I hate that there's political tension in where I'm living right now. Pretty much my family gets their global sources from Fox News and unfortunately takes everything at face value and it pisses me off so fucking much.

I say how I want politicians and billionaires dead, mom says "you shouldn't wish death upon people"

Oh well who are people to YOU, mom?

I mentioned what's been going on in Palestine and how children are being targeted. Her response?

"Well you know theyre trained to be terrorists."

I lost it. I went the fuck off. The kids are trained to SURVIVE, but because they're doing so, they deserve to be killed? She didn't have a fucking answer for me. I fucking hate it here so much.

But sure, billionaires and politicians alike deserve mercy while they're actively harming people. Every week it's like I'm reminded why I hate living here, and it's not helping my stress levels. It's not making my condition better.

Turn off the fucking fox News and challenge your brain every once in a fucking while. I'm tired of being the only one in my family who is compassionate about innocent people. I'm tired of being the fucking "crazy" one because my family would rather watch fox News and indulge in conspiracy theories than understand the cold hard truth.

Lights, Camera, Orc-tion! (Part 18)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25 | Part 26 | Part 27 | Part 28 | Part 29 | Part 30 | Part 31 | Part 32 | Part 33 | Part 34 | Part 35 | Epilogue

Summary: With medical debt looming over her head, Avicia Thorn  can’t rely on her cam career to make ends meet. She applies for a   slightly-better-than-minimum-wage data entry position at a motion   picture production company.

On her first day, she stumbles onto   the illustrious Kahdreg Vidaroc looming over the HR Recruiter, making   demands. By the time she stumbles out of the office, she is Vidaroc’s   new personal assistant. Whether she likes it or not.

Her pay gets even better when she becomes Vidaroc’s “girlfriend,” a ploy meant to   stave off unwanted attentions from an highly influential siren investor.  Farce doesn’t keep feelings at bay as they play pretend.

----

Avicia’s eyes darted to the sudden appearance of the newcomer. Despite the darkness behind the barn, the silhouette of Kahdreg’s middle sister, Namra, was obvious in the moonlight. Relief and a different kind of tension warred inside Avicia’s stomach as she got to her feet, watching as the dog slinked away to find someone else to garner attention from. “Oh, I-I don’t know if Kahdreg and I are that serious. I mean, there’s time, but we barely have dated and-” 

Namra’s hand fell to Avicia’s shoulder, cutting her off in her rambling. Her eyes flickered to the orc woman’s face, embarrassment coloring her own cheeks for a reason she couldn’t place. Amusement pulled Namra’s lips into a grin. “As long as you want to be, you’re part of the clan, Avicia.” 

The human woman didn’t know what to think of that. Her eyes fell to her feet as her fingers tangled into the hem of her own tee-shirt, too embarrassed and grappling with deeper emotions. She had been trying to ignore the sneaking feelings since Kahdreg revealed the two of them would be going to their family’s home. Large family gatherings were not Avicia’s style. Her father’s family had disowned him when he came out as a man and her cis father had left soon after.

Large family get-togethers weren’t a thing Avicia had grown up with. Though both she and her father had made plenty of friends, ranging from acquaintanceship to found family status, they had never had this sheer amount of people around. As she feared, it was a bit overwhelming.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Namra said, disrupting the silence and distracting Avicia from her out-of-depth thoughts. The orc woman’s hand slipped from Avicia’s shoulder as her head canted to the side. “The heart on Kahdreg’s shoulder. Was that from you?”

Staring up into Namra’s eyes, quick calculations flickered through Avicia’s head. There was no telling what would happen if she confirmed or denied it, though. Especially not with her partner-in-crime off playing horseshoes. Avicia just knew she didn’t want to compound further lies, atop her relationship with Kahdreg. “Yes.”

At that, Namra’s eyebrows ticked a little higher, surprise and curiosity making themselves at home in her expression. “Kahdreg doesn’t usually give or receive marks easily.”

“I’m not marked,” Avicia answered, with a shake of her head, before she could consider the repercussions of the admittance. The second the words were out of her lips, she realized her misstep.

The confusion on Namra’s features made cold dread sink into Avicia’s chest. “What? Why not?” 

“They had me mark them,” Avicia answered, her voice growing increasingly hesitant and soft, “As part of a promise.”

Silence fell between the two. Namra stared down at Avicia, a confused furrow between her eyebrows as her gaze fell away from the human. The irregular clang of horseshoes in the distance interrupted the pleasant ambient sound of the shindig, raking over Avicia’s nerves with each clang. There was little she could think to do except wait for Namra to answer.

“Scars, for orcs, mark important times and people in our lives.” When Kahdreg’s sister spoke, her words were slow and carefully chosen. Avicia’s eyes shot to her, undivided attention given. Ignoring Avicia’s intense attention, Namra stared off into the distance, away from the human and into the blue-black shadows of the forest beyond, as if tracking something amongst the trees. Heaving a sigh, the orc woman hooked her fingers into the neckline of her own shirt, tugging it down so Avicia could see an old pale green scar. “This is from my ex-girlfriend. We broke up a few years back.” 

“Oh… I’m sorry.” Avicia swallowed, her eyes flickered to the scar - a pair of pale green, parallel lines, probably made from only tusks - to Namra’s face. Like a person adrift at sea, Avicia wildly grabbed the first flotsam thought that bobbed to the surface of her mind, “What happened? To make you two break up.”

At that, Namra puffed out a laugh, both amused yet sad.

“We just drifted apart. There are good memories and bad, so it’s kind of bittersweet to have the reminder.” Her words were soft, tinged with a bittersweet that chuckle as she released her shirt and gave a shrug. Her lips quirked into a crooked smile, reminiscent of the smirks Kahdreg tossed Avicia’s direction, but it was lacking the smug amusement in the holder’s eyes. “Scars can fade, unless we tend to them, and I’m not ready to let her mark on me fade, even if we’re no longer together.”

Avicia mentally gnawed on what Namra said. She knew that orcs had clan scars, permanent scars that designated the clan they hailed from. Though she didn’t know why the scars never faded or how one could tell a clan scar from an average scar. She had never thought to question it or look up the reason online. If she did seek out the answer, could she even find it? Or was it something innate and personal to orc culture, kept secret from outsiders?

Not to mention, from what Namra was saying, certain marks were different from run-of-the-mill scars. At least, that was the implication Avicia was picking up on. Her eyes narrowed as she stared at the ground, lips pressed together as thoughts of Kahdreg and everything they’d gone through in such a short time fluttered in her mind’s eye. Swarming emotions tilted Avicia’s feelings back and forth, uncertain of how to feel.

Unable to stop herself, Avicia looked up at Namra, a question blurting from her lips before she could properly filter it, “What does it mean when an orc requests a scar from another person, but doesn’t return it?” 

Namra’s attention shot to Avicia at the sudden words. This time, it seemed to be the orc woman’s turn to feel as if she had shamefully misstepped, judging from the mild panic in her eyes. The observation brought Avicia relief and anxiety.

“I think…” Namra started, before letting the sentence fade into oblivion. Avicia watched carefully as the orc woman’s eyes darted away. She, too, was trying to determine the best way to answer, though in Namra’s case, she clearly didn’t want to ruin whatever Kahdreg and Avicia had going on. Feeling the burn of Avicia’s undeterred eyes on her, Namra’s shoulders slumped. Her attention flicked back to the human, an apologetic smile tucked around her tusks. “I think it’s best if you ask them yourself.”

----

Hours later, Avicia found herself back in Kahdreg’s old room, muscles tired and a general pleasant warmth pulsing through her thoughts. She had kicked off her shoes and jeans, getting comfortable in just her tee-shirt and panties as she flopped back on the bed. 

The Vidarocs and the clan they belonged to were terribly welcoming. To the point of making you forget you needed sleep. She couldn’t complain too much. The food had been good and, in some cases, sinfully delectable. The music, whether played by others or via a radio, tended toward fast-paced and jaunty, leaving anyone dancing breathless and laughing. And the few games she had found the nerve to participate in had been delightful. However, it was easy to enjoy a game when your opponents were sated on food and groggy on drink. 

Other than when they competed in an impromptu horseshoe game against Fanuma, Kahdreg had stayed by her side the entire night. They’d point out particular treats, nudge her into games, and - at risk of bodily harm from her - Kahdreg even dragged Avicia into dancing around the fire.

Avicia was hyper-aware of every touch since speaking with Namra. Every accidental brush of Kahdreg’s hand against hers as they walked side-by-side. Every time they touched or nudged against each other while dancing or maneuvering around the party. Every time Kahdreg leaned close to whisper helpful tidbits or smarmy little quips in her ear, Avicia’s body prickled; painfully noticing every hint of their body heat in the cool air or the teasing graze of their words against her ear.

“We’re going to sleep well tonight,” Avicia sighed, trying to push away the evening’s struggles from her thoughts. Though the emotional and physical toll of the socialization dragged at her eyes, curiosity gnawed at her thoughts. 

“Always do, after one of these get-togethers,” replied Kahdreg, their back to Avicia as they shucked free of their own shirt. Dropping the tee-shirt on the floor, the orc gave a groan and stretched their arms over their head, putting their form on inadvertent display to the human. 

The evening, as far as Kahdreg was concerned, had gone quite well. Their family seemed to be fooled and Avicia handled the unplanned crowd well. Relief had taken up home in the orc’s thoughts. The next hurdle wouldn’t come until the morning, when they had to interact with their family again. Why not relax?

Avicia hummed in response, unable to agree or disagree with such experiences. She watched Kahdreg with a contemplative look, her gaze licking along their back. The speckling of scars along their muscular arms and back taunted something inside her, making a knot tighten in her stomach. “I heard something interesting from your sister.” 

That caught Kahdreg’s attention. Uncertainty tensed along their body as they turned to Avicia and approached the bed, trying to maintain nonchalance. “Which one?”

“Namra.” Avicia pushed herself up into a sitting position, staring up at the orc as they came closer. On the outside, Avicia affixed pure calm into her expression, while she internally fought against the temptation to let her gaze drop, to drink in the details of their bare torso and shoulders and arms on flagrant display. A familiar heat itched along her fingers, wanting to reach out and feel the flex of those muscles, the heat of their skin, beneath her fingertips.

“Okay.” Kahdreg’s shoulders relaxed a little, though there was still a hint of uncertainty churning at their stomach. Fanuma was a predictable thorn in their side. Namra, however, was not. She had a tendency to be sneakier - perhaps more well-intentioned - than Fanuma. Though she managed to cause just as many problems for Kahdreg.

“She spoke to me about scars in orc culture. How scars are important and hold a lot of meaning to orcs.” Avicia went on airily, waving a hand in the air. She tried to sound casual, as if she wasn’t about to ask something important. For all she knew, it wasn’t serious, at all! 

But it was obvious from Kahdreg’s body language they were on edge. Whether it was from genuine concern or the fear of being caught doing something wrong, Avicia couldn’t say.

Something was definitely up, Kahdreg decided. And that made the uncertainty claw deeper into their skin, clinging to their gut. Despite the unease, they settled on the bed beside Avicia with a soft, “Yeah?” 

The quiet in Kahdreg’s voice gave Avicia pause. Staring at Kahdreg, a slurry of thoughts swirled around her head. Her eyes shifted to the orc’s marked shoulder, making something indescribable tighten in her stomach.  She swallowed, wondering why this felt important to her. For all Avicia knew, Kahdreg not marking her was a non-issue. Especially for the two of them, considering they weren’t even actually dating. 

Still, she couldn’t stop herself from asking in a quiet voice, “If this was a normal situation, were you supposed to give me a scar when you made the promise?” 

Yet again, silence. Though the silence between the two of them felt heavier than what Avicia felt with Namra. It was more fragile, as if the wrong breath could make it break horribly. Or perhaps the break would be delightful, with a sudden and satisfactory explosion. Avicia couldn’t tell. Anticipation crawled through her as Kahdreg briefly stumbled to answer.

“In the… strictest, most traditional sense, yes.” Kahdreg swallowed, their gaze shifted from Avicia as they half-turned away from her. They wanted to say something else. They could feel the preferred words on their tongue, but they swallowed the notions down. This arrangement wasn’t meant to foster anything else but a protective barrier from Kallinaera for them and cold hard cash for Avicia. An unpleasantness curled in their stomach, heat crawling up their body, as dissatisfaction hissed at the thought. Kahdreg dutifully ignored the feelings. “But you’re a human and this was for my benefit. I didn’t have the right to leave my mark on you.” 

Avicia leaned forward, neck craning as Kahdreg stubbornly refused to meet her gaze. A feeling she didn’t wish to name skittered through her nerves. “Do you want to leave your mark on me?” 

A muscle in Kahdreg’s jaw twitched and their eyes fell to their hands. They could feel Avicia’s gaze burning into them, lighting a heat at their center. Like Kahdreg’s jaw, their own fingers clenched tightly, gripping at their knees. As if afraid letting their hands relax would tempt them to reach out, to touch the human beside them. The tension in their body flexed tighter when they muttered quietly, “At first, no. But now...” 

Avicia waited, still leaning forward and staring at her companion. When it was obvious Kahdreg’s nerve had dissipated with their sentence, she prompted, “But now?”

Kahdreg couldn’t bring their gaze to Avicia’s, but they turned back toward her with a mumbled, “Yes.”

“I see.” Avicia let go of a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. Their answer hadn’t given her the rush of relief or dread she was expecting. There was still a prickle of uncertainty in the air. With a swallow, she shifted back on the bed, hands planted behind her as she decided to prod for more information. “And how would you go about it?” 

“Avicia, come on,” Kahdreg groaned as they brusquely turned away from her again, their shoulders hunched in embarrassment. Heat raked over Kahdreg’s face, already hearing the taunting words or horrified remarks in their head.

“No, no, I am very curious about this,” insisted the woman, placing a hand on Kahdreg’s shoulder. Despite herself, a grin quirked at her lips. “Do orcs usually use knives? Or teeth? I think I’ve had an orc or two mention something about eating me up.” 

Avicia’s touch on their arm seared through their skin. They were too aware of the human, of her scent and the heat of her so close. It made Kahdreg’s stomach turn into frayed knots, their hands itching to feel the woman’s softness beneath their fingertips while their brain continued to throw upsetting words and images into their consciousness. 

With another groan, Kahdreg pressed their face into their hands, trying to still the urge to touch Avicia. “Yes.” 

Feeling bold, Avicia grinned and nudged at Kahdreg’s shoulder, still trying to get them to turn toward her, to face her. “Yes, what?” 

A deep sigh escaped Kahdreg as their hands slowly lowered from their face. They stared quietly at the floor, muscles twitching in their cheek as their jaw flexed, before turning their gaze to Avicia’s face. Something in the air buzzed, making her stomach churn with excitement and apprehension. Another crack formed in the silence between them. Kahdreg’s sudden movement toward her made Avicia yelp in surprise, pushing backward instinctively. The movement only gave the orc more room to pin her down. The heat of Kahdreg’s palms curled around her upper arms, forcing her back against the mattress. 

The orc’s body arched over her - a reminder of the size differential between the two flaring in Avicia’s brain - as their hands slid to her wrists and one of their knees slipped between her legs. Kahdreg basked in the surprised expression on the human’s flushed face and the warmth rising from her. They seared the image, the feel, of her beneath them, hair splayed out like a halo and her chest rising and falling with hitched breaths, into their memory. It was all the time Kahdreg could spare before instinct and desire beckoned their head to lower. 

Their lips skirted along the length of Avicia’s throat, her pulse jumping against the ghost of a kiss. It made their own body throb in turn. They didn’t linger at her throat for long; they couldn’t risk her scent and warmth tempting them further. Their attention turned to the expanse between Avicia’s neck and shoulder, pausing midway between. 

“With my teeth, here.” The growl rumbled against Avicia, her nerves shaking as the orc opened their mouth. Kahdreg’s upper row of teeth gingerly scraped over the slope of her shoulder, while their lower teeth and tusks grazed the skin below her clavicle. 

For a wild second, she wondered if their words had simply been narration. If they were about to sink their teeth into her. Avicia’s chest rose and fell drastically, her breasts grazing against Kahdreg with every deep inhale. Her brain could only imagine how such a mark - a bite, if she was being honest with herself - would look, how it would feel. 

Did they want to dig deeper where their teeth grazed? Leave long lines with their tusks? Or did they just want to clamp down, marking her with the imprint of their teeth and tusks? Would it burn or be a blunt pain or something else? Or would they only use the very tips, digging in just enough to make her bleed and scar her with pinpricks? 

Thoughts and concerns clashed through her head, joined by confusion as excitement sunk low and hot at her core. Involuntarily, her thighs squeezed against Kahdreg’s leg. Without thought, the orc nudged their knee against the juncture of her legs, the friction only heightening the confounding warmth pooling at her core.

Did she really want to be bitten by Kahdreg? By her boss, her sense desperately reminded her.

“I won’t.” Kahdreg’s words were firm, answering an unspoken question lingering between them. Or perhaps attempting to rein themselves in. The air in their lungs burned as hormones and pheromones saturated the air. A heat mirroring the burn in their chest clawed at Kahdreg’s lower stomach. Slowly, Kahdreg pulled themselves far enough away to look into Avicia’s face. Away from Avicia’s delectable scent at her throat and her welcoming heat. Kahdreg continued to talk themselves down while masking it as speaking to her. “There’s a lot of factors - social and physical - and you’re a human, not an orc. You have different feelings about permanent marks on your body.” 

The anticipation swelling in Avicia deflated. A disappointed chill tangled within her, trying to subdue the excitable, almost taboo, heat still stirring up her insides. Sense pushed past the hormonal haze, chiming agreement with Kahdreg’s discipline. They were right. There was so much to consider! So many implications!

She could only imagine the uproar, both at her day job and night job, over such an injury. Let alone an injury that was obviously caused by someone with tusks. That sort of thing might actually get the studio’s HR called on Kahdreg and Avicia. Her fans could go either way; either delighted and fantasizing about being her next mark or livid she had a life and relationships outside of her cam-fans.

“You’re right, I do have concerns about scars,” Avicia mumbled, her gaze latching onto Kahdreg’s eyes. 

Instant regret charged through Kahdreg. Of course, Avicia would have worries about carrying something permanent over a temporary ploy. No matter how tangled Kahdreg felt about the whole situation. The orc nodded, an expression of mingled disappointment and understanding mixing on their features. They shifted, intending to move off Avicia, before the human’s newly released hands pressed to the orc’s chest.

They paused in their retreat as Avicia pressed her lips together. It was her turn to avoid Kahdreg’s eyes as curiosity flickered through them. It wasn’t as if she didn’t want them to mark her, she realized, though the thought made her cheeks flame. “There are other, less permanent, options, though.” 

Her words drew Kahdreg’s heart into a faster tempo. Their eyes flickered along Avicia’s features, searching for something to dampen their sudden delight. A shamefully hopeful realization formed in their thoughts and refused to be shaken away. 

“So, you’d agree to something temporary?” The words were so soft on Kahdreg’s lips. As if they were afraid they had misunderstood.

Avicia found the nerve to peer up at Kahdreg through her lashes, trying to ignore how warm her body felt - how close Kahdreg remained - as she gave a nod. She didn’t trust herself with words at the moment. Or how nervous and excited they’d sound on her tongue. The pound of her heart and the rush of blood in her ears completely distracted her from the look slipping over Kahdreg’s features.

It was another tightrope walk with Avicia, Kahdreg realized. Weighing and balancing restraint against the alluring warmth building inside. Even as the orc lowered their lips to her ear, Kahdreg forced their movements slow and steady, tamping down on the excited frenzy that wanted to take over.

Avicia’s preoccupation floundered and her heart stuttered the second she registered Kahdreg’s form closing proximity again. She hadn’t realized how much her body ached when they’d begun pulling away, how much cool air had managed to sift between them, until their body was almost flush against hers again. Silently, she inhaled sharply, the breath making her lungs burn as Kahdreg’s lips brushed her ear. Avicia’s eyes clenched shut, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip to distract herself from the somersaults rolling through her stomach.

Kahdreg’s warm breathy hum sunk into her brain, sending shivery sensations along her body. The orc’s next words were like a warm syrup, coating her insides with heat and making her core clench tight. 

“What exactly did you have in mind, Miss Thorn?”

Ex-girlfriend had me arrested and contributed to stealing $1000's of dollars from my bank account before I got my retribution.

This is really long but ends with a lot of irony and perfect results.

TL;DR Ex lies and has me arrested because I didn't take her on trip with me. She also destroyed some of my property and possessions while stealing others along with cash and bank card. Prosecutor finds out it's all lies files charges to which she wants me to have dropped. That angers me so I turn over evidence of her other crimes. She goes to jail. Good stuff!!!

About 13 years ago I was in an amazingly toxic relationship, and was completely blindly stupidly in love or so I thought at the time. We had been together about 2 years and had been living together since literally the first night we met. I owned my own home which I worked from and made great money and asked her to quit her job after one too many incidents where she had to deal with a handsy boss. Months into our relationship we rented an apartment out on the beach but I kept my house and we'd go sleep there 2-3 times a month. Since she was looking for a job I told her I would pay our bills while she found and settled into her new job. Her job search lasted about 5 minutes and then she took to hanging out around the house while I worked 15-16 hour days. We spent all day everyday together except for when we would go out to bars together and she'd meet her girlfriends and I'd meet my people's. I got burnt out on work and since I owned my own business I decided I could have my subcontractors do the day to way work and I'd take a year to travel while working remotely 2-3 days a week.

It was around this time I noticed a change in her attitude and our relationship. She became suspicious and accusing me of cheating which was completely unfounded and confusing to me since we were together almost always. Had I listened to those around me I would've put that relationship out of its misery and walked away. However, I decided to try and make her see I wasn't what she thought I was. I obviously see now it was projection and her on concern about being caught sleep around.

We took a year and went all over the US on road trips, going to music festivals, and seeing friends all over the country. We also went to Europe a few times so she got to do and see not just our country but 7 others on my dime while cheating on me but making me feel like the bad guy.

Things would be great while traveling until we were about to land, or just after we got home then she'd pick a fight and I'd go to my house for the night. Our last trip together was to Portland for 10 days in the first week of October. We had a great time and things seemed like the worst was behind us. Boy was I wrong! In our town there's an annual halloween street party. We had each gone for 10+ years before we started dating and every year since we began dating. This particular year I had decided I wanted to go to voodoo festival in New Orleans which is the last week of October and our local shindig is the last Saturday of October. This caused a huge fight between us and I told her I needed a break to assess our relationship. This brought out an evil side in her which I'd never seen. I was shocked and wasn't going to tolerate it. I packed my bags and went to the airport and caught my flight to NO. I got there the day before the festival started and went and gambled and did my tourist obligations on Bourbon Street. That evening I was missing her so I booked her a ticket and tried calling her but got no answer. I texted her and let her know that a ticket was at the airport and a car would be waiting to bring her to my hotel but still got no response. Hours after I called her she drunkenly calls me screaming about how she knew I had one of my whores with me on this trip. She went on for 20 min before I told her to forget the ticket and to fuck off at this point I was 100% done. At that point she asked what ticket because she hadn't seen the text (flip phones were the worst for that reason) but it was too late in my book. For her to think I was that type of person and the seriously personal attacks she launched into let me know there was nothing left to salvage. Before hanging up I told her when I returned I would be moving out of the apartment and I would no longer be paying for everything so she had a week to make arrangements.

Because we were living together she had access to the spare key to my house I kept in our apartment. She went to my house and dumped bleach all over my clothing and my sneaker collection. That there would be enough for me to murder her if I wasn't a decent person. She also stole 300+ records and my spare bank card plus the $10,000 I kept for emergencies (bail money) in a safe hidden in my closet. This was an intelligent woman but her thinking during her little crime spree wouldn't indicate that. Instead of using the bank card herself she gave it to a friend of hers and they spent over $3500 on purchases and withdrew $5500 from my savings. I only found it was happening because my bank called and wondering why my card was being used in 2 separate states minutes or hours apart in the same day. I shut the card off and filed fraud claims and put her out of my mind for the rest of the week while having a blast. Festival was great and had a great time hanging out drinking, drugging, gambling, and partying while in New Orleans. The festival ended Sunday and I flew home the following Tuesday. I come off the jetway into the terminal and am met by two detectives. They ask my name and I of course started answering all their questions. Within 5 minutes I'm in handcuffs and being led away for felony domestic violence, terroristic threats, burglary, assault, and criminal mischief.

I had left on my trip on a Friday afternoon. That next day is when I sent her the ticket and we had that blowout where I ended it. She called the police and told them we were fighting and I came to her house and she wouldn't let me in, so I threw a brick through her sliding glass door. Once in then I started to strangle her and one of girlfriends tried to stop me and I punched and beat her up. She told the police I fled to New Orleans. (The level of crazy here is beyond scary she staged a break in by smashing a door in our apartment, had hand marks on her neck to be photographed, and the other girl had a split lip...all faked) The police somehow got my flight info but didn't bother to check that I wasn't even in town when all this allegedly happened. I went to jail and bonded out ($35,000 bond) and had to hire an attorney. Based on charges filed I was looking at 12 years now that's what I would've served but still scary AF. I knew I could prove where I was so wasn't overly concerned. However it cost me $3500 for bond and $10,000 on an attorney. I got my $3,5000 back when my case was dropped. After getting out of jail I went to the airport to get my car and she had slit all 4 tires on my car leaving the pearl handled switch blade I bought her as a gift in the last tire.

My attorney gets all my travel documents to the prosecutor and the charges are dropped. I was going to let the rest of the shit go and be done with her. Honestly if losing that money meant I'd never have to see or deal with her again I would've paid double. The prosecutor was pissed and filed charges on both my ex the other girl who lied to police. At this point he didn't know about the fraud complaint from the money stolen from me. Again I was going to just let it go until my ex called me. She tried apologizing by saying she was sorry she had to do all the stuff because I told her I never wanted to see or speak to her again while in New Orleans. By doing those things she felt it would get my attention is the way she put it. I told her she was a spiteful bitch and karma would run over some day. Her response was I was spiteful for leaving her and going on the trip without her. My last words to her that I would be very spiteful and her oncoming karma rolled into one. Because I had texts asking her about the damage done in my home and the missing $10k/bank card and the money spent in which she admitted all of it I turned those over to the prosecutor. He filed theft, burglary, identity theft, misuse of credit card, and about 4 other charges on her. She had a key but no permission to be in my house so the burglary charge stuck and so did 5 of the other charges. She got 6 years and did 3. Once out I would see her when I was out because she has always bartended or been a waitress. Over a three year period I saw her working at 5 places. At all 5 I notified the manager or owner that she was thief not to trusted and gave them just enough info to see she was a felon. She lost those 5 jobs. After that she moved away. Last I heard she lived in Chicago. Feel sorry for whatever person this parasite is currently attached to.

Crazy Psycho = 0 Me = 1

(source) story by (/u/Burnvictim49percent)

Globe, January 4

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Ghislaine Maxwell buying her way out of prison

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- Gavin Rossdale playing tennis with his pup Chewy, Brooke Burke holding holiday balls topless, James Franco takes his cellphone into the sea 

Page 3: Leighton Meester surfing in Malibu, Robbie Williams, Lisa Rinna wearing two masks 

Page 4: Angelina Jolie is bracing for major humiliation after being dragged into Johnny Depp’s latest legal showdown with ex-wife Amber Heard -- Angie’s run-ins with Johnny who she starred with in 2010′s The Tourist are coming under intense scrutiny as Depp gears for a second court battle with Amber -- Angie and Johnny were so coy about their white-hot connection at the time even though their romance was an open secret but they got lucky because nobody had the smoking gun to prove it but now it’ll all come out in the open -- at the time Johnny was still dating Vanessa Paradis while Angie was five years into her doomed love-in with Brad Pitt -- there’s talk bisexual Amber was kind of obsessed with Angie so Angie is central to the plotline whether she likes it or not

Page 5: The Bachelor host Chris Harrison is worried he’ll follow Dancing with the Stars host Tom Bergeron out the door -- both these shows have been on TV forever and the world has changed around them and to keep up with Black Lives Matter and the #MeToo movement changes are being discussed and that’s left Chris fearing he’ll be the next Tom Bergeron and replaced by a woman of color 

Page 6: Aging divas Loretta Lynn and Dolly Parton are caught in a bitter country catfight and long-dead Patsy Cline is the excuse -- although there’s been little love lost between the Nashville icons for nearly 50 years their simmering feud exploded weeks ago when Dolly apparently took some veiled public shots at Loretta’s BFF Patsy who was horribly disfigured in a car wreck two years before dying in a 1963 plane crash -- in an interview Dolly recalled standing in the wings of Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry at age 13 and watching Patsy perform and she remembered thinking about how awful it was that she got her pretty face scarred up like that -- Loretta was fit to be tied over the comments Dolly made about her old pal and thinks Dolly should stop running her mouth about Nashville legends like Patsy and Johnny Cash -- Dolly’s heard about Loretta’s complaints through the grapevine and brushes them off as quarantine boredom mixed with old age 

Page 8: Blake Shelton’s going bonkers after fiancee Gwen Stefani told him she wants to skip the mega-million star-studded wedding shindig he’s been planning and elope -- Blake is all bent out of shape over Gwen’s latest switcheroo which calls for them to get hitched on the sly at a Mexican resort and she’s got him so mixed up he can’t think straight because for the longest time she wanted the Hollywood-style wedding with all the bells and whistles and was very particular about details but now she’s telling him to ditch those plans which have already cost them a small fortune and book a trip somewhere exotic so they can just just get it over with -- Gwen wants to elope so they can hitched at the Riviera Maya resort in Cancun where they could swap vows on the beach witnessed by her three sons and Blake has no choice but to give in to Gwen and he’s saying he’s fine with it as long as she’s sure this time 

Page 9: Hollywood horndog John Mayer is back sniffing around old flame Jennifer Aniston after his mom gave him a shove -- John and Jen had a steamy fling for about a year before he dropped her in 2009 and now John’s mom Margaret Meyer is scolding him for letting Jen go and John’s mom is always on him about settling down and she feels that at 43 he should be married and she recently had a heart-to-heart talk with him and told him she thought Jennifer was the most down-to-earth of all his exes and because John considers his mom one of the smartest people he knows he decided to reach out to Jen and he’s always admired Jen and thought of her as a classy lady and now he’s reaching out to her again in hopes of getting her to agree to see him again once things leave lockdown 

* FKA Twigs has socked actor Shia LaBeouf with a bombshell lawsuit claiming he subjected her to relentless physical, emotional and mental abuse and gave her an STD and she also accuses him of sexual battery, assault, and infliction of emotional distress -- although Shia says she’s lying Twigs insists Shia once choked her in the middle of the night and kept a loaded firearm by the bed leaving her terrified to get up at night for fear he’d think she was an intruder and shoot her -- she claims during an incident around Valentine’s Day 2019 Shia threatened to crash his speeding car unless she professed her love for him so when he pulled into a gas station she got out of the car but he threw her against the car while screaming in her face then forced her back into the car -- Shia also had rules about how often Twigs had to kiss and touch him -- Shia has been arrested several times on now-dismissed charges including assault and disorderly conduct 

Page 10: John Lennon didn’t have to die -- that’s law enforcement experts’ explosive analysis after reviewing newly discovered evidence about the Beatles legend’s December 8, 1980 murder in NYC -- an odd series of coincidences and simple decisions put Lennon and his killer Mark David Chapman in the same place at the same time -- a review of the details concludes Lennon’s death was a strange result of flukes including his penchant for running around without protection and a missed appointment with his photographer and without these quirks of fate John would still be alive and recording hit songs 

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- Pink flashes her bandaged thumb after getting stitches in Santa Monica (picture), Amanda Seyfried confesses she made a terrible decision for turning down the role of a lifetime as Chris Pratt’s love interest in Guardians of the Galaxy and now she’s watching from the sidelines as the director’s second choice Zoe Saldana skyrockets in the money-making Marvel franchise, Katherine Heigl will star in the upcoming limited biopic series Woodhull about Victoria Woodhull the first woman to run for president in 1872, Big Brother alum Zach Rance has come out as bisexual after admitting a sizzling same-sex romance with his former reality show housemate Frankie Grande who is the real-life older brother of pop star Ariana Grande

Page 13: Jaime King slurps down a meal on the streets on L.A. (picture), Jax Taylor mowing the lawn (picture), Guns N’ Roses axman Slash loads up on supplies at an L.A. grocery (picture), former teen heartthrob Chad Michael Murray admits his inflated young ego got the best of him and now he looks at photos of himself and thinks what a dweeb

Page 14: Julia Roberts is headed for the small screen headlining the limited TV series The Last Thing He Told Me where she’ll form an unexpected relationship with her teenage stepdaughter while searching for the truth about her husband’s mysterious disappearance, Emma Stone is also heading for the flat-screen in the comedy series The Curse alongside Nathan Fielder about a couple starring on an HGTV-style show who are trying to conceive a child amid an alleged curse, Nicolas Cage is hosting a new series called The History of Swear Words in which he’ll delve into the origins and pop culture usage and science and cultural impact of profanely shocking expletives

* Fashion Police -- Peyton List 8/10, Sofia Carson 9/10, Vanessa Hudgens 2/10, Neve Campbell 1/10, Chelsea Handler 4/10 

Page 16: Cover Story -- Jeffrey Epstein’s madam Ghislaine Maxwell’s $30M jail break -- terrified and tortured Ghislaine risks family fortune to buy her freedom -- the accused sex predator and her fat cat inner circle are set to plunk down an obscene $30 million to buy her way out of federal prison in what outraged investigators fear is a brazen plot to cheat justice 

Page 19: 10 Things You Don’t Know About Mayim Bialik

* Lizzo is admitting she’s having negative thoughts and is hating her 300-pound body but adds she knows she beautiful

* The Spice Girls were likely liquored up on cut-rate champagne when they made their first album according to Emma Bunton a.k.a. Baby Spice who says she and her bandmates swilled the cheapest sparkling wine in the studio 

Page 20: True Crime -- a chilling message left by the elusive Zodiac Killer has finally been cracked by a team of code breakers after 51 years -- a hodgepodge of numbers, symbols and letters called the 340 cipher was sent to the San Francisco Chronicle in 1969 and lawmen believed it contained key clues to the serial killer’s identity but the truth is even more chilling -- according to the experts the message says I hope you are having lots of fun in trying to catch me, I am not afraid of the gas chamber because it will send me to paradise all the sooner because I now have enough slaves to work for me 

Page 21: Caitlyn Jenner is terrified after learning her skin cancer has returned a second time -- she was diagnosed with basal cell skin cancer a few years ago and had an entire layer of skin removed from her nose -- since then she’s been slathering on sunscreen but a new red spot on the right side of her nose popped up along with some crusty areas on her scalp but the nose patch was not cancer but hypertrophic keratosis or scaly damage from sun exposure -- however the dozen spots on the top of her head was squamous cell carcinoma which is a skin cancer that’s known to be aggressive so her doctor burned off the offending spots -- her doctor recommended she replace her 1960 Austin-Healey convertible but the chances of Caitlyn selling her prized ride are slim 

Page 23: Your 2021 Horoscope -- love, luck, health, wealth, happiness -- plus surprising celebrity predictions -- Elton John, Valerie Bertinelli, Johnny Depp, Jessica Simpson, Matthew Perry, Cameron Diaz, Will Smith, Katy Perry, Howie Mandel, Savannah Guthrie, Justin Timberlake, Carrie Underwood 

Page 30: Larry King has reached a deal with estranged wife Shawn but she’s royally peeved about the payoff -- Larry has agreed to pay her a lump sum of $20,000 plus $33,000 a month in spousal support which lasts until at least their next scheduled hearing in April but Shawn claims the 33Gs only covers a third of her monthly nut which includes $25,000 for rent on her home, $12,000 on clothes, $3500 on groceries and $4500 for hair and nails and pet care and gym 

Page 31: Kim Kardashian is reading husband Kanye West the riot act over his junk food benders that are sabotaging her healthy eating program and it’s led to more than a few arguments with no peace in sight -- he’s telling her to chill and let him live by his own terms but she can’t do that because it’s driving her crazy -- what really ticks Kim off is his junk food has totally taken over her section of fresh cut veggies, fruits and water and she wants him to get his own storage in a different part of the house where she won’t have to see it or hold her nose 

* Kardashian momager Kris Jenner’s faux reality TV home is on the market for nearly $8 million even though she never lived there -- the L.A. estate was used for exterior shots of the image-conscious family’s compound on Keeping Up with the Kardashians but it was all for show -- dubbed the Iredell Estate the house also appears in True Blood and Chelsea Lately 

Page 33: Health Report 

Page 34: Wrestling Ring Kings: Where Are They Now? Sable, Bret Hart

Page 35: Lex Luger, Steve Austin, Ric Flair 

Page 36: The Undertaker, Tito Santana, Diamond Dallas Page 

Page 37: Kane, Kurt Angle, Sunny, Mick Foley 

Page 39: Despite an astounding 30 No. 1 country music hits legendary singer Charley Pride took a haunting regret to his grave that he never made it as major league baseball star -- Charley had so much success but he died tormented his baseball career short-circuited -- Charley was singing and playing guitar by the time he was 14 but his real goal was to pitch for the New York Yankees -- Charley signed with a Yankees farm team as a flame-throwing phenom at 17 but in his rookie season he threw out his arm and was just never the same -- after he struck out in baseball he put his full energy into singing but faced an uphill battle -- Charley was the Jackie Robinson of country music and he endured a lot of racism 

Page 40: Kelsey Grammer admits he often breaks down and blubbers like a baby and it makes him feel better and he cries when he’s upset or sad or scared and it provides him a lot of relief and he believes years of tragedy in his life taught him to cry as a healing mechanism and now he sheds tears whenever he has sad feeling bottled up inside him 

* A moneybags James Bond fan coughed up a whopping $256,000 for the handgun 007 Sean Connery toted in the first spy epic Dr. No -- the disabled Walther PP semi-automatic was supposed to bring in no more than $200,000 but the unidentified American buyer who claims to have seen every Bond epic went even higher 

Page 44: Straight Talk -- Miley Cyrus is now blabbing about why she broke up with husband Liam Hemsworth after years of togetherness and just nine months of marriage and it sounds like a case of the pot calling the kettle black 

Page 45: Furious Queen Elizabeth has booted Princess Eugenie and her husband out of Prince Harry’s Frogmore Cottage home in a bit to foil Meghan Markle’s plan to completely cut him off from England and the royal family -- pregnant Eugenie and her booze-seller husband Jack Brooksbank were ordered to quit the cottage and move back to Kensington Palace just six weeks after Harry and Meghan secretly leased them the home meaning Harry and Meghan are still on the financial hook for Frogmore which was a gift from the queen and they will have to underwrite the cost of keeping up the property and it also ensures Harry has a home in Britain if he ever wants to come back -- by moving Eugenie and Jack out the queen has made sure Harry still has a place to hang his hat if he decides to come back to leave his American wife 

Page 47: Bizarre But True 

Quick Thoughts on The Royal Heir (Finally!), Book 1 Chapter 12

• Sorry for the delay, guys! I had my first spoken word performance in years this week, and since I was pretty rusty from lack of practice I was spending most of my time preparing for that. Which kind of meant I couldn't concentrate much on getting this QT done the way I usually do.

(BUT IT WENT VERY WELL!! :D :D)

• If you don't want these posts clogging your dash, here are the tags to blacklist: #trh quick thoughts, #trh qts, #trh qt reblogs, #long post.

• Honestly the highlight of this chapter for me is finding out that Kiara calls Madeleine an angry poodle behind her back. I bet it was supposed to mean something else and Penelope simply edited it out lol.

• And also Hana's look this chapter, coz Hana always looks so pretty XD

• Soooo like we have one more chapter in Texas left? That's...quite the gap away from the country - from Chapter 5 to Chapter 13, with us returning to Cordonia (by the looks of the summary) by Chapter 14. That's 8 chapters in the States + 1 in Auvernal (9 total): that's roughly 42-47% of our total book. That's how long the narrative took to wrap things up in Walker Ranch, a huge chunk of which added nothing much of value whatsoever to the story.

• In terms of timeline, we've spent over a week preparing for Bertrand and Savannah's wedding, following a possible month-long honeymoon plus barely two days in Valtoria. That's one looooong holiday. And...newsflash...it's not only "King Liam" who's being "irresponsible" (esp if you consider that in a playthrough where you're honeymooning with another LI, he isn't the one spending a whole month frolicking on the beach then running off to Texas shortly after), it's all your favourite LIs as well.

• Screenshots:

Hana: The Universal 77 YouTube channel

Maxwell: @itsbrindleybinch and rash.rec YouTube channel.

Drake: The HIMEME YouTube channel and BizzysChoices YouTube channel

• Sooo the chapter begins where we left off, with Savannah worried about where Bertrand has gone, and the group doing some sort of team huddle like they're discussing strategy for a football game or something.

• Maxwell for some reason thinks the chickens may have taken him hostage. This is not Angry Birds, Maxwell 🤭

Savannah mentions that his tux and wallet are still at home, and therein lies the clue that he isn't abandoning her. He's not taken any money with him.

• Leona gives in her crusty, unwanted input, which Bianca to her credit shuts down. I mean, if Bertrand really needed to turn tail and run, he would have done it ages ago. Like as soon as Drake the Freeloader insisted Bertrand cluck like a chicken last book, just to win the hand of his equally freeloading sister. He could have just muttered "this entire clan is bonkers, me outie" right then. And he'd be right.

• I need Bertrand to ask THE ENTIRE WALKER FAMILY to cluck like chickens or something similar in public once this whole ordeal is over coz istg they deserve just as much humiliation for what they've put them through. That includes Savannah and Drake. Bertrand would be appalled by the idea but yknow, a girl can dream.

• The MC offers to go to the store to find him, and sees Bertrand arguing with the clerk (and threatening curses on him and his progeny). She gets to sock him over the head if she wants...or just scare him. After a couple seconds of arguing coz Bertrand went on this impossible mission just before his wedding, he admits to wanting to get Savannah the Walker saddle.

• The owner of the store doesn't want to give the saddle away because he wants to use it to hold hats. If there is one thing Esther DuPont can appreciate, it's a man who values his hats.

• You have three options to convince Cassidy, the owner: you either plead with him and remind him of the power of friendship, or you tell him the truth about the saddle being Bertrand's fiancée's family heirloom (and because Cassidy is a big softie really, he is moved by both these options).

• The third option is the messiest and the best because you grab the saddle and run while poor Cassidy is just standing there like "what the fuck just happened here":

• Just before the MC and Bertrand got to their respective rooms to change, she gets to ask him why it was so important now for him to get the saddle - and his reasoning involves not only Savannah but Bianca, who Bertrand reveals "has never had a favourable opinion" of him. Which for me technically means buildup for a flashback scene for her before we leave, so the story can highlight why she secretly shares Leona's mistrust of the Crown. There have already been a couple instances where Bianca has hinted at her disappointment, and I'd be kiiinda surprised if it doesn't come up next chapter.

• Bertrand suddenly starts "realizing the importance of parents" with Bartie Sr's return? Really?? How and why? Wasn't he extremely conflicted about Bartie Sr earlier? You'd think they'd expand on that but no.

• Since the MC and Hana are from the bride's side (for no reason) they wear these lovely pink outfits (of course, if the MC decides against that, she can always choose Pepto Bismol!). The men wear blue and white with pink flowers at the lapel, and interestingly Maxwell wears a bowtie rather than the tie Liam and Drake wear (I'm guessing so he could match with Bertrand).

• As with most things on Hana's playthrough, Maxwell takes her place for scenes where an LI is to assist the MC (either in picking an outfit or in choosing for something like the nursery). Here, we meet Maxwell first, then see Hana's outfit afterwards.

• ...Madeleine believing she's "an actual professional", and in fact better than Jess, and Blake Yasuda.

If I had to make a list of how poor a professional you are, it would be - oh wait. I already have a comprehensive list of that. It's the entirety of Book 3.

• Madeleine is not our press secretary anymore (thank goodness) but she still hasn't lost her need to control and criticize and screech at people. Unfortunately, by virtue of being last in the room just when the MC is hit by a wave of nausea, Madeleine ends up sharing the secret of our possible pregnancy with us (eww).

• Because the MC is impatient as hell, Madeleine shoves the test into a desk drawer and waits for the timer to go off, after which we find...two tests (how did she not see this when she was opening the desk). Which one is ours? (the positive one, but for plot purposes the MC is kept not knowing about this).

• I'm not appreciating Madeleine carrying around pregnancy tests. That'll always be a weird thing to do.

• Why the heck was Savannah keeping her negative test in a desk in someone else's room? Why not just throw it away? Like I understand not wanting Bertrand to know but this is just next-level bizarre. What's it supposed to be: "a keepsake of that time when I was not pregnant"?

• So now the plan is to figure out who took the other test and confirm any results from them. The rest of the bridal party (Penelope, Olivia and Kiara) are downstairs making small talk and discussing wedding fashion/traditions. You get references to Lythikos weddings ("all knives and crossbows", which is actually Kiara's disbelieving statement that Olivia confirms).

• Time for the wedding! And the MC needs to ask a woman from the court about this test, and quick.

• You'd think she'd zero in first on a girl who was already in a relationship but nope. Kiara it is. Even after she's told us enough times that she isn't dating nor does she want to. Asking KIARA this question first is a clear sign of lack of common sense.

@ Option 2: The writers seem to forget that this was a woman who didn't mind juggling both work and finding a suitor. Like...sure, she has a position in the palace now and her priorities may have changed but let's not forget that it's just as easy to give a girl like Kiki a phenomenal love interest in the time they took to lovingly plan a "reward" for Penelope 🙄 Just say you're too lazy to even try giving Kiara nice things that she more than deserves and go, PB.

• Savannah finally enters the venue, riding her horse Thunder and wearing a version of the RoE MC's free wedding dress that has wider straps. Bianca notices the saddle, surprised, and Savannah (in the only sequence where she makes 1/4th of an effort to support her partner in front of her shitty family) informs her that it was Bertrand who got it from the store for her. Bianca's way of repaying him for doing this is tears in the eyes and a whispered "thank you".

• You know that isn't enough, Bianca. You and your daughter stood by while your sister treated this guy like shit. You allowed him to suffer when he was the bridegroom in this entire wedding shindig, and let's not forget his money was what was supporting her in Paris when she didn't even keep in touch with anyone - including you. Yet you and your sister let your bias - fueled by other assholes - make it okay to treat him like this?

• Also, Cassidy's shop seems to be nearby and I'm pretty sure Bianca and Leona know him at least a little better than Bertrand or the MC do, if they sold a precious family heirloom to him. Why weren't they going and asking him, even after realizing how important the saddle was to Savannah? Surely they'd understand that he was a softie at heart, or at least they could have made an effort. Sure, pride could be a factor but this was a matter of Bianca's daughter's happiness...I guess actually doing something about it other than mope and brood isn't much of a Walker trait.

• Bartie Sr is yapping loudly without caring how he's disrupting the ceremony by doing so, and the MC needs to make a decision to keep him quiet. She can choose between Madeleine and Penelope:

- Madeleine: is clearly the option PB wants you to pick because they wrote her bit with Bartie quite well. Bartie Sr recognizes Madeleine as "Godfrey's little girl" and it's nice to see her distance herself from her father and reaffirm her authority beyond him. She also shuts the man down so fast he must have gotten whiplash.

- Penelope: is there. And thinks we're playing dumb charades in the middle of a wedding. Her poodles are smarter and eventually get the job done, because if you want something done, Penelope is the last person you should be asking.

• I've also learned from this sequence (and chapter) that the Choices fandom only needs the slightest, flimsiest excuse to like Madeleine. Like that's it. Kiara will be hated by some until the end of all time and have to go through hell to get even a tiny smidgen of respect, even. Forget about getting memes about how great Kiara is and how narrow-minded the people who dislike her are. Nah only the white woman gets that.

• Anyway, Bartie Sr shuts up, and the wedding is underway. Except Chuck decides now is a good time to object.

• It's cliché, it's stupid, it's totally what you'd expect at Savannah's wedding, but at least you get the option to say "fight! fight! fight!" with Olivia gleefully joining you and Liam going all "ffs ladies I'm trying to officiate here" 😂 For that alone this sequence is worth it.

• The option for Bertrand to "rise above Chuck with your eloquence" is nice, because Bertrand then makes it clear that the decision to be with him or not rests with Savannah, and Chuck disrespecting Savannah's wishes and choices is the real issue here. You get a minimal version of the same message with the more aggressive option, but the message is essentially "what Savannah wants is more important". I only wish that message went both ways coz for the most part I just never see the same amount of effort or consideration from her side.

• 🤦🏽‍♀ Jesus Pop-Tarts Eating Christ, Bertrand. YOU'RE NOT PAYING ME WELL ENOUGH FOR ME TO BE YOUR HUMAN-SIZED BACKUP THESAURUS.

• You have one eloquent choice, one cute one. But my favourite one is the one that focuses on Esther rather than the actual couple 🤣

- I miss hearing my duchy by name, okay? It's been said a couple of times in this book but still.

- "Daniel Henney" 😁😁😁😁😁

- This is revenge for that time when Savannah and Bertrand would have taken over the hype of my reception party for themselves except that I didn't pay the diamonds.

- I still don't understand why Esther is the reason this pair works when she hasn't done shit but okay, we'll roll with that. As long as this is the last time I hear about this version of events from either of them.

- Also pls now that they're married, just...let them stew in their awkward silences together for the rest of their lives. I don't want to be involved anymore. It's exhausting.

• Savannah's vows are really more about how she felt Bertrand was out of her league and how he welcomed her anyway etc etc. Hana and Maxwell pass the rings for Savannah and Bertrand respectively. Cue cute Bro-mont moment between Bertrand and Maxwell.

• Marriage solemized (😬). Now it's time to - as Maxwell puts it - PARTAAAY.

• This is not the first time we're seeing someone use Penelope's nickname (in the "she's not my bestie" option in Portavira, Emmeline calls her "Pen"). But it is the first time someone has used it by default in the books. Guess it's kind of a mark of the progress of the relationship, that Zeke has already begun calling her that.

• It's time for the bouquet toss, and as per Madeleine's suggestions also time to find out if this test belongs to either Penelope or Olivia. You have four options altogether:

- Penelope: grabs the bouquet, is happy, everyone believes this means she's next in line, and Madeleine is not very subtle about hinting that she may be pregnant so Penelope laughs at her and says no wonder Kiara calls her "an angry poodle" (somehow I think "poodle" wasn't the term Kiara wanted to be using there 😅...)

- Olivia: Doesn't catch, doesn't care, calls "Maddy" out on being nosy.

- MC: Really likes flowers.

- If the timer runs out before you choose someone, Kiara catches it. She also really likes flowers.

• I'm pretty sure a lot of this sequence is geared towards highlighting where in her relationship with Zeke Penelope is right now, since she is the only one who actually doesn't mind these "you're next" hints all that much. Next wedding for Book 2 must be hers (😑)

• I'm meh about the possibility, but at least maybe (if they're hosting anything in Castelserraillian) I'll get to see more of Kiara's estate and Kiara's parents - with some actual attention given to Kiara this time.

• You get to take your spouse aside and briefly talk to them, either telling them that you've "got it covered", tell them a little of what you're doing without disclosing the possibility of your pregnancy, or tell them it's complicated and can't really be said that quickly. I think the last two options have variations but idk about the first one.

I missed Maxwell's screenshot of the response to "invasive personal questions" thing coz I'm finishing this QT in a rush and wound up not asking anyone (sorry!), but if any of my wonderful Maxwell stan readers are still reading this I'd love to know!!

• I like that the MC can point out how invasive she's being, going around and quizzing people about the status of their uterus after complaining about everyone else doing the same thing. It's nice that you can see her understand that, otherwise it's always been "one rule for me and another for the rest of the world".

• Bartie Sr makes a toast that's all about him and his house and how proud he is of his son, and hardly about the couple. Istg he's worse than the toddler named after him.

• Speaking of Bartie Jr, he gets so excited about the cake he drives straight in, like that dude from Cold November Rain:

(I'm calling it, this is what Bartie Jr might possibly do as an adult, in the series that revolves around our kids all grown up, if there is one. "Kayyyyke!" He is a Beaumont, after all)

• Poor Blake is panicking, Bertrand is sad coz he wanted the perfect wedding cake for Savannah, Savannah is happy coz the writers are desperate to show us she isn't as whiny a person as she actually is.

• LMAO @ the LIs' responses to the MC wanting to scrape cake off a toddler.

• So Madeleine pulls the MC aside to tell her she's not pregnant because she has overheard that Savannah was taking one this morning. How...did she make that leap in logic?

• Overhearing Savannah say she took a pregnancy test only proves that one of the tests belonged to her. NOT that it would be automatically the positive one. Madeleine may be an established courtier but she lacks decent deduction skills and basic common sense. I should have called Olivia for this job gah. It's already canon that her deduction skills are better than Bastien and Drake's combined!

• We go back to our LI, and Bertrand and Savannah check in on us. Jess and Blake step in to alert us to another problem: the DJ's speakers has gone bust, and that means a Beaumont Bash with no dancing.

• Okay so...who are the ones actually staying on this semi-broke ranch, have been around longer, and would know the local bands in the area? Leona and Bianca. Who is the one finally making the effort of calling them to the party? US.

Who was the person who was holding Bartie and didn't manage to distract him before he destroyed an entire wedding cake? Bianca. Sure one cannot always tell with a toddler, but the least you do when that happens is apologize since you were the one in charge, rather than simply standing there and saying "oh dear".

Who sold the saddle to Cassidy? Leona and Bianca. Who probably has had more experience talking to people in that shop? Leona and Bianca. Who made the effort to actually get back that saddle? Bertrand.

Even the wedding planners that they got were because Liam recommended them!

Like I see them putting such little genuine effort into all this, and the nobles they judged so much are ironically the ones who don't shirk away from helping them out even though they're not as well-equipped...yet Leona still thinks she has the right to whine about everything and Bianca is doing nothing much besides letting her sister treat everyone else like trash.

• Anyway, the MC makes the calls that Leona and Bianca should have been making if you choose the options, and you wind up with a band, some fun dancing from everyone else, and a private moment with your LI.

- Begins with everyone dancing and rejoicing, Bertrand and Savannah thanking the MC and if we choose Bertrand and Maxwell can carry us on their shoulders.

- The tune changes, everyone shows a signature step, and the MC can choose to make either Olivia, Bartie Jr, or the poodles dance:

* Poodles: Everyone is doubtful at first, but Penelope has given her poodles dance classes. Merlin and Morgana stand on their hind legs, bob to the music and then do flips in the air. More of Zeke and Pen acting like a couple who have taught these dogs together.

* Bartie Jr: is a Beaumont through and through, you can tell by the way he says "dance! dance! dance!" perfectly.

* Olivia: is skeptical about this and most of her dance moves are marital arts moves, so Hana steps in and dances with her so she can have fun with it. Meh. I know everyone else loved this scene (part of me thought it was cute too, no lie) but I'd rather not see Hana yet again be nice to someone who has held such shitty opinions of her (I'm sure people will jump in and say that Olivia was just "helping" to rile Lorelai up...but no. There were other ways she could have chosen to distract Lorelai, and she chose instead to talk of Hana with disrespect). Especially in Hana's case, Olivia isn't worth the effort.

- You get to choose the music (regal, fun, yeehaw) and get music from either TRR, TF or BSC. Hana also asks you to do a dance move (a high flip, a Dirty Dancing type lift with the LI, or good old faceplanting).

- "Now that's what I call a party!" Leona says. Yeah, Auntie Bitch, no thanks to you.

- Bianca and Drake speak about how much Jackson would have loved a party like this, which means IMO that he's definitely going to be a topic for discussion next chapter!

• Partners are coupling up, and it's time for a little dance with the LI:

- Liam: You start with a cute callback to Coronation Night ("I'm ready to do a lot more than dance"), whiiiich I think the writers show a little selective amnesia for, considering that after Liam says he remembers the last time she said that Esther replies that she wasn't able to act on it back then 😳 (PB I did buy that scene. She did act upon it. An hour after she said that. WTF are your writers smoking). They also joke lightly about how nice it is to see a wedding minus assassins.

- Hana: Very simple. Hana asks for a dance, you choose who leads, and you both dance gracefully as everyone watches appreciatively. The couple notice this, and the MC talks about how when Hana dances everyone talks notice, and Hana sweetly places her head against the MC's shoulder, telling her that the rest of the world falls away in front of her. I honestly wouldn't have minded even a vague reference to the Cordonian Waltz since if you chose that scene that would have been your first dancing experience with her. If you're giving Liam a dance reference, might as well give Hana one too, right.

- Drake: There's one bit I'll address here and another that I'll address a little later. Drake and the MC dance together and are the picture of elegance according to the narrative. This leads the MC to joke about the change in him, but Drake maintains he is still the same simple, rustic whiny asshole guy. The rest is about Bertrand and Savannah (mostly Savannah) which I will get to in a minute.

- Maxwell: The couple dance a little, Maxwell compliments her moves, after which he thanks her for saving this Beaumont party with the music. He then lightly kisses the MC because she makes him so happy. I'll talk about the Betrand Savannah part now.

- Drake and Maxwell: Okay, I'm clubbing these two together because in extension to talking about their relationship with the MC, they also get to talk about their siblings. Which is fair, because they're after all the brothers of the bride and groom:

(First five screenshots are from The HIMEME Channel Drake playthrough, and the next four are from the rash rec Maxwell playthrough)

I don't mind that they get to talk about the couple. They're the family of the couple. They're bound to be personally invested in a way Liam and Hana may not be.

But read these screenshots and tell me you don't see a huge difference in the way these two talk about their own siblings. Tell me you don't see more attention being given to one while the other one essentially gets barely two lines to talk about literally the same thing. Tell me how it makes sense for Drake's wife to make a reference to family, and not for Maxwell's wife who has also seen and learned similar lessons about family in a shorter span of time (esp with Bartie Sr's return).

Drake - for the umpteenth time - has dialogues that are more personal and specific to him, that emphasize more on the importance of family. He's the one who talks about Bertrand never allowing himself to love Savannah, he's the one who envisions (for some reason that I can't fathom because this doesn't sound like the Savannah I've seen in the books) Savannah as this self-sacrificing figure, and he's the one talking about how the couple would have been "heartbroken without music". Maxwell's is pretty much "oh look now they're happy" - when he could have easily gotten a couple of lines about Beaumont Bashes and how parties like these are the only times Bertrand allows himself to let loose for example (it's true).

Someone once asked me how I knew the attention given to Bertrand was really about enriching Drake's storyline...this, among other things, is proof. This family story could have involved Maxwell instead of pushing him so far out of the narrative. This ordeal involved his family too. PB seems to constantly - and conveniently - "forget" that.

• Once this sequence is over, Savannah comes over to thank the MC for the things she's been helping with behind the scenes, and the MC can either congratulate her, or straightout ask her if she's pregnant. Either way, Savannah lets the MC know that she isn't pregnant, and she didn't want to stress Bertrand out unnecessarily with the news.

• Which means only one thing. WE ARE FINALLY PREGNANT!!

• So the next chapter is going to be about disclosing the news to the LIs and the other guests, and possibly to have Bianca's remaining issues aired out in the open, which may possibly lead to another flashback? Whatever it is, it's clear now that we'll be spending our final chapter in Texas this week.

General Thoughts:

• Sigh they just HAD to make Madeleine and Savannah the first to know, right?

• I don't have a lot of thoughts really that I haven't already shared. The next chapter seems promising because it's the big one, and it should be customized so each LI has a different reaction and/or a different story to tell related to how they view babies/family.

• Hana doesn't get a lot of space in this one - besides alerting the MC to stuff that could disrupt the wedding or dancing with people who verbally shit on her or minimal LI stuff (which for once...is okay, like her family isn't here and nor is Liam's which is why their dance scenes don't mention family that much), so she'd better get next-level amazing writing next chapter! So should Maxwell after they've done him dirty especially in the last 2-3 chapters.

• I was very happy to see some of our MCs get their well-deserved revenge by upstaging Savannah's dress with their Ana de Luca special. You guys are heroes and I love you 💜

• Ngl this chapter is one of those that reads better with the messier and more chaotic LI xD

• Sure Leona and Bianca have their own axe to grind with the Cordonian monarchy - and are justified in feeling that - but staying in their house has been painful. Painful. Worse then pulling out teeth. It's like the moment they provided housing and board for the guests they washed their hands off them and hardly put much effort into much else - instead had us do a significant amount of work for them.

• And let's not forget, Bianca/Savannah especially stood by and did nothing (though Bianca would make a few weak counterpoints when Leona insulted him) as Bertrand was being regularly humiliated and reminded of his inadequacies. Whatever problems Bianca had with the Crown, allowing her now son-in-law to be treated that way in her own home - with the barest minimum support - is unforgivable. If she didn't like the idea of him as a son-in-law she should have just refused to entertain the idea of Savannah marrying him, or told the couple to host it elsewhere. Bertrand shouldn't have had to make all that effort to do what Bianca or her sister didn't bother to do for Savannah, just to gain her approval.

• Yet somehow the Walkers are supposed to highlight to us the importance of family. How? All I see are a bunch of people who don't make much effort to look out for each other, and who depend on other people to take any initiative for the same.

• Nonetheless, I hope to see a difference in tone once we return to Cordonia in Chapter 14. (that's 9 chapters, people. Nine). There's other stuff left. More mysteries to unravel, more messy history, understanding what Olivia is upto and perhaps a visit to Monterisso at some point. There's always at least two-three main people we're expected to impress in a certain book (remember how we got our report card of performance from Justin, Francesco and Adelaide in TRR Book 2?). We've already had a chance to do this with the Auvernese, so Monterisso should be up next at some point. There's also some nursery stuff to purchase which I'm guessing will be done either slowly or in one go.

• Because there's so little time left with this book, and we already spent a huge chunk of it on the BertVannah wedding, there are going to be time jumps. Imagine the kind of time we would have had to explore this pregnancy plot properly instead of rushing it, if the writers weren't so busy drooling over all things Walker.

• Well. I can't deny I'm sorta kinda looking forward to this chapter. And the reactions from the LIs and other characters. I'm low-key excited.

• Until next chapter, folks!

Ali & Carly

Ali: [Weds night before her bday] Ali: woman you home Carly: not mine y? Ali: because ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY Ali: and I need to come bearing gifts Carly: now? k then Carly: ill get there before u Ali: you @ one of the lads then? Ali: no rush 'cept I do wanna be the first so like b4 midnight cinders 🎃👠 Carly: i werent born @ 12 tho & u kno that from doing my chart 🔮🌟 Carly: but ur so cute Ali: tru but Ali: i'm excited Ali: can't start the party without guest of honour 7 Carly: aw Carly: i wont take these 15 💊s yet 👼 Carly: we can party together Ali: 🎁? Carly: idk can u call it a 🎁 if u have to give back Ali: Boo 👎 Carly: not what he said when we were done Ali: 🙄 still Ali: not very festive of him Carly: idc its been fun Carly: coulda stayed in w ma & da but its not a retirement party in the works like Ali: for now Ali: but I got better plans than either Carly: yea? Ali: 'course Ali: who am I Ali: who are we Carly: 🐅💙🐇 Carly: i barely knew u on my last bday 😢💔 Ali: it's insane Ali: you're so important and integral to me how did we not get together before then Ali: I'm not the only one with plans tho 🌌💕 Carly: too many lads to swap first ha Carly: i kno my ma has been planning all wk but idk cuz shes learned to be subtle somehow Carly: must b her new man teaching her things Ali: Eskimo sisters for life, baby 😂 Ali: 👀 come thru shaz Ali: sounds promising Carly: 🤞🌌🔮 Ali: not her new man, obvs Carly: hes no cavante tho still only a few yrs older Ali: if I beat you I'll hit her up for the scoop Carly: 🍀 Ali: 😬 Ali: I guess we've got her answer for the age old experience vs stamina Carly: could b where i left her wine drunk in the hot tub still Carly: falls asleep there more than the marital bed Carly: mermaid energy ha Ali: not wine drunk Ali: worse energy than coke rage, I swear Ali: watch out cat lady, protect your children Carly: aw ill look after them Ali: 👼 Ali: I'll take any bday bumps for you 💪 Carly: never liked coke or wine soz ma if thats my 🎁 Carly: still my hero 💙 Ali: those people are the worst Ali: lemme buy something for me and give it to you Ali: no sharon THAT IS NOT 👏 IN 👏 THE 👏 SPIRIT 👏 OKAY 👏 Carly: my gma does that every yr! xmas too Carly: so boring unwrapping that bible each time Carly: good rolling paper tho Ali: 😂 Ali: the lord is in you, it's what she wanted Ali: just in your lungs but you know Carly: ha Carly: what r u bringing me boo? Ali: don't you want the surprise babe Carly: idk last time u really surprised me it was w a divorce so u could get ur man Ali: 😥 Carly: 😂 jk u kno i love surprises Ali: just devastated you're calling me predictable for the last, how many months Ali: cut me deep, birthday girl Carly: i dont surprise easy Carly: y the lads like me Carly: dont b sad baby Ali: never Ali: not when there's partying to be done Carly: yay Ali: and a 👸 to celebrate Carly: ur sweet 🍬🍭 Carly: i dont look like a princess rn Carly: no running away Ali: you always do Ali: even when you running from ogres Carly: ur gonna make me look worse when im crying too Ali: meant to save them for the party Ali: but I'll never tell Carly: ha its been a few yrs since a bday tantrum Carly: really had to wait for that bike tho Ali: and #werk baby Ali: you were as adorable then, how your parents didn't spoil you is a mystery to me Carly: ask them if u do get here before me Carly: but before i was medicated i wasnt as 👼 could b the answer Ali: lecture 'em on how wrong they were, more like Carly: ur a bias little 🐱💙 Carly: & u didnt kno me then even if u do remember i grew into my 👂s Ali: 😂 Ali: well I never grew into my 👁s and my 'tudes no better either and you still love me so Ali: deal with it, Walsh 😜 Carly: aw u were the cutest 👶 Carly: & u get cuter every yr Ali: hey, don't spoil my heartfelt message in your card! Ali: 😏 Carly: im sorry Carly: ill have 1 for the road & forget Ali: I think one of the boys just catcalled me without offering to give me a ride in their white van/carriage Ali: see me struggling here lads, is that part of the appeal? probs Carly: which y? ill threaten to uninvite him from the party Carly: 1* Ali: not the kinda bitch to resort to racism 'cos I'm mildly upset or angered but they really be looking the same behind the wheel of a transit, like Ali: think it was one of Ronan's brothers? Ali: and in fairness, never slept with you so whaddya owe me, kind sir Carly: ha Carly: if he could see & be seen @ the wheel then i reckon i kno Carly: & i have slept w him so he will b 💔😢 if he cant celebrate w me Ali: my hero 💚 Carly: 💙 Carly: been thru every1 old enough in that fam now ha Carly: gonna have to move like Ali: I wish I could tell you the surprise was a hot new fam Ali: alas Ali: wouldn't fit them on my back, like Carly: 😢💔 Ali: I've let you down Ali: how could I Ali: gonna eat my feelings 🎂 Carly: 🍯🐝 no Carly: never Ali: what's the dresscode for this shindig then Carly: idk not allowed to go w bday suits Carly: my da overruled me Ali: gotta whittle down my knock you dead options Ali: even with those stifling guidelines, tah Mr Walsh, I should manage it Carly: i believe in u baby Ali: 👼👼👼 Carly: im back btw Carly: used my wings mayb Ali: damn Ali: was really hopinh for some 1x1 with your ma Carly: she will scoot over in bed for u Carly: not just me who misses u Ali: awh Ali: can we convince her to give you your present early or nah Ali: I say yeah Carly: me too so 2 votes Carly: my da will b asleep too deep to cast his even if she says no weve outnumbered her Ali: 💪 Ali: I'll put the phone down and run Ali: gimme 5 Carly: k Carly: be careful tho Carly: some of the 💡 r out Ali: 👌 Ali: my middle name Carly: fun is ur middle name Carly: how many do u have? Ali: as many as you want Ali: 😉 Ali: but just the one, actually Carly: hot Carly: u can have 1 of mine then wed both have 2 each Ali: are you actually 👑 Carly: my ma wishes Carly: queen of the site tho Carly: ha Ali: I've not bought her a crown Ali: not soz Carly: its k shes got her prom tiara somewhere Ali: memories 🎶 Carly: am i gonna peak before 18 too? Ali: never Ali: only way is 📈 baby Carly: u make me feel really happy u kno Ali: ☀🌻🍓🍯🐝🐰 Ali: it's mutual boo Carly: im crying Carly: & smiling Carly: its the 💊s ma Ali: it's the 💘 Ali: she gets it Carly: aw Carly: yea shes really 💘 w the lad from the chemist Carly: knocking our 💙 off the top Ali: can't be having that Ali: got all weekend to prove we're 🥇 Carly: til ur bf shows up Ali: nuuh Ali: it's all about you Carly: ur so nice to me Ali: you'll see feel and believe it ✨ Carly: 🔮🌌 Carly: r u gonna stay? Ali: can I? Carly: yea Ali: then yeah Carly: aw ur my 🎁 Ali: I haven't copped out that hard, don't worry Ali: come help me Ali: not very gentlemanly of me but I wanna be with you before we've gotta hear about the prom queen's glory days Carly: k Carly: 💪💙

Crush (part 5)

Pairing: Jensen X Reader Summary: Jensen has a crush on you. Warnings: none. Jensen spent the majority of the entire next week texting you and listening to the little 10 second clip of you singing in the trailer for your movie. You had such a lovely voice, it sent deep shivers rippling through Jensen’s body with the first note.

You weren’t entirely sure why Gen had decided to give Jensen your number, but you were in no way mad at her for doing so. You had spent a lot of time talking to him. You two mostly texted back and forth, in your spare time, but every now and again he’d call you and you two would just talk on the phone; it was nice. It was also a little weird. You didn’t really know Jensen and yet, you already felt so comfortable being around him.

It was about 6:30 the next morning when you met up with Nina, handing her a coffee and a blueberry muffin. You both sat in tired silence on the mat in the gym, eating slowly. She had went to a viewing party that you had been invited to last night, you two stayed out way later than you had intended and had gotten incredibly drunk. For you, a blueberry muffin and coffee were the best hangover cure. “I hate you,” she murmured, laying back on the mat with her arms spread. You laid with her, spreading your legs as wide as you could, making a starfish out of your body, “I hate myself too,” you groaned, lifting your shirt up to expose your stomach and cover your eyes. “Why are we awake?” she whimpered, rolling onto her stomach and putting her arms over her head. You let out a big yawn followed by a small sigh, “Because you have other clients to buff up and I have to follow a schedule.” You two laid in painful, comforting silence before getting up to start your training.

Your training day begins simple. You stretch for ten minutes to make sure you don’t pull a muscle, five minutes of jumping jacks, five minutes of push ups and five minutes of pull ups. After that, you get into the more intense stuff. Your work-out, in particular, included tractor tires and heavy chains. With the chains, you do fifteen minutes of lunges with the chains all over your body, and fifteen minutes of sit-ups with the chains. The tractor tires were a little more harsh than the chains, since they weighted a considerable amount more than the chains. There were triceps dips, tire jumps, toe touches and so many more. Most of your time was really at the gym. No matter how much your hated it, you couldn’t stop going; you were training for a movie and you had to keep going. This movie was a full action packed movie and you had to be in the best possible shape of your life.

You had received a text from Gen, asking you to meet up for lunch at a small rinky-dink cafe that no one would be noticed at. You graciously accepted, telling her you’d meet her at 1, suddenly excited when she said that she had good news for you. You finished your work out at 10, giving you time to go home, shower and change and relax before you needed to meet your new friend for lunch. You were a little relieved that you’d actually met another woman in the same career as you that you actually liked. You didn’t have many friends that were actresses like you, once you became an established actress, everyone you met were very stuck up and it just didn’t fit well with your personality. Nina was great, she was your best friend in Vancouver, she wasn’t exactly a nobody as well. She’d worked with some of the biggest actors you’ve ever heard of. You had a few friends back home that you talked to nearly every day, that you were grateful for. You loved each of your friends, but it was nice to have someone who knew what you were going through in the acting world.

You left your house thirty minutes before you were supposed to meet Gen, giving you enough time to get there and get a table, but when you showed up she was already there with Jared and Jensen. “I fixed your problem!” she said happily, clapping her hands when you sat down across from her, next to Jensen. “I have a problem?” you asked, slightly confused. You gave a smile towards Jared as a hello, not wanting to be rude. “Remember? You were telling me the other day at brunch how your movie premier is this Friday and you didn’t want to go alone? Usually your brother or sister flies out to come with you, but their busy this year and Nina can’t make it because she has an important dinner with a client?” she rambled on, making you giggle as Jensen shook his head with a smile on his face. “Oh, yeah, that problem,” you said sarcastically. She rolled her eyes and smiled, glancing over at Jensen. You followed her gaze, shifting slightly in your seat to face him. “You? You wanna be my date to this shindig?” you asked, watching as the smile on his face grew as he chuckled. “I would love to, plus I get to see this movie for free. It looks pretty bad ass,” he admitted, shrugging his shoulders. Before you could say anything else, a waitress came over to take your drink orders and nearly fainted when she saw you. You gave her a soft smile, asking to take a picture with her when she stumbled over her own words. Jensen watched as you took out your phone, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and smiling widely as you took a few pictures. The poor girl had tears in her eyes when she told you how much she loved your movies, how she hoped to be as brave as you were. You said a few kind words to her, giving her a tissue to wipe her eyes, and signed a piece of paper for her, giving her a sweet little note. With a smile, she sniffled before taking your drink orders and leaving to fill them. “Thank you,” you said, being able to turn to Jensen. Raising his eyebrow, he gave you a confused look. Sighing, you shrugged your shoulders, “It’s mandatory that I go to this premier, I mean I am the main character. I really didn’t want to go alone, I get a little flustered at these things. It’ll be nice to have you there with me, so thank you,”  Jensen gave you a sweet smile, moving his hand under the table to squeeze yours. Once again, the second his skin came into contact with yours, it set you ablaze. The rest of lunch was spent with witty banter between the four of you, answering questions between all of you. You had admitted to Jared that you were nervous to be around him the first few times you saw him, because you were actually a very big fan of his, Gilmore Girls was actually your favorite tv show, to this day. Gen admitted that when she was younger she owned the box sets of your show, to which Jensen admitted that he too watched you on tv. Throughout everything, each joke, each conversation, Jensen kept his hand wrapped around yours, almost exactly like he had on movie night; except this time, you were the one tracing his skin with your thumb, giving him the same goosebumps you had. Tagging:  @akshi8278  @partytillthenightsout  @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester  @steggy4ever  @midnightsilver16830  @p3nny4urth0ught5  @kelsecope  @tokentransboy  @idk-life01  @buckybarnesishotaf  @4401Inc   @green-eyed-hunters  @alex2367  @internetgirl-12  @kaylynnw428 @unknown-chronicles Let me know if you wanna be tagged!

G-LO: Well, you did it again! A red-eye flight from LAX to JFK on Tuesday evening, an afternoon of eating and drinking in Midtown Manhattan on Wednesday afternoon followed by a 4 hour Kosher BBQ and whisky event in Battery Park at a little thing called Kiddushfest – World of Whisky, Brews, and Que, post-event whisky and cocktails at The Dead Rabbit, a MASSIVE slice of artichoke pizza in the West Village at 1AM, 2.5 hours of sleep, and then a 9AM flight from JFK to LAX on Thursday morning. What’s your secret???

AK: We can sleep when we’re dead. Or at work. The thrill of the whisky festival chase gets the adrenaline flowing. So we chase. And chase. And chase. Oh, and the thought of seeing you was a huge thrill. Zzzzzzzz…

G-LO: WAKE UP! No sleeping on the job!

AK: I’m awake now! Jeez! That was my good ear you were yelling into.

G-LO: And yes yes, whisky festivals always get the blood pumping. Though as we’ve said before, it’s less about the actual whisky, and more about the opportunity to see friends. Whisky is THE excuse for all of us to get together. It’s a catalyst for chrissakes!

AK: Oh, indeed, we’re surely at the point these days in our whisky journey to admittedly care more about the people we see, the sights and sounds, and the food. Cask Strength GlenOak 12 “The Overly Ryed Series”,  Single Barrel Old Whipper Snapper 18, and similar mean less now after realizing that all are overpriced, pretty horrible, and unnecessary. Whereas the friends we see at these events are none of those things.

G-LO: Whipper Snapper 18? I must have missed that one. I really should pack my reading glasses when I go to these things. I’m really glad you mentioned the food by the way! The NYC Jewbilee always took the food really seriously, so even though they’ve been mothballed for an undetermined length of time, I was very VERY pleased when we broke the news that their caterer, Ari White of The Wandering Que, was launching Kiddushfest to take its place. Mmmmmm….. BRISKET!

AK: Did someone say Brisket?  Mmmmmm…I so gloriously recall Jewbilee II that we attended at the West Side Jewish Center in Midtown Manhattan. The Center was packed with people. It was packed, hot, and sweaty. I didn’t know anyone except from this thing called the internet. For all I knew, you were were a 5’ 8” blonde bombshell in 8” stilettos and fishnet stockings. Boy, was I wrong! I was scared beyond the capacity for rational thought. But I was also overwhelmed by the smell of whisky and cholent. I felt like I was in my grandmother’s house in Inglewood, CA. All the fear left my body as I waited in line for Ari’s delectable offerings. My head basically exploded. Then my stomach. I might have the order wrong.

G-LO: Explosion is an ugly (and messy) word. How about if we describe your experience at the outstanding Jewbilee II as a food and whisky-gasm? Much more appealing, and a little naughty too. In a nice way. The tagline for Jewbilee II should have been, “Leaves you satisfied and yearning for more…”.

While Kiddushfest was built around the same framework as the Jewbilees of Yore (that sounds like the name of a new BBC mini-series, no?), going from the West Side Jewish Center and Studio 450 (home of NYC Jewbilees III through VII) was quite a big change. We went from the hustle and bustle of Midtown Manhattan and the monolith that is Penn Station and Madison Square Garden to the just slightly less hustley and bustley area of Battery Park. In a way, we went back to the beginning, i.e. back to where the first settlements of what was once called New Amsterdam took place.

AK: Found this in my research (i.e. Wikipedia) on the origins of Battery Park as a public space in the 1840s:

Proponents said that the park would serve three purposes: abetting good health, improving the behavior of the “disorderly classes”, and showcasing the refinement of the city’s elite.  

Well, my brand of public policy and civic benefit clearly believe that Kiddushfest is a great example of all three of those. Ok, maybe not the second one and the third one is kind of iffy but I’m sure we’re in way better health after the event. Who doesn’t feel better after a night of whisky and BRISKET?!

G-LO: While I can’t speak for you and your delicate constitution, I can speak for my very robust, Sicilian constitution, and let me tell YOU, I felt fan-freaking-tastic after Kiddushfest! I am quite confident in saying that the heady mix of yummy vittles, bottomless pours of The Water of Life, and delightful company in a picturesque waterfront location left me feeling refreshed and ready to take on The Town. Ok, so maybe not the WHOLE town, but I was definitely ready for a couple cocktails and some late-night snacks. And speaking of yummy vittles, you spent quite a bit of time speaking with the orchestrator of said yumminess, i.e. Sir Ari White! What was that all about?

AK: First off, my constitution is as robust as anyone!

Narrator: It wasn’t.

G-LO: Who was that???

Narrator: This was true. He was clueless.

G-LO: OK, that’s just freaky. I’m feeling like the Priest in Season 2 of Fleabag right now whenever that 4th wall was broken!

Narrator: But not as freaky as this blog.

AK: I’m forging ahead, pretending it’s one of the many voices in my head. Where were we?

G-LO: Ari White and The Wandering Que.

AK: Sounds like a band I’d like to be in. Talking to Chef White about smoky heaven. He can get all bbq nerdy or meaty egalitarian with ease. I’ve been nerding out on The Gospels of Aaron (Franklin) and Steven (Raichlen) as of late, trying to change my life, and make the perfect brisket on my Weber Kettle. Talking to Ari is another step in the process. And from a whole different angle since he cooks Kosher meat. But let’s not get too deep in the coals.

G-LO: You and your goddamn Brisket! I’m still holding out for an invite to the next West Coast Office Brisket & Whisky Fest. Bastard.

AK: First, it’s G-d damn Brisket. Let’s be respectful, you heathen. And second, my table always has a place for Elijah the Prophet, Scarlett Johansson, and you.

Madame Skiver-Barton enjoying a smoke and a whisky.

G-LO: I only heard bits and pieces of your Q-chat with Ari. While you two were talking, I was also listening to the Whisky Advocate peeps (Susannah and her Minions) discuss some stories that they were working on. I may be an eavesdropper, but I ain’t no multitasker! Especially when it comes to listening to two conversations at the same time. Tell me more about this Que-chat with Ari.

AK: Oh, we chatted about pink butcher paper, Aaron Franklin, wood, smoke, bark, cooking for a large group.  You know, regular stuff. Probably the same stuff Ms. Skiver-Barton was going on about. You know how she is. She gets rolling on a topic and before you know it, you’re in the North Carolina weeds lost amongst the sycamores and fist-sized bugs wondering where the nearest fillin’ station is.

G-LO:  Please, don’t even get me started on that Skiver-Barton woman. You know how it goes with those hyphenated last name people. Trouble with a capital “T”! Yes, I know that rhymes with “P”, and that that “P” rhymes with pool. But this ain’t River City, Pal! And we’re not talking about starting a marching band for wayward youth. We’re talking whisky and BBQ! And Madame of The Hyphenated Last Name most definitely knows her way around a North Carolina BBQ pit and a whisky distillery, so yes, we were most definitely in the weeds that night, but thankfully, the bugs weren’t so bad, and they were nowhere near fist-sized. What the hell were we talking about again???

AK: There may be nothing scarier than a hungry Susannah Skiver-Barton (aka SSB or Super Sonic Barton for short) waiting in line for brisket. The stomping of sensible shoes was surprising, I must say. I expected the drooling since I was too and, to be factually correct, we were standing by the door to the kitchen with the wafting of barbecue coming our way. Who wouldn’t drool? C’mon!

G-LO: Drool is such an ugly word. It’s right up there (or right down there depending upon your perspective) with moist. I prefer to say that our mouths were watering, and that the brisket was juicy and delicious. You know, cause it really was!

All this talk about brisket is making me hungry. Again! Let’s talk a bit about the whisky. Thoughts on the selections? Was there anything that really tickled your fancy? I mean, I certainly wasn’t gonna tickle your fancy! There’s a Mrs. West Coast Office for that bit of funny business.

AK: You’re such a tease. Well, we knew that Ari’s food would be A+ and it was! I might have had a couple of helpings of brisket. Only my tailor knows for sure. But we had no idea (at least I didn’t) what the whisky offerings might be. Seeing Señor Joshua (née Jose) Hatton downstairs manning the IMPEX-JVS booth made us muy happy. Kilchoman, Port Askaig, Penderyn, and Single Cask Nation offerings!  Woohoo! There was one table that was confusing. Port Ellen, Laphroaig, old Macallan and more!!! Butttttt….that was for some kind of raffle that I didn’t quite understand. There was also an odd table of some spirits from Gardena, CA(!). Now this intrigued me if only because Gardena is where this chap started out in life. Who knew the little bedroom community has a distillery? Or does it? We need to research.

G-LO: I am most definitely a tease. I’m the teasiest tease that ever teased. You know who isn’t a tease? Señor Hatton! He’s no tease. He aims to please. He brings the whisky AND delivers one hell of a hug! While he and IMPEX-JVS definitely delivered The Goods, I gotta say, there were some significant holes in the whisky selections when compared to the last Jewbilee we attended. Wassup with that, Bro?

Joshua “Yo Yo Yossi!” Hatton of Single Cask Nation, IMPEX-JVS, and The One Nation Under Whisky Podcast

AK: Upstairs at Battery Gardens… did we mention where we were for this shindig?… there were plenty of spirit tables. Well, about 20, I’d guess. Mostly names we knew but definitely some unfamiliar ones like the tequila table whose name escapes me. It was great to see Laws Whiskey House from Denver. I love their Rye. Señor Hatton turned me onto them at Jewbilee in Chicago-bang bang. And who doesn’t love Compass Box? Corsair had a table too. But I was hoping for more Scotch names. My guess is that it’s hard starting up a new festival and getting commitments from brands to attend.

G-LO: You’re right! We did NOT mention the venue. Battery Gardens was the name. Battery Park is where it’s at. While I definitely enjoyed what was on offer, I can’t help but be a bit chagrined by what wasn’t there, i.e. Ardbeg, Laphroaig, Glenmorangie, The Balvenie, Glenlivet, Glenfiddich, Lagavulin, Talisker, The Glenrothes, and many many more. I’m sure you’re right about the difficulty in getting brands to sign up for a new event, especially in a hyper competitive markets like New York where they’re constantly doing promotional work. I also think that part of the problem stems from the fact that whisky is HOTT (that’s right, HOTT with two Ts!) right now, so well known brands probably get less impact from events like this. On the flipside, there’s no shortage of new brands out there, so if you can’t get the established brands, why not go for the up and comers? Speaking of up and comers, it was neat to see the Heaven’s Door whiskies at the event. While what I tasted from them was pretty good, it’s the artwork on the bottles that really blew me away. Me likey the pretty shiney packaging!

AK: I’m no Bob Dylan fan, but the artwork on his Heaven’s Door bottles was pretty cool. And yes, H-O-T-T, Baby! That’s what whisky is these days. And I’ve seen the lack of brands at shows here in LA too. It’s depressing. I was at show and there was a winery with a booth. They were pouring a wine that had rested in a bourbon barrel. That might be stretching the product definition a wee bit. I think for Ari & Co. it will be an ongoing effort to bring in bigger names, and if anyone can do it, he can. I can’t imagine the logistics of putting on this type of event and all the tentacles that need slaying.

G-LO: I’m sure it’s a royal pain in the ass to get brands to sign up, and if anyone knows from royal pains in the ass, it’s me. Mostly cause I am one. Kudos to Ari & Co. for fighting the good fight and making our NYC Whisky event in June dreams come true! There’s definitely room for improvement with regards to the whisky selections, but I’d say he nailed it with the venue, venue location, and food. And with regards to the food, I know we talked up the brisket quite a bit (and deservedly so!), but I gotta admit, the Kosher fish dishes on the ground floor were nothing to sneeze at! Love the Salmon Pastrami, and a few of those herring dishes were quite delicious, especially the one with the Israeli spices. Molto molto buono!

AK: OMG!, as the kids say. The smoked salmon and herring from The Rebbe’s Choice. Can I just roll around in that stuff for 7-10 days with crackers nearby? May G-d bless us all with this on our plates. Baruch HaShem. I believe you speak of the za’atar spices which are a must for the home or office. Ask for it by name. Accept no substitutes.

G-LO: You know what would be awesome? Getting Ari’s perspective on this whole Kiddushfest thing which he is definitely turning into #AThing. Do you think two can-do guys such as ourselves can make that happen?

AK: Let me wave my magical barbecue tongs…POOF!

G-LO: Wait… Magic??? I thought magic died when Claudia Schiffer and David Copperfield broke up. Tell us more about these magical barbecue tongs of yours. Can they make a perfectly cooked smoked brisket appear at any time? You know, the kind with the perfectly burnt, burnt ends, bark, smoke ring, and juicy center. Can they also make pitchers of sweet tea and bottles of vintage Port Ellen appear? If so, work your magic, Mr. Blaine, and make that Wandering Que interview magically appear before our eyes! Are you an “Abracadabra” or a “Hocus Pocus” kinda conjurer? Or do you just let your hands and those tongs do the talking? You know, like a Marcel Marceau type. Friggin mimes.

AK: Jeez, I wanted Teller, and I get Penn. Chill, Houdini!  Wait for it…

Fade to wavy visual with eerie piano music…

We spoke to organizer and master barbecuer, Ari White, via e-mail on various topics including Kiddushfest, event planning, the Jewish side of whisky festivals, and barbecue!

AK: Ari, great event! We were excited to be there for the first one!  How did Kiddushfest come about and what made you decide to jump into the whisky festival world?

Ari White (aka The Wandering Que or TWQ): Going back 11 years, my wife Gemma and I threw our first Kosher whisky festival which grew into a series of catered paired Whisky Dinners, Burns Suppers and the like around NYC.  I first met Mark Gillespie at our first one (click the following link and listen to one of Mark’s early podcasts:  http://whiskycast.libsyn.com/whisky-cast-episode-134-march-2-2008) where a young newly married me gushes while my blushing bride talks about her grandfather rubbing her teeth with whisky (swirling a Straithisla ’64 in her glass). The events were high end, pour lists epic, and locations varied. It was within the midst of those early whisky dinners that [Whisky Advocate magazine’s] WhiskyFest made their fatal move, and we were connected to Joshua Hatton in Single Cask Nations’ infancy. It was love at first dram, the rest is history.

Editor’s Note: Whiskyfest was held on a Friday night in New York City back in 2012. Since this is the beginning of the Jewish Sabbath, many of the local Jewish community could not attend. Single Cask Nation saw this as an opportunity to bring a high-quality whisky festival to the New York while not excluding the Jewish community by having their new event – Whisky Jewbilee – on a Thursday night initially.

AK: For sake of conversation, let’s assume you’re a whisky drinker (HA!), when did you start your whisky journey?

TWQ: I grew up down in the West Texas town of El Paso. Cheap Mexican beer and tequila were the wet nurses of my youth. In college, my horizons expanded to include bourbon, based more on price point then pomposity, I reckon. At 23, passing through the World of Whiskies in London’s Heathrow Airport as newlyweds, we were tasked with spending a £100 note on our first bottle. The statesmanlike salesman named Michelle spent an hour (at 8:00 am) sampling with us before we settled on a 25-year-old Glenmorangie for 75 quid (he called it a “lady’s dram”) [and] leaving room for a Glenfarclas 17 to boot. He gifted us a leather-encased flask that I still carry for kiddush on Shabbat today.

We called East 109th Street our home back then, across the cultural divide left behind at 96th Street. South of that border, Shabbat and Hashkama [morning prayers] Kiddushes at Congregations Orach Chaim and Kehilath Jeshurun [on New York’s Upper East Side] never ever disappointed with pours the likes of Springbank 33’s, Port Ellens, and countless single barrels of all ages every single week after services, maybe a few times in between, who’s to say?!

AK: What’s your go-to dram?

TWQ: Asking for a go-to dram is like saying what song do I like on the radio. Punk rock of young Kilchomans do me pretty right. With that said I’ve got a finger of Tamdu 001 left as I finish this second question.

AK: Putting together any large event like a wedding, bar mitzvah, or whisky festival takes a lot of planning. After three b’nai mitzvahs in my house, I know! Tell us about your plan of attack for Kiddushfest.

TWQ: Large scale events is what we do, day in and day out, year-round at the Wandering Que and for the last 13 years under Gemstone Catering. The logistics of this beautiful Hudson River waterfront beat the crap out of what we had to go through the last half-decade pulling off Whisky Jewbilee at Studio 450’s penthouse and its one service elevator.

AK: How did you assemble your team and the roles that they played?

TWQ: The team assembled itself when friends and industry colleagues alike stepped up to the plate offering their help in everything from vendor hunting and social media marketing, to day of ticket check-in, and swag bag assembly. It takes a village. With way too many to name, I’d be remiss to not mention Ari and Leah Cohen who just went way above and beyond any level of normalcy to make the evening a success.

AK: Whisky Jewbilee became iconic as a hardcore whisky-centric show. Your amazing food only added to the festival’s high regard in the community. We’ve been to many expensive festivals with pretty sad food offerings that leave us…hungry! But the boys of SCN (Jason and Joshua) have “moved on” from it, leaving a sad void in the festival world. Why do you think Whisky Jewbilee succeeded and how do you see Kiddushfest filling that void to the whisky community?

TWQ: The Jewbilee made everybody happy. The vendors loved the exposure to a knowledgable purchasing market segment that based a year’s purchases on to what they would be informed of that night. The kosher crowd loved access to events of that caliber where they could drink AND eat everything making a $100++ ticket price easier to wash down. #BrisketChaser. The food was always just the hook; it was the bonus of putting on our own festivals. Bless Joshua. The guy is a vegetarian and still enabled my brisket and sausage debauchery every year.

What really set the Jewbilee aside in my book was the accessibility to the brands and their ambassadors in comparison to all the larger or more established festivals already on the circuit. Our crowd was always engaged and curious rather then just on the road to drunken dipshittery. The venue was iconically NYC with 360° rooftop views and cigars to boot.   It became the best bang-for-the-buck kosher event in NYC hands down and even when everyone laughed at the Jewbilee for moving to the middle of the summer, nothing could stop us from selling out year after year. I knew we were doing something right when over a third of our tickets were being sold to non-Jewish Kosher keeping guests. It put us nose to nose with the biggest festivals NYC has ever hosted. [With Kiddushfest] even with a space expandable to over 1,000 guests, we are totally set on keeping the size approachable and mob mentalities at bay.

AK: Jewbilee was created as a whisky festival “by and for whisky geeks”. It was an event that whisky brands wanted to be at. What’s the strategy for Kiddushfest to get those names to attend in the future?

TWQ: This was by far and large our biggest challenge this year. With a glut of new festivals popping up every year in both the non-kosher and kosher food scenes, I totally appreciate many brands’ main challenge is choosing which ones bring back the best ROI. Any hope that my involvement in the Jewbilee from its inception would guarantee the same excitement was quickly dashed. With a new location and new name we were on our own and starting from scratch. There were enough vendors excited to not lose this summer event that we had some great momentum from the get-go. With 12 months to plan next year’s Kiddushfest rather then the 12 weeks we pulled the last one off in, I’m excited to say we’ll fill all 40 brand tables with 15 more breweries and ciders outside.

AK: I’ve yet to use the words “Kosher” and “Jewish” (but YOU have!). They are important in the discussion, especially for an event called Kiddushfest. Tell me how you see the cultural and religious aspects to the festival, and your thoughts on bringing in a wider audience.

TWQ: There is a rogue element within the observant world that get together for a quick dram on the Sabbath. They get together between and sometimes just maybe during the prayer services. On the one hand, they often catch flack for the time and place chosen for these rendezvous. On the other hand. they are for many of us, the one short chance to catch up with old and new friends with or without a Highland Park and piece of herring. No different then the Kiddush Club #safespace we built at the Whiskey Jewbilee, Kiddushfest was very [much] modeled around the same Sabbath-like setting complete with Smokehouse cholent, potato kugels and yapchik (mind-blowing, look that one up)  [We did…  https://www.kosher.com/recipe/potato-flanken-kugel-yapchik-6966]. We aimed to create an environment where friends could get together, without ditching the family or Rabbi’s sermon.

I wouldn’t call the festival a religious one. I do hope that the values that we have tried to embrace show with this [festival] bear fruit.  I am proud that we were able to raise $4,000 that evening for our two charity partners.  I can’t imagine too many other whisky festivals where a group of 50 guys would go outside at 9pm past the cigar bar and riverside cabana facing east to pray Ma’Ariv – the evening service – before diving right back in for the last 30 minutes of the show. Cholent [Jewish comfort food] is the original melting pot, [and] it fits the NYC scene just fine. I love that we have had such large numbers of women attendees and was thrilled with the large groups of non-Jewish guests as well. I hope it means we are doing a few things right.

AK: Let’s talk barbecue. It’s obvious that this is your happy place being from Texas. Barbecue and Kosher are generally not words you hear together too often!  How did you get into it? How did The Wandering Que start? How many events do you do in a year?

TWQ: Shit, Hoss, that’s a horse of another color! Wood smoked BBQ is like home for me, and moving up to NYC all those years ago I got homesick. There wasn’t so much as a lick of smoke in anything they were calling BBQ up here 10 years ago in the kosher world. I’m glad to say those days are done with the fires of southern cooking burning low and slow everywhere. Having grown up in a town without any kosher food (way before the days of Food Network), I am fortunate to play Johnny Appleseed traveling around the Tri-State, smoking up one community at a time before hitting the road to do it all over again. We cater well over 100 events a year with our BBQ and Charcuterie products now going into supermarket and gourmet food stores all over the country. Throw in five kids under the age of 11.  Sleep is highly overrated.

AK: You were in Philly the weekend after Kiddushfest. The Wandering Que travels!  How do you take your show on the road?! Do you have a food truck type of set-up?

TWQ: I do have two offsite BBQ Setups and teams. One is based around a 7,000 lb. 18′ offset stick burner BBQ pit by Gator Pit in Houston Texas. The other is our new 28′ BBQ Concession Trailer which is a little more closely related to a food truck, just minus the truck part and 3 times the size with an 8′ porch sporting a two ton Hog Cooker from Bubba Grills. And we have spent the last two years installing and building out my new kitchen to operate an Oyler 1300 by J&R Manufacturing in Mesquite Texas. It has an 1,800 lb capacity and runs entirely on burning wood. It’s a game-changer for me and by the Grace of God, I get to turn it on for the first time in 10 days after our final inspections by our local Departments of Building, Fire, and Health.

We travel far and wide hitting street fairs, music festivals, [as well as] private, corporate, and charity events. I run out of china at 700 people and we have served as many as 1,500 over a six-hour service. My pit crew and team are hardcore and I would be remiss (again) to not mention Samba, Joe, One-Stop, Lala, Mario and the STAR-K for being the real superheroes that make really make the magic happen.

AK: Last question for the barbecue nerds: What type of wood is your wood of choice?

TWQ: My favorite wood to smoke with is Pecan leaving me plum outta luck up here. We generally burn oak, cherry, and maple. I love any fruit wood I can get my hands on.

AK: So Kiddushfest #1 (or Echad) is in the books. The gates are closed! How do you think it went? What are the areas you’d like to work on for Kiddushfest #2 (or Steim)?

TWQ: The night’s early piss poor weather forced us to abandon the outdoor space and reset everything upstairs to include the dozen booths and our entire Wandering Que food station. [A] logistical nightmare I’d love to circumvent next year with blue skies, please. With that said, the venue was stunning and [we’ve been] invited back next year already where we are shifting back to the Thursday night model. The vendors seemed thrilled with both the turnout and the level of engagement. An interesting observation one pointed out to me was that at no point in the night did they have an empty table.  I look forward to expanding the beer garden next year as well to really take advantage of that outdoor space. With room for another 200 people next year, I also look forward to doubling the numbers of [whisky] on the pour. Small things come to mind: digitized check-in, printed pour lists in advance, much more water on the floor, spit buckets, beef ribs, and world peace. All pretty doable after smokin’ them Beef Ribs.

AK: Amen!  Ari, mazel tov on Kiddusfest I and thanks for taking some time to chat. We hope to be there for next year’s and all of the future ones.

TWQ: It’s 2:00 am and my Tamdu is long since turned over, so I’ll wish y’all a hearty l’Chaim and my thanks for all the love along the way, not just this year but for the many past as well.  It’s been a great trip so far, I’m excited to see what we get to share together along the long road to come.

_____________________________________________________________________

Many thanks to Ari White for taking the time answer our questions and for the media pass hook-up to this Que-tastic event!

It's #Kiddushfest Chat-time w/ @AaronMKrouse and Ari White of #TheWanderingQue! #BBQ #Whisky G-LO: Well, you did it again! A red-eye flight from LAX to JFK on Tuesday evening, an afternoon of eating and drinking in Midtown Manhattan on Wednesday afternoon followed by a 4 hour Kosher BBQ and whisky event in Battery Park at a little thing called…

Firefly, 18. I will be merciful and accept characters who were only in "Serenity."

Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to find 18 characters that had left an impact on me after so long?! I literally went to the Wikipedia page and just scrolled through characters, googling images of names I recognized until I got 18.

I love you, sister, but fuck you. XD

18. Dr. Caron Literally, she’s on here because I like Sarah Paulson.

17. Adelai Niska Creepy Russian mob boss dude. I vaguely remember him.

16. Fanty & Mingo Oh yeah. The hot twin guys. They were cute.

15. Mr. Universe I remember him being pretty cool. Also, I’d seen one episode of Numb3rs before I watched Firefly, so I kinda recognized him from something else.

14. Nandi Yeah. She was hot too.

13. Jubal Early Oh yeah! That’s the guy who snuck onto the ship and--somehow politely--threatened to rape Kaylee if she tried to warn the others that he was there. Weird dude. Really weird dude.

12. Badger Mark Sheppard’s just a charismatic dude. Also, when River calls him out on his bullshit by mimicking his accent. XD Priceless.

11. Jayne Cobb He’s just barely enough of a decent guy to make it on this list. Barely.

10. Blue Gloves Two by two, hands of blue. God, they were creepy.

9. The Operative Hey Mordo! I-I mean... >.> Actually, tbh, he was a pretty cool character.

8. Simon Tam Alright. Actually starting to get into the characters I actually like. Hey Simon. Cinnamon roll.

7. Shepherd Derrial Book I feel bad putting him this low on the list (RIP Ron Glass). But he got kinda overshadowed by most of the other crew. :-/ Also, I greatly appreciate Joss Whedon being able to write Christians without making them seem preachy and annoying, especially someone like Shepherd, who is basically a pastor.

6. Malcolm Reynolds Even after having already seen Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, Nathan Fillion will forever be Mal to me. He was so quick-witted and funny, but he also knew when to take it back to seriousness. He’s a good actor. I wish he got paid more.

5. River Tam Sorry, Emma. The Tams don’t make it higher than 5. While I absolutely ADORE the simultaneous deadliness and scared vulnerability that River portrays, I feel like we spent too much time focusing on how weird she was and less on who she now has become as a person. Maybe if we’d gotten a second season, she’d be higher on the list. But, for what we got, she stays here.

(To be fair, that fight scene in Serenity with the Reavers is still KICKASS!!!)

4. Zoe Washburne I fucking LOVE Zoe. Not only do I love Zoe as a person, I love that she and Wash are never in power over one another. They take care of each other as equals. Usually with tv marriages (especially when it comes to the strong women with more masculine professions), one holds an unspoken power over the other. One spouse is the more dominant personality, while the other is more submissive. Zoe and Wash aren’t like that. Whedon actually specifically made an episode addressing this. He made Wash get jealous and tried to take a position of authority over her. Zoe allowed it (probably because she knew it would be a learning experience for him), and Wash quickly realized that’s just not how their marriage works. I just...I love that!!

Also, she’s a damn good soldier and an awesome right hand to Mal.

3. Hoban “Wash” Washburne HE’S STILL ALIVE, GODDAMNIT!!! Wash is easily one of the funniest characters in the show. His introduction in the series is legendary, still quoted to this day! And with good reason. Also, I love the episode with Saffron, where she’s trying to seduce him, and he basically goes, “I-I-I can’t sleep with you because I have an amazing wife. I do have an amazing wife. God, I love my wife. *gets knocked out*”

2. Inara Serra Hey Vanessa. Say hi to Deadpool for me. Anyway, I fucking love Inara. She’s so goddamn cool. I wish I could say more, but I risk going into a full-on rant, and I have to move on to the next prompt.

There’s only one honorable mention because I was already scrambling for characters, so this is what you get.

The Reavers A very interesting concept for a “monster”.

1. Kaylee Frye Oh my god! Cinnamon roll to end all cinnamon rolls. Her smile is infectious. Her cheeks are so pinchable! SHE’S JUST SO FUCKING CUTE!!! I love her so much. AND HER LITTLE DRESS IN SHINDIG WAS FREAKING PRECIOUS!!!!

Orzo, Chickpea and Radicchio Salad

Guys, I’ve got a terrific and a little-out-of-the-ordinary pasta salad for you today. It’s just perfect for bbq’s, picnics and other warm weather shindigs. Now we just have to actually get that warm weather. Here in the Northeast, it’s been rainy and downright cold for days and days—I know I sound whiny but I actually wore my winter jacket yesterday—what is up with that!?? And it’s cold and wet again today. Yikes! I want my spring! So I’ve decided to stop looking outside and go by the calendar instead and look what came out of my kitchen?This summery Orzo, Chickpea and Radicchio Salad! Hopefully it’s warm and sunny where you are but if it’s not, let’s will in the warm weather together!!

Are you a huge pasta salad fan? It’s generally not what I’d go for on the picnic table but that may be because a lot of them are swimming in mayo or heavy on the olives and deli meat (sorry just can’t go there) but this one, this one I love. It’s simple and light but has such an interesting combination of flavors.

First off, there’s the orzo and how can you go wrong when there’s pasta that sort of seems like rice?!! It’s the best of both worlds, right?

Then there’s the radicchio, which in addition to adding a bright splash of color to the salad, also adds a crunch and slight bitterness, balancing out the starchy sweetness of the orzo.

The chickpeas add that earthiness and a bit of texture.

And the Pecorino-Romano cheese and balsamic vinaigrette coat everything, giving it all such an addictive zing! YUM!

It’s also super easy to whip up—a boon when temps are climbing (fingers crossed that they will.)

And as much as I’ve been hawking this as a party dish, the fact is that it’s been great having around for quick lunches and afternoon instead-of-a-cookie pick me ups too! So you can add versatility to its many charms as well.

Now, if it would only stop raining…maybe a batch of ice cream or popsicles would help do the trick!! C’,mon, help me cook in the warm weather! Please!

Orzo, Chickpea and Radicchio Salad

Makes 10-12 servings

Prep Time: About 1 hour but much of this is waiting for the pasta to cool down

Ingredients

1 pound box orzo

1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt, plus extra for vinaigrette

8 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided

1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

Black pepper

3 garlic cloves, minced

One 15-ounce can chickpeas, drained and rinsed

1 small head radicchio, chopped finely

1 cup grated Pecorino Romano or Parmesan cheese

The Recipe

1. Bring a large pot of water to boil. Add the orzo and the 1 1/2 teaspoons salt and cook according to the package directions, stirring often, until al dente. Drain in a colander and pour onto a rimmed baking sheet. Toss with 2 tablespoons of the oil and let cool completely, stirring to help it cool down. This should take about 20 minutes.

2. Meanwhile make the vinaigrette. Whisk the remaining oil, vinegar, garlic and a generous pinch of salt and pepper together in a small bowl.

3. Add the chickpeas, radicchio, Pecorino or Parmesan and the cooled orzo to a large bowl and toss. Pour the vinaigrette over it and toss again. Taste and add more salt and pepper if needed. You can serve this right away, but it’s better if it’s had a chance to sit for a little while to let the flavors develop. Give it about 30 minutes if you can, toss again and serve. Store leftovers in an airtight container in the fridge for up to 5 days.

Enjoy!

Note: Recipe adapted from Vegetables Illustrated by Cooks Illustrated. I tinkered a lot with this—left out the basil and upped the proportions so I wouldn’t be left with half a box of orzo and half a head of radicchio.

Artist Allison Hobbs Paints Northwest Arkansas

Allison Hobbs, Colorscapes No. 2, 2018, Acrylic and oil on canvas, 36 in x 36 in. Allison’s artistic interpretation of Northwest Arkansas serves as an abstract map commissioned for The Scout Guide Northwest Arkansas, Volume 2. 

We are obsessed with the work of local mixed media artist, Allison Hobbs. Her abstract paintings, a stunning combination of color, shape and beauty, are a delight to the eye and imagination. And this year, we were fortunate enough to collaborate with Allison and paper guru Trisha Logan, owner of Shindig Paperie (100 West Center Strett #5, Fayetteville, AR), on a one-of-a-kind creative concept for the Northwest Arkansas community and for The Scout Guide Northwest Arkansas Volume 2. Utilizing Alison’s signature abstract style and unique ability to work with colors in complex and rich ways, Allison created a map of this region (above) unlike any you’ve ever seen.

(From left to right) Owner Trisha Logan of Shindig Paperie, editor Rebekah Lawrence of The Scout Guide NWA and artist Allison Hobbs collaborate on the commission of an original abstract map of the Northwest West Arkansas region.

The artwork set the tone for The Scout Guide NWA’s “Art is Our Heart” Volume 2 launch party theme and was also utilized for the launch party invitation’s custom envelope liner designed by Trisha Logan of Shindig Paperie.

The Scout Guide Northwest Arkansas regional map and map icons, aka “Colorscapes No. 2″, on exhibition at The Scout Guide Northwest Arkansas Volume 2 launch party held at the University of Arkansas School of Art + Sculpture Gallery (SCUL).

Trisha Logan of Shindig Paperie poses with Allison Hobbs in front of Allison’s original “map” artwork, Colorscapes No. 2, at the The Scout Guide NWA Volume 2 Launch Party at The University of Arkansas School of Art + Sculpture Studio (SCUL) in May. Trisha was instrumental in bringing Allison’s abstract art map to fruition.

We wanted the artwork to extend further into the local art world, so we centered the The Scout Guide NWA Volume 2 Launch Party around this special piece. Held at The University of Arkansas School of Art + Sculpture Studio (SCUL) in May, the party was also as an art exhibition and a silent auction. Allison’s original artwork hung in the gallery beside student art, and the final map painting was auctioned off to benefit an at-need scholarship to The University of Arkansas School of Art.

Ben Blakeman, of Blakeman’s Fine Jewelry (3202 South Pinnacle Hills Pkwy, Rogers, AR), was the lucky auction winner who got to take home Allison Hobbs’ map painting. All proceeds went to fund an at-need scholarship to The University of Arkansas School of Art.

Working with Allison on this project was a dream. Her eye is impeccable, and she’s so much fun to be with, too! That’s why we were thrilled to have the chance to chat with her and reflect on the process of creating this piece and how she achieves those colors she’s known for throughout the interior design and art world.

TSG Northwest Arkansas (TSG NWA): What was it about the map project that piqued your interest?

Allison: Being an abstract artist, to work with a subject can be a challenge. But I took this on because I just love a challenge, and anything that will help me grow artistically. I really had to do my research to get my geographic bearings, even though I’ve lived here for 12 years.

Allison consulted with Trisha Logan of Shindig Paperie (100 West Center Strett #5, Fayetteville, AR) on an early version of the map project. “Trish was incredible to work with throughout the process and ideal for this project,” says Allison. “She is passionate about art and it is always good to have feedback on your work! My biggest question was how do I convert a map of Northwest Arkansas and all that it has to offer while staying true to my abstract style, and she helped me start that thinking process.”

TSG NWA: How did you get from studying a map to creating this painting?

Allison:  When I first started the study of the Northwest Arkansas region I initially began the painting with contour lines and various green tones. It was a geographical challenge for me; how do I portray a map in Birdseye view and still stay true to my abstract style? I began to really dig into not only studying the land, but how I feel about all that Northwest Arkansas has to offer and trying to pull that into vision through color.  I want you to look at the art and see art - not a map. Then I want you to look at the key representing Northwest Arkansas’ notable icons and relate your vision into a map.

TSG NWA: It’s like a fun play on a map.

Allison: Yes, exactly! I wanted it to convey that natural, but contemporary vibe of Northwest Arkansas. This area is such an amazing mixture of small town-big city. The representation of color is part of my creative process. The neutral tones represent all that is offered in this specific region of The Natural State. The bolder tones including yellows, purples and reds, represent the growth of the region into a modern culinary and art destination.  I love that we can go for a hike in the morning, a boat ride in the afternoon and then enjoy an evening of international art exhibits and a range of culinary destinations! I wanted to share the various lifestyles that Northwest Arkansas has to offer through the use of color!

TW NWA: You always do such an amazing job with creating these vibrant colors in your work. Why did you choose the colors here?

Allison:  You see green in Washington County and of course, red for the Razorbacks. But as you get farther north toward Rogers and Bentonville, the colors are brighter and bolder. With the modern growth of the Rogers and Bentonville area I chose to pull away from the natural tones.  Then, on the top right you have grounding, neutral colors for Beaver Lake, Eureka Springs and Hobbs State Park. The color speaks more than the shapes do.

TSG NWA: When we thought about creating an abstract piece of artwork that will depict a region, it really needed to represent some of the icons, how were you able to capture those icons while keeping the overall effect abstract?

Allison: Can you see how I really took the architecture of the museum into consideration? The brush strokes and the shaping there represents the dome of the museum. For the shapes of the icons, I used a lot of contour lines, which I do often in all of my work. For example the Razorback that might look like a detailed contour line, but it actually is a Hog. The same technique is used for the abstract face as representation for The Walton Arts Center. This was something I wanted to be unique in staying true to my artistic style without using your general idea of a map icon.

TSG NWA: That’s the best thing about this painting. As you keep looking at it you see new things.

Allison: At first you don’t even realize it’s a map. That’s what really excites me about this piece!

TSG NWA: We want to know more about these colors. How do you achieve such deep, but also bright, colors?

Allison: I’m considered a mixed media artist because I don’t just use one type of medium. Mainly, I use oils and acrylics. It’s a layering process, but I’ve been using a very special process to combine and layer both oil and acrylic paints to achieve the depth and colors I want.

TSG NWA: This painting makes us smile. How does it make you feel?

Allison: Joy! I have a garage studio at home, which I love. Most of the time I will keep the garage doors wide open so I feel like I’m painting outdoors. The time I spend in the studio is very spiritual for me, and I find joy in it. The main object of all of my work is for the viewer to experience that joy. I hope that the uniqueness and style of this abstract map will bring excitement to all who see it.

TSG NWA Editor Rebekah Lawrence and artist Allison Hobbs celebrate the reveal of Volume 2 at The Scout Guide Northwest Arkansas Launch Party at The University of Arkansas: School of Art + Sculpture Studio (SCUL) in May.

Learn more about Allison Hobbs and her abstract art, or contact her for to commission your own work and add some of that colorful joy she’s creating into your home! Pick up a copy of The Scout Guide Northwest Arkansas at your favorite local shop or view the digital edition here.

20 secrets for maximizing your Inman Connect San Francisco experience

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Inman Connect in San Francisco is one of my favorite weeks of the summer. Let me share a few conference road warrior tips that I’ve learned from the best over the years.

They just might make your trip more pleasant, and help you get a bit more out of the conference:

1. Register right now

Register for #ICSF 2017 (use promo code “Sam” for $200 off)

2. Digitally prepare

Download the app.

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3. Start networking

Join the Inman Coast to Coast Facebook Group to start networking.

4. Book airfare

OAK and SFO airports are about equidistant from the hotel.

5. Make hotel reservations

The conference is at the San Francisco Hilton Union Square where you can book your room.

6. Pack 

ICSF is a full week. Pack your neck pillow for travel. I recommend the really dorky one with the clip in front. It looks like an involuntary restraint device, but it’s worth its weight in gold.

The city can be chilly at night, even in summer. The conference rooms can be cold. Pack layers. Pack something fancy for the Innovator Bash.

Pack gym clothes — really. A brisk walk or run in the San Francisco air will do wonders for your mental and physical stamina over the long week. As a side benefit, you won’t feel bad about eating all of the crab cakes at ListHub’s shindig.

Pack business cards. People still use them. They’re also a physical band-aid for the places where conference brain cells sometimes disappear.

San Francisco is not cheap. If you are (hand raised!), pack a one-quart Ziploc bag with an assortment of three-ounce libations in your carry-on. It may come in handy.

7. Schedule your events

All kinds of companies sponsor events and parties, some of which are “come one, come all,” while others are very small. Ask your vendors for tickets beforehand if they’ll be hosting. Check in with the main sponsors of the conference.

Try to make as many events as possible, as the networking opportunities are outstanding. You can sleep when you get home.

8. Karaoke

Put it on your to-do list. It’s a rite of passage. I’ll back you up.

9. Set meetings beforehand

Don’t follow your nose around for the week. Meetings are half the value. Who do you want to meet: vendors, executives, brokers, agents, consultants? You might miss them passing in the halls during the week. Get them on the calendar for 15 minutes, and make sure you connect.

Accept invites from folks you don’t know well. You can have lunch and dinner with your friends from home when you’re at home.

10. Fly like a pro

Did you get assigned a bad seat? At the gate counter, nicely, with a smile, say the name of the person you’re speaking to, and ask if any seats have opened up. You’re in sales, you know how this works. Seats magically appear.

Get some noise canceling headphones. Or, for the more economically minded (this is becoming a theme), download a white noise/static app, and blast it through your ear buds. Snap on your neck pillow, and close your eyes.

Sometimes you get stuck next to a particularly invasive seatmate. Getting upset helps no one. Apply one of those three-ounce sleep aid elixirs to your situation. Breathe deeply. It’s only a few hours. You can do it if I can.

(That’s not your tray, friend)

The lines for airline restrooms often get long. Here’s a little known fact: Those restrooms up in first class aren’t only for first class passengers. They’re also for coach passengers who are faster than flight attendants.

11. Speed your arrival in San Francisco

You’re going to want to get through the airport quickly because there’s still a significant car or train ride ahead. Don’t go to the first restroom you see. That line’s always longest when you’re deplaning. Head to the restrooms near the middle of the terminal.

Before you exit through security, grab some water and a snack from the shortest shop line.

12. Get from the airport to the hotel

Catch a BART train or Uber/Lyft into the city. For added excitement (or because we already established that you’re cheap), you can Uber pool and share a car with a stranger.

If you’re in a car, plan on traffic being horrendous. If it’s not, count yourself as lucky.

On the ride, join your hotel’s rewards program. Check in early on the hotel’s app. You’ll probably have access to a much shorter line when you arrive and upgrades are more likely.

13. Prepare for the city

San Francisco is a big city. There are some great tourist activities and beautiful locations. There are also some seedy areas, and your conference name badge around your neck screams “My wallet pocket wants your hand in it.”

Be aware, and don’t head out at night on your own without knowing where you’re going.

14. Efficiently attend sessions

Make sure you’re there for the opening sessions. The energy in the room is amazing, and the speakers are always outstanding. Don’t be surprised when the talks aren’t all about real estate. Some of the best are completely out of left field.

Great afternoon tracks often overlap. Team up with someone; divide and conquer the dueling sessions. Compare notes later.

Make time to visit Startup Alley, and see which products might help your business. There are a lot of booths to visit. Go easy on these folks. They’re often techies who are new to sales, they’re pitching all day long, and some of them just might make your job easier.

15. Lobbycon (it can be a verb or a noun)

Every time you need a break from sessions, take it in the lobby. Lobbycon is like the Bilderberg of real estate, except that we peons are allowed to mingle with the industry icons.

Overwhelmed by the crowd? Find an Inman Ambassador, and ask for an introduction to whomever you’d like to speak with.

Don’t shy away from the vendors — they’re not always selling. Some of the most interesting industry things I’ve learned at Inman have been through Lobbyconning with vendors.

16. Follow the Inman golden rule: ‘Don’t go big on the first night’

It’s exciting to be traveling in a world-class city, but the week is a marathon. The evening revelries will increase in number and scale by the day.

Have fun, but keep some powder dry for Thursday night. You’ve still got to do some business to write this trip off on your taxes.

17.  Take a zap nap

This is another secret I learned from the conference Jedi masters who came before me. If you get up in the morning for the Connect wakeup, go to nine sessions, three meetings, a dinner and two vendor parties, you’re going to be wiped out at least one day.

When you get tired at midday, try the zap nap: Set an alarm for 20-30 minutes, chug a cup of coffee and immediately take a nap before it kicks in. You’ll wake up charged and alert, and you’ll thank me for it later.

18. Experience closing day

Be ready for Friday. The content has gotten meatier every year. New Kids on the Block, a crowd favorite, showcases the brightest new startups.

The CEOs of some of real estate’s biggest brokerage companies, including Coldwell Banker’s Charlie Young and BHGRE’s Sherry Chris will be on stage.

Our Inman hackers will be debuting an app they’re building during Connect week.

19. Reconnect after Connect

When you get home, sleep in, then regroup. You will have collected lots of business cards during the week. Connect with these folks on social media. Send a thank you email to those you had a good conversation with.

Immediately start implementing one business improvement process that you took away from Connect. Make the value of your Connect week last.

20. Book ICNY for 2018

It usually starts at $500 or $600 the day ICSF ends. It’s the best deal you’ll get all year.

See you in San Francisco.

Sam DeBord is managing broker of Seattle Homes Group, VP of Strategic Growth for Coldwell Banker Danforth, and President of Seattle King County Realtors. You can find his team at SeattleHomes.com and BellevueHomes.com.

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