I saw this slightly-old post making the rounds recently by former alt-right memelord Walt Bismark, on how the alt-right "won" in the late 2010's - positing that as the cause of why it generally vanished. I agree overall with the vanishing part, its not gone-gone ofc but it waned as a cohesive movement. But I saw a lot of people (and generally not alt-right figures) agreeing with its conclusion and I am a bit more skeptical of those.

Its largely a personal essay so I wont address most of it, but it has a summary of five main points that outline essentially "the agenda of the Alt Right at the beginning" to evaluate success upon. Bismark thinks they won on all five, but overall I think this is playing a trick of inventing an enemy to claim you defeated. Anyway, the points:

1: Shift the “Overton Window” of acceptable public discourse to make it politically viable to openly discuss the interests of white people in mainstream politics, in the same way black people or Jewish people discuss their collective interests. 

This one I will grant a partial victory - there was a legitimate intensification of "white as identity" in politics, a making explicit what was implicit in the 2010's. Now ofc I consider this to be a classic horseshoe moment; the hard left at the time was also extremely interested in abandoning race neutrality and valorizing racial identity as an organizing principle, and did it in a very ham-fisted way that the right capitalized on, so it was an easy battle to win - but that is what it is, ofc the wider environment defined the goals & strategy. I mention it however because I do think this is only partial, and the gap between implicit and explicit isn't that relevant. He mentions as an example of this success:

Affirmative action was of course squashed by SCOTUS and the necessary legal infrastructure is being deployed to burn it down. Mainstream conservatives are mobilizing a lot of resources and energy to this end.

But conservatives have been fighting affirmative action for 20+ years, easily. Here is a 1999 article on precisely such a campaign, I literally just googled "conservatives affirmative action [year]" and I get results each time, 2003 had big cases (the Bollinger cases) on AA, etc. I remember "affirmative action bake sale" memes from like 2006 at my uni! What changed between Bollinger and 2023's Students for Fair Admissions v. Harvard is that conservatives had just had enough time to stack courts, and wait for Supreme Court justices to die. That just...takes time to do! The strategy hadn't changed between 2003 and 2023. And meanwhile, did they win? They won that court case, sure. What do you...think the ethic makeup of the next Harvard class is gonna be? Wanna take some bets?

His other listed victories are things like:

"Vivek defended the Great Replacement Theory on national television and remained a major Trump surrogate. The SPLC would have marginalized him for that 10 years ago. Today because of polarization and MAGA closing ranks they can’t do shit."

And like, the Southern Poverty Law Center would have successfully marginalized a Republican politician in idk 2003 are you completely high right now? Strom Fucking Thurmond was an active Senator in 2003! This is the repeated tactic here, the imagined enemies - there was never a time where liberal institutions could consistently force conservative politicians to kowtow, so you can't claim it as a change.

This is why I mention the social justice horseshoe, because he has this point here:

These days you can complain about quotas etc. being unfair to you as a white man and it’s not inflammatory or low status among centrists and conservatives. Even non-woke liberals won’t really hate you for it, just quietly think you’re a bit of a chud. This was not the case in 2015. 

And this is partially correct, I agree there was some norm shift. But that is because in ~2010 there really weren't any quotas against white men, it wasn't a thing almost anywhere outside of university applications, so the complaint would make no sense. What happened was that starting in ~2012 a huge left cultural movement started that just openly supported active discrimination against whites, Asians and men. They were a small minority of course, and never had much power, but they got enough power in certain institutions like non-profits and universities that there was a string of just very obvious cases of clear racial discrimination against in particular whites & asians (both men and women, white women often got it very bad in this wave). And the large majority of people just saw that and went "uh yeah racism is still bad?" and so now you can say that because its actually relevant to say. From that lens, is this a successful cultural victory on the part of the alt-right? In some sense sure, but really its more a cultural failure of the hard left. The status quo just kept on chugging along.

Ugh that point went long, the others repeat so we will go through them quicker.

2: Elevate identity issues like anti-immigration and the promotion of traditional gender norms to the center of Republican politics. 

A fake enemy here - anti-immigration was already a huge issue for Republicans in the 2000's. It had a huge wave under Obama actually, it goes in cycles like that. And it responds to material conditions; it's a big issue again right now because the immigration numbers spiked massively under Biden, its just way worse of a problem now (primarily due to the booming economy of course). Again a partial victory for the first part, I agree its more salient due to Trump platforming it, but I'm skeptical that it is a big shift - people are memory-holing the Tea Party movement really badly here for example.

And the second point is just obviously false, Republicans always cared about that, and they care about it less now, giving up the ghost on gay marriage for example. The Alt-Right coincided with a decline of the influence of the Religious Right, and it shows on this issue, 0 points.

3: Make it socially acceptable to discuss HBD and the resulting moral implications for leveling mechanisms like affirmative action. 

Peak "log off" moment, it was always acceptable to discuss this outside of liberal/professional circles and there it still isn't acceptable to discuss it. Charles Murray wrote the Bell Curve in 1994 and his been an American Enterprise Institute Scholar for this entire span of time. This is confusing churn for change - the mid-2010's had a bunch of big, mainly online fights about HBD, and then everyone just sort of moved on with the status quo pretty much unchanged. Nothing like education policy, even in Republican circles, has shifted over this.

4: Convince conservatives to stop ceding moral authority to liberals and allowing them to determine who on the Right is verboten or beyond the pale. Make it unacceptable among conservatives to “punch Right” or purge people for wrongthink. 

Sigh, again when have Republicans ever ceded moral authority to liberals? Harvard University could not condemn Newt Gingrich in ~2009 and make him change his mind about anything. And "Republicans don't self-criticize while Liberals eat themselves alive" has been a complaint for literally decades, you would hear that as far back as say Clinton and things like the 1999 WTO protests. Its both true and exaggerated - the Tea Party primaried Republican candidates for wrongthink in 2010, and Trump did the same thing! With disastrous results for the Republicans in 2022. I really, really don't think you can look at Trump's Republican party and say they solved the Wrongthink problem.

5: Expose and dismantle the hypocritical attitude that allows neocons to militantly support Israeli ethnonationalism while brutally repressing any white identity politics domestically.

This one is just a lolwut moment, "brutally repressing any white identity politics domestically", like what does that even mean? Name the concrete policy proposals George Bush implemented in 2007 than Donald Trump didn't in 2018 around this topic. Again a fake enemy, they were never repressed by the right, and ofc are still hated by liberal institutions like universities.

Moving on from any specific point, I think its very telling that very little about free trade vs protectionism or isolationism/support of autocracy abroad enters this list. Because beyond immigration those are the big shifts the Trump movement (which is the mechanism the alt-right has to claim for making its impact) has ushered into the party. They didn't change its stance on sexual politics or "race & IQ" or anything, those haven't changed, but meanwhile the party has completely flipped on things like tariffs or opposition to Russian military expansion. But of course those don't align neatly at all with the issues the Alt-Right fought about in 2015.

The reality the Alt-Right can't escape is that they used Trump as their mechanism for change, and Trump never really cared about any of their goals beyond immigration. He used them and then pursued either bog-standard Republican policy or his own mercurial, autocratic whims, eventually channeling all of this energy into election denialism. I really don't think if you pulled aside frikkin Ryan Faulk in 2014, asked him to put down his graphs about Raven's Progressive Matrices of black Caribbean students, and said "Hey 10 years from now all of this energy is being channeled into pretending that a failed real estate mogul didn't lose the 2020 presidential election", that he would look at that outcome and think Mission Accomplished.

I don't want to fully oversell, there are for example wins Bismark doesn't mention (School choice comes to mind, the biggest conservative win of the past decade besides the protectionist swing). The Alt Right was an influential movement, it earned its place in history. But I do not think it is an example of being a "victim of its own success". I think instead it should be understood as part of the "radical froth" of the 2010's, that bubbled over and then evaporated like its more intense leftwing peers did. It made some mark and then got left in the dust.

Net ranking of the 5 points: 0.5 for Point 1, 0.25 for Point 2, 0 for the rest, 1.25/5.

STONE COLD HEART. — alhaitham

@/stygianoir said : For your 800 event what about Stone cold heart?

— CONTENT ; alhaitham x gn!reader. modern au, bodyguard au and little angst. reader goes clubbing, alcohol consumption + slightly intoxicated reader, a sugestive comment from alhaitham (barely), profanities and pining. wc; 1.1k

— NOTES ; a part of my 800 followers event (and we're now at 1.7k lmao). breaking my hiatus for a while bcs istg i am almost done with my pre-uni and then will be moving on to my degree life on sep/oct, and the fact that some links are being wonky on my masterlist atm makes me half mad at tumblr :')

you didn't quite remember how you ended up being pulled away from the club.

in your hazy state, the only thing you remembered was how strict your father was, practically banning you to enjoy the night life for once, but all he said was no and then you sneaked out of your house, aimlessly walking around until you headed to the infamous club nearby.

all you wanted was freedom from this shitty political life you never ever wanted, but by gods, your father was so delusional of your own safety that he hired a bodyguard for you.

it took you a whole solid 45 minutes just to get pass through the security of the whole mansion, but how could you forget that your own personal bodyguard was so efficient in his work? you must have hit your head for thinking that you succeeded in escaping his watch before you arrived at the club and downing mutiple small shots by yourself.

at the end of the day, it was easy for him to track you down.

alhaitham could only gaze at you from the corner, his stare was nothing more than a blank one as he watched you shut off some mere strangers' pitiful attempts at hitting you and your lonely figure by the counter.

you were definitely drunk, he concluded.

the moment you got up to hit the dance floor, alhaitham followed you from behind. his dark outift made everyone almost cowered with fear as he straight walked up to you, who on the other end, didn't even notice the stares everyone was giving.

and here you thought you were smart enough to live by your own when you couldn't even manage to read the room.

he stopped in his track when you turned around, somehow overlooked his broad figure in front of you as you searched for anyone, literally anyone to join you for the dance because as you perceived, where was the fun in dancing alone when you could get a companion?

you were definitely not in your right mind when you pulled alhaitham, pulling super embarassing stunts and then you were out of your trance as you heard an eerily familiar voice coming from above your head.

"having fun yet? or am i tempting enough that you want me?"

you flinched when you noticed it was alhaitham all along, in all his glory when you saw how lifeless his eyes were, and then you glared at him before rudely telling him to fuck off, to be back at his home instead of stalking you like a freak.

"do you really have to go all the way to report me back at your own boss?" you jabbed a finger onto his chest before alhaitham gripped your wrist to stop you, not even seemed to be affected by all your rude commentaries at him.

you knew better than anyone not to make alhaitham angry—after all, he was your personal bodyguard for a reason—but it was infrutiating at this point that he was stuck by your side almost everyday for the rest of your life.

he was certainly not a fun person to be with. his loyalty was second to none at your own father. maybe they had history of some sorts during his contract agreement with your father that made him did a really good job in protecting you, but it was a rumour you didn't really find interesting enough.

he was emotionless. never even gave you some slack, and you hated his heartless persona.

"you are lucky that i do not tell my boss yet," he countered.

"fuck you," you spitted, yanking your wrist away before leaving him alone.

the liquid courage definitely got you now, as alhaitham could only observe you from afar. it was his job after all.

you were uncomfortable. knowing his presence was lingering all this time made you felt insecure under his watchful eyes somewhere in the dim glow of the area.

you didn't know what really get into your mind but when you shoved down more of the bitter drink into your throat and shamelessly flirting with this super cute guy behind the bar, you knew your action was ticking him off.

"enough," alhaitham interrupted you from taking in another glass. "you are going to get really sick next morning."

you heart somehow dropped at his last sentence.

"since when do you care about my well-being?" you snickered, feeling slightly horrible that you poured your frustration on alhaitham the moment he let go of your drink. your father was the one who unknowingly turned you into a rebellious kid, and alhaitham was just doing his job.

and then you remembered all those times alhaitham sided with your father. no, he was still a cold person, never even pitying you that you couldn't have enough self-expression in your life.

"before he finds you, you should go home," he indirectly broke your train of thoughts.

"couldn't i... stay here for a while? or go somewhere else? it is suffocating to be trapped," you were hanging to the last thread of hope, but it all snapped when alhaitham looked down at you sitting on the stool, his eyes already gave you the answer.

"no," he pulled you off from the chair, and your own body somehow complied although your mind was telling you to stay.

sure, you were strictly physically attracted at him, but you hated how easy it was for him to drag you out of the club and then got you into the car.

and it was surprisingly easy for him to push you inside and strap in the seatbelt without any interference from you.

you somehow got emotional when you realised how long you had been in the cycle—it was definitely the alcohol content that made you having all these mood swings—and how lonely you were despite having alhaitham being with you for the most part in your adulthood life.

and even if you broke down into tears for having your freedom to be stripped away from you by your own family, alhaitham could only focus on the road ahead although you couldn't contain the small cries.

it was hurting your from within, and it killed you to see that no single trace of emotions evident on alhaitham's face.

it was your fault for pining to someone who was known to have a cold heart, and it was definitely ripping your heart into pieces when the thought that how easy you fell for him won you over.

how easy it was when you did what your father wanted for alhaitham to secure his job. all this time, it was all for him. all for alhaitham's sake.

if only you could crack his heart open. if only.

if only you were brave enough to ask him to care for you, that you craved for his love since you were fifteen.

but alhaitham never saw you beyond that. and you blamed the alcohol in your system that you managed to find yourself under his grasp once again.

all rights reserved © genshinology 2023 strictly on tumblr only. any form of wrongdoings under the copyright law is strictly prohibited.

on the subject of our favorite fictional military men and drugs:

price definitely had a party-boy phase in college/uni, has definitely done acid before and, as big of a rule guy as he is, when he’s on leave for a good portion of time, he definitely tokes a little green here and there.

ghost actively refuses to willing do anything, given what his dad and brother went through, however he’s definitely accidentally eaten a pot brownie or two before when he was a rookie. (will never admit it, but he never felt so relaxed in his life)

soap SMOKES and he know all the tricks for pissing clean when he needs to. 100% lights up at some point on missions that get drawn out for months on end. probably also tried coke once

gaz smokes with soap and he refuses to smoke alone. he gets paranoid whenever he does but mainly only smokes with soap so that he can blame him for being a bad influence if they get caught (price knows he’s bs’ing when he catches them)

könig doesn’t smoke but he does dabble in edibles. can get away with it more often because he’s on a prescription for medical mj. preferred brownies and cookies because the chocolate masks the taste of the weed. also hates smoking alone so he frequently shares his baked good with the rest of kortac

YES YES YES // Send 141 4/20 headcanon >:-)) it’s a mandate of the holiday

Gaz not wanting to smoke alone is so good because I know he’s the one who always has something rolled. Is so fucking funny when he’s high too. Always so quick with his remarks, but they really get clever when he’s smoking.

Ghost is always side eyeing it, but he’s shamelessly snagged a gummy or two from Soaps stash. Sits in a bubbly bath and focuses on the gentle little pop, pop, pop of each one until he’s so relaxed he could slip down the drain. He buys fancy shit for the silky texture, but doesn’t realize how much the fragrances stick to him when he’s -literally- steeping in it. Nobody comments on him smelling so good but they do all linger around where he’s been, enjoying it.

Soap and Price have definitely run into each other on smoke breaks. Price would only be disappointed that Soap wasn’t sneaky enough. Taught you better didn’t I?

König definitely bakes his own, I bet his place reeeeks in the best way. Has to turn people down when they ask to buy them off him, only because he couldn’t keep up with demand. // Is the type to take an edible before a jog, start running and then be suddenly be petting cows in a field several towns away.

I have just watched some of the most heartbreaking, horrific videos of Palestinian people finding out their family has died. One was a young mother, her two children were martyred and her cries will forever remain imprinted in my brain.

People would say to me ‘just skip past them’ or ‘why do you watch them? you’re only making yourself upset’ and they are the same people who will repost one sympathy post on their Instagram because everyone else is doing it.

But there’s a reason to watch those videos.

It’s because I never want to be desensitised. I want to feel that pain, that anger, that grief for people I never knew, mourn the lives of those who I’ve never heard of. I want to remember them.

Remember every single Palestinian life.

And I always think to myself, as I wipe away another fallen tear, that the pain I feel, as a stranger thousands of miles away, sitting comfortably in my room that I never fear will collapse in on me at any moment, the pain I feel is not even an ounce of the mothers and fathers and aunties and uncles and grandparents and children who have lost their family.

It makes me fucking sick to see the propaganda used against these people. I’m so fucking sick of the same question that’s always asked; Do you condemn Hamas?

No. I don’t. Happy? Is that the answer you want to hear? That I support what they’re doing?

Every child that has died is a tragedy. Every life lost at that music festival is a tragedy. But, Hamas aren’t the ones attacking here. They’re defending. They are the ones fighting back. israel has been the oppressors, the settlers, and the murderers. The lies and propaganda they spread around is sickening, to the point where CNN reporters lie in ditches in ‘israel’ to make it seem like they’re under attack, yet there’s people literally cycling by them like it’s a normal day.

To the point where israeli influencers post bullshit like ‘day in the life: we’re at war edition’ and shows her bitch ass making gluten free bread for the IDF because *gasp* they ran out! But there’s Palestinians who are carrying their dead children’s remains in plastic bags, who are storing bodies in ice cream trucks because there’s simply no more space.

Open your fucking eyes.

I went to a protest today, and I protested right outside of my university. And I felt guilty.

Why? Because I was scared someone would see me and I would get kicked out. And I hate myself for thinking of such stupid, trivial things like where I’m going to get my degree from when the Palestinians are wondering where they’re going to get their next sip of water.

I’ve come to the realisation that I seriously don’t give a fuck anymore. Kick me out of uni, arrest me, block my social media, never employ me.

I. Don’t. Care.

I will do anything and everything for the freedom of Palestine.

It’s Free Palestine until Palestine is Free. 🇵🇸

i'm actually going insane and think i'm on the verge of a meltdown

i have so much uni shit to take care of. i have to prepare TWO projects that are GROUP projects,, but i'll have to do those all by myself because the person i'm paired up with doesn't help. i can't work with this person, they don't pull their weight, don't work, they don't even try, and every time they open their mouth i find myself rolling my eyes because their input is just so... so... so dumb. so irrelevant. it literally does not help and usually sets us back a few minutes. i hate to say this because i don't want to sound arrogant, but we're just not on the same level.

so i have two group projects to do, all by myself. i actually prefer to be the one doing it because that way i can ensure it's exactly to my liking,,, but it's a shit ton of work load.

one of the projects is for a class that i was really enjoying - my test went pretty well and i did an amazing job. my teacher gave me back my grade and it was ABSOLUTE SHIT. when i confronted her about it, she told me why she hadn't given me a higher grade and explained what my answers seemed to lack. when she was done explaining, i figured that what she told me wasn't enough to take away so many points. it just wasn't justified. so now i need to write a stellar paper, all by myself even though it's a group one, to raise my grade.

i have another group project from another class,, i don't mind the group here, but some of the people don't really seem to work and it pisses me off because i'm very anxious when it comes to stuff like this. the earlier we get started, the better - they, however, like to postpone everything. last minute is their way to go, but it doesn't work for me and my ocd.

lastly, i have this one class that is so fucking hard, i didn't even know what to write in the test. i had a terrible grade (this had never happened before this year), and now i have to study my fucking ass off to get a mediocre grade just so i won't fail. this is an impossible class and everyone i know has only managed to go through it with like, the bare minimum of a grade result. and i can't drop my gpa score.

to top it all off, the international services at my uni are late as hell, and they sent me new stuff to fill out for my studying abroad candidature. thing is, they sent it today (03/04), and want me to have EVERYTHING filled out until 05/04. even though all of these documents imply sending out emails to at least 5 different people and praying to god they will reply on time.

so i'm overstressed, overworked, overexhausted,, all my free time has been spent working. i can't do the things that make me happy (reading, writing, etc), because i don't have the time,,, and since i can't do them, i'm miserable all the time.

honestly this is all so stressing and i honestly should be working but instead i'm venting here. i'm sorry, i really just needed to let it all out because i've been crying and panicking for the past hour because everything is getting worse and collapsing.

oh well

i still hope y'all have a wonderful day ahead <3

hi, i know you headcanon some pathologic characters to be homosexual, like Daniil, Artemy, Yulia, Stakh... what do you think their relationship with their sexuality were throughout their lives? also, i remember in one of your older answers you mentioned Daniil coming out to his mother... how exactly did that happen in your vision?

hello darling this reply has made tumblr give me that "there was an error processing your post" over 15 times now for no good reason. it's like it was too big at first but this is the same length and if you read this it means it sent. anyways.

i had posted something kiiinda similar here (below the cut) including bi characters (eva + the twins) but i had forgor to include stakh + by god i can repeat myself/elaborate (i love. repeating myself <3 for real honestly especially on this) so ooh baby here we

Dankovsky (longest because i'm writing about him so the thoughts are many) knew at a young age (like 11-12) he didn't like girls and instead did boys so he had to come to terms with it in some way Pretty Quickly. to me he was raised christian eastern orthodox, which like all christian denominations comes with its fair share of religious-specific homophobia, he wasn't particularly like. Thrilled per se. + the familial/ancestral culture comes with its own set of expectations around masculinity which homosexuality inherently challenges and the fact that he was already more into cello than like war as a kid made his father raise an eyebrow on him right. so from ages like 11-16, dankovsky was like Well i'm going to have to pretend i don't see it and hope the sky doesn't fall on my head. at around 17 it became evident that was IT really that truly what he was and there was nothing he could possibly do to not make it be this way. it came with a sort of like. acceptance that it just was going to be how it was, but he was already starting to think how he could push the Acting on It part long enough for him to maybe become busy with something else. i think as he grew up he shed the concept of "sin" as he actualized himself atheist so no "hate the sin love the sinner" for him, but you can't really pull the religious guilt out of a man raised religious ykwim. eventually as he accepted that He Was, and that by god it wasn't even a bad thing to be/started Embracing it as one more of his Transgressions (when it. not really is, a transgression comes with a degree of consciousness and will to violate a law or code, the fact that he's gay is just. how it is. that's him forever and that'd be him regardless of context etc), he started assimilating gay codes for himself (the red tie…) to be like. Yes. ykwim. he still had not met a gay person in his life so it truly felt like Him Against the World, but he started being more comfortable with the fact that he was gay. however, it still didn't stop him from started a whole… "i'm not in a relationship rn bc i'm focusing on my studies" mindset. at uni, he truly like. came into his own internally while still trying to maintain a certain ambiguousness outwardly. andrei saw right through that and, even if he's like not gay but bi, he was the first dude daniil met who was also (Loudly) into dudes. dankovsky owes andrei the first like. actual coming out to Someone else than his mommy when andrei would bait him into hanging out with other gay and bi men, dankovsky would sit in a corner not fuckin wit anyone just Soaking In The Homosexuality In The Air, and when andrei went "u got a problem with that? you homophobic?🤨" dankovsky had to go like "i don't have a problem with it at all… when it's other people" [implied: i might deal with it not too well when it's me myself]. and from that point on he was like ah fuck me [not literally] why do i bother being insecure about it. from ages 20+ he was still very much in his Married To My Work Era + as he founded Thanatica he tried to lay low to not get investigated and being very loudly homosexual was not the best way to "not make waves" so even as he settled in himself with the fact that Well he's gay and he's gonna be gay forever so he better live with it, he still stayed closeted for his safety. i think from ages 18 to current game-day 28, not getting laid pardon the frankness led to him developing like an internally Fucking Crazy relationship with love and eroticism and he might have kept himself from entering relationships because he needed someone who Understood He'd Want To Eat Him. (love wins!)

re:coming out to his momma i think she had had her Doubts for a while yknow has had her Doubts. his dad too, but from his dad's perspective it felt deeply Painful (bc when the son is gay it is the father's masculinity that is threatened.. i've spoken about it on the post i've linked in the beginning) whereas his mom didn't have that My Masculinity Threatened. dankovsky knew he was gay since age like 11-12 but only came out at around 14-15, when it became obvious for him and hard to ignore, especially as people begin to have little boyfriends and girlfriends at this age. he told his mom first because he was closest to her and she was like.

she believed him from the beginning because she had had her Doubts. for a while she didn't quite know what to do with this information as it all dawned on her that it likely meant no grandkids, no daughter-in-law to whom she could give her pretty jewelry and so on… but also i think she like. could relate her son's homosexuality to like. fucking Tchaikovsky. who attempted suicide because his marriage to a woman made him so miserable. so she was like… well. that's just how it is isn't it. she's just gonna have to make peace with it whether she likes it or not. i think eventually she came to the conclusion that she spent 9 months building him from her blood and bones and a full day putting him out in the world so it would be stupid to be mad at him for that. + that's god's doing isn't it. she can't be mad at god. and if god's mad at her son he can take it to himself. etc .

Burakh for the longest time um. Didn't know. i think he realized that about himself genuinely age 26 in the 12 days. he's going through an entire coming-of-age/coming-into-place story and i think that includes a realization story lol. i think for the longest time he just thought he didn't love anyone period. up until 20 methinks he was like "well i'm just a late bloomer". then he went to war as a medic and was like "well i'm just so fucked up in the head my mind's full of corpses that's why there's no place for love". then he went home and… lord almighty. for years he thought was just not made for love because he truly. hadn't looked the other way (he's just like me fr fr). he went from not knowing what a closet was to realizing he was in it and the door was ajar to being out and in a man's arm in the span of 12 days. he didn't really have the time to brood about what it meant for his future/himself/his relationship to his people for him to be homosexual because love slapped him across the face and he fell on his ass. as his whole story is about finding his own path and learning to cope with doing things that might not be approved of him and living with choices that are of love regardless it's truly just like. learn to cope FAST. you have way more problems. + as i think the herb brides Know i think he's not given too much grief by his community and doesn't have the religious trauma background of dankovsky. also since his parents are. well dead. he doesn't have to respond to them + his dad textually is like You're gonna have to do something boy. (and that something might displease him but that's out of his hands. and into burakh's).

.

Yulia knew early too like 12-13. she always was a tomboy as a kid and almost just like… naturally blossomed into a masc lesbian. i think from early on she was like. ok well we're coping with that. she already was going against social conventions by being an educated woman a woman in ""typically"" male professions a masculine-dressed woman so at this point the fact that she liked women that was like. well if you don't like it tough luck buddy. she always had a relatively distant (if loving) relationship with her parents so she didn't feel the need to justify herself to them + won't lie they saw it coming. they had it comin… she was not in any relationships for a while because she's kinda like Dry of a person/passionate about things most people just don't see/don't fuck with so while she is charismatic and handsome and knew she could be desired she didn't have any long-term relationship before eva because you truly need a girl who's a lil bit crazy to handle her. and vice versa. so love wins. i think that while she might not have frequented lesbian spaces like bars because her ass does not do well with crowds i think she never felt like she was So Alone like Only Lesbian on Earth. i think she did feel a sense of loneliness about it but it was also mixed with a deep sense of Well I'm Here and I'm One So Someone Like Me Exists.

.

Stakh for a little while was also that "well i'm kinda too fucked up for love" and he was also fighting for his life to be seen as a good student a good protégé a good foster son so romantic love was Far from his mind. i think he realized he was gay around age like 15-16 when it all starts to Dawn on you y'know everything Dawns on you. he was very quickly like. well that's how the cookie crumbles. i think there was a sort of immediate acceptance about the Being Gay factor but more of a restraint about acting on it because he too was like Married to The Student Behavior and didn't want to risk losing his place by isidor's side, especially since he didn't know how isidor would react to him being gay (i know what isidor did to that old man so i know he wouldn't have cared but rubin is not a mind-reader). it was truly like. well i am and i can't do much about it but i'm soo focused rn. as 18-20 came around the corner and his relationship with isidor truly felt like he was fighting for his life trying to be seen as a good student he was like I'm either going to war or becoming a monk. he was fully willing to commit to lifelong monkish celibacy because he's always been. kinda dry. kinda with issues. + i think subconsciously he was trying to not let Desire creep up on him because it would distract him from the menkhu way (nice dichotomy idiot what lies outside of it etc). he went to war [p1 lore which i abide by] and. well when you put a bunch of fit young men together away from the women of course something like this would happen. anyways he comes home having acted on his homosexuality which he is fine with + feels kinda like a weight being lifted off his shoulders but he stil hasn't tasted Desire ykwim. Want. Hunger in the lover sense. but he's like. shrugs. whatever. monk it is. he doesn't become a monk. he clings to being isidor's foster son until his knuckles go white. it ends up being for nothing. grief and anger scythe him right. and in what follows he bonds with someone who's Fucked up and who Knows Hunger and Desire and omg flushed emoji etc. (+ my belief when dankovsky comes to peter's loft to talk about god-knows-what they kinda realize pretty fast He's Just Like Me Fr and dankovsky appreciates his + peter's company kinda like he appreciated Just Sitting There surrounded by gay and bi men even if they barely talk. just knowing you're like. Not Alone. etc)

.

bit long. sorrey.

FUCK YEAH songs i actually listen to (you made a grave mistake asking me to talk about music @maleposting i’m about to get so VERY annoying)

let’s start with her. sad reflection song. end of semester anthem, ESPECIALLY end of spring semesters holy shit (but it works year long because my uni is in fuckass fl). in seriousness, the lyricism is so pretty, the outro production is beautiful, and i am a personal slut for any song with a reverb’d guitar.

next up, HER. i could’ve chosen literally any song from this album and it would’ve worked (i wanted to do Black Mascara but ik how RAYE feels about that song and how she hates dance pop so-). lyricism on point. vocals ON POINT. PRODUCTION?? ON POINT. fucking wonderful song and a great early album track.

HEHEHEHEHEHE. gracie. good god i love her so fucking much. this album is just…it’s like if a dying bisexual wallflower was an album. and the fact that the deluxe version coming in june is gonna have Block me out on it…she did that for me and me ONLY. lyricism is sad, chorus is so…oh my god, and aaron dessner produced this so you already know the production is fucking insane.

okay for #3, he’s is a relatively newer one i found! i love anything industrial, softer rock (horrible examples but With Or Without You, 1979, anytning with a peaceful reverb guitar and a good drum) and 90s rock. i found Third Eye Blind actually through their poppiest song (Queen of Daydreams) but it was AM-recommended tracks from on Blue that got me to go back to their old music. lyricism is great, the production is so…skittish? out of control in some places? the speed shifts and the guitars oh god i just love it. and Stephan Jenkins’ vocals…god there’s something so like…idk. he’s wonderful.

and finally…

three words CAAAAN WEEEEE GOOOOOOOO-

sorry. this song. this fucking SONGGGGGG. one thing about CHVRCHES they sure know how to open a fuckin album. anyways. my most listened to song of this year. 150+ streams already. not counting instrumental versions i listened to thru YouTube. it’s perfect. in every way. it’s like a 5min song but it feels like 2. everything about it. EVERYTHING. FUCK ITS SO GOOD. like what can’t i say about it. there’s a plot, there’s build, a production that’s so scattered and overwhelming in THEEE BEST way possible…….and the vocality HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH i’m in pain. it’s all so fucking good.

okay idc just do it if u want don’t even tag me if u don’t want to actually wait no tag me i wanna see yall talk about your favorite songs i love seeing it :D

i love sparklecare ( i really do ) but i don't understand the cometcare au at all and i don't get its hype. the designs look SO rushed ( like it was put together in a 10 minute art challenge ) and is it just me or. is the art style progressively getting worse ( for both sparklecare and cometcare ). i hate how random cometcare is too, i tried reading it and my brain got so fried. i had no idea what was happening. i loved cometcare at first, it was cool when it was JUST pollarrydoomi then they threw in these random ass characters and went "oh yeah. ur dating and have a child." ???? especially with hemera, the only (?) aroace character, why is she with caroline and why does she have a kid. adding hemera and miley into the mix was SUCH a bad idea. also. caroline x doom???? carruni s/x canon ( even though uni is aegosexual/asexual ... ) cometcare had so much potential and it all went down the drain by adding 10 thousand nearsiblings

FORGIVE ME FOR HOW LONG THIS RESPONSE IS

ive been saying exactly this ever since i found out about the cometcare au. literally everybody has a million children with everyone else and im like. why.

this may be a controversial opinion but i am not a fan of carroom (caroline x doom) in the slightest, since caroline is literally shown to hate doom in the main comic. literally all of their interactions involve caroline insulting doom, not to mention the earlier half of volume three.

i know enemies to lovers is a thing but if somebody chucked a full bucket of puke on my head, and then gave my sister this Judgemental Ass Look for offering to clean it up, i would honestly Kill Them. regardless of if they secretly had a crush on me or i secretly had a crush on them or whatever. you cannot convince me these two dont fucking hate eachother.

also i mean this in the most respectful way possible but i feel like theyre sorta erasing carolines sexuality with this? i may be attracted exclusively to men, but allow me to speak for a bit.

i am not at all trying to invalidate dooms agender identity, but. speaking as someone whos agender myself. i look exactly like a cis man. i am assigned male at birth, my testosterone is absolutely thriving since im going through puberty, i look like a man and i have zero intent to ever change that. if someone was NOT attracted to men, they would NOT be attracted to me, regardless of me actually being agender. especially not if i Tortured And Murdered Their Friends.

this isnt invalidating dooms gender identity nor is it invalidating mine, im definitely into something here. as someone whos gay (nblm) i wouldnt instantly develop a crush on lizzo if she came out as agender, especially not after the fucked up shit she did. now apply this to carroom, and miloom (miley x doom). but mainly carroom.

i understand carruni since unis a closeted trans woman, but thats different from carroom in a lot of ways. it would make sense for uni to not alter her gender expression as long as shes in the closet, since she isnt ready to explain to anyone else what she really is to anybody else. caroline and uni have an extremely deep bond too, so ofcourse shed come out to caroline first, and ofcourse theyd develop crushes on eachother. in the future (going off of au's and such), when uni is out of the closet, she is shown to present as her authentic self, and she. does a really good job at it. shes fucking gorgeous in cometcare. so it makes sense for caroline to be attracted to her.

and also uni isnt a serial killer. caroline seems to really dislike serial killers to the point where shed throw full buckets of vomit on them, which is. reasonable.

however again, unis aegosexual (if i recall correctly, uni and hemera are the only characters confirmed to be on the asexual spectrum as of volume four, not including characters that havent appeared yet) so it feels wrong to explicitly sexualize her regardless, especially if the clowns are "uncomfortable" with fans doing the same.

while were on this topic, agreed. hemera (the only aroace character in the entire sparklecare universe so far, including au's last time i checked) has like four other partners in cometcare. i dont think thats a very good idea considering they made it a point to explicitly point out her being aromantic in volume two.

and yeah, the artstyle has been very clearly degrading, i have another post about that.

how the fuck do i end this

I had this article from upworthy (a clickbaity fb page tbh) on my fb newsfeed the other day. some of the comments on it were the typical "bc they're so lazy and want mummy and daddy to drive them everywhere till the end of time!!!! they never want to grow up!!!!! the true meaning of a spoilt generation who'll always want to mooch off of everyone else!!!!" and the like. others were kinder, luckily, citing the ever climbing petrol (gas) prices in the US/worldwide, the skyrocketing prices of cars in the last couple years due to the pandemic, and the cost of driving lessons or car insurance etc etc. as valid reasons for young people to be dissuaded from driving in general, and also from getting their license.

for me, as a younger millennial/elder gen z/whatever the fuck a 1995 baby is, me not getting my Ls licence at 16 here in australia in 2011 and my Ps directly a year later at 17 in 2012 was inextricably linked to my mental health.

I've talked on many, many, many posts over my years on here about my struggles with getting my license. I couldn't go at 16, because I was ~vaguely suicidal~ and rather depressed/anxious; and most worryingly very attached to the emo kid thing of "crash my car just to feel again". I was filled with so much self loathing at the fact that I NEVER got to be 😎👹🤟 R E C K L E S S 😎👹🤟; that my first thought about learning to drive/having my Ps was to immediately crash a car into a tree or something else, just so people would believe that i was reckless and edgy and whatever the fuck other bs. and also maybe crashing a car would make people care about me more??? idek. i was really mentally unwell. period.

on the mildly safer flip side, this was very much linked to the annoying pop-punk theme of hating and escaping your hometown- which was a little more bearable and understandable. wrapped up in this was my belief that "escaping" to a uni 8 hours north of me would suddenly make me rich and famous (lmao fuck x10), so much so that i would come back to my shitty hometown and rub it in everyone who thought i was useless and embarrassing and whatever else, faces. which still isn't the best reason for learning to drive, either, let's be real here lmao. all in all, 16 year old me's mental health was a fucking trash fire: so why on fucking earth would you put her behind the wheel of a goddamned rolling death trap???

the last part of what stopped me learning to drive in high school was my marks at the end of it in 2013. when i got my ATAR (the uni entrance mark in new south wales) I got 38.25. for some bizarre reason I thought getting that mark made me "too stupid to learn how to drive"- quite literally. so I didn't even bother to pursue learning to drive till about early march (maybe) 2014.

when i finally went to my first driving lesson in 2014, i mistakenly unloaded some of the above info onto the instructor. by the end of my first lesson, she told me "your driving is so awful that no one in the Illawarra (our local area) will EVER BOTHER to teach you. stick with me, and you'll learn." so what did i do? i ditched that woman and didn't drive for another year.

when i got back to driving lessons in 2015, i think, at some point, my trainer with another driving school was great. i still wasn't getting consistent driving at home with my parent, bc he was also teaching my sibling. he also found me too stressful to teach, bc i was SO anxious that he just pushed it completely off on to the driving school instead. my lessons with this instructor were great (except for him always playing the radio during the lessons and that really distracted me). until my parent was like "uni is far more important than learning to drive. so focus on uni instead". so i dropped driving for another 6 months, by which time I was okayish at driving- but still hella anxious around trucks and during heavy traffic and doing reversing (which I still fucking hate and still gives me anxiety to this very day along with parking).

then I went back to it in 2016 or maybe 2017 again. in my first lesson with my 3rd instructor with the same driving school as the guy above (he'd left by the time I got back to it), we gelled. I finally got my licence in 2019 after two or three years of lessons and MANY failed tests (about 6 or 7 I can't remember now tbh). we stuck with me till the end. she eventually told me that she used me as a success story for anxiety as well, to all the kids who were incredibly anxious with driving.

my main reason for telling this story is because I imagine that I think many gen zer's would be the same. driving is incredibly anxiety inducing for many people, especially while they're learning. for example, when I began learning to drive my speed limit on my Ls was literally 70km/hr. which meant I was anywhere between 10 to 40 km/hr slower than everyone on highways- where the speed limit can be anywhere between 80 to 110 (for example the speed limit going to Sydney is 110km/hr- whereas the local highway I drive to work every day is 80km/hr and other parts of the highway are 90kms an hour). now the speed limit on Ls and your red Ps is 90.

but being on your Ls means that a vast majority of drivers will either aggressively overtake you, assert their road rage (usually assholes in jeeps and utes tbh), honk at you bc you're too slow (like sorry i can't go any faster on my Ls than 70 bro back in 2014, go fuck yourself). like i fucking hate driving so much, that i don't know why i even bothered buying my car tbh lmao.

just yeah. there's a myriad of reasons people don't want to or maybe even can't learn to drive; and for me it was mental health related and the fact I had to mature out of my angsty pop-punk and emo phase first as well. i shouldn't've had to meet the "standard" of getting my licence during high school when i very obvs wasn't ready or even mentally healthy for it at the time.

like. don't get me wrong, my mental health was still not the best when i was trying to get my licence in my early 20s.... considering i was hating very heavily on myself for not getting my licence at the right time like all my acquaintances from catholic school (*cue rich boy at tafe asking me in 2013 why I didn't have my licence yet*). but yeah. for many people, the whole getting your licence in high school thing just isn't possible, or let alone a good idea.

My heart is crying over pasta bake & so I'm writing to the Munsons because I wanna be silly for 5 minutes🥺

It's written TO Eddie & Uncle Wayne, speaking as if I am in their universe. Because why not?🥺

TW NEGATIVITY NEGATIVITY NEGATIVITY AND I GUSH!!!!

Hey, Eddie.

So, uh... it's been a while since we got to spend time together, hasn't it? I can't even remember the sound of your voice, baby. That's my own fault, though. I always tell myself 'you can see Eddie when you're done studying/after work/once you've got X done' but when I've done these things, I have to do something else and then before I know it, I'm holding your guitar pick in the palm of my hand in the work break room when I'm getting in or out of my uniform and fighting off tears because I miss you so damn much it hurts.

I just don't know what to do, angel. Everything is so much all the time and it's getting increasingly so as the weeks go by and I feel like I'm drowning. Dad told me the other day that I do a really good impression of a duck; I look calm and serene on the surface but underneath, my feet are going like crazy to keep me afloat. And he's right and I hate it. I just... I don't know, Eddie. Everything is just... it's a lot and I keep trying to grapple things so that I can catch up with studying but it's getting to the point where if it gets any worse, there won't be catching up because it'll be next to impossible and the odds are already stacked against me. I have until the end of this week to complete an assignment, which I was graciously given an extension for (have you forgiven me for the 32 hour stint yet?🙏), and do three weeks' of uni work, otherwise it'll become four weeks of uni work and two assignments... yeah, I know... I'm disappointed in me too.

I thought I was doing well, and I was.... and then all of a sudden I wasn't and everything spiralled out of control faster than I could tighten my grip and I'm fighting to make it right. My job is so demanding that it asks for everything except a virgin sacrifice, but technically I give them that every time I show up for a shift, and I'm always so tired when I come home that I just don't wanna study so then I don't and then before I know it I'm a week behind but then work doesn't stop being intense because of the industry I work in and then university builds in intensity literally every week and then I stopped eating as much, I stopped sleeping as much and then before you know it, I'm here. Running on fumes, caffeine, spite, running on empty, burning the candle at both ends, telling people she's okay but watching the same film literally twenty-seven times in one week because it's comforting, staying away from you because if I look at you, my beloved, I'll cry, and I simply don't have the time to put myself back together when I've already fallen apart. It's hard enough trying to catch your own fall.

I know what's happening to me, I've been here before, years ago, when I got home from what happened to me (a story I've never told you but maybe one day I will, if you want to hear it), and I know how it ends. And it's happening again but I don't know if I have the strength to pull myself out of it a second time. So forgive me if my hold on you is loose but tight at the same time. I'm almost afraid to look at you, because looking at your chocolate button eyes will make me cry and yet, they're such a big comfort to me. Right now, I'm in a place where I can save things, I can fix it. But if this carries on, it'll be too far gone a situation and then where will I be??? Three years of uni work, down the pan, and for what? A several month long.... whatever the fuck this is? I don't know, Eddie. Maybe you do.

But anyway, I'm sliding this note under your door because I think you're at Hellfire Club right now and I don't want to linger around and disturb anyone. I've left Uncle Wayne a note too, would you please make sure he receives it? I love you both so much, and I'm sorry I've been away so long. Make sure I come back soon, okay? If it's left up to me, we'll never see each other again because I'm not enough for the lifestyle I worked so hard for and that means I'm not enough for you, either. And I want to be enough for you, so so badly. I'm not enough in the ways I should be and I'm too much in the ways I shouldn't be.

But it's... I don't know, Eddie. I'll figure it out. I can't cut back on my work hours because I need the money because everything is so damn expensive, I'm saving up to move out of my parents' house and paying my own bills and helping my parents with theirs when they need it. And also quitting uni, a daily thought I have, isn't an option because otherwise that's the last three years of my life wasted and I already feel like everything I've ever done at any point ever has been a waste too, so I HAVE to get this right.

I just want you here, Eddie. I miss you so much, you beautiful man. My sweet angel baby. I'm only trying to stand my ground because you did, too. You were absolutely fucking terrified but you went down with a fight and I need to be like that too, I want to be like that. I know I can be better than this, I usually am, and I don't understand why I'm struggling so much. It's pissing me off and I just want to crumple myself up, throw me away and get a new Eri because this one is fucking everything up and I hate her. The only things I like about Eri are her hair, her eyes, her creativity, her taste in music, and her friends. Everything else needs to be replaced.

People have told me this isn't my fault, but it IS. How can it not be, when it's my job, my degree, my choices whether to eat or sleep or not, me choosing whether or not to get stressed, me choosing to not study or to sit staring into space picking at my skin because everything is just so much that it scares me into not doing anything??? It's all on me, it's my fault, my responsibility, you know? I'm just not enough, Eddie, I'm not. And I need to be. I'm not even enough for you and that hurts so much because you're the best of the best. There's no one better than you.

I gotta go some chores, honey. I love you, so so so so much. I want to hold onto you and never let you go, not for a second. Will you please stay? I'm sorry I haven't given you a reason to, but please?🥺

All my love,

Erika.💗

P.S. I'm still wearing your necklace! I feel very much your girl today🥺🫂

------

Dearest Uncle Wayne,

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm sorry. God, I just wanna crawl into your lap and burrow myself into your flannel and cry. But I'd never ask to do that. Truth be told, I'm almost afraid to look at you because I'm worried you're angry and/or disappointed in me. I mean, I am so why wouldn't you be? You're amongst the very best of us, you and your boy.

And I... I feel like I'm amongst the worst, at least when it comes to all the Eris I've ever been. I've been here before, Uncle Wayne, and I barely survived it and I'm so scared it's happening again now, even though everything was going great. I had such a good handle on things but then uni increased the workload and then work suddenly got really intense and I couldn't breathe aaaaand it's a few months later and I still can't breathe and I'm scared to go under, Uncle Wayne. The dark scares me, you know it does, and I'm worried it'll be dark if things carry on. I won't do this, to clarify before you panic and grab the phone to call me, but I'm almost tempted to let everything go to shit just to see what would happen!!! But I'm holding onto your flannel, fighting like hell to make sure it doesn't happen even when I want it to. Because I don't actually want it, you know? It's just a thought and I feel like this particular negative thought is more reflective of my fears; not something I actually want.

But. I say this with affection, but I am a stubborn, black-hearted bitch who will eventually wake up, sick of her own shit, and smash through all the uni work I need to do, finish the assignment I'm afraid of and stop staring into space for hours on end, all because I'm overwhelmed with how much there is to do. I need to be more than this and I don't understand why I'm not, I don't understand why this is so hard. I mean, I know it is hard, working almost full-time and studying at the same time, but christ alive, Uncle Wayne, I'm crumbling under the pressure and I don't have a big enough broom to sweep me up and pat me into a neat little pile so you can pour coffee on it until it becomes me again.🥺

I'm really really lost, Uncle Wayne, and I need you to sit me down and lecture me until I cry (you won't have to try hard, just glare at me, raise your voice a little, and job's a good'un!🙃), and then hug me 'til I'm giggling. I think I could face all this properly if I had you here. I have a week to correct this whole academic mess but I'm not sure I can, not without continuing to sacrifice sleep, meals, and my time with you and Eddie. I don't remember your voice, I don't remember what arm you always outstretch first to hug me, I don't remember anything except your ghosts and I miss you both so much.

I'm sorry I'm not your Eri right now, Uncle Wayne. She's gone and I don't know where she is and I'm really scared.💔I need her and I need you and I need Eddie and I need... I don't know what I need but maybe you do. I can see you scratching your head right now.

But anyway. I love you lot and lots and I miss you and I wanna come over but I'm scared to in case you yell at me or tell me you don't love me anymore or this is all my fault or whatever else; it'd be deserved because it's all true. It is my fault! I let this happen and I need to fix it.

With all my love,

Eri.

i think backgrounds is a thing but also kind of like what they stand for. R is rich and privileged living off her parents money (which is fine) and constantly jetting off to places lol (again fine) and doesn’t have a job or even need one tbh like that’s literally unheard of in the north like you literally need a job to afford a living

I get the crux of what you're saying here but I promise you there is a "posh" north and it's somehow even more horrifying than posh London

But aye those experiences are what shape your values

Thing is can any of us say we don't want to better our futures and give our kids better futures?

I for one hope that one day I'm well off enough that if my kids graduate uni and they don't know what to do with themselves and are trying to break into a tricky industry, they can come home to the family house and keep working on their goals? Like I wouldn't want me kids dossing but id fucking hate to think I'm working my arse off now so that one day in the future I can force my kids to slog it too?

Like I really get where all these anons are coming from about the culture clash and about like how it isn't fair that certain people have life so so much easier, and also like how it's weird that a man who's made a lot of being "rags to riches" is now seemingly dating someone with different principles so is kinda sacrificing his own BUT

1) it's only dating

2) no one in poverty wants to remain on the poverty line, I really don't blame him for "social climbing" he's having experiences that were barred from him by the class system for a long time and that can only be a good thing.

3) maybe he's not sacrificing his principles, I've seen very privileged women learn/grow when they've been in relationships with people from poorer backgrounds (relationships teach both people different things afterall)

4) he's not a hypocrite for shagging. He isn't sacrificing any principles by dating someone middle class. If anything it's weird to say that all working class people must remain completely true to their poverty stricken roots, that only reinforces class structure and makes certain things "not for us" like would you say it's sacrificing principles for a v working class lad from Stockport to go to Oxford? Is he a class traitor? Am I a class traitor for buying a gingerbread man in Morrisons or like idk Waitrose one time? Is it class traitory for working class people to go to art galleries, or listen to classical music, or learn to play the flute, or read lit fiction?

Do you see what I mean like, there's loads of things deemed middle class which have always been "not for the likes of us" but if we start saying any working class person who engages with those things is a traitor to their class then we're the ones reinforcing the structure that oppresses us?

Like idk, I tryyy very hard these days not to judge people who are middle class, because I do know nice people who are, my dad's got some lovely middle class friends... lots of the people I've met in Scotland that are southern English middle class snd have moved up here for cheap rent are nauseating cunts but idk, best to give people the benefit of the doubt until they actually start on the "i just dont see why we should give free school meals to children just because their parents smoke 40 a day and want the latest iphone" rant

The best situ for them is class divide causes misunderstandings and mild irritation but they are happy together anyway and it's not a deep problem. the worst is that the relationship falls apart because they can't understand eachother (this is usually what brings down all relationships though even ones that are class balanced? Is that a phrase that felt weird to write?) Like I grew to fucking despise my ex for being privileged and out of touch but I wouldn't wish that on anyone lol I lost a bestie and it sucked!!

Anyway my point is mostly just that you don't know them at all and to hold your horses accusing anyone of abandoning their principles just for dating someone from a different class background that's meh

Obvs btw anon not all of this is aimed at you in anyway because you aren't the one who has sent me all these things, it's just yours is so far one of the only ones that's on theme with the other anons that's polite enough to post. Some of the stuff in my inbox right now is harshhhh

You’re posts have really opened my eyes and resonated a lot with me and I now find that I am in agreement with more radical feminist writings than I previously thought. I am interested in reading more and learning more about these topics, and I am someone who subscribes to trans inclusive feminism, but how do you walk that line and own your status as a radical feminist without people trying to group you in with TERFs?

hmm, maybe you wont find this answer too satisfying. people do all the time, i just dont care that much

because, heres the thing. in many regards its much like the "swerf" thing. you disagree with sex work or you question things and youre an evil bitch who hates sex workers and wants a genocide against sex workers and youre a prude and a conservative and also somehow youre a racist white supremacist too lmao and a fascist and a nazi andddd - ive fucking heard it all by this point. ive heard it all. i think its obvious by now that all that is bogus, and that "swerfs" dont exist, that im not any of these things and i dont want any of these things. i think its obvious now that these are baseless and exagerrated and insane accusations thrown around by people who lack the ability to understand or bear another viewpoint, lack critical thinking abilities, and find it much easier to throw around a whole bunch of shit to shut you up instead of coming with any half real damn argument or discourse. ive come across an incredibly small handful of radfems over the years who shame "sex workers" and i and many don't even consider them radfems, because how tf can you call yourself a radical feminist and shame women who are just trying to survive. every group has their looneys, every forest has its dry patches

thing is, as ive said many times on here before, liberal feminism is the way it is because it is postmodern and because it is quite literally a psyop of the cia to wreck class conciousness, which it is doing very well. when you fully get what postmodernism is, how it functions, and WHY exactly the cia found it to be the complete anthises of marxism and why it was "unconventional warfare at its best" and "an subtle covert operational carried out at the highest intellectual level" - the words of us government officials, many things about current day liberalism and wokeness and western culture and whatever the hell else click into place. m a n y. im not willing to shut up and play the cias game. i refuse. im not willing to shut up just because mostly priviledged western liberals who claim to be so open minded lose their absolute shit when you say anything at all outside of the narrative. ive lost friendships, ive had people threaten to beat me up over the "sex work" shit, had plenty of ppl online tell me i should kill myself or be raped lmao, i am very aware that quite literally at LEAST on a good day 40-50% of my university campus and probably more actually thinks i should be beaten up or whatever the fuck for not supporting "sex work." i dont give a shit. im still vocal about it both on here and at uni and wherever else. my women and girls are currently, as i write this, being trafficking and raped and some are even being non-sexually tortured and killed because of this ideology. a significant amount of my women and girls are stuck in slavery because of this, everyones priviledged 0-class-conciousness delusions detached from material reality aside. and ive personally been through way too much fucking bullshit and horror. i dont have the privilege of silence, no matter the sheer aggression, hostility, and violence that the western liberals have been deluded into

there are many things ive said on here which would instantly get me labled a terf. many. being a lesbian really doesnt help with this lmao. i use the word female, i use it to refer to the female sex - including trans identified females such as nonbinary ones or transexual men, i still know biological sex exists which even that is controversial to some, i acknowledged that transexual women are male, i acknowledge that the opression of biological women is directly linked to biological sex, i dont use the word cis etc. i still call myself a homosexual. i critique femininity and masculinity - social gender - for what they are - social constructs of stereotypes assigned to the sexes build in a patriatchal system which are particularly made to opress the female sex. i have said before i want the abolishion of gender. yes, this makes me gender critical. im not willing to spend 90% of my time talking about endless individualistic relativity and language politics and "does such a thing as woman even exist at all ¿?¿" because this is postmodernism. all of these things ive said on here before one way or another and all are already enough to get me called a terf by plenty of people - because most of these dont mesh with queer theory at all (postmodernism) - i just stopped giving a shit. because this is feminism in 99% of the world outside of western liberalism. because we need to be able to have language which allows us to talk about important shit. because postmodernism be damned we need to be able to deal with the issues we have in Material Reality. because as far as im concerned only privileged westerners have the ability to sit around endlessly spending most of their time going on abt how "WoMeN DoNt ExIst" "FeMiNiTy is OpReSsEd nOt FeMaLeNesS" and calling this feminism. because frankly a whole lot of this was accepted even in trans circles like less than a decade ago before queer theory (postmodernism) took off

you say any of the above, and to many youre already a terf. you dont 100% agree with modern day queer theory, youre a terf or a transmedicalist or both or whatever the fuck else. you dare to question anything ever, and youre a terf. you dare to be 0.5% critical, and youre a terf. sure, whatever. im not playing this game and im not dancing to this tune. i dont care about performativity and i dont care about virtue signaling. what the fuck am i supoosed to do exactly, never be able to make the most basic feminist statements accepted everywhere else on this planet? nah. similarly - am i supposed to shut up abt that whole sexual slavery thing bc im gonna be called an evil swerf? nah. this is not a healthy culture, this is not a healthy discourse, this is not a healthy mindset or society or community. open discourse and critique is necessary. everything should be up for questioning, everything should be up for critique. when this stops being the case, we have an issue on our damn hands

no, i dont believe in queer theory for a long list of reasons. no, i do not agree with 10000% of modern day trans ideology. no, this does not make a genocidal fascist maniac. no, this doesnt make me a racist - this concept is ridiculous anyway because a) theres plenty of nonwestern cultures who never had, even before colonializism, any concept whatsoever of a third/other gender system, b) the nonwestern cultures who have third-gender systems (the balkans being included in this frankly w the sworn virgins tradition, which comes from sexism btw, most known in albania but spanning several balkan countries including my own) dont traditionally believe in modern day western liberal queer theory, and in fact i think its cultural colonialization and the importation of western ideas to lable those ppl and ways of understanding things by modern western understandings. theres Plenty of nonwestern third-gender people who straight up speak against this,,, and who speak against queer theory- sooo,,, yea..things are really more complicated than baseless accusations being thrown around. theres plenty of nonwestern/woc who are critical of queer theory so, yea, more complicated than baseless accusations being thrown around

does this mean i "exclude trans people" thus the (te)rf? or that i hate them or that whatever else? no. i identified as nonbinary and agender and demiboy for a good while there, i understand where people are coming from, i understand the workings of the ideology. i just dont believe in it now for a long list of reasons. this doesnt mean that i exclude female people who are trans-identified from my feminism, nor that i exclude transexual women bc as ive said in another post, while they do not experience opression on the basis of being biologically female, and while theirs is a different experience from being female, a transexual woman especially one whose passed for many years does experience a form of misogyny, and we do have shared experiences and struggles in common. as ive said before, sex dysphoria can be a very serious and debilitating and painful medical condition ive experienced myself especially when i was younger, and i have sympathy for those who are trying to cope and live their best lives.... why is it than i must agree 10000% with the new woke ideology which has barely existed for less than a decade and changes every 5 days or i somehow want people dead, apparently? hell, theres plenty of transexuals, especially older generation ones, who dont agree with it, and i get why, all my sympathy to them because they cant even talk about their Own issues without being dogpiled

again, i dont believe in postmodernism. i dont agree with completely rupturing class consiousness, completely denying material reality, and spending 99% of the time talking about hyper-individualism and language. do i hate people who believe in queer theory? no. in fact, i have several friends who still do whove ive had very open, very long conversations with on being gender critical, and guess what, we were able to hear each other out and disagree on some things and agree on others and see eye to eye and either fucking way, they understand that i dont hate them or want them dead or exclude them or whatever the hell, simply because i hold another point of view. some have come to agree with me alltogether, some havent. either way, all got that its stupid as hell to call me a "terf," because sometimes, nuance still exists on this planet.

do i think there are radical feminism who are genuinely transphobic? yea. have i come across them yea? yea. i dont engage w them, i dont engage with anyone whose throwing around slurs or etc. do i think and know a whole lot of those women who get called ~terfs~ are just, get this, not transphobic but women (and some trans ppl frankly, there are indeed trans ppl who are radfems) who dare to even question shit or have a different opinion, but dont want anyone dead, or harmed, or see anyone as less human or deserving of saftey and care etc? yea, yea they are

so, to answer your question, i walk the line by not giving a shit anymore, and saying what the hell i think, because by this point if i didnt i wouldn't be able to say most things ive ever written abt feminism on this blog. radical feminism is not inherently trans exclusionary, it is not inherently transphobic, material analysis is not transphobic, most of radical feminism has a whole lot more to focus on than this particular issue anyway, and daring to have any sort of different opinion isnt trans exclusionary, either

wow this has been one of the worst days ever. woke up at 4am in so much pain, my body and sinuses hurt like hell and I had a headache and overall felt half-dead and couldn’t go back to sleep. forced myself downstairs and my brother gave me a ride to the bus station. while on the bus my body temperature went nuts and I felt so warm that I started feeling nauseous. and then the stupid bus didn’t fucking stop by the university even though I’m sure I checked it was the right bus???? or maybe I’m just stupid. so in panic I jumped off at some random bus stop and felt the panic attack coming. looked for a bus that would go past uni but I don’t fucking understand how the bus network in Luleå works stupid stupid awful disgusting city I hate it so much it’s the worst city I wanna fucking burn it to the ground :D tried calling my classmates but they wouldn’t answer at first and when they eventually did it wasn’t much help ‘cause they didn’t know which bus I could take to get to uni either. meanwhile it’s -16C and I’m freezing my ass off so I am forced to seek refuge in some car shop where I break down and start crying like a bitch. after a while I go back to the bus stop and just wait for any goddamn bus stopping by and I ask like 3 of them if they stop by uni which they didn’t. I go back to the car shop and call my girlfriend while literally sobbing because at this point I’m straight up panicking. luckily luckily she answers and then calls her mom who works at the hospital and would be able to pick me up. I go to the bus stop at the opposite side of the road and wait and it’s so cold that I’m shaking. gf’s mom arrives and soon I’m finally at uni. the method exercise could’ve been worse it was better than last time when I almost had a panic attack. but our teacher talks so fucking much that the lesson ended 15 minutes later than it was supposed to so I start running toward the uni bus stop which is really far away from the building where we had the exercise and I realize I’m not gonna make it in time and my lungs are fucking burning and I’m so tired and my cold has gotten a hundred times worse from this ordeal so now I gotta rest even more and lose more studying time yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. so now I’m sitting here shivering and hungry and the next bus doesn’t leave for another 50 minutes but I’m too tired to go somewhere and buy something to eat. I hate myself I hate uni I hate being an adult what if nursing doesn’t suit me what if I’m just as weak and pathetic as I’ve always feared I wanna curl up into a ball and die HAHAHHAHAHAHA :DDDDDDDD