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cryptotheism · 1 year

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A Review of The Way Of The Shadow Wolves: The Deep State And The Hijacking Of America by Steven Segal

Alleged rapist and human trafficker, cop groupie, washed-up action movie star, and personal friend to Vladimir Putin, the paradox of Steven Segal is how he manages to stick around despite being –by damn near every account– a universally unpleasant vacuum of charisma. I could go on, but I feel that no introduction of Steven would be complete without the tale of the headlock. Legends tell of Steven’s conflict with legendary martial artist and hollywood stunt coordinator “Judo” Gene Lebell. Allegedly, the two fell into an argument on the set of the film Out For Justice. The crux being Steven’s claim that he was “immune” to being choked unconscious. Allegedly, LeBell called his bluff, and put the actor in a headlock. A headlock that resulted in Steven losing consciousness, and control of his bowels. Steven denies the story. He also wrote a book.

The book is garbage, but garbage in a way that can be easily overstated. I wanted to take a page from other reviewers of this book, and call the text what it is; a fever dream of exhausting mediocrity, swaddled in delusions of grandeur. I wanted to whale on it. I wanted to denounce it like some ridiculous fire-and-brimstone preacher of internet literary criticism. But this does not capture the core, the essence of Way of the Shadow Wolves. There is a paradox at the heart of this text, a contradiction that even now I struggle to describe. Because despite everything, despite the balls-to-the-walls premise, the disastrous prose, and the buckwild plot, this book is deeply and powerfully boring. To call it a fever dream is to imply that it might be exciting.

Some books are bad in a way that must be experienced firsthand. This is not one of those books. In a way, I feel that you’ve already read this book. You know Steven Segal. You met him in elementary school, when he told you he has “every black belt.” You met him in college when you tricked him into smoking a bag of oregano. You met him at your most recent family gathering, where you were trapped in an awkward one-sided conversation about “those people.” The bad-ness of Steven’s work is deeply familiar.

We have our boots. We have our waders. We have our shovels. But, before we wade into the shit, there is one more thing we need to get out of the way: The Shadow Wolves are real. In 1972 the United States government agreed to the Tohono O'odham Nation’s demand that border enforcement agents patrolling their land have at least one quarter native ancestry. The result being the specialized unit of Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers known as The Shadow Wolves. In the 2020 Sonic the Hedgehog film, Dr. Eggman states that they are who trained him in the art of tracking.

WAY OF THE SHADOW WOLVES

Let us cook Way of the Shadow Wolves from scratch. Think of every dogshit C-list action movie you’ve ever seen. Ideally, you want the trash cuts of post-9/11 hysteria marbled with ex-cia heroes and vaguely arab villains. Drop it all into a stockpot. Next, roughly dice some comic books and kung-fu movies, the more racist the better. Now add some datura, it doesn't matter if it's edible or not, because you saw a native American in a movie make something like that once and you’re totally 1/64th Cherokee. Add a whole can of Qanon and a whole can of racism. Boil until you have pacing thicker than mud.

Way of the Shadow Wolves is a police procedural meets a spy thriller, a fast-paced action drama about elite agents on the fringes of the law who have the huge sweaty meaty balls to do what needs to be done for our country. It is Steven's attempt at the action schlock he embodies as an actor. Our hero is John Gode: Shadow Wolf. Reservation-born native American tracker, ICE agent, and Kung-Fu master. I believe he might have been described at one point. If he was, I do not care. Steven does not care. It does not matter. John Gode is Steven, and he’s the most badass dude to ever not be gay. He is: Special Agent Shaman Cop. He’s gonna beat up the deep state. That’s all you need to really need to know. In fact, it is shocking just how little you need to know about this book.

We begin in a movie theater, where our protagonist is alone, watching the end credits of a movie about the atrocious treatment of native Americans on behalf of the united states government. When the film finally ends, John says to himself “It’s about time.” He gets up to leave. The chapter immediately ends. My compliments to the chef. A delightfully bland apéritif of a character introduction. Steven uses the essential point of first contact with our protagonist to tell us vital information like “He doesn’t like it when movies are long.” or maybe “He didn’t like this movie about the trail of tears.” It is unclear. To quote English-Albanian philosopher Dua Lipa, “Go girl, give us nothing.”

I have been dancing around the quality of the writing. It seems impossible to approach without the footing of a new paragraph, an opponent that requires full-focus, an all-out assault. It is nigh-incomprehensible. I hate comparing bad writing to drugs. It feels too easy. But there is a specific air to Way of the Shadow Wolves. There is a distinct cadence, simultaneously manic and lethargic, that comes from attempting to write while day drunk on over-prescribed amphetamines. And make no mistake, if Steven was not entranced by the muse of Too Many Uppers And Downers At The Same Time, if he wrote this thing stone sober, that is worse. Small quotes will not do the writing style justice, you must see for yourself how sentences flow into each other:

“The desperado’s mind went back in time to a small town in Mexico twelve years before, where he first met his two cohorts when they were thrown together by a tragic set of circumstances. Their parents had been gunned down by a cartel who was at war with a competing cartel for control of the area, which was a pathway to the American border near Nogales, Arizona. All three had been shepherded to a local mission where they were being cared for by the Franciscans, who were becoming overwhelmed by the growing number of children left homeless due to the rampant killings by the warring cartels . . .”

Labyrinthine. A paragraph structure that would feel more at home with Calvino, or Garcia Marquez at his most experimental, though stripped of its deft control and musicality. Segal will regularly change temporal perspective in the middle of sentences. A single run-on sentence will begin in the past, have a middle clause in the present, and then return to the past by the end. There is a downright massive cast of characters for a 200 page book. Damn near every chapter introduces three or four more names, and we are lucky if Steven describes them before discarding them entirely. This book is a slog. I find myself losing patience with Steven.

—

Some time has passed since I began writing this review. Originally, my approach was surgical disassembly. I was going to go over the plot, summarize its anatomy, pick apart its flaws with surgical precision. But the more I cut, the more I felt as if I was the butt of a joke. I was performing an autopsy on a clown, pulling sheets of colorful rope from its gut, and the cadaver was laughing at me.

There is a moment, about halfway through. A woman approaches John at a bar. An assassin, who later attacks John in the parking lot with karate. A furious series of crescent kicks, effortlessly blocked by John Gode, who punches her in the ribs and knocks her to the ground. Realizing that her martial arts are defeated, she draws her gun, but John Gode is too fast. He fires his own weapon before she can get the shot off, killing her instantly. “Her round went upward toward the sky as she fell backward with eyes wide open, seeing nothing.”

This scene stuck with me. It illustrates one of the critical flaws at the heart of Way of the Shadow Wolves. Nothing hurts John. Nothing even gets close. He does not struggle. He does not sweat. He does not bleed. Steven clearly intends this scene to be badass, a moment where his self-insert hero defeats a dangerous enemy without trying. This book is an action movie, but John’s untouchability makes every action scene read as a moment of profound and boring cruelty. This was not a contest of master martial artists. This was an adult kicking a child in the throat.

I find myself losing patience with Steven. I am running out of humorous ways to describe this vapid tripe. This is, in my mind, the greatest condemnation of bad writing. There is no hell lower than being boring to mock. I see myself as a sort of sommelier of the awkward and disastrous. I will be the first to tell you “Wait! Don’t throw that out! There are things to be learned!” But Steven repeatedly proves himself to be a sort of Alchemist of Shit, capable of transmuting theoretically interesting bullshit into just fucking nothing. If this book deserves credit for anything, it is its miraculous ability to squander its own premise.

Why write this? Any of this? Steven clearly does not read. Or, if he does, he seems to subsist entirely on a diet of comic books about monkeys that do kung-fu. Why write this? At some level it all comes down to “because Steven wanted to” right?

Right?

But I cannot shake the feeling. To call this book masturbatory is to imply that Steven might have enjoyed it. There is a desperation to the power fantasy here. To be feared by men, desired by women, revered by all, yaddah yaddah yaddah, all the same trite excretions of blunt masculinity. But there is something else. Steven wants the same thing that every conspiracy theorist wants; a simple world. A world he can understand. Steven is exhausted, overwhelmed with a world he feels he can neither effect nor understand. I am exhausted.

I fear my earlier allusions to expressionist novels may have been more spot on than I imagined. Way of the Shadow Wolves has a plot in the sense that Sunny-D contains fruit juice. Its presence is a formality, a ceremonial hat worn for tax purposes. The plot is there, but it is unimportant. This is not a text that can be debated with. Because within the world of the text, politics is not complex. It is not actually a web of interconnected groups, each with their own interests, rivalries, alliances, and historical contexts. Behind all of it is two things: Good guys, and bad guys. The good guys are all working together, and the bad guys are all working together.

I find myself losing patience with Steven. I fear my earlier allusions to expressionist novels may have been more spot on than I imagined. Way of the Shadow Wolves has a plot.

John Gode finds a human tooth in the desert. It belongs to a body, a body of a woman described in lurid detail. Nearby, he meets a young native American man, a man who calls himself Sweet Tooth. The body is missing teeth, missing hands, missing feet. A trademark cartel killing. A young native American man. “I’m gonna be like, your assistant right?” A buddy cop dynamic. Meeting the task force. Tailing an ICE van full of cartel soldiers. A hostage situation. A shootout in the desert. Far away, faceless men in suits with masonic ranks plan a mass killing. Some sounded like they had Arabic accents. Freemasonry. Interrogation with a snake. The corpse was a woman. The woman was a reporter. She had the evidence on a flash drive, evidence that proved the existence of the deep state. What if its all connected? A sex scene, or almost a sex scene. A sex scene interrupted. A shootout in the desert. Kung Fu assassins at a bar. A cartel defector. A shootout in the desert. What if its all connected. They’re working with the Jihadists. The USA is already “half latino.” The government is paying the cartels to ship Jihadists north across the border. They’re well-trained and well armed. You can’t trust anyone. A terrorist defector who hears the voice of the prophet. The ghost of John’s grandfather. The sun sets over the Sonora. A shootout in the desert. They kidnapped John’s mother. Bring them the flash drive. They’re planning to bomb the casino. A shootout in the desert. The police chief was a traitor. The Catholics are in on it. Its all connected. A shootout in the desert. Assault by night. Rescuing the hostage. A knife dipped in pigs blood. A pit of vipers in the sonora.

Steven ends a chapter with the line. “They had functioned like a well-oiled machine that had just saved two innocent lives. All lives matter. Do they not?”

I am tired. I find myself at a neighborhood block party, trapped in a conversation I’ve had a thousand times. This time the man on the other end is a sweaty divorcee in range glasses who looks like a sunburned thumb. Last week, it was a woman with a necklace of crystals and blonde hair bleached blonder. “Haha yeah” I say, looking down at my phone. “Burgers look good this year huh?”

Thank you to my Patreon supporters who made this review possible.

#Steven Segal Review

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milolunde · 17 days

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SO SONIC FORCES!!!

Always thought it was interesting. I don’t actually think I heard anything about the game before buying it, I just knew that it was a Sonic game. yippee!!!

Immediately after my initial whimsy wore off I started treating it like all my favorite media: a project to be rewritten to my liking. That was maybe five years ago, when I was gung-ho on the angst factor of the story above the Sonic factor.

After watching through the game’s Japanese dub and realizing the simple differences in word choice single-handedly enhanced the story, I started rewriting it AGAIN…. Here’s some of that <3

vvv

I’ve drawn Sonic after escaping Eggman “giving him hell,” and NOT after torture (I want to know the translator/script writer who thought that was a good idea, by the way), worse for wear, but excited to be free and stick it to the Freaks who thought they could kept him locked up and take over the world.

After Sonic narrowly escapes the Death Egg in the Slow-Down Shoes (you can clap) and finds Gadget (or “Buddy”) they head to the Arsenal Pyramid… after a change of shoes and a bite to eat, of course.

Sonic continues through the game in a set of spare shoes which make his in-game boost gauge deplete faster. His shoes, as well as his fatigue, keep him from winning out, leading to his partial-victory against Infinite, and landing him and Silver on the sidelines. Gadget takes on missions with other resistance members at his side while Sonic recuperates with Silver.

Tails hears the news Sonic is alive and quickly arrives to the HQ to reunite with his brother. He supplies Sonic with a pair of his iconic shoes, an extra set from the supplies he was able to grab before Eggman took over his labs. Officially recuperated enough, by his standards, Sonic and Tails are officially back in it and ready to get back to the fight.

^^^

You know… I don’t think I’ve ever shared my “rewrites” anywhere but with my friends. Sometimes it gets so complicated in my head it makes it really hard to get everything on paper. A lot of my “Forces rewrite” is handing the characters differently and how that changes the story.

In general, Forces is a… fine enough idea, but SEGA has a reputation for floundering good ideas and for forgetting you can appeal to a young audience while also allowing older kids to enjoy it without making a flat story.

Hearing the difference of “they’ve been torturing Sonic,” (ENG.) and “they’ve been giving him hell,” (JAP.) and “Tails has lost it,” (ENG.), “Tails is still missing,” (JAP.) I realized a lot of what I didn’t like- what I was rewriting- was the tone. It’s one of Force’s biggest issues: it doesn’t know what it wants to be. The Japanese dub seems to have an idea, but that can’t save it from the fact Infinite is A Big Loser and Sonic actually has no reason to be afraid of him, especially if Infinite wasn’t present during his time on the Death Egg… So I’m doing it myself

#sonic the hedgehog #sth #my art #sonic #sonic forces #YOU CAN ASK QUESTIONS BTW!!! there’s nothing much to say #and there’s nothing much to ask #but I LOVE TALKING!!!#forces!RW

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donelywell · 5 months

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ANGEL ISLAND October 2

As soon as they land on the previously floating island, Knuckles clocks Sonic in the face, making him drop all of the Chaos Emeralds he has.

Once Knuckles spots how dull the Emeralds are, he yells a storm at Sonic. Sonic crankily yells back that it’s all Eggman’s fault that this happened, he just fell for his bait. Knuckles laughed at this, calling Sonic feeble minded, but Sonic retorts that Knucklehead has fallen for his lies way more times than he has. Chip looks confused and scared as the 2 go quickly from fighting words to fists and kicks. Tails just looks tired, quickly breaking up the fight by reminding Knuckles that they’re here because he sent him a call about the Master Emerald acting strange.

While waiting for Tails to finish running a diagnosis on the Master Emerald, Sonic got bored and challenged an arm wrestling competition with Knuckles. After the arm wrestling, Sonic goes off and gives Chip a tour of Angel Island.

>Minigame

(You play as Sonic arm wrestling Knuckles, Chip is the referee.

The objective is to be faster than Knuckles can react when Chip says 'Go!' If you're faster than Knuckles' reaction time, then you win! If not, he absolutely destroyed you at arm wrestling.

And there is no cost to entering the mini game, but there is a risk/ reward situation.

If you win, you collect the rings Knuckles drops from the damage, if Knuckles wins, you lose some rings from taking damage.

You can enter the mini game at any time outside of playing acts after you make it to Angel Island.)

Tails and Knuckles go to the Master Emerald Temple to run a diagnostic. Turns out, the Master Emerald has power, but it seems to be locked away for some reason. So it’s basically just a glowing gemstone at the moment, unless you have a connection with it like Knuckles, but it only sounds like muffles to him at the moment.

Knuckles realizes that Tails is worried about something else, but he’s not sure what. But instead of asking and possibly making the kit uncomfortable (like he has done before), he just simply pet the kit’s head and purrs (Knuckles' purrs are very low). It always seems to help him relax.

> Angel Island Day Act 1

(Sonic just runs around Angel Island, use this as a way to help adjust to the controls)

Meanwhile, Sonic and Chip are having a tour of the floating island, with the final stop being one of the many Chao Gardens there. Chip immediately takes a liking to the place, and the Chao like him too. They all eat plenty of fruit and play around until Sonic gets a message from the communicator that it’s time to head back to the Temple.

When Sonic and Chip return, they catch Knuckles and Tails trying to find a way to recharge the Chaos Emeralds. The theory is that when the Chaos Emeralds are recharged, the Master Emerald might unlock its power and connections again.

Knuckles tries to remember an ancient writing he read once while patrolling Angel Island years ago, but Eggman destroyed it when he crash landed on the island back in Sonic 3 & Knuckles. He does recall something about Gaia healing the Emeralds though. Sonic pops in saying he heard Eggman talk about the ‘Gaia Manuscripts’, but he isn’t too sure since he was in a lot of pain at the time. Tails has a bright idea.

Tails races back to the Tornado, explaining that he met a Professor in Spagonia who specializes in researching the Gaia Legends, if anyone can help them with this predicament, it’s him. Knuckles and Chip straggle behind, with Knuckles grumbling that Tails should really stop getting these traits from Sonic. (Knuckles joined the party!)

Apotos

Spagonia/ Mazuri

#sonic the hedgehog #miles tails prower #tails the fox #knuckles the echidna #chip the light gaia #sonic unleashed #Sonic Unleashed: World Reimagined #angel island #Angel Island is back!! I don't really know why they didn't acknowledge the Master Emerald in the story...

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kiimmyko · 10 months

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Celebrating the good vibes with a Self Indulgent Doodle ^^

Story Added! Check it out below (Pure Headcanon Ideas Included)

“… Hedgehog.”

Sonic’s ears perked as his nemesis demanded his attention. He paused his drilling on the Tornado’s wing and glanced up. “Wassup?” He asked.

“You’re telling me you made this plane… with these numbers?” Eggman waved the Tornado’s original blueprint, crinkled up from over the years. The doctor looked completely offended. It was like Sonic’s old work was an insult to him and every engineer ever! “How on earth did you make this junk stay in the sky?!”

The hedgehog let out a small laugh. “Well- there were some problems at first. I would hafta land from island to island to fix things,” He explained. “Once Tails flew into the picture, the ol’ plane went through loads of changes- thanks to him!”

Eggman looked over the wrinkled up paper again. Brows furrowed in thought. “I’ll bet… the schematics are all over the place!”

“Hey! That’s exactly what he said!”

The Overlander rolled his eyes. The hedgehog was blissfully unaware of the dangers he put himself through! But of course, that was simply Sonic’s day to day routine. Countless memories of Sonic’s unpredictable recklessness that resulted in Eggman’s defeats ran through his mind.

“It’s truly a wonder how you manage to survive all these years...” Eggman almost growled as he glared over at the hedgehog.

Sonic only sneered back smugly. “What can I say? I’m full of surprises.” He added as small jab, “And you’re gonna hafta step it up if you wanna get rid of me, ya know?”

Eggman could feel his blood boil already. Here Sonic was taunting him in their moment of truce. He could call his bots on the Hedgehog right now if he wanted to.

…

Eggman huffed. He broke the stare down by rolling up the tattered blueprint and used it to smack Sonic over the top of his head. The sudden attack made Sonic yelp, jolt backwards, and fall off the Tornado’s wing with a loud THUD. Eggman smirked, satisfied with what he accomplished. That’ll do.

#sonic the hedgehog #dr. eggman #sketch #my art #headcanon #eggdad

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randomanimaticse · 3 months

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SHATTERED - Sonic Prime x reader

Chapter 1 | INCEPTION I

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

As an explosion went off in a mountain in the distance, Sonic ran through green hill collecting some rings, hurrying to the mountain, where his friends are fighting robotnik, he ran past big and froggy making him spin around.

Sonic went back and stopped Big from spinning, "Sorry, Big! Sorry, Froggy! Can't chat-- gotta go help our friends!" Sonic said running in place and ran off.

"No problem, Sonic!" Big said as froggy croaked.

"Home is where your friends are, as they say" It cuts to a memory of Sonic and his friends having a picnic, "And that's green hill!" Then of Sonic watching Amy admire a palm tree. "Where the best beaches," then of Tails flying next to a coconut. "Palm trees," Then of big holding a bunch of chili dogs making Sonic happy "And chili dogs, are just the tip of the iceberg!"

Then it cuts to Tails, Amy, Knuckles, and Malachite flying on the Tornado. "We've saved this place a million times, from this doofus." Then to Robotnik turning around to face the camera doing his evil laugh.

It cuts to shadow destroying a rock seemingly looking for something. "And then there's Shadow, it's complicated. More on him later."

Then to Sonic and his friend looking into the distance. "The fact is, we never lose. 'Cause when you've got a crew like mine," Sonic says as he runs up the mountain. "There's nothing that can stop you!"

"HEY GUYS! I MADE IT!"

"You're late!"

The team of mobians glared at the speedy blue hedgehog at his tardiness, said blue hedgehog shrugging his shoulders sheepishly with a grin and short chuckle.

"Sonic!?"

Dr. Eggman spun away from the shiny crystal embedded into the rock at the annoying voice of his enemy, the surrounding Badniks also following his gaze.

"Eggman!" Sonic smirked.

"Just in time to watch me claim the Paradox Prism and transform your disgustingly green world into something more... me." his hands lifted up to his side in an evil stance, staring at the mobian team, or sonic more specifically, through the glass prism, letting out his infamous cackle.

Dropping from the entrance of the cave, Sonic landed with a bored expression, his hand cupping his mouth as he gave an overly faked...

"Yaawwn..."

The mobian team dropped behind him as they all, Sonic included, settled into a fighting position.

"Yep, I yawned you, egghead!"

At the mockery, Eggman growled in a fit of rage, ordering his Badniks to attack the team with a pointed finger.

Both sides got into action, the mobian team easily overpowering and defeating each of Eggman's robots as they came their way.

Sonic destroyed a few bots before spin dashing at a Caterkiller, resulting in the worm bashing him away, the hedgehog losing a few rings and soaring back through the air with a "Whoa!"

"Sonic!"

A furry orange fox with two tails, using them to helicopter through the air, quickly caught him by his wrists, staring down at Sonic with a frown, clearly still upset at his delayed entrance.

"Yo, Tails!"

Sonic replied with a grin, swinging his legs back as Tails launched him forward in the air, spin attacking at two Buzz Bombers and speeding beside a red echidna with large, spiky gloves, the echidna eyeing the hedgehog with a scowl.

"Knuckles!" Sonic cheered, kicking away a Badnik, the echidna rolling his eyes and turning away from him, "You okay, buddy?"

"Nothing flusters me, Sonic," Knuckles grabbed a Buzz Bomber as it flew into him, throwing it into another incoming Badnik without so much as a sweat, both he and Sonic watching as both robots exploded.

"Except when you're late."

Sonic only shook his head with a hand on his hip at Knuckles as he ran off, not noticing the same Caterkiller from before coming up behind him, quickly getting saved by a flying white bat as she came up behind him and kicked the worm away.

"Oh, thanks Rouge!" he waved at her.

"Don't mention it... literally."

From another end of the cave, a pink hedgehog drove her hammer into a Burrobot, shoving it off as the head landed elsewhere, hopping from the ledge to the head, smiling as a flock of Flickies flew out from inside the bot.

"Amy!" Sonic leaned against the head with a smirk as he greeted her.

"Sonic! Where have you been?"

"You know, the usual... got a little side tracked."

Amy playfully rolled her eyes at his response as Sonic spins up a wall and destroys a few Buzz Bombers, striking one in the direction of a (F/C) lynx of the incoming badnik, slashing the robot in half with their claws.

"Malachite!" he ran in their direction, throwing a loose arm over their shoulders and pulling their faces close.

They huffed out at the sudden half embrace, their enhanced hearing is never well enough to catch when the speedy hedgehog comes their way, letting a small smile pass.

"Sonic," they countered, "What is this? A role call?"

"What? Can't call out my friends' names mid-battle?" he poked at them, standing back to back with them as a swarm of Badniks surrounded them.

Sonic punched and kicked at them while Malachite cut and slit through them, the bots exploding.

"Get that rock out of the ground!"

Dr. Eggman furiously shouted out, the Burrobots retreating from fighting to the rock that held the paradox prism in place, drilling at it as fast as they could despite the electric shocks that would knock them back, really getting nothing done regardless.

"Want something done..." Eggman grumbled, climbing up into his mech, "Do it yourself."

"Sonic, we don't know what the prism is capable of!" Tails warned his hedgehog friend as he rolled his way, beating the Badniks, "Be careful."

Sonic rolled his eyes and darted off, Tails groaning at his carelessness.

"If Eggman wants it, it can't be good!"

"Yup, got it." Sonic replied casually as he ran Eggman's way.

The villain controlled his giant robot from inside, its claws taking hold of the prism and pulling up, Eggman letting out another of his evil laughs.

"Sonic, seriously!"

"Step away from the rock, Eggman."

"Huh, not this time, you fool!"

Narrowing his eyes, anger and the desperate need to defeat the villain overcoming his senses more than anything, Sonic sped up faster towards the prism as Eggman began pulling it out of its rock, rolling up in a ball.

"Sonic, wait!" Tails called out.

"Sonic, no!"

The groups cries fell on deaf ears as Sonic collided with the prism, the force of the breaking pushing them all back, flying in the air.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"One day I'll destroy that hedgehog, and the world will be a brighter place for it, lit by neon."

"As long as I'm around, you'll always have a wingman!"

"The forest is the most beautiful place on Earth."

"I don't need the details, just tell me who to smash."

"You may not like the way I do things, but I get things done!"

"Don't worry, I've always got your back!"

"Hey I may be the one who can bring everyone together, but there's only one one hedgehog they'll follow into battle."

"Heh heh! I don't need an army when I got a friend like you, Sonic!"

"Listen to your friends, you might need it one day."

"I will rule the world, and no rodents are going to stop me!"

"We'd follow you anywhere, Sonic."

"Nothing could break our friendship, Sonic."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sonic stands up and groans "That's a sonic boom of a headache." He starts walking forward "Wh-Where am I? Huh?" There was a truck coming straight for him. "Aah!" He yelled before getting hit in the face by the truck.

As he climbed on top of the truck he looked around confused, "Uh" when he heard something behind of him, he turned around to see what it was, it was presumably a train and he ducked before he got hit in the face again. "Close one."

The truck shook and Sonic fell off of it onto a conveyor belt, he got up looking around still confused, but then he fell off of the conveyor belt before he could say anything. Before Sonic could get up again, he got swept up by a broom machine before getting thrown to the side.

"Why can't I remember how I got here?" Sonic said as he got back on his feet. "Think, Sonic, think, whoa what is up with my shoes?" He said examining them "Huh, I haven't seen anything like this since I ate truck stop chili dogs."

"Tails? Amy? Malachite? Heck, I'll even take Knuckles at this point" He said walking towards a mobian on one of the conveyor belts. "Uh, pardon me, what do you call this place?" He asked the mobian who was ignoring him. "Are you ignoring me? You're ignoring me. Why are you ignoring me? Why is everyone ignoring me?" He asked flailing his arms around.

"Can anybody give me a straight answer around here? And you're busy staring at nothing. Okay"

Sonic covered his ears because of a loud blaring sound "Welcome to New Yoke City. You're welcome. Never heard of it. Must be far from home."

"Where are the mountains, the beaches, the palm trees?" He looked to the side and saw a familiar purple cat. "Big! Froggy!" Sonic said as he hugged big. "Whoa, uh."

"Am I glad to see familiar faces! I thought I was losing my rings, if you know what I mean." He said while big was looking around for any robots. "What is going on here? Are you wearing pants?"

"Unidentified citizen. Alert! Alert!" A robotic voice said.

"Big! Don't go!"

"You are in violation of city ordinance 27 B/6"

"Sorry, I don't speak robot."

"By the authority of the Chaos Council, stand down or be disassembled."

"Chaos Council, sounds important. Give me directions, and I'll take it from there." Sonic said as he tried to run. "Wha-? Whoaa!" He exclaimed unable to control his running.

Sonic turned to an alley pressed up against the wall, trying to take sharp turns, "Whoa! what is up with my shoes?" He said before crashing into a wall. "Ugh! I'm not used to all these walls, and where are my rings?" He said checking for his rings, before almost getting hit by laser bullets.

He dodged the lasers that were being shot at him and spin dashed the robots "Robots without flickies? Now that's new." Sonic said before dodging more laser bullets and speeding away.

Running into the streets almost hitting a truck and then another truck, and then another and it was coming straight for him, but he ducked underneath it. "This is not working. I gotta get off the ground!" He said wall jumping onto a train.

Still trying to dodge the laser bullets while on the train, he notices a building being contructed and gets an idea. Sonic threw himself over to where the building was being constructed and slid through the building. Stopping on the edge trying to dodge the bullets. When the floor was close enough, he jumped off the ledge. Destroying the robots that were chasing him.

He landed on his feet panting not knowing he was being watched. "Smog, concrete, evil robots, it's like everything I hate in one place!" Sonic said looking around "Where am I?"

"Oh, no!" He gasps, looking at something familiar and speeding to the right. "Please be wrong. Please be wrong!" He stammered running up a building into the sky turning to look at the place he was in.

Sonic looked right, "the Loop-de-Loop." Then left "Hedgehog's Pass." Then right again, "and that should be Tails' lab! Aw, tails, what happened?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

BEFORE PRISM SHATTER

Tails is in the Tornado, turning to where the fight is. "Come on Egghead, show me what you got!" Sonic shouted.

Dr. Robotnik laughs "That's the spirit, rodent -- the spirit of a loser!"

"Takes one to know one. Ha!"

"Why do I feel like Eggman's keeping us off the main stage?" Amy asked.

"Eggman's got us fighting the badniks so he can have Sonic all to him self." Knuckles replied.

"Come on! Let's crash his show!" Malachite responded, cutting and slicing through the robots.

"One scrambled egg, coming up!" Sonic said spin dashing the robot.

"Hmm I don't like this, Dr. Eggman's too smart not to realize how terribly positioned he is." Tails said looking at his gadget "It's like he's --" tails sharply gasps. "He's not in there."

"Quaking in your tiny shoes at the might of my Eggcrusher? It's understandable I'm rather astounding."

"In your dreams! You bring it, I break it, Eggman. That's the game, and I'm still the undefeated numero uno." Sonic said doing a lot of poses.

"Then put your quills where your mouth is, unless you're scared!"

Tails shot some laser bullets at the robot "It's a trap, Sonic! It's a trap!"

"I don't see a trap, though I guess by definition I wouldn't see a trap if there was one."

Dr. Robotnik laughs

"Something funny egghead?"

"You are! Watching you try to think with that two-cent brain of yours is hilarious!"

"Sonic! You gotta listen! It's a trap!" Tails yelled.

"You're as stupid as your mutant, two-tail fox friend is ugly"

"Oh, you're really asking for it." Sonic barked

"Yes.. I am!" Robotnik marveled.

"You can mess with me, Eggman, but no one messes with my best friend." Sonic said running towards the robot.

"Sonic, no!" Tails yelled.

Sonic spin dashed the robot making a huge explosion once it hit the ground. Some mobians fall back due to the pressure. Big drops his fishing rod and catches froggy. The mountain cracks and reveals more cracked rock.

"Whoa! Didn't know I had that in me. That's what you get for messing with my friends, Egghead" Sonic said as he looked in the robot, but Robotnik wasn't there. "Huh? where's Eggman? He must have ejected. Well, looks like we win again. Tails! He's not even in here. Lame right?" He exclaimed to his two-tailed fox friend.

"Too chicken to face in us in person. Whatevs! Couldn't have done it without ya, buddy!" Sonic yelled, watching tails fly away in his plane. "Huh."

"Whoa, Tails looks upset" Knuckles stated.

"And tails never gets upset." Amy said with worry.

Malachite nodded in agreement

Robotnik laughs evilly from far away "It worked! Without the power of that blue buffoon, we would've had to dig for months! Thank you for the earthquake Sonic, and thank me for my plan, which went off spectacularly!"

"And it worked too!" Cubot added.

"Of course it worked I just said that!" Robotnik yelled. "Ugh, let's go papa wants his prism" He ordered, throwing his walkie-talkie to Orbot. As he walked away Orbot and Cubot fist bumped.

Sonic ran over to tails' lab putting in the code '1992' before opening and walking the lab. "Yo! How's my genius friend?" He asked tails. "Hey Sonic," Tails sighed. "I brought you some comics." Sonic stated. "Thanks Sonic you can put them over there"

Sonic chuckles, "How about a little break from the big brain stuff?"

"I can't. Something's not right. I gotta figure out what Eggman is up to."

Sonic frowns and walks over to Tails, and turns his chair around to face him. "Sorry, Tails. I didn't mean to upset you. In fact, I've never seen you so upset. I just kinda got into the moment and.."

"Sonic, it's cool. Really. But thanks. I appreciate it." There was a moment of silence before Tails started speaking again. "Don't you think that Eggman wasn't in the Eggcrusher?"

"Uh, not really. I mean, he is a total chicken. But I did find a hunk of junk in the cockpit where his big butt shoulda been."

"Hunk of junk, huh? Wonder if that was all part of the trap? Tell me you didn't toss it in the barge of badnik parts."

"Uh." Sonic speeds away and comes back with it in his hands "Junk speedy delivery! You smash it, we dash it" Sonic beamed "Whoa, lemme see that! It wasn't a trap, it was a trick. You've never created a blast that destructive. I think that this device was some sort of speed amplifier. Long story short, he used your speed against you!" Tails explained.

"The fox is on to something."

"Huh?"

"Rouge?" Both Sonic and Tails asked.

"How did you get in here?" Sonic inquired.

"He played you for a fool, Blue." She remarked

"Pfft! Please!" Sonic replied putting a hand on his hip.

"What would he need a massive explosion in that area for?"

"Well.. I have a hunch" Rouge said as she spread her wings and jumped down off of the ledge she was sitting on to fly. "You see, I've been searching for years for a super rare and shiny gem called the paradox prism." She explained flying towards tails' tool board stopping a few inches away from it.

"Paradox Prism?" Sonic ask

"Legend speaks of an untold power, and it's buried deep within the Green Hill bedrock. My guess is that he used your power against you to try to find it." She replied.

"Fascinating. But what I really want to know is, how did you get in here?" Sonic inquired.

Rouge looked at him in disbelief. "You left the door open." She said pointing to a wide open garage door. Gather your crew and meet me at the top of the Loop-de-Loop. Let's find out what Eggman is up to."

At the top of the mountain, Robotnik was there "At last. The Paradox Prism! So close. It was only a rumor for so long, and now inches from my grasp. Countless times I have tried to modernize this hunk of earth only to be defied by that simpleton Sonic." Robotnik hissed

"Now, it's finally going to happen. And it's all the sweeter because the blue baboon handed me this prize.." He clapped his hands "without realizing it. So, thank you, Sonic. For now I stand at the summit of--"

"Of the mountain." Orbot interrupted.

"..of a new age! The age of--"

"Pretty lights?" Cubot asked interrupting Robotnik.

"..the age of the Eggman Empire!"

"Ooh, fancy!" Both Orbot and Cubot said.

"And now.." Robotnik screamed as he fell into the entrance he made. "Why didn't you idiots tell me how big that first step was?" He shouted before getting back in his robot.

"Sorry, boss" Orbot replied.

Robotnik began to walk down the path. "Where is it? I know you're in here somewhere." He said as his flashlight made the prism shine bright and reflect throughout the cave. He chuckled when he saw it, but then it turned into wicked laughter.

"I think Rouge is right. Eggman picked that spot for a reason. Why else would he hide a power amplifier in his own Eggcrusher?" Tails spoke.

"So, we start at the scene of the crime." Knuckles stated

"Exactly. Lets go investigate and see if anything might lead us to this Paradox Prism you guys are talking about" Amy added.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOW

"Paradox Prism. Right. That's what Eggman was after. How?" Sonic asked falling on his face. "No, no, no. I didn't leave Green Hill. This is Green Hill. He did it. I don't know how he did it, but he did it. Eggman won."

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

This took a long time, oh my gosh. But the first chapter is out! (Finally)

I like calling Robotnik by his actual last name for some reason, don't ask me why.

I had to rewrite from the part where Sonic asks "Paradox Prism?" To when Knuckles said "So, we start at the scene of the crime." That was such a hassle.

Also since this chapter is done, I will now focus more on requests, and the next chapter will take a while since i'm only 17 minutes into the episode.

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