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#comfort reads am I right
until-the-end-i-read · 11 months
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ME: I want to go curl up and read a good book until bed. I've got three new ones from the bookstore the other day waiting for me. ALSO ME: I'm going to go re-read a twelve-thirteen book series, and get no sleep while I am at it.
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mishapen-dear · 9 months
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Im still thinking about bbh i cant help it. He wasnt going to bring skeppy onto the island. He was hoping that he’d get skeppy, but he was going to stick to his guns and leave the extra player up to islander vote. can you imagine? thats how much he loves them. thats how much he wants to be fair to them. he was going to let them choose, even when they all expected him to force skeppy onto the island, but he was going to let them choose. And it means that, for his current arc, he’s not grieving the loss of skeppy. he already knew there was a chance he wouldnt get him. Maybe that chance didnt become real until he actually lost, but it was never a guarantee that he’d get his skeppy.
bad is falling apart from the Stressors of the island and he is desperately trying not to. skeppy is his comfort blanket. skeppy is the reminder that, whatever happens here, bad cannot lose everything. Its not grief. Its “im not okay. I need help. he isnt here to help me, but if i pretend he is, maybe he can help me through it anyway.” maybe if skeppy where there, he’d know how to fix it. maybe if skeppy where there, bad wouldnt be falling apart at all.
just. he’s not okay. he asked Foolish for a hug. he spends so much time alone. he spends so much time with the eggs. when theyre gone, the skeppies will still be there. he misses him, and he loves the islanders so much he was going to give them the choice, and he cant ask them for help in any way that they can understand. he’s helping himself the only way he knows how- by clinging to his skeppy. and its still not enough
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julykings · 8 months
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rainy day
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henrybelly · 7 months
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honestly when i tried to figure out why some fans are so mad at ivypool these days i was looking through avos and. the scene where ivypool apologises to twigpaw for not supporting sending a patrol for skyclan is genuinely very sweet??
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i actually saw someone characterize this as "ivypool forcing twigpaw to forgive her". is it crack you smoke. is that what you smoke. you smoke crack?
#she apologises THREE SEPARATE TIMES#she acknowledges that dovewing and tigerheart's situation made her ignore twigpaw's feelings#she reassures twigpaw that this is the right thing for the clans. she tells her she's proud of her & tc is lucky to have her#you guys do understand that to apologise you have to Do Something Wrong?? or is that the part that's so unforgivable?#i am fASCINATED by the treatment of dove and ivy by the fans in recent years#i'm still pondering it but i think there are a few root causes#1) I think a lot of people read oots as kids and hated dove & identified with ivy because of the underdog storyline#maybe this fandom worship of dovewing is kinda part of that? wanting to feel like you've grown out of fandom misogyny?#but i also feel like 2) tigerdove has really increased dovewing's popularity#and i think because ivypool is so staunchly opposed to their relationship people then have to villainise ivypool#3) is maybe too spicy of a take but to be honest#i think people are subconsciously way more comfortable with a woman whose story ends in heterosexual marriage and childrearing#dovewing's mom role in TBC to shadowsight probably helped her popularity#so ivypool whose relationship w Fernsong & her kits is much less of a focus. and is mUCH less maternal#and who still exhibits Ugly Female Emotions like anger and hurt#and who God Forbid now holds a position of authority...#is too complicated to fit into :) she's such a good mom :) she's such a good mate#dovewing is easier to like because she tends to be a victim of circumstances (🤫 and often lacks agency in her storylines)#since ivypool regularly uses her agency to Fuck Up#fans revert to idealising dovewing because not only is she too good to do bad things. she also doesn't do Things in general#never mind that ivypool is the one who sacrifices and apologises#anyway <3 i think if i made a full analysis of ivy and dove post OOTS i would get too many spicy anons so i will cower in the tags
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krikidilly · 5 months
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I cant be, what you need, I am stuck, in a dream, I am stuck, in a dream.
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ellascreams · 28 days
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I Can’t Handle This
[Ollie managed to leave his job at Zoraxis and find his calling as a handler for the Agency, and it was all thanks to Agent Phoenix. When their usual handler is out of commission and Ollie has to fill in for him, he hopes he can do something to show Phoenix his gratitude and that their trust in him wasn’t in vain.]
Agent Phoenix changed Ollie’s life. He had suspected Zoraxis may not have been such a good company after all, but when he saw how that agent was kinder to him that any of his coworkers, despite him being the “enemy,” it was the final straw. That escape pod was not nearly as safe as it seemed at first glance, but he survived long enough for the Agency to find him. That was no easy feat. The Agency offered him a job on the spot. Finally, a chance to do some real good!
Unfortunately they wanted him in the Enhanced Operatives Devision. Ollie knew that was not his field. It was far too dangerous, and truthfully, he kind of got lucky in the escape pod. Surviving it did take skill, don’t get him wrong, but he was still lucky. He didn’t often have luck like that. He’d have to accept death or turn them down.
But then Agent Phoenix, THE Agent Phoenix, put in a good word for him. They had been the one in the lab. They said that he was a comforting voice in the chaos, that he understood their signals and ideas, that he could handle technology well, and that he even helped them figure out how to deal with that giant squid when their own handler couldn’t. They said that Ollie wouldn’t be a good field agent. He would be a great handler.
And, well, that was that. He became a handler. He loved it. It was stressful of course, but he was good at it, and he was finally helping people. He was making the world a better place and making up for the evil he had done. He really felt like he found his calling. And it was all thanks to the Phoenix. How can you repay something like that? How can you thank someone for changing your life like that?
Ollie didn’t know the answer, but he knew that it started with today. Phoenix’s usual handler, who Ollie knew as Mason although that probably wasn’t his real name, had gotten sick. He wasn’t in terrible condition but the Agency wanted him to get better as soon as possible so they made him rest. His agent, on the other hand, still had to do their job. They had a mission today. They still needed a handler and ideally one they were somewhat familiar with. Ollie was going to be Mason’s stand in. This was it. His chance to start to pay off a fraction of what he owed them.
Sitting in his office, watching the agent break in, Ollie thought back to the debriefing. “Ok! So. The Zoraxis INK model, they were using it to control a giant squid, you remember her right? We still don’t know much about it but I convinced the Agency to look into it as soon as I joined up, and wouldn’t you know, we actually found something! It’s a lab and sort of a warehouse in New Zealand where they’ve been working on the project. There should only be one guard, but we’re still expecting overall security to be tight, so we’re sending you in! You’re our best agent so I’m sure it will probably go great! I think!”
Oh gosh, he was so embarrassed. Why had he sounded so awkward? Why hadn’t he sounded more confident in their success? He was just so nervous about trying to show that Phoenix was right to think he’d be a good handler that he probably showed them they weren’t. Even now he was shaking, drenched in sweat, his heart pounding, just hoping the mission would go well. He almost didn’t notice when the agent finished disabling the security system and walked in.
“Great job Phoenix!” He said earnestly. “Now go down this hallway, turn right, go to the end of that hallway, and you can go into Hivemind’s office! It might not have all the information we need, but his office seems like the best place to start. It is his invention after all! If nothing else there should be something to lead us to what we…”
Ollie’s voice trailed off. He watched as the agent examined a vending machine next to the entrance. They were eyeing some Zor Cola, Ollie recognized it from the vending machine back in the underwater lab. It tasted like pure chemicals but it was better than nothing when you were really thirsty. Phoenix began searching around the vending machine, presumably looking for a misplaced coin, a secret code, or some problem with the machinery they could exploit.
“Sorry if you’re thirsty agent, but maybe Hivemind has some sort of drink in his office?” Phoenix continued looking until they found something on the back of the vending machine. “I don’t mean to pressure you, it’s just that the guard is still doing their rounds and we might not have much time before she gets here.” They began pressing buttons on the machines control pad. “Seriously, we don’t have much time.”
The vending machine accepted the maintenance code and its door opened. Ollie sighed. “Ok, just take the Cola with you and drink once you get to the office.” Phoenix nodded as they grabbed the Cola with their TK and headed down the hallway.
When Phoenix closed the door to Hivemind’s office, Ollie couldn’t help but give a sharp inhale as he saw that the agent had just barely missed the guard. Then Ollie took some slow, purposeful breaths. The guard only patrolled the hallways. She wouldn’t go into the office without reason. Close call or not they were safe now.
Agent Phoenix sat at Hivemind’s desk and drank their Zor Cola as the examined it. On top of it there was a lunch prepared for later, (it was a banana with a peanut butter and honey sandwich,) a lighter, ashtray, and cigars, (knowing bees and smoke he probably wasn’t the one who used those,) and Hiveminds’s name plaque. Where Phoenix was sitting they could see the desk had two drawers. One opened up to reveal bee keeping supplies. The other had to be unlocked with a code. A sticky note had the code written on it but it was, somewhat ironically, written in code.
“Alright, do you still have that cipher I gave you?” They nodded as the took the piece of paper out of their blazer pocket and unfolded it. “It probably won’t be the exact same as the one in my lab, but it should be a good place to start!”
The code was in fact different from Ollie’s old one, but the cipher did help. They managed to figure out as much “A___A_S B___AV_” before they had to start looking around the office for more clues. The beekeeping items were labeled in code and with Ollie recognizing the hive tool they were able to get the letters I, L, H, and E. Hivemind’s name plaque had his name in code on the back which gave them the extra letters N and M. That gave them the full code. “ANIMALS BEEHAVE.” Of course it was a bee pun.
Phoenix punched in the code and the drawer opened up. Inside there were a few documents. A couple talked about the actual function and design of the devices. Another seemed to be reporting on experiments. Annoyingly, that one was written in code too, and they definitely didn’t have enough information or time to decipher all of it. What they did get from it was a room number: 28.
“Room 28 is bit far away but I should be able to guide you there. The guards still doing her rounds around here though, so you can take a quick break!”
Phoenix picked up the peanut butter and honey sandwich and examined it for a moment. Then they picked up the lighter. They toasted the bread quite a bit before they ate it. That’s fine, by the time anyone notices the sandwich is gone, the agent will be gone too. Then they set a poster on fire.
“PLEASE, please be careful about that! You might burn yourself or set off the smoke alarm!” Ollie pleaded, but Phoenix set yet another poster on fire before putting both flames out with what was left of the Zor Cola. Were they like this with Mason too? They had to be, because if they weren’t that would mean…
That would mean they don’t respect his abilities as a handler. That they don’t think Ollie has the authority or even the skill give them instructions. It would mean that what they said to the Agency, what they said to him about his potential, wasn’t true. The person who believed in him enough to change his life didn’t actually believe in him.
Ollie did his best to ignore the thought. They were probably just like this. Hopefully. “The guard is out of the way now, so it would be a good time to head out.” Phoenix nodded and walked out of the room. Slowly, carefully, and quietly they walked through the hallways as Ollie told them what turns to make. Phoenix’s curiosity once again almost got them caught but Ollie’s directions were very well coordinated and the agent wasn’t stupid enough to stick around for too long. At the very center of the building, they found it. Room 28.
Phoenix looked at the room though the door’s window. The lights weren’t on but it wasn’t super dark. They didn’t see anything in the room but it was because there was nothing to see. It was a big empty room. There was maybe a table in one of the corners? It was a lot harder to see near the walls.
“I have a bad feeling about this. Maybe you should just take what we have and go.” Phoenix crossed their arms stubbornly. Ollie felt his stomach squirm. A room that large should never be that empty. Still, Phoenix was an incredible agent, and their instinct about what information is needed is probably pretty accurate. Maybe he was worrying too much. “Oh ok, I don’t think there’s any alarms in there but just, be careful.” They nodded and began picking the lock.
Ollie tried to stifle his gasp as the agent closed the door behind them but he mostly failed. He chose not to say anything and Phoenix took his silence as a go ahead. They walked towards the small table they saw earlier hoping it might have some readable notes. They began to hear a faint hissing sound. Then some quiet growls. Then a roar. Then barking. It was only when they got to the center of the room that their eyes had adjusted to the low light enough for them to see where the noise was coming from.
The walls they couldn’t see before were lined with caged animals. Barred doors were all that kept them safe from bears, wild cats, dogs, wolves, snakes, all of them wearing familiar shackles. All of them angry and ready to attack Phoenix. All of them loud enough to alert—
“What’s wrong you stupid animals?” The guard said as she opened the door and turned on the light. She was certainly surprised to see Phoenix there. The shock died quickly though as she looked them in the eyes and smirked. She left the room and Phoenix heard the distinct click of a door being locked. It was only then they noticed what had made Ollie gasp so nervously earlier. The door couldn’t be unlocked from the inside. Then the cages opened.
“There should be a vent in there, can you get to it? It might be a tight fit but it’s the only exist you’ve got.” Phoenix scanned the room while trying to dodge animal attacks and saw the vent near the ceiling. They climbed one of the cage doors and jumped to the vent, hanging off the edge of it. They tried to use their TK and lock picking tools to unscrew the grille while things tried to bite at their feet. They dropped the their tools and caught the grille before it could could hit them in the head, and dropped it below them. Luckily it didn’t seem to hit any animals. Phoenix pulled themself up and began to crawl.
It was a bit of a tight fit as Ollie had predicted but Phoenix had probably been in worse. They stopped after crawling for long enough that the animal sounds were noticeably muffled. Sadly there was also the muffled sound of the guard opening the door and telling the animals to search for them. Once there was a moment of quiet Ollie felt so much adrenaline and guilt. Worrying too much? His job was to worry! He should’ve insisted that they didn’t go in there, or pointed out the suspicious lack of lock, or something! He didn’t know what to do anymore. Well, there was one option. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is find someone more helpful than you.
“Well, I was given a way to contact your handler for emergencies, and I think this is an emergency. You’ll just have to hang tight until I get through to him.” Ollie tried to keep his upbeat tone but it was wavering. “Sorry.”
Ollie was too busy typing to see the expression of heartbreak and guilt on Phoenix’s face. Why in the world was he apologizing? He told them not to go in there and they did anyway, anything that had gone wrong in this mission was because of their own actions. Was Ollie blaming himself?
“No.” Agent Phoenix spoke. It was one small whisper but it was enough to make Ollie stop in his tracks. Phoenix was selectively mute. He knew they could speak, but if they were speaking, they had something very important to say. “Mason doesn’t know as much about INK as you or as much about animals. And he isn’t my handler right now. You are. So I need your help. Please.”
Ollie still felt his heart pounding. He was so scared to mess this up. But the agent, his agent right now, really did believe in him. They said they needed him and who was he to tell them they were wrong. “There’s no way you’ll be able to get the shackles off of all those animals, and honestly I’d like you to avoid hurting them.” He said. He looked through his maps again. “Can I see those design papers?” Phoenix struggled to take them out of their pocket in the vent but they managed it. Ollie studied them the best he could and cross referenced them with other maps and notes of the project.
“It seems like all these animals are given the same orders since they’re just test subjects, and to save money they connected them all to one control panel and one power source. If I had to guess, and it seems like I have to, I’d say the controls are in room 17. I can guide you there if you’re ready to start crawling again.” Phoenix put the notes back in their pocket and got into crawling position. Ollie told them where to turn until they got to another room: room 17. They kicked the grille off and hopped down.
The room did in fact have a large control panel. “I doubt they have a simple off button but we should be able to cut off the power. Thing is it uses kinesium, so we have to be really careful about how we turn it off. I’m sure we can figure something out though!” And they did. There were some close calls and it took a while, but with Phoenix’s puzzle solving skills and Ollie’s information on Zoraxis tech they managed to cut the right wires and press the right buttons to turn the power off. They were glad it didn’t take too long, some of the animals were getting really close to finding them. Noises of anger and hostility quickly turned to confusion and fear. Accept for the bear, which continued to sound angry as the guard screamed. Phoenix still left through the vents again. It was better to avoid wild animals when you could.
In the end they didn’t get all the information they wanted but they still got quite a bit. Phoenix’s handler was still going to be out of commission for a few days— no, that wasn’t right. Mason was going to be out of commission for a few days. The handler for the great Agent Phoenix was still going to be doing his job, because right now, their handler was Ollie. If Mason was ever out of commission it would be Ollie again.
Maybe he couldn’t exactly repay Phoenix for all they had done, or prove that their belief in his talent wasn’t misplaced, but he didn’t have to. Phoenix never questioned if their belief was misplaced and never thought Ollie had to repay them. Instead, Ollie proved to himself that their belief hadn’t been misplaced and Phoenix proved to Ollie that he was their friend. That was probably better than what he could’ve hoped for.
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kunikidas-lost-glasses · 11 months
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Headcanons and short drabbles for my BSD Fix-it AU
!Contains Spoilers for the whole DoA arc!
TWs: Mentions of OCD, mentions of panic attacks, mentions of crying, mentions of slight gun violence, mentions of screaming, mentions of heavy injuries, mentions of medical related stuff (p.ex.infirmaries), mentions of chronic pain 
All characters might be ooc.
Pairings: Shin Soukoku, Bramcraft, at first Ranpoe and implied developing Mushiranpoe,later mentioned Mushiranpoe, Chuusigzai, lightly implied past!Fyozai (it’s up to interpretation if romantically or platonically but it’s written more in a platonic way), implied Tachihigugin, Fyolai, engaged!Suegiku, Montcott
The ADA managed to defeat Fukuchi and obtained the page
Fyodor and Nikolai got away though.
The moment Sigma wanted to shoot Fyodor, Nikolai appeared next to Fyodor through one of his overcoat portals and pulled the other with him through it. 
It did send Sigma into a panic attack and Dazai too got nervous because of this but as soon as the ADA managed to obtain the page, he got a lot calmer and told Atsushi to write that Fyodor loses his ability on the page, knowing that it not only would send the russian into several existence crises but also knowing that the chance that he would try to erase all ability users would become much lower then. 
Dazai knew Fyodor for years and he knew how much his ability tortured him since his early childhood. He knew that Punishment plagued him and took over a lot. 
Fyodor’s ability was strong and was just as intelligent as the one who wielded it so that his ability slowly but surely started to affect his mind a lot wasn’t unexpected. 
When Dazai touched Fyodor for the first time years ago, the other basically melted into his touch after Dazai touched him despite his threats that he would kill the other if he would dare to touch him. 
The heavy weight of Punishment, the sharp and piercing feeling of the powerful ability raging inside of him whenever he felt threatened as well as its influence on his mind faded to nothing for the first time in his life.
When they met again, Dazai was almost sure that Punishment affected the other’s mind completely since he had gotten more cruel and heartless but also because he worked so tirelessly on his goal to erase all ability users so now he was almost completely sure that erasing only Fyodor’s ability would stop the other.
He was right. Upon feeling his ability fading away until it was completely gone, Fyodor went, just like Dazai expected, through a whole existence crises
With his ability fading, Fyodor also slowly gained full consciousness over his mind again and fully realized what had happened, even though he couldn’t remember events where Punishment had taken over his consciousness nearly completely.
After everything, the russian spent weeks in his bed, not only recovering from his physical injuries he had from their prison escape game but also because his mind struggled to process the fact that Punishment was gone and that he was only Fyodor now. No Crime. No Punishment. No vessel for Punishment. Just Fyodor. 
He also had to process the fact that he gained full consciousness again and had to deal with all the guilt because of what happened which was eating him up alive for quite some time.
The one who took care of him the whole time was no other than Nikolai. 
Nikolai who had put his clown attire away by now. Nikolai, who violently shook Fyodor after saving him, screaming at him for not getting out of his mind and for stopping him from being free, screaming that he hated him so much. Nikolai who had held a gun to Fyodor’s head, hand shaking before dropping the gun, letting his friend go and kneeling in front of him, sobbing. Nikolai who slowly learned to accept that he loved Fyodor and who slowly tried to believe that he could be free together with Fyodor.
He knew that Fyodor returned his feelings but he also knew that Fyodor waited until Nikolai had everything sorted out.
And Fyodor did wait. He waited patiently and eventually, when Nikolai was ready and both got more stable as well as used to their new quiet life, living undercover and when Fyodor was physically fully and mentally partly recovered, they got together in one cold winter night.
Their relationship was beautiful actually and it was based on mutual deep understanding and a bond which already started to form when they both met while living on the streets in the Ukraine as young teens.
Dazai was still secretly searching for the whereabouts of Fyodor and Nikolai for nearly two years, despite knowing that it was nearly impossible to find the russian if he didn’t wanted to be found, scared that his plan didn’t carry out exactly as he hoped that it would but after nearly four years passed, he was almost completely sure that the rat and his clown wouldn’t try to start a war again. 
Sigma and Bram joined the ADA
Sigma’s entrance actually started with the elevator crashing down and he passed it by staying on Dazai’s and the ADA’s side, nearly managing to shoot Fyodor, instead of running away or going back to the Decay of Angels. 
Bram on the other hand, kind of had to stay with the ADA but he actually didn’t  mind.
Aya begged the agency not to kill Bram and eventually they gave in and gave Bram an entrance exam for multiple reasons, one of them being that he can’t be on his own, slashed in half like this but also that if they would pull out the sword, he would have no control over his ability, just like he told Aya so they somehow needed to keep his ability at bay.
After Bram passed the entrance exam and managed to prove his good motives, which wasn’t that hard for him since he never wanted to cause a vampire outbreak to happen and got forced into biting people/since he joined the DoA against his own will,  Dazai touched the sword, nullifying it, so that they could pull out the sword without hurting Bram any further. 
With the sword out of him, he was able to regenerate his body in a matter of a few days.
At first he even refused to Dazai touching it, scared that his ability might lash out completely like he had told Aya but Fukuzawa’s ability kept his vampirism at bay and allowed him to control it much better
By now he has a full body again and can make his own decisions again without being bound to anyone but he still has to use a cane since after not walking/not even having a full body for literal centuries he still struggles with walking and kind of has to relearn it.
He also has to relearn how to use his hands for the exact same reasons. 
However, he can also transform into a large bat again so he usually chills, hanging upside down from the ceiling or hanging upside down on the side of Sigma’s desk, sleeping in his bat form. (Sigma put a little metal bar on the side of his desk specifically for Bram.)
Sigma and Bram kind of get along pretty well. They already got along back when they were both in the DoA but could barely talk/get to know each other since they barely saw each other outside of the meetings of the organization. 
Besides this, Sigma was nearly always busy in his casino and Bram was very well hidden and most of the time guarded by Fukuchi in some way. 
Fukuchi got defeated completely.
The Hunting Dogs had to go under police investigation but after they were proven to be innocent and to be not involved with the DoA, they got a new leader. They couldn’t split the Hunting Dogs up since they would die without the operations.
Jounou and Tecchou got engaged a few months after the war against the DoA.
Atsushi brought Bram and Aya to Dazai where he could touch the vampire, nullifying his ability and turning the people who had been turned into vampires back into humans. 
Yosano saved multiple lives that day since the injuries which some people had before they got turned into a vampire returned shortly after they were fully human again. 
Upon seeing Akutagawa again, alive, healthy and fully human again, Atsushi thought he wouldn’t believe his eyes at first but only a couple of seconds later after standing there like frozen, staring at the other, Atsushi dashed forwards, tackle-hugging Akutagawa with such a strength and with such a speed that he knocked both of them over so that they both fell on the floor. 
Atsushi hugged Akutagaw so tightly that the other heard he would hear his ribs crack before Atsushi sat up a bit, yelling at Akutagawa for being so stupid for sacrificing himself for Atsushi and asking if if he could imagine how it felt to fight against him as a mindless vampire.
He really tried not to cry but he failed. Miserably.
When he tackle-hugged Akutagawa for the first time, tears where already in the corner of his eyes and upon feeling the other again, hearing him breathe and smelling the familiar faint smell of tea like which the other nearly always smelled, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling and it got worse when he was yelling at Akutagawa but that didn’t stop him from doing so.
Akutagawa just listened to him quietly (it drove Atsushi a bit crazy to be completely honest)
Eventually Atsushi actually talked himself that much in rage, that he ended up confessing accidentally to Akutagawa which caused him to shut up immediately staring shocked at Akutagawa who looked at him with wide eyes too, before hectically trying to scramble away and get up to give Akutagawa space since he was nearly completely sure that the other was disgusted now but Akutagawa actually grabbed him before he could get up fully and pulled him back so that he lied on top of him again before hugging him, telling him that he felt the same causing Atsushi to start to sob all over again. 
Akutagawa lied there with a faint smile, slowly rubbing the bag of the other and he would never admit it but he too, had watery eyes
Normally he would have never reacted like this or would have shown such a soft side of him but after what happened, even he couldn’t stay as cold as usual
Soukoku watched them with little smiles on their faces, how they continued to lie on the floor curled up together in a tight hug, talking quietly about everything.
Fyodor’s downfall actually started with underestimating Soukoku’s bond and with sending Chuuya to Dazai in order to kill the latter without realizing that Chuuya was already long out of his vampire state. 
Chuuya was the one who carried Dazai out of the hallway to a safe place, who did first aid on Dazai who was heavily injured from the elevator crash and who guarded him until everything was over.
Dazai managed to snap Chuuya out of the vampire state by nearly making him and Fyodor drown (it was actually part of a big plan c of Dazai which was the plan he would have to use in the worst case. That Chuuya got turned into a vampire wasn’t his first plan but it was included in one of his “worst case” plans.)
Chuuya punched him hard later for nearly drowning him and saying such things before he “drowned” but upon noticing that Dazai was sticking extremely close to him and refused to leave his side the whole time and also upon seeing that he was truly shaken up too (no matter how hard he tried to mask it), he just sighed and hugged his partner. 
They stayed like that, quietly hugging each other and Dazai basically clinging to Chuuya, holding onto him and hugging him so tightly that Chuuya struggled to breathe for a moment and he buried his face in the redheads crook of the neck for a long time
Later, they would never talk about the fact that Dazai was shaking like crazy during the first time of their embrace but when Chuuya realized it he just slowly started to rub the younger's back and buried his face in the others brown messy locks. They didn’t need any words at that moment.
Dazai became even clingier to Chuuya than he was before.
Ranpo and Yosano would stick close together and also stick close to Fukuzawa for the next months, not wanting to get separated for longer than a day.
Yosano would never forget the sight of seeing Fukuzawa and Ranpo lying unconsciously on the ground, bleeding out from stab wounds. 
She stayed at their side until they woke up again after she had healed them.
After they woke up again, she tried to appear put together and greeted them with a relieved smile which quickly turned into a wobbly smile after she heard Ranpo complaining about his head hurting and about starting to complain about the fact that they didn’t listen to him in the first place. 
He quickly stopped complaining after he noticed that Yosano had gone quiet and after Fukuzawa noticed her teary eyes, he asked her to come to him. Of course she did so and he pulled her into a tight hug. 
It was the first time in years that Yosano cried. 
Ranpo started to complain about getting left out so Yosano huffed out a laugh and pulled him into a bone crushing hug too.
While Fukuzawa and Ranpo were allowed to leave her infirmary the same day, the people who had been turned into vampires had to stay for a bit longer. Some of them only woke up days later.
The reason why they had to stay a bit longer was because despite Yosano successfully healing them and despite vampirism getting nullified, they felt worn out and exhausted and seemed to recover much slower. Even after a month the most still had to take things slow since their bodies quickly started to feel worn out and they often felt exhausted from doing the smallest things. After some months went by, the symptoms got lesser and lesser though. 
Yosano had asked Bram if they could turn into vampires again but Bram told her that this was impossible.
As soon as Yosano allowed people to visit people in the infirmary again, Poe and Mushitarou were next to Ranpo’s bed.
Poe basically refused to leave Ranpo’s side and held his hand tightly. 
Mushitarou stood next to Poe with a little smile on his face. 
Mushitarou had started to slowly get along a bit more with the detective but they couldn’t really hang out since Ranpo had been in fighting against the DoA with the others while Poe acted as a supporter from the back rows. 
However, he got a lot closer with the writer, after all, he lived with him. 
As soon as they’ve gotten the information that Ranpo had gotten injured by Fukuchi and was now being healed by Yosano, Poe nearly fell into a panic hole and it was Mushitarou who carefully took the phone out of Poe’s hand, saying that they would come over in a minute, before he hung up and started to calm the writer down who already struggled to breathe evenly and had shaking hands. 
He wasn’t as good at it as Ranpo was but surprisingly he was able to calm the other down in no time.
Now, standing next to Poe, next to Ranpo’s bed, he did felt strangely relieved that the detective was fine and seeing Poe babbling about how scared he was as well as scolding Ranpo for being so reckless while Ranpo patted the others head and squeezed his hand, telling him to calm down, his heart felt weirdly warm upon seeing them like that.
The ADA actually threw a huge celebration party over two whole days to celebrate their victory over Fukuchi and the DoA. It was an even greater celebration than when they won against the guild
When Lucy finally saw her girlfriend Louisa at that party again, she basically dropped everything she was holding and ran to her, pulling her in a bone crushing hug.
Louisa was a bit startled at first but then giggled and hugged Lucy back, burying her face in the crook of the other woman's neck.
Lucy would never admit it but she did in fact cry a little bit upon finally being able to hold Louisa again and upon seeing that she was healthy and alive. 
The two would stick close together for the rest of the evening. 
Lucy also proceeded to kiss Louisa’s scar which she had from Nathaniel’s attack, telling her that she still looked beautiful with it.
Bram was able to reunite with Lovecraft. 
The two of them had been in a relationship back in the medieval era but after Bram got sliced in half and got taken away like a trophy, Lovecraft had been unable to find him again for centuries and when he found him again, he had already been in the hands of Fukuchi. 
All that Lovecraft wanted, was to free Bram from Fukuchi but he knew that Fukuchi would use Bram against Lovecraft, hurting Bram even more in the process and the last thing Lovecraft wanted, was to make Bram suffer even more than he already had to so he couldn’t do anything beside staying close to the vampire and following them wherever Fukuchi took him. 
The time where Bram had been on the ship had been hell for Lovecraft. He stayed underwater, underneath the ship where he was forced to listen to how Fukuchi treated Bram, how Bram tried to refuse biting people and how tired, hollow and exhausted the voice of his partner sounded. 
Lovecraft wanted to sink the ship oh 8so bad, dragging Fukuchi down with it and killing him underwater and taking Bram with him, since Fukuchi was defenseless against him there. The world underwater was Lovecraft’s world, his element and a mere human was defenseless against him there but he knew that there was a risk that Bram got injured if he really did so and he didn’t wanted to risk that so he was forced to stay underneath the ship, hoping that one day he was able to get Bram back. 
When Bram saw Lovecraft again, he froze and stared at the black haired man with wide eyes. 
He was sure that he would never see Lovecraft again, that he had lost him forever. 
Bram had never stopped thinking and dreaming about the other but he didn’t even dare to hope that he would see him again. 
Lovecraft didn’t look any different than he remembered him. He wore different and more modern clothes and he looked more tired and worn out than before but beside that he still looked exactly how he remembered it.
It didn’t took long until Lovecraft noticed that someone stared at him and when he spotted Bram, he too froze for a moment.
He only managed to say the other’s name before ran towards him, using a bit of his vampire abilities to move faster. However, he tripped shortly before he reached Lovecraft due to his legs giving out but Lovecraft quickly catched him and hugged him.
He held him so carefully as if he would hurt him if he hugged him any tighter.
He had always been careful with Bram since the vampire always nearly felt as fragile as a human in Lovecraft’s arms, despite being an immortal being and since Lovecraft was well aware of his strength he was always careful when touching Bram but now he seemed to touch him even more careful than before. 
Bram however, hugged him as tight as he could, burning his face in the other’s shirt and closing his eyes. 
Nobody saw the tears which escaped his eyes. Only Lovecraft could feel them and only he felt that Bram was shaking slightly. 
Lovecraft on the other hand, was still trying to process that he finally was able to hold Bram again and that Bram was okay. 
After a couple of moments he buried his face in the others long gray hair and closed his eyes as well. They didn’t need any words. It has always been like this. 
They stood like this, hugging each other for a long time and even afterwards, they would stick together. 
Lovecraft would always visit Bram whenever he could and they also started to meet up at night again. Usually Bram would fly down to the harbor where he met Lovecraft. Then they would talk for hours again, like they did back when they first met. They would talk and sleep, holding each other. They would dance and sometimes they would just sit somewhere, watching the night sky and remiscene about the old times. 
Bram often thinks about his kins and his family. After all, he is the only vampire who survived and who is now walking freely around on earth again. He misses them greatly and often he blames himself for not being able to defend them. 
Lovecraft is always there for him when the thoughts get too dark.
Sigma is allowed to carry a gun with him constantly.
He is also practicing to use his ability more precisely and is training to use his ability in order to overwhelm enemies through flooding their mind with so much information that they pass out.
He often gets paired with Atsushi when they go on missions.
They both spend a lot of time together and they became best friends. 
 When Atsushi saw that Sigma was alive, he nearly cried. The “death” of Sigma would leave his mind and he mourned about the death of the other, despite not really knowing him so when he saw him again, he couldn’t believe his eyes before he ran over to him, telling him how relieved he was to see him alive and well. 
Sigma was completely caught off guard at first. Nobody ever was so glad about seeing that he was fine. In all his years with the DoA he was merely a replaceable tool and this boy was nearly crying out of relief and happiness upon seeing him again despite not really knowing anything about him.
It made Sigma feel warm inside and his heart felt like it got squished but in a good way. It was the first time he wondered if this is what “home” felt like. 
Later he asked how he could ever thank Atsushi for his kindness. He showed him back at the sky casino but to his surprise, the other didn’t want anything and told him that he’s just happy that Sigma is fine. 
By now, Sigma, Atsushi, Lucy and Kyouka often spend time together. Sometimes they visit Lucy at the Café, sometimes they go shopping together, sometimes they go and get Crépes together and sometimes they just talk for a while at the office of the ADA.
Sigma and Atsushi both judge Dazai’s shinegans.
Sigma got together with Chuuya and Dazai some time after the war against the DoA.
Chuuya and Dazai were already a couple for years but after the events in Meursault, they also got together with Sigma. 
Dazai already started falling for Sigma early into the events of Meursault while Sigma slowly started falling for Dazai after the latter saved them from drowning. 
Chuuya already started to admire Sigma when he saw Sigma aiming the gun at Fyodor’s head, showing true strength and bravery and it didn’t take long until they both fell for each other after meeting too. 
However Sigma was a bit intimidated by Chuuya at first so it took him a bit longer to warm up to Chuuya. 
They love each other deeply and while Sigma and Chuuya would die for Dazai even though they would never admit it, Dazai would live for them.
However, Dazai is also still getting used to receiving this much genuine love and affection from two people. 
Sigma is also still slowly getting used to being treated like a human being instead of a tool/ is still getting used to not getting used the whole time and also to finally having not one but two places he can call home (the ADA and Dazai and Chuuya). 
During the first time after the war against the DoA, Dazai had to use a wheelchair for a long time after crashing down with the elevator, breaking his legs in several places and breaking other bones as well.
After months, he could walk a bit again and started to use forearm crutches as soon as he could walk for longer periods of time again. 
Eventually he only used one forearm crutch.
He had to keep using a forearm crutch for years.
After a long time, he used a cane instead.
He already struggled with chronic back pain from a failed suicide attempt where he fell on his back, injuring his spine and since he didn’t seeked help from Yosano until months later, the spine healed more badly than anything which is why it now often hurts and cracks, making sitting straight hurt like hell after some time and the serval injuries he had after falling down with the elevator added more chronic pain and his legs couldn’t support his weight fully anymore without hurting like crazy until years later. The pain never fully faded though.
He hated needing the help of others but slowly he started to allow it. 
Kunikida has to practice things like tying his hair into a ponytail, braiding his hair, tying his shoes and writing again because his new hands are still weak and very shaky. 
It caused him multiple breakdowns already due to feeling utterly useless, especially now that he can neither do a lot of paperwork or use his ability as fast and often as before.
Dazai and Ranpo are the only ones who know about Kunikida struggling. 
Dazai actually helps Kunikida when his mental health is particularly bad again and helps him to calm down when he finds him locked in one of the toilet stalls in the bathroom of the ADA again, breaking down on particularly bad days when his hands were shaking so much again that he couldn’t do anything which required precise hand movements. 
Previously, Kuniikida would check on Dazai every evening to see if the other was fine and if he had eaten anything. Now it’s Dazai’s turn to check on his partner regularly. 
At first Kunikida hated it, but slowly he started to accept the support and help from Dazai.
Dazai, Kunikida, Chuuya and Sigma regularly meet up somewhere during weekends to spend some time together. Most of the time, they just talk about work and about life but sometimes they watch movies together at Chuuya’s apartment which he shares with Dazai and Sigma. 
 After Sigma and Kunikida got to know each other through their work at the ADA, they started to get along pretty well and Chuuya and Kunikida got along well anyway. They love to rant about work and about Dazai’s bs while drinking expensive wine. 
Sigma sometimes bakes cookies for the whole ADA.
Fukuzawa refused to exchange any of the ADA members with Mori after he found out about the lie he told Yosano. 
He was furious. 
He knew that it would have consequences but for now he didn’t worry about it. 
Sigma’s OCD and his panic disorder which he developed during his time with the DoA got even worse after the war against the DoA. 
He never told anyone about it and normally he was able to hide his compulsions, his panic and the distress which came from not performing compulsions very well but during the first time after the DoA was defeated, everything got even harder to hide. 
Dazai noticed him writing a word on a word document over and over again, deleting it before writing it again and noticed how Sigma grew more and more distressed. He didn’t confront him about it right then at the crowded office of the ADA but he instead asked him if he could help him with something to snap him out of the thought spiral. 
At home, he confronted Sigma about it, and while Sigma at first panicked, eventually he told Dazai about it.
By now, both Chuuya and Dazai support and help Sigma whenever his fear and his OCD get too much for him. 
The Hunting Dogs came personally to the ADA to apologize for everything they did as well as for believing that they were guilty. 
Tecchou also apologized less formally and more emotionally to Yosano and thanked her again for saving Jounou’s life. After all, they had wanted to execute her so he would have understood it, if she would have refused to help them.
Kenji was thrilled to finally meet this friend Tecchou talked about and he cheerfully greeted Jounou, telling him that he was happy that Jounou was okay and also telling him that Tecchou had been worried sick about him and that he was even willing to place Jounou above justice which was obviously so dear to him. (You must be really good friends then! :D)
Upon hearing this, Jounou just smiled at Tecchou who looked away,  a tiny bit embarrassed. 
Of course Jounou already knew about what happened and he had already scolded Tecchou for nearly 15 minutes for placing him above justice and his mission and for also nearly killing a whole child in his blind rage. 
He can’t deny that his cheeks had been a dark red shade upon hearing this though.
Teruko and Sigma stay far away from each other though and Tachihara keeps a respectful distance to the former casino manager too, knowing that Sigma probably never forgives them for making his casino fall from the sky, killing everyone in it but he understands it.
 That Sigma doesn’t even want to look at Teruko, whether it’s because of the guilt he feels or because of the fact that they killed the people he viewed as his family, is fully justified. At least in Tachihara’s eyes.
The Hunting Dogs now are always there to help the ADA if they would ever need more help with a case or with fighting against an enemy. 
Tachihara stayed with the Hunting Dogs but he still meets up with the Black Lizard regularly and he actually lives with Gin and Higuchi.  
Sometimes he meets up with the Black Lizard and with Chuuya at the bar to which they always went to drink and chat for the whole night like in the old times. 
There is no bad blood at all and all enjoy their meetings greatly. 
He sometimes misses his time at the Port Mafia but as long as he can meet up with them, it's alright. 
He couldn’t leave the Hunting Dogs either. 
Both, Port Mafia and Hunting Dogs are like a family to him so he tries his best, to connect both worlds as best as he can. 
At Home, with Higuchi and Gin, they don’t talk about their jobs anyways. There it is just them. No Port Mafia and no Hunting Dogs unless there is really something someone needs to talk about with their partners/unless there is something someone wants to get off their chest.
Dazai still has awful nightmares about the events at the Meursault Prison. 
Sigma also suffers from night terrors about the same events.
When Dazai wakes up from one of those nightmares again, he usually directly checks if Chuuya and Sigma are still there with him, listens to their breathing and to Chuuya’s little snores as he calms down. 
Sometimes he gets out of their bed and goes into the kitchen or the living room where he sits on the couch, staring holes in the air or staring at the ceiling while he tries to calm his racing mind down. 
Most of the time, Chuuya and Sigma wake up shortly after Dazai left the bed though and grow alarmed immediately, causing them to get out of bed in no time and to search for their boyfriend.
After they found him, Chuuya usually can tell directly what is going on and they comfort him and gently urge him to come back to bed with them.
Sigma reacts much differently than Dazai. 
He often dreams about the DoA, about Fyodor, about his casino or about falling down from the casino but most of the time, he dreams about the elevator which is crashing down with a rapid speed, with Dazai still in it. 
Those dreams are often bloody and horrifying and Sigma often wakes up screaming for Dazai, hyperventilating and crying. 
Chuuya and Dazai always calm him down and are there for him. All three of them are awful at comforting but it works for them.
Most of the time, Dazai hugs Sigma, rubs his back or gently saws back and forth while Chuuya is verbally trying to comfort him and holds his hands, caressing the back of them and assures Sigma that he’s safe here with them and that they are okay. 
They also help Sigma to calm his breathing again and gently prevent him from tugging at his hair/pulling at his hair since it’s something Sigma does when he is stressed, scared or panicking. 
They also always let Sigma talk about his nightmare and look out that his panic won’t get worse again. 
Dazai also always lets Sigma feel his pulse, knowing that this can calm Sigma down more than anything. 
He always regulates his heart beat to a calming, slow one too to calm Sigma down more when he feels his pulse.
When Sigma feels better again and Chuuya gently urges him to try to sleep again, knowing how exhausted Sigma is after the panic attack and assuring him that they won’t leave his side. 
They often lie curled up together in one big cuddle pile then, Sigma lying between them and both hugging him. 
Chuuya and Dazai often quietly talk about everything when Sigma fell asleep again. 
Dazai always stops Sigma and Chuuya from overworking themselves since both tend to do so due to Chuuya’s workaholic tendencies and due to Sigma’s anxiety and perfectionism.
Ranpo scolds the whole ADA for multiple hours that they didn’t listen to him in regards to the DoA case and brings it up over and over again.
He basically won’t let anyone forget that he warned them and that they wouldn’t listen to him.
The agency is now much more careful with accepting cases and Fukuzawa wouldn’t let anyone who was still recovering, no matter if mentally or physically, go on any more dangerous/more shady cases for the first time until they were fully recovered again. 
Ranpo moved into Poe’s mansion as well and now lives with Poe and Mushitarou. 
Mushitarou actually got together with Poe and Ranpoe after a while. 
He’s the happiest he’s been since quite a while. 
Aya often visits the ADA after school.
Fukuzawa thanked her and Lucy for their support and their selfless actions to support the ADA during the vampirism outbreak.
Bram only rarely has to go to investigate a case with others. Most of the time he is sleeping somewhere in the office. 
Now Kunikida has to scold two for sleeping/lazing around at the office during working hours.
Dazai is again trying to get Atsushi to do his paperwork, driving Kunikida crazy. 
However, when Dazai sees that Kunikida is struggling again, he sometimes snatches some papers from the stack on Kunikida’s desk and actually does a bit of Kunikida’s paperwork for him. 
At first Kunikida told him to stop but eventually he just let Dazai help him. He couldn’t stop him from doing so in any way since if Dazai really wanted to do something, there was no way of stopping him and deep inside he was thankful for Dazai’s help. 
Dazai shows Bram the most weird songs to exist.
Surprisingly, the truce between the ADA and the PM is still on going but Dazai and Chuuya already agreed to not moving into separated apartments if the truce gets broken, not wanting to give up their life living together and living together with Sigma so soon again. 
All three agreed that if the truce should get broken, they would move into an apartment which is neither close to the ADA or the PM and which belongs to neither of the organizations. 
Lovecraft sometimes comes over to meet Bram at his dorm or at the office of the ADA. Especially when it’s bad weather outside since Bram dislikes going out so Lovecraft comes to him instead of Bram meeting him at the harbor. 
The first few times he came to the ADA, everyone was very weary around him and not even Dazai made any comments. 
The very first time, even Fukuzawa came out of his office to talk with the guest, ready to fight if needed. 
By now, they are still weary about him but have gotten used to him just randomly appearing at the office or in the house where their apartments are, especially when it’s raining or storming outside.
It became a normal thing.
Kenji even sometimes offers Lovecraft some tea or snacks and greets him happily upon seeing him, asking him how he’s doing.
During the first time he visited, Lovecraft also told Kunikida that if they should ever hurt Bram or just try to do so, he would destroy the whole agency.
Bram was asleep at that moment. After he found out, he scolded Lovecraft a bit. 
Bram and Lovecraft love to complain about everything to each other. 
Lovecraft sometimes brings Bram fruits. 
Bram loves fruits. It probably has to do with him being able to transform into a bat. 
After Kenji found out about this too, he often brings Bram fresh fruits, especially when Bram has a bad day, in order to cheer him up.
Sigma teaches others how to play different card games.
Chuuya sometimes comes over to pick his partner up from work when he can leave his work early for once.
He also is always willing to pick one of them up from work if one of them isn't feeling well but the other one is stuck in a meeting. 
When Atsushi first saw Dazai again, after the latter finally was allowed to leave the infirmary again, he tackled hugged him and hugged him so tightly that Yosano had to remind him to be a bit more careful.
Atsushi refused to let Dazai go for quite a while and cried his eyes out.
Dazai was sitting there like frozen for a moment before awkwardly patting Atsushi on the back, laughing and telling him that he is happy to see him too while trying to ignore the fact that his eyes got a bit teary too. 
Kunikida and Dazai’s reunion was much quieter but also very emotional. 
They were finally able to hug it out too. 
The whole reunion of the ADA was very emotional.
The ADA  isn’t framed anymore and went back to their normal routine, even though there are a few changes and even though the war changed everyone a bit. 
They do take cases again however and even though Dazai warned them that there might be another war against another ability user, they are enjoying their time now and they are prepared a lot better for new battles than previously.
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mangoofthesea · 11 days
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How many things do you think need to be set on fire to disrupt capitalism enough to create a livable society? Asking for a friend
#mango rambles#capitalism#watcher#dystopian society#just watched a speech about how terrible the overturn of roe v wade is#keep hearing how companies are canning movies as tax right offs or strangling the life out of diverse content before it gets made#fucking governments fucking everything up#looking at uk and us#fucking joke on the tv tonight about how nhs staff shouldn't be bothering with making 'signs showing 23 genders' because cancer isn’t cured#was a sign with pride flags on#some of them genders some sexualities#i hate the british media#feel bad for not donating to causes because i could but where am i supposed to draw the line?#is this the right one to donate to?#i don't feel comfortable donating to multiple because I'm trying to cling desperately to my money and any little advantage or safety i have#but im not giving other people that same courtesy#because which one do i donate to?#the person who can't afford food?#the family getting out of a warzone?#the family trying to get their son or daughter or father or aunt or sibling out of a warzone#the person who needs their cancer stricken cat to get surgery#the homeless content creator#the homeless single parent trying to be a content creator to gain any money#the people trying to raise money for dying relatives they adore#its not even doomscrolling its because i watch one video of people suffering to hear them out#give them time to speak so their video gets views#read their post becuase there are capitals and red letters and begging and i don't want to reblog or repost something that spreads misinform#ion#nothjng is nice nothing is pleasant#everyone is mean
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I am very slowly making my way through setting up the brackets and avoiding doing my taxes and usually i dont pay much attention to my awful habit of doing ALL CAPS KARKAT STYLE (HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY INSTEAD OF JUST DOING FUCKING CAPS LOCK (IM DOING IT RIGHT NOW)) but every once in a while it rears its ugly head and i am forced to remember my sins
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belligerentbagel · 2 years
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take this sinking boat and point it home  we've still got time  raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice  you've made it now 
widojest 4: after the end 🍎
#widojestweek2022#widojest#critical role#yes this IS one of the WIPs that i thought would be eternally unfinished. went back in and cleaned it up bc i am fond of pastoral settings#don't think this would be a 'permanent' home bc i think jester would want to travel & caleb is suited for teachering things#but maybe a summer home on an m9 timeshare? a honeymoon or weekend house in the marrow valley?#the comforting smell of grass and leaves and flowers on a sunny day#despite the warmth that settles in by noon; the cider in the picnic basket is still preciously cool under its cloth#there's a stream further off that you can poke your feet into; or splash at the small aquatic critters that make their home there#there is time and world and quiet enough to read a book or paint the clouds or chase dragonflies or pull weeds out of the earth#you have earned a quiet ending#i think sometimes on the comparative quietness of the m9's epilogue to vm's epilogue#they became sovereigns and mythical figures. people at the edges of tal'dorei know their names#m9 saved the world from an unknowable otherplanar horror and -#- save for a few small villages and a band of reformed bandits and other individual souls they have touched -#(and. well. the kryn empire)#they would not be recognised faces in dwendalian towns#they didn't do it for glory; they really just did things for justice and righting imbalances and getting their friends back#you can have the sun-drenched house and the apple tarts and the peace in your dreams at last#draws#widojestweek#jester lavorre#caleb widogast
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spocks-kaathyra · 4 months
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#vent#wow I will never be able to let myself have friends huh#I am unwanted and inherently unwantable#I have it all figured out I just can't DO anything right. why is breaking silence the hardest thing to do#I can't bring myself to make/maintain/deepen friendships bc I'm convinced that I'm unpleasant to be around and unpleasant to be friends with#my company is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy#<- completely unjustified belief. I am kind and friendly and capable of responding appropriately in the majority of social situations#they reach out and I shrink back every time. no matter how much they reach towards me I can't believe that they actually want me around#and ofc the reasonable thing for them to do is stop reaching! when I never reach back! why would they expect a different outcome this time#so I can't blame anyone. I can't sit around waiting for a saintly mindreader who can see that my actions contradict my feelings#I know I just need to reach out. but how could I do that when I'm convinced it'll only hurt them?#my presence makes their day worse. I'm a mangy dog begging for scraps I don't deserve at their table. I am harming them with my presence#how can I beg for their attention and company and time when I know their life would be better without me in it#<- false belief. when I reach out I make them feel wanted and they feel more comfortable reaching out to me when they know I like them.#everyone appreciates being reached out to. I am pleasant to be around. they like being liked by me. my company is a desirable thing#company in general is a desirable thing. my company is better than no company. people like being liked.#logically I know all this to be true. emotionally? they hate me and I deserve it and the more I show I like them the more they'll hate me#sigh. what a banal problem to have. I'll stop being 18 years old one day. I can't wait until I have better things to worry about#replies appreciated. btw. in the interest of asking for what I want instead of expecting ppl to read my mind lmao#narcissus's echoes
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einstetic · 6 months
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i'm not tired, i'm exhausted
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f4llingstrr · 1 year
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four days ago, i started reading crimson rivers by zeppazariel.
i have now just finished chapter 41.
i am empty. i do not feel anything. my heart has been ripped out of my chest, which is now totally empty. i lost my ability to Have Feelings.
nothing will ever come close to what i experienced these last four days. nothing. ever.
my soul had been destroyed.
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allmpa · 1 year
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You know Lightning McQueen’s “Speed. I am speed”? Yeah, James Potter also has a little speech memorized that he recites before every quidditch match.
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keeps-ache · 7 months
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souP..
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aboutfivebees · 10 months
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“The child is claiming what is after all a genuine right of his - attention, love and companionship” Nagera (1969) on reasons why children may form an imaginary companion
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