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on-my-vigilante-sht · 2 days

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Amnesia

Levi Ackerman x Reader

Summary: When the Levi Squad goes out on a mission with a few rookies, accidents happen

Warnings: Angst, injuries, titans, fighting, jealousy, secret relationship

Work count: 3.9K

Masterlist

As the Levi squad moved through the training forests, their captain couldn’t take his eyes off the girl riding just ahead of him. He knew he should keep an eye on Eren, to see how he faired with the rest of the team but he couldn’t help it. He was painfully aware of the fact that a titan could pop out of the trees and snatch her from him in a second.

So as they continued on, his eyes continuously swept the terrain while also observing her.

Levi truly thought he would never meet someone he could love. Love wasn’t really a concept in the Underground. It was a dark place full of people just trying to survive. Love was nowhere near the top of anyone’s priority list. And when he joined the scouts it wasn’t as if he had time for anything resembling a relationship. Sure there had been fellow soldiers that he noticed had taken a liking to him but he always brushed them off, uninterested. But then Erwin introduced him to the second most recent addition to his squad. Y/N L/N.

He couldn’t quite explain it but his very sudden and unexplained infatuation with her but he had initially told Erwin, privately, that he wouldn’t add her to his team. Something about her made him irrational. She should never see combat, he decided. She was too good for all this bloodshed. But Erwin had insisted that he take her on a practice run so Levi complied. He was astonished by how well she worked with the team, never pushing herself to be in the position of glory but still managing to kill three Titans and assist with many more.

Eight months later here they were, creating an unstoppable duo along with the rest of the team. Of course, they had to keep their relationship a secret from everyone as she was Levi’s subordinate but they had managed so far.

Seeing as the sun was setting and the horses were beginning to tire, Levi called for his squad, along with Eren and a few other new scout members to set up camp in the trees for the night.

As they slowed their horses, Levi slowed his down so he was next to Y/N. “How are you feeling, soldier?” he asked, keeping his gaze up, looking for a good spot to rest for the night, trying not to show his care.

“Good, Captain. I could ride for another few hours,” she answered stiffly. Exactly like a good soldier.

Levi just nodded, proud of her stamina for some inexplicable reason. “I feared the horses would be of no use to us tomorrow if we did not stop.”

Y/N allowed herself a soft laugh. “Yes, I fear that too. Wise call, Captain.”

Levi suppressed a smile. “If you feel so well, soldier, you’ll be on watch tonight with me,” he said in a stern tone. As if to reprimand her. That caught the attention of a few of the other scouts as they began to prepare to set up camp in the trees but they all quickly averted their gazes as Levi turned to glare at them.

“Yes, sir,” Y/N agreed quietly.

As the group sat in the largest of the nearby trees, close together for warmth, Levi couldn’t help but glare over at one of the new scouts. Reiner. He was sat next to Y/N, a little too close for his liking. They were engaged in a conversation which didn’t normally bother Levi, he didn’t consider himself the jealous type. But every time she turned her attention away from Reiner to talk to someone else, it was like panic came over his expression as he desperately tried to get her attention back on him. But Levi knew that if he brought it up to her, she’d just dismiss it so he just sat and watched.

It wasn’t much longer before Reiner was pressed up against her, claiming he was cold. Levi sat across from them, staring menacingly whilst holding one of his blades. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t imagining threatening Reiner right now. He hated that he had to keep his relationship a secret. He wanted everyone in the whole damn army to know Y/N was taken. He knew Reiner, nor anyone else, would dare to even look at her if they knew she was dating Captain Levi.

He nearly said something about leaving her alone when Reiner suggested they sleep with each other for warmth that night. As Levi was seeing red and considering the implications of stabbing him right here, Y/N brushed him off. “I’m on watch with Captain Levi,” she informed him. With no hint of regret to lead him on.

Reiner visibly deflated but tried to smile through his disappointment. “M-maybe next time,” he tried to laugh off. Y/N just hummed in acknowledgment, looking to her boyfriend for help.

Levi looked up at the sky, determining that it was dark enough that he could reasonably call for them to go to sleep. “We have another long day tomorrow, get some sleep. L/N, you take first watch.”

“Yes, sir,” she obeyed eagerly, standing up from her spot next to Reiner so fast he nearly fell over.

She brushed past everyone as they began to settle down, jumping up to a higher branch with her ODM gear. Levi followed up after her, bringing his gear so he could set up a makeshift bed the same way the others were. She only spared a glance at him as she looked down at the others, making sure they were going to sleep. A few of them were already snoring, having learned early on to sleep when you can and because it had been a long day.

Levi settled where he knew he couldn’t be seen from below, beckoning Y/N to join him. Once she noticed him she complied, creeping closer to the trunk of the tree. Once she reached him, he extended his hand, which she took, drawing her to sit down, leaning against his chest while he leaned against the tree. “I didn’t like how he was talking to you or touching you,” he murmured, resting his chin on top of her head.

“I know,” she murmured back, “I didn’t like it either.”

“I wish everyone knew you were taken. Better yet, knew you were mine.” He pressed a soft kiss to her head.

“Captain Levi Ackerman, are you jealous?” she asked teasingly.

“Shut it,” he mumbled, eliciting a laugh from her.

“I wish people could know about us too,” she mused. “I’m worried about this training exercise,” she changed the subject. “Eren’s friends? They’re brand new scouts. They don’t have the instincts or skills for this team.”

“I know but we all start somewhere,” Levi rationalized, being surprisingly understanding. He usually drilled for perfection out of those he trained. Even if he knew he couldn’t expect perfection immediately he never let on. “I had questioned your ability to be on the team initially.”

“Yeah but I’m not an idiot,” Y/N giggled. “And you never gave me an inch of grace. I thought you hated me for the first few weeks I was on the team.”

“I was hard on you because I was worried for you. Look at you now, sharper than any other scout.”

“Even you?”

“Of course not,” Levi teased.

“You were that worried about me? When we had just met?”

Levi briefly deliberated with himself about how much he was willing to admit. “Something about you made me unreasonably protective over you. I was worried that you’d distract me so I told Erwin I wouldn’t take you but he insisted. That’s part of why I trained you so hard. So I could have peace of mind that you’re capable of taking care of yourself so I wouldn’t be distracted.”

“Did you do a good enough job?”

“I could never. I worry about you every time we leave the walls.”

“Well, so far, so good. I’m still here.”

“It better stay that way. Now get some sleep,” Levi insisted, brushing a strand of hair away from her forehead.

“But I have first watch?”

“You didn’t think I’d actually make you stay up? I just wanted an excuse to talk to you privately.”

“But when will you sleep? What will we do if our fearless leader is tired?”

Levi smiled at her teasing and worry. “I’ll wake you,” he swore, lying through his teeth.

“Unlikely,” she countered suspiciously. But Levi just hushed her, bidding her to sleep. He kept watch, looking towards the path they had come from for any wandering titans, moving around despite the lack of sunlight. Once he felt Y/N fully relax he allowed himself to observe her peaceful face. He always took these peaceful moments to check on her, ensuring there were no cuts or bruises, even if it was a simple paper cut. Finding none on her exposed skin, Levi held her tighter, continuing to observe her peaceful face and the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest.

As Levi sat in the quiet, stillness of the night, he let his mind wander. Would it really be such a big deal if people knew about them? It’s not like the Scouts could afford to lose soldiers. Then everyone would know Y/N was taken and people like Reiner would leave her alone.

The squad had been looking for Titans to practice with for about an hour. The experienced scouts were getting wary as the sun had been up for an hour, the Titans should be awake and moving.

Levi had allowed them all to slow to a trot so as to save the horses’ energy. “It’s too quiet,” Levi murmured to his second in command, Eld.

“It’s not as if the Titans have the cognitive ability to hide in the trees to gather their numbers and then attack us,” Eld rationalized.

Levi just hummed in agreement. “Still, it feels like something bad is coming.”

They continued on for a little while longer, mostly in silence due to the Levi Squad members being uneasy. Then suddenly a giant hand launched out from between the trees, scattering the scouts. A 10 meter titan with a horrifying grin emerged from the trees, eyeing the meal that had appeared right in front of him.

All the members of the Levi squad immediately deployed their ODM gear, jumping up into the trees to take the titan down as quickly as possible. Levi watched his team begin to surround and confuse the titan. Y/N was poised to go in for the kill. But as she launched herself at the thing’s nape, Reiner swung from out of nowhere, knocking into her.

The force of his body hitting hers disrupted her momentum and she went plummeting towards the ground. Fortunately, her ODM gear was lodged into a tree because it caught her. It completely knocked the wind out of her but it was better than hitting the ground from 15 meters up. But in her shock, she didn’t realize she was in prime grabbing range as a giant fist encompassed her body. The pressure was so great she could feel her ribs crack as her arms were pinned at her sides. In all her shock, terror, and pain she must have blacked out because the last thing she was was the titan’s grin.

Meanwhile, Levi had watched in horror as that idiot swung into her, saving himself by falling into the tree. Levi had a momentary sigh of relief seeing the ODM gear catch her rather than her falling to the ground, surely to her death. But as the titan’s fist appeared, Levi’s life flashed before his eyes. “No!” he heard himself yell. Full of fear and rage that any creature would dare hurt her.

He reacted as quickly as possible, the others still barely registering what was happening. He launched himself towards the titan, cutting at its wrist, forcing it to stop bringing Y/N closer to its mouth. He moved faster than lightning, swinging behind its neck to cut at its nape. Absolutely no mercy as he cut out its crucial chunk of flesh. But as the titan began to fall, Levi realized his mistake, seeing Y/N fall out of the titan’s grasp. Unable to save herself due to her unconscious and wounded state. Then, a flash moved to catch her. Upon landing safely on a branch, Levi nearly sobbed in relief seeing Eren standing there, Y/N safely in his arms.

Levi quickly launched himself over, not giving a damn about appearances as he took Y/N in his arms. He laid her as gently as possible on the branch of the tree, kneeling close to her in order to look for signs of life. He thanked whatever cruel deity was out there upon seeing her chest move up and down with labored breaths. But the sound of her breathing was horrifying. Each breath rattled out of her lungs, an indication of how badly she was wounded internally. “Wake up, Y/N come on,” Levi pleaded, holding her face. He thought that if she would just open her eyes she’d be okay. They could get her back to the wall where she’d receive medical attention. “Come on, you’re not going to die out here,” he insisted, as if he were bargaining with her.

“Captain…” Petra’s hesitant voice spoke up, “she’s not going to wake up here. We have to get back to the wall.”

“We don’t have a cart, she won’t make it on horseback,” Connie said.

“We’re not leaving a wounded soldier,” Levi spat, picking her up in his arms as gently as possible. “We ride straight back to the wall. No stopping. If you see a titan do not engage. Our mission now is to get our comrade back alive.”

It was a hard, long journey back. Levi had precariously balanced Y/N on his horse the entire way, only stopping to ensure she kept breathing. But they made it back in only a day. The doctors said that the swiftness of their journey saved her life. She would have drowned in her own blood had they not reached the wall in time.

When the doctors had taken her in, Levi had been left shaking in the center of the barely standing building that had been converted into a hospital. “They’ve got her,” Petra had assured him, dragging him out of the way. The entire squad had tried numerous times to get him to leave the hospital and lie down but Levi refused every time.

After a day of operating and then leaving her alone to heal for a while, the doctors finally let him see her. But not without warning. “She’s in critical condition,” they warned. “She flatlined on the table a few times, meaning her brain was deprived of oxygen for longer than is reasonably safe. She’s also still got a tube breathing for her. We had to repair her lungs and put her in a medically induced coma.” Levi said nothing as they walked down the hall, keeping his face expressionless despite the fear pounding in his heart. He could hardly breathe as they told him everything that was wrong with her. But once they reached the door, the doctor blocked his path for a second. “One last thing: the titan caused massive crush injuries meaning her neck and torso are mostly covered in bruises. I’m just trying to prepare you for what you’ll see.”

Levi just nodded in understanding, not even fully processing her words. As the door finally opened, revealing her fragile body, Levi let out a strangled noise from his throat as he tried not to cry in front of the doctor. He was grateful when she just closed the door behind her, leaving him alone with Y/N. Stepping over to the bed, he took a seat on the chair placed beside it. She looked so fragile he was afraid to touch her so he just sat and stared at her, willing her eyes to open.

But they never did. In the two weeks Levi spent sitting at Y/N’s side her eyes never opened. She never so much as twitched. The only reason he left was when Erwin threatened to discharge him from the Scouts. He almost accepted the discharge except for his team reminding him that they still had a war to win. And if he wasn’t out there protecting humanity, what was to stop a titan from just running through this hospital?

So Levi went back to work. In some ways, he was sloppy and distracted, like neglecting his paperwork. But he more than made up for it in his performance. He took down more Titans in the three months Y/N was asleep than in the few years he had spent as a scout. He had also bullied and beaten the current class of recruits into one of the finest classes yet. He had thrown himself into his work, killing every titan in his path. And when he couldn’t kill, he was taking out his rage on arrogant scouts and recruits alike.

“Is that all you got?” Levi asked Dassler. He was one of the recruits that would be graduating in a month. He was a big guy, someone who had won all of his sparring matches simply by being heavier and stronger than his classmates. But he was ill equipped to deal with Levi’s quick agility.

Dassler yelled in frustration, unable to get a grip on the captain. He lunged forward but Levi easily dodged him, swinging his foot down to pin Dassler’s neck on the ground with his boot. As the boy struggled, Levi heard the frantic breathing of Hange as she reached the training yard. “Captain!” she called through labored breathing. “It’s L/N! She’s- she’s awake,” she breathed.

Levi didn’t even process her words fully or let himself feel anything, he just took off running. He ran straight to the hospital, right past the nurses and doctors, and straight up to her room. As soon as he burst in the door, nurses were on him, trying to push him out of the room.

“Sir, you can’t be in here right now,” the insisted multiple times. But Levi wasn’t listening. He was looking over their shoulders frantically calling her name, begging for some sort of confirmation she was okay.

But she never so much as looked at him. He only realized what happened when he heard the doctor asking her questions with more concern ebbing into her voice each time. “Do you know your date of birth?” She shook her head no. “Do you know where you’re from?” Another shake. “Do you know what happened in Shigonshina?” No. “Do you know who he is?” the doctor asked, pointing at him as he continued to struggle with the nurses.

The moment between the doctor’s question and Y/N’s response was the longest moment of Levi’s life. Even the nurses stopped, eager to see if she remembered arguably the most important person in her life. Any deniability they had had about their relationship disappeared when Levi carried her back to the walls.

With another shake of her head, she denied knowing her boyfriend and Levi’s heart shattered. He let out an involuntary strangled cry before the nurses finally got him out of the room before slamming the door in his face.

All he could do was stare at the door in shocked disbelief. This had to have been some sort of weird side effect of the coma. It had to be temporary.

As he began to spiral, Hange showed up with the rest of the squad. “Captain!” she called excitedly from down the hall. But upon noticing his expression, she halted, stopping the rest of the squad behind her. “What happened?” she asked in a grave voice.

“She- she doesn’t remember anything,” he admitted, still staring at the door. He could faintly hear worried murmurs behind him but he didn’t care. He was still so wrapped up in trying to understand what just happened.

Beside him, Hange’s jaw dropped as she tried to process the news. “Oh Levi, I’m so sorry.”

It had been a week and Levi had yet to visit his girlfriend. Everyone on the squad had encouraged him to visit, going so far as to suggest that he could miraculously bring her memories back. But all he could see was her blank, confused expression as she shook her head at him. He didn’t think he could handle her giving him that blank expression again.

As he sat in his office, filling out paperwork when he heard a knock on the door. Looking up, he found Erwin standing in the doorway. “Levi,” he greeted, “you need to visit Y/N.”

Rather than tell Erwin to mind his own business, like he had told the rest of his squad, he just continued his work. “She doesn’t remember me. There’s nothing I can do for her.”

“You can be there for her. What will happen when she regains her memories but her boyfriend wasn’t there when she needed him?” Levi stopped writing but still didn’t look up. He was aware that everyone now knew about his relationship but he still didn’t want the commander throwing it in his face. “You haven’t stopped working ever since you came back. I don’t think you’ve left the office since she woke up. Go to her, that’s an order,” he said before turning on his heel and walking out.

Levi clenched his jaw, putting his pen down. With a reluctant sigh, he stood up, grabbing his cloak. He made his way outside, towards the hospital. As he went, more and more people took notice of him, murmuring and whispering as he passed but he just ignored it. He walked straight up to her room, only hesitating when he reached her door. He reached for the handle but stopped for a second. The memory of her confused expression flashed through his mind again and with it came all that initial pain. Shaking it off, he grasped the handle, finding his girlfriend sleeping peacefully.

Careful not to wake her, he went to her bedside. Tracing a finger over her hand, she didn’t stir. Levi smiled as he observed her peaceful expression. He missed her beautiful face more than he’d like to admit to anyone except her. With her peaceful expression, he could almost forget that godforsaken image of her lack of memory. “You don’t remember me now,” he whispered, “but you will someday. And I swear I will be by your side the entire time because I love you,” he promised her, sealing it with a brief kiss on her forehead.

Masterlist

#levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #levi #levi x reader #x reader #captain levi #captain levi x reader #attack on titan #attack on titan x reader #aot #aot x reader

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mar3ggiata · 18 hours

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professional help, c9. Reign of Terror.

simon riley x original character.

trigger warnings: violence, sexual assault, mentions of rape, trauma, sexual themes, swearing, use of alcohol and drugs.

song to listen to when reading this: Cool about it, boygenious

abstract: listen, I don't even want to hear it. yes, it's Simon. I told you already, I'm gathering intel during this part. don't think too hard about it, this doesn't mean anything. and yes, I think she was telling the truth. I follow my instincts and they only failed me once or twice…

When the routine settled back in, she felt like the Al-Jareena mission was a thing of the past. A week had gone by, she had no news about the mission. Or Arash. She was snapping her fingers following the rhythm of the music. 'And one, two, balancé!' She watched as the girls rehearsed in front of her, moving in pairs, one from each side of the room. They had been going on and on for an hour, the poor girls were exhausted. 'Okay, from here, piquè', she had been demonstrating everything, trying to remember her notes and the changes she had to make to the original choreography. Her blue leotard was sticking on her skin, she could feel sweat dripping down her back and in between her breasts. Her bun was starting to come untied, she kept fixing some shorter hair behind her ears. 'I don't want to see those stiff hands Jenny, please', she resumed, 'piquè, finish on your right leg. Sam and Gemma, you're going to go stage left with two saut de basque'. She stopped talking to demonstrate the jump, which was quite difficult, she had to admit. 'You finish on relevè, arms in fifth position, then repeat to the other side'. She was too old for all this activity, (Jude is delusional, she's 26). She had to catch her breath without letting the girls know she was getting tired. 'Then, Kyla, Cassie and Luna, same thing to the right as soon as the first two finish jumping, same thing to the left with group three.' She instructed and approached the mirrors in the front of the room. 'Let's see it, please'.

She packed her bag while the girls said bye to her. God, did she love being called 'Miss Alba'. She put on sweats, lifting them up over her legs without bothering to remove the pink tights she hated so much. She preferred black ones, they concealed stretch marks, cellulite… See, if the school was hers, she would let her ballerinas pick the colour they wanted. She could see during the lessons some of them were self conscious about their bodies, like she had been for years when she was younger. The way they looked at each other in the mirrors, like they were comparing themselves to the others. Some were thinner, some had bigger bums, bigger breasts, some had more muscle, some you could see their whole ribcage sticking out. School policy, black leotard and pink thighs. They were too young. But still, even Alba herself had some serious issues with her figure, demonstrating in front of everyone was challenging and took a tool on her mental health sometimes. She knew she was fit, don't get me wrong, she had worked fucking hard for years to get to where she was. Strong, lean quads, a good set of abs. She had followed every diet in the world, she learned so much about what foods not to eat, how to get the perfect body… How to be slim and toned and have fat in the right places. She gained back weight after the 'bad year' when she didn't work and decided she was not gonna feed herself anymore. Cooking was just too much back then, she spent hours going on walks with headphones in, on the verge of passing out. She was better now, she only had those thoughts every now and then. They were under control, she was healthy. Let me tell you, her legs, arms, her hips, a fucking work of art. Still, being watched by those young girls who probably spent way too much worrying about their weight and having to be the representation of perfection was daunting. Keep your abs thigh, your foot straight, your hips aligned. Hide how painful it is, hide the fact your calf is cramping and you're losing balance. A game of pretend.

When she got to work the next day, she was surprised to see a special someone waiting for her beside her door. No fucking way. She stopped in her tracks when he saw him, bag hanging from her shoulder, boots clicking on the floor. What are you doing here, how do you know this is my office? Did you ask around? Are you following me? She approached him and he took a step towards her. He had a blue jacket on, no skull mask today, simple black one. She could finally see his hair colour, dirty blonde. He needed a trim. 'Can I help you?' she said. Well well well. 'Not really' he replied, crossing his arms against his chest. He was tall, he was scarily tall. She had to tilt her head to look at him. That position made his arms look even bigger. She no problem admitting how good looking he was. 'Am I in trouble?' she asked tilting her head to the side. His mask moved slightly, but his eyes didn't exactly show a particular emotion. Was he smiling or about to punch her, she didn't know. She had always loved risks. 'You're not' he answered. He wasn't in the mood for jokes maybe. Noted.

She nodded and took a step towards the office door unlocking it and getting in, supposing he would follow. Being in there made her feel slightly more secure. It was a place where she normally had some authority. Not with him she didn't. He closed the door behind him as she put her bag on the desk. The office had two big windows which let in few shy rays of sunshine. She had a couch with a few pillows for the patients and a chair for her. She looked at him and indicated the couch, as to say 'sit'. He really didn't want to. He felt like a patient. He went to therapy before, he just didn't want to be her patient. He stood there in the middle of the room watching Jude take off her coat and hang it on the chair. She wore jeans today. Tight jeans and a jumper. He could see her boots clearer now, they were shiny and the tip of the shoe was round. They looked from the 80's. She had cream coloured socks. She looked younger dressed like that. She looked less professional and more… a civilian, a normal 23 year old girl. He had settled that was her age. Her hair loose, her casual outfit, she looked ready for a walk in the park. He wondered if she walked in the park with her dog. She looked like she had a normal job, like waitressing or maybe she was a painter or a student. She looked like she could go to the movies dressed like that, or play bowling. She looked like she was about to sit down, take her shoes off, get comfortable and tell him about her day, talk about nothing for hours without ever boring him.

She finally spoke, sitting down in her leather chair. 'Why are you here?' she asked, her hands on her thighs. 'You can sit if you want', she added. He still wouldn't move. 'I wanted to apologise for asking about last year, I realised it might be a sensitive topic'. His voice was low and soothing, his British accent heavy on every word. She didn't expect that. That was very considerate of him, the 6 foot soldier standing in the middle of her office like the representation of death that comes knocking at your door. What a strange thing to say man, did you hear stories? Did you hear your friends say I faked it? Cause I know they're saying it. 'Thanks', she said softly, a tone she had never used with him. She tried not to get triggered by his words, not to let her mind wonder back to the event he was referring to. She had to fight hard to not let her brain spiral, a fight against herself. She always seemed to lose. 'It's just something really bad, I don't like to think about it more than I already do', she explained. His eyes were fixated on her like she was a wild animal about to go extinct. He nodded and silence filled the room.

'How did the mission go?' She asked even if she already knew the answer. She was just making conversation. He didn't want to stay too much. He thought about seeing her, he thought about talking to her again and now that she was there, now that he purposely went to her office to talk, he wanted to run. 'Good. Good, yeah, thanks to you, actually'. He finally sat down. That was what patients saw then. The desk behind her, the windows and her, on the leather chair. He tried to imagine her during sessions. Her back straight, compassionate eyes, maybe a notebook on her lap. The window on her right illuminated only half of her face. Making her half an angel. She wasn't commenting on his answer, she squinted her eyes. 'Are you saying I was right and you were wrong?' she asked. Cheeky. She wasn't smiling, cause she knew she was right all along. 'I'm saying you got lucky.' She made him weak, his mouth was dry. 'So what are you gonna do next? I might get lucky again', she said. Could he tell her? She already knew so much. He decided he could share, vague answers only. 'We find where they took Khorram, we'll probably find Arash as well. We leave in a week.' She kept biting her lower lip, not in a provocative way. She was thinking. 'What did he do exactly? He's the one with that snake flag right?' she asked. She was informed. She had seen the flag she was referring to on the news and on social media. It was a green flag with a snake print, with red eyes. A symbol. 'The viper, yes. We've been following him for some time. Human trafficking, mainly.' Her expression was of disgust. 'He formed an army, he controls the main cities, he lets people starve, public executions…' he decided to stop there. She nodded, she got the gist. 'Makes sense…' she murmured. 'Reign of Terror kinda thing.' There was silence again between them.

'Reign…' he felt bad that he didn't know what she was talking about. He didn't have a degree. Jude had probably 4 or 5. But no, he wasn't that cultured. It made him feel small. Guns and war, he was the best. It was the second time he didn't know what she was talking about, she said something about a Little King or some shit. (It was the Little Price, the book). 'French Revolution, doesn't matter', she cut him off. Don't make me feel stupid Jude. He got up saying he better be going, she did too, she said 'of course'. She offered him her hand to shake. You're Italian, he decided. The hand gestures, the physical touch. Yes, to Simon shaking your hand twice was considered physical touch. She wasn't British, she was too polite and beautiful for it. How do you speak English so well then. What made you come here? What's your real name something Italian like Julia or Sarah? He reached for her hand, glad he was wearing gloves this time so he couldn't feel her skin. Less of her to think about. She looked at him, then looked down to their hands, still holding it. Her soft, caramel skin, with those dainty black nails against his skeleton printed gloves. She turned his hand so she could see the skeleton print and smiled, with her head tilted down. A smirk. She had dimples. Her eyelashes were almost touching her eyebrows. He let go of her hand and turned around, regretting he didn't wear his other mask. Would have hidden the fact that he was blushing.

notes: I was listening to 'cool about it' by boygenius when writing this. also, writing ballet is fucking hard… how do I describe the pain. also also, Jude's shoes are those chunky coquette Mary Jane shoes that you wear with socks.

notes: Julia and Sarah are not correct spellings of Italian names, more on the American side. makes sense Simon doesn't know how to spell the Italian versions. (they are Giulia and Sara). How are you guys doing, you all good? You guessed it I'm still taking my exams and working and being clinically insane and unbelievably tired.

love, mare.

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@warmedbythebody @katzykat @iristhemuse @azkza @keiraslayz @abbyandermine @jennyjencakes @dest-nai @corset-briefs @nutze-kekse @ilytsukiw @b3anspr0ut

@pondsblog @missyouzoe @fallenkitten @bigauthorrascalturkey @bethtay @angelynn-nicole @starluv @stargirlisworld @giyuuslittleslut @impossiblecupcakelight

@rkrivees-blog @ghosts-hoe @kam1snotverysmart @gauky76 @freyjaaasstuff @spicyspicyliving @scottpilgrimvsmyfists @courtney0-0 @shinchanboi @darling006 @my-therapist-hates-me

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odinsblog · 1 day

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Saying israel isnt related to judaism is antisemitc, brah. Bar none. Israel is the second word in our most important daily prayer and "next year in jerusalem" our annual call to action during the Zionist holoday of passover where we celebrate going HOME to ISRAEL 😱. if you keep listening to the small majority of self hating, white passing american jews on tumblr you're gonna keep being called antisemitic cause you are.

netanyahu and the right wingers suck. So do the arab colonizers whove refused peace since the un told the muslim occupiers they had to share their atolen land with native and returning diaspora jews

[re: this post]

OMG, anon is this really what you wake up for in the morning?

I want anyone reading this to note that anon had to create a strawman argument to attack me for something that I never said

It’s weak sauce, “brah”

This is how some people have to argue when they cannot actually defend their feeble, misguided, deadass wrong opinions

Show me where I ever said that “Israel isn’t related to Judaism,” and I’ll delete my blog

What I said was, “Jewish people are Jewish whether they're religious Jews who have been to a synagogue, or not. Non-religious, non-observant Jewish people are still Jewish people. Intentionally conflating ‘religious Jews’ with all Jewish people is antisemitic,” and then I said that “conflating Israel with all Jewish people is also antisemitic”

It’s all right there in the post, “brah”

And how tf are “Arab colonizers” and Muslims “occupying” a place where they’ve been living since forever? Do you think that Native Americans are also occupiers??

Please stop talking

You’re embarrassing yourself

Arab peoples are Semitic, as are Jewish people. Jon Stewart once touched upon this extremely salient point, and I haven’t forgotten about it ever since. BTW, he wasn’t on Tumblr when he said this (and neither was Seth Rogan), but EYE definitely brought it to tumblr

And I think it’s cute that you think I care what Zionists call me. Like, I haven’t ever been called antisemitic, but it wouldn’t carry much weight coming from Islamophobic, racist zealots who routinely call other Jewish people antisemites just because they disagree with them—the bulk of the students protesting at Columbia University are Jewish (many with direct ties to Israel, or descendants of Holocaust survivors), but I guess somehow their voices aren’t supposed to count, because they don’t agree with YOUR fuckery?

Pfft

Please STFU and don’t bother me again

But just for added clarity: This is not a “religious” war, this is about ethnic cleansing, illegal settlements and land grabs that Israel has been doing nonstop and continuously since 1948

In conclusion, anon you are full of shit and about to get blocked if you continue with dropping this bullshit in my inbox, because I refuse to debate every rando with a keyboard and an internet connection—maybe try Discord or find a subreddit for r/assholes?

But before I go, I’ll leave this video (the transcript is in the original post)

and a link to this post, where people who actually know what they’re talking about explain it far better than I ever could.

#anon #ask #answered #palestine #israel #weaponized antisemitism #weaponized zionism #weaponized identity politics #identity politics #idpol #anti zionism ≠ antisemitism #columbia university #student protests #campus protests

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eericross · 2 years

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Thinking about the drama I went thru on IG this week for animal crossing , It really caused me so much anxiety that I cried over. The situation makes me want to never have a platform again. It’s not like my page is popular, but personally being speculated to have hacked or stolen really bothers me. Even after it was CLEARED and clarified, I was still called a copycat and thief in a girls IG story and she said that I should accept the wrath of the creators friends because I used a code that I didn’t know was hacked or stolen is really wild. It’s a coincidence that I even came across these deigns in the portal. Idk I’m just venting but I felt very alienated for something that was beyond my fault or control

#acnh community #why do mean girls have platforms #imagine rightfully being the victim and being called a bully #i hate to keep talking about it but it still bothers me

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moregraceful · 10 days

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someone cold emailed me to ask if i was going to a writer's conference in los angeles and was putting together a panel or caucus for queer poets or if i knew anyone who was...buddy you are severely overestimating how much i network with other poets (i don't) and how often i attend writer's conferences (never) 😭

#''do you know of any other poets going'' no?? bc i hate networking with other poets????#LIKE ARE THEY LESS ANNOYING THAN WHEN I WAS 23? IDK? MAYBE?#i feel like most things these days are less annoying than when i was 23 #or maybe i'm just better equipped to deal with annoying things than when i was 23 #yesterday i was talking to someone about my ethos wrt a class i ran last fall and he stopped me in the middle and was like #you're amazing. that class was a hot mess and you still had fun and found the good in it #like no i'm not amazing. i'm just in my thirties and it takes a lot more than other people's mental health crises to throw me off my game #he was pretty ticked off in the fall when i told him the like depth of crisis multiple students were in bc he thought i should have told hi #i was like idk it did not occur to me to ask for help. he was like you're doing daily check ins to make sure your students are eating??#idk!! it didn't bother ME my job was just to make sure they were still alive! i mean my job was actually to teach liberation theology but #like i was not good at that. but i DO know how to be annoying until people feel less like killing themselves and more like killing me #anyway all that to say i can't wait to see how much less bothered i am in my 40s #i hope i have reached such a state of zen by age 50 that my spirit is unruffled by anything and anyone #i hope i float through life in a fine mist of okayness #someone says ''oh my god kasper my life is falling to pieces'' and i say ok 👍 we can get through this together👍#what was this post about??? oh right networking #good networking: librarians bc you just go ''is your manager batshit insane'' and they go THIS PLACE MAKES ME SUICIDAL #and then you're friends for life #bad networking: poets (when i was 23) because all they do is name drop (when i was 23) and expect you to have opinions (i don't)#this post is wildly overconfident in my zen considering i'm so bored of being unemployed that i keep looking at teamworkonline #bhawks are hiring for a social media manager btw. imagine having that kind of access to mr 🥺. i'd literally only do paid advertising #to gay men #i'm not applying bc social media management would actually break my sobriety i am pretty sure #but imagine having connor bedard at your disposal and being like ok kid. we r gonna catfish some gays into caring about the bhawks #basically what i do with the cuda blog lol #ok ok ok i'm done. posting. goodbye. livejournal mode de-activate #fresno oilers.txt

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lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar · 27 days

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Please BE EXCITED about stuff you like/ want to be excited about 💞 That's what life supposed to be about, finding joy in the smallest things, in the things we enjoy and love. And the people that judge us for having that joy in our hearts lose their own life, because they spend too much time judging someone else's life instead of doing something with their own. FUCK them

this is one of my favorite asks and i love you

#nobody will ever stop me from getting excited about things i like #i just always feel like i'm not allowed to share that excitement with anybody directly because of being made fun of in the past #or like i at least have to tone it down by like 99% and make it very brief #because of fear of rejection so i keep it to myself contained in my own space #sometimes i really wanna talk about my favorite things with somebody but i'm like #'nobody knows or cares about this. what if i send something and they hate it and tell me it's horrible'#(a reaction i've been the most used to. either that or just silence)#and i wouldn't know who would actually be interested or if i would be putting them in a situation #where they're not interested at all but they're too nice to say it and then i feel annoying if i keep talking about it #because now even if it isn't SAID that they hate it i still always feel like people are thinking that behind it all #so like if somebody came at me right now telling me everything i like is horrible #that itself wouldn't really bother me because i could just block and continue life without a second thought about that person specifically #because that's just unnecessary and rude regardless of what it's about and i would assume it's just somebody looking to stir things up #delete/block. not taking it personally and not worth thinking about #but it's the anxiety built up from it happening for so long and so consistently from so many people and some that i used to be close to #that now it feels to me that everybody feels that way even if i know LOGICALLY that it isn't true. the feeling is still there #it's one of the long-term effects that are so hard to get rid of once they're set #this is just another thing about myself to work on for probably my entire life #but russ has been helping me with so much lately it's unbelievable

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bayrut · 26 days

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I hate!!!!!!!!!!!! the way men dont listen

#im not joking every guy i know in my life will straight up make up facts about me #and then i correct them and they keep saying it???#Like harmless stuff but still #it just bothers me soooo much that they generally dont even care to listen when im talking vs i have every detailed about them engrained in #my brain.#i hate friends #because then it's like they act confident and are insistent that im lying or makng up stuff. Like no you are!!!

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dimiclaudeblaigan · 9 months

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Okay I don't do this normally but out of curiosity, I looked at that guys' posts and yeah they're going around sealioning anyone who likes Dimitri being all like "how can you say Dimitri/AM is your favorite when you didn't play all the routes". Buddy it's called having preferences, subjectivity and opinion. I'm sure if we twist their behavior around back at them, they'll be like stop bothering us for liking Edel cause double standards is their bread and butter.

Yeah, I had taken a brief scroll through their blog the first time I saw them argue with Random about Claude because I had a pretty strong feeling that they were just another stan running around around against Rhea and Dimitri fans because I knew that person didn't follow Random when they started pulling the bad faith Claude takes.

I scrolled through a few posts before I was like yeah I'm not even gonna bother looking further because I could see all they were doing was arguing with people whose names I recognized, and the only people who ever do that are the stans. They also have absolutely nothing else but discourse on their blog.

It's crazy to me too, because I've seen those same Dimitri fans try to talk about anything else FE related and yet they still get pulled back into discourse. Like, I'm at the point where I believe everyone in that immediate group is just actively being stalked by the stans (and I recall one of them mentioning they are being stalked by them, but my guess is if one of them is, all of them are).

Also, the stans tend to pull the "you didn't play xyz route" when I'm quite certain most if not all of the Dimitri fans on Tumblr have at the very bare minimum watched the full route on YouTube of anything they didn't play. All these people have the information they need to know where they stand opinion-wise, and like you said, it's just... having an opinion. The stans have their opinions, we don't agree with them, and we don't engage with them unless they engage with us first.

Something I've noticed about the group of Dimitri fans that gets stans going after them is that it's always the stans who start it. They always respond to asks sent to those people. In other words they go onto those people's blogs, look at their posts/their replies to their anons, and start arguing at them over literally anything they say in thsoe ask responses.

Every single time I see a post reach my dashboard from any of those people (you might know the Faerghus/Dimitri group I'm talking about), it's always a stan going after them when they were just answering one of their own anons and posting something on their own blog. I'm sure there are people who think they engage in discourse too much, but they don't even start it. They get harassed and can't just blog in peace.

Unfortunately those same stans have been targeting Random as of late (and I've noticed it's more and more different ones so they're probably going after someone as soon as they notice their buddies are doing so) so it's not that surprising that they've taken notice of me since she and I interact regularly. They basically go through the chain of who interacts with who and try to start shit.

Oh nonnie honey, you better believe if even a single Dimitri fan did to them what they do to us, they'd be all over that and whining about it and posting callouts and shit.

I just want to be able to post whatever my feelings are about Dimitri without worrying that people will try to tear it down because "it's not about Edel-chan and it portrays Dimitri in a good light".

I've blocked every Edelstan I've come across but more of them keep popping up, so... I guess the blocking never ends. My block list is basically just Edelstans and bots at this point with few exceptions.

Funny how the stans don't block Dimitri fans who hate Edelgard to avoid seeing them (it's because they don't actually want to, because they want to argue), even though we're all over here trying to block them, but some of them block evade to keep going. Literally like Dimitri fans have tried to block them and move on, but they persistently find ways to keep harassing. And like I said, they go down the line, so eventually they'll just find every active Dimitri lover who posts about him and whine at them.

#DCB Ask #it's fucking wild to me how many times the same people have tried to block and move on and avoid these people #and how many times they've tried to talk about anything else or whatever they want in their own space #but the stans keep coming back and bothering them #there are even people whose favorite isn't Dimitri but they've ended up hating Edelgard because of the stans #and are wary of discourse bc of them. and like... their favorites aren't part of the general discourse much if at all #but they still hate Edelgard bc they just don't like HER but her stans made them despise the sight of her #it's tiring stressful and pathetic tbh. maybe I'll just like. write an analysis about a character I love #from another game so I can write about something fun and that I love and try to help #convince people in a happy positive way that he's GooD. bc like if you want someone to like your faves #the best way to change their mind is to have fun and talk in detail without discourse about them #if you're talking about them in a good way and explaining the depths of the character #and people can tell you're passionate about the character then they're way more likely to walk in open minded #than if you come at them insulting them and bitching at them for who they DO like or for not liking your fave #when ppl get interested in Dimitri and want to hear from me why I like him and stuff #I tell them all the great things about him that I love and gush about him. I don't start going #AND EDELGARD -INSERT EVERYTHING I HATE ABOUT HER- AND THAT'S WHY I LOVE DIMITRI #and I don't include why I hate Edelgard when ppl ask why I love Dimitri. I tell them why I love Dimitri and am happy to talk abt it #I LOVE getting ppl to enjoy my faves and sometimes it works! and that's bc they enjoy the vibe they get #when I'm talking abt my faves. they like seeing the passion and interest and positivity #I do this with my faves in another franchise all the time with an entire group of side characters who are sides but #also very plot important and it always makes people see them in a different light and appreciate them more

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the-fandom-connection · 2 years

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Plagued by the horrors (shows I’m deeply invested in that are mostly really good but make deeply disappointing writing choices near the end)

#this is about wwdits s4 and also turn a gundam which I know is like 20 years old but my sibling and I have been watching it and #finished it today and aggggghhhhhhh #this is always fucking how it is #I deeply love a show. it’s not perfect but it’s compelling and well-written enough in the good parts to pull it through.#the finale writing choices literally keep me up at night thinking how I could fix them but can’t.#same with ds9. man I just……..#I cannot abide by them leaving sisko in the wormhole. that’s fucked up. Julian should have gone to cardassia. it would have been full circle #‘frontier medicine’ but having learned not to be a colonizer about it. odo and Kira are both gay like so gay and they NEED to realize it to #reach their character arcs’ conclusions. thinking about quark just makes me so SAD. EZRI DOESN’T EVEN GET TO BE HER OWN PERSON. SHE’S A #YOUNG WOMAN WHO NEVER WOULD HAVE CHOSEN THIS LIFE FOR HERSELF BOUNCED BETWEEN TWO MEN LIVING IN THE ECHO OF A PAST SELF #BOTH HERSELF AND TOTALLY ALIEN TO HER. AND WITH NO SISKO TO GUIDE HER :(#garak’s fate is pretty perfect but it’s also the epitome of ‘careful what u wish for’#and he’s all ALONE out there.#god. JAKE. JAKE AND CASSIDY!!!#and worf’s relationship with his son was butchered for no good goddamn reason.#ok hold on I’m still rlly upset about wwdits and turn a gundam. I didn’t mean for that to turn into a ds9 rant.#sometimes it’s easier to talk about something that’s not as fresh..#I hate to even think about it but bbc m*rain was the first one that really killed me with wasted potential as a kid.#and as horribly embarrassing as it is to admit it himym. I read 100ks of words of fix-it. dark times lol.#why does this happen. why does it bother me. why don’t I just start watching movies I know the end to instead lol.. fr

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if-loki-was-a-fox · 8 months

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Hhhhhh why does it always have to take me six hours to transition into doing anything it's so frustrating I just wanna write that fanfic NOW or take the shower NOW or get out of bed NOW I don't want to spend half the day hyping myself up for it >:|

#vent #<- but not a truama dumping vent or anything #just frustrated with... executive dysfunction? I think that's what this is #idk im not diagnosed I haven't talked to any professionals or ND folks all I know comes from the internet #(namely youtube and instagram shorts/reels)#just me rambling #like legitimately the not being able to shower unless I hype myself up for three and a half days thing is so frustrating #esp when combined with the brain fart of “welp! did my shower don't have to worry about that anymore:)”#*continues not to worry about it for half a week and suddenly needs a shower again*#only exaggerating a little. I do struggle to get even weekly showers done sometimes #like I manage to scrape by but it's not easy for me #fully hate being undiagnosed thank you very much #and since the tone of this is probably kinda heavy/angry: don't worry about me or anything I'm currently happy and doing alright in my life #just wanted to vent a bit bc this is one thing that does bother me still #and it does kinda lead into other issues when life gets busier #like nlt being able to keep up with homework #but I'm good for now! I'm doing well :)#anyways. yes. sorry 'bout the ranting and rambling #gonna go do something fun now bye!

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pochapal · 1 year

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email sending had a bad outcome gonna need 1 million business days to recover

#:)#too overenthusiastic in sending over material and now i'm in no contact jail until october (when the course actually starts)#i tried to be the prettiest and most special student and i just ended up looking like an annoying entitled tryhard. spiralling about it btw #it wasn't even a bad reply it was just 'we can't technically talk to you about anything until october but you're on the right track'#and it still burns!! because i should have known better than to bother these people with this inflated self importance #pochapal booboo the fool arc you hate to see it #anyway i'm gonna shake cry throw up for a few hours then keep going on umineko because my writeups don't make me feel bad at least

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chiisana-lion · 1 year

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#dunno what caused this but ive just been getting really scared and stupidly worried lately #sometimes i think about how i could lose someone at any moment and i might not even know #just stuck there waiting for some kind of answer for someone who wont and cant come back #and it really. terrifies me #my friends are everyhing to me and i just want them all to be okay always #and especially my best friend. if anything were to happen to him i really dont know what i'd do #i tell him and everyone else how much i love them all the time every time i can because what if they were to disappear and leave one day #and we didnt really leave off on a good note #not like i think that might happen anytime soon but just. what if #i love my friends. so much. i cant even put into words how much they mean to me and how theyve helped me get through this hell ive been #going through these past couple of years or so #maybe im annoying and talkative and sensitive and stuff. but the fact thwy still somehow like me the same is really #dunno man in elementary & middle school i lived shamelessly and yet im sure that for every friend i had there was like 5 kids who hated me #and towards high school i essentially was constantly on edge making sure i dont cause trouble for anyone because hey why should i bother #when none of them would really see me for me. just that quiet kid who draws in the corner and doesnt particularly fit in #the novelty of having a new kid transfer in lasted for like a month tops that time when everyone realized i was actually boring as hell #not into celebrities dont listen to mainstream music not interested in guy talk etc etc #i did meet a couple kids with similar interests at some point but im sure they were more casual fans and not absolutely obsessed as i am #and i feel like my sudden energy when talking about it and running my mouth w that topic kinda put them off #so i just. keep everything to myself #so really finding people who actually do like me and enjoy my rambles and i can hwar then ramble in return #and play games or talk abt our silly blorbos with is just. damn this is way more than i deserve isnt it #and i really feel like that could all just. fall apart at some point #and thats the last thing i want #but honestly #i dont mind if they grew to hate me. ill still love them nonetheless. just please dont leave me behind i cant go through that again #might delete this later im just kind of. yeah #sorry to anyone who reads this im kind of going through it

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noxtivagus · 2 years

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SHADOWBRINGERS.... listening to the song again n oh god i love the lyrics so so much we r ignoring the fact that i have to wake up in like less than 4 hours

#🌙.vent #i just have 1 assignment due tmrrw n i don't want to do it :') like yeah i'm definitely still going to but. it's a letter to ourselves....#i write a lot to myself that is very much evident but it's so hard to actually organize it. & fuck too bcs it's due 10 pm later today #i hate doing things for the sake of academics. says me w my grades lmfao but despite how well i manage i really do hate the school system #i wanted to ramble abt ffxiv oh no i get so distracted when i start writing. but. god my mind rn i don't understand #🥹 this stupid mental block ???? w the break nearly ending there's sm more i have to do but i need to sleep . but not having this started is #messing me up sm rn. i want to put a lot of effort into it but i'm at a loss for words. i wrote some ideas days back but i've changed a bit #this moment ideally right now where i'm in a better mood than i have been for the past few days but not as brain empty #a balance of fiction and reality. enough to keep me not sad but enough to keep me stressed?#i would like to get it started now. i know i want to. but i can't. i just can't seem to. it's not lack of motivation right now. it's.#....maybe a fear? a fear that gives me some sort of mental block. because i really really want to at least start writing something but #i can't start. & goddamn this is not what i meant to write about i wanted to write of shadowbringers & maybe a little of today #but i guess this just has been. bothering me for a while. buried somewhere in my mind #i've been this age for like. more than a week now huh. it's daunting it's scary but i've always loved & sought the thrill of challenges. bu #alright i wasn't able to read anything i wanted to. nor did i watch as much as i would've liked. & i didn't really bond with my friends #save for texts here n then. talking in ffxiv w that one too. & that very one call on bday yh. & tumblr too ofc c: but i didn't do the schoo #stuff i wanted to do this break. but my rank in pjsekai's lowering. nor playing arknights/nier again yet. & fixing my sleep. but....#i didn't wake up any later than 4 pm. i went out for a walk earlier with apollo. i wrote asks to a friend here on tumblr. new books.#new game. plans to make an fc in ffxiv. i ate what i could. i got up even when it hurt. i'm playing gbf again. i'm rlly happy abt that #perhaps it's not enough for me. i can't get rid of my heavy regrets so easily. but acknowledging what i have done that was good enough #trying my best to be kind to myself in this moment even though i feel like crying. acknowledging my pain. maybe. maybe that's #i'm listening to ashes of dreams rn fuck i'm actually going to cry i think bulbel is next in my queue i #it hurts yes n i feel like crying right now but there's. this ache in my chest that replaced the cold emptiness earlier #maybe that's not a good thing uhh but the warmth. that warmth. i'm alive i'm real n there's a tomorrow n that's enough hope #it has to be. it fucking has to be. just. little steps. guide my own self slowly n softly like i do for others. i deserve that too.#i'll give it to myself. surely i must owe myself at least that much. being human comes with its many burdens but i don't need to be #so harsh to myself right? ironic saying that right now while i know there's something so dear to me i'm denying right now #it's like i'm a wilting flower fighting against time to stay alive. but the petals slowly decay n it gets colder the longer the dark night #would an outside light help the blossom find its own light? or would it make it disappear. i wonder #did the flower grow to be meant to be undeserving of such kindness? or are there thorns on its petals that serve as an unbeknownst barrier?

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vaguenotions · 1 day

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Oh, yes, I just love your unannounced sleepover where you both come back from the bar after carefully avoiding telling me that's where you were going, and also neglecting to tell me when you'd be home! I definitely do not want to knock you on your ass and take a bat to your dome! That would be rude and unnecessary :)

Oh yes, please do start talking about shit amongst yourselves and make me feel isolated and othered in ny own room! These moments are what I live for, of course. Naturally. Who would ever have any issues with this arrangement at all?

#txt #might delete this later but i also might not because my irritation and rage is real and i shouldnt have to so constantly discard it #i am so tired of constantly putting it aside #i want your blood in my fucking teeth. and it's your fault i want it there- certainly- because I TRY. I try so hard not to feel this way #but eventually you get tired of those little games too #okay I drafted this for a minute bc idk if this fucker is actually spending the night or not i just know he took off his belt. BUT THEN ONE #+ OF THESE FUCKERS DECIDED TO START TALKING ABOUT SPIDERS. A THING THAT I HAVE A VERY BAD PHOBIA ABOUT. I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU #thinking of killing and maiming and maiming and killing and killing and shredding and tearing and killing and-#seriously though what. the fuck. you even go ''oh they're not gonna like this'' THEN HOW ABOUT YOU DONT FUCKING SAY IT #ohh and now you're sitting here making plans for when you go out without me next! I'm going to make you a bloody smear on my fucking floor #i am going to Dissect you. I'm going to rip you apart and feed you to the local strays and csrrion birds.#not even getting up and leaving right fucking now would assuage me. i wish i wasn't so full of fucking hate but you just keep adding fuel +#+to the fire #im so tired. I'll come back with a ''im fine now'' if he fucking leaves but im going to seethe now. im so fucking angry.#how do you fucks continually just bounce between the topics that makes me feel Most Violent Towards You? literally how do you not realize i #+ want you dead at this point? how do you not realize the grave you've dug for yourselves in my mind?#i dont fucking mask it that well. i know i dont. and still you fucking do this #((part of why it being a bar specifically that bothers me besides the very deliberate and careful avoidance of mentioning it to me is that #+*one of you is at serious risk for becoming an alcoholic. why the fuck are you being enabled this way?*))#((if i was dating someone with a genetic predisposition of alcoholism i would make your regular dates nights- idk- NOT THE FUCKING BAR +#+ DISTRICT. DO YOU EVEN FUCKING CARE ABOUT THEM? DO YOU? This fucking boils my god damn blood.))#(ultimately its their decision if they want to fucking drink yeah sure whatever YOU DONT NEED TO REGULARLY AND READILY ENABLE IT. BASTARD.)#(If they want to drink so fucking bad- if they push for the bars- JUST BUY SOME ALCOHOL AND BRING IT FUCKING HERE. It limits how much they+#+can have for one- and it would isolate me from you two less! just as an added fucking bonus! but no very unreasonable of me. what was i +#+thinking? clearly not about them 🙄)#i might be a little out of line here. i can admit that. but if anyone spent a week in my fucking shoes back when they first got together +#+and then now? you would fucking understand.#and they just. keep. talking. to eachother. no attempts to include me. not even glances my way. like always.#''oh nothing will change'' IT FUCKING CHANGED. I want to hurt you so bsdly for that lie with ever passing day. do you even know it was a li #do you? anyway was abt to post this and noticed a gif i have of a woman ripping her shirt off so im going to stare at that until im calm ig.

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alchemiclee · 1 month

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as a fellow introvert; we are social creatures. introverts who purposefully see no one for months on end are usually just in a cycle where its been so long since they’ve hung out that it’s too intimidating for them to do anymore. i 100% feel tired after hanging out with my friends but i DO also feel happy and refreshed! tl;dr - you’re super normal lol. try to reach out to a couple people just to chat this week <3

thanks for reaching out I really appreciate it❤️ but I have to rant a bit. I allow you to ignore it!

I wish to not be a social creature because going too long without having a friend to talk to or not having someone to talk with almost daily feels bad and it's so hard to have a friend when I need one D:

i've been reaching out to people for the last few weeks or so but they don't reach back. try playing games with people but they play with their other friends or dont feel like playing. invite people to hang out but they say maybe and never give an answer or don't respond.

I don't want to bother my closest friends in our group chat too much in our group chat but the chat is mostly me sending messages with no response and even couple times saying I need a friend when I was having bad days but they didn't want to chat and I dont want to force anyone to entertain my lonely depressed ass. (especially when all I really needed was to talk about the new star rail stuff to distract me but I don't think they've finished it yet so I don't want to spoil) they live together so they always have to socialize and probably make each other tired without needing to add me to it.

so i've also been trying to reach out to new people, like joining twitch chats again for the first time in years. but that never goes well and doesn't satisfy my social needs. too many people talking at once and being the new person no one cares about and all....getting to know a new is very exhausting. but it's so hard to just be able to skip all that getting to know each other stuff jump straight into talking about a thing we both like (in this case it's star rail and cosplay and maybe art) I don't have enough already-known people to reach out to and i'm too tired to do the small talk dance until it's appropriate to jump into special interest territory. being autistic is so exhausting. I with to be one of those rare autistics I sometimes hear about that have 0 interest in social interaction at all

so as you can see, i'm trying. so hard. to the point I'm exhausting myself. it's been too much work for no payoff and makes things feel worse when the outcome isn't what I need and its constant reaching with no one grabbing my hand back. so I keep making annoying tumblr posts about it. i'm so sorry to anyone that reads my nonsense 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 this is a normal thing with me but it's usually kept to my other blog that's reserved for more serious posts like this but I tried posting here as a way to "reach out" and see if it invites any friendly friends or something but I don't think i'm doing it right...

(but I am going to a con tomorrow with someone I haven't talked to in like 2 years. but we don't have anything in common anymore so theres not much to talk about. he's the only person who responded to me after trying to reach out for like a month but I fear it will only exhaust me being around too many people and not help this gross need to have a deeper connecting socialization D:)

#i dont know how to ask for attention without asking for attention because attention seeking is bad and annoying #the more needy and annoying you come off the more people will ignore you. saying i need someone to talk to or hang out with gets me ignored #but being vague gets me also ignored???? like just trying to start a convo by throwing things out randomly doesnt work either #so if i cant be direct or indirect or invite people or ask to be invited or anything else ive tried ehst do i do?#how do i satisfy this stupid social need im cursed with? it takes me a month or 3 to recover from socializing so its not like i always ask #but its still too much. and “you need to find the right people” isnt helpful. because how!!! ive been looking for that for 30 years lmao #i just need someone to invite me and always invite me every time and always reach out first every time (well not every time. just dont make #me be the one every time because thats how it usually seems to go)#but no one wants to do the work and tell me when its ok to bother them. if i bother someone too many times in a row and get no response #then i will stop and wait. and wait. and wait. and give up eventually. or after certain amount of rejections i give up.#so that i dont come off as needy and attention seeking and obnoxious. if people want me they can come to me. and when no one does #that just feels bad. i hate that it feels bad. i wish to make that stop. i wish to turn off feelings.#i cannot figure out the line between bothering someone too much or just enough. how much am i required to push people #and how much is too much where i snap the line while trying to reel them in? because ive snapped more times than ive caught #or the bait just gets completely ignored and i get bored of waiting #oops im slipping into metaphor territory now. that means its time to stop saying words.#hopefully no one reads my annoying tags. i just needed a free space to ramble and vent amd tags are lile little whispers to do that in #but also it is autism acceptance month. people should be adopting a local autistic(me) person to show them what having friends is like #lee rants #im being super particular about how i need to socialize right now as well. dont want trauma bonding/life talks/depression sharing type stuff #only want special interest light hearted goofy fun talks. but those are so hard to do. its easy for people to default into doom conversation #but its hard to keep them on my topic of interest and to stay positive 😭

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