Sometimes i feel sad having AV1 as my obsession out of all the games in the series because it's the older game - it doesn't have the cooler, more modern UI design/animations/multi-expression faceset/cutscenes/battle system that, for example, later AV3/AV4 has

Honestly the only things holding strong in AV1 for me are the characters and story - yes, these two are amazing, no doubt - but! Imagine what it'd be like if it had AV4's tech too! arrrghh major hearteyes

Rewatching some AV4 playthroughs and am just in love with the player experience, how different the battle is, how a quest pops up, the way the character pictures slide in the dialogue box

Ahhh AV4 tech my love

things i noticed/thoughts about most recent rewatches of dps (plus laserdisk deleted scenes):

whenever theres a group scene i've started watching the characters that the story isn't focusing on to see what they do and i've been having a fun time with that. pitts and cameron specifically seem to almost always be doing something interesting in the background.

hopkins!!!! my favorite minor character who somehow got character development despite having like 2 lines!!!! the last guy to stand on the desk but he did it!!!

sometimes i do like to think about what the rest of the students thought about the dead poets society, esp in alternate timeline neil lives dps keeps meeting universe. like yeah theres this guy in their class whose one of the most credited students in the school and we think he maybe started a cult. idk though. but that group runs out into the woods every few days to do god knows what and one of them keeps talking about "dead poets honor" whatever that means and holy shit welton star student neil perry started a cult.

i watched the movie with headphones. and maybe it's because ive seen this movie Far too many times and mabe i'm listening too hard but it was Really obvious sometimes when audio was added in post production. llke in the sweaty toothed madman scene when you can hear laughing and to be fair the camera is behind their heads. but it does Not look like anyone's laughing. my favorite is at the end of the phone call to chris scene where knox is like i'm gonna seize the day!! and runs up the stairs and the poets are cheering him on and neil is sort of yelling "carpe!!!!" and i could be wrong but i'm like 75% certain that the person singing is Also rsl so now neil is just speaking two times at once somehow. anyways it didn't ruin the experience for me or anything it was maybe just a little bit funny to notice but very sorry if this did ruin anyone's viewing.

people talk a lot about how rsl and ethan hawke really made their characters what they are but i have to add dylan kussman to that list. I get the impression that older versions of the movie didn't really give as much depth to cameron and watching dylan kussmans performance is like. he Knew who his character was so fucking well and it shows!! like the deleted scene of them getting clubs assigned. like i could tell So Much about cameron from that scene

for how little she actually appeared, there is an emphasis put on the fact that neil's mom smokes pretty frequently. and i think that's interesting considering neil is one of two poets shown actively smoking. neil's mom doesn't appear for very long in the movie but during that time it definitely seems like the movie is intentionally making parallels between the two, particularly in the last argument with neil's father. neil and his mother are both sitting for almost the whole time, which contrasts with his father who is standing. they are both almost powerless in this scene. they stand up at almost the same time. anyways there's a couple different possibilities for what this could mean? that i've though of? 1. to show that neil's mother is in a similar situation to the one neil is in in regards to neil's father and 2. maybe a stretch here but the theory that neil inherited his mental illness at least partially from his mother. i'm pretty sure 1 was fully intentional on the directors part, not entirely sure about 2 though

unmanned flying desket scene: it's probably cause he and ethan wrote the scene themselves but the way rsl talks in this scene feels more like the way he talks in general than the rest of the script. like briefly neil perry is talking in rsl's voice. one of my absolute favorite scenes though the sarcastic dialogue is so good.

the light of knowledge at the first shot of the film vs. todd standing on his desk at the last shot of the film paralel

the main post was getting long but i wanted to highlight a couple of cool responses on my taz balance game posts pointing out stuff i forgot or didn't realize:

@widzi:

op forgot the new davenport glitch where if you manage to clip him into the voidfish tank he gets innoculated earlier and skips #right to the story and song cutscene

@scarlett-green-rose:

Wait, I haven't played (or really thought of) TAZ: Balance in years, and I never really got into the speedrunning scene. But do all the speedruns run in the optional chronological timeline order? I get that starting with hundred year journey lets you play around with the early faerun stats that Barry, Lucretia and Lup (or really the Umbrastaff) get, but considering the long gameplay loop I'd have thought that runners would just settle for the basic stats for those three and exploit the hell out of the tres horny boi's immunity to corruption buff to free lup and then speedrun the rest of the relics, at least for any%. Is running hyj first actually worth it despite the fact that the planar order is randomised? Or do runners use a specific seed when running that category? Also, shame to see that Merle and John's Parleys isn't as present in the current meta. That cutscene where John monologues about his doctrine and Merle rejects him is just *mwah* incredible. Although I guess it's understandable considering how long those dialogues are.

@somelittleplacebetweenthestars:

lol speaking of the spa scene i found a pretty funny glitch there the other day #i was messing around with menu storage clipping the other day and found out if you clip merle out of bounds during the first song#his properties get all weird #so although he loses his arm to the crystal cosmetically #it just. doesn’t register? so when it comes time for him to get the soul wood arm he just straight up cannot get it #idk it’s mostly a visual glitch#doesn’t really effect game play that much it just means he’s got half an arm for the rest of your run #but rlly why are you in the crystal kingdom if you’re running another other than 100% #where was i going w this #OH YEAH #but this weird not!arm gets SUPER FUCKED UP in cutscenes #like the spa scene!#basically#like once every two seconds it’ll spawn the soul wood arm in its pot plant#without despawning the previous iteration? #and bc the cutscene’s in-engine you basically soft-lock yourself bc you can’t start the scene without overloading the game #just kind of a stupid fun thing tho #mb it can become a category #arm% or whatever#(this is all in crystal kingdom btw sorry forgot to mention)

@barry-j-blupjeans:

oh shit really??? #listen. i love magnus but all his level 1 shit is so sloooowww #i wanna rush in!! how can i rush in if i cant land a hit half the time!! #(<- i say as if mangus still isn't the most overpowered character in the game anyway) #(esp in a lotta the alpha releases. i get why they had to nerf him down but it's really funny to see a very low level magnus #fucking up absolutely Everyone he comes across) #u used to be able to do the raven roost's arc in like. 3 months max #just bc of how overpowered they originally had him sldkfsdf

Ok, sorry if this feels a bit unprompted negativity but given our previous convo about how they write Alcryst (or rather, how they write about him), this short convo feels like everything wrong with it. Which is a shame because I still really like him but this stuff drags him down so much for me :(

Man is displaying deeply concerning behavior and eageress to get himself killed for no reason other than despising himself and yet everyone around him is like "Ah, Classic Alcryst, always so humble and modest." and like- I think Hortensia is the only one to use the correct term: self-loathing.

And while I admit it is kinda funny during battles where he's one of your best units and he's like "sorry i am so worthless...", in the Somniel and during support it feels EXTREMELY concerning and yet no one is treating it seriously and even worse the game plays the funny music because man, self-loathing is peak comedy. DUDE WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING DRAG HIM TO A THERAPIST ASAP HE COULDN'T MAKE IT ANY MORE CLEAR HE'S GOING TO GET HIMSELF HURT

OH MY GOSH WAIT. I THINK. You made something click for me actually I figured out Why his treatment by the writing feels So Bad

Like. This exchange didn't sit right with me either, but I kind of just shrugged it off like, eh, what can you do. Dumb writing will happen. But. Here's what I'm thinking.

I THINK. IF THIS DIALOGUE WAS ABOUT LAPIS. IT WOULD WORK SO MUCH BETTER. Because the thing about Lapis, is she IS very modest and humble, and if that's your first impression of her, it doesn't feel too bad. Because, that's exactly how she carries herself. And as you get to know her, it's very clear she does have self-esteem issues that directly ties into her being "humble" and "modest" -- she has low confidence. And, if you dig deeper, you find the route cause -- she's deeply self-conscious about how she was poor growing up, and I'd even go as far as to say the experience of growing up like that was traumatic for her. It still has lingering effects, where she's constantly scavenging and squirreling things away. (ESP significant when you consider her position is vastly different now -- she's working for royalty. She HAS to have security in a way she didn't have before. And yet, she's still acting as if she doesn't, still operating as if she's in survival mode.)

I think, Lapis' self image issues are handled so much better than Alcryst's. Like, it actually feels like I'm not explaining or expressing it well, but... the way Lapis is, how she carries herself and how her past is such a painful ever-present part of her, it's handled with nuance and care. You can See just how much it still hurts her, you can actually see that she has a Lot of unresolved issues about it, in the way she tries to hide her background and the way she snaps and breaks down if pushed too far about it. And even the way she talks down about herself, it's sad for sure, but it feels grounded. Also, there Are instances where she wishes for more for herself -- wishes, didn't feel this way about herself (esp thinking about her supports w Rosado). It's handled very well.

MEANWHILE, the way Alcryst's issues are handled.... in-universe and by the writing in general. There's. Actually so much to unpack here. But what you made click for me, WAS pointing out how he's clearly engaging in dangerous behavior. Which made me think, OH, he has. Another issue altogether actually. Like... with this level of self-loathing, and this level of Eagerness to put himself in danger. It does read like he could have suicidal ideation. Which. I mean, I know Engage is largely lighthearted, but if they took that angle more in his character, like... I think it would make a lot of sense. He has some prominent warning signs.

Like, I like that you said "eagerness", because it really IS the difference between him and Lapis (and Citrinne as well!). Lapis and Citrinne have resolve, a willingness and deep devotion to Alcryst. They're Willing to endanger themselves for his sake, because they fully understand it's part of their duty as retainers, it's something they wholeheartedly believe in and Want to dedicate themselves to. Meanwhile, Alcryst... he's just not well. Like. It's abundantly clear he's not well.

AND. Finally sort of getting to unpacking like. How this is treated in-universe. I think all these things considered, THAT'S why it feels so bad. Alcryst is showing clear signs of being extremely mentally unwell, maybe even cries for help, and over and over it's dismissed by the writing as comedic AND dismissed by the characters around him as Alcryst being kind, in his own "funny" way. Classic Alcryst! So humble. So modest.

Now, here's something I've been thinking about in all of this... I think, for some characters, it would actually make a lot of sense for them to regard him this way. I'm ESPECIALLY thinking of Lapis. It would make complete sense for her to idealize him, misconstruing these things about him in the process. It's clear she has feelings for him, for one, but also, I think she sees a lot of herself in him -- which may cause her to project onto him, too. Which blinds her, in a few different ways -- the main one being, I think, is how each is handling their issues. Yes, Lapis very much carries her past and the unresolved issues that came with it wherever she goes, seeping into every interaction she has. It consumes her. But, from like. An, "Is She In Any Danger Because of It" standpoint, she seems to be in the clear. I think, maybe, it would make sense, if in all of her romanticization of him and projection onto him, but not quite being in that dark place herself -- it may be very easy for her to look over it or call it something else (his Kindness, Humility, Modesty, ect -- maybe even bravery too, when it's actually just recklessness and little to no regard for what happens to himself).

But for other characters. My god, I wish they could just See it and call it what it is, exactly like Hortensia does. I wish the game ITSELF did that, actually. Because, I think THAT was the thing about Alcryst that I just couldn't place or put words to, how, I do love him, I do think he's funny, and I do like the parallels between him and Takumi -- how, each struggle interpersonally and from various Horrors, but. They're perceptive. And they're kind. But, there was just something I couldn't place, that felt Bad. And I think it is, the writing itself being dismissive and cavalier about the very heavy issues Alcryst is portraying. AND, almost trying to portray the issues as something else? As if it isn't That Bad. It's funny!! Or misguided bravery!! Heroic, even!! Like.... oof. That. Does not sit well.

And like. That's not even to say you Can't make his traits and tendencies funny. Cause exactly what you said, it IS SO FUNNY when Alcryst is one of your MVPs and you talk to him and he's just the saddest wettest poor little guy in the whole wide world like "I'm sorry :( I know I'm a burden :(" like BUDDY..... you are a crit and dodging machine of death and murder and you single handedly carried us to victory LMFAOOO -- ALSO. One of my FAVE moments in my playthrough was when he made like, a PERFECT meal, and he was like. "Oh.... I'm so sorry....... if it's not very good ..........." LIKE BUDDY!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S OKAY YOU'RE DOING GREAT I PROMISE!!!!! Little moments like that, and I think in some supports as well if the context feels right for it, I think he can def have funny moments!!!

I'm SO sorry LMFAOOO I FEEL LIKE. I'VE BEEN TALKING IN CIRCLES AND GOING ON SO MANY TANGENTS. BUT. MAYBE. WHAT I WAS TRYING TO ILLUSTRATE HERE. Is it's extremely fucked up actually, for them to write a character who's showing some scary warning signs, only to dismiss those warning signs and say they're something else, even down to silly goofy music like. Espppp in how I just, largely ignored it, dismissing myself as "bad writing lmfao" or "a bit much" but like. While those things could be true, it's so fucked up that like.... the game itself makes you inclined to dismiss it. Maybe only leaving you with a few qualms and a nagging feeling, that something. Isn't quite right here.

I'm gonna send your boy Silver for the bingo c:

THANK YOU FOR SENDING AN ASK ive been waiting here like a rabid dog waiting for people to send asks about like any pkmn characters i REALLY wanna talk im. im so normal

SILVER MY BOY SILVER i see him as an annoying little brother. i love him but i love annoying him. with silly things like friendship and love ^_^

its so difficult and annoying to try and look for content of him cus i keep running into art of him like a prettied up intimidating teenage twig but really hes just an angry cat like cmon bro i could pick this kid up by the scruff. also hes 11. but people who draw the johto quartet as teenagers doing funny stupid teenager things together and just being stupid teens (with problems) including silver? You understand.... you have my sword. i will go to battle for you and die also....

also i think hes got a little bit of the tisms. cus literally bro everysingle time he runs into you he does like SO MANY "..."s before he actually starts talking. so true bro i hate making eye contact and also talking to people suddenly. we got another one lads

people who write or draw out him and lance having a father/son dynamic are owed my firstborn. yes yes yes yes YES give that boy a father figure NOW

so angry that theres not much info on him other than whats given in the games. like i LOVE pokespe but as a gameverse fan i really really want to see a manga or short anime series that dives into things we wouldnt SEE in the games or hear about in games. ik generations kiiiiinda did that? (Havent watched all of it) but like. i wanna see stuff for the characters. please i just wanna see my blorbos for example i wanna see reds time on mt silver or blue when red was away OR more of blues time in kalos and Becoming French!

Id like to see what silvers past was like, esp since during the start of the games hes in he typically talks alot like rocket grunts (his first ever dialogue and the rocket grunt watching the goldenrod radio tower.... hmm) or even like giovanni (in pokemas at least, theres a few instances of this)

ANYWAYS thats all i gotta say. read my paragraphs boy

i think its rly funny how during saes palace akechi starts calling all the thieves by their first names. an d the thieves call him akechi forever. esp for like. i dont know if there’s a Canon Answer bc names in dialogue options r pretty rare but like. theres no reason not to think that applies to akira as well. Theyve known each other for months for real and akechi starts going hello akira :) and akirajust. hi akechi

it's my birthday!

I'm 21 now!! i'm doing another Writing Summary for the year! Lew Writes Wrapped, if you will. so, if you'd like to get me a gift, consider reading and reviewing one of these, or reblogging this post!

and if it rhymes, it's true, but i hate poetry (Jan, 3k, TMA, oneshot)

The obligatory sex-repulsed ace Jon fic that every asexual TMA writer tries their hand at eventually.

This is without a doubt the most popular thing I wrote this year, which makes me laugh considering I remember disliking the way I ended it. Still, I appreciate the support a ton, esp bc I'd been sitting on the concept of this fic for months prior. TMA fandom rlly will see an ace Jon oneshot and go is anyone gonna shower that in kudos and not wait for an answer. Love that for you guys.

as long as you can remember (Mar, 3k, TMA, oneshot)

A short horror piece focusing on combining Annabelle's original plan to fill Martin with spiders and the amnesia-inducing effects of Salesa's camera, tied together with narration from MAG 195 in one awful time loop.

I had so much fun with this one!! I loved balancing the spider pinata, amnesiac camera, and typing the start to the ending through use of the statement and repeating the opening of the fic at the end. I also made a lot of ""Martin's"" dialogue mirror lines of his from important JM conversations in canon, and went so far as to research the body temperature of spiders for a line of prose about holding Martin's hand. I'm honestly super fond of this piece because of how much fun I had putting it together.

to be shaped by such strange things (May, 3k, TMA, oneshot)

A piece about how s1 Jon and Sasha are often depicted with glasses, yet NotSasha and late-series Jon are often not, and how losing the lenses through which you see the world really does mean losing a piece of yourself, even if it doesn't seem like it. Or, The Beholding fixes Jon's eyesight is a terrifying and devastating headcanon and I'm going to make that everyone else's problem.

I've needed glasses my entire life and I feel most of the plot points or acknowledgment I've seen about characters' glasses has involved making them not need or not wear them anymore. I'm rather fond of mine, though, and I wanted to write something that reflected that (n pun intended.) That piece is strange things, which I couldn't be happier with, honestly.

Lucid (adj.) (May, 3k, original, complete)

A journal-entry style horror piece about lucid dreaming, trouble sleeping, and the horror that is straddling a nightmare between them. A 'love' letter to the power of an over-active imagination.

I lucid dream IRL, so Lucid (adj.) was so interesting and entertaining to write. I barely ever write original, but I'm so glad I did--this wouldn't have worked any other way. I got to tear into and pick apart a very specific but real fear of mine, based on an actual nightmare I'd had about a month before writing this piece. I'm super fond of this one, so if you like slow-build psychological horror, I cannot recommend it enough!

on a cliche (July, 833, original, complete)

Two strangers meet in a cafe and discuss an age-old question. A piece about whether one would rather to have love and lost.

This might be my favorite thing that I wrote this year? Which is very funny considering that when I wrote it for class, I was sure it was going to be torn apart in critique. Making the setting appear dreamlike without completely tipping my hand was probably my favorite part of the piece. Out of everything on here, this is probably the most sweet/lighthearted thing I wrote/posted this year, so if my writing is normally too depressing for you, I recommend this piece.

my witness brings me into existence (Aug, 4k, TMA, oneshot)

A transcript-style fic about NotJon, and what happens when one lives in the world where they have been forgotten. Archivist Sasha and NotJon returned from the dead, taking place during MAG121. I've read every piece in the NotJon tag on AO3 that I could find and it shows, I think.

God I fucking love this piece. I wrote the first draft of it over discord entirely spur-of-the-moment to my friend @/daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavid, believe it or not, sitting outside and being bitten my mosquitoes literally the whole time. I actually have most of the next parts of this fic sitting in my drafts, but I've been far too busy to finish them. It also has lovely art from @/macmonky, which I'm still enamored with. I really don't have a bad word to say about my witness, go check it out!

dead and undying (Sept, 7k, DSMP RP, complete multichap)

I spend far too much time thinking about Technoblade's execution and it shows. A fic about Techno not finding Tommy has hidden in his basement to escape exile and speedrunning Doomsday about it. If you like reading stories about stories or think the wither is a terrifying mob you should read this fic.

its my birthday which means i get to be cringe on main and you all have to let me. i really enjoyed writing this one! The execution and revival with the totem is some of the most fun body horror I've ever written, and this fic has very lovely art!

To finish out,

this year I didn't write quite as much as last year, but I also wasn't home all day in quarantine, so I'm alright with that! What I did write (and post--I have a lot of unfinished/unposted writing this year), I'm overwhelmingly happy with, after all! All in all, my posted writing for this year totaled up to 25,000 words!

Thank you, as always, to everyone for your continued support of my writing! Happy birthday to me, and thank you for reading!

(reblogs and/or birthday wishes much appreciated!)

'a sohma man'.... kyokeru???? kyokeru????? is this a thing wait they wld be SO funny please elaborate

kyokeru absolutely has a handful of diehards out there (i’ve only seen them on twitter but i’m sure they’re lurking somewhere here too) but i would be lying if i said that i haven’t thought about them LMAO.... okay first of all i think kyo would loathe kakeru on principle -- he’s loud, annoying, invasive, and yuki’s best friend. the only reason uo gets a pass at being loud, annoying, and invasive is that she’s tohru’s best friend. yes he thinks about the fact that he does consider uo a friend and that maybe maaaaybe it’s shitty of him to completely disregard kakeru altogether just because he’s best friends with yuki but then kakeru says something like “wow, no wonder you and yun-yun are related, you’re both so serious and moody lol” that he’s officially like, fuck this dude. 

kakeru on the other hand is super fascinated by kyo just on the basis that he’s another sohma enigma™ and that he finds him hot, and is not put off by kyo not wanting to have anything to do with him like, whatsoever. he kind of sort of knows he and yuki have beef with each other, but he’s not exactly sensitive to that -- yuki isn’t thrilled or anything talking about kyo, but he’s very much like “if you want to be friends with him, fine” (it’s the principle of autonomy, but also. he doesn’t exactly say this kindly. kakeru knows this but runs with it). kakeru tries again to talk to kyo but kyo has more or less put him on the dni list and is pretty aggressive about not wanting anything to do with him. cold, brushes him off, tries (and fails lmao) to ignore him, etc. finally he just has to snap and tell kakeru straight up that he doesn’t want anything to do with him, and kakeru’s just “?? why? because of yuki?” not rlly understanding at all the depths of their baggage, and kyo -- at this point being more mindful abt his anger but still so fuckin sensitive -- more or less snaps like “don’t fuckin talk to me about him.” meanwhile i just imagine uo hana and tohru chilling in the bg watching all of this unfold, hana and uo being like “oh tasty drama” and tohru being like “um!!! 🙃” 

oh my god anyways so kyo and kakeru do not start out on the right foot whatsoever BUT kakeru is nothing if persistent and even though he’s a little mad at kyo for shutting him out completely just on the basis that he’s friends with yuki, he is still really intrigued by him and has seen with his own two eyeballs that kyo isn’t always so prickly and standoffish -- he’s seen from the sidelines that he acts esp different with tohru (which by the way, i’m ignoring the whole kakeru and tohru knowing each other thing, i do not care for it so away it goes) and honestly seeing just how gentle and different kyo’s whole aura becomes maybe makes kakeru a little.... piney.... he tries not to question himself too much but he does question for just a moment WHY exactly he’s trying so hard to get to know this guy only to fall on his face over and over, and while he can chalk it up to stubbornness he does also chalk it up to finding him attractive. he tries to leave the thought cut and dry there and tbh. succeeds lmfao. 

sooooo how does kakeru make things right and can he...... okay so in this universe i think it would make absolute sense that he has a rapport with uo and i think they would be really fucking funny together as friends, so he ends up getting a moment with her to just be like “what the hell is up with kyo and why does he hate me” and she tells him straight up that he’s just Like That but he’s especially like that because kakeru’s so close with yuki. kakeru brings up that tohru’s also really close with yuki, and tbh uo straight up laughs in his face like “okay but tohru’s a tranq and you’re like a bomb in the middle of the room” and she more or less tells him that kyo will come around if he wants to comes around. but for kakeru, that’s a hard “if.” 

kyo meanwhile has been extremely broody about kakeru if only because he’s aggravating the part of his internal dialogue that is soooo so sensitive to the fact that he can’t justifiably blame yuki for all of the things he blames him for and that it’s something he’s been aggressively avoiding thinking about because i mean. it’s his lifeline basically. like he knows he doesn’t want to allow kakeru into his circle for the sole reason that he doesn’t trust the fact that he’s so close with yuki, and he knows that this is directly combatting the fact that tohru’s also close with yuki (+ was arguably friends with yuki first), and that who yuki chooses as friends cannot by that logic be terrible people. he also can’t reject him on the basis of being an annoying asshole because over half of his friend group is made up of annoying assholes. so he spends more energy thinking about kakeru than he wishes to admit to and this ofc only makes him crankier every time he sees him. 

all things considered kakeru is able to maintain a fair amount of distance from kyo being that they’re not in the same class and don’t usually bump into one another unless kakeru is specifically seeking him out, so kakeru does take some time to consider what he should do (he feels that maybe he should apologize but he’s also finally getting the gist that kyo’s on edge whenever he comes around, and he doesn’t want to just waste an apology yk). at most he tries to give kyo a “totally inconspicuous” stare across the room when he comes along to grab yuki from class for a meeting but kyo just pointedly stares out the window instead so it’s a no-go. during this time kyo has been battling between “am i being an asshole to this dude for no reason” and “who gives a shit if i ignore him he’s annoying” and this is made prominent by the fact that his friends chucklefucks #1 and #2 have decided, suddenly, to be annoying to him specifically about why the vice president keeps looking at him funny and uo stoking the flames by saying kyo keeps rejecting him. they then go on to say how cruel and mean kyo is and that he’s breaking their vp’s heart and he’s actually about to triple frontflip out the window again before tohru pipes up like “i think he’s probably really nice actually!! :)” because of course she does she has essentially entrusted kakeru to handling yuki’s heart and soul and. i think she wants kyo to have more friends. i mean i think we all want kyo to have more friends. kyo ofc only listens to tohru but man is he mad about it. he consoled only by the fact that if he gives kakeru a chance and he still doesn’t fuckin like him he can drop him for good.

i’m getting so fucking carried away with this anyway kyo actually kind of runs into kakeru after school and. there’s a funny thing abt kakeru where when he’s completely alone he’s actually just quiet and non-abrasive and normal, and this seems obvious but kyo just realizes he never considered kakeru has any semblance of an off button. it’s awkward on kyo’s part (as usual) and kakeru is both delighted and confused as kyo makes his way through a very gritted apology for being an ass, to which after waaaay too long a contemplative pause he just says sorry in return because he knows he pissed kyo off in one way or another and that he’s kind of an idiot sometimes. which i think is a level of straightforwardness and self-awareness that kyo doesn’t expect from him LMAO so he’s taken slightly off-guard, but still it’s just. awkward. for him anyway. kakeru though is feeling a little bit of a win for himself and just says he has to bail and that he’ll catch him tomorrow, which kyo just kind of absently agrees with...... by the time he considers taking it back and going “this doesn’t mean we’re friends” or smth the moment’s long passed and kakeru’s way down the street, walking off to the station alone........ pause for quiet scene.......

so i just realized i wrote like seven paragraphs about just the leadup of them becoming anything close to friends BUT i do wanna say that i think a big breakthrough moment for them actually becoming friends is really just about kakeru being very obviously his own entity who is actually not like yuki in the slightest (yk how friends take on each others mannerisms and mind-meld and shit like that........ yeah this is something way more apparent for yuki in their relationship LMAO yuki’s influences on kakeru are much much quieter). which is another thing that should be obvious, but considering kakeru is someone who willingly and overtly befriends yuki (vs other people like haru, who has a long family history w him, and tohru, who literally lives with him and is. well, tohru.), and considering kyo never gets to know him prior to this, i want to imagine that he’s just plainly biased and had more or less disliked him by association more than anything. so getting to know him as an individual and carving out a space for just him in his brain.... yeah. 

i’m a big sap for friends-to-lovers so ofc the real pining doesn’t start until they’ve actually started to become better friends, which i think is very much full of stupid bullshit instigated by kakeru begging kyo to teach him how to fight (after asking yuki a quarter million times and getting rejected every time. kyo does not know that this is because kakeru is a power rangers fanboy but absolutely wants to use this as a moment of “fuck that guy i’ll show it to you better than he could anyway” which has this unaware flirty tone to it that kakeru wants so badly to comment on but doesn’t want to lose his chance to learn how to defeat evil with his own two fists so he just. stores that away for himself 2 think about later). kyo trying to teach him would be intimate if kakeru had an ounce more talent and concentration and kyo had an ounce more patience. anyways they play wrestle instead bc kakeru is bored of the basics and it’s actually fun for the both of them until kyo pins kakeru and they have this mutual moment of. uhhhhh. bro? haha. bro?? at which point kakeru finally has to admit to himself “oh this isn’t just normal attraction this is some real shit” and kyo is in full “what the fuck was that” mode. 

i have no resolution for this post i’ve decided i’m just going to leave it at that because as u can see it’s mad easy to run in circles with these two. they’ve got a good hypothetical chemistry going on and have the nice lil kick of drama a la “this is my rival’s best friend/my best friend is friends with my rival” and a good ol sexuality crisis. and what more could u ask for really

What's your opinion on different interpretations of Light and L's characters? By saying that i mean how they were portrayed in DN Drama, Musical (let's take Japanese version) and Movies.

Personally I find the most interesting interpretation of Light in the Drama, bc he's more soft and sympathetic. I'm not saying that I would prefer him to animanga!Light (animanga!Light is still the best), but at least it's something new and fresh (also, i absolutely LOVE the scene where Souichiro learns that his son was Kira all along and Light is just split bc he can't decide whether he wants to be Kira or wants his father alive and the scene is absolutely gut-wrenching I would sell my soul for it). If we speak about Japanese musical, I don't get Light's character here? In his first song ("Where's the justice?") he sings about unjust world and how everything is "just law, not law and order, but in the next song ("Hurricane") he already sings that he's the god of brend new world? I mean, his motivation moves from "wants to help innocents" to "wants to be god bc of boredom" kinda quickly? And DN Movies, well.... They certainly made Light darker and i don't like the fact bc it feels they made him darker so he could contrast with softer L.

Speaking of L, again, the best version is animanga version and we all know it 🛐. But I think I love his interpretation in Musical too? I love these songs that show us his thinking process and I love the fact that in Musical L and Light seem to obsess over each other like in canon (yk, bc they always sing about how it would be like to see the world through other's eyes etc.). I find Drama!L to be veeeeeeeery fan-servicy, but he's still entertaining, especially when the show allows him slow scenes where he doesn't have to take his shirt off 50 times during the dialogue, but instead speaks about his ideology or relationships with other people (scenes with Near, Yagami Souichiro, Light (esp the one where he tries to make him confess). As for Movies!L, well... I just don't like him. Neither L nor Light are the embodiment of good or justice but the creators made it seem like Light is absolutely evil and L is absolutely good and this pisses me off. L lets Misa Amane go free after Rem's death even though Misa killed tons of people and he tells Souichiro that he was sorry that he couldn't save Light so I presume that he would have let him go too (even if he wouldn't, it's still dumb, bc he let Misa go). Also fans are like "awww look at him giving a candy to a crying child he would've been such a great father". I mean, I'm not against making characters softer or kinder, but even in the animanga, where L tortured people and sacrificed criminals, there's still a huge L fanbase that sees him as a completely good guy. And by making Light darker and L kinder they as well could have said "yep, we have a villain and a hero, they are complete oopposites". Idk I just don't get it.

Your thoughts?

Hi hello! I have only seen half of the j-drama, watched the anime twice, watched the musical once, and saw the Netflix movie when it first came out. And I never really liked any of them nearly as much as the manga, so that's why I always sound like a broken record about it on this blog 😆 I just think the manga is by far the best-written, funniest, saddest, and prettiest-looking version all at once.

The drama might actually be my favourite alternate version Light as well out of all the things I've seen too, because that adaptation was also funny/entertaining and sometimes sad, and it often surprised me in a good way. And yeah, drama!Light was like an entirely different character, and maybe that's why he was more interesting and sympathetic to me than just a more watered-down/cardboard version of the original complicated manga guy. I find Light often gets turned into a privileged Mikami sort of character in adaptations, rather than the oddly-chill-at-times one with the weird sense of humour he was in the manga to me. And L is just almost always made more cartoony and goofy and/or emo and somehow cast in a heroic light while simultaneously still being a shady dude in everything he does, so I haven't ever really liked L in anything else very much. I do often hear people like musical!L a lot. And I feel like a wet blanket especially when talking about the musical in the fandom, because I just didn't really like it or feel particularly moved by it most of the time. Especially when it came to L and Light and the Lawlight aspect of stuff, which was boring and lacking in chemistry to me. I found most of it too sincere and serious and somber to be entertaining, as DN easily becomes extremely tedious to me when most of the dark/goofy humour and ironic slyness is sucked out of it like that. I feel a lot of adaptations focus so heavily on Lawlight that it actually gets boring to me too, even though it's also my favourite ship. It's a bit hard to explain, but I prefer Lawlight to almost be left as this curious little unspoken background thing going on in addition to all the other interesting stuff, rather than featured as this big, obvious central element of the plot. At least outside of fanmade stuff.

My next favourite version of DN overall after the manga is definitely the anime, simply because the voice acting and soundtrack is so good. But even that is still like "why the heck would you watch the anime when the manga is right there??" to me most of the time... 😆

I would love to hear about the fic concepts if you’re ok with sharing them!

ok!!!!

one is just silly harmless road trip fanfic. no exact story, just the gang in an RV going from point A to point B (hehe that rhymed). dialogue heavy and focusing primarily on charactr interaction. just lots of fun moments w everyone getting into a heated debate about how small m&ms are better than normal sized m&ms (gordon admits he doesnt rlly get the difference between them and everyone just starts ragging on him for it). tire ends up popping and theyre stuck at the side of the road and whoops, benrey fucking ate a chunk of the spare tire so now theyre STUCK. late night conversations between charactrs tht r just sweet n nice n vaguely profound, to contrast with the chaotic shenanigans that take place during the day. YEAH.. idk shenanigans moments whatwver

uhhhh bottle episode trope! science team ends up stuck in a room for a couple hours (maybe anothr fuck up at black mesa or smthn happend) and the whole fic is just. again dialogue heavy charactr interaction. mostly comedy with a little bit of feeling. coomer suggesting using benrey as a battering ram to Make An Exit bc the rescue team is taking their sweet time, bubby is panicking bc he Hates being Trapped, tommy is Trying to calm everyone down but is freaking out himself, benrey is Revelling in the chaos hes loving it, and gordon is eventually the voice of reason. basically episode where things end up getting rlly chaotic when they rlly dont need to be, and friendships r Put To The Test, n then they end up eventually getting rescued n their evn closer friemds than they were b4 even tho they were like never in like. danger. u know, typical bottle episode trope!

science team game night. typical friendship destroying game like monopoly or something. ends with the table being flipped & ppl r arguing. tommy is (again) the one 2 try to calm everyone down, gordon is too but he ends up joining the argument. coomer suggests that they should all Engage In Fisticuffs and the one left standing is the Real Winner Of Monopoly. benrey says something mean (like a rly juvenile insult) to bubby and bubby just storms out of the room childishly, definitely NOT bc hes gonna cry. gordon isnt the voice of reason in this one bc hes too petty, but tommy eventually just like. Has Enough. and just tells everyone to Shut The Hell Up!!! right as coomer is abt to throw hands w gordon. tommy apologizes right aftr fr being rude but also ths is Game Night everyone's supposed to b Friends and Lov Eachothr;_; typical end of episode friendship speech complete w anaologies 2 video games & lots of stuttering bc tommy brand..... his brand...... HDJDHDD n yeah ths one probs has a sitcom-esc happy ending 2 it bc i love me some sitcom tropez.

we need more funny n cute domestic hlvrai content... ESP when it leans into silly moments:')

Castlevania S4 Thoughts (BIG FUCKING SPOILERS)

(pls no discourse - I'm just full of thoughts and writing knowledge and need 2 write an article for the first damn time in my life) UNDER THE CUT IS MASSIVE SPOILERS - WILL BE TAGGED ACCORDINGLY!!!!!!! DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT CAUGHT UP

Season 4 - good lord it was fast (but not entirely erratically so), and it managed to really tie up every loose end the audience could think of, save for like, maybe a handful of things? For example, I’m not exactly sure if Saint Germain lived and managed to go somewhere in the Infinite Corridor, or if he was just blown to absolute smithereens. BUT, the writers of the show did tie up references to super small things - the tree of Trevor’s ‘grave’ is referenced in Season 1/2, where he’s like “hey that’s my fucking tree”. I thought that detail was really nice, and intimate. It’s something Sypha and Alucard would remember about him, even if they didn’t even like him back then. 

I’m happy the trio got back together - overjoyed, in fact. I spent all of S3 praying that Sypha and Trevor would stop being fools and realize that ‘oh shit, we shouldn’t have left Sad Ass Alucard ALONE’. I’m happy the village of Belmont/Treffy is forming around the once-lonely castle, because it’s an extra touch of humanity to a life Alucard spent in the castle alone. It juxtaposes everything Dracula wanted, in fact - which is a fantastic way to show that Alucard is not his father.

BUT. I’m not happy that it took until nearly the last episode for them to reunite, and while I know that realistically, they didn’t have time to talk during fights, I wish that there had been more dialogue. I wish Alucard had more time to say what he wanted to say to them, as opposed to the longing glances and immediate fighting chemistry (that I still appreciated). 

I’m not happy that Alucard was shown to be (at least) bisexual, and yet he still ended up romantically alone. Would it not have been an incredible forethought for him, who is so used to being alone and rejected (and betrayed), to end up in love with a Belmont and a Magician - who people who could very easily hurt him, and yet choose not to? I think of Taka and Suki who came into his life defenseless, learned to fight, only to hurt him. Would it not have been such a powerful parallelism to show Trevor and Sypha - whom have always been strong - having gentleness for him? While platonic relationships are crucial and utterly important (I speak this from an aromatic perspective esp), I almost think it’s a little detrimental to show Alucard as someone who didn’t get the love he wanted and craved - and it’s very clear he did crave some sort of connection. Think of how easily he opened up to Taka and Suki, and how especially easily he opened up to Greta - a stranger. He’s so lonely that he still trusted a stranger with his traumas, and yet he doesn’t get his wish. 

This is coming from a perspective where Dracula, a man who went utterly mad over the death of his wife and killed countless numbers, still ended up with, in a way, a happier ending. He comes back, Lisa comes back, and they’re free. They did not get what they wanted - in fact, they got what they could not have imagined. And yet Alucard, who tried his damnedest to be good despite being hurt, didn’t get that. Certainly, he is happy and it’s a better alternative than a character death (that I feared), but I just don’t think it was enough.

My last thought is of Sypha, and how I wish she had gotten more. I started the series not really caring for her because she was a little overshadowed by Alucard and Trevor, and yet I found that she was, in fact, amazing. Powerful, funny, and just an incredible character with so much potential. And yet, I feel like it was used just for her to bring a Belmont baby into the world. Why does there have to be a baby for someone to be complete? I know that really, it’s because Trevor was the last Belmont, and that his wishes were to rebuild the Belmonts (or to return to the past when the Belmonts were large), but is that her wishes? She has a ton of chemistry and friendship with Alucard just as she does Trevor, and I'm glad they’re together, but I wish she had gotten to see her people and gotten to have her own happiness, too.

you know I’ve been like “man I love xbc2″ lately but then I think about me playing through the game and laughing not because the jokes were good but because the game is genuinely fucking stupid

rant below I couldn’t fit it all in the tags LMAO

this is gonna be messy sorry

I’m gonna be honest I could not take this game seriously until like.... the last quarter maybe... the sci-fi switch blew my mind but like this game is so shounen that it hurts

all its characters are so obnoxiously tropey and anime esp zeke and rex and to🤢tor🤢🤢toRA🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮

WHY THE PERV NOPON I HATE THESE CHARACTER TROPES SO MUCH..... I liked his “i don’t need aptitude to be a driver” thing but when it came to poppi. fucking *dies from cringe* frog FOR REAL... kill off these master roshi characters man it’s just bad taste

on the other hand i genuinely enjoyed zeke as a character and i appreciate that hes like not chuni 24/7 and is serious during story beats. but hes so obnoxiously loud during battle that I occasionally switched languages so I didn’t get a headache from his voice clips LMAO

AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON REX he was endearing sometimes but i only liked him during heart to hearts and story filler. he was so generic during the main story generic shounen

“NIA I LOVE YOU TOO I LOVE YOU AND ALL YOU GUYS””

WE’LL BEAT THEM. WIHT THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“JOIN!!! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

im laughing typing these out holy shit

I get why a lot of people dropped this game esp after xbc1. the story has such a slow start and the gameplay.... im gonna be honest the gameplay in the beginning is horrendous. you can’t get into the complexity of the battle system until like the end of chapter 2 which is ALMOST 10 hours into the game... tutorials are poorly explained and aren’t even reaccessible... its just so anti-user friendly it makes me really sad

Also this bothered me less as I went through the game but the character designs almost made me not pick up this game. actually

The only characters in the main cast that I liked design-wise were ***DRIVER*** nia, dromarch, morag, and mythra with the melee aux core. everyone else looks too cold the girls are all ass out they will catch a cold and get ass frost bite

like i will never not rip on pyra’s booty shorts. WHY?? I DONT WANT MY ASS TO BE PINCHED UP 24/7 THTA LOOKS LIKE IT HURTS. and the STRAPS. GIRL HAS GAMER HEADSET INDENTS BUT ON HER HIPS. put a sweater on her and some leggings idc fireblade or not girl looks cold but thats what u get when a hentai artist designs da game. man why couldnt nomura stay for the whole game WHY

like i really liked this game in some aspects.... the combat system is honesty one of my favorites of all time it is so much fun when you get into it. but when i need a 10 minute chuggaaconroy video guide to know how to build up combos, your game isn’t doing it’s job... I really don’t understand where monolith wet wrong because xbc1′s tutorials were perfectly comprehensible?? and they were reaccessible??? what went wrong

the story wasn’t bad or anything and it was a little refreshing for me because it was just a simple coming-of-age story... not a stand-out but enjoyable enough for me but then again im very easy to please lol. i adore the world building tho. I also think the game shines the most with character interactions BARRING TORA!!!!! I loved seeing the characters goofing off in heart-to-hearts, they felt really close and the relationships with the drivers and blades make me so warm. esp zeke and pandy they’re so soft in the ending cutscene in the world tree. man 🌊🐴

but at the same time theres so many things in this game that make me laugh in questionable ways... character designs, cringe dialogue, weird eng va (i fucking love it though its so funny it made me cry laughing like 5 times), etc.... I love this game man but I’m not sure if it’s in an ironic way or because of genuine enjoyment lol

Hey if you don’t mind I have some (read: so effing many lol) questions about the movie:

How does Julie meet Jim? Does Patrick introduce them or does Jim just come over to talk to her on set for no reason? Does he interact with Patrick at all? What exactly is Patrick’s movie abt and what is Jim’s character in it? Is it more like Jim is flirting with her and she just kinda goes along with it bc she’s lonely or does she actually like him? When he shows up at Julies apt– was he invited over or does he just randomly stop by like a stalker? 😂 Is there no actual dinner party, or is the graduation party what Charlie and Amber were talking abt? You said he has very minimal dialogue at Julie’s party- is he talking to Julie? If so, is it a little awkward given their past or is it too inconsequential to even notice? Is there any memorable dialogue of his you remember?

And of course, I have to ask about the sex scene lol. I have far too many questions about it, so I think it’d just be easier for me to ask you to go into as much detail abt it as you feel comfortable with. I’m just v curious abt how his first real sex scene went, and esp about the period part bc you never see that in movies. Thanks!

Hey anon, sure; I don’t mind! Let me try below the cut:

How does Julie meet Jim? Does Patrick introduce them or does Jim just come over to talk to her on set for no reason? They meet on Patrick’s set; and it’s implied they know each other sort of and he comes over to give his condolences on her loss and see how she’s doing

Does he interact with Patrick at all? Sadly no! Would have loved for a scene with Richard. And it really is a tiny part. We do see him in the film though but not Patrick directing it, but we get a musical scene of sorts with Charlie in it lol

What exactly is Patrick’s movie abt and what is Jim’s character in it? Great question that can only be truly answered by seeing how Patrick answers what his film is about (it’s one of richard’s funniest scenes—literally all of richard’s moments are amazing; you’ll see why everyone says he steals every scene). But he definitely and Jim says “it’s political” but it’s like a musical that covers class and also race in Britain it seems? Jim’s character is like this working class hero/ leader (he literally has coal or dirt on his face in one scene), he also seems maybe v in control. The charcter Jim plays, even tho you see it only for like one minute, has only further convinced me Charlie needs to be in some like British gang story, peaky blinders like story, or British class story. Put him in something gritty and british please! Let him have a character with confidence and even bravado it’s really interesting to see with him.

Is it more like Jim is flirting with her and she just kinda goes along with it bc she’s lonely or does she actually like him? The description that he’s like a vampire with her but like in a good way lol works—there’s a little bit of flirting but it’s more like he locks eyes with her and communicates physically that he wants her. I’m not explaining it well. She at this point is very raw from grief it’s very soon after and I think she just wants to feel something and he realizes she wants to feel something and he wants to make her feel something, but purely sexually

When he shows up at Julies apt– was he invited over or does he just randomly stop by like a stalker? 😂 he just shows up and has some line about being in the neighborhood that’s obviously totally fake lol (good line delivery) and he asks her how she is and if she wants this and is there to just go for it—like he wants this and thinks she needs this. What he does before the sex scene is straight up funny but Jim knows what he’s doing lol

Is there no actual dinner party, or is the graduation party what Charlie and Amber were talking abt? You said he has very minimal dialogue at Julie’s party- is he talking to Julie? If so, is it a little awkward given their past or is it too inconsequential to even notice? I meant to say it’s her birthday party ends I think in 1990 so I’ll edit that. It’s well after the graduation and after we see she becomes a music video director (as Joanna did). They don’t interact; it’s like a big friend group and he talks to some guy for a sec. amber really isn’t in it tho is tech there in that scene. That scene…not for Charlie but for the film, you just have to see the end of it 😍

Is there any memorable dialogue of his you remember? The way he delivers the lines when he comes over to her apt were memorable as was the description of Patrick’s film as political. He really doesn’t have a lot of dialogue like at all. Jim is like a force and energy and then is gone

As for the sex scene it went really well lol and Charlie looks 🔥 etc. it’s a good, healthy sex scene (one night stand); julie def likes it in the moment but still feels all the rawness of her grief after (that can only be worked out thru her film). With what actually happens: She tells him before she has her period and he says he’s doesn’t care. Jim is very determined/intense throughout lol. the moment that shocks people (altho imo isn’t that shocking tho the audience reacts) is at a certain point he kisses her and and when he moves you see she has blood on her mouth. and I think you see it on his mouth too in a mirror? There are lots of shots of him in a mirror during it lol.

Does that sorta answer your questions or lmk if you have more. And you’ll have to let me know what you think of the film when you see it!

SAW ASK!!!!!! 💞 n ee wayz as far as Eric/Adam goes i wld love to hear yr thoughts on how their relationship looks @ th very beginning when Eric still v v fresh in his recovery (obvs we’ve talked a lil abt this both but expandin on stuff), n also u mentioned Eric knowing how to bake (at least some things) n id LOVE to hear more abt that!! also for a general SAW polycule question, just bc it’s a dynamic i don’t think either of us have rlly touched on, thoughts on William + Mallick?

SAW ASK!!! (tysm!! <3)

okay so Eric/Adam:

I rly like th idea u had where they meet at one of Bobby’s groups (also throwing in tht I think abt Group Therapy All The Time) bc like. neither of them want to be there, neither of them rly have much in common w any other survivors, n neither of them can stand Bobby Dagen. so tht’s still like, th foundation fr how these 2 meet to me lol. the idea of them listening 2 him talk while rolling their eyes at each other n fake gagging is So Good.

I feel like Adam is just... rly open? w Eric? bc god does he understand how fucking hard it is 2 be around ppl after smth like that - maybe not to the same extent (though they DO have tht solidarity), but like. there’s only so many times u can hear “I’m so sorry tht happened/I can only imagine what u went thru” b4 yr ready 2 just tell ppl to shut the fuck up. so like, on Eric’s side of things, not getting tht frm Adam? not hearing the whole “I’m rly sorry u almost lost yr son and were locked up fr six months”? tht’s foreign territory ENTIRELY 2 him. sorry is all anyone has to say, even other survivors. Adam not saying sorry n instead being like “well I’m glad yr still around” is kind of what makes tht decision in Eric’s head like, yes, I think I want 2 get to know this dude. He Gets It.

n Adam is just patient too. letting Eric come 2 him, making sure he knows he’s there, tht sorta thing, bc regardless of how much he likes Adam, being around ppl again is not smth he can just jump into. it’s a wound tht is still raw n open n aching n he needs to treat it w care instead of rubbing salt in. n Eric half expects tht to turn Adam away, esp when he sometimes goes a day w no communication, but it doesn’t n he’s just sorta like ??? bc Eric never rly... saw some1 making tht kind of accommodation fr him, never expected some1 to understand it. tht’s another region I feel they’re very similar in - contact, sometimes, can b very very hard, even over text. if they don’t speak all day, tht’s okay - they send each other “i’m okay” texts n th other person responds w “good” n tht’s fine. Adam provides compromises when Eric never even knew tht was a possibility. it’s good.

things progress kinda slowly but not in a bad way. they’re just kind of getting used 2 each other - both of them have been alone fr so long, having some1 in their lives tht they give a shit abt n who gives a shit abt them is smth they’re both navigating. fr Eric, it’s being around some1 consistently after his trap. fr Adam, it’s actually having a friend who doesn’t make him feel like shit + having some1 he can definitively say is there. sometimes its easier 2 sit in comfortable silence than it is to force a convo neither of thm rly have the energy fr. sometimes just being in a room together is enough. tht’s smth they both notice - tht it’s like. they find it easy 2 be around each other. which is SO foreign to both of thm so they’re just kinda feelin it out?

n again like u’ve written b4, I also feel one of th turning points is when Eric calls Adam abt his hair + Adam shaves it fr him in his bathroom. tht’s th point where they’re both like “oh, I rly care abt this person.” bc it’s three in th fucking morning, Adam didn’t even have 2 pick up his phone or even answer when he saw it was Eric. but he did, bc he cares, bc he wants to help, n Adam’s just kinda freaking out internally too bc it’s been a looong time since he’s felt tht way abt some1 - he just wants Eric 2 be okay. n it’s then tht he’s kinda like, coming 2 terms w th fact that he truly cares abt someone who he can say without a doubt cares abt him too and it’s just like. oof. ESP when Eric sleeps over bc again, it’s early as fuck, and isn’t it so much easier 2 just have him stay? isn’t it easier fr Adam to make space fr Eric in his bed n home n heart? n Eric actually doesn’t tell Adam abt this later, but tht night he sleeps over after Adam shaves his hair? it’s th best he’s slept in fucking weeks.

I feel like after tht they’re a LOT more comfortable w each other - not tht they weren’t b4; I mean in th sense tht when they’re not doing too great, they’ll reach out 2 each other rather than bottling it up n dealing w it alone. Adam comes over w CDs he likes bc he can’t talk abt it but he doesn’t want 2 be by himself n they sit in Eric’s living room together in comfortable silence. sometimes Eric sings 2 him. they both find tht it helps. Eric becomes more accustomed 2 accepting help when he knows he needs it + Adam offers - dimming th lights n staying close by to keep him frm getting another migraine, having th TV on but w the sound down low enough tht it doesn’t feel like some1′s hitting him over th head w too-loud dialogue, getting things fr him on th days tht his nerve pain flares up n he’s mostly confined 2 his bed. they’re there fr each other. this is what friendship looks like fr them, two Jigsaw survivors who understand each other better than any1 else ever could.

another huge step fr them is like, th first time Adam offers 2 help w Eric’s rashes. I feel like, even as they grow closer, tht’s still not smth he’s vocal abt/comfortable showing often, something he’s ashamed of bc he feels like it’s gross n he doesn’t want 2 like. make Adam deal w that. but like during one of their sleepovers where Adam cuts his hair fr him n Eric’s got his shirt off he just. grabs the ointment he knows Eric keeps in th cabinet above the sink n while Eric’s still sitting w his back to him, he wordlessly begins tending 2 the rash spread along Eric’s shoulders n his neck n back, n Eric just. freezes. Adam doesn’t say anything, just does it fr him, n Eric kinda. Breaks Down a lil bit. like he just starts silently sobbing bc Adam doesn’t have 2 do this. he doesn’t have to help him w one of th things Eric hates most abt his own body. he could think it’s Gross. but he doesn’t think it’s gross n he doesn’t mind touching it and he’s so gentle when applying the ointment n then when he’s done he just kind of leans against Eric’s back bc He Knows. he reaches around front n grabs one of Eric’s hands n just sits there w him while he cries it out, holding his hand 2 say I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere, n that is MAJOR fr Eric. and honestly? tht’s kind of th first time he Rly becomes aware of “oh fuck I love him.” (Adam too, ngl)

basically, the way it starts is a shared experience, smth no one else can rly say they have, an understanding based on tht shared experience. giving each other space until they begin inviting each other in. care, patience, “I’m here.” re-learning th feeling of mutual concern. somewhere along th way, it turns into love, and somehow falling into tht is just as easy.

-

Eric + baking:

YES I love this hc!! this is smth he picked up during his time btwn jobs during th earlier stages of recovery (but After meeting Adam/connecting w Art) bc he needed smth to do n was just sorta like, “well I guess this works huh?” n like. it was def a learning curve bc Eric can cook, relatively well/at least okay, but baking is a entirely different matter. at frst he was kinda discouraged when things didn’t turn out th way he hoped they would, but w gentle guidance on Art’s side n enthusiastic encouragement frm Adam, he stuck w it n has gotten pretty good as a result!! his fave things 2 make r peanut butter cookies (he does a little design on th top w a fork n both Adam + Art r like Oh My God That’s Adorable) + th aforementioned carrot cake cupcakes!! frosting is usually homemade n it’s usually cream cheese! he makes his own frosting fr cakes n stuff too (Constantly has 2 tell Adam to “keep yr hands off of th frosting/batter/dough! we’re not gonna have any left!!!” even tho tht Doesn’t stop him).

he makes rly good banana bread too! tht one was a lil harder 2 learn but he’s honestly pretty proud of it now. it’s so funny bc Adam typically doesn’t like stuff like tht but if Eric made it? oh it’s Amazing. (he’s like tht w Art’s cooking too kjdfhjs partially bc he is a Disaster in th kitchen, but also bc That’s His BF/Best Friend!!!)

if some1 is feeling particularly shitty he takes requests (Adam usually wants brownies + Art is partial 2 peanut butter cookies but w chocolate chips too) n it’s just a nice lil thing he can do 2 help, which is smth he Always wants to do. he also stress bakes tho so sometimes his bfs have 2 just kinda like check in n make sure he’s doing okay. but! yeah baking is smth he enjoys + is relatively good at!!

-

William/Mallick dynamic:

yr right I haven’t thought abt this dynamic much but I Am Now!!!

I feel like at his core, William is def a caretaker. Mallick, 2 me, is someone who is just wholly unfamiliar w being cared for. so like, at the Very Least, they’re both dating Adam + Lawrence, right? they spend a lot of time around each other. plenty enough time fr William 2 pick up on this. it just kinda. makes his heart hurt, bc he sees the unease in Mallick’s eyes every time one of thm performs even th smallest acts of kindness fr him - not bc he doesn’t appreciate it/doesn’t want it, but because it’s more that he feels like he doesn’t deserve it. n William Sees That and is just like. I Need U To Know You’re Loved.

they’re comfortable w each other, of course they are! they’re friends, good friends, who happen 2 be dating th same people! who go to bed together at night n wake up w each other in th morning. it’s love, they know tht, but Mallick still always looks so surprised when William makes waffles fr him fr breakfast. William cares.

n Mallick can kinda feel it, and he’s not resistant 2 it, but he’s definitely on edge abt it a little. but William also just has this air abt him that Mallick finds it hard to stay keyed up in, so it doesn’t rly take long fr Mallick to at least be at peace w William’s attention. but the moment he starts to really fathom it is during one of those days he can’t get himself 2 relax n is just shaking out on the couch, knees drawn up to his chest n his arm wrapped around thm, just kinda staring down at th carpet n just Not having the energy to get himself out of his own head. Lawrence + Adam r at work n Eric is taking a quick nap so it’s just Mallick n William.

so Mallick is sitting there spiraling n his breaths r coming out a little fast n William just sits down beside him, a mug of warm tea tht he sets down on th coffee table fr a moment, n he just rests a hand on Mallick’s shoulder. doesn’t say anything, just sort of like. offers tht bridge, opens tht avenue. n Mallick is like This Close to just breaking entirely, but what rly does it is when William just swipes his thumb over his shoulder n squeezes. n Mallick rly DOES break down, almost ugly-sobbing and wheezing, n somehow he ends up w his face in William’s neck, pretty much curled into his side, n tht’s when it truly hits him how much William cares abt him too. tht there are Several People who hold tht kind of room fr him in their hearts n lives. William didn’t even have 2 say anything fr Mallick to understand that, to know it as truth. n tht’s like, one of th events tht actually leads Mallick to building up tht self-esteem, knowing that.

n after tht happens, Mallick is a little less reluctant abt accepting William’s (+ everyone else’s!) help, at least some of the time. like Mallick will catch himself digging his fingers a lil too harshly into th stump of his arm (I’m w u on 10 Pints resulting in at least a partial amputation - like what was tht little scar in 3D???) n then he’ll feel William’s hand cover his n gently curl around his palm 2 be like “I’m not gonna say anything, but I see you, it’s okay,” n his grip relaxes. Eric will notice he’s working himself up too much n he’ll reach out n take one of his hands while he’s pacing + laces their fingers together so tht Mallick has to pause a moment n then he’s able to breathe. Lawrence stumbles across him in th midst of a panic attack n Mallick finds himself breathing easier when Lawrence takes one of his hands, places it over his chest + his heart, n breathes w him. Adam holds him when he jolts awake frm a nightmare. lil things like tht.

one of their fave things to help them both de-stress is they’ll lay in bed n William will read out loud to Mallick, who has his head on his chest n is listening but doesn’t have to put too much energy into keeping up, bc it’s mostly abt being close + having smth to fill the silence tht neither of them feel particularly comfortable in anymore. sometimes Mallick falls asleep n it honestly makes William rly happy bc not only is Mallick relaxed enough to actually close his eyes, he also trusts William enough to fall asleep around him, trusts him during a time he’s at his most vulnerable. it’s not uncommon fr Lawrence to get home frm work to find th two of them curled up against th pillows, sometimes both asleep or just Mallick while William continues reading silently and brushes his fingers thru Mallick’s hair. Adam def has a pic of them like tht somewhere, hung up on th cork board Art had bought specifically fr those kinds of photos. it’s smth easy tht doesn’t really require much energy + has the added bonus of just being close to n held by someone u love n who loves u.

and they help each other. sometimes William has a rly hard time looking at himself, the days where his guilt sits heavy in his chest n doesn’t seem 2 want to anywhere, n Mallick will just sit w him outside on th porch swing and just Be There bc it’s like. “I’m here, I want to b here, Jigsaw was wrong, you are not a terrible person, u did what u could w what u had and I love you,” in a single action. I think William also struggles, like u’ve mentioned tht Eric does, w th guilt of what happened + feeling like it was his fault. so Mallick sitting w him, their shoulders brushing, fr William it’s like, if he was truly as awful a person as John seemed 2 think he was, wld Mallick be this close? wld Mallick willingly lay down beside him some nights n kiss him good morning? wld he kiss him again on th cheek after he makes a fresh pot of coffee + pancakes? n William knows tht Mallick wouldn’t keep himself so close if John was right, so it’s like. proof of tht. n tht means a lot to William. sometimes tht’s all he needs.

they don’t have 2 deal w their struggles alone. they’re both surrounded by ppl who love them n want to see them do well - it’s only natural they feel tht way abt each other, too.

35. nie huaisang time

I find it very ridiculous how wwx keeps knocking jin ling out, dragging him around, siphoning curses off his body, and generally taking care of him without actually talking to him about what’s happened to him. as with yanli and jc, so it is with jl. who keeps falling for wwx’s “oh no a great cultivator right behind you!” schtick. I think jin ling, as well as being a rule-breaker and prone to outbursts, is kind of dumb. I say this with love

and then wwx calls him a brat right after he’s so funny

wwx, freshly ressurected, is still on “can’t show my weaknesses or they’ll Get me” and “I’ve gotta lie to make sure nobody else worries” brain even with lwj, but lwj can tell, he knows him. and wwx directly asking for help means he’s moving away from the “I have to take care of everything on my own” mindset!

oh god...he knows him...the one who knows him...

wwx saying that he always expected to be with jc, opposite lwj, always struck me as odd. like maybe up to sunshot, but this late? maybe he’s reminiscing about his teenage years

the bridge scene in the moonlight is so pretty, especially with the context of the scene back in yunmeng with the kissing figures on wwx’s bedpost :) I think piggyback riding does look very silly and I’m so sad wwx forgot about his offer back in ep13 or so. maybe he’ll remember, like he remembers about the teashop later in this episode.

I read somewhere that wyb was supposed to carry zx bridal style but he didn’t have the upper body strength, although in-universe, a cultivator of his level would be able to carry another person easily

man I think reading all those postres fics spoiled me. it is genuinely really hard to portray a romance through censorship. there are so many scenes this episode where I expect lwj to say something and he doesn’t

nhs!!! we aren’t told how lwj knows where nhs is staying. we are not told why, after they barged into his rooms, nhs is the one to gratefully flee the room. but I really like the arm around the shoulder/smirk moment (their HANDS touched!) so idc about the plot making sense. sometimes lwj will just go for it huh

haven’t talked a lot abt nhs so far but it really is fascinating how a martially-focused sect with a forthright, honest, emotion-driven, and justice-minded leader is now led by an artist with little skill at cultivation and no interest in carrying a saber. how nhs has his own strengths that his brother and the world didn’t appreciate, how he’s clever and underhanded and patient and calculating and willing to put a lot of people in danger for his goals. he’s such an unusual person to come from the nie sect and people who are obsessed with him are 100% correct. he’s a really good character, but not quite my type personally

I could also talk about how short he looks but I think ji li is average height and the other actors (esp zx) are just really tall. he also looks very young to me but this is a deliberate act on his part to appear weak - almost all of his dialogue during his interrogation had an edge of whining. we don’t see that at all after he shows his true colors. ji li knocked it out of the park with his performance here. he’s up there with zx, wyb, and wzc in terms of acting

wwx wearing the exact same clothes and hairband as he used to and talking and DRINKING in the same manner as he always did, hanging out with lwj who was only ever close to ONE person outside his family, now interacting with one of his high school friends and he didn’t think nhs knew it was him? how dumb did he think nhs was? I guess gusu-era wwx really was wrapped up in himself

speaking of, I LOVE the scene where he compliments nhs’s fan. thinking back to how he was before, spending the time to really look at this fan and appreciate the beauty of it, and then giving him praise that mirrored what nhs said about it back then - it’s progress! good for him! I can’t believe he thought using the EXACT same phrasing would be a good idea since he’s apparently supposed to be keeping his identity secret, but maybe he wanted nhs to feel good about it

lwj is very polite to nhs, I notice

like I said, I don’t care for this plot - in the novel, they were actually finding chunks of nmj’s body, which was macabre but also more compelling

but I do notice that wwx and lwj are almost entirely on the same page, making connections and discoveries step by step with each other. I know wwx is a one-in-a-million genius when it comes to new creations, but it’s not like lwj is dumb, he was always at the top of his class and he’s been solving cultivation mysteries and tracking down resentful spirits his entire life. and I like that it goes back to lwj and wwx being each other’s match. nobody in either of their clans were on their level so they were both isolated before meeting each other, at least in some way

oh! when wwx and lwj realize that nmj was murdered, the camera focuses on nhs’s hand as it suddenly grips the edge of the tomb in anger

omg not only did wwx sit on nhs’s ancestral coffin to relax and had to be given a very pointed stare to get up, he also talked about “my yin iron” while nhs was like two feet away. just how little respect does he have for nhs omg. he was bad enough with the juniors, talking about how dying isn’t fun and how he wants to avoid old friends, but at least they never personally knew him as young adults and were peers with him

this episode’s homoerotic duet was great, but I don’t understand the dialogue. in netflix wwx was like “it was hard for you to hear the flute back then” or something. was he saying that he carved this flute really quickly and it wasn’t a finely made instrument, so he’s sorry it sounds bad and that’s why lwj was cleaning it out?

also, his flute has characters on the side. I wonder what they say. I don’t think he named this one

they really just covered zx’s leg with gray metallic paint and called it a day huh...

lwj not reacting with anger when wwx flirts with him but instead with umm a kind of cool intensity? growth? he’s certainly come a long way in his level of comfort with himself and with being with wwx. he does look a little annoyed but he’s hardly the same sensitive and impulsive kid back in the gusu arc

when wwx mentions the curse has gotten to his thigh, in the novel it was like a very intense scene where lwj was clearly repressing all his. uh. thoughts and urges. but I watched this scene very carefully and to me he really just does look worried here

I mean it's not like lwj doesn’t have sexual thoughts ever obviously it just didn’t seem like this scene was quite the same as it was in the book

heyyy back in this place! lwj remembered, and wwx appreciates that he remembered :)

hearing how people are still blaming the yllz for things and wwx is like “come on :( it’s been like ages since I’ve terrorized the cultivation world I didn’t have anything to do with xue yang!”

ohhhh and the SL/xxc news, especially the news implicating xxc in the torture of chang ping....wwx explicitly envying two men who were able to live their lives together, who were able to sidestep the cultivation world’s pettiness and corruption and politics and concern with blood ties. and lwj, who’d very likely never met any other men like him, watching these two fulfil their oaths and bring justice to the world as partners. their dreams for themselves and for what they wanted their relationship to look like, two men they admired, and in wwx’s case, one of his only living connections to his mother. that’s harsh

as devastating as it was for wwx to hear about their fate, I imagine it would have even been worse for lwj, because he was truly all alone. and this was not long after he’d left his ice cave penance, I think

the camerawork for when he grabs that drink and downs it is very deliberate. it takes him a long time to get it all down, and his eyes, staring straight upward, look both desperate and determined the entire time

quite a tragic cause, but the effect in 36 is fantastic

Ok Ashley, first of all when I saw the gif you used, I know you were about to FUCK ME UPPPP. Alright bubs, buckle up this is gon be a RIDE cus phew I am the biggest hoe for ego. I’ve literally re-read the whole series MULTIPLE TIMES and it’s never NOT funny, like I still cackle at the same jokes every damn time. Anyways, yes let’s get it. I love how you’ve used common tropes like fuckboy!jk, fratboy!jk, college au, F2L, and onebed, but have completely made it your own. Like I feel like even if

you posted your work under some other pen name, I’d still recognize your style and work. You have a very specific voice? Very “YOU” BRAND of writing and that’s probably one of the HARDEST things to achieve as a writer. Mc is a delight and the way she be low key losing her cool over sleepin in the same bed as kook has me cryin cus girl I FEEL YA. “just a t-shirt advertising your university’s Segway club that you had swiped off a table for free during freshman orientation” HAHAHA mc and I are the

same fuckin people is2g cus free is for me. ALSO DUDE, “Jungkook softly, but audibly inhaled, like he was gearing up to say something of importance” BUT WHAT WAS HE GOING TO SAY?! I need to know, it’s for science. Also, high key endeared that he calls he “noona” cus I’m a pervy old lady and a lady could dream ok. Yes, now we get to the good stuffs, cus motherfucker would I love to wake up to kook’s morning wood wow he really be like a man buffet- he’s both cute and dashingly sexy. “attempting to

smooth your expression into one of ignorant unconsciousness as adrenaline pounded through you. Your eyes were closed, but that didn’t stop you from feeling his close proximity as he gingerly leaned over you to scope out your face” OMFG THE WAY MY BLOOD PRESSURE SKYROCKETED. Ngl been there and it’s SO uncomfortable like can he NOT feel my heart falling right outta my ass??? Kudos to mc for keeping composure (cus I wasn’t able to oops) kinda interested in what the situation woulda looked like had

he known she was awake tho?? “really? … fucking really gonna do this now?” HAHAH OMG “the way he was using the clothes he had apparently grabbed from his bag to hide his crotch from your view” the consistency in your writing is SO IMPRESSIVE like… when I read ego I see it as a move in my head bc of all these small, but important, details. They both migrated towards each other uwu that is SO CUTE, esp with kook as the big spoon wrapped all around her ughhh my heart. And the way she grabbed a

plate of food for baby boy has me SO ENDEARED, it’s so sweet the way she’s thinking of him and his favorite food. Ok, BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT NAMJOON AND LISA, cus Namjesus they totally boned that night didn’t they?! The whole breakfast scene had me ROLLING “jungkookie lost his hands in a tragic paragliding accident” and “…like he was sitting there smiling at you, eyes sparkling like he was a big titty anime girl?” honestly, I gotta hand it to you, there has been no fic that makes me laugh the way

ego does. The dialogue, the pop culture references (re: pimp my ride, fear factor, “Squidward”, etc), the humor KILLS ME. You seem like the funny af friend in the group. Like “baby wine doesn’t exist because that illegal. and, frankly, immoral.” “But I would just like to state for the record that I’m the one who passed through her vagina.” “Tore it too, from what I hear” HAHA OMFG THEIR BANTER IS A+ bff shitting on each other and I’m living for it!!! The whole laser tag scene was pure gold.

The way lisa started opening up, jk’s cocky ass, mc/joon’s mess of team work, the way jungkook calls mc “babe” instead of “noona” (what’s with that anyways? He wanna be seen as manlier or something??), the return of the god of destruction, “Yeah, well you also have no upper lip” HAHAHAHA ok but I actually love jk’s sparce upper lip and buck teeth, it’s just so SWEET &ENDEARING. “You watched his tongue roll in his cheek as he considered you. It was sexy” HELL MFING YES IT’S SO SEXY!! I love this

characterization of jk- he’s very layered. He’s sweet, charming, sexy, dumb af, and annoying all at the same time which makes him feel vvv real to me. And now the smut. The fact that they’re in the same position as the other morning, but unlike last time, she’s ready to do something about it. The mouth on that boy omg reminds me of “do you kiss your mom with that mouth?” from an earlier chapter phew. I love that he’s focused on prepping her with all the grinding and fingering. While v sexy, also

shows he cares about her pleasure in that he wants her to enjoy penetration. The bit when he’s just dazed when she’s urging him to get a condom has me chuckling- is he THAT shook that it’s actually happening?? “He slid the rubber on with shaky hands.” Makes me think that he’s both nervous and excited and it’s more than just one time fucking to him. And the way she asks to ride him phew, she really be LIVIN THE DREAM that’s my ultimate fantasy let’s be real until he opens his dumb mouth “Hop on.

Please remember to fasten your seatbelt and for your safety keep all items stowed beneath the seat in front of you until after takeoff” OMFG HE’S SO ANNOYING HAHAHA “You placed another kiss on a pebbled nipple, intrigued when you heard him swallow a moan. Emboldened, you circled it with your tongue, scratched it lightly with your teeth. Jungkook whined, and the sound shot straight to your clit” FUCK THAT’S HOT. I am 10/10 a hoe for nipple play. Holy shit, and the way he pulled outta her cus he

knew he wasn’t going to make it in time for her to cum too, so he opts to eat her out first. We LOVE a man who prioritizes female pleasure!! Hnng and the way she agrees to continue fucking even after she’s already came and the way kook just GOES TO FUCKING TOWN ON THAT PUSS had my vag ROLLINGGGG damn I really feel bad for whoever is sharing a wall with them rn cus that headboard RIP my heart “I win” wtf dude his pillow talk SUCKS ASS. Just when she thinks she’s not just a game to him, he pulls

this shit. It’s probably just a dumb af joke cus we know my bby be competitive as all hell and also ain’t that smart, but damn. Not. The. Time. UGHHHH I just want to squish their faces together and be like "TALK TO EACH OTHER PLS- this is all a terrible misunderstanding" TL;DR my panties are wet, my heart is broken, and I kinda wanna knee kook in the balls. Thank you for this update!! Masterpieces are ALWAYS worth the wait!! It's bitter sweet that ego is comin to the end. Sending all my love

PHEWWWWW, THIS REVIEW!! 😭😭💕we still have one part left, so i’m not gonna confirm or deny any of your assumptions. but OMG, i’m so touched that my work left this big of an impression on you! your commentary made me smile so big 😩😩😩 truly, thank you so much for enjoying my wacky fic and my wacky characters. it really means a lot to know that people love my babies as much as i do, and that they’re actually as invested in the storyline as i am. ego was my first fic for the bts fandom, so she’s really special to me and it makes me happy that others enjoy her 🤧💕 and that you enjoy my writing style 😭😭😭pls 😭😭😭

thank you again for your sweet words. hopefully i can finish ch 8 sooner than later!