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There is a sunny earnestness to Dawn Dorland, an un-self-conscious openness that endears her to some people and that others have found to be a little extra. Her friends call her a “feeler”: openhearted and eager, pressing to make connections with others even as, in many instances, she feels like an outsider. An essayist and aspiring novelist who has taught writing classes in Los Angeles, she is the sort of writer who, in one authorial mission statement, declares her faith in the power of fiction to “share truth,” to heal trauma, to build bridges. (“I’m compelled at funerals to shake hands with the dusty men who dig our graves,” she has written.) She is known for signing off her emails not with “All best” or “Sincerely,” but “Kindly.”

On June 24, 2015, a year after completing her M.F.A. in creative writing, Dorland did perhaps the kindest, most consequential thing she might ever do in her life. She donated one of her kidneys, and elected to do it in a slightly unusual and particularly altruistic way. As a so-called nondirected donation, her kidney was not meant for anyone in particular but instead was part of a donation chain, coordinated by surgeons to provide a kidney to a recipient who may otherwise have no other living donor. There was some risk with the procedure, of course, and a recovery to think about, and a one-kidney life to lead from that point forward. But in truth, Dorland, in her 30s at the time, had been wanting to do it for years. “As soon as I learned I could,” she told me recently, on the phone from her home in Los Angeles, where she and her husband were caring for their toddler son and elderly pit bull (and, in their spare time, volunteering at dog shelters and searching for adoptive families for feral cat litters). “It’s kind of like not overthinking love, you know?”

Several weeks before the surgery, Dorland decided to share her truth with others. She started a private Facebook group, inviting family and friends, including some fellow writers from GrubStreet, the Boston writing center where Dorland had spent many years learning her craft. After her surgery, she posted something to her group: a heartfelt letter she’d written to the final recipient of the surgical chain, whoever they may be.

Personally, my childhood was marked by trauma and abuse; I didn’t have the opportunity to form secure attachments with my family of origin. A positive outcome of my early life is empathy, that it opened a well of possibility between me and strangers. While perhaps many more people would be motivated to donate an organ to a friend or family member in need, to me, the suffering of strangers is just as real. … Throughout my preparation for becoming a donor … I focused a majority of my mental energy on imagining and celebrating you.

The procedure went well. By a stroke of luck, Dorland would even get to meet the recipient, an Orthodox Jewish man, and take photos with him and his family. In time, Dorland would start posting outside the private group to all of Facebook, celebrating her one-year “kidneyversary” and appearing as a UCLA Health Laker for a Day at the Staples Center to support live-organ donation. But just after the surgery, when she checked Facebook, Dorland noticed some people she’d invited into the group hadn’t seemed to react to any of her posts. On July 20, she wrote an email to one of them: a writer named Sonya Larson.

Larson and Dorland had met eight years earlier in Boston. They were just a few years apart in age, and for several years they ran in the same circles, hitting the same events, readings and workshops at the GrubStreet writing center. But in the years since Dorland left town, Larson had leveled up. Her short fiction was published, in Best American Short Stories and elsewhere; she took charge of GrubStreet’s annual Muse and the Marketplace literary conference, and as a mixed-race Asian American, she marshaled the group’s diversity efforts. She also joined a group of published writers that calls itself the Chunky Monkeys (a whimsical name, referring to breaking off little chunks of big projects to share with the other members). One of those writing-group members, Celeste Ng, who wrote “Little Fires Everywhere,” told me that she admires Larson’s ability to create “characters who have these big blind spots.” While they think they’re presenting themselves one way, they actually come across as something else entirely.

When it comes to literary success, the stakes can be pretty low — a fellowship or residency here, a short story published there. But it seemed as if Larson was having the sort of writing life that Dorland once dreamed of having. After many years, Dorland, still teaching, had yet to be published. But to an extent that she once had a writing community, GrubStreet was it. And Larson was, she believed, a close friend.

Over email, on July 21, 2015, Larson answered Dorland’s message with a chirpy reply — “How have you been, my dear?” Dorland replied with a rundown of her next writing residencies and workshops, and as casually as possible, asked: “I think you’re aware that I donated my kidney this summer. Right?”

Only then did Larson gush: “Ah, yes — I did see on Facebook that you donated your kidney. What a tremendous thing!”

Afterward, Dorland would wonder: If she really thought it was that great, why did she need reminding that it happened?

They wouldn’t cross paths again until the following spring — a brief hello at A.W.P., the annual writing conference, where the subject of Dorland’s kidney went unmentioned. A month later, at the GrubStreet Muse conference in Boston, Dorland sensed something had shifted — not just with Larson but with various GrubStreet eminences, old friends and mentors of hers who also happened to be members of Larson’s writing group, the Chunky Monkeys. Barely anyone brought up what she’d done, even though everyone must have known she’d done it. “It was a little bit like, if you’ve been at a funeral and nobody wanted to talk about it — it just was strange to me,” she said. “I left that conference with this question: Do writers not care about my kidney donation? Which kind of confused me, because I thought I was in a community of service-oriented people.”

It didn’t take long for a clue to surface. On June 24, 2016, a Facebook friend of Dorland’s named Tom Meek commented on one of Dorland’s posts.

Sonya read a cool story about giving out a kidney. You came to my mind and I wondered if you were the source of inspiration?

Still impressed you did this.

Dorland was confused. A year earlier, Larson could hardly be bothered to talk about it. Now, at Trident bookstore in Boston, she’d apparently read from a new short story about that very subject. Meek had tagged Larson in his comment, so Dorland thought that Larson must have seen it. She waited for Larson to chime in — to say, “Oh, yes, I’d meant to tell you, Dawn!” or something like that — but there was nothing. Why would Sonya write about it, she wondered, and not tell her?

Six days later, she decided to ask her. Much as she had a year earlier, she sent Larson a friendly email, including one pointed request: “Hey, I heard you wrote a kidney-donation story. Cool! Can I read it?”

‘I hope it doesn’t feel too weird for your gift to have inspired works of art.’

Ten days later, Larson wrote back saying that yes, she was working on a story “about a woman who receives a kidney, partially inspired by how my imagination took off after learning of your own tremendous donation.” In her writing, she spun out a scenario based not on Dorland, she said, but on something else — themes that have always fascinated her. “I hope it doesn’t feel too weird for your gift to have inspired works of art,” Larson wrote.

Dorland wrote back within hours. She admitted to being “a little surprised,” especially “since we’re friends and you hadn’t mentioned it.” The next day, Larson replied, her tone a bit removed, stressing that her story was “not about you or your particular gift, but about narrative possibilities I began thinking about.”

But Dorland pressed on. “It’s the interpersonal layer that feels off to me, Sonya. … You seemed not to be aware of my donation until I pointed it out. But if you had already kicked off your fictional project at this time, well, I think your behavior is a little deceptive. At least, weird.”

Larson’s answer this time was even cooler. “Before this email exchange,” she wrote, “I hadn’t considered that my individual vocal support (or absence of it) was of much significance.”

Which, though it was shrouded in politesse, was a different point altogether. Who, Larson seemed to be saying, said we were such good friends?

For many years now, Dorland has been working on a sprawling novel, “Econoline,” which interweaves a knowing, present-day perspective with vivid, sometimes brutal but often romantic remembrances of an itinerant rural childhood. The van in the title is, she writes in a recent draft, “blue as a Ty-D-Bowl tablet. Bumbling on the highway, bulky and off-kilter, a junebug in the wind.” The family in the narrative survives on “government flour, canned juice and beans” and “ruler-long bricks of lard” that the father calls “commodities.”

Dorland is not shy about explaining how her past has afforded her a degree of moral clarity that others might not come by so easily. She was raised in near poverty in rural Iowa. Her parents moved around a lot, she told me, and the whole family lived under a stigma. One small consolation was the way her mother modeled a certain perverse self-reliance, rejecting the judgments of others. Another is how her turbulent youth has served as a wellspring for much of her writing. She made her way out of Iowa with a scholarship to Scripps College in California, followed by divinity school at Harvard. Unsure of what to do next, she worked day jobs in advertising in Boston while dabbling in workshops at the GrubStreet writing center. When she noticed classmates cooing over Marilynne Robinson’s novel “Housekeeping,” she picked up a copy. After inhaling its story of an eccentric small-town upbringing told with sensitive, all-seeing narration, she knew she wanted to become a writer.

At GrubStreet, Dorland eventually became one of several “teaching scholars” at the Muse conference, leading workshops on such topics as “Truth and Taboo: Writing Past Shame.” Dorland credits two members of the Chunky Monkeys group, Adam Stumacher and Chris Castellani, with advising her. But in hindsight, much of her GrubStreet experience is tied up with her memories of Sonya Larson. She thinks they first met at a one-off writing workshop Larson taught, though Larson, for her part, says she doesn’t remember this. Everybody at GrubStreet knew Larson — she was one of the popular, ever-present people who worked there. On nights out with other Grubbies, Dorland remembers Larson getting personal, confiding about an engagement, the death of someone she knew and plans to apply to M.F.A. programs — though Larson now says she shared such things widely. When a job at GrubStreet opened up, Larson encouraged her to apply. Even when she didn’t get it, everyone was so gracious about it, including Larson, that she felt included all the same.

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Now, as she read these strained emails from Larson — about this story of a kidney donation; her kidney donation? — Dorland wondered if everyone at GrubStreet had been playing a different game, with rules she’d failed to grasp. On July 15, 2016, Dorland’s tone turned brittle, even wounded: “Here was a friend entrusting something to you, making herself vulnerable to you. At least, the conclusion I can draw from your responses is that I was mistaken to consider us the friends that I did.”

Larson didn’t answer right away. Three days later, Dorland took her frustrations to Facebook, in a blind item: “I discovered that a writer friend has based a short story on something momentous I did in my own life, without telling me or ever intending to tell me (another writer tipped me off).” Still nothing from Larson.

Dorland waited another day and then sent her another message both in a text and in an email: “I am still surprised that you didn’t care about my personal feelings. … I wish you’d given me the benefit of the doubt that I wouldn’t interfere.” Yet again, no response.

The next day, on July 20, she wrote again: “Am I correct that you do not want to make peace? Not hearing from you sends that message.”

Larson answered this time. “I see that you’re merely expressing real hurt, and for that I am truly sorry,” she wrote on July 21. But she also changed gears a little. “I myself have seen references to my own life in others’ fiction, and it certainly felt weird at first. But I maintain that they have a right to write about what they want — as do I, and as do you.”

Hurt feelings or not, Larson was articulating an ideal — a principle she felt she and all writers ought to live up to. “For me, honoring another’s artistic freedom is a gesture of friendship,” Larson wrote, “and of trust.”

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Sonya Larson in Massachussetts.Credit...Kholood Eid for The New York Times

Like Dawn Dorland, Sonya Larson understands life as an outsider. The daughter of a Chinese American mother and white father, she was brought up in a predominantly white, middle-class enclave in Minnesota, where being mixed-race sometimes confused her. “It took me a while to realize the things I was teased about were intertwined with my race,” she told me over the phone from Somerville, where she lived with her husband and baby daughter. Her dark hair, her slight build: In a short story called “Gabe Dove,” which was picked for the 2017 edition of Best American Short Stories, Larson’s protagonist is a second-generation Asian American woman named Chuntao, who is used to men putting their fingers around her wrist and remarking on how narrow it is, almost as if she were a toy, a doll, a plaything.

Larson’s path toward writing was more conventional than Dorland’s. She started earlier, after her first creative-writing class at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. When she graduated, in 2005, she moved to Boston and walked into GrubStreet to volunteer the next day. Right away, she became one of a handful of people who kept the place running. In her fiction, Larson began exploring the sensitive subject matter that had always fascinated her: racial dynamics, and people caught between cultures. In time, she moved beyond mere political commentary to revel in her characters’ flaws — like a more socially responsible Philip Roth, though every bit as happy to be profane and fun and provocative. Even as she allows readers to be one step ahead of her characters, to see how they’re going astray, her writing luxuriates in the seductive power that comes from living an unmoored life. “He described thick winding streams and lush mountain gorges,” the rudderless Chuntao narrates in “Gabe Dove,” “obviously thinking I’d enjoy this window into my ancestral country, but in truth, I wanted to slap him.”

Chuntao, or a character with that name, turns up in many of Larson’s stories, as a sort of a motif — a little different each time Larson deploys her. She appears again in “The Kindest,” the story that Larson had been reading from at the Trident bookstore in 2016. Here, Chuntao is married, with an alcohol problem. A car crash precipitates the need for a new organ, and her whole family is hoping the donation will serve as a wake-up call, a chance for Chuntao to redeem herself. That’s when the donor materializes. White, wealthy and entitled, the woman who gave Chuntao her kidney is not exactly an uncomplicated altruist: She is a stranger to her own impulses, unaware of how what she considers a selfless act also contains elements of intense, unbridled narcissism.

In early drafts of the story, the donor character’s name was Dawn. In later drafts, Larson ended up changing the name to Rose. While Dorland no doubt was an inspiration, Larson argues that in its finished form, her story moved far beyond anything Dorland herself had ever said or done. But in every iteration of “The Kindest,” the donor says she wants to meet Chuntao to celebrate, to commune — only she really wants something more, something ineffable, like acknowledgment, or gratitude, or recognition, or love.

Still, they’re not so different, Rose and Chuntao. “I think they both confuse love with worship,” Larson told me. “And they both see love as something they have to go get; it doesn’t already exist inside of them.” All through “The Kindest,” love or validation operates almost like a commodity — a precious elixir that heals all pain. “The thing about the dying,” Chuntao narrates toward the end, “is they command the deepest respect, respect like an underground river resonant with primordial sounds, the kind of respect that people steal from one another.”

They aren’t entirely equal, however. While Chuntao is the story’s flawed hero, Rose is more a subject of scrutiny — a specimen to be analyzed. The study of the hidden motives of privileged white people comes naturally to Larson. “When you’re mixed-race, as I am, people have a way of ‘confiding’ in you,” she once told an interviewer. What they say, often about race, can be at odds with how they really feel. In “The Kindest,” Chuntao sees through Rose from the start. She knows what Rose wants — to be a white savior — and she won’t give it to her. (“So she’s the kindest bitch on the planet?” she says to her husband.) By the end, we may no longer feel a need to change Chuntao. As one critic in the literary journal Ploughshares wrote when the story was published in 2017: “Something has got to be admired about someone who returns from the brink of death unchanged, steadfast in their imperfections.”

For some readers, “The Kindest” is a rope-a-dope. If you thought this story was about Chuntao’s redemption, you’re as complicit as Rose. This, of course, was entirely intentional. Just before she wrote “The Kindest,” Larson helped run a session on race in her graduate program that became strangely contentious. “Many of the writers who identified as white were quite literally seeing the racial dynamics of what we were discussing very differently from the people of color in the room,” she said. “It was as if we were just simply talking past one another, and it was scary.” At the time, she’d been fascinated by “the dress” — that internet meme with a photo some see as black and blue and others as white and gold. Nothing interests Larson more than a thing that can be seen differently by two people, and she saw now how no subject demonstrates that better than race. She wanted to write a story that was like a Rorschach test, one that might betray the reader’s own hidden biases.

When reflecting on Chuntao, Larson often comes back to the character’s autonomy, her nerve. “She resisted,” she told me. Chuntao refused to become subsumed by Rose’s narrative. “And I admire that. And I think that small acts of refusal like that are things that people of color — and writers of color — in this country have to bravely do all the time.”

Larson and Dorland have each taken and taught enough writing workshops to know that artists, almost by definition, borrow from life. They transform real people and events into something invented, because what is the great subject of art — the only subject, really — if not life itself? This was part of why Larson seemed so unmoved by Dorland’s complaints. Anyone can be inspired by anything. And if you don’t like it, why not write about it yourself?

But to Dorland, this was more than just material. She’d become a public voice in the campaign for live-organ donation, and she felt some responsibility for representing the subject in just the right way. The potential for saving lives, after all, matters more than any story. And yes, this was also her own life — the crystallization of the most important aspects of her personality, from the traumas of her childhood to the transcending of those traumas today. Her proudest moment, she told me, hadn’t been the surgery itself, but making it past the psychological and other clearances required to qualify as a donor. “I didn’t do it in order to heal. I did it because I had healed — I thought.”

The writing world seemed more suspicious to her now. At around the time of her kidney donation, there was another writer, a published novelist, who announced a new book with a protagonist who, in its description, sounded to her an awful lot like the one in “Econoline” — not long after she shared sections of her work in progress with him. That author’s book hasn’t been published, and so Dorland has no way of knowing if she’d really been wronged, but this only added to her sense that the guard rails had fallen off the profession. Beyond unhindered free expression, Dorland thought, shouldn’t there be some ethics? “What do you think we owe one another as writers in community?” she would wonder in an email, several months later, to The Times’s “Dear Sugars” advice podcast. (The show never responded.) “How does a writer like me, not suited to jadedness, learn to trust again after artistic betrayal?”

‘I’m thinking, When did I record my letter with a voice actor? Because this voice actor was reading me the paragraph about my childhood trauma.’

By summer’s end, she and Sonya had forged a fragile truce. “I value our relationship and I regret my part in these miscommunications and misunderstandings,” Larson wrote on Aug. 16, 2016. Not long after, Dorland Googled “kidney” and “Sonya Larson” and a link turned up.

The story was available on Audible — an audio version, put out by a small company called Plympton. Dorland’s dread returned. In July, Larson told her, “I’m still working on the story.” Now here it was, ready for purchase.

She went back and forth about it, but finally decided not to listen to “The Kindest.” When I asked her about it, she took her time parsing that decision. “What if I had listened,” she said, “and just got a bad feeling, and just felt exploited. What was I going to do with that? What was I going to do with those emotions? There was nothing I thought I could do.”

So she didn’t click. “I did what I thought was artistically and emotionally healthy,” she said. “And also, it’s kind of what she had asked me to do.”

Dorland could keep ‘‘The Kindest” out of her life for only so long. In August 2017, the print magazine American Short Fiction published the short story. She didn’t buy a copy. Then in June 2018, she saw that the magazine dropped its paywall for the story. The promo and opening essay on American Short Fiction’s home page had startled her: a photograph of Larson, side-by-side with a shot of the short-fiction titan Raymond Carver. The comparison does make a certain sense: In Carver’s story “Cathedral,” a blind man proves to have better powers of perception than a sighted one; in “The Kindest,” the white-savior kidney donor turns out to need as much salvation as the Asian American woman she helped. Still, seeing Larson anointed this way was, to say the least, destabilizing.

Then she started to read the story. She didn’t get far before stopping short. Early on, Rose, the donor, writes a letter to Chuntao, asking to meet her.

I myself know something of suffering, but from those experiences I’ve acquired both courage and perseverance. I’ve also learned to appreciate the hardship that others are going through, no matter how foreign. Whatever you’ve endured, remember that you are never alone. … As I prepared to make this donation, I drew strength from knowing that my recipient would get a second chance at life. I withstood the pain by imagining and rejoicing in YOU.

Here, to Dorland’s eye, was an echo of the letter she’d written to her own recipient — and posted on her private Facebook group — rejiggered and reworded, yet still, she believed, intrinsically hers. Dorland was amazed. It had been three years since she donated her kidney. Larson had all that time to launder the letter — to rewrite it drastically or remove it — and she hadn’t bothered.

She showed the story’s letter to her husband, Chris, who had until that point given Larson the benefit of the doubt.

“Oh,” he said.

Everything that happened two years earlier, during their email melée, now seemed like gaslighting. Larson had been so insistent that Dorland was being out of line — breaking the rules, playing the game wrong, needing something she shouldn’t even want. “Basically, she’d said, ‘I think you’re being a bad art friend,’” Dorland told me. That argument suddenly seemed flimsy. Sure, Larson had a right to self-expression — but with someone else’s words? Who was the bad art friend now?

Before she could decide what to do, there came another shock. A few days after reading “The Kindest,” Dorland learned that the story was the 2018 selection for One City One Story, a common-reads program sponsored by the Boston Book Festival. That summer, some 30,000 copies of “The Kindest” would be distributed free all around town. An entire major U.S. city would be reading about a kidney donation — with Sonya Larson as the author.

This was when Dawn Dorland decided to push back — first a little, and then a lot. This wasn’t about art anymore; not Larson’s anyway. It was about her art, her letter, her words, her life. She shopped for a legal opinion: Did Larson’s use of that letter violate copyright law? Even getting a lawyer to look into that one little question seemed too expensive. But that didn’t stop her from contacting American Short Fiction and the Boston Book Festival herself with a few choice questions: What was their policy on plagiarism? Did they know they were publishing something that used someone else’s words? She received vague assurances they’d get back to her.

While waiting, she also contacted GrubStreet’s leadership: What did this supposedly supportive, equitable community have to say about plagiarism? She emailed the Bread Loaf writing conference in Vermont, where Larson once had a scholarship: What would they do if one of their scholars was discovered to have plagiarized? On privacy grounds, Bread Loaf refused to say if “The Kindest” was part of Larson’s 2017 application. But Dorland found more groups with a connection to Larson to notify, including the Vermont Studio Center and the Association of Literary Scholars, Critics and Writers.

When the Boston Book Festival told her they would not share the final text of the story, Dorland went a step further. She emailed two editors at The Boston Globe — wouldn’t they like to know if the author of this summer’s citywide common-reads short story was a plagiarist? And she went ahead and hired a lawyer, Jeffrey Cohen, who agreed she had a claim — her words, her letter, someone else’s story. On July 3, 2018, Cohen sent the book festival a cease-and-desist letter, demanding they hold off on distributing “The Kindest” for the One City One Story program, or risk incurring damages of up to $150,000 under the Copyright Act.

From Larson’s point of view, this wasn’t just ludicrous, it was a stickup. Larson had found her own lawyer, James Gregorio, who on July 17 replied that Dorland’s actions constitute “harassment, defamation per se and tortious interference with business and contractual relations.” Despite whatever similarities exist between the letters, Larson’s lawyer believed there could be no claim against her because, among other reasons, these letters that donors write are basically a genre; they follow particular conventions that are impossible to claim as proprietary. In July, Dorland’s lawyer suggested settling with the book festival for $5,000 (plus an attribution at the bottom of the story, or perhaps a referral link to a kidney-donor site). Larson’s camp resisted talks when they learned that Dorland had contacted The Globe.

‘This is not about a white savior narrative. It’s about us and our sponsor and our board not being sued if we distribute the story.'

In reality, Larson was pretty vulnerable: an indemnification letter in her contract with the festival meant that if Dorland did sue, she would incur the costs. What no one had counted on was that Dorland, in late July, would stumble upon a striking new piece of evidence. Searching online for more mentions of “The Kindest,” she saw something available for purchase. At first this seemed to be a snippet of the Audible version of the story, created a year before the American Short Fiction version. But in fact, this was something far weirder: a recording of an even earlier iteration of the story. When Dorland listened to this version, she heard something very different — particularly the letter from the donor.

Dorland’s letter:

Larson’s audio version of the story:

My own childhood was marked by trauma and abuse; I wasn’t given an opportunity to form secure attachments with my family of origin. But in adulthood that experience provided a strong sense of empathy. While others might desire to give to a family member or friend, to me the suffering of strangers is just as real.

“I almost fell off my chair,” Dorland said. “I’m thinking, When did I record my letter with a voice actor? Because this voice actor was reading me the paragraph about my childhood trauma. To me it was just bizarre.” It confirmed, in her eyes, that Larson had known she had a problem: She had altered the letter after Dorland came to her with her objections in 2016.

Dorland’s lawyer increased her demand to $10,000 — an amount Dorland now says was to cover her legal bills, but that the other side clearly perceived as another provocation. She also contacted her old GrubStreet friends — members of the Chunky Monkeys whom she now suspected had known all about what Larson was doing. “Why didn’t either of you check in with me when you knew that Sonya’s kidney story was related to my life?” she emailed the group’s founders, Adam Stumacher and Jennifer De Leon. Stumacher responded, “I have understood from the start this is a work of fiction.” Larson’s friends were lining up behind her.

In mid-August, Dorland learned that Larson had made changes to “The Kindest” for the common-reads program. In this new version, every similar phrase in the donor’s letter was reworded. But there was something new: At the end of the letter, instead of closing with “Warmly,” Larson had switched it to “Kindly.”

With that one word — the signoff she uses in her emails — Dorland felt trolled. “She thought that it would go to press and be read by the city of Boston before I realized that she had jabbed me in the eye,” Dorland said. (Larson, for her part, told me that the change was meant as “a direct reference to the title; it’s really as simple as that.”) Dorland’s lawyer let the festival know she wasn’t satisfied — that she still considered the letter in the story to be a derivative work of her original. If the festival ran the story, she’d sue.

This had become Sonya Larson’s summer of hell. What had started with her reaching heights she’d never dreamed of — an entire major American city as her audience, reading a story she wrote, one with an important message about racial dynamics — was ending with her under siege, her entire career in jeopardy, and all for what she considered no reason at all: turning life into art, the way she thought that any writer does.

Larson had tried working the problem. When, in June, an executive from the book festival first came to her about Dorland, Larson offered to “happily” make changes to “The Kindest.” “I remember that letter, and jotted down phrases that I thought were compelling, though in the end I constructed the fictional letter to suit the character of Rose,” she wrote to the festival. “I admit, however, that I’m not sure what they are — I don’t have a copy of that letter.” There was a moment, toward the end of July, when it felt as if she would weather the storm. The festival seemed fine with the changes she made to the story. The Globe did publish something, but with little impact.

Then Dorland found that old audio version of the story online, and the weather changed completely. Larson tried to argue that this wasn’t evidence of plagiarism, but proof that she’d been trying to avoid plagiarism. Her lawyer told The Globe that Larson had asked the audio publisher to make changes to her story on July 15, 2016 — in the middle of her first tense back-and-forth with Dorland — because the text “includes a couple sentences that I’d excerpted from a real-life letter.” In truth, Larson had been frustrated by the situation. “She seemed to think that she had ownership over the topic of kidney donation,” Larson recalled in an email to the audio publisher in 2018. “It made me realize that she is very obsessive.”

It was then, in August 2018, facing this new onslaught of plagiarism claims, that Larson stopped playing defense. She wrote a statement to The Globe declaring that anyone who sympathized with Dorland’s claims afforded Dorland a certain privilege. “My piece is fiction,” she wrote. “It is not her story, and my letter is not her letter. And she shouldn’t want it to be. She shouldn’t want to be associated with my story’s portrayal and critique of white-savior dynamics. But her recent behavior, ironically, is exhibiting the very blindness I’m writing about, as she demands explicit identification in — and credit for — a writer of color’s work.”

Here was a new argument, for sure. Larson was accusing Dorland of perverting the true meaning of the story — making it all about her, and not race and privilege. Larson’s friend Celeste Ng agrees, at least in part, that the conflict seemed racially coded. “There’s very little emphasis on what this must be like for Sonya,” Ng told me, “and what it is like for writers of color, generally — to write a story and then be told by a white writer, ‘Actually, you owe that to me.’”

‘I feel instead of running the race herself, she’s standing on the sidelines and trying to disqualify everybody else based on minor technicalities.’

But Ng also says this wasn’t just about race; it was about art and friendship. Ng told me that Larson’s entire community believed Dorland needed to be stopped in her tracks — to keep an unreasonable writer from co-opting another writer’s work on account of just a few stray sentences, and destroying that writer’s reputation in the process. “This is not someone that I am particularly fond of,” Ng told me, “because she had been harassing my friend and a fellow writer. So we were quite exercised, I will say.”

Not that it mattered. Dorland would not stand down. And so, on Aug. 13, Deborah Porter, the executive director of the Boston Book Festival, told Larson that One City One Story was canceled for the year. “There is seemingly no end to this,” she wrote, “and we cannot afford to spend any more time or resources.” When the Chunky Monkeys’ co-founder, Jennifer De Leon, made a personal appeal, invoking the white-savior argument, the response from Porter was like the slamming of a door. “That story should never have been submitted to us in the first place,” Porter wrote. “This is not about a white savior narrative. It’s about us and our sponsor and our board not being sued if we distribute the story. You owe us an apology.”

Porter then emailed Larson, too. “It seems to me that we have grounds to sue you,” she wrote to Larson. “Kindly ask your friends not to write to us.”

Here, it would seem, is where the conflict ought to end — Larson in retreat, “The Kindest” canceled. But neither side was satisfied. Larson, her reputation hanging by a thread, needed assurances that Dorland would stop making her accusations. Dorland still wanted Larson to explicitly, publicly admit that her words were in Larson’s story. She couldn’t stop wondering — what if Larson published a short-story collection? Or even a novel that spun out of “The Kindest?” She’d be right back here again.

On Sept. 6, 2018, Dorland’s lawyer raised her demand to $15,000, and added a new demand that Larson promise to pay Dorland $180,000 should she ever violate the settlement terms (which included never publishing “The Kindest” again). Larson saw this as an even greater provocation; her lawyer replied three weeks later with a lengthy litany of allegedly defamatory claims that Dorland had made about Larson. Who, he was asking, was the real aggressor here? How could anyone believe that Dorland was the injured party? “It is a mystery exactly how Dorland was damaged,” Larson’s new lawyer, Andrew Epstein, wrote. “My client’s gross receipts from ‘The Kindest’ amounted to $425.”

To Dorland, all this felt intensely personal. Someone snatches her words, and then accuses her of defamation too? Standing down seemed impossible now: How could she admit to defaming someone, she thought, when she was telling the truth? She’d come too far, spent too much on legal fees to quit. “I was desperate to recoup that money,” Dorland told me. She reached out to an arbitration-and-mediation service in California. When Andrew Epstein didn’t respond to the mediator, she considered suing Larson in small-claims court.

On Dec. 26, Dorland emailed Epstein, asking if he was the right person to accept the papers when she filed a lawsuit. As it happened, Larson beat her to the courthouse. On Jan. 30, 2019, Dorland and her lawyer, Cohen, were both sued in federal court, accused of defamation and tortious interference — that is, spreading lies about Larson and trying to tank her career.

There’s a moment in Larson’s short story “Gabe Dove” — also pulled from real life — where Chuntao notices a white family picnicking on a lawn in a park and is awed to see that they’ve all peacefully fallen asleep. “I remember going to college and seeing people just dead asleep on the lawn or in the library,” Larson told me. “No fear that harm will come to you or that people will be suspicious of you. That’s a real privilege right there.”

Larson’s biggest frustration with Dorland’s accusations was that they stole attention away from everything she’d been trying to accomplish with this story. “You haven’t asked me one question about the source of inspiration in my story that has to do with alcoholism, that has to do with the Chinese American experience. It’s extremely selective and untrue to pin a source of a story on just one thing. And this is what fiction writers know.” To ask if her story is about Dorland is, Larson argues, not only completely beside the point, but ridiculous. “I have no idea what Dawn is thinking. I don’t, and that’s not my job to know. All I can tell you about is how it prompted my imagination.” That also, she said, is what artists do. “We get inspired by language, and we play with that language, and we add to it and we change it and we recontextualize it. And we transform it.”

When Larson discusses “The Kindest” now, the idea that it’s about a kidney donation at all seems almost irrelevant. If that hadn’t formed the story’s pretext, she believes, it would have been something else. “It’s like saying that ‘Moby Dick’ is a book about whales,” she said. As for owing Dorland a heads-up about the use of that donation, Larson becomes more indignant, stating that no artist has any such responsibility. “If I walk past my neighbor and he’s planting petunias in the garden, and I think, Oh, it would be really interesting to include a character in my story who is planting petunias in the garden, do I have to go inform him because he’s my neighbor, especially if I’m still trying to figure out what it is I want to say in the story? I just couldn’t disagree more.”

But this wasn’t a neighbor. This was, ostensibly, a friend.

“There are married writer couples who don’t let each other read each other’s work,” Larson said. “I have no obligation to tell anyone what I’m working on.”

By arguing what she did is standard practice, Larson is asking a more provocative question: If you find her guilty of infringement, who’s next? Is any writer safe? “I read Dawn’s letter and I found it interesting,” she told me. “I never copied the letter. I was interested in these words and phrases because they reminded me of the language used by white-savior figures. And I played with this language in early drafts of my story. Fiction writers do this constantly.”

This is the same point her friends argue when defending her to me. “You take a seed, right?” Adam Stumacher said. “And then that’s the starting point for a story. That’s not what the story is about.” This is where “The Kindest” shares something with “Cat Person,” the celebrated 2017 short story in The New Yorker by Kristen Roupenian that, in a recent essay in Slate, a woman named Alexis Nowicki claimed used elements of her life story. That piece prompted a round of outrage from Writer Twitter (“I have held every human I’ve ever met upside down by the ankles,” the author Lauren Groff vented, “and shaken every last detail that I can steal out of their pockets”).

“The Kindest,” however, contains something that “Cat Person” does not: an actual piece of text that even Larson says was inspired by Dorland’s original letter. At some point, Larson must have realized that was the story’s great legal vulnerability. Did she ever consider just pulling it out entirely?

“Yeah, that absolutely was an option,” Larson said. “We could have easily treated the same moment in that story using a phone call, or some other literary device.” But once she made those changes for One City One Story, she said, the festival had told her the story was fine as is. (That version of “The Kindest” ended up in print elsewhere, as part of an anthology published in 2019 by Ohio University’s Swallow Press.) All that was left, she believes, was a smear campaign. “It’s hard for me to see what the common denominator of all of her demands has been, aside from wanting to punish me in some way.”

Dorland filed a counterclaim against Larson on April 24, 2020, accusing Larson of violating the copyright of her letter and intentional infliction of emotional distress — sleeplessness, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, weight loss “and several incidents of self-harm.” Dorland says she’d had some bouts of slapping herself, which dissipated after therapy. (This wasn’t her first lawsuit claiming emotional distress. A few years earlier, Dorland filed papers in small-claims court against a Los Angeles writing workshop where she’d taught, accusing the workshop of mishandling a sexual-harassment report she had made against a student. After requesting several postponements, she withdrew the complaint.) As for her new complaint against Larson, the judge knocked out the emotional-distress claim this past February, but the question of whether “The Kindest” violates Dorland’s copyrighted letter remains in play.

The litigation crept along quietly until earlier this year, when the discovery phase uncorked something unexpected — a trove of documents that seemed to recast the conflict in an entirely new way. There, in black and white, were pages and pages of printed texts and emails between Larson and her writer friends, gossiping about Dorland and deriding everything about her — not just her claim of being appropriated but the way she talked publicly about her kidney donation.

“I’m now following Dawn Dorland’s kidney posts with creepy fascination,” Whitney Scharer, a GrubStreet co-worker and fellow Chunky Monkey, texted to Larson in October 2015 — the day after Larson sent her first draft of “The Kindest” to the group. Dorland had announced she’d be walking in the Rose Bowl parade, as an ambassador for nondirected organ donations. “I’m thrilled to be part of their public face,” Dorland wrote, throwing in a few hashtags: #domoreforeachother and #livingkidneydonation.

Larson replied: “Oh, my god. Right? The whole thing — though I try to ignore it — persists in making me uncomfortable. … I just can’t help but think that she is feeding off the whole thing. … Of course, I feel evil saying this and can’t really talk with anyone about it.”

“I don’t know,” Scharer wrote. “A hashtag seems to me like a cry for attention.”

“Right??” Larson wrote. “#domoreforeachother. Like, what am I supposed to do? DONATE MY ORGANS?”

Among her friends, Larson clearly explained the influence of Dorland’s letter. In January 2016, she texted two friends: “I think I’m DONE with the kidney story but I feel nervous about sending it out b/c it literally has sentences that I verbatim grabbed from Dawn’s letter on FB. I’ve tried to change it but I can’t seem to — that letter was just too damn good. I’m not sure what to do … feeling morally compromised/like a good artist but a shitty person.”

That summer, when Dorland emailed Larson with her complaints, Larson was updating the Chunky Monkeys regularly, and they were encouraging her to stand her ground. “This is all very excruciating,” Larson wrote on July 18, 2016. “I feel like I am becoming the protagonist in my own story: She wants something from me, something that she can show to lots of people, and I’m not giving it.”

“Maybe she was too busy waving from her floating thing at a Macy’s Day parade,” wrote Jennifer De Leon, “instead of, you know, writing and stuff.”

Others were more nuanced. “It’s totally OK for Dawn to be upset,” Celeste Ng wrote, “but it doesn’t mean that Sonya did anything wrong, or that she is responsible for fixing Dawn’s hurt feelings.”

“I can understand the anxiety,” Larson replied. “I just think she’s trying to control something that she doesn’t have the ability or right to control.”

“The first draft of the story really was a takedown of Dawn, wasn’t it?” Calvin Hennick wrote. “But Sonya didn’t publish that draft. … She created a new, better story that used Dawn’s Facebook messages as initial inspiration, but that was about a lot of big things, instead of being about the small thing of taking down Dawn Dorland.”

On Aug. 15, 2016 — a day before telling Dorland, “I value our relationship” — Larson wrote in a chat with Alison Murphy: “Dude, I could write pages and pages more about Dawn. Or at least about this particular narcissistic dynamic, especially as it relates to race. The woman is a gold mine!”

Later on, Larson was even more emboldened. “If she tries to come after me, I will FIGHT BACK!” she wrote Murphy in 2017. Murphy suggested renaming the story “Kindly, Dawn,” prompting Larson to reply, “HA HA HA.”

Dorland learned about the emails — a few hundred pages of them — from her new lawyer, Suzanne Elovecky, who read them first and warned her that they might be triggering. When she finally went through them, she saw what she meant. The Chunky Monkeys knew the donor in “The Kindest” was Dorland, and they were laughing at her. Everything she’d dreaded and feared about raising her voice — that so many writers she revered secretly dismissed and ostracized her; that absolutely no one except her own lawyers seemed to care that her words were sitting there, trapped inside someone else’s work of art; that a slew of people, supposedly her friends, might actually believe she’d donated an organ just for the likes — now seemed completely confirmed, with no way to sugarcoat it. “It’s like I became some sort of dark-matter mascot to all of them somehow,” she said.

But there also was something clarifying about it. Now more than ever, she believes that “The Kindest” was personal. “I think she wanted me to read her story,” Dorland said, “and for me and possibly no one else to recognize my letter.”

Larson, naturally, finds this outrageous. “Did I feel some criticism toward the way that Dawn was posting about her kidney donation?” she said. “Yes. But am I trying to write a takedown of Dawn? No. I don’t care about Dawn.” All the gossiping about Dorland, now made public, would seem to put Larson into a corner. But many of the writer friends quoted in those texts and emails (those who responded to requests for comment) say they still stand behind her; if they were ridiculing Dorland, it was all in the service of protecting their friend. “I’m very fortunate to have friends in my life who I’ve known for 10, 20, over 30 years,” Larson told me. “I do not, and have never, considered Dawn one of them.”

What about the texts where she says that Dorland is behaving just like her character? Here, Larson chose her words carefully. “Dawn might behave like the character in my story,” she said. “But that doesn’t mean that the character in my story is behaving like Dawn. I know she’s trying to work through every angle she can to say that I’ve done something wrong. I have not done anything wrong.”

In writing, plagiarism is a straight-up cardinal sin: If you copy, you’re wrong. But in the courts, copyright infringement is an evolving legal concept. The courts are continuously working out the moment when someone’s words cross over into property that can be protected; as with any intellectual property, the courts have to balance the protections of creators with a desire not to stifle innovation. One major help to Dorland, however, is the rights that the courts have given writers over their own unpublished letters, even after they’re sent to someone else. J.D. Salinger famously prevented personal letters from being quoted by a would-be biographer. They were his property, the courts said, not anyone else’s. Similarly, Dorland could argue that this letter, despite having made its way onto Facebook, qualifies.

Let’s say the courts agree that Dorland’s letter is protected. What then? Larson’s main defense may be that the most recent version of the letter in “The Kindest” — the one significantly reworded for the book festival — simply doesn’t include enough material from Dorland’s original to rise to the level of infringement. This argument is, curiously, helped by how Larson has always, when it has come down to it, acknowledged Dorland’s letter as an influence. The courts like it when you don’t hide what you’ve done, according to Daniel Novack, chairman of the New York State Bar Association’s committee on media law. “You don’t want her to be punished for being clear about where she got it from,” he said. “If anything, that helps people find the original work.”

Larson’s other strategy is to argue that by repurposing snippets of the letter in this story, it qualifies as “transformative use,” and could never be mistaken for the original. Arguing transformative use might require arguing that a phrase of Larson’s like “imagining and rejoicing in YOU” has a different inherent meaning from the phrase in Dorland’s letter “imagining and celebrating you.” While they are similar, Larson’s lawyer, Andrew Epstein, argues that the story overall is different, and makes the letter different. “It didn’t steal from the letter,” he told me, “but it added something new and it was a totally different narrative.”

Larson put it more bluntly to me: “Her letter, it wasn’t art! It was informational. It doesn’t have market value. It’s like language that we glean from menus, from tombstones, from tweets. And Dorland ought to know this. She’s taken writing workshops.”

Transformative use most often turns up in cases of commentary or satire, or with appropriation artists like Andy Warhol. The idea is not to have such strong copyright protections that people can’t innovate. While Larson may have a case, one potential wrinkle is a recent federal ruling, just earlier this year, against the Andy Warhol Foundation. An appeals court determined that Warhol’s use of a photograph by Lynn Goldsmith as the basis for his own work of art was not a distinctive enough transformation. Whether Larson’s letter is derivative, in the end, may be up to a jury to decide. Dorland’s lawyer, meanwhile, can point to that 2016 text message of Larson’s, when she says she tried to reword the letter but just couldn’t. (“That letter was just too damn good.”)

“The whole reason they want it in the first place is because it’s special,” Dorland told me. “Otherwise, they wouldn’t bother.”

If anything, the letter, for Dorland, has only grown more important over time. While Larson openly wonders why Dorland doesn’t just write about her donation her own way — “I feel instead of running the race herself, she’s standing on the sidelines and trying to disqualify everybody else based on minor technicalities,” Larson told me — Dorland sometimes muses, however improbably, that because vestiges of her letter remain in Larson’s story, Larson might actually take her to court and sue her for copyright infringement if she published any parts of the letter. It’s almost as if Dorland believes that Larson, by getting there first, has grabbed some of the best light, leaving nothing for her.

Last year, as the pandemic set in, Dorland attended three different online events that featured Larson as a panelist. The third one, in August, was a Cambridge Public Library event featuring many of the Chunky Monkeys, gathering online to discuss what makes for a good writing group. “I know virtually all of them,” Dorland said. “It was just like seeing friends.”

Larson, while on camera, learned that Dorland’s name was on the attendees list, and her heart leapt into her throat. Larson’s life had moved on in so many ways. She’d published another story. She and her husband had just had their baby. Now Larson was with her friends, talking about the importance of community. And there was Dorland, the woman who’d branded her a plagiarist, watching her. “It really just freaks me out,” Larson said. “At times I’ve felt kind of stalked.”

Dorland remembers that moment, too, seeing Larson’s face fall, convinced she was the reason. There was, for lack of a better word, a connection. When I asked how she felt in that moment, Dorland was slow to answer. It’s not as if she meant for it to happen, she said. Still, it struck her as telling.

“To me? It seemed like she had dropped the facade for a minute. I’m not saying that — I don’t want her to feel scared, because I’m not threatening. To me, it seemed like she knew she was full of shit, to put it bluntly — like, in terms of our dispute, that she was going to be found out.”

Then Dorland quickly circled back and rejected the premise of the question. There was nothing strange at all, Dorland said, about her watching three different events featuring Larson. She was watching, she said, to conduct due diligence for her ongoing case. And, she added, seeing Larson there seemed to be working for her as a sort of exposure therapy — to defuse the hurt she still feels, by making Larson something more real and less imagined, to diminish the space that she takes up in her mind, in her life.

“I think it saves me from villainizing Sonya,” she wrote me later, after our call. “I proceed in this experience as an artist and not an adversary, learning and absorbing everything, making use of it eventually.”

Robert Kolker is a writer based in Brooklyn, N.Y. In 2020, his book “Hidden Valley Road” became a selection of Oprah’s Book Club and a New York Times best seller. His last article for the magazine was about the legacy of Jan Baalsrud, the Norwegian World War II hero.

Correction: Oct. 6, 2021

An earlier version of this article misstated the GrubStreet writing center's action after Dorland's initial questions about potential plagiarism. It did reply; it's not the case that she received no response. The article also misstated Dorland’s thoughts on what could happen if she loses the court case. Dorland said she fears that Larson would be able to sue her for copyright infringement should she publish her letter to the end recipient of the kidney donation chain. It is not the case that she said she fears that Larson might be able to sue her for copyright infringement should she write anything about organ donation.

#emmie this for you

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thenightling · 3 years

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Hello. Do you have any certified methods or even just general tips that you're sure it will work for lucid dreaming? Sorry if this is an annoying or frequently asked question; I used to do it in my teens but after being forced to attend a religious conversion therapy I found that I couldn't do it anymore. I'd like to go back to it now that I'm working past that trauma and going back to my former self.

Actually, yes, there are a few tricks. The easiest way to lucid dream is to let yourself dream normally and then become aware that you are dreaming. This is just the easiest way and I'll provide a few tips and tricks on that in a moment.

Sometimes people can Lucid Dream without knowing it is a lucid dream. They think it is something else entirely. All that is really required is becoming aware of your surroundings (even if you don't think it is a dream) and taking control.

It is always easier if you know it is a dream. Some people initiate a lucid dream by accident. Ever hear the phrase "Pinch me. I must be dreaming." Some people mistake that as thinking the pinching is to wake them. In reality the phrase has an origin with the idea that you cannot be truly hurt (or hurt yourself) in a dream.

When I was a small child I accidentally set off a quasi-lucid dream by attempting to pinch myself (and failing to even make contact with my own flesh) inside a dream. As I had no experience or control lucid dreaming yet (I was only about four) this deteriorated into a nightmare of trying and failing to wake myself because I could not pinch myself.

Some lucid dreamers use books and clocks to orientate themselves in a dream. I have been able to read in dreams but others say they cannot. Not being able to read in dreams is completely normal because reading uses a part of the brain that is usually dormant during sleep.

The notion that most people dream in black and white is pretty much a myth. Now clocks. Most people cannot read clocks in dreams. If you look at a clock in a dream (especially an old analog clock that has hands instead of digital numbers) and then look away and back again, usually in dreams the time will suddenly be different, clocks are usually not consistent in dreams. This is a trick some lucid dreamers use to orientate themselves and make them aware that they are in a dream.

This does not always work. Some people do claim to see consistent time on watches and clocks in dreams.

The next trick is be creative. If you are in a dream or believe you may be in a dream but it feels very vivid an real, try to gain some kind of control. Not over the whole thing- that might wake you. Something small. Pick an object or if you think you are skilled enough, the sky. think of changing the color. Pretend you are playing Sims or are on IMVU in Create Mode. Will something of the setting to change. Try adding something that feels natural to be there.

I personally advise never trying to take full control. It takes the fun out of it and might wake you up too much and spoil the setting. Let things play out naturally but if things start to go wrong then try to will things to go a little differently.

Add detail, make things vivid and real. For example if the setting is Victorian, think how the cobblestones might feel under you feet, or under the soles of your shoes. If you’re defying gravity or are being lifted up, remember how gravity works, and how your own body feels when being lifted into the air. The more details you give it, the more real it becomes.

Let the characters behave according to their own natures. Sometimes they may surprise or otherwise entertain you. Dreams often have a story to tell or some symbolic meaning. It’s always good to let the story play out naturally enough (even if it’s a nightmare) that you may learn from it.

If you start to lose control in the dream and you have any Pagan beliefs, try calling out to the Greco-Roman dream God (later conceptually also known as The Sandman), Morpheus, by name. In mythology there are three Oneiroi (Dream entities) whose names are still remembered. Phobator (Also known as Icalus), and Phantasmo are the other two. Fear and Fantasy. But Morpheus (Shaper of forms) is the most reliable because he is the most remembered in the human collective consciousness today. He might be annoyed at the summoning but if you believe in him you can dream him into halting the stray dream for you. This does not necessarily require being Pagan, it just requires having enough belief to think he’ll come and intervene. Even if you believe you created him to do so (though the character often has an ego so that might piss him off further).

Any time I’ve called out to him in a dream, the dream will freeze up like a paused video and he’ll appear or I’ll awake.

Thinking heavily about the setting or characters you want in your dream sometimes also helps to establish the premise automatically.

If you have trouble getting to sleep I recommend counting sheep. Most people don’t really know what this means. It’s not literally counting imaginary sheep. You pick a topic like “How many vampire movies have I seen?” or something else you can count off. And you name them silently in your head as you count. “How many Disney princesses have I seen wear blue?” Name them and count. Pick any subject you want. Counting something related to the topic you want to dream about may also help. If you chose that one you can also Vividly imagine all the details of your setting, from sight, sound, smell, and touch or even taste.

Bonus: How to induce vivid and remembered dreams:

Statistically people have more vivid dreams if they consume high amounts of protein right before sleeping. This raises the potential of vivid and recalled dreams by at least twenty five percent. A neurological study about this caused the novelty creation of the Burger King “Nightmare King.” This was a seasonal (Halloween) burger consisting of two beef patties, a breaded chicken cutlet, American cheese, bacon, onion, pickles and spicy mayonnaise on a sesame seed bun that had been dyed green with food coloring for an extra gross / eerie effect.

You can make a similar burger or just eat a little cheese (or drink warm milk) before going to sleep.

Laying on your back while sleeping also improves the chance of dreams being remembered. If you’re used to sleeping on your side, don’t worry about it if you can’t sleep on your back.

Laying in a star or “Raven” formation with arms spread and legs spread also helps.

You always dream when in the REM state of sleep. REM stands for Rapid eye movement. The eye movement does not CAUSE the dreams. It’s just something that happens while dreaming. People without eyes or who are blind can and do dream.

Sleeping in cool weather or a cool room, while under a blanket while the air around your warm blanket is cold, also helps induce dreams.

Ritualistic behavior to induce dreams sometimes helps. I have a felt blanket with the words “What a Wonderful Nightmare” written across it. And I seem to have interesting dreams when it is on my bed.

#Lucid Dreaming

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150289city · 3 years

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ILLUSION - SURREALISM

Analyse creative manipulation images.

1. Zdzislaw Beksinski

The canvas, known as "Creeping Death", evokes a lot of emotions and remains relevant all the time. The leitmotif is death, which creeps silently like a spider. This is how he appeared in the eyes of the painter - death comes unexpectedly and destroys everything on its way.

Beksiński's paintings were about loneliness and the inevitability of death. The painter also often presented a vision of Armageddon. This is also the case of "Creeping Death". The end of the world appears in dark, brown and bloody colors. And death takes its toll and disappears unnoticed from the battlefield. The city burning in the background means that death has won again. Nobody survived. Death can take many shapes, it can resemble a human, an animal or a spider. In the painting by Zdzisław Beksiński, he is a terrifying creature that leaves the ruined area on its cramped limbs. Instead of the face, you can see a bandage through which a blood stain pierces. Instead of a torso, there is a hairy abdomen, similar to that of deadly spiders, and they will always flee from impending danger. Just like death, which also has time to hide from fire.

Beksiński's painting is one of the most terrifying contemporary works of Polish painting. Suffering, anger and resignation permeate them. The artist knows that he is unable to change his fate. He only has pain and the awareness that death will come for him. "Creeping Death" can be a universal picture, presenting the world after war, apocalypse or catastrophe. They can also be the darkest thoughts of every human being that circulate through the mind looking for an outlet. Because everyone is struggling with their own demons, which may appear completely different. It is certain that they cause fear, but they are essential in the fight against the suffering that is part of human life.

2. SALVADOR DALI

There are four clocks in the picture. One hangs from a dry tree, the other, with a blue shield and golden edging, flows down from a brown plinth. There is a fly on it, which can symbolize the "flying" and passing time. The orange watch lying next to it seems to be less soft and melting than the others. Ants crawled over him. The orange clock looks like it's about to be eaten by insects. Ants are here a symbol of rotting, decay. The fourth clock is in the center of the painting. It flows down from a deformed, beige-colored form. Only after looking closely you can see something like a nose, eyelid, long eyelashes. The distorted form resembles skin pulled from the face. According to some, it is a self-portrait of Salvador himself.

"Soft clocks" is nothing but a delicate, extravagant and lonely, paranoid-critical camembert of time and space.’’ Salvador Dali

Persistence of memory is perhaps one of the artist's most recognizable works. It was established in 1931. The idea was born when Dali, eating a melting French Camembert cheese, saw clock faces in it.

Dali created works that were supposed to amaze or shock. He did not represent anything directly, but through a vision. Therefore, he is included in the group of surrealists. Obraz Persistence of memory is a dream about time deformed by memories and dreams. Gala - Dali's muse and wife - said about this painting that the viewer's memory would only be the "softness" of the watches, because anyone who saw this work at least once would never forget it. The rocks of Cape Creus are an element of the landscape that appears in many of Dali's works. They have become an example of "hard" forms. The artist, who has a well-prepared drawing and knows the perspective, creates in a surprising way. An example is theoretically correctly painted clocks, but why is one of them hung over a branch, and the other running off the counter? It was this astonishment that the artist wanted to combine various objects in any way. The elements of the painting are arranged on the canvas in such a way that we have the impression of a large space and emptiness. Thanks to vivid imagination, all details have been divided into soft and hard. Clocks are among the soft ones.

3. RENÉ MAGRITTE

With my popular sympathy for the Belgian painter René Magritte, I have allowed myself to be introduced to you by opening the whole series "Art for Tuesday" with his "Lovers". Together with the blog returning to the expanses of the Internet, let Magritte be the patron of the reactivation of this cycle, this time with her "Son of Man".

The very title "Son of Man" (French: "Le fils de l'homme") is a bit puzzling when confronted with this picture presents itself.

After all, we see an elegant man in a suit and a bowler hat against the background of the wall separating him from the sea, above him there are clouds that announce a storm or storm. And what is very important - it is a self-portrait.

Oh yes, I would ... Before the face of forgotten people (levitating?) A green apple that makes his face invisible, revealing part of the eye and eyebrow in fact. We have to remind ourselves that the Belgian was definitely a surrealist who grew out of the impressionist school. However, he used his symbolic linguistic voice, which was shaped by such tragic experiences as the mother's suicide - hence the motive of the shroud. The motif of a veiled face, or the lack of it, is constantly present in Magritte's painting. Maybe it allows you to stay safe? For both the "covered" and those looking at him? Or maybe these masks and covers allow for proper perception of things (I refer to the author's painting "Rape")?

As for the "Son of Man", a stretched (as always), original interpretation appeared in my head.

The apple ripens with its apple tree represented by the man. He is well dressed, which can mean high social status. Or maybe an apple covering a man's face makes him anonymous? is it just a tree from which society grows? And when he dies, will someone eat the forbidden fruit that he has grown, and will continue this process? Another "Son of Man" ..?

4. Max Ernst

"Day and Night" is a work that Max Ernst painted in the years 1941-1942. It presents a gloomy rocky landscape in dark colors. The image of the night is dominant here - the dark blue sky and the outlines of boulders. On the dark background, however, there are traces of the day, resembling daytime photographs of the same space. In these pictures these places appear completely different - they are sunny and full of bright colors. They do not resemble a barren night landscape.

Ernst's work follows surrealist poetics. Its meaning becomes understandable above all in the historical context in which it was created. It is about the tragedy of World War II, which left its mark on the artist's own biography. He miraculously managed to escape from the hands of the Gestapo and emigrate from France to the United States.

The night landscape is a barren land devoid of color and optimism. One gets the impression that we are dealing with a world completely destroyed by some cataclysm. His memories are only optimistic photographs from the past, which show the old face of the landscape. These optimistic incrustations in combination with the dominant gray and sterility not only do not cheer up the whole, but make it even more repulsive. We are dealing here with a world that will never return to its former glory.

The colorful pictures bring to mind illustrations from children's books. Thus, the artist refers to the myth of childhood as a lost paradise. Children's dreams are triggered here, in which reality seems to be a magical and wonderful being. At the same time, the juxtaposition of colored fragments with a gloomy background is also associated with the biblical Eden, where innocence and beauty are destroyed by sin and evil.

You can also understand "Night and Day" as a kind of puzzle. The picture resembles a puzzle that needs to be matched in an appropriate way so that they form a whole together. In this sense, one should see in Ernst's work traces of hope for rebuilding what was destroyed during the war. It is, in a way, a proposal to organize the world once again so that it becomes a place where a person feels safe again.

5. Pablo Picasso

"Guernica" is a famous painting by Pablo Picasso, painted in 1937 in reaction to the Spanish Civil War. The work is an act of protest against violence and at the same time a great manifestation of pacifism.

The title of the painting comes from the name of a Spanish city bombed by the German Luftwaffe air force in response to resistance to General Franco's group.

"Guernica" shows deformed human and animal figures, forming a chaotic swirl. You can see the bodies in pieces, especially the heads and limbs. The severed hands tighten tightly on the objects they hold: a candle or a sword. The mouths of the characters are usually open in a silent scream, and terror is visible in their eyes. People seem to squirm in deathly groans. Human figures blend with animals.

The whole thing looks like a huge, dynamic swirl. The depressing impression is deepened by the colors of the painting, in shades of black and gray. The central part of the painting is lit by a light bulb in the upper edge of the work. It seems that the situation depicted in the picture takes place in a narrow room, intensifying the impression of being surrounded and threatened.

The painting was painted in cubist aesthetics, which in the case of such a dramatic topic emphasizes the cruelty and tragedy of war. The fragmentation of the solid is here not only an act of artistic deformation, but also emphasizes the essence of any armed conflict, which is the total destruction of the world.

The war appears on Picasso's canvas as unbridled chaos and suffering. People dehumanize, they are reduced to the level of terrified animals, driven by the survival instinct. Human remains are clearly deformed, they resemble meat. Human and animal bodies are fragmented as if after a bomb had exploded.

The symbol of destruction is the Spanish bull emerging from the gloom, which covers the unfolding events with an unshakable gaze. Broken hands clutch at useless objects, among which stand out a candle and a broken sword. The former may symbolize the desire to illuminate the escape route, but it is also a sign of mourning for those who died. A broken sword and a torn horse indicate the uselessness of conventional weapons in a modern war that brings mass death and destruction.

Picasso's painting exudes an atmosphere of fear and terror, the image of a mother lamenting over a child's corpse is particularly poignant. The claustrophobic narrowness of the room in which the characters find themselves emphasizes the non-exit character of their situation.

#preproduction #illusion

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deckofnines · 3 years

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my blog is very ugly right now and i don’t have my about pages up / completed but i’m still imploring u to send me some memes, please check out the Vibes of each character below to see who u might be wanting to talk to 💞

nine - 19, works in a touristy psychic shop in salem with her aunt diana, is best at tarot cards ( can always pull out all the nines without looking whenever she wants to show off ) but she’s also good at tea leaf reading, palm reading, and past life regressions. nine hand dyes shirts, scarves, bags, etc and puts together tea blends that the shop sells. she’s got a huge extended family in the salem area but has never been very close with her cousins ( not for lack of trying ). has a crippling addiction to slurpees. is allergic to the outdoors but appreciates it from afar. soft, dreamy but still practical virgo vibes af.

on her birthday, september 9th, nine suffered from a nosebleed and a fainting spell -- afterwards her connection to her tarot decks seemed much stronger, with the cards sometimes feeling hot or cold to the touch as if they were alive and her readings being much more intense, pointed, specific, and immediate.

sunhwa - 21, as good at reading people as horses are said to be, was an equestrian champion through high school, planned to forego college so she could compete nationally and internationally but when she was 19 she was thrown from her horse during a competition and severely injured her leg, effectively ending her plans to continue competing. sunhwa’s mostly healed up, though she still has a slightly noticeable limp, and is now saving up money to get a degree in elementary physical education. she works at least three jobs at any time in salem, usually in the restaurant or bartending industry. one of her current jobs is at a midnight cookie drop. sunhwa’s very much the “grouchy until you get to know her” vibes, at which point she becomes ride or die with all of her friends. she still has her competition horse kept in a stable just outisde of salem that she tries to visit on the weekends and ride for fun as often as possible.

on september 9th, sunhwa suffered from a nosebleed and a fainting spell -- in the days following she realized her offhand talent for reading people had intensified tenfold, giving her an intense sensation of knowing people upon first meeting or seeing them. this sensation is accompanied often times by just a feeling but occasionally sunhwa gets glimpses of their thoughts, feels what the other person is experiencing, or gets a hint of that person’s immediate or far-off future. this sensation is stronger whenever the person is or will be deeply connected with sunhwa.

hal - 22, full name “hannibal” but he just goes by hal with friends and family. recently his grandmother moved in with the rest of his family, so hal moved into her house just outside of salem to take care of it and her extensive backyard garden while his family gets things settled. he’s always been a really ambitious student, which translates naturally to him being in his third year at harvard studying classical history and literature. hal keeps himself nearly constantly busy, whether it’s with schoolwork, hanging out with his multitudes of different friend groups, doing research with/for one of his professors, or working on his own personal research that he plans to take into graduate school in the next few years to use as his thesis. hal’s always had vivid dreams -- when he was younger they’d be centered around the books he was read before bed, and as he’s gotten older they’ve shifted to include the history and times he researches or plots from books and movies he’s read/seen. when he was in high school hal taught himself how to lucid dream and could control the direction or content of his dreams to an extent.

on september 9th, hal suffered from a nosebleed and a fainting spell -- afterwards his lucid dreaming skills increased, allowing him to completely re-shape his regular dreams, but he also began to experience different kinds of dreams, ones that he couldn’t control but could simply play a pre-determined part in, dreams that felt more like re-acted memories than anything else. aspects of these new dreams began to appear in his everyday life, sprinkled in with references to history. before brutus decided to assassinate caesar, notes would appear in his room, messages painted on the walls of rome, urging him to act -- are you awake, brutus? what are you doing, brutus? hal sees these same messages scrawled across the red-brick walls of cambridge, except they’re addressed to him -- ARE YOU AWAKE, HANNIBAL? it’s when he knows for sure something is starting, and he’s part of it.

#ooc #these got longer than i expected them to but please check out their vibes and send me some memes !!!#or u can just send me memes and i'll decide who wants to reply !!!!!#idk i just wanna get stuff going w/ them and figure out their voices more #esp sunhwa and hal

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everlarkficexchange · 4 years

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Unmasked ~ Thirty

Written by: ~ M ~

Prompt #88

Rating: E (Explicit) This fic will contain consensual sexual content; mild language; discussions of injuries, illness, and amputations in a historical setting; discussions of miscarriage; discussions of minor character suicide; references to non consensual sexual situations; minor character death.

My thanks to the moderators of @everlarkficexchange for always running an entertaining event, and for playing along with a little fun and mystery.

Dear readers, we have only one chapter left and then a brief epilogue.

Please enjoy the thirtieth chapter of this adventure. I apologize for the length of this one, but it could not be helped. Previous installments can be found here. Regards,

~ M ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~ Chapter 30 ~~

I dream in vivid hues, of a blanket spread in a meadow, a feast laid out upon the faded red expanse. A girl with blue ribbons in her flaming hair laying on her back, a book held aloft over her face. The flowers bow in the wind, dancing and courting springtime airs. A girl with dark hair in a pink dress twirls amongst the tall green shoots of meadow grass. She hums to herself and then sings a few bars. A boy on chubby toddler legs attempts to join her and falls, his blonde curls shimmering in the warmth of sun. A blade of grass caresses my check and calls my name.

“Katniss, my pearl.”

I inhale and startle slightly, calming as I wrap my fingers around Peeta’s, and hold his touch against my cheek.

“Sorry, my love. I did not mean to wake you. You only looked so peaceful and happy that I…” he trails off and does not finish, withdrawing his hand and turning away from me.

“I meant to stay awake and wait for you,” I say and shift to sit up as Peeta sits on the edge of the bed. The lamp still burns as proof of my intention, the book I had been reading carelessly dropped on our sheets. I retrieve it and mark my page before setting it aside. His shoulders sag as he removes his boots. They land on the floor with dull, hollow noises. “Will you not call for Jeffries?”

“I can manage well enough without disturbing his sleep as well.” My heart warms at his consideration for others and I reach out to touch his back. There is no response to the caress.

“Is Mrs. Farrow well?”

“As well as can be expected, after more than thirty hours of child labor with a child who was breach.”

“Thirty hours?”

“They waited to summon me until her pains were undeniably regular. By then she had already been at labor for nearly eight hours.”

“She must be exhausted,” I say pathetically. Peeta only nods, his hands working the buttons on his waistcoat, his motions slow and laborious. I am almost afraid to ask, but I must. “And the child?”

“A son. Weighing perhaps seven pound. Remarkably healthy after such an arduous arrival.” He removes his waistcoat in a pained movement and tosses it across the room towards the sofa. I pluck at the coverlet, at a loss as to why he seems so distant.

“That is cause for celebration, is it not?”

“Indeed.” He stands then and removes the rest of his clothing without looking at me. He drags his night shirt on, sets aside his false leg, then sighs as he slides beneath the covers with me. I adjust my body to be close to him.

“Then why do you seem morose?” I ask and reach out to play with a lock of his hair.

“I am tired, Katniss. So very tired.”

“What would help?”

“Sleep.”

“Other than that?” I pry, determined that he will answer me.

“Nothing. Will you talk me to death or will you allow me sleep?” he bites out the words and my hand stops mid caress. He turns away from me, forcibly removing my touch from him. “Would you extinguish that light?”

I bite my lip and hold back tears. Why tears? I wage a mental battle, determining which would be more effective, braining him with a pillow or shouting at him that he is not the only one of us who has had a long and trying day. Either option would certainly be more effective than weeping.

Before I can decide what to do, he sighs. “Katniss…I am not myself. I am sorry. I should not be curt with you.”

He turns in the sheets again to face me, closing the distance between us and wrapping his arms about me. My anger still festers, although I am quickly losing my grasp on it.

“Peeta, you know—“

“I know. I am sorry. Tell me about your day and then perhaps I will be ready to speak of mine.” He takes my hand in his and lifts it to his lips. “I do not even wish to consider what dark places my mind would wander, had I not seen you this afternoon. Thank you for that.”

I hum in annoyance. “Most unfortunate. I do not wish to owe any sort of debt to Mr. Hawthorne.” With some prompting from Peeta, I explain that Mr. Hawthorne was the reason for our outing this afternoon. I wax perhaps overlong about his arrogance and disdain, for his obtuse views of Everdeen and how I intend to show him how wrong he is.

“I do not know how that will help us in the end, but it seems the best I can do for the tenants. At least Father took the more traditional view of entertaining and took the gentlemen to the study after dinner… did you eat, husband?”

“I managed something in the kitchens before I came up here.” I frett for a moment and he waves me off. “I’ve not the strength for another trip. Sustenance can wait until morning. It is good, though. What your father did. Then you were allowed a respite, however brief.”

I snort at this, but Peeta’s words do comfort me. He has a point. Since Mr. Hawthorne and his party brought no additional females to the house, I was not forced to play hostess the entire evening but allowed to relax in the company of Prim and Madge, at least for some time before the gentlemen interrupted our tranquil and intimate gathering.

“The strange thing is that as talkative as he was all afternoon, Mr. Hawthorne was equally as taciturn this evening. He hardly said a word unless asked a direct question.”

“It sounds as though I may have had the more enjoyable evening, in terms of the company we kept.”

“Madge saved the evening for me. What with Prim mooning over Mr. Rory Hawthorne and… Oh,” I groan and place a hand over my face. “I had no chance to speak with Madge.”

“Tomorrow,” Peeta says with a wide yawn. “For now… sleep.”

“What of you, husband? Will you not tell me of your troubles?” I needle him and kiss beneath his jaw. He releases a strained puff of air and squeezes his eyes shut tight.

“I am still unconvinced that I am suited to this. To being a doctor.”

“Why not? You are patient and skilled. You listen well and are keenly observant. Generous and kind–”

“And I am frightened.”

“Frightened?” I ask, incredulous. “Of what?” It is difficult to imagine Peeta, who so expertly wields his knife, has killed men in battle, who has mended others while under fire, who faced down a highwayman, as being afraid of a birthing.

“Mrs. Farrow is well but it was a near thing. Katniss…Katniss,” he moans and the sound is so tormented that it near breaks my heart. “I cannot lose you. Childbirth is such an ordeal, so often dangerous. I do not know what I would do if I lost you. I… I do not think I should be the surgeon delivering our child.”

“Your worries make sense,” I say, although my throat is choked with hot tears, even as I brush aside the ones he is so clearly trying and failing to keep inside his eyes. “You were the attending physician for the first time today, and it was not a smooth birth, but it came out all right.”

“With a great deal of luck,” he mutters.

I should soothe his doubts, but in this state, I am not certain that he would listen. “Hmmm. It appears that you suffer from unfounded doubts,” I say and he scoffs lightly. “As your devoted personal healer, I prescribe at least six hours spent abed with your wife. Perhaps half a dozen kisses, and tomorrow, a picnic.”

“And how do you propose I achieve these six hours of sleep when it is nearly dawn already?”

“By sleeping late,” I whisper and I bask in the brightness of his smile.

“We have guests.”

“Damn the guests. Madge can entertain them.”

Peeta yawns then and holds me tighter. I find his hair with my fingers again and begin to toy with the curls again, caressing his nape, kissing up and down his neck.

He rises up and a small squeak of surprise leaves me as he covers me with his body, my lips with his.

“I thought you were tired, husband.”

“I am. Not too tired to appreciate you, wife. I missed you today. You’ve a strength and courage I cannot match.”

“You flatter me shamelessly.”

“No. I love you shamelessly,” he whispers and I sigh into the kisses. “Let me drink of your courage, my pearl.”

I do not understand his need, only that I am somehow able to fill it, and so I kiss him. I kiss him until I am certain our lips shall be bruised in the morning and still I kiss him more. He holds his weight off of me with one arm, his leg holding me beneath his warmth and his other hand wandering the curves and valleys of my body. His fingers raise goose flesh and desire as they slowly slowly slide between my thighs. I relax beneath his touch, eager to feel his fingers on my intimate flesh.

“Papa,” a soft whisper reaches us as Peeta halts, his body rigid against mine and then he whirls around. I attempt to order my hair and halt the thundering of my heart, swallow back my frustration at the interruption of our passion to smile at Miranda.

She stands beside our bed in her night gown and slippers, her hair escaping the braid Sae attempted to give her tonight. She is twisting her fingers about and looking almost frightened.

“Papa,” she says again, “Is the baby here now? The one you went to take care of today?”

“Y-yes,” Peeta stutters.

“So you will be at home tomorrow?”

“Unless I am needed again. And I will have to go check on the mother and the new babe. Would you… would you like to go with me for that?”

“I would,” she nods and then turns to leave. Peeta’s entire body lurches towards her.

“Miranda,” he calls out and she spins back around, scrambling into the bed with us and straight into Peeta’s arms.

Somehow, the three of us end up in an embrace, a tangle of limbs and love, with Miranda’s hand on my belly. The babe pushes out against my womb then, hand or foot pressing back against Miranda’s hand. Her eyes widen and I smile at her.

Shortly after, I see Miranda back to her bed, insisting that Peeta remain in bed as he’s already removed his leg and I’ve already gotten some rest this night.

When I return to bed, Peeta grunts and I am convinced he has fallen asleep in my absence, even though he encompasses me in his embrace as I settle. I, however, am now wide awake. I lay there for a moment, touching him in the darkness, thinking on my dream, the one I was in the midst of when he woke me. I start singing, only a whisper of the melody. I grow drowsy and then finally follow Peeta into sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even before we rise, Peeta is called away again, this time with a knock on the door. I drag myself to it to answer, ready to flay the intruder for disturbing our precious sleep, only to be met with worried eyes and frantic words.

An entire family that has fallen ill. Feverish and with rashes. Fear of measles makes Peeta hasty in leaving me. He pauses only to explain to Miranda that it is not wise for her to accompany him today, if it does indeed turn out to be measles. She is disappointed, but insists that she understands.

“Your husband is absent again today?” Mr. Hawthorne asks as we ride across Everdeen much later, in search of a place to picnic. Peeta returned after seeing to the ill family, only long enough to bathe and change his clothes, to prevent the spread of disease when he went to attend the new mother and her babe. He’s had no time for guests today.

“I think it noble of him. Admirable,” Rory states. “Rather than leaving the tenants to fester in squalor and disease as some would, the family has found a way to see to their needs quickly, providing a capable surgeon, no less!”

I send Rory a grateful glance and Prim is especially pleased. Mr. Hawthorne turns away from this comment and asks Madge a question about Diablo. I do not hear it, but I do hear her answer.

“He is not mine. I’ve only the use of him while I stay with Katniss and her family.”

“You’ve a question about one of my horses, Mr. Hawthorne?” I ask.

“He no doubt is inquiring after potential studs, are you not, Gale?” Mr. Fremont says, bringing his horse close to Gale’s.

“You know that I am,” Gale states rather curtly before turning to me. “One venture I have long wished to embark on is a horse farm. I only recently find myself in a position for it to be feasible.”

“And you’ve your eye on Diablo as a potential stud? He’s not for sale, nor up for inheritance,” I say simply.

“Everything is for sale, for the right price, Mrs. Mellark. But I must admit you have several prime stallions in your stable. Perhaps you might consider a stud fee for them. In that way, you and I could both achieve what we desire.”

“I doubt that our desires could ever be reconciled, Mr. Hawthorne,” I state and immediately regret it based on the scowl he sends me. Oh, I am failing so miserably at earning his good graces and yet I cannot seem to help myself. There is something about him that grates on me, or perhaps it is simply this power that he will hold over me one day. His position to inherit my home.

“Where would you set up such a venture?” Madge asks, and I am grateful for her diverting his attention.

“Oh I’ve a few prospects, although I am still in negotiations. So many landowners are loathe to part with their holdings for anything less than a ridiculous sum, even when they find themselves mired in debts.”

“Patience and perseverance,” Mr. Fremont states and I bite my tongue.

Thankfully, we approach the pond on the border between Everdeen and Undersee lands before more can be said. All agree that this is an excellent prospect for our picnic.

Madge assists me in lowering myself to the blanket and I squeeze her hand. “Are you certain this is acceptable?”

Her eyes flick towards the ruins of her old home, the manor overrun now with vines and foliage, reclaiming the stone for the earth.

“I will be alright. I suppose I must face it at some time, especially if I intend to do anything with it. What about you?”

“Madge,” I whisper, “There is something we need to speak about.”

“Is the lake stocked?” Mr. Fremont interrupts and Madge turns to him with a smile.

“It was last I was here, five years ago. The fish have been left quite alone since then.”

“Some of Everdeen’s tenants may have availed themselves of a few fish,” I admit and give an apologetic look to Madge. She places a hand on mine and then continues to set up the feast we’ve brought.

“Does that anger you, Mrs. Mellark? I am curious…what is the punishment for poaching on Everdeen?”

“A turned cheek and an adjustment to either taxes or payments, Mr. Hawthorne. We’re farmers, not tyrants here,” I say happily and smile at him. “I have no wish to begrudge a family a few fish or a hare caught in a time of need.”

Mr. Hawthorne tilts his head and says something to Mr. Fremont that I do not hear, but I do see that his scowl has shifted somehow. Perhaps Mr. Hawthorne can in fact be reasoned with after all.

“I’ve no idea what the occasional fishing would do to the population,” Madge says as she rises and approaches the gentlemen. “Perhaps we shall simply have to make an attempt at catching a fish to find out.”

It quickly becomes apparent that she will stay near them and converse while they attempt some fishing. I resign myself to not speaking to her yet and to reading my book, as Prim also seems to prefer Rory’s company close to the lakeshore.

Miranda and Maysilee wander over to the ruins and climb about them. Laughter is bright in the air. At one point, I catch Mr. Hawthorne smiling and the expression changes his face entirely.

It makes me think again on my tactic, of showing to him how Everdeen is not the squalor and hopeless destitution of so many other similar estates. I care about our tenants. Peeta cares about them. My father has always cared about them. We are not in the business of crushing anyone beneath our boots, nor of squeezing every penny possible out of them.

Eventually, the day fades and we return home for dinner, with a handful of fish the gentlemen have caught, which are promptly delivered to the kitchens. I am grateful to have Peeta with us for dinner as we dine on the fish. Even though the presence of guests necessitates that he not sit beside me, his mere presence helps calm me and I am able to entertain rather well, I believe.

Even later, as I wander past the study door and catch a few words of heated political discussion, I am not overly angry. I may be forbidden from the conversation because of our guests, but I know that my husband will represent us both well.

The discussion seems to continue over chess that evening, when Mr. Hawthorne seems to be taken with a desire to play. I smirk and hide my glee behind my book. Mr. Hawthorne has no idea what he is in for. My kind, patient husband is a master strategist and deliciously devious at times. The game drags into the evening, and although there are other entertainments, music and singing with Madge and Prim providing the bulk of the merriment, my attention is riveted to Peeta.

“Your husband is fond of chess?” Mr. Fremont asks as he settles beside me.

“Yes, he is,” I answer easily. “Are you Mr. Fremont? Or do you share your associate’s obsession with the horse?”

“Not nearly so, I am afraid. I’ve always been fond of a good riddle or a harmless jest. Gale is much more business minded. I am merely a friendly face who assists in helping place others at ease in his presence.”

“He does seem rather formidable,” I mutter and flip my page, leaving my finger behind because I truly did not read the entirety of the text.

“He can be, but…would you believe if I told you he is truly tender-hearted and exceptionally loyal? He cares a great deal for others, and those who are close to him receive the best of protections.” I make a disbelieving noise and Mr. Fremont lowers his head. “He is a rather sore loser, however.”

My eyes glance over the chess board and I smile slightly. “Then I think he is about to dislike my husband as much as he dislikes me.”

“He does not dislike you, Mrs. Mellark. He is simply…uncertain as to how to interact with you.”

“Hmmmm…suggesting that I have neglected my tenants is a grievous misstep, if that is the case.”

“Ah, well that may be faulted to his passionate nature. At times, he speaks without remembering to whom he speaks. He means no harm by it, only possesses the belief that his views are more common sense than opinion, which makes him overly vocal at times.”

“Such poor manners.”

“Well when you put it that way, I suppose he can be a bit of a boor,” Mr. Fremont says with a chuckle. “How badly is he about to lose? I do not know much about chess. Perhaps I should learn.”

“Are you certain Mr. Hawthorne is a fair player? He is about to lose shamefully fast.” Mr. Fremont hums.

“I’ve been led to believe he is quite skilled at it.”

“Perhaps he is distracted. I’m sure the prospect of seeing a fine horse can do that to him.” Mr. Fremont’s fingers clench rather tightly on the stem of his glass of brandy and he tosses the rest of it back with a high sort of flush on his cheeks.

“Yes. Easily distracted. Nothing more.”

“Checkmate,” Peeta murmurs, removing his fingers from his queen. Mr. Hawthorne glowers and then…miraculously laughs. He reaches out a hand and congratulates Peeta on the game.

“There are not many who can best me so quickly,” Mr. Hawthorne states. Mr. Fremont coughs rather loudly, drawing the gazes of the two men from across the room.

“I believe I shall turn in,” Mr. Fremont says.

“Yes,” Mr. Hawthorne agrees and waves carelessly. “Another game, Mr. Mellark?”

“I’m afraid I must decline. It has been two rather long days of work for me.”

“Your stallion…”

“I shall make my morning rounds swift and have time to show him to you in the afternoon,” Peeta states. “Will that suffice?”

“I look forward to it,” Mr. Hawthorne says.

Peeta stands from the table and I set my book aside, looping my arm with his as we leave together. As we turn the corner, I am certain that I feel eyes boring into the back of my head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Is this the flower you spoke of? Before we were married?” Peeta asks as I sit waiting between the covers. He spins the bloom between his fingers and gazes with wonder at the orange petals.

“It is,” I answer. I placed it in a glass filled with water the day that I asked Rory to pick it from the meadow. Peeta and I have both been so occupied since then that I’d nearly forgotten, and he’d not noticed until tonight.

“So soft and delicate. Beautiful,” he murmurs and meets my gaze. The heat I see in his blue eyes captures my breath and gives it back to me in a racing heartbeat. “Thank you, my love.”

“I knew you would like it,” I tease him. “You’ve a weakness for beautiful things.”

“Having an eye for beauty is no weakness, my love,” he says and then climbs atop the bed, the flower still clenched in his fingers. “Except perhaps when it comes to you.”

He is so close, his eyes hooded as he sets the flower on my lips and traces them carefully. “Soft petals to soft petals… take off your gown.”

His last words are not soft and I shiver but remove the garment with haste. Then… then there is no haste but there is great beauty in the way he loves me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the morning, I am feeling empowered and well rested. Facing Mr. Hawthorne across the breakfast table is not such a chore with the memories of Peeta’s lips on me, his arms surrounding me, his whispered promises and the petals of my gift for him caressing my ears and bringing us to climax so swiftly.

After, he had placed the flower back in its glass with a sweet smile on his face, and I knew that I would forever be searching for gifts such as this. An orange flower, a set of paintbrushes, a favored book, to bring a smile to his face and his kisses to my lips.

I catch Mr. Hawthorne staring at me in an unnerving manner, near enough to rude to warrant my returning his stare with a scowl until Mr. Fremont elbows him and Mr. Hawthorne finally looks away.

“Wedded bliss becomes you,” Madge whispers. “Or perhaps it is pending motherhood that becomes you. Either way, there is jealousy afoot this morning.”

“I cannot imagine why,” I mutter back and she glances at me then away with such speed.

“Can’t you?”

“Madge…we never spoke the other day–”

“What are the plans for today, Mrs. Mellark?” Mr. Hawthorne interrupts and I grind my teeth. To think that I was starting to find him tolerable or at least reasonable last night. “How shall we entertain ourselves until Mr. Mellark returns with that magnificent beast of his?”

“Perhaps a visit to Seam and the village.”

“Excellent.” The plans decided, we scatter to prepare.

Primrose and Rory decide to remain at home, with Mother and Father. Dr. Aurelius is feeling well enough to have accompanied Peeta in attending to their patients this morning. Mr. Fremont begs off on riding with us, claiming a rough night of sleep.

With our diminished party, we set out for Seam, the three of us. I am not overly fond of sitting alone while Madge and Mr. Hawthorne ride ahead of me, conversing to one another. His presence has prevented me from speaking to her. Whenever the moment has felt opportune, he has either interrupted or she has escaped, making me wonder perhaps if she is avoiding me.

Could she know that I was outside the stables that night? All of my worries suddenly feel as though they are piling up on my head and so I am in a foul mood all through our shopping and tour of the village. The only good thing to come of it is how astonished Mr. Hawthorne is by the way Madge and I are both received.

“Did you find hints of uprising, Mr. Hawthorne? Unhappy villagers feeling the crushing weight of mistreatment and oppression?” I ask and Madge gives me an oddly quelling look. I shrug as he makes a noncommittal noise.

“No obvious hints, Mrs. Mellark. But it is spring.”

“Which immediately follows the leaner months of winter.”

“Perhaps,” he allows, and yet I fancy that there is something speculative, almost impressed in his eyes now. I dare not hope yet that my tactic is working however. As soon as we return to Everdeen, I am handed a note written in Peeta’s hand. I tear into it and reach for Madge.

“What is it?” she asks and I hand it to her as I hurry inside, ignoring her as she reads it aloud.

Harriet Nells lost this morning. ~P

No other words, only this brief sentence to tell me that the child he was tending, the one with the measles…is dead.

“Sae! Mrs. Chilton!” I shout as I move through the hall. Servants spring into action. My mother bundles herbs and sets out immediately with others to see to the cleaning and airing of the hut, the funeral arrangements as the parents are both still ill.

A child has been lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is no mention of horses, nor of inheritance. Even Mr. Hawthorne pitches in to help. The day fades into evening and all who left to assist slowly return to Everdeen. The child has been bathed and dressed. The grave has been dug and Father Crane called upon. She will be buried in the morning.

I sit on the verandah, listening to the evening bugs and waiting for my husband, wondering that he stays away. Johanna stops to check on me and places a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

“He’ll not take it well. Losing one so young. So needlessly.”

All I can do is nod and wonder at my husband’s mental state. Eventually, Johanna leaves me to my vigil and another arrives. A cleared throat causes me to turn my head and look askance at Mr. Hawthorne.

“I beg leave to intrude, Mrs. Mellark.”

“It will be your verandah one day,” I say simply and turn my gaze back to the lane.

“Yes. About that…it has occured to me that I may have erred in my initial assessment of Everdeen.”

I snort and bite at my thumb nail. Where is Peeta?

“You see, as much as I love my brother, he can be rather naive and kind hearted.”

“I fail to see how that is a flaw.”

“Perhaps the flaw was mine. I did not entirely believe him when he first described Everdeen. It made little sense. A welcoming farm of middling importance and small operation allowing so many to wander here in need. And you…rushing off to Capitol to seek a husband and a fortune to secure your future. Naturally, I assumed you must be hiding some sort of dire financial situation.”

“If this is an attempt at an apology, Mr. Hawthorne, you fail miserably,” I state and he laughs. Actually laughs.

“Perhaps so.” He carefully sweeps back the tails of his coat and sits beside me. “May I speak freely?”

“Make yourself at home, Mr. Hawthorne,” I state with an imperious look and he cannot hold my gaze. “As you’ve repeatedly noted the past few days, it will all be yours one day anyways.”

“It is precisely that which I wish to speak with you about.”

I sigh and wait for him to continue. He will continue unprompted if he has something to say, I have discovered.

“I feel as though you and I have gotten off on the wrong foot.”

“Whatever gave you that impression.”

“Mr. Fremont for one, and for another… Lady Charmaigne.” I hum and he again clears his throat. “There are other factors as well. You must understand, I’d reason to doubt Rory’s description of this place.”

“Then why trust him to the task?”

“I was unable to travel here. I was… needed elsewhere. And as I said, I was in disbelief that you, who seemed so sensible and practical, level headed and forthright in your letters, would rush off to secure a stranger as a husband. Why bring an unknown into the equation when a perfect option that would see everyone’s needs met was right in front of you, given how keen you seem to retain Everdeen.”

“You talk in riddles, Mr. Hawthorne. Of course I wish to retain my home. What human with a heart would not?”

“Apologies. That would be Darius’ influence, I am afraid,” Mr. Hawthorne states with that smile that transforms his face. “You see, Mrs. Mellark, it’s been made apparent to me that it is time I take a wife. My first and obvious choice would have been you, since I cannot be present at all of my properties at once and you would have made an excellent and knowledgeable steward.”

“Pray, do not flatter me so,” I say even though I know I should hold my tongue. Besides, I’ve gone utterly cold at his words.

“A marriage between us would have solved all your troubles. You however, chose to do otherwise and somehow, despite the haste of it all, managed to secure a marriage to the son of a marquis anyways. I congratulate you on your excellent catch, by the way.”

“You’ve no need to tell me how fortunate I am in marriage. I am well aware of it.”

“Yes, but the simple truth of it is, your needs in terms of Everdeen would have been met more swiftly had you been patient and instead married me. It was in fact my intention to do so and I think that now that we are acquainted, your own haste annoys you.”

I glare at him. How dare he!

“I am…accustomed to speaking plainly and am told that sometimes this makes me appear abrasive. I do however hope that we are able to put that aside in future and work together towards a solution that is acceptable to both of us. I’ve no desire to toss such a welcoming family out in the cold.”

“Well,” I state, the rancor dripping off my tongue. “As you pointed out, I managed to snare myself an exceptionally excellent catch. His wealth ensures that I will not be cold, even if you should toss me out of my home.”

I’ve more to say, but the sound of hooves on the gravel and the snort of Cicero reaches me then. I excuse myself and hurry past Mr. Hawthorne. Peeta sways precariously in his saddle and I gasp as he nearly falls. Jo and Charles are swift to respond and manage to halt his descent, but it is Mr. Hawthorne who manages to safely see him to the ground, albeit laying down.

“Peeta,” I say frantically and check him over for injuries. He appears merely dazed and exhausted. I scold myself for not realising sooner how close to despair he was getting. “Peeta look at me.”

“Katniss,” he murmurs. “I lost…”

“I know. There was nothing else you could have done.”

“Wasn’t there?” he asks bitterly.

“Do not torment yourself so, at least not on the front stairs.” Others have joined us now and I give directions to have him carried to the bathing room. Charles to take care of Cicero. I demand Jo accompany us. I’ve no need to say the words, though. She is there without question.

“Thank you, Mr. Hawthorne, we will see to him from here,” I state and push him out of the bathing room once Peeta has been deposited. He makes to protest and I shut the door in his face before turning back to my husband and guiding the procedure of seeing him undressed and into the steaming tub.

“Have you seen him like this before?” I whisper to Jo as I wash his hair.

“Only the once,” Johanna whispers. “When he could not save Daniel Merritt. The boy…he was seventeen and newly married. Shot through his throat. Then…while Peeta was trying to stop the bleeding… the enemy grabbed Daniel’s foot, dragged him away and shot him in the gut. Peeta… followed and got too close to their line…” she trails off and I do not ask for the rest. I merely point to his scarred ribs and she nods.

We work together, and by the time we have him clean and the water drained, he is lucid again, although silent. He obeys my words as I order him out of the tub and dried. It is a bit of a trick, getting him upstairs with his leg already removed, but my father lends assistance.

Once we are left alone, I begin the longest vigil of my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the morning, Peeta is staring at me. “You think me weak.”

“I think you care far more than a human heart should be expected to bear,” I whisper.

“You do not understand.”

“Perhaps not. Perhaps I never can. But I do know that however many you have lost, there are dozens more that you saved, and will save. The boy you brought into the world only days ago. Mrs. Farrow. There will be more. Do not deprive them before they’ve had a chance to survive under your care.”

He almost laughs at that and then shakes his head. “You’ve a way with words, wife.”

“I learned from you, husband, and only give to you what you have given to me.”

“And what have I given to you?”

“Hope.”

“There is no hope in the Nells household right now.”

“Of course not. Not yet. But there will be. It will take time, and great care, but life can be good again some day, even for them. Even for you.” I stretch across the bed and press a soft kiss to his lips. “And now, I mean to distract you from your worries.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve little luck in distracting Peeta the next day. We are somber as we travel to the church, dressed in dark clothes and silent through the funeral. Peeta remains withdrawn the rest of the day after, no matter what I do to cajole him out of it. Eventually, I desist and settle for holding his hand in mine whenever possible. Holding him in my arms as we sleep that night. I wish for this awful day to end, and although I am granted my wish, I still wish that it had not been so long. I cannot imagine the pain Mr. and Mrs. Nells must be experiencing, especially now that Peeta says they are on the mend.

Two days after the funeral, we are to resume pleasantries and entertainments. The day dawns warm and sunny in cooperation. Peeta left our room before I even woke and I worry about him.

“Ah, Mrs. Mellark,” Mr. Fremont greets me when I leave the house after breakfast. “May I accompany you?”

“I am only headed to the stables,” I say and he falls into step beside me. I hate to snub him, he seems an amiable and kind enough sort, and yet I have decided that since I’ve not been able to pin Madge down to a discussion, that I shall confront Johanna.

“Your company will brighten the day,” he states and I can’t help the smile or the blush.

“You flatter a married woman, Mr. Fremont.”

“Tis no crime to acknowledge beauty. Your husband, I am sure, would agree with me.”

I am momentarily cheered by the flattery, although I know I should put a stop to it immediately. I do not feel as though Mr. Fremont means any harm by it, although now I will need to find a way to lose him if I am to speak with Johanna. I am still searching for excuses when we enter the stables, only to find ourselves intruding on a demonstration.

I am both annoyed and relieved at the sight that greets me.

“Magnificent. Such a powerful beast,” Mr. Hawthorne states with great awe as Peeta holds Cicero by the bridle for inspection. Madge and Johanna are nowhere to be found and I come to stand beside Mr. Hawthorne and listen to their discussion. He glances at me and then clears his throat. “Who is his sire?”

“Cicero has no famous sire,” Peeta says.

“I suppose his lineage is from ancient destriers, then.”

“His lineage is uncertain. He’s something of a mutt.”

“And how is he at obeying commands? Obedient, I hope,” Gale says with admiration.

“In a way,” Peeta says with a smile and then touches Cicero on his neck, the way I know now that Cicero takes as a command to bow. He does so.

“Extraordinary. Verbal commands?” Peeta shakes his head.

“No, I’m afraid not.”

“Cicero cannot hear, Mr. Hawthorne. He responds purely to touch,” I interrupt.

“Does he now?” Mr. Hawthorne says. His gloved fingers flex in an odd way and he smiles as Peeta steps to fasten Cicero’s saddle.

Nimble fingers pluck his gloves from his hands as Mr. Hawthorne motions towards Cicero.

“Might I at least give a try? He is most extraordinary.” Peeta obliges, but Mr. Hawthorne cannot seem to gain a response from Cicero, even with Peeta’s guidance on how the commands work.

“Stubborn or…”

“Merely well trained,” Peeta contradicts.

“You’ll have little luck, Mr. Hawthorne. Cicero and my husband are kindred spirits. His deafness necessitates that he respond to a very specific touch, and only that touch.”

“So how does he respond to other riders, Mrs. Mellark? Does he enjoy them or torment them?”

The question confuses me, as well as its direction at me. “I’ve never had problems with him, but he is familiar with me. If you’re looking to try a horse from our stables rather than your own mount, perhaps Guinivere. She is docile enough to adjust to any number of riders.”

“Not today, I think,” Mr. Hawthorne says dismissively, eyes still fixated on Cicero. “I find that a stallion provides a more…vigorous ride. Don’t you, Mr. Mellark?”

“I’ve not ridden many mares, so I’ve no comparison,” Peeta says.

“Indeed?” Mr. Hawthorne asks, and he sounds a little overly excited for the subject. Mr. Fremont must have underestimated Mr. Hawthorne’s interest in horses to me the other day. “Shall we then, Mr. Mellark? I am eager to see him in action.”

“We’ve plans already, Gale,” Mr. Fremont states. Mr. Hawthorne turns to him and scowls slightly.

“Can they not be rearranged?”

“We are guests,” Mr. Fremont reminds him. “We should not cause so much trouble.”

“It is no trouble,” Peeta says and I smile at him. He returns the expression. There’s a strange shyness in his gaze and I wink at him, making him blush.

Mr. Hawthorne ends our flirtations with another attempt at gaining obedience from Cicero. Blessed, loyal horse that he is, Cicero snorts and sidesteps, agitated with the unfamiliar touch and then immediately calmed at Peeta’s.

“Apparently he does not wish another rider,” Mr. Fremont states.

“Here you are, Mr. Hawthorne,” Charles interrupts as he presents Mr. Hawthorne’s horse, already saddled. “All ready for you.”

“Excellent. A hard ride is exactly what I think we all need this morning. Darius, shall you join us?”

“Am I welcome to?”

Mr. Hawthorne flicks his gaze at Mr. Fremont and then smoothly mounts his horse. Darius mutters under his breath and quickly moves to join them. It is only as I follow on foot, Peeta mounted on Cicero that I spot Madge in the courtyard. She too is mounted on Diablo and I scowl at how they’ve managed to exclude me. The cart has not been ordered.

I am festering in annoyance until Peeta circles back to me and, halting Cicero with a particular press of his knees, leans over in the saddle. Despite the audience, Peeta’s gloved hand threads through my hair and he kisses me.

I suck in a sharp breath at the blatant display, but I cannot stop my heart pounding faster and louder than galloping hooves. I cling to the sleeves of his coat and when he lifts his head again, I am breathing in a ridiculous fashion.

He smiles at me, and whispers against my lips before he turns Cicero. “You deserve a break from entertaining, my love. I haven’t forgotten, you know. I am still the luckiest bastard in the world.”

I watch him riding away as long as possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The days fly by. Nearly the whole seven night has passed and soon the Mr.’s Hawthorne will depart. I cannot say that I am upset over it, and yet something foreboding hangs over my head. There are days when Mr. Hawthorne barely speaks, silently observing all he sees. There are others when he rants interminably, and I wonder if it would be rude to stuff goose down in his meats to silence him. He is slightly more tolerable since our talk on the verandah. Although he still has yet to broach the subject again of a solution that would suit us both, at least he refrains from disparaging myself or Everdeen.

Thankfully, it is not all dire news. Miranda blooms, speaking more freely and laughing with great joy. Primrose and Rory appear to have solidified their courtship. Father has given his approval for it to continue into the season Prim will attend come winter.

And yet…I still have not managed an audience with Madge. She is perpetually busy or absent and even Maysilee has expressed concern in her behaviour.

Two days before our guests are to depart, I hide myself away in the garden to read, delighted when Madge joins me, her footsteps steady on the gravel.

“Madge, finally,” I say as I set aside my book. “We’ve need to talk.”

“Yes, we have,” she says and swallows. It is then that I notice how pale she is.

“Oh Madge, you know how I love you. You can tell me anything, whatever it is that troubles you.” I smile at her, surprised at the strength of her grip as she takes both my hands in hers and lifts her chin.

“And I hope you can forgive me anything as well.”

“Of course I can, but there is nothing to forgive” I insist. I am not prepared for it when she stares into my eyes and speaks.

“I am to marry Mr. Hawthorne next month.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be continued…

The word you seek within this chapter may have more than one meaning in the world of The Hunger Games. A temptation of gift that draws Katniss forth seeking medicine, or a bounty of food. Here, it is laid upon a blanket for consumption.

#Springtime Edition 2019 #late submissions #m #prompt 88 #submission

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oreranoneiro · 4 years

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Matsumura Hokuto 10,000 characters interview (Myojo 2020 May Edition)

When we formed a circle that day, it was the moment we promised, “Let’s go on with the 6 of us, forever.”

If it's these 6 members, we'll be even greater.

Once again, congratulations on your debut.

Thank you very much. But we'll go further from now on. I'm super passionate right now. I want to keep working and do something every day. Many thoughts are running through my head; what more I can do and what is coming from now on, about the group and about the members. From there, I realised that if it's these 6 members, we'll be even greater. That's why it's only the beginning.

You're not satisfied with the current situation?

Satisfied!? Honestly, right now I'm not. Not at all. I’m glad when people go, “Amazing!” at the current SixTONES, but I also want to tell them it's nothing yet. I want to tell them to keep watching the six of us. Because it's from now on. I say that but it's not like we have a fundamental vision of anything (laughs). It was like that from our Jr. era. We would go all out for one concert, but when the next one comes around, we’d have zero ideas. We can't conjure up a vision for the next thing. We might have zero ideas, but the passion of the six of us is driving this whirlwind. We don't know what's coming or what we'll do next, but if I think about our potential, it's isn’t only this.

I think being the main character is cool.

We’d like to backtrack on your path to debut. Do you have a memory from childhood?

Is it okay if this one isn't an experience? I vaguely like french toast. If I look for a deeper reason, it seems like I often ate french toast when I was a baby. After becoming an adult, I’d often eat it on the streets as it became popular, and it really is delicious. But what I like the most is buying plain bread at the supermarket, cutting the edge, and making a simple french toast by adding egg, milk and sugar, then pouring maple syrup on it. It feels like something my mom made.

You also like cooking, right?

I have liked it for a long time. I always watched my mom cook, so maybe it's the effect of that. When I was a kid, I used to dream of having a curry shop or a ramen shop. Apparently, I couldn't pronounce it properly, so at kindergarten I said, "I want to be Karen-san and Ramen-san!" (laughs) After that, I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to help people in trouble.

When you started learning karate in first grade, was it because you wanted to be a hero?

I don't remember the reason, but it wasn’t because of someone else’s suggestion. "I want to learn karate!" was something I said myself.

Wasn't the training strict?

It was strict, but I was completely absorbed in it soon after starting. However, around 3rd grade, I plateaued and couldn't advance. I didn't win matches, and I considered quitting a couple of times. My worried parents told me, "After going on this far, we think you should continue. But the final decision is yours." In the end, I didn't quit. It isn’t a cool story where I went on because I hated to lose. It was because if I quit, I felt like I would have lost something inside me. Also, the fear of betraying my parents' expectations was really strong.

Did you have any interest in the entertainment world?

None at all. In 5th grade, by chance I watched the drama 'Kurosagi'. I don't normally watch drama, but I think the protagonist is really cool. I wanted to imitate him, I wanted to be someone like that. But I didn't even know his name. When I talked about it in class, someone said "That's Yamapi (Yamashita Tomohisa)." Everyone knew him. I suddenly felt enthusiastic and asked my parents to register me in the fanclub. I also went to NEWS’s concert. He was also really cool during concerts.

Then you send an application to Johnny's.

The first time I sent it was in grade 5. I sent the second one a year later. There was no reply to both applications.

But you didn't give up?

I didn’t. That's why I sent my third application in the first year of middle school. At that time, I consulted my parents. Maybe they saw how impatient I was and thought, if I didn't have a deadline, how long would I suffer for? Just like back then with karate, instead of pushing their opinion on me, they told me to think about the possibility of it not working out. So I came to a decision. If they did not reply by April 1st, the beginning of my second year, then I will give up. It was because in the second year, I would have to focus on high school preparation. That's why even if an answer came after April 1st, I wouldn't go to the audition.

When did the response come?

February. Just barely before the time limit. We have a video of that. I came home after the end of term exam, and somehow my mom is recording with a handycam. Then she gave me a sheet of fax. But instead of Johnny's Audition, written there was The Shounen Club back dancer auditions. It is a program in which only Johnny's could perform, so it was actually a Johnny's audition. For a moment I couldn't wrap my head around it. I felt sorry for my mom because she couldn't get the reaction she expected. (laughs)

Shimekake and I were made into a pair.

How was the audition?

We went from Shizuoka to Tokyo in a car. Dad driving, mom by his side, me in the back seat. As we came closer to Tokyo, the mixed feeling of nervousness, happiness, and uneasiness intensified. It would have been decided on that day whether or not my three-year-long dream from grade 5 will come true. It's not simply three years. For I who was thirteen, it was 3 years out of my 13-year-long life. But I’ve never done anything like dancing, and I don't know how many will pass the audition. The only thing I understood was that if the insignificant me made one mistake and they told me to go home, that will be the end of my dream. Realizing that, I started crying. I tried to hide it, but mom realized it and looked back at me, then I thought she might cry, too. When I saw her face, I shouted, "Don't cry!". I tried to be intimidating, so my tears stopped just like that. Now when we look back at it, mom told me, "You were really angry at that time, huh." I laughed it off and said, "It was because everyone was so cool in the audition, there was no way I would have passed if my eyes were swollen."

What happened after you arrived?

We put on name labels. At first, we formed lines and someone taught us the choreography, and we danced intently. Then gradually we were told of our positions. "You, go forward. You, in the back.” The most vivid memory was when Shimekake (Ryuya) was by my side. I thought he was cute, but also really good at dancing. Then, Johnny-san called me over. It might be because I wrote my English proficiency level on my application, but suddenly he started speaking English. His pronunciation was really like a native speaker so I didn't understand anything. I thought 'Ah, I'm in danger'. When we were on break, I got called over by Johnny-san and the choreography teacher and they told me, "You, go and keep practicing without rest." I felt down. I wanted to practice but I didn't have any dancing experience, and I couldn't remember the choreo, either. At that time, I relied on Shimekake. "I don't remember the choreo, can you teach me?" When practice started again, Shimekake and I slowly went forward, and in the end we stood on the foremost center, in the position that's like partner.

How was the result?

The day after was the recording of The Shounen Club, so when Johnny-san asked if I could come, I answered "I will!". However, the night after the audition there came a phone call from Johnny-san. "YOU don't have to come tomorrow." When I asked why, he said "YOU are in Shizuoka, that's really far. I'll let you do something even greater." Doesn't that make you wonder what that greater thing would be? I thought it was a lie so that he could turn me down without hurting me, because I believe there's no way that kind of Cinderella Story would happen. If it was that good, everything would have gone smoothly from a long time ago. Even I know that such a convenient story would only happen to people who don't wait. That's why I keep on saying that I will definitely come, and in the end, it was like Johnny-san gave in.

You kept pushing and came to the recording.

Yes. in front of everyone, Johnny-san said in a loud voice, "YOU, why did you come!" and I was really embarrassed. But then he laughed and said, "You're really determined, huh." Suddenly he told me to appear in 'Jr. ni Q' corner. I tagged along to the waiting room, and there he told Goseki (Koichi)-kun. "Goseki, bring this kid with you." Goseki-kun agreed indifferently. When the time came, Goseki-kun pulled my hand to the stage and over there were Koyama (Keiichiro)-kun from my favorite NEWS and Nakamaru (Yuichi)-kun. I always watched 'The Shounen Club', so I can't believe I could stand there myself.

It’s because you are that; It’s because it's like that.

Right after you joined the company, you were added to B.I.Shadow, so the 'great thing' Johnny-san said really did happen.

I think it was the Shokura practice 2 weeks after I joined. Johnny-san told me "There's this kid who’s a great star, you should always be with him. Be in his group." and introduced me to Nakajima Kento. "That's B.I.Shadow, and you're in that. It was 3 members but now it’s 4 members. It's like that," he said. I'm already panicking, so I was like "What do you mean like that? I'm joining this group? There's no way I'm in B.I.Shadow, right?"

So you yourself were doubting it.

Yes. During the next week's rehearsal, when the choreographer called "B.I.!!" I tagged along. Everyone around me went "eh!?" and became a bit noisy. But Kento and (Kikuchi) Fuma really treated me well. There were times when I asked about the choreo and they told me to wait but didn't teach me, and for a while I thought they were unreliable, though (laughs). Looking back now, it was only a year after they joined but they still looked after me. When they were free, most of the time they would be checking my dance.

After that, you were active as a part of Nakayama Yuma w/ B.I.Shadow and NYC Boys. You also accomplished a CD release and a Kouhaku performance.

All of that was in my first year. What an exciting first year.

Any conversation with Yamada-kun and Chinen-kun from that time that you still remember?

We barely talked with each other, so close to none. Because I was really shy.

But in a magazine interview back when you just joined, you said never feeling shy is your strong point.

I was probably trying to look tough. I just joined and want to be an innocent, sociable little brother who anyone can fawn over, but I was actually forcing myself. I'm basically pretty cheerful and chatty, but also annoyingly shy toward strangers.

After that, there was a period where your workload lessened.

There was. At first, it was just a faint sense of discomfort, but gradually it became stronger. For example, I thought "Huh? There's no interview for B.I.Shadow this month, but Kento and Fuma went to an interview together."

I see.

I was a junior high schooler, but still realized the intention behind the upper and lower case letters of ‘NYC boys'. The three of them wore red costumes, while we're in the back wearing different costumes. The workload was indeed decreasing, but I was just holding on desperately. Even on the song where Kento and Fuma are supposed to sing with just the two of them, I memorized the choreo so when the time came, I could say "I can dance it too!" and they would let me perform it with them. Of course, I didn't get the mic, and for a while I thought it couldn't be helped anymore. I struggled to think of a way to escape this world of leftovers. I didn't want to disappoint my parents and hometown friends, but more than anything, it was a world I really yearn after, so there was no way I'm giving up easily.

Getting into a group right after joining, you may look like one of the elites but in fact you were struggling too.

Yeah. I want to get even a bit more work, so I moved to Tokyo. When I talked to someone from the agency, they said "You can work from Shizuoka, too." I said it's not for work, but the school I want to enroll in is in Tokyo. Then after moving, I reported to the agency that I now live in Tokyo.

But then Sexy Zone's debut was decided, and B.I.Shadow's activity came to a full stop.

In a flash, any work was gone. My dancing position was pushed to the back too, and there was a month where I had no job at all. It was a really terrible time.

But you looked forward without giving up.

It sounds cool, but I became sulky inside. It clashed with my need to prove myself when I got called. In short, I strayed from the path. I didn't cut corners when it came to dancing, but be it as senior group's dancer or something else, I stood on the stage thinking "Hey! Look, look! Look at me!" I remember singing KinKi Kids' 'Family ~Hitotsu ni naru koto' with glittery makeup and jingling accessories on Junior corner of Hey!Say!JUMP's concert. It's a lovely ballad, but I sang it with a piercing glare and skull ring on my finger. I was desperate to show how good I was. Even though I know better than anyone else that I'm not a special human.

You really struggled.

If the current me can meet me back then, I will warn him for sure. Of course, I could hear, "What a bad sense," "Such a bad image," "He got carried away," from all around me. But with that thorny appearance, the producer of 'Shiritsu Bakaleya Koukou' saw me and thought, "What a sour-looking guy, how interesting." And that was how my position in the cast was decided.

So that was the story of your selection.

Yes. But just because I got chosen by it, doesn't mean the stupid things I did back then were forgiven. But the me back then did go full force. Everything in life is connected. Right and wrong is a different matter altogether, but if you do something desperately, something will definitely come from it.

Even if this group will succeed, do I have it in me...

The drama 'Shiritsu Bakaleya Koukou' that gathered all SixTONES current members was a big hit. Did you feel like you will debut with these 6 members one day?

There was no premonition (laugh). But I did think what a random bunch we are. We left an impression of a group with six mismatched members. There were moments when I thought being with them was somewhat interesting. Like homemade hamburg steak. Even if we're wrong together, it wasn't a steak nor was it a restaurant-level hamburg steak with 100% cow beef. Made with different compositions, it was a homemade hamburg steak for a barbecue we ate together. But it was really delicious.

So slowly something like a group consciousness grew within you?

Yes. We got to sing together in 'Shokura', also appeared together in 'SUMMARY' and concerts. However, I could strongly feel that at first, each of us was focusing on personal success or were clinging desperately to this group as a way to survive.

In 2013, you won no. 1 in 'Jr. You Want To Have As A Lover' category of the Jr. ranking held by Myojo, right.

I was really happy. I totally didn't expect to win it. With what happened after Sexy Zone's debut, along with the push of the Bakaleya franchise, I wondered if there were still people who wanted me to debut. There's a superstition that the Junior who won will be able to debut, right!? As I had won it, it became an encouragement in my heart that even someone like me will be able to debut.

Then, in May 2015, SixTONES became an official group.

19 years old. I thought no matter what kind of future awaits this group, this will be my last group. There's no ‘later on’ if this ends in failure. The last chance.

Right after the formation, did you think you could debut?

At first, not at once. Rather than feeling like we couldn't debut for sure, it was a worry because we were not gaining popularity at all.

I see.

It might have been because I was already worried about myself. Even if this group succeeds, do I have what it takes? What if one way or another I end up quitting?

As you brooded over it, what happened?

Slowly, a lot of things made me feel 'Huh?!' toward the group or members. I didn't try to be liked, and also didn't think anyone liked me. I thought everyone was struggling because it's our last chance and we don't have enough composure. Even though we're in this together, we hurt each other; we went against each other indiscriminately. When something went against our expectations, we looked for someone to blame.

For example?

This is just an example. Currently, in choreography, even if we match you can see our individual arrangement, and we respect each other for the way we dance. However, back then, with one arrangement, someone will go "Isn't that wrong?" and looked for a mistake. "He's doing it wrong." Each of us felt like we were right and blamed someone else, even though there was nothing wrong with it. I also did it to other members. I can't stand the situation where it was like we had an internal discord.

I see.

It's a world where no one knows what is right. That's why I built a wall so I could decide everything for myself. Be it advice or direction from other members, I isolated myself from everything. I finish everything so I don't have to talk with the others at the dressing room, I kept on reading books while putting earphones on.

Did you consider quitting?

My chatty yet shy nature kind of complicated the situation... But even with that attitude, I actually wanted to talk with them, and I didn't think about quitting, not once. I keep on thinking that even if we don't have what it takes as a group, let's go on with what we’ve got. However, I couldn't hide it and made my parents worried. Maybe I barely concealed my situation. "Just think of it as a circle or club activities. Because you got paid, you can also think of it as a part-time job. It's okay if you want to end it. If it's too hard then it's okay," they told me. "Yeah, yeah," I always answered lightly, but deep inside, I always felt sorry for making them worried. "Sorry, but I will go on. I don't have any intention to quit."

All other members said "Hokuto really changed," but was there a trigger to your change?

It’s because now in the dressing room, I'm the most talkative one (lol). But it wasn't only one happening that changed my whole world. It was more like many points that linked into a line. From my point of view, rather than being the one who changed a lot, it's the others who changed and slowly made me conscious that I can show my honest self to them. Everyone really changed. Saying we became adults sounds nice, but I think it was because we kept going on as these six members and slowly gained self-assurance.

Do you have an example of those points that linked together into a line?

Hmm. For example, I’ve always thought that acting is fun, but I'm really bad at it. It became somewhat of a preoccupation. When asked what I want to do, I will feel pressured to answer only with the things I can do. That's why I couldn't say I want to act. In interviews right after the group formation, when asked, "Hokuto-kun, what do you want to do from now on?" I couldn't answer anything. At that time, Jesse will definitely answer "He wants to act. He also looks attractive when acting, so from now on I think he will grow as an actor too," always. There was an instance when I think I can't let him keep saying it for me, I have to be able to convey what I want to do by myself. "I want to act more, but I know that I'm not good. So, I would like more opportunities to practice it." Then, I have to watch more movies, I have to do that, I have to do this. My activities, behavior, and interests changed. Not just Jesse, I also accepted small gestures from other members as the points became a line. I realized those things given to me were what made me change.

Forming a line with the 6 of us and bawling our eyes out.

In 2018, your activity broadened with the 'Johnny's Jr. Channel', you were on magazine covers here and there, managed to get a rare reprint, and the group rapidly gained exposure. Were there any moments that you think changed the wind's direction?

We did 'Amazing!!!!!!' in 2017. With that song, the direction the group is going for became clear. I think that was the culmination of everything. It was at that point that everyone evolved. In a way, 'Amazing!!!!!!' might have been the starting line for SixTONES.

But you repeatedly said you were not focused on debuting, right?

Honestly, rather than not focused on it, it was more like we gave up on debuting. I think there are only a few differences between debuting and not debuting. The biggest difference for me is if we couldn't debut, this group will disappear one day. There's also the possibility of the members changing, because debuting means we are recognised as a group. However, debut or not, SixTONES won't disappear. We will go on forever. Somewhere along the line, I began to think like that. No one said it to us nor did we promise anything between us. But that's the biggest reason why I wasn't worried about debuting.

Then on 28th June 2019, you were informed of the debut in Johnny-san's hospital room, and also the fact that you will announce it on 'Johnny's Jr. 8.8 Festival' on August 8th, wherein a total of 300 Johnny's Jr. will perform.

That place on August 8th felt solemn. That day, on top of our joy, we had to properly tell everyone who attended about our debut. The friends who fought alongside us as Jr, fans who supported them. Of course, our fans are there too, also those whom we regarded as rivals. That announcement was supposed to bring joy for some of us, but also cruelty for the others.

What kind of existence is Snow Man who debuts at the same time as you?

They are our rival, of course, but also completely our comrade. It feels like our only difference is the group.

How did you convey it to the family that had always worried about you?

That day, I called them right away. They casually told me "That's great," I will never forget those words. I can't put it into words, but all my life, thank you for entrusting everything to me. Thank you for letting me live this life with my own choices. I want to tell them thank you for believing in me.

Do you have something you want to say to the members who went through joy and sorrow together with you? First, Kouchi Yugo-kun.

Johnny-san told me "There's a guy who's really compatible with you," and that was Kouchi. Even after the B.I.Shadow's cessation of activities, we keep on being a pair. So from now on, let's be together all along our life.

To Jesse-kun.

From now on too, I'll keep on relying on you. Of course we will work hard too, but you are the face of our group, our center.

To Tanaka Juri-kun.

Juri, our engine starter, you are the strongest. Juri, you are amazing. Have some confidence, okay.

To Morimoto Shintaro-kun.

As the youngest member of this group, you still have things holding you back. But let's go through the years with everyone else and become an adult. Then that gap will feel like nothing.

To Kyomoto Taiga-kun.

… Keep showing me your figure from the back, maybe. More than anyone else, Kyomoto has always been a stimulus for me to have an awareness that we are professionals. Because you're the person who made me think that artists are great. If we are in different businesses, maybe I will be able to tell you honestly that I respect you.

The last question. When did you feel the happiest that SixTONES are these 6 members?

Probably this year's January 7th. During 'TrackONE IMPACT' Yokohama Arena, the last part of double encore, our last stage as Jr., the last moment on that stage. From when our debut was decided, I keep on thinking 'SixTONES is a group that started on May 1st 2015, debuting on January 22nd 2020. But we're not a group that ends one thing and starts something else on our debut.' However, at that double encore, we formed a circle on the stage, met each other's eyes and shouted 'Thank you!' as we cried. We bawled our eyes out to an embarrassing extent. I looked at the members' eyes and thought, "I've been saved by these guys. I'm glad it's the six of us," while my tears keep on flowing. I really love them, that's how I feel from the bottom of my heart.

Doesn't matter if we debuted or not, I believe we will always be together. I’ve been stuck at certain points. Will we be able to stay together forever? When we formed a circle that time, it's not like we confirmed it with words to each other. But I think that was the moment where we promised "let's go on forever with these six members." At that time, I accidentally thought, "Ah, it ended...", even though I had said that a debut is not the end of one thing and the start of something else. It was really fun, and also manyfolds so very difficult. We hurt and helped each other. But no matter when, we will always go full throttle. That day, at that moment, the Jr days ended, and these 6 members will walk on with a new promise in our heart.

#sixtones #translation

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your-brilliant-lady-m · 3 years

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South Korean music industry at a glance: an outsider perspective

I watched one particular AMV last week. The song used for the video was “I’m afraid” by Korean rock band DAY6. I was pleasantly surprised as someone who values lyrics in song first and foremost. The music itself was great. I’ll listen to their songs again. It’s a nice fit for my music taste. Naturally, YouTube’s algorithm decided that I’m a fan of everything Korean after 1 video and started spamming my recommendations with k-pop songs, documentaries and everything in-between.

I watched a couple of videos, listened to some songs and discovered fascinating patterns. So, I went down to the comment section. And it was rather interesting experience, should I say? The concept of entertainment industry in South Korea simply begged to be explored more after this. I dug deeper and visited Tumblr k-pop tags and briefly glanced upon Instagram and Twitter. And, oh...

I am a big picture person and I enjoy both studying and creating systems. This one was particularly fun to explore. I discovered a lot of new things for myself. Perhaps, you can discover something new for yourself too or take a step back and look at this from a new angle.

Disclaimer: it’s impossible not to offend someone on Tumblr, so keep that in mind. That being said, I do NOT intend to insult of offend anyone. It’s just a little research done for fun, because I love research with a purpose. This post is NOT A HATE post. No hate intended for fans, artists or other people involved. It’s meant to be a discussion, nothing more and nothing less. If it sounds like hate, it’s just my sarcastic sense of humour.

Content Warning: I mention suicide, death, depression, rape in a couple of sentences. There’s nothing major or graphic, but it’s there.

In this long post I decided to share with you my opinion, a so-called outsider perspective, on the world of music entertainment industry in South Korea and people involved in it on different levels. I use the word “outsider” mainly because, that’s exactly what I am in this case, as someone who is in no way involved in k-pop community. I can’t name you a single band or their members. I don’t know any solo artist and can’t neither sing nor name you any song.

And to be completely honest, I don’t think I will set my foot into k-pop fan-circles ever again after everything I saw.

Think of this as “In this essay I will...” meme, except there’s an actual essay.

As far as I know, in South Korea “k-pop” refers to all music produced in SK, including solo artists, various bands, singers-songwriters. It doesn’t even have to be pop music. Koreans include in this definition all genres of music. However, around the world “k-pop” means primarily music made by idol groups and bands marketed for children, teenagers and younger people. In this post I use the latter definition, because that’s how most people understand “k-pop” in other countries. Therefore, my statements, opinions and conclusions here would concern only idol music.

The music industry in South Korea is heavily influenced by culture and traditions of the country, just like all things are. And there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, different backgrounds are what makes people so interesting and unique. However, when combined with consumer mindset, desire to generate profit at any cost and fast-paced nature of modern life these neutral cultural elements could produce something concerning, and it can lead to disastrous consequences.

1. Idol

These people are called artists, musicians, singers, bands, groups, performers. In South Korea and in Japan, however, people call them Idols or Stars. I’ve also seen Muses, Princes and Queens. Interesting, isn’t it? The terminology used to describe these musicians in South Korea is one of the key elements in this whole entertainment system. You’ll see why.

But who or what is an idol exactly? Let’s take a basic definition from Wikipedia.

“In the practice of religion, a cult image or devotional image is a human-made object that is venerated or worshipped for the deity, person, spirit or daemon ... that it embodies or represents. In several traditions, including the ancient religions of Egypt, Greece and Rome, and modern Hinduism, cult images in a temple may undergo a daily routine of being washed, dressed, and having food left for them. Processions outside the temple on special feast days are often a feature. Religious images cover a wider range of all types of images made with a religious purpose, subject, or connection. In many contexts "cult image" specifically means the most important image in a temple, kept in an inner space, as opposed to what may be many other images decorating the temple.

The term idol is often synonymous with worship cult image. In cultures where idolatry is not viewed negatively, the word idol is not generally seen as pejorative, such as in Indian English.”

Cambridge Dictionary defines idol as follows:

And here’s the definition from Oxford Dictionary:

This is a centrepiece of this tapestry. Surely, you have noticed by now what these definitions have in common.

Idol = a cult image of a god, a deity

By calling these musicians “idols” industry makes society and audience treat them in certain way, namely as gods. What characteristics do gods possess? They are beautiful, talented, funny, confident and graceful, blessed by eternal youth of immortality. Gods have no flaws, they do not bleed, they are above human concerns. They are an embodiment of perfection. They are stars, you could not reach.

But real people are not like that. They can be sad and angry, insecure. People don’t have perfectly symmetrical faces. They can’t dance in sync without preparation. They can’t sing like angels at any given moment throughout the day.

What happens when idols accidentally reveal their humanity? What happens when people see, that they make mistakes and do stupid things, that they need to train hard to appear graceful on stage?

I will tell you. And it’s not pretty. But, first, let’s look at other elements of this system.

2. Y/N and Self-insert fantasy

Aside from the music, K-pop sells the self-insert fantasy to the audience. It’s carefully arranged to appear real, where the cracks are masked and every word is scripted. The reality is so vivid that one doesn’t even have to use imagination all that much, because all scenarios and decorations already exist. Countless interviews for TV and magazines, fan meetings, talk shows, reality shows made sure people are privy to all juicy details of personal lives and opinions of musicians. And also one word - merchandise. Some of that merch made me question my life choices. Some of it is, ah, creepy or has weird vibes. All of this provides plenty of material for people to work with. Fans can effortlessly imagine themselves beside their idols or even in their place.

In a highly competitive society, where people throw themselves into studying and work since young age, forming deep and lasting connections with others is very hard, sometimes impossible. As a result, people long to have a group of close friends with similar interests, a loving partner who would cherish them endlessly. People want to be rewarded for their backbreaking efforts to succeed by the carefree life of fame and music, everlasting friendships and love. And in a way you can’t really blame them for his.

Does this dream life sound familiar? We are looking at K-pop bands here. It doesn’t really matter if their members don’t always get along or that they can live in debt, that fame is fickle and adoring fans can tear your self-confidence to shreds. Audience wants the glamour of fantasy and the industry is more than happy to cater to these desires.

Perhaps, knowing that even for idols this fantasy is sometimes unattainable makes the whole set up feel just a little cruel.

3. Fans, stans and fandom culture

We’ve already established earlier that idols are gods in the eyes of people and listed traits they must possess. So, what else do gods need to exist? Worshippers. Because a cult is worth nothing without its followers. Gods need a group of people to worship them and spread their beliefs. The role of worshippers is performed by a fans in this case.

Apparently, there is a running joke that girl groups need to win a general public popularity and boy bands need a big passionate fandom. It seems to be true according to my observations.

In k-pop fandom people use the word “stan” to state that they like or support particular group. Now, I am sure everyone here knows that in other fandoms, dedicated to movies, shows, books and games there’s an important distinction between being a “fan” and a “stan”. What is it?

A fan is someone who likes a ship or character, creates and/or consumes fandom content, supports certain ideas, discusses things they enjoyed and disliked, criticises canon. Stans, however, are a different breed. They engage in all typical fandom activities, but their support and enjoyment becomes obsession. Stans believe their favourite characters and ships are immune to criticism, that they are superior no matter what others say. Stans start shipping wars, send anon hate, death threats over fictional characters and hurt real people. Stans are considered toxic fans. And majority of normal civilised people don’t like them and try their best to let stans hang out in their echo chamber by themselves.

In other fandoms and communities, to be a fan means to love, support and enjoy something, while to stan means to obsess over and hyperfixate on these same things. Words “I stan” rarely mean “I support” for most people, and if they do mean that, it’s only used in a joking manner (”We stan procrastination legend!”, “I stan our miscommunication kings”).

Everywhere else “stan” has only negative connotations, except in k-pop. But what has changed? What’s the difference? Why do international fans scoff at “shipper stans” and then turn around calling themselves “stans of X k-pop group” at the same time? Does it make you wonder?

And this is another core theme of k-pop, in my opinion. In fandom where stan = obsession = support, you can see interesting patterns.

Fandom loves their flawless gods. But watching them from afar is not enough for some people, because unlike deities in different religions, these gods live among us. People are very much aware of that. Industry has created a cult and laid the groundwork for worshippers to express their adoration in every way including personal contact. And who wouldn’t want to meet their god? Who wouldn’t want to know more about them or tell them how much you love them? In talk shows and fan meetings there is only so much one can do after all.

People desire to know more, to have more so much that their obsession transforms into concerning stalker tendencies. These crazy individuals follow idols, stalk them on social media, in hotels, research flight numbers, bribe security. Musicians were attacked and poisoned. I strongly suspect there were cases of rape that no one knows about. There is even a special term for these fans - “sasaeng”.

Is there a definition for stalkers of actors or musicians in western world? No, I’m pretty sure there isn’t. They are just called “invasive/obsessive fans” or “stalkers”.

Also, there are sasaeng memes. Yeah, you heard that right. I enjoy some classy dark humour as much as the next person, but there is a fine line between normal and questionable.

Back to the topic of stalkers. Do you realise how disturbing that is? Such behaviour is so common that there is a term for it. You create a fandom-cult, encourage people to worship k-pop idols as gods and then act surprised when members of said cult become fanatics and their adoration becomes obsession.

And it’s so easy to step on this slippery road. The system makes it ridiculously easy. Lines begin to blur. How much is too much? Where do you draw the line?

While sasaeng fans engage in extreme real-life obsession, people online aren’t that far off, to be honest. I’ve seen it all: imagines, headcanons, fanfiction, real-person shipping, reactions. Real person shipping is a controversial topic. Some people support it, others don’t. I suppose I’m among those who don’t get it. I’m not exactly against it, but I find it strange. Mainly because it’s based on assumptions made by fans about personalities and behaviour of real people.

Assumptions. Dear me! K-pop fandom has this thing with video compilations. I’ve never seen this phenomenon being so widespread in any other community or fandom. Basically people edit together a collection of short clips from talk-shows, interviews, Instagram stories, some YouTube videos, etc and then proceed to analyse every gesture, word, facial expression of idols and provide both audio and on-screen commentary. These videos and many other forms of similar analysis allow people to imagine what kind of personalities idols have, what kind of life do they live. It’s the source material for fanfiction, imagines and headcanons.

But it’s not real. It’ll never be real. It’s an illusion, an image, a stage persona. They fall in love with a face and made up personality. And I think that when people create this content they can forget this. Fans can develop certain emotional dependence and unhealthy attitudes in the long run. In some YouTube comments even supportive and encouraging words sound whiny and obsessive. And semantics of being a “stan” of certain group or individual doesn’t help.

4. Industry, companies and liars

At last we arrive at the most important aspect of music entertainment industry - its creators.

Have you seen “The Road to El Dorado”? It’s one of my all time favourites. It has iconic characters, adult jokes that I didn’t get as a child and iconic soundtrack. I’ll quote “It’s Tough To Be A God” a lot here.

In South Korea music industry is a factory, the production line to be exact. This kind of set up affects everything in the grand scheme of things. Companies and agencies play the role of training centres and record labels. And there are so many of them that a whole new scamming system developed based around fake idol agencies. It implies that there are people who fall for offers of these agencies and continue to do so. I suspect that victims must pay a fortune upfront before they realise their mistake. Are there any kind of legal protection against such scams? How can people verify the authenticity? Because a well masked scam can exist for a long time before someone discovers it and calls them out on their nonsense.

As far as I understand legal companies work like this. After high school, which is often focused on performing arts (and private schools can get away with using talents of students for personal gain, which is totally not surprising), young people can audition for an agency and become an idol in training or idol-trainee. And passing audition is hard. But good recommendations can help, connections too.

During training you don’t get paid. Only a few companies pay aspiring musicians. People can spend years in training and don’t debut. But rent, necessities, clothing and food (not that you need much of it, but more on that later) cost a lot. Where do you get the money to live then? Support from parents, one or two part time jobs at most and bank loans. Surprise! We found an unexpected (just kidding, it’s very obvious) party, who reaps benefits from the system.

You need skill to be an idol. Natural talent helps too. The more skills you have, the cheaper and faster your training is. To level up your game you attend classes every month offered by your agency, which are not cheap (dance classes range from 400$ to 1000$ per month, sometimes more). There are four main categories in evaluation process: vocals, rapping, dancing and visuals. Idols are multitaskers, to have a chance on stage one must be perfect at everything. And people are ready to invest thousands of dollars into their kids training so that they could have a chance in entertainment industry. South Korea thrives on revenue k-pop industry generates every day.

Let’s pause here for a second and think about what kind of people come to these agencies. The answer is easy. People who have a dream, a desire, a real goal. You don’t wake up one day and decide to become a k-pop idol. Sometimes people get invited by agencies (after prior acting, modelling career or any other form of exposure). These people are usually very young. Some start straight after high school, some after university, but 25 years old is considered a late start. Compare that to western musicians who start singing at any age and still become famous.

But why this age limit? Because idols are eternally young. So that in public eye musicians are remembered as 20 year old gods. People would listen to their music and imagine a young attractive face. Career in k-pop is short, it lasts 5-7 years, rarely longer than that. It’s even less than modelling or acting can offer. And professional sportsmen retire in their late 30′s. Some play longer, but usually, that’s it.

If you live in Los Angeles and say that you want to be an actor or performer, no one would bat an eye. It’s like saying that you want to be an engineer or accountant. Similarly, in South Korea becoming an k-pop musician is a real career. Because part of the self insert fantasy that the industry sells is the idea that anyone can be an idol. It’s easy after all. Anyone can pass auditions and become a trainee. A trainee with no guarantee of debut. But one should never underestimate the power of idol-dream. After all, idea is the most resilient parasite.

“My friends started training in kindergarten. They have wanted to become idols since young”

“A lot of young kids get interested in Korean music”

A 6-year old child sees the performance of k-pop group for the first time on TV. Let’s say it’s a girl. She is enraptured and decides that she will be like that too someday. She grows up, while being part of the fandom, just like all idols are in one way or another and whose fan-obsession transforms into desire to succeed. Her parents spend time and money to find her tutors, to fund dancing and singing classes. Perhaps in high school this girl decides to fix the shape of her eyes and make nose straighter. She trains hard and passes the auditions in her dream agency. And during training this girl faces the reality of behind the scenes life in music industry.

“Why are you crying? I’m not even pushing you”

“How many times have I told you? The rest are doing it perfectly”

“She is dancing like an elementary school student“

“I watched your performance as a spectator who bought a ticket to your concert. I want a refund“

“You make my ears hurt. I don’t want to listen at all”

“Listening to you was tiring”

“I’ll kick you out instead. You won’t debut”

“I thought I was going to die. That’s how determined I was”

While I do understand that keeping a high quality standards in media industry is important, there are more productive and healthy ways to motivate someone to improve and be more passionate, you know? Constantly insulting people with sadistic glee and putting them down at every opportunity or calling them ugly to their face doesn’t do much.

Do you think that children know about this? Do they know about soulless teachers and belittling managers? Do they know about friends who are really your competition, so you shouldn’t get attached? Do they know about living in debt? Do they know any of this? No, I don’t think they do.

Children dream about the stage, about the sea of lights and crowds who chant your names. They want adoring fans and photoshoots. They want to appear on TV and magazine covers. Teenagers want the thrill of performance, they want to share their music and dancing with others.

“I don’t know how many times I cried alone”

The truth is cruel. But they won’t give up easily even if it means sleeping 4-5 hours and consuming no more than 500 calories per day. Because giving up means that your whole life was a lie. One can’t afford not to be good enough. Giving up means admitting that all efforts and money your family invested into your dream were in vain. It means losing face before your family and friends - a fate worse than death. Imagine living this idol dream and building your whole future around it and then being told that you’ll never debut because of the circumstances outside of your control or something minor, like face shape or 1 kg of weight that your body refuses to lose. It can break you. Especially if you are like 18 or something.

5. “And who am I to bridle if I'm forced to be an idol If they say that I'm a God, that's what I am”

“I don’t think there’s anything a tough as being a trainee in Korea”

Once you are a trainee at the agency your personal life does not belong to you anymore. You can’t go out without permission of the agency. You phone is taken away. Your diet and weight are monitored. Bad habits are not allowed (no smoking, drinking or drugs). Oh! I think I found the good thing in the system! Unfortunately, it won’t last. Trainees can’t date or meet with family without permission of agency. Dating is very taboo. Even established idols can’t openly date.

Why is that? Because gods can’t belong to anyone. Their lives are property of the fandom. Because openly dating idols destroy the self-insert fantasy. There was a former idol girl who dated another musician. She was called a whore by her fans, her loving and adoring stans. You might know who I am talking about. Would you call an American actor or singer a prostitute for dating someone?

Trainees sign the contract. And how can a young person straight out of school or university know much about what makes a good contract in entertainment industry or what makes a good contract in general? Even if you do understand the terms fully you would still sign it because if you have come so far, you can’t let your dream slip this easily. There isn’t a choice. Not really. If you want to debut, you will agree to anything.

What about life after debut? You have to pay off your loans. And company takes 60-70% of your group’s earnings. Artists themselves get 30-40% and split it between themselves. K-pop groups have from 5 to 10 members or more than that. Each person gets less than 6%. Idols are not filthy rich. They are not. These earnings are practically nothing compared to the work you have put into this.

Idols are musicians, who often don’t even write their own songs, music or create choreography. But if public doesn’t like the song and musical number the company created, they blame idols for the failure. Such an amazing logic we see right here. But people say that sharing music is the best part of idol life. But whose music?

Models on catwalk are not there to demonstrate their physical beauty, they are blank canvas for works of clothing designers. Same with k-pop musicians. They act like puppets in a way, whose faces and voices are used to show audience someone’s music and songs. Some groups do write their own music and lyrics and it’s nice to know that. But those, who don’t are rather unfortunate. It’s a nice tool of psychological control and pressure for an agency. They can hold it over group and use the following rhetoric: “We gave you everything! Why can’t you follow the simple instructions” or “Where would you be without us? It’s not even your music!”

I called k-pop industry a factory. That’s true. Dozens of people become trainees every year. These talented young people are fully prepared to do anything to achieve their goal. They are ready to practice until they collapse, starve themselves and pour themselves into every song. Companies know that. Tell me why would they value their idols as individuals, as people, as human beings if they always have a replacement? Why bother with mental health of their artists if next year they could have a fresh set of people, who are younger and prettier? Why try to improve relationships inside groups if you could fire any member and replace them within a month or two?

In western countries famous bands have different stories. Some were friends since high school, who played in bars and during festivals and then they were noticed by some representative of label company, who offered them a contract. Some groups were formed by like-minded people who bonded and decided to share their music with the world. There are many stories, but ultimately the have one thing in common. Bands in the West often form themselves. These people had time to bond, connect, discover each other, solve some disagreements and learn to work around their differences.

K-pop groups are formed by their agencies. They are their property in a way. Company selects the best and puts together these total strangers, appoints the leader with marketable face and personality and then expects them to work together like a well-oiled machine. No one has time to bond during training, because other people are you competition, not friends. And then you must learn to work as a team and be best friends on camera for the audience to support the self-insert fantasy. It’s no wonder that k-pop groups don’t get along sometimes. And every member knows that they are replaceable. It doesn’t help in forming connections. Groups can’t just terminate contract and go to work with another agency. I heard it happens sometimes, but it’s not a done thing. Unlike in other countries where bands just sign the deal with a different label and release their music under their name if they don’t like the old conditions.

“It's tough to be a God But if you get the people's nod Count your blessings, keep them sweet, that's our advice Be a symbol of perfection Be a legend, be a cult Take their praise, take a collection As the multitudes exalt Don a supernatural habit We'd be crazy not to grab it So sign up two new Gods for paradise”

But is it really a paradise?

Idols are expected to act cute, to match personalities created for them by fans or media. They have to act according to the concept of their group. They have to be a symbol of perfection: skinny, single and with a face perfected by surgery. They are allowed to mess up, but only in a cute way. They can break down and cry, but only if it’s “aesthetic”.

Weight issues are a separate topic. Sometimes I wonder whether managers in companies understand how weight loss or human body in general works. To be honest, I think that scales in agencies are rigged. And only managers know that. I know it can be done from personal experience. Some beach resorts tweak their scales and make them show 4-6 kg less than actual weight, so people wouldn’t get upset if they gain some. There is no way a girl as tall as I am (173 cm) could weigh like 47-50 kg and be able to perform complex choreography on stage and sing without being out of breath, visit the gym on a regular basis and generally function as a normal human without fainting every other day.

“I developed a lot of eating disorders”

“I think I consumed about 300 calories today“

“Someone, please, trim the fat off her arms”

If you grow up thinking of idols as gods and then, when you become one of them you think that you must act as one too. But being an easily replaceable god is a heavy burden. The industry, companies and audience want you to be perfect, to always be on your best behaviour. And the thought of not being good enough or divine enough terrifies you, because stans have no mercy (black ocean concept is the most stupid thing ever by the way). This kind of pressure can destroy even the most resilient. And it does.

Almost everyone knows that situation with mental health in South Korea is not the best to put it lightly. In many ways it’s a cultural thing. But in k-pop mental health issues are treated with even less care. Gods are not supposed to be depressed or suicidal. They are not supposed to have fears or insecurities, can’t be upset or angry. They try hard to be this deity, this image. So, even when they realise they need professional help or even a friend to talk to, they either won’t seek said help or reach out only to be met with silence. Some agencies disapprove or forbid therapy altogether.

Sometimes fandom becomes self-aware.

“Don’t forget that idols are people too!”

“Your favourite idols are running out of breath just to keep you entertained“

“They are humans, who have feelings!”

Oh, but here’s the thing, my friend. The industry doesn’t want you to think of them as people. Companies and media repeatedly reinforce the idea that they are not people, they are your idols. And strangely enough, the audience supports this idea. People continue to call them idols, developing worshiping tendencies in the process, imitate them, scrutinise their flaws and triumphs. Because, you know, only “real and ordinary humans” can have flaws, not “idols”.

So people who say “they are human too” and people who say “wow, this concert was amazing, but vocals in the beginning were so off-key, I simply can’t” are one and the same.

This thought process would have been funny if it wasn’t so disappointing. But that’s just my observation.

And here’s another thing about sexualisation. I said before how appearances are everything, marketable face and body could drastically improve your chances to succeed. Companies know about this too and concepts and aesthetics of groups are designed accordingly. Girls are dressed in skimpy outfits, their dances are unnecessary suggestive, they wear heavy make up and try to have “mature” vibes. Boys don’t avoid such objectification either: suits, tight pants and dress shirts along with make up and hairstyle to give audience a promise of the things to come. Grown adults are not supposed to lust after 15-17 year olds. You can’t just create a sexy stage persona for teenagers. Do you remember my earlier words about creepy merch? Yeah. All of it neatly plays into the self-insert fantasy and encourages obsessive behaviour.

This happens in western countries too. In some way that’s understandable. Beautiful and sexy image with a hint of innocence attracts more people and sells, because it caters to one of the base human instincts. But some things make your skin crawl.

Sponsorships are another topic. Some k-pop bands seek out sponsors to provide financial aid and cover expenses, when earnings are not enough. Sometimes these sponsorships are fine, perfectly civil. But sometimes it’s a prostitution. Girl groups receive money and provide sexual favours to their patrons. It’s a way for the group to gain financial support and even find new opportunities in the industry. Companies can encourage such deals. Let that sink in for a moment.

6. “Any advice to those who want to become a k-pop idol?”

A lot of former idols and trainees have similar responses to this question.

“I don’t want to discourage anyone, but think twice”

“You only see the glamorous side, but don’t see all the hard work that goes into it”

“It’s not what you think”

“They think ‘Since I am good looking and can sing and dance really well, maybe I should become an idol?’, but there is much more to it“

“They think it’s something that is easy and will keep their family set for life financially”

And this implies that most people don’t know what kind of lifestyle k-pop stars truly have, despite the amount of information available online about “behind the scenes” proceedings.

7. Moving on

I am a practical person and every decision I make is subjected to scrutiny. And after seeing everything I can't help but wonder whether idols believe it's truly worth it. What keeps the industry alive is the idol-dream, the wilful ignorance of its reality and youthful idealism, the beautiful naïve belief that it'll get better, even if it never does in the end.

Sure no one would ever admit it out loud, because it's one of those things you never say on camera, no matter how sincere you have to be. It's the matter of professionalism after all, and idols have it spades. And also, because admitting this would equal admitting that you spent your best years doing something you both loved and hated, admitting that this was a mistake.

When you grow up in a society where appearances matter the most, where saving face and being polite is more important than staying true to yourself, where individuality is tolerated only to a certain point, it takes a lot of courage to admit that you need a break. I greatly respect those who decided that idol lifestyle is not for them and moved on.

8. Conclusion

To sum up, I hope you enjoyed my small research and this perspective, since you have read it all the way to the end.

You have noticed that entertainment industry is an intricate system and its every component makes sure nothing changes. Companies have power over idols and audience, fandom has power over idols and their careers, and musicians themselves have fame and their music, but not always the promised fortune or happiness.

It’s important to understand the big picture to draw your own conclusions and encourage positive and heathy attitudes in fandoms. Being open minded and allowing people to make mistakes and live their lives the way they want to is a part of being a decent person. People don’t owe anything to others. Art is about sharing your thoughts and feelings, promoting ideas and spreading beauty. It’s not always about money. And I think that this is what k-pop lacks as an industry. It turned dreams and human need for self-expression into business. Here everything is turned into a product. Everything idols touch can be sold, sometimes literally. Industry created problems, which can’t be solved anymore, because doing so would topple the system. And I find it tragic. Trapped in an endless chase after perfection creators of k-pop forgot that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.

If you take a look at comment sections and posts on different platforms, what will you see? What kind of things resonate with audience? What makes people laugh and cry? When people start to appreciate the substance?

“Everyone needs to hear this song in their darkest moments”

“Thank you for your music!”

“They always deliver! These guys can’t make a bad song!”

“It inspired me to write again!”

“Their songs brought me and my sister together once again”

“This is what happens when you let groups write their own music - they make incredible things”

“They really are legends of k-pop! I love that they are not afraid to show their inner strength”

“Stay strong! You rock!”

I believe that the answer is quite simple: when it’s real, sincere. It’s all about the message you choose to send to your audience, because only superficial things cause obsession. When you say that the sparkly façade is all that matters, then that’s the only thing people will ever care about. Your audience will never give a damn about the meaning behind dancing, music or lyrics, if you tell them that performance is more important. No one would praise WHAT k-pop idols sing, instead they would prefer wasting breath to criticize HOW they sing or look or move.

I dare the k-pop industry to prove people that it’s not just about looks or perfection, or laser shows, or being a branding machine. Prove to your fans that k-pop artists are also passionate people with big dreams and talent, who love every moment of their job, who live and inspire, who are human just like us and whose humanity is real!

Do it, you cowards!

And now, I’m finished. I can hear the raging crowd of k-pop fandom in the distance, which means it’s time to hide. See you some other time!

#k-pop #korean music #k-rock #k-pop idol #k-pop meta #k-pop discussion #k-pop fandom criticism

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blastoisemonster · 3 years

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Chou Gals! Kotobuki Ran This other anime differs heaps from yesterday's subject matter, and quite some backstory is in order if I want to explain its context properly. So Gals! is an anime none of my usual friends knew about. Hell even after years later I never met anyone who ever watched it. >.> Before looking for further info online I was starting to think it was a fever dream of mine. The reason for this huge unpopularity is because it used to air on our second channel in the early afternoon, while most kids either were doing homeworks or instead opting for the much more popular cartoon blocks proposed by the third or fourth channels. No one watched the second, therefore what was shown went completely under the radar, even content-wise, despite everything being translated into italian. Quite infact, the reason why I kept remembering this anime all these years was because it had ganguro characters (which I already knew what they were thanks to Jynx's origins, har har) and the protagonist made it a running joke to comment about their tanned skin... which even then, and in context, made me say "whoa dude, you're crossing a line". And yet it all went on national television. Let's take a few steps backwards. GALS! or "Gyaruzu!" is a shojo manga by Mihona Fujii originally serialized by the magazine Ribon ftom 1998 to 2002. It is a romanticized, at times too much comedic, but still interestingly precise chronicle on a social phenomenon that interested female (and at times even male) japanese teenagers during the second half of the 90s and well into the whole 00s: the various gyaru subcultures. Japanese gyarus (or kogals, but really they have many other names depending on their subgenre) were teens promoting fashion and lifestyle trends that heavily clashed with the previous decades, often resulting over the top or controversial. Supposedly inspired by an idealized version of american teenage life seen in movies and TV series, gals' main statements included dying their hair in vivid colours (or blonde, usually) making use of heavy, flashy-coloured make up, and living a life of constant fun and games usually in the entertaining districts of Shibuya and Ikebukuro. While seemingly harmless for the western culture (they will appear as simply fun-loving teens to most), most japanese adults were concerned by the trend, fearing that it would drift young adults away from the prospects of adulthood such as a work career or marriage. There's a lot of peculiarities in the gals subculture, ranging from their subgenres to their activities, fashions, and places, all enriched with unique, specific terms and a rich slang. Chou Gals showed it all, alternating the wacky adventures of protagonist Ran Kotobuki (self proclaimed number one gal of Shibuya) with interesting skits of reality, such as their street-life often entertwining with gang clashes and fights (Miyu, one of the co-protagonists, is shown to have a turbulent past as a street urchin), the conflict between gals and strict parents, the difficulty of getting part-time jobs due to negative prejudices against such demographics, and the subsequent choice of prostitution (seen as a disgrace in the gals subculture, but still sadly a popular phenomenon) in order to get further funds to spend into fashion objects or entertaining; in the very first episode, infact, Ran manages to convince Aya (the second and last co-protagonist) against resorting to the enjo kosai, therefore avoiding unpleasant encounters. The comic became one of the greatest manifestos for the gyaru subculture, so an anime adaptation was in order. 52 episodes aired on TV Tokyo from 2001 to 2002, and the following two Game Boy Color titles in these years were a natural consequence. In Italy, the manga got surprisingly translated in its entirety with all 10 volumes made available by Dynamic; the anime was a bit unlucky instead, with the translation only abruptly stopping at the 26th episode. However it must be said that the localization work was miracolously respecting of the original subject matter, filling in further explanation for some aspects of the subculture and even deciding to leave some terms in japanese, further tempting viewers to do actual research. The peculiar subject along with the thorough explanations, not to mention that finally a series was talking about a real life phenomenon instead of being centered on fictional fantasies, absolutely captured me and still finds me interested. I only caught a handful of episodes during their original broadcast but with Internet now readily available I managed to recently watch all italian episodes first and then the missing ones, subbed. Seems obvious that the reason for the translation's abrupt end was lack of proper audience and not censorship or poor localization effort. The gyaru subculture had already started showing decline at the end of the 00s and despite a manga sequel published in 2019, I'm pretty sure the trend has completely dwindled nowadays. Still I wonder if it ever had some kind of impact in western countries. As a teen, spending time having fun in one's own city downtown, buying cheap accessories, filling our notebooks and flip phones with stickers, and experimenting with different styles of fashion, hairdo and make up were normally accepted standards, so the idea of all this being controversial or viewed by adults as taboo didn't exist. Gals truly opened a window on another side of the planet, showing how our life would've been in the land of Nippon. Look at how much I have blabbed. Games' review tomorrow!

#Photography

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astroismypassion · 4 years

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Hi I'm the June 17th birthday. I couldn't respond to your message on Kofi but I am totally fine with you putting my reading on your blog. Thank you for doing your best to work around the messages issue!

Hi!

Thank you for buying me this delicious hot beverage. I drank irish cream black coffee with rice milk while writing your interpretation. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I did writing! I listened to some old George Ezra while writing. ;)

Your dominant planets are: 1. Sun, 2. Jupiter and 3. Pluto. Your dominant signs are: 1. Scorpio, 2. Gemini and 3. Leo. Your main mode is Fixed. You are Water dominant.

FAMILY, SIBLINGS, EARLY LIFE

You have Aquarius IC. You had an unconventional, unique upbringing. Your 4th house is in Aquarius and Pisces. You like to play on your own. Or you created an imaginary world for yourself. Or you could have escaped through music, arts, TV series or film. You were sheltered from what was really going on around you. You might have a hard time establishing healthy boundaries with your family members. They seem to completely merge with you and rely on you emotionally or be completely cold and detached. There were many traditions and superstitions in your family that might have been passed down through generations. If you have any siblings, they are Capricorn, Aquarius or Pisces. In your elementary and high school years you might have been drawing a lot during classes you didn’t find stimulating. Or you daydream often. You were a mature and responsible student. You seemed a lot older than your peers. You might have viewed your schoolmates as weird sometimes, but they viewed you the same back. You might have often asked yourself if you’re the “weird one” or they are. You have Uranus in the 4th house. You may have changed residence or moved around often, even change schools. There were a lot of unpredictable, sudden changes and events in your early life that were hard to control (and to grasp). You have Sun square Moon. Your mother and father have different personalities and traits. They did not agree on the parenting style, how to raise you. They might have had different views. You have Sun conjunct Mercury. Your father emphasized the importance of communication or that you keep good relations with your siblings. This is also a writer’s placements! You can flatter or cut deep with words. You know how to appeal through words and find exactly the right words. You can sometimes think you “feel” words, because some words would be funny to you or have a “weird” sound to it. You might visualize a lot in your mind. Words, think in imagery and pictures and you have a strong, vivid imagination. You have Sun conjunct Mars. He probably met your open emotional expression with resistance.

PARTNERSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS Your friends are Pisces, Aries, Cancer, Sagittarius, Libra and Virgo. In your romantic relationships you attract Taurus, Gemini, Leo, Virgo and Aries. You have Taurus Venus in the 7th house. You desire, respect and value (also attract) stable, loyal, stubborn, highly opinionated people. Those who like to debate with you. People that have “go to” phrases and are polite, kind, have good manners. You might easily sense fragile egos, self esteem and weak points of other people. You have Gemini Mars in the 8th house. This is how you take action. How you approach your crush. You like to play mind games a bit, use a bit of world play and double entendre. You like to know everything about them and how their mind works. You wonder how they are thinking, what their thought process is. You like to have shared learning experiences with potential partners or dates where you go to an escape room or take a cooking class together and learn a new skill. You like to constantly evolve, expand and regenerate. You need a mental connection and great mental rapport to introduce physical intimacy into a relationship. You have Aries Moon in the 5th house. You have the potential of a serial dater. You need some passion, excitement and playful energy to get the connection started. But even in the early stages of your love affairs, you need a great deal of emotional comfort. You have to feel safe and secure around the person, like they are your family already. You know what you like and you might cut off people instantly when you notice red flags or just something that you don’t like. You know you can’t save people, so you understand the person needs to help themselves first. Otherwise, they would become another one of your problems. You have Venus sextile Jupiter. You might be very generous when you’re in love. You like to spoil your partner and take them out for dinner often. You might be over generous or over loving. With you money, time, affection, attention, praise and compliments. You have Venus square Uranus. You might like some odd, quirky, hard to figure of people. You are fascinated by those. You might have a long distance relationship at some point. Or you could date your friends or online date. You might even have a platonic connection with someone before it being romantic. You have Venus trine Neptune. You might idealize your partner or they do that to you. You might view them through rose tinted glasses. You are attracted to musicians, artists, singers, creators and people who play instruments.

CAREER, PROFESSIONAL LIFE, PUBLIC IMAGE

You have Pluto in the 2nd house. You fear poverty, homelessness and being hungry. You are very private when it comes to your financial matters. You don’t discuss it openly or ever. It’s a weird topic for you. Sometimes you fear it, it’s like you’re scared of what it can do. You are very passionate about gaining financial stability. Sometimes your dreams scare you or you might think “too big” or see just the bigger picture and forget to focus on the now as well. You have Sagittarius and Capricorn over your 2nd house. You might be over indulgent and flashy when you have money to spend. But with Capricorn there you also work hard for it. You have Leo MC. You might gain recognition for your accomplishments. You could also be attracted to film, theatre, drama, modelling. Or politics, governmental jobs, administration. Even publishing, media, public relations and public affairs. You could be a representative for a company. You might like to post on your social media. But you perfect your image, caption and you check for grammar errors. You like to be seen as creative, funny, healthy, bright and hard working. You have Virgo North Node in the 10th house. This indicates your life purpose. In this lifetime you are called to organise, to establish healthy boundaries with others, routine, daily habits. To take care of your daily duties, responsibilities, your health and even your pets if you have any. If you don’t. You’d benefit from owning a pet greatly, so that it calms down your Virgo mental restlessness. You could work in accounting, counselling, therapy, even health fields, such as nutrition, dietetics, nursing etc. You could be interested in physical and mental wellbeing. You could be into fitness and wellness. You might like communication, publishing, bookkeeping or even library work. You could use your keen eye for details. You have Leo and Virgo over your 10th house. You will shine and be in the spotlight, yet you’ll have to learn humility as well. Sometimes you might feel underappreciated or undervalued by authority figures, such as your parents, mentors, teachers, bosses. You might feel like you are putting much more effort in your responsibilities and work than you get credit for it. You have Aries and Taurus over the 6th house. This means you like a stable job, because it means stable income (Taurus in the 6th, Capricorn in the 2nd). But at some point in your life, you might desire to be your own boss, be self employed or become a businessperson, since it gives you the freedom of expression, expansion you value (Aries in the 6th house, Sagittarius in the 2nd house). You might even do something athletic or sporty daily or even as a part of your job! You have Cancer Mercury in the 8th house. You need to communicate a lot with your intimate partners. You like to think about your family, siblings, your home, your comforts and safety. You like talking about deep, occult and taboo topics. You might entertain the idea of conspiracy theories as well. You have an excellent memory. You can remember scents, colours, how people made you feel like no other. You have a long term memory. You have Mercury square Jupiter. Sometimes you might be a bit judgemental or be prone to overthinking and overanalyzing. You might also read between the lines. You have Mercury sextile Saturn. You have great power and focus to concentrate for long periods of time when you have a tunnel vision.

ADDITIONAL OBSERVATIONS

You have Pluto, Jupiter and Saturn currently transiting your 3rd house. You might spend more time alone and less with your friends, siblings and family members. You might have to work hard daily or commute to another city for work or just travel daily to a different part of the city. You might reevaluate and reconsider, rethink and transform your attitude to the local community, neighbourhood, city, to your siblings, peers, schoolmates. You might meet some new people, some new friends too, when Jupiter enters the scene since it’s a one and a half to two years long transit. You have Scorpio Chiron in the 1st house. You might not like your own name, or there is a visible spot, mark on your face, body that you don’t like. Or you could have been picked on by others for that. You might not like your physical appearance and you’re self conscious about it. You often nit pick it. At some point in life you might have had an identity crisis or just really doubted your personality, ego, self worth, character and traits. You might have been bullied or the power was taken away from you. You often felt powerless. Or scared of your own potential and power. You have Taurus Ceres in the 7th house. This represents how you wish to be nurtured and how you nurture others. You like to cook for them, buy them food, share meals with them and buy them little gifts. You like to listen to them. You might be a therapist for many. I’m sure you received compliments as “you’d be an excellent therapist”. You might empathize with them and really try to understand the other’s perspective and where they are coming from. You like to put yourself in others' shoes. You have Virgo Juno in the 11th house. This indicted your “ideal soulmate”, ideal partner, be it platonic or romantic. You like someone friendly, intelligent, who isn’t afraid to discuss social issues, society and question it all. You like someone who is clean, smells nice and grooms themselves. You like platonic, friendly connections at first. You need a lot of mental simulation. You have Libra Lilith in the 12th house. You might have been accused that you lack ambition. But you just don’t like competition that much or participation in the rat race. You value the inner core and being. You have rich inner workings. You have Leo Part of Fortune in the 9th house. This is where you experience good luck and charm. You might be praised for your views, beliefs, opinions on life. How you choose to constantly expand your horizons. You are at your happiest when you travel, even when you get lost in a good book, TV series or a foreign film. You like to constantly learn something new and you’ll be a life long student.

CHART RULER

Your chart ruler is Pluto. The chart ruler of the 1st house is in the 2nd house. Your ego is directly tied to your self worth, financial status, your talents. You might develop your personality, character, ego, self esteem through 2nd house topics, such as working on your talents and pursuing new skills, earning money and becoming financially independent, self care and developing your own set of values.

HOUSE RULERS

The house ruler of the 1st house is in the 2nd house. The way you look depends on your self-esteem. Life is oriented to discovering personal values and creating self-esteem. Appearance is a source of security issues. The house ruler of the 2nd house is in the 5th house. You use your money for artistic projects. You are possessive of creative projects. Financial security depends upon your personal creativity. The house ruler of the 3rd house is in the 6th house. Daily conversation revolves around work and health. Your mind is oriented to daily life. Thoughts are oriented to daily routine and work. You are curious about diet and nutrition. You have an efficient mind. You take information and organize it. You have an actively curious mind. The house ruler of the 4th house is in the 4th house. You want a home of your own. Private time is spent with family. Home and family bring up strong core feelings, for better or worse. You want a family for the sake of having a family. The house ruler of the 5th house is in the 3rd house. Creative talents and gifts are hidden. Hobbies revolve around the taboo or occult. The house ruler of the 6th house is in the 8th house. The daily work environment must serve your need to form deep relationships. You use your knowledge of diet, nutrition and exercise to help other people transform. You want an intense work environment. The house ruler of the 7th house is in the 7th house. The partner needs to be willing negotiate and cooperate with you. Marriage partners are business partners, business partners are marriage partners. You want to be with someone who is cooperative. You want a partner who is a good negotiator. The house ruler of the 8th house is in the 8th house. You enter sexual relationships for sex. You get emotionally entangled with other people to form deep connections. Your attitude to life and death affects your ability to deeply connect with other people. The house ruler of the 9th house is in the 5th house. You are philosophical about the way you raise children. You find meaning through the creative arts. You like to take romantic getaways. You enjoy the artistic expression of other cultures. Traveling is for leisure and pleasure. The house ruler of the 10th house is in the 8th house. You bring a professional approach to depth psychology. You find your true vocation by exploring occult subjects. Your career revolves around the need for intensity of experience. Your career involves working with other people’s emotional baggage. Your true vocation involves depth interactions with other people. You achieve recognition as a researcher. You receive awards for your work with people on the fringe of society. The house ruler of the 11th house is in the 8th house. You associate with people who are involved in the occult. Your friends have emotional baggage. You keep your group involvements hidden. You don’t talk about your long term hopes and wishes. The house ruler of the 12th house is in the 7th house. Your partner desires to escape from reality as much as you do. You lose your boundaries when it comes to significant relationships. Your grief and sorrow affect your relationships. The desire to escape reality affects your ability to maintain a serious relationship.

#astrology #astro chart #natal chart #birth chart #chart reading #chart interpretation

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