well met, my sweet tumblr babies 🖤 thank you for your patience as i have been slow to respond, reply & reblog. losing mina set me down a dark depression hole but also, my pain spiked a few days ago & it is v fucking distracting. my average pain level is around a 7, at times 8 but, we are well into 9. i feel like my bones are corroding, my joints are on fire & like the majority of my muscle strength fucked off. my eyes are burning extra & it hurts a lot to cry. for those who don't know, i suffer from scleroderma, arthritis, ehlers-danlos, pcos, fibromyalgia as a result of the sclero & i get to have ptsd, depression, adhd AND autism on top of that *lazily throws confetti*

i am trying to take care of myself but can only do v small amounts at a time. if any of you beautiful lot are able to help this week primarily with food, meds & other groceries, i would be incredibly grateful. please do not help if you cannot afford to; i appreciate the want to either way 🤗 hopefully after the next few days, i have a bit of relief & can get back to attempting to be sexy 💋

cashapp: $dryboneslive / venmo: dryboneslive

paypal: message for email

luv, cuddles & cauldron bubbles, the ghost queen 👻

see the thing about Astarion to me is I don't actually think he has a clue who he actually is beneath all of the everything he's got going on. he's got impulses, he's got drive, a will to live, he's got desires and amusements and cravings, but an actual selfhood?? no. there's a blue error screen where the person of him should be, the person -- whoever that was, I'm personally of the mind he likely wasn't good then either, but we'll see where the story takes us -- before Cazador. the man in front of us today is this mishmash of interior delight at freedom and sunlight but also capable of true unapologetic cruelty and willingness to be ugly in a multitude of ways. so he follows the impulse. he follows what intrigues and amuses, and nothing will take that freedom from him again. and he reflects back onto others the violence that was done unto him. a lack of power kept him down? now he wants to accumulate power, so it can never be turned on him again. but he also misses the sun while he's underground. he's mean and desperate and ruthless and it's interesting because he's unapologetic about it, he's unflinching about it. he's vindictive and mean and desperately floundering around throwing stuff at a wall to see what sticks in terms of personhood because who is he now. 200 years of horrific servitude and now he's just out and about and he's in the mud.

and he can be horrible. and yet when you take the routes of prying open the faaairly shallow veneer he has of smug and snark and snappiness, he'll give you pieces of the raw and the desperate -- "I want to know what the world sees when it looks at me. what you see." is a line you only get if you're earnest with him. any other path in the dialogue will have him continue the shallow persona you've come to know. and in all of that I think nothing is "this is real, this is an act," set in stone because I just don't think he even knows, I don't think he has a CLUE what's his and what's the protective measures and what's the real delight and what's the cruel mockery of his surroundings and what he's willing to give vs what he needs to hide vs what he lets slip out on accident. the inconsistencies in his own ideas and what he says and what he does. I think most everything about him is in a weird place of deeply uncertain. is it a lie? is it a glimmer of truth? for me, I like to interpret him in this weird menagerie of half-truths and shallow lies and omissions, because we've only known him a short while and maybe also he doesn't even know the answer yet. who is he? fuck if HE knows. anyways. smash.

I remember getting nosebleeds every so often last year and it always freaked people out and the only thing I could do was laugh it off while I put a bunch of napkins of some ice cream place to my nose so I absolutely relate Machete in that nosebleed comic

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It was Anthy all along; it was always her.

So I was picking raspberries and listening to another Utena rewatch/analysis podcast this morning (as one does), and had a revelation that blew my mind, something I hadn't put the pieces together before...

(spoilers below the cut because there's no way to talk about it without talking about all of it)

So they were reading the opening fairy tale on the podcast, the prince giving the ring to Utena, and this is what came to me:

We've always known that the prince is an illusion. Whatever Dios was, or represents, by the time they could meet Utena in childhood (in whatever sense time exists), there is no person there. To the extent that real things exist outside of Ohtori, I'd always read this as a projection of Akio, a facade of princeliness he puts on while trying to find another person who might be able to win his dueling game for him. After all, he's the one who claims to be a prince, to have been a prince, wanting to reclaim the power of Dios. He is the prince that Touga and Saionji knew, when they biked together to the church and saw Utena hiding in a coffin.

But we also know that who Utena saw in the church was Anthy, a little girl, hurting, that she couldn't help but reach out to.

And why should Akio be there? He has his world in Ohtori that he can't imagine leaving. He sends Anthy to do his work for him, borrowing the power of the Rose Bride since he no longer has the power of the Prince. We know Anthy goes into the world (as Miki and Kozue's new stepmother). We know Anthy is an illusion (you know *hand gestures at everything*, but also specifically Mamiya). Why shouldn't Utena have seen a shining eternal thing, a miracle, the power to revolutionize the world, and remember it as a prince? Why shouldn't she have accepted a ring from the Rose Bride, a promise that if she remains noble and true that they will meet again, and decide that she will be the prince for this bride herself?

And was it a good idea? To follow an illusion that doesn't exist? To be manipulated into a game she can't win? (To reach out a hand to someone caught in a trap?)

Dios has always been Anthy, for Utena.

I love being someone's science experiment

"tim needs to get a new mantle he didnt steal from his siblings" wrong. Say hello to the new huntress

i just want people to know that just because your content doesn’t get many notes, doesn’t mean it isn’t worthwhile. there is someone out there, a living breathing human being, who appreciates it, whose day it made that little bit brighter, and who admires what you do. nothing is a ‘flop’ if it made one person happy.

one art thing that keeps making me want to pull my hair out is when ppl post a drawing and immediately call it bad/mention its flaws in the caption. whatever you think you're doing with that i can assure you it's not working

Look. Look.

I need to get it out of my system, okay? I just need to. Immediately

Himmel + cheer up tickles

The reason?

I rest my case. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk I am slowing descending into madness here

In regards to Cia in a lot of the LU fanon space (aka fics and headcanons), I feel like she's being portrayed far worse than she actually is in Hyrule Warriors. I do think that Wars would have a lot of trauma regarding her considering she's the whole reason a war was started in his name. I do also think that starting said war is pretty bad. But I don't think she really deserves the black-and-white viewpoint most people have of her, it undermines the (attempted - it was a bad and rushed attempt but an intentional attempt nonetheless) redemption of her character arc. I say this as someone who owns the game and has combed through it for hours to attempt to rewrite that bullshit game.

But I think a lot of people are missing the part where Cia actually had control over her one-sided love for centuries as she only watched each hero and never interacted, but it was when Ganondorf came in and corrupted her that she started the war. She was under Ganondorf's influence throughout most of the game, even when she defected from him and attempted to gain the Triforce. She eventually made attempts to redeem herself after becoming free of Ganondorf due to Lana. There's also an element that Cia herself was exploited for Ganondorf's own power fantasies, it was likely that he manipulated or even told her to go to such extremes as making a war to get the Triforce and just used Cia's quiet yearning as a motive.

As dogshit as Hyrule Warriors is as a game and story, I think the idea that Lana is this perfect good is a great foil to Cia's unwavering evil, both forced to these extremes because of Ganondorf, who then regained their humanity once Cia finally broke free of him, though is more subtle in Lana is actually expressed kinda well compared to the rest of the wonkiness of the game. I think there's something to be said about Cia treatment as a antagonist compared to others like say Shadow, the way they're treated as being redeemed villains who were manipulated by Ganondorf for his own gains is vastly different across the fandom. Idk if there's a reason but it feels so distinct and I can't answer why.

This isn't to say that I don't think Wars would have a lot of issues surrounding what happened, its quite obvious he would have a lot of relationship problems on top of everything going on about the war. Its more a ramble about how people portray Cia post-HW/during LU. I myself don't understand how it happened, but as a DLC that was added for free in the Definitive Edition, Cia was revived and re-evilised, so yes she is technically alive still. I don't blame people for thinking she's some mega evil seductress that wants to capture the hearts of all the Chain, she seems very one-sided as a character at first without either getting the game and playing through yourself or skimming every website about the game (which is surprisingly few compared to its Age of Calamity counterpart - which also has its issues) and analysing the very misleading text in wiki pages and reviews. But no, she's not portrayed as a rapist (wtf literally where in the game is it even implied) nor is her character shown to be a pedophile (each hero she has been shown to fawn over are very explicitly the adult heroes).

I'm fine with headcanons, but the kind of stuff I see passed around in LU fanon is basically character assassination. It's kind of sad to see Cia just absolutely obliterated. I'm fine with some of the tamer headcanons, but some of the aforementioned like her being a rapist or a pedophile is so gross to me (and yes I've seen both multiple times in many more words to try to soften the blow of the writer/headcanoner's implications). I don't really like her character myself but I feel like I've analysed her and reworked her and picked apart her character too much to even consider humouring these kinds of ideas. Saying things like she's hypersexual or playing into her seductress image and appearance is fine because it's almost canon, I'll even agree with people calling her a stalker because she definitely was one during the war, but saying anything close to her committing anything more extreme is just not it for me.

Max on racing: “I don’t know, I definitely want to try and get back into it. It’s a tough thing to get the ball rolling again, if you really know motorsports well. It’s a brutal world. But yeah, I definitely want to do that again because as time goes on I’m definitely missing it more, like for sure. Like the biggest thing adjusting from the racing was having that purpose. Because it was the only thing I ever knew what to do, you know. Like since I was 9 years old, I was racing every month and I felt like that was my purpose in life you know, to race. That was what I did. So like when I stopped it was like a big shock to the system. Okay, I was really happy to not race because it was a really tough year and I was just like “I need to get out of this space for a bit” but now I miss it again.”

something something kayn's mentality of having to be flawless because his sense of self worth is tied to what he can do and how good at it he is and irelia's mentality of having to be flawless because that's what people expect of her she cannot disappoint the failure is not an option mentality they share

your tags on parenting make me super emotional <3 that's exactly the kind of parent I want to be one day

Thanks! I feel the same way honestly. I have a lot of opinions about parenting and I can't say that I will be the perfect parent because that doesn't exist. I can't even say that my hypothetical future kid/kids will be perfect because children don't grow in a vacuum. I can only control what I do and say and try to be the best version of myself and hope for the best.

> tell my boss i have a second job and can't work morning shifts anymore

> "oh that's okay, i'll schedule you for nights only!"

> check schedule

> 2 morning shifts

Fuck it, weird-yet-galaxy-brain take is that Love Is War is rom-com Death Note, but not in regard to the ship that everyone thinks, and what I mean by this is that Kaguya and Miyuki are NOT the lighthearted lower-stakes rom-com version of Light and L, they're the lighthearted lower-stakes rom-com version of Near and Mello.

i am desperately trying to be more active but i'm experiencing mental burnout. just want to say thank you for the interactions even when i'm only checking in here now and again - i'll respond when i'm feeling better! <3