girl help i gotta present my project proposal in like 20 hrs and i dont even have a topic yet

A Response to a Feyre Anti

I made a post recently explaining the dread of having to watch Feyre be abused by her sisters and father, in the Tv adaption. And a Feyre anti made a response, to something that should not be criticized at all considering what I said was just the truth? Feyre was abused. Not only that but they went on and completely twisted the narrative to fit their own ideas and in the process made Feyre out to be cruel and Nesta a saint. complete bull.

I will not be tagging the anti bc they have me blocked (shocker), but also I do not want anyone to go after them, if you come across the post, I don't want it to be through me. it's as much respect I can give to them.

I usually do not respond to those who have something to say with a post of mine or are blatantly talking about me on their blog, unless they're just spreading absolute lies about me or what i "said", it's usually a waste of time to do so. but this post attacked Feyre with outrageous lies and a complete backward interpretation of what actually happened in acotar, so as respectful as I can be, I will be analyzing the anti-response and what truly happened in acotar.

"the audience will only see two sisters fighting-not abuse" "it’s not Nesta you need to worry about. It’s audiences calling Feyre a big dumbass and a bitch" -from anti

if the audience has basic human compassion and empathy for humans IRL or fictional, they will see what's obvious from the start. Feyres abuse. how is it going to look, when they see Feyre walking through the woods, shaking from the cold, starving from hunger, and struggling to find food for her family? only to later see Nesta's treatment of Feyre?"

in the anti's post, they said Feyre was just as "heinous" to Nesta.

is Feyre the one calling Nesta a pig? a smelly pig? ordering her to take her clothes off?

no, it's not, it's dear Nesta. the text goes as "I took my time, swallowing the words I wanted to bark at her" oh yes... how cruel of Feyre. how heinous of Feyre to...stay quiet... at the verbal abuse.

in the same image we see Feyre ask Nesta to do something (kindly might I add) and then inquire why she didn't chop wood like she needs to.

what does Nesta do? acts like a brat and insults Feyre...once again.

considering I'm going off by the story and not the actual screenplay, and assuming they stay true to the story; will the audience not be disgusted by Nesta's behavior? I mean they just saw Feyre struggle to find food and they expect Feyre to go home to a family happy and appreciative of Feyre but instead, they get this familial abuse.

the anti said Feyre basically tells Nesta this:

"If you keep bitching at everyone like this no one will want to be around you or you can’t marry this guy because you’re a waste of space to me"

but what do we see?

"Believe me... the day you want to marry someone worthy, I'll march up to his house and hand you over. But you're not going to marry Tomas."

the word worthy, did that not catch your eye? Feyre said Nesta will have to marry someone worthy, someone, who will treat Nesta kindly and give her the life Feyre thinks her sisters deserve. bc Feyre does think that IDK why anti feyres think Feyre despised Nesta so much, Feyre loved her sisters.

what the anti fails to realize here is that Nesta marrying Tomas would have been actually pretty great for Feyre. in the sense that, Feyre would no longer carry the burden of her sister. Feyre would not have to worry about feeding one more mouth. or worrying about Nesta's constant stealing of Feyre's money. Feyre does not think Nesta is a "waste of space" to her, if she did, it would have been easy for Feyre to discard Nesta, and allow her to marry Tomas. the anti has that twisted.

but that is not even the worst part of the scene. did you see the shameless slut-shaming that came out of Nesta's mouth? how will the audience take to that? do you think most of the younger generation will take it lightly to see a sister slut-shame a sister? a woman putting down another woman? in this social climate? where the feminism movement is alive and flourishing. will they be okay with it? will they still blame Feyre and be mad at her the way the anti says they will be? I hope not otherwise I'm losing faith in humanity.

Lovely words Nesta spews at Feyre. I admit Feyre should have told her then and there that Tomas is abusive. but let's think: Feyre is 19 years old, the youngest, has never had any raising by a parental figure, has been neglected by her whole family, where would Feyre learn to calmly talk to an overgrown brat like Nesta? Feyre telling Nesta who Tomas truly is the duty of a parent, not a sister. I will not condemn Feyre for not knowing that was the perfect time to tell Nesta who Tomas is. especially when Feyre is being tormented and verbally/emotionally abused, its kinda hard to think about something else while you're being told all these horrible words. to us its easy to see where Feyre went wrong but unless you're in the exact position Feyre was in. no one has any room to talk. and even then, every person is different in situations like these.

this part was me analyzing the interactions between Feyre and Nesta since anti had reasons to believe Feyre was just as bad to Nesta and that the audience would see that and hate Feyre. I am now going to respond to the second part of the Feyre Anti's response.

"How will an audience of non-fans react to her not reaching out to her family to tell them she was okay after the reconciliation between her and Nesta? Or not inviting them to the wedding?"- from anti

moving onto acomaf now.

Idk maybe the audience will see Feyre, a depressed, lonely, individual in an abusive relationship while being manipulated by other individuals she called friends, and understand and empathize with her. all throughout the beginning and half of acomaf, Feyre is in critical depression. she wholeheartedly believes she should not be alive. that she is not worthy. she doesn't eat, all she does is sleep, self-care is not important to her or others so why would letting a family know she's okay, a family who BARELY ever cared about her, be a priority? it doesn't seem like Nesta or elain or her father was really fazed by Feyre's lack of communication. her father left on a trip, elain got engaged and Nesta, well we didn't see a tearful welcoming to Feyre on Nesta's part did we?

anti, where is the outcry of her "family" not even really caring if Feyre was safe or not, of what happened to her? it's not like they thought she had died, otherwise, where was the mourning or funeral? no, they just didn't care.

see this is where I know when anti is just full of bullshit. why, WHY, would Feyre invite her family to wedding full of fae? the creatures elain and Nesta fear and hate? for all the talk many anti's spew about Feyre being inconsiderate to Nesta, to her family, you would think Feyre maybe just knows a fae wedding would be the last thing they would want? even then, does Feyre owe them an invitation to her wedding? does she owe them an update on her life? nope. Feyre owed them nothing.

"How about her shit-talking Nesta to a bunch of strangers then having the audacity to ask her to get involved in a war. Oh! This is after she comes into her house and insults their hospitality." - from anti

I hardly think Feyre confiding in individuals who she learned to care about and laying out all the trauma Feyre endured with her family is "shit-talking" but for argument's sake, let's say it is. I still don't see what's wrong? after years of pent-up anger and hurt, would you not let go of everything you withheld inside and explain what was done to you? how you felt? Feyre telling the IC her life story, which contains Nesta's abuse and her family's neglect, was a form of therapy for Feyre. I never read a line where Feyre calls Nesta a "cold-hearted bitch" or called elain "a lazy ditz" she just said the truth. no added embellishments. Cassian was the one who shit-talked Nesta during the dinner scene, never Feyre.

I still don't understand why antis are so against Feyre asking her sisters for help? like the war didn't involve them? they're humans, and you know what the war was about? Hybern wanting to take control of the human lands like they once did and turn them into slaves. those humans included Nesta and elain.

"They could have left the continent" correct, except elain was engaged and refused to leave Grayson. which meant Nesta refused to leave elain. but even so, isn't it the duty of humans to band together and work to overthrow a race of people who want to torture and keep them as slaves? the queens certainly weren't doing their jobs. Feyre asked to use "their" house to meet the queens bc where else would they do it? the queens trust the fae less than Nesta or elain did. but even so, Feyre asking to use their house was a courtesy, that house is rightfully Feyre's. she is the one who sacrificed herself to leave with Tamlin. she did it bravely, courageously, and they got that house thanks to her. they owed Feyre everything. and the only one who acknowledged that was Elain.

that war involved elain and Nesta whether they or Feyre or the anti's liked it or not. not even considering that Nesta and elain are Feyre Archerons sisters, yeah, their family name alone puts a target on their back.

How did Feyre or the court insult Elain's and Nesta's hospitality? You mean when Feyre realized human food differed from fae food? something she did not know about bc she's barely been turned to fae and only had eaten fae dishes? Feyre's grimace towards the human food was an involuntary reaction to someone who is still learning their new body. or was it when Cassian called out Nesta for her cold treatment towards Feyre? if that's the case then fuck decency, I would call out a fake bitch in my presence from minute one. you cant call what Nesta did "hospitality" when all she did was insult Feyre when she didn't even care that Feyre had died, or lost her love bc of abuse, or that her body was changed against her will.

hospitality: the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.

did y'all read something different bc this for sure was nothing Nesta gave to her guests?

----

the rest of the anti post moves towards Rhysand and his actions UTM which I won't go into because I'm mainly just addressing the false interpretations this anti had to say about Feyre and her family.

I'm not sure how to sign off now lol, but I guess just that I hope this was enough to show how this anti's arguments were completely ludicrous and have absolutely no compassion for Feyre, and instead all the compassion for Feyre's abusers. This anti had a real spin on what the actual story was, and I hope the evidence I provided was enough to show that. Anyways yeah my brain is fried, and I'm done arguing with Feyre anti's for a while now, I need to go praise my queen Feyre so I can receive some semblance of peace.

anyways, stan Feyre for clear skin xx

I'd love to hear more of your thoughts about why P5R didn't quite land for you. I had the same reaction to it, but I've never quite been able to properly articulate why the last section fell so flat.

God okay so I've tried several times to answer this, and it seems like the answer is 'I still have way too many feelings, personally, to say this in anything less than thirty pages and fifteen hours of work', because Persona 5 the original is a game I loved a lot and care about a great deal. And most of the reasons I disliked Royal feel, in my head, like a list of ways it broke some of the things I liked best about P5--which means explaining them feels like I need to explain everything I loved about the original game, which is a book in itself, complete with referents to P3, P4, Jungian psychology, the Joseph Campbell mytharc, and fuck all even knows what. And that is too much.

But today I realized that I could instead describe it from an angle of, Persona 5 Strikers succeeds really well at doing the thing I think Royal was trying to do but failed at. And that I think I can talk about in a reasonable amount of wordspace, hopefully, behind this cut because I have at least one friend who hasn't played Royal yet.

Note for reblogs/comments: I HAVE NOT FINISHED STRIKERS YET. I got through the jail that pretended to be the final jail and have not yet gone into the obviously inevitable 'ohshit wait, you mean there's something more than simple human machinations behind all of this?' dungeon. (I got stuck on a really frustrating side quest, put the game down, and then dived into Hades to avoid throwing the Switch across the room for a while--and anyone around this blog lately knows how THAT'S been going.) Please no spoilers past Okinawa!

So, one of the many, many things I really appreciated about Persona 5 was its straightforward and unashamed attitude towards abusers and their acts of violence. Because, while yes P5 is a story about the use of power and control to make others suffer, it fundamentally isn't about those abusers themselves. It's about their victims, those that survive their crimes. And this shows up repeatedly over the course of the game.

We do not give a shit why Kamoshida wanted to beat and rape his students. We really don't. Kamoshida does not deserve our attention one moment longer than it takes to make him stop. Because, ultimately, that's the goal of P5, start to end. We don't know for sure if what we're doing is fair, if it's justice, if it's questionable. What we know is that people are being hurt, badly, actively, right now this second. What we know is that victims are suffering. What we know is that we, personally, us-the-protag and us the Phantom Thieves at large, are in danger. And in those circumstances, we don't care about the abuser's side any more. We don't. We don't have the space or time or capacity to care, because that is not the point.

The point is to help the weak. To save the people who need saving, right here and now. To give others the courage to stand up on their own behalf. We're not even out to change society, not really--that's a byproduct. We are reactions. We are triage. We are important.

There's something so empowering and validating about that as a theme, y'know? In a media landscape so full of "sympathetic villains", the idea that, you know, maybe sometimes you don't have to break yourself to show compassion that might possibly heal the bad guy--that sometimes you can just make the bad guy stop hurting people--feels both refreshing and satisfying. I really appreciate it as a message! I liked it a lot!

And yes, there's nuance to that theme, and the game is not without compassion. We save Futaba, because 'make the bad guy stop hurting people', in that case, means 'make this person stop hurting herself'. We give Sae a path forwards, help her fix her own heart. Yet it's worth pointing out that in both of those cases, while we were very glad to do those things, to save those people, we also went into both of those palaces for extremely practical reasons to begin with. We needed Futaba's help. We needed Sae's help. The fact that we chose to talk Sae into a change of heart rather than simply stealing her treasure, while ultimately a very good thing for her, was absolutely a practical choice predicated on the need for her palace to still exist to save our life. And yes, we wanted to save her, for Makoto's sake--yes, we wanted desperately to save Futaba. But Sae and Futaba let themselves be helped, too, and that doesn't change the overarching themes of the story itself.

Akechi (and to some extent Okumura) would not let himself be helped. Akechi's another interesting nuance to this theme, because of all our villains, we do learn the most about what drove him to the cruelties and crimes he's committed. He's at that intersection of victim and villain, and we want to help him, as a victim--but we also know that stopping him as a villain is more important. We'd like to save him from himself if we could, because we save people from their sources of trauma, it's what we do. We regret being unable to do so. But in the end, what matters to the story is not that Akechi refused to be saved--it's that Shido and Yaldabaoth need to be stopped, for the sakes of everyone else they're hurting now and may continue to hurt in the future.

The thing is, there's space and maybe even a need for a corollary discussion of those places where victim and villain intersect. It's an interesting, pertinent, and related topic. Strikers made an entire video game about it, a really good video game. It's centered in the idea that, yes, these people need to be stopped, and we will make stopping them our priority--but they're not going after us, and that gives us some space to sympathize. Even for Konoe, who specifically targets the Phantom Thieves--compare him to Shido, who actively destroyed the lives of both Joker and Futaba, who ordered Haru's father's death, who's the entire reason the team is still dealing with the trauma of Akechi's everything. Of course the game can be sympathetic to Konoe where it can't with Shido. There's enough distance to do that.

But right--Strikers is a separate game. It's a separate conversation. It's, "last time, we talked about that, so now let's take it one step further." And that's good writing. (It's something Persona has done before, too, also really well! Persona 3 is about terrible, occasionally-suicidal depression and grief. P4 is about how you can still be hurting and need some help and therapy even if things seem ok. Related ideas, but separate conversations that need to be separate in order to be respectful and do justice to either one. P5, as a follow-up to P4, is a conversation about how, ok, changing yourself is great and all, but sometimes the problem is other people so how do you deal with that? Again, still related! Still pertinent! Still alluded to in P4, with Adachi's whole thing--but it wasn't the time or place to base a quarter of the game around it.)

So one of Royal's biggest issues, to me, is that it tries to tack on this whole new angle for discussion onto a game that was originally about something else.

Adding Maruki's palace--adding it at the end, which by narrative laws suggests that it's the true point that everything else should be building up to--suddenly adds in about a hundred new dimensions at once. It wants us to engage with "what in this abuser/manipulator's life led him to act this way?" for basically the first time all game (we'll get to Akechi later). It wants us to engage with, "if the manipulator has a really good reason or good intentions, does that mean we should forgive them?" It requires us to reflect on, "what is the difference between control and cruelty?" It asks, "okay, but if people could be controlled into being happy, would that be okay?" (Which, based on the game so far, is actually a wild out-there hypothetical! Literally not a single thing we've seen in the game suggests that could ever happen. Even the people who think being controlled is safer and easier are miserable under it. Control that's able to lead to actual happiness is completely out of left field in the context of everything we've encountered all game so far.)

That's too much! We don't have time to unpack all that! We only have an eighth of the game left! Not to mention we are also being asked to bring back questions we put to bed much earlier in the game about the morality of our own actions, in a wholely unsatisfying way. Maruki attempts to justify his mass brainwashing because "it's the same as what you're doing", and we know it isn't, but the game didn't need Maruki calling it out in order for us to get that. We already faced that question when we started changing hearts, and again several times throughout the game, and again when we found our targets in Yaldabaoth's cells. The fact that we change hearts does not mean we think "changing hearts is fine and kind and should be done to everyone, actually." Changing hearts has been firmly established in this game as an act of violence, acceptable only because it prevents further systemic violence against innocents that we must prevent. The moral question has never once been about whether it's ok to change the hearts of the innocent, only about how far it's ethical to go against individuals who are actively hurting other people. Saying "you punched that guy to keep him from shooting a child, so punching people is good and I will save the world by punching everyone!" is confusing! and weird! and not actually at all helpful to the question of, how much violence is it acceptable to use to protect others! So presenting the question that way just falls really flat.

(And right, I love Strikers, because Strikers has time to unpack all that. Strikers can give us a main bad guy who wants to control the whole world for everybody's own good, because Strikers has earned that thematic climax. It has given us sympathetic bad guys who started out wanting to control the world to protect themselves and ended up going too far. It's given us Mariko Hyodo, who wanted to control the world to protect other people and went too far. It's given us a long-running thread about police, the desire to serve, and the abuse of power that can lead to. And since we are actively trying to care for the people whose hearts we're changing in Strikers, we can open the door to questions about using changes-of-heart and that level of control to make other people happy. We can even get a satisfying conclusion out of that discussion, because we have space to characterize the difference--Konoe thinks that changing peoples' hearts means confining them, but the Phantom Thieves think it means setting them free. We have seen enough sympathetic villains that we as an audience have had the space to figure out how we feel about that, and to understand the game's perspective of "stop them AND save them, if we can possibly do both." And that message STILL rests firmly on Persona 5's message of "it is Good to do what you have to do to stop an abuser so long as you don't catch innocent people in your crossfire.")

It's worth noting that the general problem of 'asking way too many new questions and then not answering them' also applies to how Royal treats its characters, too. P5 did have unanswered questions left at the end! The biggest one, and we all knew this, was Akechi, and what actually happened to him, and how we should feel about him, and how he felt about us. That was ripe for exploring in our bonus semester, and to Royal's credit they did in fact try to bring it up, but by god did they fuck up doing it.

Akechi's probable death in the boiler room was absolutely the biggest dangling mystery of the game. It was an off-screen apparent death of a key antagonist, so all of the narrative rules we know suggested that he might still be alive and would probably come back if the story went on for long enough. So when Royal brings him back on Christmas Eve, hey, great! Question answered. Except that the situation is immediately too good to be true, and immediately leads to another mystery, which leads to a flat suspicion that something must be wrong. We spend several hours of gameplay getting sly hints that, oooh, maybe he's not really alive after all, before it's finally confirmed by Maruki: yup, he really died, if we end the illusion we'll kill him too. Okay, at least we know now. Akechi is alive right now and he's going to be dead if we do this, and that doesn't make a ton of sense because every other undead person disappeared when the person who wished for them realized they were fake but at this point we'll take it. So we take down Maruki, and okay, Akechi really is dead! Probably! We're fairly sure! Aside from our lingering doubts!

And then we catch a glimpse of maybe-probably-could be him through the train window, and I just want to throw something, because come on.

Look, it is just a fact of storytelling: the more times you make an audience ask 'wait, is this character dead or aren't they?', the less they will care, until three or four reversals later you will be hard pressed to find anybody who gives a shit. Royal does this like four different times, and every iteration comes with even less certainty than the last. By the end, we somehow know even less than we did when we started! Did Akechi survive the boiler room to begin with and Maruki just didn't know? Or was Maruki lying to try and manipulate us further? Or was he actually dead and then his strength of will when Maruki's reality dissolved was enough to let him survive after all? Is that even actually him out the train window?

Where is he going! What is he doing! How did any of this happen! What is going on! We all had these questions about Akechi at the end of the original P5, and the kicker is that Royal pretends like it's going to answer them only to go LOL JK NO. It's frustrating and it's dissatisfying and it annoys me.

The one Akechi question that Royal doesn't even bother to ask, though, let alone leave ambiguous, is how does the protagonist feel about him? The entire emotional weight of the third semester rests on the protagonist caring about Akechi, Sumire, and Maruki. Maruki's the person we're supposed to sympathize with even as we try to stop him. Sumire's the person we're trying to save from herself. And Akechi is our bait--is, we are told, the one thing our protagonist wished for enough to actualize it in this world himself. Akechi's the final lure to accept Maruki's deal. Akechi's survival is meant to be tempting.

For firm Akechi fans, this probably worked out fine--the game wanted to insist that the protagonist cared for Akechi the same way the player did. For those of us who're a little more ambivalent, though (or for the many and valid people who hated him), this is a super sour note. Look, one of the Persona series' strengths is the way it lets players choose to put their time and emotional investment into an array of different characters, so the main story still has weight even if there's a couple you don't care about that much. It has always done this. The one exception, from P3 all the way through P4 to here and now, is Nanako Dojima, and by god she earned that distinction. I have never met a person who played Persona 4 who didn't love Nanako. Nanako is a neglected six-year-old child who is brave and strong enough to take care of herself and all of the housework but who still tries not to cry when her dad abandons her again and lights up like the sun when we spare her even the tiniest bit of time and attention. It is impossible not to care for Nanako. Goro Akechi is not Nanako.

And yet third semester Royal doesn't make sense if your protagonist doesn't feel linked to Akechi. The one question, out of all the brand new questions Royal throws out there, that it decides to answer all by itself--and it's how you as a player and your protagonist ought to feel about an extremely complex and controversial character. What the fuck, Royal. What the fuck.

In conclusion, I'll leave you with this. I played the original Persona 5 in March and April of 2017, as an American, a few months after the 2016 election and into the term of our then president. It felt painfully timely. A quick calendar google early on indicated that the game's 20XX was almost certainly 2016, and the closer our plot got to the in-game November leadup to an election destined to be dominated by a foul and charming man full of corruption and buoyed up by his own cult of personality, the more I wanted to laugh/cry. It felt timely. It felt important. It felt right.

I went through Royal (in LP form on youtube, not having a platform to play it on) in summer of 2020, with a hook full of face masks by my front door and protests about racial tension and local policing that occasionally turned into not-quite-riots close enough to hear at night if I opened the windows of my apartment. The parts of the game that I remembered felt as prescient and meaningful as ever, if not even more so. The new parts felt baffling. Every single evil in the game felt utterly, painfully real, from the opening moments of police brutality to the idea of a country led by a guy who probably would use his secret illegitimate teenage son as a magical assassin if the opportunity presented itself and he thought he could get away with it. Yaldabaoth as the cumulative despair of an entire population who just wanted somebody to take over and make things be okay--yes, yes, god, in summer of 2020? With streets full of people refusing to wear masks and streets full of people desperate for change? Of course. Of course that holy grail of safety should be enticing. Of course it should be terrifying.

And then Maruki. Maruki, who was just so far outside the scope of anything I could relate to the rest of the game or my own life. Because every single other villain in the rest of Persona is real. From the petty pandering principal to the human-trafficking mob boss. The corrupt politicians and the manmade god of cultural desire for stability. And this game was trying to tell me that the very biggest threat of all of them, the thing that was worse than the collective force of all society agreeing to let this happen because succumbing was easier than fighting back--that the very biggest threat of all was that the world could be taken over by some random nobody's misguided attempts to help?

No. Fuck no. I don't buy it. Because god, yes, I have seen the pain and damage done on a tiny and personal and very real level by the tight-fisted control of someone trying to help, it never looked like this. Not some ascended god of a bad therapist. All the threats to the world, and that's the one I'm supposed to take seriously? This one man is more of a threat than the fundamental human willingness to be controlled?

Sorry, but no. Not for me. Not in this game. Not in this real-life cyberpunk dystopian apocalypse.

What are the basic values of a druid? Trying to understand what exactly druidry is.

Druidry has no universally defined set of values, which makes it tricky to pin down. In terms of basic values, I can start with what druids might have in common.

Reverence for Nature: I find it hard to believe that there could ever be a druid who does not have some degree of appreciation for the natural world. This could range from a deep respect to all-out worship, depending on the individual. Many druids seek to establish a connection with the Earth and with Nature. We’re not here to conquer it, but to acknowledge that we are part of it. The Earth is a deity that we can prove exists.

Subcategory - Trees: I often meet up with people who have an interest in druidry around the Minneapolis area, and one thing that almost all of us mention is a love of trees that (at least in part) drew us in. After all, even the ancient Romans observed that the druids had something to do with trees and were the knowers of the oak.

Subcategory - Environmentalism: Stewardship, using our natural resources wisely, seeking balance, and taking care of our only home planet are important to modern druids. The Industrial Revolution in part led to the increase in popularity of the Druidry Revival Movement. Many druids promoted getting back to nature in a world where mills, factories, and machines began to dominate the landscape and take its toll. With deforestation, mining, and waste, we also have a concern for the animals that we should be sharing the world with.

Peace: According to Roman historian Strabo in his writing Geographica, the ancient druids “…prevented armies from engaging when drawn up in battle array against each other.” In the Druidry Revival Movement, many members were liberal Christians and Unitarians. The English Civil War and the Jacobite Rebellions, carrying overtones of religious superiority (Protestant vs Catholic) were ongoing or still fresh in the memory of the people. Many of these Revival Druids wanted a more peaceful existence and spirituality. Naturally, they liked the notion that the ancient druids had the power to halt warfare. Pacifism stuck around as a popular druid value in just about every modern druid order.

Balance: Many druids strive to practice mindfulness and moderation, while understanding that nature is about giving and taking. Even as there is day, so must there be night. There are many druids who embrace the dark and the light equally, while other druids see that the world is already saturated in darkness and try to balance that out, and that takes its toll on us. That brings us to the importance of self care. When we have too much of one thing that wears away at the heart, we need to give some balance to our own lives on a personal level.

Creativity: Many druids have some form of creative expression. The bardic arts aren’t limited to just poetry and song. We are also artisans, hobbyists, and craftspeople. We create sacred artwork, ritual tools, jewelry, supplies, and more. We may be in varying states of skill, but hey, everyone starts somewhere.

This is where I go out on a limb (oh the pun!) and cover additional values that I would hope most (if not all) druids have.

If there’s any single modern druidic writing that encompasses values, it’s the Druid’s Prayer, originally written by the bard Iolo Morganwg and has since been adapted into numerous versions. OBOD has an excellent page on the Druid’s Prayer [here] with their choice of verse. The next eight values below are right out of the prayer.

Protection: Okay, so who doesn’t want to be safe? Protection is universally important, particularly for people with fringe beliefs and practices. This is not limited to only physical protection; it can certainly also mean magical and spiritual protection as well.

Strength: I’m willing to bet this is primarily in the sense of nonphysical strength. This can mean emotional strength, courage, integrity, dedication, perseverance, and more. And yes, there are probably some body-builder druids who mean strength literally.

Knowledge: The ancient druids would take up to 19 years (vaguely like achieving a Master’s Degree today) to commit everything to memory. That included history, lore, law, medicine, astronomy/astrology, magic, theology, philosophy, logic, sacred geometry, and others. Of course with modern literacy, we can learn things much faster with the written word. That doesn’t mean we’re committing it all to memory, but we have the added ability to conduct research in the modern era and access knowledge almost instantaneously. We have a thirst for learning, which fosters a path to Awareness. Many of us are also on a quest for truth and discerning correct knowledge from the incorrect. There is a lot of misleading information out there and we feel it is important to get it right.

Understanding: I personally interpret this as wisdom. Wisdom is applied knowledge, which first requires us to understand what we know on a deeper level. Wisdom is often achieved through experiences. For many, druidry is an experiential lifestyle, not just merely a nature-based spirituality.

Justice: The ancient druids served many purposes, and some were looked up to as judges and interpreters of the law. Unfortunately we can’t all be judges, but perhaps not all ancient druids were judges anyway. Through logic and reason we can think and act justly. Living beings are deserving of fairness and a balance of equality.

Love: Concern and compassion for our fellow beings comes to us through the most powerful emotion. Sure, Nature can be cold and emotionless, yet druids still feel a driving force to gaze out at her beauty in love, wonder, and awe. (Regarding wonder and awe for Earth, see also [this video] on the Overview Effect.) For many, love is just part of the deal.

Divinity: Not all druids believe in a higher power, but many do. Some druids are hard polytheists, believing in many deities. Some druids are soft polytheists, believing that the gods are aspects of one divine source. Some druids are pantheists, believing that everything is divine, and deity is everything. Some druids are panentheists, believing everything is divine, yet deity is also a separate being. Some druids are monotheists and liberal Christians. Some druids are spiritual but not religious. Many druids, in addition to some of the above categories, are animists, believing that everything has its own spirit, even rocks and plants. Because of the flexibility in this category, it really doesn’t make a difference how you perceive divinity to be a druid. Write that down.

Goodness: Above I mentioned balance. To avoid contradictions, I should mention that balance is good in most situations. We certainly don’t need Evil to balance out Good. We don’t want half the world population to be racists, for example… zero racists is a good balance. Humility is also important. Druidry is not about egoism, nor power struggles, nor conceitedness. 

Community: The ancient druids were the spiritual leaders of their communities. Strabo mentions in Geographica  that the Gaulish Celts “…would not sacrifice without the presence of the Druids.” (Side note: most modern druid orders condemn animal or human sacrifice, but I digress.) We advance faster when we work together, such as in study groups, organizing events, or completing projects.

Leadership: Whether we are leaders of our communities, of our Groves, or how we lead our lives by example, leadership is important. There are many solo druids out there, and that’s perfectly fine. Solo druids are their own clergy, and leaders of their own spirit. Many solo druids feel they can get more accomplished if they follow their own guidance at their own pace.

There are certainly many more values that druids have that might not be listed here, but this is a good start. I am grateful with special thanks to my friends in Northern Roots Grove & Druid Order of North America (DONA) who helped ensure that I have a well-rounded list.

What I’ve Learned from Disney Princesses

Sorry - super long post that isn’t a fic and doesn’t have anything to do with much. Just a rant - something I thought about and had to write down.

I firmly believe that in life, we are always learning. And from a young age, I have been learning from Disney - I think that my rather large vocabulary comes from learning Disney songs by heart at a young age - there are some pretty complicated words in there, people!

I was born and currently identify as male, but the Disney Princess movies have taught me valuable lessons over my life. The Princesses espouse admirable qualities, teach life lessons, and introduce us to the harsh truths of life. I’d like to share with you what I found the message these characters send to be, and maybe see if anyone feels the same?

So, under the break, I’m going to discuss all 12 of the official Disney Princesses, as well as Elsa and Anna, because I feel they have a lot to offer as far as life lessons go.

1. Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)

Snow White does teach valuable lessons. She is just a young girl during the movie, but she shows remarkable fortitude in her ordeals. She does put herself in a servant role to the Dwarfs, but think about it -she’s been made a servant by her stepmother, so it’s likely the only thing of use she knows how to do. Not to mention she’s paying for her lodging and food by working. Snow is a princess, but she shows remarkable humility by being willing to work and earn her keep. 

Snow’s story also teaches us the downfalls of seeing the good everywhere. A little bit of cynicism is healthy, and keeps us alive. Snow’s willingness to see the good is what allows her to be so cheerful and loving towards the Dwarfs, but also makes her an easy target for a certain apple salesperson.

Be humble. Be fair. And don’t be so trusting.

2. Cinderella (Cinderella)

Cinderella might seem to be a passive, submissive example of a princess who “needs a man to rescue her.” But I think differently. Cinderella shows courage and strength in doing the only thing she can: surviving. Think about it: Cinderella has basically no other option but to be slave to her stepfamily. Her mother and father are dead. But does she complain? Does she give in to the idea that there might not be a single human left in the world who cares about her?

No.

Cinderella teaches us the quiet strength of endurance, of compassion and love even when we don’t receive any. Cinderella remains positive and hopeful in the face of adversity, and she is rewarded. 

Cinderella teaches us the harsh truth that sometimes, we have no other option but to muddle through and hope. Dreaming and wishing can be our refuge, and we must not let ourselves be broken by our circumstances. We must always show compassion and love where we are shown none, to those that need and deserve it. Cinderella cares for her animal friends, even though they can not conceivably do anything for her, and this “paying it forward” is rewarded.

And yes, Cinderella does have to depend on the kindness of others. But this in itself is a lesson. We, like Cinderella, do not always have agency over our lives. Sometimes we are kept from the ball. Sometimes the spell has to end at midnight. But Cinderella’s endurance and spirit is what sees her through.

Be strong. Be kind. Be like Cinderella.

3. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)

True, there isn’t much to take from Aurora’s actions, due to her getting little screen time. But, Aurora teaches us the power of intent. She has been sheltered all her life and cut off from contact. And yet, she is unafraid to dream of finding more. And she does, though probably not how she expected to.

Aurora teaches us the harsh truth that we can be punished for something we had no control over. She was cursed to effectively die for an insult her parents gave! (Incidentally, a lesson I learned from Sleeping Beauty was to show respect at all times, to avoid grudges) 

Aurora may not teach us much directly. Her lessons involve having no control, and just having to deal with it.

So, yes, there will be times when your life won’t be fair. And, sorry, but you’ll just have to hope for the best. Hold on to your dreams for when life hits you hard.

4. Ariel (The Little Mermaid)

For a long time, Ariel was my least favorite Disney Princess. She’s the “girl who has everything” but can’t appreciate it.  She’s got material goods, family who cares, friends, a killer singing voice, but she takes it all for granted. Not to mention she skips out on prior commitments for selfish reasons. But Ariel teaches us a lesson about parenting that we would do well to remember:

Share with your child. Ariel’s curiosity about the surface world stems from her father’s insistence that she should never come in contact with it. Triton could’ve avoided a whole lot of trouble by maybe showing Ariel the human world a little at a time, or told her about why Ursula was so bad. 

Ariel also a lesson of her own: that it is okay to depend on others. Yes, she needs Sebastian to help her romance Eric. Yes, she needs Eric to help her defeat Ursula. But these do not make her weak. Ariel’s pure love and curiosity for whatever she happens to come across is her strength, and is what charms everyone around her. She is willing to selflessly defy her father in order to save a surface person from almost certain death. We all need to realize that we are not alone in this world, and it is okay to rely on those we can trust. When, like Ariel, we are voiceless, we should be able to count on our loved ones for support.

So, parents, share and be honest with your children. Kids, know that you aren’t alone, that it’s okay to rely on your parents and friends for stuff. You aren’t weak. We all need each other.

5. Belle (Beauty and the Beast)

Belle is possibly my favorite Disney Princess of all time. She’s got it all: brains, confidence, beauty. But the real virtue she shows us as people does not come from her book learning. It comes from emotional intelligence. Belle’s greatest quality is her understanding. 

Belle lives in a small town full of “little people,” and she is insecure about how different she is from them. The repetitive life they lead is not enough for her, and she wonders if anyone can understand her. There’s “no one [she] can really talk with.” And later, the villagers will state in “The Mob Song” that “we don’t like what we don’t understand; in fact it scares us, and this monster is mysterious at least.”

She is the only one who can see through the facade that Gaston puts on for all the villagers. She is able to see through the Beast’s posturing and get him to become the man inside. Belle sees Cogsworth’s pride and uses it to get him to show her the castle, and recognizes that the Beast won’t hurt her. Her understanding of people, and her ability to look past the outer shell is her greatest power, and ultimately allows her to break the curse by recognizing her love for the Beast, despite how mean and vicious he may appear. Belle shows us the value of attempting to understand those that may look and behave differently from us, and how reaching across that divide may not be as difficult as we think.

Belle’s story also teaches us the harsh truth that talent and wisdom often go unappreciated compared to beauty and looks. No one believes “Crazy Old Maurice” when his word is against Gaston, the village golden boy. None of the villagers see anything other than a scary, mysterious castle with a vicious beast in it. Even the Beast himself was cursed due to his inability to look past the Enchantress’ disguise. 

So seek to understand those you meet, both their flaws and qualities. And don’t judge a book by its cover. 

6. Jasmine (Aladdin)

Jasmine is pretty cool. She has a pet tiger, so... 

Anyway, Jasmine shows us how to be free. She doesn’t want to be wed to someone she doesn’t love, and so she tries to escape her life. She has Rajah attack suitors who try to get too close. She doesn’t take anything from anyone. Jasmine is generous and righteous, and although she might get into trouble due to her sheltered upbringing, Jasmine teaches us that we can’t let people deny us our freedom.

But Jasmine’s story teaches us the harsh truth that there are people out there who will stop at nothing to get what they want. Jafar resorts to manipulation, mind control, and then outright force to get what he wants. Even Aladdin uses the Genie’s incredible power to deceive his way to Jasmine. But even though Prince Ali seems perfect, Jasmine doesn’t really start to like him until he semi-reveals himself as Aladdin by asking her “do you trust me?” And Jasmine defies Jafar, even when he has the Genie’s power, even when he has her father under his power.

So, even when the greedy and selfish seek to use you, remember to hold on and exercise your freedom. It’s your life.

7. Pocahontas (Pocahontas)

Pocahontas is possibly the most controversial on the list, but I think that she is important in the lessons she can teach.

Pocahontas is independent and true to herself, but she also wrestles with tough inner conflict from duty. She wants to hope that something “waits just around the riverbend” but is in conflict with her tribe’s mantra of keeping steady and not rocking the boat. But her greatest virtue is her commitment to peace.

 Pocahontas not only promotes peace between cultures, but peace between man and nature. “We are all connected to each other/in a circle, in a hoop that never ends.” Pocahontas believes in this value of peace so much that she is willing to sacrifice herself for love rather than live in a world where war has broken out among the two sides. Her main adviser is not a human, but a spirit of nature itself. 

And the movie reveals harsh truths about how people treat those they do not understand. The song “Savages” is especially poignant, as Pocahontas deals with her inability to save John Smith while both sides abandon any hope for peace/cooperation and prepare for war. A strain from “Listen With Your Heart” plays before the second part of the song, showing that Pocahontas will either prove that peace is possible or die trying. As the end of the song arises, Pocahontas throws herself onto John Smith, forcing her father to either choose to back down or to kill his own daughter. 

Yes, Pocahontas sanitizes a lot of the struggle of the period. But the idea that one selfless act has the power to affect change is a powerful one. Pocahontas shows us that peace is an ideal worth dying for, even when it seems that no one will listen.

8. Mulan (Mulan)

Mulan starts her film chafing against her society’s constraints, unable to be herself and attempting to force herself into the mold of “perfect porcelain doll” that she is expected to be. Mulan’s love for her father is what motivates her to join the army in his place. Ironically, as her story deals with deception and deceit for the greater good, Mulan teaches us to be true to ourselves.

While she masquerades as Ping, Mulan is largely ineffectual, starting a camp-wide brawl on her first day and earning enmity from her comrades by adopting an overly-macho facade. It’s only when Mulan uses skills from her true personality that she thrives. Her ingenuity is foreshadowed in the way she does her chores by setting up Little Brother to do them, her sense of fairness is shown when she gives a little girl back her doll, and her incredible persistence is shown in the way she steadfastly goes through with the matchmaking ceremony, even when she has to resort to cheating to get through it. 

Mulan’s creativity allows her to climb the pole to retrieve the arrow, and her victory against Shan Yu in the mountains is brought about by her creative use of the cannon to cause an avalanche.

Mulan teaches us the harsh truth that there are things in life that we will just not be good at. Mulan does not excel at the memorization and graceful movements that other girls in her society are expected to use. But she does excel at tactics, thinking creatively, and adapting to situations as they come. And though her society prevents her from using her true talents, she finds a way to break out of that box and use her abilities to their fullest extent.

We all have our strengths and talents, and we must find a way to use them rather than be constrained by the norms of society. “The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.”

9. Tiana (The Princess and the Frog)

Tiana is different from the other Princesses because her best quality is also her flaw - she is focused and hard-working. Tiana is so diligent towards achieving her goals that she doesn’t allow herself to enjoy life. Tiana mostly teaches others how to focus on what they really want, but she’s got her own lesson to learn. 

“I remember Daddy told me/”Fairy tales can come true,/ But you’ve got to make them happen/it all depends on you.” Tiana has learned this lesson that blood, sweat, and tears are dependable - fairy godmothers are rare. It is hard to determine what Tiana needs to learn because she has so many good qualities - responsibility, self-sufficiency, diligence

“Blue skies and sunshine” are what Mama Odie recommends to her, and Tiana realizes that she doesn’t have to deny herself fun to achieve her goals. She starts out with several jobs to save up for her restaurant, and it all turns out to be for nothing. Tiana already knows that she must rely on herself to make her dreams come true, but she needs to learn to stop and smell the roses. She learns that she doesn’t have to solely dedicate herself to one thing. She can take time for fun, time to dance with her mother before getting back to work.

But Tiana’s story also teaches us the harsh truth that people are often far too open to temptation. “This whole town can slow you down/People taking the easy way...” Dr. Facilier and the Friends from the Other Side take advantage of what people want but don’t want to work for in order to manipulate them. “You got what you wanted/But you lost what you had.” Tiana, however, recognizes the value of hard work and does not give in to the Doctor’s manipulations. Even when Facilier gives her her restaurant, where she is loved and respected and dressed up, she quickly realizes it is nothing but an empty offer. Tiana does what none of the other characters tempted by Facilier have been able to do - say no.

So, work hard, but don’t forget to play sometimes. And know that your dreams won’t come true overnight - hard work is often needed.

10. Rapunzel (Tangled)

Rapunzel’s story teaches us perseverance. Every year, the king and queen send up lanterns for the lost princess - never losing hope that their daughter is out there. And it is these very lanterns that draw their daughter back to them. Rapunzel perseveres in her tower, waiting for her life to begin. And when opportunity finally strikes, Rapunzel seizes it. She doesn’t just grab the bull by the horns, she swipes it upside the head with a frying pan!

Rapunzel teaches us the harsh truth that trust is never to be taken for granted. Even the people who are supposed to love us and care for us might not always have our best interests at heart. Rapunzel spends much of the movie fearful that she is betraying her mother, only to find out she was lied to her whole life. The folks at the Snuggly Duckling encourage her to chase her dreams, but also inadvertently set Gothel on her trail. And Gothel is easily able to manipulate Rapunzel into distrusting Eugene.

So never give up, and be sure that those you place your trust in deserve it.

11. Merida (Brave)

Merida, like Mulan, struggles with societal constraints. Like Ariel, she can be flighty and irresponsible. But ultimately, Merida teaches us about the give and take of relationships, even among parents and children. Merida feels her mother lacks understanding. And her mother feels the same. Their relationship, once so close, is broken by the divide between them, represented by Merida’s damaging of the tapestry her mother made.

As Merida and Eleanor go through their journey, Merida learns about her mother’s strength and power, which comes from calm words and the bearing of a leader

12. Moana (Moana)

Moana is a really great addition to the lineup. She’s strong, funny, and smart, and she is wise. Moana, unlike Mulan, does not struggle with fitting in to society. She is able to competently assume the role of chief under the guidance of her father. And it is important to note that when Moan first tries to go to the sea, she fails. It is only when she does so in order to save her people that she succeeds. 

So, Moana’s virtue is also her tough lesson. There are things in this world more important than ourselves. Maui’s need to be loved is also the source of his great insecurity, and led him to steal the heart of Te Fiti. Te Ka’s anger nearly prevents Moana and Maui from restoring her heart. Moana’s grandmother and mother teach her the power of selflessness. Moana’s grandmother is the one to teach her about their people’s past as voyagers, and Moana’s mother - though she may fear for her daughter’s life - allows her to go and helps her pack for her journey. And Moana teaches Maui about doing things for others, not for gratitude, but because it is right. 

And Moana leads her people into voyaging once more. Not because she desired to go to the sea, but because it is the way of her people that was forgotten. Because it was the only solution to save her people when they began to overfish and helps spread them across the world. Moana’s motivation grows from a selfish one to a selfless one. And in a weird way, this comes from self-acceptance. “I Am Moana” is what she learns, that she can do things, and her talents are to be used to help her people, not just herself. 

Be yourself. Use your talents and follow your dreams. But never forget to use your abilities and gains for the good of others.

13. Elsa (Frozen)

Elsa is forced for much of her life to live in isolation, even from her beloved sister, which practically destroys their relationship. “Let It Go” may be a song for accepting herself, but it also occurs in isolation. Elsa feels the only way she can be herself is through this isolation. “Yes, I’m alone, but I’m alone and free.” She’s not really accepting who she is, but rather accepting the idea that she’s a dangerous monster, but when no one’s there for her to hurt, she can be happy.

Elsa learns through her sister’s love that she isn’t a monster. And she learns that love is how she can control her powers. Her parents worry that her powers will make her a target, but the fear of herself instilled in her makes them more uncontrollable. After all, if Elsa’s had these powers all her life (and shows remarkable control over them at a young age), the loss of control is directly linked to self-suppression. It is only when Anna sacrifices herself that Elsa regains true control -  because Anna repeatedly shows that she loves her sister, no matter what. And this unconditional love makes Elsa truly believe that she isn’t a monster.

So, Elsa teaches us that to truly accept ourselves, we need to accept others. You don’t have to be as cheery and personable as Anna, but isolation isn’t healthy.

14. Anna (Frozen)

Anna, meanwhile, learns a similar lesson. Also forced into isolation, Anna desires to have experiences, to live life. “For the First Time in Forever” really indicates Anna’s longing for connection and experience. Part of why she’s so willing to love Hans and believe he loves her is because of this isolation. In her point of view, Elsa rebuffs her one day with no warning, and practically never even sees her again for years. “Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?” shows Anna’s regret and sadness as the years pass, and is heartbreaking as she slowly stops trying to communicate with her sister.

Anna teaches us about trying to communicate, about showing unconditional love. “Please don’t shut me out again,” she begs Elsa. And even though her sister has (accidentally) hurt her, Anna consistently tries to bridge the gap. 

Anna’s arc shows us the tough truth that relationships, even close ones, can decay. The close sisterly bond has all but faded between them. But Anna also shows us that no matter the difficulty. At the final scene, when the tune of “Do You Wanna Build a Snowman” plays, it signifies that Elsa and Anna have finally repaired their relationship, that they finally can be family again.

So, we learn from Anna to give our love unconditionally. Because forgiveness, trust, love, and most importantly the desire to make a connection all help us repair our broken relationships.

Can I complain here? My FP originally thought our relationship was going to help heal him, but after he realized the extent of my BPD and how it shapes my reactions to him, he's treating me like I'm not a real person who can help restore his faith in humanity. Like I don't matter. Even though BPD shapes our perspectives, do you think our compassion is genuine? Or is it just, as my FP seems to think, a byproduct of our mental illness?

From the outset, Ican tell your relationship is not healthy. Its basis is codependency, and it’sinfused with toxicity and dehumanization (on your FPs part). Moreover, I wantto emphasize that you never developrelationships on the basis that you will “heal” or “save” or “change” someone. It’snot your job to restore anyone’s “faith in humanity,” so you can let go of thistoxic idea right this instant.  

I’m sorry that thisother person has been so disrespectful and invalidating toward you. That’s soawful…he basically told you not only what you should feel, after burdening you withabsurd expectations, but also that what you feel isn’t entirely real because…you’recrazy.

If there’s one takeawayI want to emphasize, it is this:

Mental illness does not create thoughts and feelings; as you say, it shapesthem. It is the context for ourthoughts and feelings, and the resulting actions. But we choose our own actionsand how we will respond to what we feel.

Think of yourthoughts like water, and mental illness as a water purification system. If yourthoughts flow into a malfunctioning purification system, they’re going to comeout unhealthy.

But don’t thoughtscome from mental illness? No! 

Thoughts come from our lived experiences, our knowledge, our upbringing, otherpeople, culture, mistakes…all this interacts with our feelings, which is acomplex mix of bio-social-psychological processes. If thoughts and feelings arerain, rivers, and streams, then mental illness is that distorted filter whichtakes perfectly innocent, natural, and authentic processes that we allexperience, and messes them up.

How? Because mentalillness impairs the way we identify, process, and respond to or take actionregarding the way we think and feel. See, the thoughts and feelings come on their own, and then the mentalillness shapes them. I hope that’sclear. 

So you’re not crazy for feeling, and you’re certainly not feeling the way youare because you’re crazy. I mean, when I feel something, it’s not like I feelit and then my BPD goes “I MADE YOU DO THAT” or “THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD FEEL.”My emotions and thoughts are very real, and very natural. It’s processing themin a healthy way which is the challenge.

Feelings are real. Emotions are genuine. Feelings and emotions are not pathological. They exist as part of the beautiful humanexperience.

Yes, people with BPDhave intense feelings. But I honestly cannot say whether this can be measuredagainst some “normal” gauge for intensity or not; I don’t think I’ve felt a “normal”feeling in my life because MY FEELINGS ARE ALL AT THIS LEVEL whereas otherpeople just have…feelings.

My point is that everyoneexperiences feelings (or lack thereof) in their own way, because they are theirown person.

You have BPD, and soyou’re going to have specific needs + wants; you’re going to interact withpeople in a specific way; you’re going to feel things in a specific way; butyou are completely human and nothing about your feelings is invalid.

You do matter.

Unfortunately, yourFP has made it clear how little you matter to him. Shame on him, but at leastyou can cut him loose (which is what I strongly recommend that you do) and moveonto finding other people who do recognize exactly how much you matter.

So the answer to yourquestion is: yes, people with BPD do genuinely feel compassion because we are human beings that have thoughts andfeelings that are independent of ourmental illness.

And in order toreally drive this home, I’d like to offer a personal example to reinforce thefact that compassion, care, and love are allgenuine for people with BPD (and Iwould say that this is especially thecase for people with BPD).

As 2018 is drawing toa close, I honestly thought that I would end this year in much the same way asI had previous years: certainly better than I once was, but just as lonely, strayinginto becoming very bitter and isolated.

Thanks to somegraceful twist of fate, I started talking with a gorgeous woman in thebeginning of December. She also has BPD and we’ve both gone through similarlived experiences, especially when it comes to overcoming our pastrelationships with abusive Narcissists.

Chronologically, shereached out to me first, but I think we essentially reached out to each otherat the same time, because from our very first conversation we immediatelyconnected. It was real and visceral.

One conversation ledto another and we found ourselves feeling so comfortable and understood. Therewas no pressure or forceful expectations, no misreading of intentions. Justpure honesty and an exchange of perspectives that proved to be immenselyimpactful.

For the very firsttime in my life, I am completely on the same page with someone.

It is nothing shortof incredible. I am astounded by her consistent compassion; the comfort shebrings me just by being herself and being present in my life; her beautifulpoetry which is soothing and thought provoking all at once; her determinationand perseverance; her fierce, unflinching dedication to getting what she wants;and most of all, her gentle strength.

She’s utterlycharming and witty. She’s cute and thoughtful. She expresses care in suchseemingly small, yet immensely caring ways, like how we send each other goodnight and good morning texts (I love it when she calls me darling, to the pointof blushing, but don’t tell her I said that).

She takes the time tooffer me reassurance and is well aware that she brings me peace of mind, yet Iknow she will never hurt me precisely because she demonstrably cares for me. Whenshe smiles and laughs, it’s like the sun breaking through storm clouds. Shedeserves every happiness and success for the rest of her life.

This woman inspiresme every single day of my life. She makes me want to continue striving to bea better person. She’s truly the light of my life, because before she camealong, I didn’t even realize how unhappy I had actually been…or how wiling I amto make myself happy again, as well as her.

We trust each otherwithout question. We see each other, first and foremost, as real human beingswho are dynamically living our lives. Both of us have gone through immenseheartbreak and pain. But somehow, it’s okay, because apparently everything hadto happen the way it did in order for us to find each other y’know?

We cherish eachother’s vulnerability, which is why we’re so at ease expressing ourselves andthere’s no censorship with how we think and feel. In turn, we appreciate eachother. And it does help that we both have BPD, but this is not the basis of ourrelationship; compassion, bravery, respect, and deep care are what we’rebuilding on.

Thanks to her, I nolonger feel lonely, isolated, and misunderstood. I feel like I’m restored tobeing a whole person. I am free to be myself because she welcomes me to just beexactly who I am, and I hope I am able to fulfill her in that same way.

Above all, we’recommitted to taking our time and working on our relationship, together. Sothere are very important things we both do that I want to emphasize here:

 We communicateclearly and put in effort, consistently

We hold each other accountable for unhealthy behaviours

We are not each other’sFP

We’re not out to save each other because we understand and accept one anotherjust the way we are

Our feelings arereciprocal

Her and I matter toeach other. And we’ve both agreed that the love we feel is healthy, which issuch a wonderful change from how we’ve been made to feel in the past. But Ihope it’s clear that our feelings and the way we relate to each other does notjust happen on its own, nor is it the byproduct of our BPD.

We are in each other’slives because we want to be and we’re both striving to live with our BPD in ahealthy way. It’s as simple, breathtaking, empowering, and real as that.

TransformFriday

Okay, this is an idea that I've been meditating for a long time but I think now is the perfect time to carry it out. Because my favorite comic book (Transformers MTMTE-LL) will soon come to an end, I have decided to carry out this idea: my own Top Ten of favorite transformers... drawing version! The truth is that the end of MTMTE and LL generates me many mixed emotions: on the one hand I am happy because at last I will be able to know the end of the story and I will not observe how my favorite series becomes the next infinitetale (I will not say names ... but we all know who they are ...) but on the other hand I'm so sad about it. This is a story that has marked me and I know that when the comic ends I will no longer be the same person as before. This (at least for me) is a special moment, comparable to when Inuyasha, Death Note and Evangelion ended. I remember fondly when I started reading it: back then I still had the hype of transformers prime and I was looking for more things about it and then a friend in a forum recommended Transformers More Than Meets the Eye and I started reading it (specifically I got it in chapter 18, the house of ambus) and I was speechless with what I found. All the characters were so similar and at the same time so different from everything I already knew. I remember how I was surprised by the lore and all the mythology that had been assembling around the transformable robots and seeing how a world was created so unique and credible with such a cliche premise and yet I fell completely in love with it. I hallucinated with neurosurgery and empurata, I loved how action and psychology were balanced in about 20 pages in such a harmonious way, and the characters ... my god, the characters! I love how James Roberts takes you by the hand and makes you walk the halls of lost light with his characters, I remember being so sad with Tailgate's disease, getting excited about the battle between cyclones and Starsaber, to love and hate the same time to Tarn for his personality, to be moved for the scavengers, the evolution of rodimus and Megatron. For my Transformers it has not been another series of my childhood. James Roberts and Alex Minle have taught me what someone can do with dedication, hard work and a lot of imagination and their comics are not an empty reading. Thanks to this story I have learned so many important lessons from life and myself, I have come to learn how strong and courageous I can be. Thanks to MTMTE I was encouraged to write and draw my first comic, I learned that the hardest It is forgiveness to yourself, I have learned that it is not bad to ask for help and how powerful teamwork is, thanks to TMTMTE I wrote my degree thesis ... My God I can say it, Thanks to Transformers I got graduated! And finally, thanks to MTMTE transformers I still find the strength to continue doing what I like, which is to draw. That's why I decided to celebrate these last months of Transformers drawing my ten favorite characters and of course explaining why every Friday (of course the position 1 and 2 already know them, I'll leave you below the links if you're interested) because the end of this wonderful saga will also mark the end of a stage of my life and is that the truth, without TMTMTE I would be a completely different person and that is why it is and always will be one of my favorite series.

Top Ten

1.-Prowl    

If you have read any of the wreckers comics then you know that Prowl is a bastard. He is not a noble, kind, or honest hero, I can not even call him good. Actually Prowl is a villain who "fortunately" plays for the good side. If I had to define Prowl in a word that would be hate. He hates the decepticons, he hates the new cybertron, he hates his leader/friends for not listening him, even I think that sometimes he hates himself, his life and especially his failures and that's why I love it. I love the contradiction and the final message of Prowl: hatred has turned him into what he most detests. Ironically, Prowl is more decepticon than many cons and at the same time that hate is the fuel that drives him to improve every new plan and fight for a future and a peace that may get to destroy him. He is cruel, manipulative and ruthless but also has moments of weakness and even compassion ................. although he is still a bastard and has not been able to overcome his ex-boyfriend. I love Prowl because he is not a character, he is a person, he is very real and very human and the world and his own decisions have made him into what he is today.

2.- Starscream    

    Leaving megatron aside, my favorite decepticon is Starscream. Either in comics or in the animated series Screamer always amuses me and always manages to make me smile ... basically because I love to see him fail in everything he does. I do not joke, either bad luck or his own ambition always make him fail. If Prowl is hatred, Starscream is ambition. he reminds me a little the homuncle of FMAB Greed, he wants it all, power, wealth, fame, fear, respect and especially the decepticon leadership.

He knows he is the best option to be the leader of the decepticons and he is an incredibly ruthless person who does not hesitate to lie, murder and manipulate everyone to meet their own whims but like Prowl Star is much more than just ambition. I'm not going to say that he's not so bad or he can redeem himself or some stupidity of the style (I really hate that) but Starscream has a reason to be like that. He is an incredibly lonely person who has struggled to survive before, during and after the war. He has learned that he can not count on anyone because sooner or later they will betray him and that is why he only sees the people around him as pawns. He's logic: if you do not approach or attach to anyone they can not betray you. deep down he knows that sooner or later his bad deeds will overtake him and he must prepare himself.

And yet Starscrean has virtues as great as his flaws: he is incredibly determined and hardworking, when he wants something he does not skimp on resources, time or effort in getting it, he is extremely intelligent (probably not as much as Prowl but he is a force to have in account) and he always learns from his mistakes. I would say that's why he has had such a long reign in comics and even has moments of humanity and genuine compassion. Maybe he really wants to redeem himself ... but he knows that he is beyond all salvation and that for him it is too late.

3.-Cyclonus

The truth is that this is a character that I find it hard to talk about, basically because he is someone I love so much and I identify so much that I block myself. 

I will start strong: Cyclonus is my perfect waifu, he is a revision to the classic stereotype of the solitary warrior and constantly reminds us that every age, however dark or terrible it may have been, created beauty. Fuck, Cyclonus loves any form of art: music, writing, architecture and also he is a killing machine that can slice just about anyone, what else could you ask for? And in spite of him being so cultured he has a huge darkness inside him, of course Cy is fully aware of that and always tries to channel it ... with mixed results.

But the truth is that the feature with which I most identify with cyclonus is his sense of honor and loyalty, that is something that resonates a lot with me. The moment that I see Cyclonus is willing to do him on the side in order to ensure the happiness of the person he loves the most is something that makes my throat tighten. Besides that his relationship with Tailgate is the best yaoi I've read, let's be honest and he has the best sentence ever written. you want to know? You will have to read the comic because the spoiler is not from God.

4.- Megatron

Of course Megsi was to be in my topten, he is almost a god in my pantheon (sorry optimus). I love all the incarnations of Megatron except for the transformers prime novel (seriously, a revolutionary who hates the primes but he wants to be a prime …. what the hell?) But my favorite so far is the IDW Megatron , he is a very complex character that goes through different stages: fallen, self-discovery, acceptance, temptation, redemption … all a carousel of emotions. He pass from being a ruthless murderer to a pacifist in constant conflict with himself. Although my favorite aspect about megatron is its moral: we all deserve a second chance … but redeption is not as easy as bowing your head and apologizing. Throughout MTMTE and LL Megs works every minute of his life to redeem his mistakes even when he knows they are too big and as he advances towards his death he knows perfectly well that there is a possibility that no one will forgive him but that does not stop him. Megatron words always resonate strongly within me: We are all work in progress.

5.- RungMy second perfect waifu and a cinnamon roll too pure for this world. Rung is the most adorable autobot ever drawn … until he takes off his glasses and becomes the greatest latinlover ever created. But leaving aside my inclination for robots, Rung is an incredible character, I know that many joke about the theory which says that Rung is the self-inception of Roberts, but I think that rather Rung is the connection with the reader. He is a character that has been kept at bay from most problems by having a very convenient good luck, he is skinny, short, lovable, sometimes too much kind and he prefers conversation rather than confrontation but he is not weak On the contrary, Rung has incredible mental and emotional strength. he has not only endured that everyone, absolutely ALL mispronounce his name at least once, Rung listens to the problems and confessions of others around him to make a living; he literally knows the worst of all, he knows the darkness that dwells within each of his companions … and that never stops him from helping or comforting others. If I had to define the role of Rung in some archetype that would be the maternal one. Of course there are parents in fiction who are loving and protective, but the mother figure always ends up being kinder, the comforter and the one that drives you to improve and that is precisely the raxon for which I love Rung.I have met many maternal characters but what makes the difference with Rung (besides being male) is the moment in which (spoiler alert) during the kidnapping of Fortress Maximus, Rewind reproduces a part of the torture in Garrus 9 and Max, realizing that he is doing exactly the same as Overlord and reliving those horrible memories, he throws himself to the ground to mourn and Rung, with a patience of a saint, despite the kidnapping and even though Max had yanked his thumb out… he surrounds him with a kind arm and tells him that everything will be fine and everything ends for today. That’s something my mother could have done.Because deep down Rung is that, he is kindness and he teaches us the strength found in compassion and as the functionalist universe demonstrates, Rung possesses incredible strength of character and determination and he is capable of giving his life to save those who he care … and that’s a large number of people.

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I fucking love u take care of ur body!

Hi I love you please get your flu shot! I want you to stay safe and healthy and not be miserable! I want you to feel good and successful, and I know getting sick can throw everything all into chaos, at the very least. Influenza can also be very dangerous and even kill you, or someone you love who is immunocompromised. (That means their immune system can't fight as hard as it should, if you weren't quite sure!

Now I'm gonna tell you a little bit about the flu shot in a grossly oversimplified way! If you're super interested in this, or super knowledgeable and better at explaining things than I am, and/or you want to fact check me, please feel free! I'm just trying to break this down in the metaphors and explanations I personally resonate with, in the methods I learned in college to best understand this without being too science-y and convoluted.

The flu shot won't give you 'the mini-flu' because that's not how it makes you safe! It's not quite the same as, say, getting the chicken pox on purpose as a kid, as all of the gen-x-ers, almost all of the millennials, and even some of the zoomers did, so you don't get it as an adult; that's contracting a live, fully functional virus when it was considered safer to do so (don't do this anymore! There is a chicken pox vaccine! Kids have died too, chicken pox is never completely safe!!!) because the ramifications, while severe and unpleasant, were much safer! It was not the best alternative, but it helped us not die at the time. The flu shot is NOT like that, when you dig any deeper into immunization. Immunization and tolerance, while very similar to us science laymen, are definitely not the same thing.

The flu shot (the most common way to get this vaccine, though there are other methods) has two compositions. The most common version is made up of a strain of the flu that we call 'inactivated' which is a polite way to say very, very dead. You're just showing your immune system the pattern(/corpse, as I like to think about it), and it's knitting (or performing construction on, building, creating a spell for, whatever you prefer!) a special flu-shaped net. It's just preparation, you're not making your body tolerate the flu. It's not iocane powder ;3 you don't have to build up an immunity; in fact, this is basically a shortcut to reasonable immunity without all the damage to your body that building up a tolerance can cause. Building a tolerance to a toxic substance or virus will... Probably just make you dead. 0/10 do not recommend.

The second, and SLIGHTLY less common but still completely safe and great, form of flu shot is just one single tiny gene from the influenza virus. There are eight genes total in Influenza A and B, which are the two most common flu viruses that affect humans. They all have an effect on making you sick and work as a team, but the gene they take from the virus is, to oversimplify, a blueprint. It does not, and cannot, infect you with the flu (as long as your immune system can handle vaccines, and if you know you have a condition that doesn't allow you to get vaccines, you already know all of this!) One single gene from a pumpkin does not a jack-o'-lantern canvas make. One single gene from your best friend is not the same thing as your best friend. It's just a little part of what they're made out of! You'd much prefer to chat with the whole person, I promise. Genes are terrible conversationalists. In the same way, you don't need to be afraid of one single gene from the flu virus, because it's just a building block! Singular genes are just as terrible at being viruses as they are at comforting you when you're down.

Some people report some mild side effects; soreness around the area of the shot, bit of a headache, very low-grade fever (technically within the flux of human temperature as it were!) and/or achy body. There are two very good pieces of information regarding this:

These side effects are not known to last more than two days, and in many people go away in the exact same day, and

In several blind studies where half of the sample population received the inactivated flu vaccine and half received a salt-water placebo, the ONLY symptom reported differently between the test groups was the localized reaction, a.k.a the swelling, redness and soreness of the injection site, which part of the body the person had the shot injected into.

This tells us that there is a good chance that, when you feel icky after you get your flu shot, it's just a placebo effect, or to grossly oversimplify again, its your subconscious telling you, "you know that was a shot. you know it had a 'disease' in it. you know diseases make you feel icky. feel icky right now you bastard I demand it and I will NOT stop until you acquiesce."

LASTLY, like I mentioned, some people can't get the flu shot! You might get the flu and get so lucky that you are okay, you recover and go back to your life. But maybe, before you started feeling sick but after the flu started living in your body, you picked up an item at the grocery store, realized you didn't really need it, and put it back. Then, the caretaker for a person with cancer (or literally any other medical condition that affects your immune system, including being on prescription immunosuppressants) went shopping for them and picked up that same item. they brought it home, along with the flu virus that was on your hands from blowing your nose or coughing or just scratching your face. You'll never know it, but that person with cancer just might die of the flu. They were so busy trying to beat that cancer that their immune system just couldn't handle fighting off the flu as well. I'm not saying this to make anyone feel guilty. As sad as it is, and as incredibly specific as that example is (because it happened to someone I was close to), it happens, and other situations where germs were spread accidentally, more often than you think. if we don't educate people of the sad possibilities, those sad possibilities will become sad realities, more often than not. Now that you know this, you can do something about it! You can protect yourself, your loved ones and strangers.

And if you're thinking to yourself, "that person knew they had a compromised immune system! Why weren't they more careful?!" Then I have some news for you.

That is a VERY selfish and not nice thought, and I know you have more compassion than that! This world doesn't exist for abled people with zero health concerns only. It isn't fair AT ALL to expect someone to never interact with anything or anyone that hasn't been sanitized and health tested. Isolation leads to depression, hallucinations and suicide. Disabled people don't deserve to die because they are disabled. People with terminal diseases deserve to make the absolute best of their time here. They deserve it so fucking much, to live just as fulfilling a life as everyone else. They deserve your respect, NOT your pity. They aren't mistakes, and they aren't a 'situation' for you to shove into a corner and throw a tarp over so you don't have to think about things that inconvenience you. What I'm saying is, your choosing convenience, in combination with exhibiting a lack of consideration for others, can kill.

It is literally impossible to do the aforementioned living like bubble boy where nothing and no one can ever come in contact with you unless they are 100% positively without a doubt in no uncertain terms truly honestly unquestionably free of every contaminant that could harm the immunocompromised individual. Like, if you don't believe me, try it. You can't do it. Even if your life depended on it. The world is full of random variables and sudden surprises, and humans can make mistakes in the most dire of situations. Master swordsmiths have cut off their fingers. construction workers that have been working construction for 45 years have slipped off of scaffolding and fallen to their deaths. Doctors have accidentally nicked arteries and killed their patients on the table, despite having the steadiest hands in all the land, the most compassion and understanding for their patients and the most dedication to their Oath. Accidents and mistakes happen to everybody. Now imagine if every move you made was a scalpel cut that could nick an artery. That's what it's like living severely and lethally immunocompromised. At least, that's what it was like for me. Every single move you make could be a death sentence. Every new item in your house could contain the one little seed that pushes you over the edge.

SO! Now, if you didn't know before, you know the BASIC science behind the flu shot, why it's totally safe for you and morally necessary if you care about others, and why you should get one! It's good for YOU and YOUR safety because its not a super low probability that you will die (especially if, like me, you are low-income), and it's also about others and their health. It's about everyone. You can get them for as cheap as free from many clinics, or for like $4 at Walgreens, if you're in the States! I haven't got much information for outside the states, so if you live in a country that isn't the US, please help me learn!

I LITERALLY LOVE YOU. PLEASE BE SAFE AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND HAVE A GOOD WEEK AND TREAT YOURSELF TO SOMETHING NICE, BUY SOMETHING OR TAKE A NICE BATH OR DO A THING YOU LOVE, AND JUST TRY TO REMEMBER THAT I SAID YOURE VERY IMPORTANT AND THE WORLD WOULD LITERALLY SUCK MAJOR BALLS IF YOU WEREN'T IN IT. I would personally be crushed. No joke.

If you read all of this, thank you so much. I know it's long, but it's so important, it's so necessary and it's so easy!

DEAR SUGAR, THE RUMPUS ADVICE COLUMN #85: WE CALL THIS A CLUSTERFUCK BY SUGAR

Dear Sugar, I recently had sex with a guy who has a complicated history with a friend of mine. I knew sleeping with him would hurt my friend’s feelings, and so I told her I wouldn’t. She didn’t ask me not to sleep with him, but it was implied. She would make references to “his crush on me” and once asked him if we had had a threesome with this other girl. Long story short, I broke my promise. I meant what I said to my friend at the time, Sugar, but I failed. The man in question is a good guy. I enjoyed spending time with him and let’s just say my conjugal bed has been rather empty of late. My desire outweighed the potential hurt I knew my actions would cause. The guy and my friend have had many conversations since I slept with him, and they appear to have made up, whereas my friendship with her is still on shaky ground. I think it will normalize eventually, but I already feel like our friendship is something that’s not that important to her. I don’t even know if it’s all that important to me either. Very recently, my step-dad had a heart attack. It was his second. It made me think about gravity and consequence and trivialities, and that if this one night of problematic sex forever alters or negates all the other ways I’ve been a good friend to her, then so be it. If that’s the case, our friendship wasn’t meant to last, and I have more important things to worry about. But at the same time I can’t help but wonder if I am losing my humanity a little. Because today, an ex/friend of mine basically said she hadn’t completely forgiven me for hurting her six years ago. I cheated on her like the dumb 22-year-old I was, and I have apologized a thousand times since then. We weren’t friends for a while, but we became good friends again eventually. Until today, I was operating under the assumption that we were okay. To hear her say she relates to me differently, that she withholds information from me because of how I behaved years ago, makes me profoundly sad and angry. Forgiveness isn’t something piecemeal to me, but clearly I am upsetting people in ways that have staying power. What does it mean if someone forgives you, but never forgets? I feel both horrible and stubborn. And I don’t know how much of this anger is due to acknowledging potentially ugly truths about myself—that I value desire at the expense of my friendships; that I can’t seem to learn from past mistakes; that I am a person others deem untrustworthy. The last one stings the worst, and is a doubt I expressed to the guy shortly after our tryst. “She never trusted you,” he said, which was a confirmation of my fears, if not a self-fulfilling prophecy. I would probably have done the same thing, given another opportunity. And I don’t know if that should worry me or if it makes me some kind of pleasure addict or just a terrible friend. I don’t regret my recent behavior, but should I? Am I throwing away solid friendships for stupid sexual gratification? Part of me feels selfish even writing to you, because I know you’ll call me honey bun and make me feel better when I don’t deserve it. Friend Or Foe *** Dear Sugar, I have two friends who I love dearly. One is a man I’ve known since we were teenagers. A few years ago, he and I started a brief non-monogamous romance. He then fell in love with another woman, who he rightly chose over me. Though I knew we were meant to be friends instead of romantic partners, my feelings for him ran deep, so I was crushed. Eventually the pain subsided, and we became closer as friends. The other friend is a woman I admire greatly as a writer and as a person. She’s witty, sexy, brilliant. We support each other through romantic traumas and laugh constantly whenever we’re together. She was there to comfort me when my male friend told me he had met someone else. She sat with me as I unabashedly cried in public in the middle of downtown San Francisco. Recently, these two friends met and hit it off. He started joking about sleeping with her. (He is single now.) I told my male friend that this idea made me feel uncomfortable, but he dismissed my worries. I didn’t press the issue because my female friend swore that she would never sleep with him. She said this to me, repeatedly, emphatically, even when I didn’t ask her. While I was over my attraction to this guy, the history was still a little too fresh, and I wasn’t finished processing the heartbreak. She saw how it was still affecting me. I trusted her. But it happened anyway. They slept together. When my male friend told me, I got very upset; I yelled at him for the way he’d dismissed my feelings in the past. We talked on several very long phone calls, and by the end of it I felt heard, valued and respected. He also forced me to come to terms with my jealousy and lack of claim I have over others’ actions. Since then, I’ve had to do a lot of hard looking at my own insecurity and desire for control. Two weeks later, when my female friend apologized for breaking the promise she had made to me, I told her I no longer thought I’d had a right to that promise in the first place, even though it hurt and angered me when she broke it. She had done what she felt was right for her, and now I had to figure out what was right for me: taking time and space. Part of me felt at peace with this conclusion. But by that point, I also felt so emotionally exhausted by the whole situation, and so disgusted with myself, I wasn’t even sure I deserved an apology from anyone. Sugar, I’m conflicted. I know what they did wasn’t morally wrong; I’ve felt desire before for the exes of friends, and the friends of exes. These two friends have a relationship that’s independent of me. Still, I was so hurt. And the worst part is, I’m ashamed of my hurt. I’m ashamed of the jealousy I didn’t know was still in me, even eighteen months after the romance ended. I want to be the person who can gracefully take joy in the fact that two people I love were able to share some sexy fun. I want to believe that the hurt is all in my possessive, competitive little brain, so I can just change myself and get over it. All I do now is beat myself up, for whatever choice I make. My internal compass on this matter is so broken. I need your wise, soothing words. Love,
Triangled Dear Women, A couple of years ago the Baby Sugars got into a vicious fight over the decapitated head of a black-haired plastic princess. My son was all but frothing at the mouth. My daughter screamed so hard for so long I thought the neighbors were going to call the cops. The decapitated head in question was about the size of a gumball, its neck not a proper neck, but rather an opening into which a tiny interchangeable torso was meant to be snapped. This torso was either the ancient female Egyptian my daughter was holding in her hand or the sultry skirted girl pirate my son was holding in his. Hence the uproar. Neither of them could be convinced to relinquish their claim on the decapitated head of the black-haired plastic princess, no matter how gently or sternly or maniacally I explained that they could take turns, each of them attaching the head to “their torso” for short periods of time. Likewise, they refused to be consoled by any one of the countless items that clutter the room they share—not the bin of agates or the wooden daggers; not the stuffed kittens or alphabet flashcards; not the foam swords or half-trashed markers; not the ballerinas or Roman warriors or monkeys or fairy statuettes or fake golden coins or movie-inspired action figures or unicorns or race cars or dinosaurs or tiny spiral-bound notebooks or any other damn thing in the whole motherloving universe but the decapitated head of the black-haired plastic princess. It’s mine, my daughter shrieked. I was playing with it first, countered my son. It’s special to me, wailed my daughter. She plays with my special toys all the time, my son bellowed. I talked and reasoned and made suggestions that soon became commands, but really, ultimately, there was nothing to be done. There was one head and two torsos. The indisputable fact of that was like a storm we had to ride out until all the trees were blown down. I begin with this allegorical snippet from Chez Sugar not because I think your individual and joint struggles regarding your friendship are as infantile as a tussle over a toy, but rather because I think it’s instructive to contemplate in essential terms our desire to have not only what is ours, but what also belongs to those we love, and not only because we want those things for ourselves, but because we want the other person not to have them. That fervor is age-old and endless and a gumball-size piece at the core of what we’re grappling with here and I invite you both to ponder it. We all have a righteous claim to the decapitated head of the black-haired plastic princess. We believe she is ours alone to hold. We refuse to let her go. Before we begin disentangling your situation in earnest, I’ll say right out that I’m quite sure if the two of you continue talking silently to yourselves about this crappy and weird thing that happened with the man I’m going to go ahead and call The Foxy Fellow you’re going to regret it. And more than that, you’re going to hatch a whole slew of increasingly distorted beliefs about what went down and what that means and who did and said what and it will not only make you miserable and sad and bitter, it will also rob you of a friend who you really should be sitting on a porch with ten years in the future, laughing about what knuckleheads you were back in the day. You both did something you basically know wasn’t so great. Your desires and fears and failings and unreasonable expectations and things you won’t admit to yourselves clicked into each other as neatly as a plastic head does into a plastic torso and when you put them together you both got pinched. The same thing happened to you from different points of view. With whom should our sympathies lie? On which woman’s shoulders should the greatest blame be placed? In what directions do the arrows of your narratives flow? How best do you find your way out of this place? These are the questions I asked myself as I pondered your letters. Every time I tried to straighten the stories out in my head they got all tangled up instead. I made charts and lists with bullet points. I took a piece of paper and literally drew a map. I turned your Foxy Fellow imbroglio into a pair of mathematical equations of the sort I never learned how to do properly in school (which utterly frees me to use them for my own whimsical literary purposes). Here’s how they look. Friend or Foe: “I solemnly swear that I will never fuck The Foxy Fellow because my friend still has tender and territorial feelings for him and I don’t want to hurt her” + [I am a caring person and fucking The Foxy Fellow would compel me to question the sort of person I believe myself to be] + fucked The Foxy Fellow anyway = eek/ugh2 x [but perhaps, when I really think about it, my friendship with this woman is “not that important”] ÷ and yet there was that time I sat with her in downtown San Francisco while she bawled unabashedly > so – fuck this shit! + how dare she be mad at me! + I was a good to friend to her in every other way! + The Foxy Fellow has not even been her boyfriend for, like, EVER! + I am attracted to him! + he is attracted to me! + I’m not even 30 and my vagina is growing cob webs! + who the hell is she to say who The Foxy Fellow and I get to have sex with in the first place? < I am a terrible person and a selfish sex fiend [will the damning ex-girlfriend please present her testimony to the court?] ÷ cheated, yes + lied, yes + to ever be trusted or forgiven, no, never, not by any woman in any time for any reason whatsoever = you know what? Fuck those bitches! + I’d totally do The Foxy Fellow again! ≠ Except. Well. [Damn] Triangled: “The Foxy Fellow is a wonderful person” +  [we “broke up,” though we were never really together, never monogamous, even though he crushed my heart in this really hard-to-exactly-define-way for which I do not fault him because I didn’t have expectations—why would I have expectations? etc] ÷ it’s pretty clear to me that he wants to fuck my lovely woman friend who watched me bawl unabashedly over him in downtown San Francisco and this makes me feel like puking2 + [what is the meaning of monogamy? what is love? do we ever owe anyone anything when it comes to sex? why do I feel like puking if The Foxy Fellow is “only my friend”?] = accept adamant and profuse promises from my lovely woman friend regarding her plans to not fuck The Foxy Fellow x [sisterhood!] – allow The Foxy Fellow to brush me off when I express my wish he not fuck my lovely woman friend = cry/rage when they fail to not fuck + [how could they? she promised! I thought she was my friend! he never listened to me!] < long, difficult, ultimately satisfying conversation with The Foxy Fellow that makes me feel oddly closer to him [and worse about my puny, insecure, control freak, jealous, uncool, dumbass, competitive, needy self2] x short, unproductive, decidedly cool conversation with my lovely woman friend [doesn’t it seem like she should be sorrier than this?/what right do I have to an apology? since when do I get to say who fucks whom?/but she promised!] ÷ fantasize that my lovely woman friend will take a long-term job in Korea + listen to my generation’s equivalent of Lisa Germano’s “Cancer of Everything” repeatedly while huddled into the pathetic ball of myself + [alternate with trying to cheerfully compose the phrase “to share some sexy fun” in relation to those two selfish assholes] ≠ Except. Well. [Damn] In the math ignorant world of Sugarland, we call this a clusterfuck. You are both wrong. You are both right. You both know you can do better than you did. The fact that you failed to do so equals nothing unless you learn something from this. So let’s learn it, sweet peas. Triangled, if it really hurts and enrages you that The Foxy Fellow fucks a friend of yours he isn’t your friend and you should not conduct yourself with him as such. He is your ex, the love you’ve yet to get over for reasons you may not be able to explain or justify even to yourself, the man who is an absolute no-go zone for anyone who’s even remotely in your inner circle. Lose the but-we’re-just-friends-now/free-love mumbo jumbo and own up to what you actually feel: if The Foxy Fellow is fucking anyone, you don’t want to be hanging out with her. Not yet. Not now. Maybe not ever. At the very least, heal your heart before you go introducing The Foxy Fellow to your friends, especially those you’d describe as “witty, sexy, brilliant.” And then brace yourself. Though it may seem that Friend or Foe’s choice to break her promise and fuck The Foxy Fellow is what caused all this pain, her actions are not at the root of your sorrow. What’s at the root is the fact that you failed to recognize and honor your own boundaries. You tried to have it both ways. You wanted to be the woman who could be friends with a man she’s not over, but you are not that woman. I understand why you want to be her, darling. She’s one cool cat. She’s the star of the show. She doesn’t take anything personally. But you are not her. And that’s okay. You are your own fragile, strong, sweet, searching self. You can be sad a guy you sort of fell for didn’t fall for you. You don’t have to be a good sport. You don’t have to pretend you’re okay with sharing your interesting and beautiful friends with The Foxy Fellow, even if you feel like a puny asshole not being okay with it. You can say no. But the thing is, you have to say it. You have to be the woman who stands up and says it. And you have to say it to the right person too. Not to the lovely friend who can’t possibly keep the promises she’s made to you while swimming in the shared waters of your wishy-washy ache for affirmation and orgasms, but to the man himself. Yes, The Foxy Fellow. The one who is, but who is not, your friend. You have to live with the uncomfortable reality that it’s from him—not her!—that you need time and space. And then you have to take it, hard as it is, come what may. Friend or Foe, you made a choice you knew would hurt someone who trusted you—a choice, it’s worth noting, you explicitly vowed not to make—and afterwards you justified that choice with reasons you could’ve more thoughtfully discussed with her beforehand. This makes you neither “a pleasure addict” nor “a terrible friend.” It makes you someone who did what most people would do in this situation at this moment in your life—a woman who took what she wanted instead of pondering what she needed. You are at once blameless in this and entirely responsible. You were sort of set up by Triangled and you were also basically a jerk to her. The reason all that other junk came up in your post-Foxy Fellow contemplations—(your ex, your feelings of being eternally punished for having wronged her, your sense that your friend never trusted you either)—is that, contrary to your claim that you don’t regret what you did, you know you could have done this differently, better, or not at all. What’s at stake here is not only your friendship with Triangled, but also your own integrity. You promised you would not hurt someone you cared for. You hurt her anyway. What do you make of that? What would you like to take forward from this, honey bun? Do you want to throw up your hands and say oh well or do you dare to allow this experience to alter your view? We all like to think we’re right about what we believe about ourselves and what we often believe are only the best, most moral things—ie: of course I would never fuck The Foxy Fellow because that would hurt my friend! We like to pretend that our generous impulses come naturally. But the reality is we often become our kindest, most ethical selves only by seeing what it feels like to be a selfish jackass first. It’s the reason we have to fight so viciously over the decapitated head of the black-haired plastic princess before we learn how to play nice; the reason we have to get burned before we understand the power of fire; the reason our most meaningful relationships are so often those that continued beyond the very juncture at which they came the closest to ending. I hope that you’ll do that, dear women, even if it takes you some time to stagger forward. I don’t know if your friendship is built to last a lifetime, but I know the game is worth the candle. I can see you on that ten-years-off porch. Yours, Sugar