If I don’t survive the night,

If I make it to the morning-

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

Angel - Paige bueckers

part 3

• summary {when an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star}

• warnings {drug use, angst}

• comment if you would like to be added to the taglist

bella’s pov

“ok you can go now” she says, emotionless

“oh”

“i mean, no offence but i have a girl coming soon, so you cant be here” she says laying on her back, breaking our eye contact

i don’t respond and put my clothes back on. this is fucked

“have a nice night”

i haven’t cried this much in months, walking through the halls, ugly crying.

‘paige’ has been blocked by ‘bella’

“bella whats wrong” avery says, empathetically

“i hate her, i hate her so much” i cry, barley being able to choke the words out

i look at avery after my response and i have never seen her that angry, there could fully be steam coming from her ears.

“please dont talk to her, please dont hurt her, please avery, please” i cry out, begging the infuriated girl

“why not bella, she deserves it” she yells

my tears dont stop and i feel like they will never stop pouring.

“tell me what she did”

i begin the tell her the events of tonight and her anger only grows.

“that fucking bitch” is all she can say in response

“but i blocked her, and im literally never gonna speak to her again” i say, trying to make a positive point, to counteract this negative situation

“you are never gonna speak to her again”

“im gonna go off to bed”

i feel broken, i got used. i wanted my first time with a girl to be meaningful, i know i like girls and i wanted to prove to myself that having sex with girls wasn’t wrong, but i feel wrong, i feel gross. i cant believe i would let myself be that vulnerable with someone i barley know. ive never been the one to have one night stands and ive only ever had sex with someone ive been in a relationship with.

i take my valium, something i swore to never use again after getting addicted, but its the only thing that works.

“hey, how are you feeling” avery ask’s, genuinely. i’ve never seen her be this gentle before

“wheres my weed”

“bella no”

“shut up avery”

i walk to the kitchen and unlock one of the drawers, and i see the stash. thank god

i know i shouldn’t smoke as a coping mechanism, but its the only thing that works, every time something bad happens to me, i turn to smoking

after going through 3 joints, im barley able to talk or stand up. perfect

knock

ugh

knock

fuck off

knock

“who is it” i say, it barley even sounded like words

“its azzi, is avery here”

who the fuck is azzi

“avery theres a bitch here for you” i say taking another drag

“oh my god! hey azzi” avery says, excitedly, why the fuck is she acting like that

“why are you so fucking happy” i ask, knowing full well how rude i sound

“this is azzi, shes in my psychology class and we have gotten pretty close” avery says, grabbing azzi and sitting next to me on the couch

“yo dont sit on my shit” i say, mad

“your bella right?” azzi says, happily. i hate happy people

“yeah”

“yeah avery’s told me alot about you” she says

“cool” i reply, dryly

“azzis on the basketball team” avery says, my eyes widen

“of course she is” i say, sarcastically. i hate basketball

“yeah, have you been to any games” she questioned, attempting to continue this boring conversation

“nah, i dont watch basketball”

“oh well you should sometime, avery keeps saying how she wants to go to a game” azzi says, looking at avery who begins giggling. sus

“bella your probably friends with some people on the team” avery says

“you wanna hit” i offer to azzi

“nah, i dont smoke”

“boring” i say, bluntly

“do you guys mind if some of my friends come over” azzi says

“no, no, thats perfectly fine” avery says, looking at azzi. basically eye fucking her

“who” i ask

“ice, kk, aubrey, nika and ashlee” she lists

fuck my life. im to high to care

“yeah whatever” i say, lazily

“ok perfect, ill tell them to come” azzi says, excitedly

“are you sure” avery whispers to me, being nice. for once

“i dont give a fuck, its fine” i say taking a drag

im so high. god damn

10 minutes later all of azzis friends turn up, why are they all so tall. what the fuck

avery introduces herself to them and points them to our couch

“hey im kk, your bella right” kk asks

“yeah im bella”

“hey im ice”

“hey im nika”

“hey im ashlee”

“hey im aubrey”

to many people to remember

until

“oh paige came to, i hope you dont mind” azzi says to us, mostly avery

avery says nothing, myself included

“hi paige” avery says, extremely cold

“come sit guys” azzi says, breaking the silence. i wish i wasn’t so high cause i wanna go to my room

everyone sits on the couch, paige sitting the furthest away from me. funny. not funny. not laughing

conversation begins and everyone is involved. everyone but me, ugh i’m so uncomfortable

paige keeps looking at me, and yes i’m noticing because i’m looking at her to.

paige’s pov

fuck. why do i keep looking at her.

she blocked me last night so obviously shes mad about my actions last night, its just a hookup, nothing more.

its not that deep

“i’m going to bed” bella says, slurring and barely able to stand up. i didn’t know she smoked that much, i guess i don’t know anything about her. but i don’t care.

“paige are you ready to go” kk and ice say to me

“yeah, aubrey, nika, azzi, u ready to go”

“yeah lets go”

“actually im gonna stay” azzi says. sus

“buy guys” is said in unison

azzis pov

“ugh finally” avery says, while smashing her lips onto mine

A/N: im being active rn lolll. how do we like avery and azzi

Mental Health, Guilt And The Art "Community" TW: Unaliving Thoughts

Maybe people understand that feeling: Your mental health is at a steady decline and you´re unable to seek professional help so you need to cope with it yourself. But there is always that sneaking feeling that you dont deserve to feel suicidal or depressed. You have a home and your family isnt always bad to you. So how dare you feel bad if people have it worse than you? I feel like that a lot actually. But sometimes it helps to vent out what all happened to you and you realize that maybe your life was messed up after all. But under the surface. Still that guilt remains, maybe Im blowing it out proportion. Maybe Im faking it.

But I never before felt guilty for not harming myself.

But that changed recently. I was part of the LazyEule fandom and a member of her server. Her server is a poorly moderated mess she doesnt interact with. There is one kid mod who is abusing their powers, banning people who disagree with them and letting their friends do whatever they want. And thats where my mess comes in. That server is the perfect MicroCosm of the art community in general. You have lying, backstabbing and in-groups. Favortism and feuds. And naturally it got worse when the 12 year olds happened. (Okay that is just a joke but we all know that one fandom ruined by children.) Now I wont give much context. Its private and a lot to handle but I will summarize things a little: Alcoholic Father, aggressive brother, misfortunes and emotional neglect and abuse. I suffer from an eating disorder and fondness for painkillers. I also lost my last job thanks to our family name being so tainted they harrassed me out of the office, sending me into an inescapable limbo. With other adding to it, but this is the constant pressure I deal with. So sometimes when it gets too much I spiral into selfdestructive behaviour. Like picking fights to give me a reason to hate myself. That day I noticed that behaviour and left the main chat to enter the vent chat. Picking a harmless topic to vent out some steam without being too much. Some random child came in and just bragged to me how great their life was so I told them "Leave me alone then" and it appears that girl was massibly popular or friends with the mod because the dead as hell vent channel was suddenly swarmed by 3 other people. With two of them heavily dogpiling me and the third trying but failing to mediate. And so what I planned to be a harmless rant about my art became me fishing for reasons to hurt myself. I wasnt a saint, but I also was spiraling into an episode. I was vulgar, hostile and bitterly awful. So Im not even complaining I was banned. But I cant get over what lead up to me leaving. (Yes I left willingly) A friend suddenly became obsessed with me "being the adult" as if that means I cant go into a mental breakdown. She could tell I was distressed and when it all got to much I openly stated that I wanted to die. And expressed suicidal intentions. And for some reason my "friend" leaked a private story I shared in DMs with her to the whole server. Because I encountered a prankster once who openly admitted to faking suicidal messages. So not only did she share this story without my concent but she called me an attention seeker and suicide baiter. To win an argument with me. In a panic I left the server. Went to cry ugly adult tears in the bathtub and planned to harm myself, but my family came home and they needed me to do something so that intense mindset passed and it´s like you come to your senses. I talked to my friends and got myself together. Learning the same people who did this to me now banned someone over a naughty meme. The art community and its "quirky" children love to boast about mental health and awareness and taking things serious. But in reality they will simply weaponize it against you. The art community is a joke. Being an artist was a mistake and I will always regret wasting so much time on such a vile toxic hobby. I wish I had harmed myself, just so I wouldnt feel like a faker and suicide baiter.

im so anxious about seeing people i knew from hs tomorrow bc they remember me as the "sunshine" person i played my whole senior year as i (actually didnt) coped with the death of my sister and im so. subdued now i dont know urgh

okay ysee i have ocd so i have repetitive intrusive thoughts that i obsess over and use compulsions to feel better about and the current obsessions are ad follows:

- what if im so bitter and mean and unreactive that they hate me for it?

- what if i start crying out of nowhere?

- what if i ruin the whole night for ny bro and his fiancee with my insipid need to play whatever role ive slipped into for the night?

- what if im miserable the whole time?

- what if i end up drinking my body weight and start embarrassing myself? (in a not fun way but in a "partys gotta end were all concerned" way, unfortunately probably preceded by my far-too-drunk state that leads me to spilling some incredibly suicidal and miserable thoughts about nyself)

- what if i stumble into someone that tells me i did something awful?

- what if i go to find a comfortable, safe space alone and end up with someone i never wanted to see again? or who doesnt seem to realize the person i was my senior year was nothing more than i puppet i played while the remaining parts of me that mimicked my sister slowly died?

im SO cONCERNED the worst part is i usually can hold myself back from worrying about what others think of me but for some dumb fucking reason im SO CONCERNED im TERRIFIED what IF?? what if im remembered as the hosts older sister who had a meltdown and ended the party for everyone early? what if instead of being someone most of these people grew up, im remembered as a trainwreck who needs to be on suicide watch?? I I DONT WANT THAT i just want to look normal and pretty and leave when i no longer feel either of those things

another big fear for this upcoming night is the fact that i feel very ashamed about my life in comparison to all these fucking people younger than me. i only recently was able to manage to get myself into college again after wasting 50k going to ny for musical theatre only to find out i have no talent, im fucking ugly, and i have no passion for it since alex has died. i cant even DRIVE I CANT DRIVE what the FUCK thats PATHETIC!!!!! I dont even have a JOB RIGHT NOW what am i going to TALK ABOUT

ururgrhrhrhfrhdhsh someone bury me deep in the ground and tell my bro im rainchecking to rot instead im so nervous i want a hug

JUST ONCE I want to have a giant BREAKDOWN I want it I feel selfish for wanting it but I do, I cant handle all of this slow working through stuff it doesnt work for me, small bouts of anger dont work for me because all of the previous stuff just has more time to build up. Just once I want to scream and cry and shout and yell about how much I hate myself and my situation and the world and I want to break the mirror and see it crumble away and I wont care if my hands are bleeding for once, I want to spill paint on eveyrthing and make everything ugly, i want to scribble out all mention of my name and destroy all photos of me. I want to destroy my room and myself and then cry in the filth of my own wreckage, and then finally, FINALLY, I can be okay. I can start over and be happy. I'm not allowed to show sadness or anger or upset because I'm not "letting the god in the house" or im "attention seeking" or "I need to count my blessings" or some other dumb excuse by my parents. I'm not even allowed to show my ND traits because it "disrupts the whole family" and that i just "need to act normal." I'm so tired of forcing myself to be happy I just want to break down and let everything out at once and then be genuinly happy for ONCE in my life. What do I do. I'm in so much pain. I contain so much hurt and dont have a way to heal. I have no outlet. I'm so tired...

Hello there,

I'm sorry that you're in so much pain right now. I believe you, I hear it in the words you write. I'm also sorry that you feel unheard and unable to be your authentic self at home. I also lived this, and it really is extremely hard to cope with at times. I completely understand why you want to just break down and destroy everything, and start again.

Firstly, let's look at outlets to get all those feelings out. It's not fair on you to have to keep them all in. We have a page here of Alternatives to Self-Harm. The page has sections on feeling release, unexpressed feelings and feeling the pain, with plenty of ideas for each type of need that you might have. Give it a look over, and see if there's a list of a few activities that you could put together to try out a positive method of expressing your emotions. One that I found helpful just recently was getting a tray of ice cubes and smashing them in the tub whilst I screamed out what/who was making me feel that way. If you have some time home alone, it could be a good one to try (you can also take the ice outside, to a tree or wall, if you don't have a tub). We've also got a page here on Distractions. Like the alternatives, we've got different sections depending on what works best for you - physical, mental, creative, or social.

Another outlet that you could look into is booking a "smashing room". In Melbourne here, we have one called "The Break Room". You pay for a session, they give you a bat, and you head into the room and break everything! A very good physical way to get emotions out, especially if you're already feeling the urge to smash things.

I also think it would be a good idea for you to seek some help from a professional for how you're feeling. I know that from what you've said, it's not likely that you'll feel comfortable, safe or even able to rely on your parents for getting this help, but there are other ways. We have a page here on Getting Help. On it, it talks about reaching out to your doctor, or a trusted teacher, and I think these would be the best ways to go. If your school has a counsellor, that is also a great place to start. Let the adult that you trust know that you're struggling with mental health and need help, but also are unsupported by your parents at home. If you can, let them know how your parents are currently causing you to feel. They can hopefully then guide you to get some ongoing psychological support, which will not only give you a place to release these emotions, but also learn ways to cope whilst you are still living with your parents. We also have a page of Helplines and another with Web Counsellors. These are places run over most hours of the day, and some can offer ongoing support.

And if you need to scream, scream into your pillow and long as you can, there's nothing wrong with that and it is a positive way to express that hurt. You are not wrong for feeling pain from this, it is painful to hide your authentic self and authentic feelings. It is neglectful at the very minimum for your parents to deny you to express your emotions or let you live as the neurodivergent person that you are. My heart goes out to you, I know how hard it can be. I hope these tools help, and you find an outlet for your emotions.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

MORE INCORRECT QUOTES WITH MY MOOTS

ft: @catchmewiddershins @lilikags and @paradise-creator // no haikyuu boys this time

Pauline: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, alright? Are we cowabunga on this? Wid, sighing: Fine. We're cowabunga.

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Pauline: We're having a baby. Shiyu: Oh, congradu- Wid, slamming adoption papers onto teh table: It's you, sign here.

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Pauline: Why are there little handprints all over the walls? Shiyu, whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls? Wid, whispering: Because I have little hands. Shiyu: Because they have little hands.

------------------

Wid: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

--------------

Lili: Life keeps fucking me and I can't remember the safeword.

---------------

Wid: Pros and cons of dating me. Wid: Pros. You'll be the cute one. Wid: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

(cons. you're the smart one😔)

----------------

Shiyu: Sure, you're verified on twitter, but are you verified in the eyes of god?

-------------

Pauline: Theater kids are just choir kids who joined forces with the band and strings kids.

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Shiyu: Did you just call me a shrimp, you asshole?! I'm still growing, dammit!

(*lipbites in 166 cm*)

--------------

Wid: I don't dab. I stab.

(nOw WhEarE HAvE i SeEn ThIs BeFoRe)

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Shiyu: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me.

(t-pose to assert dominance)

---------------

Shiyu, as a child, reading their school assignment out loud: I love my library because... Shiyu, mouthing words while writing: I love reading, fuck you.

(lmao baby nacho really be bold)

--------------------

Shiyu: The ‘how the fucks’ and 'why are you so dumbs’ don’t matter. All that matters is that I have a new gun.

------------------

Lili: It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.

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Pauline: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic, I checked off 'excessive crying' on the symptom list, and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies.

--------------

Pauline: All of your existences are confusing. The Squad: How so? Pauline: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.

(we are the squad now)

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Lili: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool.

---------------

Wid: Real life should have a fucking search function, or something. Wid: I need my socks.

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Pauline: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

(yes yes you are how dare you)

------------

Shiyu: Yeah I'm LGBT. Shiyu: cuLt leader. Shiyu: God hates me personally. Shiyu: cowBoy hat. Shiyu: *sniffles* Trying my best.

(my asexual ass be like;)

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Wid: *plays shreksophone* Wid: Woo. Wid: Time to listen to this on loop for all eternity. Shiyu: ...Genius coping mechanism my friend

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Shiyu: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated. Pauline: Killed without hesitation.

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Pauline: The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.

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Pauline: Sometimes, I don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

-----------------

Pauline: I hate Lili. Shiyu: "Hate' is a strong word. Pauline: I have strong opinions.

(oh no)

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Wid: How does that even work? Shiyu, mocking them: hOw dO yOu UsE a cOmPUteR aNd KnOw wHaTS GoiNg oN iT DoEsNt mAke SeNSe?! Wid: Your face doesnt make sense.

(...fair enough)

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Pauline: Get in, loser, we’re committing vehicular manslaughter!

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Pauline: My stomach growled super loud in French. Pauline: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class. Shiyu: Bonjour. Lili: Le growl. Wid: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.

(reminds me of the 'ill speak french between your legs' tumblr legend and im wheezing)

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Shiyu: *tapping fingers on table* Lili: *taps fingers back furiously* Wid: …What’s going on? Pauline: Morse code. They’re talking. Shiyu: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … - Lili: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

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Shiyu: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely. Wid, Lili, & Pauline: Okay. Shiyu: If you don't want to die, give me all your money. Wid: Bold of you to assume I have money. Lili: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die. Pauline: Bold of you to assume I can die.

(pauline is a goddess. goddesses cant die)

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Lili: If I punch myself and it hurts, am I weak or strong? Wid: Strong. Shiyu: Weak. Pauline: An idiot, is what your are.

(as long as you dont flinch or scream youre strong. unless you get punched in the gut by someone like ushijima ofc)

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Shiyu: Those darn tall old people. Wid: Darm em' indeed. Pauline: Don't worry, they'll be gone soon enough. Lili: *sharpening knife* Yes. Dead. The Squad: Lili: Hahaha. Lili: ...Is this self-destructive behaviour?

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Wid: Oh god, they texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, Pauline. They're mad at you. Pauline: No, it's Shiyu. They're just being gramatically correct! *meanwhile* Shiyu: And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them. Lili: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'. Shiyu: I stand by my choice.

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Wid: What do we think of Shiyu? *pause* Lili: *sighs* Nice pal. Pauline: I think they're gay.

=------------

Wid: Where is Shiyu? Pauline: I'll do you one better, who is Shiyu?? Lili: Here's a better question, why is Shiyu?

(i dont know man. ive been trying to figure it out for the last few years)

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Wid: On the count of three, what’s your favorite cake? Wid & Lili: One, two, three- Wid & Lili: Chocolate cake, peanutbutter frosting, and chocolate chunks! Shiyu: Our turn, Pauline! One, two, three- Shiyu: Vanilla! Pauline: I’ve never had cake before. What is cake?

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Pauline: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am- Wid: A doll. Shiyu: A cinnamon roll. Lili: A sweetheart. Pauline: Pauline: ...stop it.

(cant deny the truth bby)

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Wid, Pauline & Shiyu: *screaming* Lili: *runs into the room* What's wrong, Shiyu?! Wid: Wait, why are you asking Shiyu that when Pauline and I are also here? Lili: Because Shiyu wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance.

(i mean... its true )

-----------------

Pauline: What’s wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone’s throat out. Wid: Fucking Shiyu and Lili were trying to invoke one of the minor gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their bloody chanting.

(manifests dvalin cause i wanna ride on their back and fall off)

-------------------

Lili: Wake me up- Wid: Before you go go Shiyu: When September ends Pauline: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

(cant wake up- WAKE ME UP INSIDE)

--------------------

Shiyu, watching Pauline & Lili panic : What's going on? Wid: Pauline is having a midlife crisis and Lili is just having a crisis.

--------------

Lili: *Gasp* Pauline: wHAT?? Lili: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish? Pauline: *inhales* Wid, in another room with Shiyu: Why can I hear screeching?

(shiyu: same shit different day)

----------------------------

Shiyu: Christmas is cancelled. Wid: You can't cancel a holiday. Shiyu: Keep it up, Wid, and you'll lose New Year's too. Wid: What does that mean? Shiyu: Lili, take New Year's away from Wid.

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Pauline: So, are they your friend or... Lili: They’re like Wid, but if Wid was ordered to be around you. Pauline: Oh, so Shiyu. Lili: Precisely!

(if its about how annoyed i always look then you ahve a point)

----------------

Wid: You’re just being paranoid. Again. Pauline: When have I been paranoid? Wid: Um, when you first met Lili you thought they were an undercover cop…? Pauline: No one has a wart that big, I thought it was a surveillance camera! Wid: And last year you were sure Shiyu was a mermaid! Pauline: They hate wearing shirts! COINCIDENCE?! *Later, when Pauline’s theory is proven wrong* Wid: Do you have anything to say for yourself? Pauline: I still think Shiyu is a mermaid.

(id gladly be one)

--------------------

*Wid drunkenly wanders around the manor and Lili is drunkenly giggling* Shiyu, completely sober: *sighs* Well, looks like it's just me and you against the wold, Pauline. Pauline, going to their room: Nope, just you. *shuts door*

----------------

Wid: We need to distract these guys. Lili: Leave it to me. Lili: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss. Pauline & Shiyu: *immediately begin arguing*

(*pulls out dictionary*)

------------------

Police: You’re under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle. Shiyu, with Wid and Lili behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?! Police: Yes…three. Shiyu: Oh, my God— What the fuck!? Police: Wha- Shiyu: Pauline FUCKING FELL OFF!

----------------------

Wid: What is love? Pauline: An emotional minefield. Shiyu: A neurochemical reaction. Lili: Baby don't hurt me.

(BECAUSE FUCK EMOTIONS)

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Pauline: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions? Wid: Put spaghetti in it. Pauline: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you. Lili: Put spaghetti in it. Pauline: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you two. Shiyu: Put spaghetti in it. Pauline: I am no longer taking suggestions.

------------------

Shiyu, pointing to the wall: What color is this? Pauline: Gray. Lili: Grey. Shiyu, turning to Wid: Now tell them what color you think it is. Wid: Dark white.

i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

alliee my friend group just lost one of us bc she somehow completely flipped and called the guy she was head over heels for ugly and that she could do so much better and he was absolutely crushed like crying all last night and idk how to cope bc she was so lovely and we all thought she was genuine and a rlly good friend but like it’s all happened over the last two days and i’m just very confused and like me and my other friend chatted with him last night and today like talking things over and trying to cheer him up but he’s properly hurt and it’s so painful to see like i can only help so much you know? :((

sorry for the vent i hope you’re having a good dayy 🐌🪄💕

like what i said in that other ask doesnt sound too bad but she said some other stuff which i cant rlly remember as it wasnt directly to me i only heard from the guy and my friend but from what i heard she was a right bitch to everyone involved and it’s just a lot to take in :// rlly sorry for burdening you with all this hope you get to cuddle a fun creature today!! (cat/dog/parrot/misc. australian animals) 🐌🪄💕

oh noo im so sorry :(( im send you and your friends lots of love <3 <3

I just feel so ugly and I can’t stand it but at the same time I feel pretty ? It’s exhausting this going back and forth. Like I can’t stop freaking out about what to wear and I’m just so scared. Idk if this stepping over the line but I just really need someone . 💖

hey i’m so sorry to hear that love 😞 it’s not stepping over the line dw. reading this just breaks my heart and also makes me feel so Seen, i can’t tell you how much i relate. it’s awful that we’re made to feel so bad about simply existing god :/ i think it’s important to remember that these feelings of self loathing are planted in our brains before we’re even old enough to know what it means to love ourselves, so it’s no surprise that you feel this way. it’s ok to sit with the pain, to cry if you need to, to let it hurt. it’s ok if you need to let it go over and over again before you truly let it go for good.  feeling okay in your body is a lifelong task for most people, it doesn’t have to happen instantaneously. it’s normal for it to be a process, and to feel like it’s a pointless endeavor at times. but it never actually is, and living your life in spite of this insecurity is an act of defiance you should always try to practice. you literally dont have anything to prove to anyone. you’re not here on this earth to be as pretty as possible 24/7 - a. because you’re so much more than that and b. because beauty is completely subjective, it’s impossible to please the whole world and you truly dont even have to try to. there are a few affirmations i like to remember to help make this all seem a bit easier. the first is the whole capitalist thing. i say it a lot but honestly we’re taught to despise ourselves and to feel like we constantly need to improve from such a young age simply because it’s how they make money off of us, and cause the world is sexist as fuck. they make us hate the way we look not because there’s actually anything wrong with us, but because they can profit off of it. the second is the whole mental illness thing. it really sounds like your anxiety is amplifying this situation and making it seem like a bigger deal than it is. it’s forcing you to think that the whole world sees you the way you see yourself when that’s not true at all. try to ground yourself in rationality and not emotion when possible. generally speaking nobody is judging you with the same level of disgust that you’re using to judge yourself - everyone is far too worried about themselves and about how they’re coming across, really. i think trying to recenter your attention on the fact that your friends want to see you, that you deserve to go out and have fun, that your looks are the last thing anyone other than you is thinking about etc could bring you some peace of mind. even if it’s hard to believe at first. another point i like to remember is that the people who love/care for us see us as beautiful beings regardless of conventional beauty standards. when you have a strong bond with someone, don’t you think their looks sort of melt away anyway? don’t you think their beauty is in their familiarity and what they offer to your life and the love/memories/laughter you share? you ARE that presence for so many ppl already, even if you cant see it. you can understand all of this on a logical level and still feel bad when you look in the mirror, god knows i do. but the point is to keep trying to live on your own terms, as you are. because theres no wrong way to inhabit a body, to exist. alright? but if this is smth that is continuing to get worse i’d recommend talking to someone about it - your doctor, a counselor/therapist, a support group, a hotline - the options are endless and there’s bound to be one that works for you. i know it’s a bit of a scary idea but there is so much that can be done from a professional standpoint when it comes to self esteem, in terms of behavioral therapy and confidence building techniques and even just having someone to talk to. please don’t write the suggestion off even if it’s a bit too much rn, you can always put a pin in it for later. but know that it is entirely possible to get to a more comfortable state of mind and to break this exhausting cycle. with time, effort and natural self growth. if you want to start with searching from more general self help and healthy coping mechanisms, then that’d be great too. but my point is taking a proactive role in how you view yourself, instead of a passive one, can make a big difference! ANYWAY im sorry this got so long i just lit rally cant shut up.....i hope you go and have a lovely time. everything else is background noise. if you need a friend or someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up anytime. sending love to you x

mtmte liveblog issue 16

here we go, the crux of the pain...

ok I'm not prepared for this but I gotta rip the bandaid off, lets go

oh!!! magnus flashbacks!! I honestly thought these were shown later...this is such cool setup for the next arc tho I love it

and the tieback to the scavengers ark, showing fulcrum’s flashback but from magnus’s perspective, as the guy labelled with ‘ultra magnus’ blows him up...

and like, I love that those flashbacks are so vague, and you don't even really know why you're being shown them - I feel like when I first read this I assumed it was to show a bunch of times where magnus almost died but didn't even though he was expected to die - like here w/overlord - but we’ll soon find out that's not quite the case...

and I like the little details that don't add up, like the second flashback-magnus having his autobrand at an angle (which current-magnus would obviously hate), and the ‘witty banter’ remark about 3rd flashback-magnus, which could very well be genuine 

oh god oh christ the shot of the lost light flying away from the wreckage of the pod and you can see rewinds broken camera just floating there...fuckgin kill me bro

tg wiping off mangus’s leg because ‘he hates dirt’ tailgate ;_; ily 

drift just chillin with 0 legs left

augh poor tailgate, he’s uniquely unprepared for the horrors of battle after sitting out the whole war

oh god, chromedome is standing on the outside of the ship being sad, I already cant handle this

ohhhh god cd talking about him and rewind looking at the stars together ;_; excuse me while I cry my eyes out

chromedome, you have the worst goddamn coping mechanisms

never over rodimus’s office having flames around the door. my guy

magnus invented a font? that makes so much sense somehow

rodimus is worried about his dad :( 

damnnnnn rung with that absolutely BRUTAL read on rodimus, oof. way to kick someone when they're down...ouch

but really, rodimus’s hero complex is so fascinating, especially bc he’s aware that he has it to some degree, and he’s not necessarily a bad person, so he tries somewhat to avoid playing into it, but that's a difficult thing to do...

 brainstorm hugging his briefcase like that at the funeral...hhhh

swerve, the ‘case quest’ sounds like a spectacularly bad idea

god I'm so sad this whole issue but rodimus giving this big impassioned funeral speech that seems like its about rewind, only for it to REALLY be about some guy who turns into a tripod....really funny

godddd chromedome and brainstorm sitting together, and cd staring at his (remaining) hand....bro :(((

super interested in the fact that rodimus is religious, even though he’s not really overt about it, and it’s not touched on much in the story

rung staring intensely and accusingly at rodimus....jesus that's intimidating

chromedome is clearly uh. Not Coping well, which anyone could see after his “speech” about rewind

brainstorm giving cd that Look :( oh man oh god

GODDDDDDDD the reveal that chromedome has been through this THREE TIMES before, and every single time has chosen to forget, and the whole thing w/the innermost energon...im fucking devastated m8. god

hhhhh and brainstorm saying that he knows cd will go through with it, because they've had this same conversation multiple times before...fucking kill me 

also brainstorm and cd’s friendship is so AUGHHHHH my heart man. earlier on they're friendly assholes to each other but now we get to see that they both have a lot of deep emotions

oh god and now the whole thing with drift. hhhhhh this issue HURTS man

thinkin abt how brainstorm, while talking to cd, said that he thinks that drift ‘has the urge to name names’ but really, drift threw himself on the sword and took ALL the blame, even though cd even said, a lot of it was on him for going into the cell without telling anyone...plus brainstorm (and as we later find out, rodimus) is involved as well....AUGH

and drift being cast out so harshly seems rough, even though we know what he (and the others) did was bad

also looks like magnus is reanimating himself over in the medbay...i love all the symbolism with magnus’s hand this issue

OH GOD OH NO I CANT HANDLE THIS. REWINDS GOODBYE MESSAGE IS SERIOUSLY THE BIGGEST TEARJERKER IN THE STORY

‘you and me apart strikes me as intensely wrong’ I'm literally weeping. hello. I cant fucking handle this 

NOOOO GODDDD I seriously cant deal with rewinds message overlaid onto drift leaving the ship, and being attacked as he goes, and then ratchet helping him up with ‘you're a better person now - stubborn and frustrating but wonderful!’ over the panels AUGHHHH my heart cant handle any of this. my organs are shutting down as we speak

god I'm just ugly crying @ the end of the message.... ‘one more thing - one last thing - because I don't say it enough...I love you’ AUGHHHH

and its rewind himself who says the ‘I love you’ ;_; LOOK HOW HARD I CAN CRY!!!!!!!!!!!

and the panels of chromedome retracting his needles...he was ready to go through w/it just like brainstorm said but rewind was able to convince him otherwise from beyond the grave ;_; its about the LOVE man

like...rewind might not have known about cd’s past husbands and all the bad coping mechanism nonsense surrounding all that (or maybe he did? unclear) but either way, he knows chromedome so well by now, and knows that he’d be devastated by rewind dying, and so he leaves him this final message....additionally, I feel like rewind, being an archivist, would loathe the idea of being erased from the memory of the person who cares for him the most, and his goodbye message succeeded in preventing that

next, to give us a break from extreme emotional devastation brought about by gay robots, we check in with magnus, who has decided he’s had enough of all of this nonsense and has vacated the premise, somehow

aaaaand right back to being hit by a metaphorical emotional bat, because it looks like tailgate’s gonna die posthaste! 

I really love how the character profile descriptions change periodically

SO...this issue...this ARC....GODDDD. I mean its clear from my liveblogs that this destroyed me emotionally, phew....

I will say, I think the writing here is so excellent - this little 3-issue ‘arc’ felt like it had been built up to perfectly from the very beginning, and it all came together in a well-paced and devastating conclusion here 

I mean, this isn't the end of s1, we still have remain in light, but a lot of plot points wrapped up here. I don't know much about comics but I feel like they can get cancelled pretty fast, and idek how many issues mtmte was ‘guaranteed’ at this point, so I really commend jro & co for being able to construct such a fantastic story with a solid conclusion, while also setting up a bunch more plotlines for what would hopefully be future issues 

I will say. I'm super glad rewind ends up coming back, and also that things get a lot gayer soon, bc this would have been devastating to read in a whole different way if it was just a bad ole str8forward bury your gays situation 

but since it isn't, then I'm free to be extremely emotional about it, oof

I feel like I've articulate a lot of my thoughts already so ill end here and say: this slaps, cant wait to re-read more

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

just wait, i promise

why do people wait?

why do we wait for luck, wait for love when the end is neigh

you see i propose this question as if i myself am not a proponent of this problem-

i wait till i know what to say,

to realize what i did wrong,

to actually love myself and not some mirage of self worth

and i wait to be shown that i matter in the mind of others so maybe i can mean something to myself

how do we cope with the trauma of life?

the moments when you see the pain in your father's eyes,

your brother's ugly wracking sobs,

your friends red arms,

your own nasty brain

how do we possibly cope with the anxiety of living,

with the unknown of tommorow,

with no one to confine in because you pushed them all away.

you see; im beginning to think its better.

better to never care, never fail, never screw up so badly you cant go back.

because i lay in the arms of my mama and i miss my lover,

see the pained look in a friends eye as they stumble while opening a door, a disordered brain taking over,

and i begin to think

is there even a point to all of this? is there a reason we all go through such tragedies and triumphants?

is there a reason to even stay in a place of such pain?

...

the words ring in my brain, a deadline and a death sentence.

is there even anyone who would miss me?

...

not all is lost though,

even as a guillotine of depression hangs over in a self made destruction,

i am not done.

because i still create.

and i still love,

and i hope,

and i cry and scream and yell,

and it is so much more than the empty silence that death promises

i want the kid down the street to remember my name, as the kind of girl who would get you a gift just because.

as the kind of girl who was a good friend, who helped those in need,

and there is no one to see that legacy through but myself.

so yes, i will stay.

i will stay and dwindle in sadness for a little longer,

maybe close myself off from love and pain a little too much,

but i will stay to see it through.

i will not let this brain that screams how easy it would be to let go win,

i wont let some pussy ass bitch who cant even kill me itself take control.

i will be hope. i will be help. i will be love.

you can be too.

Just ignore this it’s just for me to try and organise myself because idk what to do right now aside from cut myself up and hit my head and I’m trying my fucking best to not do that. But as always I need the knowledge that my thoughts are “out there” rather than just writing somewhere private in order to feel like it’s helped me. Not that I have much hope for that anyway. I was doing so so well, moving on, making progress, taking control of things, finding good influences to be around and getting my work done and it all gets shattered over nothing or when my meds don’t work as well as they should. Everything in my life and everything about me is so fragile and built on such fragile foundations and however stable or genuine the changes I make seem, they are nothing. Even if my mood flips again tomorrow and things magically get better, it doesn’t make my emotions any less strong right now, and it would definitely flip back to this as soon as the next stressor happens. I hate it.

I wrote out a huge post about all my feelings earlier and it made me feel better but I went to post it and the fucking connection got fucked and it deleted itself and that alone has sent me spiralling and im so upset and angry and that just says everything, i almost threw my laptop at the wall but threw my phone instead. I’ve been trying to remember what I said because it made me feel better but I just keep crying and hitting things and myself and I cannot shake it, and that’s my reality rn

_____

I’m so exhausted being me and being this mess and I don’t want to even try anymore. Whatever I do and however much I think I make progress, I always end up back in this situation with no triggers or warning. No progress or motivation is worth it because I will never be fixed or stable and there isn’t a guide to navigate this. Why should I try and move forward when within three days this can happen and I’m back at square one. Either my meds were faulty or this is just me but who the fuck cares which it is because either way I’m just a fucking incapable piece of shit. There is no reason I should flip this quickly and feel so strongly over literally nothing but tiny normal inconveniences and the level that I hate myself because of everything and just in general is too much. I hated myself anyway but EUPD moods make it so much worse and so much more intense and I literally cannot do anything close to normal functioning when this happens. My dad came round to check how I was and I cried for a while but then I was ready to try and go out the house with him, but I saw myself in the mirror and had a complete breakdown and cried in bed for hours and didn’t speak. I’m fucking pathetic but I can feel all of the fucking fat on my body everywhere and it feels like a disease, I disgust myself. I couldn’t move or even think about going outside because I couldn’t and still cant stand the thought of anyone seeing my body. It’s vile and I hate it and even when I have a few good weeks and start eating normal amounts again, seeing my body sends me back into a spiral and I regret ever eating at all. I’m crying now because it just feels like you can see the fat expand by the minute and it makes my anxiety and anger and sadness go haywire. I don’t want to try anymore I’m exhausted trying to pretend that one day I’ll get fixed and I’ll be stable enough for myself that I can lead a normal life but it just isn’t possible. I want to drop dead because this is not living. I am exhausted of my thoughts making me think of the most triggering things when I know full well I am already bad enough that I want to die and hurt myself, and just sinking lower into that spiral until I scare myself about what I’m going to do. Every single month there is something that brings me back to this place where I remember that no matter what progress I’ve made, it’s all fake and down to some fucking pills. And as soon as those get taken away, I’m back to being some pathetic waste of space and effort who’s almost 25 and unable to even control their fucking emotions even at the bare minimum level so I can function. I felt so guilty with my dad here and me just being a wreck and unable to talk or go outside. It’s pathetic. I don’t know why I deserve a head that hates me this much and can’t do it’s only fucking job. I’m tired of faking it and tired of hating myself and tired of knowing that for as long as my life lasts, this is all it’s going to be. And it isn’t a life. It isn’t fair and I don’t know why I had to end up like this. EUPD is ugly and it is vile and eventually, whenever it happens, this will be what kills me. The only things that distracted me even a little was my dad coming over and keeping me busy before I fell back into that hole and Matt messaging me, because it grounded me a little for an hour or so because it was nice to interact when it’s been months, but it didn’t work for long. Those aside, I just want to be someone else. It’s too much, I don’t know how to get my thoughts out, I can’t get the anger out even when I hurt myself or break things, it’s like drowning in self-hate to the degree that you cannot see anything else. I just want to sleep and wake up and have this whole stupid fucking disorder and brain gone or a bad dream.  It’s not hard to see why I don’t achieve anything, I will never get to my full potential because of my brain and the boat has pretty much already sailed on me achieving the things I wanted to with my work anyway. Because of how incapacitated I have always been during education because of this. It’s not hard to see why people leave, why I am too much to handle. I flip so quickly and the anger expects others to understand what’s going on when in reality I don’t have any idea either. I need validation and then I don’t want a thing from them. It’s too much. I don’t blame anyone. I blame myself. Every aspect of my life gets fucked up by my inability to control myself or my thoughts or feelings and this is just a huge fucking pity party for me to try and organise my thoughts, just so that for the rest of today, I might be able to move my head away from them now. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m detached from 90% of the people in my life and I don’t care. I just want to hide until I drop or until just one area of my life makes sense. If I could hate myself less and not want to puke and cry and cut every time I saw my body, I’d be able to come with the sad and the angry. If I didn’t react so strongly to the smallest triggers, or felt stable, or stable in my relationships, or able to trust ANYONE, I’d be able to deal with hating myself a little better. If I didn’t read meaning into everything people say and misinterpret things, or have such a strong emotional reaction to people speaking to me or whatever then I’d have more stable relationships and I could cope better with the rest. If I didn’t have such bad anxiety affecting most of my life, the EUPD in general would be easier to control. If I didn’t feel this inability or desire to share with the people in my life who actually do care, I’d find things easier to deal with and would have an actual support system. But by my own design and suspicion and refusal to overshare and burden people directly, I’m a fucking mess. Everything hitting me at the same time, at 400% power, it incapacitates me. I wish I didn’t have a personality disorder so I knew exactly what I’m actually like, and not constantly wondering what is me and what is an illness. I wish I wasn’t anxious so I trusted people’s intentions and could be myself instead of reining myself in and being terrified of being bad at things or embarrassing myself, and never making progress with anything or anyone because of it. I wish I had a healthy relationship with food. I wish I didn’t self harm. I wish I wasn’t depressed. I just want to be someone else and be a real adult. Life is hard enough without an arsenal of chemical imbalances and broken mental Schemas. I was doing SO well and it equates to nothing. I don’t want to be a 24 year old pathetic mess of a person. It’s too much. Although I do it to myself because I’m not someone who enjoys talking directly to people about my problems and I’d never want to burden them, it’s alienating and hard to try and function without explaining what is wrong.

Pass the happy!

hi binch!!!!!!! ily!!!!!!!! 

my puppy sandra!!! she is quite literally THE BEST thing that has ever happened to me! yes i rescued her from the shelter and it makes me really sad to think how long she would have stayed there bc she’s blind and when i went to pick her up they called her ugly ): she was only there for a day when i got her so it makes me happy to know that she didn’t have to wait long to find a happy home and i really hope i have given her one!! i hope she loves me as much as i love her!!!

i love my binches!!! i can’t tag u all but i love u and think of y’all all the time and i hit y’all up when i’m sad and y’all send me posts and messages occasionally or even daily some of you and its nice! i don’t have too many irl friends but i love my internet binches that have in turn become my irl friends ya know!!! even more so the ones that i have actually gotten to meeet!!! looking at u twee!!! and mia who i will hang out w soon! and jessica even tho shes not on here!!!

books!!!!! I AM A SLUT FOR BOOKS AND MIA HAS RUINED MY LIFE W HER RECS. like i wasnt too into YA books and was rly focused on literary classics and SOME YA but not enough, but she really got me into them a few years back w everything she posted lol. and i was an elitist lowkey like “who likes twilight and fifty shades and etc” (after having read them and making judgements of my own of course) but uhhhh… now i’m a slut for the teen section. I love TMI and TID and TDA and shadow hunters are my CHILDREN, and every other YA book i have read from that point on has really brought my heart so much joy like, i have been down in the dumps literally wanting to/formulating how to kill myself, crying nonstop for days and days at a time when.. i pick up a new series.. and suddenly my depression is cured. u know what, special shouts2 @steadyflame bc if it weren’t for your recs literally like over 5 years ago, i have no idea how i would have coped as recently as a few months ago. like its rly tiny but like im gonna cry bc u changed my life and opened my eyes to literary possibilities (even tho u ruined it too, and i have yet to still read raven cycle). anyway everyone, A COURT OF FROST AND STARLIGHT IS OUT TODAY! I PREORDERED IT BACK IN NOVEMBER AND IT IS SHIPPING TO ME AND BITCH I CANNOT WAIT TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT READING IT OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDDD

cleaning, lol. ai hate how grueling it can be and it almost always is guaranteed to fuck my allergies up. BUT i feel so good when my space is just perfect and tidy and i cant take a deep breathe in and feel brand new

working out/eating clean. it doesnt really make me happy BUT it makes me feel better about myself like yes i am making good and healthy choices for me and my brain and my body and hopefully it benefits me in the much longer run, aside from just losing a few pounds

I feel so disconnected from reality, from truth. I don't even know who I am. Underneath all of the layers and layers of fake skins I've put on to hide myself, who am I really? Underneath all these layers and layers that you have suffocated me in, what is there?

I thought I was the storm, the wonder... but now I don't feel that spark of love anymore. I only feel pain.

I'm a horrible person. I'm ungrateful and honestly? I feel like I'm crazy. A lot of the times I will go off on these tangents and... the looks people give me...

I'm ungrateful. Its like,,, I SHOULD just get over the pain. I'm stupid for thinking that my pain matters. I am not suffering as bad as everyone else. I'm sad, but I dont deserve to say I'm sad, I'm just a dumb kid complaining. It's like my dad says: I should be grateful that I'm being fed and that I have a house.

Even still, my heart is loud. It screams at me even if I stop thinking about my own problems because it cares too much about other people. Tears come to my eyes quickest when the well being of other people in this world is mentioned... because they're SUFFERING and here I sit doing nothing. I hate myself for that. I contribute nothing to the cause. Reading a book of theory takes a long time for me because I get distracted so easily... and other than that I dont do anything to change this world. I hate myself for my inaction.

And overall? I'm a horrible person. I'm ugly as fuck and nobody will ever love me or care about me. I'm useless, I have no talents. I'm alone and I have no friends right now. I'll never be what's expected of me. I'll never be what I aspire to be. It hurts.

Ugly as fuck,,, I am. I am ugly as fuck, and my whole body is gross. Its shaped wrong... I barely look human. I have thick muscular calves and apparently they look like "chicken legs" and the worst part is I KNOW my legs are not supposed to be so big because when I wear pants it's common for them to strain at the calves due to all the muscle on them... its gross. If I knew sports were going to do that to my legs I wouldve opted out. Also all of my fat ends up on my thighs and its ugly... I just want nice thin legs like EVERYONE ELSE. I want to be taller... fuck I'm crying now, I really want to be taller... I look so gross with my stubby little legs full of ugly brown scars... I'm 15... i should be taller... god im so fuck ugly. My face is fat and my nose is the WEIRDEST FUCKING NOSE EVER I HATE IT I HATE IT and my skin is very bad and full of acne and I just wish I looked normal. Once I showed soemone my face for the very first time and they laughed at me... I'll never get over that.

Fuck... fuck. I just want to... let go of all this stress. I hate myself so much. I'm so inferior I cant even be considered human. I'm like, subhuman. Fuck. I wish I could just... have never existed. I wish i just never existed. The world would be better off without some ugly stupid ungreatful annoying cringe 15 year old with the ugliest face ever who cant stop fucking crying and cant perform basic tasks like SHOWERING soemtimes like dude...

I'm so sad. Honestly? I've been drained ever since I stopped having friends. Drained. I wish I had friends. I wish the kids in my class actually talked to me... I really hoped that maybe this year would be better for me. This was going to be the year!! The good year!!! But nope. No friends. No convo with anyone. I'm alone.

But dont I deserve that? The reaosn I cant make friends is because I'm a fucking weirdo. Nobody wants to talk to me. They'd rather talk to the funny kids, the kids who are outgoing, the charismatic kids, the extroverts... the kids who have everything I dont have. And I dont blame them. I'm just naturally inferior at everything, so who would want me?

Most days I cry... for hours at a time... just cry. I wish I could dissapear... the human condition is especially fragile, at least for me it is. I add that because my whole life I was told that my way of experiencing emotion was abnormal and weird and made me a bad person... and that's hard to unlearn. To this day I cant really Express my emotions to anyone irl. I WOULD talk to my friends, they offer, but I feel bad. I feel like im just burdening them with my shitty complicated issues. And really? What I want is something they can never give me. Nobody can ever give me what I want. It's far too late.

I just wanted loving accepting caring parents. But it's too late for that. They're trying now, but they can't go back in time and redo like 13 years. Everything I do now to try and cope with that is a simulation of the true thing... and its WEIRD for me to be doing that since I'm basically an adult, right? Like... they're right. They caused me so much pain but they're RIGHT that I'm stupid and useless and abnormal. An anomaly. Not. Human.

When will I ever become human? Never. I am, in my core, not human. Then what am I? I don't know. I'm an orb of light that burns to touch... housed in a human body. I want to get rid of my body and have a new one. I hate it. I want to get rid of my stress and all the pain and honestly? I think I want to die. I had a chance to do it once, but I declined the offer, and now? I regret that decision. I should've done it right then and there. But now that I didnt do it then, I'll never have another opportunity as perfect as that one e ever again. So I'm stuck here. Living. Breathing. Disgusting. Inside a body that isnt mine, inside a home where I am a scared little rabbit, inside a world where I am a grain of sand, carrying on my back a lovely crucifix.

I am SO close to relapsing right now. I want to... so bad... SO BAD. The desire is near overwhelming. Theres something about all sorts of different pains mixing together that will do that to you.

I will try to ignore it or somehting... I cant afford a relapse right now.

Outsiders x IT crossover NOW!

ok so im gonna do hc’s bc i love this idea 

i did this with my friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @maddie-ee

we’re doing two versions,,,,,,,,,, one where they are each other, and one where they meet each other

Where they are each other

-Mike and Ponyboy would be the most similar because they’re the smartest ones of the group

-(Maddie went on a rant that in the book, Mike was originally the brains, and that they passed that trait 2 Ben in the movie so,,,,,,,,,, yA)

-Beverly would be Dallas because they’re both the toughest out of their respective groups, and they both come from shitty home lives, and try to stay strong throughout it, and both their moms aren’t big parts of their lives

-Eddie is definitely Darry bc they’re both the dad friend, and they always have the supplies, both try and stay really calm, unless situations get out of hand– lmao– and they will both fite

-Stan is Steve because they both have a strong interest in something, and that that’s all people think of them for, Maddie thinks they’re under appreciated (which they are ;(((), they both have dads that are always disappointed and mad at them for something

-Bill would be Sodapop because they both care about their brothers a lot, and if Ponyboy were to die like Georgie died, Soda would be in constant denial just like Bill has in the duration of the book/movie – (Maddie says: And he got dem looks)

-Ben is Johnny because they’re both more shy, they get picked around more than the others (Bob w/ Johnny is Henry w/ Ben), and they both would originally spend their days secluded and away from people if they hadn’t met the Losers’ Club/The gang

-And Richie is Two-Bit because they’re both loud-mouthed and witty, they always pull jokes and have something to say about someone or something. (And they’re both hilarious imo lmao oop :”))

When they meet (This isn’t very serious lmao)

-Immediately, Dallas and Sodapop would immediately put moves on Beverly, and Ben and Bill are having none of that shit

-Like c’mon buddies they gotta fight w/ each other already ;((

-Richie would Flirt™ with Johnny OWO and Eddie (his boyf) would be Upset and go flirt with the Pone ;))))))))

-Richie would say shit about Dallas’ mom and then start running bc Dallas would try 2 kill him :)))

-As Eddie is flirting with Ponyboy, Richie comes over all pissy, and Pony just looks @ him confused and says

“What are you doing?”

and,,,, Richie being Richie, says, “Your mom”

-que Pony’s ugli crying-

-Johnny has 2 come over and comfort him, saying “Hey buddy it’s ok it’s ok he didn’t know”

-Darry is like,,,,,,,, not fitting in bc he’s the fuckin 20 yr old with a separate group of like 13-14 year olds oop

-Two-Bit would make puns about how Darry is in the town of Derry tho

-Later,,,,,,,, when he’s Done crying,,, Ponyboy would go up to Bill like “hi!” and poor Bill is just “H-h-h-h-hi”

-They kind of cope together over the losses of their family members

-If this was more modernized version, Two-Bit would run up to Bill out of nowhere and screech “BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY” before running away

-:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

-Steve would make raunchy jokes with Richie while everyone else sits there like :|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

-this is stupid u are cringing i can tell

-i left out some characters ik but i cant think of anything else ;((((((