Exit anything that makes you feel like you're not enough.

Saia de qualquer coisa que faça você sentir que não é suficiente.

Just stop holding on

oh hey i have no followers here, might as well vent as i please lmao

i usually have no clue how to write out my venting so this is just gonna sound like a rambling mess but oh well. i feel like my depression (or whatever i have, i’m not professionally diagnosed so i’m not sure) went from me being Sad On Main all the time to me being ??????? On Main all the time. like you know how when somebody doesn’t really feel sad or happy or angry or anything at the moment and you ask them how they’re doing they just say they’re fine? well it’s kind of like that for me except “fine” doesn’t really feel like the right word since i still feel weird and i can’t describe this feeling? i can’t even tell if it’s a positive or negative emotion it’s just weird. for the past few months i’ve noticed i’ve become more indifferent about things and i’ve started to put off stuff and procrastinate a lot more than usual. like at first it was just with studying and i thought “oh this just me being a lazy bastard it’s normal” but then i started putting off things i normally love doing like drawing my OCs and playing games and stuff like that so idk if it’s still normal to lose interest in stuff that i enjoy like that. i mean who knows, maybe it is normal and me being the socially awkward shut-in that i am, just don’t know how human beings typically function. another thing i noticed i’ve been doing is forgetting stuff that happened. i can’t remember what i did last year, or last month, or last week, or yesterday, and i barely remember what i did today. it’s like this huge blur now. and like i’ve tried speaking to a counsler but honestly i don’t think she’s ...suitable?? i just don’t know what word to use. as a person, she’s nice and all, but as a counsler/therapist/whatever, it’s kinda debatable. at some point she asked me what is it that i want her to help me with, and i was like “i just wanna know what is it that i have that’s just ruining my day constantly. is depressiong? is it autism?-” and then she cuts me off saying that there’s no way i could be autistic despite the fact that we barely talked. she said that apparently she can tell when someone is autistic as soon as she speaks to them and i was so confused by what she meant. and then said “autistic people usually don’t make it to uni” (i’m in my first year of uni btw) which ????? sounds kinda generalizing and a bit, you know, wrong? but again, i’m a socially awkward shut-in so i couldn’t say anything to her. but yeah! i’m an absolute mess right now yeehaw

The Nightmare

Rating: Mature

Archive Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence and Rape/Non-Con

Categories: F/M, Gen, M/M and Other

Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender

Relationships: Hunk (Voltron)/You and Lance (Sibling)

Characters: Reader, Male Reader, Gender Neutral Reader - Character, Lance (Voltron), Hunk (Voltron), Keith (Voltron), Shiro (Voltron) andLance's Family (Voltron)

Additional Tags:

Angst, Kidnapping, Family, Hunk is your Husband, Reader-Insert, Lance is your brother, Alternate Reality, reality Check, Fear, Fear of Death, Pain, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Death, Coma, Not real, Emotional Roller Coaster, Depressing, personal, Original Story - Freeform and One Shot

Language: English

Published: 2017-05-01

Words: 4130

Chapters: 1/1

Read here

Not related to anything in my blog but I need to tell you all of this.

After hearing one of my most loved bias, Kim Jong Hyun from Shinee, turned to suicide I was shocked and still can't believe its true until the news came out and cried, not a hysterical one but one who's calm and mourning for it, for someone who's looking outgoing and friendly on the outside is really suffering on the inside, I last saw him in a concert with other groups.

After reading the note that KBS World published that his friend passed along for the knowledge of others hit me. It really touched my heart, feelings and everything. Everyone should be aware of this mental illness and help their close friends, love ones, and family to help them get through this.

I have depressiong and under here is a little bit of my attitude towards this issue, how I became one and how I might have surpass it in a way and it might be unclear to some point but I wish I really convey it in a concise manner. Its somewhat related to it and a postive view.

I've also been thinking of ending my life due to many family expectation, emotional instability, and being degraded because of my body figure and career path.

I've always been thinking like this, ending my life, with so many ways in this past 7 years and I'm still standing right now thinking of what to do next with despair at my left, overwhelming sadness at my right, and overgrown darkness pushing me to end my life.

In the first year everything are a tiny speck little to care about just choosing which path I should follow but then it grew, grew massive, my parents expects me to do what they want and saying its for my own good but all they do is lash me out telling to me that all the things I'm doing are wrong without taking one look to what it means, an achievement that I've gained myself, that resulting for me to get a blade and attempt to slit my wrist where I'll slowly die. But I didn't do it thinking that they maybe right and just do follow them.

On my second year starting out college with a course they want an unsure path that I am willing to take as a sign of my gratitude towards them but as I pursue it along the way it became clear to me that it is not for me. Any sign of my perseverance to pursue it didn't show, sleepless nights of studying and written reviewers wasted and I still failed, failed to pass those exam, failed to make them proud. Then they compare me to my siblings, one year, ten years, and sixteen years age gap, with a big academic difference that they are far greater than me, far more smarter than me, and your most proud to them than me. And it came to that point again but different, being run by a speeding car while crossing the road. I'm already by the road but I failed again thinking that maybe this is not for me and maybe with a different path I can make them proud. I continue with life thinking positively that it is not my time but in the future I will.

From my third to sixth years I finished college with good grades but still not good enough to make them proud for me they're just relived that I finished my studies, one less kid to send to school, one kid to provide us some dough. Its a path that I've chosen for myself that I like and they see no future for it. But them saying that I did so many things to strengthen myself physically and mentally. I didn't do anything to harm myself, my despair, darkness, and sadness became stagnant as I became happy for the first time in my lifetime.

But on the fifth year something unexpected happen. A close friend, a close to sibling, died unexpectedly. We were planning on meeting up on a weekday or weekend so that I can treat her out to lunch or snack or a birthday treat. I broke down because she's a friend and sister to me it felt that I followed her footsteps. But I didn't think of anything but sadness and positivity that this maybe happened and she expected it. She wants me to be strong. A strong woman who can face anything that is in my way.

As those four years my friends helped me to continue with life and not thinking of anything negative and just have fun with the flow of life and my only worries are school activities that are fun and intellectual.

The seventh year, the real world drawn upon me. I need to have a job. I NEED TO HAVE JOB. That's what they always slapped at me. They don't know how hard it is to search for one, I'm freshie in the real word with no work experience that employers acquire to have with their applicants, only a few no not a few but little companies accepts fresh from college people. Then an unexpected thing happen. My most loved grandma suddenly died, the one that provided the most support and most loved me despite my crappy attitude and the one who always join me in shopping, movies, and others. My grandma was the one who is always by side who I always approach with my problems. I really love her I didn't tell yet but I always show it to her. After a month or two it hits me, my stagnant darkness awakened, pushing me to kill myself again with starvation, detachment, the blade, and being hit by the car.

All attempts failed as it crossed my mind. Failed then came a chance. I got a job, my very first job! Excited I already thought things thru and will last the company long enough to help providing for my little siblings but it came to a halt.

3 months after I was fired. Yes fired, my boss fired me in a calm matter and still encourage me to search a much suitable job as the one that I applied to them didn't match me. It saddened my whole self from self-esteem to my undiscovered talent. I was happy with my job there just having a hard time as nobody helps me they just encourage me that I can do it, that I can finish everything that was assigned to me, that its not that hard especially if you understand it. I understand it! I did follow the protocol! I did my best!

Fired immediately I went home. The buses was full and the road is busy that I can jump any time to die. I can anytime jump and die in an instant. I can die. I can die.

Then I remembered a dream. A dream that I feel that I'm happy and I'm with my grandma and some others that I can't recall. I think that she shown herself to me after 4 months to encourge me also that it is not the end so don't give up.

Right now as of the moment I'm jobless. Still searching for my path in life.

Then there's my body figure. I am fat. You may call it chubby but still fat a big woman and pairing it with a short height of almost just 4 feet or 5 feet tall with a waistline of almost inconsistent 40 inches. I was always being shouted that why won't you exercise or do something usefull for that fat body of yours. I cannot accept that they can't accept it they always bad mouth me because of my size that it affects how i think of myself. I always to myself that I'm beautiful no matter what but they always contradict it. Gah can't explain it but with a build like this it is an unacceptable part of the society.

Then there's a friend of my a real bestfriend and soul sister. I just found out that she unfriended and blocked me on facebook without any reason which hurts me becuase I didn't do anything for her to act like that then recently she just left our group chat. We were all shock by that but if that what makes her happy i'll let her for the time being.

Right now I'm not attempting to end my life. Life may be a bitch but its a bitch to make us stronger. All those obstacles like suicide, etc. is a test for us to get stronger. Body size doesn't matter, if you like it own it don't let others get to you. But if you want to slim down its fine but don't be eaten up by what society says to you.

That's all. Always love your self and have your friend close. And go talk to your confidant it might lessen the burden your feeling and may that person enlighten your problems.

Love you all and love yourselves. ♥♥♥