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#i feel very disconnected from everyone in my life
bebzbrainw0rmz · 2 days
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Hello!! A question for you, not in a offensive light at all but I wanna ask why you like pavlevi so much and how come it doesn't make you uncomfortable with the age gap? We don't know pavs age which is fair enough but.. You get my point! I still love em tho. Maybe I'm a bit conflicted
I’m so sorry but you made a fatal mistake of giving me an opportunity to yap about them ( but thank you for being very nice abt the question, it means a lot :3 )
Slight rant under more… tried my hardest to keep it short but I have so much to say abt these fuckass losers 😔
For the reasons why I like Pavlevi so much. It’s because they are my two favourite characters, I need to psychoanalyse them and make them trauma bond or I’ll DIE.
Levi has the solitary soul, he’s been alone for most of his life. What he seriously needs is connection. And I think most of the cast just can’t fundamentally understand him. (I’m not sure if I’m being biased and self projecting here because of my experiences being autistic but yeah 😭) And I genuinely think most of that cast would look at Levi with pity. Almost as if he can’t think for himself. And I think Levi hates it. It’s really a hard feeling to pin down, but it feels weirdly dehumanising?? Like say Karin or smth would mean well but it still feels like you’re being hang up to dry? And I think Levi fucking hates it when everyone is looking at him like that. And the pity ppl have for him comes from a place of being so disconnected from him. Most of them can’t really understand him or what he’s gone through I suppose?? It’s not their faults, it’s just how it is. Society has literally thrown him to wolves. His government striped him of his autonomy, has used him for it’s benefit and now it’s people look at him like this couldn’t have been avoided, that it’s something so sad, to be pitied. Which is also why I love pavlevi bc Pav is the only person that Levi can truely connect with. Someone else who’s gone through the same bullshit, torn apart by the same world. They are both cut from the same stone, just at different stages and coping in different ways which I think is interesting. And it’s so sad because why the hell does it have to be some Bremen fuck that actually treats him like a person and not just something to pity.
As for Pav’s side of the coin. I just really like to torture him. Due to what he’s gone through and seen, being in the army around the same age as Levi, if not younger. I feel like he’d see Levi as being fit to make his own damn decisions. It’s none of Pav’s business, Levi can do whatever and he honestly does not give a shit. But as they get closer I feel like I think Levi brings out all the guilt and shame Pav bottled up and pushed far down in his psyche. Like… he’s had to kill so many just like Levi, all to even get a chance at killing Kaiser. All of it being a glorified elaborate destructive suicide mission. And he’s very fucked up about it. Dread sets in for Pav because??? He’s a terrible person??? He’s had to wear this mask for so long, he doesn’t even know who he really is. Levi is just troubled and has been put in one unfair situation after another. Pav couldn’t move forward and purposely put himself in those situations and did those fucked up things. I also think it’s interesting to think of them as like an intimacy of convenience. Bc they both know they have no future and might die at any second, but it’s better to hold someone’s hand than be alone when you die.
Other tidbits!!
They are fucking funny, like c’mon getting bossed around by the enemy, and a LIEUTENANT on top of that, is fucking hilarious
I feel like you got this from the rant b4 but the Angst potential is crazyyyyy
Pav teasing Levi and making him all flustered, HELLOO??? I love blushy levi
Pav traversing caring for someone else that isn’t himself bc he’s fundamentally a self serving person gggghhh
IFUCKING LOVE DOOMED RELATIONSHIPS RAHHHHHHHHHHH
The way their heavily different personalities clash would be fun
Having someone there who's gone through what you've suffered through is so comforting. you're not alone anymore….. IM SICK IN THE HEAD
I think Levi should be allowed to kiss boys as a treat
I also think he should be allowed to shoot Pav in the head as a treat
As for the age gap.. I don’t like it at all ofc. 😭😭 It’s definitely not ideal. And I can 100% understand how that can be a deal breaker….. but I also feel like people baby Levi too much? He has 1 breakdown because he just got back from war, is going through heroin withdrawals, everyone in his home town has been turned into violent monsters, he’s hearing voices and someone just tried to kill him and he gets labeled a wimp. You put a guy in the worst situation ever and he cries ONCE and ppl call him a crybaby and infantilise him 💀 He’s stronger than people give him credit for… but that’s more of a problem with fandom than anything.
Also like… I tried….. I really tried to not like pavlevi….. But I’m way too fucking autistic abt them. It’s so bad that when I see them I get an adrenaline rush and do laps around my kitchen. I’m so serious. These guys are like pseudo drugs to me, I need to chop my head off.
And ofc I wouldn’t support 18 and 30 smth irl, that’s fucking gross……… And I would say the same for a stalker and her victim.. because look, I love S4marina, but it’s basically in the same boat as Pavlevi to me..
This being a fandom that should primarily be adults, I feel like ppl should understand that. Yk, having better common sense and media literacy to understand this stuff ain’t okay irl. I still realise it’s not everyone’s thing and I’m not trying to convince ppl to like it, just explain why I like it (NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THEM LIKE I DO, I NEED TO DIE)…. Anyway uuhm I understand it makes some ppl uncomfy, which is valid! Just don’t go into spaces where you’ll be exposed to it ig??? If you seriously don’t like it, the block button/blocking tags is right there. I do that too !!
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starlesseyes · 2 years
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#hello it's 4 am and i'm lonely#i feel very disconnected from everyone in my life#like not to sound like a 14yo emo on main but no one understands me lmao#i just want to be with someone who feels like home#someone who loves the things i love and not just because i love them so we can actually bond over them and i won't feel like a fuckin freak#or worse that i'm just being tolerated or they're not even listening to me and just zoning out while i gush over things#i can literally feel when people don't care about what i'm talking about and it makes me feel so small and stupid and humiliated and LONELY#lately my best friend has been telling me how sad she is bc she feels like no one will ever love her romantically#and it hurts me to hear bc i know she's wonderful and deserving of love but i can't possibly convince her of that yknow#and it's weird bc i feel this way about myself too but i don't think much about it? or i didn't before she started telling me how she felt#like before this i was just coming to terms with my last relationship and thinking about the self work i wanna do before i try dating again#but lately i've been crying every single night thinking i'll never get my shit together and therefore no one will ever want to date me#like i truly feel unworthy of romantic love#ugh i probably should just let myself go to sleep when i have these thoughts lmao instead of staying up and dwelling on them#i'm definitely sleepy enough#i just don't want tomorrow to come bc then i'll have to go to work again. i want to enjoy the peaceful nighttime just a little bit longer.
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tvrningout · 3 months
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what if… i said i might wanna try writing on discord… how would we feel
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girlwithfish · 4 months
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anyone else feel like this also what is it. what is wrong
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neverendingford · 26 days
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#tag talk#fuck. I might just be a straight woman.#like. I like men. and the more I transition the more I vibe with binary womanhood.#sure I don't like getting shoved into restrictive femininity. but I vibe with womanhood as separate from femininity.#anyway. I might be straight. and In ten years it's very possible that being trans becomes a much less huge part of my life#because it will stop being something that I do and something that I wish for and simply something that I am#yeah yeah whatever hi my name is Reggie and I like men#I just. as much as I don't like certain restrictive gender roles I find myself slotting very comfortably into others#and I realize that my idea of gender and their roles was very much shaped by my female role models growing up#and a lot of the disconnect and distress when growing up was due to not being able to follow the path everyone else did.#all my girl friends were growing up into women and I was stuck on the man track.#and being gay was the closest I could get to being myself#but I'm closer than I've ever been before to being able to live my truth as myself#still not gonna shave my legs unless it's sometime in the future for a very specific event.#I like them fuzzy. they make me feel cool.#I like having some cultural masculinity still. I just don't want to be defined by it#talking about my binary trans experience is always a little weird because I'm aware of how binary I'm describing things#and I get that if my words were used to describe someone else's experience it might end up sounding hella transphobic#but these words are for me. they're my experience. they're my life not someone else's.#and this is how my identity works.#it's like how feminism protects the right of trad wives to be trad wives.#we just gotta recognize that just because one woman wants to be the designated dishwasher not every woman feels that way.#anyway. I might be dating a guy by this time next week. he's cool so far and we kinda got match-made by a mutual friend#we watched Redline tonight and it's hella good#he's really cool but I feel like I've got something to provide and to bring to the relationship. so we're still on peer-level I think.#which is new. usually I'm way ahead of the other person. maybe my fault for fishing in the bad fish barrel#the emotionally damaged and burdened fish barrel.
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aerithisms · 26 days
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i think maybe i need to replay rebirth some time to look at this diplomatically because aerith is My Favourite and i might be biased but i think my biggest story critique of rebirth is that i wish they'd done a little more with her. given that this is the game she dies in i found it strange that they didn't push her into the foreground a little more since this is their last real chance to do that with her as a living member of the party (i'm sure she'll show up in some limited capacity in part 3 but dead lifestream!aerith is pretty different to alive!aerith i think).
i know that sounds like a weird thing to say when you consider stuff like them giving her the game's theme song to sing during loveless and the fact that the last chapter is basically The Aerith Movie but there is a strange lack of focus on her in moments where it feels like we should get more from her throughout the narrative. this game pushes tifa and cloud's relationship more in the mandatory story segments, and i LOVED what they did with that relationship in this game, but it felt odd that the same focus was not given to cloud's relationship with aerith throughout the story given that the ending hinges on him being so devastated by her death that he enters a delusional state of grief. and this isn't even a shipping thing bc as far as shipping goes i'm an aerti truther and i feel pretty equally neutral about both cloti and clerith as romances (if anything i prefer cloti!). it's about giving proper narrative buildup to the relationship that the game's tragic ending hinges on - a lot of aerith's most interesting scenes with cloud in the bulk of the game are optional, which i think is a weird thing to do given what the game is building to.
i also wish they did more with her being a cetra! again, the last couple chapters put focus on this but prior to that aerith is weirdly quiet about it. particularly in cosmo canyon, while we do get the lovely bonfire scene, aerith otherwise has a weird lack of dialogue when it comes to the lore dump scenes with the gi and bugenhagen. i expected her to feel some type of way about these revelations but any indication of that is at best subtext and she doesn't really say a lot about it. and for all that they emphasise aerith and nanaki's connection early on as beings closer to the planet, once you get to cosmo canyon there's a weird lack of payoff for it. same with tifa's dunk in the lifestream - i kinda thought aerith might have something to say about it as a cetra, and in fairness i think it's possible she did and the game is withholding some of aerith and tifa's offscreen interactions for part 3 (i swear this isn't even just an aerti cope lol i think the fact that they deliberately show them talking without us getting to hear it might be something they come back to), but i also wish we got to connect with this part of aerith's character more NOW, while she's still here, so it can inform our understanding of her choices and feelings at the end. i just find it kind of a bummer because aerith's complicated relationship to her heritage is a fascinating aspect of her character and her tragedy that i think goes a little untapped in this game, which means it's likely to go untapped in the story as a whole since she's. you know. dead.
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dinsdjrn · 1 year
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my brain is no beuno this week, esp. bc i can’t be at the barn so here is happier me from a few weeks ago.
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jarvis-cockhead · 7 months
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i dont rlly have a big following here at all but i do appreciate anyone who interacts with my stuff immensely and suddenly felt the need to say it. ive been going through some stuffTM and its been a whole ass time and im still reeling tbh. it has been a hell of a time but tumblr still feels like such a cozy comfy place .. i forever long to connect more with people here but never know how. anyway idk where this post is going but haii hi im still here forever just a little funny in the head rn :3
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every day i wake up and ask “how can I defy the horrible and restrictive beauty standards placed on women and reclaim my personhood?” And I encourage everyone to do the same.
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surrender-souls · 2 years
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i need to make a trans allegory now.
#i hate this life the person everyone knows isnt me#shes my sister and i killed her and now im wearing her skin around and no one knows it#no one even noticed. no one knows me they all know her and god im sick of this#i want to have my own life i want to be able to meet people for the first time in my life#im 16 and no one has ever met me in the flesh. no one knows who i am. my parents have never met me#have never seen me. i dont know if theyll ever be introduced to me.#its the problem i had long ago i was so lonely because no one really knew me. and no one does still.#its an awful thing but im almost through ill go away and try to redo these years but it makes me sick#i want to live like a normal person i want people to call my name i want silly posters on my wall i want to complain with my friends#about the small things because the big things wouldn’t exist. i wouldnt think of death when things go against me#im worried ill fall out of guitar again i dont want to panic but i dont want to loose guitar its a passion of mine but i dont know#if i can support it on my own and if i cant i dont want to lose it or else ill cry and think of death again#and i wish there was a world where i could have lived like any other teen and have a happier time#and i wouldnt have to spend my time when im allowed to be out to mourn everything that prevented my happiness and health#ive had a teacher tell me getting older was awful when i was so happy for it to come#i want to get older i want to get old and i want to be able to prevent this. i dont want another one to experience this unhappiness#its such a certain feeling and you can see its not one you can get out of easily. you have to wait it out#im very happy to be trans it makes me feel so right but the limitations given to me by the world because of this#are horrible things. its like being disconnected from everyone else. watching them but never being able to be them#a distinct alienation not borne from any hatred from these people but from the things i am not allowed#i speak
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pleafyistired · 2 months
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love being here cause i can be free and happy of shit and be oblivious and watch funny people do march ideas and cat photos and cool people showing me characters i have no interest it. its great i love it! its such a great place to relax and im so thankful to this place for teaching me "hey. chill. enjoy yourself. dont let other people force you into things you dont want to do and convince you youre evil for not doing it. maybe shit stucks, but fuck it we ball, and we're all together for this shit in the end"
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a-book-of-creatures · 6 months
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And since I just reposted something about Animorphs, here's more required reading - K. A. Applegate's letter to the fans after the series ended. Removing spoilers just in case because you need to go out there and read every one of the 60 or so books.
Dear Animorphs Readers: Quite a number of people seem to be annoyed by the final chapter in the Animorphs story. There are a lot of complaints that [spoilers]. That there was no grand, final fight-to-end-all-fights. That there was no happy celebration. And everyone is mad about the cliffhanger ending. So I thought I'd respond. Animorphs was always a war story. Wars don't end happily. Not ever. Often relationships that were central during war, dissolve during peace. Some people who were brave and fearless in war are unable to handle peace, feel disconnected and confused. Other times people in war make the move to peace very easily. Always people die in wars. And always people are left shattered by the loss of loved ones. That's what happens, so that's what I wrote. [spoilers] That doesn't by any means cover everything that happens in a war, but it's a start. Here's what doesn't happen in war: there are no wondrous, climactic battles that leave the good guys standing tall and the bad guys lying in the dirt. Life isn't a World Wrestling Federation Smackdown. Even the people who win a war, who survive and come out the other side with the conviction that they have done something brave and necessary, don't do a lot of celebrating. There's very little chanting of 'we're number one' among people who've personally experienced war. I'm just a writer, and my main goal was always to entertain. But I've never let Animorphs turn into just another painless video game version of war, and I wasn't going to do it at the end. I've spent 60 books telling a strange, fanciful war story, sometimes very seriously, sometimes more tongue-in-cheek. I've written a lot of action and a lot of humor and a lot of sheer nonsense. But I have also, again and again, challenged readers to think about what they were reading. To think about the right and wrong, not just the who-beat-who. And to tell you the truth I'm a little shocked that so many readers seemed to believe I'd wrap it all up with a lot of high-fiving and backslapping. Wars very often end, sad to say, just as ours did: with a nearly seamless transition to another war. So, you don't like the way our little fictional war came out? You don't like [spoilers]? You don't like that one war simply led to another? Fine. Pretty soon you'll all be of voting age, and of draft age. So when someone proposes a war, remember that even the most necessary wars, even the rare wars where the lines of good and evil are clear and clean, end with a lot of people dead, a lot of people crippled, and a lot of orphans, widows and grieving parents. If you're mad at me because that's what you have to take away from Animorphs, too bad. I couldn't have written it any other way and remained true to the respect I have always felt for Animorphs readers. K.A. Applegate
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fiveht · 2 months
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Proof of life (Adore pt 3)
Hello my sweet angel babies ♥️
I'm not going to be able to adequately express my gratitude for the steady stream of love (and concern, sorry) I've been receiving over the past couple of months. I'm so sorry I've been AWOL, it will definitely happen again. Because see, for me, I usually have to make a choice between social and creative fandom participation. My battery is small, and takes a long time to charge.
Thank you to everyone who's left comments and asks and DMs since I've been gone. I don't think I can respond to all of it, but rest assured those messages ping my cold, dead heart every time I see them.
So I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I did this same thing months and months ago, when I was working on Head Over Feet, and let me be clear: posting even a single word of a WIP goes against my every instinct and principle as an author. I am someone who likes to finish an entire story before I post any of it, and on top of that, I am NOT a fast writer, so the expectations that I'm setting up here might not be advisable. But I did it before and managed to finish the thing, and I want to give you guys something in exchange for being so unbelievably awesome, so here I am again.
This will probably be the only time I mention this story in public until it's finished and posted, and inquiries about my progress are unlikely to help with the writing process, I'm just saying. I reserve the right to change every last word of this before the final draft, and I also reserve the right to fall off the face of the planet and simply never finish it, as much as I will strive to prevent that from happening. Please be patient with me.
Anyway, here is my paltry offering to say thanks for the love: the (VERY rough) first ~1300 words of the third instalment of The Adventures of Soft Daddy and Danger Twink.
Sirius secures his handheld shower head to its holder at the edge of his clawfoot tub, and steps out carefully onto the bathmat. He shivers in the cool air outside the shower curtain; it's about twenty degrees below zero outside, so even if he could afford to run his ancient radiator at full blast, it probably wouldn't help much.
He dries himself off and checks his reflection in the mirror, turning his face this way and that as he tugs his hair out of the bun he'd piled it into to keep it dry during his shower. There's no need for makeup tonight, not when he's not even planning to put on clothes.
It's incrementally warmer when he steps out into the main room of his apartment. He gathers an array of splayed text books and notes from his bed and dumps them carelessly onto the couch, then closes his new laptop and places it delicately on the coffee table. It's the most expensive thing he owns, save for the Gucci backpack currently sitting in his wardrobe with a three-inch berth around it like his shoes and other bags might somehow contaminate it. It's weird owning rich-people stuff when you are still, objectively, broke as fuck.
He perches on the edge of his bed and sets his phone to charge, because his battery doesn't even last a day anymore, and he's going to need it this evening. He tucks it in next to his pillow and picks up his new toy.
The plug isn't much larger than the one he already has. A little longer, which is appealing, but no wider, so it shouldn't be a challenge to get it in comfortably. He disconnects it from its charger and hefts it in his hand, feeling the added weight from the electronics inside.
He picks up his phone, and hesitates when he sees the notification waiting for him.
Rieka: let's go out tomorrow
Rieka: the fact that we haven't been drunk since the term started is criminal
Rieka: we've had two chem labs and zero drinks
Sirius purses his lips, thumbs hovering over the keyboard. There's a fine line here, and he hasn't quite found it yet.
Me: got plans
Me: raincheck?
So complete avoidance is the best strategy, right?
Rieka: booooo 👎
He sighs, but at least she's not asking for an explanation. He opens a different conversation then, pushing all thoughts of Rieka Lupin into a tidy, sealed compartment, not to be opened during certain activities with a certain relative of hers.
Me: i'm ready
Me: are you in your office?
Daddy: Yup, I've got a few minutes
Daddy: Want me to call?
Instead of answering, Sirius hits the call button himself.
"Hey baby," Remus answers. His voice is already smooth and honey-sweet, and just from that, Sirius knows he's planning to lay it on thick tonight.
"Hi daddy," Sirius says with a smile. "Should I put it in now?"
There's a low chuckle over the line. "Are we feeling eager?"
"Always," Sirius says, laying back on his bed.
"Use the good lube I got you, it's gonna be in there a while."
He switches the call to speaker, and snags the bottle from his nightstand. "I threw out the old stuff, you've got me ruined for cheap lube."
"Only the best for that ass," Remus says, and Sirius can hear his smirk.
He gives the plug a liberal coating, running his fingers along its shape, his dick twitching just at the feel of the silky-smooth silicone, at the anticipation of what's about to happen. He spreads his legs wide, drawing one knee up to give himself easier access.
"Take it slow," Remus says, succinctly heading off Sirius' impulse to just shove the thing inside himself in one go. "Rub the tip against yourself, so you're nice and wet."
Sirius shuts his eyes as he obeys, sliding the slick end of the toy over his entrance. "Okay."
"Are you going to be a good boy for daddy tonight?"
"Uh-huh," Sirius says, teasing the very tip of the plug in and out of his hole.
"Tell me how."
"I'm not gonna touch."
"You're not gonna touch, and you're not gonna come."
"Yeah," Sirius says. His cock is starting to harden as his body tries to draw the plug inside. "Can I put it in, daddy?"
"Slow," Remus reminds him, "Slide it in nice and slow for me, baby."
Sirius catches his lip between his teeth and tries to push the plug in slowly, the way he knows Remus would do if he was here. 
The shower has left him relaxed and more than ready, and it's hard not to take advantage, just press the toy in to its limit because he can. But he's working on his patience -- under Remus' careful tutelage -- so he shuts his eyes and tries to savour it, the tease of the plug's rubber tip at his entrance, the slow stretch as he eases it past the slight resistance before he sighs, and his body eagerly accepts the intrusion.
"Mmmm," Sirius sighs as he settles the base of the plug flush against his entrance, shifting his hips and feeling the constant, dull pressure against his prostate.
"How's it feel?" 
"Good," Sirius says, splaying his legs out and just enjoying the pleasant fullness. It's been almost a week since Remus last fucked him, and that's just way too long. Christmas really spoiled him. He tugs the blankets up around him, because it's going to take some time before his body temperature is high enough to fight against the chill in his apartment.
"Have you tried out the settings at all?" Remus asks him, and Sirius picks up the phone, switching off speaker and holding it to his ear.
"No," he says, grinding his ass down against the bed to test the plug's reach inside him. "I thought you'd rather do the honours."
Remus hums, and Sirius hears the phone shifting in his grip. "I'm gonna turn it on, okay? Lowest setting."
"O--" Sirius stutters as the plug buzzes to life inside him, nestled snug against his prostate and sending little zings of pleasure down his legs. "Fuck that feels good. That's the lowest setting?"
"It is," Remus confirms. "Want to run through them all, see how high it goes? Or would you rather be surprised?"
"Mmmm, surprise me."
"Surprise it is," Remus says, and Sirius hears shuffling papers in the background as he prepares for his night class. Psychology 1001, Thursdays, 7-9:30PM. Two and a half hours of a lecture that Remus swears he's given so many times he could recite it in his sleep, so why not give himself something fun to focus on while he goes through the motions? 
Being privy to all of this brilliant, upstanding man's secret perversions is a privilege Sirius does not take lightly.
"You can turn it off from the app if you need to," Remus is saying, "Or you can call me and I'll switch it off. My phone's on vibrate, so I'll see it right away."
Sirius smiles to himself. "Got it," he says, though this is a rehashing of the rules that Remus had laid out when he'd brought the plug over last weekend. He'd called it a "late Christmas gift", as if he hadn't already given Sirius several thousand dollars worth of presents on Christmas morning.
There's more rustling over the line, the squeak of a chair. 
"Tell me again how you're going to be good tonight."
"I'm not gonna touch myself, and I'm not gonna come." The toy is still buzzing away inside him, making everything a little fuzzy at the edges. 
"Tell me why."
"'Cause daddy's in charge, even when he's not here."
"Good boy."
Sirius squirms with pleasure, his cock smearing a little drop of fluid on his belly as the toy hums insistently at his prostate.
"I have to head out," Remus says. "How do you feel?"
"Good," Sirius says, his abs tensing as he shifts his legs and the angle of the toy changes. "Excited."
"Me too," Remus says softly. "I'll talk to you soon, beautiful. Send me some pictures." With a low beep, the call disconnects.
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blublublujk · 5 months
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bound 2 (falling in love)
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oneshot
word count: 6.5k
genre: fwb to lovers
pairing: yoongi x reader
summary:
You and Yoongi were okay with being friends with benefits... until you weren't.
warnings: i tried to focus on fluff (did you catch it or did i fail), explicit sexual content; unprotected sex (they make love to each other), choking and breath play (hello it's yoongi), multiple orgasms, slight overstimulation, crying (is it really my ff if there's no crying involved), creampie, very cute aftercare and i think that’s all, this is more sweet than anything lol
a.n: believe it or not this wasn't apart of my drafts i wrote this all one night because i couldn't sleep so thank my insomnia for this, it was about time i write about yoongi :D
also i noticed a lot of you are reading it was destiny and love always wins and i wish you guys wouldn't only because i plan to rewrite some of it and continue them at a further time (chaptered ffs are so hard for me rn since i don't have all the time in the world to dedicate myself to them but i promise to be back with those two series) thank you for everyone who takes time to read what i write it really means so much and your comments have been so motivating. thank you so fucking much for 2k notes on good girl, gone bad i havent seen numbers like that ever im so so grateful, thank you from the bottom of my heart. i'll try to be back one or two more times this month and happy late birthday to me hehe <3
—> m.list
—> welcome me on ao3 & twt
—-
It happened again.
Another failed date to add to the sad list of people that simply will never workout for you.
The list was growing longer as months passed. When you started this list, it was barely the start of a very hot summer. Probably the hottest it’s been in years, one can only assume the winter will not be any easier. 
And you were right. Winter was only beginning and it was brutally cold. The streets were moist from the previous night of harsh rainfall. 
What better time to date and settle down than now. When the world gives you rain, settle for the warm arms of a lover.
Unfortunately, you made a grave mistake thinking this would come easy. Ten first dates later and you are still very single and loverless. 
It is not easy to go out during a time like now, suffering at the sight of happy couples and their stupid happy lives. Really, it should disgust you. It used to. The whole concept of devoting your entire life to someone. The need to constantly feel the tender touch of another person. The desire to fall in love and do it all over again, you get it now. At least, you think you do. 
“I don’t think this is gonna work.” The words fall from your mouth in a quiet rush. The man across you sits in silence before he smiles in his loss. 
“Don’t worry, I figured. It seems your mind was elsewhere. I know you don’t want to pursue anything romantically, and that’s fine with me, but is everything okay?” 
Is everything okay? Well currently, yeah you’re okay. As for your heart, it’s heavy and strangely, you feel there’s a hole in your chest and it needs to be filled. That would fix things, you think. You have been single for so long that you forgot what it was like to love and cherish someone. Not that you have ever truly loved or cherished anyone, but you’ve gotten close. If a silly relationship you had in your sophomore year of high school counts. Then yes, you’ve totally been in love. 
“I’m okay. Thanks for asking. I didn’t mean to lead you on, if it ever felt like I did.” The apology seems bitter in your mouth. Another failed fucking attempt. How difficult can dating be? Have you really been this disconnected with the world around you? 
“Don’t stress it! Things happen. I hope you can find what you’re looking for. See you… around?” The man’s understanding response makes you feel worse. Maybe you should consider deleting Tinder and finding love naturally, if that’s still a thing in the contemporary life. 
“Yeah, totally!” And like that you’re off to the next. Giving yourself plenty of time to bathe in your disappointment and miserably cry about your failed attempts at finding what you’ve been missing. Who knew dating could be so difficult?
The walk back home is just as cold as the outcome of today’s date. Your date insisted he could drive you home and if not that then pay for a cab, but you didn’t live too far from the restaurant you both met at. Though he insisted, you figured this walk could refresh you after yet another failure. You were starting to regret it as the cold wind started roughly hitting your skin. Preserving the chilly weather, you genuinely couldn’t wait to get home and wrap yourself in a bundle of warm blankets and comfortable clothes. 
Cold hands struggle to open your door, you blow on them with warm puffs of breaths, soon making your way in and getting comfortable in your humble apartment. 
yoon: you up?
And that, that is what made this harder. The fact that you knew there was someone completely capable of loving and caring for you the way you desired. You have seen it with your own eyes. Every time you ended up in his bed, in his arms, you felt it. Deep down you know something is there and that something beats everything else. Maybe you’re just delusional, but you look for him in everyone else and you hate it. Hate because you will never be anything more than his personal little whore that comes at the sound of his call. 
me: yeah
Normally, you aren’t dry over texts, especially not with him so he’ll see right through you. You’re hoping for once, he can ignore it. 
He won't. 
yoon: you ok?
me: been better
yoon: wanna talk about it?
me: no, i'm ok
yoon: ok, wanna come over? 
Yes, because during a time like this all you want is the comfort and warmth of someone else’s touch and Yoongi has never failed at giving that to you. But he is not yours.
And you are not his. 
me: not feeling well. sorry.
yoon: sick? 
A white lie never hurt anyone. 
me: yeah, throat hurts
yoon: im sorry 
me: it's not your fault maybe another time.
Though you really shouldn’t say that. There should be no next time. That way you don’t suffer any longer and drag him down with you, considering everything you’ve been feeling and dealing with lately. It’s not fair to Yoongi, but especially yourself.
He doesn’t reply anymore and you can’t even hide your disappointment. You aren’t disappointed at him, okay maybe a little bit at him, but mainly yourself and your recently found complicated feelings. 
You and Yoongi started this whole mess a year ago, before you even realized what you truly wanted. It started off with subtle flirting here and there. They say not to mess with coworkers, given that it can complicate things at work and one should never play with their main source of income, but you did it anyway. You are still young and he only made you feel younger, like a teenage girl crushing over her forbidden crush at church. It was silly, but Yoongi made it easy. 
The flirting turned to one thing, then another. 
“We shouldn’t, not here.” Yoongi had you pinned outside the club you both worked at, leaving trails of wet kisses down your throat.
“Five more minutes.” His words were muffled into your skin as his hands explored your body. Yoongi’s touch was always way too soft for his own good and you fell victim to his deadly warmth. 
“If Mr. Kim finds out, he’ll kill us and fire us both.” That was a bit dramatic on your part and you swore you felt the taller smiling against your neck.
Yoongi drops one last kiss on your cheek as his hot breath hits your ear. “Not if I kill him first.”
You gasped, pushing him off you with a quick smack to his chest. “D-Don’t even joke like that.” 
Yoongi just laughed. 
“Okay, okay baby.” The term of endearment fell from his lips too easily and you melted into the dark night. “See you after work?” 
You only nodded, not being able to deny his temporary warmth and sweet presence. Then he dropped a kiss on your lips, leaving you just as quick as when he first found you. You were fucked.
From there, it only got worse for your sake. Your heart could only take so much. 
Really, you should blame things on him. It was his fault you fell in love with him and his stupidly soft hands. It was all his fault! He left you no choice but to love the feel of his lips against your skin, to easily melt under his soft gaze, and find comfort in his unnecessarily warm bed. Yoongi was perfect. Everything you could ever want. 
That’s why it was so fucking hard. Dating was hard enough, but after feeling Yoongi’s intimate touch, you were a complete goner. Though he was far from it, Yoongi touched you like you were his and he would fuck you like a lover would. Kissing and making love to you as if you were the most beautiful woman on Earth. It was all too much. 
Fuck, you really needed to get a grip.
The knock on your door makes you jump from your couch. 
Ten minutes longer and you would have fallen asleep exactly where you were lying. In outside clothes and all. You didn’t even bother taking off the outfit you had carefully planned thinking that this lucky outfit would have finally taken you somewhere. It didn’t. 
“Coming!” There’s not a single person that should be outside your door, especially at this hour. Your feet make their way to the door regardless and the blood from your face drains when you see the person standing behind the door. 
Quickly, you unlock your front door, rushing the taller inside. “Hurry! It’s freezing! What are you doing out here?” 
Yoongi’s cheeks are surely frozen, a pink dust decorates his cheeks and the tip of his nose. It almost makes him look cute. You were far more gone than you imagined. 
He hustles inside, carrying a fairly large brown bag with him. He brought… groceries? 
“Took you long enough.” The taller one makes himself at home, laying his bag on your coffee table. 
“What are you even doing here?” You ask again. 
He ignores you. “Thought you said you were sick. You don’t look very sick?” 
Yoongi looks at you with a questioning look, his eyes wander your outfit and guilt starts eating your insides. 
You cross your arms, an attempt to hide yourself in shame, but what’s done is done. “I- I had plans.” 
“Yeah, I see that.” He simply says, standing awkwardly in your living area. 
If this doesn’t convince you to delete that forsaken app for the sake of your dignity and shameful behavior, you don’t know what will.
“Anyways, w-what brings you here?” 
“Brought you some stuff.” His hand waves over to the bag he carried inside. 
“Stuff?” You question, a bit dumbfounded, planted still in your place.
“Tea, cough drops, some soup I made earlier this week. Oh and flowers.” Yoongi doesn’t seem at all embarrassed or fazed about the situation. Not that he should be, but he speaks with a puff to his chest, as if he wanted to ensure you understood his every word and action. Like any concerned lover would be. As if he was yours and you were his.
Oh.
This was so so bad. For you and your weak heart. Fuck.
“I-“ 
He cuts you off before you even get to speak. “I don’t know if you’ll like it. It’s just some plain seaweed soup. Usually helps me when I’m sick. I’m not sure what flowers you like, or if you even like flowers. Do you? Their tulips. I did a bit of research before. My mom likes tulips. I figured you might like them too.” 
He did research? Double fuck! 
Yoongi was nervously rambling, now he was slightly embarrassed. Pink flushes his cheeks and it wasn’t the weather’s doing this time. 
“Yoongi…” You start breathlessly and in disbelief. 
“What?” He nearly stutters, his hand is shaking. He’s nervous. Who would have thought? 
“Why.” Is all you manage to ask. 
“You were sick.” Is all he replies. As if things were really that simple. What next? Would he come rushing to the hospital if you suddenly fell ill? God forbid, but it was a valid question. 
What was going on? For a second, you entertain the idea. Maybe he fell in love between the blurry lines of this complicated relationship. Were the shared intimate memories too special for him to forget too? You weren’t sure anymore, but what did this all mean? Maybe he loves you, as much as you love him.
Thoughts keep spinning and you wish there was an easier way to turn off your brain. Not now.
“I know, but why? Why all this? Why for me?” Your vulnerability is showing and it makes you feel weak. Maybe your hands are shaking too. 
“I don't understand?” Yoongi searches for the answer in your glossy eyes, he’s tempted to reach out and comfort you. Have you in his hands, but he’s too coward. He doesn’t want you to feel the shiver of his touch right now. His vulnerability peaks through as well. 
Why not you? It’s always going to be you. 
“I-I’m nothing to you.” There’s a shiver again and then you break. 
Yoongi doesn’t care anymore. He’ll consider the consequences later. Right now, none of it matters.
His hands hold your face, ready to wipe the tears that threaten to leak from your precious eyes. He hopes his hands aren't cold anymore from standing outside for so damn long, but he couldn’t stop himself, in his selfishness and all.
His hands shake slightly, trying to stay strong as he lays it all on the table. “Y/N, you’re everything to me.” He whispers, eyes never leaving yours.
You lay your own hands on his, you feel so delicate around him when you wrap warm hands around his cold wrists.
“I-I am?” You ask between sniffles. His hands are still pretty cold, but they’ll soon warm up against your soft skin. Nobody knows how desperately you need to be touched until you are and then it’s like little fireworks spark inside your body. It consumes you in the best way possible.
“Of course. I thought I made that obvious.” His eyes are soft, different to how he typically looks at you, but you’ve seen these same eyes before. They are no stranger. It’s similar to the look he gives you when you catch him staring at you while you are deep in work. He pretends to look away as if he wasn’t admiring you from afar and you pretend that you don’t notice his curious eyes. It’s the same look he has after you both end up in heated makeout sessions, behind the rusty club you both work at. And it’s definitely the same look he has while he settles on top of you, whispering sweet words of praise and promise.
Nothing should feel different but it just does, there’s something in the way he looks down at you that lets you know that everything you’ve been searching for has always been right here. Right where you’ve been all along.
The taller leans in and you freeze struggling to keep your eyes on his. Yoongi’s thumb brushes against your cheek with a soft touch. You were fragile between his hands and he’s willing to do anything to keep his precious flower safe. “Can I kiss you?” 
“Yes. Please.” You whisper back in a hurry, scared that this would be nothing but a dream. It wasn’t time for you to wake up yet.
His eyes zero-in on your lips and then he’s kissing you. It’s not much different from other times. After all, you guys have shared plenty of kisses, probably more than you should have considering you guys were friends with benefits, at most. But this time, the kiss isn’t just a careless lust-filled doing, no this time the kiss is a promise. The promise to never again allow you to question his feelings and intentions towards you. 
If Yoongi has to spend his whole life making this up to you, he simply would because that’s how much you meant to him. He can’t believe he even let this go on for this long. He should have been more clear and careful, but he doesn’t regret a damn thing. Not when he has all the time in the world to repair the time lost. And especially not when his reckless actions led him to this. To you.
Yoongi’s lips are soft and bend with yours with ease. He takes his time, never in a rush. Especially not when he has you in-hand. 
The taller doesn’t escalate the kiss. He keeps it sweet and gentle, like he always has been. “I’m so sorry baby.” 
Kiss.
“For?” 
Kiss.
Yoongi has the whole world in his hands right now as he looks down into the sparkles in your eyes and he’s never been so sure about anything in his life. “For being a fucking idiot.”
Kiss. 
“It’s okay.” A kiss is shared again. “I was an idiot too. I was just scared that you wouldn’t want that with me.” 
“Want what?” The taller questions, fingers trailing your face, admiring the imperfections and all. 
“A relationship, I mean. You seemed content with how our relationship already was. I was afraid of losing that. Of losing you.” You admit, eyes fluttering at his touch. 
“Of course, I want that. I want that and more. I-I’m not the best with relationships. I’m only saying this because I want to be open and honest with you. There’s not a second you aren’t on my mind. While at work, you are all I can see. In a crowd of a hundred, my eyes always find yours. I don’t know how to explain what you do to me. But I don’t mind. I think if I ever lost that, I would lose my mind. So I’m sorry if I ever made you feel the opposite. There’s so much more I want to say, but I just don’t know how. I want that. I want that so bad. A relationship and whatever more you give me. I might not be the best boyfriend but I’ll do whatever it takes. I- I love you.” Yoongi’s words are heartfelt and he’s so relieved. One because he’s been keeping this in for so long, any longer and he would have exploded, but second because he’s been dying to say those three words. He really does love you and Yoongi doesn’t love many people in life, but if he had to choose, it’s always gonna be you. 
The tears that were creeping on your eye-lids fall prettily down your face, but Yoongi comes to your rescue. He’s quick to wipe them off your pretty face, tempted to kiss them away, but he keeps that in for now. “Y-Yoongi… I love you too. So much. I think I always have. You are so easy to love. The way you look at me, care for me, and always show up for me. That says more about you than anything else. I tried dating to get over what I felt for you, as you can probably tell, but nothing worked. It was so easy, Yoongi. So easy to fall in love with you. You’re perfect and I don’t doubt that you’ll be the best even after all this. I love you.”
“I love you too, I love you. Fuck, I love you.” Yoongi kisses you again and this time he isn’t as gentle. His lips are still soft as ever as they curl around yours. His tongue comes out and you immediately allow access, letting him explore your mouth. The taste is much better now that there isn’t anything you both are holding back. Everything down on the line and you couldn’t be happier. The hole in your heart was never empty, it was just waiting for this exact moment to remind you that you’ve always had it all. 
“Yoongi.” In between breaths you call his name and Yoongi feels his knees lock. “Take me to bed.” 
Yoongi just nods in a trance with the way your tone drips of arousal. A long strand of hair falls on his face when he picks you up with ease off your feet. He takes you to the place he’s had the honor to visit a hundred times before, but it’s different this time, much different. 
In the process of it all, something falls and it causes you both to laugh until you run out of breath. 
“I can’t believe that just happened.” You laugh into his ear. “You owe me a new lamp. My mother bought me that, you know. House-warming gift.”
“Fuck, sorry.” Yoongi mumbles near a whisper as he grips you harder like he’s afraid he might drop you next and the idea makes you giggle because you know he would never purposely hurt you. “I’ll apologize to your mother directly. Buy you and her a new lamp, whatever it takes.”
“What makes you think you are meeting my mother?” You tease with a smile on your face, watching the blush rise on his cheeks. 
“Well, I figured we could, you know, if you would like–” Yoongi doesn’t often get shy about many things but he can’t keep calm around you and that kills him softly.
“I’m just teasing you.” You say and he bites his lip. “Of course you’ll meet my mother and my father and my nosy ass family. I hope you like annoying, persistent grandma’s that stuff you full. My grandma’s the worst of her kind, but she’ll love you.”
“I would love to.” Yoongi simply replies, still whispering as if you guys had to keep quiet or else you’d be in deep trouble. 
“Why are we still whispering?” You whisper back, roaming fingers through his long, gorgeous hair. He needs to remind you to thank his mother personally for insisting he keep his hair long because it made him look pretty and you could never disagree. Yoongi’s so pretty. 
“I-I don’t know.” 
You both smile at each other before sharing another kiss. It’s so sweet and if you weren’t already off your feet, you would be floating by now. He’s gentle when letting you drop into the sheets below, he finds space between your legs and you wrap them around his hips. Lips still in contact, never losing the plushy feel. 
Everything starts to feel hot. Your hips start to slowly grind against his begging for any sort of friction. But the kissing doesn’t stop. 
Not when you start whining against his lips. 
Not even when Yoongi starts trailing his fingers down your waist and around your curves. He teases his fingertips against your waistline, soft to the touch. 
It’s not until you mewl loudly into his mouth, skillful tongue playing with yours, as you feel him start unbuckling your pants, button-by-button. 
Yoongi’s eyes are heavy-lidded, his gaze burning fire. “Gonna take care of you now, is that okay?” 
You furiously nod, coming up to kiss him once more, both your lips are raw and sensitive, but it gives you more of a reason to fix it with even more kisses. 
He drops one quick kiss onto your mouth before he trails down your jaw. Yoongi breathes in the sweet scent on your skin, wishing he could feel you even closer. “Smell so damn good.”
His voice is raspy against your ear and it makes you blush, while you feel his hand finally touch you where you had been aching with need. “Wanna hear you.”
Breathing lightly, you whisper. “Make me.” 
And of course, Yoongi makes you regret how fast you said the words because he delves his fingers forward with little resistance. Two fingers stretch you at the same time, gasping at the sudden sensation. 
By now, you were molded to fit Yoongi’s fingers. On days where you were really in need, you would take four, all at once. Yoongi was best at reading every expression, every crease and scrunch to your face, especially emotions. He knew exactly how to curve his fingers, the way to build you up, and bring you back down. Yoongi knew it all and he was so lucky too. 
He never anticipated it would have gone this far. It was just sex to begin with. But who were you both kidding, it was always much, much more. 
Yoongi curves his fingers in the way he’s used to and watches your mouth drop, sweet noises soon leaving your lips. “Feels good?” 
There’s no need to ask because he can tell. Your expression tells him everything he needs to know. That and the fact that you are dripping around his fingers but it’s sexier hearing it from you. 
“Yeah… f-feels so good.” With his other hand he tugs your clothes off, leaving you bare on the bottom. Remembering the first few times is a bit embarrassing, but Yoongi always made sure to take his time and make you feel comfortable. It was special and memorable in its own way, and Yoongi felt it too. 
This is unlike any first time, but it was technically the first time you could officially make love to each other until you fall lovesick and that had to be impossible around someone like Yoongi. 
“Hold your legs open for me, flower.” You try to ignore the warm feeling that buzzes in your chest, but you are sure your face says it all. Without another word, you spread your legs open, tucking both hands behind your thighs.
“Flower?” You breathe out with a bit of a struggle as his two fingers continue to pump deep inside you, brushing repeatedly against your g-spot. 
“Do you not like it?” Yoongi smiles slightly, biting his bottom lip while he watches you start to tremble, making the prettiest sounds. 
“I do. Why the new name?” Voice a bit unsteady but it does the job. Yoongi thinks of all the times he thought you were as pretty as a flower, which really was all the time. Especially, in the way he has you right now. Pretty, pretty as a flower. 
“I’ve always wanted to call you that. You’re pretty, sweet, delicate. Just like a flower.” He justifies his reasoning and you melt into puddles. 
“Yoongi.” Voice sweet as honey. 
“Yes baby.” He replies with ease.
“Make love to me, Yoongi.” 
There was a time in his life where Yoongi believed he could live without love. How foolish of him to think so. When he met you, it was a complete three-sixty. Suddenly, Yoongi started to look forward to his shit job. He looked forward to that time between breaks where he could admire you from the back like a pinning loser. Yoongi even started to like the walks he had to take to get to work because he knew that the path would eventually lead to you. He started looking forward to tomorrow's and to the bright future that led ahead. His mom would often complain that he was wasting his life away waiting for it to start, but Yoongi thinks life truly started the day he met you. 
It was a bit awkward because you couldn’t even look him in the eyes, intimated by the staff and new environment. You had previously worked in different bars so you assumed it would be no different and it wasn’t, but the intimidation of a new job was there nonetheless. Yoongi was there every step of the way. He had a crush on the new employee and you needed help on fitting in. Either way, your friendship was very platonic until it wasn’t. 
Yoongi knows he should have said something along the lines “hey, maybe we shouldn't be doing this anymore. I’m in love with you and I have been since you started working here” but the stupid words never made it out. He felt it would be too much to hear and it would only make him look like a complete loser. 
And you felt the same. It was silly really, because everyone around you knew it and there was no reason to fear someone as easy going and non-judgemental as Yoongi, nonetheless it brought you both here. After many failed dating attempts, you were finally happy and in the arms of someone who you truly love and want to be loved by. 
There was a time in his life where Yoongi believed he could live without love, now Yoongi believes your precious, sweet love brought him back to life and he wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. 
Clothes now discarded on the floor, heavy breathing filling the room, and Yoongi could get wasted on the smell of your intoxicating perfume. “Breathe flower.”
Yoongi felt you shiver at the sound of his words, throwing your head back as he thrusts you full of cock. He pushes inside you with gentle movements, struggling to keep himself up while feeling the tug of your warm velvet-like walls. 
You gasp feeling him hit your cervix in a calm, slow pace. It was breathtaking regardless of the gentle rhythm. “You’re so deep...”
“I know flower, breathe baby, breathe.” He is struggling to keep from coming inside you, overwhelmed by his own emotions as your eyes roll back, feeling the pressure rise in your belly. Without a condom, everything feels so different from other times, feeling every ridge and crease fold inside your drenching heat. You take him so nicely, like you always have. Like you’ve always belonged to him. 
You don’t even notice you stopped breathing until you start feeling lightheaded and desperate for fresh air. Breathing just as much as necessary so you don’t faint, you shake your head against his hold, his eyes watch yours, observing with curiosity. 
“No?”
“Mm, n-no.” You shake your head again, whimpering when you feel him kiss your cervix with his swollen tip, over and over and over. “Can– can you…”
“Can I what, pretty flower?” Yoongi rolls his hips a bit faster, feeling his orgasm build too quickly. He wishes he could have days with you like this always. Days to love and worship you from head to toe.
“Choke me.” You manage to say. “Don— don’t wanna breathe.” 
Yoongi growls deep, increasing his speed even more, desperate to fill the deepest part of your glistening folds. He feels you tense underneath, the sounds coming from your mouth are loud enough for your neighbors to hear, but Yoongi stopped giving a fuck about everything around him. 
He places a hand on your throat and squeezes gently, not blocking off your airways completely, but leaving you just enough air to work with. It drives you insane. The more you breathe, his rough thrusts take the air out from your lungs and the process repeats. It feels so good.  
“M-more. Harder.” You barely hear your own words, but Yoongi seems to understand because his dick is moving rapidly inside you, nearly splitting you in two. You wrap both hands around his wrist, loving the heavy weight against your chest. It’ll end too soon and it disappoints you in a way, but you have all the time in the world to make this up. “G-Gonna come.” 
Yoongi nods, concentrating on the way your face scrunches with pleasure. With love. The way your eyes tell him a story. God, Yoongi’s madly in love. “Come, my precious flower.” 
With those final words, you come on his bare slick cock, blossoming in the blissful afterglow. Yoongi doesn’t stop thrusting inside you, but he takes his hand off your throat, kissing your face gently when he sees tears start leaking down your cheeks. 
“It’s okay, you’re okay baby. Breathe for me. Slowly.” Yoongi’s words bring you back down and you throw your arms around him, crying against his shoulder. You don’t even know what invoked this strong emotion to sob your eyes out, but Yoongi allows it, caressing the back of your head. Yoongi doesn’t judge, he only holds you until you settle down. “It’s okay baby, let it out. Breathe, pretty flower.” 
“C-Come inside muh-me, please.” Even after all that, you still beg for him and Yoongi wants to laugh but for your sake and the fact that it’s endearing to him, he delivers accordingly without further questions. 
Right as he’s going to paint your walls white, he pushes himself up with one hand, still holding you with the other. “You sure?”
You’re confused about the sudden question, the tears still decorate your face but then you understand. “Birth control. Just come in me Yoongi, fuck me, fu-fuck.”
Yoongi doesn’t hesitate to regain his brutal pace, fucking you with purpose. Not that he doesn’t want kids in the near future, but he sure as hell doesn’t want any right now. He’s glad you are on the same page but maybe one day the conversation would spark and he wouldn’t want the mother of his kids to be anyone else but you. You were perfect for him. 
“Gonna come.” That’s the only warning you get, then he’s emptying himself inside your tight walls. He doesn’t stop rolling his hips, his slit leaking puddles, until he’s pumped himself dry. With one last thrust, he groans and carefully pulls out. 
He brings you with him, head falling against his chest as he continues to play with your hair, leaving kisses into your bare shoulders. “You okay baby?”
“Perfect. Feel so good.” You mumble into his skin, feeling around his waist. “I’m leaking your come into the sheets though.”
“I’ll take care of it, pretty flower.” You nod sleepily into his chest with a quiet ‘thank you’, feeling completely sated and satisfied, aching with exhaustion. “Sleep baby, I got you.”
With that, you fall deep into the shackles of sleep. Yoongi rubs your back until you completely fall asleep in his arms. He struggles to unwrap himself from your hold, but when he finally succeeds, he tucks you in and kisses your cheek a few times before getting up to clean up after the mess you both created. 
He’s light on his feet, bringing a warm towel to your slick folds and wipes as best he can, being gentle so you could continue to enjoy your sleep. Even like this, you look so beautiful and Yoongi is an extremely lucky man. 
Yoongi makes sure to also pick up the lamp he dropped from earlier as well. He blows out a breath of relief when he notices that the damage is nothing big and nothing that can’t be fixed. He’ll make sure to fix that as soon as he can. 
While he’s out there, Yoongi places the tulips into a vase and fills it with water, placing it near a window where it could grow and blossom beautifully near the sunlight. He even cuts the tips into slants because he had heard somewhere online they last longer that way, making sure to get rid of any dead leaves and petals. Yoongi couldn’t be happier.
After he’s done with the light cleaning, he washes his hands and feels the exhaustion hit him tenfold. He’s careful when placing himself back in bed, lifting your arm and placing himself underneath you. The man smiles when he feels you curl yourself around him, sleeping soundlessly. 
“I love you.” He whispers and even though you don’t say it back Yoongi feels it with the way you melt into his arms. Yoongi falls asleep easily that night. 
“Baby.” Yoongi hears someone call him and he ignores it. Sleep calls his name louder and he doesn’t feel like waking up right now so he groans and cuddles deeper into the bedsheets below him, unaware of the life around him. 
“Baby wake up.” You keep calling sweetly and it’s tempting but he persists.
“No. Don’t wanna.” Yoongi grumbles like an old man and you can’t help but to laugh. “Just ten more minutes.”
When you woke up the next morning, you were so thankful Yoongi had kept his promise. Your apartment was flawless and you were as clean as you could be. The tulips looked prettier today as the sun shined on the delicate petals. You even had time to warm the seaweed soup he brought from home and you couldn’t wait to get a taste. The smell alone is delicious and it warmed your home up nicely, you truly couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that this was no longer a dream but your reality. You could definitely get used to this. 
You drop kisses onto his warm cheeks until his eyes flutter open, almost similar to a cat. “There you are.”
Yoongi pulls you into his arms again with quiet noncoherent grumbles and closes his eyes once more. “Give me ten minutes.”
“It’s already been ten.” You whisper lightly laughing. 
“Oh. Ten more then.” You get comfortable on his chest and cuddle for a bit longer because you can’t say no to his cute sleepy self. 
Yoongi starts to sniff the air with curiosity. “Is that the seaweed soup I brought you?” 
“Mhm.” You hum. “Better get up soon before it burns.” 
That manages to be convincing enough and Yoongi forces himself up, with you in his embrace. 
“Wanna wake up like that forever.” He says, voice filled with sleep. 
“You can.” 
Yoongi snaps his heavy eyes towards you. “Are you–”
“Move in with me, Yoongi.” Yes, you skipped every step to this, but nothing was ever to code between you and Yoongi. One thing you were so sure of and that was spending the rest of your life with him. “Please.”
“I- yes, of course.” Yoongi wraps his arms around you for a tight hug, kissing your temple. “I love you. I love you and I’ll prove it to you every single day.” 
“I know, I love you too. I love you.” Those three words come out from your mouths so easily and it’s nice that you no longer have to ever hold back. The man of your dreams is in the palms of your humble home and he’s in love with you. This was better than any dream. 
“Let’s eat?” He says after some time of hugging and kisses being interchanged. 
You nod, letting him take you there. Your kitchen is filled with the cruel aroma of food and your tummy rumbles as you sit comfortably while you wait for him to serve you a bowl of the warm tasty soup. 
“I should be doing that. I’m a terrible host.” Yoongi shakes his head while smiling, the fluff of hair moving with him, then your phone dings. “Hold on, give me a second.” 
Your heart drops when you see it is a Tinder notification from a man you promised to get back to. You look over to find Yoongi serving your bowl, making his way to the table. He leans in puckering slightly and you immediately lean into the sweet sudden kiss while he places your meal in front of you. This Yoongi is new because it wasn’t often you could act domestically towards one another, however this was perfect and just what you needed. 
“Everything okay baby?” Yoongi asks while caressing your soft cheek and you immediately nod in his palm. 
“Yes, everything’s perfect.” You reply in awe. “Thank you Yoongi, for everything.”
For letting me love you and for loving me back. 
The older man just smiles and joins you for the meal. 
It turns out you didn’t need Tinder after all. 
You quickly delete the app off your phone and start to eat with the love of your life, conversation flows while you enjoy each other’s presence and fall deeper in love. 
Alike Yoongi, you couldn’t imagine it happening any other way. You were bound to fall in love, one way or another, but that man was meant to be yours as you were meant to be his.
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steakout-05 · 16 days
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i was thinking about how it took me a while to figure out i'm aegosexual (which basically means that there's a disconnect between yourself and being the subject of attraction) and i thought about how much i really dislike and just cannot see myself in slash reader fics. i tend to dislike these fics for multiple reasons, but some of them include that the reader self insert is usually really boring, has no personality outside of being lovey dovey and isn't unhinged enough for certain characters for reasons outside of contrasting personalities for my tastes (like spamton for example, why are you writing a normal protagonist to pair with fuckin spamton of all characters). but another reason is that i literally cannot connect myself to the reader self insert. like i cannot imagine myself in their place at all, it's always another stand-in that i imagine instead and thinking about myself in their place makes me uncomfortable. i can't see myself in their place because i don't see myself as a subject of attraction, and i'm repulsed to that idea. so i imagine someone else instead because that's better to me. and also because of the aforementioned reasons that have more to do with the writing of the self insert, i just cannot imagine myself acting the way the self insert does because I Personally Would Not Fucking Do That™. like i would not be romantically kissing a guy on a date, i would be infodumping about my special interests for 3 hours and then start ranting about how funny cars are while he just smiles and nods lmao
this is why i've never really self-shipped with any character. like i can be attracted to them and be like "i wanna hold his hand/kiss him/do inexplicable things to his psyche", but in reality i could never actually see myself as a subject of attraction by this character, so i'd either ship them with another character i like or imagine a sort of stand-in that has some of my traits and lives out my fantasies but still isn't me. i can fall in love but i can never connect because ew that's gross and weird. watching from the sidelines by reading fics and looking at fanart about characters being shipped with others and being intimate with each other is more my cup of tea.
#aegosexual#also i'm not like. sad about this or anything#maybe i'm a little disappointed that i probably won't experience some things but i'm not like. crying about it.#i literally don't care about it and i think i actually prefer it this way#being seen as something arousing is fucking disgusting and weird in a bad way to me and i don't think i should ignore how i feel just to-#-experience something i won't enjoy.#i just want to watch my little fictional men hold each other and kick my legs like an excited schoolboy about it in peace#also unpopular opinion but slash reader fics SUUUUUUCK and i'd rather read something else instead#now let's sit back and watch literally everyone get mad at that opinion lmao#i'm kidding i'm kidding you're obviously free to enjoy slash reader fics#i just find them to be completely unrelatable and i feel like throwing a self insert into the mix kinda ruins the whole dynamic for me#like i just personally find the idea of meddling in that character's life and being their hubby to be very unattractive#especially when the self insert is so barebones that there's no chemistry#we need more slash reader fics that are just an expression of how much the reader admires the character and nothing more i think#idk maybe i just haven't read enough slash reader fics to appreciate them as their own thing disconnected from me but i really just kinda-#-don't like them because the ones i've read were mostly kinda boring..... sorrgy#i always preferred projection anyway#although i do like dating sims. of course i don't attach myself to the MC but i do like them more than reader fics. i wonder why that is.#probably because the MC tends to have more character traits i guess? so then i can just consider them to be a different person-#-and i'm just pressing buttons for them#it's more free and directional i guess
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theoccultz · 2 months
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Spiritual guides thats reaching out to you ?
Or is working with you in short , you can use this reading to find your guides from other realms
General reading , take what resonates leave what doesn't
Note: there was total of 6piles, i had to remove it because they didn't wanted to give a direct message meaning you'll have to figure it out so if you feel called to those numbers or is seeing 5 or 6 and you happened to stumble upon this reading then your guides are selene, leviathan and shezmu
Ignore any mistakes
This pac of mine is different and special, i didn't released it for a long time but i feel like i should now , the messages were direct and open to possibilities, its not my usual style of reading because I channeled from your guides perspective so you'll have to decode any messages , i put whatever i understood in orange ink as this reading was made a long time ago so yes .
My readings are inclusive, your comments, likes , reblogs are appreciated!! I read em all and i love it 💚
Note:Tarot should not be replaced with medical or professional advice , i'm here to provide you clarity and guidance please use your own discrement,any decision taken from your side is your responsibility thank you .
Pile l . Pile ll. Pile lll. Pile lV.
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Pile l .
Baphomet
7ofcups, 8ofcups ,4ofcups, the sun x , the heirophant x,the chariot , 9of swords
I feel like in the upcoming months your workload will increase , you'll have a positive shift in your attitude, you'll be able to form new connections , be more outgoing and resilient , This is the change you invited or wished for , right now you could be feeling like things are moving slow or there's a lot of goals to complete taking up all your time and energy or you could be put in a period of relaxation but you still feel restless then you'll be out of this very very soon. Baphomet is also a knowledgeable guide .
I see a lot of new energy and new beginnings for you , you are prepared at this time , you are shedding your old skin , i see a period of abundance where you will be satisfied with where you are in your journey, baphomet is reaching out to you as a guide he wants you to focus on your work and make choices & decisions which are right for you , i feel like with all this abundance energy there will be some energy vampires , karmic soulmates or people with envious eyes who will also come into your life i feel like without baphomet you'll not be able to see the illusion that surrounds you , you'll feel as though finally things are on track or you're with right people making right choices but it'll be not the case , i highly feel that your blessings that are meant to stay for months or so will be envied , people will give you cold shoulder, you were letting go of your past and putting an end to things and it can turn upside down because there's a group which will be working in harmony to bring you down or cause little delays & troubles and this will be your own people doing it subconsciously( co-workers , family , friends) and your guide will be there to protect the work you'll be doing , he'll be working with you so you can succeed.
I feel like after a period of stillness, constant sadness , low energy , ill minded people, struggling days , humiliation, loss of power , disconnection, emptiness, overflowing emotions ,nightmares and past traumas which are haunting you for years you'll be able to let it go so this will be a big transformation you might have chiron-venus aspects or heavy chiron and mars energy , you'll need to direct your focus onto a steady path there will be new people entering your life , you need to have a better discernment as to who or what can drain your energy remember this includes romantic partners too not everyone is meant to stay in your life for good reasons , if you feel like you have people who dont appreciate you or behave rudely with you ,they will get their Karma because i feel like there's a lot built up of emotional baggage which is not yours and it will be sent back to who it belongs , i feel like channeling will help you a lot ...you can get a paper and write every single thing you encounter that wasn't pleasant and how it effected you growing up even the people who left you hurt , start with leaving the past in the past remember grieving is a natural process . Baphomet wants to help in balance your emotional state and be nurturing.
In short baphomet wants to help you reprganise your life , appreciate your studies/hobbies/work , redirect your purpose , bring a tower moment (shake things which are not build on solid ground) , cut of the distractions, reconnect with your inner self, manifest and establish new connections .
Things i heard: cleasing oil , marine , attire white silk , fan club , papers , z ? , railways (travelling) , accident, January -march-april , horror franchise, filmography, addictions , baneful magick , throat crown chakra , mandli? Lee? She's not your friend , good for nothing, energy vampires, its not your energy send it back (return to sender you can do ), ex , delivery ,black Violeta, Portuguese,spanish , libra 5-6th house , mars , scorpio energy , check sextiles, visit a planetarium, IGi o or ig ? Lamps , water ,panther, fosh , narration, a ? Soup , driver , dream , sani ? , cat , m ? , virgo placements, rally , lgbt friends or someone who's of same gender likes you romantically .
Pile ll.
Beleth hazel
The heirophant x , the sun x , five of wands , 6of wands, 8ofwands.
For manifestation i feel like he is very good in whatever abilities he posses he has taught multiple generations , he's very good with regulation of emotions , he really wants you to have a favourable outcome in whatever you're interested in or whoever you are interested in , i feel like he's specifically reaching out to you to make you aware of something or to teach you something like he wants to revive your reputation i feel like in the past and even today he was the magician , people would come to him with health issues , family issues and he would make a healing potion for them . yeah he's very sweet yet a little stern .
If you have talents or goals set for long term he wants to help you reach them ,you wont be confused or overwhelmed his guidance is smooth and doesn't take much effort for an individual to be adaptive. There's this energy of putting yourself on the top and creating a life for yourself here , i think he acknowledges you put in great effort for work , studies and helping others and now he wants to help you progress efficiently with your abilities. There's something about establishment of ideal sense be it regarding your personality or your fashion . Fashion is also many people are interested in or follows its also a form of creativity.you might be a fire or an earth sign with significant jupiter influence. Health issues seem very significant ,it could be acute stress you are experiencing.
In short he wants you to have confidence in the person you are , he wants you to put in great efforts in putting yourself out there , he wants you to shine amd let go of things , he wants to establish a reputation for you , he wants you to work with him because you share similiar traits and anilities , he reminds me of a photographer he bring the best in people and he knows what he's doing.
Higher level studies , stress , pluto9h , serial , repetition numbers: 333,1515 ,999,phonines, cut off , intense, pressure , bar , the weeknds, playing with fire , distressful people, closed off , forced. ,value traditions , atheists , red ,5 ,1 , science , demanding boss, Saturday Tuesday? 18 , 21.
Pile lll.
Barren samedi
The emperess x,justice , knight of swords , king of wands x , ten of cups eight of wands .
Barren samedia is already actively involved in your life and he has a message (channelled)
Okay you guys might be going through a crucial stage in your life or will be going through it soon i feel like its not a hard one but it'll make sure to remind you of your core strength. After this transformation you'll have a transformation , you'll push yourself you might be going out more , doing what interests you , meeting other people and even creating something in the public eye , in short youll be greatly recognised and appreciated by those around you .
There's something with communication and connections , i'm seeing old energy will be left behind it wont be retrived you'll have to leave a space which doesn't concern you anymore or people, i'm seeing someone turn 18 and moving out of the house by their own ..an independent step is always yours and you'll have to execute it NO ONE will do it for you so if you wanna have new beginnings you must take the first step . There's something about time management and saving your time? barren samedia is making more space for things to get aligned . You'll have to be honest with yourself if you feel like something's blocking you find out that blockage and work on it you are not a little kid anymore who's threatened by these issues . Learn to take your own responsibility but also be open to others and their energy not everyone is out to get you . The reason empress energy is reversed is you still have not utilised your best potential expect things to stabilise by the next full moon which is on 25th march for those who are reading in this month , it'll be an eventful one . And pls stop reacting to stupid criticism and dont be defensive you lose many opportunities.
In short , he's direct and wants you to step up and ask fir the things which are your right , dont stay stuck in not wanting bigger things , let go of old beliefs , start chanelling , ask what you want from your universe , foght your insecurities , he wants to prepare you for bigger and better things so you dont fall into the same ground which people want you to stay in , he wants you to be angry and wake up , he wants you to redirect your anger onto right things , get what you ask is his message.
Uranus 6h , saggitarius, martha , kenzas city , maribe , headache , lost of loved one's, cera ve? , k , hijacked movie , maroon5.
Pile lV.
Pazuzu fazuzu
The empress x, strength x , page of swords
I feel like there's a person in your life who's immature and rude they dont respect your boundaries and are constantly disrupting your life, you must be experiencing a period of stillness and loneliness because of them this could be a friend , family ,a partner or a lover who's not ready to sacrifice they are taking you for granted and isn't being appreciative of you .
They are hindering your growth and is constantly draining you , you could be feelin' sleepy , unmotivated and must be experiencing moodiness irritatible behaviours. Fazuzu wants to teach them a lesson they hate these kind of people who just take from others and doesn't value others as they should be valued . They lack a better judgement and is bitter , this could be very subliminally done as well like they could be hot and cold with you their actions are inconsistent and they're wanting to take your time more than you're ready to give them . Pazuzu is a fierce protector and can bring great happiness to one's life , he can encourage you he's Courages and help you regain control . You are advised to leave people and situation that doesn't serve you anymore as you'll keep repeating cycles which are only gonna put you in constant worry .
Idk that character from the police story juntao is very significant here you could be going through similiar situation or there could be a message in the film as well , i feel so . You could be seeing cats a lot and this is a sign.
In short , he wants to put things in order , whats not meant to be yours will be taken , you'll be provided with a period of healing , others will get their karma , you'll be working on your crown chakra .
Restaurant ,road trip , metal music , comeback , sick , latino , birthday , cool, your name , pisces moon , aries sun , sag placements , private show , job application, nausea , river side , blue red bag , pocket money ,purple , fix damage , fuzzy day ,
Thank you for reading!! Have a great day ahead .
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