So after a crapton of various not great things happeming in the last few days, i've essentially had a mental shutdown and in short i am not okay

I am mentally and physically exhausted and i just don't have the energy to do anything Just Dance related atm

I might ocassionally lurk on here but i won't be posting/talking/writing anything in the fandom for a little while

This is just temporary but necessary

True. 🖤

[repost. originally posted on my Instagram in February 2022]

I need to take dirty photos again I miss it so much 🥺

Inktober day 12 forget

Don't forget about me okay 🥺

on principle opposed to describing art i dislike as 'masturbatory' because even though it's an alluringly contemptuous word to sneer it's impossible to reconcile with my pro-masturbation stance

Looking at interview follow-up email templates like girl you talking too much even for ME. literally say less

it's so funny to me how qsmp fans who haven't watched dsmp will be like "but why is qwilbur important to qquackity like at all?? they've barely interacted and their ccs don't talk much" You Fool. these two are obsessed with roleplaying the most homerotic shit you have ever seen. you were not there in the tntduo trenches. Niki's birthday party. the Las Nevadas arc. the Wilburger Ranvan. Hitting on 16. you beautiful naive creature. ccquackity dropped everything to start stream and log onto purgatory just for the slightest possibility that it really was wilbur and he would be able to roleplay some weird gay shit. wilbur went into phil's donos to say "tell him being needy isn't attractive" knowing damn well quackity would see it and pretend to be bitter and sad about it. they are committed to the bit always and the bit is acting toxic and gay with each other, and that extends to every single character they have played and ever will play in close proximity with each other. of course qwilbur is important to qquackity because they need to act like a toxic divorced couple or they will die

(random s5 finale musings) tbh I don't think Marinette chose to keep The Secrets™ from Adrien because Gabriel asked her to. I feel like Marinette keeping secrets like that is so consistent with her character; she hates giving people bad news, she hates rocking the boat, she hates upsetting people, she always chooses to keep any 'controversial' information to herself for as long as she can get away with (examples: bubbler scarf, telling Queen Bee she was benched, confessing to Adrien, warning Chat Noir about Scarabella or Rena Furtive, never told Chat Noir about Chat Blanc, etc) that I just totally believe she would've done it either way. She was even already having nightmares about Adrien hating her for finding out she defeated his father, so I feel like Gabriel's request was moreso giving her a go-ahead than it was a primary deciding factor, yknow?

i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.

and that should be fine; but it's never fine.

i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.

for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.

we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.

i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.

restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.

another hot take but i really don't think tommy's "my attention?" was him thinking buck has feelings for eddie. tommy thinks buck was jealous that he was getting excluded from the friend group, because he comes to clear the air about causing bad blood and even says "[eddie] can have more than one friend." tommy doesn't fully realize what's really going on until buck says "... 'cause trying to get your attention has been exhausting," and it dawns on him that buck's jealousy wasn't about getting excluded from eddie and tommy's friendship but about eddie jeopardizing tommy's time (additionally, buck's "i guess" isn't meant to be noncommittal; he's realizing in the moment that it's true, that it really was about tommy. the way he says it feels like it's a revelation to even him). remember, buck reached out to tommy at some point prior to the events of 7x04 for the tour, but was never actually interested in leaving the 118. it was absolutely a ploy to get closer to tommy. but eddie interrupts them and pulls tommy away from buck, and buck spirals. the main issue is that buck has no idea what his feelings are doing, so he latches on to the most likely explanation to him (with further context clues that indicate that's not what it's really about) until that moment between buck and tommy in the loft. basically buck's got a crush he doesn't know how to deal with so he makes it everybody's problem.

It's alright

30 second timelapse:

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[repost. originally posted on my Instagram in February 2022]

the kind of chemistry these two have is very entertaining