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rainbowwing251 · 5 months

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The Other Chris (Wild Kratts Tickle Fic)

A/N: I can’t. Believe. I’m doing this.

Seriously, I can’t believe I’m doing this. I should not be doing this, but I’m doing it anyway.

So uh… yeah, this is… a thing! It’s a tickle fic for the PBS Kids series Wild Kratts!

I know I said I didn’t want to make tickle content for the show, but truth be told… I really wanted to for… almost as long as I’ve been into the show. The only reason why I decided against it was because I was afraid. Afraid of how the Wild Kratts fandom would see me for making this kind of content. Afraid that the tickling community wouldn’t care about tickle content for this show. Afraid that somehow, someway, the Kratt Brothers themselves would find my content.

But recently, two out of my three fears have been proven false. It turns out that there IS a tickling community for Wild Kratts and that the tickling community as a whole does enjoy the limited amount of tickle content there is for it. I’m still concerned about whether or not the brothers themselves will find it, but I guess I shouldn’t worry about that for now…

This is a long author’s note, and I apologize for that, but before I get onto this fic, I would like to mention that this fic is a collab! This is a collab between myself and @kittyfluffies on Tumblr, whom I may have accidentally dragged into the Wild Kratts fandom with me… oops.

Well, let’s see how this goes! Real quick, this fic takes place shortly after the events of the episode “The Other Martins”!

P.S. Interpret this as Krattcest and I’ll get the sniper rifle. That shit is DISGUSTING.

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Today was a horrible day to be Chris Kratt.

Everything that could go wrong today did go wrong, except for the appearance of one or more of the villains. But would that have been any worse than falling into a pile of rotten apples, nearly being dive bombed by a Purple Martin (multiple times in fact), finding an American Pine Marten, having an American Red Squirrel steal your Creature Power Suit, getting tickled by said squirrel and your brother at the same time, and falling into a body of water, in that order, all on the same day? All while your brother teases you relentlessly the whole time? Chris would argue that this is worse than anything the villains could throw at him and the rest of the Tortuga crew.

He tried to combat his bad luck by calling it a day early to try and think of animals that shared his name, but there was one problem with this plan: he can’t think of a single animal that has “Chris” in its name. Not a single one.

“Come on, there’s gotta be one animal out there with the name Chris that isn’t me…! There has to be…!” he thought as he laid in a bed in the basement of the Tortuga. He had intended to lie in one of the hammocks that was in the central room of the ship, but remembered that none of those were his. They belonged, from top to bottom, to Aviva, Koki, and Jimmy Z, and as much as he would have liked to be in a hammock right now, he didn’t want to risk being scolded for taking a hammock that wasn’t his. That, and he was already feeling irritated by the events of the day and didn’t want to be angered any further, so he chose to isolate himself to try and calm down.

This worked for some time, but eventually, the peace was disturbed by the appearance of someone else.

The moment he heard those footsteps, he knew who it was. And he groaned.

“Oh no…” He should have known that there was no way he would be able to go the rest of the day without seeing the one who was responsible for half of the troubles he faced today, and yet somehow, he thought he would be left alone.

The door to the basement opened, and in came the reason he was even lying here in the first place: his older, mischievous, and sometimes annoying brother, Martin Kratt.

“Hey bro!” he greeted before noticing the look on Chris’s face. He’s seen him direct that face at the villains and sometimes him a couple of times, but something about that expression in this moment seemed… off.

“What? Aren’t you happy to see me?”

“After everything you put me through today? No, absolutely not.”

That upsetted Martin a little bit, but he did understand why he’d feel that way. It didn’t stop him from teasing him a little bit more, however.

“Awww, come on, Chris! You got to see animals that share a name with your bro! Does that not make you happy? Not even a little bit?” he teased, putting his hand on his shoulder and leaning towards his face.

Chris rolled his eyes at his brother’s actions, “Remember when I said that purple martins didn’t annoy me anymore, but this one-” Chris put a finger on Martin’s chest, “-not so much? I meant it.”

“Awww, you’re no fun, bro. I was just messing with you! I wanted you to enjoy The Day of the Martins!”

“Your teasing didn’t help me get my Creature Power Suit back from that red squirrel.”

“But I still got it back!”

Chris sighed and poked his brother again, “You don’t get it, do you?” He was about to lecture his older brother before he heard what sounded like a mix of a giggle and a squeak, “You’re still laughing at my luck, aren’t you?”

“N-no, just watch where you’re poking me!” Martin explained, grabbing Chris’s wrist and pulling it away from him. Chris looked down to see where he had poked him, thinking he had poked him in the chest again, only to realize that he had accidentally poked his brother in the stomach.

Suddenly, he got an idea. An idea on how he could get back at his brother for his merciless teasing.

If he couldn’t think of any animals with Chris in their name, then he’ll have to invent one. One that can give him the power to take revenge on his brother.

“...Chris?” Martin’s concerned voice pulled him out of his thoughts, “You alright?”

A malicious grin formed on Chris’s face, “Chris isn’t here right now.”

Martin raised a brow at his younger brother’s statement, “Huh? What are you talking about, bro? You’re right here! What do you mean you aren’t-”

“Chris. Isn’t. Here. Right now.” The green brother grabbed Martin by his wrists and swiftly pinned him down onto the bed. “Only his alter-ego~”

Upon hearing that teasy tone in his voice, Martin immediately knew what was about to happen. “C-Chris? Can we talk about this…?!”

Chris let out a sinister-sounding chuckle, “I already told you, Chris isn’t here~ Only…” he brought his hands into Martin’s vision and wiggled his fingers.

“W-wait, nohoho! Don’t-!”

“The TICKLE MONSTER!” The younger brother drilled a finger into the other’s armpits, “But right now, you can call me the ‘Other Chris’~”

To Chris’s slight shock, Martin had already burst into a fit of giggles with a few laughs mixed in for good measure.

“Nohohohoho, Chrihihihihs! W-We can tahahahalk about thihihis!”

“Laughing already? And from a single finger in the armpits, no less~? This will be easy~”

The blue brother was already squirming under the ticklish touch, trying and failing to throw Chris off of him.

“Trying to throw me off, are we~? I think that warrants a punishment, wouldn’t you agree~?” Chris ignored the unintentional rhyme and snuck a second wiggling finger into Martin’s armpits, causing his giggles to rise in volume and his squirming to become a little more violent.

“C-Chrihihis nohohohoho! That t-tihihihihihickles!” Martin cried out, his arms coming down in an attempt to protect his armpits, but unfortunately for him, that only served to trap his brother’s fingers in there.

“I told you, I’m not Chris! I am the Other Chris!” The “Other Chris” protested as he broke through the blue Kratt’s defenses to slip a third finger under his arms.

“Chrihihihihis, I knohohohow you’re in thehehehehre!”

“Nope, Chris is nowhere to be found right now, but I promise, he’ll come back once I give him what he wants~”

“Whahahahahahat? What d-dohohohoes he wahahahant?”

Chris gave him the most evil smirk he could muster. “Revenge~” With that, he skipped the fourth step and slipped the last two fingers under Martin’s arms. With all ten fingers tickling him, Martin went from squirming to thrashing uncontrollably, nearly throwing Chris off of him a few times. He’d also started kicking his legs, desperately trying to distract himself from the tingly sensation under his arms.

“NOHOHOHOHO, BROHOHOHOHOHO! C-CUT IT OHOHOHOHOUT!” Martin seemed to nearly scream out as he kept kicking and thrashing for a few more seconds, only stopping when he felt a hand on his ankle.

“Are you trying to kick me~? How rude~!” Chris teased. He was about to stick a hand back under his brother’s arm before he was hit with another idea. Martin, who had squeezed his eyes shut during his laughing fit, opened them and giggled in anticipation. “C-Chrihihihihs?”

The evil grin his brother had on his face nearly made him burst into laughter again.

“You know, Martin… I’m pretty sure it’s not a good idea to kick another person, and yet you tried to kick me anyway. I think it’s time for me to switch spots and teach you another lesson~”

“Whahahahat?” Martin questioned through his giggles before he felt his shoelaces coming undone. “Whahahaha- hehehehehey! Don’t remove my shoes, plehehehehehese! Chrihihihihis!”

“It’s too late to beg for mercy now, Martin~” Chris slowly pulled both shoes off before slipping a finger into the blue brother’s socks.

“Nononononono dohohohohohon’t! Dohohohon’t do ihihihihit!”

“Do what~?” Chris asked him, pulling one sock off of his foot, “Take your shoes and socks off? Well too bad, I will not stop until you apologize to me… and to Chris~”

“But yohohohou are Chrihihih- NOHOHOHOHOHOHO!” Martin burst into laughter upon feeling a hand on his bare left foot.

“Laughing already~? This will be easy~” With that, Chris dug in, scribbling his fingers all over the other’s feet. Martin absolutely lost it in response.

“NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO, CHRIHIHIHIHIHIHIS! S-STAHAHAHAHAHP!”

“Begging for mercy again are we~? I don’t remember you giving Chris mercy when he told you to stop, so why should I~?” Chris ribbed, leaning in closer to Martin’s face in an attempt to make the teasing worse for his older brother. Needless to say, it worked like a charm.

“PLEAHAHAHAHAHAHASE STAHAHAHAHAHAP TEHEHEHEASING MEHEHEHE!”

“And why should I do that~?” the younger brother asked, focusing the tickling on Martin’s arches, a spot he knew was unbearably sensitive to any kind of touch, “Does it tickle more when I tease you~? Does it make you lose all of your strength so you can’t fight back~? Tell me, Martin, does teasing make you weak to tickles~? Even more so than you already are~?”

Martin’s only response was to throw his head back in uncontrollable laughter before immediately rushing to cover his face with a pillow to muffle himself.

“That was not a response, but I’ll take it anyway~” Chris reacted with a giggle, far too amused by how much his brother was laughing. “Besides, now that you’re covering your face, you won’t be able to see what I’m doing~”

To prove his point, the younger Kratt suddenly switched from scribbling Martin’s arches to scratching under his toes. Just as he predicted, Martin’s laughter increased in both pitch and volume, though it was muffled a little by the pillow.

“CRIHIHIHIHS NOHOHO-MMMPH!” The older Kratt had lifted the pillow a little to plead for Chris to have mercy on him, but he had to cut himself off by pulling the pillow back over his face because he was afraid his laughter would alert someone upstairs.

“You brought this on yourself, Martin~ All you had to do was get Chris’s vest back without tickling him, but nope, you couldn’t resist~”

Chris looked down to return his focus to Martin’s feet when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a bright green disc in one of Martin’s shoes. For the third time that day, he was hit with an evil idea. He slowed the tickling under Martin’s toes to a stop and waited for him to catch his breath.

“Hey Martin~”

“A-are you fihihihinally going to have mercy on mehehehe…?” Martin let out his after-giggles and slowly lifted the pillow off of his face. Chris grinned a little at seeing the bright pink blush on his brother’s face, a clear indication that this was a job well done so far. He nearly laughed when he saw his eyes widen in horror.

“T-that’s…!”

Chris let out the most malicious laugh he could muster. “The Pine Marten Power Disc~” He then leaned in towards Martin again. “I think you know what I’m going to do with this, but first, I need to find a pine marten~”

The other Martin tried to snatch the Power Disc out of his brother’s hands, but Chris just dodged each attempt effortlessly.

“Now… how am I going to keep you from escaping…?” Chris pondered, realizing that he had not considered the possibility of using an animal’s Creature Powers to tickle Martin. At that moment, both brothers heard the door to the basement open.

“What’s going on down here? I thought I heard someone laughing…” Aviva walked into the room and spotted the brothers. Martin’s blush deepened into a dark shade of red while Chris’s face turned a bright pink, just like his brother’s face was a few seconds ago. The blush quickly faded from the green brother’s face when he realized that the answer to his question had just caught them in the act.

“Aviva, keep him pinned down for me, will you?”

“Huh…?” Aviva was very confused, but upon seeing the tears of mirth in the corners of Martin’s eyes combined with the blush and residual giggles, she quickly caught on to what was going on, “Ohhh, I see~ Sure thing, Chris~”

“I’m not Chris, I’m the Other Chris!”

Aviva couldn’t help but roll her eyes at that, “Whatever you say, ‘Other Chris’~”

Chris elected to ignore the sudden embarrassment that welled up within him upon hearing Aviva’s teasing words and walked out of the basement to go find his “partner” in crime. As soon as he left, Aviva turned to face the flustered mess of a Kratt brother on the bed.

“Hehehehey Avivahahaha…!”

She couldn’t help but giggle at him, “Chris got you good, didn’t he~?”

“Yeahahaha, and he’s not even dohohohne yet!” Martin answered as the remaining after giggles slowly subsided. “You’ll get me out of here, rihihight…?”

“Hmm…” The inventor pretended to ponder his question before she pinned him down, just as Chris asked her to, “Nope~ Don’t want to get on Chris’s- sorry, ‘Other Chris’s’- bad side~”

Martin’s giggles quickly returned as he realized there was no hope of escape, “Nohohohoho! I mehehehehehean, I geheheht it, but nohohohoho!”

“No what, Martin~? Do you want me to get on your brother’s bad side~? On ‘Other Chris’s’ bad side~? After everything he did to you~?” Aviva smirked at the blue Kratt’s sudden laughing fit, “No way~! If you can’t handle his tickle skills, how do you expect me to handle them~?”

Before Martin could respond (if he would’ve been able to answer at all given how hard he was laughing), both he and Aviva heard the sound of a Creature Power Suit being activated upstairs, followed by the sound of quiet footsteps approaching the door to the basement.

Aviva couldn’t help but let out an evil chuckle as she saw her pinned victim’s eyes widen in horror, “Looks like your time is running out, Martin~”

“NOHOHOHOHO!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The whole time Aviva was teasing his brother, Chris had entered the main room of the Tortuga to find a pine marten. As soon as the door opened and he stepped inside, he finally allowed himself to break character.

“Phew… keeping up a fake persona is tiring… but oh is it worth it~” Chris thought to himself, “Let’s see… is there a pine marten in here…?”

Chris looked around the room and noticed that two certain crew members were nowhere to be found. “Koki and Jimmy aren’t here…? That’s a little odd…”

Before he could further question their whereabouts, his eyes landed on a pine marten that was sitting in Aviva’s desk chair. Chris grinned, “But right now, I need the help of my ‘partner’ in crime~”

He made sure to carefully approach the pine marten so as not to scare it away before he put on his Creature Power Suit and took Martin’s Pine Marten Power Disc out of his left pocket.

“Hey there! Li’l Marty, was it?” Chris asked the little creature as it turned to look at him, “Well I’ll need your help to get revenge on Big Marty~”

He put his gloves on. He was finally ready to enact the last part of his plan.

“Insert Pine Marten Power Disc!”

He put one gloved finger on the pine marten.

“Touch pine marten!”

He pressed the central button on his vest, and…

“Activate pine marten powers!"

The suit activated, and within seconds, he had become a pine marten.

“Haha, I finally got the chance to use pine marten powers! But I’ll have to test out the pine marten’s hunting tricks some other time. I have a more important prey to devour downstairs~”

Chris ran out the door and down the steps to the basement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He made it to the bottom of the stairs, but waited a moment before entering the basement to listen to the pure terror that found its way into Martin’s laughter.

“Did he hear me activate my Creature Power Suit?” Chris wondered before smirking, “Good.”

He finally entered the room to see Aviva holding down a hysterical Martin, but while they did hear the sound of the door opening and looked to see if he was there, they failed to look down towards the floor, where he actually was.

“Look down here~”

Aviva looked down and giggled upon both seeing him and hearing Martin shriek out a “AVIHIHIHIVA, LET ME GOHOHOHOHO!” She just ignored him and greeted Chris.

“There you are Ch- Other Chris!” she corrected herself.

“You see what my plan is now, Aviva~?”

“Sure do~ Want me to stay here, or do you want me to leave you to it?”

Chris tried to think about his response, but couldn’t hear his own thoughts over the sound of his brother’s uncontrollable laughter. Out of playful spite, he decided, “Leave him to me~”

Aviva nodded, “Okay then~ Sorry Martin, but it looks like you’ll be stuck with him for a bit longer~ See you later… if you’re still alive that is~” She released said Kratt from her grasp before walking out of the door and heading back upstairs. The whole time she was walking away, Martin was pleading for her to reconsider and help him escape, but it was futile. She and Chris had already made their decisions.

Martin’s laughter had subsided a little after the inventor left, but he still had a hard time controlling himself, especially when he looked at his younger brother sitting on the floor. Watching. Waiting there. Menacingly.

“C-Chrihihihihihs? Hellohohohoho?”

Chris leered at him, “Are you ready for the grand finale, Martin~?”

“Nohohohohoho, nohohot at ahahahahahahall!”

“Well too bad~”

The green pine marten ran over to one of the legs near the foot of the bed, climbed up it, and ran across Martin’s body to get to his neck. The whole time he ran across his brother’s torso and ribs, he dragged his tail behind him, intentionally tickling him and sending him into another fit of laughter.

“H-hehehehehehey, wahahahahahatch the taihihihihihil!”

“What do you mean? I was watching my tail!” Chris snuck up to Martin’s ear before he spoke again, “I was watching it tickle you~”

He could feel Martin shiver as he brought his now-free hands up to his ears to cover them up. Unfortunately for him, the ears were the last spot his brother had in mind.

While his hands were up and covering his ears, Chris made his way to his neck and stood dangerously close to the collar of his shirt.

He could practically feel the heat radiating off his brother’s skin as he took note of the blush that had managed to spread from Martin’s face to his neck. He saw the tips of his ears through his fingers and noticed that they even had a tinge of red on them. He didn’t know his older brother could get this flustered!

“You ready~?” He asked teasingly, knowing full well what Martin’s answer was going to be.

“N-nohohohoho! Chrihihihis, d-dohohohon’t do ihihit!”

Chris couldn’t help the smug grin that made its way onto his face, though he didn’t turn to show it to his brother, “Too bad~ Here we go~!”

He stuck his head into the collar of Martin’s shirt, slowly inching his way in. He was only a few inches in when he suddenly pulled himself out and began sniffing at the blue Kratt’s neck. Martin was in no way prepared for this sudden change and nearly let out a squeal as he desperately tried to move his head from side to side to get his brother’s face away from his neck.

“H-hehehehehehey, don’t sniff my nehehehehck!” I-I dohohohon’t smehehehell!”

“That’s not what I’m going for, Martin~ I’m just here to make you laugh, and unless you apologize for what you did to Chris today…” Chris moved down to where Martin’s blush ended on his neck and went right back to sniffing, “You better prepare yourself~”

“I-I cahahahahahahn’t!”

“You can’t apologize? And here I thought you knew basic manners~”

The green pine marten stayed at Martin’s neck for a few more seconds before the sniffing came to an end. However, while his brother had his guard down, Chris quickly zipped into his shirt and ran across his stomach over and over again.

Martin’s only response to the sneak attack was a squeal so loud that it nearly stunned Chris. While he knew that the walls of the Tortuga are rather thick, he highly doubted that Aviva, Koki, and Jimmy were unable to hear that squeal, even if they were outside of the ship.

“CHRIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIS, NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! I-I CAN’T- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Huh? What was that, Martin~? I can’t understand you, you’re laughing too hard~” Chris taunted as he kept up the pace and continued to race around on his brother’s torso. He dragged his tail behind him once again, swishing it back and forth to make it tickle even more, and even stopped running a few times to pretend to use it like a paintbrush on Martin’s navel, which nearly resulted in him getting pushed out of his shirt by his hands. It didn’t take long for Chris to notice that Martin’s squirming and pushing was gradually fading, a tell-tale sign that he was nearly at his limit.

“Ready to say sorry yet~?”

“Y-YEHEHEHEHES! YEHEHEHEHEEHS! I’M SOHOHOHOHOHORY! CHRIHIHIHIHIS, PLEAHAHAHAHAHAHASE!”

The moment Martin said sorry, Chris brought the tickles to a halt and carefully climbed out of his sibling’s shirt, doing his best to not make any of his steps tickle him any further.

“Now that wasn’t so hard, was it~?” Chris teased him one last time before he hopped off of him and onto the floor, waiting for his giggly mess of a brother to catch his breath and calm down.

“T-thahahahaht… that wahahahahs evihihihihil…!”

“Good~ That’s what I was going for~ So next time, when you try to bully your brother for an entire day, remember… I will be here to tickle you until you apologize to him for your behavior~” With that, Chris stood up, said, “Deactivate!” and reverted back to his normal appearance and personality.

“You okay, bro?” he asked and held out his hand, worried that he might have taken his tickly punishment a bit too far.

“Y-yeah…” Martin breathed out, taking his younger brother’s hand and letting himself be pulled up into a sitting position. “Just give me a few more seconds to breathe…”

After two deep breaths, he got up off of the bed and stood next to his brother, “Do you think the crew heard me squeal…?”

“Only one way to find out! Come on, let’s see if they’re upstairs!”

A light pink blush returned to Martin’s face, but nonetheless, he went upstairs with Chris into the main room of the Tortuga. When the door opened, they were greeted with the sight of Aviva waiting in front of the big computer, while Koki and Jimmy were at their desks, having turned to face the brothers.

“So…” Aviva started with a smirk, “Who’s going to explain that loud squeal we heard downstairs~?”

Martin’s blush turned a dark red, while Chris just stood there, trying to look as though he had no idea what she was talking about.

“I’m not an expert on human noises, but I don’t think that squeal belonged to any of us.”

“Certainly didn’t come from me! I’d know my own squeals anywhere!” Jimmy responded to Koki’s comment, completely unaware of the engineer creeping up behind him until he heard a, “Boo!”

“AAAAAAH!” Jimmy didn’t squeal, but he did indeed scream and bolted behind Koki and her chair. Everyone couldn’t help but laugh at his panicked reaction.

“Hehehe, I think that’s enough to prove that it wasn’t him~” She then turned her attention back to the brothers, “Sooooooo~?”

The light pink blush Martin had the entire time turned a dark red again as his embarrassment grew, and even Chris couldn’t fight the faint pink blush on his cheeks as he tried his best to play it cool and pretend that he didn’t understand her.

No one said anything for a few seconds, then the blue Kratt finally spoke up, “I-It was me… and I’ve got to admit, Chris is a surprisingly good tickler if he got me to squeal that loud!” Martin quickly regained his usual energy and peered at his brother, who just looked at him with a confused expression.

“Huh? What are you talking about, bro? I didn’t tickle you!”

Martin gave him a “you’re really doing this?” look and decided to play along, “No, that was totally you, Chris, I swear!”

“No way! I’m not as good at tickling people as you are!”

“I think I remember hearing your voice teasing me into oblivion! I’d know your voice anywhere, bro!”

“I’m not good at teasing, either! Martin, I swear, you’re confusing me with someone else!”

For a moment, Koki and Jimmy thought that they were having a genuine argument over a supposed tickle attack, but when Aviva gave them a knowing grin, they immediately caught on to what was really happening.

“Nope, that was totally you! And you know what~?” Martin’s voice turned teasy out of nowhere as he brought his hands up into Chris’s view, wiggling his fingers, “I was lying when I said I was sorry~”

“Huh? Wha-” The younger brother was initially confused before spotting the wiggly fingers that were slowing approaching him, “W-wait, Martin noooOOOOHOHOHOHO DOHHOHOHOHON’T!” He immediately cracked when he felt his older brother’s fingers on his sides, ribs, and belly. It didn’t take for him to try to fall to the floor to escape the ticklish hell that was unleashed upon him, but unfortunately, Martin had followed him down, never stopping his assault.

“Haha, revenge sure is sweet!” Martin cheered, “Okay, I was sort of lying when I said I wasn’t sorry, I did feel bad for you, but right now, I care more about getting my revenge~”

Chris could only laugh and try to curl up as he felt Martin’s hand close in on the center of his stomach, but he managed to trap his hands there instead, sealing his tickly fate.

Aviva, Koki, and Jimmy couldn’t help but laugh along as they watched the chaos unfold in front of them.

“Hehe, these boys will never change, will they~?”

#tickling #wild kratts #Giggle Rats #lee!Martin #ler!Chris #with a little bit of lee!Chris and ler!Martin at the end #featuring a very teasy Aviva #I still can't believe I did this #But I AM CRINGE AND I AM FREE #fun fact: I typed up the last 430 words of this fic on December 22nd (the day before I posted this)#and I'm posting this on December 23rd which just so happens to be Martin Kratt's birthday #Happy Birthday Martin Kratt! What's your gift? your tickle monster of a brother apparently #one more thing: Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!#this is probably going to be my only fic for 2023 #unless I finally finish that Splatoon 3 fic I was working on prior to this one #but if I don't you can expect to see that fic in 2024!#…oh shit I completely forgot that this was a collab fic #sorry fluffykitties!#If you want to see cute headcanons for games like Mr. Love or anime like Boueibu go check her out!#HELP THIS FIC WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A TITLE #It’s The Other Chris if you want to know!

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mostlysignssomeportents · 10 months

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Kickstarting a book to end enshittification, because Amazon will not carry it

My next book is The Internet Con: How to Seize the Means of Computation: it’s a Big Tech disassembly manual that explains how to disenshittify the web and bring back the old good internet. The hardcover comes from Verso on Sept 5, but the audiobook comes from me — because Amazon refuses to sell my audio:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/doctorow/the-internet-con-how-to-seize-the-means-of-computation

Amazon owns Audible, the monopoly audiobook platform that controls >90% of the audio market. They require mandatory DRM for every book sold, locking those books forever to Amazon’s monopoly platform. If you break up with Amazon, you have to throw away your entire audiobook library.

That’s a hell of a lot of leverage to hand to any company, let alone a rapacious monopoly that ran a program targeting small publishers called “Project Gazelle,” where execs were ordered to attack indie publishers “the way a cheetah would pursue a sickly gazelle”:

https://www.businessinsider.com/sadistic-amazon-treated-book-sellers-the-way-a-cheetah-would-pursue-a-sickly-gazelle-2013-10

[Image ID: Journalist and novelist Doctorow (Red Team Blues) details a plan for how to break up Big Tech in this impassioned and perceptive manifesto….Doctorow’s sense of urgency is contagious -Publishers Weekly]

I won’t sell my work with DRM, because DRM is key to the enshittification of the internet. Enshittification is why the old, good internet died and became “five giant websites filled with screenshots of the other four” (h/t Tom Eastman). When a tech company can lock in its users and suppliers, it can drain value from both sides, using DRM and other lock-in gimmicks to keep their business even as they grow ever more miserable on the platform.

Here is how platforms die: first, they are good to their users; then they abuse their users to make things better for their business customers; finally, they abuse those business customers to claw back all the value for themselves. Then, they die:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/01/21/potemkin-ai/#hey-guys

[Image ID: A brilliant barn burner of a book. Cory is one of the sharpest tech critics, and he shows with fierce clarity how our computational future could be otherwise -Kate Crawford, author of The Atlas of AI”]

The Internet Con isn’t just an analysis of where enshittification comes from: it’s a detailed, shovel-ready policy prescription for halting enshittification, throwing it into reverse and bringing back the old, good internet.

How do we do that? With interoperability: the ability to plug new technology into those crapulent, decaying platform. Interop lets you choose which parts of the service you want and block the parts you don’t (think of how an adblocker lets you take the take-it-or-leave “offer” from a website and reply with “How about nah?”):

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/07/adblocking-how-about-nah

But interop isn’t just about making platforms less terrible — it’s an explosive charge that demolishes walled gardens. With interop, you can leave a social media service, but keep talking to the people who stay. With interop, you can leave your mobile platform, but bring your apps and media with you to a rival’s service. With interop, you can break up with Amazon, and still keep your audiobooks.

So, if interop is so great, why isn’t it everywhere?

Well, it used to be. Interop is how Microsoft became the dominant operating system:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/06/adversarial-interoperability-reviving-elegant-weapon-more-civilized-age-slay

[Image ID: Nobody gets the internet-both the nuts and bolts that make it hum and the laws that shaped it into the mess it is-quite like Cory, and no one’s better qualified to deliver us a user manual for fixing it. That’s The Internet Con: a rousing, imaginative, and accessible treatise for correcting our curdled online world. If you care about the internet, get ready to dedicate yourself to making interoperability a reality. -Brian Merchant, author of Blood in the Machine]

It’s how Apple saved itself from Microsoft’s vicious campaign to destroy it:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/06/adversarial-interoperability-reviving-elegant-weapon-more-civilized-age-slay

Every tech giant used interop to grow, and then every tech giant promptly turned around and attacked interoperators. Every pirate wants to be an admiral. When Big Tech did it, that was progress; when you do it back to Big Tech, that’s piracy. The tech giants used their monopoly power to make interop without permission illegal, creating a kind of “felony contempt of business model” (h/t Jay Freeman).

The Internet Con describes how this came to pass, but, more importantly, it tells us how to fix it. It lays out how we can combine different kinds of interop requirements (like the EU’s Digital Markets Act and Massachusetts’s Right to Repair law) with protections for reverse-engineering and other guerrilla tactics to create a system that is strong without being brittle, hard to cheat on and easy to enforce.

What’s more, this book explains how to get these policies: what existing legislative, regulatory and judicial powers can be invoked to make them a reality. Because we are living through the Great Enshittification, and crises erupt every ten seconds, and when those crises occur, the “good ideas lying around” can move from the fringes to the center in an eyeblink:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/06/12/only-a-crisis/#lets-gooooo

[Image ID: Thoughtfully written and patiently presented, The Internet Con explains how the promise of a free and open internet was lost to predatory business practices and the rush to commodify every aspect of our lives. An essential read for anyone that wants to understand how we lost control of our digital spaces and infrastructure to Silicon Valley’s tech giants, and how we can start fighting to get it back. -Tim Maughan, author of INFINITE DETAIL]

After all, we’ve known Big Tech was rotten for years, but we had no idea what to do about it. Every time a Big Tech colossus did something ghastly to millions or billions of people, we tried to fix the tech company. There’s no fixing the tech companies. They need to burn. The way to make users safe from Big Tech predators isn’t to make those predators behave better — it’s to evacuate those users:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/18/urban-wildlife-interface/#combustible-walled-gardens

I’ve been campaigning for human rights in the digital world for more than 20 years; I’ve been EFF’s European Director, representing the public interest at the EU, the UN, Westminster, Ottawa and DC. This is the subject I’ve devoted my life to, and I live my principles. I won’t let my books be sold with DRM, which means that Audible won’t carry my audiobooks. My agent tells me that this decision has cost me enough money to pay off my mortgage and put my kid through college. That’s a price I’m willing to pay if it means that my books aren’t enshittification bait.

But not selling on Audible has another cost, one that’s more important to me: a lot of readers prefer audiobooks and 9 out of 10 of those readers start and end their searches on Audible. When they don’t find an author there, they assume no audiobook exists, period. It got so bad I put up an audiobook on Amazon — me, reading an essay, explaining how Audible rips off writers and readers. It’s called “Why None of My Audiobooks Are For Sale on Audible”:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/07/25/can-you-hear-me-now/#acx-ripoff

[Image ID: Doctorow has been thinking longer and smarter than anyone else I know about how we create and exchange value in a digital age. -Douglas Rushkoff, author of Present Shock]

To get my audiobooks into readers’ ears, I pre-sell them on Kickstarter. This has been wildly successful, both financially and as a means of getting other prominent authors to break up with Amazon and use crowdfunding to fill the gap. Writers like Brandon Sanderson are doing heroic work, smashing Amazon’s monopoly:

https://www.brandonsanderson.com/guest-editorial-cory-doctorow-is-a-bestselling-author-but-audible-wont-carry-his-audiobooks/

And to be frank, I love audiobooks, too. I swim every day as physio for a chronic pain condition, and I listen to 2–3 books/month on my underwater MP3 player, disappearing into an imaginary world as I scull back and forth in my public pool. I’m able to get those audiobooks on my MP3 player thanks to Libro.fm, a DRM-free store that supports indie booksellers all over the world:

https://blog.libro.fm/a-qa-with-mark-pearson-libro-fm-ceo-and-co-founder/

Producing my own audiobooks has been a dream. Working with Skyboat Media, I’ve gotten narrators like @wilwheaton, Amber Benson, @neil-gaiman and Stefan Rudnicki for my work:

https://craphound.com/shop/

[Image ID: “This book is the instruction manual Big Tech doesn’t want you to read. It deconstructs their crummy products, undemocratic business models, rigged legal regimes, and lies. Crack this book and help build something better. -Astra Taylor, author of Democracy May Not Exist, but We’ll Miss It When Its Gone”]

But for this title, I decided that I would read it myself. After all, I’ve been podcasting since 2006, reading my own work aloud every week or so, even as I traveled the world and gave thousands of speeches about the subject of this book. I was excited (and a little trepedatious) at the prospect, but how could I pass up a chance to work with director Gabrielle de Cuir, who has directed everyone from Anne Hathaway to LeVar Burton to Eric Idle?

Reader, I fucking nailed it. I went back to those daily recordings fully prepared to hate them, but they were good — even great (especially after my engineer John Taylor Williams mastered them). Listen for yourself!

https://archive.org/details/cory_doctorow_internet_con_chapter_01

I hope you’ll consider backing this Kickstarter. If you’ve ever read my free, open access, CC-licensed blog posts and novels, or listened to my podcasts, or come to one of my talks and wished there was a way to say thank you, this is it. These crowdfunders make my DRM-free publishing program viable, even as audiobooks grow more central to a writer’s income and even as a single company takes over nearly the entire audiobook market.

Backers can choose from the DRM-free audiobook, DRM-free ebook (EPUB and MOBI) and a hardcover — including a signed, personalized option, fulfilled through the great LA indie bookstore Book Soup:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/doctorow/the-internet-con-how-to-seize-the-means-of-computation

What’s more, these ebooks and audiobooks are unlike any you’ll get anywhere else because they are sold without any terms of service or license agreements. As has been the case since time immemorial, when you buy these books, they’re yours, and you are allowed to do anything with them that copyright law permits — give them away, lend them to friends, or simply read them with any technology you choose.

As with my previous Kickstarters, backers can get their audiobooks delivered with an app (from libro.fm) or as a folder of MP3s. That helps people who struggle with “sideloading,” a process that Apple and Google have made progressively harder, even as they force audiobook and ebook sellers to hand over a 30% app tax on every dollar they make:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/doctorow/red-team-blues-another-audiobook-that-amazon-wont-sell/posts/3788112

Enshittification is rotting every layer of the tech stack: mobile, payments, hosting, social, delivery, playback. Every tech company is pulling the rug out from under us, using the chokepoints they built between audiences and speakers, artists and fans, to pick all of our pockets.

The Internet Con isn’t just a lament for the internet we lost — it’s a plan to get it back. I hope you’ll get a copy and share it with the people you love, even as the tech platforms choke off your communities to pad their quarterly numbers.

Next weekend (Aug 4-6), I'll be in Austin for Armadillocon, a science fiction convention, where I'm the Guest of Honor:

https://armadillocon.org/d45/

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this thread to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/31/seize-the-means-of-computation/#the-internet-con

[Image ID: My forthcoming book 'The Internet Con: How to Seize the Means of Computation' in various editions: Verso hardcover, audiobook displayed on a phone, and ebook displayed on an e-ink reader.]

#pluralistic #trustbusting #big tech #gift guide #kickstarter #the internet con #books #audiobooks #enshitiffication #disenshittification #crowdfunders #seize the means of computation #audible #amazon #verso

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