#feeling this again 8 hours later
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um, you guys, is this true????
#like. this is just lying right. everyone says um????#im sort of working on my linguistics homework. still struggling really bad. but writing about homogenization of the midwestern accent#(and the shift toward ‘‘general american english’’ facilitated by the ‘‘information age’’)#but again i just literally don’t know anything??#plus the websites that i’m reading are i’m pretty sure lying to me?? i don’t really trust this one it feels fake#also midwesterner input appreciated how often do you hear the monophthongal ‘‘o’’ vowel sound (the minnesohhta o) and in what age groups?#anyway this is a 1000 word paper due in 8 hours and i only just started. so. help#so wish me luck!!!! college is impossible and i don’t know what i’m doing here but here is where i am#me. my post. mine.#delete later#college talk
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It’s hitting now that there are people I really like hanging out with who I may never see again.
#one of the second years whose not coming back nest year#said see you later to me. and then was like. wait I will see you later right. you’ll be back this week ect. and like well yeah well probably#see eachother again this week or next. but there’s some other people I’m not so sure about. and like. we aren’t super close. but I spend lik#e 8-10 hours a day 6 days a week with them. we are good friends I think. and some of them I might never see again already. no real goodbye..#uhh I almost preferred graduating in 2020. this slow burn of that feeling is less fun
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#cried myself to sleep#and now I woke up and crying again#dear brain why??????#missed a class#also slept like 8 hours I think but woke up feeling like I pulled an allnigter#probably will delete later
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yesterday i saw rina sawayama live and it was SO fun but today i feel like i've been hit with a truck and that's less fun
#i left home yesterday at 7 am and came back today at 8 am. pain and agony etc.#it was a 6h train ride + then i went to a museum + later i went for a drink with my friends + then we went to the concert#and after the concert we had to wait 4h for our train 🙃#and after another 6 hours i was back home#NEVER doing that again agjsdjsdj i feel like i might collapse#everything hurts and i have a headache and feel dizzy#worth it tho sgjdfjs rina was amazing !!#k.txt
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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i#want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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i'm so good at visual aids. am i gonna die if this is how i've been sleeping
#i genuinely thought i was gonanbahve a stroke yesterday or something#i genuinely could've slept from like#4pm again but i stayed up til 8.#also i'm so tired rn i'll probably go to sleep in like the next hour and a half it's only 3pm!!!!! i have been awake 11 hours ....#i mean it's fine probably#i only had that first sleep from 4 to midnight after staying up for like. 36 hours#but then a 4 hour nap only 8 hours later feels insane .#and then another proper sleep another 8 hours later 😭
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and on that note i need to go write sljfksdf technically i have another exam to study for and technically i’m at work right now but. you know. lunch break is coming up so. that’s something
#little tricky to get a moment to do absolutely anything now i've got 8 hours of work + 5-6 hours of study time a day#obviously i am not 100% focused on either during those hours XD but setting aside time to do a hobby or socialize instead of#multi-tasking at work/study is a bit difficult#and i simply cannot write if i can't set aside time without distractions#so this is. this is not an ideal situation lol#i do not know how other people do it i am once again looking at the people i know who are doing work and school AND friends AND#hobbies. and feeling very inferior XD#me rambling#delete later
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What is it about internal pain that hurts so much more than external pain :c
#rant#asterisk here that i think some people find external pain hurts more#just like. man. i can walk off a tackle. i can limp away with a bruise the size of my head#i dont even feel a slice across my skin externally after a second#which is why i dont realize oh shit i have a cut till i shower later and find a 10 inch long cut down my calf oops#but. internal? god my internal pain SO bad a muscle relaxer. a nerve pain med#and max dose ibprofen and tylenol dont do SHIT#pain so bad that when the pain stops i literally fall s#asleep wherever i am cause the pain relief is so Nice my body is exhausted and just goes to sleep at the chance#i wish bodies let me TURN THE INTERNAL PAIN OFF#like YES body! you alerted me! i get it! im injured somewhere inside! stop telling me now!#its hard to treat it when simply existing hurts so fucking much!#anyway my backs been 8-9/10 pain for a month now and i did ab exercises yesterday#in a desperate attempt to relieve pain after lidocaine patch and muscle relaxer and ibprofen didnt help#and i woke up today at 6 am to period cramps.#and somehow. those period cramps hurt MORE then my back pain#to the point my body didnt even register the back pain. then i took ibprofen for the period#(and 800 mg worked eventually thank fuck) and now i feel the backpain nonstop again great -.-#(to be fair i have. excessively bad period cramps mormally. like make you wanna chainsaw off your abdomen#downward bad level cramps. scream for an hour in super hot bath water with 800 mg ibprofen and a muscle#relaxer pain levels. ToT
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fuck sleep
#tiny talking#like is there sowmthing thay actually helps. i havent tried melatonin but i smoke weed so#and most things like nyquill dont even make me drowsy#but like man i thought i got my sleep schedule normal#hut its 2 30 rn and i went to sleep like actually at around 11 i think#and was woken up for bo god dman reason almsot a half hour later and couldnt fall asleep because its hot so i get itchy everywhere#so i have a fan on my but then the hair on my moves so i get itchy and fuck man#im feeling sleepy now and im glad its monday because i dont work till 1 but any other day i wanna be up by 8 if possible#and i would really rather not only have maybe 5 hours of sleep#fucking it doesnt help im sleeping in my grandmas living room and same witb my younger brother ( we have far too many people living here#and the number has actually went down significantly) so when my cousin or his wife or kid comes down fron upstairs to use the bathroom#or someone turns on the fucking kitchen light at midnight whta the fuck#or my little brother comes upstairs to laydown but has chips hes snacking on#or anything reallt it prevent me either from going to sleep and sometines even from staying asleep after i fell asleep#and i have some sort of auditory thing where most sounds fucking slice through my mind. like the crinkle of a chip bag when theres not many#other sounds to cover it up and so it make me wide awake again every fucking time as i am feeling sleepy#or even my brother chuckling at his video. or fucking lofi. lofi fucking is the worst. it makes me anxious and most of them have like the#wrong combination of instruments. like how are you gonna have a soothing gutair and light drums and then boom. snare. like that shit ruins#it and made my brain nore active again like the fucking chip bag. and logi just makes me anxious in general listening to it idk why#there was no point to this but if anyone axtually reads this and has hacks ill take suggestions.#usually around like 2 or 3 am (maybe even 5 or6) then ill feel sleepy and be able to sleep without too too much hassle#but fuck man why cant you do thay at 10 or 11 or even 12. I FIXED MY SLEPE SCHUDEL#I STAYED UP ALL DYA AND NIGHT AND WENT TO SLEEP AT 9#FUCKING STAY THAT WAY PLEASE. it worked for the first maybe 2 days where i would get tired around 10 and be able to fall asleep likeni was#when it was around 2 am. and then it gotnfucked the next day and i was unavle to sleep at 10 or 11 and was tired at 3 am#i dont knownif theres even a way to counteract this expecially since i dont even have an enclosed room to sleep in#so ita not like i can go lay down at 10 with all the lights off and they stay off and no one bothers me or makes any noise and i can just#drift away. (i do have to have a fan going if possible and if not then music but fan is best)#but yeah and just knowing other people are awake in the same room as me prevents me form sleeping too. man you could be so quiet i dont#even know youre there but if you are there and awake im gonna struggle sleeping worse than usual. i dont know why
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y'all i promise i'm thinking abt the drafts thing near constantly and most of what's stopping me is the retrograde jeonghan curse au doesn't have gc names and i SUCK at that stuff
#not kpop#shut up vic#plus i'm debating on doing any twitter profiles like i normally do tho i'm coming down on no there#bc usually i don't get a full picture of the characters until the end so i do profiles once i know what characters need established how#i.e. are they chaotic or mellow; what dynamics need to be highlighted; important traits etc#it would be a full 'no' but reader mentions in-text to having magic user in their twitter bio#so i been thinkin abt that#esp since YOU went thru the sm aus and made my brain go brr in a good way#had me giggling at 8 am NO SMALL FEAT since i feel like DEATH until 11 am at LEAST#u know who u are my love#lmao my planning doc has [] where the gc names go#bc i had NO IDEA and said 'fuck it do it later' AND THEN I DIDN'T#also fuck man part one is SHORT vic write consistent part lengths challenge failed#someone kick my ass into gear before i spend three hours on a video about a kpop card collecting gacha bot again#and also ask me about the 53 second video about a kpop card collecting gacha discord bot that i spent 3 hours on#bc it is the DUMBEST shit i have literally ever made and i love it
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#First like 'full' day in the shop since we're done with the busy season#it's been like a month since i really did anything shop related#and hoo-boy am i feeling it already#i was cleaning for most of the morning but this afternoon i was constantly moving things on and off the plasma table for like three hours#and they're awkward as hell to handle not to mention heavy#and i was feeling pretty good for a while#hit my steps goal by like 2 PM lmao#but within minutes of getting home i could feel it all across the top/back of my shoulders#and then had to be on my feet for a while making supper#so by the time i was sitting down to eat my lower back was even less willing to bend than it usually is#(which isn't a lot!)#it's usually the next day when I start feeling like this#not less than three hours later 😩#idk if i'll have to be doing this again tomorrow#but i do know i don't have the evening to myself and have to drive to the city so it's going to be a late night again 😔#kee speaks#i've been trying to keep a heat pack on my back#but i'm tired enough i might be able to fall asleep if i go crawl into bed#even though it's only 8 PM lol#which means i'll probably wake up at like 4 AM which isn't ideal when i know i'll have a late night tomorrow
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nico called today and I told him it was a good thing he didn’t end up coming over bc I’m laid up in bed w a 104 degree fever and feeling like all hell and he was like. oh I’m so sorry to hear that. so when can I see you ?
#and I love him#captain's log#I’ve been sleeping in 1 hour intervals since 3 in the morning when I woke up and was in so much pain I couldn’t go back to sleep#so I took a shower and made some tea and soup then went back to bed#only to wake up an hour later and have to pee so I’d do that and make another cup of tea#and that happened over and over again until now which is 1:20 pm#and I’m dreading the nighttime because I know it’s going to get so much worse and I’ve already taken two showers today just to stand in hot#water for an exorbitant amount of time. and now I’m like. maybe I should take an epsom salt bath because I feel like I can’t fucking move#anyway ! mia—who got me sick in the first place—was good enough to go to the store and grab some orange juice and soup so I love her#and interestingly. what I really wanted to talk about#was the fact that in the weird intervals of hour-long stretches of sleep#i dreamed like 8 or 9 episodes of star trek strange new worlds#which. i have not seen an episode of. nor have I seen any of the short treks or discovery so I have no concept of who any of these fucking#characters are beyond what I’ve seen in gifs/a trailer or two#but they were weirdly detailed.#in one spock and hemmer (hemmler??) were competing in a chariot race#and their wheels were made out of warm colored crystal that was orange in the center and graduated into a pink quartz like color at the edge#and hemmer transfigured himself secretly into a serpent when they were riding their chariot next to another one#and he scared the shit out of the rider and they veered off course#at which point he was flung through the air and became himself again#in another one because he has psychic abilities#he had to sacrifice himself by connecting with the psychic creature that was controlling the ship#and only through entering that thing’s mind and destroying it from the inside out was the rest of the crew freed#this also had to do w the episode where they were all in like. fantasy gear and were being forced to act out one of the literary works (?)#of these higher dimensional beings ? Like puppets#*puppets#idk if that’s what was actually happening in the episode because again. i have not seen any snw#but he died basically at the end of that ep by infiltrating their mind and freeing everyone#so
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my most toxic quality is my ability to overthink basic errands until I'm nearly in tears
#do i go to the pharmacy today (recommended) or later this week (will probably run out of allergy meds)#also do i walk (recommended) or wait until later this evening after rush hour and drive (bleh. chews into Evening Chillout Time)#also cue the guilt of 'hey you said you were going to be productive and all that you napped last night and now you want to nap again??'#also i know deep down a) a walk will clear my head and make me feel better and b) getting this errand over with will be a relief#but EEEUUUUGGGGHHHHH#maybe i will buy myself deli food for supper as a treat#i wish there was a pharmacy around here that opens at like 8 on weekends when i like to run errands but nope!#which means i have to carve out extra time every few months for an obnoxious errand#plus this parking lot is hell to get into/out of during rush hour so i can't just go there on my way home from work#UGH ignore me im just whining
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damn i actually had a pretty good streak there of not having bad insomnia days. that's pretty impressive for me like i haven't really had one since early January
#usually i get them like. maybe once a week#i think it's partially my new meds?#got some meds for anxiety and oh my GOD i finally have something that WORKS instead of fucking lexapro AGAIN#literally all my doctors would go LEXAPRO!! even though it's never fuckin worked for me#BUT I'm on remeron now and it's WORKING#and i made sure to make my Scheduled Pill Time as something i could almost never miss (my mom getting home from work)#bc it's around the same time every day within a half hour range and since i have an outside reminder it helps me actually form a habit#i cannot form habits without outside help it's just. nearly impossible for me#and the meds do make me kind of tired but not enough that I'm fucking constantly sleeping like when i was on seroquel#i can actually fucking THINK through this tired it doesn't just completely take me out 100% of the time#I'm just Slightly Sleepy instead of a zombie#and it helps remind me that I'm tired bc usually i don't notice any physical feelings#(is there a word for that??????? i tried googling but it constantly gave me alexythemia which is not feeling EMOTION)#(when this is like. i can't feel tired or hungry or pain sometimes. or at least i lose the ability to be aware that I'm feeling it)#but anyway the new meds make me just tired enough to remember i need sleep#and i mean. i am sleeping slightly early but 8:30 isn't that bad i don't think#at least i have time to. you know. do stuff between the hours of 5-8 (the only hours my mom is home + stores is open)#and tbh staying up alone all night isn't. the best. for my mental health#i don't handle being alone well. and Pulse is being a dick about system barriers :P (/lh we know why it's needed rn)#we have. a deep deep fear of isolation. like not just being alone but Not Being Able To Call For Help At All#at least with phone/computer we have One outlet for help with emergency services so that helps slightly#we worry a lot about. what would happen. if we had a medical emergency. and nobody knew bc i couldn't contact anyone#mostly. the fear of Something Bad happening and not being found until hours or days later#i like being awake during the day tho bc theres Way More Options for help#and like the fear of Not Being Found doesn't go away like. ever#but at least when people are awake and around its lessened a lot#the fear increases exponentially with each possible second added to the wait time#so knowing that it's just One hour until mom is home and can check on me is a lot better than Nobody's Awake For 5 More Hours#(and my mom is deaf too so i can't just like. scream for help to wake her up)#(not that i can physically scream at all anyway my voice just cannot handle that anymore)
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When I say "I can't do that" what I'm not saying is:
I don't feel interested in doing that
I don't care enough to
I'm too good to be doing that
I don't think you deserve that of me
I'm not in the mood to do that
Not now, I'll do it later
Maybe
If that's what I meant, that's what I would say
What I am saying is:
It will negatively affect me in ways I can't afford
I simply can't physically fucking do that
I can't risk the potentially severe consequences I may experience if I overestimate my ability to do that
And if I explain that I am unable to do that, it is not an invitation to:
Tell me how much my disability hurts your feelings
Ask if I'm sure
Interrogate me because you believe yourself to be the judge of how unwell is unwell enough
Put words in my mouth ("why don't you care?")
Tell me how easy it would be
Remind me of how many other things I've been unable to do. I keep the score more than you do
Accuse me of exaggerating or faking to avoid doing it
Ask me again shortly
Make assumptions about additional explanations. (I must be mad at you, I must not care about this)
Offer compensation in return ("I can pay you" "we can do something you want to do after" "I'll get you something you like")
Ask what it would take for me to suddenly be capable of doing it
Tell me how you do things you have to do when when you're tired and then you can just rest and recover. I am not like you
Remind me of a time I was able to do that. Either I had more spoons or was less severely disabled if at all.
Say that if I was well enough to do X today, I should be able to do this as well. Energy doesn't work that way. Are you capable of running 8 miles right this minute just because you were okay to work a 10 hour shift today? That's what I thought
Suggest simply doing it a certain way ("take your time", "do it sitting down", "we can stop and take breaks", "just take your painkillers", etc)
But it is an invitation to:
Leave me the fuck alone about it 💕
#chronic illness#chronic pain#disability#actually disabled#chronic fаtiguе ѕуndrоmе#spoonie#cfs#fibromyalgia#cfs/me#me/cfs#cpunk#cripplepunk#pots#long covid#yes this is about something that happened lmfao#feel free to add more#bc I am sick of this!#this is about physical disability. please don't derail it
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Gonna see how much data youtube will use in the dead zone at work so I can listen to some of the video essays I have saved in the mornings
#i wanna be able to do things at work that make me feel like I'm doing something in the 8 hours i have to be there U_U#and continuously saving new music to my phone just isn't cutting it bc i loop it for hours and it loses the novelty lmao#i dont have unlimited data so it might not be feasible to keep up but I'll do a day and see how much it eats up#maybe see how much an unlimited data plan would be bc it could be worth it to maintain my sanity U_U#nearly 1000 videos in my watch later again.... i want to engage in hobbies :/#hoatm rants
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