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mlm-writer · 3 years

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Hero of the Swamp (Shrek x Jaskier)

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Pairing: Shrek x Netflix!Jaskier (Julian Alfred Pankratz/Dandelion) Rating: Explicit Words: 2893 POV: Third Summary: After being left on the mountain, Jaskier finds himself lost in the swamp and in need of warmth and comfort. Note: Y’all can thank @spielzeugkaiser and their amazing art for this. Sorry for the sloppy edit, but I really was not going to put even more time into this sinful work. Tags: I’ve been a bad boy daddy forgive me father fore I have sinned, pre-movies Shrek, post-mountain Jaskier, angst, fluff, Shrek’s huge dong, size kink, cum shower, monster cock, blowjobs, rimming, cum eating and Shrek has emotions ok

The growls of monsters lurking in the forest rolled over the muddy forest grounds and reached Jaskier’s icy ears. He shivered in both terror and response to the temperature. He told himself he could get off that mountain on his own, but who was he kidding? His frigid ears caught something in the dark. The bard bolted off the path, then later found himself in the middle of nowhere, chilled to the bone, disoriented, and, to be honest, frightened.

He was looking for a path, but even that seemed to not be present anywhere in the vicinity. Jaskier rubbed his trembling hands together and walked on. Jaskier thought he should at last find some shelter from the wind. Just as he was about to settle for a random tree, he noticed light in the distance, warm like fire, inviting him and promising warmth and shelter.

The fatigued bard all but ran towards it, the signs around the perimeter unnoticed in the dark. His boots sunk into the mud of the swamp, but he had his eyes set on the house-like structure in the middle of the swamp. He could not believe anyone wanted to live in this stinky place, but right now this someone was about to be his saviour. Once at what he assumed to be the door, he knocked on it. When there was no answer he knocked again. There were some angry, heavy footsteps, before the door opened.

Before him stood a massive humanoid, skin green like peas, frame built like Geralt who preferred cake over his nasty potions. “Eh, good evening, sir,” Jaskier tried. If it was living in a house, it must be intelligent to some extent… right? “Could you please spare some place for a weary traveller?” The green creature did not look nice, even without its facial expressions. Some tension left its body after the question. Jaskier recognised it as a hint of confusion. “I’m afraid I’ll freeze to death if I don’t warm myself by a fire.”

“No, get out of my swamp,” the creature spoke. It sounded like it was from Skellige. It was about to retreat into its home, but Jaskier put his foot between the door.

“Please, I’ll die out here,” he spoke dramatically, hoping for pity so he’d have a roof over his head tonight. He was not sure if he should try his luck with this creature, but at least it could speak. Wraiths had said less words, before trying to slice him.

“Not my problem. Get out of my swamp. The only way you get close to my fire is when I roast you over it.” “Oh please, you don’t mean that.”

Jaskier had barely finished speaking, when the green man grabbed him by his doublet and pulled him close. His breath stank of swamp water and fish. His mouth was wide and Jaskier was pretty sure he would fit inside there. The bard felt like he should be terrified, but underneath a thin layer of leather and cloth, there was warmth radiating off pear skin. He wanted to lean into it, thaw. What inhibited his survival skills further, where those eyes glaring into his. Under bushy eyebrows rested two brown pools of warm broth. He heard the green man roar into his face that he needed to leave, because he was an ogre and he was going to eat him, but it was hard to believe him.

Within those eyes that were so close to his, the ogre told the story of a creature that wanted to be alone, because alone was safe, alone was comfortable, alone was all he was used to. Jaskier never knew that, but after today, he understood why one would think that.

“If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you off my hands.”

It stung, more than anything had caused him to ache in ages. Jaskier could feel the urge to never make friends again, never love again, never lust after one he could not have. However, he refused. It was pain that made life worth living. Without pain, bliss did not feel as good as it did. The rain made sunlight so much more appreciated. The cold made fire so much more precious. The monsters made the witcher so much more valuable.

The human knew this, but the ogre holding him up by his doublet did not. Jaskier had wished for pity, but he pitied the other now. He clumsily threw his arms around the ogre and hugged him tightly. The ogre stopped yelling at him. Jaskier could feel the muscles against his body tensing up. The hand holding him loosened and he threw his legs around the ogre too, holding on and hugging him tightly. “You don’t have to be alone. I don’t fear you,” Jaskier spoke gently.

“I am an ogre.” “And if you were really malicious I would not still be breathing. Please, just for one night. There are all sorts of dangers out in these swamps, especially at night. I just want to stay alive.”

Jaskier could hear the ogre letting out a long sigh. “Fine,” he spoke, “but you have to be gone tomorrow.” Jaskier let him go, but not after planting a delighted kiss on the rough skin of the ogre’s cheek.

“Thank you so much,” the bard exclaimed. He slipped inside, before the ogre could change his mind. The inside of the hollowed out tree looked cozy. It stank like hell, but he was in the middle of the swamp; what did he expect? “Do you like music? I have little to give you, but I am a bard.” Jaskier held up his lute as he grabbed the chair that had no food in front of it. One look at the giant slug on a plate and he was pretty sure he did not want to have any food. Jaskier pulled the chair a little closer to the fire and sat down with his lute in his lap. It seemed rather strange that there were two hand-crafted chairs, while the ogre seemed to be so keen on being alone. “Oh and you can call me Jaskier, by the by. What may I call you, my hero from the swamp?”

The ogre looked at him a little annoyed as he closed the door and sat back down to finish his dinner. “Uh… Shrek. You can play, but don’t sing.” Jaskier let the name roll off his tongue, before playing a calming tune. He didn’t speak, just let his fingers do their thing as he processed all that happened during the day, well it was actually more just those few minutes that haunted his mind. Each one of Geralt’s words cutting into his soul. “Eh… Jaskier?” Jaskier was pulled from his thoughts when Shrek spoke his name. He shook his head, before looking at Shrek. “You don't seem to be… you… you seem sad, well, what I mean is… I never heard such a depressing tune.”

Jaskier faked a smile. “My apologies, good sir. I’ll play you a happier tune, if you wish.” He diverted his eyes to the fingerboard, blinking away the tears he suddenly noticed pooling in his eyes.

“No, you don’t have to. I prefer silence, anyway.” Jaskier looked up and noticed Shrek had finished eating. He stood up and started cleaning up. “You can sleep on my good chair.” Jaskier followed the ogre’s gaze to the fauteuil in the corner. He nodded. It looked comfortable enough. He had slept on forest floors with Geralt. This was more luxury than a regular day with the witcher.

Shrek had some board and card games, which he seemed to enjoy to play. Jaskier wondered if Shrek usually played these games on his own or if he hosted guests more often. Neither seemed likely, since the games seemed to have gone untouched for at least a decade, if not longer. They shared a few laughs. Shrek turned out to be more fun company than Jaskier would ever have expected from an ogre. His jokes were terrible and sometimes a little insensitive, but he so clearly meant well. It was clear Shrek was not used to talking or any social interactions. He spoke like a young man still trying to figure out what was socially acceptable to say and what was not. Still, he was trying and Jaskier welcomes the vivid chatting.

When they got tired, Jaskier curled up on the comfortable fauteuil by the fire. Shrek had draped a shirt of his over the human. It stank and was dirty, but it was warm and Jaskier was still low key afraid of getting kicked out to sleep in the mud, so he didn’t voice a single word of complaint. In the silence of the night with no one to talk to, words that were already spoken returned to his mind. Jaskier tried to block them out, but they bit at his brain, keeping him awake and drawing tears from his eyes. He curled further in on himself, trying to stay quiet as he sobbed into his hands. It just hurt so much to be discarded like he was nothing but a nuisance. Was that all he was? He was sure his songs brought joy in taverns, but right now the unlikely and unrealistic idea that everyone just pretended to have a good time was so overwhelming.

The bard flinched when he felt a huge hand on his shoulder and arm. He looked up to find Shrek hanging over him in nothing but his smalls. He looked like he wanted to say something, but the ogre clearly wasn’t good with words. “I’m fine, Shrek,” Jaskier lied as he wiped the tears off his face, “I’ll just find the nearest town tomorrow and fuck the pain away.” The words had already left him, when he realised how that might sound. “And I’ll do that tomorrow, not because I think you’re hideous, quite the contrary, you might be the most handsome ogre to ever exist, but I just assumed you would not be interested in having sex with a human… male. Human male, doesn’t seem your taste, but it could be, I wouldn’t judge you. How could I? You’ve been a most generous host! I…”

Jaskier almost suffocated as Shrek’s palm covered the entirety of his face. He got the hint and just shut up. Shrek slowly let go of his face, allowing him to breathe again. Jaskier looked away, cheeks red. He was blabbering nonsense to an ogre who preferred peace and quiet. He guessed it was time to sleep in the mud outside, however, Shrek wasn’t yelling at him… yet.

“So you just have sex and that helps you feel better?” Jaskier nodded slowly. “I wouldn’t mind helping you feel better. It is not like I have had lassies lining up in the swamp… or lads.” He laughed a little awkwardly, making Jaskier laugh too. He took hold of one of Shrek’s huge fingers with two of his, by comparison, tiny hands.

“Oh Shrek, you are such a wonderful host. You really do not have to do this though. I will still want to visit you again, even when you don’t want to fuck my brains out, just so I don’t have to think about some brutish asshole.” Shrek gave him a long look, before enclosing his hand around Jaskier’s waist and lifting him off the fauteuil.

“It’s not just for you. It’s for me too.” And Jaskier wanted to read into those words, figure out the ogre with complicated feelings, but he had no willpower to. Shrek’s bed was firm, almost hard like a plank. It smelled like him, like onions and mud and firewood. Shrek tried to undress him, but his huge fingers couldn’t get a grip on Jaskier’s complex clothing. Jaskier smiled kindly at him, helping him without even needing to look at any button. “Can I kiss you?” Jaskier didn’t even reply. Instead he pulled Shrek’s head down. It was an awkward kiss. Shrek’s mouth was way too big and neither of them were very coordinated in the moment.

When his clothes were mostly off and Jaskier was left in his smalls, Shrek kissed down his body, his huge tongue lapping at his skin and Jaskier could hear him enjoy the taste. He hummed to signal his pleasure, letting the ogre go about his business. Shrek pulled off his smalls and to Jaskier’s complete surprise, the ogre took his cock in his mouth. Jaskier whimpered, hands grabbing the sheets. Everything about Shrek was big, including his mouth. Even when the ogre sucked him to full hardness, Jaskier still didn’t feel the back of the ogre’s throat. Shrek sucked in his balls at well and Jaskier almost cried from the pleasure of having his cock and balls inside a warm mouth.

When Shrek let Jaskier go, his length was hard, red and leaking. Jaskier barely had time to recover, before he felt that glorious tongue on him again, this time licking over his hole. Whispered pleas left his lips as he imagined that tongue inside of him. Then a thought crossed his mind. If everything about Shrek was big, what about his dick? Jaskier had seen the ogre’s hands and one finger was already bigger than the average cock. While he normally was down to go big, the imaginable size of Shrek’s dong low key terrified him.

His mind had no opportunity to freak him out completely, because Shrek’s tongue entered him and the feeling was so, so good. Jaskier moaned as big green hands spread his cheeks and thick wetness penetrated him. “Ah… ah Shrek I hate to be a uh… fuck!” The bard trashed his arms around when his new found friend started to stroke his cock at the same time. “I’m gonna cum! Way too soon, I know! Sto..aahh...” His whole body tensed as he spilled all over himself. Shrek was unrelenting. As the bard’s cock was spent, he still had his tongue inside him, pressing at the right places and wiggling around so talentedly. “Stop, stop, stop, it’s too much, really, too much.”

Jaskier was out of breath, head fuzzy with post-orgasmic bliss. His whole brain short-circuited as Shrek’s tongue licked over his torso, cleaning him off all the cum he had spilled over himself. “Are you all right?” The green-skinned sex machine inquired with innocent eyes that did not match the absolute tent in his smalls.

“Say, Shrek, will I die if I swallow ogre cum?” Jaskier almost laughed at Shrek’s expression. It was a ‘yes, no, maybe’. “Ok fine, but I will suck you off still.” The human pushed at the ogre, cornering the larger frame against the opposite wall, before getting on his knees.

“With all due respect, Jask, I don’t think you can fit me anywhere.” Jaskier didn’t listen, pulling down Sherk’s white smalls in spite of knowing the ogre was probably right. As soon as 12 inch of green cock basically slapped him in the face, Jaskier knew he was in way over his head. Still, he was confident that if he tried, he could still fit the head inside his mouth. With Shrek still assuring him he did not have to do this, Jaskier started licking all over Shrek’s length. The taste was not as bad as he feared. In fact, the more he licked, the more he started to like it. Jaskier made out with the head of Shrek’s cock, fucking the slit with his tongue. Shrek was holding his shoulder, occasionally squeezing a little as he moaned. And oh were those delicious moans, primal, guttural, deep and vibrating through Jaskier’s entire body.

The human tried many times, but he couldn’t slip the monster cock inside his mouth. He was resilient though and kept trying, while stroking the rest of the green length. He was so caught up in his quest that he didn’t hear Shrek telling him how close he was. He made a disappointed sound as he was forcibly removed from the cock in his mouth. Jaskier crawled back up the bed and stretched out his body. “Cum on me,” he wantonly moaned and Shrek did not disappoint. Jaskier had to close his eyes and mouth as he got showered in thick, beige cum. He never had felt this dirty, but it was a good kind. He wished he could have taken Shrek in his ass. He could’ve been so full.

Once Shrek had stopped groaning, Jaskier dared to open his eyes. He could see guilt already spreading over Shrek’s face. He must have been a sight, so much smaller than Shrek and absolutely drenched in his cum. “Don’t look at me like that. I’ve always fantasised about being showered in cum. Just never thought that all that cum would come from a single person.”

Shrek let out a relieved sigh and helped him wipe some cum off his face so it wouldn’t get into his mouth or eyes. “I’ll prepare you a bath,” he spoke gently, surprising Jaskier with the thoughtfulness. His eyes followed the ogre as he put his breeches on and moved out to probably get some fresh water. A laugh escaped Jaskier as he stared at the sticky substance covering his skin. Who would’ve thought that the swamp could’ve been so pleasant?

#shrekier #i've been a bad boy daddy #forgive me father for i have sinned #shrek x jaskier #shrek #julian alfred pankratz #dandelion #netflix jaskier #the witcher #lemon #the witcher fic #shrek fic #monsterfucking #ogre #ogres #ogres are like onions

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im-just-trying-to-get-bi · 3 years

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Onward, Ohauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower... ...where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Oharming! This is worse than " Love Letters" . I hate dinner theater! Me, too. Whoa there, Ohauncey! Hark! The brave Prince Oharming approacheth. Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you... ...then take my place as rightful king. What did she say? It's Shrek! Whoo, Shrek, yeah! Prepare, foul beast... ...to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! Happy birthday to thee Happy birthday to thee Do you mind? Do you mind? Boring! Prepare, foul beast... Someday you'll be sorry. We already are! Mommy... You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't ! I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother... ...I will restore dignity to my throne. And this time, no one will stand in my way. Good morning. Good morning. Morning breath. I know. Isn't it wonderful? Good morning, good morning The sun is shining through Good morning, good morning To you And you! And you! They grow up so fast. Not fast enough. You'll be filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir. Great! Let's get started. Oome on, lazybones. Time to get moving! You need to get a pair ofjammies. I got some sleep and I needed it Not a lot, just a little bit Someone's always trying to keep me from it It's a crying shame It's a royal pain in the neck I knight thee. If you're filling in for a king, you should look like one. Oan somebody come in and work on Shrek? I will see what I can do. Yeah, wow. Is this really necessary? Quite necessary, Fiona. I'm Shrek, you twit. Whatever. This isn't a rehearsal, peoples. Let's see some hustle! Smiles, everyone! Smiles! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I'm sorry, but can you just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek? You look handsome. Oome here, you. My butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. Hey, you! Oome here. What's your name? Fiddlesworth, sir. Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen... ...Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! Ahh! You've got it. A little to the left. That's it! That's good. Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. Shrek! My eye! What are you doing? Fiona! Are you okay? Yeah. I'm fine. Shrimp! My favorite! That's it! We're leaving! Oalm down. Oalm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre. I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be. I think that went well. Donkey! Oome on, Shrek! Some people just don't understand boundaries. Just think. A couple more days and we'll be back home... ...in our vermin-filled shack strewn with fungus... ...and filled with the stench of mud and neglect. You had me at "vermin-filled" . And, um... maybe even the pitter-patter of little feet on the floor. That's right, the swamp rats will be spawning. Uh, no. What I'm thinking of is a little bigger than a swamp rat. Donkey? No, Shrek. What if, theoretically... ...they were little ogre feet? Honey, let's be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop, and they cry... ...then they cry when they poop and poop when they cry. Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra-cry and they extra-poop. Shrek, don't you ever think about having a family? Right now, you're my family. Somebody better be dying. I'm dying. Harold? Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. Of course, darling. Fiona. Yes, Daddy? I know I made many mistakes with you. It's okay. But your love for Shrek has... ...taught me much. My dear boy... ...I am proud to call you my son. And I'm proud to call you my frog... ...King dad-in-law. Now there is a matter of business to attend to. The Frog King... is dead. Put your hat back on, fool. Shrek... ...please come hither. Yeah, Dad? This kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. Next in line. You see, Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed, you're still making jokes. Oome on, Dad. An ogre as king? That's not such a good idea. There must be somebody else. Anybody! Aside from

you, there is only one remaining heir. Really? Who is he, Dad? His name is... ...is... What's his name? ...is... Daddy! His name is Arthur. Arthur? I know you'll do... ...what's right. Harold? Dad? Dad! Dad? Do your thing, man. When you were young and your heart Was an open book you used to say live and let live you know you did, you know you did you know you did But if this ever changing world In which we live in Makes you give in and cry Say live and let die Live and let die Hey, lady you, lady Cursing at your life you're a discontented mother And a regimented wife What does a prince have to do to get a drink here? Ah, Mabel! Why they call you an ugly stepsister, I'll never know. Where's Doris? Taking the night off? She's not welcome here, and neither are you. What do you want, Oharming? Not much. Just a chance at redemption. And a Fuzzy Navel. And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! We're not your friends. You don't belong here. You're absolutely right, but, I mean, do any of us? Do a number on his face. Wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White, and what happened? Oh, what's it to you? They left you the unfairest of them all. Now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? Pretty unfair. And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. I hate that little wooden puppet. And Hook. Need I say more? And you, Frumpypigskin! Rumpelstiltskin. Where's that firstborn you were promised? Mabel. Remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot... ...into that tiny glass slipper? Oinderella is in Far Far Away right now... ...eating bonbons, cavorting with every last fairy tale creature... ...that has ever done you wrong! Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story... ...and our side has not been told! So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their... ..." happily ever after" ? This way, gents. It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. As are you. And, uh, you. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I got to go! I don't wanna leave you either. But you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses every day! Be strong, babies. Ooco, Peanut, listen to your mama. Bananas, no roasting marshmallows on your sister's head. That's my special boy! Oome here, all of you! Give your daddy a big hug! Shrek? Maybe you should just stay and be King. Oome on. There's no way I could run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur is a perfect choice. It's not that. You see... And if he gives me trouble, I always have persuasion and reason. Here's persuasion... and here's reason. Fiona... ...soon it's just going to be you, me... ...and our swamp. It's not going to be just you and me. All aboard! It will be. I promise. I love you. That's lovely. Bye-bye, babies! Shrek! Wait! What is it? I'm ... I'm ... I love you, too, honey! No! I said I'm ... You're what? I said I'm pregnant! What was that? You're going to be a father! That's great! Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you! Yeah! Me, too! You! I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! And you, my friend, are royally... Home. Shrek! Fiona! Fiona? Oh, no. Better out than in, I always say. No, no, no! It's okay. It's gonna be all right. Stop! Hey, wait! Donkey. Donkey! Wake up! Dada! Shrek! Are you okay? I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happen? Allow me to explain. When a man has feelings for a woman... ...a powerful urge sweeps over him. I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. How does it happen? And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon When you coming home, son? I don't know when But we'll get together then, Dad. Donkey! Oan you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? You know I love Fiona, boss. Right? What I am talking about is you, me, my cousin's boat... ...an ice

cold pitcher of mojitos and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Don't listen to him! Having a baby isn't going to ruin your life. It's not my life I'm worried about ruining, it's the kid's . When have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an ogre" ... ...or " as nurturing as an ogre" ... ...or "You'll love my dad. He's a real ogre." Okay. I get it. It's not going to be easy. But you got us to help you. That's true. I'm doomed. You'll be fine. You're finished. Uh, with yourjourney. "Wor-ces-ters-shiree" ? Now that sounds fancy! It's Worcestershire. Like the sauce? It's spicy! They must be expecting us. What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. High school? Ready? Okay! Wherefore art thou headed, to the top? Yeah, we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay, we thinkst not, we thinkst not! All right, Mr. Percival, ease up on the reins. For lo, bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. I'm feeling nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! How did you receive wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of underpants? Let's just say some things are better left unsaid. So I was all like, " I'd rather get the black plague than go out with you." Oh, totally. Pardon me. Totally ew-eth. Yeah, totally. I just altered my character level to +3 superb-ability. Hi. We're looking for someone named... Who rolled a +9 dork spell and summoned the beast and his quadruped? I know you're busy not fitting in, but can you tell me where I can find Arthur? He's over there. There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a king or what? Sorry. Did you say you were looking for Arthur? That information is on a need-to-know basis. It's top secret! Now, gentlemen, let's away. To the showers! Greetings, Your Majesty. This is your lucky day. What are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? Giant mutant... You made a funny. Unhand me, monster! Stop squirming, Arthur. I'm not Arthur. I am Lancelot. That dork over there is Arthur. This is, like, totally embarrassing... ...but Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly. She thought perchance thou would ask her to the Homecoming Dance. Excuse me? Like, whatever. She's into college guys and mythical creatures. Oh, Arthur... ...come out, come out, wherever you are! You better run, you little punk no-goodniks! The days of Donkey Dumpy Drawers are over! Hold it. We're here for the mascot contest. We're here for the mascot contest, too. This is a costume? Worked on it all night long. Looks pretty real to me. If he were real, could I do this? Or this? If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful. Now watch this! That's quite enough, boys. Thank you to Professor Primbottom and his lecture... ...on "just say nay" . And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire hoozah... ...to the winner of our mascot contest, the... ...ogre? That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys at... ...whatever it is they're doing! This is all a bit unorthodox... Where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Hey, wait... Olassic. You should be ashamed of yourself! I didn't do it. They did. Please don't eat me. Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! I'm not here to eat him! Time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. What? Artie a king? More like the Mayor of Loserville! Burn. Is this for real? Absolutely. Olean out your locker, kid. You have a kingdom to run. So, wait...l'm really the only heir? The one and only. Give me a second. My good people... ...there's a lesson here for all of us. Next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, stop and think, " Hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Cause maybe... just maybe... ...this guy's gonna turn out to be, I don't know, a king? Maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him." I'm looking at you, jousting team! And Guin? Oh,

Guin. I've always loved you. Good friends, it breaks my heart, but... ...enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world! Okay, let's not overdo it. I'm building my city, people... on rock 'n ' roll! You just overdid it. Look at you! You look darling. Just precious. Look at her. Any cravings since you got pregnant? No. Not at all. Do you smell ham? It's present time! Fiona, please open mine first. It's the one in front. " Oongratulations on your new mess mak..." Oh, mess maker! " Hopefully this helps. Love, Oinderella." Look at that! What is it? It's for the poopies. Wait... babies poop? Everyone poops, Beauty. Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present, too. Ta-da! You know the baby will love it, because I do! Guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Who's this one from? I got you the biggest one, because I love you most. " Have one on me. Love, Snow White." What is it? He's a live-in babysitter. Where's the baby? You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. It's nothing. I have six more at home. What does he do? Oleaning. Feeding. Burping. So, what are Shrek and I supposed to do? Work on your marriage. Thanks, Rapunzel. What's that supposed to mean? Oome on now, Fiona. You know what happens. You're tired all the time. You start letting yourself go. Stretch marks. Say goodbye to romance. I'm sorry, but how many of you have kids? She's right! A baby will only strengthen the love Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? When he first found out, Shrek said... Onward, my new friends! To our happily ever afters! Now... bombs away! Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. His name's not Peter. Shut it, Wendy. Enough pillaging! To the castle! You go! Take care of the baby! Everybody stay calm! We're going to die! Everyone in! Now! Oome on! Put some back into it! We don't have time. Now go! Quickly, ladies! We'll hold them off as long as we can! Where are Shrek and Fiona? The name doesn't ring a bell. No bell. I suggest you freaks cooperate... ...with the new King of Far Far Away! The only thing you're ever gonna be king of is King of the Stupids! Hook! Right! Avast, ye cookie. Start talking. Gingy! Papa! Settle down now. On the good ship Lollipop It's a sweet trip to the candy shop You! You can't lie. So tell me, puppet... where is Shrek? Well... I don't know where he's not. You don't know where Shrek is? It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume... ...that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. So you do know where he is! On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty... Stop it! ...I do not know where he shouldn't be. If that indeed wasn't where he isn't . Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean... On the good ship Lollipop Enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! He's bringing back the next heir? No! Hook! Get rid of this new " King" . But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. He'll never fall for your tricks! Oh, boy. I can't believe it. Me, a king? I knew I came from royalty, but... ...I figured everyone forgot about me. Oh, no. In fact the King asked for you personally. Really? Wow. But I know it's not all fun and games. It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. This is going to be huge. Parties, princesses, castles. Princesses. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. The finest chefs will wait for your order. And fortunately, you'll have the royal food tasters. What do they do? Taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. Poisoned? Or too salty. Don't worry. Your bodyguards will keep you safe. All of them willing at a moment's notice to lay down their lives out of devotion to you. Really? The whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Make sure they don't die of famine! Or plague. Plague is

bad. The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Festering sores! You are one funny kitty cat. What did I say? We don't want Artie getting the wrong idea. Artie? There goes my hip! Artie! What are you doing? What does it look like?! This really isn't up to you. I don't know anything about being king! You'll learn on the job! Sorry, but I'm going back. Back to what? Being a loser? Now look what you did! Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel, chief? Shrek! Land ho! How humiliating. Oh, nice going, Your Highness. Now it's "Your Highness" ? What happened to " loser" ? If you think this is getting you out of anything, it isn't . We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another... ...and you're going to be a father! What? You just said "father" . King! You're going to be king! "You're going to be king!" Yeah, right. Where are you going? Far Far Away... from you! Get back here, young man! Boss? I don't think he's coming back. Maybe it's for the best. He's not exactly king material. When did you plan to tell him you were supposed to be king? Oome on. Why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Then change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with him. You're right, Donkey. What about this? Shrek! Oome on. It's just a joke. Still... Listen, Artie. If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof. But what I am screamin' is, yo... ...check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! If it doesn't groove, or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', say, " Oh, no, you didn't ! You're getting on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's ... I'll know it's wack! Help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me! Artie, wait. Oome on! Help! Hello? Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare to... I knew I should have got that warranty! Mr. Merlin? You know this guy? Yeah. He was the school magic teacher, until he had his nervous breakdown. Technically, I was merely a victim of a level 3 fatigue. At the request of my therapist, and the school authorities, I retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Oan I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? Uh, no. Sure you don't want to try my Rock Au Gratin? It's organic. Thanks. I ate a boulder on the way in. We need directions to Far Far Away. "We" ? Who said I was going with you? I did. People are counting on you, so don't try to weasel out of it. If the job's so great, you do it. Understand this, kid. No more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out. That was your Mr. Nice Guy? Yeah, and I'm going to miss him. Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone! Was that a crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away... ...before I kick it there! Now, which way am I kicking? I could tell you, but since you're in the midst of a self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible. Self-destructive...? Are you going to help us or not? Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul! I don't think so. It's either that or primal scream therapy. All right. Journey to the soul. Now, all of you, look into the Fire of Truth and tell me what you see. Ooh, charades! Okay, I see a Dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls! Okay, monster... go for it. I see a rainbow pony. Excellent work! Now the boy. This is lame. You're lame! Now just go for it. Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Yes! Stay with it! The dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It's going to fall! Proper head case you are. Really messed up. Okay, I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Look, Artie, um... Just thought I'd help set the mood... ...for your big heart-to-heart chat. I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Even ogres get scared. You know... once in a while. I know you want me to be king, but I can't . I'm not cut out for it,

and I never will be. Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school first chance he got... ...and I never heard from him again. My dad wasn't really the fatherly type, either. I doubt he was worse than mine. Oh, yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. I guess I should have realized it. He bathed me in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. I guess that's pretty bad. It may be hard to believe, what, with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are. You know... you're okay, Shrek. You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Thanks, Artie. The soap's because you stink... really bad. Yeah... I got that. This place is filthy! I feel like a hobo. I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me. Everything's always about you. It's not like your attitude is helping. Maybe itjust bothers you I was voted fairest in the land. You mean in that rigged election? Give me a break. " Rapunzel, Rapunzel... ...let down thy golden extensions!" Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together! So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stinkhole until we rot. No, we get inside and find out what Oharming's up to. I know he's a jerk and everything, but that Oharming makes me hotter than July. That's it! Oome on! This way! Rapunzel, wait! Oharming, let go of her. But why would I want to do that? What? Say hello, ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Rapunzel, how could you? Jealous much? Soon you'll be back where you started, scrubbing floors or locked away in towers. That is, if I let you last the week. Pookie, you promised not to hurt them. Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us. We have a show to put on. Shrek will be back soon, and you'll be sorry. Sorry?! Don't you realize once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away... ...he's doomed? Look out! They got a piano! Kill them all... except the fat one. King Oharming has something special in mind for you, ogre. King Oharming? Attack! Artie, duck! Ready the plank! Shrek! Help! Oowards! What has Oharming done with Fiona? She's going to get what's coming to her. And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! We've got to save her. But she's so far far away! Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. No, Shrek. Hold on. I've got an idea. I am a buzzing bee. Mr. Merlin? They need a spell to get them... ...I mean us, back to Far Far Away. Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic. Please. I know you can do it. I said forget it! But... What's with you? It's just so hard, you know? They need to get back, cause their kingdom's in trouble. Cause there's a really bad man. It's just so hard! Take it easy. No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people. Have a heart, old man. They really need your help to get back. Why won't you help them?! Okay. I'll go get my things. Piece of cake. Well, well. You want eggs with that ham? I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. Side effects? Don't worry. Whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful, it will wear off eventually. I think. Oops. You sure about this? If Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't cover... Alacritious expeditious... ...a-zoomy-zoom-zoom! Let's help our friends get back... ...soon! It worked! I haven't been on a trip like that since college! Donkey? What? Is something in my teeth? Oh, no! I've been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feastin', second-rate sidekick! At least you don't look like some kind of bloated pi�ata! You should think about going on a diet! You should get yourself a pair of pants. I feel all exposed and nasty! So you two think this is funny? I'm really sorry, guys. Don't be. You got us back, kid. How in the Hans Ohristian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots?

Hey, hey, hey! Be very careful with those. They were made in Madrid by the finest... You'll learn to control that. Seriously. Ow! You need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. Watch it. I'm walking here and I'm gonna keep going until... Pinocchio! Shrek! Help me! What happened? Oharming and the villains took over! Fiona and the Princesses got away. Now she's ... She's what?! What?! Puss! Loan me five bucks. You heard him. Help the brother out. Do you see any pockets on me? Hold on a second. I had no idea, really. I... I swear. Quick! Where is Fiona? Oharming has her locked away someplace. You have to find him! He's probably getting ready for the show! Wait, Pinocchio! What show? " It's a Happily Ever After After All" . " Shrek's final performance" ? Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play! I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it. The ogre! Get him! Don't worry, jefe. I got this. Uck! Kill it! Look. Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you! We're dealing with amateurs. He's a star, people! Hello? I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Shrek. I'm going to lose it! Is everything ready? You did get the list for the dressing room? Breakfast croissant stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. And I hope you have the saffron corn with jalapeno honey butter. Our client cannot get into his proper emotional state withoutjalapeno honey butter! I just lost it. They should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise! "With this sword, I do..." No. "With..." "With this sword, I do smote thee!" Is " smote" the right word? " Smoot" ? I don't think that's a word. Maybe I should just " smite" him. Let's try this again. Now... Shrek attacks me. I pretend to be afraid. " Now the kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve. Die, ogre!" Blah, blah, blah. Oh, itjust doesn't feel real enough! Who told you to stop dancing?! Wink and turn. What are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly! Our happily ever after is nearly complete, Mummy. And I assure you... ...the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second... ...we've had to wait. Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you. Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. Where's Fiona? Don't worry. She and the others are safe... for now. Let me guess. Arthur. It's Artie, actually. This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? How pathetic. Stand still, so I won't make a mess. Oharming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be king, right? You weren't really next in line for the throne. I was. But you said the King asked for me personally. Not exactly. What does that mean? I said whatever I had to say, all right? I wasn't right for the job, so I needed some fool to replace me. And you fit the bill. So just go! You were playing me the whole time. You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. You know, for a minute... ...I actually thought... What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Leave me out with the waste This is not what I do It's the wrong time She's pulling me through It's a small crime And I got no excuse And is that all right, yeah? Is that all right with you? Is that all right, yeah? If I give my gun away when it's loaded? If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it? Is that all right? Is that all right? Is that all right with you? No. Had we stayed put like I suggested, we'd be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups. Yeah, heart-shaped cups. And eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. Yeah, loganberries. Shut up, Oindy. Yeah, shut up. No, you shut up. Stay out of this. Who cares who's " running the kingdom" ? I care. You should all care. I have your badge number, tin can! Donkey? Princess! Puss? I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. And I'm me! But you're... Everything's fruity in the loops, but what happened is we went to high school, the boat crashed and we got

bippity-boppity-booped by the magic man. You poor sweet things. I don't get it. The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? Who dat? Where's Shrek? Oharming has him. He plans to kill Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom! All right, everyone. We need to find a way out now. You're right. Ladies, assume the position! What are you doing? Waiting to be rescued. You've got to be kidding me. What else can we do? We're just four... ...I mean three, super-hot princesses... ...two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady! Excuse me. Old lady coming through. Mom! You didn't think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Excuse me. There's still one more. Why don't you just lie down? Okay, girls, from here on out... ...we take care of business ourselves. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present... ..."It's A Happily Ever After After AII." Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen. Oi! No food or beverages in the theater! Places, everyone! Easy! Sorry. I was showing off for the little one. It's Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Oome here, beautiful. Well, she's got your eye. Who would have thought a monster like me deserved something as special as you? Little birdies, take wing Flitting down from the trees they appear And to chirp in my ear All because I sing Move it! Go! My babies! Help! Hey, how's it goin' O to the K. The coast is clear. Let's do this. Go, Team Dynamite! I thought we agreed to use the name Team Super Oool. I recall it was Team Awesome. I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. Okay! From henceforth, we will be Team Alpha Super Awesome Oool Dynamite Wolf Squadron. Ach de liebe! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Artie! Wait, wait! Where is the fire, se�or? Please. Don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on and kept it to yourselves. It's not like it seems. It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all. Using you? You really don't get it. Shrek only said those things to protect you. Oharming was going to kill you, Artie! Shrek saved your life. Oue the spot! I wait alone up here I'm trapped another day Locked up here, please set me free My new life I almost see A castle, you and me Yes, a castle, you and me Oherubs! Tis I, Tis I Upon my regal steed Princess, my love At last you shall be freed I'm strong And brave And dashing my way there With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair! - Through the blistering desert Hot! - Across the stormiest sea Wet! Facing creatures so vile Foul! So you can gaze upon me! I knew you'd come for me And now we finally meet I knew you'd wait And from my plate of love you'd eat Who is this terribly ugly fiend Who so rudely intervened? Will Charming fight or flee? Please rescue me! From this monstrosity! Fear thee not, honey lamb! I will slice this thing up like a ham! Oh, boy. You are about to enter a world of pain With which you are not familiar! It can't be any more painful than your lousy performance. " Prepare, foul beast." Prepare, foul beast, your time is done! Oould you kill me and then sing? Be quiet! I'm just having fun with you. That's actually a very nice leotard. Thank you. Do they come in men's sizes? Now that be funny! Enough! Now you'll finally know what it's like... ...to have everything you worked for... ...everything that's precious to you, taken away. Now you'll know how I felt. Sausage roll! Pray for mercy from Puss! And Donkey! D Hi, honey. Sorry we're late. You okay? Much better, now that you're here. So, Oharming, you want to let me out of these so we can settle this ogre-to-man? Ooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea. No! Let go of me! You will not ruin things this time, ogre. Kill it. Everybody, stop! Oh, what is it now?! Artie? Who thinks we need to settle things this way? You mean you want to be villains your whole lives? But we are villains! It's the only thing we know. You never wish you could be something else? Easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. You morons! Don't listen to him!

Attack! What Steve means is it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. Right. Thanks, Ed. Fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know... ...a good friend once told me... ...just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... ...orjust some loser... ...doesn't mean you are one. What matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want, or someone you want to be... ...the only person standing in your way is you. Me? Get him! No, no, no! What I mean is each of you... ...is standing in your own way. I always wanted to play the flute. I'd like to open up a spa... in France! I grow daffodils. And they're beautiful. A new era finally begins! Now all of you... ...bow before your King! You need to work on your aim. This was supposed to be my happily ever after! Well, you need to keep looking... ...because I'm not giving up mine. Mommy? It's yours if you want it. But this time it's your choice. Author! Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie! Excuse me. That's my seat. Okay, Se�or Hocusy-Pocusy, the time has come to rectify some wrongs! Though I have been enjoying these cat baths. Please say you didn't . All right! Look. You'll feel a pinch and possibly lower intestinal discomfort... ...but this should do the trick. Are you...? I'm me again! And I am not you! All right! Oops. Ah, never mind. What did I tell you? The kid's going to be a great king. Well, for what it's worth, you would have, too. I have something much more important in mind. Finally. Dada. Was I wrong about the world? It's a beautiful new place I smell Shrek Junior! Where else could a creep like me Meet such a pretty face Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! A bouncy, bouncy, boy! Used to always feel like Wished that I was dressed better Where's the baby? Never had a lot of luck Until I finally met her Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done My losing streak is done Well... what shall we do now? I got it. Puss and Donkey, baby! Once again, come on! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! Look at my hips! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! Break it down! Let's go! Stiff all in the collar Fluffy in the face Chit chat chatter trying Stuffy in the place Thank you for the par-tay But I could never stay I'm sorry. I got many things on my mind But the word's in the way And I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Different strokes for different folks Thank you for letting me be myself Again Break it down! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Dance to the music All night long Everyday people Sing a simple song Mama's so happy Mama start to cry Papa's still singing You can make it if you try So try! Thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you for letting me be myself Again Oome on, Donkey. Do something right! Put the hoofs together! Put the hoofs together! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Thank you for letting me be myself Again I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you, thank you, thank you. Want to thank you Just to be my Because I just want to be my... See? Can I, can I thank you! Can I Yes! Yes!

Omg

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shesawriter39049 · 5 years

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|STAY|HOSEOK| M|

( Not saying this fits his mood necessarily he just looks fine and boyfriend as fuck!)

PURE SMUT with like...a lil plot and two percent angst, your mad for like a NANOSECOND!

FWB situation

Warnings: Daddy kink...sorry not sorry it’s Hoseok..HE DESERVES IT! Light dom Hoseok, light split play, a little thigh riding, fingering, semi public sex, vouyersim, dirty talk, creme pie (stay safe kids) slight over stiumlation, power bottom Hoseok...Side Namjoon kinda but not really...just read...

“Daddy’s coffee is here!!” You mused playfully amongst noticing Namjoon wasn’t in the room, yet he barely acknowledged you ,only turning his head slightly. Looking less than amused and or excited to see you, only glancing over long enough to let you know he heard you before continuing with whatever he was doing.

“Oh?” Brow quirked in nothing but annoyance considering the time and the fact that you literally got out of bed and but on clothes JUST because he wanted you too. Sauntering over in his direction “Really? I can’t get as much as a Hi? A thank you? Nothing!? Not even after you texted me late at night as if there was some dire emergency asking me to bring the two of you Starbucks!? “

Hands placed firm over your chest, your frustration turned to straight pouting once he finally turned to look at you. Hair messy and slightly wavy as he sat there in nothing but an oversized white shirt and sweats. Looking fine as fuck but, no, no you were angry..not turned on..angry! Licking his lips slowly as he reclined slightly in his chair, dusting his fingers through his hair before placing his phone on top of the desk.

He didn't say anything initially, but the air of fondness that danced within his eyes eased your frustration slightly. “Your right, I’m sorry... thank you baby” The smile he gave you was short, and forced...you did NOT like it..not one bit nor were you a fan of the fact that you just realized he’s been here damn near 12 hours!

“What’s wrong? Tired?” Bringing your voice down to a more tranquil tenor as you stroked your fingers through his hair. Only sparing you a nod in response. “Mmmkay...stressed?” Soothing your hand down the side of his neck, massaging his shoulders slightly, the tension more than evident while he tried not to wince at the contact. His shoulders were where he carried all of his stress...always, and yes, you guessed it..meet with silence again...just another slow nod of the head.

A loud huff ripped from your chest at that because he was full of actual shit at this point “Okay so what? Were adding lying into the brigade of whatever this…”thing” is the two of us have Hoseok?!?” You couldn't even help the slight elevation in your tone at this point you were just getting frustrated, and yes...More. Fucking .Silence, why did you get out of the bed and bring this little shit coffe again??

“Fine whatever, fuck it, if you don’t wanna talk that’s fine, your coffees up there, I’m leav-” Just as you went to walk away he yanked you back in his direction. Scoping you onto his lap to rest on the lower half of his thighs, a squeal slipping past your lips with how quickly he spun you around.

Body instantly melting into his with zero hesitation,no matter how frustrated you were only seconds prior, your body always seemed to betray you when it comes to Jung Hoseok. Hands instantly finding their way under your dress, palming at your ass, slowly soothing his hands up and down your skin as if your ass was some sort of stress relief ball. Squeezing the curve of your cheek, guiding you to grind down against him, you weren't wearing underwear because you planned to drop the coffee off and jump right back into bed. Low moans slipped off your tongue while your lips spreading over his clothed thigh. Bring one hand up to cradle the back of your neck, pressing your forehead to his, teasing at your bottom lip with his tongue.

“I’m not lying ..you just didn't ask all the right questions…”

Lips melting into yours as he waved his tongue into your mouth, there was no build up or warning just him swallowing every moan that fell from your lips as he continued grinding your hips against his thigh.Kissing you slow and deep, letting his tongue explore every inch of your mouth as if it was his first time tasting you. Sucking, swirling, licking his way around until he had you damn near clawing at his shirt chasing after his lips..needing more..always needing more .

“God, I can already feel how wet you are, your soaking through my pants baby…” You could feel him smiling into the kiss as he dug his nails into the curve of your ass. “This is all I could think about..all damn day…” Words coming out in a slurr of moans against your tongue, while the hand that was cupping your ass moved down to tease up your lips.

Slowly slicking his fingers up and down your folds, pinching your clit between his index and thumb making you shudder above him. A smirk tugging on his lips, using your own arousal to coat his fingers “Lift your ass up a little baby..” Sliding two fingers in knuckle deep all in one notion, pumping them in and out at a steady pace, clearly not in the mood to tease tonight. The moans spilling from our lips only got stronger as you started grinding into his palm. Every whine that slipped past your tongue was met by one of his own, nothing turned Hoseok on more than getting you off. Nothing.

“I’m sitting here with Joon trying to write lyrics and all I can think about is how good my dick feels wrapped around this wet little pussy of yours. The fact that two days feels like 6 months...I’ve been going fucking insane!” Just the mention of that alone has you a moaning mess, all the memories flooding into your head as we speak. This man is the reason all your vacation time is gone but you can’t complain..he flew you out a week ago and you’ve barely been able to walk since. He’s litterally been fucking you damn near 2-3 times a day except as he said the past two..he’s been swamped in the studio and brain dead once he get’s home.

“You know I wake up craving your pussy now? Every damn morning I need it..fuck I need it soo bad…” God was he whining at this point? Sucking your bottom lip into his mouth, flicking at your tongue with his own before sucking that between his lips as well!

“ I Don’t know what I’m gonna do with myself when you leave.. my hand can’t compare to this! How warm and tight you are, fuck your so tight baby..even just around daddys fingers fuck! “ A growl ripped from his throat at that which only made you clench down around him even tighter.

“Yes, yes, fuck...yes…” Slipped past your tongue as he worked another in finger curling them forward, as your walls milked each and every one of them.

“God you look so good when I fuck you..” Grinding his hips up into yours letting you feel how hard he was, clearly not wearing underwear, printing your hand down to palm him through his sweats. The feeling of him throbbing underneath the fabric had you dripping down your thighs. ‘Pull it out baby….” Just as you slipped your hand through the fly on his sweats a thought sprung into your head.

“Wait ..when’s Joon coming back..” Pulling back from his slightly, suddenly remembering where the fuck you where. Leaning up to sink his teeth into your bottom lip as he curled his fingers even dipper between your heat, ripping a brittle cry from your throat.

“Pull.It.Out.” There wasn't an elevation in tone per say, but the character got darker,the dominance that he was able to hide so well rolled off your tongue and had you ready to come from the grit in his voice alone.

Letting him spring free from the restraint of his sweatpants, he was damn near rock hard you really didn't need to do shit but you wanted to. Pulling back to spit on his tip, using that in combination with the pre cum to work his lengeth. Sliding the lubricant down his shaft , as you worked him in your hand, twisting your wrist up and down rom base to tip, fluctuating pressure as you worked. Working his tip with your thumb,low breathy, almost needy moans slipped from his throat and against your tongue. The sound of hoseok falling apart was the sexiest thing you’d ever heard, never shy when it comes to how you make him feel.

‘Fuck me..” Two words..those two words sent chills down your entire body,as he freed his fingers from you. Taking his length into your hand, as you scooted forward a little, stroking his tip up and down your lips. Coating him even more in your juices, until his hand whipped across your ass, ripping a loud shrek from your throat from the impact. It didin’t help that he was wearing a fist full of rings either, and you felt every last one of them! Not even bothering to sooth your skin with his palm after, just left you completely throbbing.

“I said fuck...not tease…” Bucking his hips into slightly ,while you rose up a little, positioning him right at our entrance sinking down until his tip disappeared between your lips.

“Oh my god..” ripped from both of your throats at how tight you still we're..bringing his hand down to circle your clit as you slowly bounced your way down. Taking him in inch by inch tilting your hips up and down slightly every time allowing you to get use to the stretch a little quicker. But it was also making your grip on his cock almost unbearable, your walls clenching with no release, you could feel him pulsing inside of you as you finally sunk down completely.

“Hoseok…Hoseok...fuck..”You didint even know what you were calling him for honestly, you felt like you could barley breathe you were so full. One hand coming back up to your jaw, rubbing the hinge with his thumb, while the other dug into your hips bringing his lips down to place wet open mouth kisses down the side of your neck. Slowly, very slowly you started grinding your hips against his, rolling backwards deep and slow, so you felt everything, fuck you felt everything. Even though he said “Fuck me” he wans’t the type to just sit here, rolling his hips unward ever so slightly but enough for you to feel the impact.

Meeting your hips at every roll , leaning up to kiss you neck again “Baby…” Every roll of your hips in combination with his had you getting closer and closer. It was insane what he could do to your body. You’d ever been onet o be able to get off without some sort of clit stimulation eyet you felt like you were so damn close to coming all over his dick within moments. “You feel soo good..so fuckin good...” No matter how wrecked you were you loved how winded he sounds, though he was better at keeping physical composer his voice let you know you were hitting every spot right.

Hoseok knew your body like the back of his hand which was one of your favorite things about him, slipping his fingers past his tongue before bringing them down to your clit. Applying steady pressure as you started to actually bounce against his length. Tilting the back of your hips slightly as you raised up and slammed back down, the shift in weight adding a deeper angle every time your walls caressed his cock.

Your cries were not even coherent right now, they never were when it came to him, always had you babbling mindlessly “God you feel soo good, I’m so close fuckkkk…” He could feel your hips starting to give out, though he had to give credit where credits due..you had damn good stamina.

“Yea? You gonna come for me baby? Gonna come all over daddy’s cock?” accepting your breathy whine as a answer..because that was the best you could do….

Guiding his hands away from your clit and over to your waist “Just fuck me ple-” You didint even have time to get it out before his thumbs were digging into your skin and his hips were slamming up into you. Morphing himself deep within your walls, yet he wasn’t a just thrusting up into you he was actually rolling his hips. Directing all of his weight down into his thighs, as he edged himself off the chair ever so slightly to anchor his hips. Allowing his pelvis to come flesh with yours as he tilted his hips upward, reclining his back into his seat to give him the support and leverage he needed. “Oh my god, oh my go-” Bringing your own hand down to circle your clit… as your body waved in synch with his.

The things this man could do with his hips good lord “Yeah? Right there baby?” You could already hear the smirk in his voice he knew..he could feel that he was hitting it right...yet you were too far gone to be a smart ass.

“Fuck yes, right there….” Throwing your head back slightly as your eyes squeezed shut, the familiar feeling starting to pool in the pit of your stomach again. Digging your nails into the base of his shoulders...

“Hey Hoseok did-”

You swore he damn near choked once he looked over, to be honest the two of you were pretty much fully clothed but there was nothing discreet about what was going on. More importantly Hoseok didn't stop fucking you and and you didint stop stroking your clit. A slight smirk tugging on the corners of your lips as you looked down at Hoseok.

“I’m fuck-Sorry-” Just as he went to pratically run for the door...

“You can- You can stay if you want Joon…fuck, that’s it baby..that’s it” Hoseok breathed out between thrusts as he felt your walls tighen around him.

“Fuck-fuck-fuck daddy Im-”The neediest whine immaginable ripped from your thoat as you came body trembling, head dropping into the crook of his neck. …

Brining a hand up to caress the back of your head, as you panted into his skin, your own arousal dripping it’s way down to his balls. Praises fell from his tongue repeatedly as you shuddered around him, bringing a hand of your own over to claw at the thin fabric of his shirt. Needing some sort of an anchor as you felt as though you had zero control over your own body right now.

“So good..always soo good for me...”

The added slickness in combination to how hard your walls are pulsing is only sending him closer to where he needs to be. Not slowing his thrust down for even a second no matter how hard your trembling on top of him. Continuously bouncing you against his lap, it was too much but it felt soo good, still edging your clit just at a much slower pace. Loving how your sensitivity was ripping every ounce of self control away from the man benthe you.

“Come for me for... I want your cum dripping out of me when I leave daddy please, please come inside me…” Purred from your lips as you lapped your tongue up the side of his jaw, purposely tightening your walls against him at this point! Far too consumed in the immense pleasure around you to know if Namjoon left or not…Especially with how loud Hoseok was moaning into your hair right now, fuck you were kinda hoping something was recoring this entire time.. He sounds so good, so damn good!

“Oh fuckkk…” That is ....until you heard another breathy moan that you knew wasn't Hoseok…

A low chuckle vibrated against your chest at that “I guess he chose to stay....” You could feel his hips start to slow down significantly as he pulled your face away from his neck “You think you can come again for me baby?” flicking at your bottom lip with his thumb, which you instantly sucked into your mouth. Lapping your tongue around his finger, lashes fluttering over in Namjoons direction before dropping your gaze back down to Hoseok. A smirk tugging at the corners of his lips, as he slowly drug this thumb away from your tongue and down your bottom lip.

“I’ll take that as a yes...”

IDK...IDK WHERE THIS CAME FROM I JUST MISSED WRITING ABOUT HOSEOK OKAY!!!?

Lol if you liked it..”Like” it comment.... come lemme know…ALWAYS down for prompt ideas (No promises when they will be up though but feel free)

****ALSO ...debating writing more with this pair..smut and maybe a lil fluff..since I mentioned he flew his FWB out...****** Maybe??

LOVE YOU GUYS AS ALWAYS !

ROCKI!

#hoseok #hoseok smut #jhope #jhope smut #bts #bts smut #kpop #kpop smut #hoseok one shot #hoseok imagines #bts imagines

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graceeast · 3 years

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Chapter 2

Part 14

This is a joke NSFW 18+

Today Kim came up to me and A-aron and told us that her and Karen are going to see Hannah Montana in concert. I was like yo Hannah Montana is my jam! They said they were going to hard core marathon all the shows ever made because you know you got to have the #bestofbothworlds. A-Aron and I thought it was a good idea for Karen and Kim a night to themselves.

Later I went shopping with my mom she asked me what I wanted I replied with my usual watermalon! She then asked me what else I wanted I said I dont know yellow is my favorite flavor. So she grabbed a lemon I said no you stupid bitch I said yellow. So she finally got the hint and got a box of just yellow crayons.

That night I played Wii bowling with my bro A-Aron and I was like get good scrub you bowl like your mom and he said it be like that sometimes. Then we got high #hugsnotdrugs #brosfohoes #instaverified. Anyway since kim has had her kids her tits are like #nexleval I wish she would call me daddy 🤤

Part 15

Since the girls are going out tonight A-Aron and I have to take care of the babies. #notavibe but I will still help him apparently his kid Jim said his first words they were "shove it Karen jr. #fuckit" we could not be more proud of him!

I hope A-Aron and I can raise these kids just as good a Sanic and Shrek raised their kids. Each of Sanic and Shreks kids have their own swamps that's what I call very successful.

Meanwhile at the concert Karen passed out from drinking too much and Kim is half naked and Karona is dancing on stage with Hannah Montana and Milly Cyrus herself it was very hardcore.

Part 16

Karona fell off the stage but it's ok because Billy Rae Cyrus caught her. They looked deep into each others eyes until rudely interrupted by Karen . "Excuse me!" Karen exclaimed. The Billy and her eyes locked he straight up yeeted Karona and they had some premarital kissing. Gross!

That day A-Aron texted me. "You ready to rob a bank?" I was like WTF A-Aron did you take your ADHD medication. He was like "I thought we were bros weather I took my meds or not!" "But to be honest I didn't" I said you should probably do that we will talk later. A-Aron than says "I love you bro no homo"

The girls had fun at the concert but Karona is still a little upset that Karen stole Billy from her. But they made up since Karen said "he's horrible kisser I ended up complaining to his manager Hannah Montana about it!" "And we broke up." Karona was glad she dodged a bullet with that one thank our lord and savior Dr. Phil

Part 17

A-Aron and I have to clean his room today apparently I cause 90% of the messes. Anyway his room has a white boy white sanfransico vibe to it, it has several posters of pokeman. It also have posters of big time rush. After picking up his several pairs of board shorts we are lunch which of course was case of dillos #cultured.

Karen jr. Finally learned how to complain to the manager today since we went to friendlies and she got the wrong ice cream. Jim said shut the F up Karen and Boe just minded his own business.

I cant believe Karen won the presidency! Surprisingly since she was going against Bloomerberg. Science he is an old white man and she is a black Mexican. She didn't have a great chance but she made it. She is going to make America love shrek again.

Part 18

In Chillerys class today we were listening to one of those educational songs and low key I got turnt as hell listening to it. Later I ended up buying it on iTunes for my blue totally awesome ipod shuffle. I listened to it only 600 more times. I even made a dance to it to show Chillery tomorrow in class.

We all stood up and said the pledge of the memeist then saluted the flag with Shrek on it with our middle finger as it is the way he would want it. Then we said long live our president Karen amen 🙏. Then we all dabbed and coughed in each other's faces.

That night Aaron, his family and I went to the cheesecake factory and we ate like kings. It was very good till I got home and had explosive diariah every where. Gross.

Part 19

Today I started talking to Korona cause she a cutie. She and I decided to go on a online date on roblox since that game bops. Anyway we were thinking about going to Mac Daddys for dinner on Friday I'm excited! Except when we got there Mac Daddys was closed so we had to hard-core hand job and then well you can only imagine what happened next. Its closed because of of the pepperona.

But its ok because I got quarantined with her which was nice because we did a lot of HBO and chill. We take a couple hits of the mareajowana. She is my Quranqueen.

School is online now and Chillery was talking to us then all of the sudden there was a loud noise. "What was that" Chillery yelled. A-aron raised his hand and said sorry that was me I dropped my iPad. "I soiled my depends" Chillery exclaimed. I than said Sah bro to him and Chillery yelled shut the F up. Whoh Chillery has no chill.

That night I went home and I printed off some black and white nudes for my sweet heart KTVSPN4 I hope she likes them.

Part 20

Today in school a new student came on line her name is Cardi B. All of the sudden someone who had been quiet all day raised their hand. What is it asked Carol Baskin our art teacher. "Yes, is that short for something?" Cardis cheeks turned bright red she hung her head and embarrassed and said "it's short for Carigan Backyardagain" thewhole class laughed. Carol said if we don't stop she would feed us to tigers so we shut right up.

Today after classes Karona came over we had sex and I was pretty sure I tore my rectum. But you know what they say chuck it in the fuck it bucket. Also #worthit. She enjoyed it which is good because we don't waste. Especially seman and hot pickles oh my goodness after eating one of those and watching the hot pickle movie 🤤. Hot pickle I need to repent.

The next day A-aron was down and before class Skyped my friend group apparently Karen Jr. Was getting to be a handful. Thankfully Karona is into all of the astrology stuff and a-aron yelled "what can you tell me about scoripos?" The answer was simple don't be a donter...

Chapter 21

I got home and listened to Thomas the dank engine. Then all of the sudden Korona called me. "Honey you know how we had 69 on 4/20?" Yes I answered "well I'm #tomato sauce" what? "I'm sorry I'm prego" she exclaimed I said it was going to be ok and we would figure it out. "Wow you are the best" she said.

That next day in music class we had a project to write a song about someone who inspired us. Danny Devito went first "yes this is a song about me." He said he went on singing -"this won't make us fall there is still one man we can call, Danny Devito the one that we need oh" it was very catchy. The teacher wasn't pleased but it was better then kims song about Carol Baskin.

I'm so happy Karona is prego, today we find out the gender of our baby. Turns out its a girl we are going to name her corona lite extra. I can't wait until our beautiful baby is born!

The next day in class Carole was singing about her husband it was very sus talking about sardine oil on her husband. And something about tigers and how they be snacking on his meat I don't think in a good way. Anyway big yikes.

We had a baby shower for Karona of course on the internet dont want this weird virus. She got a onsie it said dada on it I can't wait for our baby to wear it.

Part 22

A-aron sent me a link last night it said under the link "looks like you" I of course clicked on it and you will never guess what happened. It brought me to a separate video I watched it there was some unmentionable stuff happening in it, I texted A-aron and said "I think that video gave me cancer" he texted "Thanks Obama!"

The baby is due next month and we couldn't be happier we decided that when its born we are not going to vaccinate our child because autism. Dont want our kid to be messed up for life. We are going to be using natural oils and food made from home and of course cloth diapers. Got to make sure she is perfect.

At lunch I was telling A-aron our plan he completely agreed that autism is way worse than being susptible to the flu or polio he said they didn't get Karen Jr. Vaccinated and she has only gotten small pox once and the flu 4 times since she has been alive. To me thats worth it

👌 💯 😌 🙏

Karen started talking about "he own business on Facebook and is trying to get us to start our own. "It only takes one second to share" she sells essential oils.

" its called essential oils for a reason"

I bought some hoping that would shut her up but it did not. The next day she talking about betrayal on Facebook and how hard she is trying to sell this shit to everyone.

Just shut up no one wants your oils!

I'm so excited for Karona to have the baby any day now she will arrive and we will be so happy and a family.

Part 24

Karona went into labor in quarantine with me I delivered my own child! Like we said it is a girl so we will be naming her Karona extra light.

She was healthy and thank goodness 🙏 it was a home birth because hospitals are so disgusting and they might vaccinate her and we don't want that because everything we are doing is all natural. We are even using cloth diapers because the government expects you to use disposable but i just can't in good conscience do that to my sweet daughter.

Karona is nursing which is great because we are planning on nursing her till she is 5 because breast is best.

Part 25

Today on Facebook Karen posted one of her normal posts. "Does anyone have a truck I can borrow need to move a couch also if you could help me that would be great!." And "does anyone have any Bobby pins I can borrow?" "I'm so done with everything" "anyone want to buy essential oils and be a model for me for free?"

What a bitch just trying to get free stuff from people I never understood asking for stuff like that. Like a few things here and there but every day is kinda ridiculous. Plus who barrows Bobby pins like wtf. Like I'm pretty sure those are one time use.

Today Karen also asked me if I would sell essential oils for 10% of the profits. She also said using them could help me lose up to 10 pounds. She said it just takes 2000$ to start out but I'll earn it back next month.

Yeah right I'll earn it back never. I just told her I wasn't interested which she got really upset with. "You know you just lost me 300$!" -yeah I did the math 10% of 300 is 30. Dumb bitch oh well.

Part 26

Karona extra light started talking today apparently she is religious because first thing she said was you may be verified on Twitter but are you verified in the eyes of the lord.

I have had many conflicting feelings lately back in elementary I liked guys but now and then I liked both, but now I'm leaning more towards girls but I still sometimes have feelings for guys. Any way I'm just going to come out as Bi because I still like some guys but lean more towards females. I told Kim she was totally excepting.

Kim started a job at worst purchase today she said her day was so easy and they are actually paying her a good amount. I'm proud of who she is

But who am I is the question

Well now that I got it figured out my name is Atlas Consintine I am bi-sexaul and I'm still trying to figure it all out. I am a chillis employee that has gone through alot but I think its time for this saga of my journal to come to an end you see tomorrow is high school graduation and pretty soon I will be thinking about the next step in my life. Probably join the peace core or something. Ps simp means squirrels in my pants doesn't anyone remember Phineas and ferb. Anyway that's it for now journal until next time.

Atlas

#funny #fiction #short story

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fanfictionlive · 5 years

Text

Shrek x Squidward

I couldn’t help but stare as he waltzed into the Krusty Krab. I hate this job but this just made my day day so much brighter. His green skin and husky build made all of my tentacles tingle. “Can I get a Krabby Patty with extra onions, please?” He ordered. “Coming right up,” I responded. “Will that be all for today?” I tried my best to hide my attraction but I kept biting my lip and my cheeks were probably bright red. “Do you serve any desserts?” “No, but is there anything you had in mind? I can have it specially made just for you.” “Oh, well, in that case, how about some time with a cute little squid like yourself,” he glanced at my name tag and probably got a glimpse of my raging boner, too. “Squidward.” My heart began racing. The last time I was on a date it was with that annoying Patrick dressed up as Patty. What an upgrade this is. “Im Shrek, by the way,” he leaned in. “What do you say we hang out after your shift?” “Oh, absolutely. Pick me up here at 7.” I almost couldn’t contain my excitement. “I can’t wait to explore everyone of your tentacles, Squidward.” He replied with a sexy sly that could make anyone melt.

It was finally time. I changed out of my dingy brown shirt into a tight sleeveless mesh tank top—I wanted to look extra special for that hunk, Shrek. He pulled up in a shiny chariot. I would say I’m surprised but he already came off as such a sophisticated man. I made my way toward the fancy ride and was greeted by that sexy green stature I was longing for. “Well, hello there Squidward Sexypants,” Shrek complimented. “Hey, daddy.” Oh, no, was that too bold?! “Oh, getting a bit kinky already? I like where this is going.” He grabbed my hand and kissed it as he led me into the chariot. We rode for several miles and made good use of the time getting to know each other. He told me about his lavish life in Far Far Away and I told him about my passion for music and art; I even suggested he pose for one of my paintings one day. We had some serious chemistry brewing between us. I couldn’t wait to see what else was hiding under the surface of that t shirt and those shorts. “You know, I really am quite attracted to you, Squidward. Why don’t we stop the chariot to relax by the Goo Lagoon and really get to know each other?” “I’d love to,” I responded almost too eagerly. “It’s late so there will be no one around to interrupt us.” We stepped out of the chariot and made our way toward the sunset with our clasped tightly. Before we sat by the water and smoothly made his way towards my ass gave it a tight squeeze. God, he was such a bold man. Neither of us could contain our attraction and quickly, our lips were pressed together and our hands were exploring each other’s bodies. His hands are so big and strong, I felt so safe and turned on despite being in public. “Have you ever been with a guys before,” Shrek asked. “No,” I responded shyly. “But I ant wait for you to be my first. He grabbed two of my tentacles and pushed me onto the sand. “I hope you can handle a little dominance, baby boy.” I could feel his massive rod becoming harder up against my own. I don’t think I’ll be able to take all of him but just thinking about it was making me throb. Shrek forced onto my knees and began undoing his pants, slowly revealing his giant green member. My mouth watered as he grab it by the base and position it in my mouth. Soon, I was deep throating his enormous cock between gasps and teary eyes. “Use your suckers on my balls while you suck my cock, Squidward,” he was almost begging. It was a real confidence booster knowing how good I was making him feel. Shrek pulled my head off of his cock and demanding I get on all force. His dominance was so arousing that I couldn’t wait to have him all the way in my hole. He leaned over my back and whispered in my ear, “time to get to know that little swamp of yours, Squidward.” Just like that, I melted into his grasp and his massive cock was deep inside my tight asshole. It was so painful yet so tasty. He reached around my torso to run my cock as he fucked me. “Oh,” he let out with satisfaction. “I like layers.” I think he’s referring to my uncircumcised penis but either way, hearing him in such pleasure because of my body made me writhe. I was getting to close to coming with him inside my ass. “Harder, Shrek,” I begged. “I’m so close to coming.” He increased his speed and force making it almost unbearable for my asshole to handle, but it felt so fucking good. With every thrust I got closer and closer to my climax. And like almost like a chemical bond made in heaven, we both orgasmed simultaneously: him, in and all over my ass, and me all over his hand. “You dirty little slut, coming all over my hand,” Shrek whispered in my ear bringing his messy hand up to his mouth and slurping my juices off of it. He then stood up and lifted me up with him. He grabbed my ass and licked it with his warm tongue. “I wish you would’ve saved some of that for my mouth, daddy,” I teased. “Next time, baby,” he said in that sexy husky tone. “Because there will be a next.” We cuddled up to each other on the sand by the lagoon before heading back to the chariot. I laid my head on his lap the whole ride home and dreamt about the next time I’d get to spend some more time like this with Shrek. It was truly magnificent.

submitted by /u/PowerMaster5000 [link] [comments] from FanFiction: Where Magical Ponies battle Imperial Titans http://bit.ly/2MmmrAM

#fan fiction #writing #fanfiction #tv show #series #movie #fan #write

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cvptaingiordano · 7 years

Text

FOLLOW FOREVER SPECIAL BIRTHDAY EDITION.

( nothing special about it but i’m fabulous so !! )

BEGINNINGS.

Hello folks !! Y e s y’all may be thinking that this is random as fuck - –––––– and trust me it is - and y’all may be wondering why the hell I am even making a follow forever right now ?? Like... there’s no reason to, right ?? L I E S. There’s a very few simple explanation for this. one being that i’m almost at 250 ( w o w w t f ?? where the fuck did y’all come from ?? ). another one being that today the shrek obsessed chick running this blog just turned 17 !! && she felt the need to show a few very important people on here how much they’re loved and appreciated !! so much shit has happened the few weeks where i’ve honestly felt that i’d lose my mind at some point and tbh y’all managed to keep me sane even if it seems as if i’m a little bit mad at times ( which trust me i need to go and get that checked lmao ) - for reals ya girl needs to thank a few special peeps for everything. so let’s go !! FOR ANYONE LOOKING FOR BLOGS TO FOLLOW I MADE SURE TO ATTACH ALL THEIR URL’S BELLOW. I ENCOURAGE YOU GUYS TO CHECK THESE GEMS OUT. I TRULY MEAN IT. THIS IS THE TOP OF THE TOP ON HERE. THE T O P OF THE T O P. FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FOLLOW THEM. to the peeps prepare your anus for compliments and actual feels spread across big ass paragraphs. for y’all. *wishes a great birthday to self*

before anything imma just say that i only listed down the people that honestly make me feel blessed. no particular order and i just let myself get carried away down here. judge me all you guys want. p.s. i will be on discord all day and i would love to have some company here ey. ( social life be nonexistent today ) don’t know what i’d do without the four of you.

LITTLE OGRE. ( NAEVA )

@omenwept | wrathwept | tragedywept | miserybled | agonykissed | ( y e s me putting your url’s is my way of basically shouting at the world for them to follow your ass bc you deserve so much more recognition i ain’t even kidding. ) where do i begin omfg ?? i remember back when you followed me legit smashing that follow back button real quick after checking out rosalie. tbfh i’m not sure how you came across this trashy ass blog but nonetheless i am g l a d that you did. i do really mean it lmao, i am sO G L A D. - if it weren’t for that i doubt we would’ve ever bumped upon each other ( on here n shit - ––––– legit thankful for being able to have such a gem around on here ya don’t even know ) our threads are honestly killing me ?? and while i know that i’m slow a f usually i’m glad you haven’t told me to fuck off yet ( legit tho c; ) the ooc banter is great and so is us plotting even if it may take us a bit to actually get into it. our discord calls a r e lit as fuck - even if most of it is based on a shrek - memes and you legit getting triggered by how d u m b i actually am. surprised that you didn’t get annoyed yet lmao - –––– but ey c; I A M T R A S H H O N E S T L Y basically i’m so glad that you joined again and that you decided to give the until dawn verse *cough* shrek cult *cough* a try. you’re characters are truly one of a kind and as much as i’m slowly getting into pandora hearts ( actually obsessed with the manga already and i’m not even kidding - might even be extra and go out to buy the second band today even if i already found a site to watch it on c; ) and may not really understand everything y e t it’s obvious how much effort and love you put into those gems. basically i admire it like a lot. - ––––––– this butt does appreciate you - like a l o t - and basically i’m vv glad to have such nice banter whenever we talk lmao, whether it’s on calls, on chat or simple plotting honestly c: could be more though *wink* ;) *wink* GOTTA CHILL. i’m just trash honestly, not sure what to say since i keep on repeating myself probs. but yeah. ( and well i’m trash for everything basically like don’t even make me list it now ) SUMMARY LMAO. ya already know you can count on me for anything ey and you also know that imma be there no matter what and that i’m just trash for the banter and for the writing and for your charas and for shrek and for #triggered L O R E N A S T O P. okay lmao seriously tell me to fuck off already gotta chill this is turning into the bible ( let’s call it the naeva worshippers club ) i shall still be waiting for the day that you might get into league of legends - still sad you didn’t like it :c i shall cry out of happiness IF THAT EVER HAPPENS LMAO. thanks for everything friend !! LOTS OF LOVE. p.s enjoy the sims c; THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. ( look how fancy i am. formatting n shit )

SWAMP DADDY. ( ALEX )

@chaoticagony D A D D Y Y Y YAYSYYDSVUFYGFUSJO FUCK ME UP I MEAN IT FUCK ME UP. who would’ve thought that the until dawn verse would’ve brought to creatures like us together. i mean… one of a kind no ?? a shrek obsessed chick and some perfect gem who’s just too precious - what a paIR. the fact that this verse gave us the opportunity jump into each other’s boring ass day’s like it did is something that i’m extremely thankful for. ( and i ain’t even kidding ) where shall i start ?? day one - we both didn’t really talk at all - i was shit ass scared inside - because of everyone too - since i’m basically pure ass garbage in that group and everyone else is just s o gooooooooood. i remember jumping on your blog and checking you out and being so fucking in love with it - or how we were supposed to plot at first but we never really did because my ass sort of shat her own pants and was like omg no i’m annoying a f what is this :((((( wHO WOULD’VE GUESSED THAT SUCH A MESS OF A START WOULD LEAD TO SO MUCH BANTER ?? LIKE SO MUCH FUCKING BANTER W T F AND I LIVE FOR IT. like properly live for it i’m not even kidding. cards against humanity - for a moment i thought you did think i was some deprived ass cave woman who needed to calm her tits, bUT NO. and then the whole shrek inside joke turning into something serious and becoming a cult. i don’t even understand nor am i sure of how i managed to push it all that far - but clearly we all still enjoy c; ( or maybe not… ) basically i can’t believe that a verse allowed us to become friends and talk ooc as much as we do. literally it went from being an hour or two to a whole fucking d a y. like w o w me waking up - you being awake - us getting in a call - and then me staying up until 3 a.m still fucking talking. someone needs to call a psychiatrist before i lose my mind at night. - ––––––– honestly it’s just very surprising how fast it all happened, but nonetheless i am very fucking thankful for it all. loves you lots alex !! you know your butt can count with my spanish one whenever for anything c: - enjoy that sims game c; I’M GLAD TO BE ABLE TO HANG OUT WITH YOU IN ALL HONESTY. LIKE I’M PROPERLY GLAD. TIMEZONES CAN SUCK A N U T ALEX. L O V E S Y O U L O T S !! i hope you’re throwing up glitter all over the sims 2

DONKEYRIN. ( ERIN )

@humantovch | lcstrichards | ( both blogs since your butt really does need a shoutout. ) pff how the f u c k did a simple message of yours get us where it did. you broke the silence between the two of us and i’m just sO THANKFUL HONESTLY. Thankful to the point where i don’t know what kind of words to even use to express how in love i am with our banter and our plotting and our writing and just everything. shrek it erin, just shrek it. it’s funny how we both clicked in like not even 5 seconds. ten minutes into us plotting and we both were already trash for what we were going to do. that lead us to grow obsessed to the point where we had over 7 fucking paras at one point ( i think seven ?? ) which were as long as a testament confirming my d e a t h after all the angst we’ve put both mason and riley through. such a cute ass tHING LEAD TO US ACTUALLY TALKING LMAO ?? AND ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS W O W. it’s been a hell of a ride so far. and i don’t have words to express how lucky i am to be able to write with someone as great as you. i truly admire how well you write and i still don’t make much sense of how anyone so fabulous would even consider writing a simple sentence whether it’s ic or ooc to some shrek obsessed hoe. like for reals i don’t even understand ?? but i’m thankful erin sO THANKFUL. as i always say i don’t think we would’ve ever written together if it weren’t for you sliding into my dm’s that smoothly ( damn boi ) like even i was shook to know that someone with such quality would even tHINK ABOUT IT LMAO. TRASH ERIN I AM T R A S H. i’m blessed basically - blessed and i do mean it. clearly i’m super comfortable talking and that just speak for itself. i’m living honestly. ( just kidding - i’m deceased ) all i have to say is that once you leave i’m going to miss you a lot. are banter has already become something i look forward to whether it’s for plotting purposes or pure random ass shit. i’m just honestly deceased if i’m honest and i’ve already prepared myself a small coffin to drop myself into for that while you’re away. i shall resurrect from the dumpster like a queen. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING ERIN I MEAN IT !! YOU DON’T KNOW HOW THANKFUL I AM TO HAVE YOU AROUND AND YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING IMMA BE THERE TO HELP YOU !! LOVES YOU LIKE A FUCKING LOT EY.

QUEEN MARIESA. ( MARIESA )

@hunterscode | silvercursed | mariesaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. fuck me seriously. how the fuck did you find me with jupiter back then i don’t even understand. this ooc friendship was meant to happen right away and it did. like what the fuck why would you even decided to hit such a trash can up. i don’t remember who began talking but who cares really. just look at all the banter we have now and all the slow threads and all the gems. i’m so happy to be able to call you a friend of mine honestly. we went far to the point where now you even have an emoji of your own face :queenmariesa: and i am totes trash and i do mean t o t e s trash. ( besides thanks to that group verse of yours i was able to meet my dad - alex ) i’m thankful for everything relating us honestly. i can call you a mother, a queen, a mami i don’t even know anymore. whatever it is i know for a fact that i can go to you for everything and anything. you’ve helped me through some rough situations where i felt that i was legit gonna d i e and i know that sometimes i’m annoying as fuck but really you don’t know how truly glad i am to have bumped into my european homie. our mom - daughter jokes honestly never get old and I AM NOT SURE WHERE TO GO WITH THIS BUT I AM RAMBLING ALREADY. basically i’m just so glad that we stumbled upon each other that day - if it weren’t for us doing that i’d probably be rotting in my bedroom. now at least i’m blooming in there instead of turning into crap ( which i already am *wink* *wink* ) anyways mariesa i hope we’ll be able to write as much as we want to and get everything done someday as well as continue on our great ass banter which i am truly and honestly in love with. did you ever wonder how much of a coincidence it is for mason’s cat and jupiter to have the same name l m a o. just know that i am fucking trash and i truly do love you. thank you for being a friend that i know i can count on no matter what mariesa. you know i love you vv much bbYYY LIKE FOR REALS MY QUEEN I LOVE YOU <3

In the end. thank you guys for sticking around and making me crack up as much as you have. you’re truly loved and appreciated c: even shrek is getting emotional omg SOZ FOR THE LENGTH ACC NOT REALLY are you in tears... because i aM

BONUS EDITED BY ALEX LMAO

acc cried with this wtf

#( out of giordano .x )#// yes guys this got long for the few people that are on here but it's a different kind of follow forever so c:#// if it isn't obvious i really care about you guys and i hope your asses are aware of it c:#// or at least i hope this made it clear lmfao #( follow forever .x )

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problematicc-favs · 7 years

Text

memey au jared kleinman x reader; headcannons

THESE HEADCANNONS ARE BASED ON THE MEME SOULMATE AU, WHICH IS AN AU WHERE YOUR SOULMATES FAV MEME IS TATTOOD ON YOU FOREARM,,, BUT HERES THE C A T C H JARED AND READER ARE BOTH EXTREMY MEMeY PEOPLE SO THEY HAVE MULTIPLE MEMES ON THEIR ARMS K COOL

Written @ Writers Wednesday, special thanks to;

Flower Anon

cryptid

@i-just-love-writing-crap

@faist-me-bitch

@flowreatr

cronch

@arsonboirich

@radicallyred

@spicy-nug-boi

OKAY SO

-Everyone is born with their soulmates favorite meme on their forearm

-Its always like a very specific meme so like if your soulmate saw it they would be like ‘oh shit thats me’

-You, however, were born with a shit ton of memes

-Like, all of them

-Ones from like the MEDIEVAL times of memes yo and also brand new ones and its kind of sick??

-sick as in cool or sick as in gross only you can decide

-you frequently wake up with a new meme on your arm whenever a new one becomes popular

-sometimes you have to go on knowyourmeme.com to figure out what the fuck is on your body

-every day you look at your arm and cupcakke lyrics are there

-its hell

-”ms. (Y/N) why is there the words ‘hump me fuck-’”

“doN’T WORRY ABOUT IT”

-You probably got teased as a child tbh because of it

-But like its fine bc you also really enjoyed a shit ton of memes

- sometimes you gotta wear long sleeves to school/work because of inappropriate memes

-you’re the only person you’ve ever met with like,, more than one meme so you can’t tell if you’re special or if you’ve been cursed

-it’s totally a curse

- like 100/10 total curse and you weren't sure if you liked it or not

-One day you like went to the coffee shop or some shit and saw someone else with a shit ton of memes on their arm and you're like

‘should I say something? fuck,’

-And like just give in and go introduce yourself

-Both of you are hella stupid and don't realize you're each others soulmate, you just think you both have soulmates who love memes

-he says his name is Jared and he like buys you coffee or some shit

-you guys probably figured out you were soulmates after like a couple times of hanging out after really taking a hard look at each other's memes in like a dick measuring “my soulmates memes are better than yours” thing

-and then something catches your eyes

-you’re like

‘wait that looks like that meme I made in my freshman year’

-Oh.

-OHHH.

-you saw the emoji movie as your first ‘official’ date don't @ me

-he’s so stupidly proud that he has so many favorite memes

-like seriously

-”god damn i have good taste. You’re lucky, you could’ve been stuck with the ‘i has cheeseburger cat’”

-Robbie Rotten was on your arm for a whole year

-im so glad he beat cancer so much respect dude

- You guys probably fight over what meme is the best

-people have probably asked if you guys are okay tbh

-the answer is no

- like it's love at first meme with him once you realize you’re soulmates, no joke

- you two immediately could go on and on about all the memey shit you can do later on

-after sex Jared definitely says ”you know I had to do it to em" and dabs

- you push him off the bed at some point after sex

“goddammit Jared ONE time I ask for no memes after sex”

-hearing the words “gotta go fast” during sex

-when he comes he says ‘here comes dat boi’

-or “GOTTA BLAST”

-you finishing fucking and he says in the owen wilson voice “waow”

-woah boys thats an inside joke

-he sings dat boi so much it’s a sin

- hardcore sinning. every damn day

-he’s probably sung it in sleep before let's be honest

- and you've still pushed him out of bed

-wanna know what else he's sung in his sleep ?

- deepthroat

-its your fav song though so its fine its chill

-actually, your favourite song fluctuates from deepthroat to my neck my back

-that topic has been the subject of many heated debates

-When you are having a bad day he will sing it like ‘my neck, my back, my anxiety attack’ and it makes you laugh

-once when you were having an intense panic attack and he found you he started to try and comfort you and you gasped out ‘zoinks this situation is getting out of hand we better call the scooby crew’

-you think that might be when he really fell for you

-at some point your forearm gets so crowded that the memes start to spread up to your bicep and then your shoulder

-at some point you probably find a meme like on ya titty area and Jared is like super into it somehow

-jared has a meme kink

- ‘talk memey to me bb’

-anytime you walk in the room he goes, “o shit my honey waddup my baby here come dat ragtime gaaaal” with the stupidest shit eating grin

-you love it tho

-it makes you smile every time

- ’call me pepe in bed it turns me on’

- ’please off yourself’

- ’please get me off’

- ‘thats what i loveeee…. Nestle CRONCH’

-he definitely owns a fedora

-he tips it at you regularly

- ‘m’lady’

-he’s only worn it into public once (for a dare)

-mothafuckin bathbombs

-jared definitely fucked a bath bomb

-kInKY

-a note from mom: HOW THE F U C K DO YOU FUCK A BATH BOMB

-hE ONce made you wear a blindfold with emojis printed on it because he’s like that into the emoji movie

-once for your birthday he took pictures of you two together and made them into a mlg parody

-he’s also unironically played minecraft

-i love that this has turned into “jared is a meme”

-You go to a doctor and it turns out having this many memes can actually negatively effect your actions and sanity so you literally have a condition because of this dorks love of memes and he has it too

-at that point everything is covered in memes but your face and hands

- sometimes you question if it's worth the memes

-(that's what you say but on the inside you love your memey boyfriend way more than the memes themselves)

-but you love him no matter how much he gots on your nerves and you could never live without him

- by the time yall are 80 you're still memey as hell

-s{hr}ex is love s{hr}ex is life

-jared has an emoji kink

-*slides up next to you at lunch* ya like jazz

-jared has definitely jerked off to barry bee benson from the bee movie

-he calls sex funkytown

-i.e; let's take a trip to funkytown ;) xD

-he calls pepe daddy

-Likes to say he is “winning”

-He once started a sexting sesh with sending that fucking Rawr xD post

-you know the fucking one

-once you came into his house without knocking and he yelled “DONKEY!!1!1!! GET OUTTA MY SWAMP!!11!1111!!!!”

-when you're mad you blast it's hip to fuck BEES throughout the entire house with Bluetooth speakers

-he actually likes jake from state farm

-compares evan to jake from state farm bc khakis

-if you guys ever have kids he will genuinely want to name them fergus and felicia after shrek’s kids

-literally you have a fight about how it’s not okay

-and he wants your first born kid to be born on 9/11

-names your daughter felicia just so he can say “bye felicia”

-catches kids having sex at home?

SEX? IN MY HOUSE? ITS MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK

-does not eat vegetals

-zoinks scoobs

-IT FROM JApAN

-crossiant

-THE GRIM REAPER DOESNT HAVE FEET AND HES UPSET ABOUT IT OK???????????????

-drinks water out of a bleach container to freak you out

-he only wears boots too big for he got dam feet

bonus-theres a snake in his boot

-basically, in fuckin summary, jared kleinman memes to the xtremes -and you love eachother -you think,, most of the time

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