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hessofather · 4 months

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Chapter 4: Math is a Drinking Game

While I may not have had the best father in the world, I believe I may have the best grandpa in the world. He is the reason I am who I am today in all the best ways.

Another one of my first memories in life is my grandpa setting me on the hood of his truck and getting surrounded by cows and screaming. I heard my grandpa chuckle and say “go on now ladies, git.” Then seeing him emerge from the cattle, looking like an old cowboy Jesus, picking me up, and setting me in the truck saying “you stay put, I’ll be right out here. Don’t drink my beer” I drank the beer.

I spent a lot of my time with my grandpa as a kid. Most of the time was spent going out to count cattle and then heading out to the bar, where I’d walk up to old men and start talking until they’d finally cave and give me pool table money, just to get me out of their hair. When I got tired of playing pool I’d find my grandpa sitting at the bar, tell the bar tender that I wanted my usual, (Rootbeer in a beer bottle), and pop some chew (shredded beef jerky in a can) in my lower lip, and sit in silence as my grandpa watched whatever sport was on the tv that day.

We went out and counted cows, then headed to the bar every Wednesday. Beer was half priced on Wednesdays so my grandpa and I called it “cheapy Wednesday.” After the bar we’d head to the dollar general to pick up snacks for the day, and whatever household item my grandma had requested we pick up. The checkout lady would say “How’s it going Handsome? And hi there brown eyes!” I would smile and my grandpa would say “Oh just got little boss with me today.” We’d finish checking out and he’d say “where to now boss?” By then it was almost lunch time so I would request to go home and have a grilled cheese for lunch. I still to this day believe my grandpa makes the best grilled cheese in the world.

Once we got back to his house he’d make me a grilled cheese, swaying just a little after all the beers he’d just drank. Still though, they came out perfect every time. Once the food was finished cooking we’d head to his sitting room and watch Matlock, Forensic Files, cold cases, and looney toones. I preferred Forensic Files over Cold Cases, but didn’t mind it since my grandpa preferred Cold Cases. I always hated not getting an answer, I’d think about it for days. “It was probably the husband, it always is.” My five-year-old brain concluded.

Once Matlock was over we’d have the rest of the shows playing “in the background” while I did schoolwork. My grandpa was in charge of teaching me science, math, and history. When we’d get to the math portion things always got intense. I sucked at math and so did he. So we’d be struggling to learn it together. He’d finally make a breakthrough and understand the question, try to explain it to me, and fail miserably, take a shot of Jim Beam and tell me the answer saying “you’ll never use that in life anyway.”

My mom worked for my grandma, cleaning house, taking her on errands and to doctors appointments, filling her medication, and cooking. Once my mom was done for the day we’d go home and finish my schoolwork. Spelling, English, Bible, and Music. I played piano for at least 30 minutes to an hour every day after the rest of schoolwork was finished. Then clean until dinner was ready, eat dinner and clean up, take a bath, go to bed. This was my daily routine (minus the bar in the mornings, that was only Wednesdays.) until I was about 13.

My grandpa, while not even technically blood related, was the member of my family I felt the closest and safest with. He would always tell me his version of the day I was born which always went “I looked at you in that little room through the glass, you looked back at me and smiled, because you instantly knew you had me wrapped around your finger.” And boy did I know it. I knew that I could call him up at any hour, day or night, and simply ask him to come over with a snack and he’d be there in about 20 minutes. I always told him “You can say no. I’ll be sad and I might cry. But you can tell me no.” To which he always replied “I can’t say no to you darlin, don’t know how.”

My grandpa and I had lots of little sayings that we’d repeat to each other all the time. Like “I got one fist of iron and another fist of steel, if the left one don’t git ya then the right one will.” “Im a mean motor scooter and a bag go getter.” We had songs we’d sing like a song about how the snakes come out at night, and a song, I recently learned he didn’t make up, called big rock candy mountain. Anytime my grandpa would sing that song I thought it was so silly and that he had just made it up to make me laugh. Finding the actual original version of it on Spotify not too long ago, made me so happy and laugh at the fact that I thought that was his song all these years.

One of our greatest traditions every year was the day before Mother’s Day. He’d take me out to this random spot in the country and we’d stop and pick yellow trumpet flowers, tons of em’. Take them home, cut and wash them, put them in vases and give one set to my grandma and one set to my mom. They acted surprised every single year.

As I got older my grandpa tried to help me navigate being a “young woman” in the best ways he could. I brought a pair of high heels to his house, threw them on the ground frustrated, “I can’t walk in these damn things grandpa. I’d rather just be barefoot.” He said “Now sis, ya can’t be barefoot everywhere you go. Try to walk in them, let me see what yer doin.” I begrudgingly put them back on and tried to walk across the floor, looking like a newborn calf tying to figure out left from right. “I think you need to put more pressure on yer tippy toes. Like this.” To which he stood up on his tippy toes walking a few steps. What he didn’t realize was that my grandma and mom were watching this whole encounter trying their best to not laugh. He noticed them and said “I’m just tryna help the girl out! She’s gotta learn someday somehow. And it ain’t gonna happen if she keeps doin it like that.” To this day I still can’t walk in heels.

I remember bleeding through my shorts when I got my period at my grandpas house. Then out of embarrassment I hid crying and trying to not let my grandpa know that this horrible tragedy had occurred. I became a . . . Woman. Gross. He put two and two together and figured out what had happened, came to the bathroom door and knocked. Then simply asked “you alright sis?” I was crying and angry and said “IM FINE LEAVE ME ALONE.” To which he just chuckled and said “alright I’ll call yer mom.”

My grandpa was the first person to attempt to teach me how to drive, that ended quickly after I put us SLIGHTLY in a ditch. In my defense that was the first time I’d ever heard him yell at me. He was saying “SIS STOP. THE DITCH.” But still, I was upset that he’d yelled. He recalls the story a little differently than I do but my perspective is the only one you’re getting out of me.

I remember after I got one of my first tattoos on my shoulder blade. He came up to me and smiled real big, then gave me a “howdy” kind of smack on the shoulder directly on the tattoo. I winced in pain and he looks at me and laughs saying “Oh I’m sorry sis, I figured that there’s no way that’s real. Since I’ve been tellin you yer whole life not to get tattoos.”

My grandpa will always hold one of the highest places in my mind. Despite his blurry past of things he would never talk about. I choose to see the man that practically raised me instead of whatever version he has made himself to be in his own mind. While he continues to get older, I continue to worry more and more about the dreaded day that he leaves this world. I have all his favorite songs memorized and he tells me “when I go I want you to take my cowboy hats. Yer the only one I trust to wear em’ right.” To which I reply “Well that’s never gonna happen. You’ll be the last one standing on this earth along with the cockroaches.” He’ll chuckle and say “Nope that’s yer grandma. It’ll be her, cockroaches, and Twinkies.” We’ll laugh and it’ll go silent while he resumes watching college football and I sit there trying to not let the lump in my throat win. I dread the day he says goodbye, but I know that every time I think of, or hear his favorite songs, that’ll just be him reminding me that I still suck at wearing heels.

#white trash #family trauma #this is my life #complex ptsd #tw ptsd #ptsd

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watchmegetobsessed · 4 years

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VALERIE - Part IX. (Harry Styles)

yall are gonna hate me for this but it needed to be done IM SORRY! also, i can’t believe valerie is ending this week, just one more part to go! can’twait to read your reactions and thoughts on this part, even though i know yall gonna be upset lmao

word count: 5.6k

SERIES MASTERPOST

masterlist

Some days it truly feels like the universe has plotted against you to make every possible thing go wrong. As if it wants to see just how much you can take before breaking, experiment how long it can dance on your nerves before you end up one of those crazy people who shout at random strangers on the bus for no actual reason.

Starting the day you overslept awfully leaving you only ten minutes before you had to leave. In your hurry you ended up putting on socks that do not match and you were forced to buy a sandwich on your way as breakfast, but you promised you wouldn’t buy packed sandwiches for a reason, this one tasted like it’s been sitting on the shelf for weeks. Maybe it really has been.

You made it to work successfully, but then you realized that you’ve left your notebook at home, the one that had quite a lot of important information you need for your work, so you spent your first hour at work emailing different people for things you should now, explaining that you just left your notebook at home. Some didn’t really give a fuck and just answered you normally, but others didn’t shy away from commenting that you should be more responsible and careful.

This alone gave just the perfect foundation for the day. It was all downhill from then. Your boss loaded twice as much work on you than usually, everything with close deadlines, throwing even more anxiety into the mix as if you didn’t have enough already.

You met up with Marcus at lunch, but that didn’t go as planned either. It’s been getting more and more frustrating with him, the two of you have already had at least five fights this week and it’s only wednesday. It seems like even the smallest things push you over the edge these days and you easily pick a fight over anything. It didn’t happen differently this time either and by the time you got back to the office you were fuming. Worst part is that you always have a hard time ending a fight and tend to continue it through texts, the same thing happened today as well.

Now it’s a few minutes past five and you’re getting ready to go home, get changed and head to family dinner since today is Valerie’s first birthday, but even on the bus you’re still furiously typing away on your phone, sending a reply to Marcus, wanting nothing more than to throw the device right ot the window.

At one point you decide you’ve had enough. Turning your phone off you sink it into the depth of your bag and just try to focus on breathing, because even the smallest things seem to be hard tasks in such an upsetting state of mind.

These past few weeks things have taken an absurdly wrong turn between you and Marcus and you don’t know what to do about the whole situation. Every night you go to bed thinking that you should just let go of him, would do a favor for the both of you, but then that stupid little voice in the back of your mind tells you that if you break up with Marcus it’s game over for you, you’ll spend the rest of your life alone. It all ends up with you violently holding onto the pieces of what’s left from your relationship and you’ve been trying to figure out where it went wrong, but you have absolutely no idea.

After you changed into a pair of light washed jeans, a bright orange sweater and your black leather jacket it’s time for you to leave, though you already know you’ll be late. With a sigh deep you decided to turn your phone back on when you were sitting in the Uber, immediately deleting the notifications about the messages Marcus left you and going straight for the few ones from Rosa, your mom and Harry. They all arrived not too long ago asking when you’d be arriving, so you quickly typed your sorry and told them you’re on your way, you just got caught up at work. For Harry, you add something else too:

“Save me a seat and order me a tequila.”

His response came quickly.

“Done. Both.”

You let out a chuckle seeing his message. He knows you too well.

Walking into the small restaurant you don’t have a hard time spotting your family, three tables have been pushed together to make enough room in the back, taking up the small, kind of separated area of the place. Rosa smiles widely when she spots you, Valerie standing on her thighs, hands on the table as she is trying to snatch one of the glasses away, but her dad is pushing it further from her grasp.

“Sorry for being late,” you huff out and take the seat right next to Harry who watches you with a smile. “Well hello there, birthday girl! You’re so big now!” you babble at Valerie who giggles at you before her attention is averted once again.

You feel Harry’s elbow poking your side and turning to him you see him nod at the two shots on the table.

“Oh, fantastic. You’re drinking too?”

“No, I’m driving. Both for you.”

“If I didn’t have such a shitty day I would question what kind of alcoholic you think I am, but I kinda need both,” you sigh, taking the first one and downing it faster than ever. From the corner of your eyes you see your mother’s disapproving look, but you decide to ignore it for now.

“Wanna talk about it?” Harry asks, eyebrows furrowed in worry, but you shake your head, the alcohol still burning your throat.

“Not now. Can you give me a lift home tho?”

“Sure,” he nods, turning back to the conversation at the table.

You somehow succeed in putting everything that happened today behind and just focus on the time spent with your family. It helps that seemingly Harry works hard all evening to tell you about random things, just occupying your thoughts as much as he can. It’s nice to relax a little and forget everything that’s been weighing down on your shoulders recently.

“It’s so crazy she is one already,” you sigh when you and Harry are walking to his car.

“Right? It makes me feel incredibly old,” Harry huffs as he fishes his car keys out of his pocket.

“How old are you even?” you ask laughing, realizing you don’t even know how old he exactly is. There are quite a few things, small details you’ve just never gotten around to find out about Harry.

“I’m turning 27 in February. Wild, isn’t it?” he chuckles.

“Yeah, you’re basically a grandpa,” you tease him and he narrows his eyes at you, but you can’t miss the little smile hiding in the corners of his mouth.

“That makes you a grandma, because you’re turning 25 in April, don’t you?”

“You know when my birthday is?” It takes you by surprise, you don’t remember ever telling him when your birthday is.

The two of you reach his car and he clears his throat unlocking it. Seems like he doesn’t really want to answer, but your burning gaze on him kind of forces him into it.

“Uh, I do. I wanted to meet up with Steven last year the day you had your birthday party, but he said he had plans already. Tried to lure him into cancelling, but he didn’t even want to share where he was going. Then he admitted that it was your birthday party, but you told him and Rosa not to even mention it to me so I don’t show up.”

Your stomach drops hearing his version of a story you’ve only known from your own point of view. You remember that you indeed told them not to tell Harry about it, but now it seems like such a hate crime, when in real life, it was still when the two of you hated each other with passion.

“I’m… Harry I’m sorry. That was--”

“Don’t worry about it,” he smiles at you, starting the car. “We left it all behind, didn’t we?”

His smile seems genuine, but you still feel guilty for being such a bitch. It reminded you how much time and energy the two of you wasted for years hating each other when you could have been just like you are now. If only things happened in a different way…

Arriving at your building Harry parks the car and stops it. As the engine stops, the silence that’s been thickening the air just becomes even more obvious. He is waiting for you to say something about what’s gotten you so upset today, you know that, but you don’t feel like sitting around in his car.

“Want to come up for a little bit?” you ask and it’s a hidden message that you want to talk in the comfort of your own home. Luckily, Harry understands it right away and nodding he tells you to lead the way.

You make some tea and the two of you sit on your couch, Harry is sitting sideways so he can see you while you bring your knees up to your chest, staring down at the mug in your hands.

“I had a fight with Marcus,” you quietly start.

“Oh.”

“And… it wasn’t the first time. We’ve been constantly fighting lately and I’m just… so tired of it.”

Saying it out loud for the first time, having someone listen to you brings you an odd sense of relief, and it doesn’t feel weird that you’re talking to Harry about all of it. He has proven himself to be a great listener.

“We’ve been fighting constantly, over the smallest things and my… my patience is running short, at this point.”

You’re talking slowly, carefully putting your thoughts into words, trying your best to interpret them for Harry after boiling them only in your own head for so long.

“I just… I have no idea what I should do.”

“It seems like the relationship is not making you happy anymore,” Harry softly speaks up and you have nothing to bring up against what he just said. “So why are you trying to continue it?”

You were expecting the question, you just knew he would ask it, but it still brings a painful, stinging sensation into your chest as you try to find the words to answer him.

“Because…” you breath out and slowly turning your head, your eyes meet his gaze. “If I can’t make it work with him… then… who is it gonna be? There’s this voice in my head that keeps telling me, that he is literally my last choice, that if I mess this up it’s gonna be over for me.”

“Y/N, you know that’s not true,” Harry tells you tilting his head.

“Do I?” you chuckle bitterly, turning your gaze to the ceiling before you look back at him. “Because I don’t think I do. I’ve been literally feeling so miserable for weeks, yet I still can’t get me to move on, because I think I’m gonna die alone.”

“That’s not gonna happen, don’t say that. You’ll find the right person for you, you just… have to be patient.”

“But that’s the thing. I have lost my patience. I’m done, over it.” The tears form in your eyes in just a few seconds and the next thing you know is that you’re crying. “I’ve been trying so hard in my whole life, but somehow I always ended up… not being enough, or thrown away, stepped over, left behind. No matter what I did, I always ended up alone and I can’t help but notice a pattern in it. It has to be me, what else?”

“It’s not you, okay? You just had a few bad experiences.”

“Not a few,” you huff closing your eyes. “All of them are bad. I was… I was never enough for anyone and now that I found a guy that seemed to be just perfect… I’m ruining it.”

“I don’t think you’re ruining anything.”

“Then explain to me what’s happening, Harry!” you snap in despair and Harry stares back at you at a loss of words at first.

“Do you have feelings for him?” he then asks. You can’t answer right away and it tells him a lot.

“I… I’m not sure.”

“That sounded more like a no.”

“Okay, alright. No, I don’t. But… I could develop feelings eventually, couldn’t I?”

“That’s not how it works, Y/N. You can’t just torture yourself hoping that one day you wake up and you’ll be in love with him. It’s not gonna happen and you’re just wasting your time.”

“How do you know it’s not gonna happen? What makes you so sure of that I will not end up alone?”

Harry stays quiet, her green eyes are staring right into your soul and for a moment you forget about your misery. This man alone holds such a power over you, it’s starting to scare you.

“I know it, because… I know you. And I see you. You’re literally the funniest girl I know, so easy to talk with, you always know when to crack a joke and when you have to be serious. You have so much love for others, you care about your loved ones and you’re always there for your friends and family. You make it so easy for others to get comfortable around you and you make everyone feel safe around you.”

You listen to him intently, drinking up every word that leaves his lips. Harry looks down at his hands as he continues.

“And you’re beautiful. So fucking beautiful, it always baffles me when I see you.”

“What?” you breathe out.

“It’s the truth,” Harry chuckles lightly, he brushes his knuckles together nervously. “Every time you walk in, you just… make everyone turn their head at you, and I always wonder if you even notice that. The way you walk, your smile, your laugh, Y/N, you make every man go crazy about you.”

“You’re just saying that because you are trying to cheer me up,” you sniff, wiping a few more tears away from your eyes.

“I’m definitely not,” he chuckles and his eyes finally find yours. “I remember when we first met.”

“When you walked in on me changing,” you sigh, the memories living vividly in your mind.

“Yeah. I remember how… breathless I felt when I saw you standing there, your dress handing a little on your frame because of the zipper. I forgot my name for a moment. I offered to help with the zipper because I just… wanted to touch you in any kind of way. So I knew that you were real.”

“Harry…”

“I know this sounds made up, but I’m telling you, this is the truth. And I know I didn’t act like that for a long time, but I always thought that you were an amazing person and I know that any guy would be so lucky and incredibly happy to be with you. I hate the thought of you thinking otherwise of yourself, when you are literally such a delight and… just a gift to all of us. I don’t know what’s really been going on between you and Marcus, but if he can’t see your worth and can’t make you feel like you deserve… he is not worthy of your time.”

You feel your throat closing up, but you’re not sure Harry knows the reason behind it when the tears start rolling down your cheeks again.

Because it might look like his words touched you and made you tear up, but in reality, a bittersweet feeling has taken completely over you. If this is how he thinks about you, why did he act like that when he had the chance to be with you? Why didn’t he want you to stay? What did you do that made him want to throw you out?

It’s a spiral straight down and you can’t stop yourself from falling. Harry has always been the biggest mystery of your life, and now you’re just even more sure it was something you did or said that made him want to run.

He reaches out and easily scoops you into his arms and you let him hold you tight, face buried into his chest. You hold onto his shirt as the silent cries escape your lips. You want him to want you. You want him to mean all those things he just told you, but you just can’t seem to move on from the past even though you’ve agreed to forget about it. It keeps bugging you in the back of your mind that no matter what he says, you weren’t good enough to make him want to stay with you when he had the chance.

***

It doesn’t get better after that night. Harry stayed until after midnight, made sure you got into bed and told you he’ll check in on you the next day. And so he did.

You felt guilty for loading all of it on Harry, so you decided it was the last time you ever talked about Marcus or your love life in general with him. You easily made yourself believe that he didn’t really care about it and he just listened to you because he was trying to be nice. It seemed the best to just try and forget about it all.

For a while you were contemplating breaking up with Marcus, but you didn’t have the strength to do it, telling yourself you have to give it another chance and some more patience. However it’s ending up to be quite draining, you gotta admit, but you are starting to get used to feeling numb every day.

Rosa invites you over, because she went through her closet and found some stuff she thought you’d like, so you head over not long after you get home from work. She mentioned that Harry would be over watching some kind of football game with Steven, so you are not surprised to see his car parking on their driveway.

“Hi guys!” you greet them when Rosa lets you in, the game is already on so they just wave in your way, intently watching the TV.

“Come on, I have everything in the bedroom,” Rosa nods in your way and you follow her upstairs. Valerie greets you with a loud shriek as you walk in, she is sitting in her crib, surrounded with a bunch of toys, seemingly having a great time.

“Hi there, Princess!” you coo at her, caressing her cheek before you sit on the edge of the bed that’s filled with piles of clothes. “What’s the big sorting?” you ask, grabbing a cardigan and taking a look at it.

“I just have way too much stuff, can’t fit new stuff into my wardrobe, so I needed to sort it all out.”

The two of you go through everything and just catch up while you try on what you like. At the end, you are just sitting on the bed playing with Valerie. You can tell there’s something Rosa wants to share, but she seems reserved about saying it out loud.

“So, the other day we were talking with Steven about how crazy it is that Val is over one year old,” she starts, eyes glued to the little girl, handing her another building block as Valerie works on… whatever it’s going to be when it's finished.

“Yeah, that’s what we talked about with Harry after her birthday dinner. Makes us feel old,” you chuckle.

“Exactly,” she sighs chuckling. “So then we talked about, maybe… having another kid sometime soon.”

You perk up and looking at Rosa you see the shy smile on her lips and you gasp, but she shakes her head.

“I’m not pregnant,” she assures you, but then adds: “Not yet.”

“Oh my God, so you’re trying for another baby?” you whisper, even though there’s no chance of the guys hearing the two of you. You can hear the sound of the TV up here, they have no clue what you’re talking about.

“I mean, it can take some time, so we thought we could… start now.”

“That’s fantastic!” you breathe out, truly happy for your sister. You just know Valerie will be such a good big sister. “Val, you want a baby sister or baby brother?” you ask her and she looks at you with a serious expression, holding out one of the blocks.

“Baba!” she exclaims.

“Yes, baba!” you chuckle. She’s been learning kind of real words lately and it won’t take too long before she’ll be bossing around everyone in the house.

When it’s getting late you pack the clothes you choose and head down to leave. The guys are still on the couch, but Harry’s head perks up when he hears your footsteps.

“You want me to give you a ride?”

“Um, I’m fine, don’t want to bother you while the game is on.”

“It’s ending in five. If you can wait a little it’s alright.”

“Okay,” you nod smiling so instead of going to the front door you stop in the kitchen to wait for Harry.

Rosa puts Valerie into her high chair and gets a banana for her while you check your phone just when Marcus calls you. Hesitantly, but you answer it.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Hi, just wanted to check in if the weekend is still on.”

“Uh, sure. It is.”

“Great. I’ll have to check again with my boss, but I think I’ll be able to pick you up.”

“Great. Talk to you later.”

“Bye, babe.”

The call ends and you find yourself facing a curious looking Rosa on the other side of the kitchen island.

“Marcus?” she asks and you nod. “How are things going?” You’ve only mentioned it to her that it’s been hard between the two of you, but you definitely didn’t go into details. Harry was the first and last person to hear the whole story.

“Um… neutral, I guess?”

“That doesn’t sound promising.”

“I know, but I’m just trying to figure it out. We are spending the weekend together, I hope it’ll help us to get a little more… settled? I guess, I don’t know,” you stammer, nervously fidgeting with your phone in your hands.

“That’s nice, was it his idea?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s good to know that Marcus is making the right attempts to smooth things out.”

“Attempts?” Harry’s voice makes both of you look in his way as he stands at the door, seemingly confused about what he just heard. “You’re still with Marcus?”

“Harry, I…”

“No, don’t try to explain it. I thought I talked sense into you last time.” He is clearly pissed, not holding back how upset he is to get the news that you are still dating Marcus. But on the other hand you can also feel yourself getting angry how he tries to control your life.

“You did, but I never said I’ll break things off with him.”

“Well, it surely sounded like you made up your mind,” he huffs.

“Well, I didn’t,” you scoff, crossing your arms on your chest.

“What the fuck, Y/N! You can’t keep doing this to yourself!” he snaps gesturing in your way. “I thought we were over this!”

“We? What do you mean we?” you grimace and now you are raising your voice as well. “Harry, there’s no we! This is my relationship and it’s nice that you care, but you can’t tell me what to do!”

Harry is vivid. He needs everything in him not to burst right then and there and for a moment you think he’s gonna just explode. But when he speaks up again his voice is quiet, however you can feel all the anger and frustration behind it.

“Get in the car, we’re leaving.”

“What?”

“Get in the fucking car, Y/N!” he barks making you jump. Rosa and Steven, who arrived to the kitchen in the middle of this madness, are just watching the scene unfold, completely unable to even say a word.

Slowly, you slide off the stool and grabbing the bag filled with clothes you turn to Rosa.

“Thanks for… these,” you mumble before walking out, Harry following you right behind.

Nothing is said as the two of you get into the car, Harry is clearly on the verge of anger outburst, but you’re pretty upset yourself. The drive back to your place is painfully quiet, but you can’t stop staring at his hands gripping the wheel. HIs fingers and knuckles are turning white from the way he is basically crushing the wheel in his hold. You wouldn’t be surprised if it had his grip’s imprint on it by the time you arrive to your building.

“What the fuck, Y/N?” he snaps once the car is parked.

“Would you stop pretending like you have a saying in what I do?”

“I do have a saying in it! Because when you break again I’ll be the one picking you up from the ground!”

“Well, sorry it’s such an inconvenience to be my friend. But don’t worry, I won’t come to you again,” you snap back with a grimace and try to open the door, but it’s locked. “Let me out, Harry!”

“Fuck no, not until we talk about this,” he scoffs and it’s the last straw for you.

“There’s nothing to talk about! It’s none of your business, Harry! Stop pretending like you care!”

“I do care!” he shouts back so forcefully you are taken aback, sinking into your seat. “Of course I fucking care! How would I not?! I care about you so fucking much, how do you not see it?!”

At this point, you’re certain Harry has lost all self control and he is about to load he has been holding back out on you, while you’re just sitting there, staring at him completely speechless over how his whole being is filled with anger and fury.

“Stop fucking telling me that I don’t care when all I think about is you! Every damn day! I can’t fucking stop thinking about you, because every time my mind snaps right back to you when I’m trying to think about something else! Do you know how fucking painful it is?! See you fucking waste your time with that dickhead when I want to be with you?!”

Eyes widened you forget to even breathe as the words leave his lips and soon enough realization hits him hard about what he just said. His chest is violently waving, eyes staring straight ahead. Next time he speaks up the shouting is over, he is clearly shocked at his own behavior.

“Y/N, I-- what you told me last time, about ending up alone, that wasn’t the first time you told me all of that.”

“What?” you gasp.

“You broke down the same way at the wedding. Told me all about how you think you are just simply unlovable and will probably die alone.” His eyes snap down at his hands on his lap as he continues. “I was shocked how you’d ever think that way about yourself, because I was… I was already falling in love with you and I barely just met you that night. I couldn’t imagine what happened to you that made you believe that nonsense. I never felt like that with anyone else before and it was so fucking scary. Every time you looked at me or touched me, I could feel… the sparks. The fucking sparks, Y/N,” he lets out a bitter chuckle. “I never believed in that, but you made me feel that way. Then… one thing happened after the other and we were up in my room. I saw the way you looked at me, like I was your fucking everything and I have never experienced that. You fell asleep in my arms and I told myself that this is exactly how I want to spend the rest of my life.”

Tears roll down your cheeks as you listen in complete shock as Harry is still avoiding to look at you.

“I wanted to be the person who shows you how lovable and amazing you are, how worthy you are to be loved. Like I found my mission all of a sudden.”

“Then what the fuck happened in the morning?” you ask choking out the words. Harry finally turns to face you and you see his watery eyes. He was crying.

“You fell asleep and I was just watching you… and I realized that… sooner or later I would do something to hurt you. Because that’s what I always do and I didn’t want that. You didn’t deserve that, but I just knew I won’t be able to give you what you wanted and needed. And you told me all about how you just want to be loved and… I didn’t want to disappoint you in any way.”

He rubs his eyes turning back to look straight ahead and you see his lips tremble before he speaks up again.

“I said all those stuff so you’d have a reason to hate me and you wouldn’t try to stay with me.”

“This is literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” you chuckle bitterly as the tears keep rolling down your cheeks. “Do you have any idea how fucking horrible I felt after that? I felt so ashamed for fucking weeks, Harry!”

“I-I know. I mean, I figured.”

“You made me feel unwanted and dirty, it took me so long to build my confidence back and be able to think of myself as more than just some used rug that was thrown out!”

Harry sits there in complete silence and just lets you load everything out on him, because he knows that’s what he deserves. He has tried to punish himself in so many different ways for what he did to you, but he knew he had to face you someday. Now the time has come and he is done trying to run away from the consequences of his actions in the past.

“I was blaming myself all this time, thinking that I must have done something wrong, when in reality it was you! It was fucking you!”

“I know, I’m so sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean it to end like this.”

“You didn’t mean it to end like this?” you snap. “You literally continued to treat me like shit for years! If it wasn’t for Valerie, you’d still be a complete dick to me! And what was your intention with this now, huh? Why did you tell me all of this now?!”

“Because I couldn’t stop… seeing you be so unhappy with someone who clearly doesn’t deserve you in any way. I’m selfish and I realized that I made a mistake, but I now know what I should have done, because…” He finally turns to face you again, you see a tear roll down his cheek as he takes a deep breath before continuing. “I love you. I love you, Y/N, and I’m fucking done pretending like I don’t.”

You stare back at him, breath caught in your throat and it’s the breaking point. You reach over to his side and unlock the doors so you can open yours and you jump out of the car wanting to get as far away from him as possible. He can’t just throw all of this on you after everything the two of you went through, that’s not how it works. Does he even mean it? How are you supposed to believe him after years of hatred?

You try to get inside the building, but he is quick to catch up with you, he grabs your upper arm and pulls back, but you yank his hold away.

“Where are you going?!” he snaps towering above you.

“Home. And don’t fucking touch me!”

“But I literally just told you I love you, you’re not gonna say anything about that?”

At first you plan on not even answering, you make your way towards the door, but then you change your mind. Turning around you unload on him once again.

“You don’t have the right to tell me you love me! Not after all the shit I took from you! How am I supposed to believe it when you literally made me feel like shit for all these years, saying the meanest stuff to me every damn time we met! I was avoiding you like the plague because I can’t even count how many times you made me cry calling me names and treating me so fucking horrible! No, you are not just gonna waltz in here, tell me that I have to break up with my boyfriend because you’ve been in love with me all along. I don’t fucking believe you, Harry. So stay the fuck away from me,” you tell him and push your way inside. This time he doesn’t follow.

By the time you reach your front you’re sobbing, barely seeing from your own tears. With shaking hands you unlock the door and get inside shutting the door behind you before you collapse on the floor.

Harry lives in delusion if he thinks he can just unload all of this on you and make everything right magically. Not after more than three years of the shit you took from him. How are you supposed to believe that he is telling the truth? If he loved you all along, how could he treat you like that? That’s not what love should feel like. All those countless times when you came home after seeing him and you couldn’t help but cry after some of his meanest comments… and now he is trying to make you believe he did it all to protect you from him? Bullshit.

It doesn’t work like that and now he is gonna have to face the consequences of his actions.

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sunflower-swan · 3 years

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Not fandom related. TW for Covid content. I just need to put this out there.

...

One year ago this week...

Wednesday, March 11, 2020: My HS Choir sang the national anthem at the opening game of the state basketball tournament. We had lunch on Mass Street. My Mom came to see me and have lunch together. Dad was busy with farm stuff. My kids were excited to meet my Mom. On our way home we visited the capital building because they had never seen it before.

Thursday, March 12, 2020: HS Music trip to St. Louis cancelled. We were supposed to leave in a week. The kids had been fundraising for a year. We still haven't taken this trip. I'm hopeful for next year.

Friday, March 13, 2020: All of my groups had fantastic rehearsals. We were on the right path to having another great contest season. I told my kids I would see them Monday. We had four more days until Spring Break.

Sunday, March 15, 2020, around 5pm: Schools in my state shutdown until further notice.

Sunday, March 15, 2020, around 5:15pm: Calls and texts from crying and hysterical seniors who just lost all of their lasts. Who had been practicing their solos for months because this was going to be the year they received top marks at state music. Who had their final day with their band and/or choir family and they didn't know it at the time.

And then...

November 2020: A staff member tests positive. I was sitting next to them in a meeting the day before. We were both wearing masks and socially distanced. I was not quarantined.

Also November 2020: Three of my students test positive. I sit next to one of them during band rehearsal the day before. We were socially distanced and I'm not quarantined.

Still November 2020: My BIL tests positive. Sister and kids are quarantined. Family Thanksgiving is cancelled. We'll get together for Christmas.

Day after Thanksgiving 2020: My Uncle calls me to say he was in the hospital a few weeks ago for Covid. My Uncle never calls me. I probably hadn't talked to him in... A year? It was nice to talk to him but apparently thinking you're going to die changes a person.

A week before Christmas 2020: My Dad and his parents admitted to the hospital for Covid. My Dad and Grandma come home. My Grandpa does not... He passes away on New Years Eve. We did not have family Christmas.

Two weeks ago: We made an impromptu visit to see my family. It did not suck as much as I expected it to, to be at my grandparents house. It was the first time had seen them in person in four months. My Grandma is having surgery to remove her thyroid soon. When she was in the hospital for Covid the doctors found early stage cancer.

It has been a real turd of a year for everyone. For educators I feel like it has had an extra special suck. In my classroom (band & choir), kids are literally projecting their breath forcefully into the air. Kinda scary in an environment where kids are often unknown carriers of a dangerous virus that is transmitted through droplets expelled from one's mouth.

In August, when I found out my school was going completely in person with no mask requirement, I did some serious soul searching for a couple of days. In the end, I took the gamble that if I got sick, odds where good that I would feel lousy for a week or two but ultimately be ok. If I wasn't at school, then my kids would not be able to play their instruments or sing, and what's the point in being in music if you can't do those things?

I still feel like that was an unfair choice I was forced to make. The choice between my future health and my students education. For many kids, their elective classes get them out of bed and at school every day. A couple of teachers chose to teach remotely. I'm glad they had that option. The way I looked at it, if I wanted my program to survive beyond this year, and I did, then I had to be at school.

Not gonna lie, that first month of school was rough on me. I hadn't been around anyone other than close family in about six months. I went to the store a couple times with my husband early in the spring. Apparently I don't hide my fear as well as I think I do because we got home and he said that he wouldn't make me do that again. And he hasn't, bless him.

Except... Our weekly trips to the store were fun. We don't really go out so that was our time together outside of home. And we lost that. He still does the shopping on his own. It's the only time he leaves the house other than when we walk the dogs in the evening. (His job allows him to work from home.)

Which brings us to today. I got my second Covid shot on Friday. Saturday I spent the day in bed. I didn't feel "bad" I was just too exhausted to do anything. Yesterday I felt better but still kinda tired. I don't like needles or shots, and the thought of receiving an emergency vaccine really scared the hell out of me.

Teachers in my state were part of group two, right after senior citizens and health care workers, to have the chance at the vaccine. Some of my colleagues chose to opt out. In the end I decided to get it because my Grandpa couldn't. He was gone before it was an option.

And then my Dad sends me this picture this morning:

I was probably about six years old here. And that's my Grandpa helping me ride a bike.

Tell your loved ones you love them every chance you get. Don't take a single second for granted.

...

This ended up way longer than I expected it to be. When I started it was just going to be what happened a year ago. And then it sorta snowballed into everything from the past year. If you've made it this far, well, congratulations I guess. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

#covid 19 #covid tw #covid vaccine #personal

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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734

How was your Halloween? It was a lot of fun - Rita’s sister Torta invited us to her school’s college Halloween party so my orgmates and I planned a whole day/overnight stay at their place. I was Dora, Rita was Kuzco, Tina was Waldo, Blanch was Velma, Jum was Wednesday Addams, but I’ve forgotten what Laurice went as and I still can’t remember even when I’m looking at our old photos rn. The idea of going to Rita’s super exclusive super rich super old money village seemed a bit scary in the beginning skfkfhfg but she made us feel right at home immediately. When was the last time you skipped school? The one time I had to skip class because I was too late to enter anyway was for my PE class lasssst March, I’m guessing? It was either late Feb or early March. What color was the first pet you had? Orange. Have you ever had fake nails? No but I’ve lowkey been fascinated with them lately because of Kylie Jenner loooooool and want to try going to a nail salon to get fake nails. Like at least just for a day or two, just to get a verdict on them. How many vacations have you been on? We’ve had too many to count. I can try counting them but I’ll most likely miss several vacations... I’d say it’s in the 20-30 range, considering when my family started vacationing regularly and the fact that we travel 2-3 times a year.

Have you ever fallen asleep on the phone with the person you like? Yeah, until recently when I stopped having load to call her this is how I’d usually fall asleep. The white noise is soothing. Do you own/want a snuggie? Again, nope. When was the last time you went to a concert? August 2018. The show was actually scheduled for February 2018, but Hayley Williams got like a throat infection and it had to be moved. Which thankfully it was, because we only would have gotten older songs if the Feb show pushed through. Paramore didn’t release After Laughter till May that year. What did you do today? I consoled my girlfriend after she received some bad news, had a big brunch to celebrate my parents’ 23rd wedding anniversary, played Duolingo for a couple of hours, and now I’m helping Gab make a script in Tagalog heh. Do you know anyone who is a total health freak? I dunno anyone who’s an absolute health freak but I have a couple of friends who will order salads and smoothies from time to time. Who was the last person you met? The last new person I met was the eye doctor I had for my appointment. Would you rather save your best friend or your mother from dying? Hate these questions. What color is your mousepad? I haven’t used a mouse since high school. What was your favorite year of high school? Junior year was a lot of fun. It was the first time my circle of friends started to really grow and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere and I was just generally happier that school year. Current favorite song? Don’t have one at the moment. I’m super detached from music these days. Ever had a teacher call on you when they know you're not paying attention? Yeah just once, in Grade 4. I was in the middle of telling a joke and Katreen and I were snickering pretty distractingly at the back, so we rightfully got called out on it. After that I never wanted to not pay attention in class. Would you be more afraid of drowning or being buried alive? Buried alive. You have people thinking you’re dead, you’re locked in a coffin, in total darkness, and surrounded by worms and other creepy crawlies that live underground. I can’t think of a scarier, more claustrophobic scenario lol. Do you wear makeup every day? The complete opposite. Tell me about your boyfriend/girlfriend? :) She writes very well and I love her poems the most; she has an amazing radar for excellent TV series and films and is always accurate about which ones are bound for the Emmys/Oscars; she has random hobbies that pop up from time to time, including mastering the balisong and crocheting; she really loves Italian and Spanish food; and she can sometimes have an explosive temper. Have you ever gone to the ER for something that could have killed you? I didn’t have to be rushed to the ER for it but a low number of platelets isn’t absolutely fatal, as far as I know. All I remember is that I had a 40ºC fever but weirdly enough I felt very well, like I was able to walk myself to the school clinic and make jokes to my mom about going to the mall instead of resting. Should you really be doing something more productive right now? Yes, but shush. I really don’t feel like working on my thesis anytime soon. Do you like pulling all nighters just because? I don’t pull all nighters exactly but yeah, ‘just because’ is pretty much my reason for wanting to stay up till 3 or 4 AM most nights. Have you ever lived out of your car? No but I’ve done something that reminds me of it. In my first and second years of college when I didn’t have friends to see or places to hang at yet, I would stay in my car for all my naps, lunch breaks, class breaks, crying sessions, etc. How many closets are in your house? We have one in every bedroom, so that makes it four. Does your family own more than two houses? I wouldn’t say that. We have this house, and even though my mom still helps my grandma in paying for our old house, it’s wrong to claim it as ours. Have you ever eaten at Olive Garden? No...I don’t think I would be interested if given the chance either. Does your family vote on a lot of things? Not really. My dad has worked abroad for 20 years so he’s incredibly detached from national politics; my siblings are still too young for voter’s registration; and my mom only started voting again recently because I encouraged her to. Before the 2016 elections the last time she voted was back in 1992 if I remember right. Would you marry someone who could never have sex, for medical reasons? I’d be like 23% bummed but I imagine getting over it quickly and easily, so yes. I don’t really actively seek sex and I’m demi anyway, which is under the ace umbrella. What about someone who was guaranteed to die in five years? It’s gonna feel like the Hang the DJ episode of Black Mirror lmao but if our relationship proved to be very strong, then I would. Did you see Paranormal Activity? Yesssssss that was so much fun haha. I’m terrible with jump scares though so I haven’t seen the ending where she [spoiler alert] lunges towards the camera. Who was the last person you texted? I texted a promo code for my service provider hah. I don’t text anyone these days. Do you have a protective father/older brother? Yeah, my dad. Do you go out every weekend? Nope, I don’t really prefer to. My weekdays are usually very busy that I just want to do nothing by the time the weekend comes. Do you drink alcohol or do drugs? I drink sometimes and I guess you could say I take lighter drugs like caffeine, but that’s it. Does it snow a lot in the winter where you live? It does not snow here at all. Where do you go/want to go to college? I had always wanted to go to UP Diliman and fortunately I passed. Do you have any step parents? Nope. Does your cell phone have a full keyboard? It has a full touchscreen keyboard if that counts, lmao. Have you ever had a friend come over when you're sick? No but that’s also partly because I never get sick. Do you like cornbread? It’s okay, but I find it too dry. I’ll have it if it’s like a free appetizer or side dish, but I would never crave it. Do you know what year your mother was born in? 49 years ago. Have you ever been in an airplane? Sure. Is it really late at night right now? Not at all. It’s mid-afternoon.

#survey #surveys

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everyday-effing-therapy · 5 years

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17/07/19

Good evening,

I’m not doing well mentally, I guess that’s sort of visible.

Don’t get me wrong, I mean, today after midnight it was fantastic, Black actually wrote to me, we talked, I laughed so much and then, something went wrong.

You see, Black is my classmate, as are Gold and Silver, but I hadn’t really laid my eyes on Black up until about three weeks ago. We were at a party, I desperately wanted to dance with some boys from my class and I dragged him to the dancefloor. He ran away at first, but a few hours later, when the alcohol kicked in, he went back to dance with me. There was this song and he started bragging how he knew all the words to it. It’s a classic, from actually quite long ago, but I love it.

Three days later we were on another party and Silver asked for a song for us, but then he stood me up. I felt totally shitty, up until Black came up to me and, as it turned out, asked the DJ for the same song to which we were dancing to on the party before.

Then there was a sleepover with my friends and Black was there too and we played the song again and he sang again, everything was fine. It was his birthday so in the birthday wishes I wrote that I hope that everybody will know that he knows all the lyrics by heart.

When we went on that infamous sleepover on July, 10, the song started to play, but he didn’t want to dance with me to it. I blamed it on his bad mood or maybe tiredness, but I just didn’t get it, cause it was slowly becoming “our” song.

You know what, yesterday we were talking about music too and he again stated that he didn’t want that song. That hurt in the weirdest way. Maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe that was a song of him and his girlfriend and I somehow managed to steal it. I don’t know. But when I hear it, I think about him and how I don’t understand any of it and I just want to cry.

Apart from that, the conversation was fine.

My dad woke me up at 7:30 for breakfast. I ate and went back to sleep. On Wednesdays, we don’t eat meat in our house, so I waited with lunch for my parents. My dad usually comes home quite early and we could prepare something together. I did forget though that he had a business meeting with some people.

During the day I studied biology, as always, you must think I’m a sort of biology freak. I did take some tests for my driving class and I passed one of the mocks so I’ve been super happy.

I read a book, currently reading Claudine at school - a book my grandma bought for me a long time ago and I just got to reading it. I fed my dog, loaded the dishwasher, vacuumed the floors, everything.

I just didn’t eat lunch. At all. And when my parents came home at 6 pm, I didn’t just go running to them, because we always eat supper together at 7 pm. I was really bored and hungry though, so I went downstairs, only to see them eating sushi behind my back.

Honestly, it was as if I caught 6 year olds red handed. My mom started giggling nervously and I hated every single second of it.

I didn’t eat the entire day, waited for them, they ignored me, boycotted the entire not eating meat on Wednesdays plan, cause they obviously don’t care abouth the fucking planet or me, they didn’t even bother to give me a heads up that I’ll have to prepare food for myself and if I hadn’t gotten downstairs, I would have to eat alone. And they get mad if I am late for dinner, cause it’s some fucking family quality time, but if they want to eat earlier or without me then they are just not respecting the rules. That’s why I hate adults. Fortunately, I am soon going to be one, so I will be able to do the things that adults do the best in the entire world - bitch about life and not respect other people. You know, in school they force us not to do those things, but later, God, you’re free.

As you can see, I’m pretty fucking pissed. I still feel sort of hungry, I didn’t feel like talking to my parents at all and I cried. It feels like I’m not needed, which is the feeling that makes me feel so much acidic pain from hatred.

I just feel like nothing. I am so uncomfortable, just want to cry or some shit, feels like I have PMS but I know I don’t have it right now. Nothing feels good, the future seems shitty and nothing seems to entertain me anymore.

You see, back in the days in September, when my acting class still existed, we talked a lot. There was this one time when I had so many things bottled up I just had the worst panic attack and I cried and cried. I remember when I opened up to talk about it, someone said I might be depressed.

I brushed it off, because I didn’t have a painful or traumatic childhood. I have an amazing life and am, overall, cheerful, so nobody believes that I could be depresed, until they see me in the middle of anxiety attack.

It’s like, I’m such a good actress, I fooled everybody, including myself. And I’m so not ok.

It’s not ok when you don’t know how to get up from bed or what to do to escape your mind or how to stop thinking bullshit. I have so many bad emotions on my plate.

It feels really bad and I just feel very lonely in that.

I guess that’s why I’m here. Cause I can’t act with my fingertips on the keyboard.

I just want the bad times to pass, to no surprise, cause who wouldn’t.

I dreamt about my ex last night. I hate those dreams, becuase I’m happy in them. Happy to be next to her, not in a romantic sense though. She used to be my best friend beforehand. I miss her, I miss all of the things that we didn’t get to do, but I don’t like those nightly visits. That’s not true, that person is not who she really is, because truthfully, I don’t know the real her for shit. That’s why we broke up too.

I still want to send her light, even if that’s just for her to be happy and safe, cause her life lacked both, but I also want to let go of that time in my life. I know I will carry on remembering who she was and what role she played in my life, but I hope that the memory of her will not be coming back in tsunami tides ever again.

The past is in the past.

I do hope that the future is bright for all of us, my loves.

Love,

#17/07 #23:01 #night post #diary #journal #journal entry #love #life #anxiety #depression #c posts #still 11 pm #i don't feel so good #ex-girlfriends and all that jazz

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accidental-psalms-blog · 7 years

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Ellie

"You have to be ready, Ellie," my grandfather said. "The world is cruel, and you will lose everything and everyone you've known and loved."

"What does that mean, lolo?" my seven-year-old self inquired. I wasn't really listening. I just indulged him because he bought me ice cream; I was too busy licking the excess off of the cone to take on this conversation. The next moment, my grandfather reached for the cold, cheese-flavored confectionery and took it away from my sticky hands.

"Lolo!" I protested.

"I said: you will lose everything. Are you listening?" he said in a stern voice.

"I'm listening!" I said. "Please give me my ice cream back..."

He did, and then told me to "Go, play."

My grandfather was a harsh man, but he carried a softness that would make people talk about him kindly despite his strictness. I'd known for a while that his family — most especially his grandchildren — were his weakness.

I did not understand it fully then, but his blue eyes contained a sadness that is similar to the arrival of dusk: a certain gloom tinged by the slightest optimism, brought on by the change of rule when the sun abdicates its stellar throne and moonlight claims sovereignty over the sky.

***

I finished my elementary education while living with my grandparents on my father's side of the family. I liked them both equally, but I was closer to my grandfather than anyone (I spent some time with grandma, too, but she spent most of her afternoons gambling with the neighbors).

He loved arts and crafts; be it sculpture, painting, music, or literature, but my grandfather loved the art of mapmaking most of all. He would often commission local artists to make maps of different places for him. My favorite was the one of Panay, with Boracay Island placed like an awkward piece of beef jerky from across this gigantic blanket of prime meat. I think it was drawn by Kurt, the artist next-door who wanted nothing more than two bottles of beer and a stimulating conversation for such a beautifully-colored map.

My grandfather and I spent a lot of time together during my elementary days, and I loved mornings with him the most. Every sunrise, he would take me to Mang Eric's store to get some Yakult, or Chocolait if it's a Wednesday. That is, if I could wake up as early as 6 AM. If I woke up any later, then no Yakult for me.

Of course, I know that it's his own way of getting me to wake up early in the morning and exercise, but if I'm getting a Yakult (or a Chocolait!) out of it, then I don't see a reason to wake up late.

***

I remember waking up at 5:30 one Wednesday morning to the sound of rain, feeling particularly excited about the chocolate drink I would have later. I washed my face, drank some water, and ran to my grandfather's bedroom which, curiously, still had its door closed. I knocked.

"Lolo? Lolo! Lolo, wake up," I yelled. I remember thinking that it was unusual for me to wake up before he did; I know for a fact that he can wake up as early as 3 AM.

My seven-year-old self did not understand the sinking feeling I had then, one that brought frustration, the way one feels when trying to catch a butterfly in vain. I knocked again three times, louder this time. My grandma would probably get angry with me. But I didn't care. It's Wednesday. Everything is better on Wednesdays.

"Lolo!" I shouted. Outside, the rain went on, and I felt as if the raindrops mocked what little voice I had.

The doorknob turned, and the door slowly opened. It was my grandma who said "Sorry, Ellie. Lolo cannot go out today. He is very sick."

"Can I see him?"

"Later, darling," she said.

***

My grandfather did not die that day. In fact, he lived for many years later — much longer than the days I could spend with him. When I needed to be in high school, I had to go to away and live with my parents in the city. I met new people, new friends, and life became much more than just Yakult, and Chocolait, and Sunday ice cream. There were boys to crush on, books and TV series to speculate on and overanalyze, and Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and all those things I never even imagined would take over my teenage life.

The news of my grandfather's rather unceremonious passing came to us in the middle of my third year in high school, while I was burning brain cells for a barrage of exams that I'll encounter in the following weeks. He died of tuberculosis.

"Your father and I are attending the funeral, sweetie. Will you come?" my mother asked.

"No," I replied. "I need to read— there's just a lot of stuff going on at school right now, mom. Please tell grandma that I love her."

"Alright. Take care of things here, and don't push yourself too hard." she said.

Later that afternoon, I found myself binging on Game of Thrones episodes and fangirling about how Jon Snow should really just end up ruling all of Westeros because he is the one guy that cares and he deserves it.

I will not pretend that I wanted to go to the funeral. I didn't. At the time, I was thinking, it's such a waste of time, the dead are. I knew my grandfather when he was alive, and he made my childhood more colorful. That much is true. He knows that I love him, and I am saddened by his passing, and I think that that is enough. If ever he is watching me, by some notion of the supernatural being true, then he will know that I meant no disrespect.

There's just a lot of things that are more important and more enjoyable than attending someone's funeral right now. I went on with my week, thinking nothing more of it.

***

When my parents came back from the funeral, they brought unripe mangoes and freshly-picked corn. While we were feasting on the produce after lunch, mother told me that grandma found an unsent letter among my grandfather's belongings. The date on the envelope said that he apparently finished the letter three days before his passing.

"Oh? Who's it for?" I asked, intrigued.

"Here," my mother reached into her handbag and produced a sealed white envelope with a map of Panay printed on it. I read the writing on the front: "09/21/2011. For Ellie."

I walked off to my room without a word.

***

Dear Ellie,

I have been thinking about you more and more often these past few days. I know you are faring way better than I can ever, and that alone gives me consolation. The thought of you being energetic, excelling at school, and pursuing some manner of art gives me joy. What remaining energy I have after the days are done, I spend praying that you be kept safe.

You had always been a pearl in my and your grandmother's eyes. When your parents asked us to take care of you in your elementary days — perhaps in a most elaborate attempt to teach you to never forget your roots — we were, at first, reluctant. We are old, and we don't know if we could still handle such a task.

But you made it easier for us, dear one, by being the sweetest girl to grace this boring town. I thought that if I was made solely for the ultimate purpose of taking care of you, then I would accept that I have lived a very full life, indeed.

And yet, see, I am wasting away now, dear child. Whatever life I had is leaving me.

Do you remember when I said that you will lose everything and everyone you have known and loved? When you went away to continue your studies in the city, that was when I felt this truth hurt me the most. I've accepted that you will forget us. Perhaps not completely, but we will be nothing but a very faint memory, one that will be filed behind a multitude of sensations, and whatever tickles the fancy and vigor of youth these days.

I yammer and this must be tiring you; I must get to the point. The purpose of this letter is to ask: Will you come see and us again, soon? Even for one last time. Your grandmother and I will be grateful to have you grace this household once more. I already asked her to prepare your favorite sinigang when you come, as well as to stock the fridge full of Yakult and Chuckie (it's what they call Chocolait these days — I personally hate that cartoon cow, but the drink tastes great all the same).

I hope you will, dear. I actually have more than a feeling that you will grant this request, because I wrote this on a Wednesday, and we both know that everything is better on Wednesdays. Better enough that I even wrote a poem, see:

You will not need a map

The drawings and maps are all gone, Ellie, taken away by a dozen storms, but you must not worry; you will not need them to find me.

I will be the memory of a little valley, a little store on the off-road, the melting ice cream on Sunday afternoons.

The colors fade from my skin, like a blackbird losing feathers to reveal what pale skin lies underneath; weak, frail.

But I believe that even if all of the maps are gone, dear Ellie, you will not need them to find me.

That's it, dear one. I'm afraid I've written what this poor mind could handle to write for a day. Should you decide to come visit, let us know soon.

Sincerely, Your Grandfather

***

I cried that whole afternoon.

I suppose there's no truer adage than "You'll never know what you have been missing until it's gone," but after all was said and done I felt a sense of contentment and purpose, thankful for my parents and my grandparents for making my childhood just that much better.

I had never thanked my grandfather properly, and I have to admit that I was insensitive about his funeral. But I'm a woman of means now, and the idea of giving back was instilled my heart from the day I read that letter. Now, at twenty-eight, I spend my spare time doing volunteer work for a local organization that helps children deal with domestic abuse.

Everyone can be a gift to the world. An act of random kindness, a smile, a melody, a little poem, or the mere act of sharing bowls of sinigang with the next door neighbors, can make a difference. There is no escaping from loss; loss will always be there.

All that matters is how we deal with loss moving forward. And, as my grandfather taught me, I need no map.

#short story #ellie #childhood #grandfather

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steamishot · 4 years

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Bleh

i’m feeling pretty bleh right now. this weekend, i didn’t really have plans besides eating hot pot for saturday lunch at my brother’s place. i filled up my weekends for the past month when matt was on night shifts - and i felt independent/accomplished for being on track with my goals. it wasn’t hard committing to and following through with what i set out for myself (driving to the beach early in the morning to get in a 4 mile run, etc). matt finally finished night shifts last wednesday morning, and things changed drastically after that. before night shifts, he had warned me he may be grumpy and we may be fighting more than usual. interestingly enough, we barely fought during his month of night shifts, but fought a lot this past week as he was adjusting from night shifts. i get excited to finally be able to spend time with him, but i underestimate the time he needs to adjust to being normal again and i end up feeling disappointed. i guess it’s like the feeling where someone is absent (there is no expectations of attention) vs. neglect (someone is there, but they do not have the energy to give you attention).

i also got my period during this time, so there’s some external factors going on as well. the things we fought about were brought on by apartment searching. whenever we do something “big” together - like book vacations, book flights, book shows, there’s always some stress involved and we tend to fight over it. with the apartment searching, it was pretty similar, but more intense just because he was super overworked and delusional. i know it’s very difficult on both of our ends. the timing for him wasn’t good, but i found a perfect apartment that fit all our criteria and even had the ideal move in date. since i knew the listing was gonna go quickly, i hurried him to get me the requested documents. he snapped at me for hurrying him because it was during the 30 min he had right after waking up to go to work (80 hour work weeks). it was also the the only 30 min window i get to talk to him per day so it’s not like i had any other time to ask. it was frustrating on both of our ends. we ended up getting passed up for another applicant.

i think he does tend to be very forgiving with me, and is almost always the one apologizing. i can see how i got used to this behavior of “i’m always right, you’re always wrong” that is so stereotypical of wives lol. finally today, he started overreacting to the little things i do, the way i overreact with him. he was trying to give me a taste of my own medicine and i think it worked. because he never holds a grudge against me, i never really understood how annoying i could be when i do it to him lol. so i’m reflecting on my flaws and will try to correct them or at least try not to do it as often.

that said, there was also a long process with ava dobro. ava dobro is a luxury apartment that is very close to the brooklyn hospital and a number of matt’s coresidents live there. i was back and forth with their representatives through phone and email - but it was frustrating because it seemed no one was helpful or responsive. we first applied for 14Q, which is a 487 sqft 1 bedroom apartment. we decided to apply even when we weren’t 100% sure because there was a promo of 1.5 months off and we wanted to meet the deadline. the application is online, where one person first applies and then notates any roommates - the roommate will then receive an email to complete their portion. i created an account for matt and applied through his account, and then tried to complete my portion. however, i ran into technical difficulties (i believe because i had already half started the application on my account and it confused the system). the one helpful representative - frankie - finally reached out to me a few days later asking me to complete a paper application due to the technical difficulties.

within this timeframe, and after talking to some friends/watching youtube videos on apartments and gauging the size - we realized that 487 sqft may be a tad too small, especially because of the quarantine. a 1 bedroom 546 sqft is too expensive, so we canceled the 14Q and applied for 12J which is a 542 sqft studio. fortunately, they also extended the promotion to be until 8/15 and are offering 2 months free instead. i’m currently waiting for them to confirm if we have been accepted. if so, our move in date would be sept 12/13. this is a little earlier than desired - meaning matt will be paying for rent at two places for 3 weeks. however, i guess it’s worth it knowing that we have secured a place for a reasonable price.

now this move is feeling pretty real. i’ve been having mixed emotions about it. on one hand, i’m super excited to have my own place and be in a new city. and finally be able to see my boyfriend more than once every few months (what’s that like?). i’m already obsessing over how to decorate the studio and have been making a list of essentials so we know how to budget. i do realize that i am quite childlike and stunted living at home, as i’m pulled from different directions and have less energy to focus on myself. i tend to my mom, dad, uncle and grandma. although i really appreciate the time i spend with them, some independence will do me some good.

on the other hand, i am afraid of judgmental comments from my family (why are you moving there for him, you need to get engaged to protect yourself). i would feel less embarrassed (in front of family) to move there if i had something lined up for me. i’m also a bit nervous about work and how to pull off the move while keeping my job. i’ve decided to keep the move on the down low because i’ll be back and forth for the holidays. however, i will also start job searching. i just don’t want to resign without having something else lined up. nyc ain’t cheap lol. after typing this out, it seems what is holding me back is fear - and it’ll be good for me to overcome this.

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jordisstigander · 7 years

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Tally Marks

“It’s so quiet here,” my granny comments. She’s perched in an armchair near a window in my aunt’s house. I’m sitting across from her on a burnt orange couch, legs crossed. “I’m just soaking up the silence.” She looks down at her fingernails and rubs them a little. “My house is next to a busy street, and it’s so noisy there. It’s made out of brick, but they opened up the walls and blew in insulation. When you close the doors you can’t hear anything.” I nod and make a noncommittal reply, unobtrusively making a tally mark on my wrist next to an ‘Ins’ for ‘insulation’. Granny rubs her nails. She does it so often that they’re shiny and smooth, and she refuses to cut them because she likes the way they look. “It’s so quiet here,” she says a few moments later.

A rare week-long vacation home for me just happened to coincide with the week my aunt decided to go on vacation herself, informing my dad that he would need to watch their mom while she was gone. My granny is tiny and fragile, standing under 4′8″. She reminds me of a bird with her slight frame and silk scarves, and her fingers are so twisted with age that her thumbs are bent ninety degrees at the knuckle. She needs a walker or cane to walk, and she’s also very stubborn and has dementia. As a result, she needs constant watching. My dad is self-employed, but he still has to visit clients, something my aunt apparently didn’t care about before she decided to leave my granny in his care without asking him. My mom and sister are both teachers at a tiny private school, so they can’t get off work to watch her.

“Can you watch your grandma on Wednesday? I should only be gone an hour.” I’m not surprised when I look at the time and see that three hours have passed. My father’s clients are rarely time conscious. “What are you studying in school?” my granny asks. She’s asked me that seven times already today. I’m making marks on my wrist to keep count of the conversations we repeat. We discuss my career path (theology), the insulation in her house, her British stepfather and the proper way to make tea, her dogs, my uncle, a certain antique chair. I make abbreviations on my arm and tally the comments. I lose track during lunch. I can’t bring a pen to the table without risking her noticing. I’m twenty-six years old, and this may be the most she’s ever spoken to me.

My grandmother does not know who I am. I know this for multiple reasons.

First, she does not use my name. She almost always uses my father’s name when she speaks to him. She does the same for my aunt, my uncles, my cousins. But she never refers to me by name all week.

Second, I get a hair cut near the end of the week. This wasn’t just a trim. I’ve had long hair since I was twelve, and it reached the small of my back. Even though it could be a pain, it was pretty distinctive, thick and dark and wavy. My hair now curls just below my chin. It’s a drastic change, and people I barely know comment on it. My granny never mentions my hair. She doesn’t recognize me enough to spot the difference.

Third and finally, she is kind to me.

“She keeps telling the story about her dogs,” I tell my mom as we drive to the store, “But she only says the one line that comes at the end. The only reason I know what she’s talking about is because Dad told us the story.” My mom is quiet for a moment as she drives. She knows the story I’m referencing. A man was frightened by my granny’s large dogs years ago, and she made a rude yet witty response to his reaction. Granny stills chuckles to herself when she recites what she told him. “Her sister hated that story,” my mom says, “They all wanted to pretend that she was always the sweetest, kindest person. But she’s only nice to people she likes and to strangers.”

I love my granny, but I do not like her. She fusses when she finds a grill mark on her half-eaten burger when we go out to eat, insisting it must be burnt. She sighs when I suggest we watch her favorite show even though we both know she’ll enjoy it. I watch her as she sits and fusses and rubs her nails, remembering the years of heartache she’s caused my mom. I can’t help but compare her to my mom’s mother. My grammy is about as opposite from my granny as you could imagine, both in appearance and in personality. Grammy was blond, soft and stout where granny is dark haired and slight. Where my granny is outwardly polite, my grammy was blunt and even caustic at all times with all people. My granny is from the city while my grammy was born in a house without electricity. Some, like my granny, would consider my grammy uncultured. But my grammy saw us every year. She sent us birthday cards and hosted us yearly for “Cousin’s Camp,” taking us on all kinds of adventures. Her hugs were soft, and I would hug my pillows when I missed her, pretending it was her. She died of cancer years ago, but she prepared graduation gifts for all the cousins. I cried when I opened mine. My granny has given me two things in my life. Both of them were books, and only one of them was only for me. The other book was a joint gift to me and my two sisters. That same year she gave my brother three presents. I can’t remember when my granny last gave me a full hug.

I do not like my granny, but I love her. She is my father’s mother, and he loves her. He is gentle and patient with her, answering the same questions, soothing the same worries time and time again. He tells me what to feed her, how to avoid upsetting her, how to make her happy even when she’s being stubborn. I grew up with his stories of her, and I cannot help but feel affection for someone he loves so deeply. When I was born, I looked like her when I didn’t look like my parents. I look at her today and see myself in her eyes, so dark they’re almost black, her light olive skin, her thick black braid only now beginning to be streaked with grey. She has never cared for me, but I cannot help but love her. Part of me is glad of this, that I can love the woman who raised my father. The things she loved became the things he loved which in turn became things I love. I treasure the book she gave me, to only me, even though I know it is only luck that she gave me something I would enjoy. Part of me knows her indifference would not hurt so much if I did not.

The week is nearly over. My family just had supper in the garden at my aunt’s house, and we’re driving home, leaving my father with my granny. “I never knew she worked with Mother Teresa,” I said, “Did you hear her talking about that? She helped at a homeless shelter when Mother Teresa was visiting. It’s really cool.” “That never happened,” my sister says, looking ahead at the road. “What?” “Didn’t you see Dad shaking his head? It didn’t happen. She’s reading a book about Mother Teresa right now. She made it up.” "Oh,” I reply. It explains why she didn’t react to my attempts to connect with her by bringing up my own charity work. We drive back home in silence, and I study the tally marks on my arm. I don’t wash them off for days. I feel the need to hold on to what little of her I can.

#my life #dementia #tally marks #grandma #family

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lovinglunaxxtothemoonandback · 7 years

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What a blur...

Well...this post to you comes from my new living room in North Carolina..and what a blur it’s been!

Wednesday: We had a great NJ Day. My friend Jenny was off so we spent the day in downtown Point Pleasant. Luna was a handful but we enjoyed walking around the stores. The teacher supply store was giving a 25% off discount so I did really well. I also got a NJ outline necklace at my favorite PP store Stella e Luna. We ended the day with iced coffee and pizza..good times. It was also Kory’s last day at his NJ store so we had a fun game night to celebrate

Thursday: We visited my grandmother and ran some errands before going home and finishing up packing. Packing Luna’s room was really hard, I was crying. We created that room for our little girl, and it’s grown up with her..leaving it behind was hard. I can barely even remember Thursday honestly, just working continuously to get stuff done.

Friday: Loading day! First thing in the morning we dropped Luna off with her sitter. Well first we picked up flowers for her. Luna was very excited to be there. Then it was on to picking up the truck. It was starting to rain and I was getting nervous. Kory took the truck and I ran to target to get a new litter box for the cats going with my BIL. Kory beat me home but waited for me and Jenny to get there to help him back the truck into our spot. When he backed it in and opened it up I started to panic..it didn’t look nearly as big as I expected. Once my BIL and his friend showed up we started loading. Luckily, there was no more rain but damn it was humid. Bringing everything down from the second floor apartment SUCKED. After about 3-4 hours though, everything was loaded. And I mean EVERYTHING! It all fit!!!! I couldn’t believe it. We even had room to spare to pick up the things at my aunts house. Anyway, we treated the guys to pizza then said our goodbyes. I ran to the store to get flowers and a birthday cake for my aunt, then I picked Luna up from her sitters and that was REALLY hard..I was crying. We’re going to miss her a lot.

We met Kory at my aunts and relaxed for the evening. She cooked and my cousin came over with her kids and we had a cake for my aunts birthday. It was a nice evening. But then anxiety started hitting me and I couldn’t sleep AT ALL. Took me a couple of hours it was awful.

Saturday: Woke up to my aunt letting us know there was a massive storm front coming and a tornado watch. In NJ...cool. It didn’t wind up being too bad and cleared up pretty quickly. Once it cleared up with left Luna with my aunt to go back to the apartment to clean and return the keys. It took 4 hours and it was AWFUL. I was a sad to leave but then they were obnoxious in the office (saying they would charge me for the rubber pool pass bracelets I pack...bite me) so it took the sadness away.

I was exhausted when we got back to my aunts and it was chaos there. Luna was exhausted, she did a lot with her cousins and she was being straight up nasty. I kept trying to remove her from the situation but her cousins kept following and it was terrible and I was so tired. Luckily I finally got her to lay down with me for just a few minutes to talk and relax and my cousin put her kids on their screens so it would be quiet and everything was better after that. Kory showed up and it was time to load up the stuff at my grandmas house. My moms dining room table was being stored there and we were taking my grandmas patio set. It was super heavy and our friend helping us move was coming a lot later than expected so it took a lot to get it on the truck but we managed! Finally everything was loaded (we fit EVERYTHING expect 2 of the 6 patio chairs which we can bring down when we visit for christmas). We hooked the tow dolly up to the truck (my cousins husband had arrived luckily) and tried to get Kory’s car up...but it wasn’t working. His car sits too low and it was destroying the bumper. So it was decided that my car would have to be hooked up and I would have to drive his to NC...GREAT!!!! Cue panic attack..you guys know how you get used to your own car the idea of driving someone elses car that far is nerve wrecking. Plus my car has apple car play which makes using gps really easy..plus its a hybrid..just ugh. My car went up on the tow dolly without a problem and we just switched stuff around.

We ordered chinese food (fun fact, my first ever meal and last ever meal as a NJ resident were both chinese from the same restaurant!). My cousins were so sweet, they bought Luna “going away gifts” (even though she just had a birthday). They got her a big Elsa doll and a mini Else castle with the characters. Perfect for the car! Kory had to go pick up our friend (who was running late) it was nearly 9 and he wasn’t back yet so I put Luna to bed myself. Her cousins were SO SAD to say goodbye (Luna didn’t really understand why). She was exhausted and went down without a peep. Kory showed up and we said goodbye to my cousins. We kept the emotions away for the kids. Not long after it was time for bed..it hit me how scary everything was and I was crying in bed. Took me a long time to fall asleep again.

Sunday: The day arrived! Alarms went off at 3am (yawn) and we got moving. My aunt woke up and made me coffee (yay). We loaded up the cars, got Luna out of bed and said our goodbyes. That was super emotional, my aunt and I were both basket cases. They’re coming down in November though..just a few months away. Luna woke up and was very excited for the trip..I gave her some melatonin and prayed she would fall back asleep. Not long out of my aunts development, she did. We stayed behind the truck for about 30 minutes until I couldn’t take the slow speed anymore and sped up. Around 5:30 Kory called me to see how we were doing (they had stopped for gas and to switch drivers). Luna was still asleep and stayed asleep until nearly 7!!! By then we were in Virginia so we stopped at the first rest area for a potty break (I had to pee SO BADLY but refused to stop as long as she was sleeping!!!). I got us situated and started Luna’s “gifts” (I picked up a bunch of cheap stuff from the dollar tree and wrapped it) every 40 mins or so I set an alarm on my phone and she got a present. It was great, kept her really well behaved.

Our next stop wasn’t long after the first but I wanted to get gas before we got off 95 because 84 doesn’t have as many options. I took an exit and got gas at the first gas station I saw..my first time pumping gas ever (hello Jersey girl here!!). I couldn’t figure it out, Kory wasn’t answering and I was trying not to panic. Luckily I figured it out soon..stupid pump made you start pumping before paying..lame.

Back on the road! I wanted to stop at a rest area around 11 to get lunch together (we had sandwiches in the car). I missed one at 10:45, figured there would be one soon but no luck. Nearly 12 I couldn’t take it anymore so we stopped at a Pilot with a dunkin donuts right off the highway (figured I could use caffeine anyway). We pottied and I got coffee then Luna jumped in a giant puddle before I could stop her and was filthy and soaked and needed cleaning and changing. This was the start of our downfall. Finally we got back on the road with only 2 hours to go. Luna was set up with lunch and a movie. Surprisingly, she fell asleep in front of her movie (NEVER HAPPENS). We hit our first traffic of the trip (accident) but she slept through it. Less than an hour left! We were definitely getting testy with each other but we were almost there! When we hit the local highway I was giddy with relief. When we pulled into the neighborhood I legit started sobbing I was so happy. When we pulled into the driveway I just laid my head on the steering wheel and cried for a minute.

Kory and Jamie showed up with the truck and 40 mins after us (they made really good time, they stopped a lot more than we did). We went to get lunch then came back and unloaded. Despite having less people (and me being basically useless because I felt so sick ) and Luna being underfoot we were done in just a couple of hours. I don’t really remember much else about that day, I was so tired. I slept so well in my own bed.

Monday: Errands day! Pick up the modem (took forever), to Lowes to get parts needed for the dining room table, to the grocery store for stuff for an epic brunch. By noon we were finally eating at our dining room table and it was DELICIOUS!! Then I put Luna in her room for quiet time and unpacked the rest of the kitchen while Kory and Jamie took the truck to get the washer, dryer, BBQ and lawn mower (YIKES money being spent). When they got back the hooked up the washer and dryer and went to return the truck. They came back with food (we didn’t have time to BBQ) and it was time to bring Jamie to the airport. I was sad our last bit of NJ was leaving us. It’s going to be okay though. Kory had to stop by his new store so Luna and I picked some stuff from Target. Another exhausting day.

Tuesday: Kory’s last day off before going back to work. We did a little bit around the house then ventured out to toys r us (about 35 mins away) to finally spend Luna’s birthday money. We got a play house and little pool for the backyard. There was also a home decor store called at home..it was basically a homegoods on steroids..we couldn’t even get through the whole thing! We we’re starving by then and got a last hurrah meal and steak and shake..shakes to go and everything. When we got home Luna went into quiet time and we relaxed. When she was done Kory mowed the lawn then we put together her house and the patio furniture and had our first family bbq. It was delicious and just perfect. I’ve been wanting to have our own backyard for a looooong time.

Today: Kory had work :( Luna and I still ventured out to walmart and the dollar tree (using gps to get to walmart haha). It was a very slow, long, lonely day. I got some stuff done around here and set up Luna’s pool and we had fun. Hoping to make friends soon..it’s awfully lonely here. But we’re still enjoying the house and the area! Today I got an email from my new boss with our specials and lunch schedules so we can make our class schedules. It’s super weird seeing my name on the schedules..and very exciting and nerve wrecking! She also texted me to let me know that my classroom is ready so when Kory has off next week I’m going to go in and start bringing stuff in!

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taekwondorkjosh · 7 years

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This is just something I put together because I’m freaking out and thought this might help me process things. do not reblog, please.

abuse, manipulation, mental and physical illness, and financial drama below

When I was really little, my mother and father had some money troubles. According to my father, my mom routinely went and spent his money on irrelevant stuff, instead of paying for groceries, bills, etc. I don't know how accurate that interpretation of what happened is, but its entirely possible that the Irrelevant stuff was stuff for the children, just not stuff we needed. Trips to amusement parks, toys, movies, new shoes when we had perfectly good shoes already, etc. I know this is likely the case because my mother told me stories of how HER mother would do that too. Instead of important stuff, she spent money on little stuff to make us happy in the moment.

This post isn't to debate whether or not that is an appropriate parenting tactic or life strategy. Its too establish that my mother has always had trouble managing her money responsibly. Eventually, it got so bad my father was on the verge of bankruptcy, so he divorced my mother and sued for custody. He lost, and for a few years my three older siblings and one younger sibling (the first three from a previous marriage and the younger sibling my full sibling) lived with my mom until her life came crashing down. She lost everything.

My dad got custody when I was in second grade. I finished second grade and then my dad bought a house, the house I live in to this day. My younger brother and I went to live with him, while the other three stayed with my mom and her previous husband (who had by now pulled his life together enough to help with his kids). I saw my mother every other weekend and on wednesdays for dinner.

Every few visits we went to my Aunt and Grandma's house instead of spending time with my mom doing fun stuff. My mother, myself, and my brother would clean my mother's sister's apartment, taking care of them as best we could. It wasn't particularly fun but we loved our family and helped with.... marginal complaining.

My aunt and I had a very powerful connection. We liked a lot of the same things, and she even got me into a lot of stuff that I still love today, primarily martial arts. When I was seven, my mother signed me up to attend tae kwon do at the school that my aunt was helping out at, and it was amazing. I don't remember much of my childhood, but I know I loved it, even if it was difficult towards the end. Black belt testing is tough hahahha.

After I got my black belt, I wanted to take a little break. I was ten years old and wanted to play around a bit, and my dad took this as an opportunity to get me to do other stuff. I didn't return to tae kwon do until high school, where my connection with my aunt grew much stronger.

I spent three to five hours, six days a week at that tae kwon do school with my aunt. Eighteen to thirty hours a week in her company. Some weekends I would go over to her house and hang out, spending the weekend with her.

I spent a fraction of that with my mother. Saturday afternoon to sunday night, thirty six hours, every two weeks. In a month, I'd spend between 72 and 120 hours with my aunt, and 72 with my mother, if I didn't spend a weekend with my aunt. I loved my aunt.

By the time I was in high school, though, my mother turned her life around. She found a steady job and a good apartment, and had divorced her third husband, an aggressive and dangerous man with some bipolar condition. I was little I don't remember, only that he would sometimes get very, very angry. The point is, that she was doing good.

The three of us started spending mroe time at my aunt/grandma's house. It was getting bad. Two older women with a SLEW of physical disorders and an army of cats, crammed into one thousand square feet? NOT good. It was a terrible mess, and we all came together to turn it around. My mom and my aunt got a joint bank account, so that my mother could help them manage their funds, and IMMEDIATELY she got them a new apartment, found homes for several of the cats, got them insured and healthier (my aunt got all new teeth!), and even managed to get my aunt several job offers.

An then, college. I spend a few years putzing around, and one day I catch my aunt going over bank statements at tae kwon do. She's confused by some of the expenditures on there. Alright, fair.

This starts a huge conflict. According to my aunt, my mother owes her thirty thousand dollars, spent on stuff that my aunt does not have or has no recollection of authorizing. This money was spent over the course of the last 10 months, from when the bank account was made to the 'present' day. 10 months, and my mother somehow stole 30k AND turned my aunt and grandma's lives around.

My mother's rebuttal: all but 2k of that 30k is accounted for. Presents for the nephews/grandchildren, authorized by my grandmother, new clothes for my aunt for a job interview, that's the new fridge, that's a one thousand dollar loan that my mother borrowed, with grandma's approval, and paid back three hours later (banks are weird like that), gas money for the trips over to their apartment to clean cat shit off the tile floors, lunch after cleaning their toilets, etc. It was all stuff like that, with a recurring theme: my aunt wasn't the one who said "Do it," grandma was. The 2k that was left was just stuff that my mom didn't have receipts for and couldn't remember, and my mom would have paid that back if my aunt asked for it.

But my aunt demanded the full 30k. She refused to accept "but grandma said so" because grandma didn't remember that. What my aunt also refused to accept was that grandma was going senile and had been for a few years. Maybe she forgot? HOW DARE YOU BLAH BLAH BLAH it was awful.

So my aunt brings my mother to civil court and charges her. Touts all this evidence and claims that she's an invalid and has lived in a fugue state for the last few years due to pain medication and, well, pain. She claims that my mother was taking advantage of her, stealing from her, risking her life by putting her in financial jeapordy.

This is garbage, because A) my aunt was working at tkd with me EVERY DAY FOR THIS PERIOD OF TIME, B) my aunt managed to pull off straight A's at LBCC while they got a certificate in something, and C) HER LIFE IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER THAN IT WAS BEFORE!!!

My Aunt's annual income, including tae kwon do and Grandma's pension, was around 40k. HOW DID MY MOTHER STEAL ALMOST AN ENTIRE YEAR'S WORTH OF MONEY, AND STILL MANAGE TO GET YOU INTO A BETTER SITUATION? Its all a load of bs, its lies, its slander.

My mother loses the civil case. She has to pay back my aunt 15k. Alright. Fine. Its over with. Its far more than my mother should have to pay but its done.

My Aunt then charges CRIMINALLY, and brings the whole thing back. My mother is unequipped to handle this, we do the best we can, and manage to bring down the multiple felonies my aunt is trying to charge my mother with down to a misdemeanor theft charge. One thousand hours of community service and we're good to go.

Unfortunately, the misdemeanor theft doesn't exist, so my aunt's lawyers file the paperwork as a felony anyway. My mother now has a felony on her record, owes 15k dollars, and has to somehow do 1k hours of community service while working a full time job.

Now, by the time this all goes down my aunt has quit tae kwon do, she is no longer working there and hasn't been for some time. I see her occasionally, as I still have a relationship with this woman, until the criminal charges are brought up.

I immediately tell my aunt to back down. She refuses. I sever ties with her and we're done now. I focus on my relationship with my mother, trying to help her as best I can to deal with this mess.

My relationship with my aunt was severed five years ago. A few months later, the trial is over and my mother is struggling to deal with the repercussions of all of this. Its been half a decade, and we're finally turning shit around. My mother has almost paid off my aunt. She's back in school to get a bachelor's degree while working and bringing in six figures (when combined with her husband's income). We're doing wonderfully.

Then I get an email this morning from my aunt. She wants to let us know that my grandmother is sick in the head (senility alzheimers, idk), she likely does not have long left, and wants to see us before she forgets who her family is.

I do not know how to process this. This rambling post is my attempts to fully understand what has happened, and to give context to anyone who wants it. I don't know how to do this. I don't want to just leave my grandmother to die, broken and alone, but I also don't want a relationship with my aunt. My grandmother through my mother under the bus, supporting my aunt completely in all of this, and is just as much to blame as my aunt.

But.... still. I don't know what to do.

#personal

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littleredspaces · 7 years

Text

My baby’s six months old, so we all thought it would be easier to host Christmas at our place this year, and I invited my parents and brother to fly in for four days. My parents offered to get a hotel for that time since our place is pretty small while my brother stayed in our spare room. Then for some health reasons to do with my grandmother, my parents couldn’t come. I was devastated my mom wouldn’t make it--she hadn’t seen my baby since summer--so I invited her to come for a week over new years instead while my dad stayed home in BC with grandma. All well and good. What I did not factor in was my brother..

I’d assumed my brother would just cancel without my parents coming out, but he still wanted to come for Christmas day. He is also constantly broke. He has a good degree and good job options, but he keeps turning down normal jobs in an attempt to work as little as possible while pretending he’s starting a business that never goes anywhere (its been well over a decade of this now). And then the rest of us have to accommodate when his lack of income poses difficulties. Case and point: he was too broke to fly out for Christmas, so he was going to drive instead, Montreal to Alberta, in winter, in a crappy car that was the “best he can afford” but is always breaking down. He didn’t tell us if he was even coming until a few days before Christmas, didn’t confirm which day he’d arrive until the morning before, and would not say, no matter how many times we asked, when he was planning to leave.

Then Christmas day I got sick. Lost my voice, constant coughing all night, which would then wake the baby, husband is on the couch because brother is on the spare bed, baby’s sleep schedule is gone, constantly stressed trying to breastfeed covered up, husband works from home, i’m home all day, brother parks himself on the couch in the middle of everything, doesn’t help with anything, and i felt like shit. It was horrible. Brother wanted to drive out to BC to see my parents before heading back to Montreal, so after four days I kicked him out since i was so ill and said we’d see him again on his way back through.

We get the house to ourselves for two nights, I start getting better, and then we finally get to have a wonderful week with my mom. It was a great week and she was super helpful, but it was still three of us and a very loud, busy baby huddled in each other’s space all day every day for a week and by the time she was gone we were exhausted.

Except then my brother was apparently coming back through. But he Would. Not. Tell. Us. When. Finally he said he’d arrive the next day, we spent all day waiting for him, had made food for him to heat up etc, and that evening he suddenly texted that he hadn’t bothered leaving BC that morning after all. Then he said he’d drive overnight and arrive the next morning. So we cancelled plans with other friends for the following day. Morning came and went, no brother, no text. Around supper he finally texted that he’d left late and would arrive by 11pm. It was actually closer to 1 am (cue husband waiting up, dog barking, baby waking, etc etc). We asked how long he was staying. After prodding MANY times he said maybe in three or four days. Well. Today was day three. After asking repeatedly last night just what his plans were he said he'd probably leave this morning at 9am. Slept in, lingered, asked about lunch...he finally got out the door at 1pm. I got half way through putting the baby down and then the doorbell was ringing and he was needing help recharging his car battery. Cue another hour of sitting around (with a wide awake baby). Finally after 2pm he drove away. An hour later he texted--the heater in the car was broken, could he come back for the night?

I told him one night was ok, but we’d like to get back to our routine tomorrow if possible.

Back he comes, parks himself on our couch yet again, changes our plans for the evening, eats our food, doesn’t offer to clean up, or help cook, or contribute to groceries, or order us take out, or anything at all really. I ask repeatedly what he’s going to do about his car’s heater and he keeps sort of laughing it off saying he doesn’t really know what’s wrong with it, and finally spends some time on youtube looking for a way to fix it.

I ask a while later if he’s figured it out. He says he’s thinking of just waiting until the weather’s warmer and he can handle the heater not working. I ask when that will be. He says maybe wednesday or next weekend (!!!). As though he can just stay for a full week uninvited without so much as an apology or even a single indication that this could possibly be inconvenient for us??

I tell him that is an awfully long time, as husband has just started teaching a new class, and we had plans to move baby to out of our bedroom this week into a new routine etc etc and he sort of made a resigned sound and nodded and committed to absolutely nothing.

Then at 9 pm the movie’s over, husband and i have finished clearing the table, tidying up all around him, husband has made up the couch to sleep on since baby’s sleep schedule’s still too messed up to get a good sleep in our room and the spare room is yet again going to brother, we’re turning off lights, and instead of going to his room brother literally just sits there in the living room on his laptop until we announce that this is a... worknight? for people with jobs and babies? so like please go to your room so the rest of us can sleep???

I invited my family for FOUR DAYS. How have I been hosting people in my home for over two weeks straight? It took months to get baby onto a workable sleep schedule and now he’s totally off, I can’t breastfeed freely, husband is sleeping on the couch destroying his back, I’m having to plan and cook multiple meals a day instead of just fending for ourselves like we normally do half the time, and while i’ve got my hands full with baby i’m constantly juggling awkward small talk, or else netflix is blaring, plus we’re cleaning up after brother in our tiny little living room day after day and he honestly doesn’t even understand that he is even being rude???

Husband is going crazy. I’m going crazy. Baby is trying to teethe and distracted by activity while he’s napping and stressed about eating under blankets for two weeks and counting and husband and I are stuck whispering in corners any time we want to have a normal conversation.

So now, what, I either let him sit around indefinitely or else be the jerk who kicks out a guy with a busted car?

Because he’s a 40 yr old man whose completely broke since he doesn’t have a normal job so he can’t just, you know, take his car in to get fixed, or rent a motel, or pitch in for groceries, or do anything besides impose on other people and expect us all to nod along sympathetically while he goes on and on about his bad luck.

#venting #personal #don't bother reading.

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