#i hardly live up to my own
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well that was awkward
#rant in tags#i coulda sworn i told my mom i didn’t wanna go to college#apparently not#she didn’t go tho so why was she so weird about it#and my brother “oh they’ve always been inconsistent about what they wanna do with their life#like yeah#and i know im young#but can’t yall just be supportive#i just wanna get a job and publish stories#i have dreams#i have things i wanna do with my life#why would i go to college and waste my energy and MONEY#on a degree i’m probably not going to use!!#i would rather save my money to move out and write and care for myself#i just don’t think college would benefit me#my mom of all people should understand that#sorry i’m not successful like my brother is#sorry i’m not winning awards and being an adult#sorry i don’t live up to anyone’s FUCKING standards#i hardly live up to my own#i just want a future where i’m happy#and i guess academic and creative success and achievements are the only way ill have any sort of life#sorry i’m not a top student#sorry i’m not a perfect writer#sorry i’m not good enough#vent#char’s diary
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Did you hear? Texas just banned porn.
Did you hear the "offensive to minors" content bill that stipulated an age verification to access adult content or content deemed harmful or offensive to minors was passed??? Now you have to verify your age to view such content, which can be used to restrict minor access to LGBT resources, sexual health information, and anything else the government deems "offensive or harmful."
And also in a SHOCKING turn of events, Pornhub made itself and its two subsidiary companies unavailable in Texas, calling the bill haphazard and ineffective in protecting minors and actually harmful because it forces minors to interact with potentially harmful sites and denies access to other potentially useful sites. They also said it's an invasion of privacy and a violation of 1st amendment rights.
In order to access adult content in Texas now, it would need to be done by inputting your government ID numbers to prove you're an adult (and allowing the government to know what sites you're accessing, further watchdog activity) OR verify using 3rd party systems (by verifying your debts, student loans, education, job status, tax information, mortgage information to verify you're an adult), which opens the door for information to be sold to other third parties and can potentially expose all of your private life to outsiders.
Putting aside the porn thing, not out of a sense of moral righteousness, but because that is a whole different can of worms to dissect the way banning porn is awful for everyone. Putting that aside, how is this going to affect teens, children, closeted people?
To have zero access to LGBT resources that will be deemed offensive to minors? Goodbye Trevor Project. Goodbye resources on sexual health, what STDs are, and everything of the like. STDs and STIs will increase, health complications from such issues and from potential pregnancy complications (how do you have safe sex if you're not even sure what that means?).
Banning information will not guarantee people stop looking for it or needing it! Instead, they will get WRONG information from friends and other potentially misleading sources, and feel helpless when they have no way to figure out what is going on in their lives. People don't stop needing information because they can't find it. They just suffer because they can't find it.
You may not like Texas, but PLEASE, for the love of God, there are children here. They need your help. Don't turn your back on us. Don't forget the way you learned about sexual health online when your school wouldn't talk about it, or the way you watched that first porn and said, "fuck, I think I'm gay." Cast your gaze towards Texas! I'm begging you to have a little heart.
#texas#age verification law#texas legislation#legislation#jay jabbers#united states legislation#united states#i hardly ever make my own posts that aren't silly little guy posts but. i mean come on#i live here. how can i not#and how can i exist knowing my cousin who has not even considered the fact that he is gay despite being very obviously gay#how can i exist knowing he wont look something up and do a spit take and say FUCK . especially considering his conservative christian elder
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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ok constantine would sooner strangle me than be compared to roderick usher, but "the gates are always open but that doesn't mean you answer the phone" feels very close to how he operates with his friends and allies. you can always come to him for help, but it won't necessarily be the help you wanted. eventually people learn to just stop calling, because the silence is better than the disappointment.
#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#burrowing up from the dirt like a mole to present my most recent house of usher rewatch to the dash#i mean it doesn't help that he hardly ever uses his cell phone#unless it's Urgent you'll have to hunt him down in the streets of london in person to get a conversation out of him#but the general principle is what i mean#there's a reason so many of his living friends/allies/acquaintances just go 'oh. it's you.' when he shows up#tho tbh a lot of the time people come to him so he can spare them the consequences of their own actions and he just. doesn't#and then they get righteously pissed about it. so there's that to consider too#idk either way i love his annoying ass#i may be in academic hell but lord this hyperfixation of mine will ride if i give it some gas#( headcanons. ) I'M JUST LIKE THE BASTARDS I'VE HATED ALL ME LIFE.
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And then I finally end it off with some doodles of them… they make me feel things.
#ringmaster doodles#sona art#( they’re very much the theme of. love in the face of the neverending march of time. )#( being immortal and knowing you will outlive the man you love because someone else deemed he unworthy of eternal life. )#( he may still have tens of thousands of years left. sure. but you know that those will go by and he’ll disappear in the blink of an eye. )#( and you’ll sit there on his death bed. wondering why did things end up like this? )#( wondering what you did wrong. and if you could have done something different. you’ll always ask yourself. )#( if he lives a life of happiness and comfort or did he live a life as gruesome and miserable as the wars on earth? but you won’t know. )#( and the more you think about it. the more you realize it. how nihilistic he was. and how he never seemed to smile even in the good times.#he always seemed to have a frown or a scowl on his face. he always seems bothered and unhappy. )#( so you wonder if it was something you did. because you know you aren’t perfect. you’re hardly good. )#( you wonder if he’s mad at you. maybe he was. but he doesn’t have the heart to stay mad. )#( and that’s love in the face of adversity. knowing that no matter how bad it gets. he loves you as you love him. )#( and you wonder why he never smiles. because he truly never does. and so you ask him. honest and true. )#( and he tells you there isn’t anything worth smiling for. nothing in this whole world. )#( but he smiles at you. it’s always small. and it’s always brief. )#( but that smile. that smile means love. )#( that hug. as flimsy as it may be. that hug means love. )#( of course. he isn’t affectionate. if anything. he detests it. he hates physical contact of any kind. you’ve noticed. )#( which is a shame. you love your hugs and your kisses and your hand holding. )#( but even if he doesn’t like it. he lets you do it. because it makes you happy. )#( and you learn that when you’re happy. he’s a little less miserable. )#( of course. not all love is equal. and not all love is fair. )#( the love from a lover and the love from the father can never equate to one another. )#( no one will love you in the same way a father or mother loves you. in the same manner. no one will ever love you the way I do. )#( because my love will remain with you. long after I disappear. )#( and as bitter as the idea of my own existence coming to an end is. knowing I did all of this for. essentially nothing. )#( that I’ve gone through all this pain and suffering and hardship just for it to all amount to nothing. for it to be fucking useless to try.#I get to die knowing that you’ll always love and be loved. and that’s enough for me… )#( … maybe there is something worth smiling for after all. )
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avoiding talking to my fp about feelings by ignoring them again peace and love on planet earth
#vent post#sorry i just#' let me be selfish this once ' i . always try#i dont know how to convince her that im not leaving#anytime i express happiness that fp2 talked to me ( which ties into a fear that i have about fps not speaking to me for days at a time )#( thanks jay )#he gets upset and immediately thinks ive just . replaced her as someone special in my life#when honestly at this point i dont think i could ever live without him ? really ??#i dont know what i can do to finally make her realize that no matter what im literally still always talking to him at the end of the day#even when we fight even if someone else had my attention even when i have a partner thats not him#i dont know what to do and its scary and people are so terrifying i dont want her upset over me time and time again#he really needs to find a new fp or just try not to care about me so much because 1 ) im not something that should be cared about in the -#- first place and 2 ) i clearly just keep directly upsetting her over and over so im not good for him whatsoever#even if im not doing it on purpose he splits directly because of me and when i split at her its because ive let things stack up without -#- handling them for too long so its more like misdirected rage because im such a high strung person#i dunno man im just#one of my fps hardly talks to me and the other is too attached to me im stuck in a hell of my own creation#might call the crisis line again its such a time#man i so totally really love december nothing bad EVER happens in december !!!!
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This evening is just a mood in itself. Discovering a really strange and amazing thing about myself. My parents arguing in the background, with the tv blaring some football game. Just sitting in my room zoning out with this new revelation, realizing I have to go to work tomorrow, and soothing myself by eating half a bag of chocolates. Today just seems adjacent to the actual timeline, if that makes sense.
#it's hardly even supper time and i'm about to fall asleep#but when it comes time for bed watch me stay up daydreaming#nothings wrong though#just a bunch of odd things happening all at once#also just deciding to mind my own business#no need to listen in on the argument#no need to listen in on my coworkers gossiping#but also like how is this life real#i have such a groundbreaking self revelation that totally changes things#and i have to just go to work tomorrow#we're also supposed to get some rough weather tomorrow#and i'm just expected to get out and drive in it when i don't even get paid enough to live on#why can't i just have some job i put my hours in and leave at the office#and never have to think about at home#and how i long to live in a walkable community so i have access to all my free time#and just the wonderful feeling of baking something fresh in the morning#and taking it and a cup of locally roasted coffee out on the front porch with a book#no worrying about shitty coworkers or the state of the world or family drama#and being free to love#personal
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”Have you seen my pants?”
“You mean the ugly ones? I packed them last night, why’re you looking for them?”
Mike pouts before he can think, and simply just stands there. “I was in a war.”
“With the… pants?”
“Yes. It was taunting me.”
“The pants?”
“Yes. The pants.”
The party have a fun time doing youtube, until some stuff goes wrong and suddenly Mike’s life is falling apart. Kind of.
#PELA SE READ THIS OH MY GO D. OH MY GOD? OH MY GOD#THAT WAS SO GOOD WTF ...................... GRABBING THIS FIC AND STARING DIRECTLY AT IT#I LOVE U FI C.........#PERFECT CHARACTERIZATION PERFECT PARTY DYNAMIC PERFECT WILL-AND-MIKE I LOV EVERYTHIGN . I LOVE U 'I LOVE YOU (ONLY OFF CAMERA)'#god. laying down on the ground hands clasped over my stomach staring at the ceiling tears streaming down my face oh ym god.#i need to live in this au i need to crawl through the screen its so perfect i can hardly stand it oh my go d.#screaming crying biting thrashing ripping my own beating heart from my chest etc etc tht was straight up serotonin dopamine etc etc#fic
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Y’know sometimes I feel like I can’t like anything anymore for various reasons because there’s always something very wrong about the creator or whatever it is in general so much so that it’s hard for me to give an example because there’s just so many things wrong with something I just happened to like
#Mysterious whispers#so many issues pop up the second I try to look at what people have to say about things#it feels impossible to like anything at all because not only is there hardly any explanation for why it’s bad#and other people just yell that anyone that likes it is one of the worst people to ever exist ever#so it’s also feels impossible to understand why it’s bad#and honestly I’d probably feel better if I never got on the internet ever and just played games and lived in my own little world instead#but that’s ignorant and that’s not good either
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.
#its like every now and again i am brought down by a terrible loneliness and am forced to remind myself i have in fact more or less#been alone in some sense of the word for more than a few years now theres been such incredible lengths of my lived adulthood where ive#been to deal with everything on my plate entirely by myself for the most part. not to say that i have been like Alone ive kept busy and all#but sometimes i have to remind myself its been years and years since ive had what i would call even some kind of community. and its a#necessary pain to reflect that That is probably why routinely i am completely leveled by some loneliness. this goes of course without sayin#a lot of this is circumstance why i would maybe end up so alone but the reality is im often the only one who gets me im often the only ear#can open up to im often the only one there to catch myself slipping the only one there to take care of myself when im hurting or sick or#tired. and its not that i dont ask for help. something something circumstance where i dont get it from other people#hardly a thing worth stopping myself over but the moments where i have to pick myself up by my own bootstraps for the nth time completely i#the dark by myself its hard not to feel small. looked past. even though im really doing quite okay all things considered. still quite#unfortunately alone and equally isolated and drained of any energy to change this or get out and find community (if i had the space and#the time and the money of course dont forget about the money)#and at the deepest reaches of this feeling i can only see cosmically that this is what im supposed to be doing. to some strange effect that#I Am at least on the right path as tucked away small and hidden and invisible as this may make me feel. bc its never a hard contrast to mak#that if i did have the ability to truly embrace and make a change in that regard would i? would i do it right? could i keep it? where would#that take me? and of course the answer is in this state id just fumble it. and be right back here#when do i get to have that fire in my hands unequivocally where i may finally furiously rid myself of this isolation this loneliness either#forever or long enough to make the change from this lack of connection and community i truly have?
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#at the point where i am mostly like. what is the point. WHAT IS THE POINT!!!#i'm doing terrible at my job and can hardly keep up with schoolwork#and all i want to do in the future (concretely know that i want to do) is write but WOW my writing needs so much work if i ever want to pu#publish#and the world is so large. so large and full of things to do and people and places and just so LARGE#and i am so small and silly and for twenty one rather slow and confused#i can hardly handle my own life. i can hardly even manage to do morning prayer every morning or stick to writing regularly#or even control things in my life like food and exercise which is like. basic self maintenance#i don't know what's going on half the time! i don't know! i don't know why i try so hard half the time either!#it is so SO hard to remain joyful and optimistic and hopeful and i am TRYING hard at it i really am#it is just so much of a struggle all the time and i don't know WHY i'm suddenly unable to function properly like a human being#it is so HARD to resist being unkind and selfish and self-serving and withdrawn and cold nowadays#i just want everything to be put on pause for a little while and that's basically impossible#sorry this is another rant i just have no idea what to do#and i am at the end of my tether once again. seriously this is the closest to rock bottom i've gotten since lockdown#if i were a drinking person. but i am not and thankfully have enough aversions to drink and other substances that i am firmly Not going#to go to extremes. but suffice it to say. multiple mental breakdowns this month multiple 3-5hour nights#many many days in a row of just. having zero energy zero motivation zero ability to do the things#i have a very high sense of Shame and Guilt and also Following Rules and so i wouldn't say i've lost the will to live#because even at the Worst of the worst times things like self harm and suicide have never been an option in my mind#but i am as close to it as i can be i guess. i am just SO tired and very scared#like. God help me. what is my worth if i can't write good stories? what is my worth if i can't be loving and kind and gentle 100% of the ti#time? what is my worth if i can't put 200% into everything and do ALL the things for everyone? what is my worth if i'm not doing My Best?#why can't i just be Normal and Well Adjusted and have SOME of the things figured out for once??#i can't even EAT PROPERLY how can i enter the workforce or raise a family?
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one thing about me is that I do not like to watch that much TV anymore
#If im left alone I hardly ever put something on the TV#maybe two or three times a week#I used to watch it every day all the time and I would have it on even when I wasn't in the room or watching it at all#I was like that for years#Didn't want to experience even a moment of quiet or nothingness#Now I just sit in the living room in the low light and get really high and think my thoughts and text my loved ones#No sound but my cat and the fan and occasionally the washer & dryer#My thoughts aren't being guided by made up stuff#I get to make up my own thoughts which are funny as hell and I really can focus way better when things are quiet#I still like a lot of TV shows and sick movies but I'm not constantly in the mood to have the TV on anymore#I mean. It even fucks with my lighting man. I gotta maintain that low light level. that's the key to happiness for real#my posts
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last rb was just regarding commentary bc i actually don’t agree w the og post that much wrt ‘doggo’ culture or whatever at the very least where i live i don’t think it’s really become a whole Thing like that lmao but the rest of the convo i thought was interesting so
#x#i remember when i was younger thinking that the area i live in in london being weirdly mm. not hostile i don’t think. but not welcoming#to dogs#ppl hardly owned dogs in this area n u rarely saw them as well. and in my school i’m pretty sure there was no doubt a larger number of ppl#that were neutral/scared of dogs than actively liked them like me lol#so me n my family at least who’ve always owned fairly large dogs were used to doing the whole accommodating thing of like. keeping our dogs#away from areas w a lot of ppl n kids n whatnot. n ppl crossed the street anyway to avoid walking by our dogs in the first place 🤷🤷🤷#the whole suburban every house w a family dog thing is. very american. not saying ppl don’t have dogs here obviously#when i used to go therapy in west london i Would see a lot of dog walkers w like. 5-7 dogs at a time#but again like the whole doggo culture/going up to touch dogs like that randomly??? 😬 idk i’ve not seen it like that lol#the last time i remember a group of kids trying to pet nina was when she was a lot younger n they were respectful abt it lol#they yelled from the other side of the street to ask n when i was like sorry she definitely won’t let u touch her they just shrugged n#moved on#anyways. ramblings as usual i was just thinking lol
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ok so i have spent basically the whole day apartment searching. in conclusion i don’t think i can live in an apartment 👍🏻💕
#purrs#im SO fucking limited by being unable to drive and everything within walking / shuttle distance of campus has bad reviews and everything#farther away is too expensive which is fine bc i need roomies anyway probably but i can’t ask someone to be my roommate and my carpool like#that would be so complicated to find. also i CAN. NOT. deal with roaches or bugs or like any of that. i can’t. that and mold and sound#issues are my biggest thigns and i can’t do that like we already have 2/3 here LMFAOOOO so yeah. so i think im better off trying to see if a#anyone living in the neighborhoods around campus are leasing a room or something but then i probably won’t get my own bathroom or kitchen w#which is fine but like it would be awkward if im living in a room and then sharing that room with ppl who actually permanently live in that#house. idk. this is so fucking stressful and i won’t make enough money and i can’t fucking drive which is my biggest problem bc i could#split costs w roommates and suck it up to share a kitchen and bathroom again as lo ng as i have my own bedroom. but i can’t do a 2 star#apartment LOL. i wish i could’ve just stayed where i was living on campus like it wasn’t perfect and the walls were thin but it was clean an#and there were hardly any bugs and it was right on campus and so convenient and everything nearby is so shitty. i fucking hate this#also i don’t even have a credit card yet and i need to have a credit score to apply for some of this stuff and im like 😃🔫
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It’s easy too. To stop engaging with therapy. To stop going out , even if I hardly did it to begin with. To just show up around family when needed. Agree to something and crash for the rest of the week. Just take the money from the government
#honestly I know I’m getting bad because even when I was at my worst my paranoia of feeling like I wasn’t allowed to leave the house looking#amazing would mean I would at least try in that regard#now I can hardly bring myself to do that#I’m lucky that I own slacks so I can throw them on with a button down and marginally pass it in my brain#but I just don’t care anymore#I’ve given up#part of me doesn’t even feel guilty about the government money anymore#I’m just like yeah sure I’ll take it then go to sleep#yeah sure I’ll go to my support worker then go to sleep#yeah sure I’ll do the thing then go to sleep#I’ll just be a decomposing living corpse at this point
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The palpable tension between me and the dating app on my phone that I've never opened
#I keep hesitating like something's holding me back or like there's some reason not to do it#but . . . there isn't and nothing tangible has happened so what do I think I'm waiting for#no one has popped up out of the woodwork to say they like me#why am I like this#it's not like waiting has worked out for anything else before#all it has ever been is more of the same and no one has ever come along to change that so I guess all I can do is do it myself#this does not help the way that I feel I can hardly rely on anyone :/#I'm sick of doing it all myself and wish it would change and somebody would care and not just assume I'm strong and can do it on my own#I'm tired of 'being strong'#maybe this urge to wait is some screwed up version of hope that thinks somebody one day might change all of that and shake things up#but it seems I've given that too long of a chance now - if something's going to change now it seems it only will because I make it happen#I guess that's all I can stick to going forward#it's terrifying but living like this the rest of my life sounds worse#ugh.#personal#random
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