#i can feel the hyperfixation growing
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Lucy & Cooper: Eye to Eye
A/N: So short but needed it out of my head. Vague spoilers for the end of Fallout's first season, so be aware.
L & C: Eye to Eye
Vaultie doesn’t talk much for the first couple of days.
Coop tries not to dwell on it—lot easier for him, lot safer for them, if she keeps her mouth shut. Just…well, hell, it’s one of those things that niggles at him, twitching in the back of his mind like a worm on a hook. Dumb fuckin’ fish that he is, Coop lets it draw him in.
The ghoul gives her a once-over as they settle in for the night. Blood’s still crusted on her uniform, near the corner of her mouth, some of it flecked into her hair. A mottled bruise stretches across her cheek and up over her temple, purple at its center before paling to yellows and greens on the edges. Coop knows it hurts, but Vaultie doesn’t say shit.
A noose and a prolonged stay on death’s door, dehydration, and irradiation hadn’t shut her up, but she’s sitting there, staring into the fire, all banged up and silent.
Cooper chews a sardine ponderously. There’s no taste, not anymore, just the tension of flesh and little bones giving way beneath his teeth. He grunts before sliding the rest of the tray across to her. Vaultie doesn’t take it. He clucks his tongue. “Eat when then eatin’ is good, Vaultie. Get deeper into the Wastes and…well.” he shrugs as if the silence should be all the answer she needs. And it should be, but she just goes on staring with her huge doe eyes.
“I’m not hungry.” Almost as an afterthought, she adds. “Thank you.”
“Do what you like. You’re a big girl. And I ain’t your daddy.”
The phrase jostles something in her head. Vaultie’s whole face screws up—nose scrunching, lips curling—and she opens her mouth as if to speak, only for it to snap shut. A muscle twitches in the corner of her mouth and it’s…it’s a hell of a thing.
He doesn’t see his daughter in her face…doesn’t see Barb. He’s looking in a mirror. It’s two centuries ago, and he’s staring at himself—all offended dignity as he reads something unsavory in a script or listens to a suit wax philosophical about a battlefield they’ll never see.
Vaultie must clock something about his reaction. All the stiffness leaves her posture. She just…deflates, eyes dropping. “I know that,” she says, voice soft. Not the “let me de-escalate this situation” bullshit she’d put on in Filly…just human. Very human and so tired. “I’m sorry—it was wrong of me to snap at you.”
Coop almost laughs. He holds his arms out wide instead. “No harm done.”
She goes back to her staring, back to her silence. Something howls off in the distance.
Out of nowhere, and because it’s all just fuckin’ disorienting—the silence, having somebody around again—the ghoul says, “Reckon you’ll kill him?”
“Excuse me?”
He picks nonexistent grit out of his teeth and spits. “Think you know exactly who I mean, sweetheart.” Vaultie cocks her head to the side. Firelight licks at her skin—it makes his hard lines harder, edges more jagged, but for her? She looks soft and young…a gross oversimplification. There’s steel in her eyes. Coop shrugs, flashing a smile that must look horrible. She doesn’t shrink back. “You find it offends your finer sensibilities and I’ll do it for ya.”
“No.” Her tone leaves no room for debate.
“Vaultie, that’s not a word I’m in the habit of hearing.”
“It’s Lucy,” she corrects. “And I…said what I said.” The girl hugs her arms around herself. “He’s still my dad. I don’t want him…” Vau..Lucy pauses. Her brow furrows, “...Well, I guess I don’t know what I want yet. But…I have time.”
“Less and less of it every day.”
She screws up her nose again. “Maybe. But it’s my choice.” It’s the damnedest thing: the words just hang there for a second, silence broken by the crackle of the fire. And then she seems to actively register what she’s said. It’s Lucy MacLean’s choice. She smiles and nods—brilliant and bloodied and somehow still clean. “But…thank you for offering.”
Like he’s suggested giving up his seat on the bus and not filling her daddy full of lead. Fuckin’ Vaulties…Coop shakes his head, “Anytime, sweetheart.”
#fallout#lucy maclean#cooper howard#the ghoul#fallout tv#fallout spoilers#fallout fanfic#lucy maclean x cooper howard#dunno that I should tag it as shippy it really isn't#i can feel the hyperfixation growing
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every time i see a character who used to be/is very violent but has hobbies like gardening, or bonsai, or anything like that i lose my fucking shit dude. like oh these hands drenched in blood have the capacity to raise life from the soil? to touch the tender heart of earth and draw forth something beautiful from it? they have the patience and the kindness to bring something good into the world rather than taking from it? it doesn't come naturally to them because they are made to be rough and not gentle but they take the time to learn anyway? to nurture? to care? haha thats so funny dude thats so cool. hope this thematically doesnt make me explode into a million little pieces if i think about it too long
#briarborealisart#tropes#writing#characters#fanfic#ughhjh idk if anyone knows about that one silverwing15 fic#about the watermelons#and its a modern foster au and tommy grows watermelons and its an extended metaphor for healing from trauma#CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME#this is also the impetus behind me making#kiska#a farmer in addition to a holy warrior#dsmp#this is also how i feel about any ctechno fic that talks about the farming hyperfixation in this light#EAT ROCKS
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I have entered the last rotation of my 20s This time next year I will be officially old lolol
#its my 29th birthday#that feels like such a fake number#excited to not grow up at all in the next year#happy 29th to my birthday twin Madeline Petsch#i remember how fucking excited i was to learn my fave riverdale character and i share a birthday#feels very kismet that riverdale is almost over and i can finally be set free from the show i once was so hyperfixated on#very full circle
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God I hate Pinterest and I really need to stop reading the comments on literally any post on there
I just saw someone straight up say they’re afraid that show fans who haven’t read the books are going to take over and dominate the fandom and they’re afraid that their memories of the books are going to get overridden by memories of the show because of new show fans, and that’s a good reason to gatekeep.
Like okay, just say you’re a party pooper and go home.
Yeah this is about Percy Jackson but I’m not gonna tag it as that cause I don’t wanna get hunted for sport
#i say this as someone who read the books repeatedly as a kid#like was full on autistic hyperfixated on these books and would read one book in 2 days#and when i finished blood of olympus i would start back over and read from the lightning thief#i’m not exaggerating when i say i think i read each book at least 12 times#these books were so very important to me and i would not be the person i am today without them#and i have zero sympathy for people who want to gatekeep the story from people who didn’t read the books#like sorry i have real problems#and what exactly do you think you’re accomplishing beyond making someone’s day a little worse?#acting like there’s some pure pristine way to experience the story? give me a break#you can love one version of this story and let other people love another version#it took me a while to see that because i was a teenager who liked being angry but that includes the movies too#do i like the movies? not really#but there are people who do and in the end i don’t gain anything by shaming them#god there are some people who treat popular book series like the fucking bible#like it’s some moral crusade they have to go on to defend them from heretics who like the wrong version of the story#grow up and let people enjoy things#*this rant is not aimed at the children saying shit like this#*y’all will grow up and hopefully be more mature about what hills are worth dying on#*this is for the grown ass adults who act like it’s their sacred duty to shit on any changes made from the books#*and if it offends you then you probably need to take a step back and look at why you feel so threatened by other people enjoying things
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What is it with skip to loafer ALWAYS managing to make me feel inexplicable things with all the cuteness???
#let's go for thoughts on ep 3#this is gonna be a mess#another one#haase babbles#starting with NAO being a perfect queen in like just 3 secs#sousuke keeps being really cute and sensible?? quero colocar ele num potinho MEU DEUS#oh and the opening#it's like it gets better each time!!!#yuzu and mako well I can feel a hyperfixation coming ٩(˘◡˘)۶#mitsumi also keeps being a precious little thing so nice to see her growing and making friends#I'm still SO curious with the whole sousuke thing that we got at ep 2 ending#and still don't really get egashira#(but look at that this was shorter than I thought)#thanks if you read this key smash anyway#skip to loafer
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it genuinely makes me so happy to see people's dedication to their random favorite fictional character like yes, please show me the itabag you've made for an obscure video game character from 2006, please show me your shrine that you've dedicated to your favorite anime boy, please tell me about how your comfort character brings you so much joy!!!!!! I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#it makes me feel happy#because it's like#we all have different favorite characters but we're all connected by our extreme devotion for them#and also it makes me mad when people hate on it#'what a waste of money' 'i bet theyre gonna grow out of it' 'this is why you don't have any friends'#like first of all hyperfixations are caused by something you can't control#and second of all people who indulge in their faves are happier than you will ever be#and even if it isn't caused by some kind of hyperfixation#let people be happy....... just let people enjoy the things they want to enjoy#let people spend their hard earned money how they wish to spend it#I just don't understand how people can see others who are happy and say something negative#sorry had to get this out of my system
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when the weed starts tasting like the realization that I'm still deeply lonely and I'll never be loved how I need and it's selfish of me to even want it
#I'm kind of such a pathetic person jesus christ#maybe I'm in love with him. maybe I'm just deeply lonely#either way jesus christttt grow up get over it oh my god#kind of is it abnormal to feel like I've slept through the past multiple months of my life#and wake up realizing there's a hole in my chest that can never be filled and a crack in my head that can never be mended#hole in chest = deep wrenching desire for connection. crack in head = inability to keep up with my daily life#god I'm so whiny literally get over it is it ever that serious. oh elliott. is it ever really that bad.#thinking abt that time I thought that if I drank enough I could be uninhibited enough to ask for physical affection#and then spent 3 hrs throwing up. erm. not my proudest moment#kind of need to get so fucked up I get taken care of again. kind of need to be cradled in someone's arms#<- most annoying person on the planet oh my god. I hate u ppl who yearn online literally grow uppp u sound pathetic#need someone to study me. need someone to know me inside and out. need someone to be interested in hearing every thought I've ever had#need to be treated like god's specialest little princess. need to be someone's hyperfixation.#okay I've reached self-parody levels. it's bedtime#narcissus's echoes#vent
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not finishing this lol. fucking hate ms paint for crashing on me. anyways. idk. great how the only art I have the energy for anymore is shitty ms paint doodles. what happened man
#actual sugar post#sugar art trash#maybe I’m degrading#bc nowadays it feels like the only things I can do are what I’m forced to do to survive#my life is so empty without creativity. but I can’t will myself to create anymore#everything is so monotonous now. I’m jealous of other people with adhd who sacrifice their well being to hyperfixate on art for hours#because all I can do is lay in bed#it’s not like I can feed myself or clean up properly either#all i can do nowadays is a bit of homework and waste away in bed#it gets worse every year. I can do less every year#what happened to me#maybe I’m degrading. I know people who are actively degrading#their doctors tell them they won’t be able to live alone when they grow up#maybe that’s me#ms paint#unfinished art#vent#idk#burnout#neurodivergent#actually neurodivergent#actually autistic#autism stuff
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made the decision to start watchign supernatural. i am on episode 15. i fear this was a mistake...
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I’m learning how to drabble up oneshots folks, be proud of meeee.
#I need this#a quick fix#to help with the hyperfixations#so i can focus on my multichapter fics#I feel like I'm growing...
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fully intended and foreseen consequence of coping better with my anxiety is that this blog will at some point inevitably become More Cringe and that point is SO close on the horizon. if you get mad at me for posting things i like on my blog that is for me you clearly have more issues than i do for worrying abt that possibility for hours on end
#its tumblr were all cringe here. fucking grow up or leave genuinely#also i literally tag everything im into + trigger tags too. block tags or just unfollow me theres no hard feelings i prommy#anyway. ive been falling back into creepypasta which ive mentioned before i was super into as a teen! fun stuff#i love that the fandom is still alive and doing fun new stuff :') theres such good art out there!! and character interpretations!!!!#and ive also gotten really into league lore over the past few months actually. the arcane fixation has morphed#basically it went 'this character looks cool whats their deal. whats this region like. oh another neat character lets look into that'#and then suddenly i know too much™️ bc hyperfixations for me are about gathering information and stories like a raccoon#i have FEELINGS about it. post probably incoming soon abt that#and BRIAR!! shes a little gremlin i kind of love her already#levi.txt#will i delete this in the morning? lets see#but for real tho. im doing really good lately. things arent perfect but i feel like a person for once#i can talk to strangers without acting like a trapped prey animal! it turns out im fucking funny actually! people like my jokes#im SLEEPING again. regularly. that was an issue for nearly a year and im doing ok again (not perfect but hey! ~8hrs!!)#i can just. sit around in public now and not feel like im on a hidden camera show where everyone is judging the way i breathe#slowly switching from self deprecation 'i want to die' jokes to 'im literally gods favourite prince and the hottest bitch alive'#i still get really nervous but it doesnt feel like a personal flaw and it doesnt feel insurmountable anymore#so yeah naturally thats going to come with (hopefully) a lot less shame around things that i like#just asking kindly that people are normal abt it. this is me thriving i guess
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Uhhhhhhhh be ready for a Shadows House spamming session y'all
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There's absolutely no shame in loving stories no matter how old you are, of course, but there's also no shame in losing your love for a story that you used to love.
There's no shame in moving past an old favorite, it's okay to no longer be reading fics for the thing nor feel particularly excited about seeing posts talking about it, there's nothing wrong with not really caring anymore, other than a vague nostalgic "ah yes, that old thing" feeling.
It's okay to move on. It's okay to grow past something, and it has nothing to do with age, but rather with time. Every story has its time and place. Some stories stay with you until your dying day; others resurrect after years of quiet.
And others just get... left behind. Something to look back on fondly, perhaps, but never really in your life anymore.
And that's okay.
#hi this is a letter addressed to my grief over Inuyasha#but honestly anyone can reblog it; I think it fits for a lot of people#be it a childhood fave or a teenaged obsession or even a recent hyperfixation that suddenly vanished#most of my 'faves' are just more.... tempered now (ie Disney and Harry Potter)#but I still get PASSIONATE about them or have passionate discussions about them#and I definitely still squee over other beloved anime titles and couples#but for some reason.... my lukewarm feeling for Inuyasha hurts the most#so this is to all you fans out there grieving for the loss of the love you had for something dear to you#it's okay to move on it's okay to recognize that your old fave had its place but now it's time to shelve it#Starling ramblings#fandom stuff#anime#Inuyasha#Harry Potter#Disney#(it's ironic that I can 'grow past' the likes of Inuyasha but still shamelessly adore Disney movies and Harry Potter lmao)#that's why I say it has nothing to do with age but rather TIME#some things stick with you no matter how old you get; others come and go
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the only person who was actually right about the world and human nature was Max striner everyone else is a fucking moron
Striner? I hardly know 'er!
Anyways, I'm not a philosophy expert. I'm just some guy. I like the egoist belief that there isn't a universal moral truth. I like the absurdist belief that, because nothing matters, we should be radically sincere. I like the christian belief in a place without suffering after this life. I like the Universal Random Number Generator idea my therapist and I talk about
All of them have their flaws though. Egoism gets used to condemn social movements and civil rights advocacy. Absurdism and the RNG can create a sense of existential dread and a loss of motivation. Christianity encourages the loss of identity and free will
I'm just some psych student with a weird ass therapist that understands my weird ass brain. He encouraged me to look into absurdism since I took a class on absurdist literature my freshman year of college and he said I might enjoy looking into the actual philosophy. And I do! At least a lot of it! I like the idea of a chaotic universe and us humans trying our best to control it. I like the idea of letting that go and living authentically instead of with a direct purpose. There's chaos and mayhem and entropy and I'm just here to react to it. And I can react in ways that makes others happier if I wanted just because I can
Egoism/egotism feels too disconnected from the human need to connect to me. It traps me into that feeling that doing something good for someone is selfish if you're doing it to feel good. I'm actively working to get out of that spiral Christianity put me in now
I don't know, though, anon. I'm just some college student with an ex-christian tumblr blog and a lot of trauma. I like to believe there's some Universe-sized Abstract Computer with a random number generator that causes the chaos we call home. I skim wiki pages and reddit posts and decided if I want to engage any further/look for textbooks. I could possibly be looking at the wrong page about the wrong philosophy. I'm honestly just on this earthly plane for the bit
#if y'all are into philosophy I encourage y'all to look into it still just because it's interesting#As I understand it egoism/egotism is the belief that you only control one's own actions and awareness#and that all actions done by one's self is meant to benefit their own well-being#For me it sends me into a guilt spiral of worrying I'm not a good person because I feel good making others happy#because that would be selfish and that would make me bad actually#all of which I know if black and white thinking and we're all a little selfish sometimes. it's good for us#Im just not at a place where I can really dive into that#Im a fan of absurdism because of my commitment to the bit#It's essentially the idea that the universe is chaotic and life doesn't matter/there's no purpose to life#And you can respond by finding a higher power/religion/purpose. endgame. or live life pushing against the chaos#Modern absurdism gives further options but I haven't quite learned enough to fully explain them yet#And given the nature of my blog I obviously didn't like religion nor am I secretly a ghost#So I like the idea of having no actual purpose I have to follow (like being christ like)#but this belief is also not for everyone. it's known to cause existential dread and crises#I loved absurdist literature though. My favorite is Beckett's plays they're so fuckin funny in a dark way#I love finding humor and committing to the bit in times of stress. That's essentially what this blog is lol#also there's 750 of y'all now that's fucking wild#anyways I hope y'all enjoyed my ramblings about philosophy since it's been a bit of a growing hyperfixation lol#don't take this as a conversion attempt I actively am saying don't look into these things unless you enjoy philosophy#If y'all really like my absurdism rambles tho I'll write more about it but only if y'all ask. i'm not tryna influence y'all lol#ex christian#religious trauma#ask tag
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MY LITTLE SISTER GOT ENGAGED!!!
#!!!!#wedding in 2024!#i'll probably share MOH duties with her best friend!!!#she lives in her city so she'll prolly do the what's needed there and i'll be doing art and decoration stuff#oh my god i can't wait to go dress shopping#i can't wait for everything#i can feel a new hyperfixation starting to grow...#internal monologue
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Man, I'm still bothered by DTAMHD last night. Afterwards, I had to watch MFHP (I watched the dance 3 times) just to remind myself that once upon a time, Sunny actually took serious risks for character growth. Like, i just sat there, crying with my wine, saying "Remember when they fucking did that".
I hoped it would make me feel better about the prospect of Dennis' possible growth in the far off future, but honestly, the more I ruminate on it, the less invested I feel. Dennis isn't going to get that moment. I think RCG have related Dennis too much to their shitty fans (you know which ones I'm talking about), that they've decided he gets no emotional relief. (Which is so fucking counterproductive and harmful, because we are fucking constrained by a patriarchy that is getting worse and more controlling, filled with men who Dennis embodies, and it's just going to get even worse until those assholes get therapy.) Point being, giving up on Dennis' character growth will mean more harm than good for Sunny.
I literally woke up in a bad mood thinking about watching the ep last night. I even took today off (because it's my bday) to re-watch and analyze. But I just can't get myself to. I've rewatched every single episode of S16, at least 3 times each (even TGGB-which was painful), but I'm too letdown to watch DTAMHD a second time.
Maybe I'm coming across as a bit dramatic, but DTAMHD just confirmed my biggest fear that Dennis will never get that same chance to grow. His character is who he is, and he won't ever be held accountable for his actions, and he'll never acknowledge the fucked up trauma that he's gone through.
Great! Thanks, I hate it. Worst birthday present ever.
#iasip spoilers#iasip s16#macdennis shit takes a back seat in this. Dennis is a tragic character & I just didn’t want to believe that this is it for him.#Question: has anyone here ever felt themselves slowly lose investment in a fave character's arc?#like RCG really did something with DTAMHD. because i can actually feel my hyperfixation begin to wither and die.#i never wanted to expect macden. but this was some next level for me. like just fucking forget Dennis as a character.#what made sunny so special to me was delving into these flawed ppl & acknowledging that they're products of a fucked up upbringing#Mac came out to his dad. Charlie faced the death & abandonment of his dad. but Dennis? he daydreams & it lowers his blood pressure???#one of these is not like the other.#also. is the ep enjoyable? Yes. Did RCG just give sunnyblr a slap & laugh in our faces? also yes.#there's been hype for a Dennis' arc for a while.especially for S16.then we get a Dennis centered ep. about mental health & it's the finale?#and then that's what they gave to us? an 'it was all a dream' delusion from a man that is already too protected by the narrative to grow#i sincerely don't care how long it takes for S17. if Sunny got canceled. i would probably laugh & say yeah. DTAMHD should be the finale.#it's a very dudebro ending & that's what Sunny is catering to.#haven’t been this upset post finale since TGGTH:P2 aired.Mac going back in the closet really bothered me.DTAMHD left me w/the same feeling#i remember almost giving up on Sunny when Mac jumped back in the closet. no point getting invested in character arcs. same message
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