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whims-of-a-star · 5 months

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Grief

Grief never comes slowly, never a trickle of water from a leaking roof.

It comes like a broken dam, a tsunami, a hurricane, and it destroys every foundation you’ve built yourself on.

Sam’s grief usually comes in the form of anger, of revenge, of retribution. Revenge for Jess, for the innocence he’d wanted to keep nestled close to himself, for the normal life he’d wanted and never got.

His grief also comes in the form of guilt, of self-loathing. Hating himself for not being strong enough to save her, for not telling her about the unseen dangers of the world, for being unclean.

Anger and guilt. Retribution and self-loathing. A dangerous cocktail that becomes self-destructive when Dean is dragged down to hell.

He’s at his lowest and stays there for a long time even when Dean miraculously comes back from the dead months later. Even when he tries to return to some semblance of the normalcy from before, he’s changed too much. They’ve changed too much.

(Sometimes it feels like he’s sitting next to a stranger in the Impala, decades older than he looks. Sometimes he feels like he himself is the stranger.)

No longer the ‘Sammy’ Dean loved and protected back then. Now he’s something to be watched. Like he’s dangerous.

And he is. Should be. Dangerous enough to protect his brother, Bobby, everyone he cares about from the real monsters that lurk in the dark. From Lilith, who’d taken away his brother.

Even if that meant getting in fights with Dean. Even if that meant being called a monster, something to hunt.

Even if…

“You're not you anymore. And there’s no going back.”

He saves the voicemail and tucks his phone away, determined to finish his mission through even when a sense of emptiness fills his bones.

(Sam grieves the person he’d been before in Dean’s eyes, the hopeful little brother that could do no wrong. Someone to protect, to love.)

><><><

Dean’s grief comes in the form of emptiness, of an abyss so large and deep almost nothing can fill it. Parts of his soul chipped away. What can heal those wounds is not women, not booze, only…Sam. His brother. His purpose.

From the moment John Winchester had settled Sam into his arms all those years ago, Dean’s little brother had become a part of his existence.

Take care of Sammy.

So when Sam dies at Cold Oak, Dean is empty, grieving. No amount of alcohol swiped from Bobby’s stash can fill the void in his soul. Failure haunts him, blaring in his face, and nothing can heal him because Sam is gone.

Then Sam is resurrected only days later and Dean is once more complete, content despite his sealed future.

Emptiness. Purpose. Perhaps it’s unhealthy, this dependence on his brother, this all-consuming love that drives him to do whatever it takes to keep his brother safe, regardless of the consequences.

Sam is all he can think about in those forty years in hell. Proof of his bond in the shape of a bronze bull, hanging around his neck even when it shouldn’t be possible.

(He’d been wearing it when he was torn apart. Probably buried with it too.)

He thinks of his brother, wondering if he’s happy without him, screams for him when Alastair carves up his insides. He thinks about him decades later when he’s under Alastair’s tutelage, hanging souls on the rack and bloodying his hands. Wondering what Sam would think if he ever knew about the sins piling up under Dean’s name.

When he’s back topside, he doesn’t tell Sam. Claims to have forgotten hell and the atrocities he’d gone through and committed, of his flayed body, of the desperation driving him to torture other souls, of the way the little bronze necklace was the only thing keeping his sanity barely intact. He tries to pretend he’s still the big brother he’d always been before hell.

Then he notices the changes. The way Sam keeps secrets, the way he’s begun to act like he doesn’t need Dean anymore, the way he’s turning into—

A monster.

Just like big brother.

And Dean’s angry, because he’s supposed to protect Sam, save him from becoming what his big brother’s already become and his words come out harshly, words that are meant to hurt because—

He's seeing himself in Sam. And he hates it.

But at the end of the day, Sam is his brother. No matter what his father had said, Dean cannot bring himself to kill his little brother.

The phone against his ear rings. And rings. And rings, until it goes to voicemail. No matter, he’ll leave a message and maybe Sam will…maybe Sam will forgive him. Forgive him and come back.

(Dean grieves the big brother he’d been, the kind of person who saved people, the kind of person his dad would be proud of. Someone to look up to, to admire.)

#sam & dean #gencest #question mark #unsure whether I got dean right lol #drabbles #kind of an introspection #season 4 spoilers #my interpretation of what was in their heads #at least

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cowboycunt · 2 years

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i think that dean tries sobriety a number of times before it sticks. after cas dies he goes on a real bad bender for weeks and weeks. when he finally comes to, he decides to quit cold turkey. this, of course, doesn’t go well and he starts drinking again shortly. however the idea has been planted. a month later he decides to slowly ween himself off alcohol and it actually goes pretty well. he doesn’t drink for three weeks but then he’s out buying groceries and he’s staring at that bottle of jack and he just needs it. so he buys it. and he drinks it all. from there on out he’s on and off with sobriety for about a year but it never sticks. then one day sam and eileen go out on decide to go out on a salt and burn about thirty minutes out. dean starts drinking shortly after they leave. the room is spinning when he sees eileen has texted him fifty times and it turns out that sam is hurt bad. eileen wanted dean to come and drive them to the hospital but dean just wasn’t there. now sam is in the icu. the doctors say he’ll be fine, but only because of eileen’s quick thinking. this moment jump starts something in dean. he quits cold turkey again. it’s awful and he’s clammy and constantly nauseous but he needs to do it because he wasn’t there for sam when he needed him most. he won’t let eileen help him through the withdrawal because he wants the pain. so he lies on his bed in the dark and just stares at wall for hours on end. he thinks of cas the entire time. even has a few weird fever dreams about him. he’s almost tempted to try and prolong the fever so he can keep seeing cas. but he doesn’t, and it passes. dean hasn’t had a drink for two months now, but at every turn a beer seems to taunt him. it’s not easy, dean doesn’t think it ever will be. but he’s mostly doing it.

#i have many feelings about dean and sobriety yes #anyways i need to do more cas introspection however that just makes me much sadder because that’s more like looking in a mirror #anyways!!!!!#fish.txt

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kerryweaverlesbian · 1 year

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Meg 💖💕❤💕💖💜❤ she's lying this whole episode obviously BUT "at least we're living our own lives and nobody else's" is literally! What she ends up doing later! That's fundamentally Who She Is when she bails on Hell.

#yet another sam character who gets bored of him and gets on the dean train lol (like Gabriel)#sorry dean you're doing some big boy character work and introspection rn however Meg is here #meg supernatural #spn live blog

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josiapowers · 2 months

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tags.

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cowboyhorsegirl · 5 months

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u can see y fans were just ITCHING to have a hot male character to share situations with dean so he’d stop saying that stuff to his brother so much and lo next season lol

truly, like i'm ready to tear my hair out over this after 3 weeks of watching spn. i can't imagine being in these trenches for 3 YEARS

#i like dean /so much/#and he'll have these really moving moments of introspection or character development #and then the literal next scene will be him making a pass at his brother PLEASE I'VE HAD ENOUGH #evwatches #spn #anon #signed sealed delivered

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lovetold · 11 months

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tag drop: off campus + shatter me.

* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTROSPECTION / META ⠀ 、 ⠀ allie hayes. * ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTERACTIONS / ASKS ⠀ 、 ⠀ allie hayes.

* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTROSPECTION / META ⠀ 、 ⠀ dean di laurentis. * ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTERACTIONS / ASKS ⠀ 、 ⠀ dean di laurentis.

* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTROSPECTION / META ⠀ 、 ⠀ hannah wells. * ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTERACTIONS / ASKS ⠀ 、 ⠀ hannah wells.

* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTROSPECTION / META ⠀ 、 ⠀ juliette ferrars. * ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTERACTIONS / ASKS ⠀ 、 ⠀ juliette ferrars.

* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTROSPECTION / META ⠀ 、 ⠀ kenji kishimoto. * ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTERACTIONS / ASKS ⠀ 、 ⠀ kenji kishimoto.

#* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTROSPECTION / META ⠀ 、 ⠀ allie hayes.#* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTERACTIONS / ASKS ⠀ 、 ⠀ allie hayes.#* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTROSPECTION / META ⠀ 、 ⠀ dean di laurentis.#* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTERACTIONS / ASKS ⠀ 、 ⠀ dean di laurentis.#* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTROSPECTION / META ⠀ 、 ⠀ hannah wells.#* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTERACTIONS / ASKS ⠀ 、 ⠀ hannah wells.#* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTROSPECTION / META ⠀ 、 ⠀ juliette ferrars.#* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTERACTIONS / ASKS ⠀ 、 ⠀ juliette ferrars.#* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTROSPECTION / META ⠀ 、 ⠀ kenji kishimoto.#* ⠀ 𓂅 ⠀INTERACTIONS / ASKS ⠀ 、 ⠀ kenji kishimoto.#tags.

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scoobydoodean · 4 months

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Thinking about 4.11 “Family Remains” and how Dean keeps insisting to Brian (the dad) that he will save Brian’s family—that he will put himself at risk for them and he will find Danny.

Eventually, Brian asks Dean straight up why he cares so much—why he's willing to put himself at such risk for them. Dean doesn’t get to answer.

We know from the start of the episode that Dean has been hunting non-stop to cope with his trauma. That's made pretty obvious at the beginning of the episode:

SAM: What are you doing? DEAN: What's it look like I'm doing? SAM: Like you're looking for a job. DEAN: Yahtzee. SAM: We just finished a job like two hours ago. DEAN: Adrenaline's still pumping, I guess. So, what do you think... Cedar Rapids, Tulsa, or Chi-Town? SAM: I am all for working. I really am. But you got us chasing cases nonstop for like a month now. We need sleep. DEAN: Yeah, we can sleep when we're dead. SAM: You're exhausted, Dean. DEAN: I'm good. SAM: No, you're not. You're running on fumes, and you can't run forever. DEAN: And what am I running from? SAM: From what you told me. Or are we pretending that never happened?

We've seen this behavior from Sam before too—Sam pushing back to back hunts in 1.19-1.20 to cope with his anger, and in 2.11 (due to guilt over Ava) and in 2.19 to deal with Madison's death, and in 3.11 to deal with Dean's (temporary) death. We'll see it in the future too—the brothers displaying a need to work to get through something.

So it’s easy to say Dean is simply pushing himself to "be the hero" in 4.11 because of guilt about Hell and leave it at that. I do think Dean believes in atonement (we get hints about this in 4.05), but I think the reason Dean insists on being the person to jump down in the first hole they find instead of Ted, and then insists on going down the second compartment to find Danny when Brian is ready to do it, is also because Dean has a feeling they're going to have to kill this girl, and however scary she may be—however violent—she's also a victim of horrific abuse, and taking a life is always a serious thing. So Dean's trying to spare Brian from that trauma.

Dean doesn’t want Brian to have to take a life and (no matter how justified the kill) feel like a monster. Dean already does feel like a monster (no matter how justified his actions were, no matter how understandable it was because it was born from decades of torture... he still feels and deals with terrible guilt). So Dean takes on the highest risks and puts himself on the front line, upping the chance that if anyone has to do any killing tonight, it'll be him.

Dean does end up killing the boy in the walls in self defense, and the camera focuses on Dean staring at his body as Sam enters, while a sad theme plays in the background, and then we get this look from Dean:

This is the first time in the series that either brother kills a human (besides a demon meatsuit) and a teenager at that, so there's a special weight to it.

But Brian still ends up killing the girl in the walls immediately after this, and that scene is one of the more horrifying ones, because it's shot in a way that casts Brian as the monster lurking in the dark.

Earlier in the episode, we establish the horror of the anticipation of having ones legs grabbed.

DEAN finds a hole in the floor and looks through. TED: You're not going down there. DEAN: Well, do you want to? TED says nothing. DEAN starts down. DEAN: Please nobody grab my leg. Please nobody grab my leg.

And when Brian attacks the girl in the walls, from the perspective of his wife Susan and his daughter Kate, all we see is the girl suddenly get dragged out into the dark by the legs.

Then we focus on Susan and Kate as they listen in terror to the sound of her screaming as she's stabbed over and over and over.

When Brian knocks on the door they jump and scream.

After Susan opens the door for Brian, she backs away from him almost warily.

They see the knife—the blood on his hands and clothes.

Brian saved them, but he's shot as the monster who reaches out and grabs you by the legs. We cast the girl in the walls as a smaller monster (ultimately just a child who can easily be overpowered) snatched up in the jaws of a much bigger fish. All despite the fact that Brian did what he had to do.

SAM: You okay? DEAN: You know, I felt for those sons of bitches back there. Lifelong torture turns you into something like that. SAM: You were in hell, Dean. Look, maybe you did what you did there, but you're not them. They were barely human. DEAN: Yeah, you're right. I wasn't like them. I was worse.

#4.11 #season 4 #pk rewatches spn number ?#i carved you into a new animal #dean and introspection

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i-already-know-im-going-2-hell · 1 month

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I think something that just occured to me is I don't think people realize how like, not normal codependent relationships are, even platonic ones.

Like, if you look at the Winchesters and call them codependent and stop there to explain their weirdness, you're not wrong, but like codependent implies that some natural relationship lines are being crossed.

Maybe they're not sexual, but codependent implies extremes regardless. These are not normal levels of emotion. These are not normal levels of need of the others closeness, emotional, physical, or otherwise. These are unhealthy, excessive, levels of interpersonal need.

Meaning that even if you don't define Sam and Dean as the erotically codependent beings angels canonically assign them as, these are not normal or healthy siblings.

They are self and peer reviewed codependent weirdos. Honestly, who actually cares if they're fucking, that's the least weird thing about their fucked up relationships.

Dean overriding his little brothers autonomy in a metaphor for allowing Sam to be raped just so that Sam will stay alive and Dean won't lose him? Much much weirder and darker than just them fucking.

Sam turning to a incessant murder machine everytime his brother dies fully in either a need to seek revenge or a need to make a trickster give him back? Yeah trust me, the blow jobs would be more normal.

Like, truly, codependent is not the cop out you think it is. By acknowledging they are, you are acknowledging they have an unhealthy, unnormal, weird relationship. One that according to the definition from the dictionary, is often times used to describe partners:

I just, truly, if this is how people view their siblings, I'm begging them to do some introspection or use like a therapist as a sounding board to see if their relationship with their siblings is healthy. Because if you look at Sam and Dean and see an average sibling relationship that's the same as yours and your siblings, then I'm concerned. And you should be concerned too

#wincest #weirdcest #gencest #codependent winchesters #spn #samdean #weirdchesters #sam and dean

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stusbunker · 23 days

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Spotless: Mordent

Chapter Eighteen

Featuring: Dean Winchester/Reader, Dean/Bela

Other characters: Sam, Billie

Word Count: 2880ish

Warnings, etc: Mutual pining, this turned into more of a brother chapter than I originally intended, talk of tattoos and body mods, unbeta'd

Series Masterlist

Dean walked out of the studio with a cassette recording of their album, a CD and a thumb drive. He always asked for it to be playable in the impala and Ash always came through. The other options were for Bobby and Sam, respectively. Sam would send the files to everyone else. It was finished, set to be released while they were on tour, with the label’s stamp of approval and all. ‘Waysides and Regrets’ was thirteen songs packed with everything they could pour into them.

"Don’t call it a comeback,” Dean muttered to himself as he slipped into the driver’s seat and popped the cassette into the deck. The opening to Rupture ripped through the speakers and Dean cackled at hearing it like a civilian. He drummed along with Pam on the steering wheel as he turned out of the parking lot, saluting the guard at the gate as he went.

He listened to it all before going back home. Rupture bled into Pushing Through which mellowed out to the subdued Brothers Keeper. Then they cranked it back up with Route 666, which slid into the angsty Prophet and Loss that showcased just why Kevin was Cas’ replacement (musically at least). Beyond the Mat and Goodbye Stranger were two sides of the same coin, introspective but in different tones, soulful and combative respectively. Then there was the first single, Annie’s duet, Baby, which Dean unabashedly wrote about his car, but as if she were real and he could thank her and praise her for everything she meant to him. He sang out loud with every word of that song as he cruised faceless side streets letting the music wash over him.

Everybody Loves A Clown, Except Sam was supposed to be a joke track, but they got carried away with it and it actually was one of the funnest songs to play for Dean, and Kevin going full calliope for the chorus was totally worth it. Gods and Monsters was fueled by Dean’s inner rage and where his anger came from, also known as John Winchester and his own self worth issues. Missouri had a field day when he sent her those lyrics. Then there was Lee’s track which Dean helped merely tweak some lines, Give Me My Axe: An Executioner’s Song. It was even better with the windows down and the road disappearing beneath his tires. The final track was an anthem, not quite what the kids would call a banger, but celebratory enough to be the potential second single from the album. It’s about the weekend Dean finally came up for air, when Sam holed him up at Bobby’s cabin in Tahoe and they had his come-to-Jesus intervention thing. It’s about letting go and letting your people catch you, aptly named Weekend at Bobby’s. It turned out better than Dean could have hoped.

He turned into the canyon when the bonus tracks started, knowing the album was drawing to a close and wanting Sam to hear it before he got too emotional about it. The house was quiet when he walked in, the coffee still in the pot, but Sam’s rinsed-out smoothie blender upside down in the sink. Dean found Sam outside, despite the cooler air, going through his yoga routine.

Dean teased Sam about a lot of things, but it held little venom with the things that brought Sam well-being.

“Hey, mop-head, got the album when you’re ready,” Dean called from the doors off the kitchen.

Sam exhaled and smiled, eyes closed in concentration. Dean didn’t know how he did it, but he understood sometimes other senses just get in the way of an experience, almost like they try to crowd it or consume it because it’s not about them.

“Gimme like ten minutes,” Sam replied and shifted into mountain pose.

“Fair enough.”

Dean left the thumb drive on the counter and made his way into the living room. They had speakers in their jam room, but Dean hadn’t eaten and lunch was sounding better by the second. So he popped the CD into the stereo and paused it with one of the many remotes they’d accumulated through years of technological upgrades. Sam had an app on his phone for half of it, but Dean still favored physically punching buttons to get what he wanted done.

He made his way back into the kitchen and started pulling things out for BLTs. Sam had some tofu-bacon in the drawer and he fried that up too, and if a little of the real grease got on it, it was too bad for Sam. He grabbed a couple of bags of chips from the pantry and then some leftover fruit salad from the fridge to even them out. Life was about balance after all, and having a health nut for a brother and roommate Dean had learned to pick his battles.

“Hey, that smells amazing,” Sam broke through Dean’s little self-congratulation.

“Yeah, mine does, yours smells like a nursing home cafeteria—- You ready?” Dean asked, holding up the remote with one hand while popping a chip into his mouth with the other.

“Hit it,” Sam agreed, sitting at the counter as Dean slapped his sandwich down in front of him.

They ate and listened, commenting here and there. Sam helped Dean clean up the kitchen and they both gravitated to the couch to finish listening. Dean took out a bowl he kept in an end table and packed it, smoking casually as Sam took in each song, each transition.

It was one moment, but it was also a hundred others in the years before it. Brothers sitting in comfortable quiet as music spoke to them instead of one another. They were thirteen and nine and Dad had brought home a signed Lyle Lovett album for them to ingest. While neither of them were yet prone to country, it shifted their ideas of just what good music was. They were fifteen and eleven and done enough chores for a trip to Record Town in North Platte where they each got a tape apiece. Dean got Jar of Flies by Alice in Chains while he convinced Sam to get The Downward Spiral by Nine Inch Nails instead of Tori Amos’ Under the Pink. They read every line of production details and lyrics on the pamphlets tucked into the plastic cases.

Sam came home to find Dean back for the weekend. It was early ‘98 and it felt like everything had turned horrifyingly pop focused. The Prodigy’s Fat of the Land was playing on the boombox Dean had dragged out of Sam’s room as his big brother cleaned the kitchen back to his standards and not Kate’s livable level of clutter. They were waiting to hear if they had a brother or a sister. The only thing said between them was Dean reassuring Sam that he put his Celine Dion CD back in its case.

They sat in Lee’s dorm room, stoned and drunk, watching as his roommate's computer uploaded their album. It felt like it would take forever, but it was also insane to think that people all over the world could listen to their music. It was full of possibility, but it was also just two brothers and their friends in their habitat, existing together.

“Dude— did you autotune me?!” Sam gaped, chuckling self consciously while listening to his line of the acoustic track of Brothers Keeper.

“Barely. Like nobody’s gonna notice, they’ll be too busy balling their eyes out,” Dean reassured.

“Yeah, like you, huh?”

“Shut up.”

Sam laughed, but let his embarrassment go; the nervous bastard always hated singing which was why he wasn’t as good at it.

The album reached its end and they started talking about ideas for the tour, things to write down and beg Charlie for like lighting designs or album specific imagery when they hop back into their older stuff. It was almost four when Dean finally got over to Bobby’s with the CD, but he didn't stay for another listen. He let Annie have her moment with Bobby gushing, as much as the geezer could or would gush.

On the way home, you called him squealing with excitement.

“You listen to it already?”

“No! I just got the files from Sam. I guess I shouldn’t have called until I heard it all, huh?”

Dean chuckled. “Maybe. Or maybe you’ll hate it and never want to talk to me again.”

“Ha-ha. But no, seriously, I’m so excited. I’m going to blast it as I meal prep. Do you want my review long hand or can I just call you back and talk your ear off?”

“Whatever you’re willing to give me,” Dean tried for playful.

“Dangerous, Winchester. Okay, well I have like ten more things I have to do now that we have a single. But I’ll be in touch.”

“Sounds good— and thanks.”

“No— thank you.”

Dean hung up and let the fear roll in. You were going to hear it all. Everything he had been through and everything you had helped him overcome. He only hoped you wouldn’t be upset by making a cameo on something so public. Or embarrassed by the way he still needed you.

Dean promised he’d be on his best behavior. Part of that was putting out fires for the band, to try and help make your job easier. So after the shake up from Kevin and Cas, he called Billie and apologized for his bandmates’ (both past and present) disrespect. She told him he could make it up to her. But there was no way Dean was going under the needle again, last time he even looked at one he almost threw up. But, it just so happened he knew someone who was in the market for some art.

Unfortunately, that meant Dean would have to tag along.

Billie’s studio was modern and bright, with different colored walls contrasting the silver accents, both mirrors and shelving. From the outside, Reaping Ink was a small sign on a battered street, but inside it felt like walking into an art gallery and not someplace that had hard sharps containers and enough first aid equipment to stock an ambulance on hand.

And the furniture was always so damn comfortable.

The last time Dean had been here was for a memorial tattoo for Jo that you got on your right shoulder. He nearly broke your hand holding it as he tried and failed not to watch your skin be pierced continuously. It was a beautiful tattoo, everything Billie did was masterful. It just wasn’t something Dean wanted to sit through again.

Luckily for everyone, Bela didn’t need Dean to hold her hand. But she did need him as in with Billie, who usually booked appointments six-to-eight months out.

“Hello, Dean,” Billie’s dark voice called once they walked in, she stood so still and so silently, he hadn’t even noticed her among the cacophony of color in the waiting area.

“Heya Billie, this is Bela,” Dean guided Bela with a hand on the small of her back, the way Billie’s dark eyes clocked the motion made Dean want to step back. Like a nun catching you standing too close to your crush in the hallway. Dean never went to Catholic school, but that feeling of getting caught, of doing wrong was universal.

“Pleasure,” Bela smiled at the artist, while Billie just nodded.

“I have a couple versions for you to pick from, I think I got the gist of what we talked about, but I wanted to be sure on sizing and layout. So come on back and we’ll get started,” Billie went straight into business mode. No whining about Cas’ impulsiveness or speculating on Dean and Bela’s relationship. At least verbally, her eyes held a very different story.

She had three different stencils already cropped and laid out for Bela to see as Bela rucked up her top and rolled down her leggings. It wasn’t a tramp stamp, she was insistent on that, but it was on the back of her right hip, something she could glance at or hold if she needed to. The way she talked about the position of the tattoo, made it seem just as important as the content or the coloring of it.

“Dean?” Bela’s voice drew Dean out of his thoughts.

“Hmm?”

“Can you take pictures with my phone? Before, during, and after?” Bela handed him her unlocked iphone and he turned it around to focus on her nearly bare back. He took a few shots and gave it back.

“You’ll want that to distract you, trust me,” Dean assured.

Bela rolled her eyes. “Isn’t that what you’re here for?”

Dean went green. “As long as I don’t have to watch.”

“Really?!” Bela exclaimed and looked over to Billie for confirmation.

“Mmm-hmm, boys one of the worst I’ve seen around needles. No wonder he doesn’t even have his ears pierced.”

“I guess I never noticed—- wouldn’t have thought. Poor thing,” Bela sighed as she settled on her stomach on one of Billie’s many specialty beds.

“Can we not? I mean, I’m here ain't I?” Dean huffed and pulled out his own phone. You still hadn’t texted him what you thought about the album, but he also knew you were busy, so he didn’t want to rush you or look too desperate.

He felt Bela and Billie have a silent conversation as he pulled up his sudoku app, but ignored them as Billie got the stencil in place, only getting up to snap another picture. Then, they were off. Bela and Billie making small talk about the design, which Dean knew Bela had put a lot of thought into, especially since it would officially tarnish her good girl image. Even in this day and age, most of her fans were in their fifties. A tattoo could rattle the masses. But getting one with Dean seemed like a good compromise of their images.

He was rubbing off on her, so to speak. Well, he hadn’t done that literally since his talk with Sam, but you know.

They sat for an hour and a half and took a break, Dean went to get food and coffee, which he left in the lobby so as not to infringe on Billie’s strict rules. Dean took a couple more pictures and some stupid selfies for Bela to find later. The shop was closed to the public and since Billie’s latest playlist had started over, Dean asked if he could hook up to the bluetooth.

Billie looked at him appraisingly as it became clear that he was playing his own music during his girlfriend’s appointment.

“What?”

“You’re either looking for my approval or you’re buttering me up by letting me hear this first. Which is it?” Billie manhandled Bela back into position to get going on the shading.

“I don’t know, man. Both?”

Billie hummed, but didn’t reply.

Dean walked around the studio, looking at the different sets of flash and paintings that covered the walls. He flinched away from the spinning display of rods, tapers, disks, and rings for piercings and stretching. He felt like a waste of space, but mainly because he was never any good with boredom. Being idle in a place he was already uncomfortable, for a plethora of reasons, was akin to torture.

He remembered to breathe.

He checked his phone. He put that back into his pocket. He stole Bela’s phone for a few more pictures, trying not to look directly at her raised, red flesh.

“How’s it going?” Dean asked, after giving Bela her phone back, his album running its course around them.

“I’d say another twenty minutes and then I’ll bandage her up. You good?” Billie asked, surprisingly sincerely.

“What? Yeah, I’m fine. Just curious,” Dean muttered.

“Hey, Dean. I like the music,” Billie said, waiting for him to make eye contact.

“Thanks,” Dean nodded, trying not to let his blush show.

“When’s it coming out?” Bela asked, suddenly reminding Dean why he was there in the first place.

“End of April,” he said. “Single’ll be released week after my birthday.”

Bela paused and looked up at him, but Billie was the one to break the ice.

“Which is?”

“Uh, the 24th. Baby hits your airwaves on the 29th.”

“Is that Annie Hawkins on that track?” Billie asked.

“Yup,” Dean grinned.

“Damn, almost forgot about her. Nice pull,” Billie praised.

Dean chuckled, not explaining his connection. She’d find out eventually, if it even mattered. “Yeah, we got lucky with that one.”

Bela was inked up, wiped down and vacuum sealed over the following half hour. Dean paid for the work, plus a generous tip. And posed for a few promotional shots with Bela and Billie alike. Once everyone was satisfied that what they had would help all involved, Bela and Dean said their goodbyes and thank yous and headed out for a late dinner at Elizabeth’s.

“Do you want me to send these to you or to Y/N to latergram?” Bela asked as their drinks arrived.

“Just send ‘em to Trouble. She’ll know what to do with them better than me,” Dean ducked out of the responsibility, unaware he was planting another social media minefield for you to navigate by doing so.

Tagging:

@deans-spinster-witch

@mrswhozeewhatsis

@cosicas-cuquis

@fics-pics-andotherthings-i-like

@suckitands33

@ladysparkles78

@deans-baby-momma

@stoneyggirl2

@sassy-pelican

@leigh70

@globetrotter28

@winharry

@lastactiontricia

@rockhoochie

Chapter Nineteen: Pizzicato

#spotless series #dean/reader #dean/bela #slow burn #rockstar au #fake dating #dean x reader #dean winchester fanfiction

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wheretosearchforsnow · 4 months

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Destiel in Season 4 and 5 of Supernatural and Death of God

German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche’s well-known phrase “God is dead,” introducing the idea of the missing God, laid the foundation for one of the most important topics in the 20th century Existentialist Movement. The possibility of God’s non-existence means that everything that is possible to happen can happen, and if everything is allowed, how can man choose? How can man know how to live? If everything is allowed, can there be we define right from wrong?

Such questions are asked on Supernatural, with the character Castiel first appearing at the end of the first episode in the fourth season, which marked the series’ introduction of Christian mythology as a central them ever since. Castiel, an Angel of the Lord, initially shows complete devotion to God and identifies as servant of heaven:

CASTIEL: We have no choice. DEAN: Of course you have a choice. I mean, come on, what? You’ve never questioned a crap order, huh? What are you both, just a couple of hammers? CASTIEL: Look, even if you can’t understand it, have faith. The plan is just. SAM: How can you even say that? CASTIEL: Because it comes from heaven, that makes it just. - 4.07 It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

This argument on the morality behind the act of “purifying a city” or “taking one thousand two hundred fourteen lives” between Castiel and the Winchesters is not dissimilar with Danish theologian Søren Kierkegaard’s discussion on Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac. When Abraham was told that as a result of God's will that he must sacrifice his son Isaac, he was in a kind of either-or. If the message is genuinely from God, then he must sacrifice Isaac and it is the right thing to do; but if the message is not from God, then he would be committing what would be the very worst possible crime judged on the basis of Abraham's own view of human ethics.

The dichotomy here, between Castiel’s and Dean’s rationales, is that while the former believes there is a God and God and religion (in other words, heaven’s plan for earth) are the most important things, and man must do nothing but obey heaven’s command, the latter insists that there is no God and it is for man to take the total burden of responsibility for the world and for himself upon his own shoulders, with no one to give him any sign.

Though the former seems to suggest a lack of agency or necessity for decision making in moral judgement, as the plot unfolds, we see Castiel demonstrate a sense of uncertainty, the very secret he voices in the conversation with Dean in the episode’s epilogue.

CASTIEL: I’m not a… hammer as you say. I have questions, I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore, whether you passed or failed here. But in the coming months you will have more decisions to make. I don’t envy the weight that’s on your shoulders, Dean. I truly don’t. - 4.07 It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

This mirrors Kierkegaard’s Abraham in his questions on God’s will. Indeed, how is one to know whether the command is from God or not? If an angel speaks to him, how does Abraham know it's not a hallucination? And if God himself speaks, how is Abraham, or Castiel, to know whether this is really God or whether the command is their own inward evil wishes? Nobody but Abraham, or Castiel, can decide and they cannot tell within his life whether he has done the right thing or not.

Perhaps it is this introspective nature in Castiel that draws him close to Dean, the human in his charge, and by implication humanity. Dean, a firm non-believer and what many, including himself, perceive to be as farthest from being servant of God as possible, detests the idea of God even in face of angels walking the earth.

DEAN: God? CASTIEL: Yes. DEAN: God. CASTIEL: Yes! He isn't in heaven. He has to be somewhere. DEAN: Try New Mexico. I hear he's on a tortilla. CASTIEL: No, he's not on any flatbread. DEAN: Listen, Chuckles, even if there is a God, he is either dead—and that's the generous theory— CASTIEL: He is out there, Dean. DEAN: —or he's up and kicking and doesn't give a rat's ass about any of us. CASTIEL glares. DEAN: I mean, look around you, man. The world is in the toilet. We are literally at the end of days here, and he's off somewhere drinking booze out of a coconut. All right? - 5.02 Good God, Y'all

Dean has no intention of trying to prove that God does not exist, as one cannot prove a negative, but the very specific objection to the traditional concept of God above parallels with the simple objection in many existentialists work that is based upon the injustice of the universe. Albert Camus has given this same type of criticism in his novel, "The Plague", in which the priest, Padalu, confesses that he is not able to understand how there can be any justification so that even eternal paradise could cancel out the sufferings here on earth of one innocent child. Why, Deans asks, if God is all powerful, does man have to suffer? If God is merciful, then how can he sentence man, any man at all to eternal damnation?

There is an optimistic side to this. As the repetitive occurrence of the term “free will” on this show suggests, if God exists, man is nothing; but if God does not exist, then man is free to choose what he wants to make himself. But for Castiel to arrive at this destination, it first takes him to undergo a two-season long crisis.

ANNA: What do you want from me, Castiel? CASTIEL: I'm considering disobedience. ANNA nods. ANNA: Good. CASTIEL: No, it isn't. For the first time, I feel... ANNA: It gets worse. Choosing your own course of action is confusing, terrifying. ANNA puts her hand on CASTIEL's shoulder. He looks at it; she drops it. ANNA: That's right. You're too good for my help. I'm just trash. A walking blasphemy. ANNA turns to walk away. CASTIEL: Anna. ANNA stops. CASTIEL: I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do. ANNA turns back. ANNA: Like the old days? No. I'm sorry. It's time to think for yourself. - 4.16 On the Head of a Pin

If God isn’t out there, then Castiel has nowhere to turn. This dreadful realization may best be articulated through Hazel Barnes’ analogy that as if one would try to judge a Ford car without any Mr. Ford. So long as there is a Mr. Ford or one of his agents, then one has a model, one has a blueprint and one can say that the car which is coming there off the assembly line is a perfect Ford or an imperfect Ford. But without a plan, one cannot judge a car, and without God, there is no plan for Castiel and there is no final point of reference by which he can judge his values, or right or wrong, or declare that he has lived up to his possibilities or not lived up to his possibilities.

Yet despite “choosing your own course of action” being “confusing, terrifying,” Castiel is not in total despair. Dean, the human equivalent of the burden of a self-creative life, provides reference for Castiel on how to live a life as if there were no God. I have concluded thus that in the context of existentialism Castiel seeks Dean and humanity for answers and view them as his destination.

Note: this article is MOSTLY arguments in Hazel Barnes’ Self Encounter 2: The Far Side of Despair.

#destiel #supernatural #spn #castiel #dean winchester #existentialism #cas meta #dean meta

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fandom-hoarder · 3 months

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Grabbing these tags by @deanwinchesterpregnant from this post to expand.

Because yes, this is a very important part! Sam says it, too!

And while there ARE Sam haters that will say "Sam doesn't know how much Dean sacrificed!" and mean it as a JUDGEMENT and omg wooby!Dean; there are also people like me, who started writing s1 Sam POVs to understand him better, and suddenly connected him to my little brother like, 'OH. Sam doesn't KNOW. How COULD he know??😭' and it's not a judgment of his character or his love for Dean! And he's not stupid! They're both just kids who have yet to work through their own shit enough to realize they don't know EVERYTHING about each other, despite their shared history. It's part of why Sam says in In My Time of Dying that they were "just starting to be brothers again."

Obviously it's a necessary part of s1 to give us, the viewer, expositional glimpses into Sam and Dean's inner workings. But the way they each react to certain new revelations about each other are still canon even if there are Doylist reasons.

It's canon that Sam didn't know Dean carried him out of the fire. It's canon that Dean has felt responsible for Sam almost being eaten by a shtriga since he was 9/10 years old, and it's canon that Sam never even knew that happened. It's canon that the memory of Mary was so coveted by Dean and John that Sam has virtually no connection to her; no stories and no echoes of her in the way they live other than the infamous Winchester Surprise.

It's canon that Sam doesn't really have any happy holiday memories, and Dean does. It's canon that their perspective on the same shared holidays is completely different. It's canon that Dean stole Christmas decorations and presents for Sam and apparently none for himself. And it's canon that Sam realized Dean did that for him and gave him his only present. And it's canon that remembering that made grown-up Sam want to give Dean Christmas even though it meant admitting something hurtful to himself. (John not showing up for Christmas/Dean's last Christmas)

If you put yourself in Sam's shoes--- a kid left alone for most of his formative years; unable to put down roots and make friends; whose best friend, the only one who could even try to understand him, is his good little soldier brother--- it's easier to understand why Sam felt lonely and became a much more introspective person. Because he was literally stuck with just his thoughts and anxieties and the TV for days at a time. When you think about how sick he must've been about it, every time Dean and John would leave. Waiting for that next phone call. Biting his fingernails when the call was late. Wanting to be invited to prove yourself, but also because if you're THERE at least you KNOW what happens.

But then, too, if you can put yourself in Dean's place: it's not necessarily something a kid or young adult can fully appreciate--- especially a somewhat emotionally immature young adult--- that their little sibling is a completely autonomous person with their own inner life. They don't just pause when you leave their sight. Dean throws himself into the hunt, and isn't thinking about how much Sam is worrying about them. He's thinking, "Sam is safe, so I can focus on backing Dad up."

It sounds selfish, but it's simply a fact of the maturing brain that it takes some time to comprehend someone else's existence outside of you as a real thing and not just a vague concept.

So, to touch on another aspect that gets discoursed:

There ARE a lot of things about Dean's parentification that Sam doesn't know at first, but he has always known about it to SOME degree. He had his own perspective on it, and for sure I wouldn't say that Sam thought of Dean as his parent. Dean has definitely always been his older and somewhat overbearing big brother. But who do you think Sam took his problems to? Who threatens to rip his bully's lungs out in After School Special? Who remembers what fucking play Sam did in drama?

And a short related aside--- thinking about how Sam was surprised about the things of his John had in storage. His surprise that John kept an eye on him at Stanford. And relating these things that changed Sam's understanding of his father, to the way his understanding of Dean shifted with each revelation of what Dean had done for him. And despite everything Sam ALREADY knew, his adult brain and life experiences gave him new perspective on things.

This maybe is a little rambley, but oh well. What was I saying...

Oh yeah. So sometimes people get upset about Dean being given like. More praise than he deserves or something, by having those "you practically raised me" lines and things. As if it's a retcon. But it's really not.

It's Sam growing up, and his brain constantly taking in new information and reshaping his understanding. It's Sam seeing how much Dean blames himself for things that weren't his fault, and wanting Dean to see the good he's done. It's Sam being able to see Dean's heart underneath his codependent or selfish decisions, and reaching out. It's Sam trying to remind Dean he can lean on Sam, too.

I've gone off on a tangent and made myself tear up lol. I don't remember where I wanted to end up anymore. Somewhere in the ether there's another rant about how Dean has a harder time allowing himself the introspection on his perception of Sam, and how this leads to Sam having to do a lot of the leading on the emotional maturity of their relationship, and how hard this is when the person you're leading still sees you as their kid, in whatever capacity.

But ultimately, of COURSE Sam does as much for Dean. Of course Sam has agency in this and isn't Dean's baby that had a pampered childhood vs Dean's horrible one. Sam and Dean acknowledging the actual circumstances of their childhood dynamic doesn't have to be a Samgirls vs Deangirls fucking situation lol.

#me.txt #my replies #sam n dean commentary #Dean's parentification #parentified!dean #fandom discourse #peer review #related posts #sam winchester commentary #dean winchester commentary

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getoutofbednelly · 3 months

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so the most recent fics I’ve read on my kindle are the first two parts of the time has come today series by teen_dean (@urne-buriall on tumblr I think). and these are so good. I’ll elaborate more in my fic review but I am excited to share the cover I developed for my kindle collection because I really enjoyed going through different iterations of this cover. I’m just posting the cover I landed on for now, but I think I will share some of the other iterations which include design choices that I cut and edited at length(in another post or reblog later).

Fic review, cover design notes and a small disclaimer under the page break:)

fic review: I’m not always one to love casefics, watching cases passively on screen is one thing, but I can’t always immerse myself in a case to keep interest. I’m more one for character dynamics and the dynamics here are so interesting and introspective and funny I can’t get enough.

When it comes to the characterizations the author really nails it too. They are so close to canon that when I inevitably dissociate from atmospheric chemistry seminars and start thinking about supernatural, I can’t remember if something happened in their fic or on screen. I love these characters and teen_dean obviously does too because they treat their characterization so carefully. The cover I designed references scenery and plot points related to the case part of the fic, but I wish I could have incorporated the deep and thoughtful character analysis that is part of this fic.

And the imagery, particularly the west coast imagery, is. so. good. Very rarely am ever I struck with the desire to draw imagery described in writing, but it struck me at multiple times throughout this. most noteably the cas in the orchard paragraph highlighted in one of my pics towards the end of young hearts (will it be my first castiel fan art??? I certainly hope so.) chef’s kiss.

I really thought I would take a break after finishing young hearts, but I wasn’t ready to not know what happened to teen dean and past-cas in the next fic so I’m reading the rules of have changed today now and I have no regrets.

some notes on the cover design: I’m not sure this translates to the end result, but the glowing text of the title/author/everything-else was meant to represent the flickering lights of neon signage you might see in a dive bar. The description of Schaffer’s bar at the beginning and end of the first part is rich and another example of really capturing the feeling of canon (which I should mention is something the author does really well through scenery too). I don’t think I necessarily got the colors right (I initially imagined a larger color palette), but I’m feeling pretty good about the glowing aspect of it. In a print book format, I’d like all of the red to be metallic embossed.

Its very faint, but I included the silhouette of a mountainscape with silhouettes of dark watchers watching in the background. I think you have to zoom in to see them though. So I included a zoomed in image of two of the dark watchers. See if you can spot the other two!!

The last thing I wanted to mention is that I know arimaspians are typically one-eyed (on their heads). I took a creative liberty and put an eye on the hand.

lastly, a disclaimer: I know that teen_dean already has a cover and print typeset for their fic on their page. I just wanted to add my creative twist on it for my kindle collection and wanted to share it with you all :’). I should say explicitly that this was not designed in communication with the fic author. I do not take any credit for the fic (credit to the story goes to the author and characters to the cw). if teen_dean comes across this I especially hope they enjoy it<3, but if for any reason you (teen_dean/urne-buriall) don’t want to be associated with this cover, please contact me and I will take this down.

#time has come today #teen_dean #destiel fic #destiel #fanfic cover art #cover art #fic reviews #fic review #deancas #kindle #reading fanfiction on a kindle

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