#i feel a relapse goin on
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dont worry about my recent posts im normal now ☺️it surely won't happen again
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when your best friend of 10 years finally says he doesn't want to be around you when you drink because you always bring up sad things and trauma dump, but that's literally the only time you can or do bring it up because you're scared of bothering people but now your worst fears are confirmed like cool ill never bring up any issues to you again 🙃
#wow felt pretty okay last night but now wooooo#i havent sh in so long like so long that i dont even have anything to sh with but whoooo boi#first the ed relapse now this whater we goin forba combo break here#bpd feels#bpd thoughts#bpd#bpd moment
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Kinda in a funk waag.
#ougggh i feel so tired and drained but like i wanna do so much#burnout maybe? relapse#?#hell if i know i just know i need cuddles and someone to tell me its goin to be okay#listen to bocchi songs rn cuz theyre real nice rock songs#xzzt
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guess what y’all i relapsed
#tw#after 64 fuckin days#see i used to never track how long it’d been cuz i always end up goin back to it#there was one time i didn’t do it for like a year n then relapsed n if i had a counter then it would’ve felt so bad#n now i used a counter for the first time#n i have to reset it#n it makes me feel like i’ve failed#like i don’t want to reset it but i have to ;(
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totally skip this request if you’re not comfortable writing it
yumi + tanner with a reader that struggles with self harm?
yes, i can write this. however, ive written something similar for yumi before. i'll link it here.
｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡
ﾟ。 here for you ; tanner
ﾟ･｡･ﾟ
genre; hurt/comfort
type; drabble
tws // mention of self harm, implied suicidal thoughts, crying. please stay safe, all of you. i love you guys, and my messages are always open for any of you.
read below.
Tanner already knew you'd had issues in the past with self harm; you two have already had that conversation in the past. He figured you'd gotten past those issues, but he didn't know you were keeping more to yourself than he thought.
It was late, Tanner was awake playing on his pc. Probably playing Lethal Company with the guys, as you heard noises coming from their rooms as well. You were sitting silently in you guys' shared bed, just thinking. Thinking about what life would be like if you weren't the way you were; thinking about what Tanner could accomplish if you weren't holding him back so much. It'd be so much better for everyone if you just.. Weren't here.
You were mindlessly scrolling through your TikTok feed, not really caring about what you were watching. Your brain was far too loud for you to focus. Tanner's said you could always come to him for help, no matter what he was doing. You sighed, maybe talking would make it better. You got up, placing your phone down on the bed.
You tapped your boyfriend's shoulder, "Tanner?" He looked up at you for a second, pressing a button on his keyboard to mute himself, "What's up, honey?" You sighed, "Can we talk?.. I'm not uh.. Doing the best." His eyes widened a little bit, quickly nodding. "Yeah, yeah! Of course, lemme leave the game." He unmuted himself, explaining to the guys that he had something to do. He quickly left the voice call and the game, turning his chair towards you. "What's goin' on?"
"I'm scared I'm gonna relapse, T," Tanner quickly took hold of your arms, looking in your eyes. "... Why didn't you tell me sooner?" You looked away, trying to avoid eye contact. "I didn't wanna scare you." Tanner shook his head, "Well, yeah, I'm scared, but like.. have you done anything?" You denied, "No, jus'.. The urges, I guess."
Tanner got up, walking both of you to the bed. "Lie down, honey. You know I'm always gonna be here for you, I don't care if you're feeling bad or not, I'm here for you through the pretty and the ugly." You sighed, sitting up against the wall, trying to ignore the tears sliding down your cheeks. "I'm just scared you'll leave me if it gets too bad." Tanner shook his head, "Absolutely not, I'll be here no matter what. I want you to tell me when you're feelin' like this so I can help you." You nodded, "Okay. I will."
Tanner sat next to you, holding one of your arms and pressing a kiss to your cheek. "I love you, no matter what! I need you to remember that."
#alex's writing#anon.txt#tgc x reader#tgc#tgc x you#tgc x y/n#the group chat#the group chat x y/n#the group chat x you#the group chat x reader#tanner x y/n#tanner x you#tanner x reader#big t x y/n#big t x you#big t x reader
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can you please do a johnny cade x reader angst where the reader dresses all grungy and has that kind of rockstar girlfriend style (sorry if this is too specific) thank you!
addiction
the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity
· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·
In which, reader gets jumped and relapses
Pairing - Johnny Cade x Grunge!GN!Reader
Word Count - 916
A/n - I am quite horrible at writing angst, so please forgive me. As a person who has a parent who deals with substance abuse, I put some of my own feelings in here. Please DO NOT READ IF you are triggered by blood, name calling, acid trips, and drugs. If you are or know someone who is dealing with substance abuse, call the SAMSHA’s national helpline at
1-800-662-HELP (4357) which is also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service
Or
1-800-487-4889 which is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.
"Let us know if this is to your liking. Enjoy."
· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·
“You goin’ somewhere, grease”
Y/n was used to getting called names on the street, especially by socs. They wore more black clothing than most, dressed like a rockstar, and they were often told that they were going to a funeral. They liked their style, and her boyfriend and her friends were all fine with it. That's all that mattered to Y/n, but it still hurts with every mean comment.
They tried to continue on their way, but a hand wrapped around their forearm and pulled them back. “I asked you a question,” the stentorian voice called out once more. “What do you want from me?” Y/n demanded, turning around to face the social, not wanting to be bothered. However, it wasn’t just the one social they saw. There were 2 others. That's when fear struck.
“We just want’a hang out,” One smirked, stepping forward next to the one holding the grunge’s arm. The h/c-haired person tugged on their arm, getting it out of the soc’s grasp. “Well, I do not. So please, go away.” Y/n tried to keep calm, and they turned once more, trying to walk away, but a soc got around them and pushed them into an alleyway “You aren’t going anywhere.” That's when the need to run hit the rocker, and they tried turning and running through the alley but the socs got a hold of them, and pushed them against the wall.
Y/n trashed against the soc’s hold, but that didn’t help any. A punch to her stomach, then a punch to her face. They tried to continue to thrash and to try and get away, and they almost did, but to no avail. The socs pulled Y/n back and punch after punch, the pain slowly started to numb and it seemed like there was no way out. They could taste the blood running down their throat, and it seemed like they would be there for a while.
»»-————-————-««
Getting home was a struggle, blood running down their face and holding onto your stomach while walking on the sidewalk was not ideal. Today was supposed to be good. 3 months clean. Why’d it have to turn out like this? Laying on the floor, bloodied and bruised, and no longer clean. What were they just thinking about? It seems like time had just..stopped. It seemed peaceful. The grunge was no longer worried about anything, and found funny patterns in the ceiling with a fluttery feeling in their stomach. Why were they trying to get clean in the first place?
“Babe?” A voice asked, followed by a knock on their bedroom door.
“Yeah-” They tried to get out the word without laughing, but that didn't work. The voice, now attached to a body, entered the room. It was Johnny Cade, the black-haired greaser. “What are…are you high?” He asked, somewhat confused and shocked. He shouldn’t be surprised, but he was. He actually thought his partner would get clean. Johnny refused to believe it, “Please tell me you're not high.”
His partner sat up, and Johnny noticed the bruising and the dried blood. “What's..high? And why are you..wiggling?” They asked with a giggle, smiling and eyes half-lidded. There was Johnny’s answer. LSD wasn’t a fun or cool drug, but addictive like all drugs are. It was Y/n’s choice of drug, and his partner relapsed, once more. 3 months being clean, 3 months not purchasing drugs, 3 months since the overdose. Three long, dreaded months.
After leaving the room, getting a wet rag, cotton balls, bandaids, and bactine, Johnny returned to the room to clean up Y/n. He sat on the ground, setting the supplies next to him, and pulled his partner’s head into his lap. “Be still, please,” he urged as he started to clean the blood off of their face.
“Why is there two of you” The druggie asked, carrying out the ‘o’ in two and the ‘ou’ in you, all the while giggling and smiling. Johnny didn’t reply. Somewhat out of being upset and out of resentment. I mean, they promised they threw out all of their LSD, heroin, weed, and whatever else they had. They promised. Johnny was a fool to not check her room. He blamed himself for them being back on drugs. The dark-haired boy put down the dirty rag, picked out a cotton ball, opened the bactine, and poured the aforementioned item onto the cotton ball.
“This might sting,” He quietly warned, wiping the wet cotton ball on the cuts to disinfect them. Y/n laughed and moved their legs, “It tickles!” Johnny sighed, and continued to clean the wounds. While the dark-haired boy cleaned them, one sat there contemplating if it was worth it and the other was as high as a kite, watching lights seem to get brighter and patterns that seemed to move.
After placing bandaids on the cuts, Johnny got Y/n up and into their bed. It seemed as soon as they hit the pillow, they were asleep. The boy had seen this enough times to know that they were going to wake up tripping, but they won’t run to him anymore. If they did, he would turn away. After too many broken promises, he was tired of it. Tired of the lies, the promises, the relationship. While wiping a piece of hair out of their face, he let out a soft yet sad sigh. “This is the last time, Y/n…Goodbye.”
#the outsiders#the outsiders x reader#substance abuse#johnny x reader#johnny cade x reader#angst#johnny cade x reader angst#johnny cade angst#helplines#substance abuse and mental health service administrations#anon !#johnny cade x reader request#anon request
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I know I’m a bit late to the party, and I don’t have any experience with alcohol or lcholism in itself, but I get where you’re coming from with the music bothering you. It’s so weird how little stuff like music can trigger a flood of emotions, and I’m rlly glad this didn’t cause you to relapse, that’s rlly strong and I’m proud of you, I’m also glad that you and lee made up(?). Honestly idk where I’m going with this I just want you to know that I get you, and you’re doing a rlly good job with your sobriety!!! (Also off topic but three months? I’m three months clean too! That’s wild! Three month club!)
Yeah.. I feel a little silly whenever a song triggers me cuz like.. it's a song. But a lot of places have music playing over speakers and it can make going out hard cuz I have no idea what they'll play. And then there's Lee that'll play music in his room and he's been getting into country a lot lately and you know how much those guys sing about the same shit: Drinking, horses, boots, bars, jeans, girls, beer, and tractors.
I just feel like such a bummer, you know? Anyway.. sorry for venting on your ask hsjjdd you're really sweet. And thank you. I don't feel strong sometimes, but I know I've got this.
(Congrats on goin strong 3 months, man! Proud of you.)
#angelo txt#inbox answer#hea au#also fun fact: a RElapse is getting back into an addition full force#and a lapse is slipping up once before going clean again#learned that at an AA meeting#vent#ig hdjjf
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Okay, how about 45. How long has this been goin' on? from radio show promo list #9 for Ian Egerton 💕
Companion piece to Slow
Ian’s been at your place for approximately two minutes when he notices the tremor in your right hand. He knows you must see it too because you roll down the sleeve of the oversized sweater to hide it.
“How long has that been going on?” He asks you as he takes a sip from his beer bottle and sets it down on the kitchen table.
You sigh as you lean back against the work surface, your hand rubbing over the nape of your neck. It’s been a few months since you got dosed with the nerve toxin. It had ravaged your body, wreaking havoc on your nervous system. The doctors had given you a positive outlook, you’d been keeping up with physio but there had always been a possibility of a relapse, that some of the nerves weren’t able to be repaired.
“A couple of weeks on and off.” You tell him.
You won’t look at him and he thinks he knows why. You take your cues regarding the relationship from him. He doesn’t show vulnerability, he keeps his emotions in check, boxed up, locked away. It had changed when the two of you started sleeping together, sex became love making and now he’s making regular trips to LA just so he can spent the night. He thought he’d made his feelings clear the last time he was here but apparently he was wrong.
“They think it might be permanent.” You tell him, taking a swig from your own beer bottle. “This is not how I saw my career ending.”
Desk duty or disability, it leads to the same place in your eyes. He sees how much it devastates you, you’re used to being strong, capable and now…
“Come here.” He says quietly, patting his knee.
He doesn’t do this, he doesn’t offer comfort that goes beyond a beer at a bar but right here, right now he senses you need more from him and the first time in his life he’s willing to give it.
You slip into his lap and he wraps his arms around you, gathering you close. The scent of pine floods your senses as you bury your face into the curve of his throat. His palm comes to rest on the nape of your neck, his thumb smoothing over that tense little spot. Already he can feel you relaxing, your muscles unfurling as he cradles you against him.
There’s nothing he can say to change the reality of your situation. He doesn’t know what the future holds but he knows whatever it is, he’s be right there with you.
Love Ian? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.
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Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee
@kmc1989
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this is just a post to bounce ideas off of feel free to interact but I’m hoping this fucker will be looooooong by the time I’m done
so I’m making an alien species im callin ‘em Chchenchankks (mostly due to the fact that I want ‘em to have a very prominent “ch” sound they make)
they can’t pronounce; E sounds
they find if difficult to pronounce; A sounds
but they can make sounds like birds ‘n crocodiles which is an important part of their language so it’s virtually impossible for a human without a translator to speak it
there are goin the be at least 5 sexes one is what the humans have deemed the male (even tho they have have multiple secondary sex characteristics that would be associated with females of earth), the next is female (even tho they have secondary sex characteristics that would be associated with males on earth), the third sex (humans have deemed ‘em the androgynous sex) which is basically an adult that stopped hormones that results in sexual dimorphism in adults which leads to ‘em havin under developed horns ‘n no genitals ‘n can choose at a later stage of life to be male, female, capable of asexual reproduction or hermaphroditic, then there is the fourth sex which is capable of asexual reproduction (humans literally just call ‘em asexual) ‘n finally the fifth sex which is hermaphroditic (‘n so called hermephrodites) ‘n they have both sex organs ‘n have a generally even spread of secondary sex characteristics (the other two non binary sexes lack secondary sex characteristics as a whole)
The horns on their heads have an important part in sexual dimorphism ‘n gender identity ‘n their shape ‘n size indicates sex ‘n development, males have horns the curve back, up ‘n out, females have horns the curve back, up ‘n forward, the sex that has just stopped their hormones until they’re ready have lil nubs cause they haven’t developed a sex yet, the asexually reproducin sex also have lil nubs ‘n the hermaphroditic sexes first set of horns will look more like the female or male horns then the second set will look the other sexes horns
some plot stuff I’m considerin
so with chuck my oc, what if the story takes place while he’s an old man but he gets relapses of his life before comin home until that’s all there is to the story. He’s still livin then he never really left then. Or alternatively he grows up with a good family but then has to leave cause the human government is just like “right we don’t want you here” then goes off planet to fight to see his family again ‘n makes friends, enemies, meets others of his own species learns bout himself, fights the police ‘n Maybe he fucks
#xenobiology#speculative biology#world building idea#the tism#more coming soon#or maybe not so soon#depends on my mood#‘n my monthly depression#this is in-depth#tw genitalia mention#But it’s not super hectic#Isn’t described in detail#Or nothin just mentions
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I'm marco, 26yo cis guy from UK. I got into weight loss because I wanted motivation to stop drinking around april 2022, and ended up bingeing and purging on avg 3 times a week for abt 6 months.
I relapsed back into daily drinking (litre+ of vodka a day) and detoxed in hospital at the start of the year, but have been finding it really difficult to stop and stay stopped, so I'm back here. I've nearly died so many times recently from drinking and I just keep gaining/getting more and more swelling &bloating. If any alcoholics/bulimics have advice for someone who cant stop shovelling it in to get a sustainable deficit, I'd appreciate it a lot. My goal is to be safe about it, but I'm open to anything that works.
I'm experimenting with different methods of weight loss, sometimes fasting, sometimes rezzing, but am very inconsistent. I binge v often. This is not so much an accountability blog, more like recording what I've learnt and just venting. My bmi starting around may20th was 22 ish, was 5th june 20, 4th oct 22.5,and now 20.5 jan27th. Have to get it back to 20, but goal would be 18 with low body fat %. My main goal is to stop drinking and get healthier (thinner).
To do list:
get compression sleeves for running
Things that worked:
going to meetings make it much easier to abstain and think abt other things than food -> much easier rezzing
being distracted by things unrelated to food
having good food options for rezzing prepped, like boiled eggs, or having a solid stock of staples like steak, yoghurt, fruit and veg
not buying food that I will binge on, if I buy it, even if its not for me, I will eat it and get fat
taking longer routes/walking instead of getting train (energy, weather and mood permitting)
peppermint tea
keep it in the day. One day at a time really works, it just takes practise to get into mentally
supporting blood sugar throughout the day, especially if going out/socialising/towards the end of the day (when alc cravings pick up). This is best done with small amounts of carbs following a rly high protein 1st meal
Things that I was doing before but that didn't work out well:
taking K supplements (just eat s. potato for carb allowance, is filling too and has loads of K, stops palpitations when intermittent fasting)
pho, miso or gochujang as soup bases. They are too salty and lead to painful sluggish bloat.
Oyster sauce is not worth the cals
Diet sodas. Caffeine dependence builds really quickly and teeth need help
olive oil for sautéing vegetables. Pointless cals. Fats can come from lean meats like beef steak, eggs and occasional avo as well as omega3 supplements
fasting. At 18 hours I feel like I'm goin mental and at 22+ the palpitations make it uncomfortable to move around or do anything at all
strength training (esp core) at home without equipment. Dont enjoy it at all, not motivated at all
watching hours and hours a day of ED documentaries, scrolling ED tumblr, and watching hours of foodtube every day. Obsession -> binges
hard avoiding carbs. Leads to massive brain rot and feeling morbid. Can't do anything. Inevitable binges, usually alcohol, or 4000 cal of food.
sushi is not really worth it. White sushi rice is too sugary. Its usually a carb craving in disguise, or something to get on the go and is expensive.
weighing every morning just lead to trying to use caffeine as lax and more chaos on energy levels, or obsessing and not being distracted.
Press ups make my joints click a lot. Planking is really boring and doesnt feel rewarding.
Using sex for stim instead of food and cooking
Curious about:
feta, olives and cherry tomatoes for satiety.
Broccoli and mushrooms (annoying to prep or dont taste nice when boiled)
chicken sausages for cheap lean protein (think they can be a binge trigger or lead to mental scarcity feelings but not sure if worth)
ways to make cottage cheese not taste shit (cocoa powder is not cutting it)
cardio > strength training maybe. Runner's high > nothing from strength training (that I ever felt anyway).
Finding a way to enjoy strength training
yoga and stretching for stim
skipping breakfast has really mixed vibes. Can feel completely awful, but can also make rezzing much easier. Can also lead to binges in the evening (because there's unspent cals in the budget). Probably best to stick to eating breakfast but keeping it high protein and not eating right away when waking up.
Experiment with meds timings.
minced turkey or discount fish for lean protein variety
ways to make eating salad not miserable, cos it does work rly well for getting a deficit. (Maybe herbs and lemon and chickpeas? Make in bulk? Quinoa? Binge risk)
_____________
New plan from 4th Oct '23
can't be strict bc cant track exercise cals without a phone for looking at time spent walking and running so will need to do a gross-in instead of net- in quick basic (aspirational) plan:
1000 cal deficit/day for the next month -> 1500 gross in/day allowance
NO: baked beans, bone broth, oil, paté, pasta, alcohol, caffeine, quiche, cheese, instant snack food, pesto, chorizo, hummus, meal deal foods
reason: too sugary or fatty for their worth in flavour. Cause binges every time when rezzing. Not filling enough. Caffeine leads to crashes and the pickmeup is usually food.
LESS: bread, onion, ketchup
reason: can be useful carbs in a pinch, less likely to cause binges than above (because they are only accompanied with protein). Onion and ketchup help with mental scarcity and support good vibes
MORE: fruit, veg soup, sweet potato, tuna, s. noodles, fruit juice, avocado, egg, steak, quorn, butternut squash
reason: sugar cravings need to be comboed with fibre addition, or fruit juice could be useful diluted for emergency alc cravings. Everything else is lean protein and should be frontloaded in the day. Sweet potato is there for potassium and low glycaemic index carbs. Avo and s. noodles are contentious bc of price and fat/nutritional value reasons
ALTERNATIVES TO EATING: gaming, reading, weighing, cleaning, brushing teeth, counting cals, weights, stretching, running, walking, meetings.
mostly overeat because of boredom and to break monotony in free time or to stim. These are alternatives that work and also make rezzing easier in other ways.
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hey whats goin on buddy
i’m scared that i’m going to relapse but i feel like i need it and i just can’t get rid of the urge and i hate this so fucking much
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Take my Lungs (3/4) | Craig x Kenny
Info/Warnings:
high school AU, brief mention of drugs and death (not related), Stan being sneaky👀, Kenny uses he/she, Marjorine uses she/her, Kyle uses they/them, Tweek uses he/xe
1/4 | 2/4 | 3/4 | 4/4
south park masterlist
———
The first half of the school day goes by without incident and lunch time soon rolls around, the school halls immediately filling with famished teenagers and young adults. Kenny is one of these young adults, rushing to the cafeteria to get a school lunch with her friends (the food isn't very good- hasn't been since Chef died-, but even with a job, Kenny can't afford much else).
"Heya, Ken!" Marjorine greets the dirty blonde from the end of the lunch line, ushering her over. "Did'ya hear what happened to Clyde? Poor thing, I just feel so bad for him."
"No? Is he okay?" Kenny and Marjorine grab their food as the former responds, making their way to the table where Kyle, Stan, and Cartman are already sitting. Both blondes sit down, Kenny next to Cartman and Marjorine next to Stan.
"He tried getting back together with Bebe again, but she's already dating someone else! Y'know Red?" Kenny nods: the whole town knows each other. "Well apparently, her and Bebe are girlfriends now. They're actually really cute together!"
"Are you talking about Clyde?" Cartman asks after swallowing his food. "Oh, mah god, he was totally crying after Bebe rejected him! It was hilarious! You had to be there, bro!"
The rest of lunch continues pretty much the same way, everyone gossiping about what happened in their morning classes. That is, until the last ten minutes when Stan abruptly stands up while looking at his phone.
"Sorry guys, gotta go." The raven-haired teen mutters to his friends, pushing the rest of his lunch towards Kenny without looking then immediately leaving the cafeteria (Cartman snatches the tray from Kenny before he can even look at it).
"Well, that was weird." Cartman points out the obvious through a mouthful of food. "Should we follow him?"
"Nah, he's probably gonna suck face with the guy he won't tell us about."
"Kenny!" Kyle glares at the blond, though knows they can't disagree. "Stan will tell us when he's ready."
———
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick- briiing!
Finally! Kenny grins to herself as the last bell rings, shoving his stuff into his bag and rushing out of the classroom to go find Tweek.
The ex-caffeine and meth addict is at xer locker, where Kenny knew xe would be, shoving ridiculously thick textbooks into the small box of metal (with the help and encouragement of his friends, Tweek is now almost three years clean (minus the few relapses, but Tweek tries not to dwell on that- relapsing is an important part of recovery, after all) and looking much healthier than before, his elementary school chub back and filling out all the right places).
"Tweekers, hey! Ya almost done?"
"I thought I told you not to call me that?" It's a mix between a question and a statement as Tweek shuts his locker door, turning towards the other blond. "Yeah, I'm done. Come on."
"Y'know I'd stop if ya really hated it." With a grin, Kenny follows Tweek to the school parking lot and into the latter's car so they can carpool to Tweak Bros Coffee like they always do, where the two blonds find none other than Craig Tucker ringing up an order.
"I didn't know you were working today, Craig." Tweek joins Craig behind the counter, tying together the back of xer apron (Kenny just stares at Craig, attempting to determine whether the raven-haired male actually remembers yesterday or not). "Where's mom and dad?"
"Needed something to do today." Craig shrugs, making eye contact with Kenny and raising an eyebrow before turning around to put together the customer's drink. "Was either make money or get yelled at by Thomas. And your parents said they were goin' on a date, figured we'd be fine without 'em."
Kenny turns away from the counter, deciding if he tries talking to Craig now, she'll be late for her job, and makes her way to the back to change into her uniform: a white, collared dress shirt and a black tie, topped off with a red, sleeveless vest (all of which he got from South Park's only thrift store, Sloppy 2nds). She's supposed to wear black slacks as well, but the skirt she's wearing is much comfier and it's not like anyone will be able to see anyway- the ticket booth only shows from the waist up.
"I can leave my stuff in the back, yeah?" Kenny pokes his head out from behind the 'Staff Only' door, then his whole body; Tweek nods. "Swag! Thanks, Tweekers!"
Tweek groans at the nickname, and at the same time, Craig snorts.
"'Swag'? Really, dude?"
"Swag." Kenny grins as she walks to the front of the store and opens the door, only to turn around, looking directly at Craig. "I'll see ya after my shift, yeah, Tucker?"
Said Tucker gives a brief nod, and with that, Kenny is out the door.
#crenny#craig x kenny#kenny x craig#craig tucker#kenny mccormick#genderfluid kenny mccormick#south park#south park fic#stan marsh#eric cartman#kyle broflovski#marjorine stotch#butters stotch#leopold butters stotch#tweek tweak#bebe stevens#red mcarthur#Bebe x red#red x bebe#clyde donovan#chef south park#jerome mcelroy#south park chef#Kenny Writes Shit
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PERSONAL/IT'S NOT GOOD/TW: SPOUSAL ABUSE
I guess I feel compelled to share this because everyone seems to be goin' through it, and I just wanted to let other women know that they're not alone.
Abusive relationships shouldn't be a 'rite of passage' for women.
So I'm still reeling from certain events that transpired this summer. It's hard coming to terms with the fact that I was married to someone that not only didn't care about me but thought it was entertaining to keep me in a constant state of anxiety and confusion - because it was easier for him to get away with certain things if I was disoriented. Constantly upping the ante and pushing me to my limits. It became a bit of a game for him. This was something that I had quietly suspected for some time but was in pretty deep denial about it. There was a certain level of validation when he admitted it. This was after years of supporting him through his chronic relapsing and struggles with sobriety, physical ailments (he suffered from multiple sclerosis), and mental health problems (bipolar disorder and ADHD). It was not an easy relationship, but I genuinely thought this individual was worth the work; I took the vows 'for better or worse' seriously. So to now know for a fact that my life and well-being didn't matter to this man at all, and he basically just kept me around to do his laundry, save him from himself when he overdid it with the drinking and drugging and sometimes sex (when he was physically up for it) makes me feel very disturbed with myself that I actually thought this was someone I could trust, be vulnerable and share my life with. I know it's a lesson to be learned, but it's brutal. Abuse is often incremental. If he had been this blatantly and openly awful when we met, there wouldn't have even been a date, let alone a relationship. He was 'nice,' dare I say even a gentleman when we met. Scam of the century.
Don't ignore the red flags; I was constantly making excuses for him, basically gaslighting myself that certain things were 'normal'. Constant lying is not normal, deception is not normal, manipulation is not normal. It became normal because I got used to it, and I'd say things to myself like:
'Well...he lied again but it's not malicious he has a problem'.
'Okay, he was already actively deceiving me on our wedding day, but it's normal for marriages to have a rocky start. We can get through it.'
'Okay, so he lies all the time, but he'd never actually put my safety in jeopardy.'
'Okay, he put my safety in jeopardy, but it wasn't intentional. He'd never purposely threaten or intimidate me.'
'Okay, he threatened and intimidated me but he'd never actually lay a hand on me and try to hurt me'.
Then one night, he did just that. So I fled.
In retrospect, I feel like the biggest moron on the motherfuckin' planet, but no one gets married to get divorced, and for a long while I was convinced this very troubled man really did love me. It wasn't always terrible; we did have fun, and things were nice in the beginning - that's what I told myself when things got bad, it's what I told myself when things went from bad to worse. I deluded myself into thinking we could end up back at the beginning if we did the work, but relationships are a two-way street, and I was the only one doing the work.
I also deluded myself into thinking this would be an amicable, drama-free divorce, but nothing in this relationship has ever been easy, so why would the dissolution be?
As of now, everything is a bit uncertain. I'm just trying to stay strong for my cat.
#tw: trauma#tw: abuse#emotional abuse#psychological abuse#betrayal#financial abuse#domestic violence#harrassment#intimidation#power and control#drug addiction#alcoholism#spousal abuse#im devastated#manipulation#dishonesty
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But it is me though . . .that decides what I do, how and why. 4-1-23
"But I feel . . .tomorrow will be ok." – Aaron Lewis, Staind’s song Outside
April Fool’s Day is no time for a relapse. Lol Ain’t even goin’ there.
When one little thing goes wrong, you brush off and handle it.
People problems.
Lots of little things happen to all of us all the time . . .we handle them.
But, when it's a thousand little things it can wear on us. They can add up relatively quickly and make it seem bigger than it is. Which generally feels bigger than it needs to too.
It's so unnecessary sometimes. Waste of energy if you ask me. . .letting it eat our lunch like that.
Just take stock in the things we have to be grateful for and move forward, even if it means a change.
Yes, even a big change.
We can only do what we can do.
If you've exhausted all efforts in one particular arena, what is there left to do?
Exactly.
So why allow yourself to feel like you could've done it differently? Just become as prepared as you can for when, and if, things ever start to go that way again in the future.
It happened the way it's supposed to. Accept that, and everything changes. I mean everything.
I've made peace with today as much as someone like me probably can under the circumstances. I imagine I handle my grown shit better than a lot of people.
Mentally, emotionally, even physically I am exhausted but never finished. Lol no lol
I don't know if that's a good quality or a bad one, but it's where I live now.
I just get it, and I remind myself of who I am, where I come from, and everything I've fucking been through.
"This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me
'Cause I
I must be sleeping
Now that we're here
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today
These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this is the smile
That I've never shown before" – Aaron Lewis, Staind’s song So Far Away (still my theme song for this life)
I mean, it did start right there.
Always keep at the forefront of my mind, "You know who the fuck you are. Don't ever let anything, or anyone, change that.
You are hard, branded, and with your big heart on your sleeve, you are a winner.
Stronger than a lot, and living with an integrity that others keep me accountable for."
It is a responsibility to try and never waver in the heart and mind, and catch quickly those times when I do.
There is no. . .defeated, only some setbacks (some major, but mostly minor) on my way to being success-filled, and with a heart full of gratitude and a loving kindness that always, always prevails in the end, but no defeated.
Exhausted yes, lol, defeated no.
Just when you think you don't know what to write about it.
I'm always like, "Maybe post an apology and say no entry today, and it's because you're tired, or you don't have time (I am working today), or whatever lame reason I can think of."
You just don't realize how many times we nearly missed out on . . .an entry.
My friends call that slick. I call it wack. Lol
Own it, do better when it wasn't your best, and move on.
It rarely ever goes exactly the way I want it to. It can be close sometimes, but life, inevitably, is filled with too many unknown variables.
Therefore . . .acceptance, just like gratitude, makes changes in all the places that matter. Just sayin'.
Now go and share your love and your laughter with the world around you. Be kind, learn to be grateful, and try to love so completely that you don't understand any other way anymore!
Until next week;
“Broke again? Damn you can never be broken. You can fall, you can get bruises, but you can never be broken. You’re living, breathing, and the best example for yourself. You’re made of galaxies, atoms, fire, and so much more. Never underestimate the magic in you. The light inside you can never be handled by the moths. It’s never your mistake, it’s the eyes that are blind to see the love in your eyes, it’s the hearts that don’t understand how your heart beats for them, it’s the ears that can’t hear the screams you try to raise to make them listen and it’s the soul that’s never able to comprehend the message you sent to them.” - Hareem Ch
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urges to relapse goin crazy. i ain’t even got a reason lol, technically everything’s as fine as it can get all things considered. it must just be the numbness in my body that urges me to force sensations that feel sharp or different, in odd ways. i always hear people talk about how they’d much rather feel nothing and be numb, i can attest that despite the obvious benefits while not only enjoying the monotonous comfort, but also continually enduring constant trauma and unending impossible situations- it does get pretty old and painfully dull. to be fair, nothing can harm me this way, i am untouchable. i am untouchable.
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