Finding Strength Within

In the stillness of the evening, I find solace, A moment to commune, to self-embrace, to grace Away the shadows that linger, and to rise Above the doubts that shroud my weary eyes. “Oh, dear heart,” I whisper with tender care, “Let us sit a while and share our wear and tear. For in this quietude, we find a friend so true, A gentle voice within, guiding us through.” “My cherished soul,” I speak…

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"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" - JK Rowling

Proclamation of Peace

This year is the year of “peace” for me. I’ve been using the word “peace” as a yearly theme to guide me on my journeys this year. Idea of comes from a CGP Grey video, which he discusses in greater detail using a word as a theme, instead of a New Year’s resolution, because a word is more flexible than a rigid goal. Any day that you move a little bit more forward towards your word theme as a focus is deemed as a success, meanwhile, anything that isn’t achieving your goal, is seen as a failure, so that’s the reasoning and thought process behind this exercise.

Now I’ve decided to choose this word “peace” for a multitude of reasons. Primarily, it’s to focus on emotional regulation. No, I’m not someone to go off on people, But internally, I would like to process my emotions quicker, and come to egoless and utilitarian solutions more quickly. So what that means is I would like to put myself aside, more often, my feelings of self, in order to present myself as a better person. It’s not that I don’t want to care about what other people think of me, I just would like to process those thoughts and feelings more quickly, because in the grand scheme of things, I have weighted those thoughts too highly. I am an extreme people pleaser, and part of that is to fulfill my desire to be wanted, but all of my people pleasing doesn’t always align with what I actually want to do, and at points, I don’t feel like a real human being, almost automated. In some capacity I feel like I’m a lot more in-tuned with my emotions and my thoughts than my peers, but I am no Mr. Rogers, an inspiration of mine. I would love to have a great patience for people, and maintain proper executive function on the things I need to do in my life, that is the peace I desire.

Subsequently, I would also like to see me advocating and avoiding unnecessary conflict. Like they say in Fullmetal alchemist “Together we go to the top”. There is also the African proverb “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” A movement is not one person, a glacier is not seen as a single ice cube, in that sense, I, nor anyone, will ever be the “it-factor”. I believe it is ego to believe so, and anyone you believe to be the “it-factor” has gotten there by circumstantial luck.

Lastly, to love, is to support unconditionally. There will be those who wish to hate you unconditionally, but if you love unconditionally long enough, you will have those who will reciprocate your unconditional love and have your back against those who despise you. That is true strength, strong love. And I believe that can only be achieved with a peaceful mentality. By that, I don’t mean let people step on you. What I’m truly saying is if you love deeply, you will be difficult to step on, so don’t let the haters take that love away from you, it is your strongest ally and tool in this world.

Have you ever wondered what makes Mary Kom one of the greatest boxers ever? How did she overcome the challenges of poverty, gender bias, and motherhood to achieve her dreams? In this article, we will explore some of the most inspiring and powerful Mary Kom quotes that reveal her mindset, motivation, and passion for boxing.

Brian Matthew Markle: Weaving Hope and Service into Ottawa's Tapestry

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Already read some of her articles, in Substack and I can tell she has a very warm heart that fuels her passion for justice. I think her voice and her insights are something worth reading, and I hope she can share more of her thoughts with a much wider audience. Good luck to her! Here's her Subtack if you're curious…

Pessimism excused as realism

When you label someone as a pessimist they always feel the need to say “I am a realist”.

People say “I’m a realist” as if their pessimism is actually just recognizing the truth that the world is just shit. Optimism and pessimism are separate from realism.

Realism is viewing the facts as they are. Good and bad things happen. Our world is a balance of opposing forces. Whether you’re a pessimist or an optimist has to do with the outcomes that you expect in a given situation. And I’m tired of people excusing pessimism as realism.

Horrible, awful, inhumane things happen every day. That most people are ignorant to. Most of these things are impossible to know about, excel for the big ones. War. Torture. Rape. Corruption. Murder. Betrayal. Cruelty. We would all be ignorant not to accept and acknowledge those facts. But realism involves recognizing the existence of both positive and negative aspects of life and acknowledging the dynamic nature of our world.

Every day amazing and beautiful human experiences take place in the world. The warmth of friendship, the depth of love, the power of people coming together to cause change. Someone finally feeling happy. Someone finally feeling safe. Sacred things like music and art. The natural beauty of the world. Learning, growth, improvement, progress. Kindness.

Yet these positive aspects are overlooked and overshadowed by our fixation on negativity. We minimize the significance of these moments. Cruelty stems from a lack of love, from damage, and from pain. Often, those events are not someone’s fault. That’s why I think that the good in life is more significant than the bad. Everyone has experienced pain. Everyone has experienced things that could have driven them to negativity or cruelty or corruption. But people choose to grow from pain and embrace positivity and love, which is not easy. Being good is the harder choice.

Maybe the world is against us. Maybe there are systems set in place that are not in everyone’s favor and there are people in control with bad intentions. I think that some of those things can be viewed as objective facts. The world is not fair. But we have to be intentional with how we choose to view and discuss the world.

Viewing the world as irredeemably negative might limit our ability to contribute to our improvement. It might lead to a sense of powerlessness and apathy. Hope in itself can be a driving force for positive change, motivating people to actively engage in creating a better world. Hope is not synonymous with ignorance. Hope is a conscious choice to recognize the full spectrum of human experiences.

We don’t have a choice but to feel hope. We have to be realistic. But it is our duty to stay good and to recognize the good and opportunities in the world. There are people in horrible conditions, who have experienced much more pain than I have, that still feel hope. As someone who is very privileged I feel responsible to embrace hope, share it, and make a meaningful impact with the life that I’ve been given.

Individual actions can be transformative. Human beings have always had the potential for positive growth and impact, in the face of adversity and all odds against us. Do not lead your life ignorant, that is not acceptable. Being aware is such a hard choice. Being good is even harder. Remaining positive is the hardest choice. But it is our responsibility. Harness resilience, contribute to positive change, help to shape a world that reflects the beauty and potential for good that exists alongside the challenges. Our ability to aspire towards goodness, to help others, and to remain hopeful and positive, despite the complexities of life, despite pain and suffering, is what makes us human. Be a human being.

Another horrible, yet wonderful year

It's December again, and I find myself reflecting on where I was at in January. it has been another incredibly complicated year with ups and downs just like the rest.

Exactly a year ago at the beginning of last December, I got out of the hospital again, It's seemingly routine for me for most holiday seasons to need a trip to the mental hospital. A few days after getting out of the hospital it was clear that moving in with my best friend and her partner was the best option for me. Living alone had been incredibly detrimental to my mental health.

Living with my best friend and being in a loving home environment for the first time in my life was quite literally life-changing to me. And I quit my job in fast food management as that was incredibly demanding in ways that were just simply too draining for me. in between that job and my next, I attended an IOP program (intensive outpatient program) essentially equating to 24 hours a week of therapy. which was very hard but in my time there I had made a new friend, and stabilized myself quite a bit. graduating IOP is one of my biggest accomplishments this year.

This year really challenged family dynamics, as due to quite a few different things I was forced to see both of my parents in a horrible new light, which has been incredibly depressing and freeing at the same time. As all i really ever wanted was to feel loved by a family.

While my own family was quite the sore subject, I got closer with my best friend, and her mother who have both been there for me for so long now, it's really been a transition from blood family to found family this year.

then by the beginning of spring, all hell broke loose, as if the ice and snow melting seemingly released some kind of pandora's box on me. Most of spring and summer was kind of a blur at this point.

As I had what I consider to be, the absolute worst month of my life, April 7th my great aunt died, a woman who had been a safe place for me for as long as I can remember. The only family member by whom I felt loved unconditionally, her home had been my safe place. somewhere nothing bad could ever happen. When life was too overwhelming I would escape to her house. Where she would let me eat whatever I wanted, and we would watch whatever I wanted and just talk. I was closer to her than I ever was to either of my parents. Losing her was equal parts devastating and also a relief.

She had been sick most of her life, and the last 3 years of her life were horrible. As awful as it sounds I wished she had died sooner, she was single-handedly the greatest woman I had ever met. She had been a nurse for most of her life, with a very strong attitude and sense of humor. Her birthday was November 11th, and after 2000 she would always use her birthday to remember those who had died in the tragedy. She was truly a selfless woman, being the safe haven for the children in my family who had less-than-stellar parents.

Her funeral was about a week or two later, the second funeral I had ever attended. It was so beautiful and perfect and she would have loved every single detail of it. We spent just as much time laughing as we did crying as she would have wanted. I got the honor of being the last person to speak at her funeral, with a letter I had written to her the day after she died. and I also got plenty of time alone with her urn as people were downstairs.

I got dumped by my boyfriend of 7 or 8 months a day or two later, and it's pretty safe to say I felt as though my life was a complete wreck. And I had just started my new job, and was constantly emotional, crying at the drop of a hat over everything. an overnight shift I had to cover at a hotel for about a month.

A little over a week into that job, my son almost died, and I felt as though I could never catch a break. but I continually used my overnight shift with all of that time alone to myself to journal, and just sit with myself and all the stuff I had just faced.

I'm no stranger to adversity or hardship though, and I just kept trucking through. It seems that the turning point of this year would be my 20th birthday, my son's father and I always made a point to see each other once a year. And I would text him pretty regularly, especially when my relationships would begin to fail and I would find myself single.

Admittedly, I am oblivious, and although my love for him never truly went away even though it had been 4 years since we had ended our relationship I never picked up on the fact that the feeling was entirely mutual.

So when a nasty storm had ruined my plans for my birthday, he drove two hours in torrential downpours to pick me up. two hours back to his mother's in which I would not stop talking the whole time. I wont go into detail of what happened when we got to his home, but I will say this when he kissed me every feeling I thought I had been able to get over finally came flooding back to me.

That kiss felt like it was the most right kiss in my entire life, like every other time anyone else had ever kissed me it always felt wrong and uncomfortable. and at one point he looked into my eyes and said that they were still so beautiful. I was still fighting my real feelings so I punched him in the chest and called him bro.

That afternoon changed the course of my life, as I was only supposed to be living with my best friend until October. though it was only I was struggling to find a place for myself one that I could bring my son to. (I would like to note that I am leaving out some other important details of what happened this year as that is a story for another day)

The next day my son's father started his apprenticeship, as he was finally home from all of his navy training. we would continue to see each other in secret, and talk non-stop. I finally broke down and explained some things to him about my life that I had been keeping secret from everyone. and He promised he would help me.

we officially started dating almost two weeks later at the beginning of August, and by the end of the month he had found an apartment for us then by October he and I began to set in motion something to fix those background details. Which again is a story for another day when I am actually able to tell it.

But as it stands now, here in December, looking back on the crazy rollercoaster that was my 2023, I am thankful, I started this year feeling completely defeated and alone but through the love and patience of my best friend and her partner, I was able to pull myself out of that dark spot enough to finally begin working on myself and growing. I was able to heal and grow enough to impress my son's father, show him how much I had truly changed since we broke up in 2019, and rekindle our relationship. Currently, our relationship is better than it has ever been.

And I am more hopeful than ever, that finally after 20 years I will be able to get free of the blood that has poisoned me for all of my life and build bonds that will free me.

While I know life won't be easy, finally for the first time in my life I know I will never face anything as hard as I have in the past. I will face more unexpected challenges, but now I have the strength to pull myself up and support that will catch me if I fall.

Dont worry, honey, your day's comin'

Embrace the beauty that remains amidst life’s challenges 💙✨”

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As long as you're trying to do better. Better things will come. Don’t worry about a thing.

A way of sorrow

In the depths of sorrow, I quietly dwell, Where shadows linger and silence swells. A heavy burden upon my soul, In sadness’s grip, I lose control. The weight of sadness, a crushing tide, In every corner, it does reside. A somber melody fills the air, A symphony of despair. But in the darkness, a flicker of light, A glimmer of hope, burning bright. For even in sadness, there’s…

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Echoes of Hope: Finding Strength Within

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On this auspicious day, let's spread love and harmony far and wide. Together, let's embrace unity and kindness to create a brighter tomorrow. Wishing you all the joy and peace.