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marveling-chrisevans · 4 years

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What If - Walk of shame

What If - Walk of Shame

Chris Evans x OFC

Chapter six - 1932 words

Warnings: uh swearing maybe?

Summary: What if. What if you out of the blue and on an impulse applied for a contest, and what if you won that. What if you met someone who didn’t know you existed, and what if you asked them for a drink after. What if this impulse changed your entire life. ** note I didn’t win so I don’t know how all this would go down but this would be how I would have loved it to happen.. the first chapter completely happened.. the texts might not be the same. But it happened**

Tag List: @smoothdogsgirl @torntaltos @patzammit – If you wanna be tagged just make a comment below and I am happy to do that or just DM me, whichever

This story is fully caught up and posted on AO3 and Wat pad. I am going to be combining chapters to catch Tumblr up. but if you would like to read everything right now then go ahead. Also please

https://www.wattpad.com/story/184900452-what-if

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18506152/chapters/43856086

Faith woke up in a daze, she was laying on her side as she slowly opened her eyes to the sun streaming into the room. She saw the view of Hollywood from the hills, She was confused at where she was. The last thing that she remembers was that she was in a car on the way back to the hotel, then everything went kinda blurry. She looked around the room, and smelled food. She was extremely hung over and wanted some food.

She got up and wrapped the sheet around herself cause she didn’t have any clothes, and couldn’t find her dress, that she wore last night. She got up, walked toward the door that was closed and then walked out into the open lay out of the room. You could see the living room to the kitchen, seeing Chris was standing behind the island of the kitchen talking to what looked like his sister and his mother. She quickly backtracked into the room.

She didn’t escape unseen. Dodger jumped up and barked slightly as soon as she disappeared behind the door. She pushed it closed but didn’t get it all the way there as dodger pushed it all the way open. Faith Grabbed her phone and escaped onto the on suite bathroom and found her way into the tub..

Faith looked at her for the first time in most likely 12 hours, and saw that she had like 9 missed calls and texts from rose, and one from her brother. She slide into the tub as dodger jumped up to join her in there and started licking her face which made her laugh “hi puppy, can you stop?” She wondered as she called rose..

Rose answered the phone “Well fuck thank god your not dead, where the hell are you! Ive been worried sick!”

Faith laughed slightly “currently in a bathtub, with a dog, dodger actually in Chris’s Bathroom.. uh naked.. we had sex last night. Apprently, I mean I remember most of the night but then it gets fuzzy..”

Rose gasped on the other end of the phone “how was it, I want to know everything don’t leave out a single thing, oh my god.. I knew it.. MY SHIP IS ALIVE”

Faith pulled the phone from her head “hungover” she angry whispered in the phone “and I don’t remember much of it. Like I said fuzzy, but I can tell you it was the best sex I’ve ever had.. Oh god I hope he used a condom” she said back into the phone

“i did” Chris replied with a smile on his face. Faith looked up to where the voice came from “it was really good for me too”

“i gotta go rose I uh, gotta go uh ill be back in a little bit” Faith said and hung up the phone sliding further into the bathtub to hid which made dodger thing that it was okay to start kiss attacking her again.

“Dodger out” Chris said as dodger then stopped and put his head on the side of the tub looking at the owner “Glad to see you are awake.. I put your clothes on the bed, I washed them this morning. Also there is some coffee in there, I have to go do something with the avengers. I also put my number in your phone. Take as much time as you need, shower do whatever my family just left to go to the beach so you are the only one here” he replied to her

“and where is here so I can uh summon an taxi” She asked looking up at him trying not to make this all awkward more than it already was. Because its be honest it was really awkward for her “also just so you know I didn’t mean for this to happen.. I got way to drunk and I don’t do this, and oh my god did I say, ‘im feeling it now mr. Krabs?” She wondered looking at him

He nodded and laughed slightly “you did and Faith its alright, you are an amazing girl, and like I said last night id love to get to know you more.” He said “i gotta go but can I see you before you leave tomorrow?”

Faith answered her phone as it rang “yes this is Faith Young, Wait what? Are you serious yeah I can be there for an interview tomorrow morning” She smiled “yeah also that would be cool have always wanted to attend one, yeah two tickets. Thanks” she said back to the person and then looked at him and bite her lip as she pulled herself out of the tub making sure the towel was wrapped around herself “uh I guess not, I have an interview tomorrow, for my dream job non the less. So uh maybe? If its later today” you replied “but maybe not? I don’t know” She smiled “maybe we will just have to leave at it as what it is. A winners trip to Meet Chris Evans at the Premier of EndGame” Faith said back to him as he nodded

“I hope that isn’t the case, I have a feeling we will run into each other again” Chris replied as he walked over to her and kissed her one last time before he left the house

Faith closed her eyes when Chris kissed her and wished It would have lasted a little longer. The linger feeling of his pillow soft lips against hers. She stood there a while longer with her eyes closed wishing he never left. She heard the door close and dodger come back in and looked at her.

Faith got up from hiding in the tub, and went out and found her dress. Like he said it was laying on the bed. She wasn’t about wearing that home for the walk of shame. She went and showered in his shower, then raided his dresser and found a basic t shirt and just some smaller looking sized sweatpants.

She then called herself an Lyft. Headed back to the hotel she couldn’t believe that she just slept with her celebrity crush. The one guy who would have been on her exception list when she got married. She took a deep breath as she waited on the street for her ride. She had managed to get out of the house without running into his family. She thanked whoever was listening for that.

On the drive back to the hotel she made basic small talk talk with the driver. Once getting to the hotel she thanked the man and Gave him a cash tip as she had some from the night before, knowing that these drives prefer that over the tip in the app so they can use it right way.

Riding the elevator and going into the room felt so basic compared to her last 12 hours. She came in the room and flopped down on the bed next to Rose.

Rose sat up from where she was on her phone in her bed and looked at Faith “So are you going to spill the tea or are you just going to walk of shame?” She wondered looking at her friend “also are you in Chris’s clothes, because we could get serious money off of those

“Rose I swear if you keep yelling or talking loud or whatever I am going to punch you in the face. Also its not a walk of shame if you're not ashamed it happened?” She questioned back before she kept talking “Also we are not going home tonight, You know that job I told you applied for about a month ago for my jobs tv program, to be a project manager, well apparently I got accepted and They want me to go there for the keynote program tomorrow to show me off or something, give a presentation. I am not sure as I stopped listening when I heard I got the job.” she said back to her with putting her face into the bed sighing heavily ignoring the last comment about eBay comment.

“it can still be a walk of shame..” Rose countered back

Faith got up and walked over to her suitcase shaking her head, “remind me when we finally get home to look at my Lyft pick up history to send these back” She said to rose knowing she wouldn’t remember because she was going go from one project to another and just throw everything in the laundry

Rose smirked “ not gonna do that, but before we hop on another plane I do wanna go to this event at the Chinese theater I heard about, also the walk of fame is over there.” Rose replied knowing what she was asking and what was going on. Faith listened to her talk as she flung on some leggings and a flowing crop top that just showed a little of the top of her midriff. Running a brush through her hair. “okay fine let me take something for this headache and along s we stop at a coffee place I don’t care” Faith replied fixing her make up touching it up and throwing on a pair of sunglasses grabbing her bag “lets go”

The two walked out of the hotel stopping at the first coffee shop for Faith, then finished there walk to the walk of fame. Looking at the stars, stopping for the ones they loved posing and stopping at a few stars as they go. They were across the street from the Chinese theater as faith looked at it confused “what did you say was going on here?” Staring at the arch with the original six in it “Rose if this is an avengers event I don’t wanna be here, I embarrassed myself and then slept with one of the stars.. uh no”

The announcer started to announce the actors as they came out one by one and the producers. Faith of course started to try and hide behind the Camera people and taking a few steps back to be more blended into the crowd

Rose smirked “oh its not like he is going to see you standing in the crowd” she replied back as She went back to cheering as they came out. Faith kinda just tired to blend in and not bring attention to herself. Making sure her sunglasses were firmly in place. Faith hid the best she could till he looked out in the crowd. Even tho the both of them were wearing sunglasses, your eyes connected. You quickly turned your head to look at something else. She could feel his eyes linger at her.

Chris lingered his eye on her, it was the same girl he was with last night. He knew that hair and those lips anywhere. He felt it in his soul. Someone said his name which caught his attempting which made him loose her in the crowd. That could have been because she quickly went and hid behind the building.

Faith took a deep breath as it felt like her heart was in her throat she didn’t know what to do. She went and sat down on the bench that was near by and texted rose her location, and waited for her to come to her. After the ceremony, Rose Found faith and they did the rest of the things tourists do when they are in LA, before going back to the hotel getting their stuff and flying on the plane to the next location in California, this time for Faiths job.

#Chris Evans #Chris Evans x Reader #chris evans x original female character #chris evans x you #chris evans x ofc #Chris Evans imagine #Chris Evans smutt #Chris Evans fluff #Chris Evans Angst #Chris Evans Longing #Andy barber #Avengers #Steve rodgers #Captain America

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iseutz · 6 years

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Chapter Five

There’s quite a lot of angst. A little fluff, and a lottle of angst. Sorry guys, but it’s still Julian we’re talking about.

I went at Portia’s the following afternoon and I was quite nervous for the implications: I haven’t heard from Julian since the only time I’d see him, and I had spent way too much time staring at my mobile phonebook trying to decide whether to text him or not. This way a day and a half have passed uneventfully and as I rang the Devoraks doorbell my mind was a blur of questions: would he be at home? Would he come to say hello? Why hadn’t he called?

Portia opened the door.

-Hey there. Ilya is dying.

-I’m sorry, what?

-He caught a fever after the remake of Singing in the Rain – she let me in and followed to the clothes hanger as I got rid of my jacket. – You should go to his deathbed.

-I don’t think so. Haven’t heard from him at all.

-Oh, he’s probably too weak and sweaty to pick up the phone. Men are wussies. I’ll be in the living room – she marched away, leaving me alone in the corridor.

Unlike Portia’s (crested with a plate with the words “WELCOME TO THE ARMAGEDDON”), Julian’s room door was plain and unassuming. I knocked lightly, but no answer came from within. Still, I got in.

It was clearly a room dating back from many years before, when the concept of home comfort was expressed through solid, massive dark wooden furniture. The wardrobe hid the whole right wall, up to the ceiling; a huge writing table with a lot of drawers stood under the window, its chair a ponderous monster with dark green leather padding. There was a bass guitar resting against a small amp in a corner, its case open on the floor, half-filled with sheet music. Shelves covered the left wall, crowded with books and small objects I couldn’t quite make out in the dim light. The bed was at the other end of the room, headboard against the wall. It looked small compared to the rest: just a single bed with small posts, a black poster on the wall over it. I managed to read it only once I came closer: Bauhaus – Crackle. That boy did know good music.

Julian was sleeping on his right side, his back facing me. His mouth was slightly open, eyebrows relaxed, a slight sorrowful expression. He was breathing through his mouth; the nightstand was covered in cough drops and used tissues. The eyepatch hung from the reading light, over a copy of some medicine book. He let out a long sigh and pulled an arm from under the covers; probably the fever had him feel hot. My heart sank a little: from the middle of his forearm, up to where the t-shirt sleeve hid it, his arm was striped in scars. Some were so thin I wasn’t sure if my eyes were playing tricks on me; others were thick and short, like stabbing marks. All of a sudden I felt bad for him, a sting of pain pierced my chest; he looked so vulnerable, so fragile despite his size, sleeping ill and alone in the bed of someone else. Unable to resist, I placed a hand on his forehead, moving as softly as I could. It felt quite hot, but I’ve always had cold hands and couldn’t judge properly; Julian leaned into my hand, a content sound purring from his chest. He turned towards me, waking up slowly; I saw his brows knitting together as he focused on my unfamiliar form. Then he smiled. Then he startled, eyes wide, and slapped a hand on the right half of this face.

-Uhm. Could you… - he gestured past me, towards the night stand.

-You don’t have to. It’s no big deal for me, I swear.

-It is for me. Please - he replied firmly. I gave him the eyepatch and he turned his back on me while he put it on; then he fell back on his back, smiling faintly at me.

-Hey - he patted the bed with a hand and I sat by him. He raised a hand to caress my cheek. – I’m glad that you came.

-Well, yes… Portia invited me – he frowned again.

-So did I.

-No… you really didn’t.

-I tell you I did! I did it just hours ago… I can prove it – he fumbled with the bed’s duvet until he found his cell phone. – A-ha! Told you… oh.

-What?

He lent me his phone without a word. I read:

MADEMOISELLE RACCOON, ALAS, A CRUEL DISEASE CONSUMES ME. MY DAYS ARE NUMBERED, WOULD222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222

-I fell asleep over it – he looked miserable, and I laughed.

-Don’t be so sad! It was a great message, and I’m glad you were thinking of me – his eye twinkled as a lopsided grin spread on his face.

-Don’t think too highly of me. My plan was to spread the plague all along – his long arms raised to encircle me, pulling me down towards him. I happily surrendered, but he changed his mind halfway and pushed me back to my place. – What am I doing, I don’t want to rub it on to you. Sorry.

-So you’re a gentleman, after all.

-Certainly not – he replied insulted. I lowered my mouth to his ear.

-Neither am I – I whispered.

-I do hope so… - his words died as I kissed his cheek, his jaw, his lips. He pushed my hair behind my ear. –Are you sure?

I kissed him again. His mouth had the mineral taste of fever, ferrous like blood. I stroke his neck, his collarbone peeking from the hem of his t-shirt; his hand caressed my spine, slid under the sweater, under the t-shirt, under the tank top. He laughed against my mouth:

-How many layers are you wearing? It’s April!

-Yes, and you’re in bed with the flu. I suffer cold, that’s it

-I may have a couple of hacks for you – he drew me closer, pressed me on his chest, his arms wrapped around me. That’s how Mazelinka found us as she entered the room unannounced.

-Enough of the smoochies now, kids. I know your parents and I don’t want to get in trouble.

I had already jumped on my feet, far from the bed. –You don’t know my parents, Mazelinka.

-I know parents. Julian, you have to take your bath.

-Mazelinka, for the hundredth time: there is no scientific proof that Nevivon salts are an actual medicine.

-You will take your bath anyway, because you stink. This poor girl here, I don’t know how she survived.

-I don’t stink! And I refuse to take a bath while we have guests at home.

-Like you don’t want to get naked with her around.

I ran from the room, my face on fire, while the discussion heated up. Portia welcomed me from the couch of the living room.

-Hello, stranger. Judging by the shouting it’s bath time.

-So it seems – I grabbed Pepi, Portia’s fat seal point cat, and brought it to the sofa with us. – Portia… I saw scars on Julian’s arm. What do you know about it?-

-Oh, those. He started when he got back from the hospital; he used to tell me it was Pepi teething, but Pepi has never bit me – she scratched the cat’s belly and a steady purring sound promptly ensued. –Isn’t it true, meatball? You never bit anyone because you’re just a giant loaf of love – Pepi closed its eyes as Portia kissed it repeatedly on its head.

-Wait a minute… hospital?

-Oh, you didn’t know? Man, you really don’t know my brother – she sneered.

-You could have told me.

-Julian had a brain tumor when he was a kid… 10, 11 years old. That’s how he lost his eye, and that’s why we came to Vesuvia: so he could have surgery.

-A brain tumor? – it was a huge thing to process. People died of those things.

-Yes. The doctors said he could have kept his eye if we had him visited earlier. I don’t know why we didn’t, I was, like, five and Julian never seemed ill to me. Then, one night he woke up screaming. We had the same room and it scared me to death; I remember I flipped the light on and he was holding his head. His eyes were wrong… like, one was normal, but the other one was pointing upward. Mom and dad were trying to talk to him and he just kept screaming, screaming… They didn’t let me go to the hospital; even after we moved here they never let me visit him. Mom later told me the doctors put him into a coma the moment they visited him, and he never woke up until after the surgery.

-Oh my god. How long till he came back?

-Almost one year. At first we moved all together here: I slept in Julian’s room, my parents slept in mine. Then dad had to go back to Nevivon, start working again. He would visit on weekends. But I had to start school, so me and mum stayed. Eventually she came back to Nevivon, once Julian graduated. But for the first couple of months we were all here. When Ilya came back… I struggled to recognize him. He was so thin… they shaved a patch of his hair away, and his eye was all bandaged. He wanted to be alone, and refused to be photographed until his hair grew back; there’s not a single picture of him in a three years amount of time – Portia lowered her voice, her eyes fixed on Pepi. – But once, a couple of years ago, I sneaked into his room… I knew he hid cigarettes somewhere and I wanted one. I found this box under his bed, and it was full of photographs. He had been taking pictures of every damaged part of his body: the stitches on his scalp, the bruises from the shots and the IVs, his eye… before he got the glass eye and I tell you it was a gruesome sight. There was a shot of his throat and the sores from intubation. His handwriting… we mock him now, tell him he has the perfect doctor handwriting, but he… basically had to re-learn how to write- Portia’s voice crackled. – He must have felt so lonely, he di-didn’t know anyone and I… I was bitching all the time because he got all the attention!

-Pasha… I’m so sorry…

Portia’s first crying sighs turned into a whelp as Julian startled us both, crossing the living room in three steps and hugging her. How long had he been there? I got up and ran to the kitchen to grab some paper towels while Portia bawled:

-Why are you apologizing, you dummy? I am the one who should!

I put the towels on the sofa, then quietly backed out of the room and closed the door. I crossed the corridor to find Mazelinka in the kitchen, sweeping the floor. I hadn’t noticed her the first time.

-They are good kids.

-Mazelinka, I think I’m going home, leave them some room. Tell them I say hello.

-You are a good kid too.

-I wish there was something I could do.

-Be understanding. Be patient – Mazelinka’s accent was strong, but her vesuvian was better than she thought. – We Nevjvöds are different from you people: we have a history of suffering, it runs in our blood. Pasha is strong, she is a fighter. But Ilya, he’s a martyr: too much pain, too soon. Thinks it’s his destiny. Maybe you can remember him life is not that bad – she smiled at me amongst a cobweb of wrinkles. –Sit. I make tea.

-No, thank you Mazelinka. I’m going home. Keep an eye on those two, will you?

#fanfiction #fan fiction #the arcana #julian devorak #mazelinka #oc apprentice #selendri #julian x mc #long post #angst #fluff #comfort

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klance · 7 years

Note

Do you have any good klance fics?

wow so this is extrememememmememmememllylyllylyyyyyy late lol like no kidding i think 2 of these messages have been sitting in my inbox for who knows how long….and ive gotten requests to do fic recs post since like. the beginning of this blog lol. but here i am almost a yr later sup guys

so ill go ahead and only list my top 5 because out of the 46248678282 fics ive probably read these are the most memorable ones for me…..there are more but they are either unfinished or i jut genuinely do not remember the title/author because i am a mess lol….so here goes!

never been kissed by kairiolette

“You give off the obnoxious popular vibe. The mullet, and the rap sheet, and—the fingerless gloves,” Lance replies, and barrels on before Keith can take it the wrong way. “I’m so handsome, my name’s Keith and I’m a pilot.”

“That sounds more like a compliment than an insult,” Keith says slowly, a disdainful quirk to his eyebrows that only spurs Lance on. He tilts his head a bit, his bangs shadowing his face, like he’s assessing a particularly impossible physics problem. “And I don’t like that voice you’re using.”

by far my #1 fave fic….not only because it is so GOOD but because i remember this was the very first klance fic i read i actually forgot the title/author for the longest time and i couldnt find it again until recently and im sooo happy i did

nothing’s quite as sweet by dimpleforyourthoughts

Keith is a barista who hates his job. Lance works at the cat shelter across the street.

read all 50k word glory in one sitting and i dont regret it

try if you can by aknightley

Keith has liked Lance for so long that you’d think he’d be used to this by now.

“Oh my god,” Shiro whispers incredulously. “You’re ridiculous.”

Keith doesn’t even want to know what expression is on his face for Shiro to say something like that, but he can’t help it.

one of many awesome pining fics!

i’ll be waiting right here by queenfrog

Keith sighs and runs a hand through his already tousled hair. “I mean, we’ll just take the rings off and that’ll be it. No big deal.”

“No big deal?” Lance squawks, sounding slightly hysterical now. “No big deal?” He stands up quickly and waves his ring finger in front of Keith’s face. “Keith, we said vows. I’m pretty sure that’s the very definition of a big deal.”

Keith and Lance get married. Accidentally.

read this the other day actually and it was…..so….good……so much pining……..

got got got it bad by kairiolette

“He leans in to hook his arm around Keith’s shoulders in full. It’s right in Keith ear, when he speaks. “I have a crush on someone new, like, every week.”

“No—it’s not someone.” Keith brings his head up, and it feels as heavy on his neck as if it were his center of gravity, and he meets Lance’s eyes with his own. Keith doesn’t mean to communicate something through their silence, he just kind of gets caught up in staring at Lance’s face, which tends to happen lately. Sharp features, cheekbones and chin. Impossible eyes and a loud mouth as expressive as his eyebrows. But Lance seems to come to some understanding on his own. He sits back in a rare, rare moment of speechlessness, that mouth of his slightly pursed and twitching in its search for words in what can only be, though Keith doesn’t know much about body language, immense confusion on the brink of realization.”

Or: Keith acknowledges his feelings for Lance and promptly goes through the five stages of grief.

i had to list this authors other klance fic i swear their writing is godly lol

i think thats it....! yeah sorry this is so short but i wanna hope my fic rec tag makes up for it !! lol if i remember any other fics i really wanted to mention ill edit them here but other than that here u go! pretty sure most (all?) have been other lists too but oh well ahhh

p.s. PLS SEND ME FIC RECS!! i am always always looking for other good fics lol

#ask #fic recs #faq

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perfectionistincrisis · 7 years

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Day 81

i keep talking to myself all the time - no not cause im mad or alone - but like i said earlier - i pretend like its ‘him’ and just him. meaning, no, im not those people who talk to themselves cause they enjoy doing it, or like um neither those who talk to themselves cause they dont have anyone else to talk to - but rather, -i-just-talk-to-him-

wow, no that was a nice way to put it out there. so much for defending myself lol

ok so im kinda energetic - as in -my mood is- i am not, physically energetic though. i mean i just spent the last hour and a half in bed scrolling through my phone until my phone shut off cause it ran out of charge and only then i dragged myself slowly to the washroom to pee which i shouldve done 60 minutes ago. so yeah - very lazy

speaking of time. WTH is going on with this world? i feel like the number of seconds in one minute is a subject to small rise and falls like the world currencies! I mean seriously, i swear nowadays “1 minute” = “EIGHTY seconds” No Kidding!!!! It all started from after fajr today!!!!!

yeah so after fajr today, at first i kind of blanked out - as in - that rush, impatience and i dont even know how to describe it - kinda feeling i was telling? about missing him and all that? like i need some action something to happen and wow this is such an off season - so yeah i was kind of stuck in my chair,, just switching from one social media to another doing nothing literally other than idk - trying to fast forward life and hit play somewhere cool ugh ok

so then something happened and it cheered me up and i got on the treadmill as was planned. usually do 3 hours but i knew doing 3 now, including my tiny 3-5 min breaks every 30 mins would take too long

anyways ended up doing two hours at around 7 30 and then was too tired to take a shower so i just pulled a bed sheet from my closet and slept on the floor, cause no way im putting my stinky body to bed.

when i got up, prayed zuhr and YESSS i did the one hour i skipped in the morning and yeah well thats pretty much it for the day. i mean then i sat and ate and then went to the hosp came back, chilled and still chilling right now as im typing :)

oh something i said yesterday about how i wish life was full of action like in movies. like i just wish it was although i know its BS thats totally against how this life works. whats more surprising is how i actually wish for stupid stuff - i mean you know how on social media - one gets to present themselves the way they want. i mean you can be anything. happy sad widow married depressed gay - its like - its in your hands - how do you want to present yourself to the world mam? yeah you get my point? but like i lot of people fall for it. you look into others posts and you might wonder how their life is so wonderful and yours is not, how someones life is picture perfect and yours is not and BLABLABLA but Lol - i neverrrrr fell for that. pretty much cause i sugar coat my life too loool

Its actually funny - im actually laughing - anyways where im getting at with this is - i was thinking about it - i mean for someone like me who never fell for all the crap people put up on display on social media - i sure am one hell of a dreamer to ‘wish’ for a busy ‘movie-like’ all colorful life. But then again in my defense - those are real people and people are full of crap so yeah i dont fall for their shit but i mean a movie is a well organised script being played out - ofcourse you ‘wishing’ for something like it is acceptable yasss (whatever makes you sleep at night:3 )

Also i assure you my vocabulary aint that poor, i just seem to lose my words when im posting anything here. mostly cause i have no words - everything is so messy and twisty and complicated Ugh

Also its really weird that i feel like a days just passed by too fast this week. i mean i mustve slipped. i mean im like a human clock. lol i mean it. i mean when im not on vacation - and you ask me the time, anytime - my guesses are so close to accurate - like im aware of every second ticking by - now, im just saying im aware of it - that doesnt really mean i make the most out of time - but then i do know how precious it is, and i do feel like crap when im just shitting it away. and just randomly wasting time is one thing, but trust me when you are aware youre doing shit - ouch that burns!

so august is coming, and i was kind of planning on fasting - i mean i didnt fast in july cause i wanted to get used to working out and fasting would just be disturbing. but yeah now its almost august and i think i should fast - for like the whole month - yeah :) cause i barely fasted for i think 8 days this Ramadan i need to make all the rest of it up. AND THEN AFTER THAT, it is sunnah but not one im actually brave enough to do to be honest but but but i think i have no choice - i mean i think i have to fast like every monday or thursday every week - cause i have a lot and a lot of fasting to do to make up for ALLLLL the ones i missed my entire life and trust me thats quite a lot - not the normal amount any girl would miss - cause ive been having problems and so i had to skip a lot and stuff - and i never kept an exact count - well actually its impossible cause its been a problem for years but then i do have to admit that i never tried either - cause idk- i guess i kind of took it as - oh cmon its just fasting - i mean i think i missed around 20 roughly - so ill just fast 30 - thatll cover it up plus ill fast extra - which is a good thing and blabla all that random thoughts!

anyways i should now just focus on the 30 i wna fast for this year, in august but idk i have to come up with some legit plan where my work out schedule fits in perfectly too. both are important to me, and im not choosing one over the other, i dont want to and i dont have to inshaAllah

oh just a random thing - but i go for brands! Meaning, you know if something is sold by a really well known brand youd obviously expect it to have good quality and most of the time yes youre right. sometimes, nope! but then there are things which are not “branded” but the quality is amazing, and the price? well most of the time it is cheaper, but yeah i guess sometimes the price is almost similar - well the thing is - i am the type of person - whod want the brand name on PLUS the quality. like if there were 2 bags for example or two shoes, SAME quality, but one is cheaper ONLY cause it does not have a famous brand name on it - i am definitely the person whod pay wayyyy wayyy more for the branded one! - SO now you know the type of person i am :) :) :) :)

Lol im sure that kind of information is something a lot of people would use to judge someone :3 But then im not all so irrational loool - like thats definitely something that is “goals” for me! I mean, i am a medical student being financially supported by my dad right now and will be for atleast the next 3 years. ATLEAST! ATLEAST! ATLEAST!

SO yeah im not saying i cant afford branded products right now but i sure am not comfortable living a life of luxury at this phase of my life. I want to earn it. With my own sweat and energy. I want to tell myself that i deserve it. So yeah, thats the type of person i am but im not currently ‘practicing’ it like religion and one day IF i do, i know it will be something i earned and something Allah will not be unhappy with, because I am not planning to disappoint Him

Okay enough with that. i really dont need to talk about it as long as i know ill be alright inshaAllah

Oh something really interesting - so i REALLY REALLY need to smile. like NOT “smile more” but like “SMILE” for gods sake hahhaha. I mean idk - its like i hate people so much and idk i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me, and its not like i even care or want them to like me and thats exactly why im like all -pokerface-pokerface- but like cmooooon! if youre really talking to someone, something as simple as a short interaction in the hospital for example with the receptionist or pharmacist - i mean cmoon - just smile a little? i mean i REALLY need to work on it. cause if i am planning on being a doctor - OH PLEASE - smiling is part of the job OH WAKE UP LADYYY!!!!!!!

but like im not kidding - like i just said - i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me. and ofcourse its not true, i mean MOST people dont even know me. like in the hospital i went to today for example - whyd everyone hate me? :) i mean idk its just something i feel. its weird. but sheeeeeet. have to work on it. fake a smile honey :)

Okay and idk how wrong or right it is. but i thought of it and i dont feel like there is any harm to it. Like, id like to have the idea in my head that me and him, we love each other and we are meant to be together one day. inshaAllah. For which i always and always pray to Him and ask from Him. But as of right now, we are not together. but deep deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep and deeeeeeeeeeep’errr in my heart i keep telling myself that. We are.

now idk if its wrong, or right - but - i believe it is not making me do something which might anger my Lord. All what it does is calm my heart. a little. And so i guess its okay! At least for now, i cant let go of the idea. Not today <3 Tada, guess thats enough for today!

xox

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