#gaslighting myself into thinking it doesn’t hurt and everything is fine
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I thought i was okay with being alone. i made myself be okay with being alone. I thought it wouldn’t bother me seeing everyone have their own people. i thought it was easy to walk these corridors surrounded by ghosts of my own lonesome. But on some days at night when i lay wide awake on my bed, i stare at the walls and i feel so lonely i count sheeps and force myself to sleep.
#sheepifying my loneliness away#gaslighting myself into thinking it doesn’t hurt and everything is fine#dark acamedia#light academia#desi academia#desi tumblr#chaotic academia
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Hey I hope this doesn't come off as aggressive but why are you so against people considering hgsn a yaoi? After all yoshiki is in love w hikaru (according to the early concept sketches anyway) and it is heavily implied that either hikaru or ''hikaru'' likes yoshiki
I never said Yoshiki doesn’t have feelings for Hikaru the original one, not Unuki.
When you go hgsn is a bl (or even worse, yaoi that means no climax, no point, no plot) you undoubtedly reduce the story to Yoshiki’s feelings for Hikaru and discard everything else.
People ship Yoshiki and Unuki (“Hikaru”) and that takes away all psychological layers this story has. Yoshiki doesn’t simply love “Hikaru”. What he held dear was his childhood friend, the only kid around his age in that secluded village, Hikaru. Now imagine one day he finds out Hikaru is no longer, he’s dead. If he’s dead he can’t see him again or hear his voice and that fucking breaks something inside of him. But there’s an identical copy of him, that has the same face and the same voice. Coping mechanisms activate and he somehow gaslights himself into thinking “this is fine, Hikaru is here”, only that it’s not Hikaru, it’s “Hikaru”. He knows it but prefers to ignore it (what you don’t know can’t hurt you). You know, the human need for things to stay the same, sudden changes one cannot control were never humanity’s cup of tea. It’s very subtle, and you have to realize: wait, someone actually died in this story, they’re not coming back, they were an important part of someone’s like and they’re not coming back. But there’s also “Hikaru” that learns how to live for the first time and you can’t simply pin Hikaru’s death and his abscence on “it” either, it’s way more complex than that, both sides are correct when you know both perspectives. “Hikaru” isn’t human so it doesn’t think like a human, if you know his perspective you can’t hate him bcs his brain (or whatever there is like a brain) can’t gasp the concept of survival that humanity has. And this “Hikaru” commits stuff that are unthinkable for a human being (killing a strangers like Matsuura, threatening to kill a friend like Asako) but at this point Yoshiki too thinks it’s his fault, he let the thing be and do as he please so it’s too late for him to pull out so all he can do is “bear the sins together”, what’s done it’s done now the show must go on. He doesn’t “bear the sins” together out of love, it’s an obligation he made peace with, in his head he’s just as guilty for those deaths (and Asako’s possible disability that could ruin her chances to play volleyball and that’s be fucked up if those were Asako’s plans for future)
When people say hgsn is a bl, they just focus on Yoshiki x Hikaru (“Hikaru”) oMg CuTe ElDeRiTcH gay monster obbsessed with yoshiki
And when people focus on hgsn is a bl they ignore everything else. Moku has a “show, don’t tell” kind of storytelling. There’s so many symbols that are basically foreshadowing or just easter eggs (chal mentioned once in the discord channel that the cypress bath salt from chapter 10 are from some greek mythology about someone dying i don’t recall the details, sorry it’s midnight and i didn’t have a greek mythology phase growing up), also Tanaka having chocolate on his board, and then adding sugar to his tea, that kind of insinuates he has a sweet tooth, just like Rie (that parfait, the recent chapters with the sweets on the table), anyway this is just a theory (tht Tanaka migt be Rie’s son), i could go on with way more details but that’s not the point of this post, there’s more symbols and stuff going on, been analysing the geography too as Moku doesn’t show us stuff randomly, or why did Moku choose to mention Herman Hesse’s work in chapter 2 (it’s not Demian, it’s the night peacock moth or however it’s in german Das Nachtpfauenauge ah thanks predictive keyboard)
I repeat myself again, when people say hgsn is a bl they just focus on the bl part and ignore all the complexities this work has. (When moku asked for questions for the qa at the end of vol 3 there were so many like “when will yoshiki and hikaru kiss 🥺”)
You say “early concept sketches” when the current work isn’t even sold as a BL, a story can go a different way from the first draft and concept (ofc you keep some stuff bcs if everything changws then it’s another story), not to mention that moku deleted that concept work, the only source available are the scanlation from nekojita (i think it was their group) and moku already said multiple times that hgsn is youth horror manga, unuki’s monster parts aren’t an allegory for being gay (or they could be but not like it was the sole intention)
In my opinion hikaru died too soon to realise and even accept his feelings for yoshiki, i guess that’s a possible reason why unuki is so confused, but im sure the story is more complex and has to do with the backstory, moku didn’t mention those famines and that bloody history for nothing, im not saying anything as I don’t have a good intuition for this stuff, so I’m just patiently waiting for moku to draw the story and reveal all the secrets
Besides, having queer male characters doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bl. Bl is a shojo genre, made by women for women, 2 guys so they have to skip all the inequalities women go through, bcs when it’s 2 guys they are both equal (don’t come at me, this is the real history of bl). Bl doesn’t even represent gay people nor normalise their presence, you’d think the country with the most Bls has already some lgbt friendly rules but guess what it’s not that case bcs bl isn’t for the queers. Actual works that focus on the queer experience are My brother’s husband, Yuhki Kamatani’s works or Kakeoichi Girl (i heard good things about Boys Run the Riot too but I didn’t read it yet). Bls focus a lot on adult (often teacher) x minor (often the student), on forceful interactions (such as SA), and it’s very hecking heteronormative (big is dominant, smal is dominated, big is manly, small is drawn that way especially so it’s very undistinguishable from a woman, again don’t come at me, it’s the BL rules)
So, in conclusion, again, hgsn isn’t just a bl, it’s more than that. Just like in Blue Flag, the queer feelings that exist are important for the plot, but they’re just there as plot driver (Yoshiki’s feelings for Hikaru blinding him into accepting the truth that Hikaru is no more), there’s more important stuff to focus on. There’s already much more BLs on the market than you could read in a lifetime, no need to force this tag on a story that isn’t one
Obviously you are alive and can do whatever you want, including shipping the depressed mop with the gay elderitch monster, but please don’t spread it as if it’s the only thing worth mentioning in the story 🙏 (i myself fallen to the BL tag at first bcs this is how it was introduced to me and it took me a few weeks to think “wait a minute…”)
#hikaru ga shinda natsu#the summer hikaru died#look you can ship whatever you want#i do that too#but i always remind myself and the other that it’s just for fun and not the actual plot of the story#answered
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i recently rewatched breaking bad, or: top 10 walt/jesse scenes that rewired my brain when i was 17 and still make me want to die 9 years later
S02 E04 “Down” — “You never think, you never figured out how to think!”
Jesse shows up to Walt’s because he has nowhere else to go, looking like the most pathetic man in the world, and Walt, the actual most pathetic man in the world, takes the chance to use him as an emotional punching bag. When Jesse finally snaps and makes the fight physical, he quickly gets the upper hand but he can’t bring himself to actually hurt Walt. Afterward, Walt invites him inside his little suburban home and offers him an apology breakfast. I’m tearing my hair out.
S02 E05 “Breakage” — “You need me more than I need you, Walt.”
In high school I brought my Breaking Bad DVDs over to my friend’s house and we watched this scene on the projector in her basement and we paused it so we could admire Jesse, huge. This is the only time in the entire series he calls him by his first name. I’m gnashing my teeth.
S02 E13 “ABQ” — “I loved her”, or: Jesse cries in Walt’s arms (Version 1.0)
Oh lads we’re really in it now. This whole sequence is insane but the Moment is when Walt tentatively pats his head and Jesse tightens his grip around Walt. I need to be sedated.
S03 E07 “One Minute” — “I am not turning down the money, I am turning down you!”
God. Okay. It’s the way that Walt just quietly listens as Jesse yells at him, letting him get it out of his system, and all he has to say in return is “your meth is as good as mine” to get him to change his mind 10 minutes later. Jesus Christ.
S03 E10 “Fly” — Walt tells Jesse he met Jane’s dad
This whole episode could be on this list, but the highlight is Walt’s “I never told you” story about meeting Jane’s dad the night she died. Walt kind of wants to tell Jesse the truth and he obviously carries a lot of guilt about what happened (“I’m sorry about Jane. I mean, I’m very sorry.”) so he does this weird half-confession thing, and the way Jesse stares at him, hanging on every word, trying to make sense of it… It’s insanity. It’s insane. And then of course there’s Jesse lovingly drugging Walt with sleeping pills and tucking him into bed. And taking off his SHOES FOR HIM… Are you fucking KIDDING ME!
S04 E09 “Bug” — Walt and Jesse’s knock-down drag-out fight
So much to love about this scene, from the buildup, to the moment Jesse realizes, but the best part is when Walt, thinking they’ve both gotten a few good hits in and that the fight is over, tries to stand up, only for Jesse to drag him down and beat the shit out of him. Then of course, the most cheer-worthy line of the entire series: “Can you walk? Then get the fuck out of here and never come back.”
S04 E12 “End Times” — Walt gaslights Jesse on expert level difficulty
The thing that really gets me about this scene, above all else, is how Walt leaves his gun out on a pillow and turns his back to Jesse, letting him take it. Knowing he’s going to take it. Walt is so confident in his ability to manipulate Jesse that he lets him hold a gun to his head, knowing he could never actually kill him. I’ll kill you myself, Walter.
S05 E02 “Madrigal” — Jesse apologizes to Walt for trying to kill him
Walt really thinks he’s doing a kindness to Jesse here, by relieving him of his guilt and anxiety and helping him “find” the “ricin cigarette.” He’s completely shocked when Jesse breaks down in tears, and tries to brush off the apology. It’s totally fine you tried to kill me, Jesse, let’s just move on… Why are you so hung up on that?
S05 E07 “Say My Name” — Walt’s greatest hits of abuse tactics
This six minute scene has everything: Walt taunting Jesse for having no one in his life (a couple episodes after manipulating him into dumping his girlfriend, of course), implying he’ll start using again if he cuts ties with him, mocking Jesse’s vulnerable invitation to go-kart together last season, listing off everyone they’ve killed (“Gale… and the rest”), and taunting Jesse for his moral objections. This scene is incredibly frustrating but the silver lining is that Jesse doesn’t get sucked in and try to argue back: he just walks away, leaving Walt alone, angrily yelling his name. LOL.
S05 E11 “Confessions” — “Will you stop working me?” or: Jesse cries in Walt’s arms (Version 2.0)
I’m at my motherfucking limit. Jesse sees through Walt’s shit at this point, having never bought his lies about Mike for a second, and he’s just begging Walt to be honest with him once. Just ask me to do you a favor, and I’ll do it. Stop trying to frame it as what’s best for ME. If Walt had engaged in the argument, Jesse probably could’ve stood stronger against it, but he still gives into the offer of emotional comfort. It’s so “you’re my number one boy” coded I feel SICK.
#i wrote this when i finished rewatching breaking bad and.. never posted it here :-)#hi#breaking bad
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I stared thinking and I had this idea for a request,,, SO,, reader (he/they) is a dad figure to the benchtrio cause damn they been through a lot,,,, but he's an admin on the server and has creative mode and will do anything for these kids, so it starts off nice, but then the bench trio starts taking advantage of their powers like "can I have some netherite" And reader is like "no tommy, I can't give you that, you have to work for it." And tommy gets all pissy cause he's like "you won't give it to me, your a bad dad!!" And so reader starts doubting everything they did and soon their physical and mental heath declines,,,, just cause these been doing everything for the kids without realizing that it was hurting themself,, the bench trio sees what they're doing and just,, feels so bad. Then the end cause my brain is fried. You can make the end whatever you want, it can be fluffy or you can continue with the angst <3 also please drink water !! Have a great day !!
-your new 🌙💀 anon !!
also, if you see this request out there, it's because I want to see this idea be written in different styles!! :D)
Hello welcome to the family 🌙💀 anon! Im soooooo sorry for this being really late.
I Need It
P!Bench Trio & Admin!Reader
Warnings - Manipulation, gaslighting, thoughts of suicide, attemped suicide
If you are in any way or form not in the right mental health area right now please do not read this and please try your best to help yourself.
Pronouns - They/Him
The wind wistled throughout Y/n’s ears as he built their home in the wonderous land of the Dream SMP. He smiled too himself as he looked on at the finished product of his home from his roof.
“Y/n!” They turned their head to see a blonde shouting for him. He smiled and jumped off of his roof onto the ground.
“Hey Tommy! What’s up?” he questioned the blonde.
“Y/n! I need something to defend myself! Bad is chasing me for no reason at all!” Y/n narrowed his eyes and pulled out his enchanted trident, though he didn’t really need it due to the fact that he was immortal.
Y/n stood infront of Tommy defensivley as he watched Bad approach the two of them.
“Bad why are you chasing Tommy? Be warned if it you have ill intent for the child I will strip you of your lives.” Y/n threatened as Bad saw them he let out a sigh.
“Tommy I would like my armour you stool from me back.” Y/n turned to the boy who gave them a nervous smile. Y/n let out a sigh and spoke.
“Tommy give him back his armour.”
“But he doesn’t need it! He has other sets of netherite armour! I have none!” Y/n frowned and held his hand out infront of Tommy waiting for him to give back the armour.
Tommy let out a huff, “Fine.” He handed the armour to Y/n and they returned it to the demon.
“Thank you Y/n, have a good day."
“You too Bad."
They turned to the boy who was now sulking to himself, Y/n snapped his fingers and in his hands apeared a full set of netherite armour.
The boy’s eyes grew wide as he took the armour, before doing so looking for comfromation from them. They nodded and he proceeded to put on the armour.
“Thank you so much Y/n! Thank you Thank you!” They gave the boy a smile and a pat on the back.
“Just make sure you stay safe alright?” the boy nodded, “And no more stealing.” they added in.
Tommy waved goodbye as he ran off to probably mess around with his friends. Y/n let out a sigh as the walked into the finished product of their home.
“Y/N!!” Y/n jolted awake from their bed as they heard their name being screamed.
“Y/n!!!” He jumped out of bed and basically threw themselve down his stairs. He ran to his door slamming the door open to see Tubbo standing at the entrance of the door.
“Tubbo what’s wrong?” their heart was beating out of their chest as they awaited the boy’s response
“I need a shulker box!”
They paused staring at the boy for a moment, “Wait why?” he questioned him.
“Well I’m working on this huge project and I really need one.” The boy looked exstatic and was even jumping up and down.
“Oh, okay.” he snapped his fingers and in his hand appeared a shulker box. The boy snatched it out of his hands before he even said thank you and ran off.
Somthing inside their heart began to crack. They hoped this would be the last time this would happen.
Y/n smiled as he played with the young piglin named Michael. The young boy loved playing with Y/n and the feeling was mutual for them too.
They turned their attension to the entrance to thhe boy’s room as he heard someone climbing up the ladder.
“Hello, who’s there?” he called out, right as he said that out popped up the enderman hybrid. “Oh hey Ranboo.” they gave the boy a smile and waved to him.
“Hey Y/n, how’s Michael doing?” he smiled to his child.
“Just fine. How are you doing today Ranboo?”
“Oh, well I’m doing quite fine, but I have a question to ask of you.” The hybrid fiddled with his fingers, “more of a favor actually.”
“Oh? and what’s that?"
“Well I heard from Tommy and Tubbo that you gave them really rare things and I was wondering if you could give me somthing too.” Y/n’s heart sank as he heard these words.
“What is it?”
“Could you give me a dragon head?"
As soon as he spoke in his hands appeared the thing he asked for. His face lit up and he quickly thanked them and ran off not saying another word as he left.
“Michael you don’t want anything from me do you?” The young boy tilts his head to the side and smiled.
Y/n stood infront of Tommy with their arms crossed and brows furrowed.
“Tommy I can’t just give you a whole stack of netherite.” They turned around and began walking away.
Tommy let out a huff of annoyance, well they did it before why not now. He needed this netherite.. well not really but he wanted it, he then thought of an idea of how to get it.
“Y/n listen! I have to be able to defend myself! W-what if.” he stopped making his voice quiver, “What if he gets out? Then I have nothing to defend myself, and it would be because you wouldn’t help me!”
Y/n froze, ‘my fault?’. When Tommy had been exiled they had been by his side the entire time, even though he blamed them for not doing anything to stop Tubbo from exiling him.
“I guess one stack wouldn’t hurt anything.” Tommy smirked quickly switching to a frown as they turned around to look at him.
They snapped their fingers and a whole stack of netherite appeared in Y/n’s hand. Tommy quickly snatched it from their hands and began counting them.
“Your welcome"
“Yeah yeah, thanks.” he said as he waved his hand at them.
Time went by and the boys kept coming back and asking and asking and asking. Everytime they would give into them whether they gaslit them or guilt tripped them, they always gave in.
Soon the words they said began to get to his head.
Your Fault
Your a horrible friend, father, or parent
You want them to die
Your Fault
Your Fault Your Fault
Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault
Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault
Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault
Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault
Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault...
Tommy came up to the home of his friend... more like a supplier now. He needed something from them and he intended on getting it.
He knocked on the door and waited.. and waited.. he knocked once more and waited.. and waited.. he began to get antsy and knocked once again and waited.
“Y/n?!” he shouted for them waiting for them to answer the door. “What’s taking them so long?” he let out a huff and just turned the door knob and entered the home.
Empty.
“Y/n?” He called out again.
Nothing.
Tommy bit his nail and searched around the home for them.
Empty.
They must have just been hanging out with the other two probably! Tommy ran out the home and searched for the other two boys.
Eventually came across them and waved a hello.
“Hey is Y/n with you guys?” he questioned the two. Ranboo shook his head and narrowed his brows.
“Wait he’s not with you? We were just looking for him now too.”
“You don’t think... maybe... all of the things we said made him upset?” Tubbo looked at the other two with a worried gaze.
The trio began to grow extremely anxious and began searching high and low for him. They asked Niki, Phil, and even Sam, but to no avail.
Tubbo and Tommy sat on their bench stressing for their friend and even their father figure.
“Guys! Guys! I just spoke to Ghostbur, he said he saw them at L’manburg!” The other two jumped out of tehir seats and took off in a sprint towards the large crater that used to be L’manburg.
The crater came into view and so did the person they had been loking for. He was sitting over edge of the large cliff legs dangling dangerously below him.
“Y/n!”
Their head perked up slightly, they turned to see the trio running towards them.
They finally reached him and began huffing and puffing out of exhaustion.
“My fault.”
Tommy raised his brows out of confusion.
“What?"
“It was my fault.. everything.. exile.. the explosion.. Dream harming you... all my fault."
They longingly looked over the edge.
“No.. none of that is your fault Y/n!” Tubbo’s hands began to shake as he noticed the hearts on their wrists, they were no longer in creative.
“Y/n? Why aren’t you in creative?” He questioned them.
They gave him a smile and tilted their head to the side.
“Well how else would I make it up to you guys?"
Everything happened so quickly it was all a blur, they couldn’t feel anything as they sat up and fell.
Maybe now they can make up for all the wrongs they did to the three of the boys. He smiled as he fell.
All of a sudden he came to a stop, a hand held onto Y/n's tightly. Confused they looked up to see Tommy struggling to hold onto them.
“Please don’t go!” he yelled at Y/n.
Y/n came back to reality and began to fear what would happen. He couldnt just leave these boy’s just like that. They held tightly onto Tommy’s hand as Ranboo and Tubbo helped pull them up.
“I’m so sorry-“ they were cut off by arms being wrapped around them by the boys.
“We’re so sorry!”
Y/n smiled and patted their heads.
“Everything is okay.. your okay now."
#dream smp x reader#dsmp x reader#dream smp x y/n#dsmp#tommyinnit#ranboo#Tubbo#tommyinnit x reader#ranboo x reader#tubbo x reader#dream smp#dsmp x y/n#platonic dream smp x reader#dream smp headcannon#mcyt x y/n#mcyt#platonic
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[Large Vent] I scream about how much i really hate The Jackbox Party Pack 10 so far and how it’s ruining my mental health against my will.
If you really really like how The Jackbox Party Pack 10 is looking, don’t read this: it’s going to ruin your mood. I really REALLY don’t like it, to the point i threw up when checking out their newest reveal, and it’s likely going to make you feel bad for enjoying it and that’s really not what i wanna do. It’s truly wonderful you can enjoy something that makes me sick, and my hate shouldn’t take away from your love and excitement for the pack.
This also talks a bit about how it’s effecting me mentally, and just how bad it’s tearing me appart due to my lack of a reliable alternate hyperfix i can fall back on and sustain myself with. Read this vent at your own risk, it’s kinda just sad and angry and will likely make you feel sad and angry reading it.
The Jackbox Party Pack 10 doesn’t feel like a real pack in the slightest, it feels like someone’s fan concept that people are gaslighting into thinking it’s real.
They all look so bad, how did ANY of these concepts get approved?!? How the actual fuck is the OFFCIAL Jackbox Party Pack 10 feel more like an fan concept than my fucking fan concept?! THAT’S NOT A GOOD THING!!!
My concept shouldn’t even be COMPAIRABLE to the official thing!! How the fuck does my passion project register more as an official pack than whatever shmuck Jackbox is puking out?!?
AND WHO’S BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO REVEAL TWO GAMES BACK TO BACK?!?! DO THEY WANT TO KILL THEIR STAFF?!?!?! BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU KILL YOUR STAFF!!!!
How, how does Jackbox manage to get my expectations to absolute rock bottom and STILL DISAPPOINT ME?! I expect nothing and i feel offended by how shit these are!! How do they make me physically ill when checking them? I threw up in my mouth when checking out their new toy!
I can’t fucking believe i predicted that The Jackbox Party Pack 10 was going to feel like rat poison to me...i’m terrified at what The Jackbox Party Pack 11 is gonna be to me
It’s to the point where the only way they could make it worse is if they pull another bait & switch and kick Word Spud fans in the shins again like they did for Drawful: Animate’s reveal. If they do that, then i’m going to lose all my respect for them as people, simple as that. Should be impossible since they already revealed their dogshit sequel, but i’ve been wrongfully right before.
Anyways, that’s all of the feelings i’ve been bottling up in regards to this horrendous disgrace to gaming that they’re trying to push. An actual fucking insult to anybody who likes their shit to have soul and don’t kiss Jackbox Games on their ballsack for everything they do (not that their is anything wrong with being a ballsack kisser, you do you as long as you aren’t actively hurting anyone because of your undying loyality).
It’s shit like this that makes me ashamed for being a Jackbox fan, i hate practically everything they do now, desperately scraping the bottom of the barrel for ANYTHING i enjoy about them because i am hungry for content and all i’m finding is rotten junk everyone else thinks is fine dining.
Is there just something wrong with me?! Do i actually like these games, or am i becoming the Jackbox Games pseudo equivalent to a Genwunner and i just can’t physically consume anything post Pack 7 anymore without having a massive problem with them as a whole?! This hyperfixation just feels like a ball and chain sometimes and my ankle feels so sore, i want to leave but i just can’t because hyperfixes aren’t an on & off switch i’m allowed to control.
I feel like that Deby downer that just ruins the fun for everyone. I want to love these game, i really do. But i just can’t, they make me sick to my stomach and i just...can’t consume them without crying or getting so angry. I feel like a miserable hag, i just want to love their packs again...i really really do and it’s tearing me appart internally to see everyone having fun and getting excited and i’m just unable to enjoy anything but unsustainable table scraps that leave me a sniffling mess at every nibble.
I gotta watch this company slowly kill itself and the only thing i can do is make memes complaining about my frustrations on Twitter. I’m just so tired....but i feel better with this all out there, i hope i can find a sustainable hyperfix to fall back on when Jackbox Games is failing me...i may depend on it.
#large vent#Jackbox games#the jackbox party pack 10#i'm not feeling well#tw: uncontrollable mental issues#what a miserable time to be a Jackbox fan...
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whew exhausted. this post is about d*m. i’m really tired of trying with him and i feel like for the entirety of our relationship i was constantly trying to get deeper and deeper and he wouldn’t let me. he hides his feelings so much, does not want to share anything with me because he’s embarrassed or scared of how i’ll act/if i’ll leave or abandon him, and in my opinion that’s not fair to me because you’re withholding... for... sus reasons. and i’ve always been on my detective shit, like, or barely actually it’s more like intuition or just like that shit be in my face lmao like it’s not that hard. like i always know what’s going on with him if he lying or not or he hiding something but he goes around and gets mad at me for trying to make him say what he not saying. he dead miss his ex still. and he dead still liking liking this one girl. that shit hurts reallllll fucking bad. real fucking bad. i just feel so... nothing. like i didn’t even matter. maybe i didn’t and i just have to accept that cus i can’t keep trying to mean something to him, i’m so tired. i’ve done so much and it’s meant nothing to him lol just because i’m not a specific person. i feel so useless and shit about myself lol. and i always ask him, do you care? do i mean anything to you, did i ever? and he gets pissed at that because he feels he has to make space for my emotions constantly. like i be asking these questions with good reason, because i know what the fuck be going on with you lol. i literally don’t know what i mean to this person and it’s so fucking hurtful. sometimes it feels real sometimes it feels feverish like it does right now and i’m like ... was anything fucking real man? he posted on reddit “my ex hates me, my best friend hates me, this girl i really like dubbed me too” and i’m like haha where am i? i don’t know where i fit in your life. it’s hard because i can’t express any of this shit to him because when i have before he’ll literally yell and scold me for being insecure and questioning and doubting him, us, shit. it’s so mind fucking and gaslighting. like oh yeah i’m crazy and insecure because i know what the fuck goes on that you won’t share? i’m sorry i just can’t accept these secrets of yours, i can’t. they make you into a really ugly person that i am disgusted by. i don’t think i like him. and i feel like i wasted my time. fuck. shit just hurts so bad. my ego is hurt, sure, because i want to feel important and meaningful. but the thing is my soul is really really hurt actually. because it all doesn’t feel real and it’s taking away from my experience of the relationship. i feel like i can’t believe anything he says or does at all. he just facetimed me today too and i’m just thinking about it like questioning his intentions so hard right now. i don’t know. i know he has a hard time, he’s very mentally ill, very low self esteem, but he’s just so inconsiderate of me. and he lies. i just feel like every time he looks at me, talks to me, says shit to me he’s actually talking to his ex but looking at my face. and it’s like how can you lie to my face like that? he was just in new york, hugging me and crying saying i missed you so much priscilla, i love you. and i’m like yeah i know dom you can be really emotional and shit and i know like.. how good i am to you, how good i’ve been, why wouldn’t you miss me? lol. but all of this has always made me question those things like .. you don’t mean any of that do you? this shit eats at our relationship and i just don’t know what the fuck to do anymore because if i can’t talk about this shit if i can’t be open about this then i can’t pretend and talk to you like everything is fine when i’m feeling all of this, when i’ve seen the shit i’ve seen, when i know the way you’re feeling. it fucking hurts that we can’t go on. i’m emotional right now and i might feel different later or in a few days, but its been a recurring theme and problem, and i know its not really something i can move on from without the other party. he chooses not to deal with this at all. its just plain dishonesty to me. its not like loving your secrets and shit, it’s like.. lying to me, and faking it. and, he feels really far away most of the time. i feel like i can’t get to his heart. i don’t know what the fuck is real. and i don’t want to believe him ever again. and i feel stupid for ever believing a fucking word. i want to hope and believe that his experiences and relationships with others doesn’t affect ours, but i don’t. i really believe i don’t mean shit. i think he crossed me out a long time ago. i feel like i just have to suck it up and move on and leave him in the dust. stop caring and thinking about him. because he’s shown me no consideration for a very long time now. i feel like i’ve been delusional. hoping somebody would care for me. and he made it seem like it was him. but it wasn’t. he’s very expressive online, and i’m just nowhere to be found, and i’ve felt like this for a long time now, how absent i am from his life. i wish i saw more clearly in my relationship with him. i... fantasized so much, and tried so hard to mold the relationship into something it just wasn’t. and i just feel so fucking stupid. so fucking stupid. i feel like i’m falling apart a bit right now. i feel like i was made to believe i am important. that i’m such a big figure in his life and i shouldn’t doubt that. and i feel like not only him, but i built myself up to be that in his life and i believed it because i felt i deserved that place in his life. but i’m nowhere. and no one, it feels like.
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Does it make me a bad person for loving someone else even though I am happy with my life? It makes me feel bad because I want to keep both of them in my life. I care about the both of them. One gave me a family, love, and the other one makes me feel safe and whole. I know I am not in love with him because when I try to think of reasons why, I can’t come up with anything other than, he never fought for me, he lied to me, he played with my emotions. Whereas the one who gave me a family always fought for me. He loved me wholeheartedly, and never failed to show me every day. He cared about me and saw me at my lowest point. That should give me enough reason to leave and carry on with my life, but I would be lying to myself if I did. One of the things that I am not doing anymore is lying. I am embracing everything whether or not it is the right thing to do. I have been tearing myself apart over the years, I allowed myself to think that gaslighting, sex manipulation, and verbal abuse was fine and normal. I went a couple of years trying so hard to keep things happy even if it tore me apart. I never expected to finally be pushed to the end, and that was when he realized that I was really going to leave this time. I was done. What kills me is that I didn’t even feel anything when I watched him hurt. That’s how I knew that I didn’t have anything left in me to give. He took every little piece of me and crushed it up every time. I am trying to heal; I can’t forget about it though. I can’t forget all the times he made me feel worthless. I guess I can give him a chance though, to keep his promise that he will change.
Nobody is perfect and I don’t expect anyone to be. I am not perfect. I have always accepted their flaws; I have always loved them wholeheartedly. I never wanted to change them.
Everyone tells me that I need to forget about the other guy. That he just keeps me around to satisfy his happiness, to make him feel better about himself. That if I keep allowing it to happen, he will always come back when he is bored with his life. They tell me that I keep hurting myself by going back to him. But like Zach Bryan says, “Break me down and beat me blue there aint a kindness on the planet that compares to you, In the dark of the night or light of day, I’ll long for you tomorrow as I did today...” “I’d rather be ruined by you, than be loved at all”. It’s so easy to say that I would fall madly in love with him, if only he would let it happen this time. I wanted to take the leap of faith and move to Nashville with him, but the Lord knew it wasn’t the right time. He wasn’t ready for love, and I wasn’t ready to fall. There are so many girls out there that can talk so bad about him, and I don’t blame them because he has done a lot of shitty things to me too. The only difference is that I can see the good in him, pass all the nerdy shit and selfishness. I can see that he is just a broken person who has never been loved properly. I fell in love with all the good parts of him, not necessarily his words because he is really good using his words to get you to believe him, but I see that when he cares for someone or something, he does it with his whole heart. He will give everything to help someone even if it means it leaves him with nothing. He will hide his pain, his hurt if it means he can make someone else happy. When you need someone, he is always there to run to. He makes you feel safe. But like everybody else he has his flaws and he’s made his mistakes. I wish I would have gotten to know him better. I wish that I could say I was in love with him. I think it worked out like this for a reason and I am okay with that. I am not in love with him anymore, we aren’t living back in high school. but being with him, reminded me of the good person I know he is. It felt like we never stopped being friends. that is what keeps me coming back, I want to see him happy and in a better place even if he doesn’t want me in it. I thought it would be awkward and uncomfortable, especially after 7 years, and when it didn’t feel like that it scared me. I knew I couldn’t lie to myself again, I cared about him, I wanted to make sure he knew how I felt, even if he didn’t feel the same way. I needed to make sure he knew that I loved him. Life is too short, and I would beat myself up if I never got the chance. It makes me feel like a bad person because my husband knows everything, and even after I told him everything, he still loves me and forgives me. He allows me to hold onto whatever I can for the other guy. I think the Lord brought him back to me for a purpose, and whatever that purpose was I will embrace it for however long it lasts. I know that when the timing ever gets right, he gets his life together, I will take that leap of faith that I walked away from almost 8 years ago.
and even after that, he still loves me, forgives me, and listens to me now.
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Next door part 3
Biker!Bucky x reader
Summary- Bucky Barnes is a biker with a bad reputation, he’s intrigued by his neighbour and hates her boyfriend.
Warnings- domestic violence, non-con, gaslighting, victim blaming, emotional abuse, coercion, mentions of child abuse, allusions to eating disorders and self-esteem issues.
⛔️PLEASE READ THE WARNINGS BEFORE READING AND LET ME KNOW IF IVE MISSED ANYTHING⛔️
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You were awoken by the sound of a mug being placed on the bedside table.
You reluctantly opened your eyes when you felt the bed sink down beside you.
“Morning sleepyhead.” Jacks said softly once your eyes met his.
“Morning.” You mumbled.
“I made you some tea.” He gestured to the steaming mug beside you.
“Thank you.” Your voice was quiet.
“Look…about last night…” he let out a deep breath as he spoke.
“It’s fine.” You interrupted him “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“We need to talk about it though babe.” He pressed “what I did…I…I can’t believe that was me…”
You stared at him blankly as he spoke.
“I love you Y/N, I love you so much.” His eyes began to fill with tears as he spoke “I understand if you want to leave me…I understand if you hate me.”
You felt tears form in your own eyes when you saw the heartbreak in his eyes, he truly felt bad for what had happened. He truly hated himself.
“I don’t hate you Jack.” You let out a deep breath as you spoke “but if you ever raise a hand to me again I’m done.”
He nodded enthusiastically, reaching out to take your hand in his.
“I mean it…you so much as raise your voice to me again and I’m leaving.” You surprised yourself with how assertive you sounded.
“I understand.” His voice was filled with sincerity.
You didn’t speak for a moment, relieved that your relationship was saved.
“I want to talk to you about Bucky.” Jack broke the silence “I don’t want you going near him ever again.”
“He’s our neighbour Jack.” You said gently.
“He’s a criminal.” Jack interrupted you “he’s the leader of a biker gang.”
“What?” You were shocked.
“The guys at the station were telling me about him. He’s a bad person babe.” Jack explained “he beat a guy almost to death a few years back.”
“Are you sure?” You questioned.
“Of course I’m sure.” Jack nodded “that’s why I got so angry when you were around him, I was worried for you…you understand that don’t you?”
“Yeah…yeah I understand.” Your voice was quiet.
————————
“Get me more information on him.” Bucky demanded.
“Pal, I think you need to let this one go.” Steve sighed “you offered to help and she refused, maybe you just misunderstood the situation.”
“So you’re saying he doesn’t hurt her?” Bucky scoffed.
“I’m saying if it was that bad she’d accept any help that was offered.” Steve said calmly.
“That’s not how it works and you know it.” Bucky’s voice raised slightly.
“All you saw was his grabbing her arm. I think you’re getting a little too invested…because of…because of your.”
“If you say a single fucking word about my childhood I swear you’ll regret it.” Bucky interrupted.
“Buck, I’m on your side here.” Steve said calmly “I just don’t want you to get in too deep with something that’s going to upset you.”
“I can handle myself.” Bucky responded, slightly less irritably.
A knock at the door sounded through the room, Sam walking through the door looking slightly frazzled.
“What’s up?” Steve took in the look of distress on his friends face.
“The police…they’re organising a raid of the warehouse.” Sam explained.
“What?” Steve was shocked “we have an agreement with them, they’re supposed to leave us alone.”
“There’s a new chief, apparently he’s not going to honour our agreement.” Sam said.
“Who is it?” Bucky knew what the answer would be before Sam spoke.
His mind went numb when Sam said your boyfriends name.
“Clean out everything we have there, move it to the other location.” Bucky ordered.
Steve and Sam quickly left the room to go start on the job. Once they’d left Bucky let out a deep breath, running his hands down his face.
After taking a moment to collect his thoughts he reached for his phone, dialling the only person who could help in this situation.
“Ma?” He felt instant relief when she answered.
“Hi Jamie.” She said cheerfully “is everything okay baby?”
“Can I come over tonight?” He asked “I need your advice on something.”
“Of course you can.” She instantly agreed “it’ll be great to see you.”
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You’d spent the day lounging on the sofa, yet to change out of your pyjamas. You were replaying what had happened with Jack over and over. Trying to figure out what had caused him to snap.
He’d been nothing but perfect throughout your relationship, helping you escape a life of crime and drugs; allowing you to live with him. He paid all the bills, he gave you an allowance to get your hair and nails done whenever you wanted, he loved you; he took care of you. He’d just made a mistake, you could forgive him for that.
You let out a sigh before forcing yourself to your feet, pouring a glass of water and taking two pain killers to dull the ache in your head before beginning to prepare dinner for you and Jack.
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“Hey Ma.” Bucky shouted as he entered his mother’s house.
“There’s my boy.” She greeted happily, planting a kiss on her sons cheek “how’s things?”
“Things are okay.” Bucky answered “where’s Becca?”
“She’s out with her boyfriend.” Winnie said.
“What!?” Bucky immediately paled “what do you mean boyfriend? Who is this guy?”
“She’s 17 James.” Winnie laughed “she’s allowed to have a boyfriend.”
“What’s his name?” Bucky asked “where does he live?”
“Calm down.” Winnie said softly “she’s safe, he’s a nice boy.”
“I want to meet him.” Bucky demanded.
“And you will, when Becca’s ready to introduce you.” Her voice was gentle “you need to let her make her own choices.”
“Whatever.” Bucky grumbled.
“Now go sit down.” Winnie ordered “I’ve made you dinner.”
Bucky obediently sat down as his mother served him his meal, grabbing a bowl for herself and sitting opposite him.
“What did you want to talk about then Jamie?” Winnie asked as she picked up her fork.
“Dad.” Bucky for straight to the point, immediately noticing how his mother’s grip tightened around her fork.
“What do you want to know?” Winnies voice wavered slightly.
“I know…a girl.” Bucky said cautiously “I think her boyfriends hurting her.”
“Have you asked her about it?” Winnie asked.
“She denied it.” Bucky explained.
“Maybe she doesn’t want to leave him.” Winnie mused.
“Why would she want to be with him?” Bucky looked confused “why would anyone want to be with someone like that?”
“It takes a lot of strength to leave Jamie.” Winnie’s voice was soft “I know you don’t remember much because you were so young…but your dad was a good man sometimes. He didn’t always hurt me, he made me feel so special. He’d gaslight me into thinking I loved him despite what he was doing…I just kept waiting for him to turn back into the man he once was.”
“So what made you finally leave?” Bucky attempted to hide the tears in his eyes.
“When he hurt you and Becca.” Winnie spoke through tears of her own “you two are the most important people in my life, I couldn’t watch you go through what he’d put me through.”
“I love you Ma.” Tears we’re freely falling down Bucky’s face at this point “I’m sorry you had to go through all that alone.”
“I was never alone, I had you and Bec.” Winnie smiled through her tears “but it sounds like this girl is alone, and that makes it a lot harder to leave. So be patient with her, let her know you’re there to offer help when she’s ready to take it.”
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“Dinner smells amazing babe.” Jack wrapped his arms around your waist and kissed you as soon as he entered the house.
“Let me just dish up love.” You said softly, not wanting the food to burn.
“Great, now I can’t even hug my fucking girlfriend.” Jack grumbled.
“I just don’t want it to get burnt.” You defended yourself.
Jack scoffed before making his way to the table, grabbing a beer on the way.
“You’re eating all that?” Jack questioned when he eyed your plate.
“I’m hungry.” You shrugged.
“I’ll never want to marry you if you look like a fucking whale babe.” Jack chuckled.
Suddenly you didn’t feel hungry, thinking instead about how your stomach wasn’t perfectly flat, how there wasn’t a gap between your thighs.
“You’re right.” You forced a smile, spooning half of your plate onto Jacks.
As you looked down at the remainder of your meal, a churning feeling in your stomach prevented you from taking more than a few bites, before scraping the rest of the food into the bin.
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The sun warmed your back as you leant down to plant some hydrangeas in the once empty flower bed. Jack being at work provided you with a much needed sense of calm, you’d been on edge around him since the night of Bucky’s party; constantly waiting for him to snap again.
“Hey Y/N.” Bucky’s voice sounded from above you where he was leaning on the fence “the flowers look good.”
“Thank you.” You said politely.
“How are you doing?” He asked.
“I’m okay.” You answered.
“Good…look I’m sorry if I upset you when I came over, I shouldn’t have done that.” He sounded nervous.
“No, you shouldn’t have.” You continued to stare at the flowers, refusing to make eye contact.
“Was he angry?” Bucky asked.
“I don’t want to talk about my relationship.” You said bluntly.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry for asking.” He said gently.
“It’s okay.” You sighed.
He remained silent for a few moments, allowing you to contemplate your next words.
“He doesn’t want me to talk to you.” You blurted out, immediately regretting it.
“Why’s that?” Bucky asked, he didn’t sound angry, more curious.
“Y-you’re in a biker gang...you’re a criminal.” You stuttered.
Bucky chuckled “Just because I like bikes doesn’t mean I’m in a criminal gang sweetheart.”
You wanted to ask him more questions, but decided against it. You didn’t want to make him angry, or offend him.
“It’s not my business.” You shrugged.
“I suppose not.” Bucky responded.
Another silence fell between you, once again you were the one to break it.
“He’s not a bad person you know.” You defended your boyfriend “I know you think he is…but he’s not.”
“You deserve better.” Bucky said softly.
You felt tears begin to form, the bruises that were still healing began to ache. Your breathing began to speed up, your heart rate increasing.
“I can’t talk about this.” You rushed out, rising to your feet and abandoning your gardening.
“I’m here doll, whenever you’re ready.” Bucky’s gentle tone caused you to let out a sob “whatever you need.”
You didn’t respond, instead opting to run into the house where you waited patiently for Jack to return home; just like a good girlfriend should.
——————————
Jack was drunk again, more drunk than usual. He’d stumbled home in a foul mood, immediately forcing his tongue down your throat.
“I’m just tired Jack.” You said softly “why don’t we go to bed?”
“You don’t want to have sex with me.” Jack whined “you don’t even love me.”
“Of course I love you.” You brushed your thumb against his cheek “just because I’m not in the mood doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
“You can be so selfish Y/N.” He slurred “everything I do for you and you can’t even show me a bit of love.”
“Jack…you’re pressuring me…you’re making me feel uncomfortable.” You attempted to keep your voice strong.
“Again with the fucking victim complex!” Jack shouted “I’m sick of you accusing me of shit that isn’t my fault. You’re a shitty girlfriend Y/N, you know that don’t you?”
You didn’t respond, staring at your feet instead.
“I asked a fucking question!!” Jacks voice got impossibly louder as his fist collided with the wall beside your head.
“I know…I know I am.” Your voice was small, desperate not to escalate the situation.
“I forgive you babe, it’s okay.” His demeanour suddenly changed, his hands brushing up and down your sides “now come to bed and make it up to me.”
You obediently followed him, not having the energy for a fight.
As you laid in bed with his nails digging into your hips as he thrust in and out of you, you made a decision. This wasn’t right, you had to get out. You were going to get out.
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Note- I haven’t been able to do a tag list for this chapter as I’m posting it off my phone, sorry! Feedback is always appreciated. This story is like therapy for me and is really helping me work through my trauma❤️
#biker!bucky#biker!bucky x reader#bucky fanfic#bucky x fem!reader#bucky x reader#protective!bucky#fanfic#bucky x reader fic#bucky x you
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Okay I have some complicated thoughts following Melanie’s arc that all build on top of each other and hinge HEAVILY on unreliable narrator interpretations so bear with me
In my relisten I’m at the beginning of s3, and it always shocks me a bit at how quickly she interprets Martin’s interaction with her as hostile. I’m going to skip over the “it’s understandable, Melanie’s had a hard time in her career” disclaimers since there’s plenty of meta on that already, and instead follow the effects of this tendency: not on others, this time, but on her
(This got absurdly long and covers so many episodes so I’m going to split it into separate pre- and post-bullet surgery posts)
Rewinding a bit, the last time she was at the Institute, she was starting to get along with Jon before he seemed confused about her comment on “the other Sasha.” It takes her a split second to interpret that confusion as him suddenly deciding to gaslight and mock her, gets angry and tells him there is something seriously wrong with him, and leaves before he can ask what she means. Given how tenuous their truce was and the fact she and Jon had mocked each other in the past, it’s an outburst that at least has some personal history behind it.
But only a couple episodes later, we learn that it’s not just Jon she responds to in this way. In TMA 84, she meets our Martin Blackwood! Customer service voice opposite-of-Jon politeness extraordinaire! And as soon as he gets confused about the two Sasha comment, she.......immediately assumes that HE is also trying to gaslight her. She insists that “I’m not doing this again” without giving him a chance to ask or explain, so they miss the opportunity to piece together the deal with the Not!Sasha. Her doing this with someone she just met shows a much broader pattern than her interactions with Jon.
That very episode, Elias offers Melanie a job, and she accepts despite Martin’s protests. Later, she accuses them all of them being an “old boy’s club” because she interpreted Martin’s warnings as sexism rather than trying to protect her. As the audience, we see the unreliable narrator of her perspective at work: we know that Jon and Martin were genuinely confused, and we know that Martin was trying to save her, and that all of these instances were her seeing it as people being out to get her.
Hop forward to the notorious gossip scene in TMA 106. Here, Melanie complains about Martin being hostile to her. My first assumption was that this was all offscreen, but after this parade of misinterpretation and comparing to her and Martin’s actual interactions, I have to wonder:
TMA 84, after Martin tells Melanie about the murder, and right before Elias interrupts:
Martin: Are you sure you’re alright?
Melanie: Yes! I just got… God, I’m kind of at the end, you know?
Martin: The end of what?
Melanie: Everything. Friends, clues, savings. Everything. Options. There’s nowhere left for me to go . I don’t know why, but… I just, I just felt that perhaps coming here might help. And talking things out with Jon. I mean, I mean he’s awful, but at least he listens, you know?
Martin: (soft) Yeah. ...I’m sorry. Um, is there anything that I could, like, maybe...do for you?
They get interrupted immediately after this, so this was the first impression Melanie was given. Then, when Elias offers the job, she...assumes Martin’s “I don’t think that’s a good idea” is from sexism, when he’d just been talking about murders and disappearances that caused that very job opening.
TMA 88
Melanie: Are you alright?
Martin: Yeah… Sorry, just a lot of change recently, y’know. You and John and Sasha and… everything’s gone a bit wrong. It’s the not knowing, you know? I mean, Jon’s still alive. Not sure why, but I’m sure of that. But Sasha, I…
Melanie: Yes, it’s… it’s probably, um…
Martin: Sorry, sorry, I’m... What do you need?
Next interaction! Oh this one HURTS. Martin takes her question literally, and starts telling her why she’s not alright, a reverse of their earlier exchange. But Melanie came by for a question and wasn’t prepared for an honest answer, so Martin quickly reels it in and asks what he can do for her once again.
Skipping forward a bit in that same scene:
Martin: Oh, you weren’t here when we took the place over from Gertrude! It’s been over a year just to get it like this. I mean, I think the database was on Jon’s list, but--
Melanie: So how do you track someone down?
Martin: Oh, oh well, y’know, we’ve a few contacts in various record offices around the place. Aside from that it’s just… just a bit of detective work, really. Tim used to do a great line in impersonating people to utility companies! Heh, the number of times he got them to give him ‘his own’ address--
Melanie: Right, right… Um, this one, the name is 'Jude Perry.’ Doesn’t mean anything to you, does it?
I LOVE THIS EXCHANGE. I TREASURE IT. Having bottled up his emotions, Martin is going in full Friendly Helpful Coworker mode. There are so many little details here signaling that he’s embracing her as part of the team, sharing anecdotes about Tim’s shenanigans and Jon’s old plans, looping her in as One of Them as he helps her get what she needs. This is the kind of approach you go to management trainings to get, to help new hires feel welcome and part of things. But alas, Melanie is in a hurry and wants to cut to the chase, so all this is lost on her.
TMA 98 - I won’t copy it all in here because it’s long, but this is an overwhelmingly positive interaction. She asks if he’s okay, but he bottles it up and says he’s fine. This time, she presses, and he admits it’s because of the statements. Martin ends up asking for help!! and Melanie agrees! She’s on the way to murder Elias, but she still gets credit for “I’ll ask him to cut you some slack.” Then she invites him to drinks!
And then.... TMA 106
Melanie: Anyway, Martin’s always been lovely to you.
Basira: Hmm. I don’t know, I mean, you should have seen him when I turned up last year. I think he thought I was trying to steal his precious Archivist.
Melanie: Ahhh. I got the exact same when Jon was hiding out, and came to me with his “source on the inside” stuff. Martin was not impressed.
WAIT WHAT
We just looked over all their interactions! They were all soft and lovely and welcoming!! But then we hear Melanie with “well unlike how he is to me, Martin is nice to you.” This was taken at face value for years, but when you line up all of the above, I feel there is a strong basis to say this is another case of Melanie’s first impressions + over-defensiveness gone wrong. Just like we saw her initial bickerings with Jon solidify into series-long hostility, her interpreting Martin’s confusion as gaslighting and warnings about the job as sexism seems to have doomed her opinion of him long-term. We hear Martin being kind and concerned and welcoming, then hear Melanie contrast it as bad treatment.
Recently, a mutual considered this even further to how she talked about losing all of her friends with the Ghost Hunt UK circles:
Melanie: Even back then, I could feel all my old friends starting to distance themselves from me. ... I stopped asking the others for help, and I kept my research to myself. I talked to them less and less. By the time I was arrested, I think a lot of them had already given up on me.
I have to wonder...did this sort of dynamic play out here, too? Did she assume that her friends’ concern was judgment or hostility? Were they giving up on her, or did she lash out and push them away? Either way, it’s easy to see parallels to s2 Jon in her description, here, with her withdrawing and diving alone into increasingly risky research without asking for help. And s2 Jon definitely shared Melanie’s tendency to see offers for help and support as hostile. (Aside: I interpret her and Georgie as not very close at this point, like a networking contact rather than a friend; Melanie comes to Jon for someone to talk to about her struggles above her, and Georgie seems to be unaware of all of Melanie’s encounters pre-s3)
And on that downer note I am ending part 1...but PART 2 IS GOING TO BE WAY HAPPIER THAN THIS. Here, we see Melanie with a lot of people who would have supported her if she let them: Martin, Jon, possibly the friends she said abandoned her. But in her effort to protect herself and not let history repeat for how she’d been hurt in the past, she ends up alone and spiraling.
#tma#the magnus archives#tma spoilers#melanie king#tma meta#I had to stop myself from just rambling All Melanie Feelings in Every Direction to stay on track#but hoo boy writing this gave me a lot of feelings for the martin melanie friendship that could have been
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Escaping Expulsion Thoughts (once again very stream of conscious-like while i rewatched the episode so there’s a bunch of stuff here)
i fucking knew odalia was gonna be an oracle, i knew and i hate that for her family. i’m not sure if this necklace thing is specifically a form of oracle magic or not but im assuming it is, and either way the second i saw it happen that made my stomach twist. the fact that she just keeps this direct line to her daughter at all times feels so disturbing
so, i get that the joke with glyph lessons here is that eda and lilith are probably acting the exact same way they did when they were younger, but it does also feel a little odd for me. in my post for episode 1 i talked about how it felt like lilith probably missed the structure of the coven, and maybe even having an authority figure, and it does concern me a bit that it could be projected on to luz here.
also, i saw someone mention that they thought lilith could be regressing a bit, which is interesting seeing as she’s been in the coven since basically being a child and now that she’s out, she could be going backwards because that was probably the last time she had a personality of her own instead of one that was carefully crafted to be socially acceptable for others. and to be fair, the few moments in season 1 when we see glimpses into the true lilith, she is pretty childish.
anyways lilith has such pretty handwriting i love it
gus!! witch puberty!! do not worry buddy eda will get your name eventually. probably.
amity went out and murdered those fairies for luz didn’t she
i need to know why the heck bump has no choice in the matter of the expulsion. typically a pta (or pca in this case) wouldn’t have power that much stronger than the principa?? so i wonder if the blights have something over bump, or if its even just something such as donation money they’d withdraw
odalia blight you gaslighting bitch “I’m appalled you’re not in class right now what are you thinking” YOU MADE HER COME HERE
PLEASE i know gus and willow are sad here but the whole “live off the land” thing and “water you one last time, with my tears” are so fucking funny ok
GO LUZ, YOU TELL OFF ODALIA
i feel like alador doesn’t really care what’s going on and just wants to be back home making his abomination inventions, also he seems to have an affinity for different creatures as well which is an interesting detail
i love that willow stated they would get back in on their own right in front of alador and odalia. these people fucked up her friendship and caused her a lot of trouble that she shouldn’t have had to deal with so i love that she’s unafraid to speak like that in front of them
between the first & second episode, and some of the seasons trailer, it seems like Lilith may have an affinity for ice magic? which is interesting seeing as eda was always a fan of her “spicy toss” aka some fire magic. interesting to see the two of them as fire & ice basically
i LOVE how much bump loves luz, willow, and gus. it’s kinda really sweet, but again it feels so concerning that he had no choice in the matter. makes me think he’s more likely to eventually rebel against the standards that have been in place for so long at some point. (also abominations coven for bump!! interesting!! i appreciate seeing the coven marks included on the adults so far)
what is it with these kids and being dragged off by their hoods in this episode
love that the blights address includes “right arm”, also i took a quick look up of the word “bruegal” which is boulevard they live on, and it’s probably just a coincidence but the first google result was actually for a european think tank that specializes in economics
yknow i actually have wondered about layering glyphs on top of each other and making a super glyph the way eda did, so good to know that would NOT work out
luz you’re really gonna give the blights their own flowers??????
it goes by so fast but please take a moment to take in and appreciate the design of that blight entry room/living room-esque area and it’s combination of abomination and oracle decor. also the blight family portrait.
i could talk about alador and odalia and their relationship dynamic here, when luz is meeting with them, but i think it’s best to save for the end, but i will say i don’t think it’s just odalia controlling everything (though she does control a lot) and alador just suffering and being silent.
the more i stare at odalia’s hair the more i feel like she has an odd receding hairline
love that the abomination kept the cat shape luz gave it and that amity knew immediately from that
WILLOW’S DADS!!! I LOVE THEM! I love how much they want their daughter to have a great education even if they have to be the ones to do it! (even if it could come across as a little intense) Although, the fact that they’re prepared to teach plant magic to her makes me question why they put her in abominations once again. (wish we could’ve gotten a glimpse of their coven marks!)
odalia is definitely the one who handles more of the parenting and alador is more distant. at least that’s what i get based on the twins specifying to amity not to tell their mom specifically
absolutely insane that odalia is just letting the abomiton destroy the whole place to kill a child
“stay away from my luz!” oh my god,ohmy GOD
i like how lilith can’t tell if these are normal noises or distress ones. really sums up life in the owl house. also lilith? kicking doors in?? this combined with “I AM A WITCH, UNHINGED” tells me she’ll be as chaotic as the rest of the owl house in no time and i am here for it.
the music when amity jumps in to protect luz is absolutely killing it here i need a soundtrack now
YES AMITY DESTROY THE NECKLACE (and oh god please don’t let odalia give you something even harder to remove or destroy)
Luz is blushing!! The feelings are starting to be returned!!!
“Luz, Willow, and Gus are my friends!” love it. love the open declaration. love that she’s telling her mother off. love that i have something to check off my bingo board already.
okay, i know a lot of people have already suggested that alador is smiling here because he can tell luz and amity like each other, but i’m pretty sure it’s only because he’s noticing how much amity’s magic has grown and improved
small detail but i love the smoke from the units order sign filling the background while odalia is fuming herself
oh? alador has had the ability to tell odalia off and successfully calm her down this whole time? and chose not to use it till now? yeah he sucks too. he very clearly has a plan for amity as much as odalia does as well, but he’s much better at seeing the long-term goal
“the glyph combo, copyright me, lilith” im screaming, lilith you DORK
ok i really wish eda or lilith asked where luz had been. i’d kill for these sisters to go off about how much they hated the alador and odalia in school, as well as threaten to hurt them for hurting luz.
the statue lilith made and her reaction to the gold star she received re-emphasizes my concern about her need for approval and for an authority figure. (ok but her noise at the gold star WAS very cute tho)
alright lets get down to business on the blight parents. so far i definitely do not view their relationship as being one-sided with odalia in control. honestly, i think they do have a sense of mutual respect for the other. to me it seems like all alador really wants to do is focus on his work and nothing else, and odalia seems not only more than happy to let him do so, but willing to take care of everything else the company needs, and he seems fine with that and going along with whatever because he only has to do his part. and clearly his abomination tech combined with her showmanship/advertising (and honestly probably some oracle magic) has clearly made them successful.
so what im saying is that i think their power in their relationship is actually pretty balanced, if it looks otherwise that’s just because that’s how they best function together, with odalia being more forward and alador being more distant, and therefore they’re very much both to blame for shitty parenting.
also I know some people have joked about the blight family name coming from odalia (which is also a dumb joke like why is it funny if the family name comes from the woman and not the man) but anyways I definitely do think blight is aladors family name and odalia married in simply because he takes the whole blights keep up their end of the deal thing much more seriously than odalia. probably something that’s been taught to him since he was a kid yknow, whereas she was super ready to ignore it when it inconvenienced her.
as for the very final scene with them and the golden guard, i had an interpretation of it that i saw, but it seems that everyone else ive see react to it so far saw something different than me so maybe i’m just plain wrong. but like, i have this feeling that maybe the blight parents, while they do want power, might not be as aligned with the emperor and his coven as we may think?? not saying they’re good people, just that there could be more going on here. but idk, i’ve seen no one else interpret it that way yet so i won’t go off about it unless either someone wants to know more of what i thought or if i ever actually make myself get around to making a separate post about it.
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Hello! This is a bit different from your usual gwynriel/elucien asks, so I hope you don’t mind, but it’s something that’s been bothering me lately and I wonder if anyone else has noticed.
I’m not sure if it’s because if the upsurge in popularity of acotar on tiktok/twitter with a younger audience reading it, or if I’ve just been lucky and not noticed it before, but I’ve seen so many Tamlin stans coming out of the woodwork and it honestly bothers me.
I definitely do agree that Tamlin is a complex character and of course, it’s fine that people are interested in him (I really don’t care about him, but to each their own)! But lately there have been so many people in the fandom arguing that he’s a victim of PTSD who deserves better, often villainizing Feyre/Lucien because of this.
I‘ve seen takes that Feyre was gaslighting Tamlin when she told him she was happy with Rhys because Rhys still had the whole night court persona going on?? And that Lucien and Feyre were a horrible support system because they wouldn’t stand up to him (completely ignoring that when they did Tamlin … ya know … physically hurt both of them)? And that somehow Feyre spying in the Spring Court in ACOWAR was also abusive and manipulative towards Tamlin?
I just genuinely don’t understand where all of this is coming from. I try to be critical of SJM’s writing because I understand that it can be flawed, especially since I have problems with how Feysand was written after ACOWAR, Azriel’s issues with women, the IC’s treatment of Nesta, etc. But I just can’t seem to get behind these interpretations and I’m not sure if I’m just missing something (or ‘biased’ by Feyre’s POV as some claim).
Wooooooo boy, so I didn't know that this was a thing happening but lemme break down how wrong these people are with some of these arguments! This is going to get long.
(I definitely don't mind, I appreciate any ask that's not just about ship wars!)
So I'm going to lay out the claims people are making and talk about them one at a time.
Tamlin has PTSD:
Probably yes. In the beginning of acomaf, Feyre mentions that he has trouble sleeping, just like she does, and I believe he gets up at night, and this is when their relationship really deteriorates. I can't say for sure what he was experiencing, but it seems like he had a lot of anxiety and fears left over from Amarantha and watching Feyre die. The things he was experiencing emotionally are 1000% understandable and valid, even if it wasn't diagnosable PTSD.
But you know who else likely has PTSD? Lucien and Feyre.
Say it with me everyone: emotions do not always justify behaviors.
Feyre is gaslighting Tamlin:
Hell fucking no.
People need to learn what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is not just "lying". Gaslighting is not "disagreeing". Gaslighting is a very specific tactic used to make someone question their memory, their reality, to twist the truth.
Rhys definitely had a persona. That was a calculated decision. But when Feyre tells Tamlin that she is happy, she is not lying at all. Her telling Tamlin that she is happy has nothing to do with whatever lies or manipulations that Rhys did in the past. Why? Because even if Rhys was a super asshole dark dude, Feyre saying she is happy with him is still the truth. Feyre isn't lying, let alone gaslighting Tamlin, that idea is completely laughable.
The only way that people could say that Feyre is gaslighting Tamlin is to say that she is responsible for Rhysand's Dark persona, that she is the one who created it with the intention of making people question what they thought was true. Which she isn't. That isn't even the reason that Rhys created the persona. He created it to obscure the truth in the first place.
And even his persona isn't gaslighting? He isn't trying to make people question their reality. He isn't trying to make people question themselves. He is trying to make himself look scary. And so when he drops that persona, he is telling the truth. He isn't gaslighting people, he is saying "hey I wasn't being honest before but now I am".
And i think that's a big, big difference that people are failing to understand. Gaslighting is about trying to change other people's reality. Rhys's persona was about him. Feyre saying she was happy was about her. Neither of those things were about trying to make people feel like they were crazy.
So there has to be this reality. Let's say Rhys was spotted being menacing. Person A is like "hey, you look scary!" And he's like "noice, my evil plan is working." Then later on Rhys is like "hey you know what, I wasn't being honest before, I'm actually a Super Cool Dude." Person A might be confused for a minute because what they thought was true wasn't true, but they'll get there.
If it were gaslighting, on the other hand, it would go more like: Rhys: *is nice*. Person A: "hey, I thought you were scary though?" Rhys: "nah, that was my good twin, Rhysnaldo. I've never been nice a day in my life. You must be confused." Person A: *questioning everything they thought they just witnessed".
So yeah anyway, people gotta stop using that term if they don't know what it means.
Feyre manipulating Tamlin:
Personally, I agree with the argument that she manipulated Tamlin in the beginning of acowar. I don't think that's even a matter of interpretation, she went to Spring with the intention of burning shit down.
Feyre was not abusive towards Tamlin. She knew his weaknesses and exploited them. I don't care that she did that to him, I think that she deserved a bit of vengeance. However, personally I cannot stand the fact that in doing so she caused a lot of collateral damage and did not gaf. Deal with your abusive ex however you need to, Feyre. Don't knowingly, intentionally bring harm to other people in doing so.
Feyre and Lucien failing as a support system:
NO.
Feyre literally saved Tamlin's life by killing and dying for him. Lucien was also tortured by Amarantha because of Tamlin. Neither of them broke and betrayed him. They were incredibly loyal to him throughout acotar. Even now, when Lucien is being emotionally and physically abused by Tamlin, Lucien is still trying to work with him, make sure he is fed, make sure he doesn't completely lose his humanity fae-ness. Lucien is the only reason that the Spring Court hasn't completely collapsed while Tamlin wallows in his beasty feelings.
Any time that either Feyre or Lucien try to stand up to Tamlin, he gets manipulative and abusive. He emotionally manipulates Feyre into feeling guilty for wanting to be able to defend herself. He emotionally abuses Feyre by making her afraid of his anger and afraid of how he will react to anything that she says or does. He glares or shouts down anything the Lucien says.
Also, Tamlin is a High Lord! They can only do so much when it comes to standing up to him.
For real, Feyre and Lucien did literally everything that they possibly could in order to try to support Tamlin, and much of that was to their own detriment. In trying to support Tamlin, they got emotional and physical abuse in return. So no, fuck that. Being supportive does not mean we have to put up with abuse.
Being biased in Feyre's favor:
We are not biased by Feyre's POV in the sense that she is trying to mislead the reader, but we are limited by her POV because she doesn't know everything. She tells us the truth as she knows it. That is very different from a narrator who is intentionally trying to hide things or lie or mislead.
But even if we were biased by Feyre's POV, so fucking what??? Is it so wrong to take the side of a victim of abuse? Why do we need to try so hard to understand Tamlin's side? People can do that, of course, I have myself, especially later on in the story. In acofas I started to feel sorry for him. I've been mad at how Rhys treated him in acofas. But the idea of being biased in Feyre's favor means that we would have to question her, in some way, when she recounts the story of her abuse. That's disgusting, to me. What reason do we have to think she isn't telling her story truthfully?
We might naturally have more empathy towards Feyre because we heard the story from her POV, but again - why is that a bad thing? To hear a story from the victim of abuse and feel empathy for them??? Call me crazy but that's not a problem. I'm going to empathize with Feyre, and I'm going to believe Mor (and Rhys, and Lucien). The end.
A final word
Just something you said in the last paragraph struck me, in regards to Azriel's view of women and how the IC treats Nesta: those are not thing to criticize in sjm's writing, I think. Just because Tamlin is abusive doesn't mean that sjm shouldn't have written him that way, ya know? If there are inconsistencies in characterization or a lack of understanding of abusive dynamics or alcohol abuse or something like that, those are things we can criticize in her writing. But characters do uncomfy things, that's supposed to happen.
What I'm trying to say is that there is a difference between criticizing a character's actions, and criticizing the way they have been written. Pretty much everything above falls under the realm of "analyzing a character or story", not criticizing the author.
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MD is a trip in SO many ways lmao
HI!! So it's been a while but I was feeling sad about some minecraft boys and it finally kickstarted me enough energy to do this again. For those who haven’t seen this before everything is tagged “dream smp liveblog” if you wanna look back.
I was thinking about rewatching some of the exile vods again to get back into the right headspace but honestly I’m gonna ride this wave while I can and jump right back into it. Maybe when I catch up fully I’ll go back and watch them all in a marathon and see how much I can make myself cry, who knows
Intro out of the way here we go!
VOD: Tommy Speaks to Mexican Dream in Exile
(rp): oh man I forgot how fucked up his skin was…. And hes drowning again
He’s also lashing out at people in chat and then pulling back
“Ranboo: are you alright man” ahhh buddy YOU KNOW HES NOT
….You know. Some of the Dread HAS faded but it STILL sucks when Dream logs in.
“And Tubbo hasnt spoke to me…” :(
But hes still trying!!! Hes gonna make a path!!
Lol what is this melon monstrosity lol the youtube praise Tommy just screamed lmaoo
….Dream YOU can get out of VC 2 fuck off
….just the casual “oh yeah sorry” while he blows up the armor….
“DId anyone come to see you while I was gone” I see you, you obsessive fucker
“Weve become better friends” :/
HI MEXICAN DREAM WHAT AN INTRO THEYRE JUST STARING AT HIM LMAO
Yes BULLY HIM MD BULLY HIM
“WHICH ONES HOTTER” cursed cursed cursed
Lol the tone is so absurd Im having a good time
cc!Dream taking the time to pinpoint the particular restaurant its from lmaoo this man is funny
Lol Mexican Dream just chasing Dream away with Spanish YEAH GET EM MD
Tommys so excited to have someone who might live with him omg
“Borderline my owner” ….
…,,,look I just needed a short hand ok Mexican Dream is too long to type lol
,,,,,I dont know how to process Mamacita asdfsdfsd
SOMEHOW GOT MORE CURSED
Cant believe this is canon lore because it gets. SAD?? What is happening right now
This must have been a great tension breaker for people watching live though. A Nice break. Honestly I have mixed feelings about this being my first stream back lol
…..what are those maps huh? Old Memories huh? Tommy seems actually a bit embarrassed lmao
TUBBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TUBBO!!!!!
Asfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfds these fuckign pictures jesus omg
Somehow this would be more sad if Tommy wasn't blowing out his mic fake crying lmao
…..hey fuck girl Dream though
Is girl Dream canonically Dream or a different character?
“You two are the happiest couple I know” … F for the dream smp where no relationship survives lol Love is Dead
….my heart was racing while Tommy was hiding the rest of the Tubbo pictures…
“Not on my stream you better not!” afdsfdsfsdfsd
Rip Mexican Dream lol Quackity dies to mobs a lot doesn’t he
………..I just got the walls joke F F F
……hi Dream you fucker
HEY BITCH, HEY BITCH BOY!!! YEEEEE TOMMY GET HIM
….. This is why Dream kills MD isn’t it
OUCH DIRECTLY AFTER THAT
MEXICAN DREAM DID JUST JUMP IN FRONT OF TOMMY JEEZ
….. Welp this is turning serious, Tommy is literally trying to distract Dream from chasing MD
The fucking decapitation joke asdfsdfsdf
OH MD WITH THE REAL GEAR!!!
….well that was short lived. As was Mexican Dream, Rest in Pieces I guess
“That was my last friend on the server. And that was his last death” “.......”
“WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TODAY ~ :D”
“I never thought I’d see the day where Mexican Dream is canonically dead”
….. The serious tone is back for sure ….. Its staring into lava and gaslighting time
Literally just killed his friend and Dream already getting Tommy to say they’re friends…
“He died of a drug overdose” “I watched you kill him” “Noo he died of natural causes” >:(
cc!Tommy really canonizing this just to twist the knife
...hes just standing in the fire :(
………begging him for company.. “I don’t think I have very long left” …….
At least Drista will be fun?
“Its fine, its really his rules now” “After tomorrow, then I think its over”.... This is the pillar isn’t it. The pillar is happening soon
“Tommy can you stop going insane please?” - FUNDY PLS LMAO
Strange interlude with Lazar… obviously Tommy is lashing out but I also feel like there is a bit of back-handedness to his interactions as well. Maybe the only one ACTUALLY only reaching out because of pity..?
Well that was a strange and oddly sad interlude. The middle was just the wildest of rides, but the end still managed to ground it back, mostly. 13 did NOT HURT in that regard honestly lol. I feel like I’ve definitely lost some momentum by splitting things up like this -- my recommendation to anyone watching is Definitely to shotgun it if you can do so safely. Its such a well written arc, even and up to including silly streams like this, and its a shame not to have watched it all at once.
STILL! Looking forward to seeing Drista, that little chaos godling has grown on me quite a bit, not least of all BECAUSE she’s a chas godling with creative mode lol. I’ve also heard thats the other “break” exile stream, so probably a bit more lighthearted (not least of all bc idk how much Drista the person actually knows and or cares about her brother’s block game role play canon lmao)
#dream smp liveblog#dsmp season 2#dsmp exile arc#tommyinnit#mexican dream#dsmp mamacita#dream smp#abuse tw#gaslighting tw
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Double Heart | Chapter Five ~ Cosima
|previous part|
Pariring: Haldir x OFC
Rating: PG
Word count: 3418
Warnings: Tw gaslighting
**Read on Ao3 under the user “bonjour_rainycity” if you prefer!**
A/n Thanks for the love on the last chapter! Happy Monday :)
My cloak is dry in the morning, thank goodness. I cozy up in it the first chance I have, grateful for the thick material that I complained about only a few days prior. I help Rumil tack his horse and then mount. He lets me steer the beast again, insisting that I need more practice. Before we set out from camp, Haldir circles his horse around to face the five of us.
“We have gone north far enough. Now, we head west. Stay sharp as we near the mountains. If you see or hear something that causes concern or even seems remotely unsettling, say something.” Murmurs of solemn agreement run through the group.
Briefly, Haldir’s eyes lock with mine. I raise an eyebrow, silently reminding him of my question from last night. He nods once, almost imperceptibly, then turns his horse. I urge my own to follow, and vaguely realize I don’t even know its name.
“Hey, Rumil?” I turn over my shoulder to glance at him, then face back to the road. I really shouldn’t look anywhere other than the path.
“Yes?”
“I never asked—what’s the horse’s name?”
Rumil snorts, patting his horse affectionately on the side. “You never asked his name because you don’t like him.”
I sputter at the accusation. “Wha—no! I don’t mind the horse—it’s fine!”
“But you don’t like the horse,” he teases, grinning broadly.
I huff, gathering as much dignity as I can. “I just don’t enjoy the height of the horse, nor the fact that he throws me around. I don’t mind the horse itself.”
My companions chuckle indulgently and Baranor gives me a playfully exasperated sigh. “Well, if he won’t tell you, I will. The horse’s name is Roch.”
“Roch,” I repeat, turning the unfamiliar name awkwardly around my tongue. “That’s not a name I recognize. Does it mean anything or was it just something you liked?”
My question is met with snickers.
I furrow my eyebrows, looking around at my friends. “What?” Then, I see the pointed looks Orophin gives the horse, and realization begins to dawn. I twist in my seat to glare unbelievingly at Rumil. “Tell me you did not name your horse, ‘Horse!’”
Pink tints Rumil’s cheeks. “I was practically an elfling when I named him!”
Orophin howls with laughter. “Do not make excuses, brother, you were fully of age!”
“Barely,” Rumil defends, voice squeaking with indignation.
This, of course, makes us all laugh even harder.
“Well then, giddyup Horse the horse.” I take a hand from the reins to pat Horse’s shoulder, then right myself once more. I spare a quick glance to Alex, who hasn’t said a word all morning, and find him glaring over Baranor’s shoulder.
He still doesn’t trust them.
You shouldn’t, either, a voice reminds me.
Pushing that thought aside, I squeeze Roch once more, encouraging him to keep pace with the group.
{***}
Exhausted from days of travel and the weather yesterday, the horses can’t manage much more than a trot for long. I can tell this frustrates my companions, but they give the horses the rest they need—Haldir eventually calling for us to slow to a walk. I take the opportunity to slide off Roch’s back and walk by myself, giving my muscles a bit of a break. Alex soon follows suit, limping slightly.
I hurry to catch up to him. “How’s your leg?”
“Healing, I think. Baranor says not to let it get dirty again and I should be fine. It’s not my leg that’s bothering me—it’s my ass! Horseback riding is no joke.”
I giggle, reaching my arms overhead as I walk. “Right! My first day here I was practically hobbled over. It does get better, though. Just keep walking and stretching when you have the chance.”
He tilts his head, giving me a sidelong look. “So, how long have you been here?”
I shrug. “Same as you, I think, based on when you say you woke up. I…” I sigh, not sure how long he’ll let me talk about our situation before he shuts me down. “I’m sorry you had to wander by yourself for a few days. It must have been scary. I know how lucky I was to have help right away.”
“It was scary.” He moves to slide his hands into his pockets, then realizes his leggings don’t have any. He huffs, crossing his arms over his chest instead. “But what I can’t figure out is why they separated us?”
I furrow my eyebrows. “Huh?”
“Well, obviously we had to be taken together. Given what we can remember, we’re really close friends. It makes no sense for our kidnappers to take us both randomly—it must have been an effort to get us together. Maybe we were traveling? Or maybe a mutual friend of ours is wealthy, and the kidnappers are trying to pull a double ransom? But regardless of why they took us, why didn’t they keep us together? Did I fall out of the car or something? Or did the police catch on and they were forced to dump us in different places to slow the cops down?”
I look at him from the corner of my eye. He’s not going to like what I’m about to say. But the differences between us and the others, the wide and unfamiliar world we find ourselves in, the new constellations…it’s getting too much to ignore. “Alex…my gut says we weren’t kidnapped.”
He whirls to face me, a slightly wild look in his eye. “What, then? Do you think we came here and got hit over the head willingly?”
“No,” I shake my head. “I—I just think that maybe…well, if we’re both here, then we can pretty much rule out a head injury or drugs or something causing our imaginations to run wild in the same way at the same time…And there’s no evidence we were kidnapped—I mean, look at who we’re traveling with. If they wanted, they could easily tie us up and throw us over the horses, but instead they’re teaching us and sharing their supplies with us. They stopped to help. And, I mean, with all that exists in space…there’s a whole universe out there…is it crazy to believe that maybe something like this is possible? That we’re in a different world?”
He’s shaking his head vehemently before I’ve even finished speaking. “Cosima, please tell me you’re smarter than that. There’s no such thing as other worlds! Where’s the evidence that this place isn’t on Earth? Huh? Logically, it has to be a kidnapping or a drugging, or maybe even some conspiracy to run experiments on us.”
“Evidence!” I bark a humorless laugh, not at all appreciating his condescending tone. “Okay, how about the armor and the landscape and the fact that our companions have pointed ears and way better senses then we do. How about the constellations that I’ve never seen before in my life? There are no cell towers, no skyscrapers — I haven’t seen train tracks or cars. Even if we were just in an isolated area of Earth, I feel like we would have heard a plane by now! Alex, there is nothing consistent with the world we know.”
He quickens his pace, fists clenching in frustration. “But we don’t have our full memories—maybe the world we remember isn’t all of it. Maybe this stuff is perfectly normal!”
“And maybe it isn’t,” I shoot back, crossing my arms over my chest. “Come on, why are you quick to dismiss taking the people who saved our lives at face value?”
“You are too trusting, Cosima! You always have been—too trusting and too naive and it’s going to get you into trouble. It already has!” His voice has risen well above polite volume and, though they could probably hear us all along due to their enhanced senses, I see four heads tilt in our direction.
Alex notices, too. He steps forward, gripping my arm and pulling me to a stop. I suck in a breath. He realizes the force behind his grip and pulls his hand away, giving me an apologetic look. “Sorry. But you have to understand—now is not the time to be friendly and accepting. I may not remember much, but I do know that I’ve always looked out for you. You know that, don’t you? So why would now be any different?”
I eye him warily, contemplating his words.
And he’s right.
In every memory I have of him, he’s nothing but kind to me, looking out for me however he can. At one point, we were inseparable. I must have trusted him then.
So perhaps I should trust him now.
He sees the shift in my resolve and knows he’s hit his mark. He draws in close once again but makes no move to touch me. “Cosi…” My eyes snap to his with the nickname and the unexpected surge of warmth that comes with it. He smiles softly. “I’m willing to bet that back home, we have people missing us. It’s our duty to do everything we can to get back to them. Don’t let yourself be deceived or distracted.”
The sound of hooves touching the ground gets nearer and I look up in time to feel the puff of warm air as Haldir’s horse exhales on top of my head. Haldir sits high, chest plate glinting in the sun and casting a bit of a glare on his face. I have to squint to see him properly. “Is everything alright?”
Both he and Alex look to me, waiting for my answer. I shift under their gazes.“Yeah.”
Haldir nods once. “Good. Keep walking or get back on a horse. We cannot lose any more time than we already have.” He turns and rides away, resuming his spot leading the group. Alex gives me a fortifying nod then signals to Baranor, pulling himself atop the mighty steed. Rumil speeds up Roch to catch up to me—he had fallen behind, watching our backs as the group became more spread out due to mine and Alex’s argument. How can I not trust him?
Rumil extends a hand down to me. “Coming up?”
But Alex is right. Somewhere, I must have a family, friends too, and I need to do all that I can to get back to them. Real or not, I cannot get sucked into this world that has both frightened and enchanted me for too long.
So, I shake my head, keeping my eyes low to the ground so no one will see how much this decision costs me. Because despite knowing that it’s the choice I have to make, it hurts me to shun my new friends. “No. I want to keep walking.”
And, for the remainder of the day, I stay on my feet, traveling alone.
{***}
I’m grateful when Haldir asks me to clean the horses’ tack. It’s a little more complicated than I anticipated, so I must concentrate, and I’m thankful for anything that can occupy my mind.
I have not felt normal since my conversation with Alex.
Every look or kind word from one of these new friends sends a wave of guilt through me, and, by nightfall, I have a stomachache. I cannot look Rumil in the eye, nor Baranor, and Haldir and Orophin mostly ignore me anyway, so maybe I’ve already ruined my relationships with them. Then, I have to wonder, is that good or bad? If they are as troubling as Alex says, then it’s good that they don’t like me. It makes my job of staying away from them easier. But if they’re as everything in me screams they are—strange, impossible, but good, then I’m a terrible person for pushing them away.
I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know whose word to take at face value. I cannot even rely on myself, as my memories are so incomplete. And, as Alex said, I do have a habit of trusting people right away. My perception of these men might be skewed just because they’ve shown me common decency. But then that begs the question…could my perception of Alex also be skewed?
I try to force the thought from my mind, concentrating even harder on eliminating every speck of dust from the leather and metal of the tack. Eventually, Orophin comes to get me, saying that it’s getting late and well past time to rest and eat dinner. I reluctantly put away my task.
He leads me nearer to the small fire and the camp that’s gathered around it. To my surprise, we have meat tonight—someone caught a hare and cooked it over the fire. Orophin crosses his legs on the ground, sitting between his two brothers, which means that only Baranor is on watch tonight.
I hover uncertainly at the edge of the group. Is it even right to sit with them, knowing that I’m questioning their character? This reminder of Alex makes me realize that he’s not here. I’m about to ask where he is—surely Haldir wouldn’t put him on watch—when I hear his voice.
“Cosima?”
I tilt my head towards the sound, seeing that he’s set up under a tree. I guess I’ll go join him, then. I turn back to the men lounging by the fire, all of whom look up at me expectantly. I swallow, shifting on my feet. “Um, I’m actually going to stay over there with Alex tonight. See you in the morning.” I give a half-wave and turn, but Rumil’s call brings me back.
“Here, at least take a bedroll.”
I shake my head, my stomachache intensifying. I can’t take any more of their kindness. “It’s fine, thank you though.”
He stands, extending the mat towards me. “No, really, it’s no trouble. We all are—”
“I said I didn’t want it, Rumil.”
He freezes at the harshness in my tone, the venom in my words, and I feel absolutely awful. He looks so shocked, like he has no idea where the sudden anger came from…he didn’t deserve it. He quickly morphs his expression into one of indifference and shrugs. The action is stilted and unnatural looking. “Suit yourself. Come back if you change your mind.”
I feel each of their eyes boring into my back as I turn away from them to walk towards Alex. Ohhh, I was so mean. They must hate me now. Rumil didn’t deserve that.
Alex greets me with a smile, so at odds with the turmoil raging within me. I sit, leaning my back against the tree. The main camp is well within my eyesight, and Orophin and Haldir stare at me. Rumil avoids my gaze, intently reorganizing his pack. Haldir catches my eye and raises a stern eyebrow, looking pointedly to his youngest brother and then back at me.
I feel a little nauseous.
I turn my gaze away, as well as my back, lying down and curling up facing the tree. “Goodnight.”
I hear the surprise in Alex’s voice. “You don’t want dinner? There’s meat tonight.”
“No.” Again, sharpness creeps into my tone. Regret twists in my stomach. I don’t feel okay. I don’t feel right at all. The tears come, and I curl further into myself, trying my best to hide the noise and the shaking. I don’t want them to know because they’re kind and they’ll try to make me feel better.
I don’t deserve to be comforted.
And, given how I feel, how the grief and indecision and anxiety tear me apart, I’m not sure they could even help.
{***}
Everyone pretty much gives me a wide berth in the morning. Even Alex, who doesn’t stray far from my side, doesn’t try to talk to me. I do my chores in silence, not feeling very social. The horses had grazed a bit during the night, though not far from Baranor’s watchful eye, and I climb over the hill to join them in the valley. Roch, used to me by now, trots up to meet me, nuzzling at my hands in the hope that I’ve brought him food. This makes me feel even worse, as I hadn’t thought to bring him a snack.
“Sorry, Horse.” I reach up to pet his nose, then let my fingers tangle in his mane, examining the braids Rumil put there.
“It’s not safe to be out here on your own.”
Though the voice is quiet, I start, not having heard Haldir come up on my left.
I take a few breaths to calm my racing heart. “The others do this all the time.”
Haldir exhales contemplatively, taking Roch’s muzzle in his hands and brushing his thumb over the soft hairs there. “The others are extensively skilled in battle and are aware of their surroundings. You are a human with no weapons who just let me sneak up on her.”
I click my tongue, playing for time. He’s got me there. “When you say ‘extensively skilled’…how extensive are you talking?”
He smiles almost indulgently. “Thousands of years.”
I gulp and renew my efforts brushing through Roch’s mane. I cannot wrap my mind around such a long time, nor reconcile it with Haldir’s smooth face. “So…that would make you…?”
“Three thousand, six hundred and thirty five years old.”
I exhale, leaning forward into Roch’s mane.
“Are you alright?”
I twist my head to see a small amount of humor dance in his eyes, and I let my exasperation be known. “That’s impossible. There’s no way someone can be over three thousand years old.”
He shrugs, calling for his own horse, Faervel, to join us. “Impossible for a human, maybe, but elves are made to live eternal lives. You and your friend are still new to this world, but you will soon catch on to its workings. Keep your eyes open—there is much to learn.”
At the mention of Alex, I purse my lips, turning my focus back to Roch. I work the bit into his mouth and try to persuade him to lower his head so I can throw the bridle over. He doesn’t budge, leaving me to contemplate the merits of jumping to accomplish my task. After a moment, a pale hand and a worn blue tunic come into my view. I step to the side, allowing Haldir and his height to finish tacking the horse. When he’s done, he turns to me, still holding the reins in his hand.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Uh oh. I try to match his unaffected air. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
He raises an eyebrow. There’s no judgement in his eyes, but he stares into mine like he’s systematically assessing every though I’ve ever had, every decision I’ve ever made, and determining the clarity with which I will make decisions in the future. I fight the urge to look away, feeling my cheeks go hot.
“You snapped at Rumil and cried most of the night.”
“Ugh,” I close my eyes, turning my head from his scrutiny. I take a beat, trying to push away the onslaught of embarrassment. “I didn’t know you guys heard that.”
“The exchange with Rumil happened in front of everybody.”
“The crying, I mean,” I interject, holding up a hand to stop him from continuing. I hate this. I hate the way his eyes burn into mine, trying to lure me into a vulnerable conversation. I feel myself tensing up. I try to force my shoulders to fall from their spot bunched up by my neck. “It’s nothing.”
He stares me down for a moment, not even bothering to disguise the fact that he doesn’t believe me. But finally, he nods, evidently letting it go. He hands me Roch’s reins. “I expect we will reach the mountains either this evening or tomorrow morning. The closer we get, the more dangerous our journey becomes. I understand you are sensitive, but you must clear your mind and focus on the journey. You can deal with your feelings once we reach Imladris.” With that, he takes the reins of Faervel and jerks his head, beckoning me to follow him.
I huff, starting after him, completely incensed. What did he just say? “I am not sensitive!”
He throws a wry smile over his shoulder. “Forgive me, you obviously took my comment quite well.”
Grumbling, I pull Roch with me and stomp after Haldir. Maybe I won’t miss his friendship.
A/n Thanks for reading! Likes, comments, and reblogs are the best :) Let me know if you would like a tag! And if you’re having trouble being tagged, try subscribing on Ao3! That will notify you automatically when I post there.
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Why do I not have the option to copy and paste formatting? Why is that an option I am not given? Who thought that I wouldn’t need that when I’m on my phone? Screw that guy, who I am arbitrarily calling Adam. If anyone knows how to do that, please tell me.
Chapter 6 Pt 2
“There is no fucking way you got a date with her.” Raphael does not even look it up. “No way in hell.”
“And yet the flow chart worked.” He laughs from his lab, shutting off any excess equipment as to not overwork it. “It worked like a charm and she asked me to go to her place so ha.”
”You didn’t show her the chart, did you?”
“I did not.”
“Well, there you go.” Leo looks back at him from his seat on the couch. “What time?”
“Seven o’clock.” He slides the door closed. “But I’m planning on being there at six fifty-five so that she knows I value her time.”
“Does the sun set that early?”
“Why do you even ask?” Raph turns a page in his once periodical periodical. “You know he looked it up.”
“As a matter of fact, I did. Forgive me for also valuing preparedness.”
“Nobody likes a know it all.”
He grins smugly. “That’s where you’re wrong. See, I,” he gestured to himself, “have a date with a gorgeous girl tonight, one where she has already invited me into her home, and you,” he gestured to Raphael, “are reading a magazine from a company that went out of business two years ago alone.”
“Donnie, don’t be a jerk.” Leonardo looked back at the television. “Raphael brings up a valid point; you tend to act like you know everything, and the actual request wasn’t for a date.”
“How else can I interpret one on one time with her?”
“Well,” he counters, “how do you interpret one on one time with us?”
He blinks. “Wait, so you’re saying she’s… how do you put it?”
“Nah, I don’t think she’s friendzonin ‘im.” Mickey looks up from his drawing. “Think she’s sending signals she doesn’t mean to.” He sets his half-shaded piece aside. “Think about it; she said she’s been all stressed out, right? She died like two weeks ago.” He shrugs. “She’s probably just lonely and needs the company.”
“That’s… actually really insightful of you.”
He grins. “What can I say? I’m a modern McPherson.”
Raph snickers at that. “Donnie is more of a McPher—how old is that movie, anyway? A hundred?
“Hey!” He shoots a glare at his brother. “Respect the classics.”
“Not to interrupt your riveting intro to film class,” Donnie interjects, losing his shit, “but I really need to know what this is before I go, and it’s already fifteen ‘till.”
“Look, maybe she’s interested, maybe she’s not.” Leonardo’s eyes are back on the screen. “Just try to tread carefully and you’ll probably be fine.”
“Probably?”
“Again, Raph had a point.”
He groans, walking to the entrance and exit of their home. “You guys aren’t helping.”
“Not our job.”
Leo calls after him. “Be home before six!”
He turns the corner, cradling his head in his hands. ‘I am totally and thoroughly fucked.’
--
GoodFellas.
Of all the movies in the world, that is the movie you have decided to use to explain these concepts. This is the example piece that you are going to show to the vigilante. All you know is that you had started watching the Phantom Menace and had decided against explaining the concept of racial coding and this is the only other movie that you can think of right now. You have decided to commit, and you are already regretting it, but you decide to figure it out as you go.
You set the pizza on the coffee table, throwing a bag of popcorn in the microwave to pop. You do not expect Donatello to be late, so you decided to start now so that they could get started right away. You start walking to the window, stopping at the mouth of the hallway. You look yourself over one more time in the bathroom mirror despite yourself. You do not exactly know why you care so much; this was not a date, and you had not advertised it as one. Still, impressions are important, and the last thing you need is for him to not listen to you because of it. That is what you are telling yourself, anyhow.
You hear knocking against the glass. You check your phone for the time. ‘Five minutes early.’ You smile softly. ‘How responsible.’ You open it up, smiling at your guest. “Welcome, Donatello.” You take a step back. “Please, make yourself at home.”
He barely makes a sound as he steps off the windowsill, looking around your apartment, fully illuminated, for the first time.
After about thirty seconds of his investigation, you clear your throat. “Donnie?”
He snaps out of it. “Huh?”
You smile gently. “You wanna sit down? I bought pizza.”
“Uh, yeah.” He nods, sitting down and facing the television screen. “I like your place.”
“Thanks.” You sit down next to him, tucking your feet under you as you flip on the television. “How do you feel about gangster movies?”
“Gangster movies?”
“Yeah.” You list a couple on your fingers. “Scarface, Godfather, all that jazz.”
He shakes his head, brow furrowed in confusion. “How can you make gangster movies legally?”
“That is a long answer. The short version?” You lean forward, taking a slice from the box. “The police are kind to those who cooperate, and people think their stories are fascinating.”
“So they’re documentaries?” He mimics you.
You shrug. “Sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. You want something to drink?” You hear the microwave beep as you stand up.
“Water?”
You nod, walking over to pull the popcorn out of the microwave and grab your drinks. “I trust the walk wasn’t too bad?”
“Not at all.” The small talk is torture. “Getting to your window was a bit of a challenge, but it wasn’t anything too bad.”
“That’s good.” You pour him a glass. “I’ll have to get something for that; maybe a planter or something, so you have a bigger ledge.”
“It’s alright.” He taps his fingers against his knee. “It’s wide enough to stand.”
“Still.” You place his cup on the counter, dumping the kernels into a large plastic bowl. “I wouldn’t forgive myself if one of you guys got hurt trying to come in through the window.” You grab a can of soda out of the refrigerator, sitting down and handing him the glass.
He smiles slightly. “You’re really sweet sometimes, you know that?”
You grin. “I try,” you hum, starting to pull up the movie. “I think you’re pretty cool too, Hamato.”
He chuckles. “You make me sound like I’m fifty.”
“Oh, totally.” You nod in agreement. “You’re an old soul.”
He blinks. “Old soul?”
“Mature, I mean.” You shrug. “I mean, handling the stuff you do with any degree of tact, to me, displays a great maturity you don’t see in most teenagers, myself included.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
You get back up for napkins and plates. “Not at all.” You hand him one of each. “It’s an admirable quality, though not one I particularly envy.”
“You think?” His hands linger for a moment longer than typical as he took them.
“Yeah. You want me to turn down the lights for the movie while I’m up?”
His face goes red. “I-I mean,” he stutters, “if you want to.”
“Then I will; shows the image better when it’s dark.” You walk to the wall, flicking off the lights and sitting down next to him, setting your slice on your plate as you turn on the movie.
Your reactions to it are different.
He does not seem what you would call disturbed, but he gets grossly invested in the story extremely quickly. He is noticeably more interested in watching you watch the movie, but he studies the plot intently, noting the more domestic plotline between the lead and his wife in particular. His reaction to the violence is strange to you; he is not aloof, so to speak, but he does not flinch much until the fighting is between Henry and Karen.
You have seen this movie what feels like a thousand times. Whenever you think it applicable, you lean over and whisper to him about the directing, the script, the plot—it is supposed to be a lesson, after all. But you realize that your attention, every so often, shifts to the bed, to your pillow with the knife underneath it. The violence of the movie makes you edgier than you are used to.
About halfway through the movie, you move closer to the boy sitting beside you. You lean your head against his shoulder, closing your eyes as you listen for cues for comments. You don’t notice his reaction, but you do notice how his arm snakes around your waist, pulling you closer to him. You do not object; you were the one who initiated, after all.
“Here’s a psychology relationship thingy you can tell your family about.” You cringe at that poor little girl standing in the hallway. “’That’s all in your head’ is classic gaslighting. I dunno if that’s really your area or not.”
“Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.” He fiddles with the cloth of your jacket absentmindedly. “It’s kinda hard for me to wrap my head around, people staying like that. I mean,” he clarifies, “I get why, but—”
You both tense up as a young man on screen is shot dead by Joe Pesci’s character.
You exhale. “Yeah, I get what you mean.” You shrug. “But folks get scared, ya know? In her case, she doesn’t want to break the family apart, and she’s really into him.”
“What? No way.”
“Yes way.” You look up at him. “What can I say? We fall into infatuation so fast with bad people who say what we want to hear.”
“Don’t you mean fall in love?”
You watch as Lorraine Bracco holds a gun to her husband’s face. “Nope. Love is entirely different.”
“Yeah?” He glanced down at you.
“Apples and oranges.” You gesture to the television. “Love is supplementary, a beautifully imperfect connection between people.” Your voice becomes smoother, airier. “It’s a bond built on trust and respect. Infatuation is more of an addiction than anything.” You sigh as Liota meets to discuss his relationship with Sorvino. “At least I think so. That’s why love at first sight is a bunch of bullshit; you can’t have that kind of profound trust with someone you just met.” You shrug, looking back up at him. “Then again, what do I know? I’m an inexperienced, fifteen-year-old girl.”
“That makes a lot of sense, actually.” He looks back down at you. “I get what familial love is, but whenever Master Splinter talks about his wife, he has a hard time putting what he means into words.”
You hear their guilty verdict. “Totally get that. Articulation is not easy to do.”
A few minutes go by.
“May I be frank?”
“Please.”
You watch as a man drags his wife out of a Christmas party. “This movie is exactly why I don’t ever want to learn how to do the stuff you do. It changes you, all that violence; desensitizes you.” You bring your knees to your chest. “Especially Raphael. I swear, that shift was as dramatic as his, at least at this point in the flick.”
He pauses. “Please, tell me you’re kidding.”
You close your eyes, breathing slowly. “I’m going to try my best,” you swear, “do everything in my power, to see to it that you guys don’t experience more than you have to.”
You mean it. He can tell.
You two are quiet for the rest of the movie. You explain why certain directing choices were made, connect the beginning with the end, talk about the theme, all while you two watched their fall from grace. When the movie ends, you realize how tangled up in him you are; your head on his chest, legs draped over his with his arms around your waist. You feel the icy air against you, as if his skin attracted it to you. You push the hair out of your face. “So,” you stretch, turning the light back on, “do you wanna see another movie, or do you have a curfew?”
He pauses. “I should honestly probably get home,” he sighs. “If I’m not home early they’ll start getting ideas.”
“Oh, yeah.” You nod, completely understanding the reasoning. “You can take the leftover pizza home if you want; the guys’ll probably eat it before I do.”
“Mikey’ll be on cloud nine.” He picks the box off the coffee table. “Thanks.”
“Any time.” You stand at the window, opening it for him.
He climbs onto the windowsill, looking down at you from his perch. “I had a good time.” His face flushed. “We should do this again.”
You nod in agreement. “Definitely.” You rub the back of your neck. “I’ll pick a lighter movie next time.”
“Alright. It’s a plan.” He gives you a thumbs up.
You steal yourself, cupping one side of his face and kissing him gently on the cheek. “Goodnight, Donnie.” You smile. “See ya tomorrow.”
You are a bit concerned he’s going to fall off the windowsill. “Y-Yeah,” he grinned, words slurred. “See ya later, Y/N.” He waved, climbing up and out of your window.
You smile softly, sigh. You flop back on the bed, rolling over. You have not been this at ease since you died.
‘I really like that guy.’ You close your eyes. ‘I really, honestly do.’
You drift off to sleep, dreamless for the first time in too long.
Table Of Contents
Chapter 6 Part 1
Chapter 7
#tmnt#tmnt donnie#tmnt fanfiction#tmnt 2012#tmnt 2k12#tmnt donatello#tmnt x reader#teenage mutant ninja turtles 2012#teenage mutant ninja turtles#teenage#donnie x reader#2012 donnie#donnie#donatello x reader#donatello#nyc#pizza#movie#finally got some action goin on maybe#i finished writing this shit at 4 in the fucking morning#I’m usually relatively fine with tense#but today was a struggle#4710 words#part 2
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