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freddiesaysalright · 4 years

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The Most Dramatic Season Ever - After the Final Rose

Summary: It’s your time now! You are ABC’s new Bachelorette and this is your journey! All these men (including our fav BoRhap boys and then some) are competing for your heart! Will you find love? Will you get engaged at the end? Or will you end up heartbroken? Find out, on the most dramatic season ever!

Word Count: 3.1K

Tag List: @psychosupernatural, @someone-get-a-medic, @bensrhapsody, @deakyclicks, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession, @minigranger, @crazyweirdocalledfriday, @the-moving-finger-writes, @assembledherethevolunteers, @rose-writes-prose, @queenlover05, @moon-stars-soul, @danadeacon, @deacyblues, @thesundrop, @cupidben, @lostlittlenerd, @delilahmay39, @timmvrphy, @queenmylovely, @loveandbeloved29, @free-pool-trash, @fairestkillerqueenofall, @local-troubled-writer, @babyalienfairy, @littlecarowrites, @allthethingsicant, @im-an-adult-ish, @mirkwoodshewolf, @squishy-gay-astronaut, @sherlollydramoine, @butlegendsneverdie, @dogmom2014, @rocketrhap917, @26-7-49, @lelifesaver, @frozenhuntress67, @drowsebaby, @mrhoemazzello, @lookuptotheskiesandsee, @seasidecrowbar

A/N: The final chapter! This serves as the epilogue for this story. We catch up with Ben, Y/N, and Joe, and find out who will be the next Bachelor!

Warning(s): None :)

Night 1 Week 1 Week 2 Week 3 Week 4 Week 5 Week 6 Week 7 The Men Tell All Week 8/Finale

After the final rose here we go!!!

Chris: Hi. Welcome to After the Final Rose. I’m Chris Harrison, and I’m here to catch you up on everything that’s happened since Y/N’s dramatic season as The Bachelorette. Last night, we watched her and Joe become happily engaged in New Zealand. But, are they still together? What has become of Ben since his breakup with Y/N? And which of Y/N’s men will be the next Bachelor? Find out tonight, right here.

The studio audience went wild with cheers.

“Thank you!” Chris called. “Thank you, Bachelor Nation! Tonight we wrap up Y/N’s crazy and romantic season. We had everything this season. From night one, Y/N was having to deal with problems among the men. No one was perhaps a bigger problem than Luke, who took issue with Y/N’s sexual liberation and independence. We had two men leave abruptly in Ireland because they just weren’t falling in love. Then, the first man to say ‘I love you,’ Taron, was sent home from there as well. Y/N told the top three men from her season that she loved them, which ended up making things all the harder. And finally, after her final two dates, she realized Joe was the man for her, and had a devastating breakup with Ben, before a beautiful proposal with Joe.”

He paused.

“Now, before we get Y/N out here to talk about her life since New Zealand, there is one man that everyone is curious about,” Chris said. “And that’s Ben. Have Ben and Y/N spoken since that heartbreaking night? Is he still in love with her? How has he been coping with her newfound happiness? Well, you’re about to find out. Everyone, please welcome, Ben Hardy!”

The audience applauded and screamed as Ben emerged from backstage, looking dashing in a navy suit. He smiled and waved as people called out to him. When he made it to the stage, he shook hands with Chris before sitting down on the couch.

“Ben, welcome,” Chris said. “Thanks for coming.”

“Thanks for having me,” Ben returned.

“There’s a lot to talk about when it comes to you and Y/N, but before we get into it, let’s take a look back at your journey together.”

Everyone turned to the screen to watch. The first clip was Ben’s first introduction to you. He smiled as he watched himself step out of the limo and meet you. The video highlighted everything, from Ben admitting that he had never been in love before, his feud with Luke and beating him out for the rose on the two-on-one, his hometown, the magic of fantasy suite, the final date, and then the crushing blow. His mouth turned down as he watched you tell him again, “It’s not you.” His eyes watered at the soft, teary goodbyes. Then the screen went dark.

“So, tell me what it’s like watching that back,” Chris said.

“Uncomfortable,” Ben said, sniffling. “It still hurts to think about. Even the good times we had...it’s painful because it feels like none of it mattered.”

“None of it mattered?” Chris questioned.

“Yeah,” Ben said. “I felt like we went through all of this only for there to be nothing in the end. For me, at least.”

“Are you angry at Y/N?” Chris asked.

“I was for a little while,” Ben answered. “First, I was really sad, just heartbroken. Then I went through a phase of being a bit angry at her, even though I knew someone had to leave. But I’m not angry anymore. I’ve gotten so much support online and stuff, just a real outpouring of love, and it has definitely made me feel better. Although - I do want to say - Tweeting at me and calling Y/N a bitch is not a way to make me feel better, so if everyone could knock it off with that, I’d appreciate it. That’s not how I feel about her.”

“How do you feel about her?” Chris pressed. “Are you still in love with her?”

Ben hesitated, biting his lip. “Yeah, I am, a little bit.”

Chris paused while the audience let out soft gasps and whispered to each other.

“Well, you know she’s here,” Chris said. “Just backstage. Are you ready to see her? Do you even want to?”

“I do, actually,” Ben said. “I think emotions were high when we last saw each other, and I’d definitely like some closure.”

“Well, then,” Chris said. “Let’s bring her out. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Y/N!”

You walked out, waving to the crowd as they cheered for you. You saw Ben and felt such joy at seeing him again, you could have burst. But, the joy was different than it once was. You had missed his company and the time you shared together, but you had not missed him as a boyfriend. And that was okay.

“Hi,” you said with a smile as you stepped up on the stage.

He crossed over to you and hugged you. It was warm and familiar. And nice.

“Hey, Y/N,” he said sweetly.

“Well, you two have a seat, and we’ll talk,” Chris said.

You and Ben moved to the couch and sat beside each other. It was a bit odd to be sitting there and not holding his hand as you’d grown accustomed to during filming.

“How are you?” Ben asked you.

“I’m doing really well,” you told him. “Really well.”

“Happy?” he wondered.

“So happy,” you replied. “How are you?”

“I’m alright,” he said. “Back home in London. I’ve missed you and I had a rough time of it for a little while, but I’m doing better now.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” you said.

“Ben, is there anything you want to ask Y/N?” Chris wondered.

“Yeah, um,” Ben began, looking at you. “The biggest thing on my mind has been...is there anything I could have done differently that might have swayed your opinion?”

“No,” you said, shaking your head. “Ben, you...you were perfect. From night one, you were perfect. We didn’t take off right away, but I knew there was going to be something really special between us. As for the end of it, there was nothing you had done wrong, and we weren’t necessarily lacking anything in the relationship. Just, things were stronger with Joe and - like I told you that night - I couldn’t picture my life without him in it.”

“You could picture life without me, though?” he asked.

“It made me ache, but yeah,” you said. “I’m sorry if that’s hurtful to hear.”

“Not as bad as I thought,” he replied with a small smile. “But I’m sure you understand, I was going over everything in my mind, and watching it back every week, so naturally, I wondered.”

“Of course,” you said. “I did the same thing after Peter’s season.”

“So, you don’t question your decision at all?” he asked.

“I don’t, no,” you said. “I think it was absolutely the right choice. For both of us.”

“That’s fair,” he said. “I’m glad things are going alright with you, and I hope your life is happy.”

“I wish you the same,” you returned. “You’re a great guy, Ben. You deserve love and happiness.”

“Thank you.”

You smiled at each other. There was still some hurt you could see in his eyes, but it was not as much as that night back in New Zealand. He was healing. You had faith that he would find that person to be his partner.

“Alright, Y/N,” Chris said. “I’m gonna let you head back and we’ll see you again in a little bit.”

You reached out and gave Ben’s hand a squeeze before getting up and exiting backstage, amongst more cheers from the crowd.

When you were gone, Chris looked at Ben.

“Feel better?” Chris asked.

“A bit, yeah,” Ben said. “It’s still painful, but I’ll move on. She’s a wonderful woman, and I’m happy for her.”

“If you are ready to move on,” Chris said. “I’d like to extend an invitation for you to come to Mexico and join our cast of Bachelor in Paradise.”

The crowd went wild at the notion. Ben laughed and flushed under the excitement.

“Well?” Chris pressed.

“I’m afraid I’m not quite ready for that,” Ben chuckled. “I don’t think I could go there with my heart still belonging to Y/N a little bit, it wouldn’t be fair to the women there.”

The audience released a collective, disappointed, “Awwwww,” but Chris waved them off.

“I appreciate your honesty and your vulnerability, Ben,” he said. “I wish you all the best, and hopefully one day we will see you on that beach.”

Ben laughed.

“We’ll be back in a little bit with Y/N and Joe,” Chris said to the camera. “How has life been since their engagement in New Zealand? Are they still together? Find out, right after this.”

The show went to commercial. Ben shook Chris’s hand and then exited the stage.

After a few minutes Chris welcomed everyone back.

“Everyone, please welcome, Y/N and Joe!”

You and Joe headed out toward the platform, smiling and waving at everyone as you passed. Hand in hand, you made it to the couch. Finally, you could be seen together in public and proud. It felt like such a weight lifted.

“Hey there, you two,” Chris said as you all took seats on the couches. “So, it looks like things are good,” he said, indicating your intertwined hands.

“Things are great!” you chirped. “We’re still engaged and going strong.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Chris said. “Especially after the last couple seasons we’ve had.”

Everyone laughed a little.

“So, tell me what it’s been like for you two since filming ended,” he said. “You had your trip together after the engagement, and what’s the plan going forward?”

“Well, Y/N is moving to New York,” Joe said. “We’ve almost got all her stuff there, but now we’re living together like ninety percent of the time.”

“How are you liking New York?” Chris asked you.

“I love New York,” you told him. Then you looked at Joe. “But mostly the people in it.”

You beamed at each other.

“That’s sweet,” Chris said. “Are you moving into Joe’s place or have you picked somewhere new?”

“We bought a house,” Joe said. “Y/N and I picked it together so it feels like ours.”

“It’s really close to the restaurant,” you went on. “And in a really good school district.”

“Oh, this is something you plan on making a permanent home?” Chris said.

“Yeah,” you said. “We want our family to have something stable. And that starts with the home we make together.”

“Any wedding plans?” he wondered.

“We have actually set a date!” you said excitedly.

“April 3rd, next year,” Joe said. “We can’t wait to get married, and we don’t want to waste any time.”

“Congratulations to you!” Chris said. “Now, Joe, I wanna talk to you for a minute and ask, what was it like watching the season back, and then seeing that finale and what it was like for you to watch Y/N end things with Ben?”

“Honestly, I cried watching their breakup,” Joe said with a light chuckle. “I mean, it’s not easy watching her with the other men - it wasn’t during filming - but, seeing her choose me, out of all the great relationships she had - especially the one she had with Ben - makes me feel more confident than ever.”

“Did she tell you that she had broken things off with Ben the night before the proposal?” Chris asked.

“She did,” Joe answered. “While we were on our little vacation, she explained that she sent Ben home and the reasons that she had for doing it. It made sense to me and I respected what she did. The last thing I’d want is for her to be recovering from that while saying yes to me. It was a good way to give each relationship the proper treatment.”

“So, you two have watched the whole season back,” Chris said. “How does it feel to be where you are now?”

“It feels amazing,” you said. “I mean, Joe was so funny as the season was airing, he would like, text me about the episode and say something like, ‘Can’t believe you broke Taron’s heart like this’ and all that, so we tried not to get too emotional about it. But looking back, I feel like all of it was so worth it because it brought us together.”

“Now, throughout the season, it appeared that Joe was a front runner,” Chris said. “Did you know from the beginning maybe that it would be him?”

“I thought it was a strong possibility,” you said. “But I honestly didn’t know until that night after our last date. I always knew that Joe and I were solid and strong. I had a feeling he would be one of the final men, but toward the end, as feelings developed in other relationships, I wasn’t totally sure it was him. I am now, but at the time, I had a really tough choice to make.”

“Joe, did you think it would be you?” Chris asked.

“I felt good about our relationship the whole time,” Joe said. “But there’s always that worry, it's not what you think. Because during filming, we don’t see the other relationships progressing and how she feels about them. I didn’t even know she had told other men she loved them. And on the day of the proposal, I didn’t know that she had already sent Ben home. So, yeah, as good as I felt about us, I could never be totally sure.”

“Well, it certainly does seem to have worked out,” Chris said. “Anything else going on with you two?”

You and Joe exchanged a look and then both shrugged.

“Nothing really, except moving in together and wedding stuff,” you said. “The excitement of the show is over, and we’re ready to settle down.”

“Yeah, getting our own routine down and settling into regular life has been great,” Joe said. “We’re looking forward to what the future holds.”

“Hopefully, it’s all happiness and love,” Chris said. He turned to the camera. “We’ll be back in just a few minutes with the announcement of your new Bachelor! Stay tuned.”

The show went to commercial. Chris shook both your hands and the three of you chatted for a bit while the audience took time to use the restroom and things like that. When the show came back, the three of you still sat on the stage.

“Welcome back to After the Final Rose,” Chris said. “I’m here with Y/N and Joe and we’ve been talking about their very promising future. But what about the future of Bachelor Nation? Well, we’re gonna get right to that.”

“Oh, Chris,” you interjected. “Can I?”

He chuckled. “Sure. Just look right there,” he indicated the teleprompter. “And read it with all the excitement I know you have.”

You beamed and looked into the camera.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” you said, trying to contain yourself because you were so thrilled about the choice. “Please welcome your new Bachelor, Gwilym Lee!”

The studio erupted into applause and cheers, you and Joe included, as Gwilym emerged from backstage. He grinned a bit bashfully at the support he was getting. He finally reached the platform where he was engulfed by you and Joe’s arms around him. You both greeted him warmly as the noise began to die down.

“Hey, congratulations, you two,” Gwilym said. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks, man,” Joe said, and they clapped hands.

“Thank you,” you added, and Gwil kissed your cheek.

“Well, Joe and Y/N, you’re old news now,” Chris joked, and all of you laughed. “Why don’t guys head backstage, so I can talk to our new Bachelor?”

“Sure,” you agreed. “Congrats, Gwil!”

“You’ll be great!” Joe said, and you both began to walk away, waving to Gwil and the audience as you did.

Gwilym chuckled as he watched you and Joe disappear, then returned his attention to Chris.

“So, Gwilym, how does it feel?” Chris asked. “You’re the new Bachelor!”

“I’m still in shock a bit, actually,” Gwilym replied. “I can hardly believe it.”

“What lessons are you going to take from Y/N’s season into your own?” Chris wondered.

“I’m definitely going to be conscious of what it’s like being on the other side,” Gwilym answered. “Y/N certainly was, and I really admired that. I’ll definitely want the women to know that I understand being in their shoes. That, and giving every relationship a chance to thrive, but acting quickly if I know it’s not right. I don’t want to waste any time, since we have so little of it.”

“Now, are you concerned at all that the issue of being ready to propose or saying I love you will come up again?” Chris asked.

“Well, not so much now that I’m the one in control,” Gwilym said. “I know that I’ll want to save that I love you for the proposal - should I get there - because I won’t be concerned about the women having feelings for someone else.”

“Have you sought any advice from previous Bachelors?” Chris continued.

“A few of them have reached out to me, since the news has been known among us for a while,” Gwilym said. “Arie reached out, as did Colton, Sean Lowe, and even Ben Higgins. So, I’m getting a lot of tips, and I’m sure I’ll get even more.”

“Are you nervous at all?” Chris pressed.

“Oh, incredibly,” Gwilym said. “I’m dreading rose ceremonies and things like that. But, ultimately the goal is to find love. Seeing how it worked out for Y/N and Joe makes me really hopeful.”

“So there’s an element of excitement too?” Chris asked.

“Naturally,” Gwilym returned. “I just hope I’m capable and that I find what I’m looking for.”

“How does your family feel about you taking this on?”

“They were apprehensive initially,” Gwilym explained. “But I assured them that the feelings are real and that I’m prepared to give my heart to this journey.”

You and Joe watched the interview from backstage. You recalled your own interview when you were first named the Bachelorette, and the storm of emotions that came with that, and felt a twinge of sadness that it was all over. Then you looked over at Joe. The man this show had brought you to. The man you would spend forever with, and you were filled with gratitude.

Your journey was not quite over, after all. You had a whole new one to look forward to.

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aceofwhump · 4 years

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Okay so I got back into my Supergirl binge, just finished season 3, and I HAVE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. So buckle up cause I'm just gonna put this all under post. There’s a lot here. It's really random and incoherent and long so I'm putting it under a read more.

If you’ve been with me a while you know I can get....passionate about characters I love so this probably won’t be anything new lol. For all you newcomers this is a good time to warn you that I can get long winded in my outpouring of affection for certain whumpees.

Also, spoiler alert I guess if you haven't watched. And if you are a Mon-El hater reading this please don’t interact. I won’t put up with that bullshit. This is positive Mon-El post cause I LOVE MON-EL SO MUCH

TW: discussions of child abuse, emotional and physical

First of all, you guys remember me posting about how much I loved Mon-El and how I had thoughts on how I wanted him whumped? I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED!!!! God he got whumped so good!! The gunshot! The Medusa virus!! The emotional angst! The stuff with Rhea!! The lead poisoning!! Him having to leave! HEARTBREAKING! WONDERFUL! I LOVE IT!! I NEED MORE!! He whumps so so good!! And there's still soooooo many ways I'd love to see but probably won't get to. Ugh so many opportunities and ideas I'd love to explore.

Secondly, I have feelings about Mon-El and Rhea and Daxam in general.

Oooh boy do I have feelings. OH MY GOD the Mon-El angst that can/does come out of it all is so fucking delicious!

Rhea is one abusive, manipulative BITCH and I feel so bad for Mon-El! I can only imagine the things he went through a child if she is doing this shit to him as an adult. In the show we’ve seen that Rhea has physically struck him (not only did she slap him across the face but she also punched him so hard in the chest he went flying across the room), locked him up on their ship (and was going to keep him in caged for the next 4 years while she brainwashed him into being the "prince” he used to be), continually emotionally manipulates him, murdered his father and blamed it on him, repeatedly ignores his wishes and words, attacked the people he loves, threatens him, guilt trips him, tried to force him into a marriage using the lives of sick children to manipulate him into it, took locks of his hair without his consent in order to make a progeny with his dna (seriously what the fuck!), invaded his new home with an army, plays on his emotions and love for her as his mother to manipulate him, lies to him, and so much more.

Shes a monster and if she does this shit to him now then you can bet she did this shit when he was growing up. And that hurts me. Thinking about how emotionally and physically abusive Rhea must have been to Mon-El as he grew up in Daxam is heartbreaking

(Also, did Mon-El actually ever learn that his mother murdered his father!? Cause I'd have liked to see Kara tell him and his reaction towards it! He would have been devastated by it. And it would have been really hard for Kara to tell him something like that. Oh man can you imagine the guilt he'd feel over that!? My heart.)

Then there’s everything we learn about Daxam through things Mon-El says and how his parents act and my god if I grew up in that environment i’d be messed up too. I mean he’s canonically said in 2x20 that "we'd drug ourselves, so we literally didn't feel anything" back in Daxam. That’s so fucking heartbreaking! And he says this after he think he sees (he does actually see her but doesn’t believe he did) his mom on the streets and nearly has a fucking panic attack!

Mon-El: I, um... (SIGHS) I thought I saw my mother last night. I didn't. Don't worry. I went and checked, and my parents' ship definitely had left for Daxam a few weeks ago. But thinking I saw her, it... I thought it would make me feel anger. But I felt, um... Other... Other stuff... I just... I hate... I hate that I still care about her.

Kara: Hey, we can't will ourselves to not feel anything. Life doesn't work like that.

Mon-El: On Daxam, that's exactly what we'd do. We'd drug ourselves, so we literally didn't feel anything.

Kara: You're allowed to miss her. She is your mother.

Mon-El: Well, she's gone forever. So...

AND! And! I was thinking about when Mon-El saw her on the streets and how much it effected him and how much of an emotional roller coaster that was for him. From the fear of seeing her again to realizing that he still loves her despite everything she’s done and it’s so heartbreaking seeing how much he doesn’t want to feel anything towards her but he does and it hurts him. God fuck Daxam and fuck Rhea. I’m glad he got out of that crap planet and into an environment where he can grow and heal.

Third: Mon-El has been through so much and I really really want to see someone talk to him about it and see him breakdown and someone hug him dammit!

Let’s take a look at everything Mon-El has been through for a second. I mean he witnesses the destruction of Daxam and is forced into an escape pod and is sent into space before he can even think anything. He crash lands on an unknown planet, is in a coma for a while, wakes up panicked and confused with a Kryptonian over him and for him no time has past since he escaped Daxam and he doesn’t know his people are dead so he runs and tries to get home. He’s in unknown territory and he’s in distress and gets caught by Kara who hates him because hes from Daxam and she knocks him and locks him up. So he’s confused and being confronted by a Kryptonian with a clear prejudice against him and then he learns HIS PEOPLE AND PLANET ARE DEAD and he is a refugee now and jeezus that must have been really hard to hear! But no time to process that I guess cause now you have to learn to navigate a strange world but oh you can't leave this facility yet cause we don't trust you. So here live in this random corner of this room. Who needs it to feel homey. Then he gets kidnapped by an evil organization while trying to help someone and gets shot in the leg. Then he gets infected with a virus and nearly dies. All the while he's hiding the fact that he's the prince of Daxam because he’s afraid if Kara finds out she'll hate him again like when they first met (I mean she flat out said at one point that she didn’t want to go on a date with him because of the way he is/who he is) and you know what HE WAS RIGHT! Doesn’t matter that he's trying to change or that his identity would have been a bad thing to blurt out to a Kryptonian. Kara breaks up with him and let's be real who can he go to to talk about this? No one. Cause they'd all take Kara's side. He maybe could go to Winn but not really. Things get better eventually and then his fucking parents show up and he’s back in that emotionally and physically abusive relationship and he’s trying to be stronger and better and he sacrifices himself over and over for Earth and for Kara. But no matter what he does he'll always be a Daxamite and never really trusted by them and that hurts. Winn (and yes of course Kara) was really the only one to truly care that the lead bomb would kill him too. That hurts me. Also! Also! He saw Rhea that day on the street and can you imagine the emotional tailspin that would have thrown him into!? Can you imagine if you saw you evil abusive mother on the street?

SOMEONE LOVE AND HUG MY SON!!

Wow sorry I got long winded there but god I have FEELS!!!!

Which I guess brings me to my next discussion: My feelings about Mon-El's return and the Legion.

Surprisingly I was not as upset over Mon-El and Saturn Girl (and the subsequent death of my favorite top Karamel cause fuck that hurts guys) as I thought I'd be and it took me a minute to work out why. The reason why is because the Legion are his family. Mon-El found his family and his purpose and he's happy. He lived 7 years in the future where he mourned his home and Kara and he found people who love him and he found purpose. He built a legacy, a family, based on everything Kara had taught him and that's amazing. I never felt like he fit in with the DEO group other than Winn and Kara. Even with Kara he sometimes still didn't feel like he fit. But with Imra and Brainy? It feels different. It feels good. They don’t see him as an untrustworthy Daxamite like the others did. To the Legion he’s just Mon-El. From the way he interacts with both Imra and Brainy and the quick lines he throws out about their lives in the future you can feel how different it is for him. They love him, they trust him. He called Brainy his best friend! It feels happy and they feel close just like a family. And I'm so so happy that its Winn who ends up going with him back to the future cause not only did Mon-El deserve to have his best friend back but Winn deserved that adventure and it makes me so damn happy.

I was really sad when he left again and really sad that he and Kara weren’t going to be together but it’s okay because he’s happy! Look at how much Mon-El has grown! He’s a true hero! He’s brave and smart and selfless and strong and I couldn’t be more proud of him. Being back was really hard for him but he tried to not hurt Kara and in the end he made the best decision for both of them. I’m so proud of him.

I wish so desperately that I could get a whole fanfic or series or even just tons of headcanons about his time forming and fighting with the Legion cause I want to see that family grow. That's a team I can get behind. I want to see everything that Mon-El went through from the time he landed in the future for the first time to him waking up in 3x07. I want to see how he adjusts and who he meets and see him slowly start fighting and finding others to fight with him cause Kara taught him to help people so he'll help people while he's stick here. I want to see him learn how to fight, him learning his cape tricks, getting his supersuit, fighting with the Legionnaires. But I also want to see him slowly lose hope of every returning home of ever seeing Kara again and how that affects him and hopefully see the rest of the Legion help him through that. To see that family begin to grow. To see him slowly accept that he won't ever see his home or Kara ever again. To see him reluctantly fall in love again. To see him accept his fate and make a home in the 31st century. To protect it and fight for it and his new family. To begin to feel happy and content in the future and finally feel at ease with his life again after years of closing himself of from others too afraid to lose them and hurt again. I want to see all of this. I also want to see what they're like now that Winn has joined them and how much fun those two have together in the future. How do the Legionnaires feel about losing Brainy? How do they feel about Winn? How do they bond?

One final thought. Less about Mon-El and more about the fandom.

You guys warned me about the hate he gets but oh my god I did not expect to see hatred in such a level as I did when I ventured into the tag looking for gifs. Jeezus fuck. I don't understand it. I do not understand how anyone could hate that adorable space puppy. Mon-El worked so hard to unlearn all of the bad things he's been taught since birth and is instead learning from Kara how to be a hero. And he does! He learns and grows and it's amazing and I'm so proud of him! He becomes a caring and supportive and loving boyfriend and is well on the way to being a real hero! He stands up against his evil abusive mother and turns away his people and fights for Kara and for Earth. I'm proud of him. Yes he makes mistakes but he recognizes it and tries really hard to learn from them and do better! How can you hate him with such vehemence!? How!? I've seen less hated towards actual villains! Villains who murder with glee and without remorse! Villains whose backstory is nothing than "I want to". But Mon-El is the one to get hated on? And for those fans to not just attack Mon-El going as far as to call him abusive (the fuck?) but to go after other fans who like him and ship Karamel? To go after Chris Wood himself?! The vitriol I've seen spouted is horrifying. I thought the hate I got for being a Grant Ward or a Roger Mackenzie fan was bad. And it was/is but this is....wow. Just wow. I'll never understand it.

I love Mon-El greatly. He's such a complex character. I love watching people grow and learn and his character development is a gift to watch. Seeing him go from the playboy asshole he started as to the caring and brave hero he is now is wonderful to watch. And I love him and Kara. You can see the love between Chris and Melissa every second the two of them on screen together and it warms my heart that they found each other, that after everything Melissa went through she found her happiness with Chris. And you can see that happiness with Kara and Mon-El. They were so cute and loving and so full of light. I love them and will continue to support and love Karamel forever.

#mod post #mod rambles like crazy #supergirl #mon el #mon el positivity #i love mon el and i got the feels #my thoughts

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evcryopeneye · 3 years

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@elegantyoungmaster Continued from x

Of course he could tell something was bothering him. Jin Ling wasn't able to be anything but open with his loved ones. Those who knew what to look for could read him like he was a well known book. His head tilted to the side and he stretched himself out across the floor of the room. They were always finding each other between hunts, or on Night Hunts, his Sworn brother, had been avoiding home not that Jin Ling could blame him.

"Ah, you want me to say I miss Sizhui ?" he asked slanting a glance to the other boy. "I mean I do, of course I do." his tone softened. "Its more then that though, I mean that's just a part of it." he stated. "I got poisoned and that's why I escaped out on this night hunt." he held a hand up. "I am fine now, I have a cultivation method that allows me to suffer through it and it hurts like fucking hell..but it doesn't give me lasting damage." he explained. "It's not the first time someone has tried this shit--its the first time they actually caught me." he murmured. "I am just glad Sizhui was in Gusu when it happened." arms went under his head. "He'd have gone through the roof, turns out...Sizhui has a temper under all the warm politeness, and the kind smiles." it was never directed at him so he was fortunate.

"Did you know he put Jin Chan in the healing ward ?" he asked with a raised brow. "Why are Significant Other's scary when crossed." it was a retorical question. "I owe yours an apology, and you too..." he stated "Since I made her cry." he sounded wretched about that. "I was just trying to make sure she wasn't going to break your heart, and I might have been to harsh, and I...looked up stuff, and did you know what the Jin Sect did to the He Sect..." he rubbed a hand over his face.

"Just when I think that the Jin Sect has done everything it can possible do to be over the top evil...I uncover yet another tidbit."he sat up unable to get comfortable. “So yeah, that’s really bothering me, how the fuck do I deal with a Sect, that I don’t feel like I am apart of. Like there is what I was brought up knowing, and then there is ALL OF THIS.” he expanded his arms outwards.

The outpouring of emotion stunned him for a moment. It was hard to take so much information in at once. Zizhen blinked, trying to count all of the information on his brain and all he could do was sit and listen. Process the fact someone had tried to kill his brother, which instantly put him in a bad mood, though it would have to wait for later. The emotional outburst filled him with concern. It was out of character, and if he was emotional, then Zizhen knew it was simply the tip of an iceberg.

With a soft breath, Zizhen gently shook his head, “because they care about you, because they are scared.” He pointed out. “People who love you, they are frightened and upset, angry that someone would hurt you.” It was a natural instinct he supposed. Zizhen would do the same if someone tried to kill WenRou.

Struggling to find more words, all Zizhen could do was move, standing up unaided in one smooth motion, he cleared the distance between them and sat down on his knees. Then reached forward. Arms enveloped his brother in a warm embrace, a tight hug that he wanted to hold onto forever and then finally voiced a thought. “You’re not alone in this shit storm.” Zizhen stated softly, he meant it. He absolutely meant it. He was not alone. He would be by his brother's side. “You are my brother, my Sworn Brother. You are the family I chose.” He hoped that said volumes. Jin Ling meant more to him than his family did.

Was that an awful thing to say?

“Jin Ling,” he sat back, put both hands on his brother's shoulders and took a deep breath, “my Sect...has spilled its fair share of blood. My father gloats of days, where they slaughtered other Sects in full. Lives for the glory days of wars that don’t exist anymore. Unable to set aside old grievances. These people are relics, and they are not one of us.” A nod, something that Zizhen truly believed. “You are not your blood. You are not the sins of your ancestors. I told Sizhui the same. None of us are our parents, they do not define us. The actions of those who came before us, are not ours.”

He let out a sigh, closed his eyes for a moment, searching for the right words, “but your anger is justified and valid, I feel sick when my father gets drunk, starts bragging with Sect Leader Yao. I do not find death counts impressive.” It was disgusting, but they were, as Zizhen had said, relics of the past. “We can’t do anything about what has already happened. No matter how much we wish we could.” It was done, they had only the road in front of them. “All we can do is lead by example. To be among the people, to actually attempt to protect and bring stability.” It was needed, the people cried out for it, they wanted to live not in fear of when the next war would come, but soundly sleep at night knowing something evil wasn’t going to rip through their village.

“You lead by example. Be you, unapologetically you.” There was a lump in his throat, Zizhen’s eyes burned, upset and emotional over the topic, it was one that hit very close to him. “You’re enough, you’re what people need and that scares some people, because the days where they can act with impunity is over.” Change was coming, and they were bringing it.

#elegantyoungmaster #&&char: Ouyang Zizhen

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glimmerglanger · 4 years

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LRPD Snippet idk 15

I got some more LRPD prompts over on AO3! Gonna try to work through them the next few days. Starting with a request for a visit from a Force Ghost (there were several requests, they’re all lumped here). Also for information about how Anakin’s run-in with the Sand People went in the LRPD!verse. This got... longer than I planned.

~~~~~~~~

Ben had woken up poorly more often than he could count throughout his life. Surprises when opening one’s eyes usually turned out to be unpleasant. The syndicates still sent assassins after them, every so often, after all. So he assumed the day was about to go poorly when he stirred, woken by a strange feeling in the back of his mind, blinking and noticing a strange blue light that had, most definitely, not been there when he and Anakin fell into bed the previous night.

The blue light came from a man. He appeared to be glowing, almost like a holo. He had tired eyes, long hair, a beard, Jedi robes, but that meant nothing. He seemed familiar. He sat by the side of the bed. Ben stiffened - thinking about the odds this was about to go terribly wrong - and felt Anakin stir from sleep in response. Ben had a lightsaber under his pillow - some habits never went away - and reached for it, slowly, even as he said, “Well, hello.”

“Hello,” the man said, and his voice sounded strange, as though it came from very far away.

It had an immediate effect on Anakin, who stiffened and pushed up, his breath audibly catching in his throat. And, Ben, staring at their strange visitor, finally placed the man’s face at the same time Anakin breathed out, “Master Qui-Gon.”

“Anakin,” Qui-Gon said - impossibly - with a tired smile on his face. “And…” He looked back at Ben, gaze sliding almost immediately away. “Ben, was it?”

“It was,” Ben said, fingers touching his lightsaber. He didn’t know exactly what was going on, but he knew Anakin’s old Master was long dead; more than a decade passed into the Force. Which meant this had to be some kind of trap, designed to throw them off their guard. “Who sent you here?”

“No one sent me,” Qui-Gon said, standing, his gaze on Anakin once more. He made to step forward, and Ben shoved aside blankets, on his feet without thought, saber in hand and lit.

“That’s close enough,” he said, the night air cool on his bare skin, but barely noticeable. He had… no good associations with Qui-Gon to cloud his mind. In fact, just the sight of the man made his shoulder ache, brought back the memories of old pains and the lowest point in his life. But he doubted the same would be true for Anakin; he’d served with Qui-Gon for years, he’d loved his old Master, whatever this ploy was, it was likely to have an effect on him.

Qui-Gon - or whatever or whoever he actually was - looked at him, apparently surprised, before abruptly averting his eyes. “Ben?” Anakin said, rolling to his feet at Ben’s back, a hand on his shoulder, “what are you doing?”

“He can’t actually be your old Master,” Ben said, reaching out to keep his other hand on Anakin, the flat of his hand against Anakin’s chest, because he knew, too well, how Anakin could be sometimes. “It’s some kind of trick, a trap. Stay behind me.”

“It’s no trap,” Qui-Gon said, looking over Anakin, expression tightening at his leg, at all the scars. “I am--”

“Dead,” Anakin said, quietly, some deep grief staining his voice. “Ben’s right.” The hum of his lightsaber igniting was a sweet comfort.

Qui-Gon shook his head. “Anakin,” he said, “listen to me, I have found a way to - to return, briefly, to speak with you. And--”

“Whoever came up with this plan is going to be sorry they did,” Anakin said, like a calm fact. There was a tinge of anger in his voice and through him in the Force, and Ben, even years later, tensed at the sound of it. It lasted only a moment, before Anakin released it.

“There’s no plan,” Qui-Gon said, hands extended to the side. “I only wished to see you, I don’t see why everyone is so surprised--”

“You’re leaving, now,” Anakin said, taking a step forward, Ben flanking around automatically; they’d fought beside one another so long, there was little need to speak plans out loud. He knew what Anakin would do.

“Anakin,” Qui-Gon said again, sounding frustrated, “listen to me, it is-- Do you recall, when we were assigned to protect Senator Amidala, and you wished to protect her alone?”

Anakin drew up short, blinking. “What?”

“Knowledge of that mission is not uncommon,” Ben said, from Qui-Gon’s other side, his heart beating at his ribs. Anakin shifted his stunned gaze and nodded, his expression clearing once more.

“But how many know what happened after we found your mother on Tatooine, Anakin?” Ben watched Anakin freeze, going completely still. “How many know what I was forced to do in that camp, to stop you?” There was silence, for a moment, broken only by Anakin’s panting breath, and then Qui-Gon continued, “It is me. Can you not feel it, through the Force?”

“This is impossible,” Anakin said, his voice rough.

“No,” Qui-Gon said, shaking his head. “Through the Force, it is possible. Please, can we not speak?”

Qui-Gon agreed to put any discussions on hold, until they could dress. Ben pulled his clothes on methodically, keeping an eye on Anakin, who seemed… Not quite living in the present moment. Ben felt his distress, his lack of balance through the Force.

Ben himself felt… Uneasy. Looking at Qui-Gon threw his thoughts back into the past. He remembered the man mostly as he had looked spread out in death. The memories were linked, irrevocably, to Anakin gripping his shoulders and shoving him against the wall, to the outpouring of rage into his head, to--

“Ben,” Anakin said, agonized, hands on Ben’s skin, curling him into an embrace, holding him there in the middle of their room. “Force, Ben, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Ben shook his head, turning his face against Anakin’s shoulder, hiding there for a moment. It was an old wound, long healed. Sometimes it still hurt. “I’ll send him away,” Anakin said, stroking a hand up and down Ben’s back. “You just - you stay here, and I’ll--”

“He came here for a reason,” Ben said, eyes closed, breathing in slow and deep, releasing the flood of sense memories away. “You should hear him out.”

“It hurts you,” Anakin said, a protest, “I--never again, Ben, I’m not going to sit there and watch you hurt ever again, I--”

“It hurts you, too,” Ben said, shifting back, enough to cup Anakin’s cheek, to tug on him enough that they could rest their foreheads together. “I feel it. But.” He shrugged. “We can face it. Together.” He quirked a smile. “We’ve faced worse.”

Anakin said nothing for a moment, and then nodded. “We have,” he agreed, and shifted enough to brush a kiss across Ben’s mouth. “Alright. Come on, then.” He straightened, as though preparing for battle, and took Ben’s hand.

The… ghost, for lack of a better term, was waiting out in the living area of their current quarters. Qui-Gon stood at the window, looking out over the small city where they’d found themselves. He still radiated blue light.

Ben kept a couch between them, his attention split between Anakin and Qui-Gon, as Anakin moved to the kitchen, returning with two glasses. Ben took his when offered, and drank deeply. “Alright,” Anakin said, after draining his glass. “We, uh, we’re ready. To speak.”

“I thought,” Qui-Gon said, looking over at them, gaze sliding past Ben, editing him out. All the Jedi did that, still, so many years later. Except the ones who met him, first. Those edited out his brothers. “That you and I could speak, Anakin. Perhaps alone, for a--”

“No,” Anakin said, shaking his head once, curling an arm around Ben. “Ben’s not going anywhere.”

Qui-Gon grimaced, just a little, before smoothing his expression. “Very well,” he said. “If that is what you wish.”

“It is very much what I wish,” Anakin said, and something in Ben eased, just a little, some tension he had not realized grew within him. Long ago, so many years ago, Anakin had blamed him for losing Qui-Gon. Had wished - however briefly - that he’d chosen Qui-Gon and his feelings on attachment above Ben.

Ben had not realized he still carried a kernel of the pain left behind by that feeling around, until it lessened. He blinked, rapidly, glancing to the side and releasing the feeling into the Force while working to keep his breathing even.

“I…” Qui-Gon hesitated. “We left things poorly. You and I.”

Anakin made a little sound, amused but sharp. “We did,” he agreed.

“I am sorry for my part in it,” Qui-Gon said, and Anakin flinched, just a little, as though that was not what he’d expected to hear.

“What?” he asked, quietly.

“I’ve had much time to contemplate,” Qui-Gon continued. “And I am sorry that our bond suffered, before my death.”

Anakin’s fingers clenched tight in Ben’s shirt, hidden from view. Ben rested a hand on his back, an automatic little gesture of comfort. Anakin rasped, “I am, as well. I - I was angry. Furious, really. With you.”

Qui-Gon’s mouth quirked. “So I felt,” he said.

“Force,” Anakin said, rubbing a hand up over his face. “So this is… you just came back to…” He gestured, out to the side.

“Not just to apologize, no,” Qui-Gon said, shaking his head. “There are… other reasons. But I wanted to… to repair things, between us, Anakin.”

Anakin nodded, something in his emotions shifting. His jaw worked for a moment before he spoke again, to ask, “Who did you go to see, first?”

Qui-Gon shifted, across the room. “What do you mean?”

“You said,” Anakin said, quietly, “that everyone seemed so surprised to see you.” He swallowed, looking up. “You went to see Once, didn’t you?”

Qui-Gon blinked. “I visited Obi-Wan, yes, he was easier to--”

“That’s not his name,” Anakin cut in, tone growing sharper. “That was never his name. Obi-Wan died on Naboo almost twenty-five years ago, Master.”

Qui-Gon stared at him, but only for a beat, before looking to the side. “And then the Force returned him.”

Anakin shivered, though their rooms were, as always, slightly too warm. He made a little sound, and said, “Force, it really was you, wasn’t it? From the very beginning? He really didn’t--” Anakin stiffened, then. “Wait, you visited him? Is he alright?”

And something about the honest, sudden concern that Ben felt from him soothed another old hurt. Anakin had been angrier with Once than Ben had ever sensed for any other person. When Ben first came upon them in the viewing room, he had been sure Anakin would kill his brother, if not thrown off course.

The few times they’d run into one another after the war had been…tense. They always left Anakin feeling unsettled and unhappy. Guilty and hurt in near equal measure.

“He seems… unwell,” Qui-Gon said, expression twisting towards misery. “His mind suffered terrible wounds. I thought I would be able to help, but--”

“Not happy to see you, was he?” Anakin said, and turned to the side, dragging a hand back over his head.

“Obi-Wan has always been--”

“He’s not Obi-Wan, Master!” Anakin rarely shouted, these days. “He’s never wanted to be Obi-Wan. Force, you’re lucky Cody isn’t here. He’d find a way to slug you across the jaw, let me tell you.”

Qui-Gon sighed. He said, “I wanted to discuss this with you calmly, Anakin.”

“Calmness isn’t always appropriate, Qui-Gon,” Anakin said, slumping just a little, looking tired. Ben took his hand, and Anakin squeezed, threading their fingers together. “I think, maybe, you need to contemplate things a little more… Maybe you can… I don’t know. Find Obi-Wan. The real Obi-Wan. Wherever you came from.”

There was silence for a moment, thick, and Qui-Gon spoke softly when he broke it. “I cannot.”

“What?” Ben asked, because there was something alarming about the thought that their progenitor had not… passed onwards into the Force, enough to lead him to interrupting this conversation.

“He is not there,” Qui-Gon said, a grimace twisting his mouth. “Or…. He is, in a way. I sense his thoughts, sometimes. But his presence in the Force is… scattered. Split.” He looked up, then, directly at Ben for perhaps the first time in either his life or his death. There was something reproachful in his tone when he spoke, “He has been denied wholeness.”

“That’s enough,” Anakin said, the words startling Ben almost as much as his sudden movement. He was not entirely sure what had prompted Anakin to shift in front of him, drawing Ben firmly back a step and behind his shoulder.

Qui-Gon looked away, breaking the line of his gaze. He said, tired, “Are we going to quarrel again, Anakin?”

“We might,” Anakin said. “I’d rather we didn’t.”

Qui-Gon nodded and straightened. “Perhaps I should… go. Contemplate further, as you have said.”

“That might be a good idea,” Anakin said, a hand still on Ben’s side, as though… Well. Ben wasn’t sure exactly what he was worried about, but he felt concerned, all the same.

“It was good to see you again, Anakin,” Qui-Gon said, and he looked sad, all at once. Sad and lost. Anakin opened his mouth, but Qui-Gon was gone before he could speak, dissolving into nothing but motes of light, dispersing through their apartment.

Anakin made a choking sound, sagging, and Ben curled arms around him, holding him as he gasped, “Force.”

“It’s alright,” Ben said, automatically, running a hand up Anakin’s back, fingers sliding into his hair, holding him. They remained there, clenched tight to one another, as the sun rose outside their windows.

#my fic #lrpd verse #ben and anakin #force ghosts

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aspinelikeasword · 4 years

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A Voyeur of My Own Body

*CW: mention of sexual trauma, dissociation

I want to feel, in my body, my own growing beliefs. I want to feel and embody the boundaries I create and the accomplishments I’ve made. I really want to feel the love people give me, the compliments, the pleasure, the acts of service. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t live solely in my head, viewing the world, myself, and my experiences through a convex perspective of dissociation.

The conditioning to repress and hide my feelings is a destructive narrative that I grew up with; that other people will be pulled down, disgusted, and not want to be around me. That they might even die if I cried or expressed hurt. Everything was made out to be a catastrophe when I was little, and I felt like the smallest person with the greatest negative influence.

I grew up divorced from my emotions, rationalizing everything, which trapped me in this neural pathway that I run deeper and deeper when I feed the same thought patterns, making it increasingly difficult to switch tracks. This endless etching triggers feelings that trigger actions. I then overthink those actions which compound into an endless cycle of behaviours that go down to a cellular level.

My healing feels like honey has been poured over my head and it is settling; moving slowly downward and around. Trickles are starting to move into my chest, wrapping warm, golden tendrils around my heart. My mind activates at this foreign feeling and the thoughts start to tangle in the sticky cloud in my head.

I’m trying to take care to come into my body, to stay with myself as much as I want to flee, to feel my emotions, and try to locate their presence. This is so damn hard but I know it’s where all my healing needs to happen. I need to move the rocks at the bottom of the depths to allow the sediment to filter to the surface. I’ve come to this place because nothing else is working. My mind, while quicksilver, is not a place to find my higher self. My physical being is starting to exhibit palpable pain and discomfort. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I owe it to myself to find out how good it can be, how secure, how happy.

------------------------

I recognize that my inability to allow anyone to touch my body, especially with tenderness (other than safe hugs from people I trust) is rooted in sexual and physical trauma. I learned that it wasn’t safe to occupy my body; that I couldn’t carry it without shame, without fear, or a sense of looking out of my eyes through the male gaze, like a voyeur of my own body.

So I built those walls out of self-protection, but I built them so high and so thick that it’s turned against me and now few can get in and I can’t find my way out.

Maybe the walls serve another heart-breaking purpose. Maybe the barrier I created not only keeps me away from the threat of abandonment, of rejection, of hurt and abuse, but it keeps my own body out; divorce my mind and change the locks. My physical self was a tool that turned into a weapon used against me and I’ve grown to hate the violence it holds, the remnants of all the people who intruded upon my body and the space around it.

There is a term in forensics called Locard’s Exchange Principle that says that anytime you make contact with a person, place or thing, you take something with you and leave something behind. Traditionally, this means stuff like DNA, clothing, and fingerprints. But what about all the stuff that can’t be bagged and tagged?

How do I remove from my body the essence, the words, the energy, the social conditioning? How do I reclaim a body that seems so far away that I can’t even feel it? How do you reclaim what you can’t touch or grab onto and pull back? And how do I grieve so much lost time, lost pleasure, lost feeling, lost evolution? I’m so close to all of this, my face pressed up against the glass with such force, trying to find the answers, that I can’t see a hand in front of my face.

------------------------

Something that I’ve held onto for years, something that soothes me is the scientific fact that every 7 years, every cell in your body is replaced with a new one. That means that you have a new physical self at 7, 14, 21, 28 etc.

It also means that people from your past haven’t touched the body you have. They haven’t felt your skin, they haven’t looked into your beautiful eyes. It’s like they never existed, as though it never happened, which can be comforting if you don’t look deeper. My physical body fell away, but the energy left behind is still there; the stain on the floor, the imprint on my heart. It’s mingling with those new cells and I don’t want them casting impressions.

I want so badly to heal RIGHT NOW because I feel like everything I want, everything I want to be and do is on the other side of the roadblock of trauma I can’t seem to move or see around. But it’s a honey-drip. It’s a slow, subtle warming that burns my skin on contact, like standing in the shower when you have a fever. It acclimates with time, a willingness to feel, and with trust in myself and the process. I’m working on this.

------------------------ For now though, there is one thing I come back to that makes me feel solid and held down by gravity, the great weighted blanket of the universe: dancing. When I got sober, I didn’t go out dancing for two years. I was scared I’d be bad at it, that people would stare, and my social anxiety would choke me out because I had only ever danced in public while drunk out of my mind. I was a good dancer then (or at least that’s what I told myself because I didn’t care who saw me, I didn’t care about much to be honest). When I finally went out dancing with friends two winters ago, it felt like a spiritual experience. I moved with abandon and realized that I actually am a good dancer. Or I genuinely no longer cared what anyone thought of me.

So I dance wildly, taking up space because I made myself small for so long and it hurt so bad. I dance with my eyes closed now, not because I’m self-conscious, but because it helps me come into my body. And my god, I feel free. I feel exhilarated, like I’m experiencing my highest self. I move about the room like a butterfly, testing out my integrated self, dancing on my own or with random people who respect my personal space. I’m in the moment and nothing hurts.

But I haven’t danced in a while. For all the self-confidence I have developed and the self-care I prioritize, I still struggle with pleasure (sexual or otherwise) and feeling like I deserve to feel good so I don’t do the very things I know will help me heal. I’m also working on this.

-----------------------

I wrote this early one morning when everything was quiet and I was shot through with inspiration. Then as I strung together the sentences the fear started to set in that it would be too much, too scary, too triggering for anyone who might read it. That people would think I’m broken beyond repair and who could ever love all this?

Fuck that voice. That’s not my voice. So I’m putting it all down here, a proper place to honour these feelings, to make them real and valid. I’m doing the opposite of what my mind wants me to do and I can’t stop crying. It’s that deep, feral outpouring, the kind that feels like my body is trying to speak, so I’m letting it. I’m practicing radical honesty, vulnerability, and compassion by sharing all of this, by standing on top of the shame and planting my flag of resilience.

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daresplaining · 5 years

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Matt: “I realize that I’ve been fighting this entire time. And I’ve won... nothing. There was no moment of realization that I needed to use the time I had. No grand unmasking to Frank McGee and the others. No last tragic night with Elektra. No battle against incredible odds with Daredevil triumphant. No emotional reunion with my brother, no redemption for him. No redemption for me. No perfectly timed reveal of just the information I needed to bring the Kingpin to trial. No outpouring of support from the city’s heroes. No glorious takedown of Wilson Fisk. No final, epic fight with the Vigil. Nothing. Just a man on a table, trying not to die.”

Daredevil vol. 5 #612 by Charles Soule and Phil Noto

Soule’s Daredevil run has ended, and it went out with a heck of a twist: the revelation that the last four issues of the series didn’t actually happen, and were instead a happy dream Matt had while dying on the operating table. It’s an ending that fits with themes that came up earlier in the run: most notably, the concept of powerlessness and immobility, and the idea that Matt’s worst fear is being aware of injustice yet being unable to do anything about it.

Matt: “The entire world goes to hell, I know about it, I have the power to help, and I do... nothing.”

Daredevil vol. 5 #19 by Charles Soule, Marc Laming, Miroslav Mrva, and Matt Milla

In Daredevil vol. 1 #228, there’s a very powerful moment in which Matt imagines getting out of bed, walking through the door, facing down the Kingpin, and winning... but he can’t actually bring himself to move. This ending has very much the same feel to it, though in this case Matt’s inaction is further justified by his literally being in a coma. And of course, it also embodies one of the oldest Daredevil themes: Matt’s ability to fight on in the midst of great hardship. Because if that final heartbeat can be believed, despite the arc being titled “The Death of Daredevil”, Matt survives.

It’s a great ending, as dark as it is, and it explains all of the nagging inconsistencies and weirdnesses of this final arc. It seemed odd that Matt could heal so quickly in #609; now it makes perfect sense. I complained at length about Elektra’s fleeting presence and uncharacteristic behavior in #610; but as an oversimplified dream encounter based on Matt’s feelings toward Elektra, it works. As fantastic as Mike’s grand entrance in #611 was, he literally materialized out of nowhere. And Matt listing every bad thing he’s ever witnessed the Kingpin do? How many hours would that realistically take? There’s also this moment:

Matt: “Right... let’s just see who’s under there.”

Daredevil vol. 5 #612 by Charles Soule and Phil Noto

Obviously, if it were real life this would be a major sensory snafu, because it’s visual. Masks don’t mean anything to Matt. But since it’s a dream, we can take this as the metaphor it’s clearly meant to be: Matt waking up enough to examine the situation, and thereby breaking the illusion of the dream.

As sad as it is that these events didn’t actually happen, it’s almost as great to know that Matt subconsciously conjured them up (hey, I want an army of Stilt-Mans too!). I’m particularly tickled that Matt’s ideal dream victory would include an “emotional reunion with [his] brother”, because as has probably become clear to anyone who’s been following this blog, I’m really invested in that continuing relationship. I’m delighted that Matt is as well.

The Man Without Fear mini-series coming out January 2019 seems to imply that despite Matt’s apparent survival, he will be out of action for long enough that Daredevil’s absence will be noted. We can expect some rough times ahead for him and I, for one, can’t wait.

#Daredevil vol. 5 #Daredevil #Matt Murdock #Commentary

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voicesfromthelight · 5 years

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A Follow-up on The Attunement: A Warning on El Paso, And What It Taught Me About The Importance of Building Symbolic Vocabularies

Today’s post will be a follow-up on events that have transpired in the last 48 hours, since I received my energetic attunement from my guides. The last two days have been interesting, exhilarating, and intense. I’ve felt a very clear shift in my ability to receive information from Spirit, and the events I’ve experienced have helped me figure out some useful things about how this energy works. They have also emphasized to me the importance of working with your guides to both fine-tune and expand communicative vocabularies.

As a quick recap, in case readers don’t feel inclined to revisit the previous post: Two days ago, I woke up to the awareness that I had been a sent a clairvoyant image, for which I was also given claircognizant instructions on how to find it. The instructions quickly led me to the correct photograph of unrest in Hong Kong. When I went to channel later in the day, my guides confirmed that the image had been transmitted to me with the intention of bolstering my latent clairvoyant ability. After obtaining my consent, my guides then gifted me with a powerful energy attunement that they said would help me develop my clair-senses, quicken the manifestation of my goals, bring through new teachings, and also aid me in energy healing through allowing me to work together with a new healer spirit guide. This energy could be passed on to other people simply through intention and mutual agreement. The experience of the attunement was electrifying, and I was able to pass the energy on to three people by the end of the day, reactivating it at will. All of them reacted palpably and positively. The most important piece of advice I received was to be very intentional about where I directed the energy, and to take even more care than before to avoid manifesting my fears through worry.

Having sent this energy attunement to three people, now, here is what I have figured out, so far:

1. This energy will adapt itself to the needs of the individual receiving it. Salvador’s instruction to be intentional in how it is directed is aimed not only at me, but at the recipients. They will gain the most benefit from the energy of the attunement when they clearly define what they wish to use it for, before receiving it.

2. It seems that when the energy is passed on, the attunement may work in a way similar to a strong, one-off energy healing, geared towards the recipient’s needs. I do not yet know if the attunement can be passed on by people who receive it from me. I suspect that in many cases, it can, depending on the person, their proclivities, level of psychic development, and intentions.

3. The energy is passed on simply by saying an opening prayer, re-activating the energy through intention, receiving consent for the attunement, and then visualizing the energy pouring into the recipient. I find myself using sound in the the form of whistling to help transmit it. The process takes about two minutes, but the energy can reach the recipient with a slight delay.

4. For me, the attunement has definitely strengthened my clairvoyance, and for some reason, at the moment, this is currently manifesting as being tapped into events that make international news headlines. I seem to be open to new methods of communication, with new guides.

Aside from these considerations about the nature of the energy and how it works, the events that have happened since the attunement have given me much to process. One sequence of events in particular, while upsetting and linked to a great tragedy, has already taught me a valuable lesson about the importance of giving our guides a rich bank of knowledge, or vocabulary of symbols, to work with when transmitting information.

This post will meander somewhat, but I think it’s important that I document and share everything that has transpired so far.

In the hours that followed the attunement, I enjoyed a great sense of well-being. I felt peaceful, grounded as well as energetically “whole,” as if any energetic cords of tension or lack linking me to other people had dissolved, and all my personal energy had been restored. Then, in the evening, something unexpected happened.

I had come back to my home in Brooklyn after a long day of running errands in Manhattan, and was planning on visiting a friend. Before leaving the house, I plopped down on the sofa in my living-room - which is where I usually do my channeling work - and dozed off for what must have only been fifteen minutes.

Within that short period of time, I quickly fell into a dream. I found myself looking at a room with dusty, red curtains covering the wall, which felt a little similar to some of the Argentine tango salons I frequent. As in those salons, people were gathered near the walls, but somehow, the situation felt more like a family wake than a tango milonga. Some of the 20 or so people, of all different ages, genders and sizes, I knew were of Mexican descent. They didn’t seem to see me back. I was merely an onlooker. Only one man standing in the crowd - a dapper Mexican gentleman with distinctive, almond-shaped eyes and a moustache, wearing a suit and tie - turned his gaze to me momentarily, and nodded slightly, a strange, solemn look on his face.

And then, I knew, they were dead souls.

I didn’t know why I had been brought into the presence of this particular group, as I didn’t seem to have any personal connection to them, but they seemed to belong together in some way. Perhaps they were merely there because, for whatever reason, I happened to be seeing into their particular frequency band of the spirit world? Then, as my inner eyes scanned the crowd, they finally alighted on a sweet, familiar face. It was my friend from film school, Louie.*

Wait a minute. What was Louie doing in the middle of a group of dead souls?

What did I know about Louie, lately? He was young, recently married, and had a lot of life to look forward to. He was also of Mexican descent. Yes, he had had a health scare about a year ago, but had recuperated well. He lived far away, in Texas, and I hadn’t seen him in ten years. To suddenly see him standing there, surrounded by dead people, I thought, could only mean one thing. He had either suddenly passed, was about to, or was in mortal danger. As my concern mounted, my awareness inched towards a panicked lucidity. Something was terribly wrong. As my consciousness came hurtling out of the vision, I tried several times to physically call out Louie’s name, but no sound came out.

With my eyes still closed, but awake, now, through my eyelids, I could see and feel something that felt like a dense, red ball of energy, flashing with heat near my face, like a warning sign. It was as if it was broadcasting some kind of code containing all the emotional and intellectual information that was being transmitted to me in the dream. Every time it flashed, I felt the emotional response of terror flaring up. However, I knew the energy itself was not malicious. It was merely a semi-sentient package of information from Spirit - perhaps a thought form - very vigorously doing its job. It flashed a few times, and then, it was gone.

I opened my eyes, sat up, and tried to process what I had just experienced. It was a hot night. My fan was off. I sometimes have nightmares when I’m too hot. The inability to call out, and the feeling of the flashing ball of energy, surely were symptoms of sleep paralysis? On the other hand, after the morning’s very powerful developments, could my intuition be so off that I would dupe myself into thinking I had received a mediumistic communication of this caliber? That didn’t sit right, either.

I opened up my phone and looked up Louie’s Facebook page, half dreading to see a sudden outpouring of condolences on his wall. There were none.

Louie was safe and sound, in El Paso.

Over a late dinner, I hashed over everything that had happened with my friends, still not quite knowing what to think. Why had I seen Louie like that, when he was OK? Why couldn’t I shake the feeling that this was not just a vivid nightmare with some special effects added in for good measure, but a communication from Spirit?

The following morning, as I was going over the morning’s news headlines, I was reminded of the image I had been sent clairvoyantly as a prelude to my attunement. Despite its actually having been set in Hong Kong, when I had received it, I had mistakenly thought the scene was taking place in an Asian area of Russia. Now, instead of the Hong Kong protests, it was protests in Russia, in which hundreds of people had been arrested, that were making headlines. I wondered if the claircognizant information had been deliberately split to be relevant to both events: Russia and Asia? (This is how my guides’ verbally coded shorthand sometimes condenses information.) The question of how to process geographical information in Spirit communication was about to become more pressing.

I took the train into Manhattan with the intention of going to write in my customary café. It is worth mentioning that on the way there, another strange synchronicity happened, which I’m sure was orchestrated by my guides. I took a slightly different route than usual, and was serendipitously all but pulled off the street into an event where 25 shamanistic healers were conducting a group sound healing ceremony. I hadn’t been to a gathering like this for years, and the timing so soon after my attunement seemed perfect. (I had, in fact, been planning on attending events organized by the group behind it for over a year, but simply hadn’t gotten my act together.)

As I exited the event, I checked my phone. And that’s when I saw the headline: A mass shooting was taking place in El Paso, Texas. Where Louie lived. In fact, Louie was the only person I knew who lived there, and the first thing I would think of anytime anyone mentioned the city. Two possible suspects were still on the loose. The situation was still unfolding.

I quickly checked to see if Louie had posted anything online to let everyone know he was OK. Yes. He had posted a warning for people to stay away from the area of the shooting. Thank God, he was probably fine, and it was the proximity of the shooting that had triggered the warning I had received. I quickly messaged him, stumbling a bit over my wording, telling him to please stay safe. Then, I hoped for the best.

By the end of massacre, 20 people were dead, and at least 20 more, injured. I was haunted by the feeling of terror I had felt the night before, but Louie and his loved ones were safe. And that’s when I understood what had happened in the dream, and why.

The dream I had on my sofa was an authentic mediumistic communication. However, the reason I had seen Louie in the middle of the group of souls who were about to pass so tragically was not that he was to be among them, but because my strongest association with the city of El Paso, was Louie. Simply put, because of how my mind was wired to decode information, “Louie” was shorthand for “El Paso.”

This is where the lesson in this experience can be found.

It’s important to remember that Spirit will use the existing knowledge within the mind of the medium to give concrete form to intangible energy - which is why different mediums receive information in different ways. This is also why competent instructors of mediumship will encourage students to build up their knowledge of different subjects - and a bank of symbols for different concepts. If you memorize an entire book of baby names, Spirit won’t have to work as hard to get you to hear names in a mediumistic context. If you familiarize yourself with symbols associated with different faiths, you’ll know what a turban with a miniature dagger in it symbolizes, and what it does not. If you read up on the history of fashion, you might have an easier time pin-pointing the era and culture a spirit is hailing from.

…And if you familiarize yourself really thoroughly with geography and landmarks, well, Spirit won’t need to use your still-living buddy as a symbol for a city where a massacre is about to happen, scaring the crap out of you.

…And you will no longer confuse Moscow and Hong Kong.

Geeze!

This is an excellent takeaway.

I’ve heard stories of developing mediums who get so upset about receiving communications on tragedies, that they just say “Nope!” and shut down, sometimes for years. This experience was emotionally challenging, but didn’t make me want to reject the communication. So, last night, I sat down, and said to my guides: “Thank you for sending me this information. I do want to continue to receive truthful communication even when it’s unpleasant. But let’s make a deal. I’ll read up on landmarks, geography, and a whole bunch of other stuff, and you will use that new symbolic vocabulary to fine-tune your transmissions, so this kind of confusion doesn’t happen again, OK? Please make sure I don’t get scared that my friend is in mortal danger, unless it’s true and there is something I can do to help, or you at least know that hearing about it will soften the emotional blow.”

Now, it’s up to me to hold up my end of the deal. I am confident that they will hold up theirs.

What areas of knowledge do you think might help you with your Spirit communications? Do you have areas of expertise on which you find you will more readily receive specific information? What symbol systems work best with your communications? Think about how you can expand and develop them!

_________________________________________________

*Name changed to protect privacy.

#attunements #energy healing #spirit guides #precognition #intution #mediumship #symbolism #channeled messages #spirit #spiritual #el paso shooting #psychic #psychic medium #clairvoyance #psychic development #sleep paralysis #dreams #prophetic dreams #lucid dreams

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shark-myths · 5 years

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Writing Reflection: 2018

I was tagged by @horsegirlharry, who i will smooch in person in ONE WEEK!

1. Number of stories (including drabbles) posted to AO3: 15. I'm trying not to feel critical about my output this year: I was distracted by ~boy problems and emotional turmoil for a lot of 2018, so I absolutely slayed some journals but neglected my fic. but I also tackled some difficult projects, some of which I'm really proud of, and translated a lot of those big emotions back into writing, so there's a lot to give myself credit for.

2. Word count posted for the year: 224,001

3. List of works published this year (in order of posting)

Roman Candle Hearts

I'm A Wing, I'm A Prayer

The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique

your hips, your lips, are mine

in space, no one can hear you misgender me

Girl Firsts

halfway to your heart (starting from your knees)

Boys Next Door/Assholes

Vices & Vices

Early Morning Company

Jaws of Death

Baby You're A Haunted House

The Fixed Stars of Heaven

Sell Out Girl

Think of All The Fellas I Haven't Kissed

4. Fandoms I wrote for: Fall Out Boy, Battlestar Galactica, Panic! at the Disco, My Chemical Romance

5. Pairings: Pete/Patrick, Starbuck/Apollo, Pete/Brendon, Brendon/Ryan, Patrick/Michael Day, Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Joe/Andy

6. Story with the most:

Boys Next Door/Assholes, aka the peterick SUMMER BOYFRIENDS au, aka the fic I wrote about falling in love with my ex that captures the sweetness and suffering of new summer love in a very specific and tactile way. It has the most hits, kudos, and comments of anything I wrote in 2018. I'm so glad you guys loved it so much!

9. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

Sell Out Girl, the sequel to girl out boy, is incredibly important to me and I'm so fucking proud of how it turned out. emotionally, i am prouder of the girl out boy stories than anything else i've ever done. girlfic is how I am cleaning my wounds and healing my heart, and it is an honor to be doing that with you walking alongside me, and being touched and changed too. this fic was incredibly emotionally demanding but also, on a technical level, easy: there was lots of rambly internal monologues and angst, glitter-sharp language and poetical pain, which is my comfort zone as a writer for sure.

on a technical and writerly level, the one I'm most proud of is Baby You're A Haunted House, because i wrote it *fast*, in a fandom I'm not comfortable or familiar in, in a style I don't usually use, and to achieve a very specific artistic effect with the unreliable narrator and shifting sands of reality, while heartbroken. so I'm pleased as fuck with how it came out. it's one of my favorite things I've written in the past several years, and the perfect kind of challenge for me.

10. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

ugh, The Fixed Stars of Heaven . I usually love everything I write, but my experience of writing this fic was terrible. I was never inspired (except when researching the ISS and zero-g botany!) and the epistolary format meant I didn’t know how to develop the kind of tension I *live* for. the whole time I was writing, I didn’t go back and reread (a typical part of my process for matching tone) because I loathed it so much! I kept saying “well, something has to be my worst story” about it... and I still feel that way.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

It's impossible to choose--I like my writing a lot, that's why I write the way i do. all of Baby You're A Haunted House and I'm A Wing, I'm A Prayer are beautiful to me; the love letter Pete writes in Boys Next Door/Assholes; and the whole bathtub scene from chapter 5 of Sell Out Girl, of which this is the very best part:

“Pete is safe and warm and submerged, an egg in a mermaid’s purse, waiting to swim out as a shark whenever she’s ready. She holds her breath and feels her baby beat within her. She looks up at Pat and fears nothing, nothing but love.”

12. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

every review I get makes impact on my heart. I take screenshots and save my favorites; you guys bolster me and keep me going. The best and most important reactions are the ones I get on Girl Out Boy stuff, and the outpouring of fanworks and support means the world to me. especially the way you guys showed up for and stood with me during my difficult breakup this year—wow. I love you so much.

my favorite reviews I’ve gotten this year have been a few different people who told me I was skilled at capturing the feeling of falling in love. as a feelings-and-process oriented romance writer, that means the world to me! I never know what plots my stories are going to have (my characters always surprise me), but I always know how I want a fic to feel. I’m never more honored than when you feel it too.

13. A time when writing was really, really hard:

during the slow-motion process of one of my romantic relationships coming apart in September and October! I was so anxious and keyed up and self-obsessed and miserable during that time, I literally couldn’t bear to write, and when I tried I just kept wrecking the Girl Out Boys’ lives. you guys carried me through.

14. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I don’t want to spoil Sell Out Girl, but a ship I don’t typically ship popped up and I went with it, and I was exactly as surprised as everyone reading that it happened and that it felt so right and good!

15. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i tried new types of projects, like the fucking epistolary scifi fic, a flash fiction exercise, the unreliable narrator trope, and sequels. i wrote in a couple fandoms I'm less comfortable in, fairly often off of other people's prompts. I am trying to hone a cleaner writing style: I spend so much time lost and rambly in describing how characters feel, my stories lose a lot of chances for action and motion. i like my writing best when it is spare and vivid, able to actually evoke emotions rather than just tell you what they feel like. i think some of my fic this year really showcases that (like Vices & Vices ). i still grow so much as a writer, and learn so much about the craft, with each work.

i used an editing and revision process for Fixed Stars of Heaven, thanks to my dear friend JM, that i don't usually subject my work to. i also wrote through a project i was not enjoying, rather than dropping it as soon as my interest waned. my discipline as a wild, reckless writer is, slowly but surely, improving.

i wrote through my own shitty emotionally abusive relationship with a parent through the character of Andy in sell out girl, and got better at naming trauma and abuse and setting my own boundaries as a result of that.

i started reading (and a little bit writing) poetry again.

16. How do you hope to grow next year:

oh, i can't see that road! i hope i grow in ways i never expected cuz i'm faced with challenges in my work i could never have anticipated. generically, i hope i keep tightening my style and improving my discipline, and getting better at defending regular writing time.

17. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

- i read only works by women for the entire year of 2018, and the nourishing impact of that on my entire inner life cannot be overstated. i didn't even read a comic book or a work book if it was written by a man. i kept myself entirely pure of the labor of perspective-taking for men, or subjecting myself to men's conception of anybody else's experiential reality.

- @leyley09 my official Fic Enabler, who is SINGULARLY AND SOLEY to blame for at least two fics this year, and has encouraged my very worst ideas about a hundred more

- my unofficial cheerleading squad family on tumblr, who lifted me up and made sure i was healthy, supported, and well through my whole shitty relationship ending debacle. @glitterandrocketfuel, @secretstudentdragonblog, @allkindsofplatinumandpercocet, and @laudanumcafe -- not to mention every other beauty who commented on my sad-ass selfies or my fic. thank you, my loves.

18. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

EVERYTHING IS REAL

most notable and egregious examples:

- the letter pete writes for patrick in boys next door/assholes is a real love letter i gave someone

- the fight brendon and ryan have in vices & vices is a real fight i had with a partner

- the climactic kiss on the streets of new york at the end of sell out girl is my real first kiss with my new boo

the worst thing is that i don't generally farm my *past* life for my fic--everything that shows up is really recent and fresh, because i'm most interested in writing things i'm currently dealing with and experiencing. and yes, i especially steal the sex scenes.

19. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

be curious about yourself and your characters. if you've never written / published in a serial format, where you're only writing a week or so ahead of posting, you must try it at least once! listen to what your readers are noticing about your themes and characters! i learn so much about my the emotional resonance and direction of my stories from the people who read them and comment. my writing is so much stronger as a result of writing the majority of my work this way, and i have much more fun with it than when i write a long piece in an echo chamber with no input from you guys!

20. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

- i'm working on a Rent-A-Family trope + law firm AU + kidfic thing i started messing with last year

- Pete Wentz's Bisexual Realizations, a fic dreamed up and playlist-empowered by @nikadd

- a Venom AU for my beloved @immoral-crow

- Girl Out Boy hiatus fic

- and a MANIA anniversary surprise <3

21. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

all of my Peterick creator pals! @leyley09 @shatteredmirrors-and-lace23 @allkindsofplatinumandpercocet @laudanumcafe @glitterandrocketfuel and everyone/anyone else!

#writing #peterick #scarredsodeep

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amindforallseasons · 4 years

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Enhance Protocol Review by Dave and Debbie Jensen

ENHANCE PROTOCOL REVIEW BY DAVE AND DEBBIE JENSEN

Dave & Debbie Jensen Share Their Experiences Participating in The Enhance Protocol® An Interview with Eric Collett, CEO of A Mind For All Seasons®, and Dave and Debbie Jensen.

Dave Jensen was working as an executive vice president of a large commercial insurance firm when early-onset Alzheimer’s disease began to rob him of capacity. In spite of hiring a personal assistant to help him with the work, Dave was eventually forced into an early retirement. Now, a year after enrolling in The Enhance Protocol by A Mind For All Seasons, Dave has improved dramatically and has new hope for the future. In addition to a video interview, Dave and Debbie were kind enough to answer some questions about their participation in The Enhance Protocol. Here is what they had to say:

Eric: What was it like to get a diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer’s?

Dave: It was like a kick in the gut- totally out of the blue. I’ve always been in pretty good shape and I thought I ate pretty well, so this was a total shock to me. We have a history of cancer on both sides of the family but not one incidence of Alzheimer’s.

Eric: Where did you turn for help prior to finding A Mind For All Seasons? What was your experience?

Dave & Debbie: We initially went to a neurologist near our home. He did a sleep study and told me I was just getting older and to get a pad of sticky notes to remind me of what I needed to do. No real diagnosis was ever made. Obviously, things still continued to go downhill. A year later, a doctor friend of ours got us into Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, AZ. This doctor did several cognitive tests and a PET scan which definitively showed early onset Alzheimer’s disease. He prescribed Donepezil to “hopefully slow down the inevitable progress” and wished us luck. There was nothing he could do or prescribe that would cure this. It was like a death sentence with a fairly hopeless “good luck” attached.

Eric: What has participating in The Enhance Protocol meant to each of you?

Dave & Debbie: An absolute godsend which, initially, we did not understand the value. We were in shock and my wife, in denial. I kept working and she hid her head in the sand hoping it would all just go away. One Sunday I shared with our church congregation about my diagnosis. She was devastated and angry because now our secret was out. We both realize now how futile and silly that was because it was real and not going away and as a result, we received an outpouring of love and support. A friend that heard our news stopped us and told us about the Enhance Protocol and how to contact “A Mind for All Seasons.” They were extremely helpful and hopeful but never promised any positive outcome. Eric had us purchase Dr. Dale Bredesen’s “The End of Alzheimer’s” book on which much of their protocol is based. For the first time, we had hope. We were skeptical because up to that point, the word “Alzheimer’s” was a grim and hopeless diagnosis. We started with our foot on the gas, 100%. We did everything they told us to do- bloodwork, diet, treatments, red light therapy, etc. It wasn’t easy at first but we have experienced astounding and positive results. So much so that if there was no threat of Alzheimer’s, we would continue to stick to this protocol and will never go back to our naive and deadly “normal” American diet. We are both pretty active, have run a couple of marathons and just thought, “hey, we work out every day. We can eat what we want.” We were almost literally dead wrong!

Eric: What changes have you observed since beginning The Enhance Protocol?

Dave & Debbie: This took some time to see significant change. Every week we have a help and support call with Eric and each time we would express concern that we weren’t perhaps seeing the seemingly miraculous quick results that some patients in Dr. Bredesen’s book expressed. Each week Eric would – again- explain to us that by the time Alzheimer’s is diagnosed, you’ve had the disease 10-20 years already! He said that it takes time to have this healing protocol work from the inside that will eventually manifest outside, or cognitively. Thankfully, that has come to pass. We’ve been on this program for almost a year and in the past few months have seen dramatic and positive results. I am more engaged in family conversations. Some say my “Dave Jensen” is back.

Eric: What has been the best thing about participating in the protocol?

Dave & Debbie: The best thing about this protocol is the hope it provides. For ages, this diagnosis has been a grim death sentence, and now it’s not! How could you not dive in with both feet? Eric and Randy are thoughtful, caring and truly have our best interest at heart. They want us to succeed as much as we want to succeed. We’re never alone and their staff is always there to answer questions and support us. A close second is the change in our physical and emotional well-being. I would never have believed a change in diet could make such a big difference in the way I feel.

Eric: What has been the hardest thing about participating?

Dave & Debbie: The hardest thing was the initial change in diet. We all know that sugar is poison but it’s addictive, cheap and prevalent in almost everything! It took a while to not have those cravings but the results have been astounding. One thing that both Eric and Randy have said that really hit home to us is, “You’re going to pay for whatever your lifestyle is sometime. Either you pay now with better diet or later with poor health.” You choose. It’s one thing to do it because you’d like to lose a few pounds, it’s a whole different ballgame when it’s life or death. That decision is easy.

Eric: How have your adult children felt about your participation?

Dave & Debbie: This is probably the most remarkable thing. We have four married daughters who basically thought I was being tortured by my wife. They would say, “Mom! Just let dad eat what he wants. This is dumb and you’re probably wasting your money anyway.” One of our daughter’s and family were living with us for 8 months while remodeling a house. Jake, our son-in-law, would try and sneak me a concrete ice cream shake every now and then. They were worried and thought this was futile. Deb told them, “Tell you what. When dad says, ‘I’m done’ then we’re done. But dad believes in this and has faith that it will work, so until then, we’re all in.” They couldn’t really argue with that. The thing is, you can’t make anyone do this or anything else. The patient has to be committed way beyond what any family member feels about it. There are way too many opportunities to cheat on the diet, etc. Now, our girls have each expressed how “dad has changed so much lately! He’s got his sense of humor back, he engages in our conversations, he plays with the kids again!” They are beyond thrilled. Jake still tries to sneak him ice cream.

Eric: If a family was thinking about participating in the protocol but were hesitant, what would you tell them?

Dave & Debbie: I would tell them they have every right and reason to be skeptical and hesitant. But here’s what I also know. This program is amazing, hopeful, based on solid science, and it works. It’s not easy just like anything else worthwhile in life; it takes commitment, work, diligence, and consistency. It wasn’t as fast for us as we had hoped but there is never a “one size fits all” protocol for any two people. Your genetics, lifestyle, stress level, sleep habits, diet, etc all play a huge part in your success. We were merely hoping for a stop in the progression but what we are actually seeing is a slow but incremental reversal of this once deadly disease. Why in the world would we not give it an honest effort? What have you got to lose except a frightening diagnosis?

We hope you enjoyed this informative Enhance Protocol Review by Dave and Debbie Jensen and Eric Collet, CEO of A Mind For All Seasons.

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The post Enhance Protocol Review by Dave and Debbie Jensen appeared first on A Mind For All Seasons®. A Mind For All Seasons offers innovative memory care, Alzheimer’s and dementia treatment for people of all ages.

#Alzheimer's treatment #dementia treatment #memory care

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allthatwehear · 4 years

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it’s time for another blog post

Grief this season has been like,

laying on my floor and time is passing - I often don’t know how much time, but after a little while I become self-conscious of what I’m doing/the nothingness I’m doing, and I get angry at myself and wonder if anyone else just lays on their floor & wastes time.

(I talked to my sister the other day & told her that I watch the clouds pass, and she said she did it too -- “wait you do that too??”)

it’s been like, listening to a lot of music at night because it’s loud outside my house (actually quite noisy neighbors) and they irritate me & I lose my patience. and the music helps bring me to a different state of mind, because i need to stop ruminating on certain things/be brought to a new headspace. it’s been me dodging rooms when people walk in. physically gathering my things & looking like some antisocial jerk & running to my room, closing the door when I’m having phonecalls, even getting pissy with unexpected visits & when people take up my space.

it’s been like, when people are speaking to me, i find I’ve been dissociating (don’t normally do this) and I’m nod my head routinely “yeah” so they think that i am listening, but truthfully my head is so full of strain & mush that not a lot is getting through. I can’t take a whole lot of information at once, and I can only take so much information about you, unfortunately. if people are just talking at me, and not with me, I am having a hard time.

even time itself, is a freakin’ blur - i had a close friend admit to me the other day, that they were sad i hadn’t visited their house (outside of school) during the three plus years I’d known them. & how on earth was I supposed to describe that for me, time is such a blur and I lost track of how much actually went by, and always intended to visit but I didn’t have the thoughts to make it happen? time is such a blur... and motivation. augh that motivation is a bitch.

it’s been drastically dropping people, communication-wise; people who I was previously making a set-goal to see on a regular basis (usual girl-dates), to new friendships I was fostering & then suddenly I disappear - though they are great people and great for me. I spoke to a close one of these people, on the phone (unheard of for me), and he so kindly asked what I needed of him. It all sort of rushed out, but I ended up explaining that I needed people not to be offended with me if I disappear for weeks sometimes, or just can’t answer that right now, or am able to talk on the phone one week but am not feeling up to it the next. if i have periods where I don’t want to go out. that legitimately, my needs and what I feel I can handle changes from minute to minute, sometimes. I had the strength & motivation to call my own sister & that took a lot, & when she didn’t pick up, I wasn’t ready to talk when she called back. I explained that I just sort of have to do things at whatever pace it comes at, but a lot of people will take that offensively or that I don’t love them -- and I totally get it. because who wants a friend who is so unreliable? who is there one moment, but gone the next? well unfortunately - that is just who I am at the moment. & he told me he’d never be upset for those tumultuous, unpredictable needs. and I said, “that’s what I need”.

grief has been someone asking me if I’m going to look for jobs, since I just recently discovered I lost mine (that I intended to return to this month), and me thinking right back that I don’t even know what I’m going to do to get through the next day -- or going to do the next few hours. I’ve let go, currently, of quite a few things I was working really hard for: a cool leadership position at a young adult youth group I got, the youth group itself, my faith, itself...

sometimes I feel like I’m going to melt through the floor. I feel my body & its weight and I think I’ll just sink; i’ll just sink. with every normal expectation people ask of me -- the “what did you do today’s?” and “what’re your summer plans?” to “what jobs do you want?”. they don’t realize that I crawl to bed at the sound, the overwhelm of those things. that they are asking almost impossible tasks of me, as I mourn the death of my second sibling, and their upcoming birthday (the 23rd, mind you). what I crave is something strange - but it’s actually a person to hold me, like, spoon me like a baby, because psychologically I feel like nothing can get me in that place and their body is essentially a “shield” from all evil -- or they’re “squeezing” all the “bad” out of me and replacing it with safety. because in my grieving head, I am 22 years-old, and that means I may have 60+ more years of traumatic, life-altering, heartbreaking, shattering events & sometimes I don’t know how to not let that just crumble & kill me inside. that I have all these years left - open, vulnerable, to be hit with suffering.

grief, is unexplainable, though I like to try. I like to try because I want it to be understandable. because if people don’t understand grief they won’t understand how to support those grieving; because, inevitably, we’re all going to grieve something, it’s going to happen to all of us.

I heard something -- to go back to time -- about grief the other day. it was by Dr. Zoe Donaldson, and she spoke in this profound TedTalk that I had to share with my mom, to my sister, to my instagram. “Hear this”, I thought. She said, so truthfully, “We have a tendency to talk about grief in terms of time. We say things like “time heals all wounds”, or “they are just moving through the stages of grief”, but I think this fails to give credit where credit is due. And that’s because time isn’t doing anything. Time is passing; and while it’s passing, your brain is working really hard to heal itself.”

“You brain has to take all of the moments of joy from that [lost] relationship --- everything that was good about it -- and it has to separate it just enough from the pain of the loss until you can get to the point of describing it as bittersweet. And this is crucial. You need to do this to move on, and reengage with a meaningful life.”

“Despite the fact that we tend to conflate grief and depression, they’re actually different things. If you give someone who is grieving antidepressants, it won’t do anything to alleviate the core symptoms of grief. When we talk about those core symptoms of grief, we use terms that talk about the heart. We talk about a broken heart, a hole in our heart, words that give us a sense of yearning for that individual. And yearning, quite frankly, is not part of depression.”

Yearning. Time passing. All of this struck such an intimate cord in my heart - because this was true. We are yearning for those people, that person. I yearn for the dimple on Caroline’s cheek and to watch Miyazaki with her while she doodles on the whiteboard perched on her lap. I yearn to hold Juge’s hands again, in the hospital room, and listen to that chipper, rising-high-pitched laugh of theirs to well-up the room.

Time passing. All I want, some days, is for this obnoxious life to be over with. For the time to pass -- because sometimes I actually want it to go away. Other days the desire for time to pass is for the deep, gut-wrenching emotions to pass - I utter “just get through another day”. In a sense we’re waiting for the “grief” to pass - though it won’t, but maybe it’s a hope.

ENDING????????

Do I include the job part??

here is a big grief thing I am experiencing, as a slight side-note, but I think significant to what’s going on in my life. significant to mention, because it was significant/heartbreaking enough, to me. I lost my job that was really important to me. I went through heartbreak while I was there. I persevered & pushed the management until I was a busser/server’s assistant, a job ordinarily readily offered to men - yet I had to jump through two interviews with two manager’s & demand pants. I went through the death of my second sibling there, & received an outpouring of love. I met some UW basketball celebrities & pushed myself til the point of almost crying in the back multiple times. I ate some really good desserts. And I made some very sweet, very humorous friends. and it became quickly like a family, a fish family, and I lost a little fish family of mine. I won’t forget the sunsets glistening in the water when I worked in the summer evenings, or the sports shows on as i swept the bar-floors riddled with fish n’ chips. it was a place I felt so comfortable in, after so much discomfort, & to have it ripped has been gruesome. a thing with grief is, once you have become accustomed & happy in a place, those places suddenly mean a whole lot more then usual. they mean that you don’t have to be thrown off with surprises; you know the ins & outs, they are yours now & you can breathe easy. well I lost one of those places. and I am upset and grief-ridden in another way.

so friends - don’t forget, grieving doesn’t always occur after you’ve lost a physical being. it can also happen when you’ve lost that space where you perched outside your window in the apartment room with your morning coffee; your favorite first house after college, the tastes of a beloved restaurant, moving away from a family home, a pet’s caress, and more. don’t forget the “little” big things. and remember you can essentially grieve for it all - because inevitably change is a part of life, thus grieving those changes should be a part of life, too.

I hope you give yourself space to remember the people/places/things you love, & talk about them constantly with your beloveds so they never go away from memory. I’d love to hear about them sometime. tell me about what you’ve lost - and recount the love/memories you gained before they were gone.

END??

Draft

Grief has been like --

sometimes i am laying on my floor for actual hours, and I can’t do much more but watch the clouds pass. And i get angry at myself for doing that/feeling that, and I wonder if anyone else just lays on their floor & wastes time.

it’s been like -

putting headphones in at night because I need a different noise to lull me into a different state of mind. it’s been messages from people I was once making a firm habit to be talking to - or meet - & staring as their needs pile up & I quickly lose my will to continue connecting. because there come too many messages. and i get overwhelmed, and i just shut down.

even phone calls to my sister in Colorado - have narrowed & grown seldom. however for this, Maddie validates me by admitting “it’s a terrible month Sarah, and i kind of just had to cut off for a bit”. these words i understand like breath in my lungs.

it’s been people asking me if i’m looking for jobs and me even wondering what I can do to get through the next day - or the next few hours; what’s going to benefit me enough to bring me some sort of rest. it’s been letting go of several feats I conquered, interviews i had, and a church position I was in the past, proud to attain.

now it’s me letting go of the church, and sometimes meditating, or learning sanskrit. it’s been me /not/ doing things. not. doing. anything. it feels like any day now i’m going to melt through the floor.

sometimes I feel like a solid wall that nothing will get through. sometimes all, actually, constantly, all I crave is a human body behind me holding, tightly. to squeeze all the past & future attacks right out of me. deflect them. because i fear the other 60+ years of life i have still to live, because that just means 60+ possible more years of horror and hurt. and yes, i suppose that could be a form of ptsd. 60+ years of pain I may experience as a young 22 year old.

Fleetwood Mac speaks to me. my language has gotten coarser. and I’m starting to fear that the people who knew me back then, surrounded in school, won’t recognize me/will give me backlash for the changes that are happening inside.

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techcrunchappcom · 4 years

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New Post has been published on https://techcrunchapp.com/jada-pinkett-smith-admits-she-did-have-an-affair-with-singer-august-alsina-daily-mail/

Jada Pinkett Smith admits she DID have an affair with singer August Alsina - Daily Mail

Jada Pinkett Smith has admitted she did have an affair with singer August Alsina while married to Will Smith.

The 48-year-old sat down with her husband for an intimate conversation on her Facebook show, Red Table Talk and revealed she developed a friendship with August around four years ago.

She said around the same time, the married couple were going through a ‘difficult time’ and they had ‘basically broken up’.

The bombshell tell-all comes after both actors denied August’s claims that Will gave him his blessing to have a relationship with Jada.

Tell-all: Jada Pinkett Smith admitted to having an affair during her marriage during a confessional with her husband Will Smith on Red Table Talk on Friday

In Friday’s episode of Jada’s web series, the Hollywood couple sat opposite each other as they set the record straight and reaffirmed their commitment to each other.

Jada began explaining that the couple met August through their son Jaden and recalled that the Louisiana-born singer, who would have been 23 at the time, was ‘really sick’.

‘And it all started with him just needing some help, me wanting to help his health, his mental state.

‘The outpouring for him from our family was initially about his health,’ she said. ‘We found all those different resources to help pull him through and from there you and I were going through a very difficult time.’

Will admitted, ‘I was done with you,’ while Jada added that they decided to separate for a ‘period of time’.

‘And then what did you do, Jada?’ Will asked, urging his wife to keep talking.

‘As time went on, I got into a different type of entanglement with August,’ Jada explained.

The mother-of-two went on to respond to August’s claim that Will gave her ‘permission’ to have an affair.

‘The only person that can give permission in that circumstance is myself,’ she insisted.

‘But what August was probably trying to communicate because I could see how he could see it as permission because we were separated amicably, and I think he wanted to make it clear he’s not a homewrecker because he’s not.’

When Will pushed Jada to clarify what she meant by ‘entanglement’ she responded, ‘It was a relationship, absolutely.’

Jada continued: ‘I was in a lot of pain, and I was very broken. In the process of that relationship I definitely realized that you can’t find happiness outside yourself.’

She explained the couple were going through a process of healing.

‘I just wanted to feel good, It had been so long since I felt good… and it was really a joy to just help heal somebody.’

Jada said she and Will met singer August Alsina, who was ‘really sick’, through their son Jaden. She said she and Will were on the rocks at the time and decided to separate for a period of time. Will admitted: ‘I was done with you.’

‘I devoted myself to it, I gave my full self to it, so much so to the point that I can die right now and be okay with knowing that I truly gave myself to somebody.’ August said of his relationship with Jada. They are pictured together at the 2017 BET Awards

The Set It Off star pondered whether her actions were down to her codependency issues and needing to ‘fix people’ due to her past traumas.

As Will made light of the fact that he’s being the dutiful husband and standing by his wife after her ‘transgressions’ amid intense media scrutiny, Jada admitted that she doesn’t see her relationship with August ‘as a transgression at all’.

‘Through that particular journey, I learned so much about myself and was able to really confront a lot of emotional immaturity, emotional insecurity and I was really able to do some really deep healing,’ Jada said.

INSIDE WILL SMITH AND JADA PINKETT SMITH’S 22-YEAR MARRIAGE

Jada and Will have been married since 1997 after they met while she was auditioning to be his girlfriend on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

The couple have previously denied they are swingers or in an open relationship

‘I’m like, “Yo, I wish. I wish!”‘ Jada told Andy Cohen in 2017 of the persistent swinging rumors

Yet they have remained open about their sex lives, often sharing intimate details

At the premier of his movie Focus, Will let slip that Jada loves to watch his sex scenes

‘She’s a little freaky like that,’ he joked

In 2010, Jada told Oprah Winfrey that spontaneity is key to her and Will’s relationship

‘During the day I might send a sexy picture of some sort …If he’s on set with me, we might take a break,’ she said

Just a year earlier, she’d offered advice in a Redbook interview that it was important to move things outside of the bedroom

‘Does he have access to his office? Have a fantasy date. Be his secretary! Pull over on the side of the road…Just switch it up,’ she said

In 2010, the couple took their own advice in their limo on the way to the Oscars

‘We started kissing passionately, and the next thing I knew, well, let’s just say we missed the red carpet and I ended up with almost no makeup on,’ Jada revealed

The actress also claimed it was Will who first told her about the ‘Grapefruit Method’ made famous in her movie Girls Trip

‘And as I came through and started to realize certain things about you and I, he decided to break all communication with me which was totally understandable. And I let that be and hadn’t talked to him since so it is a little weird that all this stuff is coming out now since this was several [years ago].’

Will chimed in, ‘For me, this was years ago,’ as Jada reflected on how far they’ve come in their relationship, ‘We have really gotten to that new place of unconditional love.’

At one point in the conversation they echoed each other, saying: ‘We ride together. We die together. Bad marriage for life,’ a reference to a catchphrase in Will’s Bad Boys franchise.

August told The Breakfast Club’s Angela Yee on June 30 that he was in love with Jada and said: ‘I sat down with Will [Smith] and had a conversation due to the transformation from their marriage to life partnership… he gave me his blessing.’

August said the two became very close, and holidayed together with the family in Hawaii a year later and they even attended the 2017 BET Awards together.

He said: ‘I totally gave myself to that relationship for years of my life, and I truly and really, really deeply love and have a ton of love for her.

‘I devoted myself to it, I gave my full self to it, so much so to the point that I can die right now and be okay with knowing that I truly gave myself to somebody.

‘And I really loved a person, I experienced that and I know what that feels like, and some people never get that in this lifetime.

‘I know that I am completely blessed and this conversation is difficult because it is so much, that it would be hard for people to understand but, once it starts to affect me and my livelihood, I have to speak up about my truth.’

Shortly after Will’s representative branded the reports as ‘wrong’, while a spokesperson for Jada denied the claims to Page Six, calling them ‘absolutely not true’.

But a day later on July 2, Jada tweeted: ‘There’s some healing that needs to happen… so I’m bringing myself to The Red Table.’

Jada has been married to Will since 1997, they are parents to Jaden and daughter Willow, 19. Will has a son Trey, 27, from his marriage to Sheree Zampino, 53.

In 2019 August had denied an affair with Jada had taken place after his track ‘Nunya’ was released.

Rumors were sparked by the lyrics: ‘You got me feeling like it was an act, you’re just an actress / Putting on a show ’cause you don’t want the world to know.’

The singer now says he is not speaking out to cause trouble.

He said: ‘Contrary to what people may believe, I am not a troublemaker. I don’t like drama. Drama actually makes me nauseous.

‘And I also don’t think that it is ever important for people to know what I do, who I sleep with, who I date … but in this instance it is very different because as I said, there are so many people that are side-eyeing me, looking at me questionable.

Breaking silence: August told Angela Yee during their interview that he usually wouldn’t discuss the affair, but he’s ‘lost money, friendships, relationships’ over the rumors

‘It was a relationship, absolutely,’: Will asked Jada to clarify what she meant by ‘entanglement’

‘I have lost money, friendships, relationships behind it and I think it is because people don’t necessarily know the truth. But I have never done anything wrong.

‘I love those people [the Smiths] literally like my family. I don’t have a bad thing to say about them. They are beautiful people.’

Jada has previously denied rumors that she and Will are in an open relationship and said they will never divorce.

Will has previously said that the couple no longer use the ‘married’ title but refer to each other as ‘life partners’.

‘We don’t even say we’re married anymore,’ he told BET in 2018.

‘We refer to ourselves as life partners, where you get into that space where you realize you are literally with somebody for the rest of your life.

Denial: The couple, pictured here in 2015, initially denied the claims coming from August

Jada Pinkett Smith sets the internet ablaze after revelation she DID date August Alsina

Twitter was alight on Friday after Jada Pinkett Smith admitted to having a relationship with August Alsina on this week’s episode of Red Table Talk.

Fans and followers had mixed reactions when Jada admitted to the romance after initially denying there was anything between her and the R&B talent.

While opening up about the ‘private’ matter during a sit down opposite her husband of 23-years Will Smith, Jada said she and August dated while she was ‘separated’ from the Fresh Prince actor.

Though some fans were keen on calling Pinkett Smith out, others seemed to be there for the drama more than anything.

Open book: Jada Pinkett Smith revealed she did date August Alsina while sitting down with husband Will Smith on this week’s episode of Red Table Talk. They couple are seen in 2019 above

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wonderfulworldofwinchester · 7 years

Text

Heartbreak Makes You Wiser Pt2

MOC!Dean x Reader Original Request by Anon: Hey I recently watched the S10 finale and wanted to ask if you chould write a Dean/reader Fanfic based on it. the reader enters the room and see’s the hurt castiel and that he killed the stynes including the “innocence” boy and starts crying what he has become and doesn’t want to let him go. dean hurts her accidentally a bit (mark going crazy) while she stops him to leave and see’s she got afraid of him and dean regrets it & is almost in tears too that he hurt the woman he secretly loves. TY! <3 Warnings: Idk, Language, residual fear from earlier events.

Word count: 1380

A/N: Prompts used are in bold italics. *UNEDITED* -sorry for any grammar/spelling/autocorrect fails.

PART 1 MASTERLIST TO DO LIST Ask Me/Have A Request?

Two weeks. Two weeks had passed since that dreadful night. Your arm was realigned, and physical wounds have begun to heal, but the emotional wounds were still raw and exposed. Sure you had talked to Dean that night. You had told him you weren’t afraid of him, but that you were afraid of the mark and what it was doing to him. As much as you wanted to believe that, and wanted to convey to him that you believed that, your body all too often betrayed you. If he moved to quick, raised his voice slightly, or even came around the corner unannounced, you would involuntarily jump.

You wished he hadn’t , but naturally dean had picked up on these things right away. He claimed he wasn’t, but he was clearly avoiding you at this point. Not out of anger, but out of love. He hated seeing the way your body flinched when he moved certain ways, or startled you. Every day was a battle in and of his own mind. Everything in him was crying out, screaming to be heard and obeyed, begging him to just give up. But he couldnt he couldn’t do that to you.

Only a few days after the incident, Dean had a talk with Sam. He swore Sam to secrecy and kicked himself up and down for having a ‘chick flick’ moment and ‘being on the verge of growing lady parts’, but he needed to vent. He told Sam about his struggle. “ I just don’t get it, man. She is clearly scared of me, but says she’s not and even though she practically jumps out of her skin when I move near her, she still chooses to track me down.” He took another swig of his beer as Sam contemplated what his brother had just said.

“Have you maybe tried talking to her?” Sam asked, hands out in front of him, and brows raised. “I mean, if you really want to know, shouldn’t you ask her instead of me.”

Dean’s hand that held his beer fell to the table, a loud clunk following. He mumbled something under his breath, as he stood from the table. Dammit. He knew his brother was right. He needed to talk to you. He just don’t know how or when.

Days went by, until finally he knew what he needed to tell you. He worked through it meticulously in his head; trying to solve any problems. Should Sam be there? Would she feel safer? Will I scare her if i get her one on one? He was overthinking it, and he knew it, but he just couldn’t risk losing you. He came far too close last time.

Dean’s heart pounded in his chest, each beat ringing in his ears as the sound of his boots hitting the floor bounced of the walls with every labored step he took towards your room. This was it. He was about to put everything on the line. But he had to know. Just as his fist raised to rap his knuckles against the rough surface of the old door, you rounded the corner in the hall. His eyes met yours and he quickly realized there was anger present in them.

Your feet pounded against the smooth floor as your strode up to him, “Alright, what the Hell Winchester!?” Your fear was now overthrown by the utter frustration that had been growing the pit of your stomach, and had now burst out. “I have looked for you everywhere. And not just today. All the damn time. You see me and you turn the other way. You don’t ever come out to the library when you think I might be there. You’re avoiding me, and you’re ignoring me, and I don’t like it!”

Dean stood there, mouth agape, dumbfounded like a deer in headlights. This was the last thing he expected. His mind raced around trying to formulate a coherent sentence to ask you what he had come to do in the first place. “I just don’t get it, Y/N?”

“Get what?” Your hand was on your hip, and your brow furrowed.

He looked anywhere but your eyes, “Why you would even care. Why you would want to be around me anyway after what I did to you.”

“Dean, I meant what I said to you that night. I won’t run.”

You could practically hear him rolling his eyes, and he let out a sigh, turned and ran his hands over his face and up through his hair. “but why? I mean seriously why would you stay? Come on, in all honesty, why? Why after all this-” his hand flailed about gesturing to invisible objects, “would you still care? Don’t get it?”

Your frustration had not yet subsided. It had shifted though. Now your frustration was in the fact that Dean was so blind to the reason you had yet to run. With an huff, your hand flew from your hair, straight down in front of you, “because you moron!” You gestured to your head as if telling him to think. “When you love someone, you don’t just stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes, or call you crazy. Even then. Especially then.” Your turned away for a moment to gather your emotions, and then faced him once more. “Don’t you get it? I love you Dean. That’s why. That’s why I won’t just walk away when things get hard, or when they get scary.”

For the second time that night you had Dean Winchester at a loss for words. He stood motionless, processing what just came out of your mouth. Slowly one single tear made it’s way down his cheek and his eyes glimmered under the layer of liquid emotion threatening to outpour. His voice cracked slightly under the weight of those emotions as he spoke, “Alright you’ve said your why. Now here’s my why.”

“What?” He lost you there.

“You want to know why I continue to get up in the morning. Why I keep going when I feel like complete and utter crap everyday. Why I haven’t tried to end it, lock myself away somewhere and just give up.” Those emotions now rained down his cheeks. “It’s not because we get to save people. It’s not because Sam would kill me.” He took a deep breath in, “I get up, and I keep fighting it, and I don’t give up, because I made a promise to you that I wouldn’t run.”

“Dean...”

“You’re the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning. I didn’t care if I had to stay away from you for years. I was determined, I was going to keep you safe, and not scare you, but I wasn’t going to run.”

He just kept rambling on and on, not hearing you when you tried to get his attention. You appreciated the nice words, but right now, that’s not what you wanted. Your arm was still in a sling, but dammit if you weren’t determined. You closed the gap between you two, and his eyes followed your every move with confusion as your good arm swung up and around his neck, yanking his head down to your level. “Are you just gonna talk all night about how you love me, or are you gonna shut up and kiss me?”

“Sassy.”

“Hey, don’t make me regret this loving you thing.” His lips met yours in a sweet kiss, and his arms wound around your waist, holding you close; savoring every last drop.

When you parted, he eyes showed concern, “So how is this gonna work?” Your head tilted to the side, unsure of what he meant. “I mean, you’re still scared of this thing, so how do we make this work?” He gestured between the two of you.

You shrugged, “I don’t know. It’s not gonna be easy, but hey nothing in this life is, and no one ever said it would be.” He pulled a face, and you added to your answer, “And besides, like I said before, I won’t run, but you can’t either.”

If you would like to be added to one of my tag lists, just ask :)

The Anything and Everything: @tillielynn16 @fandomaskedstuff @naruko88558855 @saltysamgirls @hillface89 @unusualcorn

The Deano: @straitsupernaturalmalefan @angelofchaos @kayladools @pandazombie69 @brindz30

Fic Specific tags: @notnaturalanahi @gleefinn I included you guys in tags for this becuase you seemed pretty pumped about the idea of a part 2 and were a huge part of why it happened! Thanks for the love and support!

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celebritylive · 4 years

Link

Hannah Ann Sluss won’t ever settle when it comes to finding love.

After she appeared on the After the Final Rose live episode on Tuesday night, when she confronted ex-fiancé Peter Weber about breaking off their engagement, the 23-year-old model spoke out about her experience on the show.

In an Instagram post on Wednesday, Sluss shared a photo of herself sitting with Chris Harrison at the finale and thanked “@abcnetwork and all the people involved in the show for making this difficult experience one that I could endure.”

“I made a commitment to myself to be consistent, genuine, and truthful through this journey and I remained that way to the very end,” said Sluss.

“Allowing yourself to love someone is a vulnerable place to be, but I am thankful that I gave myself a chance in finding love regardless of the outcome,” she continued.

RELATED: Bachelor‘s Hannah Ann Sluss Says Peter Weber’s Mom Has ‘Reached Out’ to Her Since Their Split

Sluss then encouraged “anyone looking for love to always stay true to you.”

“Don’t accept anything less than 100% of someone’s heart — YOU DESERVE IT!” she said. “Thank you from the bottom my heart for the love and support from old & new friends along the way. Your kind words brighten my day! Xo.”

View this post on Instagram So grateful to @abcnetwork and all the people involved in the show for making this difficult experience one that I could endure. I made a commitment to myself to be consistent, genuine, and truthful through this journey and I remained that way to the very end. Allowing yourself to love someone is a vulnerable place to be, but I am thankful that I gave myself a chance in finding love regardless of the outcome. I encourage anyone looking for love to always stay true to you. Don’t accept anything less than 100% of someone’s heart — YOU DESERVE IT! Thank you from the bottom my heart for the love and support from old & new friends along the way. Your kind words brighten my day! Xo

A post shared by Hannah Ann Sluss (@hannahann) on Mar 11, 2020 at 4:08pm PDT

//www.instagram.com/embed.js

Her post was met with an outpouring of positive affirmation from fans, including fellow Bachelor contestant and finalist Victoria Fuller.

“I can’t believe it’s all coming to end

so bitter sweet. & I can’t wait to see what you do next H.A. You’re going to shine so bright! We always say this but we gained one another out of this— can’t believe I didn’t have you before this! & can’t wait to start this next chapter with you sugie!!!!” said Fuller, who was sent home by Weber at the penultimate rose ceremony. “Ok, end rant. Love you. #proudfriendmoment xx.”

On Tuesday evening, Bachelor Nation watched as Weber proposed to Sluss in Australia.

But their engagement was short-lived, as Weber had second thoughts about saying goodbye to finalist Madison Prewett. Ultimately, his conflicted emotions resulted in Sluss giving her Neil Lane ring back and them going their separate ways.

RELATED: Why Bachelor Peter Weber Proposed to Hannah Ann Despite His ‘Heartbreak’ over Madison

While sitting side-by-side on the ATFR couch, Sluss came face-to-face with Weber — and didn’t hold back on putting him in the hot seat.

“I knew things were definitely off between us, but walking into and hearing that you couldn’t give me your full heart, that was very blindsiding to me,” Sluss told him. “You knew what to tell me to keep me with you. One of the most important things was that letting me walk away would be the biggest regret of your life. Words are powerful, Peter. Either you don’t mean what you say or you don’t understand the weight of your words and how they impact people. So which one is it?”

“You knew how serious I was about an engagement, you knew me saying yes to you, I was always going to stand by you, even through the worst,” she added. “You told me things that kept me with you. Even after our breakup, you reached out to my parents saying that you were just processing your emotions and that you wished more that anything we had met outside of reality TV. How does that make any sense? You signed up to be the Bachelor. You told me these things that I held onto.”

“Everything that you’re saying is one hundred percent fair,” Weber said. “When I said that I felt like it’d be the worst mistake of my life, I meant that. Hannah Ann, when I told you that I loved you, I did love you. I never would’ve proposed to you if I didn’t feel that love in my heart. It kills so much me to know what I took away from you. That’s something I have to live with and I wish I could give back to you. I never felt a love in my entire than the love that you showed me.”

“Word of advice, if you want to be with a woman, you need to become a real man,” Sluss concluded.

RELATED: See the 3.27-Carat Engagement Ring Bachelor Peter Weber Gave Hannah Ann Sluss Before Their Split

After Sluss and Weber spoke, he was reunited with Prewett, who admitted, “I love Peter and that hasn’t changed since that day in Australia. And the love and care that we have for one another, I feel like it’s so evident and obviously. …. Those feelings just never went away.”

“When you came to Auburn and told me everything, it was a lot — it was a lot to take in,” she said to Harrison. “That day that we went and saw him, I didn’t know how the conversation was going to go and I knew that there were still feelings and so much love in my heart and I felt like we deserve to have that conversation and be really real and honest with each other.”

RELATED: Hannah Ann Sluss Says She’s ‘Flyin’ Solo … No Turbulence Accepted’ After Bachelor Engagement Ends

So, “How is this going to end?” Harrison asked the pair.

“We’ve both been really hurt, extremely hurt … and I know there’s a lot of healing that both of us have to do,” Weber said. He added, “But, I’m still sitting here on a couch next to you right now and through everything, that makes me happy.”

Asked Harrison, “Do you want to give this relationship a real shot?”

“I think that I know how we both feel about each other and I feel like taking it one step at a time, one day at a time is possibly the smartest,” said Weber.

from PEOPLE.com https://ift.tt/3aQZLjN

#Celebrity

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s-lamberthadduck · 7 years

Text

Bear.Believe.Hope.Endure: I

I am not really sure where to start with all of this. I’ve tried so many approaches to prefacing this process to no avail. I have something to share and I thought maybe I’d meticulously construct some elaborate metaphor to illustrate what I’m about to say, but I’ve spent too many years lost in the ephemera of ideas and not grounded in the substance of reality. Too many years I’ve let the idea of having had cancer breed and grow unchecked against the truth of its role in my life. So, I’ll start with the basic known facts: I had Leukemia. It altered my blood. A combination of chemotherapy and radiation were used to kill it all away. My body was ravaged and permanently changed in the process. Today, I’m in good health. It feels good to say these things. I don’t usually, I haven’t for a long time, and that’s why I’m here: To say them, to feel them, to look cancer in the eyes and see its true form so I can finally process its impact in my life. Yet, these are just fragments of the truth. I don’t even know what I’m trying to put back together because all I have is broken pieces. I just know that it’s been 20 years since the last cancerous cell was eradicated from my blood but I don’t think I ever fully healed. I never went looking to see what remained in the aftermath. So, in some ways, it’s still been slowly killing me. In the shadow of that reality I’ve left the mantle of survivor abandoned and unclaimed. There I go, wandering off into abstraction again, letting years of fear and guilt drive me into a corner where I close my eyes and abandon my senses. No more. I won’t let the fear of looking restrict the potential of truthful sight any longer.

I’ve dedicated myself to constructing a cohesive timeline of what literally happened so I can deal with each chapter as it comes instead of trying to make sense of a story told in jumbled fragments. This is just the beginning, the intro if you will. Honestly, I’ve written a lot of intros in my life. I’ve prefaced a lot of monumental tasks with promises never kept and I’ve hurt people, myself included, by not following through. I’m afraid. I really am. I can’t let this be another empty volume in the library of personal knowledge. I have to see this through. And that’s why this is more than some floating ideal that’s reliant on whim. It’s tied to something very real and very tangible. I have set a goal. I have started a physical journey in tandem with this emotional endeavor and they are entwined. In June of this year I will be running a marathon with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s “Team in Training” program. I am not a runner. I’m hardly athletic. But I find it a fitting companion to this process of working through my past because I have something to look forward to, to run toward, that will keep me moving even when I feel like I want to give up in the presence of hard truths and past pain. And I’m hoping the trials of physical pain can be comforted in moments of emotional contentment, conversely. This isn’t a sprint. The race is in June but I’m committed to the journey of personal growth for the rest of my life, and this marathon, this blog, they are checkpoints along the way. I’m looking beyond my horizon but remaining keenly aware of every step in front of me.

I want to learn the discipline of perseverance through physical pain. I want to understand what it takes to break through emotional barriers built on fear in the pursuit of truth, even if the truth is more frightening than it’s cage. I desire the reward of seeing an end to struggle and reaching it, if only to rest in knowing that something previously undoable has been done. I finally want to be the unstoppable force in a world of immovable objects. And yet, all of this, all the ambition and passion to be better, it’s about more than conquering. It’s about more than strength and power and will. The spark inside is love. Not the kind you are thinking of. Not the kind that’s subject to the whim of feelings. Not the kind that’s cheapened by the fleeting sensation of pleasure. The kind that doesn’t fail, and never ends. I’ve spent my life trying to love others without loving myself. I’ve tried so hard to know others without knowing myself. There are people in my life who deserve so much more than the outpouring of an empty vessel. That’s why I’ve come to the start of all this. That’s why I’m starting a physical journey that will break down my body; it’s to see what I’m made of. That’s why I’m running into the darkness of unknown places in my heart; it’s to see who I am. I have to know. And Cancer, that beast, has been guarding the door to just one of many places, but I have to start somewhere. The key to all of this is just one singular truth that I can hold onto in the face of whatever I find. I am loved, no matter what, by the One who created me. And that love, built into the substance of my every cell, it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. But, It doesn’t magically fix all things.

So here I am trying to make sense of where I’ve been in an effort to boldly and confidently move forward. Thank you for joining me on this journey. The next chapter is about discovery and diagnosis, and probably about how my body hates me doesn’t understand the significance of this process. Muscles don’t care why they are being torn, they just complain while they heal.

#running #cancer #faith

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