#i call myself gay and bisexual because i have a very complex experience due to being trans + a bit of my past | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hellomynameisbisexual · 2 years

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After waking up naked and hungover in the beds of countless men in college, I began to wonder if maybe I…wasn’t straight. (Reasonable!) I knew I loved women—dating them, having sex with them, connecting with them emotionally—so being gay didn’t seem right. So 12 years ago, while sitting in my sophomore dorm, I turned to the holder of all knowledge: Google. I searched for “bisexual man,” which didn’t reveal much beyond studies about gay/bisexual men and HIV, and an off-hand listicle arguing that male bisexuality was, in fact, real. (No kidding.) There wasn’t much else.

If you Google “bisexual man” today, you’ll find hundreds of articles pertaining to bisexuality. In fact, if you expand your search to just “bisexuality,” you’ll find thousands more. These articles aren’t just attempting to justify our existence; they discuss the nuances of bi identity—how to date as a bi person, how to come out as bi, how to know if you’re bi, and where to find a bi community.

There are also countless celebrities now proudly claiming bi or pansexual labels—Stephanie Beatriz, Willow Smith, Janelle Monae, and Aubrey Plaza, to name a few. For the love of God, Susan Sarandon just came out as bi. (Would I like to see more male celebrities coming out as bi? Yes, so I’m going to have to get famous myself.)

Media representation has also gotten stronger and more serious. We’re no longer depicted as morally dubious weirdos or the punch-lines of jokes. Instead, we're given complex bi characters in shows like Big Mouth, the new Gossip Girl, The Sandman, Sense8, Harley Quinn, and so many more. There was even a show called The Bisexual on Hulu in 2018.

In some arenas, we are in the heyday of bisexual visibility, and I, for one, am living. For the first time ever, women aren’t refusing to date me because I’m bisexual—they want to date me because I’m bisexual! But to be honest, I'm still not satisfied (even though I now get laid significantly more often—bless).

“Sadly, many people still believe that bisexuality doesn’t exist or that bisexuality is a character flaw—a wishy-washy failure to commit to one gender—rather than a commitment to embrace our whole selves," says Robyn Ochs, activist for bisexual visibility and editor of Bi Women Quarterly. “While we have made great strides, we are not yet visible enough. We still have very basic educational work to do.”

Of course, Ochs is right. We haven’t solved biphobia, and bi people still have the worst mental health outcomes of any sexuality by nearly every single metric, including higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts than both gay and straight folks, according to Current Sexual Health Reports. This is largely due to the double discrimination bi people face by not feeling welcomed or like part of either straight or gay communities, causing us to feel alone and isolated.

That aside, it's important to recognize that we are in (forgive me) unprecedented territory—where we can promote bi visibility while simultaneously moving beyond it, and where we can work to more directly address some of the issues plaguing our community. Visibility isn’t a cure-all. It’s just the first step in any movement, and yes, bi people are having a goddamn movement!

Visibility essentially says: Look, we’re real! You need to treat us with some damn respect. It also helps people realize they’re not alone, that they have a community. Given the aforementioned higher rates of mental health issues for bi people, community is essential. But seeing yourself on screen or reading about someone else’s experience doesn’t automatically transport you to a room full of bi people trying to make friends and find romantic partners. There is a large gap between bisexual visibility and bisexual community. Since I don’t think scientists are on the brink of discovering the key to human teleportation, we’re going to have to create and attend bi spaces ourselves in order to feel less alone. We, the bi people of the world, are going to have build bi communities.

“After visibility comes bi life,” Ian Lawrence-Tourinho, executive director of the American Institute of Bisexuality, says. “We’re not so easy to erase anymore, as much as some will try, there are just too many of us out in the open.”

Right now, bi communities are predominantly online. We have bisexual Reddit, bi Twitter, and my favorite, bisexual TikTok (or BiTok). Using hashtags, we can find and connect with other bi folks around the world, which is wonderful and how I’ve met many of my own bi friends. But it’s time for bi people to move away from the internet (and digital spaces) and actually exist in the real world. We need physical bi spaces.

We need bisexual bars! I want a queer place where I can bring my queer girlfriend and feel comfortable making out with her without gay men judging me for erroneously believing we’re a straight couple co-opting their space. (For what it’s worth, I get why gay men are protective of their spaces, but like, shit, where am I supposed to go? A straight bar? I’d rather die.)

We need bisexual sex clubs! At every queer sex party I’ve been to, I’ve only ever seen women hooking up with women, and men…also hooking up with women. Which, fine! But men should feel empowered to hook up with all genders—in raunchy positions, no less! I want a safe place where my boyfriend, girlfriend, theyfriend, and I can all go to town on each other. As it is now, it feels like sex clubs either cater to gay men exclusively or to a very straight clientele (e.g., men aren’t allowed down in the play section unless accompanied by a woman)—they are fundamentally not inclusive of bisexual folks.

Of course, we also need sober, non-sexual places for bi people. Hello, bisexual rock climbing meet-ups! Bisexual people are obsessed with rock climbing. Why? Unclear. Personally, I’m a grown-ass man who has better things to do than climb rocks, but I’m in the minority of bi folks. I’ve accepted that. So let’s give the bi people what they want!

Maybe you’re not a rock climbing bisexual, but instead, you’re a Dungeons and Dragons bisexual. (Don’t you dare make a “Why not both?” joke!) Why not D&D meet-ups where bi folks can bring everyone in their polycule and nerd the fuck out?

"LGBTQIA+ spaces are often dominated by gay people, in particular gay men,” Vaneet Mehta, author of the forthcoming book Bisexual Men Exist, says. “And while you’d hope that they would be more accepting of bisexuality, they often do not understand or support others in the [bi] community.”

So let's make our own damn spaces. Any bi person can work to create a safe bi space, even those who work traditional nine-to-five jobs. I know this, as I actually threw a massive sex party (over 170 attendees) in Brooklyn, New York called BISLUT. Since I hadn’t been to a sex club that felt genuinely bisexual for all genders, I threw a party for bi men and their admirers. At the risk of tooting my own horn, everyone has been and continues to be absolutely obsessed with it—not just because of the sex, though the sex was awesome, but because bi people were in a safe space surrounded by other bi folks where they could express their sexuality fully and be their most authentic selves.

“Like people of any sexuality, most bis want to have fun, meet each other, and have friends who ‘get’ them,” says Lawrence-Tourinho. “And let’s be honest, we want to have exciting, fulfilling sex and love lives.”

A loving, supportive, and fun bisexual community is what comes after bi visibility. Not only can this type of community improve mental health outcomes, but it can also encourage more bi folks to come out and embrace who they are. Countless studies have indicated how much better life can get once you embrace your sexuality, but there’s a caveat: Queer folks need to have friends, community, and support in coming out. If you lose your friends, your family and your home as a result, your mental health only deteriorates. Safe, physical spaces to foster community can be game-changers in helping bi people come out safely.

These spaces may even help decrease rates of homelessness in the bisexual community. For bi youth who get displaced or kicked out after coming out, safe spaces are essential for finding support.

Am I dreaming big here? Maybe. But why the hell not? By giving people the opportunity to be themselves, we might unknowingly raise the next President of the United States, or the next Lady Gaga, or the next bisexual icon.

Sign me up. My fellow bis: Let’s get to work.

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flvshlights · 5 years

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courtney eaton. 24. genderfluid. they & them. the front bottoms. | i can’t believe i just saw LUCINDA “LUKE” ARCHULETTA walking out of cadence records. they’re the GUITAR & LEAD VOCAL from the INDIE ROCK group WE TRIED USING A BAND NAME GENERATOR who have been in the industry for SIX YEARS. the tabloids love to focus on their ALOOF nature , but they’re also pretty HONEST and they seem to give off a vibe that reminds people of TYING FLANNELS AROUND YOUR WAIST, NEVER BEING WARM ENOUGH, PLAYING AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR IN A SHARP TUXEDO, CLAIMING YOU DON’T SMOKE MARIJUANA WHEN YOU DO, THE COMFORT AT THE BOTTOM OF A SWIMMING POOL.

she started talking backwards , but nothing good it brings her. so the next time that she sees him, it’ll be peace sign + middle finger. to listen as you read.

listen i always say i’ll stick with one muse and that never happens so i’ll just skip the part here where i berate myself for being weAK and instead introduce u to lukey-pookie here !! they’re a very new muse ( while also combining some essences of other muses of mine ) since normally i pick from a premade roster of my own ocs and normally use courtney for a... very different character but 1.) i’m gay and 2.) i love the front bottoms so HERE WE GO !

tws : depression, divorce, arrest, drug usage / overdose

HISTORY

So Luke was born to a regular working class family in Wilmington, Delaware - they have some relation with the famous DuPont family that built their name there, but don’t have anything to show for it since a few generations ago Luke’s great grandmother cut off the rest of her family and now they don’t speak. So Archuletta it is.

Their mom worked a typical 9-5 job and their dad was an aspiring painter - but he was always... sick. Not sick in the physical sense, no - sick in the fact he never was himself. Sick in way that Luke always thought he was so tired and sad and nothing could ever cheer him up, and they rarely spent much time with him due to his tendencies to keep to himself. So that led to an early divorce between him and Luke’s mother when they were about six years old.

So Luke’s life was relatively normal. Maybe even too normal for them. And they’d try and put themselves out there - even joining musical theatre in attempts to try and find “their group.” Musical theatre was where they’d meet Krista.

A beautiful girl who had a passion for Broadway, booze, and marijuana - she’d become Luke’s greatest friend, and even taking Luke to meet their friends she hung out with regularly after class. But they weren’t the kids you’d want to bring home to hang out with in your parents’ house. No, in fact - they were the opposite.

Bad things, those friends did - well - bad ( or rather, illegal ) things, and Luke followed along. Such as smoking pot and getting caught for it, spraypainting and defiling public areas, maybe getting into a fight or two. In an effort to fit in, Luke would do the same - but they faced the consequences they’d never thought - considering those kids seemed invincible. Untouchable.

Setting off fireworks from the roof of an abandoned building it a bad idea. Getting arrested the cops is an even worse idea. Your friends running off before they can get caught, leaving you alone to wait for your mom to pick you up... The worst idea.

Nobody came to check on them after that.

Not even Krista.

But the next day, Luke hung out with them like nothing was wrong, following that crowd still - and it’d only reach a breaking point when they were sixteen and had to call the ambulance since Luke found Krista in the bathroom of a party unconscious due to overdose. And thank god she survived -

And there they were again, without many friends since Krista was seemingly the only person who even came close to genuinely liking them and everyone else, they barely knew anything about. And Luke would grow, finishing high school and clinging to the only other friend they had since childhood - being convinced to write out their issues since by NOW, Luke maybe turned out a bit more cynical than they used to be.

Writings of prose and poetry turned to translating that to music - and that would be the beginning of their new life: We Tried Using A Band Name Generator.

ABOUT ‘WE TRIED’:

‘We Tried Using A Band Name Generator’ - or more conveniently just referred to as ‘We Tried’ is probably Luke’s pride and joy. It was their friend’s idea for them to originally write out how they felt - and they mutually came up with the decision to try and write songs out of that.

A small band from Wilmington didn’t seem like it was going to get notice, and it took a little while, sure - it started with an EP titled Slow Dance to Soft Rock ( 2013 ) that made Cadence turn their way. Since the indie community definitely liked the acoustic sounds paired with raw, blunt, honest emotions pushed out in songs like The Beers and Swimming Pool. And that was when they got signed.

The first album they’d release would be six months later - self-tilted, We Tried Using A Band Name Generator. They didn’t have too much of a following at the time, but they were making good momentum enough to convince them to keep going.

Things were going so well, in fact, that during touring, Luke & their best friend / drummer actually attempted dating since - there had to be a reason they worked so well together. There had to be SOME feelings. But a million arguments later and stressful tours, overall mentally testing experiences, pushing out an EP called Rose which was as amazing as it was tacing to complete... they couldn’t do it. It was thought that when their best friend left the group in early 2016, it was thought that everyone’s new favorite indie rock group was done for.

And... Luke couldn’t let that happen. It was selfish, too, in the sense that We Tried was their biggest method of release and comfort. So instead of just giving up, they got off from tour and IMMEDIATELY hit the studio for recording and song-writing.

The product of a few months of straight work would result in their 2016 album , Talon of the Hawk - all songs pulling experiences from the split between them and their drummer to their experiences with Krista in high school.

Au Revoir/Adios was 100% written the day after their ex-drummer left.

Another year of touring and thankfully, four more members joined the group - producing the EP Needy When I’m Needy as a sneak peak of what was new to come. A few months later , a surprise album called Back on Top would come out.

The next three years would work well - with the band releasing another EP titled Ann and the inklings sprinkled of the next album - Going Grey.

SO IN CASE THAT WAS TOO COMPLEX BC I RAMBLE... again, general timeline:

February 2013: Release of Slow Dance to Soft Rock

March 2013: We Tried is signed to Cadence

August 2014: Release of Self-Titled.

September 2014: Both members of We Tried start dating.

July 2015: Release of Rose.

December 2015: Nearing the end of touring, We Tried’s drummer quits and the pair breaks up. Touring officially ends later that month.

January 2016: Luke Archuletta announces they’ll be taking time to focus on a brand new album.

August 2016: Release of the rushed but extremely well-received Talon of the Hawk.

July 2017: We Tried introduces four new members.

October 2017: Release of Needy When I’m Needy.

March 2018: Release of the surprise album Back on Top.

January 2019: Release of the EP Ann, paired with the announcement production of the next album will begin soon.

March: Two songs - Peace Sign & You Used to Say (Holy Fuck) are released to tease Going Grey.

July 2018: Release of Going Grey.

SO YOU CAN SORT OF TELL THE TIMELINE IS SPEEDY - because that’s a big part of how Luke sort of... overworks themselves and hyperfocuses on their music. Especially since ever since their first drummer left, they haven’t let go of the idea they can only rely on themselves.

BUT MORE ABOUT THE BAND - We Tried’s aesthetic is sort of The Front Bottoms mixed with the Young Veins - Luke’s especially fond of showing up in suits, vests, etc. despite the normally blunt & uncouth content of the songs.

There is literally always something being made. Luke can’t sleep without having something in the works.

And... yeah that’s it honestly it’s rly just TFB but with a TWIST!

ABOUT LUKE

5′10, genderfluid bisexual bby who honestly just wants a nap

SOOOO yes, Luke’s a very chill individual but chill in the sense that... they just. Don’t care. Except when it comes to their work - then they work the hardest they can on that shit and have to pay attention to every little detail.

They’re still not actually sure if they have any talent - musical theater never seemed to work out, so why is a band doing that??

But they do have one thing down pat - directing. All of We Tried’s videos have so far been directed by Luke, save for a few.

This comes from Luke’s longtime adoration of film and cinema, from the perspective of an observer and a director.

They DO have a tendency to be a little... clingy and aloof at the same time. They’re always worried about being in the position of trying to keep a band of only one person alive again but also they don’t really notice they can other people to do things for them now.

They’re independent to a fault, in that case.

And also now finally getting a hang of not falling into peer pressure since it’s just made them cynical and aloof from people now.

They’re v grateful for their bandmates tho!! Don’t get me wrong, they love them!

Luke’s more of someone who communicates their appreciation through gestures and actions than words - setting a blanket on you while you sleep, getting new drumsticks if you broke yours, making coffee in the morning when you’ve forgotten. That kind of stuff.

They don’t get a lot of sleep for the sole reason they sort of have tendencies to keep themselves awake just... thinking. Luke thinks a lot. Luke’s actually wack-levels of intelligent, and it does show in their music save for when they’re making odd comments and obscure references.

Luke talks about tattoos a lot, but they’re actually barren since they’re afraid of needles.

They also don’t drink, but they do smoke marijuana. But they’ll never admit to it - ...like TFB even though they have a MILLION songs that mention recreational use of the drug.

They sort of don’t really know where their purpose is, still - and that does lead them into a depression of their own, much like their father. They don’t talk to him and their mother that much nowadays - considering, the dream was always that Luke be a lawyer or a doctor and not the crass musician that they are.

They’re lowkey a fucking comedian but in the dry, deadpan humor sense. Most of their interviews consist of them making some joke that either takes a little while for the interviewer to get or one that makes the room silent for a quick minute. Or, even worse, they’re taken seriously.

Despite this aloofness, though, they actually thrive on being around other people. They’re sort of relearning how to accept that, though, since again, they’ve been shelling themselves up in their own work for quite some time.

Also lowkey a bit of a flirt bt u didn’t hear that from me

Rides a motorcycle partially to look cool and also... bc they have the song ‘Motorcycle’ which was about them. Trying to learn how to ride a motorcycle so it just kind of stuck.

They’ve got another talent in dancing, since they took ballet classes throughout middle school to high school - but had to quit after they got arrested. Shame.

Their one dream was to be Ariel in the Broadway production of The Little Mermaid when they were younger since... they also love the sea and Disney Princesses so much secretly, but they’ve sort of given up on that.

Their love for the sea’s also because of where they’re from - Delaware beaches are beautiful and were Luke’s happy place back then.

Most of their loves and interests are sprinkled in their songs, in that case - Delaware scenery, references of Disney films, etc.

They’re a very... complex individual. But god I lOVE them.

WCs

THE DRUMMER. PLS GIVE ME THE DRUMMER. I HAV IT ON THE MAIN... PLS GIVE ME THE OG DRUMMER THAT LEFT AND NOW HAS A SOLO CAREER OR IS IN ANOTHER BAND ELSEWHERE. PLS.

also the current bandmates. that would b. cool.

if ppl from luke’s old squad can show up now w/ their own careers... that would b. cool.

kids who they went to high school with that r surprised where they are now.

enemies in the music scene who don’t like luke or we tried for a multitude of reasons

maybe they think luke’s secretly a conceited dick underneath the ‘distant mysterious songwriter’ schtick

mayBBEEEE they think the nature of we tried’s songs are some sort of keep gimmick to try and cash in on being ‘casual’ and ‘relatable’

maybe they just don’t like the damn band i mean. yeah.

any reason. pls.

hook-ups bc i’ll b honest they are... a bit of a flirt. let luke serenade u w/ shit like “historic cemetery” cowards,

a rebound sort of?? probably very short-lived, but i can see luke wanting to get their mind off from their ex/drummer leaving and falling fast into another relationship - and that wouldn’t work out bc of it.

i’d also lov a plot where maybe sb discovers luke’s talent for dancing bc they do it for recreational purposes semi-often now??

maybe they can attend a class together or smth

or they just do it for fun at luke’s place

idk this cld go anywhere n it’s honestly adorable

ppl that they befriend who they can just. take back to delaware one day.

or even ppl they just hang out with to relive the ‘good ol days’

trips to the beach

buying store bought fireworks n setting them off

going on camping trips n shit

i’d lov a plot where there’s one person who just thinks luke is like... a MYSTERY and they just get closer and closer in attempts to try and figure that mystery out

also 100% open to brainstorming! i’ll actually get 2 interacting tmr bc it’s 2:30 AM nearly here n i want to sleep so yeah! chances are tho if u like this i’ll message u for plotting!! again if u want my discord - hmu @ rocky lynch lovebot / hylia.#0329. :^)

i love the front bottoms so much

#* &. abt / ☆ ❛ ɪᴛ's ɴᴏ ʙɪɢ sᴜʀᴘʀɪsᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴜʀɴᴇᴅ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪs ᴡᴀʏ ❜#cadence.intro #this took forever i'm so sorry #and it's not even GOOD it's so MESSY #if u want a good feel 4 their character too pls just... listen to any of tfb's first three albums on spotify #self-titled - talon of the hawk - back on top. pls.#i'd also say going grey bt admittedly i haven't actually listened to that one that much so! gotta get a better feel 4 it #drug tw #overdose tw #divorce tw #depression tw #arrest tw

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calzona-ga · 6 years

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Madam Secretary: Sara Ramirez previews her return to TV | EW

A year-and-a-half hiatus after leaving Grey’s Anatomy, Sara Ramirez will make her triumphant return to TV during Sunday’s episode of Madam Secretary.

The actress will be playing Kat Sandoval, a brilliant political strategist, legendary in D.C. for her talent and for abruptly dropping out of politics until Secretary of State Elizabeth McCord (Téa Leoni) manages to coax her back into the State Department. It’s a character that the openly bisexual Ramirez can relate to, having taken time off to both discover herself and give a voice to the LGBTQ community. So what was it about Madam Secretary that lured Ramirez back to TV? EW turned to the actress to find out:

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What was it about Madam Secretary that made you want to return to TV in a series regular role? SARA RAMIREZ: A new position was opening up on Madam Secretary, and it was during a time when I was open to taking a meeting. [Executive producers] Barbara Hall and Lori McCreary were consistent and persistent in their commitment to meeting with me. We wanted to get to know each other to see what was possible. I really appreciate the kind of show that Madam Secretary is; it’s an aspirational and political show, and I found that really attractive as well.

Tell us about Kat Sandoval and what brings her into Elizabeth’s orbit. Something that I can say about Kat is that she is a political strategist. She’s a retired chief of staff to the U.N. ambassador, she’s known well in D.C. for her talents, she’s also know for her sudden departure from politics following an incident. She dropped out for years, and rumors circulate about why. But after Kat consults on a State Department problem, she realizes she has not entirely lost faith in the system, and she’s inspired by Elizabeth McCord, Madam Secretary, and her team — so much so that she proposes to join the State Department. When we first meet Kat, we learn a little bit about her past, and it clues us to the potential challenges she may face due to rumors around an incident that may have led her to leave politics. Her brain is one of her most valuable assets. In this first episode, we’ll see just how valuable it is, here at home and globally. This episode also shows up some vulnerable truths she’s never owned or expressed about herself before.

Will the show explore her sexuality? I just met Kat a few months ago, and I’m really looking forward to getting to know her as these episodes unfold.

Do you share any similarities with the character? One thing that I know that we have in common is we both took a step back from our respective fields for over a year. I understand how important it can be to acknowledge when a break is needed, for whatever reason, especially when the intention is to come home to oneself in ways that couldn’t occur authentically without that time away. So I really respect Kat for knowing and valuing herself enough to make that move in her life.

How is this working experience, both in front of the camera and behind, different from Grey’s? One of the things that I like about Madam Secretary is that, like I said, it’s an aspirational and political show. It takes place one election cycle in the future, which is kind of exciting, so it’s about four to five years down the line. I really love how it dramatizes certain topical world issues and events. It utilizes its projections to normalize inspiring ways to evolve challenging issues in the world through an alternate reality where the current political situation actually doesn’t exist, and with inclusive characters and cast and crew, off-screen as well. It promotes complex, three-dimensional women. Barbara Hall and Lori McCreary are executive producers, five out of the eight writers on the staff are female, the set has inclusive representation on screen and off, more than 70 percent of the show’s directors this season are women or men from diverse backgrounds, the Secretary of State is played by Téa Leoni — this show is in some ways similar, and different in all these ways.

After the results of the election last week, inclusive politics is not necessarily a distant aspiration anymore, but attainable, which is really exciting. We just saw Andrea Jenkins, the first openly bisexual and transgender black woman be elected to public office in the U.S. My intention for Madam Secretary’s Kat Sandoval is to continue normalizing, strengthening, and celebrating these types of inclusive outcomes in the world. As far as the character is concerned, I’m still getting to know her, but so far she’s different in that she spent a good portion of her life in politics before stepping away from it. Kat is very intentional and clear in her approach, because she knows she’s capable. She’s outspoken and unapologetically herself.

Is it fun to change up your style now on-screen and not have to suit up every day in scrubs? It’s been a really wonderful experience. Amy Roth, who is the head of the wardrobe department, has been so gracious, kind, and imaginative. I’m just really grateful to be working with her as well. It’s been really fun.

What have you been up to since leaving Grey’s, and what do you think you’ve learned during that time? It has been a really full year and a half. Taking a step back from the industry has allowed me to take space and get even more clear about things that are important to me. Coming out publicly was an organic decision and one that I spent a lot of energy and time making. It was incremental, not a spur-of-the-moment decision. By the time the Orlando shooting happened, especially in the context of the political climate escalating, I felt an urgency around coming out publicly in ways that I haven’t felt before. This past year and a half has taught me how to embrace myself fully, to never ever be afraid to claim my truth and power in spaces, and that bisexual, pansexual, queer-identified women of color, of all genders, or no genders, deserve to exist fully and equally in any and every space with respect to our visibility, representation, dignity, and various intersecting identities.

It has been a really full year. There were a lot of important events that I got the opportunity to be a part of. There was the ACLU rally in Austin, Texas. Initially, when Gavin Grimm’s case was headed to the Supreme Court, it was really important to me to use my public platform to show up and stand in solidarity with the trans and non-binary community, and when Gavin’s case didn’t make it to the Supreme Court, I got a phone call from the ACLU asking if I was open to participating in a rally in Austin connected to the same hurtful anti-trans legislation. I leapt at the opportunity to not only speak to these important issues, but to also engage local and state legislature. As well as introducing a trans woman of color, I introduced a wonder woman named Ana Andrea Molina, so that was a really important event to be a part of.

Then I was asked to speak at the Equality March in June, and I’m so grateful to the committee of the Equality March in D.C. for giving me the opportunity to speak to issues that are rarely spoken in mainstream LGBTQ advocacy. I was able to speak to the need for a truly intersectional movement, one in which we draw the margins in and center the lives of bisexual, queer, trans, non-binary, disabled, and other communities within our LGBTQ family who lack the access, power, and visibility. So as we move forward the community through the onslaught of anti-LGBTQ legislation and attacks, I think it’s important for us to continue to use these intersectional lines and center these communities, and that Equality March was a really beautiful way to be able to speak to that.

Then there was the LGBT Center in New York, who awarded me with this beautiful Trailblazer Award not that long ago, and that was a really special moment for me. Accepting the Trailblazer Award from the New York LGBT Center was — how else can I describe it? — it was a full-circle moment for me, actually. It was almost a year to the date, actually, from when I publicly came out as bisexual queer at the True Colors Fund event at the L.A. LGBT Center, so that was interesting. Lately, I’m feeling more confident about my purpose and highlighting the issues that are plaguing my community as well as continuing to create solidarity within the LGBT community. You know what else I’m thrilled about? Glenda Testone, who is the executive director of the New York LGBT Center, has expressed her commitment to creating specific bisexual programming, so that was a really wonderful full-circle moment after taking this time.

In hindsight, for everything you’ve done for yourself and the community over the last year, do you feel like it was the right decision to leave Grey’s when you did? Absolutely.

You voiced displeasure with ABC over the Real O’Neals bisexuality joke, which many Grey’s fans took as a sign you probably wouldn’t return to the show. Would you ever consider returning to Grey’s Anatomy? First I’ll speak to the Real O’Neals portion, and then I’ll speak to the other portion. I was really disappointed that a show on a network that I worked on for over 10 years, playing a bisexual character, would get the greenlight for such a hurtful and destructive comment about our community. The bigger disappointment was that this particular episode was set up to succeed in every way by having PFLAG involved, with a gay actor playing a gay character, in all these ways where all of our community would be protected in every way. However, I appreciate how PFLAG acknowledged the issue and owned their mistake, and so far that is the only party involved taking genuine accountability. To the other point, when Shonda [Rhimes] and I last spoke, we agreed to keep the conversations going, and she knows I’m open to keeping those conversations going.

#sara ramirez #madam secretary #kat sandoval #grey's anatomy

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pissedofflesbian-blog · 7 years

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In Response To “Queer” Discourse: Not Using a Slur To Refer To Ourselves Isn’t a Privilege

So tonight I read this post and I am completely shocked. I tried to reply on the post, but Tumblr fucked up, which is a blessing because I am able to write this post in a more clear and coherent manner.

What this post will be is a breakdown of the issues I commonly see discourse about reclaiming the word “queer”, specifically amongst pro-”queer” people. I believe that these arguments often make a few very big mistakes, and I’m here to correct them.

I don’t expect anyone to read the whole thing, but if you’re going to reply to this, you better have read it. And while I am trying to write in the most “professional” manner, I’m just an angry girl at a computer late at night, so if I make any mistakes, just think about what I probably meant and go with that, because this bitch is tired.

1) The most important thing to remember about people who refuse to reclaim the word “queer” is that there is a reason for this.

First of all, it is still commonly used as a slur in MANY places.

Second, the word originally has very negative definitions. Weird, strange, odd, spoiled, sick. This is why it was used as a slur in the first place.

Third, countless people in our community (even the young ones) have directly experienced violence involving this word.

Let’s use my personal history with this word as an example. I accidentally came out when I was 11, and a family member verbally abused me for years using this word. When I got older and tried to defend myself, he physically attacked me. I have PTSD because of this, and being directly referred to a “queer” or being called “a queer” can and has triggered flashbacks of this event.

I am just one of many with a story like this.

2) They imply or state that cis lesbians and gay men have it easier than or are privileged over cis bisexuals.

This is 100% false. It completely ignores the complex issues that both gay and bisexual people face.

Bisexual people face a specific struggle for not only being attracted to the same gender, but being attracted to multiple genders.

Gay people face a specific struggle for not only being attracted to the same gender, but being attracted to the same gender to the exclusion of others.

A quick way to demonstrate this is a look at how people often react to bi and gay people coming out. Bi people hear a lot of, “pick a side”, “you’re selfish”, “you’re confused”. Gay people hear, “but if you’ve never been with the opposite gender how do you know?”, “you’re being close-minded for only being with one gender”*, and things like that. We both get the standard, “oh that’s gross”, “oh you’re a sinner” bullshit. (*Yes gay people do get told that.).

There are specific struggles for being bisexual and being gay, and instead of making shit up, we should be supporting each other for the issues the others face, and supporting each other for our shared experiences.

2.5 A lot of people seem to think that being a gay man and being a lesbian are the same.

They are not. Lesbians have a very specific struggle as being: a) women, b) attracted to women, and c) not attracted to men. Our position as women who are not interested in men means we face a different sort of violence and oppression as gay men. Yes, we have many shared experiences, but we are not the same.

3) They assume that all people who are uncomfortable with the word are “privileged” cis gays and bisexuals, and that everyone who reclaims it is less privileged and has a more complicated identity.

It’s worth again noting that I am writing this in direct response to another post. Here are some quotes from OP and a commenter:

“Saying “I’m gay/lesbian/bi” is pretty simple. Just about everyone knows what you mean, and you quickly establish yourself as a member of a community. Saying “I’m a trans nonbinary bi woman who’s celibate due to dysphoria and possibly on the ace spectrum”… not so much. You’re lucky to find anyone who understands even half of that, and explaining it requires revealing a ton of personal information. The appeal of “queer” is being able to identify yourself without profiling yourself. It’s welcoming and functional terminology to those who do not have the luxury of simplified language and occupy complicated identities. *That’s* why people use it - there are currently not alternatives to express the same sentiment.”

and

“There’s another dimension that always, always gets overlooked in contemporary discussions about the word “queer:” class. The last paragraph here reminds me of a old quote: “rich lesbians are ‘sapphic,’ poor lesbians are ‘dykes’.” Bourgeois gays and lesbians already had “the luxury of language” to describe themselves - normalized through struggle, thanks to groups like the Gay Liberation Front. Everyone else, from poor gays and lesbians to bi and trans people and so on, had no such language. These people were the ones for whom social/economic assimilation was not an option.”

I do understand, and almost completely agree with OP. The commenter... not so much.

First of all, almost everyone I have met in real life spaces who uses the word queer is a cis gay or bisexual person. I’m not saying that my experience is universal, I’m just making an observation. Similarly, I have met many people with more complicated identities (bi trans people, ace gay men, nonbinary people) who do not use the word. And, I’m an ace lesbian... people find that hard to understand. Doesn’t mean I want to use that word.

Second... Oh lord. The implication that if you are a gay or lesbian who does not use the q word, you are probably upper class. This is just wrong. I don’t know how to else to state it. Maybe it’s right somewhere, but I can guarantee it’s wrong for a majority of places in the world.

First of all, I am a lesbian who is by no means rich or bourgeois. I am a poor girl who has struggled her entire life and lived in very poor neighbourhoods. Off the top of my head, I can think of a bisexual women, a gay man, and a trans gay man I know from similar areas that do not use the word queer.

Second, many of cis gay and bisexual people I’ve met who use the word queer are ones who went to private schools, are supported by their parents, and are otherwise upper to upper middle class.

Then there’s the implication that rich communities are more educated or accepting of our identities... Many upper class families are incredibly religious. Many upper class families are insistent on “traditional families”. These families often cut off their children who come out, and this can force their children into... guess what... the poor classes where social assimilation is apparently so much harder (but where they often find acceptance, because many lower class families are accepting and loving and educated.) I just don’t think that kind of distinction should be made when we’re talking about this word.

4) We’re not taking anything away from you while asking for you to keep your language respectful.

Time and time again, I see people acting as though those who do not use the q word are somehow oppressing them.

Nobody is saying that you shouldn’t use it for yourself. Nobody is saying that you can’t use it in your groups.

We are simply asking that you do not refer to us as “queer”. This means not directly calling us queer, and not referring to us as a part of the “queer community”. Is our comfort in our own spaces worth less than you saving a few syllables? Is our comfort worth less than a word?

And people who say queer is a slur? Say that because it is. It was, and it still is. Don’t go on a huge rant about how we’re calling your identity a slur, or we’re forcing you to feel oppressed by it, or whatever. The whole point of reclaiming a slur is that... it IS a slur. When you use that word to refer to yourselves, you cannot ignore the history associated with it. The fact that many ID with it in spite of and BECAUSE it is a slur. They’re making it there’s. That’s what reclamation is. That’s where the power comes from. Don’t go tell me that me saying it’s a slur is incorrect. That’s just ignorant.

In summary: Stop making shit up and over-thinking the issue surrounding this word. Stop acting like people who don’t use the q slur are privileged. We don’t avoid it because of our class or our specific labels. We avoid it because it does NOT empower us like it does you. We avoid it because many of us have trauma associated with it. My PTSD isn’t a privileged, you idiots.

Go learn how to think critically and stop making up bullshit discourse and bringing other issues into this discussion because you lack the respect to be sensitive when referring to others in this community.

#q slur #queer #queer discourse #lgbt #lgbtqia #lgbtq #lgbtpn #my post #i'm pissed

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sararamirezfans · 6 years

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Madam Secretary: Sara Ramirez previews her return to TV

After a year-and-a-half hiatus since exiting Grey’s Anatomy, Sara Ramirez will make her triumphant return to TV during Sunday’s episode of Madam Secretary.

Tell us about Kat Sandoval and what brings her into Elizabeth’s orbit. SARA RAMIREZ: Something that I can say about Kat is that she is a political strategist. She’s a retired chief of staff to the U.N. ambassador, she’s known well in D.C. for her talents, she’s also know for her sudden departure from politics following an incident. She dropped out for years, and rumors circulate about why. But after Kat consults on a State Department problem, she realizes she has not entirely lost faith in the system, and she’s inspired by Elizabeth McCord, Madam Secretary, and her team — so much so that she proposes to join the State Department. When we first meet Kat, we learn a little bit about her past, and it clues us to the potential challenges she may face due to rumors around an incident that may have led her to leave politics. Her brain is one of her most valuable assets. In this first episode, we’ll see just how valuable it is, here at home and globally. This episode also shows up some vulnerable truths she’s never owned or expressed about herself before.

Will the show explore her sexuality? SARA RAMIREZ: I just met Kat a few months ago, and I’m really looking forward to getting to know her as these episodes unfold.

Do you share any similarities with the character? SARA RAMIREZ: One thing that I know that we have in common is we both took a step back from our respective fields for over a year. I understand how important it can be to acknowledge when a break is needed, for whatever reason, especially when the intention is to come home to oneself in ways that couldn’t occur authentically without that time away. So I really respect Kat for knowing and valuing herself enough to make that move in her life.

How is this working experience, both in front of the camera and behind, different from Grey’s? SARA RAMIREZ: One of the things that I like about Madam Secretary is that, like I said, it’s an aspirational and political show. It takes place one election cycle in the future, which is kind of exciting, so it’s about four to five years down the line. I really love how it dramatizes certain topical world issues and events. It utilizes its projections to normalize inspiring ways to evolve challenging issues in the world through an alternate reality where the current political situation actually doesn’t exist, and with inclusive characters and cast and crew, off-screen as well. It promotes complex, three-dimensional women. Barbara Hall and Lori McCreary are executive producers, five out of the eight writers on the staff are female, the set has inclusive representation on screen and off, more than 70 percent of the show’s directors this season are women or men from diverse backgrounds, the Secretary of State is played by Téa Leoni — this show is in some ways similar, and different in all these ways.

Is it fun to change up your style now on-screen and not have to suit up every day in scrubs? SARA RAMIREZ: It’s been a really wonderful experience. Amy Roth, who is the head of the wardrobe department, has been so gracious, kind, and imaginative. I’m just really grateful to be working with her as well. It’s been really fun.

What have you been up to since leaving Grey’s, and what do you think you’ve learned during that time? SARA RAMIREZ: It has been a really full year and a half. Taking a step back from the industry has allowed me to take space and get even more clear about things that are important to me. Coming out publicly was an organic decision and one that I spent a lot of energy and time making. It was incremental, not a spur-of-the-moment decision. By the time the Orlando shooting happened, especially in the context of the political climate escalating, I felt an urgency around coming out publicly in ways that I haven’t felt before. This past year and a half has taught me how to embrace myself fully, to never ever be afraid to claim my truth and power in spaces, and that bisexual, pansexual, queer-identified women of color, of all genders, or no genders, deserve to exist fully and equally in any and every space with respect to our visibility, representation, dignity, and various intersecting identities.

In hindsight, for everything you’ve done for yourself and the community over the last year, do you feel like it was the right decision to leave Grey’s when you did? SARA RAMIREZ: Absolutely.

You voiced displeasure with ABC over the Real O’Neals bisexuality joke, which many Grey’s fans took as a sign you probably wouldn’t return to the show. Would you ever consider returning to Grey’s Anatomy? SARA RAMIREZ: First I’ll speak to the Real O’Neals portion, and then I’ll speak to the other portion. I was really disappointed that a show on a network that I worked on for over 10 years, playing a bisexual character, would get the greenlight for such a hurtful and destructive comment about our community. The bigger disappointment was that this particular episode was set up to succeed in every way by having PFLAG involved, with a gay actor playing a gay character, in all these ways where all of our community would be protected in every way. However, I appreciate how PFLAG acknowledged the issue and owned their mistake, and so far that is the only party involved taking genuine accountability. To the other point, when Shonda [Rhimes] and I last spoke, we agreed to keep the conversations going, and she knows I’m open to keeping those conversations going.

Madam Secretary airs Sundays at 10 p.m. ET on CBS.

Source: Entertainment Weekly

#Article #Madam Secretary

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nostalgicpirate · 7 years

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The Long Story

There was a time in my childhood when concerns about sexuality, gender, and other such matters were all but absent. I flowed from day to day, each an epoch in itself, not wanting an explanation of the world, but simply living it. Then came the pivotal moment, an event so traumatic as to be the catalyst of every negative event in my life from that point forward, or so it seems.

I remember little of my life before the divorce, before foster care, before meeting my abuser. My earliest memories are locked away, kept from me by the passage of time and my minds own selfish insistence on me persisting. But I wont talk about those events in much detail now, only the affects to that cause.

I found myself living with another family, kept apart from all my siblings but my sister Allison, and with new parents and new brothers. I remember Brain the most frequently when I think of the themes I will contain within this exercise. Brain was an effeminate teenage boy who was one of the birth children of my foster parents, his voice was high and giddy, and he had a kind of energy that I had not experienced before. He crossed his legs at the knees, he was concerned with his physical appearance in a way that somehow seemed taboo, in fact, all of his predilections seemed somehow against the grain, much to the chagrin of his, and now my, parents. I didn't know what “gay” meant, but I heard the word for the first time then. Too young to concern myself with things like sexuality, I thought it just meant the way he behaved, his voice, his mannerisms. Attraction, I didn't understand, WAS a part of it, but I couldn't conceive of such things. I did know that his parents and siblings found it amusing and somehow damning as if his “different-ness” somehow made him ridiculous. I remember trying to take on Brains behaviors and was met with the same ridicule as he was, but they simply thought I was mocking him and thought little of it.

Even as a child I liked to grow my hair long, and at that age it was a blonde so intense it was almost white. They called me cotton-top as an endearment because of it. I was slight of build, my face was lean and thin, and I was short for my age. Consequentially I was often mistaken for a small girl, something that I think bothered my mother more than me. It bothered me then, but not enough to stop me and my sister from braiding each others hair.

I wont go too much into detail of the events of my abuse in this piece, I've done that in other mediums, other pieces, and it doesn't need to be tread over again. There is such a thing as beating a dead horse, and that isn't the purpose of me writing now. Suffice to say I started my sexual experience as a human young, and with a much older man. Even after I left foster care, my mother would let me spend nearly ever weekend in his “care”, and not understanding at first that what he was doing to me was abnormal, I still loved him like a father. Years would go by in such a manner, even after my family moved from the suburbs of Richmond (where he lived) to the blue ridge mountains outside of the town of Crozet. As I aged I began to understand that most boys weren't like me, most boys didn't have this secret thing that occurred with their “fathers” when the lights when out and we were supposed to sleep. As I began to enter puberty the acts became pleasurable, but somehow all the more wrong. I liked it, what I felt when things happened, but I knew that it was wrong. The confusion of both enjoying and being horrified by what was happening to me will never leave me.

At a time when most boys were on the look out for girls, I didn't know what to think, how to behave. My friends sensed that I was stunted in this way, and one by one abandoned me, no longer wanting to spend time with me. I found myself attracted to girls, but also enthralled by the idea of boys. Going to school became horrible, I never knew where to look, or how to act, or how to speak. Through middle school I stopped socializing all together, into high-school I had no friends. My grades plummeted, I stopped taking care of myself physically, my long hair became matted and full of knots, my clothes I hardly washed.

Discovering the internet was an important turn for me, both the secret and at that time painfully slow world of pornography, and the mild degree of social interaction afforded by chat rooms. It was here I could express the apparent taboos I had acquired or had been born with without persecution, as my peers had already taken to treating me like a pariah and calling me “gay” or “faggot” at every turn. With slowly downloaded videos I found myself experiencing pleasurable acts separate from the abuse that had happened to me. This became important because my malefactor had disappeared from my life nearly overnight, and I didn't have him or his creative assortment of magazines to keep me company. At first it was men and women, then trans women (whose juxtaposition of genitals and apparent gender amazed and excited me) then in the chats I started talking to young men my age. I don't remember the first time I had cybersex with a boy, but I do know that it was always “by accident”. I found myself unable to chat in the main room of the chat rooms, the regulars had too closely knit a group of friends, and even in that digital environment I was too scared to do that. Instead I'd enter a private chat with all assortments of people, trying to find those that wanted to talk about things of a sexual nature a lot of the time, but also trying to form some kind of social connection, but my life was sorely lacking that at the time. Upon entering a private chat I'd rattle off the now infamous anagram “ASL” (age, sex, location), and SOMETIMES the person would be male and within my age group. Those that weren't immediately turned off by me being male as well would then SOMETIMES want to engage in sexual acts. Keep in mind that these things didn't happen with ONLY males, but with a wide variety of people. I always had my eye out with a trans person, something that was then a rare find in chat rooms due to stigma. The advent of the webcam took things up a notch, deep in the midnight hours I'd fine people to display my pleasure too, sometimes men, sometimes women. I began exploring my body in methods that were taboo among the “straight” led society I live in.

My first partner outside of the chat rooms was a young woman about my age, but only by happenstance, she pursued me, and if she hadn't it would have been many more years before I found someone. This is another period of my life I'm going to gloss over, because it isn't pertinent to what I'm trying to say in this piece. What I will say is that there was a person inside of me that hardly spoke, who I think started in those chat rooms, or maybe just opened its mouth for the first time, and Rebecca, my first love, was the first real person to experience that part of me.

Gender is a complex subject, or so I'm discovering. As I said earlier, I was often mistaken for a girl as a child, and there were girlish things that I enjoyed, but I always was keenly aware that that part of me wasn't welcome. Any deviation from standard male behavior was savagely mocked by peers and family alike. I found little ways of acting out, however, the length of my hair being one of them. To keep people from mocking me further, as soon as I began to grow facial hair I forsook shaving altogether and grew a long beard, an ability I thought at first a blessing. In high-school, having a beard meant people no longer took me for a girl, people mocked me less, people kept their distance.

It was probably that beard that attracted Rebecca in the first place, she used to refer to me as “goatman” as a loving endearment. However, in private moments together over the phone in the night I began to show a different side of myself, when speaking my voice would become light and go up a few octaves, almost a mimicry of Brains voice from my childhood, but even more so. It wasn't just my voice, it was my body language, my mannerisms, it was me, or some part of me, speaking out loud for the first time.

Realizing that who I was was fractured wouldn't come for many years, what I did know is that in those private moments, in that identity that I could only share with her, I was truly happy, maybe for the first time since I was a small child. It was, however, one of the reasons she eventually left me for another partner, and that hurt tied itself into the fear of sharing that part of myself, and it would be years before I had the courage to do so again.

Eventually I graduated high-school, namely because I transferred to an alternate school with open minded staff and a smaller student body. I found myself then on the verge of life but with two major problems having been recently discovered. I was disabled, physically, and mentally. I had what the doctors at the time suspected was a form of schizophrenia (they didn't know about my sexual abuse, however) and what would later be determined to be a severe form of PTSD. I also had a debilitating spinal deformity known as Scheuermann's Kyphosis. Kept apart from society by the crippling social anxiety from the PTSD and the very literally crippling kyphosis, I started the process of getting disability, and with a few years moved in with my brother with my “own” income.

The years with my brother stagnated me, kept me locked in place worse than anything I could have done with my twenties. I was forced to devote every ounce of time an energy to him and had no room for socializing (even if I were able) or self reflection. It was only when I cut ties with him that I began to, once more, explore myself, but before that, before moving out even, I met someone who changed my life.

In the twilight of my youth, just before the move, I met a woman named colleen in an online chatroom. She was fierce, and strong, and very openly bisexual. She saw through the many layers of psychosis and trauma that made up my brittle damaged mind and didn't turn away, didn't find me wanting. It wasn't attraction I had for her, it was fellowship I sought from her. I told her everything, all the details of what I've transcribed here, all the little secrets I'd kept from my family and friends, and she didn't think me gross or damaged, but encouraged me to explore myself. The years with my brother were bitter for our friendship, as she lived a few hundred miles away, and we were both too scared to meet, but also due to the isolation forced upon me by him. When I finally got away from him, when I finally cut ties, she was there to support me emotionally like few others could.

I had few friends after that, Mr. Richards ( a mutual friend of my brother who stopped talking to him in favor of me) was one of them, Rebecca (who remained my friend even after our tumultuous relationship) was another. Colleen was the unspoken third, the bearer of all my secrets, the one person I could confide anything and everything with.

She was the first person I came out to, spoke with in depth about my sexuality and my gender and all the glorious weirdness that is me. Years later I would in turn tell my other friends, and eventually (and weirdly last) my therapist, who should have known all along.

Finding terms for the parts of me that didn't make sense was a big deal for me, I wanted an explanation, a clean cut reason for the malfunctions I found within myself. Gender, it turns out, isn't that simple. I wasn't trans, as I first though, because there WAS in fact a part of me that very keenly wanted to remain male, and I wasn't entirely cis, because there were times when “Binks” the name I gave the effeminate voiced female portion of my mind and gender would speak up and make herself known. The closest explanation I've found is the term Genderfluid, wherein my gender identity is in a constant state of flux from male to female and back again. Understanding my sexuality came first, however. I was deeply afraid of men, it would seem, and apart from musings online and in chat, I was terrified of being... well, different, being gay. I had associated homosexuality with those terrible early moments of my sexuality with my abuser, even at times thought that he had “turned” me gay somehow.

I still struggle with who it is I am, and how I want to be with, but its getting clearer ever day, and with that clarity I have hope. I haven't had much luck with relationships, but I have a DEEP desire to be loved, and to love others. “Others” in this case being virtually any consenting adult. My attractions range all across the board, so much that I've found that the closet term to describing me is “Pansexual” or: not using gender or gender identity to chose a partner. The affect of this is that I'm attracted to basically everyone to varying degrees, though its more of a weird hierarchy of attractions, with cis and trans women at the top, and trans and cis men at the bottom. I don't know if that is “right” for being pan, but its the way it is for me, so maybe being right in this case doesn't matter as long as I'm true to myself.

One day, it'll all make sense, and maybe even I'll be brave enough to share my secrets with the family I know and sometimes even love.

#sexuality pansexual genderidenity genderfluid writer poet

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hellomynameisbisexual · 4 years

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I've always been bisexual. Even though like many people I was socialized as a heterosexual and feminine person, my first "sexual awakenings" (those first experiencies of admiration, infatuation and sexual excitation) during my childhood happened with women. As I was at the same time conscious about my attraction to boys, my heterosexual socialization made me give little importance to my fascination with women and the feminine.

After several years—and more unperceived "awakenings"—I noticed that maybe I'd be interested in "being" with a woman. At first I didn't try anything, and when I had non-straight crushes I felt intimidated and very buga* for them. When I had boyfriends, they noticed that I also liked women, but we never talked about it in a straightforward manner. Eventually my first non-buga relationships (sexual, sentimental) happened, with both cisgender women and people outside the binary gender spectrum. Only after I had those experiences I told myself that–finally–I could call myself bisexual.

(*Buga is a jargon used by LGBTQIA communities in Mexico to refer to heterosexual people.)

Nowadays I'm suspicious of talking about my bisexuality with other people, since unfortunately biphobia (the hate and discrimination toward bisexual people) is a real phenomenon (1). Because the bisexual identities are a grayscale in contrast to the "black or white" which implies being straight or homosexual, bisexual people can suffer discrimination, prejudice or invisibility from both of these communities.

Biphobia can be manifested through unintended jokes and lack of credibility, or openly as insults. These type of attitudes negatively affect the mental and emotional well-being of bisexual people, especially among younger bisexuals who report more mental issues (anxiety, depression, stress, higher rates of suicide) than both heterosexuals and homosexuals (gays and lesbians) (2).

In many cases, biphobia is a product of a lack of information. Below you can read more about some of the most common questions, myths, and facts about bisexuality.

What exactly is bisexuality?

Bisexuality is a type of sexual orientation. Sexual orientation refers to those towards whom we feel attraction (affective, sexual, emotional). Some sexual orientations examples include: heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality, pansexuality, and more.

The bisexual orientation is defined as having attraction towards more than one gender (3); it is a more fluid and open idea, subject to variations between different people who call themselves bisexual.

Not all people define their bisexuality in an identical way, and not all people attracted towards more than one gender call themselves bisexual.

Is bisexuality only a phase?

No. It's normal that many homosexual people go through a exploration period while they are learning to understand where their attraction lies. However, that doesn't mean bisexuality is always a phase prior to homosexuality (4). For many people, feeling attracted to other people of various genders it is a serious and stable preference (5).

Being bisexual does not always means that an attraction towards more than one gender is divided 50-50 evenly, or even 40-60, in a consistent preference. There are some for whom it is mostly–but not exclusively–attraction to one gender (6). But there are also those for whom attraction changes with time and according to certain contexts (7). This category of fluidity is not expected–at least in the beginning–from monosexual orientations.

These types of false beliefs have been facilitated by scientific research. Many studies on bisexuality have been focused on monosexual perspectives (heterosexual and/or homosexual), skewing the results to misrepresent the experience of bisexual people (8). It has also been wrongly suggested that bisexuality is an incomplete orientation, as if it was only a mere transition to homosexuality (9).

Do bisexual people like it "both ways" because they have an insatiable sexual appetite?

No. Someone’s orientation does not define anyone's sexual appetite. Bisexuality itself doesn't make someone promiscuous, unfaithful or untrustworthy. This myth is a product of monosexism: the belief that people should have only one sole sexual identity and only one type of sexual behaviour towards one gender or defined sex (10).

Monosexism also assumes monogamy is the norm (11). To impose monosexism as a sole social norm applicable to everyone leads (consciously or indirectly) to the belief that another more fluid sexuality can be a threat or an anomaly, and harder to control.

The assumption that bisexuality is an abnormal preference or that bisexual people are without self control can create false narratives that subject this orientation to be hypersexualized; it can make people think that bisexual people "choose" this orientation in order to have more options of where to find potential partners. It is harmful to project sexual fantasies onto bisexual people (or onto any other orientation) without their consent, as if they were only an instrument to satisfy fantasies for others.

In my experience, it’s been very irritating when people assume that being bisexual translates to the equal possibility of being willing to "do it all".

Am I bisexual if I also feel attraction towards transgender or non-binary people?

Generally speaking, yes. Some people think that the prefix "bi" means that bisexuality is the attraction towards only two cis/binary genders ("man" or "woman"). There are indeed those who live their orientation this way, but bisexuality–understood as the attraction to people of more than one gender–can also be extended to people with gender identities way beyond the binary and cis gender spectrum.

With that in mind, it’s also worth noting that not all people who feel attraction to more than one gender call themselves bisexuals for many reasons (stigma, culture, lack of information available, etc.). There are non-monosexual orientations, for example pansexuality (the attraction to people without considering their gender identity), whose definitions can sound very similar to bisexuality (12); in those cases, the decision to call oneself bisexual, pansexual or of any other term is a much more personal question that depends on how we feel and how we define ourselves individually.

Do I stop being bisexual if I start a romantic relationship with someone of the "opposite" gender?

No. This myth is due to the false idea that bisexuality is only an "experimentation" phase before things "get serious" and back to a stable heterosexual relationship (a common case among people socialized as women) (13). It is also possible to be in a monosexual relationship in which each person keeps their distinct sexual orientation.

There are internalized feelings of biphobia common to bisexual people when they decide to start a romantic relationship that can be perceived as monosexual. These feelings often occur similarly to the fear that a partner of monosexual orientation wouldn't understand the bisexuality of the other (14). In other cases, it might be easy for others (family, friends, social circles) to assume that the bisexual people's orientation changes or disappears depending on the current partner (15).

Even though the sexual orientation of anyone can change throughout life, it's much healthier when those decisions are made individually, without biphobic stereotypes and without the pressure of others’ perceptions.

Can I be bisexual if I haven't had sex or a relationship outside the heterosexual spectrum?

Of course! Nobody is obligated to offer "proof" of one's bisexuality. Being conscious that someone's sexual orientation can be bisexual is enough. Our sexual orientation may not be cast in stone for the rest of our lives, so it's completely valid to be going through a phase of exploration or questioning without the need to "make a decision" for the rest of our lives, or to clearly define our orientation within a label.

Non-heterosexual experiences, either sexual, affective or social, often times are facilitated (or repressed) by the context in which we live, by our social or familiar relationships, by the complexity of our tastes and individual necessities, by the access (or lack thereof) to different sexual diversities and cultures, and also by a safe environment, free from harassment, judgment, and marginalization.

It's important to keep in mind that there aren’t always comfortable and safe environments for the open exploration of any non-heterosexual orientation; sometimes there are circumstances in which prioritizing one’s physical and emotional well-being requires keeping oneself in the closet—which is also valid. In any case, whatever the context, not having non-heterosexual experiences with others does not mean that someone’s internal thoughts should be suppressed. I fell into this trap and only called myself bisexual once I had my first non-heterosexual experiences, even though my whole life I have been thinking that.

Clarifying doubts and obtaining sexual information free of bias and stigma can make a critical difference in the quality of life of those marginalized by their sexuality.

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