#complain about a tumblr sexy man | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

crabbunch · 1 year

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“Scar!” Cub rushes into the room. Scar gasps loudly and falls backwards off of the balcony, dying on impact. “Oh. My bad, dude.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Scar says, getting up from a nearby bed. “It’s not the first time that’s happened today.”

“Yeah. Anyways, did you vote for me?” Cub asks.

“Vote for you- oh! For the tumblr sexy-ma-doodle thing!” Scar says, gathering up his stuff. “Not yet! I’ll get on that right now.”

“It’s really close right now,” Cub says. “I think I can pull ahead, but it won’t be easy.”

“I don’t know what the masses are thinking!” Scar complains. “I mean, I know I’m sexy, but can’t they see your appeal? Don’t they know the power of the Convex?”

“You should make a calendar with both of us on it,” Cub suggests.

“Shirtless?” Scar checks.

“Shirtless,” Cub confirms.

“Yeah, okay,” Scar grins. “Hot Guy… Cute Guy… you can be Sexy Guy, I guess.”

“Sexy Man,” Cub corrects. “Tumblr Sexyman.”

“That doesn’t roll off the tongue at all!” Scar complained.

“It’s what I’m going for,” Cub smirks. “How quickly do you think you can get that calendar printed.”

Scar pulls off his shirt and out a camera. “You had me at ‘you should make a calendar with both of us on it.’”

- - -

“ETHO!” Bdubs shouts, landing face-first into the luscious, green, beautiful jungle grass. “WE’RE IN A TUMBLRMAN SEXY- AH- A TUMBLR SEXYMAN COMPETETION!!!”

“Oh snappers,” Etho murmurs, closing his shulker box and turning to look at Bdubs. “Wait, what-?”

“I voted for you, of course,” Bdubs says, holding up his phone to show Etho the bracket. “You’re winning by a landslide.”

“A tumblr sexyman competition?” Etho repeats, eyes darting between Bdubs and the bracket. “Like- a tumblr competition?”

“Yeah,” Bdubs grinned. “They love us.”

“That’s the place- is that where the- you made a tumblr account?” Etho asks, sitting on the shulker.

“Well, of course!” Bdubs brags. “I had to vote for us! Cleo, too, she’s doing good. She’s the one who told me about this in the first place, actually.”

“Oh,” Etho says. “Oh.”

“You’re winning,” Bdubs says again. “I voted for you.”

“I’m not making a tumblr account,” Etho folds his arms.

“Aw- come on, man! I voted for you, it’s only fair that you vote for me!” Bdubs whines.

“Nope,” Etho repeats. “Not on your life, Bdouble0.”

“Fine,” Bdubs says, pulling his phone out again. “I’m gonna rally the troops, though. I’m gonna make sure you win.”

“Wait, no, don’t-” Etho begged, but it was too late. Bdubs was flying off to who-knows-where to convince the masses to vote for Etho.

- - -

“Tango,” Zedaph says, frowning at his phone. “Are you-”

“Yeah,” Tango smirks. “I’m sweeping.”

“Oh, come on!” Zedaph whined. “Impulse-”

“I’m beating Fwip,” Impulse says.

“Jeez!” Zedaph throws his hands in the air. “Is it not enough to wear a catmaid outfit? Is it not enough to put catmaid pillows in my merch shop? It’s not my fault none of my fans made me a How Bad Can I Be animatic.”

“What’re you even upset about?” Tango teases. “Aren’t you crushing Schlatt?”

“I was,” Zedaph pouts. “The people rallied against me. Did you know Schlatt wears a suit? I should have worn a suit. I should have…”

“Oh, look at this!” Impulse pulls up the poll on his own phone. “You’re not loosing that badly.”

“I’m not sweeping,” Zedaph complains. “I’m not even winning! This is disgraceful.”

“To be fair, Schlatt is a pretty typical sexyman,” Tango says. “I’m surprised he didn’t get more nominations.”

“Fwip’s sexy!” Zedaph points at Impulse accusingly. “He’s a vampire, and Impulse is still obliterating him!”

Impulse shrugs. “No one’s campaigning for him.”

“Why’d they have to campaign against me,” Zedaph wails. “I’m sexy! I’m hot! I deserve this!”

“...there, there,” Tango reaches over to pat him on the back. “This is more of a popularity contest than anything.”

“That's not better!” Zedaph groaned. “The hermit fans practically rule the polls, and I’m loosing to SCHLATT?”

- - -

“I can’t believe this!” Iskal complained. “I’m loosing to this- this upstart! This young ‘un! Why’s he favorite to win?”

“You’re not even a man,” Stress giggles. “I don’t think-”

“I’m a man sometimes! And besides, I was their first example for a good sexyman!” Iskall whines. “I can’t believe this! I can’t believe it!”

“Oh, quiet your trap,” Stress laughs. “You’re perfectly sexy.”

“I know!” Iskall says. “I just need the masses to realize it…”

“You could try campaigning?” Stress suggests. “Everyone who’s talked about it or posted about it has been pretty successful.”

“Naw,” Iskall sighs. “I wanna win fair and square. Campaigning’s cheating in my book.”

“Everyone’s doing it, love,” Stress points out.

“It’s the principle of the matter,” Iskall shakes her head. “I can’t believe this.”

- - -

“Joe,” Cleo says, looking down at her phone. “Do you think we’re going to meet each other in the bracket?”

“Well,” Joe peeks over their shoulder to look at the bracket. “I’d say there’s a good possibility of it.”

“I won’t be voting for you,” Cleo says immediately. “I mean, sorry, but. Well. You know how it is.”

“I do,” Joe agrees.

“I’m doing a violence already,” Cleo giggles. “I’m destroying Zloy.”

“Oh, really?” Joe asks. “By how much?”

“Ninety percent,” Cleo brags.

“Oh, darn, me too,” Joe sighs. “I was going to rub it in your face if mine was higher, and conveniently forget to mention mine if it was lower.”

“I wouldn’t have let you do that,” Cleo says fondly.

“Yeah, but I would have tried,” Joe smiles back.

“I’m gonna beat you into the ground,” Cleo smirks.

“I don’t know about that,” Joe hums. “I’ve got a good campaign going. There’s a lot of users saying that you’re ‘too traditionally sexy.’”

Cleo scoffs. “This is a glorified popularity contest. It has nothing to do with actual sexyman merit.”

“Well, maybe I’m more popular than you,” Joe sticks his tongue out at her. “I’ve been campaigning.”

“We’ll see,” Cleo says. “We’ll see.”

- - -

“Come on…” Grian mutteres, watching the percent of votes between Mumbo and Grumbot wiggle back and forth.

“Father,” Grumbot beeps. “Please let me make an account. I need to vote for Better Dad.”

“No,” Grian snaps. “You’re not 13 yet.”

“No one will know!” Grumbot protests. “We can lie!”

“It’s about the principle of the matter!” Grian scowls. “We can’t commit voter fraud. It won’t be a real victory then.”

“I would commit voter fraud for Mumbo,” Grumbot mutters.

“I know, Grumbot.”

“I would kill to let Mumbo win,” Grumbot says.

“I know, Grumbot.”

“I could kill Scar,” Grumbot muses. “Everyone says he’s favorite to win.”

“He’ll still win if he’s dead.” Grian points out. “There’s a few- not everyone on here is alive. Or even real. Schlatt died years ago and he’s putting up a good fight. Mumbo’s doing fine. He’s beating you.”

“Good,” Grumbot beeps. “I’ll kill anyone who votes for me.”

Grian pauses. “Now there’s an idea. We’d have to kill them before they voted, of course, but that one’s got some real merit to it…”

- - -

“Jimmy,” Scott sings. “They love me.”

Jimmy looks up at him, eyeliner smudged. “They pity me.”

“I’m gonna wiiin,” Scott brags.

“They called me a wet paper bag!” Jimmy cries. “I’m winning, but not because they think I’m sexy! They just- they just-”

“...” Scott raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, they think I’m a little sexy,” Jimmy admits. “But only because I’m pathetic. That doesn’t count!”

“Take what you can get, Jimmy,” Scott says. “It won’t last long.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jimmy sighs and pulls out his phone. “I just- Scott, what’s this job you’ve done on the tags? It’s kind of cringe.”

“That’s one of my tactics,” Scott grins. “They love pathetic men on tumblr. I’m totally going to sweep you.”

- - -

“Oooh, Lizzie, I can’t wait to get curbstomped by you next round,” Joel says, lounging on a cat bed.

“I can’t wait to curbstomp you next round!” Lizzie crows. “Oooh, I’m a fish-cat-lady, and I’m so sexy!”

“No, that’s kind of my thing,” Joel sniffs. “...people are saying I’m trying too hard.”

“Well, you are,” Lizzie points out. “No one’s going to take you seriously if you go around announcing how sexy and tall and lore you are.”

“Oh, but it works,” Joel says. “I’m super tall now and everyone loves me.”

“I’m still going to sweep,” Lizzie smiles.

“Oh, yeah, absolutely,” Joel agrees.

- - -

“You know,” Connor says, sipping a bottle of vanilla. “The syndicate’s doing pretty good in the tumblr sexyman competition.”

“What are you talking about,” Techno replies, biting into a potato.

“Me and Niki might drop out this round,” Connor continues. “But you and Ranboo and Phil… you’ll keep going, I think.”

“What?” Niki wrinkles her nose. “What do you mean?”

“No, no, I get it,” Techno nods slowly. “I wouldn’t have known, I’m not on tumblr.”

“What’s tumblr?” Ranboo whispers to Phil.

“Mate, you have an account, you of all people should be in on this,” Phil whispers back. “You need to start campaigning, you’re barely beating Xornorth.”

“What,” Ranboo says.

- - -

“Aw sick I’m starting to beat Iskal in the tumblr sexyman bracket,” Quackity says, and doesn’t say anything else because he is annihilated by a nuclear bomb.

#mcytblr sexyman #i guess #idk where this came from but you're welcome. i think #i am not tagging everyone here #hermitcraft #empires #dsmp #yeah thats good

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definitelynotstable · 10 months

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Feverish [Ghost x fem!Reader]

AN: Hey sexies! I haven’t used Tumblr since I was like 13 (which was a while ago) and I haven’t written fanfic in a while either. I find it hard to like things without them consuming me and the current addiction is CoD. It started with CoD mobile - me and the flatties play each night and then I rediscovered Modern Warfare and realised MW2 existed. Instantly obsessed. Why are they all so fine???????? Anyway. I haven’t written creatively since like high-school so I’m rusty and there is lots I don’t know. Go easy on me babes x

Synopsis: "Holy shit, you're burning up!" – reader is sick, Ghost is worried. Word count: 1.7k Ghost x reader (callsign “Rags” don’t ask why) not proof-read i have adhd babes x

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

5am just wasn’t the ideal wake-up time. Something you should’ve thought about before joining the military. Something you definitely should’ve taken into account when accepting a position in such an esteemed taskforce. The 141 rarely took breaks. When you weren’t on active duty you were at base training. Price was a stern but fair Captain. His drills were consistent and hard, pushing you all to your limits but still allowing you to grow as a team.

But Price wasn’t in charge of training today. Nor had he been for the last week. Away on some need-to-know mission he had left his lieutenant in charge. Simon “Ghost” Riley. Less consistent, far more stern but just as fair as the Captain - Ghost’s drills were significantly more difficult.

You stretched carefully, rotating your neck from side to side and sighing as it clicked. You could hear voices down the hall and the distant rumble of the kettle. Soap and Gaz no doubt. Now fully dressed you pulled on your boots and shuffled down the hall.

“Morning boys.” You yawned, pulling out a chair and slumping to lean against your crossed arms on the table.

“Morning, Rags,” Gaz echoed back to you, Soap grunting in acknowledgment as he poured his coffee.

“Any clue what the LT has in store for us today?” You ask, watching as Soap fiddled with the french-press.

He huffed as he settled into the chair across from you, nursing a mug between his scarred hands. “Somethin’ horrid, nae doubt, he’s been in a bad mood since Price took his leave.”

“I’ll say,” Gaz scoffed tipping the dregs from Soap’s press into his mug and heaping in sugar, “can barely feel my arms after yesterdays drill.”

You groaned rubbing your eyes, “yeah, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.”

“I don’t recall there being any trucks involved in the drill yesterday - but that can be arranged.”

The bored voice drawled from the doorway, Lieutenant Ghost himself stood, legs shoulder width apart, arms folded across his broad chest. The man took up the entire goddamned doorframe.

Resisting the urge to stand at attention you cracked a sheepish smile. The 141 weren’t one for formalities.

‘Morning LT,” Gaz took the words out of your mouth from where he leaned against the sink, “got more pain in store for us today?”

“If you though yesterday was painful, sergeant, you’ve got a big storm coming.” Ghost turned go head out. “Gym in 10.”

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

He wasn’t kidding. Today was worse. The lieutenant had designed a circuit so difficult even Gaz was complaining - something usually only Soap had the gall to do. God you were tired. You hadn’t struggled this hard to complete a drill since basic training as an unfit and unmotivated 18 year old. “Pick it up Sergeant!” Ghost barked from across the room as the battle ropes slipped form your sweaty hands. You grit your teeth and did as asked, only two minutes to go.

“Fuck!” You swore under your breath as the rope thunked against the floor, leaving your grasp again. You quickly squatted to pick it up, hoping the Lieutenant hadn’t noticed. You flinched as his stern voice echoed through the gym but it was Soap on the receiving end, the man smirking as Ghost yelled at him to keep form.

You turned your focus back to the ropes, planting your more firmly as you noticed your form starting to waver. God you felt like you were about the keel over.

“Pick up the pace Sergeant!” The voice came from your left, flinching to hear the Lieutenant so close. Feeling worse by the second you did as you were told, pushing every last inch of energy into the ropes in front of you.

He’ll be gone soon, you told yourself, He’ll move on to yell at Gaz and I can slow my pace.

But the hulking figure in your periphery remained and you found your resolve wavering. Without warning the world tilted dramatically and your cheek was bouncing off the sweat covered foam on the floor. The distant clanking of weights came to a stop and impeccably polished and shined boots filled your vision. Ghost.

“Rags!” Gaz thumped to his knees beside you, yanking you into a sitting position. His worried face swimming in your vision.

“Settle down, Gaz,” Soap spoke as he pulled him back and someone else came to kneel in front of you. A water bottle was pushed into your hands and a cool but rough hand landed gently on your forehead.

“Christ you’re burning up!” The lieutenant rarely swore outside of the field, you must be on fire.

“Yeah no shit,” Water dribbled down your chin as you took a swig of water, “that was a tough drill LT.”

Soap coughed out a laugh from where he stood behind Ghost, "Aye, I reckon he's sayin' ye've got a fever, lass.”

You scoffed, batting back the lieutenants hand, “I think I would know if I had a fever, I just need a rest.”

“Your dripping in sweat,” Ghost retorted cooly.

“We were just working out.“

“You fell over -“

-“It happens-“

‘Not to you.” The lieutenants voice was firm. “Not to us. We are special forces military - we don’t just ‘fall over’.”

There was no room for argument in his tone, you knew he was right. Leaning forward, Ghost looped his arms under yours and pulled you firmly to your feet. You wavered slightly, his grip on you the only thing keeping you standing.

“You need rest.”

Gaz popped into view, eager, “I can take her back too her room, LT!”

Ghost swung his gaze over the young sergeant who shrank back immediately, “if you thought this was the end of training for today, you’re wrong. You and Soap still have a minute left. I want you halfway through the next set once I’m back.”

Laughing Soap clapped Gaz on the back, “Come on lad. Let the LT look after Rags, we don’t give up so easily.”

You scoff, “Rude.”

“Get well soon, Lass,” Soap winked, pulling Gaz back to his station as Ghost led you out of the gym.

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

“You really don’t need to lead me to back to my room, I know the way.”

“We aren’t going to your room,” Ghost grunted, his hand hovering behind your shoulder blades as you wavered.

You looked up, frowning as you locked eyes with him. “I don’t need to go to the infirmary, LT. I just need a nap.”

The man shrugged, gently pushing you forward. “We have free healthcare, may as well use it.”

“God you’re relentless,” you muttered, missing how his eyes crinkled through the mask.

“To a fault, sergeant.”

The nurse in the infirmary whistled as she read your temp.

“Good thing you brought her here, Lieutenant,” she turned to you with her hands on her hips, ‘you’re dehydrated, hun. I’m keeping you here overnight or until your fever breaks.”

“Really? I can never sleep in here, it’s too bright.” You felt like a child under the stern stares of the nurse and Ghost who stood beside her, arms crossed.

“We can dim the lights if you’d like, sergeant,” the nurse offered, bustling around while she prepped an IV, “but you’re staying here until I say.”

You sank lower in the bed, letting your chin fall against your chest.

“I usually sleep with an eye-mask.” You mumble, embarrassed.

“What was that, hun?”

Ghost steps closer with a single nod, “speak up sergeant.”

You cleared your throat, feeling silly. “I usually wear an eye-mask.”

“I’m sure we can figure something out,” the nurse smiled, pulling your arm to the side, “small pinch.”

You sucked in a breath as the needle slid home.

“Where is it?”

You looked up, surprised the lieutenant was still there. “Where’s what?”

“Your eye mask.” Ghost responded, arms still crossed.

“Oh,” you wince slightly as the nurse hooked up the fluids to the port on your arm, “uh don’t worry about it LT, one of the boys can grab it later I’m sure.”

“I’m here now. Where is it?”

You met his eyes, surprised. “My room, either on my bedside table or in the top drawer.”

Ghost leaves with a curt nod, the curtain swishing behind him. You sigh, leaning back into the pillow behind you, praying it’s lying on top and not in the drawer that holds a variety of items you definitely don’t want your Lieutenant seeing.

By the time he returns you’re half asleep in your fever-induced delirium. The lights are dimmed but your eyes still burn. He gently lays the mask on the bed next to your arm and makes to leave.

“Thanks LT.” You say with a rasp, cracking your eyes open further.

He looks up, blue eyes meeting yours. “Though you were asleep.”

You laugh softly, “Wasn’t kidding when I said I couldn’t sleep without it.”

“Mm.” He grunts in acknowledgement. “Lieutenant?”

“Yeah?” He stops, hand on the door handle.

“Thanks for today.”

He nods sharply, not sure how to respond. “Thank me when your back in fighting shape, sergeant."

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

Masterlist

#simon ghost riley #call of duty #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost x reader #fluff #kyle gaz garrick #john soap mactavish #task force 141 #141 x reader #cod mw2 #ghost call of duty #ghost cod #simon ghost x reader #simon riley x reader #simon riley x you #simon ghost riley x you

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most-datable-datable-bracket · 2 months

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ROUND 5 MATCH 2

Gale propaganda:

“He is my cringe malewife I love him <3”

“Listen. Some may dunk on him for eating all of your magic artifacts (he only eats three!!) and others may dislike him for various bugs in his romance. But man oh man does this guy take devotion to the next level. He is such a romantic. Says the line "Whether I condemn this world or not, I choose you." after you successfully convince him to disobey his goddess who is also his ex girlfriend. He's a bit hungry for power, but in like, a sexy way, where he wants to get it to elevate you both to Godhood. And if you tell him that you want him for the man he is and not the God he aspires to be, he abandons that search for power and proposes. You can have wizard sex with him in the sky. His "rebellious streak" consists of staying up late reading and summoning a cat when his parents told him he couldn't have one, and also the aforementioned pursuit of godlike powers. What an absolute catch. He's always saying dramatic stuff in battle, but if you have him sneak around, he starts complaining like a grumpy old man. He's extra attracted to you when you're in battle. He has a bomb in his chest. And it is a very nice chest. Anyway. Boyfriend material.”

“This man is so sweet and idealistic. He wants everything about your romance to go perfectly like a fairy tale but that isn't really possible in apocalyptic settings, so he will use magic to help you forget your surroundings when trying to be intimate to get as close as he can to perfect because he wants you to have the best. He is also attracted to literally all of your character and gets really turned on when you are musky and covered in blood after a battle. Just love my nerdy awkward horny romantic wizard.”

Zoe propaganda:

“she's transfemme and really into fanfic and comics. i think tumblr would love her”

#gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #Baldur's Gate 3 #BG3 #zoe monster prom #Monster Prom #Round 5 #MDDC 2

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rans-baby · 2 years

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when you get sexually harassed

a/n repost now that i'm free from tumblr jail ♡

tw // sexual harassment, men (ew), dissociation, blood, implied murder, idk what else lmk if there is anything else!

RAN

he knew how friendly you could be, even with strangers

what he didn't know was the extent of your kindness

you tended to have a regular schedule: walk to the gym, come back and get ready for work, have breakfast, work, and then maybe go for a walk

he should've recognized that the regularity of your schedule could leave you vulnerable but you'd never complained to him before so he didn't really think about it

which is why when he heard about your predicament, all he could do was internally berate himself

"apparently he said he's seen me on the way to the gym in the mornings and told me that he thought I was pretty and when I told him I had a boyfriend, he wouldn't back off"

all he could do in that moment was hold you as he watched your eyes become unfocused and your expression turn blank

he let the other executives know that he wasn't going to be able to work for the rest of the week and let you fall asleep on his lap

the next morning he decided to go on the same route as you, trailing behind you nonchalantly just far away enough that people wouldn't associate you guys as being together

he watched as a man approached and from the way you were curling in on yourself he knew that he was the one

he took long strides towards the both of you, gripping the man by the shoulder and for some reason the man thought it'd be a good idea to talk back

"oh this your bitch? you should keep her on a tighter leash with the way she's dressed"

he didn't respond to the childish taunt, just taking note of the man's appearance and stalking off with your hand in his

he sent a quick text to his brother asking him to track the man down, deciding to deal with it at night. he wouldn't want to scare his baby

later that night, he watched as the man struggled in the chair he was tied up on, shivering from the AC that was cooling the inside of the warehouse to seemingly sub-zero temperatures (but maybe it just felt like that to him since he was half naked and bleeding out)

"maybe that'll teach you to respect baby ♡ or not, I guess it won't really matter in the afterlife"

IZANA

my possessive KING

he knows you're your own person, he gets that but you're still his property at the end of the day and anyone that'd try and come between that would pay

you guys regularly went to the gym together, it was one of the only consistent times that he knew he could spend time with you

you each tended to do your own thing though, not really feeling the need to do the same things

he'd like to say he was a pretty observant guy, which is why his ego took a pretty big hit when he saw a man approach you claiming that he'd seen you before

"I've just been wondering who that sexy girl that trains so hard every day was"

you just stared at him, mouth AJAR at the audacity to approach you and the lack of common sense it took to start a conversation with possibly one of the most disgusting pickup lines you'd ever had the displeasure of hearing

izana heard as you explained to him that you had a partner and his mind blanked out when he heard the man's response

"he doesn't need to know, it could be our little secret. you know, I'm in a relationship too"

he absolutely despised disloyalty, remembering the hurt from his past and he hated the idea of you being the one to betray him even more

he watched as your panicked teary eyed gaze met his and he knew in that moment that yup, I might go to jail but this is so going to be worth it

now normally, izana was a pretty calm and collected guy his anger only showing in the tiny nuances of his expression, but never fully revealing the depth of his anger but the crazed look in his eye let you know that this man was not about to make it to see the next day

"mind going to hell together?" and before he knew it the man was on the floor, not quite knocked out yet because he wanted to make it hurt

it was a good thing that everyone knew who he was and minded their business as they saw everything go down

izana dragged him by his t shirt, calling up kakucho and letting him know that they had some business to take care of

"hey princess, why don't you wrap up and head home I'll probably be home for dinner but don't wait up ♡"

#tokyo revengers headcanons #tokyo revengers scenarios #tokyo revengers x reader #bonten x reader #ran haitani x reader #ran x reader #izana x reader #izana x you #ran haitani x you

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rafatello · 5 months

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Context: Twitter complaining about Hazbin hotel designs for being too tumblr sexy man - My brain what would 72ler exaggerated version of tumblr sexy man look like?

So…. current design of your oc/au vs TumblrSexymanfication this is just a joke don't take it personally I know there are characters outside the stereotypical sexy man tumblr design c:

#shitpost #the lorax #the onceler #the lorax fandom #onceler fandom #72ler #tumblr sexymen #twitter shitpost #the legs JAJAJAJA

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raccoon-eyed-rebel · 5 months

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Axes and O's

Masterlist

Part 1

Pairing: Syverson x reader x Walter Marshall (technically college AU)

Summary: Sy invited you and Walter to his family's cabin, where you get to spend a few days alone with them before the holidays.

Word count: 8250

Warnings: SMUT, NSFW, 18+, MINORS DNI, fingering (vaginal, anal - f receiving), oral sex (f and m receiving), penetrative sex (vaginal, anal, DP - f receiving), very very soft!femdom (? Don't ask me how, really), near-safeword experience, still that astonishingly strong bromance, and polyam vibes.

A/N: Alright well, now, hello. Here we are with the sequel to "Don't knock it till you try it", where we make another very decent attempt to stuff every available hole with as much man as we can handle... No? Not the right kind of introduction? Alright well just read the damn thing, then, I guess?!

@geralts-yenn @deandoesthingstome @ellethespaceunicorn @sillyrabbit81 @littlefreya @summersong69 @mayloma @livisss @winter2112rose @changenameno @wa-ni (I can't tag either of you, tumblr won't let me...)

There was something soothing about the predictability of the situation; you had asked the boys to turn the heat in the car up, they complained that it was already a sauna in there. It wasn’t. And you were freezing. You pulled the sleeve of your sweater up to show Sy the goosebumps on your arm, to which he responded by reluctantly turning the heat up a little bit.

“How can she be cold?” Walter grumbled from behind the wheel while Sy pulled his sweater over his head.

“Here,” Sy said, rolling his eyes, “in case your Majesty still isn’t warm enough.” He tossed the sweater at you, and you contently pulled it over your head. Walter’s sweater had been serving as a blanket for about an hour now, and with the addition of Sy’s, and the few extra degrees on the heater, you were finally comfortably warm.

“Good,” Walter mumbled, “because I’m not taking off anything else for you in this car.” It was the ‘in this car’ that made you chuckle.

“That’s a shame,” you said coyly, batting your eyelashes at him in the rearview mirror as you leaned over and put your arms around Sy’s neck. “Would you?”

He turned his head and sighed. “I have before, haven’t I?”

“Yeah, but I’m sure you got something in return,” Walter responded, “and I don’t think that’s happening today.” Oh, he was so fucking right about that… You’d freeze to death, even with him there.

The rest of the drive, you sat in the back, finally nice and warm to the point where you thought you might actually be able to fall asleep — and then all of that came to a very abrupt end when Sy had Walter pull over and he turned towards you, handing you a thermos.

“Here, sugar,” he said with a faint smile, “brought you some tea to keep you warm. We’re going out to get ourselves a tree.”

Get a tree? What did they mean ‘get a tree’? You were in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by… Well, fine, surrounded by trees, but surely they didn’t mean they were going to… Before you had even finished that thought, the guys grabbed their coats off the backseat — which would be missed greatly as they’d been keeping your feet warm — and hopped out of the truck.

Either it was completely coincidental that it had stopped snowing, or the guys had decided to get the tree now because it had stopped, but either way, you were happy, because you could see them clearly; bickering for a moment before making a decision, and making their way towards the tree of their choice.

It wasn’t until the fourth or fifth swing of the axe that you realized you were biting your lip and holding your breath. It had to be illegal for them to look this sexy while chopping down a tree, right? You could watch them do this all day, but unfortunately, they were done after about fifteen minutes.

“Nice show, boys,” you said as Sy got behind the wheel and Walter took the passenger seat, “can we go now?”

Sy looked over his shoulder once and grinned. “Sure thing, sugar.”

The rest of the drive would have taken about ten minutes, if Sy hadn’t managed to take a wrong turn. Neither of you were going to let him forget about that anytime soon.

“Finally,” you fake-yawned when you pulled into the driveway of the cabin about thirty minutes later.

“Shut up,” Sy grumbled, “or I’m shutting the water off when you’re washing your hair tonight.” Now there was a serious threat...

Sy took you inside while Walter took care of the tree — which included a pretty lengthy process of making it as snow-less as humanly possible on the front porch. You secretly thanked the universe that he was smart enough to think about that beforehand, because you were fairly sure that you’d have been the one mopping half the house if he hadn’t.

The cabin was very nice. Big, spacious — it had to be to accommodate Sy’s family — and just luxurious enough to make you wonder how the hell...

“I have this uncle,” Sy simply said. Of course. There was always an uncle! Sometimes a weird one, like in normal families like your own, and sometimes apparently a scandalously rich one.

“Thank him for me,” Walter said as he walked through the door, dragging the tree behind him. It was on a blanket. Maybe the guys were smarter than you occasionally gave them credit for.

“Will do. Let’s get that tree up, and then I can give you guys the tour?” You and Walter both nodded.

The boys had the Christmas tree up in no time, and you watched them from the couch — after rolling yourself into a blanket burrito with a throw you found hanging over the armrest of the couch. It looked like something Sy’s grandmother or mother had made.

He laughed when you asked about it. “My cousins and sisters all helped. They still spend the holidays knitting or... the other thing, with the one little hook-thing, I don’t know—”

“Crocheting,” you filled in, “continue.”

“Right. That. Every year they make a few more squares to add to that thing. That’s why it’s so big. You’re welcome to use it, but please do be careful with it.” The way he looked at the blanket was endearing. You knew Sy as a guy who cared a lot about family, whereas Walter had just about the worst relationship with his folks you could possibly imagine. It was no wonder he’d be spending the holidays with the Syversons instead of with his own family.

“Eh, Sy,” Walter said, and he pointed at the small stack of wood next to the fireplace.

“Right,” Sy replied, “my uncle mentioned something about being low on firewood. Apparently, the stash outside is not what it should be, either. We’ll get to that in a bit.” He sat down in front of the fireplace and within a few minutes, a small fire was burning.

Sy got up and gestured at you and Walter to grab your bags and follow him, and he led you up the stairs. The second floor of the cabin was also gorgeous, and a lot bigger than you’d have expected. The rooms weren’t big, per se, but they were very nice.

“You can take my room,” Sy said to you, while pointing to a door to his left. “If you don’t mind, we’ll share the main bathroom — I’d like to keep the place as clean as possible for when my family gets here, otherwise there’s no way ma will ever let me go here early ever again.” You and Walter both nodded, and you had trouble stifling a gasp when you stuck your head into the bathroom. It was absolutely gorgeous!

“My uncle’s room has an en-suite with a hot tub and a sauna,” Sy huffed when you commented on how nice it looked. “Me and my dad remodeled this one two years ago. Ticked every box on ma’s and aunt Jen’s crazy list of demands.” It was always fun to watch Sy as he talked about something like this. He was clearly proud of his work, and he could get so cocky, but for some reason he wore it well.

Over the past few months, you’d come to find Walter much more sensitive than you initially thought. He was considerate and kind, and sometimes really surprised you with kind gestures — like the time he’d sent you flowers when he’d noticed you were feeling off that week. The card had just read ‘hey, friend’, but you knew they were his — which was later confirmed and rewarded, of course.

Of course, you’d seen him get a little arrogant. One particular instance came to mind when Walter had unexpectedly bested Sy’s bench press PR. Sy was a sore loser, and Walter was not a very nice winner at all, which meant Sy had moped around all night while Walter showed you that he didn’t do cocky with even a shred of the amount of grace Sy did. It really should have bothered you that neither of them had shown their best sides that night, but they’d been half naked, so it was safe to say your critical thinking skills had been severely impaired at the time.

“Sugar?” Sy waved his hand in front of your face.

“Yeah?” you asked, snapping out of your memory, back to reality. Both guys were looking at you with a slight hint of worry in their eyes.

“Did you hear what I just said?” Sy laughed when you shook your head. “I’ll grab the boxes of decorations from storage, can you get started on the tree while we go out to get some firewood?”

You nodded and followed the boys downstairs again, where Sy disappeared into a closet to retrieve some boxes.

“Alright, knock yourself out with the tree, I’ll put the rest up where it’s supposed to go, later.”

You were actually excited to get started on decorating the tree, and then fate decided to steer your interest in a different direction; the spot where the guys were chopping wood was clearly visible from the window, and good God, was the view distracting... After a few failed attempts to stick to putting lights on the tree, you gave up and stood by the window.

There was something about these guys swinging an axe that made you feel hotter than the puny little fire in the fireplace ever could. You and your friends regularly joked about how entirely un-feminist that strangely primal urge to swoon over big men with big muscles was. It was nice to feel protected — and Walt and Sy had proven themselves very useful in the club on several occasions, and all your girlfriends loved them because they were very intimidating pretend-boyfriends, and therefore absolutely came in handy when the time came to fend off handsy, horny drunks.

Soon, those rational thoughts and memories faded to the background and were replaced by some of your favorite moments from the nothing-short-of-magical nights you had shared with Sy or Walt — both of them together hadn’t happened since last summer, and you had spent most of the past half year thinking you were okay with that, but there was this feeling deep inside you that absolutely wouldn’t mind...

“Well, well, well...” Fuck.

“Why are we doing all the work while she just gets to stare at us?”

“Was she staring at us?”

“I think she was...”

“Now, why on earth would she do that...”

“Oh, because the two of you are so incredibly hot, I could just drop to my knees right here...” you sneered while rolling your eyes. “Make the fire a little bigger, would you, Sy? And go take a shower. You both stink.”

“Alright, that looks amazing, sugar!” Sy said when he came downstairs again. The whole shower had taken him about ten minutes, in which you’d managed to make some serious progress on the tree, and now he was back to distract you with his grey sweatpants and the old t-shirt he slept in. He pulled you into his arms and pressed his lips to your temple. “Think we can pull off a—”

“Absolutely not, Sy,” you laughed as you pushed him away. “We’re just going to hang out, watch a movie, go to bed early. Okay?” It wasn’t exactly what you were after, but whatever they wanted to do couldn’t happen now.

Sy groaned, clearly disappointed, and you felt his breath on your ear. “Come on, sexy,” he whispered, his fingers digging possessively into your hip, but despite enjoying his attention very much, you turned away.

“Nope.” You smiled at the way he looked at you; he made no effort at all to hide his disappointment and frustration. It made you feel strangely powerful to realize you had that kind of effect on him — on both of them, if you were being honest.

“Fine,” he huffed, “let’s get the rest of these decorations up, then.”

By the end of it, after another hour or so of getting the cabin holiday-ready while employing your absolute favorite tactic of conspicuously putting your ass in Sy’s line of sight — and Walter’s, once he came out of the shower and joined you — you were fairly certain those Christmas decorations weren’t the only things that were... up.

“My turn to shower,” you decided when Sy announced that you were done, and without waiting for an answer, you hurried up the stairs. Truth be told, all of your hard work turning the boys on hadn’t left you unaffected, either.

While the hot water warmed you up and slowly chipped away at the tension in your back and shoulders, your thoughts ended up with those memories from before again, making you wish you weren’t alone in the shower right now. Without thinking, you put a hand between your legs and ran a finger along your slit, dipping slightly between your lips. You were soaking wet — you had been nearly all day, and it was your own fault for taking on this trip wearing your favorite toy; a small, stainless steel butt plug with a crystal base. It was surprisingly comfortable, even after all this time, and you had no intention of taking it out just yet, even though you knew the next few hours would be absolute torture. You brought your fingers to your clit and quickly worked yourself to an orgasm, knowing it would only make it that much more difficult to keep the promise you’d made to yourself: tonight, the guys would have to come to you, not the other way around.

It was probably a good thing you weren’t going to be sleeping in a tent, minimizing the chance of having to knock on either of their doors for warmth.

You made your way downstairs after about half an hour, wearing your favorite pajama shorts and a tank top. As soon as you stepped into the living room, the boys groaned.

“Absolutely not,” Walter muttered, while Sy took the less subtle approach — as usual — and outright told you to ‘put those tits away, sugar’ because they were, according to him, very distracting. Good.

You politely declined his request and sat down on the couch between them, snuggling into Sy’s side while putting your feet in Walter’s lap. It was all part of the plan; you already had Sy on edge — which wasn’t a very impressive feat — but Walter usually took a bit more work. A bit.

The guys picked the movie — their choice surprised you; it was a cheesy Halmark Christmas movie. The kind that you loved, but they certainly didn’t. Were they just trying to get you in a good mood? It sure as hell was working...

You turned a little and let your legs fall open a bit, biting the inside of your cheek to keep yourself from laughing as you watched Walter clench his jaw. You were 100% flashing him right now, what with those pajama shorts being so... short, and everything.

His fingers trailed lightly up and down your shin, while Sy’s hand rested on your stomach, and it was difficult to pay attention to the movie when your thoughts kept drifting to all those other things you knew those hands could do.

Aside from the horrible tension, you were comfy and content with the situation, and you could tell the guys were, too. You turned on your side again, making sure to brush your foot past Walter’s groin, and a hand dangerously close to Sy’s. Completely accidentally, of course. The boys groaned.

“Mean,” Walter snarled, and Sy was quick to agree.

When the movie was over, you announced you were going to bed, not giving the guys any indication that they should come with you — although you weren’t exactly worried about spending the night alone.

Doubt started to set in when you checked the alarm clock next to the bed. It was almost midnight, and it seemed your plan had backfired after all. After deciding it was pointless to stay in bed, tossing and turning — and cursing yourself for being so stupid for thinking you were special enough to these guys to be able to play with them the way you did and have them come running to you — you got up and snuck across the hallway to the bathroom to get yourself a glass of water.

Just when you were about to walk back to your room, you heard footsteps in the hallway, and decided to wait a beat before going back to bed.

“Guess we had the same idea, then?”

“I suppose. You gonna tell me to back off?”

A gruff chuckle that could belong to either of them follows the question. “No. Are you gonna tell me to back off?”

The way they challenged each other made you weak in the knees, and you quickly gathered your courage to step out of the bathroom.

“Maybe you both need to go back to your rooms,” you said, faking a yawn as you tried to walk to the bedroom door — which was difficult because the guys were leaning on either side of it, and as soon as you were standing between them, their arms appeared in front of you, blocking your way.

“Now, sugar,” Sy said, leaning in until you felt his breath on your ear, “if that’s what you want, you know we’ll go. I’m just fairly sure…” A single finger trailed lightly up your spine, and you shivered.

They stepped closer to you until their chests hit your shoulders, but they dropped their arms. Without hesitation, you pushed the bedroom door open and walked into the room. Much to your surprise, they stayed put.

You glanced over your shoulder and pouted. “Are you guys coming or what?”

Walter beat Sy by a fraction of a second, and surprised you with a harsh hand on your hip while he growled at his friend to hold off for a second. Then, a few swift smacks landed on your ass. “That’s for teasing me the way you did. I noticed your little surprise, too. Are you still wearing that?”

Instead of answering, you let your shorts fall to the floor and stepped out of them as you made your way to the foot of the bed, where you spread your legs slightly and bent over.

“Well fuck me,” Sy stammered when he saw what Walter had been getting at.

You looked at him over your shoulder and gave him the sweetest smile. “That was the plan, sugar,” you purred. “Well… half of it, anyway.”

Walter slipped a finger into your pussy without warning and whistled through his teeth. “Fucking hell,” he muttered. “How long have you been wearing that thing?”

“Since this morning,” you admitted shyly — why were you feeling shy all of a sudden? Embarrassed, even, possibly? Were you really even entertaining the thought that they wouldn’t like it?

“Goddamn, baby…” Sy sounded impressed, and a bit of your confidence returned to you.

“No wonder you’re soaking wet,” Walter said, his tone nearly as teasing as that finger that he slowly pumped into you, leaving you squirming and clenching your muscles in a feeble attempt to get more friction. “God, you need it, don’t you. Too bad, love. You made me wait, now you can wait.” You whined as he pulled his finger back, hated him for the way he chuckled when you leaned into his touch as he swirled his fingers around your clit a few times. “Get on your knees for me, love.”

You refused, not realizing how much it hadn’t been a question, and soon you felt a hand on your shoulder that pulled your upper body off the bed as he made you stand before him. Sy watched quietly from the corner of the room, clearly amused.

Walter looked directly at you, searching your eyes for any sign of discomfort. “No flamingoes?” he asked sincerely, and you shook your head.

“None whatsoever,” you said with a beaming smile. You heard Sy chuckle in the corner. You used the same safe word with both of them — not that things typically got so rough you really needed it, but it was good to come prepared.

Walter gave you a quick kiss before ordering you to your knees again, and this time, you obeyed, glancing up at him with hopeful eyes, desperate to hear your favorite words — but he denied you. Instead, he nodded approvingly when you raised your hands, curling your fingers around the waistband of his sweatpants and underwear.

Before doing anything else, though, you turned to Sy and batted your eyelashes at him, beckoning him to come closer.

“The only thing more fun than sucking dick, is sucking two,” you said nonchalantly.

“I’m happy to watch,” Sy said with a wink.

“Liar,” you snorted. “Now get over here.”

Having both of them towering over should have felt intimidating to say the least — instead, it just made you incredibly excited. There was even a slight chance you were a little too enthusiastic when you pulled their pants down and grabbed their cocks, because the boys chuckled.

“Goddamn, sugar, we don’t deserve you,” Sy groaned when you looked up at him — then hissed when you gently rubbed your thumb along the underside of his tip.

Walter was the less patient one today, grabbing your head and pulling you towards him. With a defiant look in your eyes, you stared up at him, but he wasn’t having any of it. A decisive ‘no’ and demanding ‘open’ were enough to make you listen.

You stuck your tongue out and carefully licked a salty bead of precum from his tip, relishing the not-amused eyebrow he raised in response to your teasing. In his defense: his instructions had been clear. In your defense: you were in a mood.

“Hm, not as well-trained as I thought, I see,” Sy chuckled, struggling to keep a moan off his lips when you moved your hand lazily over his length. You shot a mischievous glance up at the boys, clearly siding with Sy in this one.

“Oh, we knew she was a handful, right?” Walter laughed. The sound turned into a low moan when you finally took the head of his cock into your mouth for a moment.

“No, you two are a handful,” you quipped before teasing Walter again.

“Mouthful,” he corrected with a wink, finally having lost all of his patience, thrusting into your mouth. You were still holding him at the base, meaning he only made it about halfway in. Walter’s hand gently closed around your wrist, his eyes quietly asking you to let go — and you obliged.

It was tough to pay any attention to Sy while Walter pushed his entire length down your throat, but he solved that problem himself by thrusting lazily into your hand. You felt his eyes on you, felt his cock twitch in your hand, and you fought back a chuckle.

Sy had never struck you like a man who got off on watching his girl suck another man’s cock — apparently you’d been wrong.

He’d also never come across as much of an impatient, whiny, little bitch. You’d been wrong about that, too.

“You were right, sugar, I’m not happy to watch,” he growled after a while, and you retreated for a moment so you could look at him. He didn’t take kindly to the smug look on your face, because he was a lot less subtle in his… persuasive techniques than Walter had been. That is to say; he pulled you towards him and took advantage of your surprised gasp by shoving his cock into your mouth.

From then on, you tried your best to divide your attention adequately between the two equally demanding guys, and to your surprise you managed really well. It helped that they both wanted it roughly the same way — but there was one of them who just couldn’t see a blowjob as a full meal…

“I’m done with this,” Sy hissed after a while, but Walter groaned.

“I’m not,” he complained. It was cute, in a way. Walter had made sure you knew how much he loved it when you gave him head, and you felt bad for him that he didn’t get his fill. Now, if only there were a solution to this heartbreaking problem…

Sy hauled you off the floor with disturbingly little effort and bent you over, grinding his hips against your ass just because he could. You hesitated before taking Walter into your mouth again. This particular setup hadn’t exactly worked out last time.

When Sy pushed into you from behind, you moaned, relishing the feeling of the skin-on-skin contact. You’d ditched condoms with both of them a while ago — something the guys had been a little happier about than you would have liked. Sure, neither of them had ever complained about using them, and you yourself were perfectly happy that they weren’t in play anymore, but still…

You allowed the rhythm of Sy’s thrust guide the movements of your mouth around Walter’s cock, which worked out well. Last time, you had at least felt somewhat in control — over Sy, at least — but now that they both towered over you, tall and dominant like never before… Your legs trembled, and you couldn’t stop moans from spilling freely over your lips.

Every last one of Sy’s movements reminded you not only of the cock in your throat — which was admittedly pretty hard to miss to begin with — but also of the butt plug you were still wearing, which intensified every sensation, every thrust…

Your fingers dug into Walter’s hip in an attempt to steady yourself — not just physically — and before long you gave up on the blowjob, letting your hand do the work instead while you muttered profanities under your breath. Until Walter pulled you up.

“God, darling, you’re a mess,” he said with a smile, a hint of concern hidden somewhere deep in his eyes. He pulled your tank top over your head and used it to clean your face up a bit. “You’re not crying, right?”

You shook your head, and opened your mouth, but before you could speak, Walter reached around you, wrapping an arm around your waist to pull you against him, using the other to push Sy off. “Stop.”

Of course, he did stop — you’d never for so much as a single second expected him not to — and he stepped closer until you felt his chest against your back.

“I really thought I’d be okay with it,” you whispered. “With being used like that, but…”

“Sorry if we were too rough on you, sugar,” Sy said, pressing his lips to your shoulder.

“Not too rough,” you said, with both a slight tremble and a sharp edge to your soft voice, “too mean. I’m your friend, not your fucktoy.”

“Right,” Sy said, and you could just hear the grin in his voice, “you may be a whore, but you’re our whore.”

That earned him a slap on the shoulder, both from you and Walter. “Oh, right,” you sneered, “as if you two sluts have a right to talk.”

Sy wrapped his arms around you and kissed your neck. “No, we certainly don’t.” Another soft kiss sent a shiver down your spine.

“I say we get her into bed and show her how much we care about her,” he said to Walter, who smiled deviously in response. The concern in his eyes hadn’t quite subsided — in fact it was as present as it had been before — but there was a hint of careful optimism that they could turn this around.

“So very, very much,” Walter said, slowly trailing his fingers over your upper arms, apparently taking the involuntary twitch of the corner of your mouth into a half-smile as a sign that you were okay to keep going.

Two pairs of devilish blue eyes looked at you as they slowly pushed you back towards the bed.

You managed to suppress a chuckle as you considered how incredibly in-character these two behaved, even — perhaps especially — now that they had committed their time and attention to making you feel cared for. Walter held you in his arms, pulling you closer every time his lips landed somewhere on your body, dedicating an indecent amount of time on your neck, no doubt leaving marks all over your skin. He relished your moans, whines and the sight of your writhing body, every plea that fell from your lips luring a chuckle from his.

Compare that to subtlety-of-a-freight-train Sy, who dove straight for your chest, wrapping his lips around your nipple while his hand impatiently rushed between your legs.

“Is he any good at that?” Walter whispered in your ear, and you laughed.

“Not nearly as good as you,” you replied, looking down just in time to see Sy raise his gaze to meet yours, squinting slightly in protest of your words. Unfortunately for him, there wasn’t so much as an iota of a lie to your statement. Hands were Walter’s territory. “There’s something he does better, though.” The sweetness of your own voice surprised you, and the smile on your face seemed to tick Sy off almost as much as you had planned.

“Now, sugar, if you’re asking me what I think you’re asking me,” he said slowly, moving his lips to your ear, “ask me. Nicely.”

He clearly hadn’t caught on to the little switch in dynamic your near-run-in with your safe word had caused — but he’d find out soon enough. A single firm push was enough to relocate him from the bed to the floor next to the bed, and you sat up on the edge of the mattress as he tried to get up.

“Down.” You warned him with your eyes more than with your voice, and to your surprise, he stayed down on his knees instead of getting up and hovering over you like he normally would — and you’d normally let him.

It was obvious from the way the muscles in his jaw tightened and the fierce eyes that stared up at you defiantly, that Sy was neither used to this nor made for this, but Walter’s hand on your thigh gave you the courage to lay down the law that the quiet man next to you had caught on to already.

“The two of you forfeited your right to boss me around back there,” you said, nodding towards the foot of the bed. There was something addictive about the sight of Sy on his knees in front of you. Below you. “I’m in charge now.”

Behind you, Walter groaned. There was a hint of a chuckle to it, but you didn’t get much time to think about it, because you swiftly became preoccupied with the movement you felt as he moved to sit behind you.

“Yes ma’am,” Sy said, his signature grin slowly spreading over his face, “as you wish.” He hooked his arms around your thighs and pulled you closer to the edge of the bed before grabbing each leg behind your knee and pushing them up.

The new position forced you to lean back, where Walter was waiting for you, his arms eagerly wrapping around you, providing some much-appreciated warmth, and you unconsciously snuggled into him. The sight made Sy chuckle as he looked up at you, one eyebrow cocked and still grinning.

“May I?” he asked. The remark had a sarcastic exterior, but the defiant glint in his eyes was nowhere near as strong as you’d expected it to be.

“I don’t know what you’re waiting for,” you said with a smile. “Oh, and Sy… No teasing. I want to cum.”

He hissed another ‘yes ma’am’ through gritted teeth before deciding he’d better get to work.

“Don’t push it,” Walter whispered in your ear, pinching your nipple to drive his point home. Of course, it was foolish of him to think you’d even be able to pay attention to him while Sy was working his magic so effortlessly that you’d almost think he’d been eating pussy for breakfast every day for the last five years. Actually…

Walter made you whine softly when he put his lips on your neck again, his hands roaming your chest and giving your nipples some well-deserved and overdue attention, and he chuckled softly. He lived for the soft, high-pitched sounds of pleasure you let out when he drove you wild with nothing but his hands.

Sy, on the other hand, made it his mission to make you scream — preferably his name, but he wasn’t exactly picky — and swear, and to no one’s surprise but much to your satisfaction, he managed every single time. This time was no exception; as soon as you felt his tongue against your pussy and his fingers eagerly tracing a line along your slit, finding your entrance, you hissed.

“Fuck,” you whispered, already out of breath from sheer anticipation, your body begging for Sy to make quick work of this like you knew he could, so you could move on to fulfil your other burning needs… Only he didn’t.

Just as you were about to remind him of your order to not tease you, you realized something else was the matter. Something else entirely. He wasn’t stalling. He wasn’t teasing. He was… struggling.

A tiny little sliver of a thought crossed your mind for a split-second, begging you to taunt him and ask him what was taking so damn long, but you mentally crushed it with a bat and moved on to more productive ideas as you felt Sy lean his head against your thigh.

He sighed. “You messed with my head, sugar,” he admitted.

“Only because you let me,” you scoffed. “Sy there’s no one who does what you do. Now show me you’re the man I know you to be and finish me off, because I need it.”

“Careful what you wish for, sugar,” he said with a grin, looking much more like the guy you knew than he had a moment before.

From the moment he put his mouth back on you, it was game over, and you knew you were about to get everything you had asked for — and so much more. You moaned when he pushed two fingers into you, reminding you — just for a moment — about the time you’d asked him about that. Because he sure as hell didn’t need his hands to get you where you needed to be, so why involve them at all? The simple answer had been that he liked the way you squeezed him when he pushed you over that edge. You’d called him a smug bastard, and you still stood by that assessment. In fact, he was well on his way to prove your point to you again.

“Fuck, Sy!” you cried out when a flick of his tongue finished you off, and you felt your muscles spasm uncontrollably around his fingers. It was annoying that you were aware of it now, because you knew it made him feel extra good about himself.

Your moment of ecstasy was cut short by a pained grunt and a sharp smack on your wrist from Walter. “That hurts, darling,” he growled, gesturing at his arm, where you’d dug your fingernails into his skin — not deep enough to draw blood, but still leaving quite a mark.

Sy chuckled, and without taking his mouth off you, he looked up — at Walter, not at you. This look that they shared, you decided even though you could only see half of it, you did not like one bit — an educated guess that was confirmed when Walter reached for your legs, pulling them back even further.

“Still good?” he asked you while Sy looked around in search of something before checking the drawer of the nightstand and triumphantly retrieving the bottle of lube you’d stashed there. This time, it was not your hair-lube. It wasn’t your first rodeo, after all.

“Sure,” you answered Walter, sounding far more sarcastic than you intended, “being manhandled like this is my favourite pastime.”

“It’s not?” Walter asked, not buying into your act.

“Could’ve fooled me,” Sy said, diving back between your legs before you had a chance to say something snarky in response to his uncalled-for attitude. He licked the length of your pussy before settling at your clit, making you moan and roll your hips against him impatiently. It wasn’t until you felt his fingers move towards the base of the butt plug you were still wearing that you remembered he’d grabbed the lube at all — and the thought disappeared as quickly as it had surfaced because Sy never took his mouth off your pussy.

You moaned loudly when he took it out and even louder when a finger slowly took its place. “Oh God,” you said, leaning your head back against Walter’s shoulder while you tried to make sense of everything you were feeling.

“Nope, just me, sugar,” Sy said, making part of you want to kick him in the head. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be possible because of the iron grip Walter had on your legs. Shame. Besides, why would you even want to kick him when he was about to make you cum again? The answer to that question would have to wait, because yet another expertly executed move toppled you over the edge into bliss for the second time that night — and judging by the look on Sy’s face as he used the convenient moment of relaxation to work a second finger into your ass, it was nowhere near the last time that night you’d be trembling under his touch.

Your thought was confirmed when you heard Walter speak up, his voice breathy and drenched with lust: “One more.”

“Orgasm or finger?” you asked without thinking, to which his reaction was simply: ‘yes.’

Of course, Sy, diligent as ever, got to work immediately, flicking his tongue over your clit like it was his job, while his fingers pumped into your ass. Walter trusted you to keep your legs apart, letting go of you purely so his hands could get back to giving your boobs the attention he thought they deserved.

It was impossible to put into words how much you enjoyed being the center of attention, and if they hadn’t realized that by now, they probably wouldn’t — but you’d find that extremely hard to believe, especially with the way you were reaching for and grasping at both of them while Sy pulled a third orgasm from you. And then a fourth. And a fifth.

He didn’t stop until you were gasping for air in Walter’s arms. “I’m tapping out,” you panted, sucking in quick breaths between words.

Sy laughed and, without pulling his fingers out of your ass, got up to kiss you. His beard was wet, you could taste yourself on his tongue, and as far as you were concerned, you might as well have died and gone to heaven. When you opened your eyes, so did he, and you could see the longing in his eyes; a violently burning need that you immediately recognized.

It just so happened that, over the past six months, Sy had never actually gained backstage access, so to speak. It had never come up, and the one time he did ask about it had been so close to this trip that you’d denied him, hoping his first time — fine, his first time with you — would strike a poetic parallel with Walter’s.

“Do I ask, sugar?” he said almost mockingly, but still gentle enough that his remark just served as a reminder that you were still in charge.

“No,” you said, waiting just long enough to continue to give the man some idle hope, “you fucking beg for it.” Speaking of parallels with last time…

They were both going to have to swallow their pride — it just so happened that Walter had a hell of a lot less of it than Sy did. Alternatively, he just had far less trouble getting over himself.

“I swear to God I’m going to die if I don’t get to fuck you,” he growled in your ear. “Please let me.”

You bit your lip and giggled before looking at Sy with a raised eyebrow. His turn.

“Sugar, I’ve been dreaming about that sweet ass of yours” — his tone was calm, but his eyes were pleading with you in the most endearing way — “would you please finally let me find out…” His voice trailed off.

You looked at him for a moment before nodding, and you got up.

“He’s been missing out?” Walter asked while he took your place at the edge of the bed before grabbing your hips and turning you around, so you were facing him. Sy scoffed and mumbled something inaudible that you decided to pay no attention to.

You were too busy climbing on top of Walter, anyway, straddling his thighs but in no hurry to get railed just yet. He inhaled sharply when you reached between your bodies to grab his cock. That lengthy session with you as the sole focus of it had definitely taken its toll on them — neither of them were probably going to last very long.

You kissed Walter, slipping your tongue past his lips while you got up on your knees to allow him space to line himself up with your entrance. He moaned when you lowered yourself onto his cock slowly, taking your time to enjoy every inch of him.

“Fuck, you’re wet,” he grunted softly when you finally sat all the way down.

You shrugged. “Your fault.”

“Excuse me?” Sy said, his tone offended. “I want my credit.”

“Credit, my ass,” you teased, hoping Sy would take that for the invitation you intended it to be. Luckily, he did.

You dug your nails into Walter’s shoulders when Sy pushed into your ass, not because he was hurting you or anything — you wouldn’t have endured that, and they knew that. Not that they had any intention of hurting you to begin with… — but mostly because you were completely overwhelmed by the feeling of the two of them inside of you.

A soft chuckle escaped you when you noticed Walter taking on the role Sy had last summer; studying your face for signs of discomfort and checking in with you to see if you were alright.

“I’m good,” you said after letting out a very dramatic sigh, causing Walter to look at you as if you were lying. “Fucking amazing. Promise. Kinda missed this.” You swallowed hard and relaxed into the feeling of being completely filled with cock. “Whew!”

The guys both laughed, which made you kind of want to smack them — but you didn’t. Because you were nice. Right?

“As long as neither of you has ever taken a dick up the ass, I don’t wanna hear it,” you warned them, and the laughter died down suspiciously quickly. Still, even though you were convinced that they were convinced that you were okay, they didn’t move.

“You’re in charge,” Walter said, shrugging indifferently and taking the slap to the shoulder in stride. Apparently, it was worth it to see you get a little worked up over their shenanigans. Needless to say, you did not agree with that assessment.

“I came on this trip to get railed,” you said, “fuckin’ make it happen!”

It was all the encouragement they needed; Walter lifted you out of his lap slightly to give himself room to move, and Sy pulled back a little, and precisely those two small moves made it very obvious to you that you’d made a huge mistake. Quite possibly the best mistake of your life, but a mistake, nonetheless.

You couldn’t help but scream when they both slammed into you, practically knocking the air out of your lungs. Walter fell back onto the mattress with you in his arms, and you let him drag you along without protest.

“Relax,” he whispered, “we’re not gonna last, anyway.”

You took his advice, burying your face in Walter’s neck while muttering ‘fuck’ with every single brutal thrust. They weren’t going to last; you could hear it in the grunts that escaped them, the way they breathed and their wavering rhythms, but damn if they didn’t put what little time they had to good use. ‘Fucking you six ways to Sunday’ would have been an understatement, even though you couldn’t for the life of you come up with something better to describe what they were doing to you.

Much to your surprise, Sy managed to outlast Walter by a few thrusts — which was no doubt going to make him insufferably cocky, but you’d deal with that later. When they tried to pull out, you stopped them.

“Gimme a minute,” you muttered, wanting to hold on to the feeling a little bit longer. It made you realize you didn’t do this nearly as much as you’d like to. Maybe it was time to bring that up?

“Did I lie?” Walter asked Sy, his voice as neutral as he could manage — but you could see the smile pulling ever so slightly at the corners of his mouth.

“Not a word,” Sy said. “Sugar, let’s get you into the shower.”

“No, I’m tired,” you complained, but apparently your time in charge had ended as soon as they’d both pumped you full of cum, because they raised their eyebrows at each other and manhandled you all the way to the bathroom and into the shower. You took revenge by insisting you were freezing — which wasn’t a lie — and demanding hotter water.

The boys played an annoying game of ‘trying to get your hair wet’ while they quickly washed theirs — with bodywash. Bodywash! — which made it really tempting to punch them both in the dick, but you decided against that. After all, you’d be needing those. Both of them.

After the shower, the three of you stopped in the hallway for reasons that weren’t immediately obvious to you — and then you saw what the guys were hesitant about. Both of them stood there, looking at you, at each other, and at their respective bedroom doors, before looking back into the bedroom the three of you had just had all that fun in.

“If you two so much as think you can sleep anywhere but next to me tonight,” you said sternly, “you’re sorely mistaken.”

Sy was the first to notice the small crack in your voice at the end of that sentence, and he immediately pulled you into a tight hug. From there, it was impossible to fight back the tears that welled up in your eyes. “Not goin’ anywhere, sugar,” he said, wiping the wet trails off your cheeks before kissing you softly.

“I’m also not as comfortable naked right now as I was ten minutes ago, so I’ll be right back,” Water said before disappearing into his room.

He kept his promise — not that you’d expected anything else — and climbed into bed with you moments later.

“Don’t push me out again,” Sy chuckled before pressing his lips to your shoulder, and you playfully nudged him with your ass, causing him to grab you and tangle his legs with yours.

It took a while for the three of you to settle on positions everyone was comfortable with — especially since you demanded that the boys touched as much of you as possible, while they appreciated touching as little of each other as possible.

“Do you like sharing me?” you asked quietly when you were snuggled up nicely against both of them.

“No, I hated every minute of what we just did,” Walter said, accompanying the remark with a dramatic eyeroll and a deep sigh.

Sy snorted derisively. “I know there ain’t no stupid questions, sugar, but I vote we make an exception for that one.”

“Okay, well,” you said, your voice still trembling, “answer the only stupid question in existence, then. Please?”

“If you think I invited y’all up here to torture myself or practice my self-control or whatever, you’re kiddin’ yourself,” Sy muttered before pressing his lips to your temple.

“And to actually provide a yes-or-no answer to your yes-or-no question,” Walter said. “Yes. We do like it. We’d actually been talking about how this was… overdue.”

“I agree,” you said, attempting to swallow the lump in your throat. Now came the hard part. “There’s one thing I don’t agree with, though.”

The boys both raised their eyebrows at you, and wrapped their arms around you a little tighter when they felt your whole body tremble against theirs. “I know we said… pre-exclusive” — meaning you’d agreed to fuck other people using condoms — “but I don’t think I want either of you screwing anyone else. I know it’s probably selfish, and—”

“Sugar, shut up,” Sy said, sealing his lips over yours so you were forced to stop speaking.

“We haven’t been screwing anyone,” Walter added. “Well, except for you, of course.”

It was clear the two of them had taken some time to talk this through as well — without including you in that conversation, apparently. That stung, but you got it.

“We only talked it over because we felt it would be a matter of time before you… made a choice,” Sy muttered, hiding his face in the crook of your neck.

“I did make a choice,” you replied, “I’m picking both of you.”

#syverson x reader #captain syverson fanfiction #syverson fanfiction #captain syverson #syverson #henry cavill characters #henrycavill fanfic #henry cavill fanfiction #walter marshall #syverson smut #walter marshall x reader #walter marshall fanfiction #walter marshall fanfic

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gabessquishytum · 6 months

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Dream hates his friends!

He doesn't like to celebrate his birthdays loudly, in restaurants where the staff wear "flare" and will sing you "Happy Birthday" while clapping, like you're turning 7, but his friends insist that he needs to have "fun"!

So this year, they chose a Western themed bar and restaurant for Dream's birthday party. The restaurant even has a mechanical bull that Dream knows his friends are going to take turns riding as they get more drinks in them. The 2nd hand embarrassment will be overwhelming!

Dream is enduring (frown-y wet cat face), not drunk enough for any of it and just looking around at the other parties in the restaurant when he sees this dark haired handsome man with his friends currently egging him on to get on the mechanical bull. Dream can hear the man vaguely over the din complaining, smilingly, that he isn't a "slutty blond" anymore. Then the table starts chanting what Dream assumes is his name --- "Hob, Hob, Hob,,,,," --- when Hob agrees, his table cheers. (Hob put upon face makes Dream smile into his shitty beer.)

Then this Hob person rocks Dream's world with how scorching hot he looks riding that bull.

Hob's friends where egging him on to get on the bull because they saw him staring at the hot goth wearing a birthday boy cowboy hat. They figured that flirting through sexy riding will at least be a good conversation starter.

Thinking about that video of the guys on the mechanical bull that occasionally does the rounds here on tumblr...... yeah <3

Hob isn't even GOOD at riding the bull, OK. His experience with riding half the dicks south of the river APPARENTLY just didn't help at all, and he clings on desperately for a minimal amount of time then slithers miserably to the floor.

And of course Dream has to check that the gorgeous, hot, all around delicious man is ok. Dream thought that his bull riding was supremely sexy (he may be wearing rose tinted glasses because he thinks that Hob is cute anyway). It makes Hob’s evening significantly better when he peels himself off the floor and finds Hot Goth waiting for him anxiously. Dream pulls him off towards the bar to buy him a reviving dose of something alcoholic (mostly because he wants to watch the way Hob’s throat bobs as he swallows down the shot).

Dream's birthday starts to get rather wonderful after that. Hob steals his diamanté cowboy hat. Dream demands payment, and Hob kisses him on the cheek! He blushes, like he actually meant to kiss Dream properly but chickened out at the last moment, and it's both the cutest and sexiest thing he's ever seen. Hob is a slut but he is also shy and he really does want to kiss Dream!!! Maybe he just needs Dream to be direct with him...

Dream's friends finally find him later in a corner booth - more accurately he's in Hob’s lap, allegedly demonstrating the proper technique for riding a mechanical bull. It looks a lot like he's actually grinding down, moments away from making them both cum in their pants but hey. It is his birthday. He can be gross in public this one time.

And if Hob gets over his shyness and sucks Dream’s soul out through his cock must later, well, no one has to see that. They're staying in Dream’s flat aaaalllll weekend <3

#the sandman #dreamling #nsft

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archangeldyke-all · 5 months

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im 100% gonna assume tumblr ate this ask, or maybe you didn't wanna do it, if not then obvi that's your choice but! i went skating on the 6th- yes I'm still thinking about this- for my baby cousin's birthday and I could not stop thinking about sev with a skating reader

maybe sev has never rollerskated a day in her life, maybe she's already good at it, but ik for sure that once she was good at it she and reader would be that skating couple that be at the rink basically slow grinding around the floor (idk if that happens like... outside of the hood??? but yk like the old heads that be line dancing but in skate, there's the younger or like new adults that be skating all sexy like and shit)

maybe reader works at the skating rink or something and sev comes there regularly on her off days idfk but I need a rollerskating couple reader/sev omggggggg

THIS IS SO .... mARS THIS IS SO CUTE

men and minors dni

sevika can't skate for SHIT

the first time you take her to a rink, she's all cocky. she's seen the videos of couples dancing around the rink, and you took her to a nighttime session-- no kids allowed-- she knows what's coming.

what she doesn't know is that skating's not just something she can pick up like that.

so you're circling her, twirling around in excitement as she laces up, and she stands, thrilled to finally get to grind on you.

and she abruptly eats major shit.

like, legs flailing in the air, ass hitting the ground, completely wipes out.

of course, you start cracking up. she's fine, she's not bleeding or anything, so you have nothing to be worried about (except maybe dying from oxygen deprivation from how hard you're laughing.)

and sevika's on the ground like :O

like she had no idea that skates would be so... slidey.

eventually, you catch your breath, and sevika gets on all fours, slowly pulling herself to standing.

you help her to the rink, and she's literally shaking the entire time. she's got one hand on the wall, one hand on your shoulder, gripping onto you like her life depends on it.

and people and couples are gliding past you as you help sevika slowly slowly circle the ring, and she gets so fucking pissed off and embarrassed because "they make it look so fucking easy!"

if you try to let go of her to do a little lap, she'll freak out, grabbing onto you with both hands and screaming while you pull her away from the wall. she's so dramatic.

anyways, the night is full of sevika pouting as you slowly try to teach her how to move. she's stubborn and clumsy and stiff as shit, and she keeps on falling onto her ass.

you have to keep pressing kisses to her face, pinning her against the tiny half wall and kissing away her pout until she's ready to go for another round.

"this is no fucking fun." she mumbles, pouting.

"this is the best date we've had in months!" you say, giggling against her mouth. she groans.

"that's just 'cause you like seeing me eat shit." she complains. you giggle.

"it's just funny sev! my big tough muscly girlfriend can't skate!" you say. she huffs, and you lean forward to kiss her again. "you know, there's a bar here... and we can always just grind on the carpet." you say. sevika's pout lessens, a little interest sparking in her eye, and you giggle. "but!" you say, and she groans. "you have to promise to come back with me for a few more weeks." you say.

"no fuckin' way!" she cries. you laugh.

"you'll get better if you keep practicing!" you say. she rolls her eyes. "plus, then we can grind like they are." you say, nodding to an old couple who've been running laps around the two of you all night. the old man's got his hands on his lady's hips, and she's got a grin on her face as they skate to the rhythm of the music, occasionally twirling around to press kisses to each other's lips. sevika sighs, admiring the sweet couple, before she looks back at you.

"are there butt pads or somethin' i can wear next time?" she asks. you grin.

"we'll put you in four pairs of boxers-- it'll pad your falls." you say. sevika sighs and then smiles.

"fine. take me to the fuckin' bar." she says. you grin and start slowly skating sevika toward the exit of the rink.

taglist!

@lesbeaniegreenie @fyeahnix @sapphicsgirl @half-of-a-gay @ellabslut @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner @shimtarofstupidity @love-sugarr @chuucanchuucan @222danielaa @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther @gr0ssz0mbi3 @ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @leomatsuzaki

#this is SO CUTE she'd be like a newborn deer #i'm actually teaching myself how to skate-- i haven't gotten on my skates in months with all the cold and ice but still i'm trying #it's SO cool that you can skate well enough to dance mars omg that's my goal #someday...#sevika #sevika imagine #sevika arcane #sevika x reader #sevika x you #soft sevika

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h-harleybaby · 1 year

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cartman on ft (facetime) w/ his partner? like how would he act or what kinda stuff he would screenshare with them on call

Eric Cartman on ft with his partner + what he would screenshare hcs

Omg

Screen share is giving me flashbacks to the stupid shit me and my ex bf would look at on his Reddit 💀

You’re so smart tho- that’s a good idea <333

• Let’s be honest, doing ANYTHING with Eric is an experience. So ofc this is too

• He always demands to be on ft with you when y’all aren’t together. He wants to see your face all the time <3333

• AND HE ALWAYS LOOKS SO UGLY ON FT BECAUSE HE ALWAYS PUTS HIS PHONE AT THE MOST OFF PUTTING ANGLES BECAUSE HE THINKS ITS HILARIOUS

• That ^^ but sometimes he doesn’t look disgusting on ft and looks really handsome

• There’s no in between, it’s ugly af or hot

• He’s always taking screenshots of you, he refuses to delete them too. All of them range from you doing the mundane, to ugly pictures of you when your camera freezes, to absolutely gorgeous ones

• Eric insists that every picture he has of you is beautiful… in private- otherwise he shows everyone and is like “doesn’t she look so stupid??? I love her <3”

• Best way to get his attention on ft (or literally anywhere) is stop paying attention to him and start reading. Something about you reading some stupid book instead of paying attention to him and talking to him pisses him off to no end 💀

• This man does N O T stop talking and he’ll have complete conversations with his friends while on ft with you

• Then involves you in the convos- like “Y/n are you hearing this shit???” and “Y/n, babe what do you think?”

• Has fallen asleep on ft with you before and enjoys it sm when y’all ain’t near each other

• I headcanon that y’all are neighbors so whenever one of y’all is visiting relatives or not in South Park he spams you till you ft with him

• Definitely complains to you about his relatives or his mom during vacations at the end of the day

• If you’re somewhere with a different time zone and you call him at the middle of the night forgetting, he’ll wake up immediately and pretend like he couldn’t sleep and that was the only reason he answered

• The ringtone for his alarm and your ringtone are the same so he kinda trained himself to wake up whenever you call

• Probably uses your favorite song or some love song that reminds him of you for his alarm and your ringtone

• ANYWAYS-

• The things Eric screenshares scare anyone who isn’t good friends with him or dating him

• I don’t give a shit what you say, he’s a very active Reddit user while you’re a super active tumblr user

• So ofc he’ll screenshare Reddit and stuff

• Maybe YouTube too

• You probably don’t enjoy any of shit he puts on from YouTube but you just suck it up because he does the same for you, ya know??

• He scrolls through Reddit and makes fun of a bunch of shit y’all see

• Has looked at nsfw on Reddit with you if you’re ok with it and he doesn’t wanna say he’s horny so he just hopes you get the message. Literally just laughs awkwardly and is like “isn’t that so stupid? … we should do that” or “that’s so dumb to cosplay sexy [something] but wouldn’t it be like- really funny if you did for me 👉👈”

• Eric makes fun of the stupid mfs he sees on Reddit with you

• Probably trolls people on Reddit and asks for your advice on what to say to them if he starts to run out of ideas

• Occasionally he goes on tumblr for you

• He’s scared by what he witnesses

• Very scared

• The fanfic scares him but he secretly enjoys it

• “Y/n what the fuck is this hell site??!” “It’s not a hell site >:(“

• Eric’s really confused by tumblr but he loves that he has a gf who’s on tumblr because he enjoys the screenshots you send him of stuff you find there

Do y’all like it???

#harley’s requests!#south park x reader headcanons #south park x reader #south park x y/n #eric cartman x reader #cartman x reader #Eric cartman x y/n #h harleybaby needs help #Harley’s anons <33

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napoleonic-sexyman-tournament · 3 months

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Thomas-Alexandre Dumas:

“mustache”

“Tall! Daring! Swashbuckling! A devoted husband and father! Had a personal conflict with Napoleon! Also it was said he could, while holding onto a bar above his head, LIFT A HORSE WITH HIS THIGHS. How is he not on this list ten times already! Vote for General Dumas!”

“He was so hot that he inspired The Three Musketeers, The Count of Monte Cristo, and many more books that his son, Alexandre Dumas, wrote. He definitely looked the part of a sexyman, as he son recounts in his memoirs: "My father, as already stated, was twenty-four, and as handsome a young fellow as could be found anywhere. His complexion was dark, his eyes of a rich chestnut colour [...]. His teeth were white, his lips mobile, his neck well set on his powerful shoulders, and, in spite of his height of five feet nine inches, he had the hands and feet of a woman. These feet were the envy of his mistresses, whose shoes he was very rarely able to put on." He could crush you between his thighs: "His free colonial life had developed his strength and prowess to an extraordinary degree; he was a veritable American horse-lad, a cowboy. His skill with gun or pistol was the envy of St. Georges and Junot. And his muscular strength became a proverb in the army. More than once he amused himself in the riding-school by passing under a beam, and lifting his horse between his legs." He was so badass he could beat 13 men with 4 and take all the enemy prisoner, and defend against hundreds of men on a bridge by himself. He performed these acts of valour numerous times in Italy. He was so formidable that the Austrians named him the "Schwartz Teufel", or the Black Devil, and his feat at the bridge earned him the moniker of "Horatius Cocles of Tyrol". He wasn't afraid to stand up to his morals and protest against unfair treatment. When unjust executions by the guillotine were happening outside his quarters, he closed the blinds of his curtains, earning him the nickname "Mr. Humanity". When in the Vendée, he complained about the wanton indiscipline in his troops. When in Italy, Berthier wrongly reported his actions as one of "observation" in St. Antonio. Dumas wrote to General Bonaparte that if Berthier was in the same position, he would have shit his pants. Dumas abhorred plunder, never exhorted the locals, and ordered the Directory agent who had come to persuade him otherwise be shot if he dared present himself to Dumas again. Integrity and a sense of moral justice is sexy, mark my words. For Dumas' final qualifier as a sexyman, look no further than this Tumblr heritage post (https://www.tumblr.com/petermorwood/133803437020/hortensevanuppity-elodieunderglass), with 300,000 notes and counting. And I quote: "- daddy general dumas was an immense fierce french warrior who was a 6 foot plus, stunningly gorgeous and charismatic Black gentleman - he invaded egypt - the native egyptians said “is this napoleon? this must be napoleon. we for one welcome our majestic new overlord” - then napoleon showed up - napoleon has all the presence of yesterday’s plain Tesco hummus - the native egyptians were like “… no… no, we’ve thought very hard and we’ll have General Dumas actually” - this did not make napoleon happy - in fact it made him jealous - napoleon felt so emasculated that he launched a campaign of revenge against General Dumas, including taking away his pension, that probably inspired a lot of Alexandre’s rather satisfying scenes in which fathers are nobly avenged and the money-grubbing villains are rubbed in the mud" I rest my case. Tl;dr: He was so hot he inspired multiple books, he was a stronk man who could crush you between his thighs or carry you like a sack of potatoes, and he was so badass that he could take on odds of 1 to 3. He had a foul mouth but a heart of gold and his actions were never self-serving. Posts relating to him on Tumblr have had 300,000 notes and counting. He is qualitatively and quantitatively qualified to be a sexyman.”

Bon-Adrien Jeannot de Moncey

“Honesty and integrity (letter to Louis XVIII against sitting for Ney's court-martial, getting imprisoned for 3 months for it). Very sexy. Defending the capital (Paris) is also very sexy.”

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ectokelpeigh · 1 year

Text

You animals complained about my Tumblr Sexyman™ poll because your actually sexy favs weren’t on it. So for my thirsty buckaroos:

#technus is going to be on every poll i ever make as a rule now #not letting the furries sweep with Wulf but you have Frostbite as a treat #I had to remake this post because I forgot a couplendndbdbde #Danny Phantom #polls #klo

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abnerkrill · 5 months

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Nik! Did you watch Rebel Moon? How was it?

Yes hello this is my 4 star review of rebel moon on letterboxd.

But first: a professional, somewhat critical review of rebel moon that engages with the film well, especially regarding anti-colonial themes, and isn't just knee-jerk regurgitated Snyder haterism:

And now more of my thoughts: [edit: Oh No, He Went And Talked For 3 Hours About It, Thanks For Coming To My TedTalk:)

No one has a better knack at putting together a cast list SO ATTRACTIVE TO THE BISEXUALS. read it and weep, boys. (Jena Malone is there too but really just for 1 set piece)

...Jena Malone's one (1) scene set piece features her as an alien spider woman with legitimate grievances against the Empire who now wants to kill kids because all her kids were killed. Like, so valid, girl. Also, did I say Jena Malone as an alien spider-woman? And this is just one scene.

Look, if that pitch doesn't hook you, this film may not be for you, and that's okay, but by GOD my people are the people who hear "Jena Malone alien spider woman" and perk up. I love you, freaks.

The cinematography is ace and always will be under Snyder's direction. music by Tom Holkenborg SLAPS. Costuming and design overall is super super strong. (People on this hellsite are always complaining about inadequate, boring as hell sci-fi design and you get RM and you don't appreciate it for what it is. WAKE UP.)

Costume showcase! Second from the right in this photo showing off those sweet sweet sci-fi costume designs is my beloved non-binary they/them revolutionary Milius. CANONICALLY non-binary, let me add. Imagine SW doing that lmaoooooooooooo D*ve Filoni would fuckin keel over and die

Kora! Our tragic female protagonist of color who's over 40, with a dark edgy sexy background. [KIDNAPPED AS A CHILD!! DEAD FAMILY!!! DEAD LOVER!!!!!!! SHE FAILED TO PROTECT HER WARD FROM ASSASSINATION!!!!! SHE IS THE MOST WANTED WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE!!]

Bitches on tumblr LOVE taking failmen with sad backstories from media and blorbifying them, but the second it's a woman? please. If this was a man people would be writing the filthiest x reader smut you've seen since Mandalorian S1 came out. If this was a man you'd already have seen 20,000 fan drawings of her with her muscles and tits OUT. God where's my Kora fanart.

I personally have no problems with the plot of this movie (part 1 of 2) being "we must collect warriors to fight the evil empire." That's kinda fantasy story 101 and I still love new, varied interpretations of that plot.

If there's not much interconnecting plot because Kora's just gathering fighters, it's kinda like... that's the point, babes, they'll actually get to it in part 2. We're just at the "forming the team" stage. I revel in that part of a fantasy film and I always want it to be longer, so this film is like catnip to me.

Uh, yeah, this is getting long. More under the cut.

Entertainment professional nitpick time! I've seen someone say RM would be better as a TV show to introduce a new character each episode. And I truly don't think that fixes any of the problems this person has with the film, while introducing way more problems. (Who the fuck would go in on an original concept TV show where each episode introduces a new hero. You could not sell that pitch to a studio, ever, and viewers would instantly check out if they didn't like the introduced character of the week, and the same complaints would be made: it’s just a new character intro blah blah blah. This wouldn’t fix anything! It would very much make it worse!)

Me, like every day, through gritted teeth: that's... not... how... tv... works...

Like be realistic for a hot second with me. Television is not "long movie"—it is a different medium with different rules. Yes, the past decade has blurred many lines between TV and film, but they're still different mediums, and when people blur them ("it's a 10-hour movie!") the results often suck ass, because you either lack episodic structure or you lack feature structure. Snyder is a feature filmmaker who has never worked in TV. Whenever features people jump into TV, it's a whole other learning curve! They're usually terrible at it! You want Snyder to have to learn a new medium? You want him to learn 5/6-act TV structure from scratch? You want him to (horrified gasp) lead a writers room? Those are not his strengths, baby. Let him play in his space opera sandbox.

And I'm not done! You want the casting team to have to deal with the headache of getting feature film actors to star in a TV show? (Pay cuts! Longer commitments! TV production timelines!) You want to do that to me, personally, and fuck up the TV landscape some more by going, "Oh, we can basically just make a Longer Feature Film in TV"? Fuck off with that. TV has different production realities and different basic story structures. A [long] film [with two parts] is still a film, in structure and production practicalities.

Truly, Tumblr media studies brains (derogatory) at it again.

To each their own, but again, I think RM's structure is fun because it gives me more of the goodies (badass, varied character intros) for the price of one (2-hour film.) Like... that's the good stuff, that's often the most exhilarating part of a film for me. And contrary to popular belief, it's not intro to intro without rising tension or stakes. It builds tension as it goes because new facets of resistance against the Motherworld are explored in each character's intro scene. New ways they fight back, new worlds on which they fight back. And a ticking time bomb of the King's Gaze (king's gays lol) catching up.

Here, have a trailer bc Tumblr's mad at me for too much text in one block.

youtube

...I like the RM characters. I want to spend time with them and see what other zany shenanigans Snyder will have them do. (Alien bar fights! Taming a space gryphon! Lightsaber battle!) I like the side-quest-y, exploratory, space opera sandbox playground nature. It's fun, and like, again, if you don't perk up at the concept of collecting cool characters like action figures, this film may just not be for you.

To me it's a polycule. Like, the most messed up polycule in the whole galaxy, but it's a polycule.

Speaking of: THE CHARACTERS ROCK. Yeah, we're missing some significant character development because Netflix truncated Snyder's 4-hr, R-rated film into a 2-hr PG-13 version (likely to be able to release the 4-hr cut later, drum up new press, and get more eyeballs on the movie in total in a few months.) That's... not really Snyder's fault [even though he claims he's in on the plan... some part of me thinks it was Netflix's idea and not his. Stinks of studio meddling.] And it's not indicative of the quality of the actual film, which I currently see as more of an abridged version of the R-rated film that's gonna come out and fill up some of these story holes.

If people are judging the film for not being the 4-hour version, and then decide not to see the 4-hour version, that's their call, but it's kinda shitty to act like the 2-hr version is all there is. Like it probably wasn't Snyder's call to do a 2-hr cut! He's said that the 4-hr one is a whole different movie. I betcha the common criticisms (not enough character development, just jumps from character intro to character intro without interconnection, lack of structure) will be helped, if not outright solved, by the longer cut.

I think people are also happy to take a Part 1 of a movie if it's, say, Dune, and the source material has another part, so Part 1 is allowed to be fucking boring, whereas people don't give that kind of allowance to original sci-fi movies, WHICH IS A REASON WE DON'T GET ORIGINAL SCI-FI. If you're painting with as huge and cosmic a palette as space opera Rebel Moon, the 4-8 hours total across the 2 four-hour parts is kinda bare minimum for an epic. So... patience is a virtue? Let part 1 have elements of IT'S KIND OF A PROLOGUE?

What's that saying? If you want the rewards of space opera worldbuilding with an ensemble cast, you must submit to the mortifying ordeal of 2 hours of setup. Geez. Enjoy the wacky exposition or get out of the space opera genre.

Yeah, that leads me to the point of people who don't enjoy space opera are getting mad at RM for fulfilling the promises of the genre. You might truly be happier elsewhere. The whole thing is over-the-top, huge-scale MELODRAMA and I thrive on melodrama. If it's too cheesy for you, don't come to space operas!!!!!!!

On that note, people have said RM is too tropey and too Star Wars-y. But like I said. If you don't love the tropes get out of the genre!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you aren't here for bloodier/hornier Star Wars get out of RM!!!!

Another big idea I would be remiss to skip over. RM is an explicitly, deliberately anti-colonial, anti-imperial text—far, far more so than any other mainstream sci-fi currently being released. Well-intentioned liberals love to tout Star Trek/Star Wars as progressive media but they really hedge and defang all their political commentary, especially in their 21st century franchise form—think the SW sequels/shows straight up woobifying K*lo Ren in realtime and the Trek shows that (while fun!) are really often just nostalgia bait.

RM is pretty fucking radical. Its theme basically is Kill Nazis—or in expanded form, something along the lines of "The empire will eat up everything of value in the universe unless it is met with unified armed resistance built on solidarity."

And just look at RM's casting. We're not colorblind here; we're very color-conscious. (That's a rant for another day, but I've really started to despise colorblind casting for its extremely well-intentioned-liberal "we're all the same" mentality. It just winds up erasing.) Anyway: RM features the explicitly American-English-Afrikaans empire vs. the Algerian Amazigh protagonist, Black freedom fighters, Japanese revolutionary... and like. Snyder's always gonna be into Vikings so obviously we have Space Vikings too, whatever. Look at me, I can criticize Snyder too! The Poor Sad Space Vikings are not the strongest part of the film!

...Anyway of course the empire vs. revolution is absolutely kind of Star Wars-y since RM is highkey Snyder's Star Wars, but it goes so much further than SW dreamed (or, perhaps, nightmared). SW's rebels/resistance continually get defanged because they're kind of foundationally space magic/singular hero's quest deals, and modern SW with the exception of Rogue One/Andor is just politically, socially stupid. In contrast, RM is about forming a coalition, without something like the Force to help you out. I could write an essay on the ways RM starts in the same place Star Wars starts but takes its politics so much more seriously, so much further.

While I'd argue "good politics" and "artistic quality" rarely correlate, RM is explicitly and doggedly a text about the colonial empire that exploits, enslaves, abuses, and seeks to utterly control marginalized people groups in its quest for domination—and god, I would LOVE to see a resurgence in very fanged, very angry political sci-fi.

One more aside. Snyder has been rightfully criticized for his earlier works basking in fascist-adjacent, hypermasculine aesthetics; 300 is notably super duper racist in how it depicts savage/monstrous Persians vs. Beautifully Good White Spartans Defending Their Culture. (more on "300 Bad" stored up in my brain if anyone wants THAT rant.) To Snyder's credit, none of his films since 300 have really done that—parts of Batman v Superman and his cut of Justice League purposefully poke fun at it. The hypermasculinity is kinda still there, but it's subsumed in the service of melodrama and mythic-flavored cinema, and it's kinda a staple of the action genre anyway, and if you're gonna criticize Snyder without criticizing EVERY ACTION MOVIE EVER, that's just more regurgitated Snyder haterism.

No one is doing mythic action like Snyder these days. No one has the balls and the command of melodrama & operatic visuals. And it comes clearly from Snyder's background in art & art history because all his shots are jam-packed with symbolism and meaning and allusion. So criticize the film for its weaknesses if you like but geez, if I see another post railing about the lack of CRAFT in RM, I will start biting. ALMOST NO BLOCKBUSTER HAS THIS LEVEL OF CRAFT. It's okay that you don't understand visual storytelling, babygirl, but please don't accuse Snyder of lacking craft.

Sorry, you've triggered Cinema Defense Mechanisms in me, I'm gonna have to sit down for a while after this.

I have more takes. Takes hot enough to fuel the King's Gaze (king's gays lol.) But I'll end with a funny observation: I transed my gender (cheers, shouts, hoorays) just about the time I was getting ready to watch Rebel Moon, and in one shocking, epiphanic moment I turned to my partner and went "Of COURSE I'm a man. I like Zack Snyder." So........... do with that what you will.

#rebel moon #dragoninthelibrary #rebel moon spoilers #long post

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