#dont look too hard at everything else!!!
Photo
“show me what you’ve got tough guy ;)”
#its well. i drew something!!! and i think the face is cute!!!#dont look too hard at everything else!!!#art#gallavich#shameless#mickey milkovich#the thing about me is i will never draw something cleanly#that 7x10 art was an outlier hope that clears things up#mickeys floppy bit of hair my beloved#i will draw it always#not just because its easier for me to draw than his neat hair!!! (read: yeah thats why)#im looking at this and thinking *** **** *** *** *****#its censored cuz if i say it thats all anyone will see sgasdfsdgwefdsf#spongebob holding hands up meme wait#that wasnt n/sfw. its abt a mistake i made in the drawing#oh my god typo#this is why i should draft things first#ok i had to edit im so sorry#after all the rbs too sgsafsfdsdf well. well. well.
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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i have slept, I still deeply hunger for a specific form of Media and I'm still mad that supernatural came so close lmao, but to clarify now with a sound mind; im gonna just chew on that one episode for a while, I don't think I'm about to dive into a new series. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough.
And being honest that one episode gave me so much and I really just want more of that and not much else LMFAO sorry
#shy talks#not art#you know what i wont apologise for liking this shit#pipe dream to do a good vampire show or media that tackles exactly what compells me one day#might even do a weird internet essay breaking it down one day and categorising other media i've watched that examines it#theres a lot of themes in vampire media and sex is talked about a lot#but i dont want to tread on the far more skilled toes of others who've looked at those themes and its not the bit that sends me#its something else that is often touched on but never taken far for fear of pushing the default protagonist too far#the woes of a 'vampire episode' being in the middle of a show where the characters have set and determined arcs#and yeah almost everything looks at the dark romance of it all#but no i want to look at how it breaks people#how they rebel and relent and try to not give in but oh it hurts and its hard#anyway INCREDIBLE that a Twilight parody episode of Supernatural ticked so many boxes for me#chewing and biting and crunching on this
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Guys guess which game turns 2 years old today guys
Extra Dawn doodle
#contest outfits are everything#DONT DONT DONT LOOK TOO HARD AT THIS#I ‘FINISHED’ THIS ABNORMALLY QUICK#I keep forgetting Platinum’s anniversary (my very first game) so I decided I’d make something for the next anniversary#then I look up brildiam and BAM it’s 2 weeks away#so this was actually just thrown together#Diino doodle#Sinnoh#brilliant diamond#shining Pearl#brilliant diamond and shining pearl#gen 4 pokemon#pokemon#pokemon dppt#pokemon bdsp#this image is kinda corny just ignore it ok I didn’t know what else to do#eyes are watering looking at this from sheer embarrassment#trainer dawn#trainer Lucas
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augh. this week is going to Suck
#total lack of enthusiasm for our classes this week it seems. feeling extra weird abt my parents also#on top of that is the general everything#and also ive been thinking lately i dont look quite like a person#like everyone else i look at them and go oh hey! a person! we like those. and then i look in the mirror and its like. is this thing alive-#is anybody home. and im paranoid everyone else notices too i zoned out in acting + performance class today and mickey d was like oh-#looks like im losing sasha. guess id better be more entertaining#like fuck! of course im not going to make friends if im reanimated roadkill#sitting through class is always hard but its a lot harder when youre praying for a horror movie villain to come at you swinging w a chainsa#just so i can get enough of the fight part of the fight or flight out of my system to function#vent
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@outofthiisworld asked-🔥 - character designs (like pet peeves in designs? things you like that others don’t? Whatever rustles ur feathers let it rip)
unpopular(?) opinions (accepting)
I kind of don't really like super complicated designs? Yeah, they can be cool and all but if they're kind of hard for me to draw, I'm not exactly going to like them very much. (Yeah, I can always simplify it but my brain's very particular about that kind of thing. See, idk, Gen.shin Imp.act as an example bc hoo boy, I do not like the way a lot of those character designs look.)
Idk, I think I like simplicity but as long as it's not too simple of a design? Like do a little extra something with it while also being easy for me to parse and I'll be pretty much fine with it!
#//idk how else to describe what i like in designs other than gesturing to a picture and being like that#//this probably doesnt make much sense sorry about that hbfndffnhjg#//its really hard for me to accurately explain what i dont like in a design outside of saying its ugly or doing a little too much#//but it probably doesnt help that my brain is like I HAVE TO GET EVERYTHING RIGHT OR ELSE PEOPLE WILL CALL ME A FRAUD lmao#//adding on but idk if anyone has seen a lot of 90s comic book hero costumes but some of those designs are so fucking goofy#//i cant help but like them despite how utterly dumb most of them look#//their attempts at being cool charm have won me over#//and even then its the ones that lean towards being super super simple bc hoo boy a lot of those costumes are UUUUUGGGLLYY#//like yeesh there's a whole lot of stinkers there eugh#why are you botherin' me? {answered memes}#backup log {ooc}#outofthiisworld
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cho giseok working with xg :) i love when kpop companies let creatives do their work!
he worked with other idols before and it was always boring (see his “work” with txt and nj) because of the company’s restraints. so i’m happy he gets to do what he wants and have company support!
i know!!! im SO glad that somebody recognizes his vision and is letting him actually do the kind of work he does WELL. i really love that their whole creative team has really gone all out and actually committed to their concept for the prereleases, and likely for the album too if tgif was any indication. and even for the stages!!! the girl gvng stages make me fucking INSANE the decals the CHOREOOOOOO it's everything 2 me. expect it near the top if not at the top of the choreo list this year. i haven't seen a group commit that hard to an actual character in their choreo in ages, and definitely not for a gg
#they said fuck looking elegant we are CYBORGS#theres actually been some good choreo gems this year. one of my other faves is dkz dont call me!#it goes so extremely hard for no reason. but dkz choreos are tbh always really good. i will always love the ass bit in crazy night#xg#text#answers#i dont even know what else is on my list atm. chrome arts for sure. i think killer too?#DEFINITELY vuja de i watched the first stage on the mubank livestream and Holy Fucking Shit#its insane its everything im obsessed its sooooo japanese he has to have worked with a japanese choreographer bc that is Not a kpop chorep#oh circle!!!! love love love the concept for the circle choreo even if i thought they didnt pull it off all the way
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so tired of seeing peoples stupid posts on my dash i dont feel like injecting this with a moral argument this aspect just fucking annoys me but anyway buying blue checkmark is a false equivalence to a tangible object theres a very easy to acknowledge difference between donating to ao3 2.0 and buying like a toy lol take that as you will but dont act like its not the truth
#its the ao3 argument all over again if you bitch ab donating to ao3 then bitch ab the checkmarks too i think#i want everyone to shut the fuck up about everything now i have heard the words twitter checkmark and elon for a week#thats enough time for me to care now you guys ran out#die about it or something but at least dont go out saying stupid unreal bullshit#ougohggohuhg but what if you buy a fidget spinner for 8 dollar instead of donating to charity huhhhhh#bc im not donating my money with no tangible or real item or service in return im buying an item that does a service for me#you are donating that is a different type of transaction. u are essentially burning money on ur end for the sake of something else#that is where your standpoint should be coming from dont try to flip it like its anything else lol#people are questioning your donation not your transaction#you cant even compare it to a 'useless' purchase bc like say youre poor and struggling. youre not gonna donate to charity to feel better#ur gonna buy some small stupid toy or snack etc to pull you through the hard times rather than sending money where u never see it again#anyway whatever its stupid and im nitpicking its a false equivalency and seeing people tryna like gotcha everyone by using it#just makes them look stupid good night#the gamer speaks uwu
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losing the idgaf war
#kommento#// playing spltoon flopping at every level and dying yelling TAKE MEEE take my brain and cradle it nicely take me into your care#// successfully fading into obscurity because im not necessarily popular nd slandering my own name further so it's smeared in history books#// and my legacy dies an untimely death if I ever had one and leave nothing behind and this gas station dissappears into the fog#// that I couldn't be the one in people's mouths when they think about this One Guy that I was no competition to anyone else#// in this so-called 'community' that was so hostile and volatile to me because I had standards and I projected too hard for my own good#// not that ive been badgered or hurt or maimed or anything i dont think i would even still be in this hellhole if that ever were the case#// but im in this specific pocket of fndom are full of freaks and i want to appease most of them and make a name for myself#// —ambitious i know— majority of these people ARE freaks and so the people who are popular ARE freak themselves#// so techincally im trying to appeal to three people but i want more when it's technically not possible#// and im a little bitch so i hate the turnout ?? this is why i'll never be satisfied in here but ive been still kicking crying and going#// i wish i wasnt a hater i wish the things i dont want to see werent so physically revolting that my heart sinks and i see red#// i wish it was a more minor thing where im a hater for about 50% of it and i can Easily Dismiss it#// than hatership being a part of my personality#// that I've earned so little and lost so much but everyone and everything that I've loved is so genuine and real and too much#// that the stakes of doing something is so high like it's gambling itself that I'm not too sure I'm satisfied with my time here#// despite all the things I believed were good that's happened already#// that if I leave right now on the fickle decisiveness of the squirrel in my brain there would be things on this figurative bucket list I#// never have accomplished and I'm not too sure I can come back to do it because of my home that looks like war trenches itself#// all this time and love I've put into this world and I'm stubborn and selfish enough to believe I have not received what I am due#// and that this love and dedication was never received by enough people as I perceive#// sorry for being a baby's first but my time here in this pit of hell has been th absolute worst and most horrid of other fndoms I've been#// and while I practice the inherent belief I am the scum of the earth and the worst person alive#// and that I leave the things I love so much behind with wordless and meaningless abandonment#// I've made so much and shared so much that enough of my love was perceived by others and that#// I've at least left myself some things behind even if it has never reached others the way I humbly wished it to#// lmao like I'm writing an overly dramatic resignation letter and I leave it front desk and when I exit the building it#// either completely disappears behind me or keeps standing but stay unmaintained for the duration I'm gone#// people could still come and go or I could make it disappear myself. I think I've done a good job at making it easy to do that#// sorry for being dramatic ? idk how to give closure on this if the time ever comes or if this Is The Closure
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guttural wail. not to complain but onset dysphoria caused by having to look at my own face to be able to finish a commission. this is what i dreaded.
#this sucks man#its so hard to look at myself sometimes yk#i know i look better its just i see everything weird idk#yk? idk#i hate lookin at myself it sucks. i dont wanna hate my appearance i just shy away from it a lot#i look like my dad too which fucking. UGHHJ#..#its. a mixed bag here#i still like my appearance but it can be very hard to look away once i start looking. i notice things no one else would notice#LIKE WHYS MY NOSTRILS SO BIG DUDE#FUCK OOOOOOOOOOOOFFF
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girls when logistics....
#i feel the need to plan out everything i do each day bc like. since im not in my element.. at all here. i plan exsessively so that i don't#combust internally from Situations and rn im planning a trip and im just hhhhhh... sage embrace spontaneity.... but like. its hard when ur#in a place you dont know and dont speak the language.. i have too much shame. i dont want to be That foreigner yk... hhhh#also for some reason meals are usually the most stressful part of the day bc i hate.. speaking... i feel like such an idiot if i say smth#wrong.. like ik its fine but it makes me so!!! god#but like... my worst fays usually happen when i dont have a plan so i just.. yk. fear. so i try to plan everything out so if all else fails#i have smth to rely on..hhh#so far the plan is: waje up. eat at home. bring snacks. go to class. make my 2 hr journey to my hotel. check in. get smth to eat near by.#catch a bus to jiufen. do all my shopping that night. head back once ive looked around#then enjoy that night. get some food and alcohol. and then saturday. play it by ear depending on the weather. probably go to that tea house#look around take pictures. head back and relax and do one last look around on sunday then head home. like 3pm. eat pasta at home for dinner#yep.. thats the plan. i was gonna go to houdong too if my whim and the weather alows for it#but if not. its ok. the weather is. rlly bad
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.
#jazzy talks#delete later#hahahhahha who would have thought that avoiding going to a therapist for years would suddenly make it#extrmeley difficult for you to go back to a therapst hey#how does one even do therapy i dont remember#like hi hello nice to meet you i dont even know whats wrong with me half the time but sometimes i go mute and i think i have autism and#and ive been having a gender crisis for about three years also i want to date girls but dont want to talk to people#and i dont know if i actually had a crush on someone who lives on the other side of the world of if im just that lonely that ill make up#feelings but also every day that goes by when i dont speak to them i feel strange like not sad but i just want to talk to them#or anyone but also i dont want to talk to anyone lol how does tjat work#and i sort of hate my job but i sort of love it sometimes and im way too scared of change to move schools but i dont think#i can survive another year and a half at this school#also someone i havent seen in a few years told me yesterday that i look like ive lost weight which i have#but i drink like an australian and ive started snacking constantly again and i know that's going to reserve everything i worked so hard for#and i am self aware enough to know this yet i cant seem to stop lol#im moving out with my sister and her bf in a few months and idk if thats just going to make me realise even more how lonely i am#with my three and a half irl friends who never make the time to see me#who all tapped out of my birthday party bc they were tired or busy or whatever#when my sister and her bf want to do things without me i feel sad except thafs their relationship not mine#so instead i live on tumblr and photoshop and do badically nothing else for days in a row until the two of them want to do smth with me#im not improving in one of my dance classes and want to drop out of that class#and the dance class i teach is horible sometimes and also makes me want to stop taking them#i work at least an extra working day every single week if not more which is basivally seven days a week#and i want to use my money to travel and do things but the idea of taking that much time off work makes me feel#almost as anxious as actually going to work every day#i want to call my friends but i cant#i want to text my mutuals but i cant#i want to go to sleep but i cant stop thinking about whats going to happen tomorrow#where does the part come where you actually start living instead of just getting through the day bc its been like this for too many years#and i am just tired of it. i am so tired of it yet im going to do exactly nothing to fix it. sigh.
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i wanna believe my life will be ok one day
#the bin#things have changed a lot over the last few years but not for the better really#i just feel even more distant and unable to connect with other people than i used to#i wasnt able to develop social skills and now im an adult stuck trying to figure things out#i wanna think things will get better but i have a lot of doubts :(#i guess there have veen some good things that havw changed. ill be moving back in with family but in a new place than before#and i wont have to deal with my horriblw dad now that he died so that really good#my relationship with my 1 sister crumbling into garbage feels like a bad thing but the relationship was always bad#and i always felt like it was bad. i just couldnt escape because i didnt have anyone else so i was trapped#but im out now. it mwans that im even more alone but it also means im free of her horrible everything#i had a lot of fear about talking to people previously and it had to do with her but i think now maybe ill have an easier time#i wanna believe thats true. i wanna think maybe this change will be enough to push me into making feiends somwhow#i hate feeling the way i do. loneliness is physically painful. i hate that i dont have anyone i can go to anywhere in the world#i like my other siblings. theyre nice. but its different. at least i can complain to my other older sister and mom mom abt stuff#hhh. one day tho ill meet friends and be ok. its hard to meet people. i dont know where to go. but onw day i will!!!#i hope its soon and not in another several years but yknow. ill wait. at least now i have something that makes me feel less awful#i find it surprising im even still alive after almost 9 years of this. i was 10 when i lost all my friends and im about to turn 19#but ill figure it out. at least i have weed now. maybe i get high too often and rely on it too much but its either that or feel suicidal#100% of the time. i mych prefer getting high to that.#it feels bad when i look atound and literally everyone else i know has lots of close friends. they make them so easily#and then im here and i cant even make 1 not close friend. but ill figure it out!!!!!
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Anxiety makes enjoying good things so hard
#ignore me#my life has been too good lately and I'm starring to go insane from everything working#i hate myself so much#I've been trying ao be more social and be a good mom and be someone that my daughter can look up to and my husband can love#but it always ends up with me hating myself so fucking much#I've been eating too many sweets which already is setting a bad example qhen it comes to a healthy diet and my media consumption has been#worse lately and my anxiety is now making me unabke to sleep and I've stopped going on daily walks cause the pain is back#it was so nice not having it around for a while and it is makibg everything so much harder#the sleep makes me more irritable and i feel like all i do is fail my baby#my husbans said he doesnt feel loved by me anymore and I've been trying so hard to manage household baby and everything else but its not#enough i always feel like I'm never enough#I've been a horrible friend like always so i guess that is a constant thing in my life#as if that isnt the worst when my mental health gets worse i start getting flashbacks to remind me of everything that went wrong with me#and that just fuels my anxiety around my daughter living through everything i did as a child and i just cant do this#i just wish i could sleeo again#i think all of this is sleep deprivation but i don't know how to do everything without losing sleep or something#i just wanna rest and sleep for more then four hours without veing woken up#god what i would give for eight hours of continuous sleep#but my husbands shifts are so shit that i cant do that to him... also now that I'm at home he's the only one working and I'm terrified of#loosing him so i dont want him to be at work without sleeping well cause it could actually kill him#worst of all I'm just too stupid to ask for help or bother anyone with my stupid problems#and every time I'm away from her she just screams and i just can't take her screams anyo#anymore#i just want to pee and ahit and eat in peace
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Actually everything has been too complicated and now that the sun is out I've decided that everything is actually easier than I thought and nothing has to hurt me unless I let it
#drinking coffee and smoking in the sun after a decent day of work#i got to work ot this weekend and do a tough job and the day after i hiked w my mom and ran along the beach w the dog#the longer i keep myself away from the narrative the more further removed and at peace i feel#although sometimes its somewhat distrupted when i see them but i reel it back in real quick#it just feels good to know that i dont have to let anyone in and that i have my people and thats all i need#im goung to carry myself the rest of the way through like i always have#and i dont need anyone elses validation#things will come to me when im ready and its right#if i dont want someone to hurt me then i simply dont have to allow them to hurt me#and if i hurt them then oh well. i need to protect my peace and my self esteem#i have things that i would like to work out but i need to accept that everything i want to have happen i cant make happen#ive been through too much and worked too hard and loved too hard and learned too much to let things like this touch me anymore#my self perception cannot hinge on anyone anymore because only i know what ive done and seen and felt and thought in every momemt of my lif#and how i look is not a solid descripter of all the aspects of me#it is not the bulk of my humanity it is hardly a grain of sand#im not angry or sad im just indifferent and ready for something better and healthier and more secure#and the things and people that i can have by relying on my looks do not hold much value anyways#besides. i am pretty. and im healthy and im good w my money and i laugh w my belly and i know a fuck of a lot more than i ever thought#and ive done more than i ever anticipated#i have a lot of things to be so okay with that i shouldnt even have to think about it#and the fact that i ever do is a luxary not given to the bulk of humanity#ive had the privledge to love many times and learn the lessons that accompany losing#and the privilege to make my own decisions and have my own priorities#i have the time and money to worry about frivolous things just like ive had the same to experience some really cool things#i am full of energy and opportunity and love and i get to decide when and where i want to direct that#if i direct it in a place that leave me feeling sad and empty and confused i can put my focus elsewhere unless i deem it worthy enough to#work at#and when ive poured too much in and got too little back ill know to reframe things#its not that complicated and its not that messy#it just is whatever i make it out to be and im tired of making everything out to be more and allow it to define me
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ive gotten well damnginto this song
#if its meant to happen it'll#happy anyway#im just two days into college and im three lectures behind. theres this guy lets name him colin he says he wants to be mine. but it doesnt#really sit with me quite right cause he doesnt really like the things i likeand i keep accidentally locking myself outta my dorm in the#middle of the night. i wake up kinda wired and i wake up kinda cold and i wake up kinda tired but i'll just sleep in when im old. see i don#like breaking rules but dont like doing as im told so i just float around and hope my life unfolds. everybodys tellin me that im doing so#well i try to believe them honestly i kinda find it hard to tell. if i need work or i need rest to try my best to try my best to tell mysel#i say out loud “its fine i'll figure it all out”#i tend to forget. im only still quite young. in a way this life of mine has only just begun ive got time. ive got time. im two days into#college with a busy; busy mind. that guy that we named colin he's so handsome hes so kind. my friends tell me im crazy that i'll take it wa#too far. cause i told him that its over because he doesnt play guitar. im only two days into college and my bedroom is a mess#theres just so much that i want to do that i have not done yet. theres just so much want i say but far too little breath#on my mind it runs so far away its easy to forget. that to everybody else it looks like im doing so well. i try to see it honestly i find i#hard to tell. if ive done wrong or ive done right. i need a goodnight's sleep tonight. they say “go out” i said “alright”#i think i wont i maybe might i probably should just take it slow. i'll be good but god i know. the one thing that's important above#everything else: is to learn not to put all this heavy pressure on myself. i try to believe it when i say i'll be fine. ive got time. ive g#two days into college#yes i typed all that hehe#cheryap#Spotify
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