hi guys i'm alive

cw : bad mental health

first of all wth i'm so sorry :( i'm so sorry for leaving you just like that. it was very selfish of me. i don't have a good explanation for my actions but i missed you all so much and wanted to go back here but didn't. i have so much drafts of random stuff that i wanted to share with you during my 'disappearance' but couldn't bring myself to come back. i'm genuinely so sorry. please don't try to excuse my actions - i know that i would feel horrible if someone left without any explanation whatsoever and i am so disgusted by myself for doing that to you.

second of all. i'm okay. it's been a big rollercoaster of chaos. i'll try to fill you up to date with what i've been doing real soon :)

third of all. i really don't have a good explanation for why i left because i don't understand my own actions or know myself sometimes. i'll be completely honest with you and won't excuse myself with "i was busy" stuff because i was not. i often find myself not understanding my actions or behaviours lately. regardless, i'll try to understand it better by writing down some points.

- hyperfixating. i've never told this to anyone before because i thought it was silly. it's been getting worse lately; my hobbies and interests have been changing with each week and because of that i ENTIRELY lost interest and motivation to write. not only for kpop but in general. when i hyperfixate on something, i often tend to leave everything else behind. it's like starting writing something then coming up with a new idea and never continuing the first idea ever again. it's just a big chaotic mess.

- tired. as social i may seem on tumblr, that is not the case in real life. i'm 99.9% sure i have severe social anxiety and it's so tiring because i love you all so much and talking with you makes me happy but i often find myself feeling absolutely terrible because of social interactions. it's the worst in real life but it happens when i'm on here too which is NOT your fault. i genuinely love interacting with all my moots and followers but my mind plays games on me all the time.

i guess that's it. again, these points do not excuse me leaving. i SHOULD have at least said something but i did not. i'm so sorry for abruptly leaving you all without a single explanation. i genuinely wanted to tell you i'll be going on a break - i even made a post about it, but in the end, i was a coward and did not publish it. that's another case of me not understanding myself at times. it was very childish of me and i will not attempt to excuse myself when i was fully able to explain my situation before full on disappearing. please don't feel bad and comfort me, this is my fault and i'll genuinely try my best to not do it again and not let my mind get the best of me.

it'll take some time for me to respond to everything because i'm still feeling tired socially, but after explaining it on here i'm feeling just a bit better about it. if i don't respond to you for a while please know that i'm not ignoring you, i just can't bring myself to, no matter how badly i want to respond.

thank you <3

Summary : Hobie found more about you

Warnings :None , except horrible writting of accent sorry.

Toy Keeper

Hobie furiously knocked in your window . "Hey , Man let me in I'm dying out here" You looked at him unimpressed. "It's to early for this go back home Spiderman" Hobie icks at the name "It's spider punk , geezer so let me in before I lick your face off" Rolling your eyes you let him in.

"Whats this excuse for staying over now? " opening the window for him his dirty shoes leaving mud marks. "Just the loud pop trash music in my building." He said sinking into your bed like he owns it. "Did you try talking to them?" Hobie snorted "U kidding? Its a part hell no they gonna lower ot down for a noise complaint " he cuddles with your pillow it scent felt comforting to him. He never really got to know you since the only reason you guys become friends was just cause u saw him under the mask by accident.

"Hey (y/n) what was your childhood like?"Hobie asked without thinking.You looked at him funny "I am not sure you can relate to (insert your country/city name) experience but I think it was pretty normal." Hobie furrowed his brows "Your not from here?" You picked a family picture of your parents and relatives . "Nope" "I never knew" He stammered feeling a sting . " What else u hiding?" He asked jokingly yrying to ease him self.

"I have nothing to hide " As you said that Hobie fell of your bed finding.....

Toys?

They were in clear containers showing every single piece inside be it my little pony , ninja turtes , power ranger , ever after high , and more he doent know . "What are these hidding in plain sight?" You turned your back to Hobie blushing.

"(Y/n) are these your toys?" You threw a pillow at his face "So what? They have sentimental value!" Well this is a start of getting to know them more.

"Aww little toy keeper emberassed?" Another pillow hit his face as his laughter echos around the room. "YOU BETTER NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS!""HAHAHAHAHAH"

The night ended as the day begins

Ngl thinking back the evening we came home from vacation this year was like a bad sitcom.

I asked my friends to petsit for us. My mom had them come over multiple times to learn how to water which plants and how to feed the dogs. (The cats were somewhere else while we were gone) They got paid for this. They didn't ask to be paid but my mother insisted. This should be fine but it wasn't because they made mistakes like. killing one single plant.

While we were on the trip i couldnt talk to them in private even about unrelated stuff and my mother always had to be there to hear it. She had me call them like 5 times a day i think? We resorted to texting on instagram so she doesnt see it if she ever asks to see even the texts. Who even uses instagram dms. I forgot it existed before this summer. One time one of them was crying really hard - we know this because my mom was checking the camera obsessively - and she got worried sick not for my friend but for the fact that she could be crying because one of our dogs is hurt and she doesn't know how to say it. She was actually crying because of personal stuff.

So we go home at the end, and my mother immediately goes for the dogs. Doesn't even say hi. I'm the first one to say hi or thank them for doing this for us. Then she starts looking for mistakes. While i am saying bye to them in the garden my stepfather walks outside in underwear. Doesn't aknowledge them. Throws something out. Goes back in. My face fucking burned in emberassment. Fine. Ok.

Then they leave and my mother discovers the one dead plant. She got it weeks before. It's super special to her. Except she told them to water it only a little or barely at all because she doesn't knoe how to care for it either. Neither of my friends are experienced plant owners so it fucking died.

She starts texting up a storm at them about how they suck ect ect and they dont respond. (one of them told me later that she actually broke down at this) Then my mother's next course of action was getting her fucking fired from the job she previously got her. (she felt sorry for her because she had a shit job before) Because she "can't work with someone like that :("

And now she is upset they no longer say hi to her at tesco

🐦- haha i love her so damn much, she is my fiance and i am so in love you have no idea. We do have sex ocassionally, and i just become this service puppy eager to make her feel good and fullfill her lil fantasies. I just talked to her about this today but i am quite shameless and secure in top position but when I bottom- I just become a blushy emberassed mess and i recently figured out that i am into that light playful teasing. Its like

I top: confident, dominating, experienced only insecure in terms of "are they feeling good", service puppy, no touchies, I will touch you

I bottom: gets emberassed at the word "pussy", pillow puppy, needy but blushy, kinky but so so so emberassed about it but also kinda into the teasing

Okay sorry for the private stuff i just rarely have somebody to talk to about this- actually nobody besides my love. so thank you for your time 💕 ( i hope the blue bird isnt taken)

it isn't taken! thank you so much for sharing! i hope you don't mind me posting it but i kinda don't have any other way to reply lol.

i think that's absolutely adorable!! having a sub like you is so golden. i adore my loves shy! i think we all have this kind of duality, some people more, some less - the need to take care of and be cared for. i personally for a very very long time thought i'm 100% submissive until i met the right person:) i think it's lovely you can show your partner both of these sides of you. and that you can explore it together. take care💋

I have a lot of cavities 😭😭 but I am to lazy to go to the dentist... I hate the sounds of when the cavity is being treated 😭 I feel so emberassed

I dont wash my teeth often,,like I cant do it for 3 minutes

I had like past depression thats because of it but I can’t still do it 😭😭😭 help,,

https://www.dentalfearcentral.org/advice/

https://www.dentalphobia.co.uk/

You are not alone. The key is finding a dentist who you're comfortable with and who is experienced with phobic patients. Consider laughing gas/hypnosis, these two are often used over here for anxious patients. I can't help you per se, I'm not your provider, I'm sorry 😭

Hopefully you are still taking requests, I've been too scared to send one in. I'm sorry if this is a bit vague. I love your work💞 Can I request a smutty imagine where y/n teases dewdrop by flirting with the other ghouls just to see how angry she can get him and she ends up in deep trouble with him?

Hello, sweetheart! Firstly - thank you so much for the kind words! And secondly - im so glad you got the "courage" to ask, haha. Filth is on the way! I hope you like it 🖤

Jealous Dew x Reader one-shot (WARNING!!! HELLA NSFW, 18+)

Dew's POV 

"Oh, darn it!" Rain scoffed as he saw how one of his striped balls hit the corner of the pocket, but not getting in. "Hell yeah!" I jumped happily, going near the pool table and looking at the balls' position. We loved playing pool, especially after big rituals like tonight's. That was like a routine for us. Well the ghouls mostly - The ghoulettes had their own way of relaxing, and Cardinal always prefered binge-watching "Friends" instead of having fun with us. Sometimes it fel like he was Nihil's lost son - I can't say Copia was boring, but he was quite introverted at times.

"Don't get too upset, Rain. Maybe Mr. "Pay back time" will fail. You have luck you're not playing with me" Aether teased me as I smirked, pointing with the pool stick at him "I can take all of you!". "Everyone knows that, slut!" Swiss called out from the back as he drank his beer. I rolled my eyes, due to their laughter, and tried to ignore it. After that I bent over the table, position myself to hit the white ball in front of me when I heard the door opening... Just before I was about to hit it, my eyes focused on a very particular feminine figure... Y/N. What the fuck was she doing here?!

Y/N POV

It was the night after a ritual, which automatically meant no sleeping for any of us! Well, at least Papa's witches. Why? Because our rooms were one wall apart from the Ghoul's playroom. All of us hated that - including Cumuls and Cirrus, who prefered a ladies night with us and the Sisters of sin. The Ghouls were just too loud. Especially when there was alcohol in the whole picture and tonight... Tonight there was a lot!

I looked around the sleeping girls, tossing myself again and sighed. I couldn't fall asleep, Swiss' voice was keeping me awake as well Dew's loud banging on the pool table, so I just decided to get up, put on my black lacy dress and go see what the boys were doing. Maybe even asking them to keep it a little bit more quiet. Some of us had a morning praise at 5am! And besides... I wouldn't mind seeing them. Since all of us were friends and there was no "I'm superior" barreier between us.

I walked out of the room, feeling how the slight wind was touching my skin as I grabbed the playroom's lock. Before I pushed it, I heard Swiss' voice calling someone "slut". My mind automatically connected that with Dewdrop as I smirked and let my filthy thoughts invade my brain.

As I entered the room, all of the boys turned to me. They looked shocked. Especially Rain who I could tell even felt emberassed by my look. The lacy black dress was thin enough to cover my whole body, but it was also a little bit transparent. "Weren't you supposed to be sleeping?" Mountain asked, before taking a sip from his drink and then offering me some. I refused of course and responded sarcastically "Well we all were, but some smartass decided to put your playroom next to our bedroom. Do the math". "I told you guys" Aether pointed out as I felt Dew's eyes scanning every bit of my body. He was in the middle of a shot I can tell, by his position, but he obviously gave up doing it. He stood up, leaning against the stick and growled "So what? It's not like you listen to it every night". I chuckled at his response and sat next to Swiss, who was half-laying on the red couch next to the pool table. His hand was put on the backrest as he looked over me and raised an eyebrow "So noise brings you here? It's not something or someone else?" I heard the boys' "oohs" as I smirked at him, bitting my lip and shrugged. "You never know" - I said seductively before turning my head towards Dew. His eyes were burning with... Anger? Also I wouldn’t want to be the stick he was holding. The ghoul's grip around it was almost enough to break it in half. I could tell my his knuckles, turning white. 'Or maybe I'd like to be' my mind whispered to myself. "Won't you finish the shot?" I asked, raising my eyebrow as Aether laughed "Yeah, man. I'm getting sleepy". Dewdrop rolled his eyes, positioning himself again. His swift body movements were enchanting. 

Finally the white ball hit the red one in front of it, but no luck. "Ooh, so close dude!" Mountain pointed out as Dew sighed. 'Do it! Come on!' my mind encoureged me to do the thing I've been thinking about since the moment I entered the room. I knew that it wouldn't end well, one way or another, but I couldn't care less at this point. I got up from my seat, looking at Rain who was obviously confused on how to move on with the position of the balls on the table. Before becoming part of the Church actually, I really enjoyed gaming nights with my friends - doesnt matter what type of game we'd play. I always enjoyed them. "Need help?" I smirked at the Water ghoul who shurgged his arms and gave me the stick. "That's not by the rules!" Dew's voice filled the room. I could feel he was getting angry. I raised my eyebrow and asked seductivly, before taking Rain's stick  - "And since when do YOU play by the rules?". After those words I heard another set of "oohs" before, bending over in front of Rain. I could deffinitely tell he wasn't feeling the most comfortable in that position, since my butt was touching his front, for which I felt kinda bad, but I was enjoying every bit of it since Dewdrop's anger was growing. "Have you been working out lately?" Swiss joked as I turned to him chuckling and winked back at him, answering his joke with my own "Wanna find out?".

We actually stayed in the room for almost another hour of jokes and laughter, before Aether got in charge and as being the most responisble one of the group asked us all to go to bed. I wouldn't have refused anyway, I was tired. "Yeah, I'll see you guys tomorrow" I whispered yawning, as we all started walking out of the room, before feeling someone's hand gripping my waist and preventing me from escaping. I quickly turned around before hearing the door closing behind me, as Dew stared into my eyes. " 'Wanna find out!?' Seriously!?" he hissed against my lips before crushing his onto mine. His fingers found their way into my hair as he gripped it, which caused my head to tilt back slightly, exposing my neck to him. "Are you jealous?" I teased. "Am I jealous?! I'm fucking furious, Y/N! Do you not remember the time backstage? Or the 'please don't tell Imperator about this' situation in her office?! I'm gonna make you pay, girly!" Dewdrop whispered against my ear as I felt my kneese getting weaker, with every touch he made over my body. Next to the other ghouls, he was indeed shorter, but I wasn't them. Dew was almost a head above me. His teeth found his way to my most senstive part on my neck and bit it gently, before sucking it harder. I gasped by his action, before whimpering "Fuck yes...". He wasn't even trying to be gentle at this point and every part of my body loved that! His fingers made their way to my lady parts, feeling the wetness over them as he whispered "So you'd let Swiss try this out, but not me? Wrong...". After those words I felt how his index entered me, followed by his middle finger. I didn't even have time to react i just grabbed his shoulders and moaned, as he moved them faster and faster. "Did you like bending over Rain?" he groaned against my neck, before sucking on the same spot as before. This time i felt a small wave of pain, which made me whimper. "Answer me! Did.. You... Like it?!" Dew's voice was filled with sexual rage. "Yes!" I cried out as I opened my eyes and saw him smirking, before saying "Let's see how you'd like this then". His fingers quickly escaped my body as I sealed my lips with his own, as I felt himleading me towards the pool table. His tongue was fighting for dominance in my mouth and I gladly gave him what it wanted.

After that breathtaking kiss Dew spun me around, so I was in the same position as with Rain. My heart was going to explode in my chest, my pulse was pumping so hard I felt like fainting from all the adrenaline. Before I could make up my mind I heard a belt, being unbuckled, and soon after that a firm smack on my bare butt. Dew came once again next to my ear and whispered "I'll make you regret every single thing you did that night". After those words I felt a sweet pain rushing through my body, causing me to moan loudly. He made a few thrust inside as i grabbed the wooden side of the pool table. His hand found its way in my hair once again, before gripping it tightly and pulling my body next to his. "Dew..." I moaned louder as his other hand grabbed my neck and squeezed it gently. "Yes, Y/N?" he whispered breathless into my ear, before bitting my neck again. His movements were becoming even faster as I felt that the end of both of us was close. "Tell me how much you love this... Say it!" his voice filled the room as I shouted, panting "I love it how you fuck me! Dew... Im... Please...". Few more thrust were made into me, as I felt the pleasure building inside my lower stomach. Dew then kissed my lips roughly before bitting the lower one and whispered "Come... Now!". I was more than happy to release the pleasurable tension inside me as my voice filled the room. His grip also let go of me as I heard my name escaping his mouth before feeling one final thrust. After that there was just mine and his unstable, deep breathing... Nothing more, nothing less. We were both a sweaty, aroused mess at this point and it never felt better!

Soon after I was able to come back to reality I felt his lips brushing against my bare shoulder. This time it was tender, gentle and sensual. It had nothing to do with what just happened. "Y/N... Stop driving me crazy like this. Not that I don't like it, but... I was about to beat the shit out of both Rain and Swiss" he whispered as I chuckled and turned my head to him, kissing him gently, before whispering back "My dorky firecracker..."  

Destcember 2

Anonymous Titan video. Subject: the Day Light died.

There we were. *Points to the sky* rings of Saturn. Crucible match. Some guys come in for a quick bit of glimmer, maybe a few bounties for Lord Shaxx. I never liked that, personally. You should want to be there, testing your light against others. Guardians are the elite, world savior's and God slayers. If there's any way to sharpen your light, it's there. It's our duty to one another, and to the kinderguardians to give our all. To kill them, to teach them how not to be killed again.

*laughs* sorry, I'm obviously very passionate about the crucible. We can go into what it means to me and all that someday. But you asked about the day Light was captured. It's a pretty way of saying it, I guess. For us Guardians, it was like something was ripped away. It was the crushing weight of mortality so long forgotten, settling on our shoulders. It was terrifying. So there I was, with my team. Mid match. Heavy ammo had dropped, and one of blue team grabbed it. Nah I was red team that day. So we had been clashing in the center with the curved stairwells, outriders covering each side made flanking a nightmare. So it was scouts and snipers mostly, hammering across the open bit. The odd super disrupting things, sure, but we fell back into trading blows soon enough. Well I see a guy coming round with a friggin tube on his shoulder. That means rockets, and depending on the shot it could mean a bad death. I popped my rally barricade, what? Oh right, a rally barricade is light, but forced into a wall. Some guys make em short, so they can peek over them. A few guys with them can easily leap frog into more solid cover, a good tactic when fighting cabal incidentally. Anyways, I make mine tall. I'm talking a slightly curved wall, two and a half meters tall and almost three wide. I cracked it off right as launcher boy pulled the trigger.

*pop* it left the tube, and all of a sudden I weighed a million pounds. My barricade, which would've caught the rocket, was gone. This thing, it was coming straight at me. I mean helmet level. But I couldn't move, we had just lost the light, all of us. My armor was weighing me down, and without the light to help power it, I couldn't maintain a crouch. I fell down, and as emberassing as that is, it saved my life. I took some fragments. I've got scars, funnily enough. Hm? Oh *laughs* sorry, I forget this is for everyone. For you fighters without ghosts, you've got scars and stories for each one. For us, when we're hurt or we die, the light brings us back or fixes us. No scars, not bruises. That's why a guardian with scars now, is such a big deal. Either you were far from the light and ended up in a bad way, or you got them that day. I would've bled out, I think. Some Exo hunter from the other side came over, friggin guy knew first aid. I'm talking normal human first aid. *Sighs* He saved my life. I used to have some ideas about Exos being dangerous. Not being a true part of humanity. When he took off my helmet, and I saw his eyes... Exos are us. I couldn't doubt their humanity after that, and light burn me for ever doubting it before. He stopped the bleeding, stabilized me. A hunter behind me... He wasn't so lucky.

One of red team, a warlock I think, he knew the hunter. Both were awoken see, they were friends that ended up on both sides of the match. It happens more often than you'd think. Turns out, these two were close. When the hunter died, and his ghost just sat there silently the warlock couldn't stand it. *He taps a hand cannon on his thigh* put one in his own head. When his ghost came out, it just floated weakly, it's purple eye dim and unsteady. I... May I have a moment?

(in the background, a voice says something indistinct, but it sounds like an affirmative)

It was a bad day. A dark day, in many ways. The Hunter who saved me, took the bodies with him. Last I heard both have come back, but they're different. What's that? Oh I don't mean weird, or strange. I just mean dying, really dying what could've been the last death, changed those guys. You couldn't separate them for anything now. I'm getting side tracked here. The point of me doing this, recording. Interview. Statement. Whatever, I had a goal. And that is to tell you, Guardians, and you, people fighting without Ghosts; we are family. Bury your prejudice, let go of grievances. When the light dims and the night closes in, we are all that we have. We are all that keeps humanity through each night. The day the light died, it changed everything. I like to think it changed me for the better. I hope it can be used to change us all, for the better.

(The Titan human male stands, tall and proud he looks into the camera.)

I am proud of you, Guardians. You fight and die and come back over and over, never stopping to push back against the dark.

I am proud of the militia, and the people who took up arms on that darkest of days and stood shoulder to shoulder, facing down what was supposed to be our end.

I am honoured by the sacrifice made by all who fell, protecting one another, the children of the city and their families. I have seen footage of guardians, lightless, charging the enemy to save citizens. And I have seen citizens take up guardian weapons and protect those guardians who were hurt, children who saved Ghosts from cabal guns and feet and cleavers.

I am proud of the strength and unity each of you showed; I am humbled by the bravery and strength in the hearts of all people. I will carry you with me, for inspiration and strength.

*He turns, to display his mark. A white background contrasts sharply with a stylized black hand cupping a dark grey ghost*

I had this made, for that day. And now I'm not the only Titan wearing one, but I am wearing the first. The black background is to mourn those no longer with us. The hand, represents the people who protected those in need. The Ghost, is for Guardians, protectors and the protected in those dark, horrible days. If you see this mark, or a grey ghost projected with a black hand on a warlock bond, or a hunter with a hand and ghost on their cloak, ask them their story. Ask them of the day light died. This sigil is for those who were saved, those who died, and the memory of those who were taken forever. It is a scar, the mark of a story. And also, a mark of thanks.

💗 Hi dear!!! 💗 I'M JUST CURIOUS LITTLE LITTE CURIOUS

💌 for Leroy and Henry separately

Sorry I am late had lots to do:

💌— What kind of love notes/messages do they leave their partner?

-Mainly affectionate teases, nothing to poetic, he would write things like: "can't wait to see you again." "I planned something special for you. " "Thanks for accepting me as I am." So genuine usually but also things like "You look cute when you are emberassed." He has his teasing sides.

-gifts mainly sweets and treats

-Henry is very romantic and passionate, "You are the most beautiful pearl in the sea." "I will make this a night you will never forget." Things like this.

-very fancy gifts, probably expensive.

Episode 12 - "i'm baaaaaacckkkkk 😈" ~Jodi

An iconic moment happened today and I accidentally voted my closest ally out of the game. So Brayden got sent home and he is going to hate me when he finds out what happened. I did kind of get him out on accident I did not mean for Brayden to go I wanted Jay gone but I was blindsided by Colin and Josh and Elle AND AMY!!??]£[_[3 Omg. Im really upset that hes gone i miss him so much and I dont know how Im gonna go on without his brain. I dont trust Jay but Jared and Jay were both messaging me about how they already forgive me and stuff so thats a little crazy. I think it could be fake or they are just desperate for numbers. But I am with Josh and Amy and Colin and Elle now. I want to be with their numbers. I talked to all of them individually and they said they all were sorry for lying to me and causing me to get my friend out. I know its just a game but I just feel awful and so guilty right now. This has probably been the worst day of my life. He probably will never play another org with me again and hes the only reason i play orgs its boring without him. We are best friends increal life and I hope he can forgive me. I havent said anything to him because thats breaking the rules. But when he finds out im literally so scared of what he'll say to me. I pray he will forgive me I am literally so dumb af.

i'm baaaaaacckkkkk..................... 😈

This is literally worst case right now with jodi winning the play back like throughout the day she has won back her allies including anastasia since she swapped coins with her. Elle, colin, and josh all gave me all their coins to grab immunity before the other side to protect me but also it makes me a bigger target lol plus I gave elle some swapped to get the second thing the leftover because I THOUGHT it could give us an extra vote since that was ony menu but I was tired and drunk and it was a LOT of words and it was just the hunts which I knew didn't have any and I feel terrible bc 150 tokens and my actual alliance is going to be so mad when they realize THAT I HAVE THE LAST ONES and fucked up in suggesting it at all. First they were going for info. So now I think Jodi got all the other sides tokens and they are pooling for something idek. It's literally worst case like we were set to be up 5-2 or at least 4-3 and now it looks like it's 4-4 again hahaha neat. And it looks like colin is chatting with jodi again and they are making deals lol like tbh if she gets to the end I am voting for her to win I've said it many rounds. Turns out anastasia and brayden not only know each other irl they are besties so she mad mad. And Josh looks to be making deals and thinking about flipping so I am on borrowed time but tbh I never expected to make merge. I am glad I have immunity bc I physically couldn't do the challenge anywU here lol and I fucked that up too hahahaha. Good times all around. Like I want to tell them about my steal a vote to have official numbers but now they'd just be mad hahaha literally colin and I had every advantage except jared's idol now. Ahhhh idk what to do but it remains hilarious. I'm expecting Raffy to give my info in these in the market and that is no bueno ahahahaha. I am tempted to just give colin everything bc it's funny. Also jodi talked to me until 1am just trying to guilt me into being back with her I said I have to sleep goodnight like 5 times minimum. Her social game is so good that's why I think she has them all back with her and possibly josh. The problem is that I was keeping her close bc she had the info from others and from my game. I really never had a number one lol bc I was just vibing and I guess now colin is bc I flipped with him lol and I think it's hilarious he grew his army from 0 to 5 almost.

~

I have a suspicion colin and anastasia have actually been closely aligned this whole time and she knew everything all along. Colin sure loves giving out info haha. And apparently deals are happening all over, none of which I have made 😂

Jodi's backkkkk, wild wild wilddddd. The challenge went poorly, darn thats like 20 minutes wasted. We bought the refresh and there was nothing there 💔 that's 150 tokens wasted 😅. But! We got Amy immunity✨ and then Colin won the challenge so tbh everything's still going great lol. Wonder how we're gonna vote this round :/ we'll see how this goes! I've stopped worrying whether I'm going completely, it either happens or it doesn't 💖 xoxo, gossip girl (this is misleading I HAVE NOT SEEN THE SHOW i just know way too much about it because i have friends that did lol)

So after I voted my showmance Brayden out of the game I was left with an interesting situation. I had cried to Josh Colin and Amy that I was alone now and that my whole alliance hated me. With Jodi back in, I dont think they believe me. I literally flipped sides so I could be in their alliance because I didnt trust Jay and Jared and Jodi. But they literally lied to me about the vote and said it was nothing personal to me but they didnt tell me the plan because they wanted to see if I was lying. Which sucks for me because I then voted Brayden out :( Now that they know that im truthful they said they would work with me now. But all of them have been pretty inactive today. I talked to Amy the most and a little Colin and a little Josh. But I wasnt in their alliance. So I asked Amy if I could be added into an alliance chat since I was apperently in their alliance now. And she said sure. And they added me to a vote block. That is not an alliance group chat btw. So I was like wow thanks. But inside I was like screw this. So before this all happened, Jodi, Jay and Jared put me in a true alliance group chat. This morning I was ready to work with Colin and Josh but not anymore. Not after they put me in a vote block chat clearly saying to me that I am just a number to be used. They don't even need my vote either because Amy has an idol and Amy and Colin are safe. So I'm obviously voting with Jay, Jared, and Jodi. And I know they probably have a final three without me. They could call it something really cool like the three J's. But I called Jay and explained everything to him. (Also Jay forgave me for literally trying to get him out. He umderstands that its a game and all of my motives about not trusting him anymore.) He said he would be a hypocrite if he didnt forgive me because he told people my name in the chaos vote. So I actually think we are cool. And I told Jay that I am his number one. Which is true. He told me a lot of things about how Amy is actually really smart and stuff (I thought that girl was just a goat that I could take to the end with me) But her and colin are tight and both immune. This is bad. Basically we will go to rocks unless Elle flips to our side. Jay is giving his pitch to Elle tommarow. And maybe I will apologize to her correctly tomarow too. ALSO SPELLING THE WORD TOMARROW IS THE HARDEST THING IN MY LIFE. Also I took 62 minutes to complete a puzzle today so thats kind of emberassing. Anyways bye everyone this was so much fun to type omg.

Lol I woke up to a text from jodi asking if anyone was taking about votes yet and I said no because I went to sleep early bc I almost passed out from heat yesterday and had just woke up and she responded "ummmm lol...." 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry I sleep. She's in Colin's dms saying how I was legit her number one and now we can't even talk about votes. Like yeah girl we worked our asses off to get you out of the game sorry I'm not happy you are back. Also I'm still at disney world so I don't have the time for a million conversations. I know I'm going to be the Russell Hanz of the f3 /if/ I make it. So what's jury management lol like she was already pissed I voted her out and I plan to do it again. Anyway it looks like it's hilariously about to be a unanimous jay vote tonight but I am thinking we throw one vote somewhere else in case of an idol. But if jodi did get anastasia back we can't do that. Anyway lol I'm immune so whatever. Elle and Colin discussed like if it's on elle (which apparently jared proposed an alliance of 5 which included myself lol!) Then we could go to rocks and have only josh as a possibility and statistically he won't go if he is willing to go to rocks that it. All this to say I'm f7 and I want to keep my extra vote to f6 if possible so I can use the idol for fun at f5.

https://youtu.be/snpKevncc44

My quest has come to an end. I joined this game to be someone who could be there for Jodi. Jodi and I played survivor subrosa together and we both had rough experiences due to a player in the game who harassed jodi and tried to convince everyone I was misogynistic. As much as I love Survivor, I didn’t play this game to win. I played this game because Jodi told me she was playing it and I wanted to be her body guard. I wanted to be someone who could be there for her both as a number but also as an enforcer, anybody who ever dared to do anything to Jodi would’ve had to have dealt with me. Tonight, Amy and Colin have immunity, and either amy or josh or elle have an idol, so there’s no point in making any noise tonight and wasting Jared’s idol. None of those 4 trust me, and I doubt any of them like me. It is what it is, it’s best for Jodi, Jared, and Anastasia’s game to move forward without me, and it’s smart for Jared to keep his idol. Tonight, I will be voted out, and I am 100% at peace with it. 

Since Elle, Josh, Amy and Colin pooled their tokens for immunity and advantage refresh, it means all the advantages and disadvantages are on our side. Plan is to send Elle a disadvantage and let Colin know because honestly it’s not hard to find out anyways. Jay doesn’t mind getting booted at some point cuz he wants to stand for me on the jury, but I don’t want to boot him right now. Obviously they won’t boot Elle, so I’m going to see if Jared will propose Anastasia. The thing right now is me/Jay/Anastasia/Jared also know next round is invisible. So I want Jay or Anastasia to send Colin and Amy disadvantages because if they’re paranoid seeing me Jared/Jay/Anastasia have advantages and they have disadvantages, they might be paranoid enough to play all their idols. I also wanted to keep Jay for this round as it’d be unanimous and something everyone can settle on. Jared wanted to do me/Jared/Josh/Amy/Colin as an alliance but has concerns about the 3 of them being in top 5 in the majority snd also Colin having his ideal f3. I told him my plan has the best shot at flushing all idols and hopefully we can either get Josh to flip or at least have Amy/Colin vulnerable at 5/6. Last thing is Jared is worried he’d be blindsided this round. I told him my plan and I said even if he wanted to flush his idol this round, next round should be ok if we all vote out Jay and the rest of them flush idols. Good to be back in the game! I genuinely believe Colin wants me as a shield at least for this round, and if I can make it through, I have a game to play. 

Not everyone saying they only bought an advantage lol what about those other 70 tokens 👀👀👀 Like it must be jay unless someone is lying haha i am hoping people are just busy bc these answers I'm getting from Josh and Colin are concerning 😂 It looks like only elle and got disadvantages ☠️ I am really hoping not to be a target next round even though I know I will be haha. Next round is only 7 and I'd love to take out jodi and jared before they turn on me ☠️ especially since colin creeped on jodi's insta and it is possible they know each other from sports irl. And she was so concerned about all these pregame connections 😂 and here it was likely to deflect. Anyway I just swapped my position of having jodi do all the social work with having colin do all the social work knowing full well I'm not gonna get those end votes. I'm just trying to pull up my placement average now 😂. I hope everyone sees me as having no social game to take me to the end lol bc realistically I don't bc I don't care to put in that time this game. As I write from the pirates of the caribbean line 😂 So anyway if I'm not being lied to which I might be it looks like unanimous jay tonight but also I think the other group was talking split on jay like a 3-3-2 and I'm like wait the 2 wouldn't help. Elle are you okay with that? So I think they must have figured out I have stuff ☠️ I wonder what people REALLY bought haha okay bye

Jodi is back, not just Jodi Jodi, but player Jodi. Player Jodi thinks a LOT. When I was out, the entire time I was hoping somebody caught on that Amy flipped because they knew to put a stray vote on Colin to protect him from chaos idol, but they left Josh exposed. Why? Because Colin knew Amy was going to throw a vote on Josh. Also, Colin tied with me for closest ally and that set off an alarm too. Onto the next. So Colin won immunity, Amy bought immunity, but this could possibly be good because it means they are playing knowing they are not at risk themselves. Anastasia is voting with them this round, but she's actually working with us. She told us that the actual plan on that side is: "Jay, Jared, Jodi vote elle and Elle, Amy, Colin vote Jay and Josh and Anastasia vote Jodi" Anastasia will vote me here to continue "working" with them for the next vote. Essentially, they thought that Jay had the merge idol this whole time and Colin was weary about it, and that's why he got nervous about sending out Jay last round. That told me Colin did not have the merge idol. Josh came to me too about Jay having the merge idol. But the way they're splitting the votes this round shows me now that somebody has stepped forward to mention they have it (likely Elle) because if Jay idoled, Elle goes in this split vote plan. Therefore, somebody must've been like "ok let's just be safe and split the votes, I have the other idol". That's good and bad because now Colin has no merge idol paranoia, and they're also able to use it together. It also did confirm to me they've talked about it. Here's where things get tricky. Player Jodi is so tempted to run with it and do a 4-3-1 Josh-Jay-Jodi but it's so risky and could possibly destroy the long term social game, especially if they idol for Josh and Jay goes anyway (we are not idoling for him here). So instead, I'm going to use Jay's vote out to the best of my advantage. Hopefully flush an idol if possible, maybe a steal-a-vote, something. Knowing about next round being invisible is good info for us. Having this info is so key and usually I would think that immunity for a round is bigger than this but being able to plan ahead for a GAME-CHANGING twist is crucial here. My move here is to play the game through psychological distress. I have no advantages! Since they're out of tokens from buying immunity, me/Anastasia/Jared/Jay bought advantages for ourselves and also sent out disadvantages to Colin/Amy/Elle. Seeing that not only we have advantages but also them having disadvantages, they probably still feel like things will be ok because they'll just split votes or whatever and one of them needs to win immunity. But given this is an invisible round, I think Amy is honestly paranoid enough to just play her idol, hopefully Elle does too, and then between me and Jared, we'll idol for one of us. I also plan on bluffing an advantage coming back from Jury, and say something along the lines of having to survive one round before the advantage got activated. I'm going for the win, everyone, I know that if I get to the end with anybody, I have a solid shot at winning. I just need to get there and to do that, I must play an adaptable game – more than ever. PS I am holding onto Jared's idol right now. Power (temporary) feels amazing. Dw I'm giving it back....😈

this has been the most chill round in a while. which is really weird consider JODI IS BACK AND WE BLINDSIDED BRAYDEN LAST ROUND this round is turning out to be what I WANTED last round to be. everyone is talking with everyone, people are trying to disband the sides and all intermingle. it's really interesting how no one else was on board with this until after they lost majority. seems like people don't like playing from the bottom. weird huh now these bitches know how I felt >:( anyway. jodi is back. it's weird. she knows that amy flipped now and everyone is playing very carefully my ideal boot this round was either jay or josh, in that order. so when my gay ass WON IMMUNITY I immediately put out jay's name. we already have the numbers, but I also like said my piece to jodi and jared, this is yalls chance to prove to me that you're really with me and sides don't exist. the ball is in their court do i trust them? no. am I worried? no. i have immunity, the scariest thing rn is that I think Jay is voting Elle, and if Jared and Jodi are with him then that's scary, bc Jared has an idol. The ONLY people I would play my idol for is Amy and Elle, and Elle being in trouble means I might have to play my idol on her if Jay idols himself. We have enough to split, so I'm not worried, I just hope all goes according to plan. sorry my confessional is lame. its the weekend now so i have time uwu. I'll write more the next few days

So this whole token twist thing has really annoyed me. Because of me wanting to show my loyalty to my alliance, i gave away all my coins to Amy so that she could but immunity. And against my wishes, Elle wasted her coins on the “advantage” which turned out to be a dud. I wanted to get coins together to buy game info or better yet, trade coins with other people. But i was left with nothing, while all the people on the other side used their coins to buy advantages in the next immunity challenge making it even harder for me to secure my safety. Maybe this new 2 Gays and a Jared alliance might actually pan out but im tired of getting the short end of the stick with everything.

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Anastasia: She is in the middle of the two sides. They both need her for the rest of this game before a side is terminated. She is the most powerful because she is in the middle.

Jodi: Has regained a lot of her footing in this game. Is being used as a shield by the people who voted her out. The decision to vote out Jay is questionable, but she still has a lot of power thanks to the knowledge Anastasia and Jared feed her.

Colin: The head of the opposing side. Seems to not know what is really going on with Anastasia. But his allies are willing to take him to the end which is good. Needs to avoid falling into a Jodi pitfall.

Amy: Her rat behavior has been exposed, but her allies are still willing to defend her. Second in command on the Colin side. She is being handed these immunities.

Jared: Jodi’s new #1. Will probably make it to the end of this game. However, he isn’t calling the shots and is in danger of being targeted as an “easy” vote or being called a goat at the end. Needs to start taking fate in his own hands.

Elle: Lost a lot of footing because of not telling Anastasia the truth. This move caused Anastasia to go back to Jodi’s side which will hurt in the coming round. Is the next target for the Jodi side.

Jay: Died on the sword for Jodi. I am confused why they didn’t just stack 4 votes somewhere else, but it is whatever. Has basically given up.

Josh: Left out of a lot of discussions. Is on the outside of his alliances and from the opposing side. Is the most in danger of getting targeted or being a casualty of an idol.

I'm terrified.

My head is overflowing. I showed a picture of you and my chest tightened, the shaking started. And I was so fucking emberassed, you have still so much impact on me. I let you under my skin, I trusted you but you had other intentions than loving me. Now I had a great time, but with a pounding heart I'm waiting for angry messages, for every mistake I made, for every detail I did wrong and letting some things slip. The messages that even though I tried my best, gave my everything, stepped way out of my comfortzone, you somehow ending up on feeling "horrible" and dissapointed, I treated you wrong, making me pleading sorry, crying, shaking. Trying to put the pieces together and ending up in self-hatred, bleeding lines and confusion. Because, "I'd probably kill myself if you left." And tonight even though I snorted constantly, stutters in english, laughing until crying, stupid pictures, pizza and Phil's live show there won't be any angry messages about how fucking stupid I am, that I ruined the day, that I was fucking awkward and childish. The messages won't come but somehow, my body is preparing itself for them, retracing every sentence, movement and laugh. Finding every mistake and making a mental note of it, waiting for messages how I fucked up. They won't come They won't come They won't come anymore.