#i dont like kust doing nothing
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i wanna draw so much but then I just want to sleep but then I also wanna study for the psychology ATAR I'm going into
#honestly I'm feeling good#i dont like kust doing nothing#but its hard to decide what to do at ehat time#unrelated i might change my blog layour#layout
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This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading
#im just so completely miserable and exhausted and just angry with everything#gic has gone silent. im getting so stressed about the ethics of my top surgery fund because i dont know if its something i should be still#doing how long until they talk to me again if they do will the waitlists even be livable is it ethical is it worth it does anyone even have#the money to spare anyway to help before the endless nhs waitlist#why am i being left in the dark#im terrified that i dont know when my pap smear will be and that i have to go under anesthetic for it because i fucked up my own body by#being a pathetic cowardly idiot who is to stupid to exist like im supposed to so now im worth nothing and i cant navigate dating bc of it#bc it just makes me shut down immediately when i realise its something i do have to disclose because im shitty and broken and worthless#and i dont know whats happening and i dont want the smear anymore and the nhs sent me a terrifying letter saying im not a real person and i#predictabley got to scared to reply to so now i may have fucked up literally everything which is my fault but also why does the ngs not just#have a system that works and isnt briken just because im trans#and i jsut want to die i cant die but im jsut scared and i want to hide forver#i dont know whats happening with my job am i still getting paid will i get the November cost of living backpay will i get my pension refund#i jjst feel lost and pathetic and desperately clawing out for any vague threads of interest for sex and dating even though im as previously#mentioned in these tags not fit for that and should just die forever in box alone and aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj#I just want a hug for the next millennia#instead im kust fighting off thoughts about starving myself as punishment because i dont deserve to eat jm not worth the expense of my own#paycheck to buy food for not that it matters because im sick and getting sicker amyway and of course one of my moles is looking insanely#dodgey and ive had to book a doctor's appointment for it but its so tempting to kust ignofe it surely itd be better if it was cancer and#then j could just die amd people wouldnt blame me for being pathetic or whatever removing myself but sad and tragic for dying from something#scary or whatever the fuck im fully aware thats a fucked up thibg to be thinking im just a bit at amessy ends atm and j dont even have a#hot chubby dude or not dude to pretend is ever going yo be interested in me or whatever and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#dw to anyone reading this in the event someone is i wont remove myself im a huge coward and too lazy to do that#crouch speaks#and its only November! we still got winter to come!!!!! my favourite (sarcastic) time of the year that doesnt absolutely fuck with my head
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magine crying and you wanna tell one of your friends why uou're crying because you want a bit of comfort. But you're afraid of coming in at a bad time like that one time and feeling so guilty about it because they're going through something worse and you cant you CANT talk to anyone because youre afraid everyone else wonfmt get it or wont pay you any attention but you wanan talk to SOMEONE about how youre feeling but you CANT cus even if you were allowed to and didnt have any fear youd still say absolutely nothing.
Oooohhhh i dont wanna b a bother to anyone theyre all going through shit absolute garbage and i know they say it doesnt take energy to care about me i STIL dont wanna bothr them because what if i catch them at a rrally really really bad time or what if i text someome and they dont have an answer and ignore me and the next time they text theyre gunna skip over what i told them and theyre gunna talk.about something else else.
I want a hug hug i want aomeone to tell me its okay but thats way too much to ask from them i dont wanna be a bother i dont wanna be a worry but i kust talked to my therapist today after a month of not being able to chat and we had to do it over phone while my mom was nearby cus we live in the small ass bus and i cant ask her to go outside cus its 11 degrees and i feel like i didnt say enough and now i just really really want a someone but no i dont wanna bother them its late and theres scjool tomorrow and school sucks and i dont want them feeling like they need to cater to my stupid ass.
Im sorry im so so sorry theyre gunna read this sometime and say soemthing really nice but im not gunna read the message for five hours and maybe ill try avoiding it alltogether cus i dont know i dont know why cant you be mean like i expect you to why cant you yell and curse at me like i expect you to why are you so NICE to me.???? Nono i know why but why man. Why in a rhetorical sense. Why in the how do you have the fucking energy for me.
Im sorry. Im done crying. Oh god man its fine i got my favorite stuffed animal and everything
I want a hug can you give me a hug please. I feel so selfish and cruel. Im so scared youre gunna turn on me one day because nobody can be that genuine. Aint nobody in the fucking world who can be this sweet and silly. Im so waiting im so worried i dont ever want that to happen but i feel like it really might even though i know it wont. Why have you never let uour anger out on me even when i deserved it. Im sorry i didnt want to text about this im just hoping this post will stay buried, cus maybe it comforts me knowing it exists and could be discovered by you, but theres the happy chance you never ever see this and i get to not talk about it ever again. My wonderful schrodingers cat is such a comfort to me because then i dont have to worry about an outcome that im positive will happen. I love my maybes.
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god okay i knows its way to early but like im a lil deranged cuz im a lil sleep deprived and need to go back asleep but so i woke up rogbt and had deep blue by arcade fire when i went to sleep obvs and i woke up amd the "i was only a child then" lyric started playing and it kust sorta hit me that oh god barney really was still so fricken young when the rescas happened, like i think 24 25 ypung, like clearly still a grown adult but also its still so young
like he wasnt even half way thru his 20s or only just barely, like i knew this technically but i guess i just never rralized it cuz im so used to barney the character being 40 summin, and its just like god hes spent half his life under combine rule, he wasnt even old enpugh for his braon to fonish developing
and then the rescas happens and he looses everything except the clothes on his back, and like he prob didnt have that much to begin with, eother physical possessions or people like, i think ive always sorta cbaracyerized him as a guy that has a lot of pals amd work friends but he kinda struggles woth anything closer tham that, hes friendly with people but hes also kinda lonely but imstead of trying to make it better its morr comfortable to keep everyone at arms distance (i know i did summin like this for a while),
so his relationship with gordon is important to him becuz its the closest hes evsr felt to anybody in a long time and it arguably makes him a lil bit better at bejng actual friends with people, helps him learn how to be close with people (also something that happened to me, seriously having at least one friend u can be vulnerable with is soooo frickdn important for your mental health, frineds are really really important)
and then everything happenes and everything is taken away, inclusing gordon, that one world transforming close friend (and something almost different) is taken away and he has nothing, and its just fucking devestating
like if i were to loose my 1 (one) verybclose friend whos really the reason i was truly able to recover Things Tm, i wouldnt know what to do, the damage to my psyche wpuld be just so much i dont even want to think about it, so i also tbink its absolutely valid for barney to be caight up on gordon for so long even the tiniest bit, cuz i know i dont think id ever truly be able to recover if i lost My Friend even without the amount of trauma barney goes thru with the rescas and everything else
and like i know that the rescas and the combine is horrible for everyone and the loss and trauma is horrible for everyone, like older people like kleiner and eli who lived most of their lives in the relative peace and saefty loosing all of that, and really ylung people like alyx who never really got to the point where they could have memories of a time before, and its just incalculable the damage to everyone half lifes events would do to people, nobody would have it better than anyone else really, but just, i think about barney and i just wanna cry man
#thanks for coming to my tedtalk at 5 am#starts writing this at like 420 lol#but just maybe becuz i put alot of my actual life experience into barney but just barney has it fucken rough man#like i put alot of myself into gordy too but just in a more impersonal way#i dunno its hard tp describe theyre both me in different ways#but barneys special even tho i like and think about gordon way more#i dunno im tired and am gonma go back to sleep i gotta aake up in like 3 hours lol#iwillspeakincessantly#ponderingradioactivedecay
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hm
#i just woke up#and everything went down when i was asleep the only things i see is the dreamupdate account having some..interesting updates#i really wanna wait out what the response will be but my current stance is always believe the victim until provel otherwise#and manatreeds tweet didnt convinve me from the beginning it was just i didnt do it source dude trust me#so I'll wait for him to respond I really hope they dont brush it off like nothing happened#anyways#exam season starts in 4 days and i think that's a bit more important for me so I'll be a bit ia I'll just play the queue#manatreed situation#<-i heard this is what people tag it as kust a heads up
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still haven’t cried yet but today broke my whole entire heart
#said goodbye 2 five of my davorite ppl in thr WORLD for the nezt 4 months like. how do we cope. how do we fucking COPE#ueah theres facetime and social media and all that but. nothing beats an in person conversation u know? nothing beats being in ur company :(#and it was my last time in the office and on campjs too and like. hm. i am reduced to a 3rd of myself i think. but also it doesnt feel real#ive been very numb today and i know its a protective measure so i wont be in pain bht like. what inconvenient timing... i wuld like to feel#something. and i mean i did feel something which was Quite A Lot Of Sadness but i still dont think its actually hit me that like... thats it#and i really am not gonna see them again for so long. my stomach is in literal knots rn i....... 😔#how do we cope hw do we fucking cope...#also im just like. so tired. more tired than sad j think. that took so much out of me emotionally and yet my emotions havent... caught up#quite yet. but i already feel empty... like a huge part of my head and heart are missing. and i havent eben taken off yet but this is hard.#purrs#like these are my People! the people i Love! how can i Be without them u know? how can i. how can i leave like this when i love tbem so much#agh. its so hard. i hurt so much but i do but i dont but i do but i dont and im empty but full but empty but full. i hurt and i dont hurt.#also i know im coming back so this is kust a see you later but... it really is more permanent than that in a way. cuz its like goodbye to th#me i am and the you you are right now in this moment... and we arent gonna get to see wach other growing and when i get back we’ll all be#different even thi we’re still the same. and well its just a lot!
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gonna vent just ignore this
#vent#personal#dont reblog#god im so done#just with everything#i cant hold a job i dont have another way of getting income#my laptop is slowly breaking down ans thats the only way i can make money#ive been so anxious lately im pretty sure its doung damage to my stomach#i cant sleep at night and i sleep all day#nothings helping#i had to move back in with my parents and i depend on them again so i feel like a failure#theyre so loud i just want tyem to shut up#its all too much and i kust dont know what ro do anymore#i cant even see my therapist because again no money#i have no friends i can visit#its just me ans my family ans theyre too much#my ptsd is actung up and maling it impossible to wnjoy taking my dog for walks#i just want it all to stop you know?#i wish i was fone and normal so that i dodnt have to feel like this#but here we are again and no one cares#and my trauma makes it impossible to let anyone close or tell them whats up#so im always alone#ill be fine#ive felt like this my whole life so its not new#i just wish things were different
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i’m exhausted
#my entire body hurts cause ive been sleeping rlly bad like everything hurts#dont read this because this ended up being me venting#my back hurts my arms.... and i got my cartilage pierced and it hurts so bad i didnt think it would :( and my head hurts and i woke up at 9#even tho i couldnt sleep last night and i feel terribke aidjwj one of the ladys at macys wanted to try a foundation on me n i was like ahah#no#and then she was like how old r u is that ur mom JWJDJW and i was like im 18..... and she was like wow u look like ur 14 and j wanna die not#because i look young but because they took all of my makeup off and it was a demon so all of the workers were there like 5 people were just#staring at me and they kept saying wow the foundation is nice and i couldnt even see it and i felt so ugly widjw because they just took all#of my makeup like pls u guys just forced me here .... and then thry had to take a picture of me ..... n i was like.... i just follower and#the girl sent it to me and i hate she was so pretty i am so ugly im looking at the pic n i wanna cry i cant believe i go around looking this#hideous no wonder no one likes me n i dont blame them j wouldnt like me either!!!#my friend is so pretty she looked rlly pretty today i widh i was as skinny as her.......#i am :(#im tored of being so uhly but theres nothing i can do abt it because its my facial features widjw i hav a huge nose from any direction#my eyes r uneven and pretty much everything is like lopsided... i hav a huge face :( n makes me look like a baby n i wanna die! and while#getting my ears pierced the lady was telling me the earing i chose wouldnt look good wjjdw because my ears r like... not even eiether wkdjwj#like they look rlly different and i had never noticed this n i was likehaha ur right ill kust hoose another one#n she was like no i mean im just telling u u csn stick w the flowers n i was like ahha no.... ill get another one n ya im crying now :(((((#everything abt me is so wrong and ugly and im tired i wish i had a different face a different body i wish i ddint hav a ohysical appearance#how am j gonna survive this semester espacially after knowing i g***** *****....... i will look in the mirror once n decide not to go to#class like its that bad i remember one time my driend asked me why i didnt come and i told her cause i looked ugly that day n she was like#lmao no one cares i come looking bummy everyday but i cant... i hav to do my makeuo look nice hav nice clean hair feel nice or ekse i cant#leave my dorm .... :((
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finally, another year for new chances i really want to do something great for myself 2020 could be it but then a lot had happened and the local government is not doing any substantial plans to ease and eradicate this virus. Im not here to blame the government but they share half of what everyone struggled over for.
I was one of the lucky ones, still employed living under the roof i can say complete and healthy family up to the extended family members no one I knew personally died hopefully theres none at all. struggling to pay bills and other monetary responsibilities for quite sometime, struggled with the new normal requirements, but we get by i get by until we were caught up in this day. the way i see it theres no nothing yet no light were nowhere near at the end of this tunnel but im hopeful, i need to be hopeful somehow.
this year has bestes my mental capacity it was whack i was so angry i was so angry that i clench my teeth so hard it would fall out, bang every gate bigger than me, literally i couldnt sleep at night because the amount of anxiety and pressure is so tremendous, im drowning in it. i almost admitted myself to seek professional help but didnt managed to push thru but i wish i could i really want to know.
in solidarity, i realized i was running away with my issues, i never once got in contact with my monsters so i go out and try to avoid them until its okay again to go in. i really anchored my mindset with doing various activities that involves myself being outside so i get to live another happy day but i was stuck inside so here i am bombarded with a lot of nasty monsters i tries to kept hidden.
i also got into watching boys love series, gained new perspective on how i view and think things through, i think i got more empathetic and understanding, as much as i hate it i was resilient, will power is still intact even when i thought im losing myself.
but i was blessed with people who loves me cares for me, it was not hard but i did pull thru sometimes i track my mood record to see how i got mad and what triggers it right now i forgot when was the last time i had a major breakdown. im anticipating when will that manifest again i have this mentality that if i keep keeping feelings especially of anger bottled up it will explode on my face and just be as destructive as a volcano.
when i started seeing my friends outside, i knew that im going to be okay somehow l. extroverts like me felt like it was a prison not being to go out normally i was really deviant and not welcoming on that part of this entire quarantine it felt like a major part of my personality was kust going out, being outside socializing, errands, with friends etc.
i never wouldve made out this year alive without the love of my life. definitely the best part of this year if i must say. for this shitty ass year its not so bad after all. thank you for everything im grateful i get to spend this year with you.
i really dont want to wish for things but for this #OustDuterte
HAPPY NEW YEAR 🎉✨
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What's your opinion on some of the more popular ships in the fandom? Yes, this includes rave
Putting under a readmore since I ramble im so sorry
Stickvin: AH A CLASSIC! I think it’s good! They’re just bros and I think they’re a very nice pairing, I’ve started to draw less of it but I think it’s a lovely pairing nonetheless. It’s that ship in the fanbase tho, where it tends to get a lot of young fans who tend to be really insistent on stickvin content or being rlly weird, like fucking. fujos. unfortunately. but i shouldn’t let that taint the ship for me, its very lovely and acted as a comfort ship back when I first joined, its not in my brain as much but. iTS JUST GOOD!!
Rosemin: Does this count? I think so? if not IT SHOULD!!! Rosemin has recently started rotting my brain and I feel like it deserves more recognition. They are a power couple! Toppat King and Right hand lady Ellie?? WTF THEIR POWER!! The inherent romance of being a right-hand!! TT/TR/PP/CG? Absolute power duo!!! And in TCW? I think people should start thinking abt Enemies/Rivals to Lovers TCW Rosemin!! Like think about it!! They never had the chance to talk it out, and maybe they realize their argument is doing more harm then good, they slowly come to realize that theyre not so different after all and grow to forgive, or something I JSUT! I CAMT THINK BUT THESE TWO ARE SO FUCKING BISEXUAL AND I THINK THEY SHOULD KISS AND I WANNA MAKE MORE ROSEMIN CONTENT!!!!!!!
Polythreat: VERY VERY GOOD!! Whether its a perfect triangle (everyone dates eachother) or just henry dating the two or some other combo, I love this ship; its just a really wholesome ot3 and their dynamic in game shows just a lovely ship 💕💕🥺
Copperright: I WISH I HAD BRAINROT FOR THIS SHIP. Like it’s so lovely!!! I want brainrot too!!! The potential, the IN CANON EVERYTHING ITS!! SO GOOD!! THEY ARE SO FUCKING MARRIED THEY ARE MARRIED AND IN LOVE AND WVERYONE MAKES SUCH GREAT CONTENT OF THESE TWO!! I do get a little fickle at times with reg being presented as helpless without rhm, but other than that? great ship I WANT TO DRAW FOR IT BUT HRRGRGRG NO BRAINROT!!!!!
Curtisson: A CUTE PAIRING! They talk once but its okay and thats a lot mmore than pther ships i have. I love the inherent dynamic of Talks in Essays x Tired and doing his job, i just, theyre a funny duo, i dont have much strong feelinsg about the pairing its so fucking wonderful and Like. Its just so good.
Dr. Rose: WAMEN.!!! I THINK THIS COUNTS! I’m unfamiliar with other social media but i think its popular and im so happy about that. people who love women have it sO HARD IN THIS FANDOM!! WHERE ARE THE WOMEN!!! but yeah these two? I adore them so fucking much. They can be such a power duo and I think there is so so so much potential, especially since both ellie and dr v have so much unknown about them, i just. I feel like theyre such an interesting dynamic to explore, especially with the multitude of different dr v variations. ik for my ask blog i wanted to build up this pairing, but idk if ik going to keep my askblog, but i just, i cant express the emotions and thoughts they give, they are kust a loving duo, who are so powerful, the brains and brawn and both r beauty. i just UGH!!! I HAVE THOUGHTS BUT NO WORDS!! so yeah anyways one of the best ships in this fandom I LOVE WOMEN.
Panprice: OH A VERY GOOD DUO. Dave and Rupert is such a good ship and like. I really love their whole dynamic with rupert getting the good card and dave getting the bad card, like any opposite dynamic like that is rlly cool. and i thunkthey should reunite and rupert should be there for dave, bc hes rlly been througj it.. and i just. they are good dynamic!! ex-coworkers to lovers babey!!!
galetrov: I CANT FORM A COHERENT THOUGHT OTHER THAN GO GRANDPAS!! its a VERY GOOD SHIP WITH LOTS OF POTENTIAL AND STORY AND MMMMM GO GRANDPAS
Rave: Oh rave. I have a lotta feelings and emotions on this ship but man I DONT KNOW HOW IFEEL ABT IT NOT BEING A RAREPAIR ANYMORE,,? Like i dont know other social medias so I don’t know how popular it is in its entirety buT I AM GLAD TO BE ONE OF THE PEOPLE TO BE CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP BC MAN... I think about it so much. Like Rave is a comfort ship of mine unfortunately, I’ve latched onto to Randy and Terrence and I’ve created these two characters from nothing (they’re basically ocs) and then gave them a wholeass story?? man i just. the foundation is these two awful leaders being in love and rainbow x greyscale, which I think is an epic starting dynamic. Like I feel like. I could go for literal hours about things, but the thing with Rave is because Randy and Terrence have so little information, there’s so much that can be done, and in my case, I think these two just tried their best, wasn’t good enough, and eventually settled down, being Henry’s fathers. bc i believe in NICE TERRENCE PROPAGANDA
so yah. im sorry i ramble
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Um hello! May I request some vampire josuke headcanons! Like how does their SO handle it, does he hide it or show it, and maybe some struggles he has as one? Im sorry if this is too wordy! And thank you for reading!
request: Um hello! May I request some vampire josuke headcanons! Like how does their SO handle it, does he hide it or show it, and maybe some struggles he has as one? Im sorry if this is too wordy! And thank you for reading!
pairing: vampire!josuke x reader
summary: uh just josuke being a vampire hc’s
warning(s): vampire stuff? i dont know-
a/n: Vampires/Fantasy arent my strong suit, so sorry if i do your request dirty ASDLFKJGW there was an attempt chile-
┊ ༑ ࿐ྂ。
—josuke higashikata
josuke sucked at hiding this type of stuff
you knew something was up from the jump
out of nowhere Josuke stopped going outside, something that was a part of day to day life for him and you
with that he started prowling at night, another thing uncommon with him
dates were at home, watching movies with a bowl of popcorn being shared between the both of you
even his sleep schedule drastically changed, staying up 25/8 everyday, lacking any signs of fatigue and need for rest
also unusual for Josuke, who cherished beauty sleep like nothing else
his appearance changed too, his sunkissed skin becoming pale with grey undertones lingering underneath
not even mentioning his canine teeth growing unnaturally longer and more pointy, something he avoided showing by not smiling as much as he used too
also weird?
you also noted his staring when you two were facing eachother, his face longing look of hunger as he clenched his jaw
uhm? Also weird... VERY weird...
you’re not dumb
so you put two and two together
oh... hes a vampire.
thinking deeply about it kinda confuses you
but this was all coming from curiosity
you dont really question him about it upfront though
josuke would tell you about something he was pushing away multiple times when he got comfortable with letting you know
it was just the waiting game until he wanted to tell you
inevitably he ends up just blurting it out to you because he felt bad for acting so weird
“... okay”
“w-what do you mean “okay”?”
“i already knew, jojo. Youre not the best at hiding things”
he just starts stammering, caught on suprise, a little of offense from your claim of him not being able to hide things well, and guilt
kust kiss him or something SHUT THIS MAN UP
and tell him you love him no matter what pls he needs the reassurance sometimes
if you wanna become a vampire gf he wouldnt have any complaints
just a little unsure about it
he doesn’t wanna feel like hes pushing you into it or anything
just tell him to stop overthinking it
he’s happy with you, vampire gf or not
a little sad about you not wanting to be a vampire because he wants to live forever with you though :( poor steak hair bby
#jojos bizarre adventure#jojo no kimyou na bouken#jjba x reader#jojos bizarre adventure diamond is unbreakable#josuke#josuke x reader#josuke higashikata
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funny thing about having this tumblr is she will probably never seen any of this i dont think anyone will that i know atleast so itll reallt help me get things out like i want without having to worry somedays things get so hard and it just doesnt matter but it does its hard talking bc it can be so anoying for no reason i miss her can’t believe what she did but who am i to say anything she deserves to experience life j mean what did i expect that she would kust keep her promises keep loving me ans only me? idk i hate it but i just cant what she did was horrible broke everything but can i blame her its all she had i knew ahed break as soon as someone gave her the attention or feel i couldnt as soon as someone offered shed take it and that i didnt mean anything really i was just someone who gave her everything i could and the attention she so desperately wanted and now im the one who got hurt again is it so much to ask to have one good thing can’t believe it im broke stuoud job running out of life in reality just dont know how to live my life right now guess i should kust go back to idk meshing days together and having no sense ans shutting things off again opened up so much just to end up closing it off again and for what bc a girl 1000 miles away kisses another dude she was my i guess wasnt mine she was whoever could give her that physical attention she wanted feel like she was never just mine everything special just an illusion i made to make myself feel happy in my life look at me now 18 no college job nothing just writing a stuoud blog post on a ahitty app for no one to see listing to sad songs like an idiot lmao jn so tired who knew the key to insomnia waa to get your soul broke to the point where all you wanna do is sleep to end the sday what a shithole of a world or lufe or decisions idk
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Oof watch out for the tags
#nonpbonononono this is NOT happening tight now#nope nope nope not a thing this isnt real its just a dream#i am NOT having some sort of anxiety attaxk at 1am#this is NOT a thibg#nope not happening#it feels like a bad dream#nothing seems real whats going on#i dont understand it xant be real#i cant keep living between bouts of amxiegy and depression#it feels like it physically hurts#and im not even supposed to research which was the only yhibg distracting me#i mean i know why my therapist doesnt want me to vut it was the only thing that could kind of help#i dont care any more it hurts too much i cant keep doing yhis#i hate this i hatw this so much i wish everything could kust be normal#i wish i could not be fucked up and i could fix everything dor you and it would all be okay#im just so tired i dont want to keep doing this life thing thats so highly overrated#granted i guess im stuck doing yhis life thibg but that foesnt mean i like it#i mean theres oblt one person who actually talks to me and i cant even seem to help them#and my grades are going very much downhill#and all i do is like in bed crying and i just HATE it so much#but im fone ill be fine like normal ive survived since 7th grade so ill survive through high school for you#vent//#dont rb#ab and stella im fine
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dont rb, dont rply
nightlly episode of me bursting into tears because nothing ever goes right and im so fcking sick and tired of how god damn hopeless everything feels and how trying is just so. fucking draining and th. gggod,asdkoosplosioff. i dont kno i just. why do i have to fuck EVERYTHING up man. why cant kust ONE thing . go fucking OKAY!!! just o n e thing why do i have to just be so incompetent and useless and why does it al sdpfloksdiofds. im sorry i kknow. i know i keep doing th. its just th.
its so... inescapable i cant. everything it just all. i swear i try but i do nt... it just never matters in the e nd and im ust msierable and a failure and alone aand im tiring everyone and i think eveyroens just. laughing at me all the time or just frustr ated because its like. GOD eggs there u go!!!! fucking UP AGAIN. like its not even funny. im not even a Joke any more lmao!!!! its just so bori g when i screw up time and time again and just cant do anyhting irght and you know. when people are talking to you and you just . feel so fucking tiny bc u can Feel how they like. think theyre so much better than u and u sut get. fosdfjio msierbale because its true ut it hruts dso much and i wish i was stronger aboutit bt thsi happens a million times over and im still just. breaking down and im so tied and exhausted and i cant even TRY any more becase. i cant stay awke or stay focused for long enoughf to o anyhting but fucking breakdown and im jsut a fucking sorry and miserable excuse and i wish i was dead!!! you know!! i really just WISH i was dea dajsiofjsdp;
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story time
i know no one will actually read this but only few so im just gonna throw it for whoever wants to hear that story
befor yestday like 4th August
my mom woke me to go with her to the mall and my my u can say i enjoed my day in my way
there was me my mom my bros my sis my aunt and lastly my cousin she's kinda an adult lesbian gal i respect in my way
SO
since we got into the mall my mom and my aunt and cousin went to buy some fancy clothes cuz female stuff ya know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
so my bros sis and i NYOOMED to the candy places so we can be more hyped for vid games and those stuff
my FAT BRO BOUGHT A BLUE TOUNGE AND IM HERE BOUGHT A PINK ONE I WAS SO SAD:( (cuz its blueberry my fuckibg fav )
we went to my mom for some money like
OUR SWEET GODFUL MOTHER 💜💓💖💓💘💛💝💚💚💙 PLEASE WE WILL DO ANYTHING :3
and she said here have some money now shoo away
my siblings and i made a race like daUH CHILDREN XDXD
til we r there and oh boy oh my i stole the card thingy and RAN AWAY
til my bro and i found a cool game that can make us milkshake ya kno xdxd
and seriously he was praying so fucking h a r d and im here weeeing cuz thats what a stupid gay shit does
and we played more games with others til we r out
and my bro just came to me yelling
YOOO THERES SOME VR SHITS RIGHT THERE FAM >:0000
i followed him with others and he was no lying for real
but seriously we were out :(((
so we called our precious momma for ya know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
and then we find her and she give us some and GOES BACK TO THAT COOL RAD ASS ROOM
there r like three shits one vr thingy with some kind floating broad
and one with gun
and lastly there was a cinema one were u can wear a glasses and see like 3d shits
my fat bro started with the gun one and I OF COURSE RAN TO THE BROAD ONE i was really enjoying it
the first ride was meh
but THE SECOND ONE OH BOY OH MY WAS A REALLY NICE TRIP
when my bro tying to play the gun one i was feeling more hunger about those shits so i told my fat bro to join me cuz i dont wanna have fun alone thats selfish >:(((
so there was something called toy ride and thats what were we in ya can watch it from here its really amazing no lies
and then my bro cAME TO ME BEGGING TO DO IT WITH HIM CUZ HE WASNT WITH US so my fat bro went to eat some McDonalds stuff and i was in the cinema thingy with my bro and we both choosed a spooky one like YEAH WE R OLD ENOUGH TO WATCH SOME CREEPY STUFF WHO SAID WE R YOUNG FOR THIS ?? b((
and seriously tHE BEST PART IS WHEN THE CHAIRS R MOVING LIKE WOHA IT WAS AMAZING aND THERE WAS SOME COLD AIR COMES INFRONT OF US AND DROPS OF WATER LIKE IT MAKES US TO BE IN THAT SHORT MOVIE THINGY
and the bEST PART FOR NOW IS THERES LIKE SOMETHING LIKE STICK THAT POPS ON UR FOOT LIKE WOW 9/10 cuz the air wasnt so cold enough>:((((
when we r done we realized that our smol sis didnt come with us cuz 5 yrs xdxd so my bros and i knew that our mom wont let us play the thrid time nO MATTER HOW U BEG OR CRY NO MEANS NO :(((((((((
we called our mha so we can stay with her since we r out like ya know doing nothing so we went to many stores and i found one THAT SALES THEIR CLOTHES WITH $69
$69 YO NO JOKES
i was crying in laughing way so bad and said those people r amazing with those prizes
when my mom bought many clothes i was holding all bags cuz yeah i dont have shit to do til i found a TROLLEY IN THE CORNER I YELLED TO MY FAML
WAIT FOR A DAM SEC I WILL BE HERE
i took that trolley and i put those bags with my sis
AND Y'ALL DONT FUCKING KNOW THAT I'MMA PRO AT DRIVING WITH TROLLEY NO JOKES
IT WAS FUN NO LIES
Til a security guard came to me saying
i was laughing inside so bad til my aunt came and complain that im not the only kid who plays with trolleys and let teens have their rights to have fun befor they got old for this ya know
i love her she's nice
before we go back home we bought some McDonalds stuff and i was vERY HAPPY u have no idea
and then i saw my other cousin with her kids telling me to take care of em i was like look I KNOW IM NOT THAT RUDE AND IM NICE WITH EVERYONE SO I CANT SAY NO TO UR DAM REQUEST:((
so when r almost i was with the trolley kust bored ya know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ DRIVING AND STUFF and seriously many people compliments my skills like wHOA THERE DOOD U R SO COOL AT DOING THIS MAY I JOIN UR RIDE??? like in joke of course
i waS FAMOUS THERE
til i realized that im lost with my sis
my mom knows i can find her so fast without even worrying or shit like yeah he can come to at any min dont worry he used with that shit
so my people were about to leave the mall AND I WAS RUNNING LIKE SERIOUSLY RUNNING SO FAST WITH THE TROLLEY INSIDE OF IT A SMOL GIRL AND SOME BAGS LIKE REALLY FAST CUZ THAT TAXE WILL LEAVE YA KNOW
i was in the 2nd floor and they r at 1st floor like dang it man i cant be fast
so i ran to the elevator and saw a spanish woman with another trolley i bet she had fun
we both had smol cool fun conversation like her english was pretty good ya know
buT SPANISH dAMN MAN
so when the elevator came there was people on it and i ask with no shy is ur station here??? with very hurry voice ya know
one of em said the 2nd floor ?? <:0
and i yell FUCK YEAH IT IS NOW CAN U PLEASE GO MY FAML IS WAITING >:((((( in nice hurry way of course
the spanish woman liked me and then whrn those people went the elevator was so clean like 0 people out there
the spainsh ma'am came with me to the 1st floor i was surprised tbh and she was a good friend no lies sO I WAS RUNNING TO THE FIRST DOOR AND MY MY what i have just seen my aunt and lesbian cousin CHEERING IN YELLING WAY WHERE THE FUCK ARE U??? in their nice worried way
i told em long story my bad :(
and my aunt just said
god dam it jab now I LEFT THE TAXE FOR U U WILL PAY THIS FOR ME jk just dont this again okay????
like yeah she's an amazing aunt
i thought my mom went back home bUT NOPE she is still there worried
OH THANK GOOD GOD I THOUGHT SOMEONE KIDNAPPED U WHERE WERE U THIS ALL TIME???
and i said the same answer with my aunt
and my lesbian cousin just ordered an uber and she said she will go with her sis and kids back to their apartments and my aunt agree like yeah they r lucky:(
so i jumped on the car just looking at the cars cuz i left my phone on my bag and my bag in the home :( so fuck off sey i couldn't say shit to u when i was there
and while i was looking a big surprise on my eyes
THERE WAS MANY FUCKING BLUE CARS
YOU KNOW?? BLUE FUCKING CARS
GOD DAM IT SEY FOR SURE
i was in gay dam mood cuz sey and her idea of mks army u piece of shit ilysm kiddo
so guess wha
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#purrs#why cant i ever.... Stay. why cant i be one Whole person why do i have to split myself up and shrink back and not give 100% of myself to#Any One Thing. why am i so absent and reclusive and incapable of Staying™️ and Being Present™️#i would so much rather be very good at one thing than mediocre at many things but theres nothing i can do. and people arent meant to split#tjemselves up like that the way i did i guess like all of my modes of creative expression are so separate and im just now Overwhelmed w the#tragedy of it and how like its practically irreversible and i cant ever achieve that unity bc ive kept stuff separate for so long#its not healthy 2 spread myself so thin i dont think. like i feel like im always hiding some part of myself no matter which mode i switch#into and i can never be 100% authentically Me even when im by myself. bc i am too many things all @ once and thats not enough for me to taje#my attention span is so frail???? i ghost and lurk and never reply to shit and i get so overwhelmed and its my fucking fault bc thats#how ive decided to ofganize my life and it doesnt even work or mean anything and im just overwhelmed w guilt and shame#because i have to hide my poetry from some people and hide my art / memes or whatever from others and ive gotten so used to hiding but i#dont have enough energy or time to merge evrrything the way i want it. its too late in my life for that#idk what im saying At All and im sorry for being vague and confusing but im a fucking terrible friend and a worse Creator Of Words And Art#and i should be ashamed of myself and i fuckign Am. i really truly am im a disgrace!!!!! why does anybody put up w me or support my content!#i dont even make anything Good like i just can nebver give anything my all or be constantly present and i just gmsnfntmnsjrktkdjfkfkd#this is long and pointless and im fuckign awful im sorry#i feel abd for posting this but ive been feelig disatisfied w my Creative Expression And Its Affect On My Pressnce all day and now i have 2#spend all day tmrrw doing school shit bc i procrastinated an di kust gmdbjfjdbrskfjsjfjbsjsjfjf Fùck!#why do i get so uncomfortable and shit and shrink back from eberything Why Why Why wjat is wrong with me!! why am i still putting up walls!!#why am i always like a fraction of a person!!!! instinctively!!!!!!! like All The Fucking Time!!!!! oh my GHHHJooofjfndbdnsm
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