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garf-lover96 · 16 days

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Vesuvia Weekly; How to Cry (Rowan and Julian)

so this is basically just a bunch of rambles about their crying mannerisms, in a form of two short fics. Julian's section is a little heavy and Rowan's is lighthearted, to make it balanced i guess...... i think i barely breached 1k words on this one!!

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Julian

Julian makes an effort not to cry too often. Save for some circumstances when it's something he knows is easily fixable or he will be able to get over it quickly. A few tears shed here or there, it's not that big of a deal. Unless it's something more serious.

Even though he's learning that it's fine to ask for help when he needs it, it still doesn't feel entirely right for him to just let himself cry and let Rowan see it. So he'll bottle it up, go about his day, try to distract himself, until he cracks and melts into a sad little puddle of tears and choked up sobs. There's no hiding it then. Unfortunately Rowan is terribly inexperienced with comforting crying people...

The first time those abilities are put to test is when Julian returns home with an off looking strained smile. The greeting kiss on Rowan's forehead seems a little shorter and he doesn't even start talking about his day right after crossing the doorway. Rowan tries to ask if something happened a few times but ultimately decides not to pry. He trusts Julian to talk about it when he's ready. So he lets it go for a longer while, until it's time to sit down for dinner.

"I'm really not that hungry, dear." Julian says with a small, awkward smile, sitting down at the table anyway.

"Why? Did you eat at work?" Rowan asks curiously, not turning his eyes away from the stove, still needing to make some finishing touches to the food.

"No, Rowan, I..."

He doesn't even manage to finish his sentence before tears start flowing out of his eyes. He trembles and covers his eyes with his hands. Rowan whips his head around, freezing for a short moment, even though he had a hunch it was coming. After a quick deep breath, he approaches the crying doctor, who's already mumbling small apologies about breaking down like that in front of Rowan. He gently pulls his hands away from his face.

"Hey, hey, talk to me, please. What happened, Julian?"

Able to give only a barely comprehensive answer, Julian starts muttering something about how he lost a patient, which makes Rowan's heart sink. He pulls a chair over so he can sit next to him and pulls him into an embrace, not sure if he should even say anything. Julian melts into the hug, continuing to rant softly about his horrible day, getting Rowan's shoulder soaking wet with his tears. Rowan just listens as best as he can while running his fingers through Julian's hair slowly, in an attempt to provide any comfort.

By the time he manages to calm down, the food goes cold and Malak gets back from his evening freeflying time with Bluebell so Julian gets a whole entourage fussing over him. After a longer moment Rowan convinces him to at least have a little snack before they all haul him to bed. Wanting to make up for all the awkward silence earlier, Rowan cuddles up to Julian and asks him if he needs anything until they manage to fall asleep, while both birds preen Julian's hair until they can't feel their beaks anymore...

Rowan

Rowan gets the need to cry a lot more often than he'd like to. Whether he's especially frustrated, tired, angry, happy or just plain sad, chance is he'll end up having to just curl up into a ball and weep it out. He doesn't find it embarrassing per say, just a bit inconvenient.

Having Bluebell around him most of the time helps. She's the best at regulating his emotions in an efficient way. So when he's having a moment, he usually hides away in the backroom of the shop or his bedroom and lets Bluebell fuss over him and calm him down.

But even though cheering him up is not difficult at all, it's unfortunately pretty easy to screw up. It's all about the details! And Julian had to find out eventually (not necessarily the hard way but the mildly confusing one)...

One day, after closing the shop after serving a particularly rude customer, Rowan goes to the backroom to angry cry at the injustice he had to suffer. He knows it's not a big deal and that he should be fine in a few minutes but then Julian arrives and finds Rowan curled up in the corner of the room, weeping into his hands with Bluebell on his shoulder.

"God, Rowan, are you alright? Are you hurt?" Julian drops to his knees beside him, already frantically searching for any injuries.

"I'm fine!", Rowan catches Julian's hands into his own "Just had a bad day..." he doesn't even get the chance to elaborate before Julian gets to his feet again.

"Do you want me to get you a snack? Or I could make you tea..." and before Rowan has the chance to stop him, Julian already walks off while muttering to himself about other possible solutions to the "problem" he was presented with.

Rowan can only sigh and let himself cry for a while longer before Julian returns with a cup of tea and a bunch of cut up fruit in a bowl. This time he actually sits down next to Rowan.

"So do you wanna talk about it? Because I'm all ears, love."

"In a moment..." Rowan sniffs and takes a small sip of the tea.

Then he pauses and furrows his eyebrows slightly.

"You put honey in it...?" he asks while staring into the cup.

"Well- Of course I did. You like it that way, right?"

"But this is fruit tea... Why would you put honey in it? It makes it too sweet..." Rowan sobs out softly which makes Julian become concerned again and start apologizing.

"I'm sorry, I really had no idea- I'll make you a new cup, okay? Please don't be sad-" his reassurances get cut off when Rowan just wipes his eyes and gets to his feet, pulling Julian up with him. In just a few seconds, what seemed like another small breakdown of Rowan's, turns into a lecture, full of strongly worded tea opinions.

"...you can't put honey in herbal tea either, you know? It completely destroys the taste of it! Seriously, I thought this was common sense..." he grumbles as he pulls the very confused Julian along with him to the kitchen, to remake the tea together.

Bluebell, noticing that she's not needed anymore, stays behind and munches on the bowl of discarded fruit...

#vesuvia weekly #how to cry #garf lover96 creation #the arcana #julian devorak #glad i managed to finish this before wednesday🙏

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mermaidchan05 · 14 days

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Vesuvia Weekly: "Let's take a moment."

Saw the "How to Cry" prompt and immediately thought of that one paid scene in Nadia's route, after the carriage crash in the forest (book IX chapter 2 for anyone curious) so... Scene Rewrite With My OC time!

2600 words, featuring Nadia, apprentice Chimalus, and their familiar, Skye the bluebird. Starts directly after the crash itself.

Slight mentions of blood and thunderstorms (and people reacting to both lol) but mostly Nadia angst and some fluff.

“Chimalus… Chimalus!”

Chimalus stirred. Someone was calling them. And there was a rather high-pitched sound right in their ear. They felt their brows crease. It took a moment for them to figure out how to open their eyes.

The first thing they saw was a blue and brownish blur. Skye. The bluebird was right in their face, chirping frantically with worry. Then Skye moved aside… and Nadia was right there.

Chimalus thought that the carriage crash must have rattled them pretty badly. They couldn’t think of any other reason for Nadia to look so openly worried.

“Chimalus, are you alright?” Nadia gasped.

Chimalus tried to move. Were they okay?

They didn’t get much chance to find out. Nadia wrapped her arms around them and carefully extricated them from… whatever they were tangled up in. By the time Nadia had set them shakily on their feet, they had enough wherewithal to notice that the collision had thrown them from the carriage entirely. They had crashed into some heavy branches. And belatedly, Chimalus heard the sound of hooves pounding across the ground.

The horses had broken free. Which was technically a good thing… but it did leave them all stranded.

“Nadia…”

Nadia ignored their call… or maybe she didn’t hear it under the crash of the pouring rain. She pressed a gentle hand to Chimalus’ forehead. When she drew back, her fingertips were stained crimson.

“You’re injured!” Nadia’s expression melted into sorrow. “This is my fault…”

Skye chirped sadly. She settled on Chimalus’ shoulder, finding the little gap between their cloak and their neck, and gently headbutted their cheek. Chimalus shakily brought a hand to their own head. There was definitely a gash up there. But they felt mostly steady on their feet. Their vision was as clear as it had ever been. They weren’t dizzy, and nothing felt broken.

“Nadia, I’m alright,” they assured her.

They had hoped Nadia would be relieved. But she looked almost angry.

“No, Chimalus, you are not alright,” she all but snapped. “Come here. Let me help you.”

Chimalus had no chance to protest. Not that they wanted to. Nadia simply scooped them up, carrying them bridal-style. That particular thought made Chimalus blush. They hid their face in Nadia’s shoulder.

Somehow, Nadia managed to open the door to the broken carriage while still carrying Chimalus. She carefully set them down on one of the padded benches. She lingered there for a moment, her fingers trailing along their cheek, before she finally pulled back and sat across from them.

“This is the second carriage this week,” Nadia sighed.

She nervously ran a hand through her hair. Then she shook her head, took a slightly deeper breath, and inspected Chimalus again. One glance at their forehead was enough to send her looking all around the carriage, searching for something. Eventually, she turned to her own torn, rain-soaked sleeve. She ripped off a strip of fabric.

“Hold still,” she said gently. “This may sting.”

She held the damp rag up to the cut on Chimalus’ forehead. She kept it there, staring so intently that Chimalus started to blush again. When Nadia pulled back, the bleeding had stopped.

“There,” said Nadia. “Now you are alright. Though perhaps we should have you see a palace physician when we return…”

“I’m fine, Nadia,” said Chimalus, completely unconvincingly.

Nadia’s lips twitched into a frown. She put a hand on Chimalus’ shoulder, gently easing them against the bench so they were able to rest their head against the carriage wall. Nadia still didn’t look fully happy even after that.

“Nadia, really, it’s alright,” Chimalus insisted.

Sadly, they were clearly trembling a little when they reached for Nadia’s hand. And Skye’s reproachful chirp didn’t help.

“You will be,” Nadia said firmly. “I am truly sorry that you were injured at all.”

“It’s not your fault,” said Chimalus. “Really. That creature…”

They trailed off. They weren’t sure if they wanted to talk about the figure that had appeared before them, the flash of white illuminated by a strike of lightning.

The cause of the crash.

Nadia’s expression turned more serious, if that were possible. “You saw it as well, then. I thought it was…” She stopped, almost looking annoyed. She stared out the carriage window for a moment before shaking her head. Her expression turned resolute. “We cannot stay in this carriage forever. I… suppose we should start walking.”

Chimalus sat up a little straighter. They were sure that they could get back on their feet. And finding some sort of place where any future thunder wouldn’t make the carriage shake was a very tempting idea. But Nadia didn’t look like she was ready to go.

“Nadia?”

Nadia looked up at them.

“We should take a moment,” said Chimalus. “Maybe the rain will slow down.”

For a split second, Nadia looked curious. Confused. Then a faint blush crept across her cheeks. She knew exactly what Chimalus was hoping for. But she wasn’t about to admit that out loud.

“Well,” she said slowly. “I suppose if you need to take a break…”

Chimalus had to hide a fond laugh. But their smile quickly slipped. Nadia was clearly tense. Her fists were clenched, pressed against her lap. Her mouth was set into a thin, tight line. She stared out the window again, practically glaring at the trees.

“Nadia… are… are you alright?” Chimalus asked.

The answer was obvious. And made all the more so by Nadia’s frown.

Nadia was silent for a long moment. Her expression softened just the slightest bit. And she let out a sigh, her shoulders slumping.

“No,” she admitted. “No, I am not. Everything is falling apart, Chimalus, and it’s only been three months.” She closed her eyes, grimacing. “The court is corrupt. The city is falling apart. Perhaps irreparably so. My sister is here. Portia has been lying to me, and I’ve no idea who to trust. Frankly, Chimalus, I am perhaps a little upset about all these very stressful things.”

“I’d be surprised if you weren’t,” Chimalus said gently.

Nadia didn’t even hear them. She took a deep, trembling breath. She kept her eyes closed as she attempted to compose herself. It didn’t work. She drew her knees up to her chest and hid her face.

“And now… I have managed to hurt you.”

Her shoulders were trembling. At first, Chimalus thought it might be because of the cold. They sat a little straighter, ready to put their cloak over her, for whatever little warmth a soaking wet cloak would offer.

Then Nadia looked up. A single tear trailed down her cheek, mingling with the rainwater.

“I suppose it’s only fair I pay for my mistakes.”

Words wouldn’t reach her in this state. So Chimalus acted. They slid off of their seat, carefully crossed the carriage, and sat down beside her. Just as carefully, fingers feather-light, they brushed away some of Nadia’s tears. They could only hope it helped. And Nadia felt so cold… but Chimalus didn’t quite dare to huddle closer. It might not have been proper, even after everything.

Nadia made that decision for them. She leaned against Chimalus, hiding her face in their cloak. And she cried.

Chimalus gently wrapped an arm around her shoulders. They didn’t say a word. Just then, they knew that Nadia needed silent support far more than she needed any sort of reassurance or platitudes. Though that didn’t stop Skye from adorably nestling on Nadia’s shoulder instead of sitting on Chimalus. Chimalus smiled at that. In their opinion, nothing was a better comfort than some extra-soft feathers.

They stayed just like that for a while longer. Chimalus wasn’t sure exactly how long. But eventually, Nadia took in one more shaky breath. And she sat up. She still looked sorrowful. But there was something thoughtful about her expression as well.

“Thank you, Chimalus,” she murmured. She carefully wiped her eyes. “I… I haven’t cried since I was nine. How nostalgic.”

“It looks like you needed it,” said Chimalus.

And it was really no wonder why. Nadia was under an almost inconceivable amount of pressure. She had an entire city to bring back from the brink of destruction, all while planning a giant event, and with many people she was supposed to be able to trust actively working against her. Then there was the debate on whether or not Portia was doing the same. And as Countess, and one who had lived her whole life as a princess besides, she had to put on a show for almost everyone. She couldn’t show weakness. She had to make it seem like she was in complete control.

It must have been exhausting.

Nadia was quiet for a moment, before finally nodding. “You’re right, of course. It’s not as if I am ashamed of my emotions. Quite the opposite, in fact. However… I usually experience them in solitude.”

“Well… nobody else is around right now,” said Chimalus, trying to lighten the mood a bit. “Does that count?”

Nadia gave a soft laugh. “Perhaps. Though one may want to show a bit more self-control in front of a renowned and powerful magician.”

“I wouldn’t call myself renowned,” said Chimalus, embarrassed.

They were more infamous than anything, if the odd looks they still sometimes received from people in the market were any indication. But they decided not to comment on that just then. It wouldn’t help Nadia.

“But either way, you don’t need to put up a front just for me,” they said instead. “You don’t need to be the Countess, or a princess, or anything like that. You can just be… yourself.”

Nadia’s smile was small, but genuine, and perhaps a bit playful. She leaned against Chimalus again, visibly relaxing.

“Perhaps not,” she said. “It may take a bit of practice, opening myself up in such a way. This may shock you, but I am used to doing most things alone.”

“You don’t need to anymore,” Chimalus said softly.

Nadia’s smile grew. It had become the smile that always made Chimalus’ heart pound.

“No… I suppose I don’t,” she said. Then her smile vanished, immediately replaced by a look of frustration. “Well, I might do to avoid giving you any more grievous injuries, lest I find myself alone once more.”

“You won’t,” Chimalus assured her. “I’ll always be there for you.”

They had no idea what had possessed them to say something like that out loud. Sure, they had thought those exact same words many times. More often than they necessarily wanted to admit. Just the fact that they had said them now made their cheeks flame. But still. Every word was true.

And despite not being able to give true facial expressions, Skye managed to give them a very knowing look. Chimalus decided to ignore it.

Nadia must have noticed. Or maybe she just thought that the way Chimalus had managed to utterly fluster themself was adorable. She smiled, giving a soft, humming sort of laugh. And she gently pressed her lips to the edge of the cut on Chimalus’ head.

“Thank you, Chimalus,” she whispered. “I assure you, nothing like this will happen again. I intend to keep you safe.”

Before Chimalus could reply, Nadia pulled slightly back. She straightened up her skirts, smoothed down her hair, and briskly wiped away the last traces of tears. Chimalus’ heart ached a bit. They wanted to say so much more. They wanted to keep her safe, too. They couldn’t be the one protected all the time. They couldn’t be another burden for Nadia to carry. They wanted nothing more than to help.

And to stay by her side.

At least she was still holding their hand. The two of them weren’t quite tangled up like they had been before, but their hands, resting on the seat in the little empty space between them, were still decidedly connected.

Nadia gently ran her thumb over the back of Chimalus’ hand.

“The world always looks a little better after a good cry, doesn't it?” she mused. “I had forgotten... thank you for reminding me.”

“You’re welcome.” Chimalus’ voice came out a little higher than usual. “I know I always feel better after I let things out like that.”

“You do so often?” said Nadia, teasing.

Chimalus played along. When Nadia smiled like that, they simply couldn’t do anything else.

“Oh, yes,” they said with as straight a face as possible. “I cried yesterday.”

Nadia’s eyes widened. “Oh? Whatever for? I hope I haven’t given you reason to cry...”

“Well, your riding outfit was absolutely incredible,” Chimalus said casually. “You looked so powerful. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I had to let it out somehow, right?”

They did their best to hold Nadia’s gaze. Nadia was smirking again. It took all of Chimalus’ effort to hold back their own laughter.

Then Skye gave a decidedly exasperated trill. And Nadia burst out laughing.

Chimalus couldn’t hold it in anymore. They wound up joining her. The two of them collapsed against each other again, their shoulders shaking, though the tears had been left far behind.

“Well, then,” said Nadia when the laughter had finally subsided enough for her to talk, “if that is true, then you must remind me to talk to my tailor. I’ll get you a suit, too.” She smiled, both playful and somewhat alluring. “You’d look quite ravishing, I think.”

Chimalus would be surprised if their face hadn’t turned into a tomato at that point. “You don’t need to get me anything.”

“I would like to repay you for the compassion you showed me today,” Nadia said simply. “For the companionship as well. If there’s anyone I could have utterly broken down in front of, you are by far the best choice. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on... I hope you know that I am there for you as well. And if a shoulder is not enough, then I fully intend to shower you with gifts until you feel better. Including a riding suit, of course. And perhaps a horse of your own.”

Chimalus somehow turned redder. "Nadia..."

Nadia gently kissed their cheek again. “If I can offer you even a little comfort, I will be happy to give it.”

“Nadia, really, that’s very kind of you, but you don’t need to repay me,” said Chimalus. It was amazing how flustered they managed to get.

Nadia chuckled. “No, perhaps not. But I would like to. If you’ll allow me.”

Chimalus met her eye. She was smiling again, far more soft and sincere than the playful smirk from earlier. Chimalus found they loved this smile just as much as the other one. They loved all of Nadia’s smiles. They hoped she had reason to share those smiles more often.

Before they could say anything more, a clap of thunder shook the air. Chimalus jumped, nearly sending Skye flying. The carriage windows rattled.

Nadia sighed, scowling at the windows as though personally offended by the thunder. “It seems this storm has no intention of letting up. We’d best go find some real shelter.”

She stood gracefully, offering Chimalus her hand. Chimalus accepted. They didn’t exactly like the idea of trudging off in the middle of a storm. But they knew there was very little choice. And it helped to know that they weren’t going through this alone.

Chimalus put up their hood. Skye tucked themself in the little space between Chimalus’ neck and the edge of their cloak. Nadia smiled, more fondly this time. And she gracefully stepped out of the carriage, pausing to help Chimalus down as well.

The two of them set off. And neither let go of the other’s hand.

#vesuvia weekly #how to cry #the arcana fanfic #nadia x apprentice #nadia x mc #oc stuff #apprentice chimalus #scene rewrite #no beta we die like the apprentice #the arcana game spoilers

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payingrental · 1 year

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*how to cry without my parents noticing because i belong to a brown family*

#how to cry #desi shit posting #desi teen #brown household #desi memes #indian memes

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thearcanawriter · 16 days

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When MC wants M6 to tell them how do they cry

Asra:

- he cries with a pile of blankets, a cup of warm tea and something or someone to vent or to hug. After crying, he likes some sweet snacks to cheer him up.

Nadia:

- She also likes tea, and likes it sweet. Would go to sleep after crying to forget about it. Will talk to someone after wards.

Julian:

- He has dramatic cries, often finding someone, either Mazelinka or Portia, to vent to them. But if he finds nobody, he'll just go to the bar and cry there.

Portia:

- She often cries buckets when she does cry. She will like to cuddle with Pepi and go to sleep. Bakes a cake herself to cheer her up afterwards.

Muriel:

- He says he doesn't cry. But he actually does in secret. He just likes to huddle around blankets or Inanna when crying.

Lucio:

-Also dramatic crying. Will try to get sympathy from others but often succeeds. But after you arrived, he will go to you everytime he wants to cry and vent out his feelings.

(Idk if this fits the topic- but well I tried lol)

#vesuvia weekly #the arcana hc #how to cry

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vesuviaweekly · 28 days

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Vesuvia Weekly: Prompt for May 1st - 15th

You voted, so here it is!

How to Cry

With that, the "Rare Smiles" prompt is officially closed!

The tags are the usual #vesuvia weekly and for this specific prompt, #how to cry. The masterlist for all works submitted for this prompt will be under the poll for next week :D

MASTERLIST

When MC wants M6 to tell them how do they cry by @thearcanawriter

How to Cry (Rowan and Julian) by @garf-lover96

"Let's Take a Moment" by @mermaidchan05

#vesuvia weekly #how to cry #the arcana #the arcana game #the arcana fanfic #the arcana headcanons #the arcana fanart #the arcana incorrect quotes #the arcana edits #the arcana memes

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audiophiliacfan · 4 months

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[Verse 1] I don't know when you're sad I can't tell when you're mad You've never been vulnerable I believed you could change But you're still the same And I'm still invisible

[Pre-Chorus] I keep secrets from my family All the ways you've been controlling me When it hurt, I didn't make a sound All the drama that you put us through How amazing that it's never you Who lit the fire, burnt the whole house down

[Chorus] 'Cause nobody taught you how to cry But somebody showed you how to lie All of the feelings you don't show Are all of the reasons to let go

[Post-Chorus] I know I got nothing lеft I know I got nothing left

[Verse 2] I get that it's deep You've nеver been free You've never been satisfied And you blame that on me The pain you can't see The anger you hold inside

[Pre-Chorus] I keep secrets from my friends at home So embarrassed, I've been so alone God, I'm over me protecting you

[Chorus] 'Cause nobody taught you how to cry But somebody showed you how to lie All of the feelings you don't show Are all of the reasons to let go

[Post-Chorus] I know I got nothing left I know I got nothing left, no I know I got nothing left, mmm I know I got nothing left, mmm

#Spotify #Lyrics #Song #Music #How To Cry #Sam Smith

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the-witch-in-the-elder-tree · 1 year

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So we all agree that How to cry is a grindeldore song right?

#grindeldore #sam smith #gloria #how to cry

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eclecticfaceobservation · 1 year

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Nobody taught you how to cry

But somebody showed you how to lie

- Sam Smith

#sam smith #gloria #how to cry

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tariah23 · 12 days

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White people are miserable, racist losers period. They’ve even been getting mad at Japanese people for correcting them about Yasuke as well.

#rambling #seen wp go ‘they’re mismembering their history is all-‘#as if they’d know more than the actual Japanese people #comments on ever post about yasuke are full of racist wp arguing with Japanese ppl and telling them that yasuke was a ‘nobody slave’#while Japanese ppl are just like ‘well anyway-‘ on their asses it’s kind of embarrassing #the guy is literally an historical figure bro #how are you mad that everyone from a country that you have such an unhealthy interest in isn’t as racist as you are??? that’s what it’s #giving #I’m sure there are lots of Japanese ppl being racist af too #since antiblackness is global and everyone has a problem with black people simply existing but #they hate us too but 😭#it’s just #expect full blown kkk bullshit as soon as a black character pokes their head out from around the curtain #antiblackness #I see white ppl cry about yasuke every other month man #or at least once a year on Twitter

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luminixx · 4 months

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“Your mom” gone wrong. Not the right person.

this is lowkey so unserious don't kill me. it's a reference to all that stuff about his mother that I am seeing.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin #hazbin hotel art #hazbin alastor #alastor #alastor hazbin hotel #lucifer morningstar #dad beat dad #appleradio #lucifer hazbin hotel #fanart #also on tiktok it has this freaky sound in the background so it's more sad and less threatening #it's funny seeing how differently people react #thye're all crying over there #i am so sorry tiktokers !! ..

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dimensionzero · 1 year

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hey so you know all the symbolism about miles wearing a spider-man costume for most of itsv because he didn't feel like he was living up to what spider-man was supposed to be. you know how his real suit is so important because it represents his confidence in himself. hey did you know that after miguel tells him he's an anomaly and a mistake, miles' suit glitches back into that spider-man costume.

#watch how hard i can cry #across the spiderverse #across the spiderverse spoilers #miles morales

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etirabys · 1 year

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as a child I wondered why adults were so stupid (doing things out of habit/routine/heuristics rather than reasoning explicitly about what to do based on their goals) and the answer is that adults are unimaginably fucking tired all the time

#rambl #child me would be so contemptuous of present me #look. you have NO idea how sleepy I am. if I have to think more than I need to I'll cry #more notes than usual

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inkskinned · 1 year

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the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.

sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.

you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.

it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.

but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.

they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.

they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.

barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.

and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.

but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.

they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!

this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.

#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone #yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post.#writeblr #ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person #and on this blog we support workers.#at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going.#when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens #have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists #and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like.#it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases -#at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory.#it was what i had seen.#and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference #we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol'#so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender #and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID.#he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different #i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.

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