#i dunno i've been thinking about grief lately | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

regular-lord-reckoner · 7 months

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little update on me, i guess

i'm feeling a little more like myself, i guess. slowly but surely.

i've appreciated being able to just take it slow and steady one day at a time because that's all i can really do right now.

this week was kinda rough, though

for one thing, one of my managers accused me of not doing something i know for a fact i did do and that it's another person who's guilty of what she's talking about but for whatever reason she just...assumed it was me??

i did stand my ground on that one, though, i was like, "can you give me an example of where that's happened because i actually found a bug in the system last week so i want to make sure it's not that again because i'm pretty sure i did what you're saying i didn't" and she was just like, "i don't have it right now, i'll send you some in the future if i come across them!!!" like yeah, okay i'll hold my breath on that one

and listen, i know i've made some mistakes here and there on the charts i've been doing, i'll own that. fair enough. but this other thing she's talking about is separate and i know i go above and beyond sometimes while the other person doing the same thing i am is just flying through the fucking things and it's because as i've noticed myself, she's not doing the thing i got a ~helpful reminder~ email about

in any case, i wasn't wrong in thinking that shit was coming out of left field because on the same day she also spoke so awfully to one of the schedulers that she straight up quit, so!!! there's that.

then on thursday i had my yearly neurology appointment which was fine, he pretty much just asks if my medicine is still working and if we need to adjust the dose, does a quick little check up and then sends me home with my renewed prescription and an appointment for next year.

the problem was it's the first time i've really had to extensively interact with someone who doesn't know what's been going on with me and so i was just sort of in a daze the whole time because part of me was like...should i mention it?? is it relevant to my health??

because i noticed my blood pressure was a little higher than usual which to be fair could be due to multiple things but like...i dunno, maybe also grief and the lack of sleep i've been getting? maybe!

ultimately though i decided not to mention it and when he asked how i was doing i just gave him The Script "i'm good, how about you?" and things just moved on from there

we did talk a little about tears for fears, though since i was wearing a tears for fears shirt. he likes them AND he's seen the cure recently so...very cool neurologist. he also prescribed me to listen to talk talk so i'll get on that at some point

anyway, after the visit i was like, "well, that was a whole ordeal, let me go pick up some lunch at the new chipotle that just opened up closer to my house!"

and i knew that i'd have to pass the funeral home to get to it and was prepared for that although it still kinda stings (even though it's the same damn funeral home we used for ashley so like you'd think i'd be used to it by now but)

what i was not prepared for, though, as i was pulling out of the parking lot was to see the hospice place we used right behind the chipotle so...that's neat!!

also later on that day my mom told me about someone else we know whose father also just passed away and unfortunately he went the same way my sister did, so...thrusday was just trigger after trigger after trigger!!

i'll also just mention this and try not to focus on it too much because i think she might actually be working on it now, but my mom's drinking lately has been...not great

i get that if there's ever a time to do it that it would be now and i've been pretty patient and cool about it up until recently and have started saying something

i actually had a meltdown about it this week because it's just...a lot.

as much as i understand it's just so many things wrapped together

i just lost one parent, i'm not really prepared to watch another one go, even if it's slowly

family of four to three to now two and it's like she's speedrunning to make it one

there's also just the...yay, i never get to stop taking care of someone!!! element of it

it's like i told her, part of why she thinks she can drink so much and that everything is fine, it'll be okay, it's fine is because both dad and i went behind her to make it that way

together we worked as a team to make sure she got to bed safely, that her phone was inside and plugged up, that all the doors were closed and locked for the night, that the dog was inside and put to bed, that all the food was put up, etc., etc.

now it's just me.

and i've been doing it now for a little while. i don't say anything, i don't bring my feelings into it at all. i'll just gently usher her to bed when i feel like she's had enough even though i know she'll still get up and have a couple more when she thinks i've gone to sleep and so i'll go downstairs again a few times just to make sure she's really finally safely asleep

but yeah, that's kinda reached its boiling point so i dunno, we'll see

this is the first weekend i've had where i haven't had to worry and i'm not so naive as to think it'll be like this from now on so i've just been trying to enjoy it while it lasts

i've also been spending as much time as possible in the pool until we close it next weekend

it is........very cold in there but if it gets above 80 degrees i'm getting in there and getting in the last of my pool exercises and then immediately getting back out lol

but yeah, i think that's about it for now

i'm still doing my therapy every other week and am still journaling away.

i've had a couple of dreams where i think my dad has visited me. there's always just a different vibe when it's someone who's passed, it's hard to explain, but my therapist said it's real so we'll go with that

he never really says much, he just smiles and is just there, looking like himself.

that's been comforting.

in any case, i'm hopeful october will be a good month because it's october, duh!!

i've also taken the week of my birthday off as a treat to myself and even if i do nothing but sleep all that week i'll be happy

i'm going to try to enjoy the rest of my weekend and i hope if you're reading this you have a good one as well and may we both have a better week ahead as we move into spoopy season!

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salchat · 1 year

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👋 I just wanted to drop by and say I really love your art - it's so beautiful and I dont know how the fandom ever lived without it!!!

I've been on and off tumblr lately so I've missed some context, but I saw your post about cancer and spending the time you have learning to make art/writing fic. I think it's really cool that you're open about your diagnosis - my aunt had cancer and I know her willingness to talk openly about it brought a lot of comfort to people who didn't feel like they could do so. AND I super respect the "now of never" attitude - none of us should've putting off learning & doing things that bring us joy!

It also feels like you approach your art with a certain experimental attitude, like you're not afraid to make a mess of it (not that I've ever seen art from you that looks messy lmao). I dunno if that's related to "now or never" but regardless I admire it and am inspired to experiment more myself with writing. Thank you for sharing your art journey and love for these characters.

💕🦈

Thank you very much for your kind words. In some ways I wish I'd found the Supernatural fandom earlier, but I guess it came along at the right time, just when I needed a fresh new obsession! There's so much art of amazing quality that it's really quite humbling - not that I have an over-inflated opinion about my art anyway. I love it, but I can see its flaws all too easily.

I try to be open about my cancer, without constantly shoving it in people's faces - it's a difficult balance to get, because for me it's there all the time, every minute of every day, influencing everything I do, especially at the moment. And there's no getting away from that, not in the situation I'm in, when soon I'll start chemo and there isn't actually an end date in sight, other than 'when it stops working' and who wants to think about that? Certainly not me. Still, the battle, I find, isn't against the cancer itself, it's more about fighting to enjoy life - to have joy and silliness and amazement and all the good things - but to have them alongside the darkness and the grief, at exactly the same time.

Anyway, yes, part of my attitude to my art is, 'what's the worst that could happen?' I find some people at my life group are so tentative and worried - I just slash away and see what happens and it comes out all the better for that freedom. Art at home is a bit different, especially if I'm working on a portrait. I try to be similarly free and experimental, but it is so very, very hard to get a convincing likeness - and actually, as I progress it seems even harder - to catch an expression, to get the right angle and tilt and for it really to be that person. It's easy to get too intense and bogged down in the detail and the measurements. But it's a learning process. And what really pisses me off is that I want to carry on with that learning process, and carry on and on and on. But I won't be able to.

Still, life is now, right? Better get on and draw. Or write that fanfic that was going to be two chapters of satisfying h/c, but will now have to be three because I need it!

Thank you again for your lovely words.

#supernatural #art #dealing with real life

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tofufei · 1 year

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tagged by @circumference-pie for a 5 things that make you happy meme <3

1. Friends! I am someone who is rather terrible at keeping in touch with people and I've been trying to take a bit more initiative and put more effort into maintaining relationships, and it's going pretty well I think...?

2. This is very vague but I haven't felt that disconnected from reality lately. I dunno if I am moving forward in life, but I do feel like I am moving and don't feel stuck, so that's quite nice.

3. I finally got a diagnosis I've been actively fighting for for almost a year and got meds to try out! Hard to say yet if they're working or not, but they give me hope :)

4. This list needs more silliness so: genshin impact! I've been having lots of fun lately with getting a bit more into the technical gameplay side of things and optimizing my builds and teams. And just talking about the game in general in the genshin thread in lyh <3 (Also this probably means nothing to you, but I finally got my Ayato who I've had since last March and was on a very cope build to over 200CV tonight and wow does this feel good. He gave me a lot of grief xD)

5. I'm starting to see the appeal of bubble tea. I never disliked it, but beyond the classical black milktea variant, the boba here oftentimes has neither tapioca pearls nor tea nor milk which just made it overpriced glorified softdrinks. I have found a new boba place recently that makes proper bubble tea and have really enjoyed it. I'm excited to try out more flavors.

Thanks for tagging me, I might or might not have taken this a bit too seriously, but it was really nice to think about things that make me happy. Tagging @intyalote @seeorseem @flamingears and @crossant-creachure if you feel like playing! AND tagging both @fwoopersongs and @llonkrebboj to make up for my indecision.

#it's not an #ask meme #but i think that's my tag for stuff like this?#also i deleted it from the main post bc it's just too corny #but in my heart one bullet point still only just says ''hal'' :p #well turns out tag is not ask meme... but what is it then

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tehuti88-art · 5 months

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12/1/23: r/SketchDaily theme, "Free Draw Friday." Since I didn't do a character portrait last week, and these are closely related, I'm doing two this week. This week's characters from my anthro WWII storyline are the von Adel siblings, Godfrey and Tatiana. They're the children of Ratdog (AKA Adel) (updated portrait) and Didrika. Ratdog's surname is never given--it starts with von and he's the last to carry it, so his children turn his first name into their surname. Both Ratdog and Didrika lose their soulmates near the story's end and name their children in their honor; Godfrey is named after Godfrey Klemper, while Tatiana is named after Boris's sister Tatiana. This is them as adults since they aren't born yet during the main story. There'll be more about them later in my art Tumblr and Toyhou.se.

Regarding their design, they're meant to resemble both parents somewhat. And based on their eye color I don't think genetic laws follow the same logic in my story, but I dunno, maybe Didrika's got blue-eyed ancestors.

TUMBLR EDIT: So, according to human genetics, if Ratdog has no brown-eyed gene and Didrika has no recessive blue-eyed gene, they COULD still have blue-eyed kids, I guess...? Genetics isn't my strong suit. Anyway.

I'll write up Godfrey's and Tatiana's entries together as they're so closely tied and don't have enough info yet to justify separate writeups, though their art will be separate. I think baby Godfrey might show up in a flash-forward(?) near the end of Ultima Thule but am not sure; they do not appear otherwise in the main series, as they aren't born until afterward. Aside from the main, mostly wartime plot, there are backstories (see, for example, Ilse von Dobermann's recent entry), sidestories (lots of the plot I've been going over takes place "offscreen" while the main plot is occurring--I haven't drawn him yet, but Hauptsturmführer Oskar Ettlinger is a good example of a character who appears almost exclusively in sidestory), and afterstories, or flash-forwards, what becomes of the characters afterward. (There's also a peculiarity I call "In Heaven," but I won't get into it here.) You can see an example of extensive afterstory in Johanna Wolfstein's entry. Godfrey and Tatiana appear almost exclusively in afterstory; I roughly estimate that they're born in the late Forties/early Fifties, so as they appear here, the story is likely in the late Sixties/early Seventies--again, very rough estimate. I think Ratdog is born around 1910-1915, so he'd be in his fifties or sixties.

Very brief summary of events I've already gone over, Ratdog loses his lover Godfrey Klemper to a sniper, and Didrika loses her lover Boris to suicide toward the war's end. As Ratdog had given Boris his gun to kill himself rather than die a slow death due to a wound, Didrika initially blames Ratdog for his death, and shoots him in retaliation. She belatedly realizes the truth of the situation--Ratdog was just trying to alleviate the suffering of an enemy, plus, he's mourning his own loss--so when he passes out from blood loss, she bustles him back to his house to try to save his life. When he regains consciousness, the two former enemies realize they're both going through the same grief; they never do fall in love with each other, but they do grow close over their shared pain, and become devoted partners. Didrika names their first child after Klemper. She's rather dismayed when their second child is a girl, simply because she'd hoped to name the baby Boris. Vaguely amused by this, Ratdog--now going by his birth name Adel--asks, well, what would Boris have named her...? Didrika thinks a moment before remembering how fondly Boris had spoken of his younger sister Tatiana, who had been killed serving in the Red Army. They name their daughter Tatiana.

Adel and Didrika had not planned on having children--Didrika figured she wasn't even able to. So she's rather flustered by the whole situation. Ironically, Adel is better prepared to handle it than she is. He fathered a son, Hans, out of wedlock years ago, and had to figure out almost entirely on his own how to care for the baby as a single father after the mother abandoned the infant with him. He made a lot of mistakes, but did his best, and loved the boy dearly; so he took it pretty hard when Hans was run down by a speeding motorcycle after wandering out in the road. He buried the toddler some small distance from his house in the woods, and buried Klemper beside him after his death years later. Klemper was the one he'd considered his family, similar with Didrika and Boris. They're together now instead. Didrika has no idea how to handle a baby, and is easily frustrated; the more even-tempered Adel ends up bonding more with Godfrey and then Tatiana, knowing better how to handle them. Didrika loves their children, of course, though she never quite manages to bridge this little gap between them; she just doesn't view herself as mother material. Adel dotes on the children, while Didrika maintains a slight distance. It's a rather odd family dynamic, but they manage to make it work.

Adel and Didrika often bring their young children to visit the Himmel house, a formerly abandoned mansion out in the country near the Albrechts' farm. Otto Himmel once served in the SS but did what he could to thwart their influence behind the scenes, to protect his disabled son; he moved into the mansion and, similar to Adel, partnered up with Johanna Wolfstein (Himmel's never stopped mourning his deceased wife), and they've adopted a handful of children, as Johanna can't have any of her own. The mansion becomes a favorite visiting place for old friends, allies, and even former enemies from the war. Himmel adores children even more than Adel, having always wanted a big family, though his wife died giving birth to their only son; he now takes joy vicariously through his adopted children, and those who visit his house. He greets baby Godfrey, then baby Tatiana, with a big smile and asks to hold them. As they grow into toddlers he spoils them with candies, and likes to watch them run around and play on his property. Whenever they knock something over or break something in the house, he's the one to quickly brush off Didrika's exasperated admonishments, insisting that children will be children, and it's always best to just let them play and get it out. Himmel soon becomes a sort of beloved family member himself, with Tatiana especially calling him Uncle Otto. Himmel's eyes, which are usually so sad, always light up and crinkle when he's called this. Over the years, Tatiana often visits him for advice or comfort, which he always gives.

As adults, Godfrey and Tatiana decide to live together as neither ends up getting married, at least earlier on. They've always noticed the bit of distance between their parents, and Adel (who's better at such things) explains why he and their mother never got married; they love each other, but they aren't in love. Didrika obviously still carries a torch for Boris, and Adel still mourns Klemper. Godfrey takes this revelation better than Tatiana, who believes parents should be devoted to each other and their children; "Unfortunately, Schatzi, life isn't always so simple," Adel says when she mumbles her disapproval, and Godfrey--always more realistic and less romantic than his sister--shushes her before she can carry on. "This isn't the sort of thing for you to fuss over," he chides her when they're alone, and when she again tries to protest--"Think on it, Godfrey, how it feels to know your own parents don't even love each other?"--he replies, "You're thinking only of yourself. Didn't you see how he felt--? Every time he says my name, for example," and when Tatiana furrows her brow, he says, "Like it reminds him, every single time. Of the person he really loves. You can't just choose to stop loving someone because they're gone, Tati. Uncle Otto could tell you that."

Didrika gradually grows listless and weak, and finally can barely pull herself out of bed. Adel waits on her hand and foot, but it's obvious she's very ill, and only getting worse. A country healer comes to look her over and quietly tells Adel what she believes she has; she uses a different, folksy name, but Adel knows that in the city they simply call it cancer. The healer says it's in her blood, and while she can alleviate some of the symptoms for a time, she can't cure her. "It isn't good, is it," Didrika murmurs when she sees the look on Adel's face; she tries to convince him not to worry about or waste his time on her, but he promises to care for her as long as he's able. "Let me take care of everything now...?" he says softly, "And you just try to get your rest." Didrika obviously feels guilty to no longer be able to carry her weight, but knows better than to argue. She breaks down crying a few times, and Adel always comforts her. Godfrey and Tatiana, who live nearer the city, come to visit often, sitting with their mother and keeping her company when their father has to go out and do anything. Tatiana tries to convince her to return to the city with them, but Didrika refuses: "If a healer can't do anything for me, why do you think some fancy city gadjo doctor can...? I'm better off here, at home." Tatiana appeals to Adel behind Didrika's back, but he simply reiterates Didrika's argument, adding when he sees his daughter's aggrieved look, "You think I haven't already tried to convince her otherwise, Schatzi...? She's stubborn, and she changes her mind for no one, not even me. Believe me, I've tried every line I have." Although it crushes her inside, Tatiana knows he's being honest and there's nothing more they can say to change her mind.

One day Kolten, Himmel's son, is out in the yard chopping wood when he spots someone approaching across the fields; recognizing Adel, and seeing the look on his face, he puts down his ax and hurries out back, calling, "Papa--? Papa!" Finding Himmel tending to the vegetable garden--"Kolten? What is it?"--he says, "Herr Adel is coming. His face..." And without thinking he mimics the expression. Himmel pales a little, pushes himself to his feet, and grabs his walking stick. "Find Johanna, and have her fetch some hot tea," he says, and limps off as Kolten obeys. He meets Adel in the yard, like Kolten sees his glassy stare, and says, "Herr Adel...? Are you all right?" Adel swallows a few times before murmuring, "Didi," and although it's rather out of character for both of them, Himmel briefly embraces him before leading him inside.

Although rather numb--"I don't think it's really hit him yet," Himmel murmurs--Adel is already trying to figure out what needs to be done. He thinks they should try to contact Mirela and her father Nikolas, two other Roma he knows, to ask about any customs or rites they might need to follow. Regarding Didrika's burial, "She should be with Boris," Adel says, and he's adamant about it. Boris had died out in the countryside, and Didrika had buried him herself; she gave Adel the location and coordinates at a later point, and Himmel jots this down. Johanna calls Sgt. Gold Rat, an American soldier still living in Germany; he's close to Mirela and Nikolas, and the two agree to meet with Adel to sort out Didrika's funeral. (Upon hearing the news, Mirela breaks down weeping; Didrika and Boris had been her mentors of a sort.) Nikolas says the important thing is that Didrika be buried in consecrated ground; "I don't believe it is," Adel says doubtfully, as Boris was buried pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Himmel says, "I believe I know someone who can help," and when they all gather out at the forest's edge to locate Boris's grave, a Catholic priest joins them. Himmel has known him since before the war, and once threatened some troublemaking Nazis away from his church. "This isn't entirely 'kosher,' for want of a better word," he murmurs, adding, "Typically a bishop should be the one doing this," but Nikolas says it should be all right, so he scatters holy water around Boris's gravesite when they finally locate it and recites a prayer. The men dig a grave, Kolten doing most of the work as he's the strongest. "Keep this between us, ja...?" the priest says to Himmel, and offers more prayers as Didrika's body, bundled up in blankets, is lowered into the hole--Mirela, crying again, places within a religious charm, while Johanna murmurs a Jewish prayer and Nikolas sings a folk song under his breath--and Godfrey comforts his weeping sister. Adel just stands silently, looking the weariest he's looked in a long time. It's an odd little mishmash of a funeral, traditional Roma and Catholic and Jewish mixed all together, but once the ground is covered up again and markers and flowers and stones placed, the group quietly agrees it was a nice ceremony, and slowly disperses. "Papa and Mama should be together," Tatiana mumbles sadly as she trudges through the grass with Godfrey's arm around her, to which her brother sighs and replies, "This is both their wish. You do think they should have that much, ja...?"

Still...Tatiana is as stubborn as Didrika, and confronts her father not long after; "How do you and Mama plan to find each other again?" she asks, "If you're not near each other? You two were together, you're the one who cared for her most, not this Boris. You should be together at the end. You might not be able to find each other, so far apart." "Find each other where...?" Adel asks, sounding mystified; "In the next life," Tatiana insists. Adel gets an oddly resigned look on his face and sighs.

Adel: "We really shouldn't argue over this, Schatzi."

Tatiana: "Why not? Don't you worry?"

Adel: "I don't worry about something I don't believe in."

Tatiana: *stunned* "What...? Don't believe in what?"

Adel: "A 'next life.' There's no such thing. There's no second chance, to do things over. We have this one life, and that's it."

Tatiana: "How can you not believe...?"

Adel: *bitterly* "If you'd seen the things I've seen--" *cuts himself off, takes & lets out a breath* *calmer* "Because I've seen no reason to believe." *pause; Tatiana stares* *sighing* "And this is why we shouldn't argue over it, Schatzi. Your Mutter and I, we didn't agree on this, but when you and Godfrey were born, we agreed we wouldn't teach you how to believe, we'd let you find your own things to believe in. And you have. It's not what I believe in but I'd never tell you what you should or shouldn't believe. And you shouldn't be telling me."

Tatiana: "You...don't believe you and Mama will find each other again...?"

Adel: "Even if we could, that's not what was meant to happen. She wanted to be with Herr Boris. That's the belief that brought her comfort. You'd talk to me about belief, yet deny her that...?"

Tatiana: "Then...if you don't believe that, what brings you comfort...?"

Adel: *resigned look; silence*

Tatiana returns home to Godfrey, stunned; she'd never had any idea their father is an atheist. This hits almost as hard as realizing that he and her mother hadn't been in love, and she spends quite a while agonizing over it. Godfrey's acceptance of this information--none of it surprises him in the least, "If you'd been through even half the stuff Vater's been through, you'd understand why he doesn't believe"--just frustrates her further, and she seeks solace from "Uncle Otto." Although he doesn't regularly attend church, Himmel is definitely a believer, and he and Tatiana have prayed together numerous times. From all she's heard, he's been put through the wringer as well--he lost his father at a young age, his mother took her life when he was a teenager, he served in the Great War while underage and suffered a severe injury and shell shock, nearly died of the flu, considered taking his own life, lost his wife in childbirth, had his disabled son taken away to be raised by the state, then his own brother-in-law tried to have him killed so he could take custody of his son and experiment on him--so, Tatiana reasons, why isn't he atheist, too? To her consternation, Himmel doesn't confirm her reasoning: "It's different for everyone, Liebe. Some people have a fuller cup than others; some people are built up by pain, some are torn down. What's a comfort to one person might be suffering to another. Even I've had my moments of doubt. Everyone has to work with what he has. Your Vater's choice not to believe is his choice alone to make, not yours. He has his reasons I'm sure he's thought through. All you can do is respect that."

Tatiana is terribly discouraged by all this hitting her at once--she's a rather anxious sort who worries constantly about everyone, and so takes comfort in the thought that someday all her family will be together again, and perfect, and at peace--which she's pretty sure can't happen if they aren't all on the same page. And it especially bothers her that she can't change anyone's mind or convince them otherwise. "I'm his daughter, you think I could convince him to believe, if only for my sake," she complains to Godfrey; his apparent lack of concern about such things wears on her, yet she has no one else to vent to. "I feel like a failure that I can't get him to believe." Godfrey assures her this isn't the case; it's not her place to convince anyone of anything, and she'll just drive herself crazy trying. "What about you?" she demands, "Why does this not upset you?"

Godfrey: "Because I accept it's something I have no power to change. And the sooner you accept it, the less you'll drive yourself mad over it. If you believe so much, no matter what Vater thinks, everything will work out in the end, won't it--?"

Tatiana: "Do you believe...? Or not?"

Godfrey: *rolling eyes & sighing* "Tati..."

Tatiana: *growing strident* "Do you--?"

Godfrey: *throwing up hands* "I...don't know! I don't know."

Tatiana: "How can you not know--?"

Godfrey: "I just don't! I don't understand how you're so certain something is true and Vater is so certain it's not. I really don't think ANYONE can know for sure." *shrugs* "I guess...I'm somewhere in the middle? And I'm fine not knowing."

Tatiana: "How can you be fine with it? What is there for you to take comfort from?"

Godfrey: "I just am. And I take comfort from Mutter and Vater not pushing anything on us and trusting us enough to make our own decisions. They believed in us, why don't you believe in them? Everybody has to come up with their own path, and they believed in us enough to let us do so. I find that comforting. Don't you?"

Tatiana: *eyes downcast; murmuring* "I just want us all to be together again someday."

Godfrey: "And maybe we will be. How do you know we won't? And that's then, not now. Why don't you be here for Vater now?...I really think he needs us, now."

Godfrey explains: Adel of course hasn't said any such thing aloud, but Godfrey is sure he's in pain. Much more than he'll let on. He and Didrika might not have been IN love, but they still loved each other, and now she's gone, and Adel is alone. He's suffered a near-unimaginable amount of loss in his lifetime--his parents, his sister, his son, Klemper, now Didrika--Godfrey finds himself uncharacteristically worried about him. Tatiana instantly forgets her troubles about convincing him to believe and fixates on this instead; "He didn't cry at the funeral," she says, eyes wide, "are you sure he's so upset...?" "You know how he is, always hiding everything," Godfrey replies; "just because he won't show it doesn't mean it's not there." He suggests that, rather than keep trying to pick an argument she'll never win, she simply try to be there for their father now--"And not just in some future afterlife that might or might not exist."

Tatiana is oddly silent for a long moment; her stare drifts downward and her fingers fiddle nervously with the edge of her blouse. "What...?" Godfrey says, and frowns. "What is it?" Tatiana responds by drawing in on herself, a miserable look coming to her face. "Tati, you're frightening me now," Godfrey exclaims, "what is it? What's wrong?"

Tatiana: "I...I planned to tell Papa later, I swear I did, but now...now I wonder if...if he should even know at all. But I don't know how I'd keep it from him."

Godfrey: "Keep what from him?"

Tatiana: "If he's really going through so much all at once, I don't want to add to that."

Godfrey: "Add what--? Tati, what are you talking about?"

Tatiana: "I only just found out for sure a few days ago." *pause* "I..." *trails off* *hands creep over her abdomen*

Godfrey: *stares* *eyes widen* "Tati..." *looks up at her* "You're pregnant...?"

Tatiana: *nods, eyes wet*

Godfrey: "How...? What are you going to do?"

Tatiana: "A stupid mistake. But...I don't know..." *looks at her abdomen* "I kind of like the thought of being a Mutter. I think I'd make a good one...do you?"

Godfrey: "Of course you would."

Tatiana: "I'd be all on my own, though..."

Godfrey: "You wouldn't. You could stay here and I could help you."

Tatiana: *peers up at him* "You mean it...?"

Godfrey: "Of course I mean it! You're family."

Tatiana: *looking down* "I was going to wait a little while, then tell Papa...give him some time to get used to the idea...but now I'm not so sure I should."

Godfrey: "How exactly would you hide that from him--?"

Tatiana: "I don't know...but I can't bear to disappoint him, now...!"

Godfrey: "Tati..." *takes her arms* "If you think for one moment Vater will be disappointed in you over this..."

Tatiana: *tearful* "How could he not be? I'm not married...not employed...don't even have a partner...I have no idea what I'm doing..."

Godfrey: "Listen to yourself. You do know who you're talking about, ja--? Vater, who made a stupid mistake. Who owned up to it even though he had no idea what he was doing. Who loved that mistake with all his heart and mourns it still. Trust me, Tati, he's not going to be disappointed in you, because he's not a hypocrite."

Tatiana: "Maybe I should think about it a little while..."

Godfrey: "Nein, Tati, you have to tell him."

Tatiana: "Maybe after it's born--"

Godfrey: "Nein. You have to tell him as soon as possible." *grasps her arms, looking her in the eyes: "As soon as possible, Tati. Trust me."

Tatiana promises to tell Adel the next time she visits, Godfrey's insistence perplexing her. What happens next is outlined HERE.

Elias Baswitz is a former partisan fighter who had a run-in with Klemper during the war, and they shared a brief time together before parting ways. After the war, he accidentally stumbled across a makeshift grave near a woodland road, an odd combination of a death rune and a cross, topped with a Stahlhelm; curiously lifting the helmet to peer at the rune, he was startled to see the name G KLEMPER carved into the wood. He only belatedly noticed the much smaller grave beside it, bearing a marker that said merely HANS. He tearfully said a prayer for the dead and placed stones on both graves before heading on his way. Every time he had reason to pass by that area, he would pray and leave stones, until one day he found a man with a rifle pointed at him, demanding to know why he kept leaving rocks on the graves. Baswitz replied that it was a Jewish custom and he'd meant no disrespect. This seemed to strike a chord for the man, and he asked if his name was Elias. After a few confused questions and answers, the situation was cleared up: The man with the gun was Ratdog, AKA Adel, and he and Klemper had been close. The two became decent acquaintances, Baswitz always making sure to pay his respects at Klemper's and Hans's graves whenever he paid Adel and Didrika a visit, Adel sharing his hospitality and news in return.

Baswitz is the one who, trekking through the snowy woods one day after a blizzard, is puzzled to see no smoke rising through the trees as he nears Adel's cottage; his puzzlement turns to concern when he sees that Klemper's and Hans's graves haven't been cleared of snow yet, then alarm when he spots the cottage and notices that the door is standing open. He hurries up, calling, "Herr Adel--? Herr Adel!" as he enters--he shudders at the way his breath plumes even inside, furrows his brow at the open windows, the snow piled on the floor and furniture. He picks an upended glass off the table--underneath is a slip of paper saying merely I'M SORRY, I TRIED--and glances around again, calling, "Herr Adel?" Then gasps and jerks back--he spots the bed area tucked into an alcove, and someone is lying in it, still and powdered with snow.

Baswitz makes the long trek to Himmel's house. Himmel, Johanna, and Johanna's brother Jakob Wolfstein have to calm him down to get the details from him as he can barely speak; once it becomes clear he's talking about Adel, the three men hurry out to Wolfstein's big truck while Johanna gets on the telephone. They drive back to the cottage, where Himmel carefully rolls Adel toward him a bit and feels his neck; he shakes his head, murmuring, "He's ice cold." He retrieves something from Adel's hand--an old wooden horse--and looks it over, puzzled. They debate what to do, before deciding to bundle him up and place him in the snowbank next to the cottage until a proper grave can be dug--beside Klemper and Hans. "That's where he would want to be," Baswitz says through his tears; "he cared for those graves like little else."

Johanna greets them back at the mansion; she's called Godfrey and Tatiana. They arrive some time later, and Himmel and Wolfstein share the news; Godfrey's face pinches with obvious grief, though he doesn't seem surprised. Tatiana breaks down sobbing. She's so overcome that Johanna has to take Hans from her while Kolten stands in the doorway, hands over his ears. Baswitz is himself consumed by guilt--"I should have stopped by to check on him sooner"--but Godfrey murmurs, "He wasn't doing well for a long time...I don't think you could've done anything. No one could have."

There's little hope of burying Adel in the deep of winter with the ground frozen; they have to wait until the spring thaw. Kolten again does most of the digging--"I can do it! It's not too much," he insists when the others try to help--and a third marker is placed beside Hans's and Klemper's. Baswitz promises to tend to them all. Adel is interred without any real ceremony, though it's obvious some silent prayers are being said; everyone heads back to the cottage. Tatiana is the hardest hit, so Johanna sits with her until Himmel comes in. Tatiana sobs on his knee as he strokes her hair.

Tatiana: *crying* "I'm so angry with him."

Himmel: *silence*

Tatiana: "How could he be so selfish...? How could he think we'd be all right without him? I wasn't ready. I had so much to tell him. I thought...I thought Hans would convince him to hold on. I thought I could convince him. Why? Why weren't we good enough...?"

Himmel: "Sometimes nothing is enough, Liebe. It says nothing about you."

Tatiana: "Now I have to figure everything out without him and I'm not ready to and I'm just...so angry. I'm so mad at him for leaving us. Am I wrong? Godfrey doesn't seem angry."

Himmel: "Grief is never wrong, Liebe. It's merely different for everyone. Don't feel ashamed of it."

Tatiana: "I feel like I'll be angry forever" *cries harder* "How could he leave us...things were going to be better. All he had to do was hold on. Why couldn't he hold on...?"

Himmel: "I think sometimes the hurt just outweighs the happiness, Liebe. Some people hold on until they simply have nothing left. It's not your fault for not being enough. I think...he just gave out before you came along, but held on as long as he could anyway. There was nothing you could've done."

Tatiana: "I thought he might keep going for Hans."

Himmel: "And he did, as long as he could. Until he couldn't anymore. That's not on you, Liebe. You didn't fail him. You did your best. You kept him going so he could meet his grandson. You're a good daughter."

Godfrey and Tatiana return home, though they keep in touch, Tatiana calling on the phone just to talk when she needs advice. She stops by for a visit not long after; Kolten emerges from his room to look at little Hans, bundled in Tatiana's arms, while Johanna fetches Himmel. Noticing Kolten's curiosity, Tatiana asks Himmel if Hans would be safe with him (Kolten is a very big, imposing guy); "Of course," Himmel beams, "Kolten?--would you like to hold him for a bit?" Tatiana shows Kolten how to hold the infant--Hans is positively tiny in his huge hands--and steps into the next room to talk with Himmel. She's nervous and uncertain about something, so he tries to put her at ease. She finally, tentatively explains why she's there: "I'd...I'd wanted to ask Papa," she murmurs, "but...well...anyway, you've always been so kind to me, even when I know I was a hassle and didn't deserve it...what I wanted to ask you was, would you be Hans's Pate (godfather)?" Himmel just stares, so she hastens to add, "If...if you want to. I understand if you don't, and it's all right--and I'm sorry if I'm bothering you--"

"Nein," Himmel says abruptly, cutting her off. He shakes his head; "I mean you aren't bothering me at all. Of course." And his sad eyes light up and he beams again. "Of course I will," he says. "I'd be honored. Danke."

[Godfrey von Adel 2023 [‎Friday, ‎December ‎1, ‎2023, ‏‎3:00:14 AM]]

[TUMBLR NOTE: I had to fudge the posting time to 2:59AM rather than 3:00AM (same as but before his sister's entry) as this entry does not even show up in my archive when sorting by year, otherwise! WTF, Tumblr?? Cripes.]

#artists on tumblr #ibisPaint x #SketchDaily #original characters

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stayathomesurveys · 9 months

Text

174.

How frequently are you inclined to read, and how much? I've really been wanting to read lately but I don't, lol.

When was the last time you questioned the direction your life was taking? Every single day.

What small things have the ability to get under your skin? I don't know.

When was the last time you were caused to be upset with someone? Now.

What is something small that has the ability to cure a bad mood? Nothing really. It depends.

What beverage is best capable of quenching your thirst? Water?

What was the last big change through which you went? Do you deal well with change, typically? Have you always? I moved back home to SC. That was a big change. I think I deal with change pretty well, and I think that I always have. There are certain changes or times in my life when I may not deal with it as well, but I don't think it's ever been a big problem for me. I've always liked moving, changing my hair, etc.

How do you feel after spending a great quantity of time online? I don't feel a particular way?

What do you consider to be the biggest drawback to being you? I'm not sure.

What do you consider the best part of being who you are? Nothing.

What kinds of things do you have on display in your room? Makeup, perfume, candles, skin care.

What do you think your room and its contents say about you, if anything? That I like all of the above, lol.

When was the last time you felt insecure about something/some situation? Everyday.

Do you ever stop to contemplate infinity? Meh. I guess, sometimes.

Are you comfortable amongst nature, or does the wilderness discomfit you? I'm pretty comfortable.

When was the last time someone or something caught you off guard? Earlier.

How much time do you put into maintaining your appearance and hygiene? I don't really go anywhere or do anything these days, so bare minimum time and effort.

Are there any foods you eat daily? Or wish you could? I wish that I could eat chocolates daily!

When was the last time someone new entered your life? What was your first impression of that individual? I dunno.

Do you put much thought into your handwriting? Not really.

What are some of the top priorities in your life right now? Getting a fucking job.

In general, how do you feel about romantic relationships? They are scary.

Which emotional sensation inconveniences or bothers you the most? Anxiety.

Are you capable of consoling others in their grief? Sometimes.

Do you ever find it awkward to compliment another being? Sometimes, but it's mostly because I'm really shy and I always worry about how people will respond.

When was the last time you had a new experience? What was it? I went to Animal Kingdom for the first time in my life last month?

Do you dress more for yourself, or to the expectations of others? Myself. What kinds of things tend to stress you out? So many things...

What is one way you cope when you feel like crap? I try to sleep.

Name an insult you regularly receive, if there is one? The only person insulting me is myself.

Name a site that takes up a lot of your time? Twitter.

What is something you used to believe about life that you no longer do? Idk.

What is a lesson you have recently learned? Idk.

Do you have a tendency to look on the morbid side of life? Sometimes.

When was the last time you went shopping? What did you buy? June. Clothes.

When you shop for clothing, how long does it take you? Long.

What is something fun you have done within the past week? I went to the beach with my sister and niece :)

What is something you hope you never have to do again? Idk.

How does the rain affect your mood, if it does? I love it! It doesn't really affect my mood, though.

#survey

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s4turday-sun · 1 year

Text

chats with me: freddie talks about death for a long time late at night

(warning as you can tell i'm going to talk a lot about death and how i process it here - if that isn't for you then maybe skip this one <3)

i dunno why i'm getting so deep this late at night but. i've been thinking a lot about death lately and how it affects me? and things are starting to make sense and i wanted to share it in case anyone can a) relate!! cos i saw a clip of smt that made me go "oH-- this happens to others?" and it actually made me feel a lot more comfortable thinking and talking about it? and b) mayhaps some of you kind tumblrinas can point me in the direction of what the hell this is even related to or if it's just a freddie's-brain thing. anyway let's get on to the main event :]

so. death. it's a natural thing, i guess, which is the first reason i can't really wrap my head around it. it happens all the time, every day, so why is there such a stigma around it? why does it bother us so much? and really, that takes us to the topic of empathy and loss, which is another thing i can't quite understand. i've always been told i'm not overly empathetic, but nobody's ever said i am empathetic either-- i can listen to people's issues, and i can attempt to offer help or consolation, but when it comes to truly empathising, i struggle. processing emotions has also always been a point of confusion for me-- i'm not good at naming emotions when i do feel them, and they tend to be either extremely muted or very strong, with no in-between. this makes dealing with loss or grief (mine or someone else's) a difficult thing, because in the most simplistic terms, i can't cry at a funeral. i just do not feel grief in the same way as most people. when someone close to me dies, if anything, i'm upset by the way things change in the wake of that death-- people act differently, events and occurrences that have been the same for ages are suddenly completely changed, and everything is switched around in a way i have trouble dealing with.

so to summarise all of that for you, my ability to empathise isn't exactly what most people expect. death doesn't make me sad like it makes other people sad. i've never cried at a funeral. the worst part of death for me is the changes that follow, because they're really hard for me to adjust to. if any of that makes sense to you, or maybe sounds like something you could relate to, feel free to drop by and chat for a bit :] or if you know what that means, please please tell me i've been trying to sort it out for the longest time!! neurodivergency of some sort i think but i don't know exactly what (there's like. other stuff too obviously but it doesn't fit into this set of paragraphs XD)

anyway, that's all for now :] thanks for stopping by, and if you got this far, i appreciate it!! have a lovely day/night/whatever <3

#xx freddie #death tw #dear void #(is that my spam tag? i think so)

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sw4tch · 2 years

Text

Ok so About The Yearning

Actually i don't have a lot to say about it. I just feel empty lately and that's just how things are.

I keep wondering if this is all there is to life. And maybe it is? You wanted a quiet life, didn't you? Then, this is How You Live A Quiet Life.

That's mean. Don't be mean to me.

Sigh. I don't know, i wish i knew more people. Wish i had more people to hang out with. To talk with. To go out and watch a movie with.

Like, dunno, i want to feel like I'm doing something fun with my life instead of hiding away in one tiny little room as always.

Man, if i was back in the city, I'd be a riot. There's so much to do in the city.

Here i gotta have a car if i want to go ANYWHERE and i hate it. Which is funny bcus this place is a city too???????? Why is EVERYTHING so far away from each other. If i wanna go to costco i gotta drive for 40 minutes. Back home i could walk there in 15 minutes. Jeez.

I guess I'm annoyed at how caged it makes me feel. I'm free but also I'm not. I mean I'm not free but what can you do, u know?

Sigh.

Maybe I'm bitter.

I had a manic incident this weekend and i am struggling to shake it off. I still feel buzzing and feel ready to be reckless and destroy my life into tiny little pieces-

But you know. I have learned self restrain so i can only rationalize with myself and breathe in and out.

And yearn! Lol

Anyway.

I'm planning a vacation to europe now. Gonna burn all this stupid little money i have. Gotta enjoy life a little. My american visa won't get here until 2 years so i have given up on visiting the north americas. It's not worth it. Nothing will ever be.

I haven't planned my vacation yet. I just said i would. But i haven't opened the websites yet. I have visited the websites for the past 3 weeks and all they have given me has been grief.

But europe might be different. Maybe i can go hiking and get lost and become a fun true crime case. Get taken by the faerie or whatever.

Fuck.

Sorry.

I'm manic. Or sad. Or both. But i am full of energy and i want to feel alive because if i feel alive then maybe i won't feel like tearing my ribs apart.

So i gotta breathe. In and Out.

If you were watching me from an outside perspective, you wouldn't even know that I'm going through it. Which is fun.

Living a quiet life as a quiet person with a quiet heart.

I want to be noisy and annoying and LOUD and the person that interrupts you mid sentence BECAUSE THEY NEED TO BE HEARD RIGHT NOW.

But I'll never be. I never have things i want others to hear. My love life? My problems? My annoyances? My opinions? Why would anyone care about those.

They're not interesting to say outloud. That's fine. It's understandable. It's not anyone's fault.

I wish i had more money to have a more interesting life. Rich people can afford to be interesting.

What can i do, other than stay inside and look out the window and dream of traveling the world to fill the empty space in my soul.

I had a nightmare today.

I haven't had nightmares in almost a year. But i had one today.

I was going to be late to my flight. I had 30 minutes to get to the airport.

But the drive there would take me 30 minutes already. And i realized that i wouldn't make it anyway, because you have to be there 2 hours earlier to register your bags.

And i was so stressed.

Other stuff happened. Which i don't remember. But anyway i ended up in a sexually violent part of my dream. I woke up disgusted. The scenario repeats again and again, one of the worst parts of my life just always comes back to me in nightmares. Why wouldn't it, right?

I don't know why i had this nightmare.

It might be obvious right?

But no matter how sad I've been while living here, my dreams have been either empty or pleasant.

What hurt me so badly to have a nightmare? And after such a good day too? I went to the mall with my friends and had fun.

Why did i dream about the flight ticket and about that?

This emptiness will eat me up alive, is that what you're saying?

I guess I got sad. Thinking about how truly alone I am.

Which is ridiculous, you know? I have friends.

But deep inside i understand that does not matter. I have no one that will take care of me in the ways that matter. No safety net, no home to come back to.

I have no home.

I don't have a family that loves me.

So why bother. Why bother. What's all this song and dance for? This stupid performance for?

For me. It's for me. And for you, always for you.

C'mon. C'mon. Snap out of it. I'm tired of the routine in which i come home and pretend to forget how empty my life is. No. Snap out of it.

Don't cry.

I know, it's hard.

I don't have good words of encouragement for you this time around. Have you gotten tired of me too?

No. I just don't know how to comfort you with words you'd believe.

What words would I believe?

I love you. I love you. I love you.

That's why I work so hard, yes? Our savings are for us. For you to enjoy. For you to have something at the end of the world.

But. Please keep them. Please don't do reckless things.

Why wasn't i made for fairytale romances?

I don't know. That's my honest answer.

But I'd love for you to have one. I can't promise you that one day it'll come. We're too reclusive and closed off for them, maybe. But.

Well, i love you. Isn't that enough?

I don't know.

I can still try.

So, just breathe. Breathe. Write. And breathe.

You're only human you know? These kinds of things happen.

Please wait for a good opportunity to come before you burn our savings. Sadly, vacations weren't made for us.

You'll just burn your money and get nothing out of it.

"Memories" hah, you know our memory is bad and forgets the essence of those special moments. So unless you travel with a photographer, you won't even get to have those memories for yourself.

Just putting it out there, love.

Love, what a nice word.

Anyway. That's the plan, yes? Keep your savings. Don't spend much. Go to the cinema sometimes.

That's it. Sorry we can go anywhere. But hey, maybe one day things will be easier.

Unsatisfactory plan, i see.

Sure, but we're looking out for the one we love.

Our beloved, right, right. Snaily of the future.

If we stay strong, maybe they'll get to have an easier time in the future.

What's the future like? I hope it's good.

We can only hope.

Right.

Well, at least i stopped crying.

Thank you. Thank you.

I love you, i love you, i love you. Please stay strong. Stay strong. Stay strong.

#snaily blabber #v en t

0 notes

apple-but-sour · 3 years

Note

been all over twitter lately, dunno about you but i've noticed an.. uprising, i suppose, of c!tommy enthusiasts/apologists. With this came along discussions about stuff like exile/etc. It, from posts i've seen, has brought up conflicting stories. You seem like a pretty competent analysist, so i come bearing a question to satisfy my curiosity: would you say the concept or whatever of exile itself, was premeditated or an example of a breaking point/etc for c!dream?

It was definitely premeditated to a degree because earlier we saw Dream griefing around the server with the explicit purpose of framing it on Tommy. Though I don't think Exile specifically was his aim since that's something cc!Tubbo came up with once the obsidian walls around L'Manburg were already up, but creating a divide between Tommy and L'Manburg was definitely premeditated by Dream.

#apple answers #anon

60 notes · View notes

nanabbi · 4 years

Note

Hello! I love zisashi angst and I have at least 70 fics to rec! ... Would you like me to recommend them? 👀 I've been colecting them for over a year now

So, this person did DM me the recs but they didn’t want to be mentioned by name, so I’ll just thank them a lot for sharing their suggestions. They had also placed sweet little notes for all of them, I’ll include them, but I hold no authority of them. I’ll add some of my own insight if I have any.

Here is the list for me and all of you to check them out:

don't scream until the earth crumbles by rise_beyond_the_graveyard (serenlyall)

3K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Angst for Hizashi and Shouta. Mentions of torture, be careful with the tags]

If At First You Don't Succeed... by MarziPanda95

26K/Completed- !!! It Is completed! Yay, I’ll definitely read it at first chance. It is a Groundhog Day fic. [Their Note: A personal favorite that was completed very recently. Mentions of torture (mental and corporal) the tension in this fic is amazing! And its really well written]

Without You I Can't Breathe by morbidcorvids

2K/Oneshot- Major Character Death. Hizashi basically dies in Aizawa’s arms from what I saw. [Their Note: This one is... So good but omg it made me so sad ;;;; a great piece of angst!! Mind the tags before breaking your heart].

Hindsight Is 20/20 by Nartothelar

2K/Oneshot- Wait there’s fics of this AU!? Omg! I was wondering where I could get more insight about it and this fic is part of a series. Now tho 👀 [Their Note: Part of nartothelar's awesome mafia au! I love the angst in this one, and even comes with art! 💕💞💖💓 love it so much]

Resignation by OnAir

28K/Completed- [Their Note: THIS IS OMG SJDVBDD MY FAVE, I'VE READ IT LIKE 8383737721 TIMES, its a must! Read! Of! Hizashi! Angst! Pleaaaase! Do yourself a favor and read this masterpiece]

[More under Read More, because our provider was very generous with their suggestions]

Patchwork Family by bravobeavo

3K/Oneshot- [Their Note: This one is so cute! Hizashi angst with erasermic family fluff to warm your heart! Shinsou and Eri are so worried for their dad in this one 💕]

Consumption of the Heart and Lungs by YamiHeart

4K/Oneshot- [Their Note: I think you will like this one... Its a hanahaki!!!! And in japan with ninjas and samurais 💕💞💖 and an omg very good amazingly written hanahaki. It is part of a series though! So if you fall in love with it you can read the next one!]

White Chrysanthemums by LipstickVenom

9K/Oneshot- I see Major Character Death warning and Hurt no Comfort. I’ll approach with caution [Their Note: Ok hear me out, this one hurts! A lot, but its oh so amazing💕 fully recommend it!]

Paper Hearts by Xen_The_Protogen

2K/Oneshot- Major Character Death Warning [ Their Note: Super fun timeline to follow! Well... Not fun, this fic made me cry, but I loved how the story was told! Please, its a must read!]

Soul Bound by Ibelieveinahappilyeverafter

7K/Oneshot- It is written by Andy. I trust it. [Their Note: One of the best soulmate fanfiction out there, its not fully angst, but it is there in some parts! (USJ I see ya) this one is more like Hizashi and Shouta angst though].

you are my sunshine by chimera (emptyheadspace)

5K/Completed- Ha. Ha. I see the title and the MCD Warning... Someone here is not afraid of that warning [Their Note: I mean, the title already tells you that this sadder than mufasa's death. 5+1 type of fic (I love the format so I loved this one even more!)]

I'm Sorry, I'm Not Sorry by Tabs

1K/Oneshot- It does say happy ending tho [Their Note: And yis.... Short and sad, read it!]

Shout & Mute by ill go with that then (Linelenagain)

9K/Oneshot- Body swap, you have my curiosity and attention [Their Note: Ok this one is not angst angst, but is more like Aizawa finally realizing the hardships that Hizashi must have (and is going through) because of his quirk thanks to a bodyswap! :D (love this one aye)]

A Gift of Sunshine by Ibelieveinahappilyeverafter

35K/Completed- It’s Andy again! Hi sir, I’m a fan. The concept seems interesting [Their Note: Ok so... In this fic Hizashi is a sword and Aizawa attends UA with him (it? Lol) well, he is more like a soul in a sword, not the swor- meh, just read it. It has some heave angst in some chapters! And its not that long! Reallyyyy good fic]

More Than Just a Smile by ravyn_sinclair

7K/Oneshot- -heavy breathing- I see BAMF Hizashi in the tags. BAMF HIZASHI! [Their Note:This is a fic of Hizashi being underestimated and showing everyone that he has some brains/ knows how to be a hero. There is angst by the end of the fic~ this piece of writing is just- a masterpiece. Kudos to the writer!]

Improbable Botany 101 by Tierfal

46K/Complete- [Their Note: OKAY! A HANAHAKI THAT IS JUST 💕💞💖 its longish? Not that much, you'll finish it in an hour or so, but is just sooooo gooooooood! Amazing hanahaki angst! I love how they show us the feelings and thoughts of the characters].

6:15 by dadzawa_of_1a

3K/Oneshot- [Their Note: So great! I loved this one! And its very well written! Its a quick read so please just go go go go!].

I thought we'd last forever by orphan_account

1K/Oneshot- MCD Warning [Their Note: Great fic my dear! And very sad... Mind the tags :'"c]

Ice It by Say_Jay

3K/Oneshot- Oh! I’ve read this one! It’s so cute. I was looking for it when I was doing the Hizashi whump list, but I hadn’t bookmarked it! Now I have! Gosh I hate losing fics, thanks for bringing it over [Their Note: Its more like... Comfort after getting hurt? But meh, angst anyway sbdbjdbd However, I think that everyone in the erasermic fandom is familiar with this short masterpiece].

Dust in the Wind by d_lynx

Sleep and Sweet Tea by d_lynx

2K/Series- [Their Note: Ok this one is just pure angst. A very short concentrated bomb of angst. It does have a happy continuation though! So you can go and check that].

Guillotine by existentialrat

4K/Ongoing- !!! 👀 Do I have anything to do with the origin of this fic? I see the author’s note there. I’ll wait~ [Their Note: Hizashi is with hanahaki! Ohnooo! Dnjdbdj well well, this one is not finished, but there is one chapter left so... You can choose to either wait or just start reading it. Oboro lives in this one though!]

Honest with You by astrange_one

8K/Completed- [Their Note: Hizashi gets insecure after having an encounter with his past foster parents :c babyyyyy. He suffers so much mentally speaking in this one]

Needle-thin Tightrope by Dramaticdragon

2K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Another insecure Hizashi! This one is short but ohhh amazing!]

Lost and Found by TheWiseMansFear

16K/Ongoing- Last Update: April 2020 [Their Note: Hizashi is tortured but refuses to tell why! Its not finished! And the updates are slow, but is very good, read under your own risk].

Day 3: Unexpected/Revelation by presentedmic

2K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Great fic! Shouta tells Shinsou about the time he almost lost Hizashi! Cutecutecute and angsty!]

Desolate by maplebee

<1K/Oneshot- MCD [Their Note: A short very angsty fic... Almost made me cry, this one did].

With You by maplebee

<1K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Short and sad as well, this author is great with making you feel stuff in less than 1k].

Accidentally Forever by Arkham_Cat

1K/Oneshot- I skimmed through it, it seems mild with no Mature content [Their Note: Short Omegaverse, shows how Shouta accidentally marked Hizashi. Its angst? But not very heavy angst, soft angst? Dunno. And is short as well! So I would recommend it if u want a quick read!].

Sunshine Boy by MarziPanda95

40K/Completed- MarziPanda again! Hmmm 👀 [Their Note: We all know that Marzipanda95 is a goddess of Hizashi Angst, and this fic is one of her greatest masterpieces! Please! This is a must read!!! Recently completed].

Even As I'm Busted And Broken by Tippytap

<1K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Ok... Short but sad, Hizashi is finally overwhelmed. Mind the tags please]

(Don't Ever) Stop Talking by WritingStarsIntoConstellations

<1K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Aizawa messes up by using his quirk on Hizashi! They are teens in this one~]

Kintsugi (Broken & Fixed) by DarklingMoon

12K/Completed- [Their Note: Another 5+1 cause god knows I love them so much! Its a great fic filled with angssttttttt... Read it lol]

Lemon Boy by modernmint

<1K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Short! Focuses on the phobia that Hizashi has with bugs and the relationship of the boys! They are teens in here].

Five Times Present Mic Apologized (And One Time He Didn't Have To) by BurningTheSapphires (MyStShSh)

5K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Features villain present mic! Is not mostly angst but it has...] Good ending? I hope.

Sixty Seven by AcroArdent

1K/Oneshot- MCD [Their Note: This is just short erasermic angst. Featuring villain aizawa!]

Waiting For You to Call My Name by Purplemerald

2K/Oneshot- [Their Note: I mean, you tell me "Hizashi angst" and I think of this fic, short, painful, a must read].

Snapshot by LipstickVenom

5K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Insecure of his body image Hizashi :c ]

Five Stages of Grief by NeitherDeadnorAlive

3K/Ongoing- I saw no MCD warning. [Their Note: Hizashi is trapped with some civilians under loads of rubble! Rescate mission ensues! And huh... Its not finished, but its some great angst thooo]

Musical Vibrations by Rose_Cat

1K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Hizashi gets deafened :c ]

Letting Go by Zombieisms

<1K/Oneshot- MCD [Their Note: Hizashi is comatose].

Dangerous by AutisticWriter

1K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Little kid shinsou and hizashi bonding over their time at the orphanage].

One Last Time by CoolPandr

<1K/Oneshot- MCD [Their Note: Aizawa Mourning our sunshine boy :c short and painful]

You're Late! by AnotherWeirdoHere

<1K/Oneshot- MCD. I didn’t even read it but the title and the summary alone pained enough of a picture to make me choke. These concepts hit me for some reason [Their Note: Short angst! Super cute ending].

Too Loud and Too Much by doctornemesis

2K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Insecure teen hizashi :c someone give this boy a hug].

Just a Push by Say_Jay

5K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Aizawa injures Hizashi while training!]

Everything I Wanted by toshiwoshi

4K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Hizashi gets misuranderstood and gets his heart broken :c happy ending tho]

Memories by My_Furnace_Has_Wings

2K/Oneshot- MCD Omg... [Their Note: Ok this is erasermic family angst... Suuuuper sad, this author is great.]

Actions Speak Louder than Words by My_Furnace_Has_Wings

<1K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Teen erasermic confession with angst! Really good ^^]

Mr loverman by popweezle

1K/Oneshot- Angst with a freaking Happy Ending tag. Finally I am getting super depressed with these scenarios I am reading here. Good God. [Their Note: Another comatose Hizashi~]

first love / late spring by pgsaihara

1K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Erasermic angst, insecure Aizawa makes Hizashi upset :c ]

Needle-thin Tightrope by Dramaticdragon

2K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Another insecure about his volume hizashi :c poor baby but I kinda get him].

Small Hiding places by IsTheMedia

2K/Oneshot- Part of Villain!Mic [Their Note: Part of villain Hizashi series! But can be read alone... Implied child abuse, mind the tags].

(dis)trust by Cat_Tac

4K/Oneshot- TW: Sexual assault (doesn’t get far, but it is the basis of the plot). Mentioned this one in previous ask, but let’s put it in this huge pile too [Their Note: MIND THE TAGS PLEASE, this can be triggering. Hizashi is assaulted at work and feels guilty].

Be grateful, hero by SaltywithSarcasm

2K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Hizashi is kidnapped and tortured]

Tenacity by tiniest_hands_in_all_the_land

23K/Oneshot- [Their Note: Ok so... This is more Aizawa centric? But there is some amazing hizashi angst at the end! (Another 5+1 fic!)]

Déjà vu by douchegrayson

9K/Completed- Mentioned this one before too. I really love its concept so much [Their Note: Everyone forgets hizashi thanks to a quirk! Our poor boy is desolated :c ]

Stay With Me by MintIceTea

2K/Completed- [Their Note: Erasermic angst and fluff!]

Engagement by fecklessphilanderer

8K/Completed- [Their Note: Hizashi falls off a building, fluffy ending!]

Note: In all of these, make sure to read the tags please, in case there are any themes you’re uncomfortable with. I have not yet read most of these, so once more you’re gonna have to look out for yourselves. 🙏

#ask #Anonymous #erasermic #fic recs #nananswers #Jesus christ it is no wonder Ive not seen all this angst #I turn off the Major Character Death warning to exlude them #I am so sad #thank you for all your suggestions tho! Me and I am sure more people appreciate them

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melonsmessymusings · 3 years

Note

I just want to say I ADORE Operation Red Zone. It's a refreshing look at grief and loss that I've not really encountered before and Giles definitely deserved the screen time to explore his grief over Jenny's death in more detail! It led me to wonder how you go about writing something like that and not cry every time you think about it. Did you draw off any real-life experiences or is it all research based? I'm just curious because I'd be a mess if it were me lmao :)

Aww thank you anon <3 It makes me very happy to see stuff like this to the point where I start doing laps of the living room like an excited puppy. I’ve been truly humbled by how it’s been received actually, especially after being mostly inactive in the fandom until last year.

The only tears I’ve shed when thinking about it are purely from a ‘holy shit it’s awful! I’m going to delete that bullshit!’ perspective which I’m quite proud of actually. As to my references... Most of the plot is based off my own soap opera-esque late teens. I have no issues with sharing parts of it because it was a while ago now and I don’t give a fuck, though there are some potentially triggering things so it’ll be beneath the break. Also I don’t like getting to soppy because cringe, so it won’t be too detailed...

As I’ve said many times, Giles’ grief over Jenny’s death was never addressed and it’s infuriating. Especially as he’s one of the most interesting characters and Tony Head (other than being a genuinely lovely bloke) has it well within his skillset to pull something like that off. Jenny’s death in general was all but forgotten and something that doesn’t stand out as a ‘big moment’ in the series, which is unfair because it should be. You can’t just fridge characters because you’re a douche canoe and got bored of them. Hence my need for an AU where people actually DEAL with their emotions and try to start working through them.

Personal Context: To cut a very long, depressing, quite frankly disgustingly graphic story short, my best friend was killed in a drunk driver accident just before Christmas a few years back. It made national news being so nasty, there was a GRAPHIC Facebook post from the person who was there on scene when she died that was EVERYWHERE for months, it was horrific. I was 17, had no idea what the fuck to do and was pretty much left to it because of other stuff falling apart. I was always taught that what’s done is done so there’s no point crying about it. That’s toxic and harmful behaviour, but I ended up doing worse, ‘borderline’ illegal things because who cares about consequences when the worst has already happened? That whole year or so was the first time I’d properly experienced grief.

On my Lockdown 1 Buffy Binge, Passion came about and I found myself really relating to Giles. Obviously different circumstances, but it struck a chord that previous re-watches had failed to. There was a compelling need to use my ‘spicy year from hell’ as a skeleton reference for how the Scoobies would deal with something. Essentially, it came about because I wanted to express what I’d been through, using my favourite characters so that I could give them a happy-ish ending that I didn’t get. Also, I didn’t want to make it completely doom and gloom because there’s only so much you can take and although the situation may be dire, there is always some relief, no matter how small and if you can’t laugh, you’ll cry right? It sounds stupid but it’s the honest truth. It’s not just Giles either. Other characters’ behaviours and responses are based off what I’ve witnessed. Say what you will about trauma but by god is it an education for learning about life and making you wise beyond your years.

Of course, I do google some stuff because I’m British, so cultural differences are a massive thing that I totally underestimated. I’m still baffled by the Schooling system across the pond because like... what? I don’t remember the 90s on account for being too young, so there’s that too. And just general things because I’m dumb as fuck and know nothing about the world so I’m eager to learn. Yeah, I blagged my way through A Levels and into Law School, but do I have a functioning brain cell...? Not at all, as Em can attest.

Dunno if that answers your question but that’s where it comes from. Whack on the depressing playlist, scroll through the ol’ Facebook memories to jazz it up every now and then and we’re off...

#btvs #rupert giles #anon ask #fuck that got depressing #but we move #oh and lets not forget our queen #Jenny Calendar #what an icon

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hjazysol · 5 years

Text

Sanbi: Welp. I must make record of this.

Henshi: You don't need to you know.

Sanbi: Yes...Yes I do.

Henshi: But why?...

Sanbi: Listen! The whole District has gone Quirkless! Lucky for you I thought ahead of time & had our base fitted so that we'd be safe from harmful chemicals that may enter here.

Henshi: Huh...Neat.

Sanbi: I may not be smarter than that clown. But at least I'm always prepared!

Jackson: So how long do we stay here for?

Sanbi: I dunno. Till we're safe I guess.

Daizo, enters with noodles: Sup gang I'm back from jail.

Sanbi: Wait did you walk here? You seem so...Calm.

Daizo: Why wouldn't I be?

Sanbi: ... ...There's a giant freakin! Robot outside!

Daizo: Your right that is kinda impressive! Damn! Good on ya for spotting it. I sure didn't.

Sanbi: Good grief...Your bringing in all those chemicals!

Daizo: Ah well if I get no Quirk neither do you guys. It's only fair.

Sanbi: You dick!

________

Okashi stood waiting at the top of her robot. She sat there contemplating about whether or not Honoka was telling the truth or not. She then has memories of how it was back then.

Akira, sets up a camera: Alright I think I'm ready. Ahem. Greetings. I am Professor Kamijiru. I am a scientist more known for my inventions for Pro Heroes aswell as my intellectual prowess for all sciences. However today I will be presenting to you all something truly extrordinary. I have been in the process of creating the world's greatest hero even surpassing that of All Might himself! With my Quirk, God's Hand, it allows me to dabble with non-living or living things. So I can change anything living or non-living into something else. For example if I were to touch this small tree. I can turn it into a butterfly (Does so) a rock (Does so) or a cat (Does so then pets it) however (reverts it back to a tree) I've never attempted to make humans from anything before. So this'll be new for me.

Okashi: You were always so kind to me father.

Akira: Ok! My first ever creation has been given the DNA of Quenton Birch! A boy with the Quirk to bend reality! I couldn't ask for anyone better than him! God's Hand also allows me to make different blood flow through something that lacks it. All the animals I create appear with no blood. So I often used my own to give them complete life. But this time as this is my first human creation I've infused my blood with. I'm also adding Quenton's aswell. Oh boy I'm so excited!

Okashi: I was the first.

Akira: Test Subject No°1 is a success! As of now I have made 4000 human experiments! Yes I know I should've updated you all sooner but. Better late than never. It just took my first alot of time to wake up is all. Also if you wish to know what she's made from them. This may be embarrassing but she been formed from Cotton Candy/Candy Floss. SHE ISN'T EDIBLE!

She appeared behind Akira making the funniest of faces.

Akira: Hah! I've named her Okashi cause of her silly behaviour. She was made to be 12 years old. Most likely how old the Candy Floss was. It was in a bag don't worry. So it's fresh. I have recently hired the top scientists in Japan. I tried to hire Mikhail Akakarante but his admiration for science only reaches the mere basics of scientific structure such as cells, chemicals. Basically he cares not for the science of human. Let's say. Crafting or Splicing. Which isn't a bad thing not at all! I carry no ill will to Akarakante whatsoever! We all follow our paths of science. I just wish he would step outside the comfort zone every once in a while besides science is all about discovery & expierience new stuff!...Anyway. We'll see how this all turns out.

Okashi: But then. You had complete strangers take control of the operation. You let them tell you what to do.

Akira: So it seems that after I hired all those people well they sure are helpful just... ...Well let's just say there are now 8037 experiments all of which are conscious...I just wish. They hadn't disposed of the 4000 I made. They've took what they want from my creations then disregarded them. Even went as far as to label them as "Defects." Just because they've been "improved " doesn't make them useless.

Okashi: And then came the day you left me. The day I lost all hope. I still don't know what's true and false.

Akira: ...Greetings. I Akira Kamijiru have made an awful mistake...None of this should've happened...NONE OF THIS!...I let it get out of hand!...Mikhail was right about this kind of science...I should've listened... ...I've been found guilty I completely accepted this punishment without hesitation...If anything I'm glad this happened...I disposed of any and all traces of my Hero lab... ...I killed all those I had made... ...If I were brave enough I'd end my own life for the sins I've enacted. But as an honourable man...I must condone the consequences of my actions...The one I rescued...By far the most tortured...Subject No° 8037 Honoka Kamijiru. Clone of Okashi Kamijiru...Sister of Quenton Birch...She is now under the care of my dear friend Kenji Kikotsu...Until I am free from prison I am allowed nowhere near her. So she'll have to remain as emotionless as the darkness that consumes even the most light hearted of people for one whole year...See you in a Year Honoka. I promise I will fix you.

Honoka reached the top of Okashi's robot.

Okashi: (Sighs then wipes away her tears) And now... ...Honoka Kamijiru...This is where you draw your last breath...I'm sorry...

Honoka: Listen. Okashi I've known nothing about you existing for real. The only you I've known is the one from the stories. But even if I didn't know you. I always felt bad for the girl in the story... ... ...I always felt bad for you.

Okashi: ...That doesn't change the fact...That no one! Not even reporters or pros! Came to the old lab!

Okashi swung her hammer directly into Honoka's chest.

Okashi: They all forgot me!

She kicked Honoka in the face.

Okashi: IN PLACE FOR YOU!

Honoka: No. Both me and you we are the same people. We were both hidden away from each other. It wasn't either one of our faults.

Okashi: If you know what's good for ya better can it!... ...I know this isn't your fault... ...But. If I'm gonna be remembered as a villain...THEN THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME TO EVEN CARE ANYMORE!

Okashi swung down Triple C to land on Honoka directly. Honoka caught it then threw it off the robot.

Honoka: You can change.

Okashi: I...I....GRRR! No! You can't change the way I feel!

Okashi unleashed a barrage of punches all directed at Honoka she dodged them all.

Honoka: Yeah! Cause that's your job!

Okashi: ... ... ...THAT'S IT! YOU'VE MADE!... ...You've made... ...You've...Made.... ....

Honoka: ... ... ...

Okashi: I...I can't do this...I can't! I've known from the beginning I can't kill! I wanted to be a hero...Not a villain...Why am I doing this?...If I really wanted you dead I would've made something to freeze you...I... ...I miss Dad... ...I...Miss cake... ...I miss people... ...I missed you... ...And you growing...To think I blamed you for everything that happened to me...Father is just as innocent...He wanted me out of my misery alone in a tube by destroying the lab...How was he supposed to know I'd live?... ... ...I'm a monster.

Okashi fell to her knees with her back facing her sister.

Honoka: Okashi.

Honoka walked up behind Okashi then wrapped her arms around her. Okashi looked behind her with a shocked expression on her face.

Honoka: You are not a monster.

They sat in silence for a while.

Honoka: You are my sister.

Okashi, began breathing heavily. She then relaxed while letting a river of tears pour down her face in a sign of relief.

______

With Q-Boy's blood. Okashi created a serum that would give back all the Quirks to the people she took them from. Everyone was happy to know that Honoka had successfully swayed the mind of Okashi. Okashi even apologised to everyone accordingly. They all accepted this apology seeing as no one was fatally wounded.

Okashi: Ok then everyone your Quirks should all be returning back to you soon so in the meantime I guess you can just-

Marx: YESSSSSS! (Creates a vortex) I'VE GOT THE POWERRRRR!!!!! (Runs off to wreck stuff)

Magolor: ... ...Could you take his away? Permanently please?

Hokori breathes in deep his body began to glow.

Hokori: HEY! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Omega: (Flicks a semi truck through a wall) ... ... ...Noice

King Dedede: I DON'T FEEL LIKE SHIT ANYMORE!

Storo, absolutely stuffed: I bet that feels nice huh.

Tsubaki, changes a bone to a weapon: Exactly how it should be.

Liquid oozed onto it.

Tsubaki: Huh? (Looks up) Oh Sasori! Your hair is oozing liquid again.

Sasori: Huh? Oh yes! I've missed my Quirk so much!

Tsubaki's bag suddenly set on fire.

Tsubaki: AHHH! (Yeets her bag away)

Kikotsu's head rolled out of it.

Kikotsu: ... ... ... ...Where am I?

Sasori: KENJI!!!

Sasori ran over to her husband filled with glee.

______

Miracle Matter: Give me back my stuff you edgy prick!

Dark Nebula: What's the matter rat? Can't handle the fact that you're weak as hell without a Quirk?

Miracle Matter: So help me god I will-

Miracle's Quirk suddenly appeared distorting Dark Nebula's left eye.

Dark Nebula: What the!?

Miracle Matter: Ohohoho! Who's laughing now boi!?

Dark Nebula: Eep!

______

Q-Boy: Beo!

Beowulf: Q-BOY! Never run off with strangers what'd I say!?

Q-Boy: Well I found family!

Beowulf: I guess that's true. I guess I could send you off with them but... ... ...You know I've grown to like your wild side. I'm gonna stay with you till the day I die.

______

Hagakure: Aww. I'm fading away!

Ojiro: It's ok. We care about you no matter how you look.

Hagakure: Thanks Ojiro.

Omega: You see what I mean Hokori!?

Hokori: I do.

Omega: I'd ask them but that'd be ru- ... ... ...Hokori?

Hokori was speaking with Ojiro & Hagakure.

Omega: HORY SHET!!!

Hokori: So are you two-

Omega: (Knocked out Hokori) ... ... ...You two saw nothing.

Midoriya: Did Omega just knock out Hokori?

Iida: Omega what was the need for such a violent action!

Omega: Relax he'll be fine.

Everyone had now had their Quirks handed back to them.

Okashi: So how long am I being locked up for Orcane?

Gang Orca: That's not my name and also you-

Mt. Lady: YOUR SPENDING YOUR WHOLE LIFE IN PRISON!

Gang Orca: No! No! No she's not.

Mt. Lady: Oh oops. Sorry my bad.

Gang Orca: You aren't going to jail at all actually.

Okashi: But I-

Gang Orca: After what your father explained we can understand your original hatred to him and your sister. Sometimes we make mistakes. That's just a part of society really.

Okashi: ... ... ...Thank you sir!

Honoka: Are you good sis?

Okashi: Sure am!

Suddenly a random can was thrown at Honoka's head.

Okashi: Hey what the fu-

Honoka: It's ok Okashi. Don't mind that.

Okashi: But some dick just threw a can at you.

Honoka: I'm sure they didn't mean it.

Random dude: Die monster! People like you are what's wrong with this world.

Honoka: ...See... ...Perfectly fine.

Okashi: ... ...GRR! GET OVER HERE!

Okashi stretched her arm out and pulled the guy towards her then stared them dead in the eye.

Okashi: Now listen here dickwad. I don't know what the hell you think's been goin on these past days but I know for a damn fucking fact you should be thanking that "Monster" for your home not getting demolished. Cause if it weren't for her... ...I! Would've! Killed! You! GOT IT!

Random guy: Y-Yes m-miss.

Okashi, holds C.C.C. to the guys head: Huh!? You're gonna have to speak up you little prick!

Random guy: Y-YES M-MISS!

Okashi: Now that's better. NOW GET LOST YOU PIECE OF TRASH!

Okashi threw the guy far off into the distance in rage.

Okashi: (Sighs) ... ... ...So Yeah! Now that that's dealt with! What're the cakes like nowadays?

Honoka: ...Erm...Oh! Well! There are cakes that stack on top of each other!

Okashi: REALLY!?

Honoka: Aswell as ones that you can put edible flowers on.

Okashi: OHHHH!!!

Honoka: You can even get cakes shaped like your favourite heroes!

Okashi: YES! YES! YES! YES! (Inhales) YEEEEESSS!!! LET'S GO RIGHT NOW!

???: Hold on now missy.

Okashi: Huh?

???: You can't do any of that.

Akira: Without saying hi to you dad after all these years!

Okashi: ... ...This... ...Is this? Real?

Akira: Unless my Quirk allowed me to make holograms that is. No. I'm right here.

Okashi, cries again then runs over to hug her father for the first time in 7 years.

Okashi: I missed you father.

Akira: You to...Okashi.

@hopeaterart

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