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f1letters · 1 year

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paris | eo31

"romance is not dead if you keep it just yours"

summary: maybe their family and friends didn't understand all the secrecy of their relationship, but why risk ruining what they had when they lived happier than ever inside of their own bubble?

warning: the absolute fluffiest fluff ever, secret relationship, platonic!reader x mick schumacher, brief mention of alcohol, no big warnings - just here for the ✨vibes✨

pairing: esteban ocon x reader

word count: 3.2k

note: everything in bold are song references and in italic are thoughts, which includes memories from the past.

french words used: mon trésor = my treasure; mon amour = my love; je t'aime tellement = i love you so much

omg?! cat posting a HAPPY FLUFFY STORY?! yes yes yes, I know everyone, but after last week I think you guys deserved a little sweet, lovey-dovey story haha! what can I say? I love estie bestie haha! I hope you enjoy this one, I loved writing it! (but it's actually 1:30 AM and I have to wake up in like... 5 hours! haha)

masterlist

"Your ex-friend's sister

Met someone at a club and he kissed her

Turns out, it was that guy you hooked up with ages ago

Some wannabe Z-lister

And all the outfits were terrible

2003 unbearable

Did you see the photos?"

No, I didn't, but thanks, though

Paris is unquestionably a city for lovers, said Mary McAuliffe.

And it is indeed the city for all lovers. The romantic lovers, head over heels in love with each other. The soon-to-be lovers, so shy and so scared to reveal their feelings. The inseparable lovers, so consumed by their adoration that they can't seem to keep their hands away from each other. The secret lovers, lost in between discreet touches and memories built in confidence.

Paris is the one place where your heart seems to beat even faster, where your eyes seem to glow a little more, where your head seems to be completely and utterly focused on the idea of love.

Y/N and Esteban were no exception to the rule.

No matter how many times the couple visited the French capital, the two seemed to become magnets, unable to let go of each other, whenever they went to the city of love.

The young woman was combing her long hair in front of the large mirror in the hotel bathroom, towel around her wet body, after taking a shower.

With her eyes locked on her reflection, Y/N didn't even notice her boyfriend's tall frame walk through the door until the driver wrapped his arms around her waist from behind while resting his chin on top of her head.

She smiled at him through the mirror and Esteban responded by placing a soft kiss on his girlfriend's cheek, sending shivers down her spine.

It was amazing how he managed to have the same effect on her since the first day they met two years ago.

It was her best friend's birthday and a bunch of people were gathered at his house, ready to sing happy birthday to the boy. Everyone was taking their seats around the table, Y/N opting to stay tucked away in the corner of the room as she wasn't a big fan of people in general.

"You're Y/N, right?" A familiar face asked her, as he leaned against the wall next to the girl.

"Yes, that's me." Y/N smiled, feeling her cheeks flush as she looked at the Frenchman, immediately feeling an attraction to him. "I'm sorry, but I don't know who you are..." She laughed nervously.

"Esteban, I'm a friend of Mick's." The driver introduced himself, extending a hand for the young woman to shake, with a smirk on his face. "I saw you here and recognized you from the pictures. He constantly talks about 'his best friend Y/N' and I had to approach you."

The two stayed there, maintaining eye contact for a few seconds, smiling from ear to ear, until they heard the other guests start singing. They turned towards their German friend, but, in reality, the two maintained their focus on each other, keeping their gaze on each other from the corner of their eyes.

After Esteban expressed his interest in Schumacher's best friend and after much insistence on his part that he had good intentions, Mick ended up giving in and began to arrange more outings involving his two best friends.

Months passed, with Esteban always persistent in trying to build a stronger bond with the girl in the hopes of asking her out one day, but Y/N got ahead of him and she took the first step.

"Este?" She got the driver's attention, as the two of them fell behind the rest of the group on top of the snowy mountain.

"Yes, trésor?" Esteban answered, looking in her direction, the nickname rolling off his tongue as usual.

"What if we had dinner this week?" The girl suggested, a confident smile plastered on her face.

"You mean..." The man hesitated nervously, thinking he might be misunderstanding things.

"A date, yes. Me and you. This Saturday night. My place." The girl explained, reaching her gloved hand into the boy's coat pocket, where she managed to grab his.

Esteban couldn't help but think to himself: my God, I'm falling for this girl already.

I'm so in love that I might stop breathing

Drew a map on your bedroom ceiling

No, I didn't see the news

'Cause we were somewhere else

Things between them evolved quickly, and the two simply became obsessed with each other overnight.

However, Esteban's fame scared Y/N a bit, as she had experienced a lot of the attention that came with accompanying Formula 1's blonde prince to his races and witnessed first-hand some of the hatred that other drivers' girlfriends, that she got to know over the years, got.

And that's why the couple decided to keep their relationship private between them and the people closest to them, even though many of them didn't understand all the secrecy.

No one knew but their friends and family. Even on the driver's team, no one knew who she was in specific, although there were some rumours and speculation due to the noticeable chemistry between the two of them and their occasional escapades to his driver's room when they thought nobody was looking.

The same can be said about the fans. Y/N was a familiar figure in the paddock, especially to Haas' fans as she was a usual member of the German driver's entourage over the years. But that didn't kill their curiosity about who she was, and what connection she had both to Mick and to other drivers with whom she was seen around the circuits.

But the couple couldn't care less. They were happy. The happiest they've ever been.

Esteban gently smoothed his girlfriend's hair away from her neck and placed a romantic kiss on it, making her giggle as he tickled her with his beard.

"Hurry up, mon amour." He told her, continuing to caress her as he spoke. "We have to go. Paris awaits us."

Stumbled down pretend alleyways

Cheap wine, make believe it's champagne

I was taken by the view

The girl dressed quickly, without much effort, keeping her outfit comfortable and discreet: some black sweatpants of her own, an army green hoodie stolen from her boyfriend, a winter Nike jacket on top and a black beanie on her head.

Her partner's look mirrored her own, both opting to blend in with the crowd as just two normal lovers in the city of love. There was no fame, no attention, and no fans.

"You look so cute in my clothes, mon trésor." Esteban complimented the girl, pulling her beanie down further, playfully covering her eyes with it. Y/N slapped his hand away from her face, adjusting herself to the new one, while the Frenchman laughed and placed a kiss on her forehead. "You look beautiful, as always."

Her little heart warmed with her boyfriend's words. He never went a day without making her feel like the most special person in the world, even when she was standing in front of him in sweats, with messy wet hair, and no makeup at all.

"Shall we? I thought you said Paris was waiting for us." Y/N joked, recalling her boyfriend's words. "Enough compliments, let's go, babe."

The girl's fingers intertwined with his and Y/N pulled the driver towards the room's exit as she walked backwards towards it.

Like we were in Paris

Like we were somewhere else

Like we were in Paris, oh

We were somewhere else

After leaving the hotel, the couple stumbled down an alleyway, hand in hand, hidden from the rest of the world, but always with happy smiles on their faces.

Y/N told him all about the latest gossip at her work, the new music she discovered on her Spotify, and her most embarrassing teenage stories with Mick.

And Esteban just listened. His favourite sound was her voice, especially when she told him the smallest details of her routine in an attempt to make him not feel left out due to the distance between them most of the time.

At that moment, they walked through the crowd and not a soul cared who they were. They were just... them. A couple in love among hundreds of others.

A few minutes later, they found a small, empty restaurant and when they saw an older couple dancing in the centre of the room, they decided to stick around, assuming they were the owners and would probably not recognize the driver.

The two entered, smiling at the couple, and sat at the booth in the most reserved corner of the room, picking up the menus to decide what to eat.

The night continued in the best possible way. The food was delicious, the restaurant remained just for the two of them and the old couple continued to sway gently to the French music blaring from the radio, making Y/N, the ultimate hopeless romantic, smile with her eyes half tearing up as she lay her head on her boyfriend's shoulder.

Y/N and Esteban didn't have a care in the world, since Paris always managed to keep their romance just theirs.

Privacy sign on the door

And on my page and on the whole world

Romance is not dead if you keep it just yours

Levitate above all the messes made

Sit quiet by my side in the shade

And not the kind that's thrown

I mean, the kind under where a tree has grown

After finishing their dinner and paying for their meal, the couple left the small establishment and decided to return to the comfort of their hotel room, which was not far away.

The young woman's hand found its home again in the hold of her boyfriend's hand. The girl's gaze sparkled as she studied every detail of the street they passed: the lights, the shop windows, the people, and the flowers on the balconies.

Meanwhile, Esteban couldn't help looking at her as if she had his whole world in her hands. No matter how much time passed, he was so madly in love with her that he almost felt like he might stop breathing at any second.

The driver pulled her closer to him, letting go of her hand to wrap his arm around her shoulders and let out a sigh at the feel of her body touching his. "Je t'aime tellement, mon amour." He said almost instinctively.

Y/N looked at him, with the most sincere and genuine smile, ready to return the driver's declaration of love when the two were interrupted by an unexpected intruder.

"Hey, you!" Upon hearing this, the two immediately moved away, fearing that their cover had been revealed, and the girl continued to walk forward alone while Esteban paid attention to the small boy who approached him. "You're Esteban Ocon, aren't you? You're my favourite driver ever!"

Clearly, little Louis - as he introduced himself before he enthusiastically told his idol all about the races he'd seen - hadn't been up to speed with the latest gossip from the world of Formula 1 and the couple had overreacted, but they were both used to react like this in the rare instances when Ocon was recognized during their secret dates.

Y/N started to slow her pace when she discreetly looked back and saw her boyfriend bending down to take a picture with his fan.

In a matter of seconds, Esteban took the place beside her and the two continued on their way to the hotel, although now there was some distance between them.

It was difficult at times, they admitted. Especially for a couple who couldn't seem to keep their hands off each other. But they knew their sacrifice was for the greater good, so they could have the privacy they valued so much.

Almost as if they were communicating telepathically, the two looked at each other simultaneously, though no words were spoken, and Esteban gave her a half smile, making her body relax with the comfort it conveyed to her.

The date might have ended, but the night was still young: it didn't matter where they were because, as long as they were together, they were having the time of their lives.

I'm so in love that I might stop breathing

Drew a map on your bedroom ceiling

No, I didn't see the news

'Cause we were somewhere else

As Y/N walked into their hotel room and started to take off her coat, Esteban gave her a smirk and placed the privacy sign on the outside door handle.

"Now it's just you and me at last, mon trésor." The boy said, approaching his girlfriend and giving her a peck on the top of her pink lips.

The two removed the outfits they were wearing and changed into more comfortable clothes, prepared to continue their night just enjoying each other's company. Esteban put on his pyjamas, and Y/N put on hers, which basically consisted of a pair of dark blue shorts and an Alpine t-shirt from the previous season obviously stolen from her boyfriend's closet.

The girl walked over to the room's mini fridge and took out a bottle of cheap wine that she had bought for them.

"Just pretend it's champagne, Este." She joked as she poured two tall glasses for the two of them to drink from. "Not all of us can be Formula 1 drivers, I'm just an accountant."

The two brought their lips to their drinks, feeling the pleasant taste of alcohol spread through their mouths. Y/N walked over to the window on her side, where she could see the view of the Eiffel Tower, and Esteban wrapped his arms around her, placing his large hands on her stomach and resting his chin on top of her shoulder.

The Tower shone like the brightest star in the sky, hence why Paris was known as the city of lights, and the two maintained the comfortable silence that settled in the room, both taken by the view.

Stumbled down pretend alleyways

Cheap wine, make believe it's champagne

I was taken by the view

Tired, Esteban sat down on the edge of the wide double bed, pulling his girlfriend with him. The two giggled while the Frenchman lay down against the headboard and the girl took the place on top of him, straddling him with one leg on either side of his lap.

Y/N took her hands to his neck, letting her fingers intertwine in his hair, and her mouth joined his in a serene kiss, full of love, comfort and peace.

The connection between the two was simply inexplicable and completely out of this world.

The young woman took the place beside him, removing herself from the top of it and lying down on the mattress, with her head now on his shoulder. Both were looking at their cell phones: Esteban looking for the results of the football matches that had taken place that day, and Y/N checking her Instagram feed without much attention.

Until the girl's phone alerted her to a new message and, after reading it, she fell into a fit of uncontrollable laughter, leaving her boyfriend more confused than ever.

"Mon amour, are you alright?" His voice revealed the smile plastered on his face.

"You won't believe what Mick sent me." Y/N moved her cell phone so that Esteban could read what was sent by the German.

From: Micky

Have you seen the news? Apparently, we are dating AGAIN! 🙄😂

Attached was an image that contained a particular comment left on the last photo posted by Mick, where you could see the two friends in the middle of a snowball fight.

'@f1fan: Mick and Y/N are FOR SURE together, they've been dating for years!! You have to be blind to not see it! 👀'

"Oh my God, are you cheating on me with Mick of all people?!" Esteban pretended to be hurt, with his hand over his heart as if she had broken it. "I expected better from you, Y/N."

The two simply laughed at the rumours, thinking to themselves how comical it was that people were so certain about her supposed love affair with her best friend when she was lying in the same bed as a completely different driver from the grid, who was, in fact, the one who truly owned her heart.

Like we were in Paris, oh

Like we were somewhere else

Like we were in Paris, oh

We were somewhere else

Y/N recalled all the times those closest to them had criticized their choice to keep their relationship a secret and couldn't help but ask about it again.

"Do you think our family is right?" Y/N asked, resting her chin on the Frenchman's chest so she could see his expression. "About how we shouldn't hide our relationship. Do you ever regret it? I mean, not telling the world about us?"

"Honestly, mon trésor," Esteban replied, pushing the hair that hid his girlfriend's face behind her ear. "As much as I would love to scream until my lungs give out that I am the luckiest man alive and that the sexiest girl on this planet is mine, nothing would make me change our relationship."

"So no, I don't regret it." He continued, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "Mon amour, we are in Paris. No one here to judge us, or to try to tear us apart. Just you and me against the world, come what may."

I wanna brainwash you

Into loving me forever

I wanna transport you

To somewhere the culture's clever

Confess my truth

In swooping, sloping, cursive letters

Let the only flashing lights be the tower at midnight

In my mind

"You know," Y/N pulled her body closer to his, circling his neck with her arms and leaning fully on the driver's torso. "I swear I just want to brainwash you into loving me forever sometimes."

"I think I should be worried about those words," Esteban teased, earning a gentle pinch from the girl in return. "But to be honest, I think I'm going to love you forever either way, so no brainwashing needed."

"God, we really are corny." Y/N laughed, laying her head over the Frenchman, being able to hear every beat of his racing heart. "No wonder why Mick hates us so much."

We drew a map on your bedroom ceiling

No, I didn't see the news

'Cause we were somewhere else

In an alleyway, drinking champagne

A few minutes went by, and the two fell asleep in each other's arms, again surrounded by the silence within those four walls that protected them from the rest of the world.

Their relationship may have seemed wrong to others, but Y/N and Esteban both knew that their love was the surest thing in their lives.

Their hidden connection completed them, made their stomachs flutter, gave them the motivation to wake up in the morning.

In the bottom of their heart and in the depth of their soul, they kept their best secret hidden from all the evil, all the jealousy and all the judgment.

And maybe they would never tell a soul in the world about their love.

But in the end, they would always have Paris.

'Cause we were in Paris

Yes, we were somewhere else

My love, we were in Paris

Yes, we were somewhere else

taglist: @dan3avacado @starxqt @roseinnej @spiidergirlsworld @ccloaned @hotpigeon22 @dr3lover @lovelytsunoda @primadonnasdream @luxebeautystyle @wallfloweriism @ilivefortheleague @gwynethhberdara @satellitelh @adavenus @audreyscodes @wifeoflucyboynton @th6ccnsp6cyy @classifiedsblog @flyingmushroomss @motylekrozi @claramllera @gabrielamaex @handsupforamiracle @pierre-gasssllyy @lorenaloveslewis

@idkiwantchocolatee @simpforsunwoo @kissatelier @xweirdxsceletton @micksmidnights @miniminescapist @inchidentwithmax @hopelesslyromantics-world @alwaysclassyeagle @indieclarke @capela-miranda @okokoksblog @pulpfixion @sins-only33 @sainzclerc @allisonxf1 @honethatty12

@amsofftrack @flannel-cures @junkiespromise @loudoperahumanoidpanda @honeyric3 @holy-macncheese-balls @ricciardosheart @pierreverstapkin @ravenqueen27 @majkaftorek @home-of-disaster @buendiabebeta @itgirlofnowhere @roses-of-eden @thewintersunset @rubychocolatechips

(taglist continues in the comments)

thank you to everyone that asked to be tagged! please let me know if you want to be added to the next stories! 💌

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vinylsbygi · 1 year

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⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 5/5 stars for my lovely Gigi

idk what this means but okay thank you love :)

till the very end/ esteban ocon

in which it's off season and the world meets their love.

yn.yln

Liked by estebanocon, pierregasly and 268,826 others

yn.yln even the coldest day are warm with you

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estebanocon "I'm not cold, don't worry." she says while blowing her nose

yn.yln 😇

rosalia.vt can't wait to see you!!

estiebestie they're the cutest <3

estebanocon

Liked by yn.yln, charles_leclerc and 527,825 others

estebanocon sticking with you till the very end.

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yn.yln lol you're stuck with me for the rest of your life

estebanocon oh no

charles_leclerc looking sharp mate!

estebanocon she made me wear it

yn.yln added to their instagram story

estebanocon added to their instagram story

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Listen, Cay, I know deep down you're a chirlie but I have so much charles content coming that it would honestly be too much. I don't even write for Esteban, but it's you, and you deserve it.

requests are open btw!

gi's beautiful 500

f1 instagram au

#gi's beautiful 500 #gigi's inbox 💌#gigi's instagram au 💌#estevries #esteban ocon #esteban ocon x reader #esteban ocon x y/n #esteban ocon x you #esteban ocon fluff #f1 instagram au

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sainzfilm · 1 year

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🏡 coming home - esteban ocon 🏡

summary: the blizzard caused flights across the country to be cancelled, which ended up to be terrible on your boyfriend’s end as he wanted to come home to you for the holidays. would that stop him or are you spending christmas alone?

taglist: @svechyaho @squderia @idkiwantchocolatee @koufaxx @melonunicornbby @myescapefromthislife @slut-era @pachiibatt @estevries @dan3avocado @sidcrosbyspuck @barzysreputation @verclercswiftie @mick2mercedes @mehrmonga

check out my winter wonderland celebration!

⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

Blindly reaching for your ringing phone over on the nightstand, you frowned as you checked the clock. It was nearly 4 in the morning, how did you manage to fall asleep while watching a film?

“You better be calling for a good reason,” You muttered sleepily, not bothering to check the caller ID, “I was asleep.”

“I should drop the call then,” Esteban joked nervously, pacing around the airport, “Sorry to wake you, darling.”

Smiling to yourself, you put the phone on loudspeaker and set it on the pillow, “What’s got you calling at this time?”

“Flights got cancelled, Y/N,” He sighed, running a hand down his face, “Apparently there’s a blizzard.”

If you weren’t awake earlier, you were definitely awake now. You were staring at the ceiling in the dark, feeling your heart drop and a frown forming on your face, “So…you can’t come home?”

Esteban raised a finger to a chauffeur, signaling to give him a moment, “I promise I’m trying to make ends meet, darling. I’m doing everything I can.”

“Yeah, I know,” You mumbled, deadpanned, “I’d rather have you safe than be in danger from coming home for Christmas.”

“Y/N…” Esteban said softly, loading his luggage in the van, “I’ll be home. That’s a promise.”

“Just be careful, I don’t know what plans you have,” You replied, sitting up on the bed, “I’m going to need occasional updates, Esteban.”

Nodding with a chuckle, Esteban replied, “I have to go now, I love you. Go back to sleep.”

“I love you,” You yawned, rubbing your eyes, “Be safe.”

As the line went silent, you sighed and switched the television to the local news, which definitely did not help the anxieties running through your head about your boyfriend’s safety.

On the other end, Esteban was sitting inside a van alongside a few other people, who wanted to get home for the holidays as much as he wanted to.

An elderly woman turns to him with a small smile, “Got your wife waiting for you back at home, son?”

“Oh, not my wife yet,” Esteban chuckled softly, his heart softening from the thought of you, “Still my girlfriend.”

“Are you planning to propose soon?” She questioned, “I hope you don’t mind me being a chatterbox.”

Nodding in response, Esteban smiled, “Definitely, she’s just…everything I’ve dreamed of.”

Patting the Frenchman’s shoulder, she replied, “Wishing the absolute best for the two of you.”

Esteban expressed his thanks before turning to stare out the window, snow hindering the visibility of the car to be at a normal speed. He fumbled with the charm that had your initial on his bracelet, wanting to hold you in his arms as soon as he can.

Back at home, you were wide awake. Esteban’s call woke you up at nearly 4 am, and you haven’t gotten any sleep since then. It’s nearly the end of the day, the moon starting to show up.

“Hey, love. I haven’t heard from you since the morning,” You said through the phone, twisting the promise ring on your finger, “I hope you’re safe. I just…I really hope you’ll be home soon.”

Sighing as you put the phone down, you set the food that you prepared on the table – despite the possible fact that Esteban not make it in time for you to welcome Christmas together.

Hearing your phone chime, you immediately grabbed it, only to feel disappointed that it wasn’t from Esteban.

Unknown Number: Happy Holidays! Your package with the tracking number of CSEN21HD8 will be attempted to be delivered today.

Upon reading the message, you frowned in confusion, you didn’t order anything that could possibly arrive at a time like this. In fact, you wondered as to whether or not this could be a faulty package.

Before your thoughts could further wander off, a knock on the door cut them off and you walked to see who it was through the peephole.

You opened the door slightly and frowned, mumbling to yourself, “There’s…no one there.”

Esteban peeked from the side and smiled, “You sure about that?”

“You’re home!” You exclaimed, opening the door wider to pull him in the tightest hug, “Oh, I’ve been worried sick. You didn’t respond to any of my voicemails!”

Esteban chuckled softly, wrapping his arm around you as he closed the door behind the two of you, “Awful reception, but I’m here now.”

“I’m glad you’re home in one piece,” You pulled away to kiss him on the cheek, dragging him to the dining room, “You must be hungry, do you need me to turn up the heater? You want to change clothes?”

“Darling, calm down, I’m alright,” He smiled, looking at you endearingly, “In fact, I have one thing I need to do.”

Humming as you went over to the switch to turn the heat up, “Yeah, what is- oh my god, Esteban.”

Esteban looked at you with a smile while he was down on one knee, a red velvet box in his hands, “Y/N, darling, I honestly don’t know where to begin. All I know is that you’re my person – and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

You had tears in your eyes, looking at your longtime boyfriend in awe, “Esteban…I’m.”

“I gave you that promise ring sitting on your finger right now to signify my never-ending love for you,” He continued on, “And now I want to give you this ring…what I’m trying to say is, will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

Nodding eagerly, you smiled brightly with a few tears falling down your cheeks, “A million times yes.”

Letting out a deep breath, Esteban stood up and held your hand, carefully slipping the ring on your finger and kissing it, “Merry Christmas, darling.”

You hugged him tightly, resting your chin on his chest with a smile brighter than the stars that sat on the sky, “Merry Christmas, love.”

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writingshushf1 · 1 year

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More drivers - Masterlist

🥀: angst; 🌻: fluff; 🍒: smut 🎭: funny/lighthearted; 📓: blurbs

The Loneliest ; George Russell - 🥀

You'll be the saddest part of me

First Burn ; Charles Leclerc - 🥀

Don't think I don't see how they fall for your charms, all of your charms!

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f1smutwriter · 1 month

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Esteban Ocon Masterlist

𝐒𝐌𝐔𝐓

None yet

𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐄

None yet

𝐁𝐋𝐔𝐑𝐁𝐒

None yet

#f1 smut #f1 imagine #esteban ocon smut #formula 1 smut #esteban ocon #esteban ocon fluff #esteban ocon imagine #esteban ocon blurb #esteban ocon fanfic #esteban ocon fic #esteban ocon x reader #esteban ocon x you #esteban ocon x y/n

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pucksandpower · 2 months

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Of Roomates and Revenge

Lewis Hamilton x fake girlfriend!Reader

Featuring Max Verstappen, Lando Norris, Charles Leclerc, Pierre Gasly, Esteban Ocon, and Nico Rosberg

Summary: in which your search for a free place to stay leads to helping one half of Brocedes live out his petty fantasy for revenge … and falling in love while doing so

Cat and Apartment Sitter Needed (Monaco)

Compensation: €1500/week plus all the Red Bull you can drink

I’m a world-traveling young professional who is rarely home. My two beautiful and rambunctious bengal cats need someone to stay with them in my Monaco apartment whenever I’m away for work.

The ideal candidate will be an experienced cat person who is prepared to deal with a lot of energy, chaos, and shenanigans from these two little terrors. They knock everything off every surface, wrestle at 3am, and will likely attempt to smother you while you sleep. If you can handle that, we’ll get along just fine.

In addition to caring for the cats, you will need to keep my place relatively tidy (i.e. no crushed Red Bull cans or fast food wrappers everywhere), collect any packages or mail that arrives, and randomly turn a few lights on and off every evening so the neighbors don’t get suspicious.

The position is ideal for a mature student, digital nomad, or someone between living situations who wants an amazing place to stay for free in one of the world’s hotspots.

Drop me a line if you think you can handle the cats from hell and wouldn't mind living in a 230 m² penthouse apartment with a private terrace, floor-to-ceiling windows, and a badass view of the Mediterranean. Preference goes to non-smokers who follow directions well and won’t throw ragers when I’m gone.

Send a brief intro, your experience with cats, and a couple photos attached. Urgently need someone for various stretches starting mid-February.

Do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers.

Live-in Cactus Caretaker Needed (Monaco)

Compensation: €1000/week, free snacks, and you can play my Xbox

I’m a young dude who’s rarely home because of my job that involves a lot of international travel. I have a single cactus plant that I promised my mum I would keep alive until she visits again. The thing is ... I have absolutely no idea how to care for plants. Like, I nearly killed it the first week by forgetting it existed.

What I need is someone responsible who can essentially live in my swanky Monaco apartment whenever I’m gone and keep my tiny cactus friend alive.

Duties would include:

Watering the cactus like ... once a month? Twice a month? I don’t know how often it needs water

Not letting the cactus die in any other way (pretty sure they need sunlight too … I think)

Keeping the place tidy (I’m a bit of a mess)

In return, you’d get:

A sick apartment all to yourself with a stunning view, giant TV, and full kitchen (please for the love of god be careful in there ... I almost burned the place down trying to make a grilled cheese once. Seriously, I'm not exaggerating. I almost went up in flames over a silly sandwich. If you can't even operate a microwave, we may have problems. There’s only room for one idiot like that in Monaco — and it’s me)

Unlimited snacks/drinks from my well-stocked pantry

Free rein over my gaming setup (just don’t break anything)

First dibs on any events/reservations I can’t make

The ideal person is responsible, shows they can follow basic instructions for cactus care, laidback since you’ll be alone a lot, and trustworthy enough not to wreck the place or throw illegal parties. Having a green thumb would be great, but frankly if you can manage not to kill the one plant, that’s good enough for me.

Send a brief bio about yourself and your qualifications as a cactus/housesitter if interested! I’m gone quite frequently starting in February so could use someone ASAP.

No scammy offers or soliciting, please!

Roommate Needed to Drink Wine and Listen to My Woes (Monaco)

Compensation: Free rent in a nice apartment, plus all the wine you can drink

Are you a good listener? Do you enjoy dry red wines and occasional bouts of tears and venting? If so, I’ve got the perfect living situation for you!

I’m a youngish guy with a high-stress job that involves a lot of traveling. When I’m home in Monaco, I tend to unwind by polishing off a couple bottles of nice Bordeaux or Burgundy while complaining about work, my colleagues, and my rival who is giving me really mixed signals.

What I need is a roommate who doesn’t mind a little drunken blubbering here and there.

You’ll get:

Your own bedroom in my spacious 2BR/2BA apartment in the La Condamine district

Rights to my kitchen, living room with large TV, piano, and music recording equipment

Access to the building’s pool, sauna, fitness center, and lounge areas

As much wine as you can drink (and more)

In exchange, you’ll be expected to:

Listen to my periodic rants and rave sessions without judgement

Preferably nod along or offer supportive-sounding feedback like “Yeah, that’s really tough man” or “Wow, they sound terrible”

Refill wine glasses as needed

Maybe rub my back or pat my head if I’m really going through it

The ideal candidate is a decent human being who can empathize with the high-pressure struggles of a young professional trying to make it in a cut-throat career.

You’ll need a decent amount of free time and lots of patience. Prior experience as a life coach, therapist, or sympathetic drinking buddy is a plus.

If you can handle crying guys after a few too many glasses of Châteauneuf-du-Pape, inquire within! Include a little about yourself and why you would make a good non-judgmental wine friend. Merci!

Expand Your Search? Similar Opportunities:

Impartial Referee Wanted for Parking Lot Brawls (France)

Compensation: €400 per event

Two athletic young men in their late-20s are looking for a level-headed third party to oversee and officiate their semi-regular parking lot boxing matches. Yes, you read that right — we’re talking straight-up fisticuffs in the back alley behind the Circuit Paul Ricard.

A little background: We’ve been frenemies/rivals since we were kids — constantly competing in friends, employment opportunities, you name it. There’s a healthy amount of hatred between us that simply can't be resolved through words alone. Every few months, we feel the need to just take out our pent-up aggression on each other's faces.

Up until now, it’s been an unregulated shitshow with no real rules or oversight. We’re looking for someone impartial who can:

Set some fair ground rules around where/how we can strike

Ensure no prop weapons get involved (last time he tried to scalp me with a wrench)

Officiate and declare a winner once one of us is knocked out or quits

Ideally have some basic first-aid skills in case of a nasty cut or broken nose

We will pay €400 cash at the start of each bout. You’ll get a free show of two extremely fit dudes wailing on each other until there’s a clear victor.

Loser exits with his tail between his legs, winner gets to gloat for the next couple months until we run it back.

If you can be a neutral third party and aren’t squeamish about a little blood, send us your info with some details about yourself and your experience resolving conflicts (legally or not). First come first served — our next fight is tentatively scheduled for mid-May!

No flakes or perverts, please. Serious connoisseurs of violence only.

P.S. Don’t be scared to give out penalties (one of us is used to that)

Actor or Actress Needed to Annoy Ungrateful Ex-Friend (Monaco)

Compensation: €2700 per week, free luxury accommodations

I’m a successful guy in my late 30s looking to hire someone to pretend to be my significant other for a few months. Before you get the wrong idea, let me explain ...

I had a major falling out with a former best friend who stabbed me in the back years ago. We live in the same apartment building, just one floor apart.

I’m trying to show him how amazing my life still is without him … and maybe make him jealous in the process.

That’s where you come in. I need you to move into my penthouse temporarily and act as my gorgeous new boyfriend/girlfriend.

Your main duties would include:

Loudly introducing yourself to said ex-friend by knocking on his door and being line “Hi, is [insert my name] here?” Then pretend to be embarrassed and apologize when he tells you that you’re at the wrong apartment

Hang out in the hallway near his place and have very loud fake conversations detailing our imaginary passionate nights together (rated R)

Post cringy coupley photos on your social media of us dressed up going out, cuddling on my yacht, etc

Ideally you’re an aspiring actor/actress or just a really convincing liar. Being somewhat loud and dramatic is a plus. You’ll need to be willing to play along if my petty ex-friend tries to confront us.

In return, you’ll be living in a lavish penthouse with all the amenities for free. You’ll have your own private suite and can hang out on the oversized balcony, by the pool, or in the media room when you’re off the clock. Might also be able to introduce you to some high-profile people if you’re trying to network.

Oh, and my bulldog will provide plenty of cuddles.

If you can pull off a remarkably realistic fake partner act and aren’t afraid of a little light deception, hit me up! Please include a couple photos plus a bit about yourself and your acting experience. Aiming to start mid-April.

I’m an equal opportunity employer — girlfriend, boyfriend, nonbinary partner, you name it. All genders welcome to apply for the role if you’ve got what it takes! Only preference is that you have especially luscious hair … for reasons.

No weirdos please.

Hi,

Okay, I have to admit — your ridiculous request to hire a fake girlfriend to make your ex-best friend jealous is quite possibly the pettiest thing I’ve ever heard. And I absolutely love it.

I’m literally the perfect person for this role. Petty vengeance is my middle name (well, not really, it's actually Y/M/N ... but you get the idea).

A little about my qualifications:

Took some theatre electives in university so I can really sell the dramatics

Lots of experience putting on an Oscar-worthy performance faking ... well, you know ... thanks to my douchebag ex-boyfriend who couldn’t be bothered to learn how to pleasure a woman 🙄

Not afraid to get LOUD and will happily reenact our “passionate nights” at earsplitting volumes in that hallway

Can pull off playing dumb if your friend tries to interrogate me about you (“Oh [whatever your name is]? Yeah he’s just the best at ... stuff”)

No shame in my pettiness game — I once spent my weekly paycheck on a Cameo just so an ex’s favorite celebrity would call him a dingleberry

In terms of looks, I’ve been told I have just the right amount of “hot” to make your poor pal jealous without it being too unbelievable. I’m attaching a few photos for reference.

Let me know if you want to meet up for a glass of wine and we can workshop some juicy storylines for our imaginary romance. Perhaps I was a former fling you rediscovered? A hot younger thing giving you a new lease on life? The possibilities are endless!

I’m a pro at faking it, so selling our relationship will be a piece of cake. Your ex-friend will be bright green with envy by the time I’m through!

Let’s make him regret the day he double-crossed you, babe.

Cheers,

Y/N

r/offmychest

u/NotBritneySpears · 16h

My ex-best friend’s new girlfriend is the WORST!

I really need to get this off my chest. My upstairs neighbor’s new girlfriend is, without a doubt, the most insufferable human being on the planet. She’s loud, obnoxious, and seems to take immense pleasure in tormenting me for some reason.

A little background: I used to be really close friends with my neighbor. We had a big falling out a while back over ... well, it’s a long story. We don’t talk anymore and there’s a lot of resentment between us. Clearly the universe is trying to get back at me now with this new girl.

This chick has made it her personal mission to give me a play-by-play account of every single intimate encounter she has with him. And I mean DETAILED accounts. The other day I was just trying to enjoy my morning coffee and I hear her incredibly shrill voice from right outside my door:

“Oh he was an ANIMAL last night! The things he did with his tongue, I thought I was going to pass out!”

Like, seriously? Keep it to yourself, weirdo! That’s just the tame stuff too. Sometimes she’ll go into pretty graphic detail describing body parts and positions that I really didn’t need a mental picture of.

Here’s the thing — she quite obviously positions herself to be as close as possible to my apartment without actually trespassing — I mean, she doesn’t even live on my floor for god’s sake! So every word comes through crystal clear. I’ve confronted her about it a few times and she just plays dumb, like:

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry if I was being loud! We just get so carried away sometimes, you know how it is,” with this stupid ditzy valley girl voice and hair toss.

I don’t know if my former best friend put her up to this or if she’s just a massive troll in her own right. But it’s like psychological warfare at this point. Literally ANY time I’m home, I have to listen to her yap about their Sex Olympian-level escapades.

My wife even heard them once and thought I was playing porn at an insane volume! She doesn’t believe me that it’s just this deranged lady running her mouth constantly.

I’m half-tempted to start recording her rants and blast them back at full volume to give them a taste of their own medicine. Or maybe start describing lurid details of my own (admittedly not quite so colorful) sex life in retaliation.

I don’t know, maybe I’m being oversensitive. But living under these two insufferable assholes is a waking nightmare. I need to move or something because this is massively affecting my peace of mind. Who knows if they will ever get bored of tormenting me and move on.

Rant over. Thanks for letting me vent about the neighbors from hell.

u/chronicgossiper · 12h

Damn, that sucks man. Your neighbor and his gf sound like immature assholes trying to get a rise out of you. I’d look into noise complaint options or even see if you can get them evicted for harassment.

Reply to u/chronicgossiper · 11h

Seriously? You really think the landlord would evict someone over this? It’s not like they’re blasting music at 3am. Sounds more like passive aggressive pettiness than anything illegal.

u/chronicgossiper · 10h

Idk, having to listen to people loudly describe their sex acts against your will seems like it could qualify as harassment or creating a hostile environment. Worth exploring at least if they won’t stop.

u/NotBritneySpears · 9h

Eviction isn’t really an option here since we all own our apartments and there’s no landlord dictating that. It’s not that type of building.

u/nosyandproud · 8h

Did your former friend move into that building first or did you move in knowing he lived there?

u/NotBritneySpears · 7h

He was there first, I bought my place a few years after him when I could afford it. Never expected he'd pull something this childish.

Reply to u/NotBritneySpears · 6h

So you willingly moved into the same building as your ex-best friend that you aren’t on speaking terms with? That’s just asking for drama, dude.

u/NotBritneySpears · 5h

It’s a great building in an amazing location. I wasn’t going to not pursue the opportunity just because he lives there too. It’s a big place, I didn’t think we’d be running into each other much.

Reply to u/NotBritneySpears · 4h

Still seems like a weird decision to willingly insert yourself into his orbit like that if the relationship was so fractured. Probably should’ve seen some fallout coming.

u/nosyandproud · 3h

Yeah exactly, why would you move somwhere your ex-friend lives if you two clash that much? Kinda put yourself in this situation.

u/NotBritneySpears · 2h

Okay, let me be clear — he and I were best friends for over a decade before we had a colossal falling out a few years ago. We’re not just some casual ex-buddies who don’t get along. We were legitimately very close for most of our lives until things went nuclear between us. When I decided to move into the building, our friendship had been over for a while already. I really didn’t anticipate he’d take things to this vindictive level years later. I’m not going to miss out on my dream home just because of what happened between us.

Reply to u/NotBritneySpears · 1h

This is getting juicyyy, do tell about what caused the falling out!

u/NotBritneySpears

Not really trying to dredge up old drama, that’s a whole other can of worms. The girlfriend situation is annoying enough as is.

Reply to u/NotBritneySpears · 51m

Fair enough, you gave context. Still think you two need to have an adult conversation about boundaries. Purposely trying to loudly narrate their sex life at you is unhinged.

r/relationships

u/yourusername · 19h

I’m catching real feelings for the guy who hired me to be his fake girlfriend to get revenge on his ex-friend ... help?

Buckle up folks, because I’ve got one hell of a tangled situation to unpack here. This is going to be a long one.

About a month ago, I responded to this Facebook Marketplace ad from a guy (let’s call him L) looking to hire someone to pretend to be his new girlfriend. The goal was to make his former best friend/downstairs neighbor jealous after a brutal falling out between them.

I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous. But the benefits were good and I’d be living in his insane luxury penthouse in Monaco rent-free. More importantly, I really vibed with L’s pettiness and desire to get deliciously pathetic revenge on his ex-friend. My last boyfriend was the actual worst, so I was absolutely here for any slightly insane Karen antics.

Anyway, we hit it off immediately at the “audition” over drinks. L is brilliant, successful, gorgeous, and fucking hilarious in a sarcastic, unfiltered way. We both have a wicked mean streak and frankly get off on emotionally messy situations. It was like looking into a mirror — two beautiful trainwrecks finding each other in the wreckage.

From night one, we had crazy chemistry. The back-and-forth banter was electric, we finished each other’s sentences, etc. I felt so comfortable around him despite the bizarre circumstances. I assumed it was all fun and games to toy with his former best friend.

But over the last few weeks of loudly chronicling our “sex marathons”!outside said ex-friend’s door and doing phony coupley things around the city, I’ve realized my feelings are ... complicated. L and I CONNECT on a deeper level, in addition to just being partners in crime. We’ll be tangled up watching movies and he’ll make some perfectly timed quippy comment that has me cackling until my abs hurt. Or we’ll get deliriously wasted and end up baring our souls about our upbringings, dreams, fears — everything.

I’ve never been so open or comfortable around someone before. Our walls are gone. And the most messed up part? Some small, perverse part of me loves the strange intimacy we’ve manufactured through this farce. How much closer can you get than meticulously co-creating a fictional relationship?

In the beginning, I think we were both just in it for the laughs and pettiness factor. But something shifted for me recently. One night we were drunkenly rehearsing how I was going to describe our latest imaginary tryst to his ex-friend and ... I don’t know, I couldn’t stop staring at his lips while he was talking. His face was so close to mine and I felt breathless. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to ditch the script and really kiss him. I had to physically stop myself from lunging forward.

Later, when I went back to my room, I was hit with a crushing wave of realization — I have actual romantic FEELINGS for this basketcase who hired me to play-act as his girlfriend! What the actual fuck?

Guys, I’m in too deep. How did I let this happen? L is technically still my employer and this whole operation has an expiration date. His former friend is already growing visibly annoyed, so Phase 2 (feign a dramatic breakup, I move out, L moves on with his life) is likely coming up very soon.

Do I just bury my feelings and end this gig without saying anything? Do I risk the humiliation of confessing my heart to someone who was only pretending to want me around? Or should I just go for it and make out with him next time we’re tangled on the couch? I’m spiraling here!

The pettiness that brought us together may also tear us apart. Or maybe I’m just a sad clown who read too much into a fake relationship. Someone slap me with a reality check, please! I need perspective from the outside.

Tl;DR - Developed legit romantic feelings for the guy who hired me to be his fake girlfriend as part of his weird revenge plot. Not sure if I should come clean, keep it professional, or start actually making out with him for real. This was NOT part of the deal!

u/judgingloudly · 18h

Oh honey, you are in a MESS. This is like a bad romcom plot but IRL. I think your only real option is to fess up and tell L how you’re feeling. Contrary to popular belief, the fake dating trope doesn’t always have to stay pretend!

If he doesn’t feel the same way, at least you put it all out there and can move on with some dignity intact. But who knows — from how you describe the crazy chemistry and connection, he might feel relieved you said something first! Don’t let this fire burn out without taking your shot. Oh and definitely keep us updated, I’m invested now!

Reply to u/judgingloudly · 17h

I agree with this take. You already acknowledged you’re in too deep emotionally. Might as well put those cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may. Shooting your shot is always better than letting the “what if” eat away at you forever!

u/livefordrama · 16h

I’m sorry but I simply must ask — how did you land a gig like this? And does he happen to have any more openings for a fake girlfriend? Asking for a friend …

u/yourusername · 15h

Honestly it was a random Facebook ad looking for exactly this — a girl to move in and fake date this guy to drive his feuding neighbor up the wall. I applied semi-joking but he picked me!

As for openings, not that I know of ... yet. I may have to quit soon depending how this all plays out, so will keep you posted if my spot opens up!

Reply to u/yourusername · 14h

Omg please do! I would 100% take on a role like this, it sounds like a total riot.

u/unpaidtherapist · 13h

Girl, I think you already know what you have to do here. Is keeping things professional and never admitting your feelings really an option at this point? You’re clearly enamored with this guy and he seems to reciprocate the intensity at least platonically so far. I say GO FOR IT!

Just pull him aside one day, say “hey this isn’t just an act for me anymore, I really like you and need to know if there’s a possibility for us or not.” If he’s as caught off guard and freaked out as you’re implying, a direct conversation is needed to get those cards on the table. Don’t die wondering “what if?” That’s my advice.

u/everydayopportunist · 12h

This is so wild, I’m living for this drama! Seriously might need to pursue some similar gigs myself, apparently that’s where all the romance happens these days 😂

u/devilsadvocate · 11h

I’m sorry but I have to go against the grain here — please do NOT make a move or confess any feelings! This guy hired you for a very specific job under very specific pretenses. Catching real feels was not part of the deal at all. Selfishly throwing that at him out of the blue would be so unfair after he opened his home to you. I worry he could feel betrayed and violated even if he did secretly like you back.

My advice? Give it a few weeks, see if these feelings persist or if it was just a passing crush brought on by the intimacy you’ve found yourselves in. If it’s still intense after cooling off, then maybe consider looping him in. But don’t go nuclear until you're absolutely sure. You could risk imploding a good work situation and friendship over a temporary infatuation. Tread very lightly!

Reply to u/devilsadvocate · 10h

I’m with this take, OP shouldn’t jeopardize her living situation if her feelings might be fleeting. Taking a step back and giving it more time could provide clarity. It’s easy to get caught up in the fantasy.

The more prudent move is to wait until the “job” wraps up before considering opening that can of worms. If feelings persist minus the contrived closeness, she’ll know it's real. But springing it on the guy now seems wildly unfair and could blow up in her face.

r/AmITheAsshole

u/veganGOAT · 15h

AITA for turning down my fake girlfriend after she admitted feelings, only to want her back days later?

I think I may have tremendously fucked up in a spectacularly messy way. Let me walk you through the tangled web I’ve woven ...

A couple months ago, I (39M) hired this woman to essentially move into my apartment and pretend to be my new girlfriend. I know it sounds batshit crazy … but I was trying to make my ex-best friend/neighbor jealous after a bitter falling out between us.

She was the perfect partner for this ruse — sarcastic and spunky, with a hint of unhinged energy. We bonded instantly over bottles of wine and throwing deliciously overblown “loud sex” performances in the hallway to drive my ex-friend nuts. What was meant to be a transaction quickly bloomed into a legitimately fun, effortless friendship.

Soon after, we started having real sex. It sort of just … happened, albeit very awkwardly at first. Like “well this is weird, want to try it for real just to see?” And what do you know, we had insane chemistry between the sheets too! We were soon sleeping together nearly every night, always swearing afterwards that it was “just for fun” and didn’t mean anything more.

But I started catching feelings. She was hilarious, confident, beautiful — everything I could ever want in a partner. We had connected on a deeper level through the medium of batshit pettiness. And our physical intimacy only amplified that bond.

Cut to a couple weeks ago. We had just finished a particularly athletic round and were cuddled up, spent. Out of nowhere, she pipes up nervously: “Hey … I think I’m really falling for you. I don't want this to just be sex or games anymore. I want to really try being together.”

I froze. The words I had been longing to hear suddenly terrified me in that moment. My throat clenched up as a wave of panic crashed over me (yes, I’m well aware of how stupid this was in hindsight). After an agonizing pause, I managed to choke out: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. This thing between us was only ever supposed to be fake. I don’t think of you that way.”

I could actually see her face crumble. She quickly mumbled “okay” and slid out of my bed, wrapping a sheet around herself to cover her dejection. I swear I heard muffled sobs through the wall once she was back in her guest room. I felt like a piece of shit.

The next few days were some of the most awkward, brutal tension I’ve ever experienced. She was now acting like a scorned woman just doing her job, no intimacy whatsoever. We could barely make eye contact.

It took seeing her so closed off, so cold, for me to realize how much I desperately missed her warmth, humor, friendship. How much I longed for the easy intimacy we once had, both emotional and physical. I tried a few times to apologize or explain myself, but she brushed me off — utterly walled off to protect herself.

After days of wrestling with my suppressed feelings, I realized that I was in love with this wonderful woman. Hiring her as a fake girlfriend was one of the best things I had ever done because it brought her into my life … and now I didn’t want to let her go. She was becoming my person, even if she had started out as a farce.

But here’s where I really need some impartial perspective — AITA for freezing up and rejecting her confession?

I didn’t meant to tank her feelings so callously. I think I just ... panicked in that moment. The idea of committing to a real relationship terrified me in ways I didn’t expect. My career keeps me constantly on the go, always jet-setting to the next thing. Could I really give a romance the time and energy it deserves right now?

Part of me also felt massively conflicted about the circumstances. I’m literally paying her to pretend to be my girlfriend as a sort of ongoing petty revenge. If I admitted I wanted to actually date her, wouldn't that blur consent lines in some messed up way? Like, is she just going along with it because she’s on the payroll?

I know these both sound like flimsy excuses, but they were very real fears racing through my mind in that moment. Fears that made me impulsively reject her, despite how utterly gone I was.

Now, days later, those same hangups don’t seem so insurmountable. Maybe she and I could make something work, travel schedules and all. And if she reciprocated feelings, it would be a starting point — not her just placating me for a check. We could rip up the old arrangement and start fresh.

But I haven’t confessed any of this to her yet out of gut-wrenching cowardice. She’s still giving me this cold, professional shoulder. I don’t know how to begin recanting my idiotic reaction and opening up about the REAL reasons I panicked — the commitment fears, the moral dilemma, all of it.

Part of me wonders if I even have the right to try and pursue things with her at this point? I absolutely shattered her feelings for my own hangups just days ago. AITA for potentially stringing her along further by trying to retroactively take it all back? Maybe I’ve missed my window and should just let this phase of my life be over before it gets even more painful and messy?

Ugh, I’m rambling now. The crux is — AITA for how I recklessly rejected her in that moment? Do I even have a right to try and make amends after that thunderous fumble? Or should I just take the L, chalk it up to collateral damage of being in the world’s most messy pseudo-relationship, and move on?

u/juryofone · 14h

YTA, but only because you handled the initial rejection in the worst way possible. Your reasons for hesitating are somewhat understandable. But you really dropped the ball in communicating that to her in the moment.

Instead of calmly explaining where your headspace was at, you just blurted out a kneejerk rejection that crushed her feelings. No wonder she went ice cold — that had to sting like hell! If you had taken a breath and talked it through with more nuance, maybe you could’ve reached an understanding.

The good news is, you’ve now realized how much you DO want this woman in your life as more than a pretend romance. I don’t think you’re an AH for having those feelings or wanting to pursue her again, provided you make a sincere, thoughtful effort to apologize for your tactless approach before.

My advice? Explain the real reasons you froze up, how torn you felt over everything, and make it clear you still have feelings. But lead with a heartfelt apology for how horribly you botched it at first. If she’s willing to give you one more chance after that, DO NOT blow it.

Reply to u/juryofone · 13h

I agree with this take. He’s not an AH for the situation, but majorly the AH for the WAY he handled rejecting her. That had to sting badly after putting herself out there. The mature thing is to own up to that and properly communicate where his head was at.

Reply to u/juryofone · 12h

Yeah, going straight for “I can’t do that, I don’t think of you that way” after she bared her soul was so harsh and unnecessary. He could have let her down wayyyy more gently if he was that conflicted about it all. She must’ve felt like a fool!

u/neutralpartier · 11h

NAH — I get that you panicked in the heat of the moment and why this whole situation is heavy with ethical quandaries. The reality is, you two started off pretending but real feelings developed, and that’s okay! It happens. The moral issue only remains if you knowingly took advantage of or manipulated her feelings while she was on your payroll. Since you seem just as confused as she was, I don’t think any lines were really crossed.

The way forward is to rip off the bandaid once and for all. If you have mutual feelings now, figure out if you want to date as equals. If not, it’s time to part ways amicably while you both still can. But don’t keep paying her while catching feels — THAT would make you an AH.

u/glasshalfempty · 10h

ESH ... look, you suck for how you handled rejecting her confession. That was really hurtful and avoidant no matter your internal struggles. She sucks for going into this thinking it was all pretend, catching real feelings, and expecting you to want to be serious too. You PAID her to be your fake GF and made that clear.

My suggestion is to have an honest discussion about whether you can BOTH separate the transactions from reality. If you’re both all-in on trying for real, great! But one of you is going to get burned if expectations don’t align. And please, for the love of god, stop paying her!

Reply to u/glasshalfempty · 9h

This is exactly what I was thinking too! Way too messy ethically to keep paying her as the lines blur between fantasy job and real romance. Either take the plunge and date properly or go separate ways for good.

Reply to u/glasshalfempty · 8h

Agree but like ... is this even real? How does someone end up hiring a fake girlfriend to make their former best friend jealous? That alone sounds like a bad romcom plot.

u/criticaloverthinker · 7h

I’m calling cap on this whole wild story. Childhood besties turned feuding enemies living in the same building? A fake girlfriend who moves in as part of an elaborate revenge plan? It’s all too unbelievable.

u/struggling-with-reddit · 6h

I’ll play along and rate, but no way is this post legit lol. Having a fake girlfriend you eventually catch feelings for while pranking your neighbor? What’s next, one of you is actually royalty or a secret millionaire? Too much happening here.

Reply to u/struggling-with-reddit · 5h

Hahaha I know right, the excessive details and backstory gave it away as creative writing practice or something. No judgment from me, it was an entertaining read at least!

u/struggling-with-reddit · 4h

Next thing you know, OP will be claiming he’s Michael Schumacher or something 😂

r/AmITheAsshole

u/veganGOAT · 8h

UPDATE — I’m the idiot who rejected then realized I loved my fake girlfriend … and she took me back!

When I made my initial post a bit over a month ago about this whole fake girlfriend situation, most of you understandably called it outrageously far-fetched.

Which, fair. How does someone actually end up hiring a woman to fake date them just to make their neighbor jealous? It does sound ripped straight from a Nicholas Sparks fever dream.

Well put on your straight jackets, because this ridiculous saga is 100% real. And I’ve got an update that’s even crazier than the original tale ...

After reading the feedback on my initial post (and getting a whole lot of shit from some friends too), it became crystal clear that I had to make things right. I put her through the emotional wringer by callously rejecting her in the moment, when her feelings were just as tangled up as mine were. I owed her a sincere apology and a proper explanation of why I froze — with no more deflections or excuses.

So I wrote her a long letter. I laid it all out there. How torn I felt about the ethical and emotional complexities of our arrangement. How her vulnerability awoke my own fears about commitment, my transient lifestyle, and whether I could realistically be the partner she deserved. Mostly, I repeatedly owned up to being a thoughtless prick who shattered her trust out of pure pathetic self-preservation.

But above all, I made one thing clear — despite my bumbling, I had fallen for her too. Completely and utterly. She had cracked through my defenses and healing her hurt became the only thing that mattered.

I ended the letter by owning up to the fact that she now held all the power. While she had moved into this arrangement under certain pretenses, I had violated that implied contract. The ball was entirely in her court now. I would abide by whatever decision she landed on — friendship, an amicable parting of ways, or taking the terrifying gamble of trying to make this the real deal.

When she emerged from her room the next morning, I could barely look at her. I was a sweaty, nauseated wreck, steeling myself for the worst. She sat down next to me in silence and unleashed the longest, most blistering dressing down of my life. How I had made her feel so small, so foolish, so painfully vulnerable. Words like “coward” and “asshole” were thrown around. But you know what phrase stung most?

“I wish you had told me all of this up front instead of dealing with it like a child. I could’ve understood where you were coming from.”

It was a dagger — she was absolutely right. My dumb automatic rejection utterly betrayed the openness and intimacy we had built. Still, she didn’t dismiss me entirely. She would need some time to think, but asked that I stand by for an answer.

The limbo period was … not fun.

After four excruciating days, she came to me again. This time, she was almost shy, like her old self. She told me she had thought it over extensively, and ultimately my explanation and full-hearted apology won her over. I may be an idiot, an asshole, and a bit of a mess (her words), but I was an honest idiot with a good heart under all the bravado. And that’s what had drawn her to me in the first place.

So with the understanding that we would both need to work on our communication skills and respective hang-ups, she was in. We would press the reset button altogether, end our old arrangement, and try to make this relationship happen for real — messy origins be damned.

That was exactly a month ago today, and things have never been better. Sure, we still lean into some harmless (and vaguely unhinged) pettiness with my former friend from time to time. Some habits are too fun to quit cold turkey. But ultimately, I’ve never been so grateful for the insane set of circumstances that brought this amazing woman into my life. We may have started as an acting exercise, but we took a leap together into something beautifully real.

And yeah, I still have to hear shit from literally everyone about how our romance origin story is the most unbelievable meet-cute of all time. But I’ve learned to lean into the absurdity. After all, what’s life without a little chaos and a perfect partner to share in the pandemonium?

Thanks to everyone who offered candid advice on my original post. You may have received an update sooner if not for all the people accusing me of faking it! All I can say is … this is my blissfully ridiculous reality now.

u/juryofone · 7h

Well hot damn, I have to hand it to you — this saga is even wilder than the original post let on! I went from being totally skeptical of the whole outrageous situation to being fully invested in this insane romance. Love that she put you through the wringer a bit before taking you back. You absolutely deserved that and more after treating her like you did.

But huge props to you for manning up with that apology and giving her the power to make the next move. That vulnerability and respect for her feelings despite your own doubts is what true partnership is all about. I have a feeling you two chaotic bastards are going to be just fine as a real couple now that all the crazy pretenses have been stripped away. Wishing you both nothing but more pandemonium and pettiness together!

u/neutralpartier · 7h

I’m officially obsessed with this love story. You went from hiring a woman off to punk your neighbor, to breaking her heart over catching feelings, to doing the MOST to grovel your way back into her good graces, to ACTUALLY SUCCEEDING. It’s romcom gold! I need this to get optioned for a movie immediately.

u/glasshalffull · 6h

As wild as this story has been from start to finish, this update has me straight up emotional! The groveling, the way you explained your fears, her roasting you for days before mercifully taking you back … my heart. Love that she cut straight through the bullshit by calling you an idiot AND acknowledging your good heart. That’s the ideal balance.

I’m so invested in this nonsense and need regular updates on how things progress from here. You better not blow it after all this chaos or I’ll be leading the charge to vandalize your apartment!

u/romanticempath · 5h

What a journey! To go from manufacturing a fake relationship purely for petty vengeance, to developing REAL emotional stakes, to breaking each other's hearts quite viscerally, to finding your way back together through sheer vulnerability? Incredible stuff.

I laughed, cried (a little, don’t judge), and cringed throughout this entire saga. Thank you for bringing us all along for the insane roller coaster. I wish nothing but ridiculous happiness for you and her moving forward!

u/fairytaledreamer · 4h

I’m sorry but I still can’t get over the fact that this is somehow a real series of events? You’re a madman and this is truly unhinged (but also incredible). How did ALL of this unfold before your 40s?

Romcoms have been put to bed. Welcome to 2024, where people actually hire fake GFs to get revenge on their scorned former friends, develop legit attachment issues, torpedo everything in a panic, grovel for redemption fit for cinematic history, and somehow STILL end up together in some sort of demented happily ever after!

All I can say is cherish the chaos you've manifested. I can’t wait to see what bonkers plotlines await the two you. Start recording everything for the biopic!

Reply to u/fairytaledreamer · 3h

“Cherish the chaos” is absolutely the perfect sign off for this update. I’m deceased at this whole wild drama, but also soooo invested! Cannot wait for the inevitable Netflix mini series. Thanks for the laughs, drama, and emotional whiplash!

r/offmychest

u/NotBritneySpears · 21h

My ex-bestie’s wedding to his obnoxious girlfriend was a nightmare … and so was their wedding night (unfortunately)

You’ll have to bear with me on this one, because I’m still reeling a bit from one of the most cringey, uncomfortable, and downright baffling weekends of my entire life. I need to get this off my chest before I have a full mental breakdown.

A couple years ago, I made a post venting about my former best friend’s new girlfriend at the time. For those who missed the saga, she was an insufferably loud woman who seemed to take immense pleasure in loudly narrating her sex life with my former friend right outside my apartment door. It was psychological warfare, plain and simple.

Well, I’m sure you can all see where this is going based on the title. Against all odds and reason, this woman and my ex-friend somehow stuck it out … until he put a ring on it last year. Which leads me to the first in a cascading series of mind-numbing events — receiving a wedding invitation from the happy couple!

Now, let’s be clear — I have not spoken to my former best friend in almost a decade at this point. Not since our cataclysmic falling out (a story for another day). We were thick as thieves until our bond was shattered beyond repair. For him to invite me to his wedding with the woman who crudely mocked their intimacy for my benefit was … certainly a choice.

On one hand, why on EARTH would you invite the person whose heart you deliberately stomped on so many years ago? It felt like a cruel joke, rubbing salt in an open wound that never fully healed. A reminder of their domestic bliss and my bitter ostracism.

Yet on the other hand, maybe there was a subconscious part of me that would have felt insulted if he didn’t invite me after so many shared years? As if he had utterly erased me from his life without a second thought? The thought gut punched me too in an admittedly unhealthy way.

Long story short, I RSVP’d yes … half out of morbid curiosity and half out of a deeply unwell desire to not get excluded from such a significant life event. In hindsight, a foolish decision that kicked off a horrifically uncomfortable series of events.

The wedding itself was … a lot. An over-the-top spectacle at an insanely expensive venue. My miserable self stuck out like a sore thumb surrounded by all the adoring couple’s friends and family. I sat through mushy vows reaffirming their “unlikely origin” in the “most unexpected yet fortuitous way” … while trying not to puke.

So yeah, sheer cringe start to finish. Little did I know the worst discomfort was yet to come!

In perhaps the most on-brand grand gesture of the entire weekend, the groom rented out an entire boutique hotel for all out-of-town guests to stay at after the reception. That way we could all keep the party going nearby before he whisked his new bride off to parts unknown on their honeymoon the next day.

Ever the gracious host with a penchant for the spectacle, he let wedding guests draw for their room assignments out of an actual top hat. I somehow managed to get seated right next to his parents who, while cordial enough, knew me as the ex-best friend responsible for so much fractured history.

But wait, there’s more! Wouldn’t you know, the universe is supremely messed up because I ended up with the room directly underneath the newlywed suite. Yes … I spent their wedding night listening to a live-streamed porn broadcast courtesy of the paper-thin walls and floors.

Dolphin sounds didn’t even BEGIN to cover the unholy noises raining down from above around 2am. I’m talking full-on screams of unbridled passion echoing off the walls at maximum volume. Mind you, this woman had become infamous for over-enunciating their coitus for my benefit previously. Now it was a frighteningly real-life rendition that no noise-cancelling headphones could drown out.

I finally had to flee my room to the lobby. I ended up crashing on one of the lobby couches until an employee politely asked me to leave around 6am. Disheveled, disoriented, and officially diagnosed with PTSD from the sounds I cannot unhear.

So yeah … not exactly a therapeutic reunion that could have allowed my ex-friend and I to bury the hatchet. If anything, this wedding was one massive “screw you” that opened up all the same unresolved wounds. I need about 20 years of intensive therapy to move on.

I also need to find a new place to live because I can’t bear returning to that cursed apartment building.

u/chronicgossiper · 18h

Dude, I think you need to get some serious perspective here. Your ex-friend getting married and going on a honeymoon has absolutely zero to do with you. That level of self-centeredness is off the charts.

Why in the world would this guy plan an entire wedding — one of the biggest days of his life — around secretly tormenting you again over ancient history? That makes no sense. He invited you as a polite gesture after years apart, probably hoping to start burying the hatchet. The room assignments were random by your own admission.

As for the … “noises” … look, they were on their wedding night. Maybe overenthusiastic, but 100% to be expected between newlyweds. It’s not some psychological ploy, just poor planning on their part for thin walls. You’re projecting like crazy if you think that was directed at you specifically.

At a certain point, you have to realize the universe doesn’t actually revolve around your grudges or history with this person. They’ve clearly moved on to live their best life. It’s on you to stop obsessing over them and do the same.

Reply to u/chronicgossiper · 16h

I agree, this is just pure paranoia from OP. No newly wedded couple is sitting around thinking “how can we sneakily stick it to your ex-best friend during our wedding festivities?” That’s deranged thinking.

They invited you to be polite, you drew an unlucky room assignment near their suite, and then biology happened on their wedding night. Hilarious and awkward coincidence? Yes. Intricately designed fuck you from the bride and groom? Come on now, that’s giving them way too much credit.

u/NotBritneySpears · 13h

Maybe you all have a point, and I am still holding onto way too much resentment and baggage from our falling out. My intention wasn’t to imply they orchestrated an elaborate sting operation around their wedding. More just a general sense that the universe has a funny way of reminding me about them at highly inconvenient times over the years.

Reply to u/NotBritneySpears · 12h

Even that line of thinking is incredibly self-centered though. Why would random coincidences or them just … living their lives be the “universe’s way of reminding you” about your failed friendship? That makes it sound like they should perpetually be walking on eggshells and avoiding certain life events just because you can’t get over the past.

Look, it sucks that things fell apart so badly between you two. But they have clearly moved on, as you should too. This obsessive framing of their marriage as some universal affront to you is … not healthy, my dude.

u/nosyandproud · 10h

The wedding itself sounds like it was in poor taste for sure, so I can certainly understand feeling aggravated and triggered being there as the scorned former friend.

That said … you’re borrowing A LOT of trouble by assuming any of their private wedding night activities were purposely being broadcast to you specifically. Projection level 1000 there.

At the end of the day, these people have built a whole entire life and future together now that quite literally has nothing to do with you anymore. You looking for “signs” that they’re still fixated on you is just self-involvement. For your own mental health, you have to let go of whatever happened and see them as background characters in the story of your life now.

u/realitychecker · 7h

OP, you need to take a step back and realize that the sheer logistics involved in purposely torturing you at their wedding are just not plausible. Do you really think they were like:

“Alright honey, for our wedding night I was thinking we should make sure your former friend gets the room directly below ours! That way when we really get after it, he’ll be able to hear every excruciating moan and body smacking sound in haunting detail! That’ll show him for being your friend a decade ago! Mwahaha!”

Come on, mate. That’s delusional cartoon villain level scheming you’re attributing to them. Occam's Razor — they just wanted to consummate their marriage in privacy and didn’t account for the thin hotel walls. The world doesn’t actually revolve around your history with this!

Reply to u/realitychecker · 5h

Lmaooo the idea of them sitting around strategizing the most psychological warfare possible on their wedding night is killing me. “Yes honey, we simply MUST reenact scenes from our noisiest adult films for your ex-best friend’s terrible pleasure!”

u/buildingbridges

OP, it seems like you really miss having your friend in your life if I’m reading between the lines here. Getting invested to this level over random coincidences at his wedding doesn’t come from a place of hatred, but hurt and longing for that bond again.

My advice? Use this weekend as a wake-up call to stop obsessing, reflect on whatever caused your rift, and decide if you want to properly reconnect. If not, you need to rip that band-aid off for good and stop torturing yourself over what will never be again. Or the walls between you two will just get thinner and thinner ...

r/ask

u/amateurdetective · 15h

I think these juicy Reddit posts actually interconnect … but I need your help cracking the code

I think I’ve stumbled onto something wild here and I need the Reddit hive mind to help me piece this tangled web together. Are you ready for some batshit conspiracy-level connecting of barely-there dots? Too bad, I’m going in anyway.

So, over the past few years, I kept seeing these extremely juicy, dramatically-written posts pop up every few months that seemed … oddly interconnected despite being in different subreddits.

Hear me out:

First there was the unhinged post in r/offmychest from a guy ranting about his former best friend’s obnoxious new girlfriend. Dude was griping about how this woman would loudly recount the smutty details of her sex life with the ex-friend whenever she was in his general vicinity, seemingly just to mess with the OP. We’re talking legitimately disturbing stuff about feeling “psychologically tortured” by her oversharing.

Fast forward a few months and I stumble across a wild post in r/relationships from the perspective of this same “obnoxious” girlfriend! Except her story painted a whole different, unhinged picture — she was hired on FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE by the former friend to literally move in and fake date him as part of an ongoing revenge plot against the OP from the first post. She rapidly develops legitimate feelings for the guy and it becomes a messy will-they-won’t-they romcom situation.

But THEN there was a follow-up post from the fake boyfriend’s side in r/AmITheAsshole about him realizing he caught feelings too before nearly blowing it, followed by another saga-capping update about them deciding to pursue a real relationship against all odds and absurdity.

Are you seeing the parallels here? These three posters each gave one side of an absolute dumpster fire of a convoluted love triangle situation that seemingly intersected. And based on the intricate backstories, my crackpot theory is they all emanated from the same formerly tight friend group that experienced a bitter falling out.

The insane attention to detail, literary flair, and geometry of it all almost had me utterly convinced these were all fictionalized creative writing exercises posted separately across Reddit … but building on the same unhinged storylines each step of the way.

I’m utterly obsessed with mapping this all out into one cohesive narrative now. My working theory is something like this:

Some guy hired an actress to pose as his fake GF and torment his former friend as revenge for some past betrayal

The two fake partners rapidly caught real feelings amid the ruse, he panics and nearly torpedoes it

Meanwhile, the ex-best friend is losing his mind overhearing the fake girlfriend’s loud performances and comes to Reddit for advice, not realizing it’s all a ploy

After a saga of miscommunication, the fake boyfriend comes clean and the couple decide to actually date for real

Capping things off, the former friend is forced to attend their wedding where he’s subjected to one final night of unholy noises

Does it all track? Or have I completely unraveled the conspiracy and stumbled onto a drastically personal set of circumstances being workshopped on Reddit? If so, that’s some ludicrously elaborate storytelling!

I need to know if I’m onto something here or completely off my rocker. If the former, I’ll burn every last calorie mapping out a master record of events across all the posts. If the latter … someone needs to drop their juicy fanfic writing prompts because these were WILDLY entertaining reads.

Help me connect these dots or point me towards any other potentially linked tales! This has been a public service aneurysm brought to you by pure boredom.

u/scepeticbynature · 14h

Wow, you’ve gone full Sherlock Holmes with this. I’m dying at how insanely detailed your working theory is in tying together these random Reddit posts into one cohesive narrative. This is either a brilliant piece of performance art … or you need your meds adjusted, my friend.

Reply to u/scepticbynature · 12h

Hahaha exactly! The amount of time and brain power OP has devoted to mapping this out is beyond obsessive. I don’t know whether to applaud the commitment to the bit or get them professional help.

u/amateurdetective · 10h

I’m sorry, did you actually read through the posts in question? The intersecting pieces of random, elaborate backstory between all three distinct voices is way too specific and layered for it to be an accidental alignment. There are unambiguous throughlines about:

A pair of feuding former childhood best friends

One hiring a woman off Facebook to pose as his fake GF and torment the other as revenge

Said fake relationship descending into a very real emotional entanglement for both parties

The eventual fallout of the ex-friend having to bear witnessing the real couple’s wedding and chaos that followed

Like that’s such a bizarrely specific plot keeping consistent across three different users’ lenses! So you’re either pointing out the artistry of someone doing an incredibly elaborate creative writing exercise across multiple subs … or these people are just leading unbelievably unhinged lives. And part of me hopes it’s the latter? It’s too batshit crazy not to be true!

Reply to u/amateurdetective · 9h

Or, and hear me out … it’s all an internal dialogue you’re having with your numerous Reddit personalities to work out your own unresolved relationship issues. We’re all just incredibly intricate fragments of your aching psyche!

u/opinionatedtruther · 7h

Lmao you are both nuts, but I have to side with OP on this one. The chances of these being all interconnected fabricated stories is way too perfect to be an accident. All the tiny threads and recurring backstories/character details woven between wildly different subreddit posts? That’s not a coincidence.

I could buy it maybe being some extended Reddit fanfic experiment between a couple of redditors seeing who can craft more engaging characters and drama while world-building off each other’s plot threads. Like a weird form of collabing through the confined lens of Reddit posts. It would be pretty genius if so.

But for it to be entirely real with all the coinciding details scattered across entirely unrelated posts like that? I’m sorry, but there’s just no way. That’s beyond the scope of believability for me. OP may be bungling the conspiracy, but they’re onto something for sure!

u/amateurdetective · 6h

THANK YOU, someone gets it! And to answer your other theory … while I can’t 100% rule out some sort of viral Reddit fanfic experiment, I struggle to believe even the most creative writers would be capable of improvising THAT intricately interconnected of a storyline stream-of-consciousness style like that.

Like each voice and perspective they inhabit remains remarkably consistent across such wildly different contexts (relationship drama, life events, ethical debates, and updates). It would take incredible skill to stay in the headspaces of these distinct individuals and keep their personalities/plot orbits from tangling into an incomprehensible mess. While possible, it seems incredibly unlikely.

That’s what has me believing there’s a remarkable kernel of stranger-than-fiction truth at the heart of this whole saga being teased out piece-by-piece. Or again … I’ve finally been gaslit into being a tin foil hatter of beautiful Reddit fantasies. Either way I’m here for it!

Reply to u/amateurdetective · 3h

All I have to say is please touch some grass and post to r/creativewriting instead 🙄

1K notes · View notes

vinvantae · 4 months

Text

How the current f1 grid would react coming home from a race to find you’d fallen asleep on the sofa waiting for them to come home.

So this is me trying to get back into the groove, hope you like it! All just a bit of fun 🥰

There’s now a part 2!

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Below the cut because I don’t want to flood your dash 💙💙

#1 Max Verstappen

Max’s reaction would be entirely dependent on when his last Redbull was. If he was feeling just as sleep deprived as you, he’d squeeze onto the sofa with you and snuggle up beside you - smiling to himself as you grumbled into his chest about how much you’d missed him before the two of you dozed off, both eventually waking up with sore backs. But if he’d thrown back his millionth Redbull on the plane, just to ensure he was awake enough to see you - he would for sure prod his fingers into your sides, tickling you until you were squealing for him to stop, the biggest shit eating grin on his face. Max Emillian! Get those hands off of me! Before he’d kiss you deeply, showing you just how much he’d missed you.

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#2. Logan Sargeant

After draping a blanket over you, he’d cosy himself up in the adjacent armchair and distract himself with the TV on quietly or something on his phone until you woke up. And as you groggily moved from the sofa to the armchair, curling yourself up in his lap - complaining that he should’ve woken you up, it’s been too long without you, he’d simply smile and kiss your forehead. He’d then listen to you yap away about what he’d missed while he was gone, but truthfully, even when you were asleep your company was enough, because even if he felt lonely on the grid sometimes - he never felt like that with you.

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#3. Daniel Ricciardo

Daniel would stand over your sleeping body for a few moments - torn between waking you up because he misses you or just letting you sleep a while. But feeling particularly selfish after not the best race, he’d crouch next to your face and gently stroke his thumb over your cheek whilst calling your pet name to get your attention. And seeing your eyes light up at the sigh of him, launching yourself from your comfy spot on the sofa into his arms would make him forget all his worries - even for just a minute. You’d kiss all over his face, making him laugh. G’day to you too, Sheila, miss me that much?

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#4. Lando Norris

He wouldn’t even get the chance to notice you sleeping, hollering out your name as he came through the front door - kicking off his shoes and dumping his suitcase too was more than plenty to wake you up. As he comes into the living room to see you sitting up and rubbing your eyes - he’d wince and apologise for waking you, I am sooooo sorry, babe. Am I forgiven?, before coming over to give you a kiss. But you’d smile, rolling your eyes playfully and say you wouldn’t have him any other way before hauling him down onto the couch to join you.

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#10. Pierre Gasly

Pierre is a needy boyfriend - of course he’d never admit it but you and anyone with a pair of eyes could see it. He craved your attention so waking you up was something he would do without even thinking - just to get a kiss. So when you feel the sofa dip and a warm hand come up to rest on your shoulder, you let your eyes flutter open to see him smiling down at you. Bonjour, mon amour, I’ve missed you. And as he leans down to kiss you, you can’t help but playfully rib him for waking you up just for an ounce of attention.

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#14. Fernando Alonso

You wouldn’t even realise he was home until he’d placed a mug of your favourite hot drink on the coffee table. He was so quiet on his feet that he had a habit of making you jump so when you heard the soft Mi Amor of your lover, you jolted awake. Nando, you’re home - why didn’t you wake me sooner? He’d simply smile and hand you your drink, saying he didn’t want to disturb you and that it gave him time to unpack. As you sit up to drink, he’d nestle himself beside you and drape an arm across your shoulders, before the two of you would fall into a conversation about his weekend.

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#16. Charles Leclerc

Charles endeared you like no one else - every time he came home late from a race weekend, determined not to wake you, he always found himself dropping something or accidentally closing a door too loud. He wanted to let you sleep but this time it was the jar of coffee and the tiled floor that were his biggest enemy. Most people would freak at the sound of breaking glass while they slept, but to you it was the sign your clumsy boyfriend was home. He’d apologise profusely as you stepped into the kitchen with a tired smile on your face but you’d simply step around the glass to take his face in your hands and kiss him, getting rid of any worry.

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#18. Lance Stroll

With a gentle touch to your knee and a soft whisper of your name, Lance would smile to himself as you stretched out and yawned - matching his smile as you sat up to hug him. Before he’d reach into his bag and pull out something he’d seen he knew you’d love. You’d always scold him for buying you things but there was nothing Lance loved more than picking you out something from each country he visited. And you could never stay mad when you opened it, your boyfriend was the most thoughtful gift giver and never had he put something tasteless in your lap. And boy, did he love reaping the reward.

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#20. Kevin Magnussen

Coming home to a quiet house was rare for Kevin, so when he did - the driver did everything in his power to keep it that way. Knowing you’d somehow got the kids to sleep despite his pending return home, it was not something worth risking. So when he found you asleep on the sofa, clearly in an attempt to wait up for him as evidenced by the half drunk cup of coffee and the book splayed across your chest, he’d slide his arms underneath you and take the two of you to bed. Your body so tired that you barely registered the movement, only curling up into his chest once his strong arms wrapped around you.

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#22. Yuki Tsunoda

It was usually the smell of something cooking that woke you, no matter the hour - Yuki could never resist whipping both of you up something delicious because the plane home always made him hungry. So as you padded to the kitchen to peer over his shoulder, what’s cooking good lookin’? He’d apologise for waking you but would offer you a taste of whatever delicious food he’d decided to make and that was more than enough of an apology. And once you were up, you could sit contently on the counter as he rambled away about his weekend.

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#23. Alex Albon

After taking various photos of you snoozing, including an awful 0.5x close up that you’d have to wrestle his phone out of his hand to stop him posting to instagram once you discovered it, he’d wedge himself in behind you and wrap his arms around you - pressing a kiss to your warm forehead. Missed you he’d whisper gonna put you in my pocket next time, bring you with me. His long fingers tracing up and down your spine as you pressed your cheek against his chest, just enjoying the feelings of his arms around you once again. Not quite ready to wake up but determined to make the most of your time with him.

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#24. Zhou Guanyu

Thankfully, Guanyu was always quiet on his feet - moving around your shared space like he was floating on air, laying your favourite fluffy blanket over your body before checking the house for any remaining chores. But of course you’d done them all, and well he had missed you, so disturbing you just enough to move your head onto his lap so he could stroke his fingers through your hair was his next move. Watching the way you almost purred and pushed into his touch. How long have you been back? He’d simply brush his finger down the slope of your nose. Not long, want to head up to bed? Be comfier there.

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#31. Esteban Ocon

Mon lapin? Where are you? Esteban cursed under his breath when he realised he’d woken you up by calling out - but the guilt faded when you smiled giddily at him. Estie, mon amour, come here. Your arms outstretched for the Frenchman, giggling with glee when he practically launched himself into your arms - showering your face with kisses. He always missed you endlessly when you couldn’t join him on a race weekend, FaceTime couldn’t compare to the feeling of having you wrapped up with him.

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#44. Lewis Hamilton

Lewis was almost shocked when you and Roscoe didn’t greet him at the door, you loved making sure the old pup was there to greet his Dad. But after gently pushing off his shoes, leaving his luggage to deal with later, he moved into the lounge to find you and the bulldog curled up together on the sofa - Roscoe’s large head on your chest, little tail wagging as soon as he laid eyes on Lewis. Hey buds, looking good! He’d whisper, giving him a scratch. You and Mama having a good nap, huh? He’d smile as you stretched your arms out above your head, his name leaving your lips softly before he lent down to kiss you. Let me make us some tea.

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#55. Carlos Sainz

Carlos always craved your touch, but when the two of you had to spend time apart - he felt like his skin was on fire. So as he stepped into your home and found you dozing on the sofa he couldn’t help but feel his shoulders slump for just a moment before kneeling beside you - letting his tanned fingers trace up the exposed skin of your legs. Corazón, I’m home. You blinked hard a few times to wake yourself up but before you could even think, his strong arms scooped you up and off the sofa. Carlos! You’d laugh, as he tossed you on the bed, crawling between your legs, his lips tugged into a smirk. I’ve been without you for too long, Mi Vida. Need you.

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#63. George Russell

You hadn’t even realised George was home, but when you woke up - both of you were dozing in bed, the Brit had moved you upstairs, somehow without waking you up. George, love? How come you didn’t wake me? His long arms would wind around you and pull you in close, nuzzling his face into your neck - warm breath fanning across your skin. You just looked so peaceful and I was tired so I thought we may as well just sleep. You hummed, pushing your fingers through his hair with a gentle smile on your face. I’ll let you off this once, missed you loads.

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#77. Valtteri Bottas

It was late when Valtteri got in, so he assumed you’d already be tucked up in bed - but when he saw you on the sofa, sleeping features illuminated by the soft glow of the table lamp he couldn’t help but feel a tug at his heartstrings at your effort to wait up for him. Carefully, he pulled the blanket off of the back of the couch and laid it over you before putting out the candle you’d accidentally left burning, no wonder it smelt so good in here. But, he didn’t want you to wake up with a bad back in the morning so reluctantly, he gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze. Hi, ready to go to bed? You hummed and kissed him softly. Tried to wait up for you. Val smiled and helped you to your feet, before the two of you headed upstairs for a good night's sleep.

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#81. Oscar Piastri

You’d been so excited when you got Oscar’s text that his plane had landed that you were determined to wait up for him - but before long you were out cold, a movie playing in the background and your phone discarded on the floor where it had slipped from your fingers. As he came in he could hear the tv so naturally assumed you were awake, so he would move quickly to get to you - only to find you fast asleep. Oscar smiled gently, picking your phone up off the floor and turning off the tv. He wanted to let you sleep but he’d missed you so dearly, and wanting nothing more than to hear your voice he decided to wake you. Oscar! You beamed, jumping into his arms - wrapping yourself around him. You’re here, you’re home! He nestled himself up in your arms, enjoying the warmth of your body against his - feeling the stress melt away. Definitely worth waking you up for.

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Hope y’all enjoyed this lil something

Didn’t write for Perez and Hulkenburg because I just don’t feel confident or comfortable doing so!

Thank u to @carsgonyoom @vetteltea and @danielfuckingricciardo for letting me annoy u with it first 💙

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ln444 · 6 months

Text

welcome !

cyra, 22, she/her, fr, team mclaren<3

⏸️ requests on hold !

byf/before requesting:

MDNI +18

drivers i write for: lando norris, oscar piastri, charles leclerc, carlos sainz, george russell, lewis hamilton, max verstappen.

(only with requests): pierre gasly, esteban ocon.

yes: smut, fluff, angst, smau, texts.

no: driver x driver, poly, threesomes or +, hard kinks (rape, knife play, etc...), anything related to discrimination, eating disorder, mental illness (unless it's anxiety).

⚠️english is not my first language, sry if i make any grammatical mistakes / i only write requests i'm comfortable with and that inspires me:)

masterlist | https://wearethechange.carrd.co/

#f1 #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #lando norris #oscar piastri #carlos sainz #charles lecrelc #max verstappen #george russell #lewis hamilton #pierre gasly #esteban ocon #f1 drabble #f1 fanfic #f1 smau #f1 fluff #f1 smut #f1 angst

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daydreamingleclerc · 2 years

Text

two plus two is four - mick schumacher

summary: in which, your boyfriend finds out you’re pregnant after you play a game of pregnancy test roulette.

warnings: a little bit of smut midway through it nothing too graphic, swearing, babies, confusion, uncles charles, carlos, este and seb!

requested: no

notes: yes... i’ve written yet another self indulgent pregnancy fic... anyway....

huddled over the bathroom counter, the four of you - charlotte, elena, isabel and you - kept eager eyes on the pregnancy tests sitting on the counter.

it was a funny idea you’d seen circling around on tiktok, a group of friends would all take a pregnancy test, write their initials on it, mix them around and take one from the counter to see if any of the members were pregnant.

it was a stupid decision right from the get-go, especially considering none of you could wait until you got back to the closest house, so you took them in the shopping center bathroom.

“what’re we gonna do if any of us are pregnant?” charlotte asked, nibbling at her finger ever so slightly.

“nothing, because we won’t be,” you shrugged, but your face quickly lit up in a smirk, “why? have you got something you want to say, lottie?”

she scowled over at you, the back of her knuckles skimming your bare shoulder as she attempted to shove you, but missed. isabel frowned — she’d just had a baby, a gorgeous baby girl called zoe, who was spending the day with her daddy at the beach, and she really wasn’t prepared for another.

“zoe’s only six months,” she sighed, “i think carlos might faint if i’m pregnant again.”

“are you?” you asked, wiggling around your eyebrows in isabel’s direction. she shrugged her shoulders, and you could see the genuine panic on her face, and when she didn’t answer straight away, the panic in her body language became clear.

“i know i’m not pregnant,” elena said quietly after a few minutes, “because unlike you—” she pointed at the three of you, “—esteban and i are safe.”

“mick and i are safe!” you laughed, swatting her hand away. for a minute, you’d truly convinced yourself that you had nothing to worry about, that your life wasn’t about to completely change — but oh, how wrong you were.

charlotte’s phone dinged and the alarm chimed, signifying that the two minutes were up. the initials were on the back of everyone’s tests and you made sure to have a different one to your own — you had charlotte’s, charlotte had isabel’s, isabel had elena’s and elena had yours.

“times up, i’ll read it out first, ready?” you asked, and when they all nodded, charlotte looked at you with eager, yet anxious eyes, “charlotte sine, you are not pregnant.”

she did a little dance around on the spot, and then turned her attention to isabel, who — much to her relief — was not pregnant. “thank god for that,” she sighed, whispering something in spanish that you didn’t understand.

elena too, wasn’t pregnant, and in hindsight you wanted to scream at her for being so smug. you were almost one hundred percent certain yours would come back negative, until — “Y/N, you’re pregnant.”

“what?!”

the silence was deafening, and you felt as if your knees were going to give way underneath you. “elly, please tell me you’re joking,” you breathed steadily. the three girls all huddled around the stick in elena’s hands, while you stood opposite, gripping the counter so harshly your fingers turned completely white.

“Y/N, she’s not joking,” charlotte whispered, pulling the test from elena’s hands and handing it out to you, “see.”

despite charlotte’s shaky hands, you could clearly see a second line. you racked your brain in your panic, frustrating yourself when you couldn’t pinpoint a night it could’ve happened — but that’s because it didn’t happen at night.

“i’m gonna be sick,” you groaned, kicking open the door of the closest cubicle and leaning over the bowl. elena was quick to grab your hair, and isabel kneeled beside you and rubbed your back soothingly. “i’m twenty three, mick and i have only been together for eighteen months, he’s gonna completely freak if i tell him i’m pregnant!”

“maybe he won’t,” isabel hummed, playing devils advocate, but she soon changed the subject when you shot her a look full of daggers. “do you know how this happened?”

you shrugged your shoulders, resting your cheek on the cool china of the toilet seat — this was officially the lowest moment of your adult life. “about six weeks ago,” you felt awkward giving the details of your sex life to them, especially in a public bathroom, but you’d just vomited horrendously, so you were sure it would only get better. “we’re normally so careful, but there was one morning where we thought we’d be fine — but he pulled out and everything,” you furrowed your eyebrows, “how am i gonna tell him?”

“maybe it’s a false pregnancy,” charlotte offered, “it might help to do another one just so we have a definitive answer,” she furrowed her eyebrows, “have you not skipped a period?”

you shook your head, “i don’t get periods, lottie, and if i do they’re always months apart,” you could feel a horrendous amount of vomit sitting inside of your stomach, waiting to be brought up but you fought it off, “i didn’t even think i could have kids, how am i gonna tell him without him freaking out?”

isabel and elena looked at one another – you were being stupid. elena had heard countless times from mick about how much he loved you, and how much he wished you would stay in his life forever. elena believed – and on some level, she may have been right – that mick already knew you were pregnant.

“all he ever does is talk about you and family and how much he adores you,” elena reassured you, her other hand stroking at your palm, “i promise that mick will be ecstatic, just look at the way he treats zoe,” she paused, looking at isa, “that man was born to be a father, i’m telling you, Y/N.”

“okay, maybe you're right,” for a moment, the three girls almost took a sigh of relief, “but what if he walks away when i tell him i am gonna go through with this? what then?”

“then…” charlotte trailed off, before kneeling down beside you and joining the three of you on the floor, “then that little boy or girl will have three aunts and three uncles who adore the pants off of them.”

“really?” you perked up, a soft, but exhausted smile on your lips.

“oh yeah,” isa smiled, “we won’t let you do this all on your own.”

despite isabel saying that she and the girls wouldn’t let you go through this pregnancy alone, there was one thing you had to do without them – your first scan.

several weeks had passed since that day, and mick was none the wiser. you weren’t one hundred percent sure how or why he hadn’t cottoned on, but you made sure to wear clothing that was a slightly looser fit than usual, and you were careful not to slip up. nobody apart from the girls – and carlos – knew; as a father himself, he realised quickly that you’d had a change in demeanor and it didn’t take long for the ball to drop.

you’d planned for an afternoon where you could all get together, nothing big or important, just for you and mick, with the girls, charles, carlos, esteban, sebastian and hanna. as much as you wanted mick’s parents and sister, as well as your own parents, you thought it might’ve been slightly too overwhelming for your boyfriend, especially if he frowned upon you making the decision to keep his child.

carlos had done his best to keep the boys from even clocking it, dragging them all to golf early that morning to give you some peace and quiet. sebastian and hanna arrived together, along with their kids, earlier than you’d asked them to. isa, elena and charlotte were already there too, making the livingroom look admirable.

seb’s children snuck away almost as soon as they arrived to go and play with angie and bobby after giving you a cuddle. “i told you guys not to get here until three thirty,” you smiled, giving each of them a kiss on the cheek.

“we know,” sebastian laughed, handing you a present, “but we thought we’d come early to congratulate you on the pregnancy.”

“how did you–”

“—because we’ve been there too, Y/N, the invite was frantic, you’re wearing slightly loose fitting clothes and you’re so worried you’re gonna slip up, you’ve gone quiet,” he chuckled, kissing your cheek, “mick’ll be a great dad.”

“let’s hope he doesn’t freak out first.” you sighed, running your hands over your face. before sebastian could comfort you anymore, the doorbell chimed. isabel, charlotte and elena all emerged at the living room door, and ushered sebastian and hanna inside.

“did somebody order a bouquet?” mick asked you when you swung open the door, a big, bright toothy grin covering his face as he held a big, red bouquet of roses in front of you.

“what’re these for?” you asked him, taking the bouquet and admiring the beautiful flowers. mick just smiled, kissing your cheek and stroking your chin.

“no reason,” he said, “i just love you.”

everybody surrounding you could’ve gagged there and then at his sweetness, at the delicate nature in which he treated you. you couldn’t help but smile, a real, genuine smile that lit up the apples of your cheeks. “i love you too, mick.”

carlos, charles and esteban piled into the house, just like they always did after mick brought them back after a round of golf. “i promised them we’d cook dinner,” he said, his hand resting on the small of your back as he followed you into the kitchen, “‘s that okay?”

“mhm,” you nodded, barely even listening to him as he spoke. he rested his chin on your shoulder and wrapped his arms around your waist as you sorted the roses, and you wondered then if he could sense the pregnancy. “i invited the girls round anyway while you were all out, and sebastian’s popped in too.”

“oh, so that’s why angie and bobby haven’t come up to say hello.” he scrunched his nose, and you leaned around and pressed your lips to his.

mick’s lips pressed against your neck and you shivered in his embrace, the feeling all too familiar — and you knew where you’d end up if he carried on. “mick, c’mon we’ve got guests,” you giggled, attempting to wriggled away from his lips but you failed, allowing him to work his way down your neck softly, “we can’t leave them waiting.”

mick hummed against your neck, running his hands along the waistband of your leggings. at this point as of the last 10 days, you’d stop him because you were worried he would feel the bump; but it was hardly noticeable even to you.

he carried on, dipping his fingers underneath the waistband and kissing down your neck once more. “believe me, if you were wearing one of their jersey’s i think they’d understand,” his middle finger circled your clit and you shivered, too wrapped up in the moment to even stop him as your eyes fluttered closed, “besides, charles is a good cook, we can let him do it.”

“i’m not cooking dinner so you guys can fuck,” charles piped up from the kitchen doorway. your face went bright red, and mick shielded you while simultaneously pulling his arm from your leggings. “god, you’re insufferable.”

“don’t act like you and charlotte aren’t any better,” you rolled your eyes, continuing with separating the roses as if that never even happened, “remember bali?”

charles’ face lit up in a gradual smirk as he thought back to the time where you were all on holiday together and as you left for the beach without charles and charlotte, you were the unlucky one who forgot your sunglasses and ventured into the villa only to find them going at it full throttle on the floor beside the pool.

you and mick followed everybody into the living room and watched with grotesque faces as everybody swapped sex stories and charles told everybody about the gruesome discovery he walked into in the kitchen. mick pulled you down beside him, so you were nuzzled next to him on his armchair in the corner of the room that was reminiscent of his fathers, just about big enough for the two of you.

he began to sense an element of nervousness within you, one which he’d never really seen before. you were fidgety, and you were quiet — which was rare in itself, because you were normally always the one who brought out the stories.

“are you okay?” mick whispered, running his fingers on your stomach underneath his shirt.

you shifted, almost certain that he knew about the baby. charlotte and carlos caught onto what was going on, your hushed tones and fidgety movements, and they watched you eagerly.

“mick, there’s something i need to tell you,” you said, your voice barely a whisper yet the whole room had eyes on you. panic flashed across mick’s face, worried as to what you were going to say. “i, uh, i don’t really know how to tell you.” your eyes burned with tears, and for a moment mick thought you were going to tell him that there was somebody else, and that the somebody else in question was in this room. he could see your hands shaking, and your voice wobbled every time you tried to speak.

“you haven’t cheated on me, have you?” he asked, and immediately you shook your head; no. he breathed a sigh of relief and instinctively you brought a hand up to rest on his chin. mick kissed your thumb, “baby, you can tell me, whatever it is, i won’t be mad, you know that.”

mick’s hands came to rest on your cheeks now, his thumbs situated under your eyes so they could rub away any tears. everyone watched you eagerly, their anticipation hanging so heavily it was ready to burst at any moment.

“mickie, baby,” you whispered, kissing his palms, and using the nickname only he allowed you to give him; not even his mother was allowed to call him that. “i’m pregnant.”

as soon as the words left your lips, it felt like a huge weight off of your shoulders, but for everyone else it was unexpected. isa began to sob, and carlos wrapped a hand around her shoulders as the pair reminisced. charles’ mouth swung open, his jaw almost hitting the floor as he listened to the words leave your mouth, and esteban had to ask elena, sebastian and hanna if he’d heard you correctly.

mick’s face lit up almost immediately, although at first he had a look of disbelief in his eyes. his smile grew and grew until it couldn’t grow any wider. he brought your face closer to his, and he kissed you softly.

“du bist schwanger?” (you’re pregnant?)

“ja, mick,” you smiled back, forehead pressed against his, “i am.”

“are you sure?”

he knew the question was stupid — you wouldn’t have gotten so worked up if the answer wasn’t a definite yes.

“when did this happen?” he furrowed his eyebrows all while still smiling, “we’re always safe.”

“silverstone, baby,” you whispered, “the morning after, and we didn’t have anything with us because we were with my parents.”

mick shivered at the thought, flashbacks of the sex ran wild in his head and he had to think of something else before he embarrassed himself in front of the guests. “but i pulled out..”

“obviously not quick enough, mickie.” charles and carlos taunted, but after a quick slap from their significant others and a look of daggers from you, they kept quiet. you hopped out of mick’s lap and handed him the small bag you’d hidden down the side of one of the sofa cushions, rubbing charles’ head like a little puppy as he still sat there in disbelief.

“here,” you smiled, and admired his smile as he took it. “i had the first scan this morning.”

“how many weeks are you?”

esteban lulled you and mick out of your little bubble and you turned back to face him. mick was too engrossed in the little post-it’s you scribbled on, with a photocopy of the scan that you could point things out with. “ten,” you hummed. before you could open your mouth to continue the sentence, mick almost jumped out of the seat and took you with him.

“baby, wir haben zwillinge?”

“mick, german,” you nudged him with a giggle, with only sebastian and hanna catching the gist of what he was saying. he looked at you with furrowed eyebrows, “baby, you said it in german, say it in english.”

“we’re having twins?”

poor charles sitting in the corner almost had a heart attack, you felt for the poor boy because you felt the same when you were told at the hospital. carlos cheered, and esteban threw himself back on the sofa with his hands over his face in disbelief at the fact that he would now, undoubtedly, be an uncle to two schumacher babies. seb just smiled on at you and mick proudly; you really would be great parents.

“yes, mickie, we’re having twins,” you kissed him softly, “surprise.”

he wrapped his arms around you and in turn you nuzzled yourself in the crook of his neck. “i love you,” he whispered, “and our babies.”

“i love you too, mick,” you kissed his nose, and started laughing at the outpour of noise that was coming from behind you. “our babies will be loved for all of eternity, and not just by us.”

“god forbid we ever ban them from seeing these guys,” he laughed, “you and i will no longer be their favourites.”

you kissed his nose once more, “that’s not a bad thing.”

“no, in fact, it’s perfect,” he said, “but maybe now we can persuade charles to cook dinner so we can finish what we started in the kitchen earlier.”