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minserenity · 4 years

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Impossible Possibilities

Pairings: reader x idol!Chan (featuring the rest of Stray Kids)

Genre: fluff, humour, a little bit of angst later on

Synopsis: You have always been the kind of girl who follows rules and behaves according to them, always being a good daughter and a model student, helping others as much as possible and trying your best to make everyone around you happy. But what happens when a single rule gets in the way of your own happiness? Will you still follow it?

Warnings: none

Chapter 7: Do You Know Stray Kids?

“Do you know Stray Kids?”

The question catches you off guard. What are you supposed to say? That yes, you are well aware of their existence but you only found out a few days ago so you actually - and with much shame - have no idea what kind of artists they are, yet you basically are so close to falling for one of them, but you are not supposed to because of your job? Is he even supposed to introduce himself so carelessly to anyone? Shouldn’t he be keeping a low profile since he’s an idol? Your thoughts are running wild.

You clear your throat, “to be honest no, sorry,” you lie, drops of cold sweat forming on your forehead, “but I’d like to listen to some songs, it will be the first thing I will do once I get home.”

You can see a slight expression of disappointment forming on his face.

“Oh I see… Well you have to listen to our songs, we’re pretty good!”

You can’t help but chuckle at the young boy’s confidence.

“Do you work here?” he asks.

“I work around here, yeah, I just moved a month ago.”

“That’s cool! Have you visited Lotte World yet?”

“Yes! I had a lot of fun.”

“I have been so busy I haven’t been able to go there for a long time… I miss it,” he says with a wistful look in his eyes.

Your bus arrives right on time and you reluctantly have to leave your new acquaintance behind. Despite that little moment of panic, talking to him was very refreshing. You truly needed that.

***

Coming back home, you throw yourself on the couch exhausted from the day. Taking your phone out of your back pocket, you start searching for Stray Kids songs on YouTube. You click on the first music video that pops up: God’s Menu. Looks like it’s a new one.

A few second in, you already spot him, a familiar knot forming in the pit of your stomach. He looks so good even with makeup on… So stunning. And his voice… Maybe this was a mistake, maybe you should have stayed in the dark. It would have been easier. Shaking your head, you keep on watching the video and notice a boy you haven’t met yet and someone you believe it’s Jeongin, even though he looks nothing like the cute boy you met earlier.

You spend 20 whole minutes latched on to the screen bewitched by the eight boys’ captivating dance moves, heavenly vocals and powerful raps. Jeongin was right, they really are pretty good.

Your stomach growls begging to be fed, as it has been empty since lunch. Annoyed, you decide for your sanity to just stop what you are doing and take a shower. You’re gonna think about food later.

Coming out from your rejuvenating shower, you are greeted by an overwhelming garlic smell and your roommate fumbling with pans and spatulas.

“Hey Iz, I didn’t hear you get back. What are you making?” you ask, noticing how much effort she is putting in her recipe.

“Garlic butter chicken.” That explains the stench.

“Where did you see that? The smell by the way… I’m sure vampires would never dare coming nowhere near this house.”

“You don’t appreciate gourmet cuisine, it’s a delicacy,” she answers, sprinkling the chicken with what you believe is parsley.

“I’m sure it is, you just didn’t have to put in the whole garlic bulb!”

“Stop criticizing everything I cook! I do my best!”

“And I know that, but annoying you it’s just too funny,” you giggle, hugging her from behind. Since you’re not sure you can handle those chicken breasts from hell, you decide to quickly make some rice. After setting up the table and sitting down, you start telling your friend about your crappy day and how you managed to make everyone uneasy.

“I’m sure you’re making a bigger deal out of this than it really is.” Izzy tries to reassure you, but with poor results.

“I’m telling you, that was so pathetic.”

“I don’t believe they think you know anyway.”

“But I met Jeongin! He told me!” you point out.

“Okay but he doesn’t know you work for the company, let alone that you know Chris.” “It’s only a matter of time before he finds out.”

“Well, he better find out soon then,” Izzy leans forward to fill her glass with water.

“What? No! Do you want me to panic to death?”

“Listen Y/N, I think you should just keep on doing what you always do, I’m sure he’ll tell you when he’s ready. You’ll be like ‘oh, I actually figured it out before’ and you’ll all laugh about this, so don’t stress too much okay?”

“Easy to say… what if he thinks I played him all this time?” you ponder.

“You’re being totally unreasonable right now and you just met this guy a few days ago! It’s not like you’re gonna marry him.”

You can’t deny it, she actually has a point and it makes so much sense too. To shut you up and shake you from your thoughts, Izzy feeds you a mouthful of her self-proclaimed gourmet dish, making you gag almost immediately. Once you finish the last desperate spoon of rice, trying to erase that atrocious taste from your mouth, you head to your bedroom and get ready to go to sleep.

***

Saying that your night was restless is putting it mildly. Blame it on the garlic that tormented your stomach, or on you mulling over the past day’s events, you couldn’t sleep a wink and you know oh-so-well that a single cup of coffee is not going to solve anything. Every single thing about you speaks I’m tired and sleep deprived, from the dark circles you miserably failed to cover, to your mismatched socks. But some people wear mismatched socks on purpose, so it shouldn’t be that much of a deal, right?

As soon as you finish gulping the third cup of coffee of the day, you open the break room door to go back to work and bump into a sturdy figure. Looking up to apologize, you get startled.

“We always bump into each other in this room, it must be destiny,” Chris says, your heart skipping a beat.

“I don’t think it’s destiny… Are you following me, sir?” you say jokingly.

“I was really hoping to see you. You run off so fast yesterday, you didn’t even give me the time to say goodbye properly,” he frowns, tilting his head, “are you trying to avoid me?”

“I am not… I was busy… Sorry for running away like that.”

“It’s okay, I was just joking…” he lets out an awkward laugh.

You feel guilty about the way you’ve acted in the past few ways, you feel this pressing need to do something in return for his patience and kindness.

“Are you busy today? you finally ask and suggest to go somewhere since you owe him a sandwich anyway. Chris seems a little uncertain, but accepts as long as he gets to choose the place.

He takes you to a small convenience store where you’re welcomed by a lovely old lady. Despite the store being rather cramped, the atmosphere feels cozy and familiar. On the way here, Chris has been going on and on about how delicious here ramen is, setting your expectations quite high. He escorts you to the back of the store where a small veranda is located, then he goes back inside to prepare the ramen.

Your eyes wander around: old-fashioned chairs, chipped tiles, a rusty railing… This place is a bit dated, but totally your style. It’s like a little gem unaffected by time.

“For you, m’lady,” Chris says, placing a cup of ramen in front of you with a dramatic bow.

“I’m much obliged, my lord,” you say, bringing your right hand to your chest.

Chris sits down and starts mixing his noodles. “You look quite tired today,” he observes concerned.

“You’re like the twentieth person I’ve heard that from,” you answer, copying his action.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“No, it’s okay, I just haven’t slept much.”

“Yeah, I know how it feels,” he says, bringing his cup close to his mouth.

“This ramen is delicious, by the way,” you comment, swallowing another bite, “I’ve never tasted anything like this.”

Chris smiles proudly. “I know this place is not really appropriate for a date,” he mutters, now looking more serious, “but it’s quite and I like coming here.”

You understand what he’s hinting at: nobody would probably ever come to this place, so it’s safe for him to stop here and bring you too.

“This was so not a date,” you argue, trying to keep things light, “I said I owed you a sandwich and we got ramen, so it’s on me.”

“I can’t let you pay,” he complains.

“Why not? Because I’m a girl?” you notice him visibly struggling at your question, “It’s fine Chris, let me pay just this once, I feel bad for running off like that yesterday.”

“Fine,” he gives in, “but I owe you a real date.”

“Are you keeping count?”

“Absolutely.”

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#stray kids fic #stray kids fanfict #stray kids fanfic #stray kids fluff #stray kids scenarios #stray kids imagines #chan #stray kids chan #bang chan fanfic #stray kids bang chan #bang chan fluff #bang chan fic #bang chan fanfict #bang chan scenarios #kpop scenarios #kpop fanfic #kpop fanfiction #kpop flufff #impossible possibilities

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btswritings1998 · 5 years

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I hate u, I love u (Jhope au)

Hoseok x Reader

Genre: angst/ fluff

Summary: Hoseok was my soulmate. He had been since the moment I had met him in dance school. He loved me, yet he had another soulmate. No matter how happy we were and how many promises we both made, if she needed him, he always ran. I wondered, Was two soulmates ever a thing? The answer became clear on the day he fully walked out my life. Only thing is, what was I supposed to do now that I found out some life changing news?

Song recommended for this part: i hate u, i love u by Gnash.

-------------------------

“So is that why you came back?” I say

“What do you mean?” He questions

“You only came back to tell me how much you love me, only to grab your things and leave again.” I tell him

He puts his luggage down and moves closer to me. I take a step back without realizing it and I see the glimpse of hurt in his eyes. The very brown eyes that used to look at me with such love now look at me with pain.

“You know that’s not what I mean to do every time. You know I love you and you know how much I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He says now looking down at the cream carpet we both stood on

I stayed quiet. To be honest I didn’t know what to say to him anymore. All the promises we had made slowly got torn down one by one and here we were at the last one. Again, getting torn down.

“If you leave...if you walk out that door Hoseok, you can’t come back. Yes you love me, but you love her the most.”

“You know that’s not true. You know you’re the only one my heart loves and will always love.” He says

Something about his words sound so sincere, but when you’ve gone through what I’ve gone through it becomes hard to differentiate sincereness and lies. I was done with the pain. I walked around him as tears start falling down my cheeks. I open the door

“You only ever brought me pain and I’m sick of it. Have a good life with her Hoseok.” I say avoiding eye contact

I knew if I looked at him I would die from the biggest heartbreak of my life. I couldn’t break now. I had to be strong for both me and the baby....

It had been two years since I last saw him. Last I heard from Yoongi, one of his best friends, he had gotten married to her. The news broke my heart, but I knew that is what was going to happen. After all I did pretty much send him into her arms. It was okay though. I had focused on my baby and after birth I finished dance school like how I had always said I was going to.

I looked at the little babygirl resting her head on my lap. She was still so tiny and I couldn’t believe it was about to be two years since I had her. He left that day, I had just found out that I was pregnant....

I was about to tell him the news when he came rushing into his and my room. He seemed frantic. He was searching for clothes not even acknowledging that I was standing at the restrooms doorframe excited to tell him the news. He finished packing a bag only then to turn towards me. Tears were forming in his eyes. I hid the stick behind my back. My excited smile quickly faded and the shine in my eyes went dull. I automatically knew what this was about. It was her, it was always her. Anger ran through my veins as well as pain. This was nothing knew to me,both him and I had been through this countless of times, yet it still hurt like hell like the very first time. He stood there not knowing what to say, but his eyes said it all. She needed him and like always he was going to rush into her arms.

“It’s her isn’t it?” I barely mumble out

His eyes shifted from me to the floor as he nodded

“What could she possibly need from you now Hoseok?” The words fell out my mouth like daggers coming at him

I was pissed and when I was pissed, I was the most ruthless person you’ve ever met.

“Come on, you know it’s not like that my love. You know I have to be there for her as much as I am for you.” Hoseok said trying to make sense of the whole situation

“....You know I have to be there for her as much as I am for you.”

The words replayed in my head over and over in that instance. Did he just say that to me? As if I meant the same to him as she did to him.

“You know I love you so so much, but you know what happened between her and I. I have to go. I’ll be back.” He picked up his luggage and started to walk away

I moved from the restroom doorframe walking closer to him. My feet allowing me to step onto the cream carpet. I wanted to spit out the words that I was going to have his baby. I held back though and words of anger came out instead...

I had told him to have a nice life with her. That was the last thing I told him and it haunted me. I remember crying for days not wanting to eat let alone shower. Jungkook came around often bringing Taehyung trying to cheer me up with games and food and stories. Much to my surprise, it often worked until they left then I felt empty again. Jungkook and Tae, well, they had been my best friends since I was little and they had grown very fond of Hoseok. They warned me from the start that it was a dangerous game I was playing. Yoongi, who had known Hoseok since they were little, due to them being neighbors, knew what Hoseok had with that girl. He also warned me, but I still didn’t listen.

They had met in kindergarten and grew up together, she was his soulmate. Yet, she betrayed him again and again. She was the only one he had ever known. Until, he met me. He would tell me I was his other soulmate, the one he was truly destined to be with. I always wondered how that worked. Was more than one soulmate ever a thing? I kept replaying the question in my head the whole relationship. He was mine, but was I really his?

“Mami?” The little girl on my lap barely muttered the words

I instantly shook all the thoughts out my head.

I look down at her and smiled “Is my little stinky ready to eat?”

She nodded and I giggled. I sat her up on the couch and started to play the movie. She loved watching The Little Mermaid. I mean her name was Ariel, because that was always my favorite movie too.

“I’m going to go cook my love stay right here.” I say

As I’m heading to the kitchen the doorbell rings. My heart races. Jungkook and Taehyung usually just open it because they’ve had a key for the longest.

I hesitate to turn around and open the door. Yet my feet carry my body towards the door before I realize it.

I take a deep breath as I open the door.

“Jungkook! Tae! You scared me.” I say

“Sorry dinglehead over here forgot his key at the house and we didn’t realize it until we were in your parking lot.” Jungkook stated

You laugh and welcome the boys in. Automatically they run to the baby girl watching the movie with her. They had been very good uncles to Ariel despite them being busy all the time.

“You guys got here just in time I was about to make Ariel dinner and then maybe make myself something too.” I say

“Why don’t we just go out to eat. You haven’t left the house in days babe. Plus Ariel looks like she needs some sun.” Taehyung states

“Taehyung I’m broke... they fired me from work, remember?” I say

“We’ll pay. It’s the most I can do for you.” Jungkook chimes in

I nod my head and head to the room to get clothes for Ariel and I. I always tried not to take long getting dressed. Especially when it came to going out with Tae and Jungkook. I tried my best to put on make up and simple jeans with a cropped black hoodie. I ended up giving Ariel matching jeans and a black hoodie also.

“Okay let’s go.” I say as I came back into the living room

Moments later we were sitting in the restaurant ordering our food.

“I’ll have chicken strips and French fries please. Actually two but one kids meal for the baby. Please.” I say as the waiter takes our orders

“You say please every five seconds.” Jungkook says

I scoff and giggle.

“So what if I do. I’m just very polite,” I pout

“Yeah, more like anxious.” Tae mumbles

Through the first half of our dinner we laughed and talked about how the past few years of our life had gone. Tae had started to paint and travel the world showing his art. Making him a famous painter. Jungkook well, he did YouTube and became a huge director. Most of the time he would vlog or I would do some videos with him. I, well I stayed at home with Ariel most of the time except when I needed to work. At those times my mom took care of her for me.

“Yeah well being a single mother wasn’t exactly in my plans, but it’s the way things worked out.” I stated as we started walking out the restaurants door

As I bump into a person in front of me almost dropping Ariel.

“Watch where you’re going ass-” I say as I look up to who I bumped into “-hole.”

“Did you say single mother?” A voice I hadn’t heard in a while rang through my ears

I tensed up as I stared at the the figure of the voice whom I just had called an asshole. My heart quickly dropped to the pit of my stomach.

“Hoseok.” I say

I hadn’t spoken his name in years and I was not ready for this type of pain yet again.

#bts jhope #jhope #bts taehyung #BTS jungkook #bts au #bts angst #bts #kpop angst #bts v #bts hosoek #fanfic #kpop au #kpop fanfiction #i hate u i love u

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weekendsabo · 3 years

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Journal - Saturday, December 1st, 2018

Bob sent me the band Bonny Doon. Now I’m listening to Ricewine which is equally as chill as the Bonny Doon band. Big News! I found the missing piece to that stupid puzzle. I don’t know exactly where is came from, but it just appeared and I’m happy that puzzle doesn’t have a missing piece now. Pretty excited. but got in clean mode so I swept the entire house and cleaned that fan and mopped a little. Nice to have a clean house. If I just do a little everyday it won’t get bad.

Cont. on 11/22

I have to get a washer and dryer. Maybe that’s what I’ll get with my hopeful bonus. Mild orange was next on youtube and they are solid as well. I have plans to meet up at Dillinger with Tsvet and James and possibly more. I’ll definitely throw on a different shirt and.

I saw you in that chair a look and gaze

Lunch was fun with James and Tsvet as well as Dee and Dennis, and the lady in the corner. I like the Dillinger. I go the Ruben and it was solid and some patron. Man, tequila is so good. I’m going to get a bottle for home. I kind of hope Luna doesn’t come over, but with my luck, she probably will. So just got downtown. She’s going to be a little late so I’ll go get a drink at the bar and pee all . I hope it goes well!

Cont. on 11/21

I can’t believe Luna still won’t text me back. I feel bad for her situation. Like, she has the worst luck. I can’t believe he would just hit, Dalton, and while living together. ridiculous. I may- well if she ever texts me back, then maybe I would consider having her come live here. We could car pool and jam and I think it would be fun. Make some vegan food together and just chill all the time. I don’t think I would mind having her around all the time. I’ve tried and whenever I see her shes always super excited to see me. So maybe I just have to but upfront about it and just be like “Hey, I like you, and u was wandering if you wanted to go on a date some time if you’re interested. If not, no biggy. I’m stoked to just be your friend and I’d be 100% okay with keeping it that way. no hard feelings or anything like that. So yeah, I mean we already know each other. but this would be a way for use to get to know each other ore and on a more deeper level. we can talk about sex and stuff like that and see what we both like. Do drugs together and just have a lot of fun. Could be cool if she ever texted back...

Cont. on 11/20

What do I like about Luna?

She has this like nervous laugh that I find adorable. She’ just comfortable. The right height to fit under my arm. That might have been the highlight of my night. Cuddling right up to her. Only way it could have been better is if she put her arm around me. But the head nuzzle worked just as well. I feel she just seem me as a friend and that’s okay. There’s only one way to find out and it just to ask her. Tomorrow night. I’ll go chill at my folks or maybe find something free to do downtown or I can hit up Evan and see what he’s doing. Or maybe I’ll just go chill and walk around DT a little. Possibilities are almost endless. Definitely maybe won’t hit her up. Are you interested in dating at all. I know you might not be be interested and getting out of your relationship. So I completely understand if you’re not down, and this will be the last we talk about it. I just have developed feeling and I wanted to se if you felt to same way. Nothing to lose really. One of the reasons I went to the show last night was to see her. Mission accomplished. Well see, I probably won’t cause I don’t want to make things awkward. So, that's probably the better option.

Cont. on 11/19

Also, she doesn’t smoke cigs, shes open to drugs, she doesn’t drink much which I would be adamant that I won’t drink when she doesn’t drink. She’d fit right on the back of my bike. One that I’m getting with my bonus. I feel we would have a good relationship and would be happy together. I understand depression, and would want to have an open policy on communication cause that is very very important.

Cont. on 11/16

I don’t know if I’m going to continue using this pen. It’s a little too much bleed through. It’s not to bad once you write. I thought maybe I would have a hard time reading but it looks okay. I’ll keep using the pen for now. Attempted to make pretzels with the pizza dough. I left and I turned out eggy. I think my water wasn’t hot enough or it was just not that great dough. Oh well. It’ll build a turd. I’ll probably make a BLT later for dinner. but really. I’ve eat plenty for today. Well see. I’ll get a wire brush and get the rest of that just out of there. Get a propane tank and itll be cool. I’ll boil those eggs tonight for sure and that’ll be my b-fast and lunch. Cook all that bacon. I’ll bake it so I don’t have to deal with is in a pan. and I’ll be able to get it nice and crispy! It’ll be delicious. AND she listened to music and likes to go to shows! I wold be the absolute best! So how do you think she sees me? Someone who drinks a ton. She knows all about my touring. I would also be 100% okay with her on tour. no problem with that at all.

Cont. on 11/15

I know I want someone that will help me learn or better me. Okay. Bonus equals home gym stuff and guitar. After this trip I’ll get a desk and get that stuff all set up. I’ll see if she has . I can drop her off in the morning and get her a coffee, then go to the gym to kill time. That does sound like a good plan. Then she can chill there or do something. I’d definitely let her take my car. I can get a ride gone from someone. If she wanted to go out. That might actually be good. Just to get that time alone. I’m down. If it gets. It’s not going to get awkward. It’s not like I’m asking her to be with me forever, I just feel like it could be fun. and if that happens, I will definitely get rid of FB. I feel once I do get a girl, I will just get rid of it and set up - I’ll wait till I get the band page going. Goal - Release 2 albums next year or EP’s whatever. I just want some music out there. I’ll make it happen. 2019 is going to be a good and productive year. No drink December starts now. I can do it. Yesterday I already knew that was happening before to deal to no drink to NYE!

Cont. on 11/14

Still not surprised that I spent $5600 on alcohol this year. I probably bumped it up to $5700 yesterday for sure. That ends now! That’s easily a trip to anywhere for a couple weeks. So bad. Cut down on food and booze and I will be doing great! I’ll find an easy recipe for something I can eat all week. Some chicken something. Make some perogies. It’ll be delicious. Invite James and Tsvet over. Find a good Perogie sauce. Keep it vegan hopefully. Id also be down to seriously cut down on my meat eating. I had a nice lunch with my sister today. I hope she quits that job and finds something else. And Zeb just sucks. I know why she doesn’t want to be with him and why she feels she can’t get a divorce. It’s scary. Especially for her. Be so hard to get Makayla over there unless all her rules just goes away. Cut his house, then she would just hate being over at Mel s. I think she will do it soon cause I wouldn’t deal with that for that long. Especially with his separate account. Not that having a separate account is bad, but it was kept secret. So crazy. That guy sucks.

Cont. on 11/13

Date with Gabby.

She was very nice and I did have a lot of fun. From Baltimore. Graduating next May from ASU. Lives with her folks. Has Type 1 diabetes which sucks. Net a natural red head but likes it. We started out at Artiface, we talked about her brothers show and how it went. she said it went really well. Told her about my tour life and stuff like that and stuff. She was super into horoscopes which is worrying. But really I’m not down. I’m pretty sure that I wont see her again. There was just no physical attraction. I don’t want to have to fake a whole aspect of a relationship just to save her feelings. Just it’s not happening. So, I’ll just have to break it of gently. Something like I had a lot of fun and you’re a cool person, but I don’t think we should continue to hang out anymore. I just didn’t feel anything and it’s not going to progress any more that it has so just do not waste your time or should just keep it like this and if we see each other by chance well say high and stuff. and keep if from getting awkward. Something like that should work! Next tie she ask about it I’ll bring in up and hope it goes good.

Cont. on 11/12

I think they are going to be alright. The eggs that is. I’m hard boiling 12 of them so that's 2 a day plus two days where I’ll get three. We can do Tuesday and Thursday. I’ll find a good recipe tomorrow. gotta take a break from pizza. I be I can lose 10 lbs by the christmas party. Especially if I’m not drinking. It’ll be easy. Work out stuff. Eggs are done. Bacon gets like 15 minutes. I may take a bath here shortly or tonight I should say. I’ll get all my shopping done on Sunday. Not drinking will cut the cost of this trip by a ton. I will have one with lunch but other than that no more. just tell them I’m on a hiatus. They won’t care. It really is no big deal. Tomorrow I’ll take some week and call it good! Save my a ton on money and I won’t feel like garbage on Tuesday. Well, I guess I won’t be cooking tomorrow unless I just come home and leave for the show. I wonder how may extra miles that would be, but it doesn’t matter. Its’ only a couple bucks to not have to kill like 5 hours. So yeah, I’ll come home after work. Make some good and chill, then I’ll head out.

Cont. on 11/10-11/12

I’m more that likely going to roll after Beemaster. Probably watch a song or two of the touring guy to see how they are. Cool, I’ll stay. Not cool, I’m going to rolling after Beemaster. Sorry dude but I have to be up early and I don’t want to be out till the wee hours of the morning for some band. I’ve never heard of. I will ask Luna out and see how that goes before I figure out if I should ask Vivian. I still think I’m not “cool” enough to date her. I would definitely need to step up my wardrobe, or she does like who I am but I could be fun to get dressed up and stuff like that. Lint roller tomorrow so I can wear my blue sweater but tomorrow. Wake up at 5. No snooze go for a run. Shave and shower. Work a little early. Wrap up that stupid 945 west 8th. That job can suck it! Hopefully we’ll be slow this week. I’ll take this with me and get it filled up. I could have filled up so much if I had this at work. Oh well. Either way, I’m jamming music tomorrow and no one can stop me! Friday I will do perogies. Have Ty and Melka and Tsvet and James and I’ll see if Luna is down. Be Like a triple date! Tell the to bring a game!

Cont. on 11/9

BLT was good. I used ricotta instead of mayo since I didn’t have any. I was even at the store too. I could be having some good food, but I was lazy! I need to stop doing that. Tsvet last night just I mean. It’s awesome that they do enjoy it as well. I’ll see if Luna want to come and I’ll do the vegan pirogies. If not, I’ll do the regular ones. Make the. I’ll make the dough and filling the day before, or all of it before, then just boil and fry and they will be golden. Do Like a salad or get some hummus. Borrow their food processor and make some hummus. Slice up some veggies or find a polish side dish and see. What I can fins. Maybe there's some good stuff if not. Hummus it is. I can do two different kinds. Do traditional and tn maybe find a jalapeno hummus. Then cucumbers cherry tomato's, something. I’ll do a onion mushroom top for the perogies. If they're at the show tomorrow I’ll ask the. I’ll shoot them all a message tomorrow. Should be a good time. I know Ty will be down. Still want to have a variety of people over instead of same people all the time.

Cont. on 11/8

I wonder if I can convert the kitchen to gas if I bought this house. I would tear down this wall. Lift the ceiling and just open this house up! but I do like the setup the way it is. It’s a pretty cute house but who knows. I may bot stay out here and go live in the bus and rent a warehouse or try and by a place with an apartment. I wander how much it'll cost? Maybe just being single is the way to go for a little while later. Maybe not try so hard. I’ll still talk to Luna though. but its just so easy to be myself. and, I took them for granite for sure. I’lI don’t know she wasn't’ right for me, but we had a lot of fun. Disney all the time, living together and working. I got over KC and Rainy. They were just way too much unfortunately. Their family is just way too much. I just wanted to stay home and play video games. I’m happy that is not a hobby anymore. Spent so much time playing games. They are really fond memories, but just doesn’t do it for me like it used too. Crazy how that have changed. I’ve changed a bunch these past couple years.

Cont. on 11/7

My blood pressure was like 14 over 92 with a heart rate of 102. I was just all high and probably because of how much I drank last night. 3 shots and 5 beers in 3.5hours on an empty stomach. I was pretty drunk unfortunately. At least I don’t have to worry about it. I’m so better at life sober so I don’t know why. I just want to feel something. Binging everything to take my mind off things. but I feel if I keep up with the writing I think I will be alright. I don’t need it, I just want it. Lately I’ve been not super happy with myself when I get super drunk. It’s just not fun anymore. I make bad decisions and just don’t do good. So I think I may just have to cut it out completely. It would be like changing my whole life. Bit I think I’m okay with it. I’ll be able to get a lot of things done and I can work more on music and other hobbies. I do want to get into wood working just because it seems fulfilling. We’ll see. I do have time to do these things I’m only 32 and I have a lot of years left to live!

Cont. on 11/6

I wonder if I can just get by with smoking weed and not drinking. I’m going to get some acid for sure. and just have some good trips. Doing it at NYE during the D could be really fun. I would be down to quit everything but psychedelics. They are by far the best. I will have acid parties. Find a girl that's down and just have fun with each other, explore each others body. I want to do that sober. Someone I’m actually attracted to. I still had fun, but it was what I needed at the time. I would sacrifice that physical attraction for being with someone. I went for what was there and easy. I have been good at not just being with someone. I’m so worried about not getting hard. I know when the time comes I will be upfront about it and let them know the deal. I also really need to lay off the porn so much and get some lube. dick is just getting beat up. Lets do a No Porn December with the no drinking and see how it goes. You can still jerk off, but without porn. I have to rewire my brain to stop thinking about porn, and it’s such a bad habit that it would definitely happen when I’m in a relationship.

#journal #december1st2018 #2018 #saturday #december

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