Daytime me has always such high hopes for night shift me. When will she learn.

Sustainability Guilt and Lifestyles

Hello there, it’s been a while.

I wanted to touch on the topic of guilt in the context of living a sustainable and conscious lifestyle. In 2016, when I first started gaining interest in alternative ‘lifestyles’ I thought that the only way to do it right, was to go all in and never look back. I believed that if I wanted to be minimal, I needed to get rid of all my belongings or if I wanted to be natural and organic I needed to get rid of all my products and start all over again. Going into a waste conscious lifestyle I had the same mindset, that I needed to get rid of everything that didn’t align with the ‘lifestyle.’ This was an incredibly unhealthy approach that did not set me up for success later on. As years went by and I bounced between what I wanted my life to look like, I started to lose focus on why I was doing it and the ethical reasons that made me want to change in the first place. I began doing a lot of self-research and in lieu, began this website, Cura Terrae. I wanted to create something I wish I had access to when I had all these pondering questions and times of uncertainty that left me un-inspired and not motivated to continue with it. I found that what I was reading online was relatable and disconnected. It felt like I was given E-How steps on how to change my life. Everything was sugar coated, not speaking to realities such as lack of wealth, transportation, access to food, education and healthcare and a lack thereof. I also noticed how these ‘lifestyle’ and wellness communities were predominately white, and lacked the voice of BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ communities and had a classist and even sometimes racist undertone to them. This is when I wrote my ‘WASTE CONSCIOUS, NOT ZERO WASTE’ piece.

I was fueled with anger, frustration and confusion yet a light of passion to hopefully get others to recognize the lack of diversity, inclusivity and accessibility in these spaces. I started doing workshops, organizing events and creating content. After a few months I slowly started to lose my sense of passion and started slowly drawing away from my strict rules I had set for myself. I spent months creating small habits, like bringing my cups and using my tote bags and walking wherever I can, but this ‘Lifestyle’ consumed me and left me in the dark feeling like I wasn’t making a difference. 

Here I am almost two years later, and a lot has changed for me. I started really focusing on my physical and mental health, and I used my very busy 40 hour work week, on the go lifestyle almost as an excuse for not having myself and the earth’s best interest in mind. I had this huge weight of guilt, feeling that I was contradicting all my beliefs, ethics and values and that’s when I realized what I was doing wrong all along. 

LIFESTYLE.

By definition a lifestyle is a ‘the way in which a person or group lives.’ Just as I had realized with the term ‘Zero-Waste’ it was a label that is not realistic and doesn’t take reality into consideration and labels it with something. Minimalism, Nomadic, Hygge, Veganism. These all to me were labels of a specific way of life with set rules, ideals and ways of living and is heavily focused on the aesthetic of it. I do think that a lifestyle can be adapted in a healthy way, however with modern lifestyles that created movements and trends, these labels can feel unwelcoming and scary. In the past, I tried it all. I did minimalism challenges, was vegan for a few years, bought organic for a few months ( not feasible at all) and fell out of them each time because I would do one thing outside of that lifestyle that leave me to believe that I failed completely. As I decided to get back into my healthy habits and make changes to my life, this time I used a ‘mindset’ approach. Instead of labelling things I changed my patterns of thinking and my mindset to thing through my actions and decisions. My ethics and values have stayed strong for years and I know what is right and wrong to me. Establishing a mindset for me was grouping together my ethics and values and applying them to my daily life. I got into this by learning about the ‘growth’ and ‘fixed’ mindset. Those with a fixed mindset believe that qualities are inborn, fixed, and unchangeable. Those with a growth mindset, believe that these abilities can be developed and strengthened by way of commitment and hard work. I simply felt that I didn’t have it in me to continue with a conscious lifestyle, or that I wasn’t the working out type and I was never going to reach my goals, or that my health issues could never be solved and i’d always feel unhealthy and that I didn’t have time to cook healthy meals. 

I now created the habit of questioning my actions before I do them. Simple things such as going to the store to get food instead of ordering in out of comfort, or making my own coffee the night before instead of rushing in the morning to get some before work, or meditating in the morning when I can to avoid getting anxiety later in the day. I know it may seem quite ridiculous to just say ‘hey, just think about things before you do them’, but it’s human to do things on impulse and not think of the impact it has on you, the planet, and others.

In conclusion, we all have one thing in common, our humanity. At the end of the day, we all are just humans on this planet. Utilizing humanity to nurture a connection between all of us I believe is way more helpful then telling you you have to live a certain way to be happy or feel better. Nobody is perfect, and we are all works in progress trying to better ourselves. Sometimes just stopping and asking yourself ‘does this align with my beliefs? and what i advocate for?’ or ‘Is this going to make me happy, or make me feel good?’ can lead to small actions that can change things in the long run.

By Anna Zeltins

LGBT - How To Prepare For Your H.R.T. Meeting

SO YOUR SEEKING HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY:

    WHY?

    Why do you want to seek hormone replacement therapy? What is the underlying cause to have you seek transformation? Is it because you’re sexually disadvantaged? A victim of abuse? A patient suffering from dysphoria of the body? Or have you been socially conditioned to alter your appearance? Knowing why is a must! Because 50% of those who undergo H.R.T. truly need it and 50% of those who undergo H.R.T. end up regretting it.

     SEEK EDUCATION

     Once you know why you want to undergo H.R.T.; you need to educate yourself about the benefits and risks of H.R.T..

     If you are reading this article, then it is likely that you are in phase two and seeking education. Sadly, many (including myself) do not feel conformable bringing up this subject in public and have a difficult time doing the research online. There is so many ‘bad’ articles out there. Opinionated articles written by with pro-LGBT or anti-LGBT groups to push a narrative or agenda, using salacious data or failing to address the risks, both physiologically and psychologically to the patient.

     If you can...talk to you Primary Care Physician or a center that specializes in LGBT services and ask for resources to make your own decision. Write articles, take notes, talk to your closes friends about the risks and benefits of H.R.T. and why you want to undergo this dramatic transition.

     WHAT NEXT?

     Prior to the clinical appointment with a physician, it is totally natural to feel nervous, anxious, excited, ambivalent, scared or all of there emotions all at once. When I was waiting, I felt all these emotions...I felt bipolar when it comes to the altering range of emotions.

     One moment I am nervous (Will I be given the injection hormone? Or pills?), then anxious (time, place, money and open mindedness). Excited (I can’t believe I actually am doing this!), ambivalent (I pray this isn’t a phase...hate to ask my PCP for breast reduction!), scared (What if they deny me, or I take on too many female characteristics? Will my parents actually kill me if I beginning looking like a woman in two to six years? What will my friends think of me?).

   One feeling I would add and that is: doubt

   For 33 years I danced with doubt, and the last four months have been our grand ballroom dance. Even before I hear what they think, I already begun doubting myself, mostly because I realized that being on estrogen meant my transition was real, physical changes will happen and people will notice. No more hiding, no more Illuminati-like secrets...they will see and my brain will change as my testosterone levels are replaced with estrogen.

   Even though I am scared, nothing will kept me from my appointment...I have been working my way to this point...it will be the greatest scientific experiment I will ever conduct...a second puberty occurring on my own body...I will document it to the tee. This might be a capstone in biological transformation that I’ve written and drawled so many times. I always placed myself in my characters shoes, but never could say what it was truly like...so now I will know!

   The night after the call I kept thinking of all the things I was going to ask the doctor. Things the doctor might ask of me. HRT is like a transplant...if you are not mentally prepared, you will reject it! I ran simulation after simulation of different ways the appointment might go and my mind goes blank and the representative of me is left mumbling uh and um and yeah. I wanted to prevent this from happening, so I wrote down a few simulations. Sometimes it is better to have a list of questions prior to going into your appointment so you are collected and ready. It is also a great way to judge the doctor to see if they are the right one...remember...they are the one rebirthing you to your second birth!

PREPARING FOR DAY ONE:

   Here are three areas to focus on during the first appointment...

1) To assess the providers knowledge and comfort with the different forms of treatment being oral, epidermal or endodermis.

2) To go over side effects and what to expect from starting on estrogen. This is a good way to see if the doctor knows the risks and emotional effects at which stage.

3) And to begin building a relationship with a healthcare provider that hopefully will be based on trust and openness.

   It is important to be able to assess the provider’s knowledge and comfort because you want someone that can properly screen for any health issues that may be a problem in the future (I.e. heart trouble, cancer, blood clots and stroke).

   Since I am Gender Neutral (closely related to Gender Fluid), it would be in my best interest to communicate with the provider that there are some things I am looking to physically change (I.e., breasts, fat distribution around the hips and butt, feminine features in the face and hair growth decrease on chest with halting male pattern baldness on head), but others that I wish to remain the same (I.e., penis, male facial features and muscular support that I have).

   Lastly, having a provider that is up-to-date with the different types of dosing and methods to administer hormones is always helpful because then you are given options, options are extremely important when it comes to hormone therapy because a certain method may work well for one person, but not so well for another. (as seen in Operation B.O. H.R.T.)

SAMPLE QUESTIONS FOR PROVIDER:

   So, when learning about the provider, questions that may help you assess their knowledge and comfort are as follows:

What methods do you give as options when prescribing hormones to your patients?

1a) Current options for estrogen, antiandrogens include: injectable, sublingual or oral, and transdermal.

1b) 17-beta estradiol (estradiol) is most commonly delivered to transgender women via a transdermal patch, oral or sublingual tablet, or injection of a conjugated ester (estradiol valerate or estradiol cypionate). No outcome studies have been conducted on injectable estradiol valerate or cypionate, presumably due to their uncommon modern use outside of transgender care settings; due to this limited use manufacturers have little incentive to produce this medicine, and shortages have been reported. Other delivery routes for estradiol such as transdermal gel or spray are formulated for the treatment of menopausal vasomotor symptoms and while convenient and effective in some transgender women, in others these routes may not be able to achieve blood levels in the physiologic female range. Compounded topical creams and gels also exist from specialty pharmacies; if these are to be used it is recommended that the prescriber consult with the compounding pharmacist to understand the specific details and dosing of the individual preparation. Compounded estradiol valerate or cypionate for injection also exists, and may be an alternative in times of shortage or more cost effective for those who must pay cash for their prescriptions.

Conjugated equine estrogens (Premarin®) have been used in the past but are not recommended for a number of reasons, including inability to accurately measure blood levels and some suggestion of increased thrombogenicity and cardiovascular risk. Equine estrogens are obtained from the urine of pregnant, catheterized horses; no evidence exists to suggest that these estrogens are superior to bioidentical human estradiol.

Ethinyl estradiol is a synthetic estrogen used in contraceptive preparations and is associated with an increased thrombotic risk. In the context of contraception, ethinyl estradiol has more consistent and reliable cycle control and as such is better tolerated, balancing out the potentially increased risk of VTE. In the setting of gender affirmation there is no need for cycle or bleeding regulation, and thus the use of ethinyl estradiol and its inherent risks are not warranted.

General Side effects of estrogens may include migraines, mood swings, hot flashes, and weight gain.

Spironolactone is the most commonly used androgen blocker in the U.S. Spironolactone is a potassium sparing diuretic, which in higher doses also has direct anti-androgen receptor activity as well as a suppressive effect on testosterone synthesis. Doses of 200mg daily in non-transgender women being treated for hair loss have been described as safe, though doses of up to 400mg/day have been reported without negative effect. Hyperkalemia is the most serious risk but is very uncommon when precaution is taken to avoid use in individuals with renal insufficiency, and use with caution and frequent monitoring in those on ACE inhibitor or ARB type medications. Due to its diuretic effect, patients may experience self-limited polyuria, polydipsia, or orthostasis.

5-alpha reductase inhibitors include finasteride and dutasteride. Finasteride blocks 5-alpha reductase type 2 and 3 mediated conversion of testosterone to the potent androgen dihydrotestosterone. Finasteride 1mg daily is FDA-approved for male pattern baldness, while the 5mg dose is approved for management of prostatic hypertrophy. Dutasteride 0.5mg more effectively blocks the type 1 isozyme, which is present in the pilosebaceous unit and therefore may have more dramatic feminizing effects. Since these medications block neither the production nor action of testosterone, their antiandrogen effect is less than that encountered with full blockade. 5-alpha reductase inhibitors may be a good choice for those unable to tolerate, or with contraindications to the use of spironolactone. 5-alpha reductase inhibitors may also be an option for use as a single agent in patients seeking partial feminization, or for those who continue to exhibit virilized features or hair loss after complete androgen blockade or orchiectomy.

1c)

Hormone                            Low Dose   Medium Dose   Maximum Dose

                                            Comments

Estradiol oral/sublingual

                                            1mg/dat        2-4mg/day        8mg/day if >2mg

                                            Recommended divided bid dosing

Estradioltransdermal

                                            50mcg          100mcg            100-400mcg

                                            Max single patch dose available is 100mcg. Frequency of change is brand/product dependent. More than 2 patches at a time may be cumbersome for patient.

Estradiol valerate IMa

                                           <20mg 2wk     20mg 2wk       40mg 2wk

                                           May divide dose into weekly injections for cyclical symptoms.

Estradiol cypionate IM

                                            <2mg 2wk     2mg 2wk        5mg 2wk

                                           May divide dose into weekly injections for cyclical symptoms.

Spironolactone

                                             25mg qd      50mg bid        200mg bid

                                             N/A

Finasterride

                                             1mg qd        N/A                 5mg qd

                                              N/A

Dutasteride

                                             N/A               N/A                0.5mg qd

                                             N/A

Are you familiar with the different methods and doses used? Are you open to trying different methods/doses?

2a) The answers to these questions will let you know how open your provider is, and also how knowledgeable they are regarding advances and new forms of treatment in transgender healthcare.

How many transgender clients do you currently work with?

3a) If you are the first, second, or third, you are most likely going to be learning together. If you are with a provider of over 20, 30 or 100, then they most likely are more experienced.

Do you follow the most up-to-date and current guidelines for transgender care?

4a) Although the World Professional Association of Transgender Health is not the only organization that provides Standards of Care, they are the most well-known. WPATH SOCv.7. is the old model. ICATH is the modern model.

Do they know other providers in different areas of transgender health in case you need a referral for specific care?

5a) You may have some health complications that require monitoring by a specialist. Or in the future you may require specialist care for something (it doesn’t have to be trans related) so having other provider’s names is always helpful. If your current provider has a trans-friendly referral list it may also be a sign that they are more knowledgeable and connected.

Questions to ask about hormones:

What are the side effects?

1a) If there are things they go over that causes you concern, ask for more information.

How will hormone therapy affected my fertility/reproductive options?

2a) If you are considering or would like the option of having (biological) kids in the future, then being informed of options and also risks with being on hormones therapy is something you should consider.

What is the general timeline for seeing changes?

3a) The World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) has a general timeline that can show you the expected changes as noted below:

Body Fat Redistribution

3-6 months to show 2-5 years to finalize

Decreased Muscle Mass/Strength

3-6 months to show 1-2 years to finalize

Softening Of Skin/Decreased Oiliness

3-6 months to show Unknown

Decreased Libido

1-3 months to show 1-2 years to finalize

Decreased Spontaneous Erections

1-3 months to show 3-6 months to finalize

Male Sexual Dysfunction

Variable Variable

Breast Growth

3-6 months to show 2-3 years to finalize

Decreased Testicular Volume

3-6 months to show 2-3 years to finalize

Decreased Sperm Production

Variable Variable

Thinning And Slowed Growth Of Body And Facial Hair

6-12 months to show > 3 years to finalize

Male Pattern Baldness

No Regrowth, loss stops 1-3 months 1-2 years to finalize

QUESTIONS TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PROVIDER:

What questions do they have for you?

1a) Question they ask may bring up more things that you wanted to ask them, but hadn’t thought of before.

Finally, if you are ready and feel good about your relationship with the provider then ask,

When can I get started!?

I noticed in the tags for one of your posts that you said Canada is heading down the same kind of path the US is. Would you mind explaining that to me? I haven't heard about that kind of thing going on but as someone who's major life goal is to move to Canada to be with her lover this sounds pretty terrifying. No pressure if you don't want to discuss that kind of thing though, I generally use Tumblr as an escape for this kind of shit so I totally understand.

Sure I can explain what I mean.This is long, guys, and I'm on mobile, so I apologize.I mean. First of all. I think I might be exaggerating a bit, our politics are always less extreme than the USA and I think they always will be. Our government is organized differently. But a lot of people, Canadians included, have this idea that Canada is this magic land of polite people and free healthcare and we're so much better than the US, and that's just really honestly not true.And I am getting worried about our political situation.First of all, Canada is not and never has been a magic perfect land where there is no racism and everyone is lovely. Our government has a shameful history dealing with indigenous people. We took entire generations of children away from their families and put them in residential schools and beat their culture out of them. We stuck them onto reserves where the conditions were terrible. There's been a huge problem with native women going missing and the police don't care, they don't devote the resources to investigating. And google starlight tours. That's a fun little thing where cops would grab a drunk native, drive them way the hell out on the highway, and just dump them off in the middle of nowhere, at night, in the winter, to let them find their way back to town in the cold. People have died from that. They deal with a ton of social issues now and there's a lot of racist sentiment against natives and it makes me want to scream, like, do you not understand, we did this to them? We broke their culture and all this shit you're complaining about is the fallout from that.We had Japanese internment camps during WW2 just like the US. After 9/11 we had a sharp increase in anti-Muslim bullshit too. There's rural areas in southern Alberta with "a proudly pro life community" signs stuck along the highway. Our government does stupid shit too. Our education didn't get gutted as bad as in the US, but my province made deep cuts to education funding in the 80s and 90s and TO THIS DAY we're still recovering from that. I just want everyone to forget this notion that we're just so much better here and all this crap can't happen here, and honestly I think it's Canadians ourselves who are the worst for this, because i think it makes us stop examining ourselves and asking questions.Which brings me to...I don't like where I see things headed. Living right next to the US, it's inevitable that we are influenced by what goes on there. I think some Canadians are really shocked by what's happening down there and it's really solidified this sense of "well I don't want THAT to happen HERE!"....But there's other things going on as well. I definitely notice a lot more racist buzz. Familiar members of mine who were just annoyingly conservative before are now blatantly and offensively islamophobic. In my province we recently had someone set fire to a mosque during evening prayer. There's graffiti and hate crimes. I do notice it getting worse.Recently we had a bit of a political shakeup, in that we got rid of Stephen Harper, a conservative premier who had been in office for a while, and elected Trudeau, who is liberal, and... despite what you might think of him, is a charismatic leader. In my province, we've had a conservative provincial government for decades, and we got so sick of it that we voted NDP in the last election, which is a worker's party, essentially, and they raised our goddamned minimum wage.And just like in the US, when you elected Obama after all the grumbling there was about Bush and there was push-back against Obama, there seems to be a conservative push-back to all of this.In Ontario they recently elected an absolute buffoon as premier, Doug Ford, and to be honest he strikes me as Trump Lite. He is related to an absolute fuckhead who used to be a mayor, Rob Ford, and whose "antics" were so ridiculous it got us international attention. Anyway this asshole Doug, he wants to do fun stuff like limit access to abortion, and roll back the minimum wage, and other bullshit like that. I thought he was too ridiculous and extreme to get elected premier, and I was wrong.A year or two ago we had a municipal election in my city, and there was concern that there was a mysterious lobby group that no one knew anything about trying to influence the election. Municipal elections are municipal! There was a gross smear campaign and people even stooped to literally sweeping the city and removing all the signage placed out by one of the candidates. Luckily it turned out the campaign didn't work and the candidates that had been targeted mostly all still won, but like. It was just so chilling to me, in the context of everything else that's been happening lately. I'd never seen anything like that happen in my city before.I hear nothing but articles about what a shitty job Trudeau is doing, first it was he was fucking us over by not pushing through this stupid goddamned pipeline, then it was that he was a liar and a traitor by eventually signing the pipeline, he's corrupt, he's a liar, all this shit. My *liberal* friends are telling me all this stuff. I'm not saying he's perfect. He's not. But here's the thing.There's been reports of concerns of Russian and Chinese involvement with our elections. I take consumer response surveys to earn money. Sometimes the surveys ask about local politics or concerns. Suddenly in the last year, the political surveys are unprofessionally biased and asking me questions about conservative politics. A fun local paper we had was recently bought by someone else and now instead of fun local stories, it's all this urgent scaremongering. FLOOD SEASON! AIRLINE STRIKE DISASTER! CITY HOUSING CRISIS!And I think about how we had the facebook data mining, I think about the Russian Tumblr accounts spreading discord to demoralize left leaning voters, and I'm worried that I'm watching the start of that. It makes me feel extremely uneasy. I think there's something going on.The Conservative party is kind of fumbling around at the moment, and I'm worried there's going to be a massive reorganization, and come next election, we're going to be looking at a racist, religious conservative candidate who wants to privatize our healthcare, limit immigration, reduce abortion access, freeze minimum wages, let oil and gas do whatever the fuck they want, etc etc etc. I'm worried it'll be a scary candidate like we've never seen before.And I'm worried that our next election will be Trudeau VS Trump 2.0, and the left-leaning voters will be split between parties, because these shadowy groups have spent a few years making everyone disagree with each other, and it will be the same thing, the exact same goddamned thing that happened in the US. "But Trudeau is so corrupt...." they'll say, and they'll split the vote, and we'll have some awful, awful shit who wants to ruin everything.Now, that's a pretty alarmist attitude, perhaps. There's certain values and certain rights we have in Canada that we're pretty passionate about, and I don't think politicians would be able to get away with as much bullshit up here as they do down there. But I don't know what's happening any more. I'm not sure of anything. Every time I think "it would never get that bad" or "people would never let that happen" something happens that proves me wrong, so. I honestly don't know. I have a really bad feeling in my gut from the weird things I see happening, I've put two and two together, and I don't like what I see.So I mean. At the end of the day, I don't think things up here will ever be as crazy as things in the US. Our government is organized a little differently, we deal with issues a little differently. But I'm still concerned. I don't like what I see, and these last two years have taught me that human beings are fucking disappointing and we don't fucking learn, from anything.I think Canada is a good place to live, and I think it will probably continue to be a good place to live. (Maybe stay away from Ontario and the prairie provinces though)There's my extremely pessimistic point of view. Probably other Canadians wouldn't tell you this, so maybe take it with a grain of salt. Message me if you have any other questions, I would love to answer them.

#personal

I finally wrapped up most of the damage from 2020.  Among all the pain and suffering I had to deal with from all sides, the financials were the most ambiguous.  I read all these thinks pieces about the lasting damage it has done to the American economy.  And then there’s the situations I find myself in that I am left to embrace alone.  The reality is that most people seem to think there’s nothing wrong with me.  Kind of like when I go to the dentist year after year and nobody ever says anything about fixing a crooked tooth.  They floss around it.   I feel them flossing around it.   I apparently wear the defects so well that they become me.  Whatever chunk was taken out of my life still keeps biting.  There are no shortage of victims in this day and age.  I’ve often had to read into the fact that nobody wants me to identify that way.  For some reason based on what people think they know about me there’s a judgement placed without my knowing it’s due process.  I’m laughably somewhere in the middle of everything through survival.  Getting into arguments online or in the street to prove points for yourself is a losing battle.  I have to realize the mindfuck of it all either way.  I’m constantly playing damage control in a world that shoots itself in the foot to feel alive.  If I look back at how long I’ve survived on this planet, I can admit to myself I’ve seen worse outcomes.  To think a year ago, I was in a stable job with a stable amount of debt I couldn’t quite escape the gravity from.  It was always me alone grinding to try and do that.  And to this day how many ever stories you’ve heard about me across the world don’t really pay the bills or encourage people to treat me like a human being.  I deal with people following me around and trying to communicate in ways I never consented to daily.  Everybody’s vampiric instinct for some sort of intelligent connection is at my footstep every ten feet when I go out for groceries.  People overstep the boundaries so much I’ve had to rewrite them for myself for protection.  Now I’m boxed into cheap rent with no guarantees and everybody’s opinion about me on eleven.  It’s the type of shit that would make anyone go nuts.  Let alone everyone struggling for pieces of your power so they can have the upper hand in terms of social dominance.  I get it.  Almost too much.  I live in a city where egos flare up every day.  There’s no shortage of people spray painting gang symbols in pink all over my alley because somebody made the mistake of getting it fucking twisted.  I have to walk through that aftermath and know it all.  That everything I say or do is watched, taken out of context, manipulated to start shit because somebody feels some type of way about shit they do not know the repercussions of.  People get shot in my city every day.  I walk alone.  Sometimes I take the bus when somebody is up in my face with something to prove on an abandoned street.  My imperfections of which there are many aren’t ever going to save me.  My brain does.  And of the most sexy things in this world beyond my greying hair, my coffee stained imperfect dentistry or my pockmarked skin, I am human too.  I live in a country where everyone envy’s the ability to speak freely without being taken to the stake for it.  That’s always been a lie.  I live that lie and dodge it every day.  And there are no real door prizes for second place in that battle except dwindling health care benefits and a lump sum pension.

On the other hand, through all this I continue to make magic happen.  I’m sure people can romanticize how it feels.  There are times when it feels like I’m worth it.  Everybody wants to roast you out here to feel better about themselves.  I’d rather have girls show off their makeup tutorials in safety around me than deal with your petty online hierarchies.  And this is what happens on a very hyperlocal level.  People out here know what I’m about for better or for worse.  It’s called the internet.  People all over the world seem to have an opinion about what makes me tick after I’ve spent over three years writing my heart and soul in three paragraphs on the internet.  And yet I’m still the enemy.  I’m still someone you don’t quite trust.  Someone you more than often throw under the bus because I can take it.  Or there’s something I haven’t been through yet that makes me less threatening.  To break me first so you can control me.  And yet here I am out here with the remote control to my own life boarded into a fiscal cage.  I’ve gone from worrying about money to worrying about when to switch to single payer healthcare.  I’ve gone from holding down the fort to wanting to pack up my cat and  leave completely.  And I will have nothing holding me back.  No hurt feelings.  No vampiric lust for revenge or closure.  No desire to be understood or seen.  People abuse me every day in public and online as their own personal punching bag because they don’t have the strength or the will to practice on the real enemy.  The same enemy I’ve been fighting up close and persona for years.  Does this make me a beast?  Yes.  It makes me far more powerful than anybody would ever know.  And yet I know the reality.  I’ve lived it in my own city for years.  People do not want people to be strong without some sort of failsafe device.  Some secret way to cancel their mutant powers.  Some word or phrase to break them when they fear the freedom and power running through their veins.  Most of the time when that happens I’m paying my bills on time while holding back endless waves of childhood trauma living and growing up weak, smart, and awkward in America.  And here I am still awkwardly unaccepted unless I submit.  Unless I show some sort of weakness I haven’t already conquered.  I’m defective just like you.  But somehow it’s inconvenient for you to approach the reasons you can’t see that.  You’d rather lump me in with everyone else and throw your shot.  You take the hail mary play I’ve seen time and time again from people who secretly are uncomfortable with me winning.  You try to make your bluff at the poken table and I have the winning hand.  Soon I just realize it’s not worth my time playing.  I find another table to saunter off to that doesn’t reward on house rules.  And here I am out here again winning in spite of all the shit you people constantly talk on your secret club house forums.  You might even take away bits and pieces of my own arguments over the years and use them against me.  And where do you end up?  In the same pitiful and tired argument over and over again.  Nobody is going to lift you up from the graves being built around you other than you.  This is what I have learned and have to process every day.  The last eleven months have been barren at best.  And yet I have no hope of it getting any better.  I’m hurt,  A pain that I’ve been able to manage by removing myself from culture that pokes and prods the scars.  Like they’re doing you a favor while they watch you sink.  Throwing rocks at the body floating down the river.  Me playing dead long enough to run away.

If you want me to be honest, it pisses me off how worthless it is to argue anymore.  To jump into this week’s political thought piece.  To argue what a bunch of rich people vote on and why.  To feel like you are part of any sort of people’s revolution that literally plays a ranking game in terms of suffering.  America is good at valuing things.  We take it to the extreme and drown everyone out in the process.  The whole world is learning from us.  And yet America and Americans are a diverse bunch.  About the only thing I can tell you about America that is working right now is the IRS.  That and my bank investigating just how many times I’ve been a target of fraud..  You’d think after all these words typed out into the internet that someone would realize I’m just as much of a victim as some people.  Maybe not in the same way.  But people would rather nitpick and point the finger to divert the attention from themselves.  And the eye of fucking Sauron is always on me.  Not you.  You do not understand the weight of that statement that I live with everyday.  Everyone has a fucking problem with me now.  I have to walk through that brutal street catwalk every day in a city that would rather shoot you than discuss it’s feeling about the situation.  And yet I’m supposed to feel sorry for everyone first.  I’m supposed to watch my tongue for the secret internet and cultural police that control who wins and who loses.  Did I forget to mention I live in America?  The country everyone lauds as being the freest place in the universe.  I’ll give you a hint.  It is.  I fucking live it.  I talk and write about it too.  And my voice is heard around the fucking planet without anybody having the least respect for how it plays out in my life.  I could have died many times over because somebody had to use my life to prove a point.  And it’s collapsed into a void in which I am trapped while everyone continues to throw stones.  Everyone except the people I love.  And the people that love me back.  I’m being real with you.  I stick my neck out every waking moment to live the life I believe is real.  And there are no guarantees.  No expectations.  No hope or clearly worded rules or communication on how to progress.  And week after week. Tooth after chipped and crooked tooth I speak my mind.  I walk with accountability while people stare at the fucking ground.  I live in a loneliness so deep and intense that ghosts still speak volumes.  Things will never be forgotten no matter how silent I become.  And yet people talk over it like I’m already dead.  They stop at nothing to invade my life and defile every chance for me to not fade away.  What in these three paragraphs to you defines me as the enemy?  Because I have more power to make my dreams come true?  Do you want to put yourself into the hell of walking in my shoes?  Do you want to wander these streets without a weapon other than your kindness and patience?  Do you lie awake at night thinking you will die alone without anyone having the reading comprehension to know what it is you are going through.  I will answer this for you.  No you don’t.  Because you will see the exact hell that I know very well.  No one saves you in this life but you.  No one will pick you up out of the hole other than you.  Nobody will tell you when you look in the mirror alone that you are beautiful other than you.  To live with that knowledge and to take it out on other people is fucked.  To judge other people you don’t even know who exhaust themselves to explain is a losing battle for attention.  You should already know the simple fucking answer.  Because I’m worth it.  And I’m sick of beating myself up for people who think they are the only ones in pain.  I’m dying here.  Mostly from lack of open space and personal freedoms.  Sounds like any other country you know other than America.  Home of the free.  I’m going to go exercise my freedoms on these weights.  Because gravity holds pity on noone.  And it’s easier to fall than to rise.  That takes works regardless of how you were born into this world.  Let’s stop fighting each other and pay more attention to the planet.  You’ve already caused enough damage biting off more than you can chew. <3 Tim

#theewanikawoman 

Carolyn Gora was one of the first customers to visit EWANIKA after the initial lockdown ended in late spring of this year and the shop was open by appointment only. Carolyn has a personal style, an easy manner and an adventurous spirit that makes you want to know more about her. Trained both as a nurse and a lawyer, she is the Director of Professional Conduct at the College of Nurses of Ontario. With such a demanding job in healthcare, we wanted to know more about how she was managing during the pandemic – how it affected her work, her personal life and her sense of herself. She generously shared some thoughts about why she is driven to do the work she does, and how she balances that with a desire for self-expression, and a need for self-care.

What is your job and how has the pandemic affected your work?  

Our role is to provide standards and guidelines to support nurses in providing safe and ethical nursing care to the people of Ontario. Our primary objective is to serve and protect the public interest including by addressing complaints against nurses, and at the same time being sensitive to the nurses being monitored. The pandemic has been a time of unprecedented stress for nurses and on the whole healthcare system, and while standards of care and ethics can’t be relaxed, everything has to be viewed in that context. We support a mental health and addiction program for nurses, so that competent and qualified nurses who may become ill, get the help they need. We also set up a program to register as many nurses who were retired, newly graduated or who had left the system to come back and help fulfill the emergency need.

Could you share a bit about your background, how you came to do the work you do today? 

Being a child in the 60’s, I was drawn to the larger than life figures in politics - the Kennedy White house, the Pearson liberals, and the Diefenbaker conservatives. I was also deeply affected by the assassination of JFK in 63, and the Martin Luther King and Bobby Kennedy assassinations in 68. I was in grade 5 when Martin Luther King was killed and I gave a speech about the injustice of it. The protests for freedom, to end the war, for racial rights and women’s rights during the 60’s had a significant impact on my values.

I left school in my first year of university on a personal detour, disconnected from my family, and nursing became the climb back towards self-worth. I took a two-year nursing diploma from George Brown College and worked at St. Michael’s in Cardiology and the Critical Care Unit. It was grounding to work 8-hour shifts - days, evenings and nights with 2 days off and occasionally 3 days off. A shift could be about life and death. I learned about caring for patients and treating people well, regardless of their status, ethnicity, or politics.

I decided to apply to law school. Not having obtained a university degree, I had imposter syndrome, however, I came second in class in my first year. My formative law school experiences included participating in Women and the Law and discovering a book at a conference called Sister Outsider, essays and speeches by Audre Lorde, in particular – the Transformation of Silence into Language and Action, which resonated with me and which I go back to reading regularly.

I discovered the field of professional regulation working at the College of Physicians and Surgeons as the Manager of Public Complaints, and then for the Hearings Office. We dealt with some very difficult cases, but the opportunity for me to combine my experience in health care with my legal experience to protect the public interest was deeply satisfying.

What impact has the pandemic had on you personally and how have you dealt with it?

I have been working full tilt during this period. In the early days of the pandemic I was grateful to be employed and very motivated by my work. I still am, but like everyone, I have moments of anxiety, loneliness and frustration.

I have learned from yoga to breathe and to meditate. Talk to myself. What is happening? What are you thinking?  Sometimes there is a wisdom in anxiety and if you can sit with it and figure what is driving it, you can learn more about yourself, why your buttons were pressed and you decompensated, and how to self-correct, be less reactive and build resilience. I also know to burn off nervous energy through exercise, and my favourite activity of all is kayaking.

I treasure my relationships – and took time to connect with friends. I have very close family relationships, especially with my wonderful niece who I love like a daughter and have tried to support in her life’s journey. I visit my older parents often and feel lucky to have this time with them.

And I have a routine that makes me feel good. I start the day with 2 cups of Pilot coffee and I always get dressed. I put on my clothes, footwear, and jewelry from EWANIKA, even though sometimes no one else can see on Zoom or Teams virtual meetings. It gives me a boost.

How would you describe your style and how did it develop?

Eclectic. Classic with a twist. Sporty.

My mother had an influence on my style and interest in fashion. She came of age in the 40’s and I loved the look of that era – when women wore suits, lipstick and always looked so put together. My mother and her sister both sewed and my grandmother was a seamstress in Poland. I was only 10 when she died, but I still remember a beautiful chartreuse short sleeved silk blouse she made with 50 cloth covered buttons up the back.

Perhaps because of my mother’s influence, I like to put together an outfit. There was a time when those outfits were over coordinated, but I have relaxed that. I still love a monochromatic look, dressed up with a scarf or jewelry. And I love my suits from EWANIKA’s signature line that fit women’s bodies so beautifully. I only feel dressed for business when I put on my Maria de la Rosa socks and boots with a heel.

The sporty appeal for me comes from the fact that I swam competitively from the ages of 6 to 16. My first swim club had a tradition of fresh-water distance swimming with stars like Gus Ryder and Marilyn Bell. I swam Lake Couchiching 3 and a half miles at the age of 9. By the age of 10, I had 10 Canadian records and was referred to in the press as Mini Mouse because of my diminutive stature.

The eclectic part of my look comes from the fact that my work is very serious and I have a desire for something more fantastical and whimsical as a contrast and find it in fashion. I turn to an accessory like my favourite white painted MM6 handbag, or my Mirit Weinstock earrings influenced by traditional Japanese arts.

. . . and what are some of your favourite pieces of clothing or jewelry that you brought with you to the shoot?

A khaki Sophie D’Hoore trench coat. I love the green colour, the cut, the buttons that look like candy. It is classic but with a twist. And the gold and pearl Mirit Weinstock earrings that pop and brighten and add femininity.  

Who do you dress for? 

I dress for myself, head to toe.

Interview by Rachel Low. Photos and styling by Patricia Grace

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From the top, Carolyn Gora is wearing a SOFIE D’HOORE trench coat and sneakers, STUDIO NICHOLSON sweatshirt, HOPE trousers, SOPHIE BUHAI silver ball earrings and pendant and an MM6 handbag; a black wool SOFIE D’HOORE dress, MARION VIDAL necklace, MIRIT WEINSTTOCK earrings and BY FAR lace up boots; and lastly the EWANIKA signature suit with a MAISON BOINET belt. All items are her own.

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Sister Outsider, by Audre Lorde, originally published in 1984 and this copy a re-issue in 2007, presents a charged collection of fifteen essays and speeches by the black lesbian poet and feminist writer. In her writings Lorde takes on sexism, racism, ageism, homophobia, and class, and propounds social difference as a vehicle for action and change. Her prose is incisive, unflinching, and lyrical, reflecting struggle but ultimately offering messages of hope. Her philosophies resonate more than twenty years after they were first published. 

Loredana Bourceanu, Modex Software Lead – ‘In partnership we trust: our motto regarding the future and necessity for data protection’

Next in the “We are Modex” series of interviews with our tech team is the energetic and high spirited Loredana Bourceanu. An avid traveler, book connoisseur, and amateur baker, Loredana will share with us glimpses from her personal life, highlighting the experiences that helped shape her as a person, hobbies, passions, and of course, her work as Software Lead at Modex.

Tell us a bit about yourself, who is Loredana Bourceanu? Share with us some of the experiences that helped shape you into the person you are today.

I believe that most good things in life were born out of negative experiences. It’s difficult to quantify exactly the range of experiences that help shape us as individuals because we are so different from one another, but for me, it’s when we are taken out of our comfort zone when we are experiencing that sensation of incertitude mixed with a tiny bit of anxiety.

Of course, I’m not actively searching for bad experiences, but when they are unavoidable, I try to manage the situation calmly and tactfully. I am also the type of person that treats people equally. I’m convinced that you can learn something from anyone if you just take a brief moment to listen to what they have to say.

Let’s talk about books. Do you have any particular book or authors that you enjoy reading accompanied by a hot cup of tea on a cold and gloomy autumn day?

I’m very “moody” when it comes to reading, as well as the music I listen to. I lean more towards psychology, personal development books, or financial education books, but this doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy fiction or history. I am currently reading two books in parallel, one of them “When Nietzsche Wept” goes very well with the “hot cup of tea on a cold and gloomy autumn day” scenario. The other one is “The Art of Negotiation” by Chris Voss. As I said, I like to mix things up.

Care to share with us some of your hobbies and passions? What do you enjoy doing when you aren’t developing the next big tech solution?

I really like to travel around the world to discover and experience new places and cultures, alas this year everyone’s plans were turned upside down by the critical global situation we’re in. But I didn’t let this discourage me as I tried to take advantage of the good aspects of working from home so I geared up and relocated a couple of weeks to the mountainside in a pretty remote village. It was a beautiful and interesting experience.

Regarding my hobbies, I’m an active person that likes to do sports, beach volley being my favourite. I could play that game from dawn till dusk. I also enjoy dancing to the rhythm of good music. Oh, and baking all sorts of sweets, especially getting rid of evidence once they’re done.

Was becoming a programmer your first career choice? Also, what sparked your interest in programming?

I’m the type of person that has an analytic way of thinking. Since I can remember, I have always gravitated towards exact sciences like mathematics, chemistry, and physics. During the last years of high school, I already set my mind to attend a college with an engineering profile, and I think I made a wise choice, considering the current context. I enrolled at the Faculty of Automatic Control and Computer Science from the Polytechnic University of Bucharest. It was during my time there that I caught a taste for programming: as results slowly started to accumulate, I delved deeper into the topic, wanting to learn more.

The market demand for programmers has always far exceeded the number of available professionals. Today, a large segment of the workforce is working from the comfort of their homes. Many see this as an opportunity to develop new skills, and programming seems to be a top choice. Do you have any advice for people that want to take their first steps into this domain, but aren’t quite sure where to begin, or what to focus on?

I have a younger sister who has just finished high school. She is not attracted by this field of work, but many of her colleagues want to have a career in IT. Some of them are already passionate, others dream of becoming programmers. This industry offers many opportunities, the demand for specialists is still high, it all depends on the person, how much effort he or she is willing to put. It also depends on their ambition on how much they truly wish to succeed.

For me, it was easier because I had guidance during my time in college, after that, I had time to perfect my craft during the various programming jobs I had over the years. If you wish to be self-taught, I think it’s best to take a moment and do some research, ask yourself what is it you are trying to achieve. You need to test the waters first to find something that matches your abilities and inclinations and more importantly, something you will enjoy doing. There is a lot of information on the Internet, you can find the answer to almost every question or problem you encounter.

Can you describe how the pandemic has reshaped the development process and the general workflow at Modex? What were the biggest challenges posed by moving “the office” to your living room? What is Modex’s strategy regarding working remotely?

I think we have adapted very well to the new way of working, we have daily meetings, and sometimes we also have meetings just for socializing with each other, where we chat, tell jokes and so on. It’s basically what we would do during our lunch breaks back when things were normal. Overall, our daily work was not affected, on the contrary, I think that our work life is progressing very well from home.

I consider social interaction an essential element of our work lives but realistically speaking, currently, there is no other option than to work from home. But once the pandemic situation is over, I believe that organizing a big night out with everyone from work is a must, especially considering the fact that we have new colleagues that I haven’t yet had the pleasure to meet in person.

You have been with Modex since the company’s early days. Can you talk about your experience at Modex, how the company has grown over the years, and how the internal dynamics evolved as the team got bigger and bigger?

True, I have been in the company for quite some time. Now that I look back, there have been a lot of fast-paced changes during my time here. One thing is certain, it’s not going to stop here. Things have evolved remarkably well, considering the fact that the whole team has grown a lot over the past years. This was made possible by our colleagues who have proved themselves as true professionals that quickly adapted to the company’s requirements. I also believe that teamwork is an asset of all our colleagues, we constantly help each other out and collaborate very well when the need arises.

As one of the key members of the development team, you got the opportunity to work on multiple projects. Please describe your favourite project and some of the challenges you needed to overcome during the development process.

That’s a difficult question. I can’t choose a favourite project, I don’t want to upset anyone (laughs slowly). All the projects I worked on were important and I treated them with the utmost care and responsibility. As I have already pointed out, I’m an analytic person, so I always try to successfully complete all my tasks, regardless if they are work-related or personal. Life is full of unexpected challenges, it’s important to have the right attitude and mindset to successfully overcome them.

Blockchain is touted as a game-changing technology that will have deep ramifications across the enterprise and business sectors. How is Modex BCDB going to fit in the current blockchain paradigm?

Modex BCDB is a product with a wide range of features that are beneficial across a wide range of sectors of the business sphere: we can talk about healthcare, legal or governmental institutions and we would only scratch the surface of the areas where our product can be integrated. To an outsider, it may seem that we are overestimating the capabilities of our solution, but the fact of the matter is that the blockchain database layer we provide can complement and enhance the security of applications that utilize database engines. This is because Modex BCDB was designed to empower businesses by guaranteeing data immutability, integrity, and security.

“In partnership we trust” – that is our motto in the tech industry regarding the future and the necessity for data protection in the digital world of tomorrow.

Modex is well known in the tech community for the numerous workshops and tech events it organizes. You have often been an active presence in these events as a mentor. What is it like to attend these large-scale events as a representative of a tech company? Do you often scout for new talent during these workshops?

Indeed, I participated in several workshops; the last one took place during the pandemic. Of course we needed to adapt to the times we are currently living in, so it was an online workshop. My goal at these workshops is to get participants, who are mostly students, to leave with some information at the end: information about blockchain as a technology and its benefits, as well as a general overview of the Modex BCDB product. I enjoy this role, because at one moment I was thinking of becoming a teacher. This way I get to experience a more didactic approach to technology and programming.

The post Loredana Bourceanu, Modex Software Lead – ‘In partnership we trust: our motto regarding the future and necessity for data protection’ appeared first on Modex.

Warning for a couple walkthroughs of my mild anxiety attacks, mild cursing, and some alcohol and drunkenness mentions. Context: My parents and I just get home from grocery shopping after picking my dad up from work. I get started on my dinner right after we get all the groceries in. It is after 6:30pm. I live on the eastern seaboard. My mom has a private number pop up on her phone and she answers cause we have fucked up legal shit going on and you never know who's calling. "L, it's uh, a guy from /not risking those bastards finding it with even a fake name bullshittery lets call it C corp/ and its for you." My immediate thought is someone from work needs to know if I know a policy question or if I know where a tool might be or how to handle a situation. But then my heart sinks cause my mom knows everyone there and half of them call her mom because she's there early to pick me up all the time. 1. She'd have given me a name, and 2. They'd have texted me first because sometime my phone is off for a week or more because sometimes a can't afford my month by month plan. It happens, I'm poor, but my moms is always on because of legal shit, doctors appointments, job stuff for all of us, and everything else. Thing is. No one who is working tonight really knows that. They're all new or new ish and haven't had thrat happen when they try to call me yet. But it irritates the store manager to no end. She thinks I make enough to not be poor. I make pennies over 11 bucks an hour and close to a quarter of that (like 23%) gets taken out in taxes. Even with our other two incomes right now my family of 6 is broke as fuck. We were homeless for two years (TWO FUCKING YEARS) because our former slumlord neglected to pay his mortgage and the court pushed us out onto the street while charging us with evictions because the bank wanted them to. That is a whole other basket of raging, rapid, monstrous beasts, but that's beside the point. Anyway back to the story, which I now know my manager is involved in because who from corporate would know to call my mothers phone instead of my primary number. So I answer the phone and its a guy from corporate. Technically he works in my region but as far as I'm concerned district manager is corporate. So I'm in the first stages of an anxiety attack and I can barely breathe and I'm shaking and my heart is racing and I'm already tearing up. He wants to talk about a comment I made on the C corps employee resource/announcement/inventory/paperwork page. We are 'encouraged' to make these comments, I believe primarily to out unhappy people, but I had never made a comment before. Last week though, after a few days of other people commenting how unhappy they were regarding the announcement, I felt like I was safe enough to do so. Apparently not. :/ The announcement was about raises in January but with additional 'tenured' 'part/ner' raises. I'm just short of the cutoff for the three year better raise and. I. Am. Livid. Enraged. Pissed. Infuriated. Raging. Antagonized. Outraged. Inflamed. Wrathful. I've been a supervisor for nearly a year and a half. And I've been the only fucking closing one they have been able to keep. I replaced one while she went on her sabbatical, she works mornings now. The other that was there before I was promoted moved to mornings because she got burned out on nights. Which I understand. If you work nights, you get burned out. I only close. I have requested to have at least one mid shift a week, I'm tired and I deserve it. But I'm not allowed. Because this store has been through the first two who are veterans and who trained me, two men one who quit with no notice because he and most of the rest of the team (see, morning crew) and he loathed each other. Another who quit walked out on her last day because she hated the manager, a morning crew member (see a theme? Morning crew hates nights and night crew just sits there, understaffed and denied all there requests off, seething, while the manager only calls out or writes up evening crew). So right now there's me, I close 4 nights a week. I used to be full time but I had to beg for 7 months. SEVEN FUCKING MONTHS. to have one day taken off my schedule. Literally I had tears running down my face as I had to explain to her why I needed go not work t days a week. Finally, convinced I still regularly work an extra day because she's desperate and I need money. But I won't close that extra day because I asked for 3 closes and one mid a week and was still denied it because the morning crews schedules come first. There's a second closing supervisor but she happens to enjoy using racially charged words despite being white as I am and us closing with mostly poc. She sucks at her job and was only promoted because she lied about having experience as a supervisor because she can count cash but she can't run the floor. She forgets everyone else's breaks and runs hers late and literally cannot get done close to being on time. I have been told by at least four closers and preclosers that they will quit or transfer if I do because they cannot stand her. Sorry I'm really pissed and kinda drunk now so I'm getting really off topic but I promise that all of this backs up why I'm fucking pissed. So this guy from not-really-corporate ill call him D, wants to know why I feel the way I do. We have a conversation that was at least 20 minutes long. C corp is obsessed with their 'total pay' style. None of which really helps me. I'm too poor to get their healthcare, I get Medicaid. I never used it but I have to have it so there it is. I use it for glasses and that is it. They offer stock options, which take either two or three years to be available in cash I don't really know all I know is my parents advised me to leave them for when we /really/ need it but I can only.take a small amount of cash out. They offer retirement options and whatnot through a certain financial service but, once again, cannot afford to take money out of my paycheck. They offer a small handful of majors through an online school. Thing is you have to pay upfront for it, and I want to go to art school which obviously isn't offered through this program. We get a food item and free drinks every shift. I can eat a total of 1 food item available to us out of like a hundred. I ate it every day for a year and a half. I can't eat oatmeal anymore. Free drinks are great but even the theatre i worked at offered that. We go over all that. I explain that I have a family of six. I need money now. Not later. Not healthcare. Not a pay up front education (don't worry we'll pay you later if you get good grades). I get sick when I think of eating oatmeal (yeah oatmeal is literally a trigger for me now I used to love oatmeal). I explain that I once applied for the donation fund by part/ners for part/ners on the worst day of my life and when I got the reply email I was told that because I didn't have any utility bills, because my family was FUCKING HOMELESS. He went on to say that if I wanted more money that I should move up in the company. The three people I have watched try to move above a supervisor position have been led along with a carrot attached to a fucking string. One person finally got an ask position and the other even after 9 years is still stuck in the same place I am. I don't want to move up. I want to make a living wage. We discussed this. He asked me how much I thought I should be making. I lied and said 13 an hour. It should be 20. Customer service employees and ESPECIALLY FOOD SERVICE EMPLOYEES should get hazard pay. Forget the raise for managers and supervisors. I do my job. I used to do it better. I left behind two other jobs for this piece of shit company. I have taken shit raises. Pennies. God damned pennies as a raise. I work only closing shifts for three years. I have covered other stores for days to help them out. I have dealt with the shittiest of shitty employees and customers. I have taken panic attack after panic attack and have taken shit from every customer and every single person I have worked with. I like plenty of my team members but goddamn are they catty ass bitches. I take the shift no one else wants. I have taken nothing but shit from my manager who thinks that my dreams don't make money, because its art. He literally didn't care about anything I had to say. Just repeated that there is a cutoff for a reason. Which I fucking I understand. I'm not a goddamned idiot. Doesn't stop me from being fucking enraged. Well ill keep y'all updated when this posts. But its Tuesday and if not friday, I don't think ill have a job by Monday. It's been like an hour since I started this and I'm still crying and still breathing heavily and I hate everything. I fucking hate my job I fucking hate my life and I'm tired.

...We’re missing something

- ‘Separation’, W. S. Merwin

These thoughts started as a couple of tweets, and grew. They are not fully formed but I am profoundly discomforted by the ways in which the dead are (or are not) being talked about in all our leaders’ plans and public discourses about roadmaps ‘out’ of this crisis, and the (unstated) implications of their absence. So here are some rough, ill-formed thoughts for now.

“Lets face it. We’re undone by each other. And if we’re not, we’re missing something” 

-Butler, Precarious Life, 2004, 23

I’ve been trying to work (as we all are), at home, while simultaneously checking in on friends and family, building new, smaller routines. I’ve been trying to stay away from commenting on the current context, because who has words right now? Yet I haven’t been able to get a question out of my head; its been floating around, running across the tip of my tongue, looking for an answer. Who will mourn the dead? Or, perhaps, why won’t we mourn the dead?

The death toll globally, now in the hundreds of thousands, continues to rise. Yet I am struck by the absence of mourning. On my twitter timeline I scroll past tweets announcing the deaths of family members—‘My brilliant dad died of COIVD this morning’… ‘My grandma succumbed, we couldn’t be there’… ‘Here is a photo of my mother before I was born, she’s gone and I miss her so much’… But still, this mourning, these stories are small, personal, isolated. Swallowed up in the noise of my twitter timeline. Photos circulate of middle-of-the-night army convoys in northern Italy carrying the immense volume of dead to neighbouring morgues, aerial shots of mass graves on Hart’s Island in New York, thousands of families collecting funerary urns in China. The dead are present. And yet they are not.  So, I have to ask, why are we not mourning collectively? Where is the shared grief? The commemoration of names, and lives, and stories?

Commemoration can be jingoistic, and nationalistic; it can be perverted for political ends. Yet commemoration also holds us together, pierces our self obsession, recognises something bigger is going on. 

When the towers collapsed in New York in 2001 you couldn’t escape the smiling holiday snaps of victims, hour-long specials about their lives and their deaths. When MH17 crashed, Victoria’s largest church filled with mourners. Is this crisis too large? Are we too separated? Or is it easier not to confront the reality when the future is so uncertain.

Shut in our houses the news drones about economic recovery, measuring the dead in the same graphic images, numbers soaring up in inverse to the plummet of the stock market. But there are no people in these stories. They are numbers, and the  tallying obscures the fleshy reality of what is being counted.

Reflecting on the American war story and repatriation of the dead, Kandida Purnell argues that ‘national binding in grief’ can only happen if together bodies feel an intensification of emotion (2018, 159). I don’t want to compare the dead from COVID to war dead—for many reasons, some beautifully laid out by Cynthia Enloe—but Purnell’s work on war dead demonstrates the impetus in seeing and speaking of the dead can provide towards collective commemoration and accounting.

Judith Butler notes that ‘many people think grief is privatised’ and depoliticised, but Butler argues that ‘it furnishes a sense of political community of a complex order, and it does this first of all by bringing to the fore the relational ties that have implications for theorizing fundamental dependency and ethical responsibility’ (2004: 22). It brings attention to the ‘we’, the relational, collective constitution of our human condition.

An absence of grief, a lack of mourning, means those relational ties are not felt, they are not made present. How different might people’s behaviours be, under lockdown and as lockdowns lift, if they felt not selfish frustration at being confined to home, but if confinement was understood as a relational act of solidarity motivated by engaging in and with grieving and memorialisation of those who have died because of this virus? An act of conscious care. 

Sara Ahmed (2004) argues that stories of pain must be heard for people to be moved by others’ suffering. There is an absence of these stories in mainstream outlets, although they circulate on twitter. How might we be moved if we allowed ourselves to sit with others’ pain? What does it mean that we are so interested in getting back to the pub, to visit mum for Mothers day, to celebrate the outcome of another enormous loss of life with VE day celebrations in the UK for example, that we don’t think about the potential deaths caused by our actions?

When lockdowns lift before the curve has flattened, it is a signal that some lives matter less than others; this is invisible and unstated but present. Again, in the realm of war, Maja Zehfuss points to the particular position of soldiers “whose lives are grievable [as per Butler] and yet put at risk in order, apparently, to protect other lives” (2009: 419). Again, healthcare workers, school teachers, public transport drivers, cleaners, are not soldiers (and it speaks to the paucity of our analyses that it is in war we look for these sacrifices and not in everyday life, and I’m reflecting too, on my own vocabulary in looking for spaces to speak of grief). Yet if you call them frontline workers, the battlefield is invoked, and their risk is rendered intelligible—to protect others. On twitter, I saw someone observe that when we talk about going back to ‘normal’ we are talking about low-paid workers working to allow others to stay home, but with more comforts. The politics of this disease and its violence—as others have noted—is racialised, gendered, and classed  (and globally differentiated ). More war analogies: who are we willing to sacrifice?

I don’t want to re-appropriate Butler’s conception of ‘grievable life’ entirely out of the context/s in which she presents it (replete with the complexities of uneven global power relations, and a persistent imperial gaze), however, the idea of grievability is profoundly valuable here, because to be able to grieve a death, according to Butler, you have to be able to imagine it as a life that should have been lived, and that requires a recognition of the fundamental sociality of our lives, and our bodies.

“But if we are social beings and our survival depends upon a recognition of interdependency…then it is not as an isolated and bounded being that I survive, but as one whose boundary exposes me to others in ways that are voluntary and involuntary (sometimes at once), an exposure that is the condition of sociality and survival alike” (2010: 54).

I’m not sure I’m saying that those who have died from COVID19 are ungrievable lives, but their deaths are being rendered invisible, unmarked, except in exponential log-graphs. If they can’t be conceived of, they can’t be mourned. In whose interest is it that we do not mourn; in whose interest is it that we lose sight of the social constitution of ourselves?

In this ‘easing restrictions’ and ‘lifting stay home orders’ can be justified in terms of the economy and ‘returning to normal’, ignoring the cost at which this will come. Because some lives are more grievable than others. In places in recent weeks this differentiated value of life is explicit. News outlets and ‘journalists’ make this claim explicitly. Others justify their lockdown-violating/bending behaviour because they are not in a ‘risk’ group, implicitly and explicitly at times, arguing that those with risks and vulnerabilities are worth less, that their deaths would be acceptable if others could ‘return’ to normal life. I don’t know even where to start in trying to convince people they should care about others.

Those who have died are not the ‘glorious’ dead of a foreign war, but rather the shameful dead whose deaths highlight the failings of the political class to act quickly enough, or out of anything other than self preservation. Lack of mourning is not passive, but predicated on active choices. Deaths are hidden, obfuscated, non- or mis- counted. Ungrievable deaths are not just unmarked, but are ‘unmarkable’. They ‘disappear into the ellipses by which public discourse proceeds’ (Butler, 2004, 35). And the public discourse reifies capitalist production that values labour over lives. It doesn’t have to be like this. As Arundhati Roy described, in a much shared piece last month, the pandemic is a portal, a gateway. We can imagine a different world. But to do so we have to make visible the deliberate strategies that try and justify and minimise the deaths of loved ones, near and far.

Roxani Krystalli, in a beautiful tiny letter last year reflecting on the burning of Notre Dame, the attacks in Sri Lanka, and noticing birdsong, called for us to ‘ask questions of our empathy and its failures’. An attentiveness to absences that would serve us well in the current context where so much of the suffering is occurring behind walls and doors and bodies.

Early in the lockdowns an text-image circulated on social media (I cannot find it again as I go to type this, thanks to the ephemerality of Instagram and twitter - EDIT, I found it, thanks to brilliant friend India Allender, posted below) naming the empty streets not as something to fear but as representative of a radical act of love. It is out of love for others—for those we know, and those we do not—that we remove ourselves from public places, restrict our movements. This is the shared vulnerability, the fundamental sociality of our embodied selves, that Butler talks about.

Yet as we move in public and private discourse from ‘we’ statements to ‘I’ statements—I want to go out, I want to see my friends, I am not high risk—we lose sight of that collectivity, and the emotional resonance, as Purnell argues, required for collective commemoration, dissipates. This violent teleological drive to reopen society is predicated on a refusal to acknowledge the loss we’ve all suffered, collectively. 

Perhaps a concerted efforts to see the dead, to mourn them, is an ethical responsibility as Butler notes, and it allows a reclaiming of that collective space, a willingness to stay apart, stay home, until we can all be safe.

 - post I originally saw on Instagram as a text-only post, that has been printed and pasted to the side of a building.

No Time [for businesses] To Die.

Read time: approx. 7 mins and 18 seconds, ish.

Context is a powerful thing.

Since my last post, Coronavirus has happened. At the moment of writing approximately 668,363 people have tested positive, from which the cumulative death toll is 31,045.

These are extraordinary times.

What we are experiencing is new. The last pandemic, Spanish Flu, was in 1918 and it is estimated to have killed tens of millions of people. Back then the world’s population was c. 1.8bn. Today the world’s population is estimated at more than 7.8bn - and so the total number of people who experienced lock-down in 2020 is probably greater than the total population in 1918.

Since then the population has flourished. There are now more than 7.8bn people on the planet. But it’s not simply the quantity of humans that has multiplied the stakes; it’s also that we are more mobile than we’ve ever been; more connected; more aware; and more old. The benefit of advanced medicine is that we live longer, but its unintended consequence is an explosion in the number of ‘vulnerable’ people.

There is no precedent for the containment of so many of us. Once previously diverse in language, nationality, culture and identity, now united uniformly by a common enemy and an international official request to stay at home.

Young and old are all learning how to use Zoom and are realizing the numerous benefits of working from home. We are collectively anxious about our health, the well-being of vulnerable friends and family, and we’re all suffering from cabin-fever. We’ve only just begun what I expect to be a long and difficult journey. Already I am so disorientated that I have no idea what day of the week it is – literally.

Despite the ignored predictions of epidemiology experts, for most of us this situation was previously unimaginable. Even three weeks ago - no-one saw this coming.

When the producers of James Bond chose the title of the legendary spymaster’s next movie, little did they know how significant that choice would be at the time of the film’s scheduled release:

No Time To Die.

Sadly I suspect that barely a family will go untouched by this devastating disease.

The same is equally true for businesses.

For many of us, lives will now depend on real life super-heroes that work in hospitals and critical frontline services. Doctors, nurses, carers, and even delivery drivers are our new James Bond – key workers that we wholeheartedly applaud from the safety of our doorsteps.

In business, decisiveness and speed of response will be vital to survival.

The repeat behavior common to successful entrepreneurs is their ability to ‘pivot’, to adapt, to improvise, to compromise, to innovate and to evolve.

Crisis are rarely convenient (except occasionally in politics).

Despite whatever the level of you and your business’s preparedness for this crisis, how we each react is a choice. It is your decision whether to respond; how to respond; or to do nothing.

The impact of the Covid-19 crisis is so significant that ‘business continuity’ plans are critically important, but typically no-where near sufficient to ensure business survival.

The producers of James Bond were quick to react. They postponed the UK launch from 3rd April to 12th November 2020.

The film’s postponement was a wise decision well made. Not long after that decision, the world went into lock-down.

In an era that defined by a new language including “Self Isolation” and “Social Distancing”, now is not the time to be in the hospitality industry.

Some businesses will not survive the consequence of this disease.

However, the opposite is equally true. Some businesses will flourish because of Covid-19 – however uncomfortable that might sound.

For example, if you are in the business of deep cleaning; manufacturing Personal Protection Equipment (PPE being another term new to many of us); manufacturing respirators, then capacity is likely to be your biggest challenge right now.

Whether we like it or not, the dice are loaded, for some businesses favorably, for others not. Either way, good businesses are worth fighting for.

Fighting is active, not passive. We need to find our inner James Bond.

Successful entrepreneurs are instinctive – they respond immediately to circumstance and challenge. Successful entrepreneurs are activists.

My mantra is, “Selling is not a future event” – and the moment I hear leaders giving themselves (or their organization) the permission to defer selling, it invariably signals business failure.

For those not sure what’s best to do – from an entrepreneur’s perspective, now is the time for:

Delivering digitally: Best example is Joe Wicks – now teaching millions of school kids PE with his daily vlogs. Joe’s manner and approach is life-affirming and adorable.

Diversifying: Zara has diverted its manufacturing capability and capacity to prioritize the production of medical uniforms/scrubs.

Doing up: Decorating is near impossible when you have to accommodate customers and staff – get the paint brush out.

Taking away: Restaurants are doing a great trade delivered. Food is not the only thing that can be taken-away and delivered to the door.

Driving in: Only essential journeys are now allowed. But when the driving ban is lifted, we will have a new appetite for the isolation/protection of being cocooned in our own vehicle.

Learning and developing: For most people, their diaries have been substantially cleared. At the lowest level, except for key-workers we’ve all gained back the time we previously lost to our regular commute. Use it wisely. Read. Learn. Develop.

Building communities: We live in a digitally connected world. Actively seek, network and connect with people of a like-mind and common interest.

Getting ready: I am a pragmatist not an optimist. This crisis will end. Science will provide solutions. The criticality will pass. Healthcare capacity will increase. Some form of immunity is inevitable. Businesses need to prepare now for the isolation/quarantine to end. I expect the collective need to socialize; to liberate; to mobilize; to entertain; to reactivate; to resume – will be explosive.

Starting-up: Ironically, in an article that started with ‘No Time To Die’ – perhaps now is a time for new businesses to be born. I’m not saying that now is a good time to start-up – but what I am reporting is that I know three great entrepreneurs who are actively using this time to comprehensively map-out their next ventures.

Impacting positively: How businesses behave during the crisis will have a massive consequence for how well they exit it and how quickly they recover. Dyson. Dyson. Dyson. I am so proud that a British company has responded so brilliantly to the urgent/emergency/critical need to manufacture more ventilators.

My point is, in most cases, simply postponing is not enough. Businesses need to be more inventive than simply deferring, delaying, and rescheduling.

No business is immune to the impact of the Coronavirus crisis. It affects all businesses, big and small.

The world is now a global captive audience – literally. That creates all sorts of opportunities. As the impact of the crisis unfolds, the business winners will be those that adopt an entrepreneurial mindset, and who are astutely observant and have the intuition and agility to act.

The launch of the next Bond film provides an interesting analogy for business. Let’s have some fun with that analogue, as follows:

I hope that the producers of James Bond are as quick to recognize and respond to the evolving situation as they were to speedily (and appropriately) postpone the launch of the new movie. A basic risk assessment would suggest that the proposed new launch date is a high risk – who knows, when autumn arrives we may need another lock-down. We may even still be in this one.

An entrepreneurial mindset hunts for opportunity. In these worrying times, sometimes those opportunities are difficult to see. From a film producer’s perspective, the closure of cinemas might seem an overwhelmingly nightmare. However, perhaps the lock-down creates an even bigger opportunity. There are now c. two billion people locked-in at home in-front of their televisions – and they are all desperate for some great entertainment and some light relief. The lock-down has created a global audience the size of which may never happen again (hopefully).

Perhaps this creates an opportunity for a new plan that both reduces risk and maximizes both audience numbers and revenue.

Successful entrepreneurs pivot – they don’t get stuck by being overly attached to out-of-date declarations. Entrepreneurs are comfortable to be unconventional.

An entrepreneurial approach therefore would be to ‘unpostpone’ the launch – and instead create not one but two global James Bond nights:

The first James Bond night being to launch the film via TV now, to a global audience desperate for a great night in.

The second James Bond night being the launch of a special Director’s cut of the movie to celebrate our relief at the reopening of cinemas and relish a great night out.

Launching via TV first may be unconventional, alien even, to Hollywood. But so much of what is happening right now was previously unimaginable.

The first media company to seize the explosion in the home audience and ramp-up their content quality and quantity will win disproportionately both now and in the long-run. However, most content production right now has stopped due to the lock-down. But that won’t stop media companies who are entrepreneurially inventive and entrepreneurially driven.

It’s not like we’ll be going out any time soon or have any other plans in this thumb-twiddling marathon.

Perhaps we could start a campaign to petition the Chancellor to see if we can persuade him to spend a tiny part of the UK Government’s c. £330bn crisis fund to part-sponsor a damn good tele-night for everyone. Britain could gift the world with one of its richest entertainment talents – to a global audience that has never been in more need of our 007 action hero. Who better to alleviate the anxiety of this villainous virus than our very own James Bond.

Wouldn’t that be epic. I’d even dig out my dinner-suit just for the occasion.

Sending love.

Stay safe.

#DemDebate night one:

Everyone's way too prepared.

So I said I wasn’t going to live-tweet the debates because I did that in 2016 and MAN did it make me insufferable online.

Buuuuut I also didn’t make a full write-up, I just scribbled a shit-ton of notes on my laptop and now I’m looking back at it the next morning and holy shit I must have been drunk as hell by minute three because I made no sense so fuck it I’ll just keep doing this.

here we go kids

BETO DID HIS ENTIRE SECOND PHRASE IN SPANISH UH

woo woo pass the ERA

Everyone's answering with such long lead-ins - the first person who gives an ANSWER in the first quarter-sentence gets an award

Bill De Blasio keeps grinning DIRECTLY at the camera. I'm deceased.

And GIVE HIM THE BONUS Bill De Blasio answered the question in the first 5 words. What a mans. AND HE CALLED IT OUT. he CALLED OUT THE PARTY-LINE TOEING. WHY AM I OKAY WITH BILL DE BLASIO NOW??

Jay Inslee said unions give him the award too. I mean, he didn't say a thing about the minimum wage, but he did say some nice stuff about clean energy, sticking it to Trump, and some other stuff. I do like him, I guess?

Tim Ryan says "China" in the same tone as Donald Trump hee hee

WoW! so it turns out if you ask Liz a specific question she gives you a FULL answer and I fucking love it god damn keep doing that. Stop giving her the junk questions for lead-ins and complaints.

Healthcare! It's time. Is it time to abolish private health insurance? Looks like... Bill, and Liz? Why do I like them?

Amy Klobuchar is weird and she's dodging the question every time she gets asked. They asked her why she wasn't going to abolish private insurance - she made a beer joke and talked about big pharma. That's... not the answer we were looking for.

Talking with Liz about Medicare for all! They asked her a direct question and she went FULL policy on them! Numbers on medical bills! Numbers on people who do and don't have insurance! I know why we elected her here and it's because she does THAT. (Also nice jacket Liz big ups I like the purple ^^) Healthcare is a human right!

Talking to beto! Let's see if he does THE THING again. He has a good anecdote! I like his opinions on universal healthcare, but he's not signed on for Medicare for all. Good notes on mental health care!!! Thank u!!! and Planned parenthood shoutout! Not replacing private insuranceandthenholYSHITOUTTANOWHEREEVERYONE JUMPED ON IT

TULSI showed up and actually talked some sense. The policy matters are important, but if we're going to stand on a stage arguing about what parts we're doing, we're not getting actionable.

JAY INSLEE COMING OUT SWINGING TO PROTECT ABORTION RIGHTS AND CONTRACEPTION

JULIAN CASTRO TRIED VERY HARD AND I SUPPORT HIM BUT ALSO DROPPING TRANS WOMEN INTO THE DEBATE WASN'T THE RIGHT MOVE

BIG dodge from Liz on the "limitations" on abortion question.

should drug manufacturers be held criminally liable for the opioid crisis? Cory says big yes. I imagine a lot of the candidates will. But, I do like that he's mentioning that arresting your way out of the problem is a huge problem. Beto gets the same question, and starts with aaaaaaaaaaa weed answer but also he has the same god damn point so big support

Immigration after the commercial break! Scores in the first round - Liz lost a point for a lack of full-throttle support for abortion rights. Castro gets the you tried star but also a starbucks gift card for good trans support. Jay Inslee gets some union patches. Beto gets an A- in Spanish class. Bill De Blasio gets a smol flag with ancom stars and a "fuck tankies" t-shirt.

back from the break - let's get to immigration. Specifically, the concentration camps, and the pitable kid pictures.The commentator is trying his best to spit full vitriol at DHS. Castro is banking off his immigration plan, and said "pissed off" on national television. Big ups, but also - he's using executive orders to prop up most of it. Pls say something about legislative reform for the border. Honoring asylum claims! Get them through. Plans for central american refugees! Cory isssssss pulling a Beto and took a DAMN long time to pull it up from his brain. Ending the policies of ICE and bringing back DACA options for current arrivals. Helping the northern triangle and working better with governments in central america. (castro jumped in I'm glad everyone's so support remove 1325 of the nationality act! Don't criminalise desperation! Seperating children is barbaric. and then CORY pulls that out to point at the planned raids this week. I support this discussion but also PLEASE folks stick to point of order. and here's BILL again all but QUOTING A GRANDSON SONG GOD BLESS. I love his tirades but also YOU WEREN'T CALLED ON

TAME ASKED BETO A QUESTION IN SPANISH AND HE'S RESPONDING I NEED AN TRANSLATOR MY SPANISH SUCKS

Beto's the first one to literally say the words no wall. He's still talking and castro's talking OVER HIM. Family case management sounds good but also cost??? Naturalising ALL the DREAMers

Castro is banking off the use of sec.1325 in this debate and I agree with him wholeheartedly. beTO on the other hand is dodging the question like crazy. And Castro's... calling him out on it? I love it!

TOO MUCH YELLING.

JOHN DELANEY KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Amy Klobuchar has opinions about border crossings woo woo. You'd want to make sure that you have provisions in place to go after human and drug traffickers - WE HAVE SECTION 18 OF THE US CODES. annnd now she's talking about CEOs and F1 visas. IDK I mean it's important but also NOT THE QUESTION. But hey, first time someone said anything about legislative support.

who the fuck is Tim Ryan seriously and why the fuCK does he say things with such a weird voice sometimes. HOW DOES HE THINK EXECUTIVE AUTHORITY WORKS HE'S LIKE "order Doctors to go to the borders and save the kids" like I like the idea but what the fuc k?

The cameras keep WHIPPING back and forth and it's cracking me up.

Jay Inslee - there's no reason for detention and separation - but... what're you gonna do to REUNITE PEOPLE. (Also dude Charlie Baker stood up to Trump against the muslim ban and he's a republican) "The other DEEEaayyyy" (Oh he's also the gov. that Trump called out on twitter and "threatened" to send muslim refugees to)

CORY BOOKER DIDN'T RAISE HIS HAND BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TALK WHAT A FUCKER. I SUPPORT THE GRIFT BUT WHAT A FUCKER LOL

They tried to send a Hezbollah question to Tulsi Gabbard and she just drove it straight into the ground. I stan but also wooph. She is the person that folks were saying was in the pocket of the middle east, right? She's like cozy with Assad?

oh my god they had to cut them off with the commercial break

it's a goddamn cage-match of prostration to the base - "LETSSSSS GET READY TO HUMBLLLLLE"

I had to take a break and go get a glass of water jfc I'm getting parched.

CHUCK TODD AND RACHEL MADDOW HAD A TOTALLY SEPARATE DESK AND THEY FUCKING /ZOOMED/ OVER TO IT AT WARP SPEED I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING.

- we're less than 50 miles from Parkland. Assault weapons ban? - EVERYONE'S MICS ARE ON. - EVERYONE'S MICS ARE STILL ON. - EVERYONE, EVERYONE'S MICS ARE STILL ON. LESTER SHUT THE FUCK UP. - TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL FUCK ME DEAD - poor chuck todd but also I'm deceased

alright we're back. More robust plans, and teenage activism. What do you do about the hundreds of millions of guns already out there? - Liz is talking town halls - what's the hardest question? "when you're president, how're you going to keep us safe?" - This is a good response, and she's talking about it in the context of a HEALTH EMERGENCY good FUCKING lord THANK YOU lift the CDC moratorium. Should the fed take guns back? no... no answer to the direct question. But, I support her answer! Thank you for not treating it as an across-the-board answer kind of thing. - Booker has a buy-back programme. I think that's good? But he also said assault rifle so now we gotta shame him or something idk I'm not a fucking gun nut. We've let the gun lobby define the debate! Thank you for also touching on it! - Castro gets a question about active shooter drills, and is it a questions of what he's going to do to turn it around. Also awwww his daughter is in the audience we stan. But also LITERALLY no answer besides "we're gonna take back two of three branches on day one" literally what does that mean. - Tim Ryan is saying stuff about... mental health care for kids scared of shootings and supporting the kids who would do shootings? Wait why am I okay with this thank you. - Beto is about to talk about guns this'll be good. background checks good. gun show sales bad. assault rifles no bueno. red flag laws good. Throw it to the kids? I... guess? - Chuck Todd really wants someone to talk about TAKING YOUR GUNS. - Amy Klobuchar thinks about her uncle who hunts deer idk I mean I guess so also GUNS ARE LIKE GAY MARRIAGE OH BOY.

SENATOR THANK YOU

- We're talking supreme court now but CORY STILL WANTS TO TALK GUNS. Licensing is already a requirement up here in the northeast jfc. - SUPREME COURT - we're going to get to 50 votes in the senate to nominate a justice because stacking the senate lol thanks for at least saying it out in the open. - BILL BILL BILL if you nominate someone for the supreme court would you think TurtleMitch would let you nominate someone but he WANTS TO TALK ABOUT GUNS and police for some reason. Oh right also he has mixed race kids that's actually something he should have leaned on a bit more earlier.

HOW LONG DO THESE PEOPLE THINK 20 SECONDS IS.

- Senator Warren - if TURTLEMITCH is still there whatdoyado. WE ARE A DEMOCRACY. the answer is campaign finance reform to get a democratic majority in the senate. I guess. - Mitch McConnell gets called the fuck out lol - How are folks gonna beat the turtleman we'll never knooooooo - JAY INSLEE TRIED TO INTERRUPT AND THEN RACHEL MADDOW CALLED HIM OUT AND TOSSED HIM A CLIMATE CHANGE QUESTION I'm PISS he then TURNED IT ON MITCH. Also, he's staking his claim on climate change and y'know what I'm totally fine with it. - Climate Emergency! ten points to inslee. - Beto has a good plan for removing the dependency on fossil fuels I like - Chuck Todd all but went full hbomberguy and yelling FUCKING AQUAMAN on stage. - Bonus points to Castro for PUERTO RICO - Also paris accords - both castro and klobuchar have said they'd sign back on

Everyone keeps RAISING THEIR HANDS like they're allowed to yell as soon as they've got their finger up.

Time to punch on Tulsi Gabbard for her shitty stances on queer issues woo woo. Let's see how this goes. CORY BOOKER MY BOY CALLING OUT NOT TALKING ABOUT THE KILLING OF BLACK TRANS WOMEN AND SUICIDES OF QUEER KIDS GOOD TALK GOOD TALK BIG LOVE.

time for VOTED QUESTIONS guy asked if we shouldn't do the rwandan genocide again. Beto literally only knows the Rwandan genocide. Someone say Kosovo and watch his head explode. Bill says some stuff about going to war without congressional approval idk man Ryan made himself look like a big dumb doofy doo in front of two service members on stage lol I don't like Tulsi but GET HIM GIRL and NOW he's SUPER anxious and talking about ATTACKS and shit. Him and Tulsi are gonna eat each other. JFC THIS DEBATE.

Threats, right to left:

(IN AS FEW WORDS AS POSSIBLE, PEOPLE)

Nukes

Trump

Nuclear War

Economic threat - china/actual threat - destabilisation of the middle east.

climate change

climate change

nukes and climate change

china and climate change

china

russia

Beto wants to prosecute Trump. This'll make news tomorrow, mark my words. Not saying he's totally /wrong/, but it's going to be front-page news tomorrow.

45 seconds wrap ups 

GET IT DONE PEOPLE let's see WHO KNOWS HOW TO TELL TIME.

(Ratings are based on the wrap-ups only and are a direct reflection of my mental state and random musings at the time whatever)

Delaney did some neat stuff and said saving the world and unions and shit. 2 reminders, 3 thank-yous. C+

Bill: it matters in the fight for the heart and soul of the party to nominate someone who bad upbring and also WAGE PROMISES. Also free preschool idk man. No reminders! 1 thank-you. B+

Jay Inslee is running because he wants his grandkids to survive climate change. Get committed to making it the top priority. Save ourselves and our children, and our children's children. 1 reminder, 2 thank-yous. B+

Tim Ryan: something about forgotten communities and a throwaway trans comment about running away with the gold and playing offense... he sounds like Jim Webb lol also lET'S PLAY SOME ALPHABET GAMES 3 thank-yous. D-

Tulsi: service above self is what defines the US, but that's not what we have right now. So this must end. "Our White House" 4 times good christ. Lot of random promises and also new??? Century? no reminders 1 thank-you. C+

Julian's is in spanish awesome but also interpreters pls. Also his brother's in congress, too. He wants the nomination but he's probably going to be another housing pick. NO THANK-YOUS :(((  B+ 

Amy: I listen to people. I pass bills. I listened to people and acted. I listen. Listening. I'm someone that can win. Because I listen. I keep winning because I listen. I'm not establishment and I listen. Something about listening. And integrity. 1 thank-you. D+

Cory's family had to move because redlining and he's kinda neat. Lots of lawyering. We win fights by being the best. Stop making it into a high/low fight. This is a referendum on us, and on Trump. I'll show the best of who we are. 1 thank-you. C+

Beto's daughter turned 11 this week and that's cute and also free the kids in concentration camps. We need a new kind of politics directed by the urgency of the nest generation. 2 thank yous A-???

Liz being raised in oklahoma dreamed to be a school teacher, didn't have money for college - and went to commuter college and got involved in law that way. We believe in making government work for everyone. I will fight for you as hard as I fight for my own family. NO THANK YOUS :((( B+

I’m going to do this again for the next few debates, I think? Depending how long my sanity holds out.

today was...a lot. idk, just going to the courthouse after being gone for so long just makes me anxious, because it’s flooded with people and you’re getting bombarded with questions about if you work there (yes) and a bunch of other things. okay but, from the beginning. I woke up to my alarm at 10, got ready and ubered to the courthouse (I really need to talk to the people who handle reimbursement about ubers because they usually refund like $25 for parking when people drive down, but I don’t have that option and my ubers end up being more than that- let my check right now what today’s were- yeah getting there was $21 and going home was $23...and they obviously don’t want us on public transit but I can’t just eat the cost like that every week) then made my way through everything to get to my office and end up just chilling there for a bit, because last time I was here I went to search for the orders to pick up earlier in the day and they were all like “come back at like, 2″ so I wasn’t in a rush to take care of those. working from my work computer now is harder than from my laptop, because I can remote access my work computer from my laptop but can’t get to my laptop from the work computer, so I can’t access half of the stuff I was working on. It’s honestly a giant mess regarding what served where and I know at some point I’ll have to deal with that but right now it’s too unimportant for me to waste time taking care of it. but I did okay, then ended up going on a more or less wild goose case for three different things for three different cases and kept getting bounced from one office to another (either physically or on the phone....so many damn phone calls. and it’s so annoying because I know exactly what happened to cause this mess but if I tried to explain it I know it would make zero sense to anyone else and just further confuse people.....there was this whole big thing about a case last week where like, my coworker and boss were on the phone about like all day trying to fix it, and then I realized this had all happened because I had typed a “2″ as part of a courtroom number instead of “1.” that literally caused so much confusion, and of course my survival instinct knows that they would never actually be able to figure it out, so I just kept my mouth shut, and I did not feel bad at all when it got blamed on the court and the clerk’s office because they’re constantly doing shit like this to make our job’s so much more difficult so th anger would’ve been there anyway. I was thinking while I was at the courthouse that while dealing with courthouse staff (generally either clerks or sheriffs) you have to manage to be somewhere between being polite and not being a pushover. because if you’re just rude AF you’re just going to piss them off and make things worse for yourself, but you can’t be a pushover when forcing them to actually do their job sometimes and have to give some pushback or you would get literally nothing done. I try to balance this by being pleasant but firm during the interaction, then giving a very sweet thank you and assurance that you very much appreciate their help, and that seems to work pretty well. it’s easy to get frustrated in the back and forth though so I have to make sure I don’t display my frustration too much. Sigh. anyway. it was a whole thing and just all over made me feel really stressed. it was nice that I got to see the one sheriff who really likes me, I feel kinda bad because she’s so mean to everyone else but like adores me for some reason haha and she wanted to make sure I got everything I needed, so that was nice to see. while I was alone in the office though I did end up calling the neurologist about the referral to the neurologist who specifies with movement disorders because I’m trying soooooooooooo hard not to be paranoid about this but like......something is wrong in my brain right now. like even beyond the leg shaking and blurry eyesight the cognitive issues have just become really bad. like all the time when Im typing and not thinking about it I can type the word just fine but if I hit the wrong key or something and need to go back and correct it, it’s like my brain is suddenly blank and I have no idea how to actually spell it and giving it my best shot and hoping spell check with save me, and it took me like 3 minutes to write out the last few lines because I kept getting lost on what I was saying and how to word things...and it’s like I can see the correct spelling of the word in my mind but when I go to type it out my fingers just won’t spell it right and I just cannot type out the correct spelling and it’s just....this isn’t fucking normal and if this gets worse and like ends up affecting my work ability I would be absolutely devastated because I really, really don’t need to be dealing with this right now on top of everything and I already have a $3K hospital bill (post insurance, it was $17K originally) from just two nights there and it’s not like I have loaded pockets here to pay out for a ton of healthcare bills.....I just can’t. I forgot if I said this on here already or not, but one night in the hospital, I think it was the second one I got woken up at like 3 am with some nurses in the room that said I was screaming in my sleep.....so that makes it 3 times that’s happened over the last few months, at least that I can recall, anyway. I’m so off topic right now so I need to finish this now. I left the courthouse around 4 so I could finish up some things and ubered home. the rest of the night was pretty normal, ate food and watched Veronica Mars which I actually finished tonight and (BIG SPOILER WARNING) I was SOOOOOOOO FUCKING MAD about how they ended it, like what the actual fuck???? one of the people on twitter that are/were really into the show who found me in the hashtag showed me all this stuff that one of the guys who was running it had made all of these decisions to set up a season 5 that involved canning pretty much the entire cast except Kristen Bell and change the whole tone of the show so there could be raunchy sex seasons and they just couldn’t work with a PI who came home to a husband so OBVIOUSLY they had to kill Logan, and then here we are with no season 5 and hulu has stated they have plans to continue it at this point so all of that bullshit was for nothing and Logan had such a good character arc and he was doing so great in season 4 and for them to just kill him off at the end for literally no reason whatsoever is !!! so fucking maddening!!! Ugh. I’m definitely not at a place where I’m gonna go start looking up fanfic, but I will have my little headcanon where that didn’t happen and they both live happy lives together in Neptune and everything’s great. again, ugh. and after that I started getting ready for bed and now it’s 2:30 in the fucking morning and I’m crashing hard for good reason, so I’m going to take my leave here. Goodnight babes. I can’t believe it’s still Monday because I have no context of days right now, but I hope yours didn’t suck.

3 Ways to Practice Mindfulness and Clear Mental Chatter

Hiya Gorgeous!

What am I going to make for dinner? I can’t believe that guy just cut me off then gave ME the finger! I miss my best friend. Speaking of missing, did I miss a dentist appointment last week? Ugh, I really wish I could get my shit together.

Sound familiar? I’m willing to bet that at least one of these thoughts—or something very similar—has crossed your mind within the last hour.

We do our best on a daily basis to take care of ourselves and others, earn enough to make ends meet, work toward our goals, and maybe even have some fun and take time off once in a while… All while being inundated with a constant barrage of thoughts.

And I’m not just talking about mealtime musings and wondering where you left your keys. It’s also the negative, judgmental, self-defeating words you say to yourself. The nasty stuff that holds you back, depresses you, creates anxiety and a sense of defeat before you even get started!

I know that at times (perhaps more often than not!) your brain might seem like an uncontrollable whirlwind of mental chatter rather than your most powerful tool. But I promise it doesn’t take a neuroscience degree to harness your fabulous noggin.

Wellness Starts with Your Mind

In last week’s blog post, we talked about my 5 pillars of wellness—what you’re eating, drinking and thinking, and how you’re resting and renewing. Today I’m kicking off a series in which we’ll further explore each of the pillars.

I couldn’t think of a better place to start than with your magnificent mind. First, we’re going to unpack the truth behind negative thoughts and why they tend to be the loudest. Then I’ll demystify what it really means to take care of your mind by sharing some lessons to help simplify your mindfulness practice and clear out mental chatter.

But first, there’s something I need to get off MY mind!

It feels like I’ve got ants in my pants because I’m just so dang excited for this announcement. It’s FINALLY here—the launch of my brand new membership community: Inner Circle Wellness!

*Cue gleeful happy dance!*

And here’s some awesome news: I’m hosting a live coaching class THIS Thursday, September 19 at 3 p.m. ET to give you a sneak peek at all of the amazing benefits of this membership community, plus some must-have tips for simplifying your wellness routine and creating lasting change. Trust me, you don’t wanna miss this one, tootsie. RSVP below!

3 Mindset Shifts to Help You Clear Mental Chatter and Cultivate Positivity

If the tens of thousands of thoughts we have every day aren’t distracting enough, research shows that our brains tend to reach for and dwell on the negative more often than the positive (this is known as negativity bias).

Negativity bias does serve an evolutionary purpose, for example: we learn not to touch the stove again because that unpleasant OUCH came through loud and clear. At the same time, the gloomy/limiting/self-deprecating/etc. thoughts often end up crowding out the good ones. And that can make it pretty tough to cultivate the mental clarity and positivity you need to live a vibrant, healthy life.

I know it may not always feel like it, but you do have the power to influence what goes on in your head. That’s what the thinking pillar is about—noticing your thoughts and learning to gently guide them. Let’s chat about a few ways to do that!

1. You don’t need a trust fund to take care of yourself.

Self-care sure is a hot topic these days. And while I love that we’re talking about the need to slow down and nourish our souls, I think its true meaning has gotten a bit lost. Self-care is not about getting a massage on a private yacht in the Aegean. Or even taking an entire day off to get your nails done and take a bubble bath. It’s actually much simpler (and more affordable) than that.

Self-care is healthcare. It’s a daily practice, not a once-in-a-while treat. And when we’re talking about it within the context of the thinking pillar, that means taking the time to pause and be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break from the mental chatter. Get to know that brilliant spirit of yours, because she (or he/they/your preference) is such good company. No yachts or big bucks required.

2. You don’t need tons of time, silence or an altar to meditate.

It’s no secret that I swear by the power of meditation. I’ve recorded two albums of my own (here and here) and my personal practice has truly changed my life. It’s a big part of building the thinking pillar, which is why monthly meditations are one of the many treats you’ll enjoy as an Inner Circle Wellness member!

But there’s a common misconception about meditation that I want to clear up. I’m talking about the idea that to meditate the “right way” you must sit in silence for 20+ minutes every day. Listen up: There is no right way to meditate.

Meditation, above all else, is about meeting yourself where you are. Take a deep breath. Whisper a positive mantra to yourself. Meditate for 2 minutes while you do the dishes. Do what you can and ta-da, you’re a meditator, honey! Remember: You can find peace in your own mind, no matter where you are.

3. The most expensive real estate you’ll ever own is in your mind.

Remember what I said about the tens of thousands of thoughts running through your mind every day? Well, just because there are a lot of ‘em doesn’t mean space is unlimited! Think of your brain as the precious natural resource it truly is. It’s wise and deep beyond understanding, yet innocent and vulnerable at the same time. Protect it with every ounce of your being.

A lot of the mental chatter that fills up this valuable real estate is junk. Thoughts that dim your shine. Beliefs that keep you small. Sometimes they have something to reveal to you, so hear them out. Then send them packing, because you’re clearing out space for something bigger, better and far more beautiful.

Everything you need to care for yourself—mind, body and spirit.

I hope these lessons help you build the thinking pillar in your own life, dear one. Remember that this is a process—a mind isn’t changed in a day. If you want to continue working on this together, I hope you’ll consider joining Inner Circle Wellness. I would love to share my wisdom, knowledge and support with you.

Helping you cultivate positivity and clear mental chatter is at the heart of this membership. I encourage you to visit this page to get all of the juicy deets because there’s way too much goodness to share here. And remember that the special Founder’s Rate discount—40% off the subscription FOREVER—is only available this week. I can’t wait to welcome you to the community!

Your turn: I hope today’s lessons serve as a gentle reminder that your thoughts create your reality. With that in mind, what reality do YOU want to create? It can be a small step (I want to get to bed by 10 p.m. at least 3 nights this week) or a bigger shift (I want to start writing that novel I’ve been dreaming about for years). Share in the comments below so we can support each other!

Peace & mental clarity,

The post 3 Ways to Practice Mindfulness and Clear Mental Chatter appeared first on KrisCarr.com.

Women who are forced from their homes are particularly vulnerable.

They have specific health needs that are exacerbated when they are displaced, but women on the move lose access to healthcare.

They may fall pregnant and give birth, and are at risk of complications that can be fatal.

I witnessed this in 2017 when I first started working among the Rohingya women as part of an emergency team of Doctors Without Borders, known in French as Medecins Sans Frontieres (MSF).

We were deployed across the Cox’s Bazar district in Bangladesh to respond to the unprecedented exodus of around 700,000 Rohingya refugees fleeing persecution in neighbouring Myanmar’s Rakhine state.

For my three-week emergency mission, I was tasked to assess the needs of the newly-arrived refugees. Sexual, reproductive and maternal healthcare was desperately needed at that time.

I returned to Bangladesh in March 2019 as Head of Mission, three months after MSF had marked the provision of one million consultations to refugee and host community populations in Cox’s Bazar.

This number is not to be celebrated, however. If anything, it revealed what more needs to be done, and what problems persist.

A discovery that particularly struck me was the small number of consultations MSF provided for maternal deliveries and antenatal care.

Our teams were only able to assist 2,192 births in one year, while antenatal consultations made up only 3.36% (35,392) of our total consultations.

This shows that most pregnant women in the refugee camp deliver their babies at home.

They do so with the help of traditional birth attendants, which is not necessarily a problem in itself. However, conditions in their homes are precarious for childbirth.

They live in makeshift houses made of loosely-woven bamboo with dirt floors in an overcrowded camp.

Water has to be brought in from sources outside the home, sometimes requiring a long walk. Toilet facilities are also communal.

Such conditions can pose health risks for the mother and child, aside from other possible complications that can arise from childbirth.

Complicated deliveries can be difficult to manage because women have to make their own way to a health structure.

A woman in labour will probably have to be carried over slippery and hilly trails, usually on a chair slung between two poles, to the nearest health facility, which can be at a considerable distance.

It is trickier at night when the paths are not lit and the woman may have to wait until daybreak.

It can take hours before she arrives at a health structure, which puts her life and that of her baby at risk.

MSF teams work in the community to inform women and their families of the availability and importance of free quality maternity services.

This is done in order to encourage women to access reproductive healthcare.

We also make sure that our services facilitate their safe delivery with privacy and dignity, or their transfer to more specialised structures when they require advanced care.

Before I knew it, my stint as Head of Mission was over. I leave knowing that the work is far from finished.

The refugees will be there for the foreseeable future, and we will have to continue caring for them to restore as much of their dignity as we can.

A personal challenge for me is to directly witness the situation of the Rohingya in Bangladesh and see no resolution to their suffering.

They are caught between a rock and a hard place – living in sub-optimal conditions in Bangladesh and unable to go home to Myanmar because they do not feel safe there.

It is a complex problem that requires a political solution.

It can be disheartening to support a population in distress whose main problem you cannot fix.

What stands out to me leaving Bangladesh is the strength of the Rohingya people in the camps.

I am reminded that we must continue to highlight their situation so that the world does not forget that there are almost one million human beings stuck in limbo in the hills of Cox’s Bazar.

Dr Reyes was first sent to Cox’s Bazar in 2017, and later returned as mission head in March 2019. She is seen here in Liberia in 2014 when she coordinated MSF’s medical response against the Ebola outbreak. — MSF

Dr Natasha Reyes is currently the MSF Hong Kong Operations Support Unit director. She has been with MSF since 2007 as a field doctor for emergency and unstable contexts. Those interested to join MSF as a medical or non-medical field worker, can go to their website and find out how to join as every year, MSF sends around 3,000 international field workers to work alongside 32,000 locally hired staff in countries around the world to provide emergency medical assistance to people whose survival is threatened by armed conflict, epidemics, malnutrition, exclusion from health care or natural disasters.

from Family – Star2.com http://bit.ly/2X0E0aw

Winston Churchill and the British Fear of History

This piece is adapted from a broadcast of All the Rage due to be played on Trax FM on 20 February 2019.  It will then be available for streaming and download; I thought it was worth putting into a readable piece too but please excuse the tone if it sounds like a radio show.

Sometimes when the deadline for a radio show approaches, I can be rather panicked.  It can be a struggle to address interesting subjects in the right detail, or at the right time and I often have weeks wandering around stressing about what we should talk about.

This is not one of those weeks; because often, especially in Britain, anything from a serious issue to a seriously-not one drops into my lap from the wider world and our wonderful media - this week it has been that ghost of British history’s appalling past in the shape of one of Britain’s worst sons, Mr Winston Churchill.

The reason he is back in the news is because a few people recently have mentioned how he was not a wonderful person unlike his historical profile; the one getting the most attention is Labour Shadow Chancellor John MacDonnell, who was asked if Winston Churchill was a hero or villain; he replied villain and qualified this as being based in his actions as part of the Tonypandy riots. It caused the usual bullshit response from the usual people and lots of pathetic apologetic behaviour too.

Personally I wish they ha asked me because my response to Churchill would cause mass pearl-clinching hysteria in these circles no doubt.

Now, this will not be a biography on the bloke; I am not going to note his school life, every position he ever held or what so-and-so said about him. This is about facing some of Britain’s most terrible history and how it affects life in the country today – and what position Churchill takes in all this.

Straight out the gate, he is my position:

I hate Winston Churchill.   I hate the things he believed, the things he did based on those beliefs and how he holds a heroic position in much of British culture.  As a working class political activist and believer in the importance of knowing our history, he is a figure of oppression. As an active anti-racist, he is a figure of evil.  He is class privilege personified and someone who has become a Jesus-like figure to the far right and centre and an example of the cultural inertia we face today.

More importantly, I hate the way it has become taboo to raise any question about him or anything about the Second World War, including setting certain facts straight.

If you are someone who feels saying such things about people like him or feel any criticism of the generation he supposedly represents is not acceptable, we will never agree but I would ask you to listen and hear a totally different view that while perhaps repellent to you, is sincerely held and formed.

Churchill represents so much that I hate about British culture and society and he was a terrible man.  Let’s look at his worst hits:

Racism – Churchill was a white supremacist and is today considered a hero by people who have the same opinions.  He saw Indians, whom he starved and Kurds, who he wanted to gas as ‘beastly people’ of a lesser worth and talked of wiping out the Japanese.

Whites were a stronger race according to him; better than blacks or quote ‘red Indians’ and this justified taking their place an land, mass slaughter, etc.  Ironically for his modern supporters, he had more respect for Islam then they like to admit but one does not cancel out all the others.

He was also not opposed to fascism; he in fact had admiration for Franco in Spain and spoke admiringly of Mussolini in Italy.

Famine – most acts of mass starvation are caused by human action and Churchill was fundamental to the Bengal famine in India where 4 million or more died and it is estimated the Indian population suffered the equivalent of a loss up to 100 million.

Ireland – he suppressed Irish people, their culture and anyone who believed in independence including sending the brutal Black and Tans to subject the population to violent suppression, with thousands killed during the War of Independence.

Miners – during the miner strike of 1910-11, where strikers attempted to improve their terms and conditions that were being kept deliberately low.  Mr Churchill decided to send in the troops and many in the working class community and especially Wales have never forgiven him.

He was a racist, extremist and enemy of the working class – simple as that.  He was totally led by ego and getting his name into the history books just like some of his political decedents, although most of them have not managed to rack up the bodies that Winston has on him.

This of course feeds into the subservient attitude of today’s British (or more specifically English) culture that detests change and difference and while refusing to show decency and respect to so many types of people and viewpoints, demands obedience to the things they hold dear – such as war and dominating other parts of the world.

Every far right group, politician or general gobshite uses the war and ‘respect’ for soldiers as a shield usually for their own racism or similar hatred.  It is a mindset like many religions or cults try to enforce – of not thinking or questioning what you are told.  This foul representative of the ruling order somehow becomes a ‘man of the people’ through the power and privilege bestowed upon him by his class position.

In the modern context, we now see ludicrous comparisons with Brexit to the ‘Blitz spirit’ and a need to believe in Britain to get what you want; this was of course what won World War 2 and nothing to do with the Soviet army smashing the shit out of the Nazis at the expense of around 27 million soldiers and civilians on their part.

Worse, some people seem to like the idea of the Blitz; when bomber planes randomly took out houses and people every night; this is something that can only be thought by the dangerously ignorant and disconnected, not to mention a great insult to those who survived it, not to mention those not so lucky.

Winston Churchill did not win WW2; he did not even fight in it.  He toured the sites of warfare after the bodies were cleared away and after the war, when the British electorate put him out of a job, he spent time writing himself into the history books; in fact many of his quotes are quite useful here – ‘history will be kind to me for I intend to write it’.

What he did is make speeches calling for unity and strength, which he acted on by leading a coalition government.  But this was his job and not the only speeches he made.  He also praised Mussolini, Franco and even seems to have admiration for Hitler.  In fact his view as we noted earlier is that fascism was only a problem if it invaded Britain; it could do what it liked on the continent.

Winston Churchill did not save Britain in the war; everyday people fought, planned, sacrificed and died.  Most importantly, the generation who fought in the war knew this.

Post-WW2: Birth of the Welfare State

The generation that fought in the war, who we lionise more than we ever talked to, had far less delusions about Winston Churchill; so much in fact that upon returning home and perhaps remembering how badly the returnees from WW1 had been treated, they demanded a better country to live in with a welfare state that took care of it’s people rather than privileged the rich.

Churchill was up for none of this – so they voted him out.  A ruling class thug could never bring himself to allow the rabble to have any control over their own lives nor the country they had just fought for.

Fortunately the Labour Party was offering free healthcare via the NHS and all the benefits of a decent welfare system that treated people with decency and respect – and fortunately for all of us, the public voted for it.

Churchill’s Cheerleaders

Boris Johnson – this bell-end has written a book on the man and has nothing but unqualified and uncritical praise.  For those of you not in the know, Boris Johnson is another egotistical upper class prick who has come into politics as his birthright – he is also utterly useless and never takes responsibility for his actions; sound familiar?

During the last week, when it was announced that the budget for a planned garden bridge that was never build during his time as London Mayor ran to £53 million of public funds, you would think the media might have been chasing him over this and a few other gaffs.  But no, he was able to flap about John MacDonnell and the great insult to daddy Winston.  Talk about a snowflake.

Also like Churchill, our Bodger Boris loves to indulge in racism such as against Muslim women and their ‘letterbox’ face vales, or claiming that when President Obama said Britain would not get preferential treatment for trade deals upon leaving the EU, that he was motivated by his ‘Kenyan roots’ to ‘hate Britain’ – so at least Boris has some understanding of British history.

Jacob Rees-Mogg – the living epitome of class privilege and the awful right wing politics that goes with it.  Old Jacko cuts a ludicrous figure and that is probably the most dangerous thing about him; for like Mr Johnson he comes across as someone not to take seriously – but we really should.

Along with his retro-views on women and LGBT rights, he loves the Victorian era and was once exposed attending a dinner hosted by The Traditional Britain Group, who among other things feel no one non-white can be British and advocates other ethno-nationalist themes.  They have advocated for the deportation of non-whites including Doreen Lawrence. They also hosted Simon Heffer and Richard Spencer as speakers.  

His recent hit was to claim that the British invention of concentration camps during the Boar War was for their own safety and all those who died were just part of what happened years ago when more people just died…this was part of his answer to the question of Churchill.

All of which slots nicely into his hard right political position

Sadiq Khan – I don’t like to take a pop at the London Mayor as in a lot of ways I like him; but he is a centrist and on issues like this, he is a little too cautious for my liking; not perhaps a cheerleader but part of those who have equally failed to tackle the true meaning and human weight of the actions that Churchill committed.

While co-hosting a regular phone-in last week on LBC Radio, the question came up and he talked about understanding Churchill ‘in context’. What exactly the context for understanding a mass murderer who hated non-whites and the working class is, Sadiq did not go on to note sadly.

In fact this liberal unease at condemning Winston Churchill is probably more disgusting that the right wing open praise and hero worship; after all, it is their nature to cheer a right wing white supremacist whose actions led to the death of thousands – what’s your excuse liberal boy?

No doubt it relates to the hatred in liberal centrist circles for the left; during the Blair and Brown years they thought the political inevitably of capitalist realism meant we had been cast into history forever.  But that is not the case and they have been having daily breakdowns ever since Corbyn became Labour Party leader.

Perception

Earlier I referred to the perception of Winston Churchill in this country and what I am specifically talking about is how he has become an icon who cannot be criticised; when people do criticise him, responses can range from complete dismissal of you as a person to outright death threats.

But it was not always such because once again we have seen a cultural movement that has taken even more drastic hold in the last thirty years’ class war.

Despite what media and modern discourse might have you believe, it is not uncommon – and was more so for the war generation – to find working class communities and people who have no time for Winston Churchill, my family included. He was seen as the elitist rich boy he was and all the things he did were informed by that and the need to preserve the status quo.  People from Wales to India have no trouble assessing him based on everything he did, not just his hyped-up war record.

So many of the ideals of the far right come from Churchill; his belief in the lesser worth of other nations’ people and religions; his belief in mass slaughter; that ethnicities like Indian people ‘bread like rabbits’ and even closer to home, his contempt for the Irish and working class in general.

Subservience

All of this is also tied into British history in regards Empire and all the evils done there.  Too much of English-dominated society either does not want to face this history, or has no problem with it; this is the reason for racism, xenophobia and the silly idea of English exceptionalism

Now I have my theories about why this is but none of them are complete so I may have to conclude with a question rather than an answer; why are people so subservient to power?  We can look nationally, in which case no doubt it involves the class system but then America is just as bad if not worse.  They of course have a class system that is rarely talked about traditionally but also the overt worship of position in hierarchy, which they probably inherited from the British.  It does not matter how you got power, just that you have it.

So is it a western problem?  Not entirely although that may be a particular type but plenty of countries in Africa, Asia, Latin America, anywhere you choose to mention has a love of ‘strong man’ leaders.

But then again many other parts of the world – from Europe to wider – have also had working class-led revolutions and Britain has not.

Recently Lord Finkelstein – a Tory Lord – published a piece in The Times saying that Churchill was a racist and life-long white supremacist.  Even someone on the political opposite gets this, so what’s the problem?

Conclusion

Winston Churchill was one of the worst people Britain ever produced who cynically wrote himself into history as a more important man than he was.

I feel no affinity to country or nation and I will not surrender my critical faculties for anyone especially a self-serving member of the elite.

This brings us back to the culture war again and links into wider blathering about ‘Western Civilisation’ and how anything foreign (read non-white or Jewish) is degrading the greatness of our beloved culture – that would be the thing whose biggest exports in the last 20/25 years have been a game show about becoming a millionaire and a supposed-talent show about torturing my ears. ‘Western Culture’ is again a concept with roots in colonialism, anti-Semitism and racist assumptions about impurity brought about by mixing.  

As Owen Jones pointed out, our rights and freedoms were not given to us but won by everyday civilians demanding them; suffragettes, trade unionists, political campaigners and today kids striking for the future of the planet.

The hero worship of Winston Churchill is a way of airbrushing out the work done by all these people; real people like you and me who give and gave everything as oppose to Churchill who only ever acted for himself.  Hero worship and patriotism will get you nowhere and require wiping out large swaths of actual fact and history in order to make your side look better – a side to which you have added nothing, merely been born into and taken for granted that you have a right to certain things above others.

Now, for the first time in my life, we have the chance to really change society – to make life better with stronger rules and laws governing working; the opportunity for a foreign policy that does not involve terrorising weaker countries; to make life more equal and demand those with the most pay their way. We also need to get with the programme in regards climate change otherwise we will not be here much longer.

Ditch the worshipping of anyone but especially these appalling establishment toads.  The class war has not managed to destroy us despite throwing everything at the job; now we need to stop doing it for them.

Recommendations

Winston Churchill by Clive Ponting (Sinclair-Stevenson, 1994)

A far more honest and comprehensive study of the man’s career

Contrpoints video on The West was very informative and funny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyaftqCORT4

How I became a woman, when I wished I was a boy

This is my experience as a girl, growing into a woman in the American midwest in a small college town.  I know I am complicit in everything that happens to me in my life, and responsible for my own health and happiness.  I have always held those beliefs, which actively worked to disarm me of knowing to seek real support, I believe.  This is not an essay, this is just stream of consciousness to help me through today.  After a lot of reflection, I’ve chosen to make this public, in case there is a girl who doesn’t feel at home in her body who might have a shared experience, who could benefit from knowing she’s not alone.

This is not a judgement of anyone but myself and how the world looked to a girl that grew up without accessible role models or accessible emotional support her entire life.  I was raised by television, books, comics and the internet in the 90′s.  I desperately wished I was a boy.    

These are a fraction, just events that I most consciously can remember off the cuff:

Age 6: Not allowed to play video games when boys want to play them. I loved video games. When doing well, sabotaged.  I start spending most of my time alone.  This will be my pattern for the rest of my life.  I take it as a challenge, and am comfortable standing up for myself as the boys do to each other to earn respect.  It works okay, I get to play without being shit on. I start identifying more with boys than girls, because I know in my heart I will not be tread on.

Age 9:  My period.  Boys tell me they want to take baths with me.  Girls ask me to show my breasts at sleepovers and exclaim, “EEEWWW” when I agree.  I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Every look in the mirror made me feel cold terror at the form I did not recognize.  My heart begins breaking when I realize I truly don’t fit in, with boys or girls.  I notice my precociously large breasts being stared at by older men.  I am diagnosed with IBS, I have difficulty everywhere we go, I am sometimes incontinent.  I stop going to sleepovers.

Age 10:  I dress exclusively like a boy now.   I hate my body has changed the rules on who I am and why it invites criticism when I engage in things I love (playing outside with bugs, video games, playing cops and robbers with my male neighbors, getting to talk excitedly about something, being outside alone). I was the first girl in my grade to get her period, I was so different to the rest of the girls.

Age 11:  I relate to no one, hiding in oversized clothes I begged to get from the boys department.  I get a rush when someone mistakes me for a boy.  I experiment with packing things in my jeans to pretend I have a penis.  I start doing it in public.  My sexual feelings are confused, my sexual dreams are about dominating women, as this is my only exposure to sexuality from porn on the internet. I didn’t want to be seen as trash like the women in porn.  I spent all my time talking to older men on the internet through online games, pretending I am 21 and sometimes male for human interaction.  

Age 12:  I walk home from school every day after harassment from boys on the bus.  Trying to hold my breasts and asking me if I’m a virgin.  Strangers react to me walking alone almost daily.  At least weekly, it is sexual.  From older men and boys my age alike.  Disgusting things yelled from cars, offers for rides.  I didn’t understand why the harassment continued when I was obviously acting like boys do.  My IBS worsens, I have my first colonoscopy.  My parents divorce.

Age 13:  I dye my hair black and start wearing dark clothes to instill a sense of strength and to keep people from talking to me.  It works for the most part. I feel safer in my nonconformity.

Age 14:  I realize I want to fit in, want friendships and boyfriends, start dressing as a female.  I excel at classes and am unusually talented at music. I have my first kiss and shortly after, raped for the first time after a date to the arcade.

Age 15: I become hypersexual, I don’t understand why and loathe myself for my feelings.  This is the only time I have received any sustained attention (neglectful home environment, raised on the internet.)  I am used by my male friends, and disapproved of by my female friends. A lot of the misfortunate was my lack of experience with friendship and personal boundaries.  My family had no family friends, even.  I spend most of my time alone in my room on my computer.  The rest of the time, in the cars of various boyfriends.  The rest of the time, sobbing myself to sleep most nights.  

Age 16-26: The cycle continues. Digestive issues are life-altering, I have several colonoscopies that show no physical causes.  I drink too much, play in bands, date other emotionally stunted people in efforts to “save” them, take a few tries at college, try over and over again and fail to define myself as self-sufficient or even as a true woman.  I throw myself at trying to be a pillar for my family to heal the dysfunction, and continually fail.  Many relationships, one with an alcoholic that eventually beat me. 

Age 24: I suddenly ended a marriage engagement to an old-fashioned “modern” boy that was essentially indentured servitude, in order to earn the love of his (seemingly) supportive family.  Everything I did to express myself as a human was a threat to his abilities and status. I was alone in a house, isolated in the country.  I stopped expressing myself.

I had felt so powerless and disgusting  that I felt this was my only chance to keep myself off the streets, as I was unable to maintain any life that would lead to stability for longer than a couple of years.  I manage to land an interview for a difficult job, and I got the offer.  It was scary, my first chance at performing in society in a position that would, for once, earn me respect.  My fiancé strongly encourages me not to take the job, that it would be too stressful.  I take it anyway.  I leave him shortly after he is openly unsupportive.  He hated that my wage was the same as his, even though he had been at this job for 5 years.  

I knew in my heart I was angry at myself, but it seemed so necessary to adopt the social messages that I needed to acquiesce to everyone’s ideas and needs in order to be loved.  Every single male I had dated, which most were liberal, considered feminism hateful and frivolous in a modern age.  When they would use me and toss me aside, sometimes they would cycle my name with “whore” or “crazy” to their friends and send me hateful text messages reminding me that I’m a slut and their abuse was my fault.  I felt that feminism might help me somehow, I just had no idea how.

Finally, I found the right words to express what was happening to me: rape culture, sexism, hate, disdain, projection, fear, trauma, neglect, abuse, powerlessness.  I finally am healing.

Woman is an oppressed class.  Woman is not a feeling, it was a reality I did not get to choose, and in which without role models, media was a destructive, insidious force.  The public reinforced the idea that I am property and don’t deserve to feel safe outside.  My male friends (with my self-hating, unknowing permission) made me an object, and projected their feelings of hatred on me as my own character flaws (real or imagined, I was performing for love and validation).  My female friends resented the attention that I didn’t seemingly earn, and my character was never defended by anyone, least of all myself.  I agreed with all of their criticism, willingly to them and felt like a defective person.  I wanted to die every day.

I’m 28 now, and I am still somehow a happy loving girl to this day.  All I ever wanted was love and company, and boys would often tell me way too early they loved me in order to have sex with me, because I would pour my honest heart out and say that I could only be that close to someone who truly loves me.  I believed it, but I didn’t understand I was using sex as a bridge to intimacy, as I had never learned it from my family life.

I accept now that I am a very feminine looking woman, and that may have had a hand in my confusion from the very beginning.  I didn’t choose my large breasts, or my hips, or my big blue eyes, curly hair or smooth pale skin.  I didn’t choose to be smaller than everyone I know.  I didn’t choose to be weaker.  To have a childish voice.  To be brilliant.  Every message to me was that my beauty could be my power, if only I did it right.  Instead, it was a weapon against me, as all of my self worth was involved in things about me that don’t have shit to do with me as a human being.  I naturally looked like the porn stars boys wanted.  This led to my worth to them being about on par.  A slut that must have sex, because she is too weak to stand on her own as a person with self worth.  This was made worse by my artistic abilities and intelligence.  People felt my abilities were a waste on me, and I agreed with them.

So what changed?

I would never understand this all in context if I hadn’t become very suddenly ill a year ago.  My oppression continued when I went to healthcare professional after healthcare professional.  Nurses, doctors, specialists, heads of departments.  I am fortunately well-connected in health care in my area, due to the tireless work and hard-earned accomplishments of my strong, stubborn, witheringly intelligent mother.

But despite my class privilege in health care, I was -immediately- told my symptoms were psychosomatic and that I would only improve on antidepressant medication.  This was with only a blood panel and physical examination by a family doctor.  All of my appointments took place in the midwest, in both small towns and large cities. What this physician did not know, is that I have been following advice for a decade on antidepressant medication and mental health care.  I had been medicated on at least a handful of different antidepressant and antipsychotic meds, either leading to “just” strong feelings of disassociation, depersonalizing sedation to strong, unprecedented suicidal ideation weeks after starting one particular medication.  I was so shocked by her recommendation I wept…  I begged, “I’m falling in the shower, something isn’t right.  Please just believe me, there must be tests.  I’m not saying you’re wrong, I want you to be right, but what if something is seriously wrong and we miss it?”

I realized that my whole life, the invasive scopes into my anus and down my throat, the rough physical exams on me, the medicalization of my pain, the removal of my appendix without appendicitis when I went to the ER because of what was later discovered to be an ovarian cyst after they opened me up…  My digestive issues WERE stress.  I had no caretaker at home, only a breadwinner… She loved me so completely, but was also raised in this hell.

I finally understood that my very real suffering as a woman was being made to be my fault, that all of those physical and emotional signs of distress were self-inflicted.  They weren’t, they were from external factors that we do not name. Normalization of the rape and dismissal of the lived experiences of girls and women. I felt if I spoke out, no one would believe me because I was already a slut.

 Medication cannot cure external factors, only numb our internal response.  It’s almost too heartbreaking of a truth for us to accept when we have women in our lives we love and respect.  That there is someone who does not know the women in your life like you do, and will use their assumptions informed by culture to continue the cycle of silent, unknowing invalidation and dehumanization.  Of having no words or platform to understand her experience.

I can’t describe how much I have wept.  This began a year long journey to find the one medical test that would prove to any professional that my lived experience was real, and that I was genuinely frightened for my life.  Not of dying, but of living in any sort of semblance to the way that I had taken for granted before.... Going to the store, having the energy to wash my hair or drive.  To think or feel.  I was unable to work like I have done since I was 14.  I could not stand at the sink anymore to brush my teeth, my mother placed stools all over the house so my legs would not collapse under me as I struggled for breath.  

I used my life savings and much of my mother’s money to go to specialist after specialist who asked if I had tried anxiety medication.

It finally hit me one day what those specialists saw…  A very small, beautiful privileged white girl who couldn’t keep up with the demands of having everything she could possibly want or need (in their mind.)  A fragile, weak person that is psychologically unable to handle life, and must have her words reinterpreted through their much more reliable knowledge and experience of a life lived completely differently than mine.  I do believe everyone wanted the best for me.

I only recovered through healthy eating and slow, slow, slow exercise to retrain my weak body to carry itself.  In the end, I was diagnosed with a heart arrhythmia and hypertension.  Just names for symptoms, not a reason.  After slow, unspeakably isolating and sad months of struggling with even believing MYSELF, I finally released I was placing everything on needing medical validation to prove that I was ill and failing.  Finally, finally I realized that you do NOT need to prove your suffering to anyone but YOURSELF.  Because it is only you, no one else, who is ultimately responsible for saving you.

In the end, I had to do what I have always done: hide in a secret place and slowly make myself a whole person again, out of the eyes of a society that gives everyone the right to have an opinion on my existence without really hearing my words to describe it.  The life I had struggled to build around me slipped away.  And… it was a wonderful thing.

I found freedom.  I can run around the block now.  I have finally used my deep, natural talents to make music and art that is from inside my heart, no one else’s.  And it is good.  And I am loved now, after daring to love myself.

Through tears, I thank you for reading this.  Anyone.

I am alive for the first time in my life.  Thank you to everyone who came and struggled before me.  I know it is better than it has ever been before for someone like me.  But it is still so, so hard.  For everyone, male or female.  But especially girls.  I so seldom see any evidence that others have been through something like I have, and I want to change that in case there are others..

We can be free to be humans, as women.  Don’t abandon womanhood, it is oppressed because it can never be understood unless you experience it.  Fight for it.