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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HANK!!

  [Today, Courtesy of This Diagram Generated by @sebdoesstuff, a Performative Reading of the Natal Chart of Detective Gavin Reed, Born October 7, 2002, in What We Take to Be Detroit, Michigan, at an Unknown Time of Day. All Standard Disclaimers from This Post Apply, Including the One about This Being a Generalization, Because Even with the Natal Chart We’re Not Going to Get into Aspects or Full Houses vs Empty Houses or Anything Like That, I’m Not an Astrologer Nor Was I Meant to Be, Also I Need to Go Eat Dinner Now]  

1. Rising Sign: presentation Sagittarius (blunt, outgoing, independent)

[The rising sign is dependent on the time of birth; it’s Sagittarius here because 12PM is the default time this website uses. My original choice for Gavin’s rising sign was Aries, because an Aries is just a Leo with an inferiority complex THAT’S RIGHT FIGHT ME ARIES but I rather like Sagittarius, actually! Did you know that every man I have ever been into but also simultaneously hated myself for being into had a Sagittarius sun sign? It’s a personal note you didn’t ask for but also it’s a broadly applicable truth.]

“I’ll make my own scrambled eggs,” says Gavin. “You cook like someone who made a deal with the devil to trade in their taste buds for pointlessly overdeveloped fine motor skills, which is exactly what you are. Your food tastes like a fucking instruction manual.”

“Is that any way to talk to your lawfully wedded husband?” asks RK900.

“THE LAW IS NOT JUSTICE,” proclaims Gavin.

Capitulating to the oppressive institution of marriage had provided them with certain tax benefits, muses RK900, but it had not done a thing to socialize Gavin. It's just as well, he thinks.

  2. Sun: personality 14 degrees Libra (diplomatic, superficial, indulgent)

[Again, this post is probably more than enough contemplation of Gavin Reed, Actual Libra. This sun sign continues to be completely absurd and I am on board for this bogus journey.]

“No wait, not-- not from the back,” pants Gavin, struggling to turn himself over under RK900′s insistent hands. “I want-- I want to see your face.”

“Okay,” breathes RK900, startled by the tenderness of the request.

“I mean, otherwise there’s no point,” continues Gavin. “What? You think I’m with you for your personality?”

“...Thanks, you ruined it,” says RK900.

  3. Moon: emotion 01 degree Scorpio (passionate, secretive, committed)

“You... I...” falters Gavin, fidgeting viciously with the zipper of his jacket. “...What I mean is-- that is to say, I... here’s the thing, you’re... I’m in-- I might be in-- ...I-- you--”

“Would you find this ordeal easier if we were both undressed and I was banging you like a screen door in a hurricane?” asks RK900, because it isn’t like he doesn’t know what Gavin is trying to say, anyway.

“Yes please right now,” says Gavin.

  4. Mercury: intellect 28 degrees Virgo (analytical, detail-oriented, perfectionist)

“Reed, this is ridiculous,” barks Fowler. “Your report was due two weeks ago, I can’t have you sit on your ass forever. Just get it done.”

“But have you seen the body text typeface for the new electronic filing system?” protests Gavin. “The x-height on it is hideously minuscule! What it does to the counters-- it’s completely illegible, Captain! I am ASPHYXIATED by its lack of sufficient aperture! I can’t work in typographical squalor, this aesthetic is a disgrace to the force! I QUIT!”

“Your gun and badge,” says Fowler.

  5. Venus: relationship 15 degrees Scorpio (loyal, possessive, adventurous)

“Here’s a handbook of sexual perversions that I’ve compiled for you,” says Gavin. He drops a gargantuan dossier in front of RK900, where it lands with a thunk hard enough to make the table shake.

“I... really don’t think this is necessary,” says RK900.

“Listen, I would literally keel over and die of grief if for some reason you suddenly decided to go slam your cock inside someone else instead of me,” says Gavin. “Tell me what freaky shit you’re into, and I’ll do it. You tell me what it takes to keep you around.”

“Isn’t there a nicer way of saying all this?” asks RK900.

  6. Mars: action 24 degrees Virgo (occupied, particular, critical)

“This folder is for solved cases that haven’t been filed yet,” says Gavin, cursor hovering. “This folder is for solved cases that are partially filed. This folder is for solved cases involving drug offenses. This folder is for all cases east of Woodward but west of Broadway. This folder is for bad crimes. This folder is for cases that when I looked at them, I was like, huh! This folder is--”

“Please, your organizational scheme doesn’t make any sense,” says RK900. “I’ve had to patch up several critical errors during your attempt to explain it just now.”

“It works! I have a system!” insists Gavin. “You know how Fowler feels about me, would I still be here if I didn’t have a system that worked and got cases cleared?”

“Your continued employment at this station is a source of persistent mystery to me,” says RK900.

  7. Jupiter: development 13 degrees Leo (dramatic, proud, demonstrative)

“You requested me?” demands Gavin as soon as the door to Fowler’s office swings closed, too befuddled to let his irritation silence him. “You asked to be partnered with me? What the fuck did you do that for?”

“You have... unorthodox methods, Detective Gavin Reed,” says RK900. “The capacity for improvisation is a quality I find lacking in myself. I intend to learn from your extraordinary proficiency in adapting to unforeseen circumstances.”

Gavin opens his mouth, only to close it again without managing to say anything. He turns on his heels and starts stomping away.

“Come on, you dumb shit,” he calls over his shoulder. His ears are flushed, RK900 notes.

  8. Saturn: limitation 29 degrees Gemini (concrete, inarticulate, intuitive)

“As Democritus said, happiness resides not in possessions,” announces Gavin as he bursts into the bedroom, glasses on the bridge of his nose, squinting at several closely printed pages that he clutches in his hands. “There is an ethical imperative to question whether it is beneficial to hold onto that which can be held onto; if it is not, at times, more salubrious to our spiritual health to cast off that which we let fester by keeping close to ourselves. For indeed, as stagnant water breeds disease, so do we find that the objects--”

“Gavin,” interrupts RK900, “are you... are you trying to thank me for taking out the trash an extra time last week?”

“You have to let me finish,” says Gavin. “I’ve been working on this since then.”

“Hold on,” says RK900, “you spent a week writing a speech because you couldn’t say th--”

“--SO DO WE FIND THAT THE OBJECTS WHICH SURROUND US CEASE TO GIVE US JOY WHEN THEY HAVE OVERSTAYED THEIR WELCOME,” shouts Gavin.

  9. Uranus: freedom 25 degrees Aquarius (scientific, original, technocratic)

“I’m a Gen Z chaos child and proud of it!” says Gavin. “We’re the generation that invented androids!”

“Some might say that you were adamantly refusing to be proud of this accomplishment until very recently,” remarks RK900. “Some might also say that it’s not your accomplishment in the least, that you had absolutely nothing to do with it, and point out that you have trouble operating a microwave on your best days.”

“They all have different ways you need to enter minutes and seconds,” says Gavin, hotly.

  10. Neptune: transcendence 08 degrees Aquarius (humanitarian, secular, modern)

“I’m a Gen Z chaos child and proud of it!” says Gavin. “We’re the generation that replaced religion with unparalleled medical advances and brought us one step closer to a post-scarcity society!”

“Wouldn’t know it from looking at you,” says RK900. “Generation that replaced religion with memes, more like.”

“Who taught you to talk like this?” demands Gavin.

  11. Pluto: transformation 15 degrees Sagittarius (confident, principled, revolutionary)

“I’m a Gen Z chaos child and proud of it!” says Gavin. “We replaced religion with memes and the whole world is better for it!”

“You smoke actual cigarettes and use voice-to-text to take notes,” says RK900. “I’m starting to think you might not even be Gen Z at all. How old are you, Gavin Reed? Are you a Highlander? Can you only be killed through decapitation?”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” says Gavin.

  BONUS. North Node: purpose 10 degrees Gemini (interaction, partnership, community)

“Go talk to him,” Tina hisses under the clamor of the bar, elbowing RK900 in the side.

“He has been uncommunicative and belligerent since my return,” says RK900, keeping his eyes fixed on the glass of Thirium in front of him. “Correction, he has been especially uncommunicative and belligerent since my return. I believe attempting to engage with him at this point would only cause him to lash out further.”

“But have you figured out why?” asks Hank. “You know what’s got his panties in a twist?”

“That is an unsolicited mental image,” says RK900, “but I believe it is related to my dereliction of duty while I was confined to Cyberlife for repairs. The damage was extensive and I was unable to assist with Detective Reed’s caseload for much longer than he has been accustomed to. The evidence leads me to conclude that he is still resentful of my prolonged absence.”

“Unbelievable,” says Tina. “Brain the size of a planet and that’s what you conclude.”

“Nines,” says Connor, kindly, “replay your memories from the night of the shooting. My hypothesis is that you may not have taken all the evidence into account.”

The memories from the night of the shooting. Why, when the way that Gavin’s been acting ought to be explanation enough? Why go back to the sound of the gunshot like a cracking whip, the split second of frenzied calculation, the bullet in motion -- straight as the crow flies -- Gavin’s eyes widening as RK900 shoved him away, the sharp brittle crack of his shell coming apart, and then the terrible, painful static filling his head-- and Gavin’s fingers, slicked with blue, shaking uncontrollably as he fumbled to hold the shards of his skull together-- Gavin shouting something at him that he couldn’t hear over the noise, then Gavin’s lips still moving noiselessly when his audio processors cut out, just a deafening silence as the countdown began, and barely visible beyond the angry blur of error messages and critical malfunctions that had filled his view -- only now in the solemn clarity past the moment, RK900 could see -- in the low light of the alleyway, on his knees in filth beside him, Gavin looked--

RK900 glances up from his glass, turns to the far side of the bar where Gavin has been all night. The giveaway flurry as Gavin whips his head away, pretending for all he's worth as though there’s something very interesting on the wall next to him. He knows RK900 is looking, and RK900 knows that he knows because he stubbornly refuses to look back.

“Go talk to him,” says Tina, again.

His ears are flushed, thinks RK900, and stands up.

Neptune in the Houses

Ruler of Pisces, the last sign of the zodiac, Neptune contains a lot in its waters. It takes mutable sign complexity to the max. In a chart, it shows where you see infinite possibility and have difficulty forming boundaries. This can be very spiritual, of course, seeing the ether(Pisces) from which life is born(Aries). Neptune causes you to hear faint things nobody else can- it’s the most direct connection to whatever exists beyond this world. This inspires transcendental art, unconditional compassion, and reasons to continue living earthly life, but there can be too much of a good thing. What was once an occasional break from reality becomes a full-time gig, and a refusal to face anything head on. In my opinion, Neptune is the most difficult planet to channel into reality, because that’s exactly what it’s not. A bottomless well is tapped into.

**Also consider the signs! So if you’re a 3rd house Neptune in Sagittarius, you can look at the 9th house as well as the 3rd. Also include the sign that rules your 12th house(the sign before your ascendant.) You can also apply these descriptions to any pisces placement you have.**

1ST HOUSE– Unbridled neptunian traits. Here, the person morphs to every twitch of change in their surroundings, but doesn’t realize they’re doing so. Open martyrs. There is something mesmerizing about this person- they look at everyone as if a bit awestruck. Their eyes are wide-open, glossy, and unreadable. There’s a tendency towards rounded features and glisteny cheeks. Soft golds and shades of pink and orange suit them, as well as foamy green. Dissolving is their IDENTITY, which is a difficult thing to muster. Body dysmorphia is common. They tend towards escapism, pushing things a little too far(look at the sign of Neptune to see in what way. A Cancer Neptune would personify their home environment, whereas an Aquarius Neptune would morph to fit social groups.) They compulsively agree with people, and change their minds later. Losing themselves in their identity, they are the world’s dream.

Ex: Marilyn Monroe, Freddie Mercury, Paris Hilton, Jim Carrey, Bjork, Courtney Love, Andy Warhol

2ND HOUSE– The body is the outlet for Neptune. Self-image is incredibly fluid, with no sense of object permanence, often forgetting one’s own face until they look in the mirror. Their faces have a strange symmetry, as if the two halves are about to merge. The second house symbolizes self-worth, material belongings, and eating habits; all of these lack solidity with Neptune placed here. Very inconsistent eating patterns, judging the worth of objects based on sentimentality, and blending of self-worth with other people are common tendencies. Major identity merging, with a knack for drawing more rigid people out of their shells.

Ex: Donald Trump, Katy Perry, Jennifer Lawrence, Isaac Newton, Tom Hanks, Carl Jung, Marie Curie

3RD HOUSE– Childhood/early school life was likely very strange. They child had a habit for daydreaming and knew way more than they could verbalize. As a result, communication is now an enigmatic thing. This placement points to an excellent ability to visualize, and to freely move between realms within one’s thoughts. Very poetic. They can paint complex pictures with their words. However, clarity is not a strong point. Miscommunication is a frequent issue, with people just not -getting- what they’re saying. They’re way smarter than they often get credit for. Words come out backwards- and forwards- and seem to have a kaleidoscopic life of their own. This may point to someone who experimented with drugs at an early age, or was just subjected to heavy themes. They may be too surrendering to their friends or siblings, or have friends who are dreamy themselves.The dreamlife is chattery. Neptune is a mutable planet and the 3rd a mutable house, so these people are very changeable.

Ex: Leonardo DiCaprio, Beyoncé Knowles, Keanu Reeves, Kurt Cobain, 14th Dalai Lama, Friedrich Nietzsche

4TH HOUSE– ‘Home’ is illusive with this placement. They have a great sense of devotion to their family(whether this be flesh and blood or not), but they can never seem to get things just -right-. Their inner world is cavernous and ever changing- the sense of security that they long for evades them. A feeling of being left behind, a ghost in their own home. Childhood memories may be hazy and idealized. They’re hypersensitive to their own emotional currents, often getting swept away in the tides. They spend a lot of time feeling their inner world out, and the physical home is often an outlet to that. It’s halls can feel like a sanctuary or a tomb depending on their mood. They can be a martyr to their family, sacrificing themselves as the glue that holds it all together.

Ex: Johnny Depp, Uma Thurman, Emma Watson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Marilyn Manson, Sigmund Freud, Cher

5TH HOUSE– Neptune expresses especially creatively here, with the planet of dissolvement  and art in the house of childlike creation. Love can take this person to a different world. This person can easily get swept up in dramatic love affairs. They can be very idealistic, expecting everything to work out without any effort- their intention is enough. Love is the end all be all viewed through hazy pink shades. Nothing feels more divine than to create life- whether it be through art, romance, or even children. Their relationship with children can be mystical, as they raise children who are dreamy themselves. This is someone who loses themselves in the everyday celebration of living.

Ex: Martin Luther King, Drake, Tyra Banks, Charles Manson, Fergie, RuPaul, Jack Black

6TH HOUSE– This is interesting! It’s Neptune placed in its opposite(virgo) house. The 6th house rules health, routines, taking care of other people/pets, and work. Neptune adds a whole other dimension to all of this. This could be someone who treats daily work like a spiritual task, purifying everything with Neptune’s dewy glow. They could also treat their sacrifice as the ultimate burden. The thing about water planets/signs/etc is that they can be the most healing OR the most destructive. Neptune can raise things to the highest dimension possible, or it can simply cause rot. 6th house Neptune unhinged can let daily details slip away. The house is rotting- there’s mold in the walls and the sink is crawling- the fish haven’t been fed in days, you can’t remember the last time you ate. Surrendering yourself to what -needs- to be done will overcome this.

Ex: Mahatma Gandhi, Kanye West, Alexander the Great, Billie Holiday, Gordon Ramsay, Sigourney Weaver, Malala Yousafzai, Jackie Chan

7TH HOUSE– A tricky one. This person may not notice Neptunian traits in themselves, but simply because they project them on others. They draw sirens to them like a sailor, wide-eyed and dressed in silky scales. Interacting with people is a direct outlet to divinity. Their romantic partners could be in the occult community, artists, or medical professionals. They could be unstable, bottling substance abuse and hysteria. Loved ones may be institutionalized, or lead the 7th House Neptunian to hysteria themselves! Wherever Neptune is placed, infinity is wide open, and as such static ‘reality’ is hard to cope with. Their partners are adaptable to the extreme. Relationships may appear out of nowhere, shockingly perfect, and then slink away just as quickly. This is someone who interacts with spirit in their daily exchanges.

Ex: Mother Teresa, Amy Winehouse, Charlie Chaplin, Paul McCartney, Cate Blanchett, Jean-Paul Sartre

8TH HOUSE– Suspended in the murky waters of the 8th house, Neptune seeks new depth. It scrapes the bottom of reality, a mere splash of its tail causing turmoil. This person surrenders themselves to touchy subjects, whether it be sex, crossing emotional boundaries, or the mere act of being openly intimate wherever they go. They keep themselves wide open to be explored, which can make some uncomfortable. Whereas 4th house planets swim in their own emotional well of ancestry/family, the 8th house subjects anything it contacts to its probing, pulling precious insights to anyone and anything. With Neptune here, there is no plug. The individual can resort to escapism and self-destructive behaviours to escape this flood of information. Periods of intense obsession are one way to purge and breathe freely again. They experience intense highs and lows, many all-encompassing ego deaths that spit them out as a stronger being than they could ever before imagine. It’s possible this could include real near-death experiences. Spirituality and self-sacrifice is an all or nothing affair.

Ex: Adolf Hitler, Shakira, David Bowie, Lana Del Rey, Kristen Stewart, Whitney Houston, J. K. Rowling, Snoop Dogg

9TH HOUSE– Neptune is always searching in this house. The 9th house is explorative, no longer in the mental way of the 3rd house, but physically. The planets in this house get your legs moving and your heart pounding. With Neptune here, one is wide open to new experiences. They absorb others’ viewpoints like a sponge, with a heart calling for adventure. They collect artifacts that bring them closer to their ideal spirituality- shells, crystals, tarot cards, quotes. They may seem a little stereotypical in their spirituality, but that’s just because they’re so eager to learn! Surrender is a great adventure to them, and they humbly accept every opportunity. The biggest problem comes from an overzealous zest for exploration, which results in not traveling down any single path long enough to truly absorb it. I could see religious fanatics falling in this category, over-excited students who preach half-information on street corners. Regardless, their pure enthusiasm is contagious. Neptune is especially boundless here.

Ex: Rihanna, Elvis Presley, Brigitte Bardot, Heath Ledger, Vincent Van Gogh, Bob Dylan, Carrie Fisher

10TH HOUSE– Neptunian traits are broadcasted here, as the 10th house is where you stand on the world’s stage. The public’s perception of you is always a little -off-. These folks can be viewed as more perfect than they actually are, because they serve as a reflection of the public’s desires. They morph to fit the structure they’re given. Being publicly known as a savior, a star. Publicly known substance abuse. An overly-empathetic boss.. A lazy boss. Long term goals that slip through the hands like sand. They dream of being in control, utterly in charge of their fate. They may create the illusion of having power over others, while feeling entirely helpless. Jobs in customer-service, cinema, body modification, the medical field, and spiritual work. Feeling pressured to be forgiving. Having an absent father. Hypersensitivity to criticism and nonexistent boundaries. Everyone views you as something different.

Ex: Princess Diana, Napoleon, Bruce Lee, Pablo Picasso, Bob Marley, Russell Brand, Patti Smith

11TH HOUSE– A feeling of confusion and mysticism surrounds friendship. The 11th house rules group associations and with Neptune they come and go freely, as if connected to one’s moods. An experimental spirituality, with robotic dreams. Dreams are discussed in group settings. Their inner world is electrifying and detached, morphing into crystalline images of the future. Losing your identity in groups. Sacrificing oneself to humanitarian causes. Dreams that never match up with reality. Using groups to escape mundane reality- role-playing, fantasy games, book clubs, night clubs, group drug usage. Using the internet to escape. Sharing art on the internet… only making art with others. Electric guitar/synthesizers. Space-age music. Shocking talents. Illusive friends. Having vague feelings of mistrust towards humanity. Sticking out like a sore thumb. Being quiet in groups, yet omnipresent. People have vague feelings of mistrust towards you. Getting walked all over. Having clear boundaries is important. Don’t feel uncaring for being direct– your security is important and most aren’t as open as you!

Ex: Albert Einstein, Hillary Clinton, Mozart, Nicki Minaj, Robin Williams, George Harrison, William Shakespeare, Frida Kahlo, Shia Labeouf

12TH HOUSE– This is Neptune in its home, so these people can accidentally be the most Neptunian of all. Whatever is in the 12th house is a “big secret”, subconsciously repressed, but the thing about secrets is that they seep into everything. Neptune in the 12th house is secretly hypersensitive. Part of them wants to slip away and never be seen again. The 12th house is everything- a reflection of every sign and then some- so EVERYTHING is a sacrifice with this placement. They’re easily absorbed into what’s going on around them, but nothing really compares to their inner world. The inner world is soft and warm and always morphing into some new kaleidoscopic shape. It’s never stagnant like reality, utterly predictable in its dull human colors and rigid shapes. It’s not surprising for these people to be shut-ins, allowing them a boundary for self-reflection. They feel guilty for how content they are entirely alone(the rest of the chart interferes ofc.) Hiding away from everything uncomfortable isn’t the answer, but neither is blind sacrifice. Finding a way to express this private sea of symbols in a way that is tangible to everyone around them and, most importantly, to themselves is important.

Ex: Prince, Salvador Dali, Nikola Tesla, Winona Ryder, Hillary Duff, Joan of Arc, Erykah Badu, Sid Vicious

Signs

Prompt: (Request from Anon) hii! can i request a chill/fluffy charles x reader (ft the rest of the team) where theyre all talking about zodiac signs over breakfast and arguing about whos sign is the best and everything, and raven being totally obsessed with which signs are the most compatible (+reader is an aries and id imagine charles is an aquarius or taurus? but idk if theres any canon info on that or not) this might be a corny request but itd be cute i think! if you do it thanks in advance!!❤♈️            

Word Count: 1326

Notes: Beta’d by the amazing, flawless @like-a-bag-of-potatoes

Anon, I hope I did this justice for you. I LOVED this idea because I love astrology and X-Men. I found all the signs (save for Reader and Charles) online, so idk if it’s super accurate but I went with it! I hope you all enjoy it!

~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m serious, I’m a Cancer,” Raven insisted as she sat at the large round breakfast table in the breakfast nook of the kitchen.

“You know, I can see it,” Hank agreed as he eyed her sweetly.

“Thank you, Hank!” she said, thrusting her hand at him.

You weren’t sure how it got started, but as everyone was making waffles, pancakes, toast, sausage, bacon, potatoes, and pouring cereal, milk, orange juice, or coffee, a huge thing had erupted about astrology. Raven was trying to tell everyone she was a Cancer.

“But I’m a Cancer too,” Peter interjected. “And you and I are nothing alike.”

You scoffed. “As if. You two are the most smart assed, sneaky, overly clever bastards here. You’re almost like twins.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Raven said with a smile.

“Okay, Y/N, what about you, huh? What magical sign are you?” Peter asked, so far he’d made no bones about how silly it was to discuss zodiacs.

“I’m an Aries,” you informed sticking your tongue out.

“Figures,” Scott said. “What with the fire breath and all. Aries is a fire sign so…” he shrugged.

“Good morning, everyone,” Charles greeted as he entered and grabbed a cup of coffee, and made a plate of bacon and pancakes. Your stomach felt the full force of the butterflies erupting around inside. You’d had a bit of a crush on the Professor for a while but you were a student-teacher at the school so you weren’t sure how appropriate that would be to make a move. Yet, that didn’t stop Raven from constantly pushing you two together.

“Good mornings” rang out from each of the students and teachers around the table.

“What are you all so animatedly discussing? I could hear you well down the hall,” he informed as he sat down and sipped his coffee.

“Astrology,” Jean said simply.

“Ah yes. Let me guess, Raven brought this up,” he said with a teasing smirk at his friend.

“How did you know?” Jean asked.

“See when we used to go around pubs--”

Raven smacked his arm and he began laughing.

“Shut up,” she instructed. “No one needs to hear that.”

“Professor, what’s your sign?” Jubilee asked.

“I’m an Aquarius,” he informed simply.

“Makes sense,” she said. “They’re usually truthful, inquisitive, highly intelligent, and kind.”

“Oh please, you could apply that mumbo-jumbo to anyone,” Peter said. “Besides, Cancers are sympathetic, sensitive, and caring too, no different.”

“Yes, but Cancers are very emotionally driven while Aquarius are much more thought driven,” Jubilee added.

“So what’s yours then?” Peter encouraged.

“Pisces!” she announced with pride as she sat up a little bit.

“Why am I not surprised?” Logan said in a deep voice. He’d been rather quiet through the whole ordeal except a smirk here or there.

“And just what is that supposed to mean?” Jubilee demanded, turning to the hulking man on her left.

“Means you’re spunky and artistic. Of all the Pisces I’ve met, they’re all just like you,” he informed nonchalantly.

“So you mean they’re all great?” she said with a scrunch of her nose.

“Please, we all know no one can get anything done without a Capricorn,” Scott boasted before leaning back and tucking his hands behind his head.

“Let me guess, you’re a mer-goat?” Peter said. “Psht.”

“I’ll have you know, I’m ambitious, determined, and practical. All the things you aren’t, Mr. Cancer,” he shot back.

“I’m shaking in my boots, the goat is gonna get me.”

“Hank, what’s yours?” Raven asked before she quickly followed up with. “No! Let us guess.”

“I bet it’s Taurus,” Peter said.

“I’m thinking Virgo,” you offered.

“Wrong, both of you,” Hank informed.

“Is it Leo?” Raven tried as she had been staring at him as if he were a puzzle.

“Yes, how did you know?”

“Simple. Leo is lion. Lions are known for their heart, being optimistic, kind, and loyal,” she explained with a kind smile.

“Right you are,” Hank agreed with the raise of his coffee cup.

“Lion is a beast, after all,” Logan said with a nudge to Hank who gave a half-smile.

“Oh, Logan, what’s your sign?” you asked.

“Oh, no, I’m not getting involved in this BS.”

“Come on, it’s just for fun.”

“I don’t even know it,” he said. You weren’t sure if he was lying or legitimately didn’t care to remember.

“Well what’s your birthday?”

He told everyone with a roll of his eyes.

“Taurus,” Raven said. “He’s a Taurus. You know, I can see it now. Practical...ambitious, reliable.”

“Great, I sound like a new appliance or car,” Logan scoffed, still poring over the newspaper.

Everyone laughed as they went back to eating for a second before Raven broke the clatter of dishes and chewing.

“You know, none of the signs mean anything without knowing who they go best with,” she offered, her eyes flickered to you. Your stomach knotted as you realized where she was taking this.

“Oh, yes!” Jubilee agreed.

“So let’s see,” she started, eyeing the table. I’m Cancer and we’re best with….Taurus?” she informed, pulling her expansive astrology knowledge to the forefront of her mind. “So Logan, you and Peter should go on a date,” she joked as everyone laughed at the expression on Logan’s face.

Peter made a kissing face toward Logan before his middle claw came out. “You’re not my type,” he informed with a snort.

Laughter rumbled around the table.

“Wait, Jean what’s your sign?” you asked. “We have to know if you and Scott are compatible.”

“I’m a Virgo,” she said quietly, her gaze dancing to Scott next to her.

“Oh, yeah,” you said as if it was obvious. “Virgo and Capricorn are a match made in heaven. Both are practical, driven, loyal, and ambitious.”

“Virgos are also perfectionists, which rings true with Jean,” Peter said.

“I am not a perfectionist,” she argued. “I just like things to be their best!”

Another roll of laughter went around the table.

“Okay, fine, maybe I’m a bit of a perfectionist.”

Peter coughed, “Control freak.”

“Har-Har,” she sneered at him.

“So that leaves Jubilee. Pisces, right?” Raven confirmed as Jubilee nodded. “I think the only person you fit with at the table is Peter…”

“I’m fine with that,” she informed as she stared at him.

“We should put it to the test. Everyone here who matches the zodiac should go on date,” Peter offered.

“That’s dumb,” Scott said.

“You just think it’s dumb because you’re already dating your match. This Saturday, we all date our match. So that’d be me and Jubilee; Jean and Scott; Raven, you and Logan.”

“Do I have to?’ she pouted.

“You could do worse, sister,” Logan insisted.

“Hmm, so that leaves Hank, Charles, and Y/N. Y/N, you’re an Aries, right? I hear they go good with Aquarius.”

“I-uh-yeah….I wouldn’t know,” you said, suddenly flustered. Your face was red, you were aware, and being aware made it all the worse.

No one else had known about your crush on Charles except Raven, now it seemed everyone who was looking at your face was keenly aware of your embarrassment.

“What about it, Y/N? Care for a date?” Charles offered, flashing a grin that took your breath away.

“Uh...sure,” you whispered.

“Wait, so where does that leave me?” Hank asked. At that moment, Storm walked in.

“Storm, what’s your sign?” Raven asked as she turned around while Storm fixed a plate.

“My zodiac? It’s Libra, why?”

“Perfect! Libra and Leo go together.”

“Uh, Storm, would you want to go on a date this Saturday? We’re trying to prove something,” Hank informed, feeling silly.

“Would I ever! Yes! Let’s do it. I don’t know what we’re proving, but I’m down.”

“There, it’s settled! Everyone will have a date and we’ll go over who had the better time on Sunday.”

“I’m very much looking forward to this,” Charles informed as he stared at you.

“Me too,” you squeaked.

Why Sam Hodiak is David Duchovny's sexiest television character.

I have previously written blogs on Mulder and Moody, but not Sam Hodiak. Sam Hodiak was the character Duchovny played for two seasons on the show Aquarius. You should be able to tell by the title of this blog that descriptions of Duchovny deliciousness are likely to flow. If you don't like to read about how delightfully sexy the man is, this might be a blog to skip. On the other hand this is not a blog strictly about physical appeal but as much about acting choices and acting talents. In comparing his main three characters, Mulder is the one easiest to love and Duchovny became an international sex symbol playing Mulder, so it may be a little odd to say this, but I never got the sense that Mulder, the character, saw himself as a physically attractive man. He was a nerd boy, living alone in his apartment, watching lots of porn, geeks as friends, seldom dating, making female scientist friends online. He was athletic but a little socially inept. His arrogance stemmed far more from his intellectual superiority than his great physical prowess. If he had known how handsome he was, as Eddie Van Blundt did during the time he took over Mulder's identity, then he would have been a different character. Hank Moody obviously is supposed to be like a drug to the ladies and Duchovny showed enough of his body to assure we all knew how attractive of a man he is, but, as I said in a different blog, Moody often seemed less than sexy to me in the scenes where he is having sex. He is sexy in love with a woman, but sex for fuck's case often seems funny but a little pathetic. Moody is a drunken fuck up who squandered away his talents, his chances, his loves. There is little inherently sexy about that. Moody wasn't a physical character. He sucked wind in the scene running, didn't seem to share Duchovny's athleticism (remember the boxing scene) and scenes where he was physically fighting were hilarious for how inept he was. As I said in another blog, both characters have the obvious advantage of looking like Duchovny. So both characters are gorgeous and the still shots clearly resonate with the beauty of Duchovny, but, drawn into the story and the character, it is easier to remember that Mulder is a nerd boy and Moody a loser than remember that the actor playing them is one of the finest looking men around. This is a testament to Duchovny's acting. In my opinion ( and I know some will disagree), if you love the characters you are as much or more attracted by the personality and characters as you are the physical appeal of the actor. This brings me to Hodiak. Hodiak is a character of a different physicality. We see it in the first scene where he is punching the bag at his house. This is a man who could kill with his hands. He is a man who has always been thought of as the most attractive man in the room. His ex wife, Opal, says of Hodiak and his sometimes love Grace, that they were always the handsomest couple at the country club. When Hodiak walks into a room he expects the women to turn and look at him. When the stripper tries to have sex with him or the much younger Billie asks him out or his former partner's wife shows up at the station to seduce him, he is not awkward or surprised. This has been his life. In fact, when working on a case of gay men being murdered, he is told in a bar that he is a "grandmother" and not as cute as he used to be, there is an incredulous reaction that his sex appeal might be waning. He is a character difficult to love. While it may be comical to see him struggling with the new Miranda ruling, it is shocking when he kills suspects. He is, at best, morally ambiguous. Yet, of course, you are drawn to his own set of values related to loyalty, his mentoring of a young female police officer, his ability to talk down a Hispanic officer who has "passed" as Irish from committing suicide after his ethnicity is outed. Hodiak is a complex character inhabiting a confusing time. Even the difference in Moody and Hodiak as drunks reflects a difference in physicality (of course, Californication is a comedy and Aquarius a drama). Moody is an adorable drunk. You almost cannot imagine him sober. Even when his love ones stage an intervention to get him into rehab, they want hm to moderate not abstain. Hodiak begins the series sober, but by mid first season has returned to this demon and his life begins to unravel. Moody's drunkenness turns him inward, makes him reflective. Hodiak's drinking unleashes more physicality; a fact often directed at others. Unlike Mulder and Moody where you often forget about their physical attractiveness until a red speedo or an ass shot reminds you, in Hodiak you have a character you might detest but to which you are nonetheless physically attracted. I hated Hodiak drinking, but often thought how much I would love to taste the liquor on his breath. I am far more brain than brawn attractive and, yet, can imagine smelling and tasting Hodiak after an especially sweaty boxing workout. There is not a moment of Hodiak's screen time that, regardless of whether you are disgusted or impressed with his actions, you are not aware that he would be a most enjoyable man to fuck. Now, Duchovny has clearly taken great steps to keep himself in great physical shape, but is it truly feasible that the middle fifties year old actor is better looking than his 90s self? Remember all the lists of sexiest and most good looking men Duchovny was on in the nineties. Also remember, I love Mulder. Mulder is the type of man to whom I would typically be attractive. So why in the Hell is Hodiak the sexiest of Duchovny's character? I think it comes down to the acting decisions that a brilliant actor trained in method acting makes. My suspicion is that David Duchovny is well aware of what it is like to always be the handsomest man in the room and he knew it before he was ever famous. In Mulder and Moody he never played to pure physicality. It would not have been appropriate, but in Hodiak he turns it on full force and gives out all the physical sex appeal he can because it is appropriate for this character. Mulder was brain not brawn. Moody...it never made sense that this non athletic man was in the shape of Duchovny when you (thankfully often) see his abs, but you were never distracted from the storyline because of it. You would see a scene of him on the golf course or fighting and realize that it was not his physicality that kept the women interested, but Hodiak...well, fuck is all I have to say and I guess that's a good place to end this blog. I miss Aquarius for a lot of reasons, a lot of great actors, good writing with socially relevant story lines, but I also miss Aquarius because I want to fuck Sam Hodiak.

A Moody Blog

This blog was requested by a fan back in March but it took me a while to think about what I wanted to write about Hank Moody.  This week-end my life has taken on some twists and turns which makes me think of the crazy scenarios in Moody’s life.  So it seems appropriate to write this.  Unlike my other blogs about the work of Duchovny, it takes a little bit of strange, a couple of beers, a shot of Tullamore Dew in me to feel like I might brave the complex and challenging task of writing about Californication.  Tonight is the night for me to write about Moody.  

As I write this Warren Zevon is playing.  I have to disclose up front that as I was working on the final version of my (yet to be published) novel “Blue Dreams” I agonized as it got close to finish over what tradition I would establish for finishing a novel.  I assume there will be many more finished novels before my life is over and I wanted to really think about the tradition.   I  love Moody’s Whiskey, Weed and Warren.  Alas, I am not in a legalized marijuana state.  So for me it was Cabernet, Cigar and Clapton.  I am a person who love the rituals of food and drink.  Moody doesn’t seem to me to be a character who appreciates tradition or rituals, so the fact that what he holds Holy is the ritual of his completion of a written project - which, of course, has to be alliterative, touches the writer in me.  If I love Moody it is mostly as a fellow writer with the fantasy of a writer’s life that is so extreme that I will never experience it.  I was saddened by reading “ A Crazy Little Thing Called Love”.    The Moody writing in my dreams is a combination of Bukowski,  Hunter S. Thompson and, since there has to be a bit of the feminine perspective in Moody’s writing, some Erica Jong.    Until I knew of Moody I never thought of a ritual for ending a novel. Now I kind of feel my ritual is locked in stone.  Cabernet, Cigar and Clapton.  How does that change my writing from if it was Whiskey, Weed and Warren?  Anyway, tonight as I write about Moody I have two of the three going for me - Whiskey and Warren!   Most importantly, though, I have the strange going on and if you love Moody, you love the strange.  

Watching “Californication”  requires you to have all the brain synapses firing at once.  You have to have your intellectual, creative, crass, lustful and romantic brain functions happening at the same time.  Also, you need a strong sense of smell.  Watching Californication is a little like attending a posh LA nightclub, followed by a walk down the most foul Long Beach alley, finding yourself watching an episode of Father’s Knows Best and waking up in Malibu not sure if the beach scene you’re waking up to in the morning, hung -over, is reality or a movie scene.   Its a long Hard Day’s Night to try and examine.  

It took me a while to warm up to it. As i have said in previous blogs,  until 2015 I had never seen David Duchovny in anything but “the X-Files”. In completing a watch to prepare for season ten,  interviews led me to discover my favorite Duchovny- the writer and song composer.   However, in season nine of the X-file I missed Duchovny and watched the “Californication” pilot but did not make it through the whole way.    Luckily I watched “Aquarius” - I am so lustful of Hodiak- and then watched every movie I could find; eventually finding myself back to “Californication.”  I had assumed that “Californication” was a a sex pornography comedy for men with no merit in plot.  I was wrong.  

I decided, after some time in examining Duchovny’s oeuvre, that the X-Files is actually the side step in Duchovny’s career.  It happens that Mulder made him an international sex symbol and is my favorite of his roles, but it does not fit into the progression of his work prior to the X-Files in the way that Californication does. Duchovny’s first named part was as a man unable to resist women in “New Year’s Day.”  The scene where Duchovny and Jaglom discusses “Billy’s” motives and Billy says he wants to pay back women who are nice to him with a kiss, with sex and its confusing when the conversation should stop and the kissing begins, could be a much younger Hank Moody.  He then appears as a swinger with multiple sex partners in “The Rapture” .  Kalifornia, Julia has two lovers and Red Shoes Diaries follow.  All of those movies also demonstrates that Duchovny would have no fear of being naked on film.  Even the role of the transgender Denise Bryson on “Twin Peaks” or the role as himself on the Larry Sanders show demonstrate that he is not afraid to confront sexual norms.  It makes perfect sense that he would be Hank Moody.  

It is a testament to his acting that Mulder and Moody are so different and, yet, I cannot imagine anybody else in these roles.  Duchovny is a comedic genius with perfect timing and great instincts about when to play over the top and when to play subtle.  There are so many reasons to love Californication, but people who have read my blogs know that I love the yin and yang, the lightness and dark, the sweetness around the pain. It should come as no surprise, then, that if I have to choose my three favorite things about Californication, it is all the contradictions.  

1.  Californication stretches my ability to suspend my disbelief, but is in many ways the most realistic portrayal of humanity I have ever seen.  

2.  Hank Moody is the most sexy in the scenes with  less clear nudity or sexual depravity.  

3.  Californication is an intellectual show with crass humor.  The reason it is so funny is because of the combination of the two which lends itself well to the upside down quality of the chaos.  

1.  California stretches my ability to suspend my disbelief, but is in many ways the most realistic portrayal of humanity i have ever seen.  

In much the same way that I didn’t realize Mulder was supposed to be an attractive man when I first watched the X-Files, I have difficulty thinking of Moody as all that sexy.  They both have the advantage of looking like David Duchovny (more of that later), but Moody is a man often drunk/ stoned, unhappy with his life, self-indulgent man child, who is chronically unemployed with writer’s block and always getting fired from Hollywood jobs due to being an ass, he dresses sloppily and, while he drives a jag, he doesn’t keep it clean or well maintained.  Also, he is a writer - not an A list celebrity or rock star, a fucking, boring writer.  So, the fact that women not only can’t resist him, but often are seducing him as he valiantly and half-sincerely  tries to resist them is incredulous to me and I really had a hard time dealing with it.  However, Moody finds something special about every woman that he cannot resist  and he wants to be the one that makes sure each woman know how special she is for that unique quality they alone possess.  Well, that’s extremely erotic and sensual.  It takes him from being a misogynist to a character very respectful and caring of women- the way he treats the hooker, for instance, or coming to the defense of women time and time again.  Also the fact that he is a truth teller; always telling his own truth,  that is very charming.  

As the seasons progress Moody is in some ways the most calm of the people in his circle.  So many of the scenarios seem ridiculous and absurd.  Rick Springfield portrayal of pure egotism and selfishness.  Rob Lowe discussions of taking a man in his mouth.  Bates alcoholism and his sexual exploits.  Those three guest stars stand out the most to me.  Absolutely over the top absurd !

Then there is the masturbating agent and cokie smurf.  Charlie and Marcie are my favorite couple.  They love each other through it all in a way that seems more real than the ethereal and fairy tale way that Hank and Karen love each other.  While they are immoral, depraved and the upside down version of Fred and Ethel, the fact is couples get bored with their sex lives, they find adventures in other places, they fall into addiction and they have career failures and sometimes do outrageous things to keep financially afloat.  So as impractical as the scenarios are, they seem real in the most natural of ways.  

The reason we laugh at these impossible scenarios (such as Hank accidentally going down on the wrong women) is that we know that they are absurd, but we recognize the characters and qualities in ourselves.  Every single damn one of us is a fuck up in some way. This is the truth of humanity.  We are all wonderful creatures who all have some routine and persistent way of fucking it all up.  

The character who most demonstrates this is Karen.  Supposedly she is the normal one, placed on a pedestal, but the genius of Tom Kapinos writing is that she is the most fucked up of any of them.  Certainly more than Moody and all because she is not a truth teller.  She marries two other men during the course of the show while never not loving Hank.  She gives Hank back his ring because he might have (turns out he didn’t) impregnate a woman she set him up with when they were apart.  She knew he had sex with her when she accepted the ring, but suddenly the pregnancy meant they couldn’t be together and she never apologizes or admits to any of her part in keeping them apart.  Hank and her both have illusions of who she is which is not consistent with her actions.  Yet, Karen is never over the top unbelievable.  The fact is that when you really consider it she is far more fucked up than any of the foursome -Moody, Runkle or Marcy-makes the show more contemplative about the human condition than in the first casual viewing.

2. Hank Moody is the most sexy in the scenes with less nudity or sexual depravity.  

Does anyone really think that the threesome scene with Hank, Charlie and the “squirter” is erotic?  It is sad and funny simultaneously, but there is no eroticism in it.  The Hank and Karen in bed scenes are beautiful but less exhibitionist than most of the scenes with Hank and other women.  When Hank cares about a woman - say Faith - he is intensely attractive and sexy, but when he is having sex for fuck’s sake, he is not.  The women might be sexy and beautiful - often at least a decade younger than Moody (which is a different blog to write), but Hank is not sexy to me in those scenes in the least.  

In fact Moody is the sexiest in the two relationships where sexuality is not a part.  The scenes where he plays a father with his innocent and confused daughter are the most beautiful of all.  I watched a scene today of Hank trying to explain to Becca why he had sex with three women on campus and his pain at her pain is so beautiful.  By the way, watch that final scene from Season 3 episode 8 and then watch the Duchovny/ Jaglom scene from New Year’s Day and tell me the rationale for why the two characters are unable to resist seducing multiple women are not eerily similar.  

The other great relationship is that between Hank and Charlie.  I often find Hank at his sexiest in those scenes because he is sincere, funny, and full of love and the voice of reason.  

Now, I said I would talk about the fact that Moody has the advantage of looking like Duchovny.  The stills of Moody are among the most beautiful things in the world.  They are essentially still pictures of Duchovny naked or mostly naked.  OMG!  His ass is so beautiful I once wrote a poem comparing it to an apple (I think I would like a bite).  His arms and abs are those of a triathlon athlete.  The man can pose nicely in a pair of black briefs and even manages to pull off a kimono.  My favorite shot is the shot when he is on top of the television chef pouring chocolate sauce on her.  A still of that scene brings all kinds of sexual fantasies to my mind (TMI?).  I start every episode thinking to myself I am going to concentrate on...., but, as a credit to Duchovny’s acting, I become so drawn into the story, the humor, the facial expressions and body language that I forget that i am looking at Duchovny’s ass.  Case in point is the hilarious dialog in the chocolate sauce scene.  It simply is not as erotic as the still, because the character of Moody, or the depravity of that moment etc. distracts from the beautiful nudity.  However, the scene where the same cook is thrown out of the car and Moody insists on waiting with her for her husband to pick her up and he tells her not to allow herself to be ordered off the television like chinese take-out, Moody is sexy in that scene; a man I could see myself falling in love with it.  

If we are all of us fucked up, the fact that Moody makes no excuses for being fucked up and tells the truth makes him the most adorable fuck ups of us all.  He owns his faults and the part of him that cares about his daughter, her mother, his best friends and women in general is beautiful.  

3.   Californication is an intellectual show with crass humor.  The reason it is so funny is because of the combination of the two which lends itself well to the upside down quality of the chaos.  

One of the things in common with all of Duchovny’s television characters is that Moody is a well read, erudite, witty and intellectual man.  Love listening to the man talk in the same way I love a long monologue from Mulder.  Tom Kapinos writes intellectually.  I like the fact that each season is a separate and distinct “arc” but the story always returns to the “old fashion love story” ,to quote Duchovny, of Hank and Karen,  I like that season two harks back to “The Great Gatsby”.  It is a show splattered with great literary and musical references.  It is a show which sarcastically asks why women don’t have pubic hair anymore and asks for people to be less shallow in how they interact with one another.  Yet it is also a show where Moody defecates on a car and where fart, masturbation and stinky finger jokes abound.  I am not usually a low brow humor type of gal, but I do believe that without this lower brow humor, Californication might seem pretentious and a little full of itself.  So in the end, even for a snob like me, the jokes such as the mangina, Rick Springfield’s name being said in its entirety every time, the falsetto mother fucker, and a man eating a chocolate bar out of a woman’s most intimate part make me laugh.  

I am glad that I gave Californication not only a second but a third chance.  Moody is my third favorite Duchovny’s character behind Mulder and Hodiak, but that is probably because I tend to be drawn more to serious drama than to light comedy.  As a self-proclaimed foremost authority on David Duchovny I can say that Moody is a role for which Duchovny’s early work prepared him and that his comedic ability is truly genius.  I hope he does more comedy- romantic comedy.  Would love to see him in a remake of the Philadelphia story but I am not sure which of the two male characters he would be better in playing.  The writing of Tom Kapinos and the great acting of the rest of the ensemble:  Evan Handler, Pam Adlon, Natasha McElhone, Madeline Martin are amazing.  

I hope a movie is made.  i would love to see a movie made with the plot that the Broadway production of “A Crazy Little Thing Called Love” finally is made.  Hope it occurs soon!