leaks I thought lio posted that stuff proudly#I didn't know that they weren't meant to be seen by the public until just now lol#Anyways I'm pleasantly surprised people are talking about how fucked up they were#Bc tbh when I was like 'oh this makes peaches (and everyone else) look like a bitch kinda' the first time I heard the calls-#I thought I was maybe being too judgey or sensitive or something?#But now everyone else is like 'yeah they are all being bitches actually' im like. Oh! So I understood right and wasn't just overreacting#Mostly bc lio was ranting about being a conservative Christian and weird 'nuclear family values' on one call and my immediate thought was#'oh gross Im too biased against this man to be able to look at this-#-discussion objectively. I'm gonna think he sucks regardless of the situation and therefore idk lf im a fair judge ?'#So it's cool to get confirmation from other ppl saying 'oh no ur right he sucks and here's why'#this is the 2nd time this week I got 'no youre not just overreacting. Other ppl are upset too' validation abt a topic. cool#//shade#I'm sure there's plenty of found family groups online that are great but so many of the ones i hear abt feel like a cult imo#My mom is in a group where this dude calls her and other women there his daughters like lio does to peaches and it feels gross to me idk#Ik everyone craves found family connections but. Idkk it feels weird to be taking that in a literal sense and calling them dad/my daughter#Feels like introducing unnecessary power dynamics.#Theres a difference between 'oh this person is like family to me because we're so close'#vs 'oh i am adopting this person and assuming a parental position over them'. that sounds unhealthy I think ?#Edit I just found out lio posted a response but it's midnight and I have a date tomorrow I'm not watching that rn lol#imo both him and peaches are bad and idc if one is worse than the other or whatever.#Peaches has been two faced for a while; lio might've taken advantage of her bc he's kinda creepy. They're both saying the other abused them#This is like jade and julian talking shit about each other to me. Idc guys I hate both of u srry <3#Iykyk
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sensazioneultra · 9 months
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fatphobia is always tiring like always always but when it comes from your own family it's like. extra exhausting. it hurts soo bad. you can't ever escape it
#like that one coworker who pokes fun at your relationship with food and it's obviously rooted in fatphobia? you'll just go home and he won't#be there it'll hurt for a bit but you'll live#but like beside super dangerous fatphobia (talking life or death shit like medical fatphobia) the one that does the most damage to me#is that coming from my own family.. it's just. you already put 43 conditions before the 'i love you' (that you don't ever say but anyway)#and then when i gained lots of weight that was... another one to add to the list#but maybe i'm not used to it yet idk it's been quite a few years atp but idk?#it just hasn't gotten easier to hear them call me ugly and fat (in a derogatory way) and make mean comments and shame me every other day#like! it hurts so bad! why do you think it's funny!!!!!!!#this doesn't include my mum bc (sadly) she understands what it's like to be shamed for being fat she wouldn't do it to me#not like in a purposefully mean way at least#tho she does do some insidious shit like always going 'there's this new EASY diet that TOTALLY works' or saying x health problem is probably#due to my weight etc#which like isn't good? doesn't help? still hurts me? but it's different bc i know it's not rooted in hating fat people/me being fat#it's more like her own shit she went thru that she doesn't want me to go thru too and like yeah it's fucked up but i get it more than#just outright saying i am disgusting for being fat lol#like mh both suck but at least you're not joking about the fact even if i didn't eat i would be fine cause i'm so fat haha#yeah. just. a lot.#there's no escaping it i think the only way would be to move the fuck out and that would also help with uh. the misgendering thinly veiled#homotransphobia abuse constantly having to put up w their fighting and sometimes fighting w them myself#and the ableism and and and and#basically this is lowkey hell like i've learned to live with it more or less but jesus it is extremely exhausting#i just want out i've wanted out for years but every day i get closer to losing it#there might be something potentially coming up but i have to wait til the end of the month to see if anything comes of it#we'll see.. i rly hope i can rent this place idc if it's small idc if it'll suck most of my paycheck and i'll have to ask for my mum's help#i just need to at least try and get away cause like. i get to august every year and my father is absolutely impossible to deal with#and i know my mum feels the same and i hate leaving her ajnd my brother too but like#at some point i have to think about myself cause god what use am i even to them when i'm a ghost of myself in this house#it's just shit for everyone plus if i really get to rent that place it's literally IN FRONT of my family's apartment i could still help out#but at least i wouldn't LIVE with them i wouldn't feel so fucking trapped#whatever. bad bad bad day physical pain wise too
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unusualshrimp · 1 year
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hmm gender thoughts
#the people who made pronouns page have another website right#and one of the options there is you can pin your gender on a gradient that goes hypermasculine -> androgynous -> hyperfeminine#and it's like a linear gradient and i hate that SO MUCH. this is hostile architecture for Me Specifically#[disclaimer that if you find that type of thing helpful that's completely fine]#but anyway my gender is like. im a guy but not in a trans guy way#and im a girl but NOT in a cis girl way and i call myself girl in my head a lot but i am a bit Sensitive about how other people use it?#and im always thinking too hard about ''are they acknowledging my 5D chess gender or subconsciously saying it because of my appearance''#if someone called me androgynous or whatever im stabbing them though. idk that just feels so... gender neutral? and im not gender neutral#do ya feel me.#i feel a bit silly typing all this but ah this is the transgender website i think u all would understand me#im a guy like. you know the weird guy who shows up overdressed to casual events but he looks nice so its fine really#and also like. guy who always wears black and looks cool [the cool might just be in my head but thats fine]#and. i might have to think harder abt how i feel regarding Girl ™. i dont want to discard it because i do love doing my own thing with it#but also like being perceived as a cis girl (intentionally or unintentionally) makes me want to jump out of my body. lol. anyway#this is all so sucks honestly my favourite gender is just creature.#you see a thing so weird you just go '' oh god what is that'' and not gender. although i do like the flavour of it/its that is so niceys...#oh jesus uhh#long post#<- for the tags
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